Vote Kinky for Texas Agriculture Commissioner!

The next Agriculture Commissioner in the state of Texas (or so he hopes), Kinky Friedman, spent way too much time today asking Imus to locate a pro-Kinky radio spot recorded by Willie Nelson. When that didn't work out, Kinky cracked a joke, as he is wont to do.

"You know, Willie took some time out from working on his new song," Kinky reported. The name of that song? "Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Throw Up on Your Cowboys."

Hopefully, Kinky's campaign for Texas Agriculture Commissioner will be more successful than that joke. He encouraged all Texans—Republicans, Independents, and Democrats—to vote Kinkily in tomorrow's open primary.

"I'll be able to do a lot of the things, most of the things, that I would have been able to do as Governor, without the legislature hounding me," said Kinky, who, if he wins, would be the first Democrat elected to statewide office in Texas in 17 years.

Some of the things Kinky would like to do include using alternative fuels at farming co-ops; selling bio-diesel fuel at every gas station and truck stop in Texas and employing Willie as a spokesperson; and building no-kill animal sanctuaries throughout the state so that millions of stray animals are not killed every year.

"The good ol' boy network will tell you, well, that's not what the Ag Commissioner does," said Kinky. "But I think it's what he should do. He should protect the land, look after the animals, and listen to the people. And that's not getting done right now."

Kinky believes he can beat the incumbent Republican Todd Staples, a friend of Texas Governor, former cheerleader, and Kinky foe Rick Perry, because of how Staples is choosing to cut back on his agency's budget.

"He has decided to make his cuts in the area of food grown by local farmers going to people with disabilities and senior citizens in rural areas," said Kinky, who, in his last will and testament, has ordered his ashes be scattered in Rick Perry's hair.

A Texan who has lived in the Hill Country all his life, Kinky's particularly suited for this position because he spent two years in the Peace Corps as an agricultural extension officer in Borneo. He operates the Utopia Animal Rescue Ranch, where he saves and nurtures stray dogs, which he has made a focal point of his campaign. Kinky also plans to save family farms, which are being replaced with larger, more industrialized operations.

"What we've got now is Agro-business," he said. "They put a dairy cow in a narrow stall her whole life, suck her dry, and put a bullet in her head, and the cow never sees a pasture. We really can do better than that."

But clearly, Kinky can't do better with his own website, since Imus was still unable to locate this alleged Willie Nelson ad, even though Kinky insisted it was on the homepage.

"You should fire all those people around you and get new people," said Imus, not very surprisingly. "Where in the hell is Jewford when we need him?"

-Julie Kanfer