6:05:12 A.M. – The I-Man is in a good mood, and, no doubt, it has something to do with the fact that John Kasich is in, but Rick Perry is out in the BIG debate tomorrow. He’s sympathetic to Perry’s plight, “…and he spent all that money on those glasses to look smart…and Kasich just announced 20 minutes ago.” How great is this?
SCHADENFRAUDE. IT’S NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANY MORE.
6:18:56 A.M. – Deirdre has entered the studio in Brenham, and she sneezes. It sounds disturbingly similar to a gunshot. Which…to be honest, would not be a surprise to any of us. We often think that each morning could be the one when she can’t take it anymore and just…snaps.
“NO. YOU GET ME A CUP OF COFFEE, HOW DOES THAT SOUND, COWBOY?”
6:20:44 A.M. – Warner does a story about Texas Rangers’ Prince Fielder, hitting his 16th Home Run of the Season, but calls him ‘Fat Fielder’. It’s sad. Warner has lowered himself to Body Shaming.
ACUTALLY…WARNER MAY HAVE SOMETHING THERE…
6:40:27 A.M. – Hannah Storm phones in, and the I-Man discusses how he can take a ‘Rooting Interest’ in almost any sport. It makes us wonder if he could muster any interest in Cockfighting. Although it might confuse him…and he’d ultimately wind up being disappointed.
“HEY! WAIT A MINUTE! YOU MEAN IT’S…CHICKENS?”
7:06:37 A.M. – The I-Man says it’s going to be 104 degrees in Brenham today, and currently, the humidity is at 97%. This only makes us wonder why he chooses to purchase ranches in areas of the United States that have THE WORST WEATHER ON THE PLANET. A Cattle Ranch in New Mexico at 6200 feet, a Horse Ranch in the Sauna known as Texas… why not just open a Buffalo Ranch…in BUFFALO?
“I’M GONNA STAMPEDE RIGHT THROUGH THAT COWBOY SUMBITCH’S LIVING ROOM…IT’S F%$#ING COLD!”
7:26:44 A.M. – During the Briefing, Bernie plays a clip from Pastor Manning…you remember him…he was the one who, six years ago, said Obama wasn’t the ‘Anti-Christ’…he was the ‘Next Hitler’. He’s since revised his comments…now The President is merely an ‘Evil Spirit’ and the ‘Son of Satan’. These Statements go a long way to prove the validity of his claims that Starbucks puts…Semen in their Latte’s. Which, up until now, we only thought was ‘Foam’. We already know that they used to put Urine in the I-Man’s coffee.
AND ALL THIS TIME WE JUST ASSUMED THEY WERE PAINTING AN OLIVE BRANCH
7:33:06 A.M. – BLONDE ON BLONDE or, as we like to call it, ‘The Before and After Photo For Botox’. We look forward to another Deirdre Ass Whuppin’ on Lis, but…the Lovely Ms. Wiehl has phoned in rather than appear in the studio, and the phone line keeps dropping the call. This sets off Deirdre, who gets so incensed by Lis’ ‘Unprofessionalism’, we’re actually glad she’s not in the studio, the D-Woman would have gone all Ronda Rousey on the girl.
THAT’S GONNA LEAVE A BRUISE
7:35:07 A.M. – Lis’ absence allows the D-Woman unrestrained ability to bring the crazy. And that, she does. It starts with Ben Affleck hosing the Nanny, a topic for which she says Lis would say, ‘It’s okay…he’s a nice guy.’ Deirdre doesn’t know why someone would hire an attractive Nanny to babysit their children. Well…because he’s a movie star…with a lot of money. What’s he supposed to do? Hire a beast?
BEN SHOULD’VE CALLED HER
7:39:22 A.M. – Before the segment is over, she will blame Lis for everything from the breakup of the Beatles to being on the Grassy Knoll. Bernie fills in for the absent Ms. Wiehl…so, this morning, it’s technically ‘Blonde on Bald’.
“BERNIE…YOU IGNORANT SLUT!”
7:50:16 A.M. – Unfortunately, the segment comes to an end without Lis answering the best question of the day… ‘What would you consider to be a good looking penis.’ “One that’s pointing towards her…” says Deirdre. From Downtown.
“GOODNESS! HOW DID YOU FIND ME?”
8:07:34 A.M. – It’s Nat Candido’s Birthday today, and because he’s a fan of Billy Joel’s the I-Man will play ‘For the Longest Time’, one of Nat’s Five Favorite Songs. Between the Mets being in 1st place and Billy Joel closing the Nassau Coliseum with a sold out show last night, Mr. Candido might not even be vertical enough to get loaded for his 32nd Natal Anniversary.
THE CANDIDO BANDITO. CELEBRACION.
8:15:11 A.M. – The I-Man mentions that today is Associate Producer, Personal Assistant and Office Manager of Imus in the Morning World Headquarters, Meghan Hurlbut, will be leaving the fold today. He gives her quite a sendoff, with a tribute that is worthy of a Saint. She’s been great for four years in the Service of the Imus Family, and will be dearly missed. She will be replaced by Ali Zubowski, who we used to work with back at Fox, and we are currently taking bets for the Over/Under before she makes her first suicide attempt. We only have one question: Did she help Meghan build the tunnel?
DIAGRAM OF THE ELABORATE SYSTEM HURLBUT USED TO GAIN HER FREEDOM. IT ONLY TOOK HER FOUR YEARS. BUT IT WAS WORTH EVERY SECOND.
8:19:58 A.M. – Billy Joel closed the pit known as Nassau Coliseum last night with a final concert, at which, all of his Long Island Fans were in attendance. Two of whom were interviewed by the Long Island Paper of Record, Newsday. They were…well, quite enthusiastic, pumped up for the show…but not exactly the kind of person who you might think would ever get to ‘Final Jeopardy’. In fact, they both sound like they just may have brought the collective IQ of the Nassau Coliseum down to a single digit.
8:39:43 A.M. – Frank Rich, of the New York Times and, most recently, of the hit HBO Series ‘Veep’ for which he is a producer, was formerly the ‘Butcher of Broadway’ Combining both his areas of expertise, the I-Man asks Frank “If you were to pitch the current Republican Presidential Candidates as a Broadway Musical, would anybody buy into it?” Frank says, essentially, it’s even too outrageous for the Great White Way. Although we think Senator Lindsey Graham would be quite adept at performing Fosse ‘Jazz Hands’.
“ONE…SINGULAR SENSATION…EVERY LITTLE MOVE HE MAKES…”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
THE AFOREMENTIONED ‘UBER FANS’ AND THEIR FELLOW BILLY JOEL AFFICIANADOS AND SOME CLIPS FROM HIS 32ND CONCERT,
AND THE FINAL, AT NASSAU COLISEUM