Some News From Tony: 4/1/10

Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush are Splitsville

Reggie Bush broke up with Kim Kardashian over her sex tape. Apparently Reggie’s mom didn’t like the idea of a potential daughter-in-law who was the star of a sex tape. All this time I thought they broke up over a heated discussion of Kierkegaard. Kim is upset because she won’t get to be Mrs. Bush. Don’t worry girl. To millions of men on the internet you are already Mrs. Bush. Time for a Brazilian. Don’t worry Kim, there are plenty of men that’d walk a mile for that camel….toe.

Jesse James In Foursome With Bombshell & Friends

Jesse James “got it on” in the Ocean Beach Tattoo and Piercing Shop. He had a foursome with Michelle Bombshell, the shop’s owner Eric McDougall, and his receptionist Skittles. The boy got it on with a girl named Skittles. In other words, he had a mouth full of Skittles. Jesse James was cheating on his wife and tasting a rainbow of fruit flavors. Obviously Jesse James likes women that remind him of candy. Why else would he try to put his Mr. Goodbar into all of these Air-Heads? Jesse, I hope you get Atomic Fireballs from all of these Twix you’ve been messing around with. Instead of trying to get Good & Plenty outside, you should’ve been at home taking care of Sandra Bullocks Kit-Kat.

Tony Gets Something Off His Chest

Like many of you, I was stunned to learn that Ricky Martin was gay. He hid it so well.

You never can tell these days. Adam Lambert? Who knew? ClayAiken? I still find that hard to believe. Ricky sang “Living La Vida Loca.” Was he ever?

Good for you Ricky Martin. You’ve given me the courage to come out.

I would like to take this time and use this space to announce to the world that I too am gay. Yes as many of you suspected, I am a lesbian. God, that’s liberating.

Now I can wear my hair short and know the comfort of a flannel shirt. I can walk down the street holding my girl’s hand with pride. Thank you, Ricky.

I too will be living la vida loca.


Tony's Random Thoughts: 3/22/10

Bullock gets Blindsided

Cute little Sandra Bullock wins an Oscar and her husband Jesse James is sleeping with a woman who looks like the Number 6 Train to the Bronx circa 1975.
Michelle Bombshell, Jesse James’ crush, looks like something he would make in his Monster Garage.
This girl looks like Walt Disney threw up on her.
She looks like she was it, and unarmed in a paintball game.
She looks like Ed Hardy’s drop cloth!

Mission Impossible

Mr. Phelps (Peter Graves) went on his final mission.
I wonder whether his body self destructed fifteen seconds after his demise.
Surely his mortician will get a chance to see a grown man naked. I know, I know, don’t call him Shirley
When you visit him at the cemetery do you go to Peter Grave’s grave? What?? Too soon??


Tony Madoff?

Tony Madoff?? Tony f***ng Madoff? Are you nuts? Have you lost your mind? It’s time for the dog track Imus. No note. They can drop you off at the nearest home so that you could mumble along with the other nuts. I run a totally respectable and legitimate pool; strictly for entertainment purposes of course. You are besmirching my reputation and character because I’m a nice guy.

I know you don’t remember, but you assigned Warner Wolf and me to run the pool. Warner felt that it would be fun to draw the sixty-four tournament teams out of a hat, so that everyone would have an equal opportunity to win. Sure, that’s crazy, but never let it be said that Tony Powell is not a friend to the little people. What can I say? I have a soft spot for sports midgets.

So we set it up. Sixteen people would draw a tournament team from a hat four times giving them a team from each region of the tournament. Thusly, you would have a rooting interest in these four random teams as opposed to filling out traditional tournament brackets—a basketball raffle, if you will.  In doing the tournament this way, basketball knowledge was not required; any moron could win, because it was merely the luck of the draw.

Any moron except Imus. The I-Man was allowed to make his pick during each round at a time he selected. He could’ve gone first, second, last, next to last, whenever he chose. It was in his hands. We let him do it that way because he’s a big baby. This fool managed to select four #16 seeds. Most people couldn’t do that if they tried. The man who hit the lottery in life crapped out! Bernard actually had some of the best picks. Not one complaint on the draw when he thought he could win. Warner, whose idea it was, had lousy picks like Imus. Not one complaint. The last time I heard this much whining, Jeeeeeeesus was catering a wedding. 

Who won the tournament you ask? Basketball novice Gema Moreno, who knew absolutely nothing about basketball. The tourney premise worked. Last year we did brackets. No Imus no problem.  Imus, I wouldn’t let you in my pool if Mother Teresa was holding the money. In fact, if you managed to sneak in my pool I would have it drained and refilled. 


You Too Can Be Jesse Jackson!

Using your best Reverend Jackson voice, say the following rhymes:

• I watched the Oscars, it was a bunch of jive. I told Tarantino to Keep Hope Alive!
• Giving Best Picture to Locker was no shocker, but I thought Inglorious should’ve been victorious.
• I didn’t know The Blind Side was a movie; I thought it was about Governor Patterson’s aide.
• Jeff Bridges won for Crazy Heart, it was a hell of a part. I must admit I thought I’d be steamin' that they didn’t give the statue to Morgan Freeman.
• Bridges was a child actor in Sea Hunt, and Monique won for playing  one vicious...woman.
• Gabby was on the red carpet wearing blue and looking hot. She said her dress was like a porno money shot.
• I like Baldwin, but the other is a piece of work. He said he was born a poor black child...what a jerk.
• Fuzzy Wuzzy wuz a bear  Monique you need a to get a weed whacker to shave that leg hair. You’re beautiful, you’re talented, so you should know better than to walk around wearing a leg sweater.

It felt good didn’t it?