Tony Powell

Charles Rangel, Man of Action: Air Charlie

2010-07-14T13:32:35Z

I was convinced that Lebron James was coming to the Apple. I had worked behind the scenes to help sweeten the pot. I arranged for a lifetime of free meals at Sylvia’s restaurant in Harlem, and movie passes at the Magic Johnson Theaters. I always thought that Magic Johnson would’ve been a greatest name ever for a porno star, but considering the way we got screwed by Lebron, I guess I was wrong.

It was disgraceful what he did. He teased us, led us on, and then not even a kiss goodnight. So I decided to pay the King a little visit to get my goodnight kiss.

I flew down to Miami and crashed the Heat’s little celebration party. I get there as the balloons dropped. I walked up to “Bron Bron” like Michael Corleone did to Fredo in Godfather II, and grabbed him by his cheeks and kissed him full on the lips. I looked him in the eye and said, “You broke my heart Lebron. You broke my heart.”

Then I ripped off my tear away suit pants, revealing my vintage belted basketball short shorts and, and my hi- top Chuck Taylor sneakers. I hate to brag, but those shorts make me look like I’m smuggling kielbasa.

I challenge him to a game of HO. That’s horse in two shots. He doesn’t want to play so I start bouncing the ball off of his head like Robert Duvall in the Great Santini. “C’mon squirt a few.” He agrees. Wrong move.

As you know Imus, I’m a baaaad man. I can sneeze with my eyes open. When I was born the only person crying was the doctor. Nobody slaps Charlie Rangel. Nobody! I take the ball behind the three- point line and scissor kick it. Nothing but cotton. H! I then drive to the hole, 360, and tomahawk slam it through with my feet. Game over. Silly hoopster. Rucker Park is in Harlem, bitch.

Charles Rangel, Man of Action: Hammer Time

2010-07-08T14:09:27Z

While touring with MC Hammer, I was offered a chance to perform for the President and the new chairman of BP, Carl-Henric Svanberg. The President was trying to get assurances that BP would pay for all of the damage they caused, and thought a private performance with M.C. Hammer would go a long way to break the ice.

I enter the Oval Office and the President introduces me to Svanberg and one of his most trusted lieutenants. I lock the door and as Svanberg’s guy extends his hand to shake mine, I grab it and introduce him to M.C. Hammer; My titanium, custom made, Ways& Means Chairman’s gavel. I find that it’s a very useful tool when you’re trying to appropriate funds. The M.C. stands for money changer. I put the lackey’s hand on the President’s desk. The President gives me a nod and says, “Hammertime.” I start pounding on the exec’s hand. My right arm was a blur, like a thirteen-year old’s watching a Jenna Jameson movie.

The President yells, “Stop! Hammertime.” Obama asks Svanberg if he’d like to drop a few bucks into the hat for the entertainment, and assures him that I have an encore left in me. Svanberg looks at me and sees me smiling and covered in blood like I’m Carrie on prom night. Bastard says he only has $5 billion. I said, “Oil rigger please” and then grabbed his hand. As you know Imus, I’m a baaad man. All of my calendars go from March 31st to April 2nd. Do you know why? Because nobody fools Charlie Rangel. I’m the reason you can’t find Waldo. I raise the gavel and then Svanberg says, “I meant $5 billion in four installments.” Silly Swede, forgetting to bring his wallet to a Charlie Rangel fundraiser.

Charles Rangel, Man of Action: Reelection Bid

2010-06-11T13:59:47Z

On Sunday I kicked off my campaign for re-election. There are some members of my party who don’t want me to run, and will do anything to stop me.

I will find them and kill them in their sleep.

Anyway, before a new campaign starts I always like to have a light breakfast at a little diner in the West Village. They named a breakfast after me, The Charlie Rangel platter: 6 raw eggs, 4 fried chickens, and a half a loaf of toast.

I like chicken, Imus.

I heard you buried yours. Bitten by a rattlesnake huh? A rattler bit me once. After five excruciating days the little bastard finally died. I didn’t bury it. I ate it. You know what it tasted like? Chicken.

So I’m buttering my toast when I notice a waiter dressed as a samurai tossing a salad in the corner. Ordinarily a waiter tossing a salad in a West Village diner wouldn’t stand out at all, even one dressed as a samurai. But this guy seemed familiar.

He says, “The party wants you to retire and they sent me, Yoshi Yamaguchi ” I knew it. Yamaguchi, “The Gay Blade." They called him that because he’d happily sing while he killed you. It’s a horrible death; dying to the sound of "Oooooklahoma," sung out of tune.

He draws his samurai sword. He shouldn’t have done that. He just signed his death warrant. As you know Imus, I’m a baaaad man. I iron my shirts while I’m wearing them. I’m a one -man army. There’s no “I” in Rangel but there is a rage. I scissor kicked my butter knife into Yamaguchi’s forehead.

The diner has a new menu item; Samurai on a stick.

Silly Dems, sending a Samurai to a Charlie Rangel fight.

You Too Can Be Jesse Jackson: A News Update

2010-06-08T14:06:39Z

Bp put on a containment cap
The plan is to stop the crap
that continues to lap
on the shores as a result of their oil rig mishap.
But if you look at a map
their failure to trap
the oil in a jiffy, in a snap,
has sapped the life of the coast.
Its way of life will soon be a ghost.
Truthfully, right now it’s toast.
Birds covered in oily turds
is just absurd.
This never should’ve occurred.
Word!

These terrorists from the Garden State
were two young men who became irate .
They’re losers who couldn’t get a date,
couldn’t find a mate.
Procreate?
That wasn’t their fate.
So they went to Newark International
with thoughts that weren’t rational.
So they tried for Somalia
and new plans for their genitalia.
That was their hope
but these stupid dopes
who should be hung from a rope
are going where they better not drop the soap.

We lost John Wooden, The Wizard Of Westwood.
I’m not a fan of any wizard; but he was great, not good.
The Hall of Fame
seems almost lame
for what he bought to the game.
A true genius is not a boastful claim.
His loss is truly a shame.
He coached great players, many became stars
like Wicks, Walton, and Abdul-Jabbar.
But Wooden was the biggest by far.
So goodbye coach
Your life’s work is beyond reproach.
It’s up to us to strive
to keep your legacy alive.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear.
A Bruin, that description is fair.
He watched UCLA play from the comfort of his easy chair.
Last weekend he was sitting there
when he heard the news on the air
that Wooden was gone, he just sat and stared.
He was the greatest coach beyond compare.
Fuzzy bowed his head and said a little prayer.

Charles Rangel, Man of Action: Showdown in Ko-Town

2010-06-03T13:40:29Z

In March, North Korea torpedoed a South Korean Warship, killing 46 sailors. I received a call from my good friend, South Korean president Lee Myung-Bak, asking for help and warning me that the North Koreans would try to preemptively take out South Korea’s greatest weapon: Me!

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. Of course they would come after me. As you know, I’m a bad man. Charlie Rangel puts the laughter in manslaughter. Think about it. I trained my dog to pick up his own poop because I don’t take crap from anyone.

I jump in a cab and head down to Korea Town to Sung’s Korean Barbecue. I ain’t no punk. I hide in plain sight. I walk in and take a table in the corner. Then in he walks, my old nemesis, General Min Kee Moon. He’s followed by a platoon of North Korean army regulars called Moon’s platoon. Our eyes meet. Well, not quite. Moon is cockeyed, the result of our last meeting and a carefully placed scissor kick to the back of the face.

Moon says, “You should not have come here.”

I look over my shoulder and said, “You talking to me, Moon?”

I wasn’t trying to be De Niro, but it was hard to tell who the cockeyed bastard was looking at. He looks at his lieutenant and orders him to attack. Two lieutenants look around, point at themselves and say, “Who, me?”

I leap into action. I did a flying scissor kick and skewered half the platoon. A Rangel kabob. The rest flee in terror. Do you know what happened to the Moon? Bang Zoom. Silly bastards. Bringing a platoon to a Charlie Rangel fight.

Charles Rangel, Man of Action: Shaken, Not Stirred

2010-06-01T14:58:16Z

I first met James Bond at the Casino in Monte Carlo back in the fifties. He was my British Intelligence liaison. I taught him everything he knows; how to walk, how to talk, how to avoid a hat being thrown at you. The kid had no style. He walked into the Casino wearing a plaid sport coat, clip-on tie, and brown shoes after six. I walked up, and introduced myself, “Hello my name is Rangel, Charlie Rangel”
He said, “Wow Charlie Rangel. I’m …. I’m James Bond. Double O-3 1/2.”
I said, “Kid, you stand out like a sore thumb.”
I had my tailor hook him up with a black tuxedo and a bow tie. Imus, ladies love the bow tie. We met at the bar around six, I ordered vodka martinis. Tea totaling bastard downs his and is about to urp when I cover his mouth and shake him up and down. That’s where the “shaken not stirred came from.”
Minutes later our target walks in: Chinese weapon supplier and top female assassin Buddha Call. She’s playing high stakes Baccarat with North Korean money. If I can beat her at the tables, I stop the North Koreans. Bond was lucky at cards but afraid of girls so it’s up to me to make the Buddha Call.
Bond says, “Be careful Mr. Rangel she’s a trained killer.”
I say, “I don’t know if you heard Jimbo, But I’m a Bad man.”
Dairy Queen used to be Dairy King before I made it my bitch. She has the shoe and deals the cards.
She says, “Nine Mr.Rangel.”
I say,“Nine, and then some.”
I wake up in the morning with her draped over me like an Allen David suit. As I walk out the door she says, “Call me Charles.” When I need another Buddha Call, I’ll holler. Silly North Koreans, bringing a female assassin to a Charlie Rangel fight.

You Too Can Be Jesse Jackson: Still Not Rhyming

2010-05-26T14:30:47Z

Say the following and fight the urge to rhyme:

South Korea experienced violence from the North.
That left their president pacing back and …ah…holding his head.
Trying to decide
how to respond to the 46…killed.
The South Korean people aren’t too thr…happy.
What the North did was really crrrr….
Bring these countries to the brink of war.
We have no idea what’s in st…ahead
but I know South Korea’s defenses are at code rrr…high alert.
They’re about to get busy and go to wo…. Oh you’ll find out.
They aren’t going to be walking softly and carrying a big stick.
They’re going to show you what happens when you act like a big di…doofus.
With buck toofus.

See, Piece of cake

Louisiana’s wetlands have begun to spoil
as a direct result of BP’s…crude.
Well that’s just plain…. mean.
They’ve banned the press from letting the damage be…reported.
This Mexican Gulf’s brown tide can’t be depor…sent back.
That’s just wiggity wiggity wh…wrong.
BP turned the Gulf in to the La Brea tar pit.
What was beautiful now looks like sh….poop.

Jesse James
should feel asham….disgraced
for sleeping with the skank with the tattooed…mug.
Crying on TV?
You’re supposed to be some biker...tough.
Your interview acting was as bad as Shia Leb…Keanu Reeves.
Thank god Saundra had the good sense to…split.
Your father isn’t the only one that wants to see you get...beat.

Jesse I am
I do not like green eggs and…bacon
I used to rhyme now I’m only...pretending.
It was easy before to know where it was...going.
Now the trick is not kno…Now it’s hard to tell.
You know what Imus? You can go to…Hades.
In a brand new S-Class Merc…. Ford truck
You evil…guy

You Too Can Be Jesse Jackson: Not Rhyming

2010-05-24T17:32:48Z

In your best Jesse Jackson voice try not rhyming the following:

On Tuesday Imus didn’t like the rhyming words that are part of my schtick.
Truthfully he was acting like a big ( Pause) Richard.
So I no longer rhyme.
Fill in the blanks
and you’ll have my…Thh…gratitude.

John Edwards wants to cop a plea.
He hopes the prosecutors will aaaa……say yes.
Because that would be……bbb good.
He’s out on bail,
he doesn’t want to go to ….jjj prison.
He hopes they make the right dddd…choice.
He’s afraid of jail life.
He’s a husband, he’ll be somebody’s wi...woman.
Prison life is sick.
He’ll be forced to suck his husband’s...toe.
See I could do it.

Mark Souder,
who looks like nasty clam ch...gumbo.
Didn’t think it was ….strange.
Screwing out the br…mind
of someone working part...reduced hours.
The story made me want to take a shhh…bath.
Souder better do the ma….calculations.
It would’ve been cheaper if you engaged in masterba…If you had spanked your monkey.

Fuzzy w...was a bear.
He told rhymes that were beyond comp…That were pretty damn good.
The audience laughed as they shhh…
Because they wou..….um.
I don’t know why they laughed. S

Sadly Fuzzy had bad luck because he was working for some dumb…..fff guy.

You Too Can Be Jesse Jackson: Miss America

2010-05-19T14:03:58Z

In your best game show announcer, civil-rights activist, Jesse Jackson voice say the following rhymes out loud:

The other night
to their sheer delight
Muslims caught sight
of a woman with a smile that was bright
looking resplendent in white
they couldn’t believe their plight
learning that 2010’s winner, was a...Shiite.
Pray as we might
that folks will be polite,
and treat her right
but you know they’ll be trouble, when she takes her next flight.

Rima Fakih
was announced by the emcee
and added a new branch to the American beauty tree.
I know some of you may not agree,
find yourselves displeased,
and want a blonde blue-eyed reprise,
and hope that they seize
and take the keys
from this American beauty, born Lebanese.

She has beauty and talents, some that she doesn’t extol
because baby won money dancing on the stripper pole.
So what if she shook it for a bar to view?
As long as she wasn’t screaming Loo Loo Loo Loo.
Some say she has family in Hezbollah
but she’s not acting bipolar,
hiding secrets in her molars,
being used by some foreign controller,
walking into Times Square with a bomb disguised as a stroller, b
eing wooed in a mosque by some Shiite holy roller,
sending a check to the Ayatollah.
Instead she’s walking with a sash on her shoulder
She’s the Miss America title holder,
no need for CIA file folders
looking for terrorist nests or hives,
we want this girl to thrive
and keep our Miss Universe hopes alive.

Fuzzy Wuzzy Wuz a bear
Watching the pageant he began to glare,
stare,
at the brown-eyed girl with the dark hair,
beyond compare.
She was so fine, it wasn’t fair.
Omigod Fuzzy went there .
Fuzzy was huffing,
Fuzzy wuz puffing,
Fuzzy screamed, sighed.
Look, there’s was a room full of stuffing

You Too Can Be Jesse Jackson: But You Don't Want to be LT

2010-05-13T14:47:34Z

Say the following rhymes in your best prosecutorial Jesse Jackson voice:

Last week LT copped a plea
for rape in the 3rd degree
based on a young girl’s I. D.
he didn’t see.

This was no sack,
no hack press attack,
no helpless quarterback,
not caught smoking crack,
or even falling off the right track,
it was LT’s judgment lack,
that was truly whack.
Sex, with a young girl, whosw eye was already black?
You should’ve hit the road jack
and spared Giant Nation
this sad humiliation
and then made an anonymous phone call to the local police station.

You used to dominate the field
Chase quarterbacks with zeal
Tackles tried to block you like they were on banana peels.
You were the defensive ideal.
What you did was surreal.
But you didn’t feel
the slip of the wheel
that was causing your life to take a turn.
Just when you were starting to earn,
after years of concern,
that by playing with fire, you were bound to get burned.
There you were, cuffed, looking concerned,
hoping to be adjourned,
waiting for a court date return.

How did things get so far?
Dancing with the stars,
a golf trip trying to make par,
smoking cigars
in a hotel bar,
waiting for a kidnap victim brought by car?
That’s one helluva of a fall, by far.

Fuzzy Wuzzy wuz a bear.
He thought LT was so good that it was unfair.
Taylor made offenses swear with flair.
He caused teams to play with tight ends in pairs.
After collecting hundreds of quarterback hides
great left tackles got rich for protecting their blind sides.
LT gave Giant fans, like Fuzzy, a wild ride.
Fuzzy wore his Giants jersey with pride.
Last week Fuzzy took off his #56 jersey and cried.
Fuzzy, keep hope alive

You are living the dream!