June 8: Bye, Bye Helen; Where to Hide Stuff; and Circumcision Season

• peace outDean of White House correspondents, Yasser Arafat look-alike Helen Thomas, retires after saying Jews must get out of  “Palestine” and return “home” to Poland and Germany.  No, you read that right.  Helen Thomas tells interviewer Jews must go home to Germany and Poland.  Clearly, the beloved Ms. Thomas has crashed right through her expiration date.  Next expected, “front and center,” annoying patrons at dog track.
• Observers shocked--shocked, we say!--over reports that World Health Organization exaggerated Swine Flu threat in chicanery that may have ties to drug manufacturers.  Two reports, according to Washington Post, indicate failure by WHO to disclose influence by pharmaceutical industry on recommendations regarding how countries should respond to H1N1 threat.  “Shocking,” we repeat at the risk of – “redundancy.”   But then, maybe Pfizer’s got a shot for that.
• “YOU JUST WON $11-MILLION!”  Oh no.  You didn’t.  Sorry.  Our bad.  MaryAnn and Jim McMahon’s $11-million dollar Cripple Creek, Colorado casino slots jackpot?  A “machine malfunction.”  Actually, says casino, payout was 16-hundred-bucks, despite reading of $11-million.  Latter figure was just a “reset value,” casino explains.  Oh.  Okay.  But maybe stay out of Cripple Creek’s Wildwood Casino in the future and forever, Mr. McMahon suggests.
• “Washington State Man Demonstrates Astonishing…Really Unusual…Absolutely Unique…” We report.  You write the headline:  Authorities in Wenatchee, Washington stunned to discover prisoner’s, uhm, “capacity.”  Smuggled a cigarette lighter, rolling papers, bag of tobacco, bottle of tattoo ink, eight tattoo needles, baggie of marijuana and a bong pipe into jail “simultaneously.”  None of it was in his pockets. We need not tell you where, in fact, it was.  Anatomical region is well known, however, for total lack of sunlight.   
• "Sexting" Begets Ohm’s Law Demonstration. Ohm’s law states that current through a conductor between two points is directly proportional to the potential difference or voltage across the two points, and inversely proportional to the resistance between them.  As Justin Moore, 23, discovered after “sexting” a photograph of his genitals to William Atwood’s 17-year-old daughter and Bill, unamused, tasered the lad when he found out about it. Pressed the trigger for a good 20 seconds to make sure Justin clearly understood Ohm’s law application. He’s got it down.
• “14-year-old boy arrested in Republic of Transkei for performing illegal circumcisions on six youths.”   Will be charged under provincial circumcision laws.  Official says the arrest came as Transkei’s “winter circumcision season” got underway. Winter circumcision season?  Whatever happened to just playin’ hockey or something?
• “America Wakes Up: Light Beer Sales Sag.” Advertising Age reports U.S. sales of the biggest brands are in an alarming slide…two of the biggest are down 5.3% and 7.5% respectively.  Ad Age suggests several possible explanations for slump …from the economy leaving young men with empty pockets to “insultingly stupid ads.”  Other analysts point to another possible light beer factor: It sucks.

June 7: Queen Elizabeth Needs More Cash; Volcanic Ash; and a Gaga Bash

• McDonald’s recalls 12-million “Shrek” character tumblers.  Artwork on glasses contains cadmium that can erode bones, damage kidneys, lungs and, just for good measure, cause cancer.   Headline:  Glasses are NOT made in China!
• needs a raise“Economic travail reaches royalty!”   Britain’s monarch, Queen Elizabeth, asks for first pay raise in 20 years, citing an $8-million deficit in household finances.   Her extreme exaltedness has reportedly been having to – horrors! – dip into her emergency reserve fund…and that could run out by 2012.   Whatever should royal family do?   Perhaps hold up sign in front of palace:  “Will play polo, for food.”
• How does this help?  Florida-based recruiting company posts a job notice for a marketing position.  Posting states, “No unemployed candidates will be considered at all.”  Worse, spokesman for company says refusing currently unemployed candidates is a growing trend among job placement firms.  “You’re unemployed?  Get the heck outta here before I call a cop.” 
• “You don’t look so bad, here’s another.”  Famous phrase from mid-1980’s “Bernie Goetz Subway Shooter” case, now updated by former President George Bush who tells Grand Rapids, Michigan Economic Club crowd:  “Yeah, we water-boarded Kahlid Sheik Mohammed.  And I’d do it again.”   Or, as Bernie might’ve put it, “You don’t look so wet, here’s another.”
• “New York City’s Top Elected Official Makes Most God-Awful TV Commercial in the History of the Medium.”  Michael Bloomberg goes before camera to make a pitch to Lebron James to “write the next chapter in NYC basketball history” and join the Knicks.   In doing so, midget mayor establishes new competitive mark in human behavior heretofore believed attainable, “gag me ‘lame’.”  So awful, could conceivably be the basis of legal action by Mr. James…who would now join a basketball franchise in Turkmenistan before he’d join one in New York City.
• Kirk Sorry for Military Record “Missteps.”  What has this doofus actually done?  Senate candidate Mark Kirk apologizes for erroneous statements on military resume: Veteran Illinois republican acknowledges assertion that his plane came under fire in Iraq may not be correct because there’s no record of such an attack.  And about that letter describing him as a member of Operation Desert Storm? Didn’t actually “participate” in that particular military effort. And the deal about receiving the Navy’s “Intelligence Officer of the Year” award?  Well…you know. Maybe not exactly “intelligence.” In the Navy…or anywhere else, when you think about it. Idiot.
• Airline hopes it has solution to “volcanic ash” problem: Budget carrier, Easyjet, unveils plan to fit its planes with an “ash-detecting” radar.  Hopes to have technology in a dozen planes by the end of the year – thus enabling cockpit crews to tell with great precision where plane will encounter ash plume, engines will freeze, terminal-velocity dive will begin, and passengers and aircraft will be transformed into a robust aluminum and organ tissue bouillabaisse.
• Lady Gaga catching flak over latest stage shocker: Fans and parents outraged during performance in England in which Gaga pretended to be killed and eaten on stage.  Critics:  “Perhaps life will imitate art?”    … That’s cold.

June 4: Things That Should be Plugged, and A Thong Ban

• plug thisBP’s “CEO Apology Tour.” Horrid company opens mea culpa ad campaign saying, “Sorry for the mess.”   CEO Tony Hayward issues Facebook apology for his crack about “wanting his life back.”   Doubtless, were they able to speak, so would the eleven dead men killed when the BP rig unnecessarily blew to smithereens.   Dear Mr. Hayward:  Plug two holes.  The one in the Gulf and the one in your face.
• Consumer news:  Maytag recalls 1.7-million dishwashers manufactured between February 2006 and April 2010 – for their proclivity to get the dishes clean but turn your house into a briquette.  “Electrical failure in the heating element can pose a serious fire hazard,” reads the recall notice.  Famous, bored, nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs “Maytag Repairman” suddenly on suicide watch.
• The following headline was inevitable: “Carter Center Condemns Attack on Aid Ship Bound for you stay quiet, tooGaza.”   Elderly know-it-all offers an opinion, as usual, requested by nobody:  Attack on humanitarian supplies to Gaza was “unprovoked and illegal.”   Dear Mr. Former President:  Please review “BP Hayward Headline” above, and consider following its recommended action.  Thank you.
• Money Monitor:  National debt surges through $13-trillion level…rises $2.4-trillion since President Obama assumed office; an average of nearly $5-billion per day…triple the “daily average” of the previous administration run by the individual who Sir Paul McCartney informs us was ignorant of the term, “library.”   
• The Final Airline Travel Insult:  “Department of Transportation Considers Banning Peanuts on Planes.”   As part of its proposed passenger protections, government may ban in-flight peanuts to protect individuals who have peanut allergies.  Critics reply:  “Amtrak, Greyhound, Route 66. Choose one.”  And how about banning that guy in 23-C who smells like the south end of a northbound warthog?  Peanuts.  Please…
• Where’s the beef?  Regrettably, you’re holding it.  “Not the meat we embrace at Arby’s, sir.”  67-year-old James Russell Hirt arrested for indecent exposure after witnesses told police Jim’bo was lying on his back outside an Iowa City Arby’s restaurant entrance, shorts pulled down, staring at patrons while, well, “steaming his kielbasa.”  Not good for business.  Jim taken away for… “observation.”  $2,500 bail if you really want to get him out.
• Forget the U.S.-Mexican border - send troops to Chicago!  Two Illinois state representatives are asking Governor Pat Quinn to do precisely that; deploy the National Guard to the streets of Chicago.  How come?  As of Sunday, 113 people had been murdered there…the same number of U.S. troops killed in Iraq and Afghanistan combined during the same period.  So, it’s ether troops…or just rename Chicago “Kandahar” and be done with it.  
• “Mama don’t allow no thong wearin’ around here.”   There is a God.  Seaside town of Kure Beach, North Carolina bans thongs…spares local residents from exposure to beach-goers who look like somebody wrapped dental floss around Chaz Bono.  As 99.9% of  “thong-flaunters” do.

June 3: Al & Tipper's Hostile Climate; No More Dems; and The Oil Slick in Washington

• Get a room. Separate rooms, actually.Global "Accumulating."  What Tipper and Al will split when they split: Since 2000 election, when the family’s net worth was estimated at about $1-million – they’ve glommed onto roughly $100-million worth of cash and stuff including $8.75 million Pacific shore mansion, multi-million dollar home in Nashville, multi-million dollar condo in San Francisco in addition to their Washington area Arlington Tudor; 100-foot boat, the “Bio-Solar One,” and they own a farm in Carthage, Tennessee that includes a zinc mine.  Climate change.  It’s a good thing.
• How goes the Afghanistan “hearts-and-minds” campaign?  We report. You decide. Afghan President Karzai tells 1,600 delegates to a national peace conference not to worry about the bombs, mortars, machineguns, grenades, screams and so forth in the street just outside the Kabul conference site.  Heard it all before.  Just white noise at this point.  At least no delegates reported dead yet.  Although, peace gathering runs two more days.  So it’s still early.
• That’s gonna leave a mark. We Interrupt These Headlines To Bring You an Urgent Bulletin We’d Rather Not Have to Report:  “Lowe's Shopper Shoots Self In Testicles.”  There.  Unidentified victim shopping at Lynwood, Washington Lowes when handgun in the waistband of his pants discharged.  Police say gunshot appears to have been purely accidental, and really, really painful.  “Lowes:  Let’s building something together.”  Like a new Love Liquor Locker, maybe…
• Seismic party shift expected among fall election candidates:  Pundits believe Democrats may soon be seeking to align themselves with any other alternative political entity in view of new Gallup poll results.  Gallup now finds the number of voters saying they’ll vote for Republicans is the largest ever recorded for the party; a 49 to 43 percent lead.  Mugwumps and the U.S. branch of Dutch Pedophilia Party already attracting interest.
• Things for men to be thankful for:  One, you’re not married to Jean Healge, who says Americans use enough plastic annually to shrink-wrap the state of Texas. Therefore, Ms. Healge is trying to eliminate plastic from her life.  Extreme “Earth momma” bakes her own bread, only buys loose foodstuffs she can find in bins, not packaged; even makes her own toothpaste. Would make you want to kill yourself.  Wait a minute:  Makes the toothpaste, somehow, out of vodka.  Never mind.
• Her life will be better than yoursStudy:  “Blondes Fare Better In Life, Period.”  Queensland University of Technology research discovers women with blonde hair tend to earn higher wages than brunettes and redheads “regardless of differences in education.”  Also found blondes are more desired in marriage market and spouse’s income is roughly six-percent higher than spouses of redheads and brunettes.  Takeaway:  If your roots are showing, it could cost you.
• Two women protesters arrested outside White House…after one pours thick, black oil over the other’s head.  Remarkably, the two were not protesting BP oil spill but somehow connected their act to ambiguous complaint against government of Peru. With hair thoroughly oiled, initial confusion over whether or not protester might be Amy Winehouse, understandable.

June 2: Eric Holder to the Rescue; Hurricane Season; and Happy Anniversary, CNN!

• World Health Organization: “Swine Flu Still Constitutes Worldwide Pandemic.”   Which is why roughly 70-million doses of swine flu sit unused or expired in clinics, doctor’s offices, and warehouses across the United States…and will have to be thrown out unless researchers discover that the vaccine compound breaks up oil.
• Cleveland County, Oklahoma Prison Inmates Humiliated:  Authorities change familiar, “manly” orange inmate jumpsuits for “hot pink shirts” and “yellow-and-white striped pants.”  Critics:   What is this a jail, or a damn Elton John concert?
• Finally, Obama administration gets serious about Gulf of Mexico oil catastrophe:  President sends Attorney General Eric Holder down to take a look.  A.G. expected to be able to apply about as much expertise to BP crisis as he did in determining 9-11 terror figures should be tried in New York City.  Jeezis… 
• Hurricane season, 2010, underway:  Government forecasters at National Hurricane Center hold moistened finger in air, draw circle on ground, sprinkle chicken bones in north-south pattern, turn around three times, shake marimbas, clap hands twice, throw salt over left shoulder, eat toad, click heels together and predict eight major hurricanes for Atlantic basin.
• “U.S. Safety Regulators Find New Way to Bankrupt Consumer.”  Nanny government pushes for expensive upgrades to automotive “black box” that records speed and other data in the seconds before everybody is turned into pizza sauce in grinding auto crash.  “Improvements” would make the recorders fire and waterproof and push their cost to 5-thousand dollars…while putting regulators on a par with Osama Bin Laden among Americans seeking revenge. 
• Pelosi Finds Religion:  Says Bible and “The Word made flesh” drive her public policy pursuits.  Including, critics ask, such issues as legalized abortion? …Or the $2.1 million for V.I.P. Air Force jet travel, 2008-09, including $101,000 in-flight “food and booze” tab handed off to taxpayers?  What the heck was “the word,” bacchanal?
• Cable News Network Observes 30 Year Anniversary:  Posts timeline on CNN website of significant stories network has covered since June of 1980 – from John Lennon’s murder, December 8th of that year to Challenger explosion, 1986, to Tiananmen Square pro-democracy demonstrations, 1989.  Fails to mention disappearance of fully half of CNN’s audience, March, 2010, because network’s coverage mirrors Pravda.
• “Port Richey, Florida Man Throws Mom under the Beer Truck.”  Calls 911, repeatedly, to complain that his mother had taken his beer away and he wanted her arrested and by god would continue to call 911 until she was, dammit.  Police went to 32-year-old Charles Dennison’s house and made the arrest.  Of him.  Not her.  Charged with making “false 911” calls.   Okay, fine…  But where’s the freakin’ beer?