From the Green Room: Divorce

these guys can cause divorceThe Huffington Post had a disturbing story about divorce, and how you can almost predict how long you and your spouse will last based upon certain statistics. The jumping off point is that if you’re a married American, there is already a 40 to 50 percent chance you will split up with your spouse.  It goes on to report that if you live in a Red state, you’re 27 percent more likely to divorce than if you live in a Blue state.  If only one person in the marriage smokes, you’re almost definitely going to be headed for Reno.  And if you have twins or triplets, you are 17 percent more likely to divorce, which makes you wonder why, with the six rug rats that Kate Gosselin simultaneously pumped out of her uterus, it took so long for she and hubby Jon to call it quits.  

There are some predictable factors that increase the chances your so can these guysmarriage will fail: inability to bear children, for example, or arguing about money, but there are other stats that the story neglects. For instance, if the husband, prior to marriage, lived in his parent’s basement, and regularly attends Star Trek conventions dressed as Mr. Spock, you can pretty much set your phasers on ‘Kill’ for that particular union. That is, unless his wife was okay with their wedding vows being performed in Klingon. Apparently, there is also a 47 percent more of a chance that your marriage is doomed if your partner cooks Meth, and you do not.  And as Tiger Woods, Tiki Barber and Jesse James will tell you, being caught in an extra-marital relationship with a skank also does not bode well for success.

On the Divorce 360 website, there is actually a calculator where you can enter information based on your demographic, and find out the likelihood you’ll be grateful you signed that pre-nup. I entered my data and discovered, to my horror, that after 23 years of wedded bliss, a man of my age who got married when I did has a 30 percent chance of divorcing his spouse. Despite the fact that neither my wife nor I smoke, we live in a Blue state, and we’re not Trekkies. Still, I need to go home now and give her the bad news.  

“No, there’s nothing wrong, it’s just time to pack your bags, honey.  Science has spoken.”