6:05:00 a.m. – Dagen is not here this morning…she texted Connell this morning at 5:15 a.m., informing him that she, apparently, ran into a cabinet door. At least that’s the story she’s going with. We, however, surmise that her husband, Rollo, is somehow involved, and that there was some confusion over the changing of the ‘safe’ word.
6:06:11 a.m. – There is more bad news. Sadly, the GREAT Elmore Leonard passed away yesterday at the age of 87, from complications after a stroke. There are few fiction writers as prolific or as skilled as ‘Dutch’. Charles Dickens was an illiterate Douche Nozzle compared to Elmore.
OCTOBER 11, 1925 – AUGUST 20, 2013
6:11:56 a.m. – The I-Man wants sponsors to know that, if you offer a ‘Money Back Guarantee’, you better give up the money, Sonny. There are some businesses, however, that do not offer this particular promise. Like…your Coke dealer, for example.
UNFORTUNATELY, THEY DON’T SUBSCRIBE TO THIS POLICY AT THE ESCORT SERVICE
6:22:12 a.m. – Joe Tacopina has turned down our request to be on the program. Apparently, he was offended when he was cancelled the last time he was scheduled, and, according to the I-Man, is ‘In a snit’. We would sue him but…we would need him to represent us in the suit. Which would technically be what you would call a ‘Conflict of Interest’.
LOOK AT THOSE EYES. THIS IS NOT A MAN WHO YOU WANT TO BE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF
6:29:12 a.m. – In the Lindsay Lohan / Oprah Winfrey Interview, The Big O asks if Lindsay’s behavior was ‘A Cry For Help.’ Which causes the I-Man to wonder, “Why don’t these people just cry…Help?”
JUST WHAT, EXACTLY, IS LINDSAY LOHAN TRYING TO SAY HERE?
6:40:34 a.m. – Stuart Varney is on, which is always good for a few laughs, in that, you can usually count on the stuffy Brit to lose his mind over something or other. This week, it was a College Tour he took over the weekend, which caused him to rail about the practice of ‘Cocooning’ our children, keeping them from going out into the real world to make contributions to society. Um…has he been with any College Age kids lately? Obviously not…as these are the LAST people you’d want to trust out in the real world…the best contribution they can make is to STAY IN SCHOOL.
7:06:45 a.m. – Imus is still hurt by the Tacopina snubbing. Joe is a client of the I-Man’s…as well as Wyatt’s, as he was the attorney who represented the young lad in the legendary ‘Ritzy Canine’ case…in which, he was able to shutter the doors of a Pet Boarding Business for losing the Wy-Man’s beloved pooch, Lucinda. Imus muses that, in representing A-Rod, “It seems appropriate he’s repping another Mutt.” Touche’.
7:40:22 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde…or as we like to call it, ‘IQ Point Suction Time’. Deirdre draws attention to the photo on the Imus website of the two horses that she took with her iPhone. It’s a great shot of two ‘studs’ who are playing. She says that the I-Man is jealous…and, at first, we think she’s referring to the size of the …um… ‘Equine Erection’ on the horse on the left. Jesus, you could actually throw a saddle on that thing. But she just means the photograph itself. Somehow, she was able to capture a shot that the I-Man has been unable to get in all the years they’ve been out at the Ranch. We, however, are SURE that if The Boss was equally endowed…he’d have taken an iPhone photo of THAT.
WALK PROUDLY, FLICKA
(ALTHOUGH WE WONDER HOW YOU’RE ABLE TO WALK AT ALL)
7:53:37 a.m. – The I-Man recommends his plastic surgeon, Dr. Lloyd Hoffman, to Dagen, to take care of her ‘Cabinet’ injury. Dr. Hoffman is an Orthodox Jew, who, obviously, seeing as how the I-Man is a patient…is capable of performing…miracles. Only thing is, Dagen better get there before sundown on Friday.
A LITTLE NIP, A LITTLE TUCK…AND A SHMEAR. WE HOPE DR. HOFFMAN DOES NOT GET CONFUSED, AND GIVE DAGEN A ‘BRIS’
8:08:40 a.m. – Here’s how bad things are in Syria: It’s actually an improvement to go to Iraqi Kurdistan. Imus, observing the Refugees fleeing their country’s civil war is inspired to muse: “Those Syrians look like they have some pretty nice luggage.”
8:18:40 a.m. – This morning, Connell is wearing a myriad of hats. Due to Dagen McDowell’s absence, and Dr. Bill’s vacation, Mr. McShane is performing his usual News Anchoring duties as well as providing us with the Business News AND weather reports. He’s the Fox Business version of that Dude from the old Ed Sullivan show who used to spin the plates.
CUE THE ‘SABRE DANCE’ MUSIC
8:29:40 a.m. – We’ve had all morning to think about it, and now we’re starting to suspect something strange is going on at Fox Business…last week it was Stuart Varney’s “Chipped Tooth” incident…this week, it was Dagen’s run in with the cabinet. All we need now is for Neil Cavuto to sprain an ankle…and we’d be convinced that Melissa Francis is attempting to elevate her status somewhat…unconventionally.
MELISSA IN THE LIBRARY…WITH THE CANDLESTICK
9:06:44 a.m. – The I-Man offers some advice to Mayoral Candidate John Liu, in his best Richard Pryor, ‘Mudbone’ voice… “Boy…a man…who sent pictures of his DICK…to people…is beating you! And he sent them to a girl…who looked like Kevin James! You got to give up!”
“CONFUCIOUS SAY, “MAN WHO TAKE PICTURE OF DICK…IS TOO COCKY”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
A CELEBRATION OF THE GENIUS THAT WAS
ELMORE LEONARD’S RULES FOR WRITING
A CLIP FROM ‘GET SHORTY’
TRAILER FOR ‘3:10 TO YUMA’
A CLIP FROM ‘OUT OF SIGHT’
MIKE LUPICA’S REMEMBRANCE