Today I must post a retraction for an inaccurate depiction of Don Imus I wrote in yesterday’s installment of ‘From the Greenroom’. In a lame attempt at humor, I painted a picture of the I-Man as an ugly, evil, horrible person, who suffers from an obsession with minutiae worse than any Type A personality, and that he brutalized our sweet and dedicated production assistant, Carley, for placing his cowboy hat upside down on a table. In the interests of truthfully reporting the incident, I must set the record straight.
Don Imus is not ugly.
In fact, he is, what some women might consider, ‘hunky’. Not Connell McShane pretty, mind you, but a rugged, striking individual, whose strong, almost woodcut features could adorn the cover of any Zane Grey novel. Although I am not a homosexual, I can see where one would be deeply attracted to him. In fact, I can easily picture a scenario in which I could actually ‘Get Physical’ with him. Perhaps it’s because he has repeatedly told me how many times I have ‘hosed’ him.
What I failed to understand is that there is a sacred relationship between a cowboy and his hat, and that there are a lot of superstitions surrounding that relationship. For instance, a cowboy must NEVER place his hat on a bed, as it will most assuredly bring bad things. A cowboy should never let someone wear his hat, unless he plans on taking them home. And, in addition to it ruining the brim, if the hat is placed on a table the way it is worn on your head, all the luck will run out. Of course, so will the lice, but I suppose that’s not as important as the potential loss of good fortune.
I exaggerated the incident in an attempt to be humorous. Here, in fact, is a verbatim transcript of what actually transpired:
Carley: Yes, Mr. Imus?
IMUS: You’re doing a great job, really terrific, I just want to ask, if you don’t mind, that you not place my hat on the desk brim-down from now on.
Carley: I’m so sorry, Mr. Imus
IMUS: Oh, that’s fine, no worries, you didn’t know. I probably shouldn’t have even said anything about it in the first place. I mean, it’s just a hat, I have about a thousand of them, so if the brim got bent I could just wear another one. Or send Brant out in the limo to go purchase a few hundred more, just in case you keep forgetting how to properly rest it on the table. I’m sorry I even brought it up. I really shouldn’t obsess over it so much, it’s not like if you don’t place it correctly it will give me Cancer, which would be a moot point anyway, because you as you know, I already have Cancer. Boy, Rob looks really great today, doesn’t he? He sure looks like he’s lost a lot of weight. Remind me to call Julie later and ask her if she wouldn’t mind booking Harold Ford Junior on the program. I’ve been thinking about it, and he’s really a great guy after all.
Now, I ask you. Is THAT the behavior of an ugly man?