6:07:10 a.m. – The Duck Dynasty Controversy is the first topic of discussion this morning. In light of Phil Robertson, the Patriarch of the bearded, backwoods family that has taken America by storm, apparently made some homophobic remarks in an interview for GQ. Apparently, Mr. Robertson doesn’t know that most animals are bi-sexual. Some are even gay. You ever seen an ostrich? Any animal that lives in a feather boa is DEFINITELY working the other side of the feed trough.
“THERE’S A…PLACE FOR US…SOMEWHERE A PLACE FOR US…”
6:06:12 a.m. – Warner gives his highly anticipated review of Anchorman 2. After he is done, we still don’t know if we want to see it. According to Warner, there were ‘Some funny parts’ as it ‘Wasn’t really serious.’ Which is comforting, considering it has been marketed since LABOR DAY as a comedy. He does, however, suggest that there ‘Won’t be an Anchorman 3’ Yeah. That’s what they said about The Godfather, too.
“LOOK WHAT THEY DID…THEY MASSACRED WILL FERRELL…”
6:25:50 a.m. – Imus says he’s shocked when Deirdre runs into people out in the real world who hate him. He also doesn’t like the fact that they take it out on her. Apparently, a certain Fox Business personality was a snippy to the I-Woman at a luncheon yesterday…and Deirdre as already fired up from the particularly spirited edition of ‘Blonde on Blonde’. Unfortunately, what clearly could’ve turned into an all-out, knock-down, drag-out, brawl between two attractive, psychopathic ladies…went by without incident. But we maintain that both of them have someone else start their cars for them for the next few months.
WE ARE SO DISAPPOINTED IT DIDN’T RESORT TO THIS…A CHOCOLATE PUDDING WRESTLING MATCH
6:40:46 a.m. – Stuart Varney is on, and tells us his Christmas tree fell down after he put it up. The I-Man relates. There was many a Christmas when everyone had to put up with Imus when HE fell down. Back in the 70’s and Early 80’s he could’ve greatly benefitted from the use of a tree stand…to help keep him upright.
“DON’T LEAN TOO FAR…YOU’LL FALL DOWN AGAIN”
7:05:15 a.m. – Robert and Vinnie Andrews have been managing Imus’ finances for the past 40 years. He has, as you well know, earned a rather substantial fortune. He has received one of those internet Meme deals in an email from them. A little ‘funny’ graphic thing that’s a swipe at Obamacare, with a punchline that suggests Obama would do better using the money he put into the Website, to give a two million dollar gift to every American. But, the arithmetic is off. It would actually be… 2 dollars. We shudder to think how much MORE the I-Man would be worth if the Andrews were actually good at math.
“I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BREAK THIS TO YOU, CLINT…BUT I’M NOT PRESIDENT OBAMA”
7:13:15 a.m. – Connell reports that the members of ‘Pussy Riot’ may, in fact, be released from prison today. Imus says he loves it when the “Hair Do Anchors get to say ‘Pussy Riot’.” Connell bristles. Not that Imus suggests he is shallow enough to actually gain pleasure uttering a salty term on the air…but that he has called him a ‘Hair Do Anchor’. The problem with that is…to be a ‘Hair Do Anchor’ You actually have to have a ‘Hair Do’. Not a ‘Hair Don’t’
IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR RICHIE CUNNINGHAM, IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR CONNELL
7:38:16 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting included a visit from ‘Black Santa’. Which, the I-Man, apparently, thought was a good idea…but then neglected to introduce, or draw attention to, the fact that he was present there on the panel. If you’re looking for potato salad at the next Mensa picnic…you might want to consider going with the cole slaw instead. Because the I-Man will be in charge of the potato salad.
“TO BE HONEST WITH YOU…I DON’T MISS HIM…OR THE POTATO SALAD.”
8:05:12 a.m. – The I-Man watches a DVR of the show every day, and has come to the conclusion that the program is funny, which really shouldn’t be earth shaking news to him, but what is more shocking to us is that he says he likes the kind of guy he is. So he’s the one.
WE REALLY MISS THOSE CAVEMAN COMMERCIALS FOR GEICO
8:07:12 a.m. – “How is it my fault that Eric Bolling is a moron?”, The I-Man wonders aloud. He’s right about that. Anybody who comes to up to us and asks us if we would “Tell Imus that I’m not a moron.”, is obviously, a moron.
ERIC BOLLING SHOWS OFF HIS NEW TATTOO: ‘MORONE’
8:15:30 a.m. – Pete Morgan, CEO of Peerless Boilers, and one of the BEST people on the PLANET and a long time supporter of the show, is in our ABC studios, paying a little holiday visit. I-Man says that Sports is sponsored by Peerless Boilers, which, luckily, allows Pete a little camera/radio airtime. “Guess that diet didn’t work out, huh?” The I-Man asks Pete. “Guess that face lift didn’t work out, huh?” Replies Pete. Now you know why we love him.
PETE MORGAN. GETTING YUKS AT THE I-MAN’S EXPENSE. BECAUSE HE CAN.
8:40:48 a.m. – Leif Babin and Jocko Willnik, the Founders of ‘Echelon Front’, a Leadership and Management Consulting firm, are both former Navy Seals, and, their presence provides almost too much awesome for one room to hold. These dudes are impressive and inspiring, and it has less to do with the fact that they are as scary as F$#%, than it does that they somehow resist the urge to reach over the desk and crush the I-Man’s windpipe with their thumbs. We shook hands with them back in the green room. When the program is over, we will be going to the E.R. for x-rays. And we suspect we may be known as ‘Lefty’ from now on.
JOCKO (L) AND LEIF (R) : THEY WILL COME TO YOUR COMPANY AND SCARE THE $#@& OUT OF YOUR EMPLOYEES, EFFICTIVELY CAUSING PRODUCTION TO INCREASE APPROXIMATELY 700%
9:02:18 a.m. – The I-Man attempts to lure Dagen into being critical of ABC News Anchor Liz Cho, on the air. Dagen responds. “I can’t hear you.” “I said, ‘You look nice’.” “Thank you!” She has learned the time-honored Imus technique of ‘Selective Hearing’.
WE HEAR THIS GIRL ‘LOUD AND CLEAR’
9:05:30 a.m. – Our TV Boss, Kevin Magee, stops by, waits for the I-Man to go back on the air, and then silently delivers a gift. It’s a small can of shaving gel and a disposable razor. What was initially perceived as a thoughtful Christmas Gift, is actually just a passive aggressive way of telling the I-Man to shave that little pubic stubble he’s sporting on his chin. If he really wanted to send a message to Imus, he would’ve just given him a revolver with a single bullet. Imus, ever the optimist, says, “Look! I needed a travel size razor and shave cream to take with me to Texas!” completely missing the point. Unfortunately, Duane Reade didn’t have any ‘Travel Size’ straight razors.
WHAT TO GIVE THE MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING, APPRECIATES NOTHING, AND WHO YOU WISH WOULD JUST KILL HIMSELF ALREADY
VIDEO OF THE DAY
WE TAKE A BRIEF DETOUR FROM HOLIDAY CHEER
IN HONOR OF LEIF BABIN AND JOCKO WILLNIK, WE SHARE WITH YOU A VERY MOVING TRIBUTE TO THE SEA, AIR LAND COMMANDOS,
COMMONLY KNOWN AS THE NAVY SEALS