6:06:06 a.m. – The Thrill is Gone…truly…the Great B.B. King has passed at the age of 89. He used to sing ‘Nobody Loves Me But My Mother.’ Nothing could be further from the truth. Lucille is now...as George Harrison would say, ‘Gently Weeping.’…she is now, officially a widow.
B.B. AND THE LADY LOVE OF HIS LIFE, LUCILLE
NOW HEAVEN HAS ITS’ BLUESMAN
6:08: 24 a.m. – The I-Man receives an hysterical text from Dwight Yoakum, direct from his First Class Seat on the Red Eye to Texas, apoplectic because he thinks Imus has been fired from Fox. You’d think he’d be more upset about B.B. . King, that is. Although Mr. Confused, Dwight, thinks that it’s the Prime Minister of Israel who has died.
BIBI…WE HARDLY KNEW YE
6:12:22 a.m. – The I-Man warns the people of Texas the way Darth Vader warned the citizens of Alderan just before the Death Star destroyed the planet. “We are going out of our way to whup your no - roping ass”.
“WYATT…I AM YOUR FATHER…JOIN ME ON THE DARKSIDE”
6:15:32 a.m. – Wyatt observed his Father during his workout session with his trainer so that he can assume that responsibility once the Imus Family moves to Texas. The trainer asks the I-Man “What are your goals?” Wyatt, from the blue line, with the spontaneous answer: “Trying to keep from tipping over.”
“EIGHT…NINE….TEN…C’MON! PUSH! THOSE ARE ONLY 2 POUND WEIGHTS, YOU PUSSY!”
6:19:32 a.m. – Imus says that, while flipping through the channels, he stumbled upon one of the ‘Fast and Furious’ movies, and… “I got sucked in.” Hmmm. We’d call that the ‘Slow and Curious’.
DRIVE LIKE THE COPS ARE…WATCHING YOU
6:40:14 a.m. – Martha MacCallum is on with some perspective on the George Stephanopoulos Controversy. “They think they’re all doing something for a higher purpose.” Which is a measured, sane, rational, intelligent response, as opposed to Imus’ earlier angry, insane, crazy, over the top rant . How unusual.
TWO DIFFERENT WAYS TO APPROACH THE SAME TOPIC:
7:05:04 a.m. – We begin to gain some solace in light of the loss of B.B. King, which comes from finding ourselves grateful for him. Not for the many happy hours we’ve spent listening to his genius…but because his death has prevented Imus from playing any Lucinda Williams this morning…which would only make us want to die ourselves.
THANK YOU, B.B.
7:19:55a.m. – The I-Man cuts Dagen’s Business Report short, as she attempts to warn everyone about the ingesting of Detergent Pods. He goes to Warner, only to hear Dagen screeching in the background: “Children are dying! Old people are dying!” The latter statement, doesn’t sit all that well with Warner. He doesn’t know what she’s talking about. He’s looking forward to his Tunafish Sandwich at Lunchtime…because he also packed his sack with one of those blue candies he found in the Ziploc in the Laundry Room.
“THEY DON’T TASTE ALL THAT SWEET, BUT MY MOUTH FEELS REMARKABLY CLEAN AND FRESH!”
7:39:02 a.m. - HOLLYWOOD & VINE, or, as Imogen Lloyd Webber likes to call it “Oh, Shut Up, Riedel!” The panel of Imogen, Michael Riedel, Deirdre Imus and…this week, making a repeat performance this week, Senator Lindsey Graham. It begins with Imogen’s excitement at the idea of the Muppets returning to TV this fall. Deirdre says she’s never seen The Muppets, ironic, in that she’s married to one. One of those guys up in the balcony.
HE CERTAINLY HAS THE I-MAN’S POSITIVE ATTITUDE…
Riedel goes on a tear on the Stephanopoulis situation. We’re not sure how that factors into the theme of ‘Hollywood & Vine’, but…we assume the phrase the I-Man used earlier, “He stepped on his Weiner…he should just own up…” was the instigating incident for Riedel’s tirade. We also assume that Stephanopoulis steps on his weiner quite often, as, being a diminutive man, it’s closer to both the ground and his feet.
THE GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS BOBBLEHEAD
Deirdre takes exception to the Australian government threatening to euthanize actor Johnny Depp’s little dogs after the star brought them into the country without filing the necessary forms. Hey Australia. Chill. Don’t you bastards have bigger problems like finding the Dingo that ate the lady’s baby? Why don’t you bitches worry about getting Crocodile Dundee another job and leave Johnny alone?
I WANT A LAWYER. I’M NOT GOING DOWN FOR THIS ONE. I’M SERIOUS. NO WAY I’M GONNA BE ‘DEAD DOG WALKING’
Senator Graham bemoans next year’s final season of ‘American Idol.’ He will miss all those magic moments he’s enjoyed over the years, William Hung singing ‘She Bangs’ like a little slow boy at the Christmas Pageant, Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest, each intimating that the other was gay, and Paula Abdul’s bizarre, pill-addled behavior. You know what Paula got on her IQ test? Drool.
PAULA? DO YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU SOME COFFEE? YOU LOOK A LITTLE DISHEVELED, BLESS YOUR HEART.
8:08:16a.m. – We’re still chewing on something the I-Man mentioned a few moments ago to Dr. Bill Evans…that he should “Take a run…” at Imogen Lloyd Webber, who is smart, funny and beautiful. We don’t think that they are all that compatible, as…Imogen is British and prefers beaus who can actually speak the English Language. She’s not impressed with the Good Doctor’s degree in Metehgbnvcretylzhgbrulghy. One thing is certain, ‘Parking’ wouldn’t be a problem as it has been for Dr. Bill in the past. Imogen would be so used to driving on the other side of the road she’d put the car on the opposite side of the driveway. Leaving plenty of room for Bill’s Subaru.
WE’RE SURE YOU MEANT WELL BY DRESSING AS A SCOTTSMAN, BUT IMOGEN DOESN’T HAIL FROM THAT PART OF THE U.K. SHE NOW JUST THINKS YOU’RE SOME CRAZY DUDE IN A PLAID DRESS.
8:38:18 a.m. - VINNIE FROM QUEENS, featuring Nat Candido, Warner Wolf, Connell McShane, Lou Rufino and Tony Powell…and it’s one of the best editions of this particular segment in its’ history on the program. It could be because Gunz is absent…he’s at Broadway Show Tune Camp this weekend.
GUNZELMAN GOT RAVES FOR HIS PERFORMANCE AS ‘TINKERBELL’ IN THE CAMP’S PRODUCTION OF ‘PETER PAN’
AND THEN, AFTERWARDS AT THE CAST PARTY GUNZ GOT TO MEET HIS IDOL, VISITING VOCAL TEACHER, MS. MINELLI, WHO, IMMEDIATELY AFTER TAKING THIS PHOTOGRAPH, CALLED HER LAWYER AND GOT AN IMMEDIATE ORDER OF PROTECTION
8:40:27 a.m. - The boys discuss Tom Brady’s penance, and whether or not NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell should be the arbitrator for the case, seeing as he was the one who levied the punishment in the first place. That would be like Kim Jong Un intervening with himself after sentencing one of his ministers to ‘Death by Wild Boar Consumption’, and reducing it to being merely ‘Torn apart by Rabid Dogs.’
LeROY NEIMAN’S ‘TOM BRADY BEING TORN APART BY A RABID DOG
8:43:27 a.m. - Somehow, George Stephanopoulos makes it into the ‘Who’s the Bigger Douche’ portion of the segment for his inability to reveal his donation to the Clinton Foundation, along with Wizards’ Forward Paul Pierce for ‘prematurely’ celebrating what he thought was a winning shot in the Playoff game against the Atlanta. Why is George Stephanopoulis in a sports segment? Because he was an All-American Midget Wrestler for Columbia University.
GEORGE ON THE RED CARPET AT THE ALMWF AWARDS
(ADORABLE LITTLE MIDGET WRESTLING FOUNDATION)
VIDEO OF THE DAY
One Hour, Twenty Minutes, and Eleven Seconds of Pure Musical Genius From
God’s Favorite Blues Man
The Late, Great,
RILEY B. KING
(They called him B. B. )