6:05:00 a.m. – Imus makes the observation that Bill O’Reilly reads his emails on the air, as if they were spontaneous… They are NOT. They are carefully chosen, but when he reads the bad emails he yells and points at the screen…the suckups, he gladly reads, agrees with them, and makes kissyface yummy sounds...which, for the majority of the mouthbreathing, massive headwound viewers in his audience, comes across as completely extemporaneous…in a totally pre-recorded way.
“LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING…DON…I KNOW JESUS…JESUS IS A FRIEND OF MINE…AND YOU, YOU MORON…ARE NO JESUS!”
6:09:56 a.m. – Warner, Lou and the I-Man discuss Mike Francesa’s interview with Alex Rodriguez yesterday, on WFAN Radio and the YES television network…and, from their perspective, it appears that the two are at one of those ‘Speed Dating’ events. Francesa does everything except massage A-Rod’s shoulders. We haven’t seen this kind of overt wooing since Larry Craig tapped his foot in the airport men’s room. Francesa’s idea of a hard hitting question? “Can I get you some more coffee, Mr. Rodriguez?”
YOU HAVE TO ADMIT…THEY DO MAKE A CUTE COUPLE
6:20:12 a.m. – The Boss reads that Burger King is expanding their empire to India. “Hold the pickle…hold the lettuce…hold the burger, it upsets us…” They’re going to have to sell an awful lot of Fries and Condiment sandwiches…although, the overhead is low…without having to buy beef patties…and the rent in Calcutta is about three bucks a month.
VISHNU? NOT MUCH. WHAT’S VISHNU WITH YOU?
6:40:34 a.m. – Warner reads an A-Rod quote… ‘This is effing bull ship!’ Whoa…easy there, Bad Grandpa. First it’s ‘Pink Vagina’, now ol’ Poppa Sports Smurf has developed quite a potty mouth. It’s either Tourette’s or Senility…we’ll know for sure if Warner goes for that tongue piercing he keeps talking about.
ITS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME…
6:40:34 a.m. – Stuart Varney complains about his iPhone 5…in that he can’t text on it. White People’s problems. We wonder if it’s just ‘texting’…maybe he’s having problems with the camera…you know…it might just be difficult for him to take pictures with one hand.
MAYBE IT’S A GOOD THING STUART CAN’T ‘TEXT’
7:03:06 a.m. – Dr. Bill wants to get Imus’ email address so his friends can contact the program…I-Man responds… ‘www.divorceproceedings.com’. It’s an inside joke…but from Dr. Bill’s reaction…it’s pretty clear that the message has been delivered. Loud n’ Clear.
“SO…WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY I NEED TO
‘HAVE MY JUDGE GEAR HANDY’?”
7:13:26 a.m. – I-Man takes a page out of O’Reilly’s book and decides to read emails on the air. One viewer would like to know what Imus’ relationship is to Janet Reno. Apparently, this person believes that there may be some kind of genetic tie…identical twins, perhaps?
SEPARATED AT BIRTH? WE SEE NO RESEMBLANCE WHATSOEV…
WAIT A MINUTE…
7:17:34 a.m. – Imus laments the cost of today’s cocaine. Congressman Trey Radel paid $250 for 3.5 grams. Imus, 27 years ago, paid $150 per gram. We wonder what self-respecting drug dealer would want to take advantage of such a lovable, trusting, individual?
BACK IN THE DAY WHEN IMUS WAS DOING COKE, HE USED TO SPELL OUT ‘ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM’
7:40:22 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting. Deirdre doesn’t consider Adam Levine ‘The Sexiest Man Alive’. Probably because she thinks Buddy Ebsen was the ‘Sexiest Man Alive’.
ANOTHER MILLIOAIRE IN A STUPID HAT
8:05:10 a.m. – Happy Birthday to Leslie Slender. Leslie turned 25 today. Which is quite a surprise to her 26 year old daughter.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TO THE WARM N’ TENDER, LESLIE SLENDER. WE HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR ‘PRESENT’
8:17:37 a.m. – Imus reads the Chamonix ‘Eye Bag Cream’ spot for the 10 thousandth time, and wonders why he’s still reading the same testimonial letter from ‘Susan’. “Is this the only letter they received?” We find that hard to believe, but we hope he continues to read Susan’s Epistolary testimony, because we like how the Boss mentions that, although the Eye Cream works…she still has a big, fat ass. And needs some ‘Big Butt Balm’. At least the first 9 thousand 9 hundred and 99 times he did it.
ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT NOT WORK ON THE ‘DERRIERE’, WE SURE WOULD LIKE TO WATCH SUSAN SMEAR SOME OF THIS ON HER BIG OL’ BUTT
8:25:50 a.m. – Imus revisits the Carley/Dagen Obsession with Adam Levine, as he observes that neither of the men in their lives resemble the Maroon 5 frontman/Sexiest Man Alive. Carley’s boyfriend, Pete, is built like…well, a Michigan Linebacker. And Dagen’s hubby, Rollo…well, he resembles one of the guys from the ‘Revenge of the Nerds’ movies. Imus asks Dagen what she thinks of Pete, and Dagen, although she believes Carley’s betrothed to be somewhat handsome, she’s ‘Not gonna horn on her fiancée.’ We will, however, be buying Rollo a Michigan Knit Ski Cap. Just so she can…pretend.
ADAM LEVINE MAKES HIS FEELINGS KNOWN ABOUT BOTH PETE AND ROLLO
8:38:16 a.m. – James Carville is on to discuss Obamacare. We are big fans of ‘The Ragin’ Cajun’, and agree with Imus that he is one of the most loyal, supportive, stand up guys ever. He was one of the only ones who did not forsake the I-Man after his appearance at the White House Correspondence dinner, where Imus took a shower in his tuxedo…while at the podium…for the crickets.
“UM…LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE I-MAN ANYWAY!”
9:06:44 a.m. – Breaking News: I-Man reports that Van Morrison doesn’t want to perform on the program…and he doesn’t want to talk on the air to him either. This is the man whose last album was titled, ‘Born to Sing, No Plan B’. So…what’s Plan C? Have lunch at the Blarney Stone with the Boss and bitch about Blind People?
“HEY…YOU! STEVIE WONDER! DON’T BE KNOCKING OVER THE SPICY MUSTARD! I’LL TAKE YOUR CANE AND BEAT YOU AND YOUR BLOODY DOG WITH IT!”
9:06:44 a.m. – Connell reads a story about people who eat nuts on a daily basis living longer, and being less likely to get Cancer in their lifetime. Deirdre promptly texts the I-Man: “I’m eating nuts right now.” Wow. They really get the mail early over there.
“I HAVE A…SPECIAL DELIVERY FOR YOU, MRS. IMUS. ARE THOSE CASHEWS YOU’RE EATING…OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
D.J. ‘NO SPIN’ - BILL O’REILLY.
THE ‘DUBSTEP’ REMIX