From the Green Room: Darling Dagen

Dagen McDowell scares me.

What hides behind this smile?Don’t get me wrong, I love her to death. She’s beautiful inside and out, and one of the single funniest woman on the planet, which is an enormously huge statement, because there are precious few funny women on it. She’s also very sweet, incredibly kind, and, like they might say back in her hometown of Campbell County Virginia, she’s “real” smart. There is no debate that she is one of the best, most informed financial news anchors out there.  

But she’s also kind of like the much younger, way hotter version of that Crazy Great Aunt we all have, who is…oh, let’s say for the sake of being demure…unpredictable. I am convinced, after knowing her for 10 months, that Dagen is capable of saying or doing…anything.  She knows no fear.  She has no filter, no “governor” to prevent her from acting purely on her instinct. Which I’m starting to think is that of a person who could be legally declared “Bull Goose Loony.”

It probably began with a note from the kindergarten teacher informing Dagen’s mom and dad that she didn’t “play well with the other children,” then escalated to suspensions from middle school for bringing loaded weapons to gym class, and most likely wound up with some kind of work release program arranged by the state, allowing her to re-attend high school as long as she provided 150 hours of community service and promised to attend an anger management class.

Dagen after a long day?Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid. I’m very, very afraid. Because just when you think she’s all hearts and flowers and sweetness and light, all of a sudden the pig blood drops, the gym doors slam shut, and the girl goes completely “Carrie” on you.  Stuff starts flying around the room, there’s lightning and thunder, monkeys go berserk…I’m telling you, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would take a rain check on being in the same room with her.  

Recently, she revealed to Imus some professional envy extant between herself and Fox Business Anchor Connell McShane, who is prettier than about one-third of all business anchors on every network, but not prettier than Jenna Lee, Dagen, or, some might say, Stuart Varney. (Although I do think that proper British accent of his is what really makes my Stewie Bear so dreamy).  

pretty boyConnell made the unfortunate move of talking about Dagen with the I-Man without the benefit of Dagen being in one of the little pop-up windows that adorn the TV screen when more than one person speas from an individual location; it’s a directorial choice that sometimes causes The Imus in the Morning Program on the Fox Business Network to resemble the opening credits of The Brady Bunch. Somehow, Dagen popped herself on from her location a number of floors above our studio, and threatened to take some of Connell’s hair, dry out an apple, and fashion a likeness of him.

That’s right. Dagen McDowell was going to make a Connell McShane voodoo doll.  

I’m not saying she’s a Santeria priestess, but the girl DOES have a Gris Gris bag. She says it’s her portable makeup kit, in which she also carries her “spare set of drawers,” but the damn thing has SKULLS on it. I kid you not...it’s not adorned with stripes, or polka dots, or even plaid. The thing is fashioned with a piece of fabric with a pattern featuring cartoon  HUMAN SKULLS.  And I’m assuming the only reason she uses it is because she couldn’t get the one with ACTUAL REAL HUMAN SKULLS on it through security at Fox.

has anyone seen this man?This might be unrelated, but after this morning’s show, Connell began limping. After removing both his shoes, found he had grown two Planter’s Warts, each approximately the size of a baby’s head.  And it may be pure coincidence, but nobody has heard from Dagen’s husband Jonas for a few weeks either.  (In a related story, when the cable company came to check on a loose connection under their porch, Dagen chased them away with a Bowie Knife.)

I love her.  She’s a dear, dear friend.  But I’m putting a broom across my doorway tonight.  Just in case.