From the Greenroom: The Swiss Dilemma

As I sit here in the greenroom trolling the internet, looking for some stories to seize upon in order ruin a couple of lives, I came across a story about a company in Switzerland that’s begun manufacturing condoms designed for early teens.  Apparently, there’s quite a few horny Swiss middle schoolers who, up until now, in between skiing, eating cheese and drinking hot chocolate, were practicing unsafe sex.  Wow. These kids today!  When I was in junior high, I had no sex life…unless I went to school with a hole in my pocket.

The new, smaller prophylactic, produced by the Swiss-based company Lamprecht AG, is called ‘Hotshot’, and is designed to accommodate 12-14 year old boys for whom regular condoms are too large, causing them to slip off.  Sorry to say, I would benefit greatly from these new designer rubbers myself…that is, if it weren’t for the fact that I still have no sex life… unless I go to work with a hole in my pocket.

It’s safe to assume that if these Alpine Adolescents are getting some, then they must have to “work the situation” just like grownups do.  You can picture them down at the singles ice cream parlor, scoping out the babes.  It made me wonder:

Just what kind of pickup lines would a 12-14 year old boy use?

“If I said you had a beautiful body…would you have sex with me?”
“No, that’s NOT a roll of lifesavers in my pocket…I’m just happy to see you.”
“Wow!  My zits are almost as big as your…breasts.”
“Hey, if you won’t go out with me, is it okay if I think of you later on while I’m touching myself?”
“You know, you’re almost as hot as that Princess from Super Mario Brothers”
“You’re the girl of my dreams…which is why my mother has to change my sheets every day.”
“I could use some help with my anatomy homework.  Tell me, does this thing in my pants look like a bone to you?”