The I-Man's Blog: Say 'Cheese'...

Rex and Michelle Ryan, in less disgusting timesA new puzzler for the I-man in the “relationship” arena:  Most recent one prior to this, you may recall, was how people could possibly find sending – and receiving – penis pictures to be “romantically stimulating.” That awkward Brett Favre “digital genital” cell-cam episode?  “Look, Barbara, that nice Brett Favre just emailed me a couple of candids of his schlong.  How thoughtful.”  Well, here’s the new one, and coincidentally it again involves the New York Jets and anatomical features.  Feet.  Specifically, the feet of Coach Rex Ryan’s wife, Michelle.

To review how we got here:  Initially, a half dozen videos came to light of Michelle Ryan displaying her feet in a manner that seemed to say, so I’m told, “hold me.”  Now, a series of photographs has surfaced that augment those original videos by actually showing a guy doing just that – fondling Ms. Ryan’s feet. They also show Ms. Ryan – or certainly a dead ringer for her – posing in what people, coarsely, sometimes refer to as a “beaver shot,” with feet still prominent in a pair of strappy little black pumps.  Coach Ryan, asked about all of this during some post-game press sessions, declined to comment beyond saying it’s a “personal matter.”  Indeed.

What stumps me is the whole “foot fetish” thing in the first place. Take off your shoes and socks for a minute and look carefully at your feet.  Are you stimulated?  Should there be a tattoo down there cautioning, “To avoid risk of serious injury, seek immediate medical attention for an erection lasting more than four hours?”  Or even “three hours, fifty-nine minutes?”  No. Not necessary.  In fact, when I consider body parts that could possibly be construed as “arousing” at all, I’d have to put feet pretty far down the list.  But maybe I’m just naïve.

file this under: never a good ideaGenerally, though, to me feet aren’t “pretty.”  What they are is “gnarly.”  And while such interpretations are subjective, I’d have to place Ms. Ryan’s feet right up front in the “gnarly” file.  Frodo feet.  Not Megan Fox feet.  That is, if even Megan Fox feet might qualify as “stimulative.” I suspect not. But again, perhaps I’m just naïve…and Brett just wasn’t “sexting” the right body part to elicit the desired response.  He fired off a photo of his penis when he should have fired off a photo of his…feet?  What could Brett Farve’s big ol’ stinky furry feet possibly look like?  I shudder to think.  How about, I don’t know, Terry Bradshaw’s feet?  Good lord. Or, say, Camilla Parker Bowles feet, for godssake.  Is that a photograph you want to see?  Camilla Parker Bowles’ fungus fouled gunboats leering up at you out of your iPhone?  Or anybody’s?  “Stimulating?” How about “nauseating.”

Better idea, smooth talker:  Leave your penis in your pants, your feet in your shoes and don’t ever get the idea that maybe nostrils might be sexy.