Fred Imus is Full of Surprises

From online dating to immigration reform and “panty-sniffing” liberal weenies, there’s no topic too high-minded for Fred Imus, as his brother learned today. But first, Fred had a question about esteemed Fox Business Reporter Dagen McDowell.

“Is Dagen going to be talking about being wet and sweaty anymore?” he asked, referring to Dagen’s admitted difficulty getting dressed in the morning. “Because if not, I’ll put my clothes back on.”

If it wasn’t already obvious, Fred’s got a way with the ladies. As such, he’s removed himself from the online dating services that haven’t already kicked him off because, in his view, dating these days more resembles a negotiation than anything else.

After a few weeks of messaging back and forth with one particular woman, Fred was about ready to take her out on a date. “The night before I was supposed to take her out, she sends me a message and says, ‘Do you still want to see me if our date doesn’t lead to any kind of sex?’” Fred recalled. “And I wrote her back and said, ‘No.’”

Fred then described a “test” he requires all potential mates to pass, involving their willingness to perform oral sex in various scenarios. If it sounds disgusting, that’s because it is.

Though Fred’s cell phone service was less than stellar this morning, the I-Man, not known for his patience, exhibited great restraint in not hanging up on his brother, whose opinions about illegal immigration were surprisingly salient.

“It changes nothing,” said Fred, an Arizonan, of the tough immigration law recently adopted in his state. “It doesn’t change anything the cops haven’t already been doing.”

The law permits police to question people about their immigration status if there is reasonable suspicion to do so, which has caused a great uproar throughout the country even though “it mirrors the federal law,” as Fred accurately pointed out.

“The way people have overreacted about it is laughable,” he added. “They’re not going to go around locking people up because they look like they might be illegal.”

To Imus’s point that some people suspect otherwise, Fred replied, “They’re stupid.” He even went so far as to predict there would not be one case of somebody being unjustly stopped and arrested.

A Tucson resident, Fred thinks the city would shut down without illegal immigrants. “Most of them that come up here are coming up here to work, and there’s people willing to hire them,” he said. “There’s two ways to stop illegal immigration. You stop it with deadly force at the border. The other way to stop it is to put people in jail for hiring them.”

Americans on the East and West Coasts who are up in arms over the law, like Imus’s pal Mike Lupica, are idiots, said Fred. “They don’t even know the situation in Arizona,” he said, his voice rising. “They have not a clue about what the situation is.”

In fact, Lupica doesn’t want the Major League Baseball All-Star game to take place in Arizona in 2011, as scheduled, because of his objection to the law. “He’s so out of touch, it’s starting to scare me,” said Fred. “Lupica is the problem.”

Told his time was up, Fred became sad, almost withdrawn, and asked why his brother had to go. “I have to talk to talk to somebody who’s not a crazy person,” said Imus. “But I love you.”

-Julie Kanfer