Monday, May 10, 2010
- Another one bites the dust: Pope accepts resignation of a German bishop this time – who’d offered to step down for smacking around children in his care and scamming money donated to an orphanage. Yes, an orphanage. In a brief statement, Bishop Walter Mixa asked forgiveness from “those to whom I have done an injustice and those I have saddened.” How about just keeping your mitts off kids and out of the till? Start there.
- Suspicions confirmed: “DNA Studies Show Neanderthals, Humans Mated.” A decade after scientists first cracked the human genome, they’ve done the same for Neanderthals. Intriguing findings: Modern humans mingled and mated with Neanderthals millennia ago – and Neanderthal DNA actually lives on in modern humans today…finally explaining Keith Richards, Mickey Rourke, Joy Behar and, well…Bishop Mixa.
- Chaz Bono gets legal name change to match gender change. A year after undergoing gender reassignment surgery, female to male, the one-time daughter of Cher and Sonny Bono to be known simply as – really weird.
- Nutrisystem says “enough already,” with L.T. Weight loss company announces it is ending its relationship with Lawrence Taylor, former Giants linebacker now charged with rape of a 16-year-old. Taylor had been one of Nutrisystem’s many annoying spokespeople. “Possible rapist” image not considered conducive to diets beyond prison menus.
- Frank Missing! Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank, chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, hasn’t been seen since British election results became known Friday…thought to possibly have rushed to London after misinterpreting the news that U.K. vote had produced a “hung parliament.” Developing…
- National Park Service adopts evacuation procedure to take incapacitated visitors down from the Statue of Liberty’s crown. Crown was reopened to the public last July. Park service will use a device developed by West Point cadet engineers to quickly evacuate medical emergency case down very narrow stairway. If device is already in use, any additional visitor in need will be evacuated even more quickly by being pushed from crown to Lady Liberty’s concrete base, approximately 200 feet below.
- Forget “too big to fail.” How about, “too big to bail?” Memphis, Tenn. authorities arrest a street gang member wanted on numerous felony counts including “aggravated kidnap.” Suspect remains in custody – and here’s why: Bond was set at $1-Billion dollars. Suspect? 24-year-old Antwan Melvin…with whom you do not want to mess.
- DEFCON Ten: South Korea placed on highest possible red alert footing! 69-year-old Cha Sa-soon who recently passed her driver’s test on her 960th attempt…is now said to be in the market to buy a car. Omigod…