From the Green Room: Back From 'Vacation'

Today, we all return to our respective locations after a relaxing hiatus. All of us, that is, except for the I-Man, as his particular deal with the Devil precludes his ever taking a vacation.  As he often reminds us (although not with the same frequency as the updates about his battle against prostate cancer), he never gets time off. Every moment spent away from radio and television is spent with “the little knotheads” at the Imus Ranch for Kids With Cancer, dedication that, I’m sure, is noticed by the children.  As in, “Does that old guy in the cowboy hat have to follow us EVERYWHERE?”

This morning, Imus returns to the Ranch Dance Hall down the road from which he broadcasts, while a depressed Warner, Lou and Bernie will all slink back into their studio at ABC, Chuck will take his place on set at Fox, and Tony and I will return here, to the Green Room, where we can network with (read: suck up to) one of the many in-studio Show Business guests, hoping they might, in a weak moment, throw us a bone and give us a guest shot in their feature film or television series. Like Larry Miller, an old friend of mine from the old Comic Strip / Catch A Rising Star Days of standup comedy in the 80’s, who, after I finally reconnected with him after nearly 30 years, still hasn’t returned my calls. 

not dysfunctional at allAfter being away, you forget what a logistical nightmare it is to broadcast a nationally syndicated radio program and its cable television simulcast when there are so many different locations from which it originates. We cover two time zones, sometimes even more when there’s an on-camera guest from a remote position.  At any given time on the television side, there could be up to nine different mini screens with various participants, making the proceedings look like the title sequence to a new dysfunctional version of  “The Brady Bunch.” 

Jonathan Alter and Bo Dietl were both in-studio guests. Lovely gentlemen, both, although basically ignored by Tony and myself, as neither can do anything for us other than get us a break on a Newsweek subscription or put us on a waiting list for a table at Rao’s. 

Imus is touting a new book about the Comanche Tribe of Native Americans, and is enamored with one of the nice namefigures in the book, a brave by the name of “Buffalo Hump.”  Which is not surprising, seeing as it’s coming from a man who enjoys substituting the word ‘erection’ for ‘election’, ‘selection’ and ‘protection’, and takes special glee in announcing Congressman Anthony Weiner as a guest. 

But with headlines facing us this morning like Mel Gibson’s faux pas; Mike “The Situation” endorsing a new pre-workout vitamin supplement; and Tar Balls reaching the beaches in Texas, we all begin the week with the number 9 looming in all of our minds.

For it is the number of shows left until our next vacation.
And the number of times Imus will mention to us every hour how he doesn’t get one.

Let the games begin.