Rob Bartletthttp://www.imus.com/rob-bartlett/en-US2010-07-30T13:24:08ZSquarespace Site Server v5.11.5 (http://www.squarespace.com/)From the Green Room: Darling Dagenhttp://www.imus.com/rob-bartlett/2010/7/29/from-the-green-room-darling-dagen.htmlJulie Kanfer2010-07-29T14:46:25ZDagen McDowell scares me.

What hides behind this smile?Don’t get me wrong, I love her to death. She’s beautiful inside and out, and one of the single funniest woman on the planet, which is an enormously huge statement, because there are precious few funny women on it. She’s also very sweet, incredibly kind, and, like they might say back in her hometown of Campbell County Virginia, she’s “real” smart. There is no debate that she is one of the best, most informed financial news anchors out there.  

But she’s also kind of like the much younger, way hotter version of that Crazy Great Aunt we all have, who is…oh, let’s say for the sake of being demure…unpredictable. I am convinced, after knowing her for 10 months, that Dagen is capable of saying or doing…anything.  She knows no fear.  She has no filter, no “governor” to prevent her from acting purely on her instinct. Which I’m starting to think is that of a person who could be legally declared “Bull Goose Loony.”

It probably began with a note from the kindergarten teacher informing Dagen’s mom and dad that she didn’t “play well with the other children,” then escalated to suspensions from middle school for bringing loaded weapons to gym class, and most likely wound up with some kind of work release program arranged by the state, allowing her to re-attend high school as long as she provided 150 hours of community service and promised to attend an anger management class.

Dagen after a long day?Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid. I’m very, very afraid. Because just when you think she’s all hearts and flowers and sweetness and light, all of a sudden the pig blood drops, the gym doors slam shut, and the girl goes completely “Carrie” on you.  Stuff starts flying around the room, there’s lightning and thunder, monkeys go berserk…I’m telling you, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would take a rain check on being in the same room with her.  

Recently, she revealed to Imus some professional envy extant between herself and Fox Business Anchor Connell McShane, who is prettier than about one-third of all business anchors on every network, but not prettier than Jenna Lee, Dagen, or, some might say, Stuart Varney. (Although I do think that proper British accent of his is what really makes my Stewie Bear so dreamy).  

pretty boyConnell made the unfortunate move of talking about Dagen with the I-Man without the benefit of Dagen being in one of the little pop-up windows that adorn the TV screen when more than one person speas from an individual location; it’s a directorial choice that sometimes causes The Imus in the Morning Program on the Fox Business Network to resemble the opening credits of The Brady Bunch. Somehow, Dagen popped herself on from her location a number of floors above our studio, and threatened to take some of Connell’s hair, dry out an apple, and fashion a likeness of him.

That’s right. Dagen McDowell was going to make a Connell McShane voodoo doll.  

I’m not saying she’s a Santeria priestess, but the girl DOES have a Gris Gris bag. She says it’s her portable makeup kit, in which she also carries her “spare set of drawers,” but the damn thing has SKULLS on it. I kid you not...it’s not adorned with stripes, or polka dots, or even plaid. The thing is fashioned with a piece of fabric with a pattern featuring cartoon  HUMAN SKULLS.  And I’m assuming the only reason she uses it is because she couldn’t get the one with ACTUAL REAL HUMAN SKULLS on it through security at Fox.

has anyone seen this man?This might be unrelated, but after this morning’s show, Connell began limping. After removing both his shoes, found he had grown two Planter’s Warts, each approximately the size of a baby’s head.  And it may be pure coincidence, but nobody has heard from Dagen’s husband Jonas for a few weeks either.  (In a related story, when the cable company came to check on a loose connection under their porch, Dagen chased them away with a Bowie Knife.)

I love her.  She’s a dear, dear friend.  But I’m putting a broom across my doorway tonight.  Just in case.

]]>From the Green Room: Gettin' Busy in the USAhttp://www.imus.com/rob-bartlett/2010/7/27/from-the-green-room-gettin-busy-in-the-usa.htmlJulie Kanfer2010-07-27T15:14:26ZThe Society of Professional Journalists Award Winner for Criticism, Anneli Rufus, has put together a piece for Tina Brown’s Daily Beast blog site that demographically dissects the frequency with which people engage in sexual activity. Using published research findings, everything from the National Opinion Research Center/University of Chicago study, “American Sexual Behavior: Trends, Socio-Demographic Differences, and Risk Behavior” to Trojan’s “2010 Pleasure Study” (yes, condom companies DO conduct research), Ms. Rufus finds some surprising revelations about the nature and regularity of getting some. For example: approximately half of Americans say they have sex at least once a week, a fact suggesting that in addition to uncovering patterns about the way we sexually relate, she has found that about 50 percent of U.S. citizens…are liars.  

Miami: Move here, get someThere are other interesting factoids to be found: Miami residents are 59 percent more sexually active than people who live in Minneapolis St.-St. Paul. Startling, when you consider that the residents of any city in Minnesota would be 59 percent more likely to want to do anything physical just to keep warm. I know I certainly have, in an amorous August moment, heard the excuse, “It’s too humid,” but apparently Florida is hot…in every definition of the word. Teenage girls, it seems, are 6.5 percent more sexually active than teenage boys. Well, where were they when I was in High School?   

Children whose parents read to them less than once a week are 33 percent more likely to be sexually active when they become teenagers Read this, get some?than children of parents who read to them at least once a week. Given the plethora of anxious parents worried about the increase in teen pregnancies, this should do wonders for sales of “Goodnight Moon.”

Rufus also discovered that men have 16 percent more sex than women do. With this finding, one could conceivably draw the conclusion that, other than with each other, men are more likely to want to have sex with themselves. Although, men over age 70 are reportedly 215 percent more likely to get some, which doesn’t mean that women aren’t also more likely, they just don’t remember having it.  

There are other astonishing disclosures in Ms. Rufus’ piece, such as that artists and poets have 233 times more lovers than those who aren’t artists or poets, and that African Americans have 8.2 percent more sex than Caucasians. Which means Maya Angelou must be getting her freak on regularly.

I guess now we know what she meant by “Still I rise…”

]]>From the Green Room: Tabloids Fill Voidshttp://www.imus.com/rob-bartlett/2010/7/26/from-the-green-room-tabloids-fill-voids.htmlJulie Kanfer2010-07-26T15:35:39ZToday, the above-the-fold, banner headline on the front page of the New York Times is “The Afghan Struggle: A Secret Archive,” referring to previously classified documents that provide a much grimmer portrayal of the war than the official version. The venerable New York Daily News features “Sex Police,” about the NYPD probe of officers cheating on their spouses with each other.  But today, the blue ribbon for Best Front Page Headline goes to the New York Post for their account of confessed wife-killer Johnny Concepcion’s controversial organ transplant:

 “Liver Let Die”

Pop Quiz:  Which of these three papers are you going to buy?

There is simply nothing better than the wordplay that winds up on the covers of our daily papers, except imagining their conception. One wonders how much high-fiving went on in the editor’s office when the head of the city desk came up with the classic “Headless Body Found In Topless Bar.” Or if there was a wager made amongst the staffers of the Wall Street Journal on whether or not the headline “Colleagues Finger Billionaire” would ever hit the streets (it did.). Like musicians and night club owners, newspaper-people lead very complicated lives. At least ones with long hours that undoubtedly make them a little punchy, resulting in the delightfully lurid head captions on the covers of our favorite tabloids.  

Obviously, the point is to draw attention to the story in an effort to motivate the purchase of the paper. But often the context is pretty fast and loose within the pages themselves, or, even better, from the Associated Press release, like “Tiger Woods Plays With His Own Balls.” It happens so often that Jay Leno has made recitations of them a signature part of his “comedy” shtick on The Tonight Show.

In the digital age, with the circulation of actual, physical, newsprint dwindling exponentially, it wouldn’t hurt the Times to come up with some more suggestive, double-entendre, florid banners to help sell more copies. And with no shortage of bad news surrounding the issues of the day, there is something for the staid and stuffy Grey Lady to learn from the media outlets that know how to grab attention. The story behind “The Afghan Struggle: A Secret Archive” might be more eye-catching if they led with “Afghan Knits Different Pattern.” Similarly, “BP Is Expected to Replace Chief with American” might be more attractive if it had “The British Are Going” at the top.   

Unfortunately, I don’t think you’ll ever see a headline in the Times sports section even CLOSE to Chris Duncan’s AP story about a New York Yankees 13-0 win over Houston back in the 2008 season, when the Taiwanese Pitcher Chien–Ming Wang sprained his foot running the bases and Alex Rodriguez hit a three-run homer:

“A-Rod Goes Deep, Wang Hurt”

Stop the presses.

]]>From the Green Room: iPhone 4http://www.imus.com/rob-bartlett/2010/7/16/from-the-green-room-iphone-4.htmlJulie Kanfer2010-07-16T13:47:23ZAs BP has proven (some would say too well), even the big dogs in the corporate world can step on their johnsons every once in awhile. It’s especially frustrating, however, when it comes to hip, cutting edge companies like Apple. One of their most anticipated gadgets, the iPhone 4, has a glitch that’s causing quite a few frowny face emoticons in text messages. Nobody’s LOL-ing over the problem with the antenna placement that reportedly causes the iPhone 4 to abruptly drop calls. But don’t worry, the problem only materializes… when you hold the phone in your hand.  WTF?

Of course, you should always use your hands-free headset anyway, lest the microwaves do to your brain what it does to a pouch of Orville Redenbacher’s “Movie-Style Buttered.” Nevertheless, it must be incredibly irritating, especially for those who spent days waiting in front of their local Apple Store so they could be the first on the block to get one. Of course, these are the same people who camped out in the street in the rain for a week prior to the opening of the final three episodes of the Star Wars saga, so it’s not like they had anything even resembling a life to put on hold.

It’s really surprising that this development has presented itself, given that Apple has always been at the forefront of technological breakthroughs. They were the ones who spearheaded the concept of apps, the mini-applications that the iPhone runs, making it the ultimate PDA, giving a big ol’ “F.U.” to Palm Pilots. These are the people who brought the world “iFart Mobile,” a third-party developed program that allows the user to play an enormously comprehensive collection of flatulence sound effects bearing names like “Burrito Maximo” and “Forrest Dump.” Why Apple CEO Steve Jobs didn’t get a Nobel Prize for creating a platform that supports software like that is beyond me.

The New York Post has offered some relatively low-tech solutions to the reception problem.  Apparently a rubber band, stretched around the perimeter of the phone’s case will do the trick, as will the application of some clear, chip-free nail polish, or, that old handyman standby, duct tape.  

It’s a bit disturbing to wrap one’s head around the concept of using a two cent, old-fashioned rubber band to rectify a serious problem with a three hundred dollar piece of high tech equipment.  It would be like trying to repair a leak in a heart/lung machine with a chewed piece of Juicy Fruit.  I know a few Apple devotees who swore by their 3G units with a pride usually saved for the accomplishments of grandchildren who are now ready to travel to Cupertino to bitch-slap Jobs. Because they maintain they would get better reception using two empty bean cans attached to a piece of string.

But then they couldn’t use the iFart. 

]]>From the Green Room: Paul the Octopushttp://www.imus.com/rob-bartlett/2010/7/15/from-the-green-room-paul-the-octopus.htmlJulie Kanfer2010-07-15T14:01:58ZWith the advent of modern technology, you’d think that BP could find a way to cap the oil well; that a poor Texas woman wouldn’t have contracted a staph infection from her 38 KKK breast implants; and that Apple could make a phone that wouldn’t drop calls when you hold it in your hand.

Especially when you consider that an octopus can infallibly predict the winners of the World Cup.

Paul, the Prophetic Octopus, was a media sensation for the last eight games of the FIFA tournament, when he, from his tank, chose the winners of the finals.  Flawlessly.  Not bad for something without an internal or external skeleton. Although Octopi are known for their problem-solving capabilities, forecasting sports results isn’t usually among their skills. Finding shells on the ocean floor to use as protection from predators?  Check.  Figuring out the line on the Dallas / Washington game?   Not so much.  Until now. 

No one knows how a cephalopod mollusk can be prescient, but bookmakers in Vegas are already investing in calamari futures. There’s no data as of yet to suggest that squid are also predisposed to uncanny intuition, but I suppose that even if they don’t prove to be psychic, they’re still pretty tasty when fried and slathered with Fra Diavolo sauce. 

The world went buck wild for the Clairvoyant Coleoidea to the point where he actually received death threats.  Those crazy soccer fans.  If they’re not shooting a goalie, they’re menacing hectocotylus-baring creatures with expressions of intention to cause harm.  But what the erstwhile aquatic assassins have actually done is effectively validate the eight-legged, suction-cup-laden animal’s status.  He is now considered a credible resource, one that can be exploited for the gain of us homo-sapiens. It won’t be long before octopus breeding farms start cropping up in hopes of developing the next Slimy Kreskin From the Deep to help solve the world’s problem through the uncanny wisdom of one of the creepiest looking occupants of the sea.  Saltwater tanks instead of think tanks.

Which is why it’s somewhat disappointing that “Paul,” prior to his retirement, used his powers of prognostication to set the odds at the many sports books around the world and not to solve the many woes of mankind.

Unless, of course, he didn’t have any ideas about how to cap the BP oil well either.

]]>From the Green Room: F U, FCChttp://www.imus.com/rob-bartlett/2010/7/14/from-the-green-room-f-u-fcc.htmlJulie Kanfer2010-07-14T13:50:47ZThe 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Manhattan threw out the 2004 Federal Communications Commission policy that imposed fines on broadcasters for allowing even a single curse word to go out over the air.  In their 2004 policy, the FCC prohibits all “patently offensive” references to sex, sexual organs, and excretion. The court decision maintains the policy is unconstitutionally vague and effectively “chills speech,” forcing “self-censorship of valuable material which should be completely protected under the First Amendment.”

 
It seems to me the real question isn’t what the FCC finds patently offensive; it’s figuring out their definition of “valuable material.”   


There’s a huge difference between airing the great George Carlin’s legendary “7 Words You Can’t Say On TV” bit, and some Wacky Morning Zoo’s Ca Ca Poo Poo skit. Yet, in theory, both should be protected under the First Amendment. I’m more concerned about the definition of “chill speech.”  Is that just a codeword for censorship?  Or is it the kind of talk that gives you goose bumps when you hear it?  And if it’s the latter, is it the tactile sensation you experience when you are titillated? Or when you’re cringing from revulsion?

 
The heart of the court’s decision is the argument that the FCC does not give any real guidelines as to what they prohibit, just a ubiquitous Justice Potter Stewart style “I know it when I see it” rationale.  Which, once again, brings us back to the genius of Carlin, and his brilliant observation, “You can prick your finger, but you can’t finger your…” well, you know.  It’s all about context, certainly, but fines have also been levied for what was considered to be too many sexual references.  Unfortunately, though the FCC maintains that profanity referring to sex or excrement is always indecent, there’s no record as to the number of on air “penis” mentions they allow, which prohibits the bargaining aspect of negotiating the fine print: “Okay, we’ll cut two ‘Johnsons’ and a ‘boner’ if you let us keep the joke about the bear and the rabbit going to the bathroom in the woods.”


With the court’s dismissal of the FCC policy, networks like MTV will no longer be punished financially when some Hollywood Phony like that racquetball goggle-wearing Bono drops the F-Bomb during a live awards ceremony. Nor will your local Wacky Morning Zoo team for their ‘Ca Ca Poo Poo’ skit.


If only there was a Federal Comedy Comission who could fine them for not being funny.

]]>From the Green Room: The Tan Taxhttp://www.imus.com/rob-bartlett/2010/7/13/from-the-green-room-the-tan-tax.htmlJulie Kanfer2010-07-13T16:13:04ZSnookiAs if President Obama’s Health Care Plan didn’t have enough detractors, you can add two more, high profile names to the list:  “Snooki” and “The Situation”.   

The Prince and Princess of Guido Royalty, the breakout stars of MTV’s  mega-hit “Jersey Shore, and two of the most egregious examples of “celebrities” who are WAY past their Andy Warhol 15 minutes do not support the plan because of one of the tariffs imposed within:  a ten percent tax on tanning booths.

For those of you who have spent the last 16 months in a cave with mushrooms and are thus unaware of who these two “personalities” are, Snooki is the somewhat ‘Rubenesque’ (read: busty and fat) young woman whose hair bump is second only the one stuffed in her short shorts, and who professed to Meghan McCain that her role model was Tori Spelling, Mother Teresa of the Vapid. “The Situation” is the young man who The "Situation"eschews Mensa meetings in favor of trips to the gym, yet is the quintessential American Success story.  He went from being an exotic dancer to a clothing designer, an author, a hip hop artist, and a household name merely by parlaying his abs into a cottage industry.

It makes sense that these two mouth-breathing morons’ opinions would be sought on the hot button topic, given its place of reverence in their daily lives. Tanning is the cornerstone of “The Situation’s” philosophy of life (Gym, Tanning & Laundry), and Snooki sports a year-round bronze hue second only to that of Pat O’Brien’s Tang glow.

The most disturbing thing is that their take was actually solicited in the first place. Given the train-wreck aspect of “Jersey Shore,” it’s not surprising that these two have become pop culture icons, but why they have been elevated to political pundit status is mind-boggling. Next thing you know, the brain trust at the Army Corps of Engineers will be tapping their expertise to come up with a solution to cap the BP oil well.  

Even with their considerable media clout, it’s doubtful that the Dynamic D-Bag Duo will mount a grassroots Ronni, another genius from "Jersey Shore"movement strong enough to defeat the 10% Tan Tax. They might, however, just have something to offer to help end the disaster in the gulf.  

The surest way to get rid of the oil?  That’s easy.

Fist pump.

]]>From the Green Room: Mel Gibsonhttp://www.imus.com/rob-bartlett/2010/7/9/from-the-green-room-mel-gibson.htmlJulie Kanfer2010-07-09T16:08:20Znice outfitOne thing you can say about Mel Gibson: the guy sure knows how to drink.

You have to appreciate someone who can pound Maker’s Mark, and not waste a perfectly good buzz by passing out. Because for entertainment value, there’s just nothing better than an angry drunk.  

Everybody remembers his anti-Semitic rant from a few years ago, complaining about how “the Jews” are responsible for all the wars in the world.  Well, it’s been awhile since Ol’ Whiskey Lips got off on another racist tangent, but just when you thought it was going to be a slow news week, here he comes, with a rape threat to his Russian ex-girlfriend, in which he uses the N-word,

Guess he’ll be withdrawing his bid to be Grand Marshall of the Brotherhood Week parade.   

Which is a shame, seeing as how he’s given the Jews and the Blacks something upon which they can finally build a bond of unity and harmony: a mutual loathing and disgust for him.  Not even LeBron could have done that. In Cleveland.

The latest revelation is that Mel used the pejorative, racist term “wetback” to describe one of his Hispanic staff members. At the rate he’s going, the only ethnic group he won’t have offended will be the Amish, and that’s only because they can’t get TMZ.  
What do you think is going on in his dark, fetid mind?  “Hey, I got a good idea…my last movie was a thundering turd, why don’t I alienate what’s left of my already virtually non-existent fan base?”

It’s just a shame Sammy Davis Junior isn’t still with us to take part in Lethal Weapon 5.

Because Danny Glover’s character Murtagh sums up the zeitgeist of the world when it comes to Mel, with the quote he’s used in all four Lethal Weapon Movies:

“I’m too old for this s***!”

]]>From the Green Room: Killer Saladshttp://www.imus.com/rob-bartlett/2010/7/8/from-the-green-room-killer-salads.htmlJulie Kanfer2010-07-08T15:34:03ZFrom “The Daily Beast,” Tina Brown’s very fine website, comes some either very troubling or incredibly liberating culinary news this morning, depending upon your personal perspective: 

Salad can kill you.

For those who are attempting to eat healthier, this is a considerable, comestible blow.  For the rest of us who always suspected that if God wanted us to subsist on lettuce he would have made us all rabbits, this is, finally, some vindication.

If you seek sustenance from Applebee’s Pecan Crusted Chicken Salad, you will ingest 1340 calories.  You could, however, save 20 calories, and put them in the metabolic hopper for another time, by simply lunching upon Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, which taps out at only 1320.  Granted, there are 19 fewer milligrams of fat and 400-plus fewer milligrams of sodium in the salad, but the fact remains that greens aren’t always the better choice.

remember this guy?For example: Let’s say you have sworn off red meat, and have decided to make only fish and poultry your proteins of choice.  You can stay with the chicken, and STILL do better than the Applebee’s Salad by eating two (TWO!) KFC Double Downs, the Holy Grail of Fast Food Sandwiches, which use a pair of fried chicken breasts as the “bun” to deliver its cheese and bacon payload.  At 540 calories apiece, they’re damn near health food compared to the pecan-crusted roughage that is offered by America’s “Neighborhood Grill.” Plus, they’re only 80 mg more sodium each. 

But if you’re going to “go there,” and have already decided that it’s only an additional 15 minutes on the elliptical machine to cover 200 extra calories, then you may as well go for the new burger at a Lebanese restaurant in Astoria, Queens, here in New York.  They have put a Quarter Pound Bacon Cheeseburger on their menu, served on a halved, grilled, sugar-glazed donut. 

Cheeseburger DoughnutThis bears repeating.

They have put a Quarter Pound Bacon Cheeseburger on their menu, served on a halved, grilled, sugar-glazed donut.

Besides rendering your blood flow to the consistency of chocolate mousse, this burger is its own daily food allotment, even for the most calorically generous of diets. However, to its credit, it features turkey bacon in place of the non-halal friendly swine version.

Unfortunately, it does not yet have a name.

I submit the obvious:

The Widowmaker

Now THAT’S good eatin’.

]]>From the Green Room: Lohan to the Slammerhttp://www.imus.com/rob-bartlett/2010/7/7/from-the-green-room-lohan-to-the-slammer.htmlJulie Kanfer2010-07-07T15:09:56ZIt’s three hundred degrees outside, the oil spill continues to befoul the Gulf Coast, the economy still looks like Max Schmeling in that second bout with Joe Louis, and yet what is today’s headline? Lindsay Lohan got sentenced to 90 days in the slammer.  

America’s Favorite Train Wreck will be remanded to Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood, California, segregated from the general jail population, but will likely serve just 22 days or so due to the overcrowding in L.A. jails. And it will be in an all female facility, a situation which, for Ms. Lohan, would be akin to Kirstie Allie living in the all-you-can-eat breakfast bar at Hometown Buffet. Not exactly like Papillon serving life in the Bastille, but that’s what you get for never meeting a highball you didn’t like, and then insisting on driving home after slamming a quart of Jaeger.

What I don’t understand is why so many celebrities wind up with DUI raps. The I-Man’s drug and alcohol use in the 70’s and 80’s is legendary, and yet he never ONCE got arrested for driving under the influence. You know why? HE ALWAYS TRAVELS BY LIMO.  What’s the point in being a famous person if you don’t ACT in the manner associated with BEING a famous person?  What’s the allure of taking your own ride down to the Ivy for mojitos?  Hollywood studios and broadcast television networks hand out star perks such as chauffeur driven stretches like they were needles at a methadone program.  That’s why God invented folks like Brant Eaton, Imus’s trusty driver for almost thirty years.  Being the only person sitting in the back of a 60-passenger black Coupe DeVille isn’t just a Quadruple E-sized carbon footprint. It’s the ultimate status symbol for why celebrities are not like the rest of us plebian, bourgeoisie underlings. They DESERVE preferential treatment. Which is why poor Lindsay is, understandably, so upset that her A-List status didn’t cut any mustard with the judge.  

She has been ordered to attend an additional 90 days of rehab as part of her sentence, since she didn’t take the court-ordered alcohol education classes that were part of her original conviction. One would think, given her demonstration of how to set off a alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet at the MTV Movie Awards after party, that she requires no further instruction on how to drink.  But then again, I don’t pretend to understand the “nuances of the court system,” which was the excuse her lawyer used to explain why she was prone to the “missteps” that got her sentenced in the first place.

Like the nightlife listings in the New Yorker maintain, just as “musicians and night-club proprietors live complicated lives,” so do wastes of Hollywood human protoplasm.  Apparently, Lohan skipped her rehab sessions due to flight problems at a North Carolina Airport; her Uncle’s funeral (which she neglected to attend); and her charity work with Moroccan children.  

Hasn’t this poor woman suffered enough?

In a word?

No.

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