6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man’s back hurts so bad, it’s actually making him sick. Which is somewhat ironic, because his beginning the program with a complaint is making US sick. He’s actually thinking of having a Doctor to look at it. Which will make HIM sick. Unless it’s Dr. Aaron Katz, the I-Man’s urologist. Who has seen EVERYTHING.
WE APOLOGIZE IF THIS PHOTO…MAKES YOU SICK
6:17:34 a.m. – Vinnie Andrews calls the I-Man and says “I can get you some of that ‘Ali-Baba’ stuff. In the old days, that call would’ve come from somebody else, and it would have been about some special kind of… ‘stuff’, from someone he would have to meet on a street corner at 3:30 in the morning. Who would inevitably be an hour late. Andrews says it’s a hot stock, some kind of Chinese ‘Amazon’ deal. Deirdre, however, must sign the order as well, and demands to know what it is. At that time, the Boss didn’t know what Ali-Baba was, and so he told Deirdre that it was “Some kind of product that makes babies become vegetarians.” Deirdre has her own method to make adults become vegetarians: Nag the beast until it succumbs, and then starve it until it will be willing to eat Tofu.
6:20:40 a.m. – Connell reads a story about ISIS death threats against the Pope. Yes. THAT Pope. While Connell reports this horrifying development, the I-Man is otherwise occupied with more pressing issues: Finding out the caloric values of the things he puts in his Starbucks Oatmeal. Nuts, Brown Sugar, Dried Fruit…together, they add 250 calories to his morning Gruel, which, unadulterated, is 140. Good thing Carley’s urine has ZERO calories.
THAT PEE IS A LITTLE ‘BRIGHT’. CARLEY NEEDS TO DRINK MORE WATER.
6:40:10a.m. – Father Jonathan Morris, Spiritual Advisor to the Program, is on to promote his book: The Way of Serenity which is a guide to life using St. Francis’ Serenity Prayer: ‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.’ We always thought ‘Serenity’ was the name of one of the ‘Exotic Dancers’ at the Hustler Club. We too, say a prayer every morning before we enter the studio: ‘Yay though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death, I fear no evil.’ We call it ‘St. Imus Prayer’.
APPARENTLY, THE FATHER HAD SOME HELP WRITING THE BOOK
7:09:18 a.m. – Warner reports that Mike Francesa, the ‘Sports Pope’ received a letter from CBS, the network that owns WFAN, the station upon which his show is broadcast, threatening to sue him for complaining about Fox Sports 1 & 2. He has whined incessantly about Fox for pre-empting his show for, in his view, insignificant sporting events such as NASCAR, Soccer and UFC. CBS denies the existence of this letter, while Francesa insists that he can produce the document. Not that we are suggesting that the letter was forged by Mr. Francesa, but the words ‘Sports’, ‘pre-empt’, and ‘UFC’ were all misspelled.
“I R THE BIGGEST SPROTS REPORTIR IN THE WERLD”
7:41:24 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE Which begins with a heated debate about our nation being a ‘Godless Society’. We ourselves are doubting the existence of a Supreme Being, as surely, a merciful God would not subject us to two ladies shrieking at each other over the topic of Prayer in Schools. Deirdre maintains that there was Prayer in Public Schools until 1963. Which was the year The Beatles became known by America. We blame John, Paul and George for replacing St. John, St. Paul and St. George in schoolchildren’s lives. Of course, there was no St. Ringo, but we think he had something to do with the reduction of numbers in Hebrew School. We begin praying ourselves. That the hellish sound of the shrieking harpies will stop.
FURTHER PROOF THAT THERE IS NO GOD
7:48:01 a.m. – Nat Candido has been telling everybody that he’s a ‘D List’ Celebrity, and uses that cred to get dates on Match.com. The ever-helpful Boss attempts to set him up with Lis Wiehl. Who isn’t interested in a ‘Mrs. Robinson’ kind of deal, given that there is 68 years difference between herself and 32 year old Mr. Candido. Of course, his hairy back doesn’t help. Nat is a hirsute young man. Think a Grizzly Bear with a shaved head, who, when takes a shower, pulls enough fur out of the drain to knit an angora sweater.
LIS & NAT ON THEIR FIRST DATE. IT DIDN’T END WELL. (ARTIST’S RENDERING)
8:06:32 a.m. – Imus relates that he was on the phone with Kinky, and had to get off to tend to something more important, and told the Kinkster that he would call him back. He never did. Which is an unusual situation, as the I-Man is nothing but impeccable in keeping his word. Although, given his level of self-absorption, not calling Kinky back is certainly understandable. In fact, we believe the boy is still on the phone, talking about himself.
KINKY, IN A PHONE BOOTH THAT HE MISTOOK FOR A SLOT MACHINE, STILL ON THE PHONE, UNAWARE THE I-MAN HUNG UP
8:15:30 a.m. – The I-Man receives an E-Mail from Neil Cavuto, and, although he likes Neil, maintains that he’s ‘Half a Diva’. Connell finds this amusing. “He’s a Diva?” McShane cynically asks, implying that the Boss is, himself, a Diva. An implication from which you could infer that Imus’ incessant obsession with his hair, his constant medical updates, his Mani-Pedi appointments and custom-made Joseph Abboud Jackets would qualify him as such. That couldn’t be further from the truth. The Merriam Webster definition of the word ‘Diva’ is “A famous and successful woman who is very attractive and fashionable; especially : an attractive and successful female performer or celebrity” C’mon. The I-Man isn’t exactly what you would call ‘attractive’.
A HIDEOUSLY DISFIGURED MAN WHO HAUNTS PEOPLE…AND THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA
8:38:14 a.m. – The Reverend Jonathan Mason is on to talk about ‘Camp New Joy’, his charity, which will focus on “Providing ‘At Risk’ minority youth an ‘Out of Environment’ experience’” with a mission to change lives. It’s like The Imus Ranch for Kids With Cancer, except you can eat bacon.
9:05:00 a.m. – Normally, the I-Man would be in the car by now, listening to Bernie and Connell and Dagen run the show. He says they’re actually pretty good. Which makes us suspicious that he’s drinking again. Listening to them and Warner trying to keep the party going has the same effect as putting sand in your KY Jelly.
FOR ‘SMOOTH SAILING’
9:06:12 a.m. – A story that has been reported all morning concerns the late, great, Joan Rivers. Apparently, there is a ‘Selfie’ photo that her Doctor took with her WHILE SHE WAS UNDER ANAESTHESIA! We would never do that if it was the I-Man who was being operated on.
FOR THE OTHER SELFIE THEY PUT HER FINGERS INTO A ‘PEACE SIGN’
BUT TRUST US…YOU’D NEVER SEE THIS…OKAY, MAYBE YOU WOULD…IF IT WASN’T A LIFE THREATENING SURGERY
VIDEO OF THE DAY
Burt Reynolds Finally Accepting God Into His Life
(Quite Frankly, We’re Surprised His Hair Stayed On In The Water)