You Too Can Be Jesse Jackson: Goldman Sachs

You too Can Be Jesse Jackson!
Channel your best Reverend Jackson and repeat the following rhymes:

Goldman perpetrated a fraud
and got money that made us awed
and caused their stockholders to applaud
but their strategy was flawed
(PAUSE) praise the Lord!
Their plans to hoard
and reap illicit rewards
was too long ignored
until it caused the economy to head toward
the bottom of market’s big board
Now they must fall on the sword.

The Securities & Exchange Commission
accused Goldman Sachs of factual omissions
a choice they made of their own volition
that led to investigator’s suspicions
that this company put us in a funky Kama Sutra position.
With families unable to pay college tuition
due to recognition
that our portfolios were fading apparitions
a condition caused by some Goldman magician
You couldn’t believe what you were seeing, you needed an optician
or a physician
for this headache of financial demolition,
lack of fiscal inhibition,
and total lack of contrition.
I can’t wait till they’re prepped by a mortician.

Through this jive
we must strive
to keep hope alive.

Fuzzy Wuzzy wuz a bear
He longed to get his share
but he can no longer earn
because he had his money in Bear Stearns.
Fuzzy went from a Cul de Sac
to a one room shack
all thanks to Goldman Sachs
That’s wiggity wiggity whack
But don’t worry Fuzzy will be back
He went to his gun rack
Goldman Sachs
fade to black.

I know,I know, Fuzzy has got a gun.

Man, you are living the dream.

 


You Too Can Be Jesse Jackson: SCOTUS

You Too Can Be Jesse Jackson!
In your best Reverend Jackson voice say the following rhymes out loud:

With the looming retirement of one of the esteemed
the President needs to pick a new Supreme.

No matter how much the President tries to nudge
The Republicans will do their best to begrudge, refuse to budge
just to hold up a new judge.

The Republicans went crazy when Obama chose Sotomayor
They couldn’t have been any meaner
They acted like wieners
trying to humble her proud demeanor
treated her like a bathroom cleaner,
acted like they were radio station call screeners.
Must have been intimidated by a mind that was keener,
and possessed by a wise Latina.

Orrin Hatch was hinting that Obama might choose Clinton.
The White House said no.
It wasn’t the way to go.
How about a Judge that has their own show?
While we’re at this how about Judge Greg Mathis?
Would it be a dereliction of duty
if he chose Judge Judy?

When a POTUS chooses a SCOTUS the court can become realigned
redefined,
and reassigned,
as Judges become confined,
intertwined,
as they sit on their behinds.
I hope they are all in the right state of mind,
and (PAUSE) inclined
to remember that justice is blind.

No more dashing of hopes
and making decisions for dopes
like pulling Bush off the ropes
in that 2000 election jive
and Let’s try to keep hope alive.

Fuzzy Wuzzy wuz a bear
The Supreme Court has an empty chair
Let’s hope the nominating process is fai
and that we won’t have to search the globe
to find somebody to wear the black robe.
Let us pray that they have the patience of Jobe
and no problem with their frontal lobe

Now high five yourself



You Too Can Be Jesse Jackson: Virginia's "Old Confederacy" Month

Governor Bob McDonnell wants to have Old Confederacy month and celebrate Virginia’s racist past.
It shows a lack of class
And that his mind has gone beyond the looking glass.
Racism is reaching critical mass
when a governor can pull an idea like this out his...butt.

McDonnell, a native Virginian,
in my opinion,
wants to resurrect the Old Dominion.

He wants to celebrate Robert E. Lee
With this decree
Causing rednecks to celebrate with glee
But it appears to me
That he swan dove into the Chablis.

This situation shows a lack of political discretion
to celebrate a state’s secession
that lead to war’s aggression
brother to brother transgression
over whether people could be bought or sold as possessions.
We need to know why this obsession
with black people’s suppression?
I’m left with the impression
that the governor suffers with clinical depression.

Am I the only one that thinks
the man should see a shrink?

The Governor wants to attract tourists.
He’ll only find confederate purists.

He’ll only get traction
with those that find the rebel flag an attraction.
But many will have an opposite reaction
and relive the pain of a molar extraction.
Like Mick Jagger, there’ll be no satisfaction.

What’s next governor? An Amusement park with rides
like the apartheid water slide?
The bullwhip?
the rocking slave ship?
What the hell?
Kings Dominion already has the rebel yell.
How about The Underground Railroad coaster?
That could be good. I know you’d enjoy it.
Peckerwood.

Fuzzy Wuzzy wuz a bear
The Governor is not all there
He’s so stupid it hurts your hair.
This is the worst jive.
Sometimes it’s really hard to keep hope alive.

Man, you are living the dream



You Too Can Be Jesse Jackson: At Augusta

In your best Reverend Jackson voice repeat the following rhymes:

Tiger says he wants it understood
That he plans on being good
So he’s playing in the Master’s as he should
In Augusta, where some closets still hide hoods.

Tiger is in Augusta
Trying to muster
Bring back the bluster
And restore the luster
Of a golf game he hopes is not as rusty as a '72 Duster.

Tiger had some fears
About whether the fans would cheer
Jeer
Or throw their beers
He said it seemed like he was away for years
He’s trying to focus and avoid rabbit ears

He was happy to see his fellow player’s mugs
And some greeted him with hugs
Unconcerned with his bugs

They went about their golfing duties
Not worried about Tiger’s cooties

Reporters gave Tiger the third degree
About P.E.Ds.

Did he avoid roids, human growth?
Or did he take them both?
Why was he seeing a doctor who violated the Hippocratic oath?

It was these kind of questions
Asked with aggression
In quick succession
About drugs and Tiger’s transgressions
Indiscretions
Insincere confessions
His dopey expression
How was his practice session?
The world’s oldest profession
Should’ve taught him a lesson
That the next time there’s a suggestion
Or even a hint of an erection
He better turn around and go in the opposite direction

Forget the tushes
And stay out the bushes.

Jesse I am
I cannot root for a Tiger Slam
I do not like Green Jackets and scams
I do not like the Old South
I do not believe a word that comes from Tiger’s mouth
I do not like dog leg rights
I do not like artificial hype
I do not like Tiger’s red shirt
Or that he pulled a fast one so overt
I do not like that so many were hurt
By this skirt chasing pervert
Jesse I am
I do not like Green Jackets and scams.

I know. You’re living the dream.

You Too Can Be Jesse Jackson: The Bibi Netanyahu Edition

In Your Best Jackson voice repeat the following rhymes:

The President told Bibi that he was having dinner with his kids
And that he was welcome to hang out with Robert Gibbs
He invited him up, but they were having ribs
Bibi said no sir because ribs (pause)
Are not kosher.

Obama said, “Bibi have a coke and a smile.
I might be a while.
Sit back and unwind.
Let me know if you change your mind.
Here’s the remote.
Hang up your coat.
I won’t be far.
There’s the bar.
Enjoy Dancing with the Stars.

East Jerusalem, you’re trying to settle
When it’s peace Barack is trying to peddle.
Bibi is testing the President’s meddle
Thinking he doesn’t know the facts.
That’s whack.
That’s the kettle calling on a president who’s black.

Settlements give fuel to Osama
Diminishes Obama
Creates Middle Eastern drama.
You thought it was rude when he went for food
How about if he screamed “Yo momma!”
As he put on his pajamas.

Fuzzy Wuzzy wuz a bear.
People think it wasn’t fair
That he left Bibi there
Even though Barack let him have his favorite chair.

Jesse I am
I do not like strife in the Holy land.
I do not like settlements in the East.
I do not like what they do to peace.
I do not like them in the west.
I do not think that would be best.
I do not like Hamas rockets fired
I think, of that, the world has grown tired.
I do not like terrorist threats
because it causes Bibi Net
To send his jets.
I do not like government bulldozers
Or occupying Israeli soldiers.
Jesse I am
I want peace in the Holy land.
Keep hope alive.

I know. That felt gooooood.