Charles Rangel, Man of Action: Hammer Time

While touring with MC Hammer, I was offered a chance to perform for the President and the new chairman of BP, Carl-Henric Svanberg. The President was trying to get assurances that BP would pay for all of the damage they caused, and thought a private performance with M.C. Hammer would go a long way to break the ice.

I enter the Oval Office and the President introduces me to Svanberg and one of his most trusted lieutenants.  I lock the door and as Svanberg’s guy extends his hand to shake mine, I grab it and introduce him to M.C.  Hammer; My titanium, custom made, Ways& Means Chairman’s gavel.  I find that it’s a very useful tool when you’re trying to appropriate funds. The M.C. stands for money changer. I put the lackey’s hand on the President’s desk. The President gives me a nod and says, “Hammertime.” I start pounding on the exec’s hand. My right arm was a blur, like a thirteen-year old’s watching a Jenna Jameson movie.

The President yells, “Stop! Hammertime.” Obama asks Svanberg if he’d like to drop a few bucks into the hat for the entertainment, and assures him that I have an encore left in me. Svanberg looks at me and sees me smiling and covered in blood like I’m Carrie on prom night. Bastard says he only has $5 billion. I said, “Oil rigger please” and then grabbed his hand. As you know Imus, I’m a baaad man. All of my calendars go from March 31st to April 2nd. Do you know why? Because nobody fools Charlie Rangel. I’m the reason you can’t find Waldo. I raise the gavel and then Svanberg says, “I meant $5 billion in four installments.” Silly Swede, forgetting to bring his wallet to a Charlie Rangel fundraiser.