6:06:12 a.m. – We learn that Warner is going to be on PSYCHOS this morning. Which is a shock to all of us. Not because he’s on the panel, but…that it took this long. Ol’ ‘Pop Fly’ is certifiable.
“LET ME GO! THE TEAM NEEDS ME! I HAVE TO HIT THE WALK OFF HOME RUN AND WIN THE PENNANT FOR BROOKLYN!”
6:09:18 a.m. – Dagen reports that the NFL is going to broadcast an ‘Internet Only’ game this season. Warner follows up and says it will be the Bills vs. the Jaguars, which, on the surface, doesn’t appear to be that exciting a game, but Imus offers that Buffalo is supposed to be good this year. Warner counters: “They have no Quarterback.” The boss is confused. Warner means that they don’t have an ACCEPTABLE Quarterback. Not that there will be an empty space behind the center. Although, that WOULD make for a very exciting game, as every snap would be a fumble.
THE WAY WARNER SEES THE BILLS
6:40:44 a.m. – Mike Baker is on, and we suspect that the C.I.A. has reinstated their L.S.D. program…because he says he admires Ted Cruz’s personal stance…that he thinks he’s got conviction and stands behind it. We’ll excuse you while you kiss the sky, Mike. After the interview, he comes back and tells us he thinks that “I-Man’s face is melting.” But that’s not the L.S.D. talking. It actually does look like it’s melting. Because he doesn’t feel well.
“NO, NUMBNUTS…I’M NOT RIDING A UNICORN. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON?”
7:05:12 a.m. – The I-Man is not happy with his hair this morning. Theresa comes in to do a ‘Pit Stop’, brush and spray in hand…but it’s clear it’s tantamount to having ashtrays on the Hindenburg.
WE DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S COMPLAINING ABOUT. WE THINK HIS HAIR LOOKS ‘BOSS’
7:11:22 a.m. – The Boss relates that Bigfoot called him yesterday after the show, all hysterical wanting to know what ‘Big Announcement’ the I-Man was going to make. The problem is, Imus doesn’t remember what the ‘Big Announcement’ was. Maybe HE’S going to campaign for president? Or he just ‘Made Potty Like a Big Boy.’?
NOW THERE’S ONE LESS THING FOR DEIRDRE TO DO. OOPS! WE’RE SORRY. ONE FEWER THING FOR DEIRDRE TO DO.
7:18:19 a.m. – The I-Man decides he is sick. He’s been stuffed up all morning and feels like crap, but has just NOW come to the realization that he is ill. Which makes us wonder what he feels like when he ISN’T sick, if it took him this long to come to this conclusion.
MAYBE HE’S JUST ‘BACK ON THE BLOW’. (THAT JOKE NEVER GETS OLD)
7:40:19 a.m. – PSYCHOS, this week, featuring a ‘FIRED UP’ Warner Wolf, who, apparently, is NOT a fan of President Obama. He blames the President for the failure of America’s foreign policy, destroying our relationship with Israel and this season of ‘House of Cards’ sucking. Dagen is apoplectic over drivers who don’t give pedestrians the right of way , Nat is fed up with Social Media and millennials with no lives who feel compelled to post photos on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram of what they had for breakfast, and Deirdre goes positively BALLISTIC over the human race being ‘Plastic Pigs’…8 million tons of the man-made substance being dumped in our oceans every year. We did some research, and as of 2014, an estimated 5 TRILLION plastic particle, weighing nearly 267 tons are floating around the earth’s wates. However, we are stunned by her outburst, as this is so unlike Deirdre, who is usually reserved and measured when it comes to topics about which she is passionate, such as the Environment. Which reminds us of Godzilla, every time he visits Tokyo.
OH, NO…THERE GOES THE INDIAN OCEAN…
7:43:44 a.m. – We discovered that Imus is a ‘Squirrel Murderer’. Apparently, the Boss was driving, and, according to Deirdre, eating crackers, and so, did not see the squirrel in front of the Escalade, and, of course, in such a scenario, the Squirrel loses. Somewhere out there, there’s a Squirrel family that has lost it’s ‘Nut-Winner’, just because some old cranky cowboy had to stuff his face with a Triscuit. Chip, the Squirrel’s son, then swears an oath to avenge his father’s death. And takes to the highway to…wait.
THE BOSS WON’T SEE THIS SQUIRREL EITHER.
8:05:20 a.m. – Neil Cavuto emails the I-Man, suggesting that the Boss sounds ‘Down’. Hey Neil. Butt out. You’d be down too if you felt as sick as Imus does. But he doesn’t take off work every time he gets a hangnail. It’s a true ‘Profile in Courage’ that he’s even HERE to take your stupid email. How do you have time to write with all those ‘Donut Breaks’?
THE REASON WHY NEIL IS ALWAYS IN A GOOD MOOD. IT’S OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE HE’S JACKED UP ON SUGAR.
8:16:41 a.m. – Ashley reports that due to the tragic crash in the French Alps, Lufthansa, Air Bus and other airline stocks have dropped significantly, leading the I-Man to correctly observe: “142 people die in an airplane cash, and these money grubbing bastards are dumping the stock?” We are horrified by this revelation, as we’re not allowed to have our cell phones on the set, so we can’t make that call to our brokers.
WE HAVEN’T SEEN SOMETHING GO DOWN THIS FAST SINCE KIM KARDASHIAN (WE WOULD’VE SAID MONICA LEWINSKY, BUT WE AGREE WITH THE I-MAN. THAT POOR GIRL HAS SUFFERED ENOUGH.)
8:35:20 a.m – Author Michael Lewis is on to promote the paperback version of his book FLASH BOYS which is about a small group of Wall Street Guys who figure out that the U.S. Stock Market has been rigged for the benefit of insiders. It’s fascinating, the way these guys are able to manipulate the market, and we are on the edge of our seats until the I-Man decides to play some Lucinda Williams for Mr. Lewis. Which is relevant, because, not unlike the Wall Street Traders on Black Tuesday in 1929, Lucinda’s music makes you want to jump out of a building.
“SO I GUESS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR ‘MAMAS DON’T LET YOUR BABIES GROW UP TO BE COWBOYS? AND I ASSUME ‘WEST MEMPHIS’ IS ALSO COMPLETELY OUT OF THE QUESTION?”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
For those of you who want to finally get rid of your diaper, (Even if it’s a Depends) here’s a celebration of
Go Potty Go!
MOMMY, LOOK! MY POO POO IS SINGING!
(To our knowledge, the only Potty Song to ever break into a ‘Reggae’ Beat)