6:06:06 a.m. – We begin the morning with the I-Man’s announcement that we will be premiering a new segment today, ‘PSYCHOS’ , featuring Dagen McDowell, Nat Candido, Arthur Aidala (In for regularly scheduled psycho Bo Dietl) and Deirdre. The concept is that each panelist will complain about something…and then Rant about it. When the Boss pitched the segment to Deirdre last night, her answer was… “But I don’t have anything to complain about.” What? No, really. WHAT? All she DOES is complain. Vaccines with Thimerasol, Processed Foods, Abortion…waking up in a wet bed…there are THOUSANDS of things that trip her trigger.
WE’LL WAIT FOR THE MOVIE…
6:09:18 a.m. – GREAT NEWS! Joe Beaver has been signed for ‘The American’, the 1-Day, 2 Million Dollar Rodeo, brainchild of Patrick Gotsch. The Eight Time World Champion, 2 Time Olympian, Beaver will be announcing the Roping Events. Wow. What an inspired choice. We wonder where Patrick got THAT idea? And why he waited until 5 DAYS BEFORE THE EVENT TO NAIL THE BOY DOWN? Who was he THINKING of to announce the Rodeo? Neil Patrick Harris?
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS. HE’D TURN “THE AMERICAN” INTO “THE GREEK”
6:21:14 a.m. – The I-Man got himself some Cannabis Oil. Before you think he’s going to start gorging on Ben n’ Jerry’s and stare at his thumbnail looking for the tiny universe, you’re wrong. At least about the Ben n’ Jerry’s. Apparently, studies show that a little of the oil under the tongue is very therapeutic in treating Prostate Cancer. And when smoked in a Bong, very therapeutic in making Lucinda Williams look amazing, and her records sound GREAT.
BEFORE CANNABIS OIL AFTER CANNABIS OIL
BEFORE CANNABIS OIL AFTER CANNABIS OIL
BEFORE CANNABIS OIL AFTER CANNABIS OIL
6:43:40 a.m. – Father Jonathan Morris is here, and the I-Man was late getting to the Good Father…which, Father Jonathan will, no doubt, take into consideration when he gets the call to come administer Last Rites. “Tell him I’m calling Bingo right now. I’ll be there in a couple hours...B 12… N 48…”
HE LOVETH HIS NEW PARISH
6:44:40 a.m. – Father has been placed in a Parish in The Bronx, near Arthur Avenue, which he is excited about for two reasons: He is fluent in Spanish, and LOVES Italian Food, both of which there is a plethora in his new neighborhood. His first order of business as the Head Honcho is to get a new boiler, as the one there in the Parish is facocht. (Yiddish for F#@ked) The I-Man is going to hook him up with Pete Morgan, the CEO of ‘Peerless Boilers’ to get him a ‘deal’. Pete is Catholic. I think there’s some complete and total lifetime absolution in it for him, if he coughs up a ‘Freebie’. Father Jonathan will make a special dispensation for Pete…he can eat Steak every Friday during Lent.
‘WHAT? IT’S OKAY. FATHER MORRIS SAID I’M ANEMIC’
7:04:08 a.m. – The I-Man mentions to Dr. Bill Evans look like little ‘Barbie’ Dolls. Dr. wants clarification, because he believes he looks more ‘Ken’ Doll than Barbie, which…is a distinction without a difference. Neither Barbie NOR Ken…have junk.
“IT’S NOT THAT I WOULDN’T LOVE TO…BUT I DON’T HAVE A VAGINA.”
“HEY, ME NEITHER!”
7:06:12 a.m. – “Holy S#!@! Is the I-Man talking about Richard Price…AGAIN?” Uh…yep.
7:11:26 a.m. – “Oh my God, he’s STILL talking about him.” We want to KILL Richard Price. It’s his fault we have to endure this torture. Okay, not kill. But we hope he gets a Kidney Stone the size of a softball. We want his junk to look like a Boa Constrictor that swallowed a canned ham.
THAT’S GONNA HURT
7:18:36 a.m. – Ashley Webster reports that the money the Tooth Fairy leaves on your child’s pillow is now an average of 4 dollars and 36 cents a tooth. Although, in the South you can get about 5 dollars and 17 cents. That’s because seeing teeth in the South is such a rarity. In England, Ashley’s homeland, the Tooth Fairy doesn’t leave anything. She died of exhaustion back in the 40’s.
“I PUT IN 70 HOURS OF OVERTIME IN ALABAMA ALONE!”
7:31:44 a.m. – ‘PSYCHOS’ debuts. And, it turns out, it’s VERY aptly named. Dagen begins by ranting about…wait for it…Dog Poop. Specifically, the Dog Owners who don’t pick up after their Dachshund drops a deuce. She maintains that, in the winter, it’s especially egregious, as you can clearly see the doody in the snow…which, we would think, is a plus…so you can avoid stepping in it. It’s a lot better than having it hiding in the grass when you’re wearing a pair of flip flops in the summer. She threatens that, the next time she sees a dog owner make such an infraction, she will follow him back to his apartment with Nat, and have Mr. Candido take a dump in the living room.
LOOKS LIKE DOG POOP, SMELLS LIKE DOG POOP, TASTES LIKE DOG POOP…GOOD THING WE DIDN’T STEP IN IT.
JESUS, NAT! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EAT? EVERYBODY! GET OUT OF THE WATER! THE BEACH IS CLOSED!
7:33:32 a.m. – Arthur Aidala’s beef is that 325 Million people in America, so how come we have to choose between another Clinton and another Bush? Arthur…there are about 80 different colors of M&Ms at the M&M store. All of them have the same s@#% inside. To quote one of the aforementioned Clintons… ‘What Difference Does It Make?’ To quote one of the aforementioned Bush’s… ‘I don’t like M&Ms…they’re too tough to peel.’
ARTHUR…THEY HAVE 50 SHADES OF GREY
7:34:23 a.m. – Deirdre’s pet peeve is…shock of shocks… VACCINATIONS.
7:37:14 a.m. – …still ranting…
7:34:23 a.m. – …she’s like the Energizer Bunny…where’s Imus with his Richard Price rant when you need it?
7:41:09 a.m. – …FINALLY. She’s done…and we all need shots now. Of Jack Daniels. And injections of Sodium thiopental, pancuronium bromide, and potassium chloride. You probably don’t know, but many people have died after being vaccinated with that stuff. It’s what they use on Death Row.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? VACCINATING ME? I DON’T WANT TO BE VACCINATED! VACCINES ARE BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH!”
7:43:22 a.m. – Nat takes exception with people who ride public transportation with him to work. They don’t exhibit proper ‘Bus Etiquette’. They put their seats back too far so they’re in his lap, they yap mindlessly on their cell phones, and they play their iPods so loud he can hear their s#!tty music. We believe his fellow passengers must have a similar beef with him…as we are sure him taking a dump on his seat isn’t all that pleasant either. Especially when it’s right before the bus goes through the Lincoln Tunnel.
MAYBE NAT SHOULD TAKE ANOTHER BUS TO WORK
8:03:10 a.m. – Dr. Bill chimes in, once again, and mentions that he ALWAYS picks up after his dog, even on ridiculously cold days…as they are little, hard, tootsie roll bricks. Thereby, making them easier to throw at cars that honk at him.
SOMETIMES, DR. BILL GETS A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY
8:16:32 a.m. – Warner reports on a Major League Baseball Player changing his name to break a slump. B.J. Upton, (The B.J. represents BossMan Junior) outfielder for the Atlanta Braves, is now going with his birth name…Melvin Upton Junior. We can see why he went with the B.J. in the first place, despite its’ porn actor stigma. This reminds us of our old friend ‘Seymour Butz’, changing his name to ‘I.C. Yoorass.’
WE TYPED ‘BJ’ INTO GOOGLE. IT TOOK A LONG TIME UNTIL WE CAME UPON THIS IMAGE.
8:35:00 a.m – K.T. McFarland is on the phone, talking about ISIS, and the President trying to make a nuclear peace deal with Iran, as there is great fear there will be Nukes in the Middle East, which will turn them from being oil exporters to glass makers.
WELL, ONE THING’S FOR SURE…IT WOULD TAKE CARE OF THE ISIS PROBLEM ONCE AND FOR ALL
8:39:00 a.m –The I-Man asks Ms. McFarland, who served as an advisor in the Nixon, Ford and Reagan administrations, which of them ‘hit’ on her more? She demurs. She leaves it up to us to guess. We’re gonna go with the Nixon administration… we think he was called ‘Tricky Dick’ for a reason. And not because he could twist it into balloon animals.
THEIR ‘ELMO’ WAS RATHER DISTURBING
VIDEO OF THE DAY
TO CELEBRATE ‘PSYCHOS’, THE NEWEST SEGMENT ON THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM,
PETER GRIFFIN FROM ‘FAMILY GUY’
‘WHAT REALLY GRINDS HIS GEARS’