6:03:12 A.M. – Today we don’t have ‘The McKay’ way, our regular traffic report, instead we have Chris Babbler…who lives up to his name by going on and on and on and won’t shut the f#ck up about the Major Deegan Expressway. Put a sock in it, Gridlock Boy. It’s Rush Hour. There’s traffic. WE GET IT.
“THERE’S CONSTRUCTION ON THE PARKWAY!”
6:08:56 A.M. – The I-Man weighs in on the tragedy in South Carolina and asks the rhetorical question “Where’s God?” when these things happen. The powerful and reflective moment is shattered when he gets the idea to talk to someone from the clergy and asks Bernie, “Where’s that little Squirrel we used to talk to?” He’s referring to Father Jonathan Morris and not Bullwinkle’s flying rodent sidekick, Rocky.
“HEY FATHER! WATCH ME PULL A RABBIT OUT OF MY HAT!”
6:15:44 A.M. – It only took four days, but…the choke chain is officially off. When commenting on the status of the ratings on Fox Business, (Or, lack thereof…because they suggest that not even the people in the control room are watching now that our program is no longer broadcast there) The Boss goes after Stuart Varney calling him a ‘skunk’. (Apparently, Imus is an Anthropomorphic Animal Mode this morning) He also calls Varney “An abusive prick”. Which, in our eyes, changes his status from ‘skunk’ to ‘porcupine’.
RODENTIA HYSTEWPAMORPHA VARNICHAE
6:40:27 A.M. – Juan Williams and the I-Man get into a debate about the viability of Donald Trump as a presidential candidate. At first Juan thinks that The Boss is joking, and then realizes that he’s serious as a collapsed lung. Imus makes his case by saying he wants to see Trump “Bitch slap a bunch of bitches”, which sounds redundant, but actually is not, as the second ‘Bitch’ is actually a euphemism for the other candidates. We agree. We would love to see The Donald go all UFC in a steel cage octagon and give the ‘Arm Bar’ to Jeb Bush.
THE BELL RANG, AND WITHIN SECONDS, JEB BUSH WAS ON THE MAT
…AND THEN TRUMP BIT OFF HIS TESTICLES…
7:15:37 A.M. – Imus tells the listening audience about the email he sent his On-Air Staff in which, he pointed out that Bernie and Lou are ‘Perfect’ and the rest of us, are not. They can’t do anything to get fired…but we, however…shouldn’t take any long magazine subscriptions. We would have to agree with him about ‘Lou’ being perfect, or at least appearing so, because any infractions he might commit go ‘Under the Radar’ as most things he does do, because of his diminutive size. Bernard, on the other hand, doesn’t walk on water. He just happened to be standing in the puddle underneath the I-Man’s chair one morning.
THIS ISN’T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. SOMEBODY JUST TOLD HIM WHERE THE ROCKS WERE
7:22:44 A.M. – Warner reports that the Dallas Cowboy owner, Jerry Jones is going to put the ‘Franchise’ tag on his star receiver, Dez Bryant, which prompts the I-Man to do his legendary ‘Jerry Jones’ impression, which sounds suspiciously like the head of the Augusta National Golf Club and any old southern man other than Colonel Sanders, (but only because he doesn’t do a very good ‘Darrell Hammond’). It’s not long until we get to hear ‘Jerry’s catchphrase… ‘Titty Bar’. Followed by a torrent of ‘Titties’…in fact, he says ‘Titty’ so many times, you’d assume that he’s a Shriner with Tourette’s at a strip club…oh…we’re sorry. ‘Titty Bar’.
JERRY’S FAVORITE CANDY BAR
7:30:06 A.M. – Coming up will be ‘Psychos’ with Alan Colmes, Bernard McGuirk, Deirdre Imus and Gunz Gunzelman whose birthday it happens to be today. Gunz is 28. (But he reads at a 4 year old level.) And, along with ‘Pope Francis’, are the only Virgins in the room.
“YO, HOLY FATHER! WADDYA SAY WE HIT THE CLUB FOR SOME BALLIN’?”
7:43:16 A.M. – Deirdre and Alan Colmes, (Well actually just Deirdre, as Alan couldn’t get a word in edgewise due to her dominating the situation like Ronda Rousey beating on Clay Aiken) take over the segment, arguing about Donald Trump versus Hillary Clinton. Deirdre accuses Alan of being a phony, multiple times, while Alan, to his credit, resists the urge to call his Rabbi to see if Jews can perform exorcisms.
“YOU KNOW, WE JEWS DON’T BELIEVE IN SATAN, BUT I’M SURE HE’S IN THERE. COME OUT, DEMON! LEAVE THIS POOR WOMAN ALONE!”
8:07:34 A.M. – Neil Cavuto calls in to discuss the untimely death of Wall Street Legend, Vice Chairman of JP Morgan Chase, Jimmy Lee. The conversation starts off pleasantly enough, but as you could easily predict, it degenerates into schoolyard name calling, and ends with Mr. Cavuto suggesting to just “Go drown.” Hurtful words. Brought about, no doubt out of the jealousy over the aforementioned lack of ratings for Fox Business in the Morning since My 29th, the day the Imus in the Morning Program left their airwaves. We have a suggestion for a way Neil could get the Bartiromo program some more viewers…by showing a simulcast of it on his forehead in the middle of Times Square.
ONE OF THE 7 WONDERS OF THE MODERN WORLD
8:39:43 A.M. – Leif Babin, longtime favorite of the program, former NAVY SEAL and now the head of ‘Echelon Front’ a company he founded with his partner Jocko Willink, that advises companies on how to apply NAVY SEAL training techniques to inspire, motivate and create high performance teams in a multitude of business situations. We don’t know what they do when they ‘Invade’ a company, but just looking at these two scary sides of beef make us stand up a little straighter…and return the office supplies we stole.
NEED THESE GUYS
THEY GAVE US A FEW IDEAS ABOUT EFFECTIVE ‘TEAM BUILDING’
…AND THEN JOCKO BIT OFF OUR TESTICLES
VIDEO OF THE DAY
The ‘True Facts’ Video Series
They don’t have squirrels or skunks or even porcupines just yet on the ‘True Facts’ series, but, it won’t be long until the I-Man will be calling people
‘Two-Toed Sloths’, ‘Mole Rats’ and ‘Dung Beetles’
(Only because they all look like people we know)