I’ll bet I’m not alone in this: If I see G. Gordon Liddy hawking even one more gold coin I’m going to “Elvis” my television set. That horrid quavering voice: “Buy your gold where I buy mine!” Okay, if I do – forget about “protecting me” against inflation – could it possibly protect me against any more of this nut’s commercials? And by the way, didn’t Liddy do time for burglary? What the hell is he doing dispensing investment advice?
But his is far from the only TV commercial I’m sick of. I’m also ready to plunge screwdrivers – Phillips head – into my eyeballs if I see that “John Gotti-looking” dope asking again if Geico “can really save me 15% on my car insurance”, followed by some utterly asinine and infantile conclusion. Or the repulsively perky redhead, “Flo,” babbling about another insurance provider that you know is just waiting to blow you off should you ever have the temerity to actually file a claim. And the E-Trade baby: What is that? Maybe mildly amusing for the first, I don’t know, 52,000 times I saw it. But now the kid just gets me to thinking far too much about Planned Parenthood options. And yet as annoying as all of those inarguably are, they’re merely a warm-up for ----- Fred Thompson.
Hard to believe that it’s been just three years since the ex-GOP senator from Tennessee was putting vast swaths of this country into a coma with the most numbing – and doomed – presidential bid ever. That was after his equally sleep-inducing role as district attorney Arthur Branch on TV’s “Law and Order;” also a couple of direct-to-DVD films…his vapid U.S. senate term…and, very early on, his service to his country as minority counsel on the senate Watergate committee during which he distinguished himself by basically being in the way.
And now? One of the most grating television commercials since “the discovery of photoconductivity,” by a man so loathsome he must’ve been born with an expired “use by” date: Fred Thompson.
Fred currently appears on TV, it seems, about seventy times an hour for a company that sells “reverse mortgages.” That’s a mortgage that let’s people who have one foot in the grave tap into their home equity to pay for rising health care costs and other “golden years” issues, like caskets, then leave their children the unwanted job of trying to sell the joint to pay off the loan when their parents die…which they will do. Die.
Some analysts describe “reverse mortgages” as sort of our new “sub-prime mortgages.” Really. What could possibly go wrong? “No risk, government backed,” all of that crap. There were exactly 157 reverse mortgages arranged in 1990. In 2009, there were 114,692. And since then, pushed by certain TV hucksters, they’ve really taken off. Hey, where are Dick Fuld, Ken Lewis and Angelo Mozilo when you need them?
So this is what Fred Thompson does today -- try to slick-talk America’s “senility set” into buying sleazy “lifetime” mortgages that their kids will be on the hook for when they’re unable to sell pop’s house to make up the $1-million owed on the dump that’s now worth $300,000. Terrific. Fred Thompson: “reverse moron.”