6:03:12 A.M. – The Coolest Guy in the Room, Jerry Weintraub, passed away yesterday. We’re all sad, because he was one of our favorite people. A great guest, with hilarious stories of his life as a producer, promoter and manager. Wherever you are Jerry, we hope you’re ‘Firing Ferguson’.
6:08:56 A.M. – Warner has been battling a cough since his return from Europe a month ago, and his Doctor has told him that, whenever he flies, he should wear a mask. Warner says that he will be. However, we’re not so sure Warner understands that the doctor means a Surgical Mask.
UM…WARNER? NOT THAT KIND OF MASK
6:15:44 A.M. – Connell reports on new evidence, from a formerly sealed court document, in which, Bill Cosby admits giving Quaaludes to a woman. We assume he used Quaaludes because ‘Roofies’ weren’t invented yet. If he knew then what we know now…
“YA SEE…YOU GOT…TO PUT…THE QUAALUDES…IN THE…CAPPUCCINO…IF YOU WANT TO GET…IN THE PUDDIN’.”
6:40:27 A.M. – Lt. Colonel Bill Cowan is on to discuss ISIS. He, like most of us, wonders why this country has taken it upon itself to deal with that terrorism, when the countries they’re terrorizing do nothing. It’s like you’re holding Thanksgiving Dinner, and the rest of the countries are like your deadbeat brother in law who doesn’t bring anything, eats everything, and then falls asleep on your couch.
7:05:37 A.M. – The I-Man and Warner discuss Serena Williams and both agree that she just may be the greatest female tennis player of all time. All…time. Warner points out that she needs to win two more Grand Slam Titles to tie Steffi Graf, and FOUR to tie Margaret Court…which leads Imus to observe that “When Margaret Court played, she was jackin’ it up against all those old bags at the country club.”
7:15:44 A.M. – Connell relates the story about Cosby, and how there was money given to women, through their William Morris Agents, ostensibly, in return for their silence. “What else would the money be for?” Wonders the I-Man. “…to send them to college?” That would be one option…the other would be to send them to rehab to get that Quaalude monkey off their backs.
QUAALUDES. THEY’RE NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE
7:18:36 A.M. – Warner reports that the New York Giants may rescind their contract offer to their star defensive end, Jason Pierre-Paul, who blew his hand up with fireworks this past Fourth of July. Imus correctly observes, “He won’t be called for holding.”
NOTE TO SELF, JASON: GET SOMEBODY ELSE TO LIGHT IT
7:35:06 A.M. – PSYCHOS! – Bo is on the warpath with the President for not taking on ISIS more aggressively and giving the troops what they need to fight them. He says “We only got TWO Cruise Missiles left…maybe three.” We’re pretty sure there’s more than two or three left…at the very least, they should be coming in by Fed Ex later this morning. Gunz is upset with people who illegally leak sealed documents, such as the Cosby Papers, and when it was revealed that Pete Rose was gambling while he was playing. Really, Gunz? That’s all you have to be angry about? We’d think you’d be more concerned about not getting any P***y for the past 5 years. Deirdre is disgusted with the lack of ‘Customer Service’, especially Outlaw Conversions, and the way they treat their clients. She couldn’t get a boss on the phone…she was forced to talk to some dude in Mumbai called ‘Steve’.
“OH MY GOLLY GOSH, MRS. AMOS…I AM SO SORRY YOU ARE NOT HAVING A POSITIVE EXPERIENCE WITH OUR OUTLAW CONVERSIONS…”
7:45:16 A.M. – And Bernard questions the Greeks Work Ethic, and why this big, fat, Souvlaki Eaters won’t pay their debt. We think it might be because nobody buys those cakes you see in the revolving case at Diners.
8:07:34 A.M. – The I-Man is upset that some of you bastards have STILL not purchased a ‘MyPillow’, after years of humping the product. We were all skeptical at first, because, as The Boss recalls, when meeting Michael Lindell, the MyPillow Creator, a former crack addict, it’s easy to think that he was…crazy. “The boy was Jumpy”, he observes. Maybe HE’S not getting much sleep. That Crack will keep you up all night.
“ONE DAY, I’M GOING TO INVENT THE ULTIMATE PILLOW. BECAUSE…I HAVEN’T SLEPT SINCE CHRISTMAS”
8:16:11 A.M. – Deirdre has brought the I-Man his breakfast. An Egg (Organic) and Cheese (Soy) Sandwich, (On sprouted cardboard) along with some little vegetable sausage. “These little wieners look just like yours, Gunz.” He’s right about that. Gunz is packing NO meat whatsoever.
GUNZ. NOT EVEN QUITE THIS BIG
8:39:43 A.M. – Author Brad Thor is on to promote his latest book, Code of Conduct, Brad is a multi-million bestselling author of Thrillers that are considered ‘Faction’…which is fiction that’s…maybe a little more true than you’d like to think. He spends his free time talking to the CIA, and was once part of an Anti-Terrorist ‘Think Tank’ along with Action Director Michael Bay, to come up with possible scenarios that could be carried out by terrorists, in an effort to stay a step ahead. One of the situations he came up with…actually came true. When he asked if he could brag about this ‘achievement’…they told him… ‘Um…no.’ He reveals that his protagonist, Scot Harvath, is his alter-ego…and that he doesn’t have sex. We assume in the book. We’d hate to think that Brad’s wife was holding out on him.
BRAD THOR, BESTSELLING AUTHOR…AND GOD OF THUNDER
VIDEO OF THE DAY
NOBODY had better stories than Jerry Weintraub.
Here are two of them.