6:05:10 a.m. – Dagen reports that, yesterday, there thousands of ADULT MEN, a “Goulash of Losers”, caged up, all the way down 50th Street from Radio City to Rockefeller Plaza, waiting on line for admission bracelets for tonight’s NFL Draft. Yes. You heard right. Grown men, waiting for hours, to get a ticket to watch NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announce some College Football Player’s name. Not exactly backstage passes for a Springsteen, Billy Joel and David Bowie concert.
INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, BOTH THESE GUYS COULD ALSO BE FOUND AT THE STAR TREK CONVENTION DRESSED AS KLINGON STEELER FANS
6:07:14 a.m. – Rob was late again this morning, this time he woke up in time, he was just held up in traffic. Well, Rob wasn’t actually ‘Robbed’, he was delayed because some moron didn’t know how to drive in the rain and caused an accident on the onramp to the Long Island Expressway, that had traffic backed up to…England.
“I DARE SAY SOME DULL CHAP ON LONG ISLAND MUST’VE CAUSED THIS SNAFU. I’D BETTER RING THE MISSUS AND TELL HER I’LL BE LATE FOR TEA AGAIN.”
6:21:24 a.m – Warner predicts that ‘Javadeon’ Clowney will be the first draft, and will be playing for the Houston Texans. It’s Jadaveon. But we understand that kind of mispronunciation. But then he says that ‘Javadeon’ has already signed an endorsement deal with “Pee-yuma”. Which, we believe, is the smellier version of the athletic shoe company ‘Puma’.
THESE SHOES…REEK OF…WELL, POO. WHICH IS WHY THEY CALL THEM ‘POO-MAS’
6:23:07 a.m. – Imus says that, originally, the guest in the 8 O’Clock Hour was going to be Lanny Davis, the professional apologist. They were, ostensibly going to talk about the Monica Lewinsky affair, although the I-Man said that when Mr. Davis asked what the topic of discussion would be, he told him it would be “The Proper Way to Construct Model Airplanes”, Gardening, and Quantum Theory. Unfortunately, Lanny will NOT be appearing on the program this morning, as, he sniffed too much glue last night preparing the Model Airplane questions.
LANNY DAVIS. HE’S GOT A PROBLEM NOW.
6:35:07 a.m. – Colonel Bill Cowan is on, live from Washington D.C., looking very Sean Connery with his black turtleneck and white beard. He actually looks COOLER than Sean Connery, which is not an easy task for an ordinary human to do, although Colonel Cowan is not your ordinary human.
COWAN AND CONNERY. COOL TO THE SECOND POWER
6:55:08 a.m. – The I-Man has a bandage on his cheek. He says he was attacked and had to fight off six guys. Which means he ran out of breath trying to run away. It actually looks like he might have cut himself shaving, but we think the real deal is that Deirdre ‘Edie Brickelled’ him. We just hope they don’t write a song about it.
HE SAYS HE “TRIPPED” ON HIS “OXYGEN HOSE” AND HIT HIS FACE ON THE “TANK”
7:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man starts the top of the hour with the almost rhetorical question, “How much drama do you think is in Dwight Yoakum’s life?” He’s going to be playing a Dwight song that the Boss believes might be ‘Autobiographical’. If the song he’s going to play is the one with the Giraffes taking a shower in the waterfall…we’d say that’s quite a bit of drama. If it weren’t for the fact that we’re relatively sure Dwight doesn’t shower.
7:17:24 a.m – “When you think of ugly people, you think of CNN”…this could very well be the I-Man ‘Line of the Day’. It’s funny…because it’s so true.
AT CNN, NOT JUST THE CAMPAIGN TURNED UGLY
7:39:34 a.m. – It is a very contentious ‘Mensa Meeting’ this morning, with most of the friction occurring between Deirdre and Alan Colmes (What else is new?). The question was posed, “Would you have sex with a robot?” We already know what Gunz’ answer will be. He would hose warm mud if you held it in your hand. He reveals that some of his girlfriends, actually check their Facebook pages during sex. And a couple have been on the phone. To old boyfriends. Although, knowing the kind of girl Gunz would be able to date, she was probably calling Chinese Take Out.
“…and a quart of Moo Goo Gai Pan, two orders of spare ribs, six egg rolls, and don’t forget the extra Duck Sauce. You want anything, Gunz?”
8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man provides some an incredibly valuable ‘Life Lesson’, sage wisdom, and salient advice: “There’s no reason not to be happy. If someone is making you unhappy, or a situation is making you unhappy…move on.” The entire crew then quits.
THE LATEST OFFERINGS IN THE IMUS ‘HEARTSOUNDS’ GREETING CARD LINE
8:10:14 a.m. – The I-Man announces that there will be a bonus edition of ‘Vinnie From Queens’ this morning, to fill the void left by the absence of Lanny Davis. He mentions that Mr. Davis was behind the A-Rod strategy. How did that work out? Well…let’s just say that A-Rod has been about as successful playing for the Yankees this year, as the Dry Cleaner was getting out that stain on the Blue Dress.
“MR. RODRIGUEZ WON’T BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS…ABOUT THE STAIN ON HIS YANKEE PINSTRIPES…AND HE WON’T BE SIGNING THAT ROOKIE CARD”
8:38:14 a.m. – The Bonus Edition of Vinnie From Queens, includes Tony, Rob, Connell, Bigfoot, Bernie, Gunz, Lou and the from the bagel cart outside who doesn’t speak English. It’s an interesting segment, as we spend as much time talking about the Rodeo as we do the NFL Draft. Rob, who doesn’t know a THING about Sports, said that he thought ‘Joe Beaver’ was going to go first to the Houston Texans. It seemed like a safe bet to him. Joe IS, after all, already a Texan. Rob, obviously, is a moron.
LAUGH ALL YOU WANT…JOE BEAVER WOULD BE A GREAT FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICK
VIDEO OF THE DAY :
IN HONOR OF THE NFL DRAFT, HERE’S THE CLASSIC SKETCH FROM THE CHAPPELLE SHOW:
‘The Racial Draft’