In a Not Surprising Turn of Events, Imus and Wallace Hurl Insults at One Another

Chris Wallace wasted no time this morning getting to a subject Imus normally reserves for the conclusion of their regular chats: who in the world will appear on Fox News Sunday this weekend?
 
It’s unclear whether Wallace was so excited because a) he actually knew who the guests would be or b) the guests themselves are so darn cool, but either way, he gleefully shared that outgoing Defense Secretary Robert Gates would appear. “And then, in what we think is his first Sunday show appearance ever,” Wallace began, far too dramatically, “Jon Stewart.”
 
Actually impressed, Imus declared, “That is a good show!” Which he followed up with, “You’re an annoying twit, but your show’s good.”
 
Once Wallace finished congratulating himself on his amazing lineup, he noted the stark difference in the President’s rhetoric on U.S. engagement in overseas affairs before and after he was elected.
 
“All the stuff the President said about the War on Terror, and interrogation, and transparency, and the way you prosecute a war, and the War Powers Act—you know that Candidate Obama would be bashing a lot of the things that President Obama is doing,” Wallace said, then quickly noted there is hypocrisy on both sides of the aisle.
 
Following a few seconds of silence, Imus wondered if his guest had arrived at the end of his sentence. Instead, Wallace purveyed a journalistic lesson. “When I do an interview, I’m ready when the guy finishes an interesting, coherent thought,” he said. “Did Bernie not write your follow-up question?”
 
To which Imus naturally replied, “I really hate you, you triple-chinned stooge.”
 
Things did not fare much better between the two grown men when talk turned to this week’s Republican presidential debate in New Hampshire, which Wallace only watched for a little while and Imus watched not at all.
 
“Only a loser would watch a two hour debate,” Imus declared, after deriding Wallace for not watching the entire thing. He was curious to know if “his guy” Romney won, leading Wallace to pronounce Imus “the weather vane of American politics.”
 
The consensus among the idiots who care about this stuff was, in fact, that Mitt Romney had won the night, and also that Rep. Michele Bachmann had been impressive. “She’s got a whole buzz about her now,” Wallace added.
 
But back to Jon Stewart, whom Wallace was admittedly nervous about interviewing. “It must be a little bit the way you feel when interviewing me,” he told Imus. “He’s a lot smarter than I am. He’s certainly a lot funnier than I am.”
 
Unfortunately, Imus did not have time to delve into the well of Wallace’s insecurities. “I have to go,” he said, curtly. For once, Wallace was kind.
 
“I understand,” he said. “A man of your age—you probably do have to go to the john.”
 
-Julie Kanfer