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Deirdre's Corner

 Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Congress must make Chemical Safety Act live up to its name

by Deirdre Imus - The Frank R. Lautenberg Chemical Safety Act for the 21st Century has a nice ring to it. Named for the late, longtime New Jersey Senator who passed away in 2013, the bill, championed in the Senate by Republican David Vitter and Democratic Tom Udall, would reform the Toxic Substances Control Act of 1976 (TSCA). It is a shame that both the current and proposed legislation fall far short of their lofty names, and that countless Americans have suffered, are suffering, will suffer as a result.  Read more...

Deirdre Imus on Your World with Neil Cavuto - Little Caesars now selling pizza with bacon-wrapped crust

 

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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    Tuesday
    Jan282014

    Hair Club For Men

    6:05:10 a.m. –   Add to the list of ‘Things That Creep The I-Man Out’, ‘Rand Paul’s Hair’.  Other things include, ‘The Dakota’, ‘Scary Movies’ and ‘His Own Reflection When He Gets Out Of The Shower.’

    FORGET THE FACT THAT HE LOOKS LIKE CHRIS HANSEN IS WAITING FOR HIM IN HIS KITCHEN, RAND PAUL’S HEAD LOOKS LIKE A CHIA PET

    6:06:12 a.m. – Legendary Folk Singer and Activist, Pete Seeger has died.  He is the man who wrote ‘If I Had A Hammer’, ‘Turn Turn Turn’, and ‘Where Have All The Flowers Gone?’   Where have they gone?  On top of his casket.  If I had a hammer, I’d be sure to nail the lid down so Pete doesn’t somehow get out and write some more tedious songs.

    ALL THIS PHOTO NEEDS IS A TEXT BALLOON OVER DYLAN’S HEAD:

    “Get away from me, old man.  I ain’t boycottin’ no lettuce!”

    6:16:32 a.m. –  The I-Man reminisces about some of his old co-workers from WFAN.  Steve Levy, one of the update guys is now working for ESPN.  Imus is happy to see him, however, he makes the observation:  “There’s something wrong with his head…he looks like a Bullfrog.”

    STEVE LEVY, RELAXING ON HIS LILY PAD

    6:18:36 a.m. –  Eddie Scozzare is another of the people the I-Man misses from WFAN.  Eddie is a diabetic who has to wear an insulin pump.  In the old days, the Boss would try to steal it from Eddie.  Boy, it was just a regular Yuk Fest back then.

    EDDIE ATTEMPTING TO MONITOR HIS BLOOD SUGAR

    6:22:44 a.m. – Deirdre will be coming in on Thursday to share her SuperBowl Snack Recipes.  When she’s finished, you’ll know why both their dogs eat their own feces.

    “OH YEAH?  WELL YOU EAT IT.”

    6:27:15 a.m. –  The I-Man can’t deal with the suspense any longer, and absolutely NEEDS to know if Rand Paul is wearing a wig. Imus assigns Tony the job of investigative reporter. Tony thinks there’s no way that Rand Paul is wearing a hairpiece. Just because a man’s haircare products include, a staplegun, Velcro, and Gorilla Glue instead of Vitalis doesn’t mean that he has a wig.

    WIG SHMIG.  THAT LOOKS PERFECTLY  NATURAL

    6:40:08 a.m. –  Ed Henry, The Fox News White House Correspondent is on to discuss President Obama’s  State of the Union Address tonight.  Oh. And Rand Paul’s hair.  This is rapidly becoming a ‘Theme Show’.  We would like to know what Ed is doing to HIS hair. 

    ED HAS LUNCH IN THE WHITE HOUSE COMMISSARY

    7:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man is upset with the relationship between Deirdre and Mike Lupica.  Not the same way he’s upset with the relationship between Deirdre and the New York Knicks, but, he maintains that Lupy is HIS friend.  Not hers.  She monopolizes the phone conversation…so the I-Man just ‘Hangs Up’.  What was she going on about with the diminutive author?  His diet.  Which he is reluctant to share with Mrs. Hank Snow, but we happen to know that Mike’s daily food regime  includes “Small plates.”  Petite Filets, Baby Corn, and Mini Marshmallows.  Oh, yeah.  And Shrimp.

    MIKE’S LOVELY WIFE TAYLOR, SETS THE THANKSGIVING TABLE FOR HER LOVING HUSBAND

    7:40:08 a.m. – Hollywood and Vine goes off swimmingly, in that Rob doesn’t suck and Reidel doesn’t sing too much, although, next week we’re considering serving wine during the segment, so that Imogen can have a glass to kill the bug she has stuck up her bum.

    WE’D TELL HER TO ‘LIGHTEN UP’, BUT SHE ONLY WEIGHS 50 POUNDS

    (SORRY, WE MEAN 3 STONE 8) 

    8:05:10 a.m. – There’s a discussion about the Super Bowl Media Day, and how Times Square has been turned into ‘Super Bowl Boulevard’, where, in addition to all the radio and television sports commentators, there will be a slew of new, ‘Decent Hookers’.  What makes them Decent?  (Other than taking American Express) Well, according to Dagen, they won’t have that bandaid on their inner thigh…will have most of their own teeth, and will be below 67 years of age.  Which is the usual quality of hooker in Times Square the rest of the year.

    MARTA AND GERTE…69 YEAR OLD TWIN HOOKERS FROM TIMES SQUARE (THE DOG IS EXTRA)

    8:22:44 a.m. – Dagen talks about the fact that it’s nearly impossible to get a hotel room in the New York/New Jersey area.  Even awful, crappy rooms like Motel 6 are going for 1000 bucks a night.  And in Jersey…you don’t want to sleep on the bed, lest you awaken the roaches.   There isn’t a ‘Sanitized’ paper strip across the toilet seat…it’s a Police Crime Scene tape.   The carpets don’t have any designs on them…other than the chalk outlines.

    THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE AT THE TURNPIKE MOTOR LODGE IN BAYONNE

    ONLY 3500 DOLLARS A NIGHT

    (COMES WITH A FREE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST…JUST NOT FROM THIS CONTINENT)

    8:40:10 a.m. – Jenna Lee is in with Travis Mills, a true American Hero.  Staff Sergeant Mills is a U.S. Army Ranger of the 82nd Airborne who lost both arms and both legs to an IED explosion in Afghanistan.  He is, in a word, amazing.  The Boss starts the interview by saying to Travis, ‘Tell me your story’.  Travis begins… ‘Well, I was born in Michigan…’  We LOVE this guy.  Especially when the I-Man tries to equate his bent pinkie finger (which he got in a horrible beer can pull top accident) with Mr. Mills prosthetic arms and legs.  Mills says ‘I was going to ask you about that…but I wasn’t sure you were prepared to talk about it.’   Somebody needs to give this man his own radio program.  Not that he needs one.  He has his own movie, which is screening all over the country.  You can request a screening in your town by clicking on this link:

    http://travisthemovie.com/host-a-screening/ 

    STAFF SERGEANT MILLS AND HIS DAUGHTER, CHLOE

    9:04:08 a.m. – All morning, the I-Man cannot get over the story about yet another Cruise Ship plagued with stomach virus…or the man who is interviewed, who was on the very same ship two year ago, and also dealt with a hideous stomach virus.  The Boss is incredulous that the guy would ever try a cruise AGAIN.  Maybe this guy enjoys playing shuffleboard with errant turds coughed up by the ship’s plumbing system.

    “OH, LOOK, HONEY!  THERE’S ‘POOP BINGO’ UP ON THE LIDO DECK!”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN HONOR OF RAND PAUL, WE OFFER THIS COMMERCIAL FROM THE 80’S FOR

     ‘HAIR CLUB FOR MEN’.  NOT ONLY IS SY SPERLING THE HAIR CLUB FOR MEN PRESIDENT, BUT…HE’S ALSO A CLIENT.  OF COURSE, RAND PAUL BELONGS TO THE

    ‘HAIR OF THE MONTH CLUB’

    (AND WE THINK THAT MAY BE THE PRESIDENTIAL OFFICE HE’S CONSDIERING)

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuRLGdGnqSU 

     

    Monday
    Jan272014

    The Good Ol' Days

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man has had no sleep, as he came back from Texas late last night.  That explains his decision to share a nostalgic story from the ‘Good Ol’ Days’, involving the Late Robert W. Morgan, The Billboard Radio Personality of the Year Award, and a gullible Imus at the very beginning of his career.  Fortunately, Mother Teresa, (Mama T) wasn’t part of this particular story…and he did not digress like Maureen Dowd at a cocktail party.

    FORTUNATELY, THERE WERE A LOT OF BARS IN NEW ORLEANS SO AT LEAST DON DIDN’T WASTE A PERFECTLY GOOD TRIP

    6:06:12 a.m. –  The Grammys are discussed.   Everybody agrees that the ‘Reunion’ between Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney was about as awesome as if they had brought ABBA back together.

    PAUL (L) AND RINGO (R)

    THE CUTE ONE AND THE FUNNY ONE ARE NOW THE OLD ONE AND THE SENILE ONE

    6:11:17 a.m. – The I-Man wishes Bene Lupica, decorated veteran and Father of Mike Lupica.  Bene flew as a navigator and a bombardier on a B-24 for countless missions during World War II.  He’s a true American Hero.  In fact, his service to his country was so profound; we are even willing to forgive him for providing the seed that eventually became his son.

    THE ONLY MISTAKE BEN LUPICA EVER MADE

    6:40:46 a.m. – Bo Dietl is here to talk security in Sochi, and whether or not the real Wolf of Wall Street is a ‘Douchenozzle’.  Turns out Jordan Belfort IS, in fact, one…and Bo will NOT travel to Sochi.  If BO won’t go somewhere…then it HAS to be dangerous.  Either that, or there are not enough celebrities for him to schmooze.

    BO IS NOT TRUSTING THE RUSSIATATIONS WITH PREVENTING ANY KIND OF TERRORIZATION SITUATION

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The I-Man wants to know why everybody hates Taylor Swift.  If you have to explain it…then you haven’t dated Taylor Swift.  Everybody else has.

    SHE’S HAD ENOUGH BOYFRIENDS TO COMPLETE A BOX SET

    7:17:15 a.m. –  Another Cruise Ship has had a problem…which causes the I-Man to go into one of his trademark rants about losers who go on cruises.  We think it’s probably due to his unpleasant experience on the Titanic.  He’s never really gotten over dressing as a woman to get into one of the lifeboats.

    THE CAPTAIN ESCORTS IMUS (r) ONTO THE LIFEBOAT

    7:22:44 a.m. –  The I-Man comments on Connell’s hair.  Apparently, McShane has parted it differently this morning, which, somehow, irritates the Boss.  We’re not exactly sure what the deal is with the I-Man and hair…he does seem unnaturally obsessed with it.  He will actually brush the sides of his ample mane before donning his Cowboy hat.  He says it’s because he’s seen Dwight Yoakum do it.  Then again, Dwight HAS to brush the sides of his hair…because there is no top.

    “YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS, I-MAN, BECAUSE I SAVE SO MUCH TIME IN THE MORNING”

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Martha McCallum is the guest.  She too, is not a fan of Taylor Swift.  She’s had to sit through a Taylor Swift convert with her thirteen year old, trying not to throw up.  Sounds like the photo negative of Imus’ wedding night…in that case, Deirdre was the 13 year old trying not to throw up.

    WE FEEL LIKE WE’RE GOING TO THROW UP NOW

    8:05:02 a.m. – The I-Man has Alzheimers.  He keeps asking Dagen to do the Business News after she’s already DONE the Business News.  Maybe he’s just excited about the fact that he’s going to talk to Meat Loaf.     

    MR. LOAF.  HE’S GOT A LOT OF GREAT STORIES TO SHARE

    8:38:37 a.m. –  The Great Meat Loaf is Here!  A real Rock n’ Roll icon!  Here!  In the Studio!  With stories.  We think they’re stories…but we come to learn that it’s…just one story.  The boy DO like to talk.

    HE TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF HIS MOUTH

    (A MEATLOAF IMPERSONATOR…WHO TRACE ADKINS ALSO GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH)

    8:41:37 a.m. –  The I-Man relies on Rob to provide him with research to inform the interview with Meat Loaf.  Rob gives him a number of facts found on ‘Wikipedia’, among them are that ‘Bat Out of Hell’ was recorded at Bearsville Studios near Woodstock, New York, that Todd Rundgren was the producer, that Ellen Foley and Karla DeVito were featured singers on the album…and that Rundgren thought the album was a parody of Bruce Springsteen.   The last fact, Meat Loaf refutes.  Rob should’ve known something was up when the Wikipedia entry also maintained that Meat Loaf was the 5th Beatle, wrote ‘Splish Splash’ with Murray the Ki’s Mom, and invented White Out.

    ONE OF THE DUBIOUS FACTS ON WIKIPEDIA ABOUT MEAT LOAF:

    THAT HE IS, IN FACT, LUMPY RUTHERFORD FROM ‘LEAVE IT TO BEAVER’, GROWN UP

    (WHEN EVERYBODY KNOWS HE’S REALLY EDDIE HASKELL)

    8:55:11 a.m. – Back in the Greenroom, after the interview, Meat Loaf shares with us some stories about his encounters with the supernatural.  Apparently, he’s seen dead people.  We try to tell him that that’s just how Imus looks on Mondays, but no, he means he’s actually been places where there have been ghosts.  He relates an incident in which, during the recording of ‘Bat Out Of Hell’, he was staying at a small inn in Upstate New York, where the covers were mysteriously pulled off his bed.  Which, is what happens when you sleep through your wakeup call and the maid comes in to clean the room.

    “MAYBE IT’S ME…BUT ‘BAT OUT OF HELL’ SOUNDS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE ‘BORN TO RUN’.”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    One of the single greatest Rock n’ Roll songs ever recorded:

    Paradise by the Dashboard Light

      

    THE REAL MEAT LOAF AND THE REAL KARLA DEVITO

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NTDHjVKQyo

     

    Friday
    Jan242014

    An Indigenous Vinnie From Queens

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man shares that when he talks about people with whom he has discourse off the air, he never mentions their names…unless he has something positive to say about them, which is…never.  Anyway, turns out the contractor the Boss had quote him a 5 Million dollar price for the rodeo arena at Oak Hill, in Texas, didn’t say it would cost 5 Million...if the I-Man had paid attention and listened to the rest of the pitch, and didn’t get distracted by the Patriots game, he would have heard the contractor continue  to say, ‘But that’s not what it will cost…’   How unusual for Imus to get something wrong like that. 

    I-MAN WON’T PAY MORE THAN 4.5 MILLION FOR THIS…

    6:17:34 a.m. –   Warner announces that it will be an ‘All Swiss Final’ in the Australian Open…Stanislas Wawrinka vs. Rafael Nadal.   Um…Warner?  Rafael Nadal is from Spain.  But he likes Fondue.

    “MMM…!ME GUSTA ESA QUESO SUIZA…ME GUSTA MUCHO!”

    6:38:13a.m. – Anthony Mason is on to talk about his feature on the Grammy Nominees.  All we know is Justin Bieber isn’t nominated for anything…other than “MVP”  ‘Most Valuable Prisoner’.

    WHEN YOUR MUGSHOT LOOKS LIKE YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION PICTURE…YOU MIGHT HAVE A PROBLEM

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Bo Dietl is on to give his expert opinion on the big Mob roundup from yesterday, where some of the guys responsible for the 1978 Lufthansa Heist, that netted 5.8 Million Dollars.  Perhaps some of that money should’ve been used to find a better hiding place that wouldn’t be discovered 36 years later.

    “YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT…YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO CREAMED CORN…YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO TAKE A NAP TWO OR THREE TIMES A DAY…YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE INCONTINENT…”

    7:06:12 a.m. –  Bo isn’t here yet.  We’re a little nervous.  He knows the gentlemen in question…we hope they didn’t ‘reach out’ to him and ‘Touchitate’ him.  We don’t need any Wackatation Situation.

    WE HOPE THIS ISN’T BO.

    7:07:14 a.m. –  We breathe a sigh of relief as Bo eventually shows up.  We don’t know why we worried so much.  It’s Bo.  He’d beat Robert DeNiro to death with Joe Pesci.  He reveals that, as a NYC Detective, he locked up Jimmy ‘The Gent’ Burke, the mastermind behind the Lufthansa deal.  Unfortunately, (Or fortunately for Bo) Jimmy died in jail. 

    “NOT FOR NOTHIN’ BO…BUT YOU GOT A BIG MOUTH ON YOU.”

    7:12:24 a.m. –  The I-Man says that he believes they should’ve let this old mobsters go.  That way he can be absolutely sure he won’t need Brant to start the Bentley for him.

    “DAMMIT!  NOW I NEED ANOTHER ESCALADE…OH YEAH…AND A DRIVER.”

    7:28:56 a.m. –  Bruce Jenner, apparently, is being considered for next season’s ‘Dancing With The Stars’.  We get the feeling that, when he does the Foxtrot, he won’t be the one who ‘leads’.

    BRUCE IN HIS BID TO JOIN THE LPGA

    7:36:30 a.m. – During a discussion of the use of the word ‘Thug’ to describe Richard Sherman, Lou Rufino actually uses the word ‘Indigenous’.   We’re not sure he knows what it means, but, not only are we impressed that he invoked the word…but he pronounced it correctly.

    IS THIS ‘VINNIE FROM QUEENS’?  OR SOME GAY VERSION OF ‘THE BRADY BUNCH’?

    (IMUS IS ALICE)

    7:45:37 a.m. – Vinnie from Queens. Bombshell.  The Red Sox will shave their beards for the 2014 Season.

    WHO KNEW THE RED SOX WERE AMISH?

    8:05:10 a.m. – Bo is back with more Mob stories.  He discusses how the original case was busted due to the remainder of a hand…that was ‘DNA-ized’, and that’s how the identity of the body part was discovered.  Note to self:  When disposing a body…make sure you use EXTRA lime.  And DON’T bury it in your backyard.  And NEVER forget…the hand is the easiest thing to identify. 

    WHOEVER CAN IDENTIFY THIS BODY...RAISE YOUR HAND

    8:33:06 a.m. – Our fearless leader, the GREAT Neil Cavuto is on…we don’t know why, and we don’t care.  We love him.  It’s a full-on man-crush.

    NEIL’S GRADE SCHOOL CLASS PHOTO

    8:38:56 a.m. – The I-Man mentions that he was asked not to say anything about some deal having to do with Fox Business, and, true to his word, he hasn’t.  Although he’s brought it up 5 times this morning, he hasn’t revealed what it is.  He has, however, been asked by everyone he meets in the hallways here at NewsCorp, what he thinks about the news…that he has refused to mention.  He asks Neil what the deal is with that.  Mr. Cavuto’s response?  “Like the Lufthansa caper…sometimes you just have to wait for the right time to see how things work out.”   Okay.  So…Kevin Magee WAS involved in the heist.

    KEVIN MAGEE…(DRIVING THE GETAWAY TOW VEHICLE) IN THE LUFTHANSA HEIST

    WE DON’T KNOW WHERE HE WAS ABLE TO HIDE IT.

    8:42:8:30 – The other shoe drops…The I-Man asks Neil if he had anything to do with the hiring of Maria Bartiromo… “Didn’t she peak in the ‘90’s?”   Classic I-Man.  Welcome Maria.  Fasten your seatbelt and wear a helmet.  It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

    MARIA GEARING UP FOR HER NEW GIG AT FOX BUSINESS

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN LIGHT OF THE LUFTHANSA HEIST, AND THE RECENT ARRESTS THEREIN,

    WE OFFER A COUPLE OF THE BEST SCENES FROM THE FILM IT INSPIRED:

    THE MARTIN SCORCESE CLASSIC

    “GOODFELLAS”

     

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eVqdnDk02Y 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_DwZfyXAXI

    Thursday
    Jan232014

    Some Guys Get All the Luck

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man appears relieved this morning.  It’s an unusual occurrence, he is almost ‘giddy’.  We find out that he did NOT get into any trouble at home last night, after the ugly ‘Blonde on Blonde’ incident with Deirdre.  The relief is so palpable, in fact, that he has decided he is going to bring up the same touchy subject during ‘The Mensa Meeting’ to see if he can “Dodge a bullet twice.”

    MISSED HIM BY THAT MUCH…

    WHY WOULD HE WANT TO PUT HIMSELF IN HARM’S WAY…AGAIN?

    6:06:12 a.m. – Imus has warmed our cockles this morning.  We have warm cockles now…and we never knew we even had cockles.  He says that someone told him that he surrounds himself with really nice people…especially Warner.  He then articulates how each of us is among the best people he knows. Aw gee….I-Man.  That’s sweet.  You’re also…um…you are…one of the people we know…

    AND HE HAS GREAT HAIR FOR A 73 YEAR OLD MAN

    6:16:32 a.m. –  The Boss wonders what he is politically.  He’s admittedly, a ‘Mixed Bag’.  It’s pretty hard to define when he supports positions from both sides…although if you want to know where he is at any given time, whatever is the most popular position is the one he will staunchly back.   It’s very difficult to put him in a box.  Well it is now, as he would be kicking and screaming, but…soon.

    “HEY DEIRDRE…DO YOU HEAR SOMETHING?”  “UM…NOPE.”

    6:25:34 a.m. – ANOTHER tedious ‘My Pillow’ spot.  This one is for the Pillow Topper, which is a mattress pad that, effectively, turns your bed into one giant ‘My Pillow’.  It’s like sleeping on an actual ‘My Pillow’.   Which is something that only Mike Lupica can literally do.

    M.C. LIL’ LUPY LU

    6:32:59 a.m. – We see footage of Mike Francesa from his very fine, and number one rating sport talk program on WFAN, where Mike goes through, item by item, the contents of the NFL SuperBowl Goodie Bag.  “Here’s some gloves…a pair of earmuffs….a bandana…” He devotes 10 minutes to this scintillating segment.  It’s marginally interesting on television, but REALLY sings on the radio.  We cut Mikey some slack, however, because he is one of the most loyal people on the planet.  And we love him.  But damn!  10 minutes trying to figure out how to work a pair of EARMUFFS?

    “WAIT A SECOND…WAIT A SECOND…WAIT A SECOND…IS THAT A BAG OF CHEESE DOODLES?”

    6:40:46 a.m. – AAA, Attorney Arthur Aidala is on to weigh in on the Amanda Knox trial, but winds up getting into a discussion with the I-Man about his hair.  He knows that both the I-Man AND Mike Francesa have fabulous hair, in fact, Francesa is so proud of his mane he will not even put a hat on it.  As opposed to the follicle challenged Aidala, who proudly rocks the bald head…like he’s Telly Savalas., dressed up like Yul Brynner for Halloween.  If ever there was a reason to wear a hat, Aidala would be it.

    COUNSELOR AIDALA WITH HIS NEW STAINLESS STEEL TOUPEE’

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Imus is concerned about Warner’s scar, which is left behind after our favorite Sportscaster’s recent Squamous Cell –ectomy surgery.  Warner says that he has a great Plastic Surgeon, Imus counters that whoever it is, he won’t be anywhere near as good as Dr. Lloyd Hoffman.  Who is the single greatest surgeon on the planet.  He’s also a full-on, Yarumulke Wearing, Orthodox Jew.  According to Imus, Dr. Hoffman is “Rockin’ that Beanie 24/7”.  Which means Warner couldn’t get his face done on a Friday.  At least after sundown.

    DR. HOFFMAN:

    “SOMETIMES, PLASTIC SURGERY CAN BE AS SHAKY AS…A FIDDLER ON A ROOF.”

    7:17:15 a.m. –  The I-Man, once again, has difficulty opening his peanut butter pouch from his Starbucks Bistro Box Protein Deal.   He has somehow not grasped the skill to tear the plastic pack at the convenient slit provided on said ‘Easy to Open’ pack.  Nat takes it, and instantly makes the peanut butter ready for the Boss to consume.  Show off.  Imus then says that when he squeezes his peanut butter, it doesn’t look appetizing.  Actually, the phrase, ‘Imus squeezing his peanut butter’ doesn’t SOUND all that appetizing either.  He says it looks like something his dog, Virgil, would leave on the Terrace.  Mmmmmm.  Dog Turds.  Not just for breakfast any more.

    “IT SEEMS THAT IF YOU CAN’T OPEN YOUR PEANUT BUTTER POUCH…THE PROTEIN BOX ISN’T HELPING ALL THAT MUCH.”  

    7:38:16 a.m. –  The Mensa Meeting.   Incredulously, the I-Man revisits the Cuomo statement.  He rolls the dice again, like a man standing at a gas pump holding a lit match.  He tempts fate…not satisfied with squeaking by un-scathed yesterday, and…  at this point, we’d have to say…he did it again.  Although, he’s not home yet…so we wouldn’t be buying any Lotto tickets before you see what awaits you back on CPW.

    SOME GUYS GET ALL THE LUCK

    8:05:02 a.m. – Imus chastises Rob for coughing…and says that ‘Coughing is emotional.’  At least, that’s what Deirdre and Wyatt tell him.  Mrs. Hank Snow maintains that whenever she walks into the room to ask the I-Man something…he starts coughing.  A not so subtle ruse to avoid having to listen to what she has to say.  We don’t think that’s the case with Rob.  If it were, he would’ve coughed up a lung by now.

    ROB’S EXCUSE

    8:12:24 a.m. – Imus makes a heartfelt testimony for “Camp New Joy”, an idea of  WABC Sales Manager, Rev. Jonathan Mason’s inspired by the Imus Ranch for Kids With Cancer.   The Rev wants to provide an environment in which young inner city youth are provided with positive role models amidst the beauty of nature. We will be doing a mini-radiothon for this worthy charity sometime soon.  Check it out at http://www.campnewjoy.org/

    CAMP NEW JOY: WE WILL BE RAISING SOME ‘SEED MONEY’

    8:15:30 a.m. – Warner is looking for a positive outcome after his plastic surgery…so are we.

    WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG FOR WARNER?

    8:17:34 a.m. – We’ll tell you what could possibly go wrong:  While reporting a story about           , Warner refers to ‘Under the money table.’   We think he means, ‘Under the table money.’  Although, when we think about it…when money is on a table…the table IS under the money.

    YEP.  THE TABLE IS DEFINITELY UNDER THE MONEY

    8:30:34 a.m. –  Connell reads the story about the Feds finally arresting the mobsters responsible for the Lufthansa Heist in ‘78.  Which, coincidentally, is about how old the mobsters responsible for the Lufthansa Heist are today.  Luckily for the Feds, the suspects did weren’t able to get far on foot.

     

    TOMMY D, VITO STOGIE, & TONY CHEESE

    8:45:09a.m. – John Stossel is on to discuss ‘Global Warming’, how New York City Tapwater doesn’t need to be filtered,  and how he ‘recreates’ by playing Beach Volleyball.  Like some hot chick in a bikini would let that guy stand behind her on the sand. 

    “I KNOW IT WAS A ‘NICE SHOT’, BUT YOU SLAP ME ON MY ASS ONE MORE TIME…”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    FOR THOSE OF YOU MISSED IT, WE PROVIDE AN EXAMPLE OF SOME OF THE MOST COMPELLING RADIO IN BROADCAST HISTORY

    (FORGET THE HINDENBURG…ALTHOUGH YOU MIGHT BE REMINDED OF IT…AS THIS IS ALSO A LARGE THING…GOING UP IN FLAMES)

    PAY PARTICULAR ATTENTION TO THE ‘CREDIT CARD HOLDER’, WHICH IS ACTUALLY ONE OF THOSE CARDBOARD BEVERAGE DEALS  YOU GET AT STARBUCKS SO YOU DON’T BURN YOUR FINGERS ON YOUR HOT DRINK

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDQZ3WXS10I 

    Wednesday
    Jan222014

    The I-Man's Philosophy

    6:05:10 a.m. –  Warner has a huge bandage on his right cheek.  Apparently he had some squamous cells removed from his face.  We’re glad he’s okay, but we have to admit that the wound does give him a little bit of street cred.  We try to convince him to answer questions about it with some cool story about him being jumped by a bunch of knife wielding punks.

    YOU SHOULDA SEEN THE OTHER GUY

    6:06:12 a.m. – Imus wonders what Frank Luntz would look like if he ‘Took off all that stuff.’  We believe…a Thumb.

    “THE LATEST POLLS REVEAL THAT PEOPLE PREFER MY THURSDAY HAIR OVER MY TUESDAY HAIR”

    6:16:32 a.m. –  Imus calls for a piece of video, and gets irritated that it doesn’t begin playing exactly when he calls for it.  He doesn’t understand why Hannity and O’Reilly can get their video to play instantly, and there’s always an interminable 2 second lag when he asks for it.   Maybe it’s because we ARE NOT ON TAPE, IT’S A LIVE SHOW AND BIGFOOT ISN’T A PSYCHIC.  Maybe.  We can’t be sure.  Whatever it is, it’s probably Rob’s fault.

    IF THERE WERE FEWER MONITORS, PERHAPS BIGFOOT COULD FOCUS

    6:27:34 a.m. – Starbucks isn’t open.  We are currently at I-Con 4.

    THE THREAT SCALE IN STUDIO G

    6:40:46 a.m. – Stuart defends the right to bear arms.  We believe that was that particular amendment that got you guys in trouble in the first place, wasn’t it?  If we didn’t have muskets, your ancestors could’ve stayed here and you wouldn’t be filing for citizenship.

    NEVER BRING A DRUM TO A GUNFIGHT

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Imus begins a sincere, measured and thoughtful statement about tolerance, gay rights, the horrors of autism and the culture of negativity that currently surrounds this country.  Suddenly, we begin hearing music in the background…Lou must’ve forgotten to keep one of the channels in ‘cue’.  The I-Man thinks he’s being given the ‘Wrap it up’ music that accompanies long acceptance speeches at awards ceremonies.  Of course, he’s wrong.  If that were the case, it would be a Delbert record.

    “AND I WANT TO THANK MY TEAM…AND EVERYBODY WHO HELPED ME ON THIS INCREDIBLE JOURNEY”

    7:17:15 a.m. –  As a result of Warner’s squamous cell surgery he reveals that he got twenty-five stitches in his cheek. The ‘Wolfman” may soon be known as Scarface. Warner has been trying out his fake Cuban accent all morning. The I-Man thinks that could be great for the two of them. Warner will get a lot more varied roles in upcoming movies, and Imus’ Latin audience will increase exponentially.

    “I GOT TWO THINGS IN THIS WORLD: MY BALLS AND MY WORD.  AND I DON’T BREAK THEM FOR NOBODY.”

    7:25:50 a.m. –  The I-Man has decided to take questions from Twitter, much as Sean Hannity did last night on his program with the Great Dagen McDowell.  The queries begin flooding in.  A few of them are actually quite pithy, the rest, surprisingly repetitious.  There are 75 thousand “Is that your real hair or did you pee through a straw?”  125 thousand “Who changes your Depends?” and 625 thousand “Just what is your f%^$ing problem?”  The answers are Yes, Deirdre and…none of your f%&$ing business.”

    IT’S DIFFICULT FOR THE I-MAN TO KEEP HIS VITRIOL TO 140 CHARACTERS

    7:41:09 a.m. – ‘Blonde on Blonde’ is particularly spirited today…we can tell because we can feel our testicles retreating up into our bodies.  The I-Man tweaks Deirdre and makes her feel that he is picking on her.  Good move, Cowboy.  Where you sleeping tonight?

    THE I-MAN ONCE SLEPT BEHIND A DRYER IN A LAUNDROMAT.  A SUBWAY GRATE IS ACTUALLY A STEP UP.

    8:17:34 a.m. – Speaking of subway grates, and the warmth they provide…The Boss is geometrically placed between two heaters, and yet, he says he’s still cold.  We understand why he feels that way.  Compared to hell, it is a  little chilly in the studio, but you need to keep the temperature low and slow when you’re making beef jerky.

    THE SIGN DOESN’T REFER TO THE DRIED BEEF SNACK

    8:20:40 a.m. – The I-Man is asked who he would pay to see in concert.  He rattles off a pretty heft list that includes Delbert, Dwight Yoakum, Kid Rock, Hayes Carll, and Van Morrison.  Then he is reminded that he would actually have to be in an audience at a concert among the Peeps.  The list then shrinks to …zero.  He wouldn’t even pay to see himself.

    NOT GONNA HAPPEN.  NOT EVEN FOR DELBERT.

    8:40:08 a.m. –  Carol Higgins Clark is in this morning.  The I-Man asks her, “What did you throw up for breakfast this morning?”   There IS such a thing as being ‘Too thin’.  But not, interestingly enough, ‘Too Rich.’  Which is why Mary Higgins Clark is still in the Sarcophagus down in Tom’s River, New Jersey.  Because she’s concerned Carol might push her in front of a bus.  In fact, she has somebody else start her Lil’ Rascal Scooter for her…you can’t be too careful.

    “JUST STAY STILL, MRS. HIGGINS-CLARK, AN AMBULANCE IS ON THE…WHAT?  CALL YOUR EDITOR?  …OHHHHKAY.  WHAT’S THE NUMBER?”

    9:05:10 a.m. – On the satellite feed monitor, we see Goldie Hawn being interviewed by Liz Claman in Davos.  It appears that somebody finally DID ‘Sock it to’ her.  Her lips are as swollen as inner tubes.  She looks like a Goldie Hawn Carp.  We don’t know what’s happened to her…Dagen chimes in with… “She’s had a lot of stuff shot in her face.”   Yeah, we know that, it’s Hollywood, she had to get her start somewhere…but what happened to her lately?

    GOLDIE HAWN.  BEFORE AND AFTER.  OOF.

    9:07:14 a.m. – Warner confesses to an incredulous I-Man that he accepted the pain medication that his doctor prescribed…which was over the counter Tylenol.  TYLENOL!  Not even TYLENOL WITH CODEINE!  The Boss breaks it down for him…yet again.  “First, exaggerate the level of pain you’re in.  I don’t care if it’s just an itch, you tell him you think you’re going to die.  Then, when the doctor starts to say ‘Ty…’  you cut him off and say… ‘The last time I had pain, the Doctor gave me something called…Perc…Perca…  Then you let the doctor fill in the blank, like you don’t know what you’re talking about.  He’ll say ‘Percocet’, and you say, ‘No, that stuff didn’t work AT ALL.  Then he gave me something called…Vi…Vi…vitamin?  He’ll say ‘Vicodin’?  And you say ‘I think that was it.  But they were BIG pills.  750 Milligrams.  I remember that, because it was the same number as the amount of pills he gave me.  Then you bring the bottle to me.  And I will keep them safe for you in case that Tylenol doesn’t take the edge off for you.”  This is why the I-Man has so many listeners and viewers.  You learn something every day.  Tomorrow’s lesson:  The Rush Limbaugh Method, or “How do I teach my maid enough English to get my doctor to give to give me another scrip?”

    DOSAGE TIP: WHEN THE PILL BOTTLE STARTS TALKING TO YOU, YOU’VE TAKEN ENOUGH.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    AL PACINO AS WARNER WOLF

    DISPENSING ADVICE ON HOW TO GET WOMEN

    VIA THE I-MAN’S PHILOSOPHY:

     

    “First you gotta get the money…then you get the power…then you get the women.”

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ORQJtxicrA