Here at Imus in the Morning, we take our politicians' shortcomings very seriously. As such, we've come up with a list of ideals they should embody, or at least try to live down to. You know, like these freakshows pictured at left, who continually, and much to our delight, give new meaning to the word "lowlife."

1. EMBRACE YOUR INNER WEASEL — Exploit family members' terminal illnesses for their full PR potential. For example, employ them as justification for remaining in office though facing indictment for racketeering and money laundering. Don't be afraid to play "the cancer card."
2. EMULATE YOUR HEROES — Anything Mark Sanford, John Edwards or Bill Clinton did you can do better. Committing acts that most of your constituents would do if they could get by with them will produce headlines, late night laughs and lasting humiliation.
3. MISQUOTE THE CONSTITUTION, THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE AND THE BIBLE — Promise to display your abject lack of knowledge or fundamental understanding of any or all of the aforementioned documents. Forgetting the words, in a public forum, to the Pledge of Allegiance, The National Anthem or The Lord's Prayer are worthy goals. Getting any of them mixed up with the other...even better.
4. BE ADAMANT REGARDING YOUR RECOLLECTION OF HISTORY...YOURS AND THE PLANET'S — You invented the Internet. Period. Make them prove you didn't. There was gunfire on the tarmac. You were there...you ought to know. How were you supposed to know all the members of your club were white? The photograph of you in the sheet and hood was a college prank.
5. SHOOT FOR YOUTUBE — Comments when you thought the mic was off are the best. Any other embarrassing unguarded moment that someone can photograph will work for you as well. Jokes that jeopardize your career, the next election, or your role in government, if recorded, are our favorites.
6. AFFAIRS — If you're going to be caught in bed with someone other than your spouse and you are a male (to paraphrase former Louisiana Governor, Edwin Edwards) make it a dead girl or a live boy. You know, something we can work with. Having an affair with someone of the same sex also works.
7. HYPOCRISY — Sanctimonious positions on immorality and ethics only work if you simultaneously engage in the very acts you're deploring. Newt Gingrich leading the charge to impeach Bill Clinton for his illicit affair while in the midst of one himself puts the former Speaker of the House in special company. Strive to join him.
8. BE PHYSICAL — Be fat. Wear a hideous hairpiece. Botox, plastic surgery...any noticeable tic or odd speech characteristic provides cheap jokes for us and best of all...they are at your expense. You know you're a loser...we'll make sure everyone else knows.
9. MAINTAIN AN IMAGE OF A HUMBLE, DOWN HOME, MAIN STREET AMERICAN — Be photographed in a hard hat, eating street food as Eyewitness News cameras catch you piling into the back of the limo with a four dollar latte.
10. WHAT WOULD BILL & HILLARY DO? Friends and supporters are expendable. There's lots of room under the bus. Get even...publicly. As the country song goes..."Jesus may love you, but I don't...God may forgive you but I won't."