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Deirdre's Corner

 Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Congress Must Make Chemical Safety Act Live Up To Its Name

by Deirdre Imus - The latest version of the Frank R. Lautenberg Chemical Safety Act, endorsed last week by a Senate committee, is nothing short of an irresponsible prescription for disaster. This bill, introduced by Senators Tom Udall and David Vitter, does not come close to fixing anything – except maybe the bank accounts of chemical company executives. The bill pretty much absolves the chemical industry of responsibly for the long-term environmental health effects of its own products and fails to provide an avenue to determine this type of safety for the thousands of chemicals they are producing.  Read more...

Deirdre Imus on Your World with Neil Cavuto - Little Caesars now selling pizza with bacon-wrapped crust

 

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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    Tuesday
    Mar182014

    The Pre-Interview

    6:05:10 a.m. – Carol Higgins Clark has volunteered to fill in for Imogen Lloyd Webber for ‘Hollywood & Vine’ this morning, and is using her ‘Acting’ roles on the Hallmark Channel, (in movies based on her mother’s books) as criteria for her being a valid panelist.  Her acting range runs the emotional gamut…from A to B.  From the evidence she provided, it’s clear she couldn’t act her way INTO a paper bag.

    CAROL ‘EMOTING’

    6:06:12 a.m. –   Despite the fact that it’s imperative for the I-Man to know the location of the missing plane, Connell still remains no help whatsoever.  He has taken to asking everyone during the course of the day if they have any clue.  Which is unusual, as that’s the question he usually gets from everyone else during the course of the day.  Turns out neither the chess teacher nor the manicurist have any idea.

    “MAYBE PLANE GO SOMEPLACE NICE FOR TO TAKE VACATION?  CLUB MED, SOMETIME THEY GO THERE MAYBE? GET NICE ON BEACH, COME BACK FEEL GOOD, TIP BIG THE MANICURIST?”

    6:30:01 a.m. – We give Father Jonathan Morris a little ‘Pre-Interview’ in the Green Room.  We sit uncomfortably close to him. He freaks out a little, despite the fact that Tony maintains it’s not the first time he’s been that close to two men.  Tony is going to hell.  Rob is going to tell on him during confession.  Rob didn’t get a chance to ask the Good Father his most burning question:  “If, when you go to confession, and you omit a particularly heinous sin, and then add an extra lie to the list…is that cool?”

    THE THREE CABALLEROS

    6:40:46 a.m. –  Father Morris enters the studio somewhat shaken, we’ve suitably made him uncomfortable to the point where he is now irritated with the I-Man.  He avoids some of the questions posed to him, regarding the Bill Maher comment about God being a Mass Murderer.  The topic of Noah is discussed, and it’s pretty clear that if both Father Morris and the I-Man were lucky enough to get tickets on the Ark, the Handsome Priest would be pushing the Old Cowboy off the deck before the rain even started.

    “MAN OVERBOARD?  NO…I DIDN’T SEE ANYBODY FALL OVERBOARD…WHY?  IS SOMEONE MISSING?  YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK THE ELEPHANT CAGE.”

    6:55:15 a.m. –  Father Morris subjects himself to a post-mortem interview in the Green Room.  Not ‘Post-Mortem’ because someone has died…but because this will, more than likely, be the LAST time he ever appears on the Imus in the Morning Program.

    “HE WAS SUCH A GOOD GUEST…DAMN YOU, IMUS!”

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Carol Higgins Clark has just emailed the I-Man with some nasty remarks about Dagen.  This is not going to be pretty.  We smell a mud wrestling match.  And Reidel is referee.

    DAGEN AND CAROL ‘GO AT IT’…AND NOT THE WAY WE WANT THEM TO.

    7:07:34 a.m. –   The Boss is getting redressed by Neil Cavuto for being a ‘Godless Idiot’, due to the interview that has just transpired.  He demands that Imus apologize to Father Morris immediately. Just like the airplane, The I-Man just wanted to know what happened to the boat.

    NEIL INTERRUPTS HIS BREAKFAST TO DASH OFF A NASTY EMAIL TO THE I-MAN

    7:20:34 a.m. –  Warner plays a clip of an Umpire at a Pre-Season game getting a line drive to the Banana Hammock.  The video shows the hit literally lifting the unlucky soul right off the ground.  There is an audible gasp from every male within a five mile radius of our studio…while the women all collectively shrug and ask... ‘What?  Does that hurt?’ It’s not funny when it happens to you, but otherwise?  It’s HILARIOUS.

    “HEY UMP.  WAS THAT A ‘FAIR BALL?’  OR A ‘FOUL BALL’?  WHICH BALL WAS IT?  THE LEFT ONE?  OR THE RIGHT? 

    7:29:34 a.m. –  Bill Hemmer joins us in the Green Room for ‘Uncomfortably Close With Rob & Tony’ and Rob asks him about his alma mater, Miami University.  Before Rob can ask him if he misses Florida, Bill chimes in.  ‘Florida’.  Well, it’s not ‘Shecky’ Hemmer.

    BILL ON CAMPUS AT MIAMI UNIVERSITY

    7:46:34 a.m. – Bill’s interview goes surprisingly well, despite the fact that he thinks Noah is the guy who got swallowed by the Whale.  At least he got the Nautical part right. 

    AS CHRIS, ‘MAD DOG’ RUSSO WOULD SAY, ‘TRUE STORY?’

    8:26:14 a.m. – The Carol Higgins Clark Pre-Interview during the ‘Uncomfortably Close’ segment doesn’t go as well as we had hoped. We’d like to say it wasn’t Carol’s fault.  But we can’t.  Still, she looks great for 87 years old.

    CAROL HIGGINS CLARK…PRETTY PEPPY FOR A GAL HER AGE

    8:40:14 a.m. – Hollywood & Vine with guest panelist, Carol Higgins Clark, who has already been brutalized all morning.  Imus asks her if she’s on any prescription drugs this morning.  No.  At least, not yet.  But we think there’s some Xanax in her future. Another clip is shown from her ‘Film Oeuvre’ in which she ‘acts’ with a little Yorkie named “Lulu”  What can we say?  The dog has clearly studied ‘The Method’. 

    CAROL AND LULU.  LOVED HER…HATED HER

    8:46:14 a.m. – The I-Man asks Carol if she’s seen ‘Frozen’, the animated Disney movie in which a girl freezes everything she touches.  No, she has not seen it.  She’s lived it.

    THE ROOTS ARE REAL

    9:05:10 A.M. – Imus provides his take on this morning’s ‘Hollywood & Vine’.  “That might have been the single worst edition…yet.”   Hmmmm.  Will there be some ‘Replacements’ made?

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    IN HONOR OF THAT REFEREE, WE OFFER THIS MONTAGE OF

    NUTSHOTS 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__UR1G3Kxhw

     

     

    Monday
    Mar172014

    Happy St. Paddy's Day

    6:05:10 a.m. – It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and we learn that Warner Wolf is…part Irish.  Which, at first, seems a little confusing, but when we get to thinking about it, makes perfect sense.  The little guy always appears, well, drunk.

    “IF YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA CATCH ME AND GET MY GOLD…YOU LOST!”

    6:11:12 a.m. –  Dagen reports that Mr. Peabody and Sherman, the animated motion picture based on the Kids TV series, coming in at #1 at the Box Office this weekend.  A Computer Generated Dog winds up beating Jesus.  What is the world coming to?   The I-Man doesn’t understand why people go to animated movies.  Ironic, coming from somebody who is the human incarnation of ‘Woody’ from Toy Story.

    IRONIC THAT ‘WOODY’ CAN NO LONGER GET ONE

    6:30:01 a.m. – Bo Dietl is here for the St. Patrickatation Celebratization. He’s wearing a green tie.  Bo is in favor of Gays marching in the parade, especially seeing as the Mayor’s wife used to be a ‘Lesbianic’.  We think the gay ban may have something to do with the fact that there are so many men marching wearing skirts and blowing on bagpipes.

    HAD HE DONE THIS BACK IN THE 60’S IT WOULD’VE KEPT HIM OUT OF THE MARINES

    7:12:15 a.m. – The Cardinal has made a triumphant return to the Imus in the Morning Program.  It’s an exciting day for everyone.  It’s been awhile since we’ve seen the News Trucks.

    “WHICH DOESN’T BELONG AND WHY?  A- JOSEPH ABBOUD B- BILL WHITE C- IMUS IN THE MORN!  TRICK QUESTION.  THEY ALL BELONG!”

    7:17:34 a.m. –   Warner suggests a new way to run Tony’s NCAA pool.  Get 68 people, everybody pays 10 dollars and pulls a team name from a hat.  No brackets, no Final Four, winner take all.  It’s really exciting.  Standing around, watching each team die, one by one like it’s an Agatha Christie novel.   There’s a better way of doing it, while saving 5 dollars in the process.  Just take a five out of your pocket and go burn it in the street.

    “COLONEL MUSTARD IN THE KITCHEN WITH GONZAGA?”

    7:36:34 a.m. – “It Might Be Elvis” goes off swimmingly, with great songs, and great contributions from the panelists.  It becomes clear that there are too many panelists and too many songs.  Somebody has to go.  Hmmmmmm.  We wonder who is on the chopping block?  Let’s see…using the scientific paradigms of logic, and mathematical algorithms of chance…it’s about 8/5 odds that Rob will be spending next week’s edition in the Green Room.  Here’s how we ‘Ciphered’ it:

    E(Elvis) /45(Rpm Record)  X4p (Panelists) = 0% R(OB)

    8:05:10 a.m. –  The Boss regales us with a tale of domestic bliss from La Casa De Imus over the weekend, that included jalapeno peppers.  We’re not exactly sure what went down, the details were somewhat sketchy, all we know is that the result was the D-Woman calling the I-Man an A-Hole.  We find this use of language disturbing.  We would be shocked that Deirdre would resort to such pejorative names for her beloved.  And, admittedly, the Boss IS somewhat hard of hearing.  We think she probably just called him a “F#%$ing Moron”

    DEIRDRE PICKED A PECK OF PICKLED JALAPENO PEPPERS, IF DEIRDRE PICKED A PECK OF PICKLED JALAPENO PEPPERS, HOW MANY PICKLED JALAPENO PEPPERS DID IT TAKE TO MAKE THE I-MAN AN ‘A-HOLE’?

    8:16:24 a.m. –  Imus got some ‘Morning Wood’ hearing the news that Indianapolis Colts Owner Jim Irsay got arrested for DUI.    Well…maybe it’s not exactly Morning WOOD, but the twig was a little less bendy than normal there in ‘Lake Flaccid’

    A TENNESSEE TITAN FAN REACTS TO THE NEWS

    8:26:14 a.m. – It becomes revealed that Bubbles the Chimp, Michael Jackson’s little Simian Friend, was beaten by the King of Pop…yes, let’s all say it together:  “He was spanking the monkey.”  Even more reason why the 2nd Amendment should allow Apes to carry firearms.

    “YOU BETTER MOONWALK YOUR WAY BACK OUTTA HERE OR I’M GONNA BUST A CAP IN YOUR ASS…NOW WHO’S ‘BAD’ MOTHERF%^$ER?”

    8:40:14 a.m. –  Anthony Mason (or as we like to call him, ‘Mr. Excitement’) is our guest…we take this opportunity to get in our Russell Simmons’ recommended 20 minutes of meditation.  The segment only lasts 8 minutes but it takes us 12 minutes to fully wake up.  We learn, upon waking, that Mason has no idea where the plane is, either.  If one of you hijacked passengers out there have internet capabilities on your smart phones, (you know, the ones that keep ringing) do us a favor if you’ve read this blog.  Call Imus and tell him where you are.  So he will shut the hell up about it.

    WHERE ARE YOU GUYS?  CAN’T ANYBODY TEXT US A LOCATION?  TELL US WHAT YOU SEE…WE’LL FIGURE IT OUT.

    9:05:10 A.M. – Rob wants to know if O’Reilly needs anybody to fill in for Greg Gutfeld.  Imus says he will call O’Reilly as soon as we are off the air…to give him Gunz’s number.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

     A LITTLE ST. PADDY’S DAY MERRIMENT.   

     
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQ0-WCqmdrg

     

    Friday
    Mar142014

    Jay Z Now Officially Has 100 Problems

    6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man is actually irritated with the people who are venting their moral outrage over the new Beyonce’ Video for her song ‘Partition’.  We did not want to weigh in on the subject until we did the research on it, and so we fired up the video on You Tube…and we, too, are outraged.  The computer froze right when she was taking off her top.

    WE DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ‘ART’, BUT WE KNOW WHAT WE LIKE. 

    AND THIS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…IS A WORK OF ART

    6:06:12 a.m. –   The I-Man promos Rob and Tony’s upcoming appearance at the Tarrytown Music Hall, and questions their honesty when they claim that there will be 80% new material that night.  Tony actually has over ¾ of an act full of new jokes.  Rob’s 80% will come from the fact that he hasn’t prepared ANYTHING.  So it’s going to be as new to him as it will be to the audience.   

     

    EITHER WAY, IF YOU’VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE, THEY HAVE 100% NEW MATERIAL

    6:30:01 a.m. – Kosta Kennedy is on to promote his new book about Pete Rose.  It sounds like it’s a comprehensive treatise on the man who should be in the Hall of Fame.  One thing we don’t believe is covered in the book:  Why the hell a grown man would continue to wear his hair like that.

     

    “WHY I OUGHTA…”

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Speaking of Moe Howard, Imus asks Lori Rothman “Who was that ‘Daddy Warbucks’ looking Stooge you had, on?”  It’s some economist by the name of ‘Yawn’ or something like that.  Jan Randolph…who doesn’t look so much as Daddy Warbucks as he does Goldfinger.

    “YOU AMUSE ME…BUT NOW IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO DIE.  GOODBYE, MR. BOND…”

    7:12:15 a.m. –  Imus reveals that he heard that “While Elizabeth Vargas was in rehab, her husband was porking another woman.  That’s not good, is it?”  No, I-Man, it’s not ‘good’.  In fact, it’s more like something you’d call ‘An Icky Deal.’  The 24 Hour Party Girl is away spending her days in group therapy, while her old man’s banging her Facebook friend.

    CLICK “LIKE” SHE NEEDS A FRIEND RIGHT ABOUT NOW

    7:35:34 a.m. –   Vinnie from Queens.  A spirited debate about sports that ends with disdain for Nat Candido’s devotion to the New York Mets, by way of a list containing all the men Lindsay Lohan has slept with.  Which, we assume, from the sheer number of names, qualifies it as its own sport.

    BANTAMWEIGHT, LINDSAY, “THE ANKLE BRACELET SKANK” LOHAN

    8:05:10 a.m. – Baker, Mike Baker, is on to discuss ‘Where the plane went’.  Unfortunately, he was on his way to retrieve the hostage-held passengers when he got the call from the I-Man summoning him for an appearance.  Of course, Baker had to hustle back here to Fox to keep his cover as an International Businessman intact.  Thanks a lot, Imus. “Where’s the plane?  Where’s the plane?”  Well, Tattoo, we could’ve caught the Mother F%$#er if you hadn’t called Baker and told him to report to set.

    HE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SHOOTING THE BAD GUYS…AND THEN THE PHONE RANG…

    8:12:24 a.m. – “I wonder if Francesa is still waiting on that Porsche I promised him?”  The I-Man recalls a bet made with the Sports Talk Host Legend in which the I-Man lost…but yet Mike has yet to collect…probably due to some ‘fine print technicality’ Imus uncovered absolving him of paying up.  “He probably couldn’t fit in it now anyway” he justifies.  But if he had promised him a Panel Truck…the outcome would’ve been the same.

    “OKAY…OKAY…WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND…THIS IS NOT THE TYPE OF PORSCHE  I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE…”

    8:19:38 a.m. –  In the middle of reading a spot for the Chamonix Eye Cream deal, the I-Man mentions that if you order today, they’ll throw in a “Jug of that Esotique cream that Deirdre uses…girl is 49 and she got the skin of a 12 year old.”  Um...she DOES have amazing skin, Boss, but perhaps you might want to go with a more ‘Legal’ Age.  Especially as Larry Flynt is going to be a guest in a couple of minutes.

    EVEN 12 YEAR OLD GIRLS DON’T HAVE SKIN THIS GOOD

    8:40:14 a.m. – Larry Flynt is on to talk about the death penalty…and the execution of the guy who put him in the wheelchair…despite this fact, ol’ Larry’s not a supporter of the Death Penalty.  He’s quite the forgiving individual…and rather upbeat for a man who can’t get a lap dance at one of his own clubs without rolling off the stage.   We love Larry.  Not because he helped us get through puberty…and young adulthood, and pretty much every year of our lives up until…maybe this morning…but because he’s a fan of ours.  He actually tells the Boss that he thinks he’s too mean to us…clearly, not grasping the concept of a ‘bit’.  Of course, Rob, disloyal, pussy, scum sucking, phony worm that he is…does NOTHING to dispel Mr. Flynt’s assessment.  This invokes the Ire of a ‘fan’, who texts Imus.  What the ‘fan’ doesn’t seem to understand is that Larry is a ‘Purveyor of Fantasy’.  If he wants to think Imus is brutalizing us…maybe that’s one of the things that still gets him hot.  And who are we to judge? 

    “YEAH…YEAH…THAT’S IT.  CALL HIM A FAT BASTARD, I-MAN…TELL HIM HE’S NOT FUNNY…I’M ALMOST THERE…”

    9:05:10 A.M. – Warner and Gunz don’t know who is playing in the ‘Big East’ Tournament at the Garden today.  Let’s say that again…the two sports reporters for the biggest morning radio and television show in the country, have no idea who is playing a mere 17 floors below their stupid feet.  They have to walk past the Garden’s MARQUEE to get into the building every morning, and yet they are STILL clueless.  But if you need to know who won the 1922 NCAA tournament, (When there were only 3 basketball teams in the country…and ALL the players were white) then Warner’s your man.  Gunz can only tell who was in the movie ‘Space Jam’.

    THE SUM TOTAL OF WARNER AND GUNZ’S BASKETBALL ACUMEN

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    IN HONOR OF BOTH BEYONCE’ AND LARRY FLYNT:

    HERE’S THE VIDEO THAT WAS BANNED IN 37 COUNTRIES…(WE JUST MADE THAT UP, BUT…YOU’LL SEE…IT’S WORTH IT)

    PARTITION

    (JAY Z NOW OFFICIALLY HAS ‘100’ PROBLEMS)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZ12_E5R3qc

    Thursday
    Mar132014

    Wait a Second...Wait a Second...

    6:05:10 a.m. – Mike Francesa’s WFAN Radio show is going to be simulcast on Fox Sports 1, AND Fox Sports 2.  Wait a second…wait a second…wait a second…where’s my Diet Coke?

              FOX SPORTS    1                      FOX SPORTS 2

    6:06:12 a.m. –   Warner says he and his wife knew the Final Jeopardy Answer that stumped the reigning champion, Arthur Chu.  Gesundheit.  He says it’s from that movie ‘The Stutterer’.  Um…he means, ‘The King’s Speech’, which was about King George the 6th, not the 3rd, as Arthur Chu guessed. 

    WHO IS…PORKY PIG?

    6:18:01 a.m. – Walking in this morning, with his crack security team by his side, the I-Man hears someone call to him. “Don!  Hey Don!”  Turns out it was Neil Cavuto.  Thank God The Boss recognized him before he had the safety off the Glock.  Neil almost wound up looking like Spongebob.

    SPONGE NEIL SQUARE CAVUTO

    6:30:01 a.m. –  The I-Man is still obsessed with the way CNN is lit.  He says that Anderson Cooper looks like he’s Marlon Brando in the cave in ‘Apocalypse Now’.

    “THE HORROR…THE HORROR…”

    6:40:46 a.m. –  Scott Brenner, a former FAA Supervisor and an aviation expert is on to provide his learned analysis of the Malaysian Jet disappearance.  The I-Man asks the burning question:  “Is the Jet in the water?”  Brenner answers:  “Yes….but where?”  (Cue mystery music here.)  This guy’s a real font of information.  Where’s Rod Serling when you need him?

    “IT WAS JUST A TYPICAL DAY FOR MALAYSIAN AIRLINES FLIGHT 370, NON-STOP FROM KUALA LAMPUR TO BEIJING…UNTIL THE PLANE…JUST DISAPPEARED.  ALL 227 PASSENGERS HAD A LAYOVER…DESTINATION: THE TWILIGHT ZONE…”

    7:12:15 a.m. –  The I-Man wonders how they’re going to film Francesa on Fox.  Like an FBI Sting operation.   And with a wide angle lens…

    “HIROSHI FROM FLUSHING…WADDYA GOT?”

    7:17:34 a.m. –   Imus is frustrated with the lack of information provided by the News Media regarding the missing flight.  He gives Connell specific instructions:  “If you don’t know where it is…move on.”  Sounds like the same instructions Deirdre gave the I-Man on their wedding night. 

    “OKAY, NOW IT’S MY TURN…HAND ME THAT PAIR OF TWEEZERS…”

    7:19:38 a.m. –   Dagen reports that the folks who made up the game ‘Candy Crush’ are going public.  Imus reveals that he doesn’t know how to play ‘Candy Crush’.  Really?  The kid with the banjo on the bridge in ‘Deliverance’ is on level 120.  The Boss also admits that he doesn’t know how to play checkers either. That’s ok.  The people at the home will teach him.

    “DID YOU JUST JUMP ME?  THAT’S THE FIRST TIME I BEEN ‘JUMPED’ IN 40 YEARS”

    7:38:46 a.m. –  The Mensa Meeting.  Gunz has dressed in a manner that would suggest he was coming straight from a chain gang.  We’re not sure where he got this outfit…obviously something from McDonald’s ‘Hamburglar’ collection

     

    7:46:34 a.m. – The panel discusses Hilary being ‘Too Old’ on Election Day.  Alan claims she’s not…because he’s a Left Wing, Blue State, Commie Liberal.  Deirdre agrees…because she’s a Right Wing, Red State, Wackjob Conservative…who happens to be MARRIED to an old woman. 

    HILARY CLINTON (L)

    8:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man complains that he has ‘Something in his throat’.  And it’s not, as is usually the case, his foot.  Nor is it Bernie’s Bald Headed Brief Baloney.  Joseph Abboud calls and asks whether the frog In the Boss’ throat used to be a ‘Prince’.  Because if that’s the case, Joe knows EXACTLY what to do.  (Hint:  It involves a Donna Summer record and assless leather chaps)

    ABBOUD’S OPENING LINE:  “MY PAD?  OR YOURS?  AND, BY THE WAY, I’M NOT AFRAID OF WARTS.  I ALREADY HAVE A WHOLE LOT OF THEM, BUT THANKS TO VALTREX, THEY’RE UNDER CONTROL”

    8:12:24 a.m. –  Imus weighs in on the rather uncomfortably contentiousChelsea Handler/Piers Morgan interview.  His observation, “Bottom line…she’s funny.”   Which is good enough for us.  Until Dagen adds “…and bang-able”.   Hmmmmm.  THAT would be the bottom line for us.   Move your chair, Piers…we’re going to be using this desk.

    CHELSEA HAS CHUY TAKE CARE OF ALL THE ‘HARD TO REACH PLACES’

    8:40:14 a.m. – Jeff Greenfield is on to talk about his trip to Vietnam.  Not back when he was supposed to have gone, back in the 60’s where Charlie would be firing tracer bullets over his head while he hid in a rice paddy.  The interview gives us a pretty good idea of what John McCain went through when he spent years being tortured by the Cong.  Or at the very least, what it was like when Robert DeNiro and Christopher Walken played Russian Roulette in the Deer Hunter.

    “I SWEAR TO GOD…IF THIS GUY DOESN’T SHUT UP ABOUT DANCING WITH THE VIETNAMESE, I’M GOING TO PULL THE TRIGGER!”

    9:05:10 A.M. – Warner’s team, from his Alma Mater ‘American University’, has made it to the   NCAA playoff championships.  Warner is a long time fan…ever since he graduated, back when it was still called ’13 Colonies College’.

    WARNER’S HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR CLASS PICTURE

    9:05:10 A.M. – The I-Man plays his submission for the ‘It Might Be Elvis’ segment, Brandy Clark’s ‘Hungover’…from her debut ’12 Stories’ album.  It’s a great record…off an album that was Number 2 on Billboard’s Top Heatseakers chart, number 23 on the Country Chart, and on a bunch of the staff’s ‘Five Favorite Songs’ list.  The album includes her hits ‘Stripes’, ‘Get High’, and ‘What Will Keep Me Out of Heaven Will Take Me There Tonight.’  We’re a little confused…didn’t the Boss say that songs that were on albums that were hits were ineligible?    Maybe it’s just that he forgot that he said that.  Now we’re worried about the fact that we’ve written this all down in this blog.  Then again, we’re pretty sure he’s forgotten that we write this blog by now. 

    ARRESTED FOR ‘RECORDING WHILE HUNGOVER’

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    SOME OF THE ELECTRIFYING RADIO THAT FOX SPORTS 1 WILL BE SIMULCASTING

    MIKE FRANCESA…WHO MAY HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO JEFF GREENFIELD’S STORY ABOUT VIETNAM

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAONQyJWC-8 

     

     

    Wednesday
    Mar122014

    The I-Man Searches for Answers About the Plane Deal

    6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man is not in a good mood this morning.  This is unusual for him.  But maybe it’s because the burning question on his mind this morning is ‘Where is the plane?’  Here’s a better question…why wasn’t he on it?

    IF ONLY THERE WERE 228 PASSENGERS

    6:17:12 a.m. –   Imus wonders aloud how much it must costs taxpayers for the President to come to New York just for a shopping spree.  “Air Force One can’t cost more than Net Jets.”  We suppose that’s right…but the upside is…those planes never go missing.  Or maybe that’s the downside.  This morning, it’s pretty much a jump ball.

      “THE GOOD NEWS, IMUS BROUGHT THE PLANE BACK ON TIME…THE BAD NEWS…WE ONLY HAVE 20 MINUTES TO DRY THAT SEAT BEFORE THE NEXT CLIENT’S FLIGHT”

    6:25:01 a.m. –  The I-Man went to see Genius Throat Specialist, Dr. Peak Woo, yesterday, and extolls ‘Peak-aboo’s virtues as the BEST Throat Surgeon on the Planet.  Then he mentions the guy that Warner sent him to was the reason why he had to go to Dr. Woo in the first place.  “Don’t go to anybody Warner sends you to.”  Like his tailor, for instance, who can’t make trousers with an inseam longer than 22 inches.    Or the Escort Service he recommended back in the 70’s…that only featured Munchkin Hookers.  Conversely, don’t listen to any songs that Dr. Woo recommends for ‘Might Be Elvis’.  They’re all instrumentals.

    “REALLY, DUDE, YOU GOTTA CHECK OUT MY FRIEND’S CD…EVEN THOUGH HE CAN’T SING BECAUSE I MISTAKENLY TREATED HIS LARYNGITIS WITH SULPHURIC ACID”

    6:40:46 a.m. – Bo Dietl is the guest.  He doesn’t know where the plane is either.  But he knows where Oscar Pastorius is going.  Hell.  By way of a South African Prison. 

    PASTORIUS BEGS FOR FORGIVENESS.  UNFORTUNATELY, HE DOESN’T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.

    6:55:15 a.m. –  Lori Rothman, discussing the new Sheryl Sandberg’s new ‘Ban Bossy’ campaign says she LOVES being bossy and her husband is completely cool with that.  Hmmmm.  A Gnome Dominatrix.  That’s not too weird, is it?

    LORI, (CENTER IN BLONDE WIG) INFORMS US THAT, APPARENTLY, IT’S A PRETTY POPULAR FETISH

    7:12:15 a.m. –  The I-Man relates a scintillating ‘Duane Allman’ story…in which his guitar solo at the end of Wilson Pickett’s cover of the Beatles’ ‘Hey Jude’ was so fierce, the producer played it over the phone to Jerry Wexler, who bought Duane’s contract and moved him over to Atlantic.  Warner yawns during the story.  The rest of us were too, but we had the good sense to keep our mikes off. 

    EVEN DUANE FELL ASLEEP DURING THAT STORY

    7:17:34 a.m. –   Imus questions Megan Kelly’s dress choice.  It’s a stylish, black, asymmetrical frock.  Or, as fashion designers call it “H.O.T. Smokin’”  It MUST be sexy if a fashion designer thinks something on a woman is hot.  Joseph Abboud notwithstanding.

    MEGAN PLAYING CHARADES AT THE FOX CHRISTMAS PARTY…IN THE FAMOUS DRESS…THE DROOL ON THE SHOULDER IS FROM BRIT HUME

    7:26:34 a.m. –  The I-Man has Lou play the end of Wilson Pickett’s ‘Hey Jude’…and gets irritated, (The theme of today’s show!) because he can’t hear Duane Allman’s guitar part, because Wilson keeps screaming.  Well..it’s a WILSON PICKETT record, Imus.  Nobody wants to play lead Guitar behind Wilson…

    “YOU WANT…WHAT???  HAVE THEM BRING YOU UP IN THE MIX? ALLMAN, PLEASE! OH…YEAH…THAT’S GONNA HAPPEN.  DAMN, YOU’RE ONE CRAZY WHITE BOY, DUANE.”

    7:40:34 a.m. –  Alan Paul, the Allman Brothers Biographer, is the guest.  A fascinating guy, who has a lot to say, probably because it’s one of the few times he’s been able to get out of his Mom’s basement and talk to adults.  He talks about his relationship with the Allman Brothers.  They have somebody with whom they feel safe sharing their stories, and he gets to avail himself of their septuagenarian groupies.  (You know, because he’s got that Mom fetish from living in the basement all those years)

    ALAN WRITING THE FIRST DRAFT OF HIS BOOK ON HIS TRS-80 WITH THE DOT MATRIX PRINTER.  WOW. HE HAS BEEN WITH THE ALLMANS FOR A LONG TIME.

    8:05:10 a.m. –  Imus talks about how poor the CNN Broadcasts are… “I can’t watch anything that’s not in High Def.”   Makes sense.  He spent most of his life High and he’s totally Deaf.

    TRUST US…YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE THIS IN HIGH DEFINITION

    8:16:32 a.m. –  “Joel Osteen must have Jesus rolling over in his grave.”  The I-Man is, obviously, employing hyperbole…because, as every God-Fearing Christian knows, Jesus isn’t IN the grave.  He split the cave 3 days after the unpleasantness up on Calvary Hill, and never went back.  Then again, Imus was the same guy who said it ‘Depended on where they lived’ when asked if, in a Plane Crash on the U.S. / Canada border, where the survivors would be buried…we’ll give it a couple months, and then we will book The Boss a flight on Malaysian Airlines.

    JOEL OSTEEN AND HIS BEARD…UM…WE MEAN WIFE. 

    8:36:14 a.m. – “BLONDE on BLONDE”, or, as we like to call it, ‘Wednesday’s with Morrie’s Grandmother.’  The ladies discuss whether or not, they would, as Martha Stewart suggests, take a bath before and after a Nookie Session.   We know Deirdre certainly does…AFTER.  With Lye and ‘Greening the Cleaning’ Disinfectant.  Lis, on the other hand, doesn’t remember…it’s been that long.  But when she still did, she opted out of the pre-and post bathing, but only because it was too far a walk to the well.

    DEIRDRE’S ‘AFTERGLOW’ CLEANING CREW STANDS BY FOR THE ‘POST POKE’ DISINFECTING.  THEY WON’T BE WAITING LONG.

    8:40:14 a.m. – Lis started to get on Deirdre’s case about the chemicals the I-Woman uses on her hair…Deirdre counters with the information that there is ‘No ammonia’ in her coloring…which, unfortunately, is not a claim the I-Man can make about his coffee.

    THE DIAGRAM WE USE TO MAKE SURE THE BOSS DOESN’T SMELL THE ASPARAGUS

    9:05:10 A.M. – The I-Man is going to devote his day to finding information about the ‘Plane Deal’.  Perhaps he’ll go scuba diving in the Pacific…he’s already got the oxygen tanks.

    AT LEAST NOW WHEN HE PEES IN HIS PANTS…NOBODY WILL NOTICE.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    THE ALLMAN BROTHERS LIVE AT THE BEACON THEATER, 2003

    YOU’RE WELCOME.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IrAIlAN9z0