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    Monday
    Jun172013

    Tiger's Dreadful Performance

    6:05:00 a.m. –   Despite the fact that the I-Man says he “Could NOT be in a worse mood”, the week gets off to a gleeful start, as he virtually… damn near audibly, ‘Kvells’ (Yiddish for ‘An over-abundance of delight’) over Tiger’s performance at the U.S. Open.  “When he got to 4 over par, I started rooting for 10 over…when he got to 10 over, I had a big old boner.”  As Woods finished at THIR-FREAKING-TEEN OVER, Mrs. Imus must be a very happy woman this morning. We suspect she can’t wait for the British Open.

    IF THE ‘WIDE WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS’ WAS STILL ON THE AIR…THIS WOULD BE THE CLIP THAT WOULD ACCOMPANY THE PHRASE ‘THE AGONY OF DEFEAT’  AH, SUCK IT UP, YA P*$$#!!!

    6:10:17 a.m. – During Connell’s very fine news report, a clip of former Vice President Dick Cheney weighing in on the Edward Snowden deal is played, prompting Imus to make the observation:  “He looks like the color of luggage.”

    THIS IS BAGGAGE YOU WOULDN’T MIND LOSING

    6:13:58 a.m. –   Tiger attempts to explain his dismal showing at the U.S. Open:  “I HIT THE BALL THE RIGHT DISTANCES, JUST NOT IN THE RIGHT AREAS.”  Yeah, well, Tiger, see…that’s the whole point of the game.  To get the ball in the right area.  Anybody can hit it the right distance.  The skill part of it is GETTING IT IN THE EFFING HOLE!  That’s like A-Rod saying, “I swung the bat, I just didn’t get it to connect to the ball.”  That’s like Kobe saying, “I bounced the ball off the backboard every time I shot…”   You wouldn’t want to be on an airplane that ‘Went the right distance’  but didn’t ‘Land in the right spot.’  

    “MISSED IT…BY THAT MUCH!”

    6:40:18 a.m. –   Bo Dietl is on to talk about the NSA spying controversy.  Bo has no problem with someone listening to his phone calls.  We tend to agree…who could understand him anyway?

    “WHAT THE HELL IS A ‘MUNCHATATION SITUATION’?”

    7:05:58 a.m. –   Warner saw Superman over the weekend, and has come to the conclusion that The Man of Steel, is Jewish.  He maintains that the ‘S’ on the chest of the costume is a ‘Chai’, which is the Hebrew letter that means ‘Life’.  Which means…if you’re on a train, and the bridge is out, and you are seconds away from hurtling into a ravine…if it’s after sundown on a Friday night…you’re basically…S.O.L.?   And by SOL we don’t mean the Jewish man’s name.  We mean ‘$#*^ OUT OF LUCK’. 

    7:11:24 a.m. –  We are beginning to gather some evidence that would serve to shed some light on why the I-Man is in such foul humor.  Somebody staying at the Ranch has parked their car in the middle of the road by the bunkhouse, and at 3 A.M., the Boss almost had an accident on his way to the studio…(despite the fact that he honked his horn, flashed his brights and gave the finger to the driverless vehicle.)  As if that brush with death weren’t enough, we learn that the Internet is down in Reader’s Digest New Mexico…so there is no way for the Boss to send his nasty emails or snippy texts to the minions of the ‘I-Nation’.   We don’t know if there’s enough money in the pool to continue paying Hughes Net of New Mexico to maintain the blackout, but…we enjoyed at least a blissful weekend of Cyber-Silence.  We are, however, considering a ‘Kickstarter’ campaign to see if we can’t squeeze another few days out before we go on vacation.

    ONE OF THESE GLOWING DOTS CONTAINS THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE: “MY THROAT HURTS…DO ANY OF YOU BASTARDS CARE?”

    7:16:57 a.m. –  Warner also goes on to say that he only went to see the movie was so he would be able to comment on it when Dagen, most certainly, would be doing a business story about it being the #1 Box Office Hit.   He ‘Took a Hit’ for the program.  Which means he sacrificed 2 ½ hours of his time…not take some blotter acid.

    WARNER ‘TAKES A HIT’ FOR THE PROGRAM: (Artist’s Rendering)

    “COME AWN…DON’T BOGART THAT JOINT!”

    7:39:17 a.m. – Anthony Mason is on to discuss Bob Schieffer’s brilliant Sunday Morning Rant about the NSA.  Imus asks Anthony if he has been following the Basketball Playoffs.  Mr. Mason reveals he’s not a big fan …which comes as a shock to us, considering the fact that he played for the NBA for 14 years.

    HE MIGHT NOT LOOK IT, BUT THIS GUY PROVES THAT

    “WHITE MEN CAN JUMP”!  * 

    7:49:11a.m. – The I-Man reveals that he received a Mont Blanc pen for Father’s Day.  Um…didn’t he give two Mont Blancs to Deirdre for…Mother’s Day?  Lucky for her he doesn’t remember.  We haven’t seen such seamless ‘Regifting’ since we passed off that Fruitcake to Aunt Dodie last Christmas.

    WITH THE INITIALS ‘D.I.’ ON IT, SHE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO GET IT RE-ENGRAVED

    8:11:12 a.m. – “Doesn’t Lou Dobbs seem as though he’s had a head injury?”  Bernie’s mentioning that Sarah Palin is returning to Fox, causes the I-Man to wax philosophical about various News Corp employees.   He LOVES Neil Cavuto, Sean Hannity,  Martha MacCallum and Megyn Kelly.   Dobbs, however, is not an I-Fave, but not because he’s had more lifts than a Jiffy Lube. Because he’s a moron.

    DOCILE…WOULDN’T HURT A FLY…HE DOES LOOK A LITTLE…SIMPLE, DOESN’T HE?  EVEN ‘TOUCHED’, PERHAPS?  WHATEVER THE CASE MAY BE, HE STILL DOESN’T THINK THAT THE U.S.A. SHOULD HAVE ALLOWED SUPERMAN TO TAKE UP RESIDENCY, AS…HE’S AN UNDOCUMENTED ALIEN

    8:29:34 a.m. –  During the briefing, the topic of ‘Ball Ironing’...a cosmetic surgery procedure that, essentially, undoes the wrinkles in a man’s scrotum.  George Clooney, apparently, has revealed that he had the process performed on his nugget pouch.   Imus surmises that it won’t be too long before WABC Radio’s Sales Manager, The Rev. Jonathan Mason, has one of these doctors on as a sponsor.  

    “THIS PORTION OF THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM, IS SPONSORED BY DR. MARK JENSEN, THE OFFICIAL ‘TACKLE TIGHTENER’ OF THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM.  MENTION THE WORD ‘IMUS’ AND GET 25% OFF A ‘SACK SMOOTHING’”

    8:40:17 A.M. -   Geri Willis is on to talk about the G8 Summit, but that isn’t what interests the I-Man.  He is more obsessed with what is, clearly, some major tension with her and Dagen.  Dagen has gone on record this morning, saying that she was looking forward to Ms. Willis’ appearance almost as much as she would the return of Real Housewife, (And Bona Fide B-Word) Bethenny Frankel.   An actual question from the interview, to illustrate he cares nothing about the topic, and only wants to fan the flames of resentment between the two co-workers:  “So…the G-8 is…us and seven other countries, right?”  Yes.  7 plus 1?  That would make 8.  “So like…the 3 Stooges…that would be…Moe and two other guys?”   Boy, nothing gets past the I-Man.

    C’MON, THERE’S NO ANIMOSITY BETWEEN THESE TWO LADIES!

     

    * Ordinarily, we wouldn’t feel the need to explain,  but for those of you who are not New York Knicks fans would not get the Anthony Mason reference…there are TWO famous people with that name.  One is an African American Basketball Player, the Other, a Prize Winning Journalist.    Neither of them are great interviews.

    ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF TWO FAMOUS PEOPLE WITH THE SAME NAME

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN LIGHT OF ‘MAN OF STEEL’ PULLING IN 125 MILLION AT THE BOX OFFICE THIS WEEKEND, AND WARNER’S SACRIFICING TWO AND A HALF HOURS OF HIS LIFE FOR THIS PROGRAM, (WHICH, CONSIDERING HOW HE REALLY DOESN’T HAVE THAT MANY HOURS LEFT, IS QUITE A SACRIFICE) WE OFFER ONE OF SUPERMAN’S BETTER MOMENTS

    (WHICH, OBVIOUSLY, DID NOT HAPPEN ON A FRIDAY NIGHT)

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xiwISrp1H4 

     

    Thursday
    Jun132013

    A Blind Judge, PT-9 and A Subaru

    6:05:00 a.m. –   The morning begins without incident.   There have been no slights inflicted upon the I-Man, no ‘Dry Cleaning Starch Issues’, no disrespect by online customer service operators, no whining sponsors or disloyal, low-rent, skunk guests trying to screw him.  He’s not complaining about his voice, back, neck, eyelashes, breathing or cramps in his legs. He even seems to be in a relatively good mood. We are VERY nervous.  Something’s horribly wrong.

    NO SWORD OF DAMOCLES OR SHOE ABOUT TO DROP FOR THE I-MAN

    6:07:07 a.m. –   Fortunately, as Connell is reading the news, we catch a glimpse of the I-Man briefly taking off his cowboy hat to scratch his head…and WE find something to complain about.  What the #$%^ is up with his hair?   Did he get it styled by those forest fires out West?  We hope he doesn’t take the hat off ON the air, the audience might never recover from the image of what looks like a Badger’s Butt he’s rockin’ on the top of his head.

    WE’RE NOT SURE WHAT THIS BADGER IS DOING TO THAT COFFEE MUG…BUT WE’RE ALSO NOT SO SURE WE WANT TO KNOW…BUT SOMEBODY SHOULD’VE HAD A TIGHTER GRIP ON THAT LEASH

    6:13:58 a.m. –   Warner does a story that’s only two days old…the on-field brawl between the Dodgers and the Angels…but fortunately, he gets the details right and so we don’t have to employ a fact checker.  Just like the I-Man…we are worried about Warner too.  What the hell is going on this morning?

    THE VERY HANDSOME AND DELIGHTFULLY AMUSING WARNER WOLF AND HIS BEAUTIFUL WIFE, SUE, ENJOYING AN ALFRESCO SUNDAY BRUNCH.    BETWEEN THIS SWEETLY ADORABLE SCENE AND THE WILD, UNBRIDLED BACCHANAL THAT IS THE NIGHTLY ‘JEOPARDY’ VIEWING, THIS IS A LIFE WE WISH WE WERE LIVING.

    6:40:18 a.m. –   Ed Henry is on to discuss the State Department Scandal, and the NSA leaks.  The I-Man makes an attempt to ‘sandbag’ Mr. Henry, and bring him down to our level…okay…we feel better now…THAT’S the Boss we know and love.   We call over to St. Patrick’s and cancel the Post-Show Exorcism.

    SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE I-MAN DOESN’T SLEEP WITH HIS ‘MY PILLOW’?

    7:39:17 a.m. – The ‘Mensa Meeting’.  First topic of discussion, the Chad Johnson court appearance, and the hot Judge, Kathleen McHugh, who, of course, is the object of Gunz’s obsession.  As it turns out, he might actually have a shot with Her Honor…as, apparently, she’s legally blind.  That is, as long as he keeps his mouth shut.

    “HERE COME DA JUDGE…HERE COME DA JUDGE…ORDER IN THE COURTROOM, HERE COME DA JUDGE!”  (WITH APOLOGIES TO ‘PIGMEAT’ MARKHAM)

    7:43:12 a.m. –  From there, the topic of discussion degenerates to ‘Handwashing After Urinating In a Public Toilet’  (A natural segue’, if there ever was one. ) Gunz, not surprisingly, makes the observation that for a man to scrub up after he has had his hands on his genitals is unnecessary, as it’s only skin.  Right Gunz, unless of course, in your case, the gentleman puts his hand in FRONT of the stream.

    AN UNNECESSARY SIGN…AS THERE IS NO SINK HERE ANYWAY

    8:02:34 a.m. –  The I-Man questions Dr. Bill Evans’ choice of vehicle.  “Why a Subaru?  Why not a BMW or a Benz?”  Dr. Bill says that he has about 5 vehicles, but unfortunately, as he has a number of kids who drive, he gets stuck with the beater car.  Obviously, the Doc has a very skewed view of how a family dynamic is supposed to work.  The father is ALWAYS King of the Castle, the Head Honcho, the Leader… the one with all the power and control and should be treated with the respect and deference he rightly deserves…as long as his wife is okay with that.  

    THIS IS A ‘NO P-WHIPPED ZONE’…ISN’T THAT RIGHT, HONEY?

    8:05:45 a.m. –  Imus informs Connell, in one of his legendary ‘Pep Talks’, that he is doing an ‘Adequate Job’ in reading the commercials for him as his voice heals.  He tells the Hunky Headline Newsman that he needs to “Sell the stuff!”  Connell, obviously, is a neophyte when it comes to the lexicon necessary to perform the task.  For instance, when reading a PT-9 Spot…McShane needs to employ the phrase:  “Get some hope in your rope”…he is not utilizing the word ‘Weiner’ NEARLY enough.

    “WITH PT-9, YOU’LL NEED BOTH HANDS AT THE URINAL…”

    8:18:45 a.m. –  In reporting on American Airlines adding more seats, (and thus less room) on it’s planes, Dagen suggests it might not necessarily be a bad thing…and then it becomes ‘French Language Lesson’ time with Ms. McDowell.  Who correctly uses the word ‘Frottage’.  Leave it to her to know a definition like that.  It has something to do with…well, let’s put it this way:  If Hamlet were to ride the subways there would be an additional meaning to the phrase ‘Ay, there’s the rub’.   This practice would, effectively, be a side effect of American Airlines’ new policy.   We, on the other hand, thought ‘Frottage’ was “An egg-based dish similar to an omelet or crustless quiche.”    

    “HOLY INAPPROPRIATE RUBBING TO GAIN SEXUAL GRATIFICATION, BATMAN!”

    8:40:17 A.M. -  I-Fave, Bret Baier is on.  Bret tells the I-Man “We can talk about anything you want to talk about.”   Uh oh, Brett.  That’s like tossing your car keys to Billy Joel.  You don’t want to leave an open invitation like that hanging in the air…

    A PHOTOGRAPHIC SUGGESTION OF WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IF, BILLY JOEL WERE TO LOSE HIS DRIVER’S LICENSE…(AS WELL HAS HIS SELF-DISCIPLINE)

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    ON THE TOPIC OF ‘YOU GOT TO SELL THE STUFF:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCe895fRny8

     

    Wednesday
    Jun122013

    It's Always About You!

    6:05:06 a.m. –   Yesterday was not a good day, according to the I-Man.  First, the smoke from THREE separate forest fires is making the already difficult process of his drawing breath that much more complicated; Wyatt was complaining that his father ‘SUCKS’ as a Rodeo Coach, and, as if that wasn’t enough, when commenting to his wife about how he thinks his hair has gotten ‘wiry’, Deirdre did a wig out on The Boss.  “IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!!!!”  she screams.  She’s known Imus for over 20 years…and she’s JUST NOW figured that  out?  

    THE COUPLE IN ‘HAPPIER TIMES’  THE I-MAN LOOKS PARTICULARLY HAPPY…THE KIND OF HAPPY THAT YOU FIND IN THE BACK OF A ‘SHORT BUS’.  JESUS, PUSH THAT HAT UP, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE ABOUT TO EAT PASTE

    6:11:22 a.m. – Glen, a cameraman out at the Ranch, says that one of the forest fires is pretty close to Ribera…about “Eight miles as the crow flies.”   Which, traditionally, is a Crow’s preferred method of transportation.  However, the fires would be about “Eleven miles, as the crow drives.”  But, if the crow were riding in the back of a limo driven by Brant, it would seem to be about 368 miles away, and take a day and a half to reach.

    HOW FAR WOULD IT BE AS SHERYL CROW DRIVES?

    6:17:58 a.m. –  Warner shares a ‘Turkey Story’.  Of course, only Warner would actually HAVE a ‘Turkey Story’.  It involves the ancient Turkish city Ephesus, where there were outdoor commodes festooned with…marble toilet seats.  Of course, as they were exposed to the elements, said seats were, understandably, quite ‘chilly’.  This situation created a need for a very specific job position:  ‘Toilet Seat Warmer’.  We realize that everybody needs to start ‘At the bottom.’  But serving as an actual ‘Bottom’, really would be considered an ‘entry level position’.  This, of course, begs the question:  “Who were the guys who WEREN’T experienced enough to get this particular job?”

    THIS GUY MAY ACTUALLY BE OVERQUALIFIED

    6:40:18 a.m. –   Mike Baker, former Covert Op for the C.I.A., is on from Idaho.  Why Idaho, you ask?  Well, we don’t think it has to do with his fondness for potatoes.  We suspect that the supposedly ‘Whereabouts Unknown’ Edward Snowden, the NSA Whistleblower, may have been sighted somewhere near Boise.  The I-Man asks Mike what his plans are for the day…there at the ‘compound’.   Baker replies, “Nothing…just a couple of interrogations…and then I have to reset the mines.”

    SOMEWHERE IN THE ‘RED ZONE’, ARE ED SNOWDEN AND MIKE BAKER.  ONLY ONE OF THEM, HOWEVER, WILL BE RETURNING FROM THE AREA

    7:07:58 a.m. –   In discussing the Miami Heat’s Chris Bosh’s poor performance at the NBA Finals game last night, Imus wonders if Mr. Bosh’s shooting trouble is due to his somewhat fragile mental state, given Lil’ Wayne’s assertion that he ‘Hit that’…the ‘that’ being Bosh’s wife.  The other possibility is the fact that Bosh is a six foot eleven inch Center, who wishes he were a clean seven feet.   Imus asks the four foot eleven Warner Wolf, “If you’re six eleven, wouldn’t you want to be seven feet?”   Warner’s expert take?   “I think that one inch makes a difference.”    We assume the Wolfman is talking about the height, and not…um…Mr. Bosh’s…length.    

    IN POINT OF FACT, WE THINK IT MAY BE THOSE PANTS LIL’ WAYNE IS WEARING THAT ARE BREAKING CHRIS BOSH’S CONCENTRATION

    7:20:13 a.m. – Warner has Bigfoot roll a clip of National Intelligence Director James Clapper answering a question from Oregon Senator Ron Wyden in front of a Senate Sub-Committee about the NSA spying on Americans.  The F.B.I. course that Warner took about this very subject taught him that the three telltale signs that a person is lying are ‘Eyes cast downward’, ‘Unsure of hand placement’, and ‘Immediately Changing Answers From Previously Made Statements’.   And, in the clip, Clapper displays EVERY SINGLE ONE of these signs.  In fact, his answering the question could EASILY be used to demonstrate the F.B.I. profiling technique. 

    UM…DIRECTOR CLAPPER?  LOOK UP, BRO.  AND YOU MIGHT WANT TO HOLD A PEN OR SOMETHING SO IT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO PULL THE TRUTH OUT OF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD

    7:39:17 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde.  Or, as we like to call it, “A Coupla White Girls, Sitting Around Arguing About NOTHING.”  One of the topics up for discussion today, incredulously, is PLACENTA EATING.   Really?  PLACENTA EATING?   We’re trying to have breakfast.  We’re actually surprised that Deirdre is in favor of placenta eating.  Which we find ironic, as it’s not vegan.  Let’s get this straight…she won’t even THINK of eating a Bacon Cheeseburger…but the organ that separates a fetus from the uterine wall…that’s what she calls lunch?  Well, never it be said that we are resistant to progressive ideas, in the interest of widening our horizons we offer the following recipe from ‘The Placenta Cookbook’.

    Spaghetti Sauce:
    Remove Placenta from fetus.  Cut meat of 3/4 of the placenta into bite size pieces, then brown quickly in 1 tbl. butter plus 1 tbl. olive oil. Then add 1 large can tomato puree, 2 cans crushed pear tomatoes, 1 onion, 2 cloves of garlic, 1 tbl. molasses, 1 bay leaf, 1 tbl. rosemary, 1 tsp. ea. of salt, honey, oregano, basil, and fennel. Simmer 1 1/2 hours.  Serve over Pasta, accompanied by an ice cold glass of Mother’s Milk.  

    EXCUSE US, BUT…WE HAVE TO GO URP NOW

    8:05:34 a.m. –  Imus mentions that James Carville was on O’Reilly last night and that Bill was ‘polite’ to Mary Matalin’s Old Man.  Well, if you had Carville two feet away from you, you’d tread lightly too. 

    WHAT DID SHE EVER SEE IN HIM?  WELL, ALL WE CAN SAY IS, THAT MUST’VE BEEN ONE HELLUVA RING THAT HE GAVE HER

    8:06:45 a.m. – Dr. Bill Evans challenges the I-Man to a car race.  The Meteorologist’s Subaru versus the Imus Custom Ford F-150.   How ‘WeatherBoy’, actually thinks that his Rice Suckin’ $#*+-box Subaru is going to take a checkered flag away from 5586 pounds of Iconic, All-American, 311 Horse, 6.2 Liter, Detroit Steel…is anybody’s guess.  He’ll be choking on V8 Exhaust worse than the I-Man is choking on the Forest Fire Smoke.

    JAMES DEAN’S GOT SOME ADVICE FOR YA, DR. BILL:

    “WATCH OUT FOR THE CLIFF”

    8:40:17 A.M. -  Frank Rich is on to speak to the aforementioned NSA Scandal, and it’s Frank’s contention that we all are aware that we are being spied on…for instance, you might notice that when you go to Google Search, the Pop Up ads for Penis Enlargement are an indication that ‘somebody’ is monitoring your Internet Research Habits.   (Unless your wife has been using your computer without your knowledge, in which case, give the girl a break, she’s just trying to be ‘helpful’)  Imus then asks Frank if he watched the Tonys the other night.  Frank says he had to, as ‘Penance’ for his many years as the New York Times Theater Critic.   Which, truth be told, COULD be the reason why when HE is on Google Search, there are Pop Ups for Assless Leather Chaps and Gladiator Movies.

    “HONEY, HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER AGAIN?”

    9:05:17 a.m. - The I-Man takes Rob and Tony to task for not ‘Getting with the program.’  All morning, he has wished Marv Albert a ‘Happy Birthday’, noting that Marv is 72 years of age today…but his hair is ‘6’.   The two overpaid bastards did not laugh at the joke, as they had done the previous two times he told it.  Of course, radio and television audiences for any morning show rotate approximately every twenty minutes, so there was a large part of the demographic who had not, as of yet, heard the joke. And, without Rob and Tony’s support, they might have been led to believe it was funny. They left the I-Man ‘Hanging’…yet again, screwing him…as they do nearly every chance they get.  Rob, in a cheap attempt to get the Boss to plug his date at the New York Entertainment Club in Bellmore, Long Island on Saturday, June 22nd, (Tickets available at 516  785-4234) assures The Boss that the joke was indeed HILARIOUS, and he was deeply sorry for dropping the ball.

    ROB: CLEARLY TELLING THE TRUTH

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    From ‘COMING TO AMERICA’

    Eddie Murphy Is ‘Left Hanging’, Not Unlike the I-Man

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C31H3OULMmo

     

    Tuesday
    Jun112013

    Delbert McClinton is Here!

    6:05:00 a.m. –  DELBERRRRRRRRT!!!!!   Today is what is traditionally known as everybody’s FAVORITE day.  The GREAT Delbert McClinton is in with his old pal, Glen Clark, to promote their new record, ‘Blind, Crippled & Crazy’; which is the second greatest album title of all time, next to ‘Fat, Ugly and Stupid’, which could be the title of Rob’s next album. 

    JOSE FELICIANO, FDR, ANNE HECHE: ‘BLIND, CRIPPLED & CRAZY’

    6:10:17 a.m. –  Warner Wolf, on assignment, went to see the new movie about Morton Downey Jr., ‘Evocateur’…and, apparently, he didn’t think it was all that ‘Evocative’. In a 61 seat theater, Warner represented 95% of the audience.  Not exactly going to be any Box Office Competition for ‘Purge’.  Warner didn’t think Downey’s story warranted a 90 minute feature length film, as “He only had a two year career…87 and 89.”   Um…what happened to 88?  He go on hiatus?  We think Warner meant 87 TO 89.  But, as Warner IS 89, we forgive him for the mixup.

    WE AGREE WITH WARNER…TOO MUCH OF THAT,

    COULD NEVER BE A GOOD THING

    6:13:58 a.m. –   Kevin Magee emailed Imus to ask “What’s the matter?”  He’s referring to the I-Man’s leaving at 9 A.M. yesterday morning, but Imus wonders if Mr. McGee even WATCHES the program, as it was clear that he was battling his post-surgical voice issues. The Boss responded with one of his friendly, corrective emails, which, according to Dagen, was so long, it had a ‘Table of Contents’.  Tony observed that it probably came over the ‘net “In installments.”  A quick browse through the index, you’ll notice the word ‘Moron’ factors in approximately eleven hundred times.  However, a very remorseful and repentant Mr. Magee sent an appropriately contrite, apologetic email, insuring the I-Man that he is among his biggest fans…and also sent him a Brandy Decanter as a peace offering.

    A PRINTED TRANSCRIPT OF IMUS’ REPLY TO THE MAGEE EMAIL

    6:21:18 a.m. –   Warner has been looking particularly ‘Yummy’ lately, a fact that Imus brings to the Sportscasting Legend’s attention.  He wants to know Warner’s secret.  It is revealed that Mr. Wolf is using ‘Gel’ in his hair.  Who would have thunk it?  One of the most iconic voices in Sports Broadcasting history would wind up as a short, Jewish… Don Johnson.

    WARNER AND TONY…READY TO FIGHT CRIME

    7:02:58 a.m. –   Bigfoot plays a clip of Neil Cavuto from the other night, in which, ‘Don’ Cavuto virtually ‘Goes to the Mattresses’ in a disagreement with          Liberal Commentator, Julian Epstein.   We have never seen ol’ Neil go so full on Ape Dookie at anybody, but he made DeNiro’s Al Capone Baseball Bat Scene in ‘The Untouchables’ look like a clip from a Winnie the Pooh movie.  But is always the case with Mr. Cavuto, we learned something.  Oh yeah… BIG time.  You know what we learned?  ‘Don’t ever get Neil Cavuto mad.’

    “DOES NEIL CAVUTO HAVE TO…SLAP A BITCH?”

    7:06:57 a.m. –  Warner poses a hypodermical question:  “What would happen  if Chi Chi Williams married Mo Cheeks?   Well, she would be known as ‘Chi Chi Cheeks’.   An oldie, but a goodie, and one, apparently the I-Man heartily enjoyed when Warner first did it, back in the 70’s.  Of course back then, Imus was high on Vodka and Cocaine, which, of course, makes EVERYTHING funny. 

    WE CAN SEE WHERE, UNDER THE INFLUENCE, YOU MIGHT HALLUCINATE SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE THIS

    7:11:38 a.m. –  In a promo for the Geraldo Rivera program that aired on WABC radio, Mr. Rivera wonders if it would be considered ‘snooping’ if one were to look at their spouse’s Cell Phone or Blackberry.   If married to “Serial Groom” and Ladies Man Geraldo Rivera, it would NOT be considered ‘snooping’.  We believe it would fall into the category titled ‘Mandatory’.

    “HEY…HOW YOU DOIN’?   WHAT’S YOUR SIGN?  I’M A FECES, WITH A PENIS RISING”

    7:39:17 a.m. –  The woman with the most carefully pronounced name in history, Anna-Sigga Niccolazzi is on, (Or, as we like to call her, ‘Oh Please God, Don’t Let This Old Bastard Slip Up And Get Us In Trouble Again) to discuss the NSA spying controversy and the Treyvon Martin case.  But what we’re most interested in is what SHE thinks of Paul Simon’s ‘Graceland’ album.  She says it’s “One of the most seminal records in Rock n’ Roll History.”   Anna-Sigga…please!

    MS. NICCOLAZZI AT A RECORDING SESSIO OF THE ‘GRACELAND’ ALBUM

    7:43:12 a.m. –  Imus makes the observation that Kim Jong Un  “…looks a little like Cavuto, doesn’t he?”  Well, now that you mention it…    He’s just as, …dare we say, possibly even MORE crazy, that’s for sure.

    SIAMESE TWINS?  WELL…NO, ONE IS KOREAN

    8:12:34 a.m. – Connell reads a spot for ‘Dr. Park Avenue’, one of our radio sponsors.  Aside from the fact that the Plastic Surgeon has one of the most interesting names in Medical History, he is, apparently, quite adept at Face Lifts, Breast Enhancements and Lipo…which can all be performed in ONE day, AND as an outpatient.  This dude is the ‘Jiffy Lube’ of Cosmetic Surgery.  He also offers, what he calls, a ‘Vampire Face Lift’.   So in addition to being a ‘Fat Sucker’, he’s also a ‘Blood Sucker’.

    THE COUNT COULD DEFINITELY USE A LITTLE…BOTOX…AND SOME SUN…WELL, MAYBE NOT SUN, AFTER ALL, HE IS A VAMPIRE, BUT PERHAPS JUST A TOUCH OF SPRAY-ON BRONZER, FOR SURE

    8:18:45 a.m. –  Imus mentions that he is going to stay past 9 AM even if he is coughing up blood.  Promises, promises.

    THE I-MAN STICKS IT OUT (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    8:40:17 A.M. -  Delbert bangs out a couple more tunes, and demonstrates the reason why there are ELEVEN of his songs on the I-Man’s 12 hour rodeo playlist.  More than ANY other artist, The Beatles, The Stones, Elvis, Fats or Little Richard combined.   More than Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods, and, let’s face it, those are the guys who did “Billy, Don’t Be a Hero.”

     DELBERT N’ GLEN 

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Because, we are of the mind that…too much of Delbert…is a very good thing.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7tFeVLNH5E

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUA2C8H441E

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pv6Emsp_WSc

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgcH_--nkac

     

    Monday
    Jun102013

    Paul Simon and Graceland

    6:05:00 a.m. –  Another summer at the Imus Ranch for Kids With Cancer begins…the I-Man, firmly ensconced in his studio in New Mexico, is 2 hours behind us, yet another brick in a load that features 6000 foot altitude and smoke from the wildfires in New Mexico.  Nature, it seems, has conspired to make it as difficult as possible for The Boss to do his program for his millions of fans.  Add to that a post-surgical gravelly voice, the fact that he can’t breathe, he’s getting no sleep, PLUS there is an on-air ‘delay’ between him and us, and we have a potential ‘Defcon 5’ situation here.  Tony starts an ‘Over/Under’ on how long it will be until Imus has a meltdown.  We are shocked.  It is 6:05 he’s still calm and collected.  We take this as a sign that it’s going to be a very good summer.

    WHEN THE BOSS AIN’T HAPPY…AIN’T NOBODY HAPPY

    6:10:17 a.m. –  Reflecting on the Tony Awards last night, (Which, incredulously, the I-Man chose to watch INSTEAD of the NBA finals) Imus makes the observation that all the guys on Broadway look like…Connell McShane.  Mr. McShane resents what Imus clearly intended to be a compliment…because focusing on his well-groomed appearance, it diminishes his proficiency at singing and tap dancing.     Anyone who saw McShane starring in his Broadway Debut can attest…he…is…FABULOUS!

    “TRIPLE THREAT”, CONNELL MCSHANE

    WHEN HE SANG ‘I AM WHAT I AM’…THERE WASN’T A DRY SEAT IN THE HOUSE.

    6:13:58 a.m. –   The Boss asks Tony about the new documentary on PBS commemorating the 25th anniversary of Paul Simon’s controversial ‘Graceland’ album.  He asks Tony / ‘Jesse Jackson’ for his thoughts on the matter, but Tony isn’t sure if the Boss wants him to weigh in seriously as himself, or provide perspective as the Right Reverend. Tony knows what it’s like to be Schizophrenic…he’s effectively become TWO people…who don’t know what the hell the I-Man is talking about. 

    “JUST TELL THE DOG TO STOP TALKING TO ME.”

    6:40:18 a.m. –   Bo Dietl is back, and before he goes on, mentions that he will be shooting an episode of ‘Boardwalk Empire’, where he will portray a ‘cop’.  Really stretching his acting muscle there.  Rob, an accomplished actor, trained in theater and the Meisner method… can’t even get an audition.  But he’s not envious at all…he’s actually very happy for his friend Bo.  Although he is beginning to think that he would’ve been better served had he not spent years studying his craft at the Joanna Beckson studios, and just taken the civil service test to enroll in the Police Academy. 

    BO REFUSES TO BE TYPECAST

    7:02:58 a.m. –   The Boss decides that he’s not going to tell Dr. Bill Evans that he’s out at the ranch, and we want to see how long it takes for the Weather Dope to figure it out.  Apparently, he CAN, as he uses the Doppler Radar to keep track of Imus.  Not that Dr. Bill has a Rupert Pupkin like obsession with the I-Man, despite the fact that he has a ‘shrine’ in his basement, with a life –size cardboard cut out, subway posters from his days back at WNBC, and newspaper clippings taped to the walls, with all the eyes scratched out… “It puts the lotion on the basket, or it gets the hose again…”

    DR. BILL’S ‘RUMPUS ROOM’

    7:06:57 a.m. –  Because we have a green screen of the Unilever General Store out at the Ranch behind Connell, Imus believes that McShane is actually out there in New Mexico.  Time to hit the Oxygen tank, Boss.  You’re hallucinating again.   Dagen’s not outside the Maintenance Barn either.

    CONNELL DOING THE NEWS FROM…THE FOX BUSINESS STUDIOS

    7:11:38 a.m. –  Imus compliments Warner on his hair, that, apparently, he’s growing it out, giving the diminutive sportscaster a carefree insouciance, that belies his seriousness.   The I-Man removes his hat to show off HIS hair.   Holy $#*^!!!  He looks like Professor Irwin Corey.

    PLEASE PUT THE HAT BACK ON, I-MAN

    7:39:17 a.m. – Michael Riedel tells Imus that he heard the Starched Jeans episode from last week, and mentions that it was very “Tony Awardish of you”, implying that the Boss might be, in the tradition of Musical Theatre Chorus Boys, a little ‘Light in the Cowboy Boots’.  Imus defends the practice that “All the Cowboys do it.”  Yeah, that’s the way to defend your manhood…use a guy who wears leather chaps as a reference.  And, by the way, there WAS a cowboy in the Village People.  We’re not saying…we’re just saying.

    MMMM….HMMMM.  THOSE ARE SOME ‘KINKY BOOTS’ 

    7:43:12 a.m. – Mr. Riedel and Mr. Imus have a lengthy discussion about the Tonys, the most annoying part of which, according to the Boss, is how everybody screams every song.  Warner, in a hushed, near stage whisper observes… “Yes…too much screaming.”  Once again, Warner with his finger on the pulse of what’s going on…unfortunately, neither Michael or the I-Man hear him.  Because they’re screaming at each other.

    JESUS!  STOP YELLING!!!!

    8:12:34 a.m. –  Connell reports that there is a plan to provide the Syrian Rebels with ‘Lethal Aid’.  Imus mishears McShane, and observes that it sounded as if Connell said “Legal Aid…with a speech impediment.”  Of course, if the Syrians were to use the LETHAL aid, they might find a need for some LEGAL aid.   

    “NO, DAMMIT!  I  SAID ‘LETHALAID…NOT  LEGAL AID!”

    8:15:45 a.m. –  An excited I-Man informs us that he is ’12 Across’ in today’s New York Times Crossword Puzzle.  We don’t have a copy of the paper, so we can only speculate what the clue could be:   “Obsessive Compulsive, Attention Deficient, Radio Host With Troubling Fixation On The Paul Simon Album ‘Graceland’.”   Either that or “Cowboy A-Hole”.

    8:21:45 a.m. –  Warner reports on a demonstrator  at the French Open who enlisted the aid of a flare to make his point.  Apparently, he was protesting France’s position on their legalization of Same Sex Marriage and Gay Adoption.  Of course, the fact that had something on fire in his hand was an irony that, apparently, was lost on him.

    THE TORCH ISN’T THE ONLY THING THAT’S ‘FLAMING’ ON THIS FLOAT

    8:40:17 A.M. -  I-Fave, Juan Williams is on to discuss the NSA spying on our phone conversations, challenging our Civil Liberties and the Constitutional Ramifications of Security vs. Personal Privacy…but of course, that’s thrown out in favor of the I-Man wanting to know what he thinks of the 25th Anniversary of the ‘Graceland’ album.  Juan, apparently, is a fan of it.  In fact, ‘You Can Call Me Al’ is on his 5 Favorite Song’ list.  Apartheid notwithstanding, after an entire morning of trying, Imus has finally found someone who not only listens to, but actually enjoys the record.  It’s a shame we can’t get Nelson Mandela on the phone…but the doctors at the hospital have informed Bernie that, as he remains in ‘Serious Condition’ due to a Lung Infection, Mr. Mandela is not taking any calls this morning.

    “IMUS SAID…WHAT?  PAUL SIMON?  GRACELAND?  IS HE OUT OF HIS MIND?”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Get your dancing shoes on.  We know you’re sick of it already, only because he’s been talking about it ALL MORNING, but…the Old Man likes it.  And, you have to admit, it IS a KILLER record.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uq-gYOrU8bA