From the Green Room: Larry King's Telethon

likes telethonsOne thing about Hollywood phonies is that you can always count on them when disaster strikes. Haiti hadn’t even stopped shaking, and George Clooney was already on Twitter lining up celebrities to help. There’s no catastrophe too small to force J-Lo, Bono or Leonardo DiCaprio in America's pockets.

But for some reason, their response to the Gulf oil spill has been relatively sluggish. Hundreds of thousands of families in the region will be economically affected by the damage, and the ecosystem is pretty much effed for at least the next ten years. Yet it took a full two months for celebrities to band together to raise relief funds for the people, wildlife and coastline being destroyed by oil. And just in case the people on the Gulf Coast don’t have enough problems, it was Larry King, and not Mr. Clooney, who came to the rescue. The guest list wasn’t exactly the A-list.

wasn't availableDon’t get me wrong: everybody who came out should be commended for doing their part. I am contributing by not buying gas at BP stations; unless, of course, I’m really empty and there’s one right off the highway, and the Sunoco across the street is two cents more per gallon. I just wish there were some higher profile guests on the bill to help poor ol’ Larry’s efforts.  Ryan Seacrest is a nice enough guy and Alyssa Milano is a sweet young lady, but it wasn’t like the Martin and Lewis reunion for Jerry’s kids all those years ago. I guess Tony Danza must’ve turned Larry down.  

nice hairCameron Diaz was there, but she’s not exactly what you could call a “get,” since she’s been out promoting her new movie with Tom Cruise so hard that the only place she hasn’t been on is a milk carton. Hurricane Katrina, the 2004 Tsunami, and the Earthquake in Haitia all got the big names, but a couple of oyster beds get fouled, and all Larry’s left with is Ted Danson.  Who, by the way, has an environmental disaster of his own…on top of his head. That thing must have a half-life. I guarantee it’s made out of some kind of petroleum product, which, of course, is what is causing the problem in the first place.

Bono, incredibly, was not in attendance, which is highly unusual, as he’s championed more causes than The United Way.  Apparently he’s out having back surgery, and hopefully it’s not because he patted himself on it too hard.  Sting, can't get workhowever, was there to pick up the slack, but to be honest with you, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that he was the one who started the oil leak in the first place.

Because it seems like the only time he gets work these days is on telethons.