I was convinced that Lebron James was coming to the Apple. I had worked behind the scenes to help sweeten the pot. I arranged for a lifetime of free meals at Sylvia’s restaurant in Harlem, and movie passes at the Magic Johnson Theaters. I always thought that Magic Johnson would’ve ...
Here at Imus in the Morning, we take our politicians' shortcomings very seriously. As such, we've come up with a list of ideals they should embody, or at least try to live down to.
Breaking News: Joy Behar Survives Obama Taping! Doctors, standing by as a precaution, said obsequious Obama adulator did not require CPR, only “heavy fanning” from time to time to get through Presidential appearance recorded yesterday for this morning’s “The View” telecast. Expected to require nothing more than bed rest; should be fine after the weekend.
let's get it onIran to Pay Citizens to ‘Get Busy’. Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says government will begin paying families to produce children. Each new Iranian will be worth $950 at birth – and $95 per year until age 18. Idea is to make enough of ‘em to challenge the West. Western world’s population approximately 1-billion-620-million. Iran’s population 74-million. Demographers advise: “Stop enriching uranium and start enriching K-Y jelly. Because the math just doesn’t work.”
South Carolina: A piece of metal thought to be space debris that washed up on a beach will be going on display in a museum. The 12-foot object is believed to be a piece of a rocket and will become a feature at the Coastal Discovery Museum right next to the interactive “Let’s Watch Paint Dry” exhibit.
Philadelphia: City Fire Department to take three fire companies out of service every day...due to the city’s budget woes. Fire Commissioner is calling the rotating closures “brownouts” and says they should save about $4-million. Expresses hope that “brownouts” won’t require dwellings in affected areas to become known as “briquettes.”
locked kids in motel bathroomFather-of-the-Year Honors Unlikely. 37-year-old Dallas, Texas dad, Alfred Santiago, found guilty of starving his kids and locking them in a Love Field area motel bathroom for months on end – an 11-year-girl, boys 10 and 5. Argued that he was only following his wife’s “parenting” directives in locking them away. Penalty not yet imposed – but neutering and spaying do come to mind.
Barney Frank’s Ferry Fuss. Openly gay House Banking Committee Chairman went ballistic when he demanded, and was denied, $1.00 senior discount on ferry fare to New York’s Fire Island. Got turned down because he didn’t have required Suffolk County Senior Citizen’s I.D. One dollar. Witness to drama noted, “If only he were as concerned about our money.”
oh pleaseWest Midlands, U.K. “Clucking Jesus.” Mitchell Grainger has photographed an image of Christ that has appeared in a feather pattern on the back of his pet chicken Gloria…complete with beard and crown of thorns. Need further proof, o’ ye of little faith? Gloria was the only chicken out of 20 that survived a “vicious” attack by a fox recently. “A miracle,” said Mitch, “Gloria wasn’t even touched.” …So why’d the chicken cross the road? Choir practice.
Chelsea Clinton’s multi-million-dollar wedding: Air-conditioned tents, $600,000. Flowers, $500,000. Food and booze, $155,000. Rehearsal dinner, $250,000. Not getting an invitation to an event whose guest list includes Terry McAuliffe, Ted Turner, Denise Rich and Barbra Streisand … priceless.
Things to be thankful for today. Number one: your name is not Mohammad Mostafaei. Because if it were, you would be the attorney representing alleged adulterer Sakineh Mohammadie Ashtiani, the Iranian woman under threat of execution by stoning, and you would be…“missing.” Further, your wife and your brother-in-law would have just been thrown into jail in Tehran. And while you appear to have vanished from the planet – we’re sure you’re really just fine.
“The View" host Behar remains under precautionary medical monitoring awaiting Barack Obama’s appearance on the program tomorrow. Producers say they just want to make sure Joy survives the experience…doesn’t have a “case of the vapors” or a stroke or a bladder embarrassment or something. Occasion will mark the first time a sitting U.S. president will have reduced himself to “daytime talk show guest celebrity” status.
Nissan recalls Cubes. Utterly weird mini SUV, that appears to have been designed by Cal-tech dropouts on acid, recalled after failing rear-end crash tests. Federal inspectors found more fuel spilled than standards allow when Cube’s back end gets plowed into by some adulterous idiot texting smoking hot cheating spouse. Suggested fix: Pull off roadway; take shower.
$400 per pound coffee tastes like crap. Due in no small part to the fact that its beans are harvested from the feces of Indonesian civets, a small cat-like mammal with an affinity for coffee berries. Indonesians follow civets around and …well… “retrieve the undigested beans,” then package and actually sell them to the psychotically gullible to brew coffee. As in New York City’s West Village. Where a cup of the crap – quite literally – is called “Kopi Luwak” and costs $30. Review? “Funky, earthy, with hints of mold.” Like a litter box.
Medical News: “Jon Stewart’s Face Sprouts Fur.” Daily Show host reveals he suffers from JSM, or “Japanese Snow Monkey” syndrome, in which face, especially lower jaw, inexplicably begins producing hair similar to that common in snow monkey species. Doctors worried Stewart “may begin grooming guests” if condition worsens. Career in jeopardy.
Your “White House 2010 Summer Recovery Tour.” How’s it goin’? We report, you decide. Late headlines: “Foreclosures Drive Home Ownership to Lowest Rate in Decade;” “Consumer Confidence Sinks to Lowest Point Since February;” “Fiscal Stimulus Fading;” and “Probability of Double-Dip Recession Better than 50 Percent.” Thank goodness it’s not a “Summer Relapse Tour.” That’d be bad.
Boy Scout Jamboree underway: An estimated 45-thousand Boy Scouts converge on camp site near Bowling Green, Virginia along with an equal number of men in raincoats. Ten-days of “pitching tents” planned as scouts observe organization’s one-hundredth anniversary.
“The View” host Behar placed under precautionary medical monitoring...after it’s revealed that Barack Obama will be a guest on the program Thursday. Producers say they just want to make sure Joy survives the experience, doesn’t have a “case of the vapors,” or a stroke, or a bladder embarrassment or something. Occasion will mark the first time a sitting U.S. president will have visited a daytime talk show.
No religion immune from You-Know-What. Cambodian Buddhist monk, Net Khai, 37, charged with making secret videos of hundreds – that’s right, hundreds – of women as they took part in a ritual in which they bathed, naked, in “holy water” at Khai’s temple. Buddah…not smiling.
20-year-old budding actor Nick Afanasiev has America’s longest tongue. Extraordinary organ is a mere 36/hundredths of an inch shorter than officially recognized world record. 20-year-old Southern Californian has had brief Nickelodeon appearance and says he hopes his tongue will help him further an acting career. Depending on film genre, Nick…definitely not out of the question.
Man Hassling Skateboarder Beaten With Skateboard. San Francisco police say 43-year-old man taunting and name-calling skateboarding teen in the city’s Mission District got beaten over the head, repeatedly, with the board when the kid decided he’d had enough. Victim had to be hospitalized. Skateboarder fled on weapon-of-choice and remains at large. Gnarly.
Federal biologists in Texas release dozens of endangered baby sea turtles into the Gulf of Mexico. Apparently decide that just stomping on the half-dollar sized creatures would be bad form. Turning them loose to contend with the BP oil spill – much more “sporting.” Hope is that the spill will be diminished by the time the hatchlings reach the fouled area. Hey, what could possibly go wrong?
Directional difficulties for Indonesia’s Muslims…praying to the wrong compass point! Country’s highest Islamic authority says its directive regarding the direction of Mecca actually had people facing Africa…and they need to shift about a half dozen clicks or so to the right. Head of Indonesian Ulema Council assures faithful that their prayers have not been wasted because they were facing the wrong way. Indonesia is a majority Muslim but officially secular and, clearly, “cartographically challenged” country.
Thermosphere Change Baffles Experts. A dramatic contraction of Earth’s thermosphere – the atmospheric layer that marks the boundary of space – has researchers at a loss. The thermosphere, which blocks ultraviolet radiation, goes through periods of contraction and expansion over time, but not to the current degree. Some in the scientific community suspect Global Warming theorists could be responsible…by spewing enormous amounts of hot air. Says one analyst, “When you pump that much bulls**t into the atmosphere…I don’t know. Needs more study.”
A Whale…A Bust. “A Whale,” the huge Taiwanese ship converted into an oil skimmer, "A Waste of Time." Officials had hoped “A Whale” would be able to collect 500,000 barrels of oil a day from the contaminated Gulf of Mexico. After weeks of tests, it’s skimmed about enough to fill a can of WD-40. Coast Guard Rear Admiral Paul Zunkunft says, “It may need a different type of spill; thick, heavy, concentrated oil to be effective.” Yeah, dammit. That’s what we need, Admiral, a better kind of spill! This one’s crummy.
Sam Kass“His honor, Sam Kass, White House chef.” No longer. It is now – by official appointment of Barack H. Obama, 44th President of the United States of America – Sam Kass, “Senior Policy Advisor for Healthy Food Initiatives.” Somebody has too much time on his hands. What’s next, presidential appointment of a “Senior Policy Advisor for Leisure ‘Precision Club-and-Little-White-Ball’ Sport”?
Springfield, Massachusetts: “One-armed Man Charged with Unarmed Robbery.” And yes, that’s the actual headline accompanying story of 28-year-old Manuel Hernandez who, police say, “single-handedly” grabbed and forced 58-year-old John Delaney to surrender his wallet containing $354. Victim reported the robbery, described the assailant who was quickly picked up. Not that many one-armed guys roaming around Springfield, Mass. with street name, “Lefty.”
Calgary, Canada Woman Strangles Daughter. And that’s bad because? Judge rules Muslim mom Aset Magomadova’s act of strangling “rebellious” 14-year-old with her Muslim headscarf calls for “non-custodial punishment,” not prison. Sentence? Three years probation. Defendant claimed daughter attacked her and that she had to strangle her in self-defense. Prosecution – (shock!) – will appeal.
En Dios Confiamos. One way to quickly spot a counterfeit U.S. $100 bill: When it’s printed in Spanish. Which is what police in Washington suburb of Manassas, Virginia say a man they arrested on a DUI had on him. Three phony hundreds bearing Spanish phrases along with the familiar face of “Benjui” Franklin. Suspect? 30-year-old Jose Portillo of Bealeton, Va. Do not look for Jose at the “MENSA excursion al campa”… “picnic,” that is.
Inmate ‘Trashed’ with Extreme Prejudice. 30-year-old Carlos Medina-Bailon, jailed on a drug charge in El Paso, Texas, escaped by hiding inside the prison’s trash pick-up truck. Corrections officials say he enjoyed about an hour’s freedom until the truck got to the landfill and dumped its load. And Carlos? Should’ve just done the time. He is now “one with the rest of the recyclables.” R.I.P. “Rest In… Pieces.”
Socialized Healthcare, North Korean style: Amnesty International says communist nation’s system is in such a shambles “doctors,” such as they are, sometimes perform amputations cold turkey – “anesthesia” consisting of four or five “medical assistants” holding down patients while damaged or otherwise defective limbs are removed. Oh, and procedures are, not infrequently, performed by candlelight. No power. U.S. system not there…yet.
“It’s the economy, stupid.” New Gallup Poll shows 64% of Americans point to some aspect of the economy as the leading difficulty facing the nation. The second leading difficulty is Joe Biden…who says nation’s got 3-million new jobs. Analysts: It appears very few of those new positions involve mathematicians landing jobs at the White House.
One method suggested for combating recession: Become “certifiable nutcase.” Lindsay Lohan is reported to be getting multiple “after jail” interview offers in the half-million-dollar neighborhood…while “Barefoot Bandit” Colton Harris-Moore’s story has already been optioned to a major Hollywood studio and “mom” has retained a big time entertainment attorney. Hey, it’s all good.
Did ancient man trigger global warming? Carnegie Institute researchers studying pollen records in lake sediment conclude prehistoric hunters killing off leaf-eating mammoths contributed to too much forest overgrowth that increasingly absorbed sunlight and caused climate’s temperatures to elevate. Whew! The findings are due to be published simultaneously in “Geophysical Research Letters” journal and “Mad Magazine.”
Toyota: Good news one day, not so good the next. Wednesday, government investigators said that many of car company’s “unintended acceleration” cases were, in fact, driver error. Next day, troubles with Toyota’s Matrix and Corolla are at issue. Engineers say some of those models may experience what they describe as “steering drift.” Company says it will fix, free of charge, “steering drift” on cars whose owners complain, and are still alive.
Food and Drug Administration recommending...that GlaxoSmithKline’s “Avandia” diabetes drug either be sold with additional warnings because of heart attack link…or be relabeled and marketed under new name: “Avoidia.”
Islamic Pakistan: Motto, “Land of the Pure.” Maybe not so much. Muslim nation, which has banned content on at least 17 websites to block blasphemous material, is reported to rank number one – the world’s leader – in online searches for pornography, according to Google. Pakistan’s punishment for anyone charged with blasphemy is death. Unknown what punishment, if any, awaits those who search web for, say, “donkey sex,” a search category Google reports Pakistan has led in per-person searches since 2004. Must really get lonely, at times, in ol’ Islamabad.
Walgreen’s backs off plan to sell over-the-counter genetic testing kit: FDA says kit could be interpreted as a “medical device”…and therefore sale could be a violation of law. Kit had been considered a significant advance, using a quick, simple saliva swab to enable purchasers to determine in the privacy of their own home through DNA results what horrendous inherited condition would, in six months, leave them deader than Elvis.
Thursday, July 29, 2010 
let's get it onIran to Pay Citizens to ‘Get Busy’. Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says government will begin paying families to produce children. Each new Iranian will be worth $950 at birth – and $95 per year until age 18. Idea is to make enough of ‘em to challenge the West. Western world’s population approximately 1-billion-620-million. Iran’s population 74-million. Demographers advise: “Stop enriching uranium and start enriching K-Y jelly. Because the math just doesn’t work.”
locked kids in motel bathroomFather-of-the-Year Honors Unlikely. 37-year-old Dallas, Texas dad, Alfred Santiago, found guilty of starving his kids and locking them in a Love Field area motel bathroom for months on end – an 11-year-girl, boys 10 and 5. Argued that he was only following his wife’s “parenting” directives in locking them away. Penalty not yet imposed – but neutering and spaying do come to mind. 
oh pleaseWest Midlands, U.K. “Clucking Jesus.” Mitchell Grainger has photographed an image of Christ that has appeared in a feather pattern on the back of his pet chicken Gloria…complete with beard and crown of thorns. Need further proof, o’ ye of little faith? Gloria was the only chicken out of 20 that survived a “vicious” attack by a fox recently. “A miracle,” said Mitch, “Gloria wasn’t even touched.” …So why’d the chicken cross the road? Choir practice. 
