Recently, the internet was buzzing with a viral video of a Lion attacking its trainer at the Wild Animal Habitat in the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas. Unfortunately, there was no crime-scene style, graphically bloody carnage, yet it still made the point that, when dealing with “wild animals,” the operative word…is WILD.
Despite nature’s many attempts to convince human beings that animals are not interested in any kind of anthropomorphic behavior, we insist on forcing them into situations that totally belie their instincts. Yes, contrary to what you might surmise from watching them at the circus, Brown Bears don’t actually enjoy wearing tutus and balancing on giant rubber balls, and chimpanzees, while hilarious doing just about anything, are not themselves amused by wearing pants and riding bicycles while smoking cigars. So when you put the “King of Beasts” in a glass encased cage, essentially humiliating it in front of a bunch of greasy, sweaty tourists in Bermuda shorts, you can’t blame him for taking it out on the nearest human.
The video shows the majestic feline in his casino-designed, brightly lit, fiberglass, faux den, regally resplendent in a prone position, just seconds before the attack. You can almost hear his thoughts…
“Look at me. One minute I’m in Africa, chasing antelopes, and the next I’m some sideshow freak on display for the sole amusement of every fat, tourist west of the Mississippi. Hey, what are you lookin’ at? Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you, Tubb-o. Yeah, you, Chucklebutt, in the Criss Angel ‘MindFreak’ t-shirt, trying to take my picture with that cheap imitation iPhone. Thank God I can’t actually hear you through this bulletproof glass, because I think if I knew just how clueless you were in trying to impress your girlfriend with facts about me, I might actually upchuck the rump roast the guy who comes in every morning to hose down the habitat brought me for breakfast. In town for a convention, Sparky? Or did you just have a hankering for nickel slots and 99-cent shrimp cocktails? Mouth-breathing pipe fitter. Jesus, if you only knew how stupid you look in those white socks and sandals. What are you, European? You’re not impressing anybody—you know that, right? I got news for you, Spartacus, I could have your woman if I wanted her. That’s right. You know why? Cause I’m the king of the effing jungle, son. And I take what I want. Oh, wait…oh no, no, no. You’re not MEOWING at me, are you? That make you feel good? Trying to diminish me in front of MY woman? I don’t think so. Okay, well…wait. I can’t take it out on you, because I’m imprisoned here behind this glass. But I can…um…take it out on him! See this trainer here next to me? Watch this! You see that? I came THIS close to taking a chunk out of that boy’s ass! You like that? Hey, what’s that I smell? You just soil yourself did you? Uh huh. Yeah. That’s right. Who’s the King of the Jungle, now, huh? SAY IT! Now get your fat ass down to the all-you-can-eat buffet. I’m about to be tranquilized.”