June 4: Things That Should be Plugged, and A Thong Ban

• plug thisBP’s “CEO Apology Tour.” Horrid company opens mea culpa ad campaign saying, “Sorry for the mess.”   CEO Tony Hayward issues Facebook apology for his crack about “wanting his life back.”   Doubtless, were they able to speak, so would the eleven dead men killed when the BP rig unnecessarily blew to smithereens.   Dear Mr. Hayward:  Plug two holes.  The one in the Gulf and the one in your face.
• Consumer news:  Maytag recalls 1.7-million dishwashers manufactured between February 2006 and April 2010 – for their proclivity to get the dishes clean but turn your house into a briquette.  “Electrical failure in the heating element can pose a serious fire hazard,” reads the recall notice.  Famous, bored, nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs “Maytag Repairman” suddenly on suicide watch.
• The following headline was inevitable: “Carter Center Condemns Attack on Aid Ship Bound for you stay quiet, tooGaza.”   Elderly know-it-all offers an opinion, as usual, requested by nobody:  Attack on humanitarian supplies to Gaza was “unprovoked and illegal.”   Dear Mr. Former President:  Please review “BP Hayward Headline” above, and consider following its recommended action.  Thank you.
• Money Monitor:  National debt surges through $13-trillion level…rises $2.4-trillion since President Obama assumed office; an average of nearly $5-billion per day…triple the “daily average” of the previous administration run by the individual who Sir Paul McCartney informs us was ignorant of the term, “library.”   
• The Final Airline Travel Insult:  “Department of Transportation Considers Banning Peanuts on Planes.”   As part of its proposed passenger protections, government may ban in-flight peanuts to protect individuals who have peanut allergies.  Critics reply:  “Amtrak, Greyhound, Route 66. Choose one.”  And how about banning that guy in 23-C who smells like the south end of a northbound warthog?  Peanuts.  Please…
• Where’s the beef?  Regrettably, you’re holding it.  “Not the meat we embrace at Arby’s, sir.”  67-year-old James Russell Hirt arrested for indecent exposure after witnesses told police Jim’bo was lying on his back outside an Iowa City Arby’s restaurant entrance, shorts pulled down, staring at patrons while, well, “steaming his kielbasa.”  Not good for business.  Jim taken away for… “observation.”  $2,500 bail if you really want to get him out.
• Forget the U.S.-Mexican border - send troops to Chicago!  Two Illinois state representatives are asking Governor Pat Quinn to do precisely that; deploy the National Guard to the streets of Chicago.  How come?  As of Sunday, 113 people had been murdered there…the same number of U.S. troops killed in Iraq and Afghanistan combined during the same period.  So, it’s ether troops…or just rename Chicago “Kandahar” and be done with it.  
• “Mama don’t allow no thong wearin’ around here.”   There is a God.  Seaside town of Kure Beach, North Carolina bans thongs…spares local residents from exposure to beach-goers who look like somebody wrapped dental floss around Chaz Bono.  As 99.9% of  “thong-flaunters” do.