6:05:00 a.m. – Cody Ohl, Number Three Cowboy in the world won the match roping competition in San Angelo Texas this weekend…put an ass whuppin’ on the much younger, Number One in the World, Tuf Cooper. Cody was on the ‘Horse of the Year’, while Tuf decided to ride a 25 year old, incontinent, deaf horse with Parkinson’s. No wonder he lost.
CODY (L) SHOWED THE KID, (R) THAT HE AIN’T ALL THAT ‘TUF’
6:07:56 a.m. – “IHOP is the greatest restaurant ever.” The I-Man REALLY needs to get out of the house more often. He’s quite a gourmand. First it was The Olive Garden and Pizza Hut, now it’s the International House of Pancakes. Which, by the way, doesn’t just serve pancakes. They have “A Great Belgian Waffle…and hash browns…and there’s Cholula on the table!” Yeah, Boss…you think that stuff is good…you should try their Veal Parmagiana and Beef Stroganoff.
WHERE’S THE BACON? CHECK YOUR PANTS.
6:15:12 a.m. – On the topic of the NSA tapping Angela Merkel’s phone, the I-Man observes “World leaders are just like your friends. As soon as you leave the room, they’re talking about you.” “Oh my God, I can’t believe France is wearing a White Beret after Labor Day.” Spain is just jealous. Matador pants are NEVER in season.
6:25:34 a.m. – Warner ‘Got Jokes’ today. Which, as we’re sure you’re aware, is NEVER a good thing. He makes a pun at the expense of Cardinals’ pinch runner, Rookie Kolten Wong. The Hawaiian lad got picked off, clinching the win for the Red Sox. Warner’s take? “He ran the Wong way.” We told you it’s NEVER a good thing.
EVEN IF HE HAD A TWIN BROTHER, ‘TWO WONGS WOULD NOT MAKE A WIGHT.’
6:27:28 a.m. – I-Man relates a story about the ‘Fat Bastard’ sitting behind him at the Rodeo. The Boss counted the dude drinking TWENTY TWO BEERS. And smoked the whole time. Of course, Deirdre was thrilled with this behavior, which caused Imus to confront the dude and tell the Morbidly Obese Drunk that he was going to shove those cigarettes where the sun don’t shine. Oh, by the way, this all happened in an alternate universe. Apparently, Imus cut the Pesky Porker some slack because “He had a great laugh.” Well, you know what they say…fat people are jolly. Especially when they’re $#!&faced.
HAVE ANOTHER ONE, TINY, YOU HAVEN’T PEED YOURSELF YET
6:40:22 a.m. – The Great Bo Dietl is on, and is about to bust a blood vessel, which would make those new stents he had put in his heart a moot point. He’s exorcised because he believes the President is watching him on TV. We think our favorite Super Cop is having a Paranoiditation Delusionalization Situation. Obama is not watching him. His dog is. Because every time he hears the word ‘BO’, he thinks they’re talking about HIM.
“IS THAT OLD LESBIAN SAYING MY NAME? BECAUSE, I’M ABOUT TO TAKE A CRAPITATION SITUATION ON THE LAWN”
7:05:45 a.m. – Roy Cooper, he himself an 8 time world champion calf roper, and father of Tuf Cooper, the current reigning world champion…was wearing Mom Jeans. The I-Man says it looked like Roy was wearing a diaper. We know. We know.
ROY. SAY IT AIN’T SO, DUDE!
7:22:57 a.m. – Imus reveals that he was sitting in front of the fat, beer swilling smoking dude…while he was using his oxygen tank. There was a Wile E. Coyote, Roadrunner style Mushroom Cloud waiting to happen.
BETWEEN THE FAT BASTARD’S SMOKING, HIS BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL AND THE OXYGEN TANK, THE I-MAN ALMOST WOUND UP LIKE THIS
7:40:19 a.m. – Christopher, ‘Mad Dog’ Russo is on, discussing the firing of Dino Costa, one of the Broadcasters on his Sirius ‘Mad Dog Radio’ Channel. Apparently, Mr. Costa was an egomaniac who bad mouthed the company for not giving him a raise. At least Dino knows how to pronounce ‘Darth Vader’.
RUSSO INVOKING THE NAME OF THE ‘DARK LORD’ FROM STAR WARS…IS LIKE TOM BROKAW TRYING TO READ A LIMERICK ABOUT ‘LOUIS L’AMOUR’
8:05:33 a.m. – We’ve been looking for a song by ‘Elmo Bush’. Elmo Bush? From what we know about Elmo…apparently, he doesn’t like ‘Bush’. Which is one of the reasons why he’s being sued. The I-Man means Elmo Buzz.
TODD SNIDER AND ELMO BUZZ AND THE EASTSIDE BULLDOGS. THEIR LATEST ALBUM IS TITLED ‘S#!* SANDWICH’. INDEED.
8:12:12 a.m. – The I-Man always tips well. This weekend, at the International House of Pancakes, he gave the waiter a hundred dollars for a 19 dollar bill and told him to ‘Keep the change.’ That’s how he rolls. Like a movie star. The waiter burst into tears, and for the rest of the day, told everyone he had waited on Helen Hayes.
A 500% TIP…ONE OF THE MANY REASONS WHY THE I-MAN IS A LEGEND.
8:15:56 a.m. – Imus reads a Chamonix spot, for their eye cream, so the womens don’t have to have them ‘Chuck Hagel’ bags under their peepers, and there’s a letter from a satisfied customer who says Chamonix got rid of her bags…and the I-Man muses that “Too bad it can’t do anything for that fat ass you got.” He advises George Faltaous, the head of Chamonix to come up with some ‘Fat Ass Cream’. He calls it “Big Butt Butter”. They are going to make a BILLION dollars.
8:41:56 a.m. – Anthony Mason from CBS News talks music with the I-Man. Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix are the topics of discussion. Imus informs Mr. Mason that Jimi used to play guitar for Little Richard. And interestingly enough, Little Richard is the only one in Rock n’ Roll who DIDN’T have sex with Janis Joplin.
JANIS JOPLIN? SHUT UP!
9:11:37 a.m. – Imus has some advice for those who come up to him at the rodeo to give him a copy of their book, hoping he will do something with it. He will do something with it. He will throw it the hell out. He’s kind of like the literary version of a drug dealer. He doesn’t read books. He just sells books.
“YO YO. CHECK IT OUT. HUCKLEBERRY FINN. DON’T READ IT ALL AT ONCE…SAVE SOME FOR LATER. IT’LL HIT YOU HARD. ESPECIALLY THE PART WHERE THEY GO DOWN THE RIVER…”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
IN HONOR OF THE NEARLY FATAL, COYOTE/ROADRUNNER STYLE ACCIDENT THAT MIGHT HAVE TRANSPIRED AT THE RODEO WITH THE SMOKING DRUNK BASTARD AND IMUS’ OXYGEN TANK, WE OFFER THE FAMILY GUY’S TAKE ON THE CLASSIC RIVALRY BETWEEN THE ‘CANIS LATRANS’ AND THE’GEOCOCCYX CALIFORNIANUS’