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    Wednesday
    Aug212013

    The Genius That Was Elmore Leonard

    6:05:00 a.m. –     Dagen is not here this morning…she texted Connell this morning at 5:15 a.m., informing him that she, apparently, ran into a cabinet door.  At least that’s the story she’s going with.  We, however, surmise that her husband, Rollo, is somehow involved, and that there was some confusion over the changing of the ‘safe’ word.

     THAT’S…GONNA LEAVE A BRUISE

    6:06:11 a.m. –  There is more bad news.  Sadly, the GREAT Elmore Leonard passed away yesterday at the age of 87, from complications after a stroke.   There are few fiction writers as prolific or as skilled as ‘Dutch’.  Charles Dickens was an illiterate Douche Nozzle compared to Elmore.

    ELMORE LEONARD

    OCTOBER 11, 1925 – AUGUST 20, 2013

    6:11:56 a.m. –  The I-Man wants sponsors to know that, if you offer a ‘Money Back Guarantee’, you better give up the money, Sonny.  There are some businesses, however, that do not offer this particular promise.  Like…your Coke dealer, for example.

    UNFORTUNATELY, THEY DON’T SUBSCRIBE TO THIS POLICY AT THE ESCORT SERVICE

    6:22:12 a.m. – Joe Tacopina has turned down our request to be on the program. Apparently, he was offended when he was cancelled the last time he was scheduled, and, according to the I-Man, is ‘In a snit’.   We would sue him but…we would need him to represent us in the suit.  Which would technically be what you would call a ‘Conflict of Interest’.

    LOOK AT THOSE EYES.  THIS IS NOT A MAN WHO YOU WANT TO BE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF

    6:29:12 a.m. –  In the Lindsay Lohan / Oprah Winfrey Interview, The Big O asks if Lindsay’s behavior was ‘A Cry For Help.’  Which causes the I-Man to wonder, “Why don’t these people just cry…Help?”

    JUST WHAT, EXACTLY,  IS LINDSAY LOHAN  TRYING TO SAY HERE?

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Stuart Varney is on, which is always good for a few laughs, in that, you can usually count on the stuffy Brit to lose his mind over something or other.  This week, it was a College Tour he took over the weekend, which caused him to rail about the practice of ‘Cocooning’ our children, keeping them from going out into the real world to make contributions to society.   Um…has he been with any College Age kids lately?  Obviously not…as these are the LAST people you’d want to trust out in the real world…the best contribution they can make is to STAY IN SCHOOL.

    CASE CLOSED

    7:06:45 a.m. –   Imus is still hurt by the Tacopina snubbing.  Joe is a client of the   I-Man’s…as well as Wyatt’s, as he was the attorney who represented the young lad in the legendary ‘Ritzy Canine’ case…in which, he was able to shutter the doors of a Pet Boarding Business for losing the Wy-Man’s beloved pooch, Lucinda.    Imus muses that, in representing A-Rod, “It seems appropriate he’s repping another Mutt.”   Touche’.

    ONE OF THE OWNERS OF ‘THE RITZY CANINE’ AFTER TACOPINA’S LAWSUIT

    7:40:22 a.m. –   Blonde on Blonde…or as we like to call it, ‘IQ Point Suction Time’.   Deirdre draws attention to the photo on the Imus website of the two horses that she took with her iPhone.  It’s a great shot of two ‘studs’ who are playing.  She says that the I-Man is jealous…and, at first, we think she’s referring to the size of the …um… ‘Equine Erection’ on the horse on the left.  Jesus, you could actually throw a saddle on that thing.  But she just means the photograph itself.  Somehow, she was able to capture a shot that the I-Man has been unable to get in all the years they’ve been out at the Ranch.  We, however, are SURE that if The Boss was equally endowed…he’d have taken an iPhone photo of THAT.

    WALK PROUDLY, FLICKA

     (ALTHOUGH WE WONDER HOW YOU’RE ABLE TO WALK AT ALL)

    7:53:37 a.m. –   The I-Man recommends his plastic surgeon, Dr. Lloyd Hoffman, to Dagen, to take care of her ‘Cabinet’ injury. Dr. Hoffman is an Orthodox Jew, who, obviously, seeing as how the I-Man is a patient…is capable of performing…miracles.  Only thing is, Dagen better get there before sundown on Friday.

    A LITTLE NIP, A LITTLE TUCK…AND A SHMEAR.  WE HOPE DR. HOFFMAN DOES NOT GET CONFUSED, AND GIVE DAGEN A ‘BRIS’

    8:08:40 a.m. –  Here’s how bad things are in Syria:  It’s actually an improvement to go to Iraqi Kurdistan. Imus, observing the Refugees fleeing their country’s civil war is inspired to muse:  “Those Syrians look like they have some pretty nice luggage.”   

    “FOR THE LAST TIME…YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED TWO CARRY ON BAGS”

    8:18:40 a.m. –  This morning, Connell is wearing a myriad of hats.  Due to Dagen McDowell’s absence, and Dr. Bill’s vacation, Mr. McShane is performing his usual News Anchoring duties as well as providing us with the Business News AND weather reports.  He’s the Fox Business version of that Dude from the old Ed Sullivan show who used to spin the plates.

    CUE THE ‘SABRE DANCE’ MUSIC

    8:29:40 a.m. –  We’ve had all morning to think about it, and now we’re starting to suspect something strange is going on at Fox Business…last week it was Stuart Varney’s “Chipped Tooth” incident…this week, it was Dagen’s run in with the cabinet.  All we need now is for Neil Cavuto to sprain an ankle…and we’d be convinced that Melissa Francis is attempting to elevate her status somewhat…unconventionally.

    MELISSA IN THE LIBRARY…WITH THE CANDLESTICK

    9:06:44 a.m. –   The I-Man offers some advice to Mayoral Candidate John Liu, in his best Richard Pryor, ‘Mudbone’ voice… “Boy…a man…who sent pictures of his DICK…to people…is beating you!   And he sent them to a girl…who looked like Kevin James!   You got to give up!”

    “CONFUCIOUS SAY, “MAN WHO TAKE PICTURE OF DICK…IS TOO COCKY”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A CELEBRATION OF THE GENIUS THAT WAS

    ELMORE LEONARD

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeZQl2nvnfM 

    ELMORE LEONARD’S RULES FOR WRITING

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RHBOfM9CFQ

    A CLIP FROM ‘GET SHORTY’

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyDdnqYxhd8

    TRAILER FOR ‘3:10 TO YUMA’

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RJ6USD2nEU

    A CLIP FROM ‘OUT OF SIGHT’

    http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/elmore-leonard-left-legacy-character-characters-article-1.1431762

    MIKE LUPICA’S REMEMBRANCE

    Tuesday
    Aug202013

    Lil Jimmy Norton is Here!

    6:05:00 a.m. –    The excitement in the building is palpable…Lil’ Jimmy Norton is here.  In retrospect, this probably wasn’t the best time to have ‘Bring Your Daughter To Work Day’.

    LOOK OUT LADIES…PREPARE TO BE CHARMED

    6:11:56 a.m. –   Imus is very concerned about the situation in Egypt…not that there is such unrest in the Middle East, or the violence is out of control, he just wants to know how it is going to affect HIM.  Dagen informs The Boss that the price at the pump is really what’s at stake here…and seeing as how the I-Man refuses to drive a car that gets more than single digits mileage-wise…

    THE I-MAN’S VEHICLE…HE GETS NEARLY 8 MPG ON THE FREIGHTLINER…HIS ‘CARBON FOOTPRINT’ IS THE SIZE OF GODZILLA

    6:22:12 a.m. –   Dagen reports on Apple’s unveiling TWO new iPhones: a cheaper, low end version, and an upgrade of the iPhone 5…which will be available in a Gold, almost  ‘Champagne’ color.  Incredibly, Imus is not interested in the new phone, but rather an App that would provide him better friends to speak with.

    WITH THE ‘IBLOCK’ APP, CALLS FROM IMUS ARE RECOGNIZED…AND THEN, SUMMARILY, BLOCKED

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Norton is on, much to Carley’s chagrin.  Somehow, the restraining order had an option that allowed Lil’ Jimmy to be within the 60 foot perimeter, if he was promoting a television special.  Which he is.  ‘American Degenerate’, which premieres this Friday on the Epix Network.

    SOMETHING YOU MIGHT WANT TO PROTECT YOURSELF WITH…PRIOR TO VIEWING…AS JIMMY IS DEFINITELY ‘INFECTED’

    7:13:45 a.m. –   Dagen weighs in on Regis Philbin’s new show, ‘Crowd Goes Wild’ on Fox Sports 1.  She is NOT a fan. She’s especially not fond of the  “…Brunette chick they have on to address the social media… all she does is read emails.”  When she is challenged with the charge that she is, effectively, dissing Carley…who, at one time, used to read emails for this program, Dagen vehemently denies the allegation…because  “The chick on Fox Sports 1 is a brunette.”

    WE’VE SEEN THE DEBUT OF ‘CROWD GOES WILD.’ AND, AS IMUS HAS OFFICIALLY DECREED:  “THERE WILL BE NO SECOND VIEWING.”  

    7:19:22 a.m. –   “What have we done for 19 minutes?”  the I-Man is incredulous, as we have not done the News with Connell, the Business Report with Dagen, or Sports with Warner, and we’re dangerously close to the time for the Bernie Briefing.   Connell:  “Do you want to go back and replay it?”  Imus actually considers the idea…but then we’d be behind 38 minutes.

    NOT THE KIND OF ‘DRONE’ THAT HAS PUT US SO FAR BEHIND

    7:40:22 a.m. –   Juan Williams is on, and relates that he was recently out in Las Vegas with his sons… Imus:  “Did you hire any hookers?”   Williams:  “And I’m supposed to tell YOU?”   He extolls the virtues of ‘Pappy Van Winkle’ Bourbon.  We are hard drinkers like the next guy.  We, however, have a problem drinking something that sounds like a Cartoon Character.

    YOU DON’T WANT A DRUNK SMURF.  BLUE VOMIT IS PARTICULARLY DISGUSTING

    8:05:37 a.m. –   Imus, in discussing Gay Conversion Therapy, brings up Marcus Bachman, and his program of ‘Praying Away The Gay’: “Well, isn’t he a Double Order of Fruit Salad himself?”  We take umbrage with that assessment.  Bachman is an ‘All You Can Eat Buffet of Gay’.

    MARCUS BACHMAN.  HE’S NOT GAY.  BUT HIS BOYFRIEND MIGHT BE.

    8:18:40 a.m. –  Gunz weighs in on Katie Nolan, the “Social Media Chick” from ‘Crowd Goes Wild’ on Fox Sports 1.   “I think she’s hot.”  “That’s what Porn is for.” Dagen admonishes.  As if Gunz wasn’t already aware of that fact. To be brutally honest, Gunz is not all that discriminating when it comes to female companionship.

    THIS IS WHAT, IN GUNZ’ WORLD, IS KNOWN AS ‘FRIDAY NIGHT’

    8:21:33 a.m. –   Noam Laden is filling in for Dr. Bill Evans on the Weather Duties today.  His signoff has been.  “I’m ‘Stormin’ Norman’.”  Forget how you get from ‘Noam’ to ‘Norman’…but to add the “Stormin’” is…well, a very special kind of stupid.

    THE OFFENDING PARTY.  HIS HAIR LEFT…OUT OF EMBARRASSMENT

    8:40:38 a.m. –   Bret Baier is on to discuss the situation in Egypt and the Muslim Brotherhood.  (Which, come to think of it, sounds like a GREAT band name.)  Poor Bret is battling a summer cold.  Poor baby’s got the sniffles.  We just hope it’s not the same ‘cold’ that the I-Man battled back in the eighties.   The Boss had ‘The Sniffles’ for a really long time.  In fact, Imus’ cold was kind of like the War in Iraq:  It cost millions of dollars and lasted almost 9 years.

    “WE’RE SORRY, MR. BAIER, BUT WE’VE RUN OUT OF KLEENEX, YOU’LL HAVE TO MAKE DUE WITH THAT ONE”

    9:05:13 a.m. –   The I-Man ‘Unloads His Mind’ on us, and Drops Some Science about using children in radio and television commercials “People who think putting kids in commercials is a good idea…are WRONG.” .  After having to endure the tedious ‘1-877- Kars 4 Kids’ spot…we would tend to agree.   First of all, he has a problem with giving Cars, (AND IT’S SPELLED WITH A C, DAMMIT!) to kids is an AWFUL idea.  It’s bad enough tripping over a skateboard, the last thing you need is to trip over the Chevy that Junior left on the stairs.  But second of all, it depends on the product that’s being advertised.  Breakfast Cereal is one thing.  However, a 4th Grader in a Viagra Spot is just…sick.

    MIKEY LIKES IT!!!

    9:07:33 a.m. –   We wonder who chooses the News Stories that Connell reports every morning.  Because the program is nearly over, and we hear about a 70 year old gentleman in Australia who had to go to the Emergency Room to…get a fork removed from his penis.  Yes.  You heard right.  And, apparently, it was not an accident.  Which, makes sense, if you think about it…as we have difficulty envisioning a scenario where a man, walking around, minding his own business, somehow trips and falls over the utensil drawer, and winds up with a three pronger…in his donger.    We’re not sure we want to know what the real story is…but ONE thing is for sure:  This is not a house where you want to be invited to stay for dinner.

    “UM...ON SECOND THOUGHT…YOU DON’T HAVE TO PASS THE SPOON, EITHER.”

    9:09:07 a.m. –   We’re not exactly sure the line of thought that took us from the use of children in advertising to an observation about Papa John’s Pizza, but The I-Man makes the observation that,  the spokesperson for the Pizza, John Schnatter, is a rather ‘creepy’ individual.  In fact, according to Imus, “He has the same effect as Rand Paul and Fred Thompson. “ 

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A LITTLE ‘TASTE’ (WHICH IS A RELATIVE TERM…AS ‘TASTE’ IS NOT A WORD YOU NORMALLY ASSOCIATE WITH NORTON) OF JIM NORTON’S ‘AMERICAN DEGENERATE’ COMEDY SPECIAL:

      

    WARNING: FOR MATURE ADULTS ONLY

    (COS’ IT’S REALLY DIRTY…BUT REALLY FUNNY)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mA9RiG22fAE 

     

    Monday
    Aug192013

    Happy Birthday Lis Wiehl!

    6:05:00 a.m. –    It’s Lis Wiehl’s birthday!   She is 61 years old, and doesn’t look a DAY over 60.  We are HUGE fans of the ‘Mature Woman’.  Lis is DEFINITELY what you would call a L.I.L.F. :  “Lawyer I’d Like To…Friend.”

    THE BIRTHDAY GIRL!  

    6:07:46 a.m. –   We are wrapping Lis’ birthday gifts back in the Green Room.  Depends just came out with a line of ‘thongs’!   We can’t wait to see the look on her face when she opens the package!

    A TENDER MOMENT ON THE BEACH…COULD BE SPOILED IF YOU DON’T FEEL ‘PROTECTED’

    6:12:12 a.m. –   The I-Man reveals that he be lovin’ him some UFC…the Ultimate Fighting Championship…which is the brutal, no holds barred (literally), bare knuckle boxing matches that…are not for the faint of heart.  That is, if you’re a little squeamish about watching a man tie another man’s spine into a knot like a cherry stem. 

    THE I-MAN AND HIS SPARRING PARTNER

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Bo Dietl is on to discuss…well, do we EVER really know what he’s on to discuss?  Let alone understand what he is discussing when he’s discussing it?   Bo is a force of nature…y’know… “Hurricane Bo”.

    THERE’S A PRECIPITATION SITUATION HERE!       

    (SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET ‘BLOW-A-TATED’)

    7:13:45 a.m. –   Meghan Hurlbut is volunteering at the Ranch this week, as a Kid Wrangler, which is like Lis Wiehl trying to get away with paying full price at the movies and not using her AARP discount.  According to Meghan’s bio, (which is out of date like all the guest bios she handles) she is a Junior at Columbia University where she is a goalie on the Soccer Team. 

     MEGHAN (2ND FROM LEFT) BELIEVES THAT HER PROFICIENCY AT KICKING THINGS WILL COME IN HANDY ON THE RANCH…EVEN IF ONLY TO GET THE HORSE $#*% OFF HER BOOTS

    7:28:12 a.m. –   Marvin Gaye’s song ‘Got to Give it Up’ has been literally stolen, note for note, by Robin Thicke.  We don’t know why nobody noticed before, when on the last Robin Thicke album, “There Is No Peak We Cannot Scale” bore an uncanny similarity to, and was strikingly reminiscent of, Marvin and Tammi Terrell’s “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.”  Once again, the White Man stealing from the Black Man.  When asked about the situation, Little Richard had ‘No Comment’.

    ROBIN THICKE…AIN’T NO TAMMI TERRELL

    7:40:17 a.m. –   The lovely, and fiercely bright, Martha MacCallum is on to discuss the new allegations that suggest the death of Princess Diana may not have been an accident.   We’re not big on conspiracy theories…but we think there’s about as much of a chance at the Princess’ tragic and untimely demise not being an accident as Robin Thicke’s stealing “Got To Give It Up” WAS one.

    MARTHA MACCALLUM, WHO, VERY EASILY, COULD HAVE STARRED IN PLAGIARIST ROBIN THICKE’S  ‘BLURRED LINES’ VIDEO

    8:05:37 a.m. –   “Usain Bolt makes all other runners look like fat guys chasing a bus.”  In light of Bolt’s winning the 200 Meter in 19:66.  The I-Man, once again, crystallizing the thoughts of sports fans everywhere…and putting a particularly disturbing image in our minds, once again.

     

    …AND THIS GUY AIN’T NO USAIN BOLT…

    8:13:40 a.m. –  Dagen reports that Al Jazeera is having difficulty selling advertising time.  We don’t know why, we could name a couple right off the top of our heads…

    “STANLEY STEEMER” WOULD APPEAR TO BE…A NATURAL

    7:54:54 a.m. -  Speaking of ‘Natural’, we would like to take this opportunity to, once again, wish a hearty ‘Happy Birthday’, to true, natural beauty, Lis Wiehl…who is 61 years young today.

     

       

    LIS WIEHL

       BEFORE MAKEUP                            AFTER MAKEUP

    8:25:33 a.m. –   Lindsay Lohan was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, and Bernie makes some unfortunate comparisons between the troubled child star and…The I-Man:  They are both redheads, they both have battled alcoholism…abused cocaine…and both have arms like a teenage girl.

    SEPARATED AT BIRTH?

    8:46:17 a.m. –   The GREAT Dick Cavett is on, and we would be engaging in reprehensible deceit if we were to postulate that we were not anticipating his appearance with almost textbook frisson; as we are aficionada, both of his perspicacity, and the alacrity with which he parlays the spontaneous bon mots that have become so integral to his legend.    The I-Man asks Dick what he thinks of “The whole A-Rod situation”, to which Mr. Cavett responds, “If I never hear those four letters again unless they’re spelling ‘road’ or ‘Dora’, I shall be a happy man.”   This is a guy you want to have in the room when you’re trying to do the daily ‘Jumble’.

    WHAT’S A SIX LETTER WORD FOR ‘MORNING RADIO HOST’?

    9:07:34 a.m. –   Lis is threatening to sue the I-Man for ‘Ageism’.  These cases can drag on for years. Um…you’d better hurry, Lis.   In the meantime, maybe treat yourself to one of those ‘Bird Doody’ facials?

    IT’S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT TO PROVE THIS CASE IN A COURT OF LAW

    9:17:24 a.m. –   Imus thinks that he should work seven days a week.  That makes INORDINATE sense!  Because we know for a fact that both Bernie and Lou would be MORE than willing to work EIGHT days a week!  And for free!   Some people just don’t know how to appreciate the ‘Joy of Career’.

    DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YA…WHERE THE GOOD LORD SPLIT YA

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    LIS CELEBRATES HER SPECIAL DAY!

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe1YHoP-Lzk

     

     

    Friday
    Aug162013

    Mr. Stumpf is Doing a Marvelous Job!

    6:05:00 a.m. –    Before we do anything else, we would like to extend our deepest, most sincere apologies for hurting the feelings of Chairman, President, and CEO of Wells Fargo, John G. Stumpf, in parodying him in yesterday’s blog.  We did not intend to cause him any undue heartache and discomfort.   Despite what we perceived as callousness towards children with Cancer, we have no reason to believe that Mr. Stumpf bears any ill will for them at all.  In fact, there is no reason to believe that he is not the kind of man who would visit sick children in the hospital, dressed as a clown.

    WE COULD EASILY SEE MR. STUMPF DONATING HIS TIME  TO BRING CHEER TO INFIRMED CHILDREN, LIKE THIS GENTLEMAN, MR. J.W. GACY

    6:07:09 a.m. –  We used some graphic programs yesterday to insert Mr. Stumpf’s image into unfortunate scenarios, and, as such, made him feel bad.  As CEOs of Large Corporate Institutions are an unfairly maligned group, we would therefore like to offer an artist’s rendering of what we now believe to be Mr. Stumpf’s true character.

    “BORROW NOT, LEST YE BE CHARGED INTEREST”

    6:07:09 a.m. –   Connell reads a story confirming that ‘Area 51’ does, indeed, exist,  which inspires Imus to ponder why Aliens always seem to land in areas populated by toothless, mouth breathing losers…   “Why don’t aliens ever land at Dick Cavett’s house?”    Probably because they don’t want to listen to the Tallulah Bankhead story…again.

    OTIS, BEHIND THE WHEEL OF HIS WINNEBAGO, IS SURPRISED BY A ‘VISITOR’

    6:40:34 a.m. –  K.T. McFarland is on…and we are struck by the notion that she could very easily be included in the new segment Imus is starting that will feature Leif Babin, Bo Dietl and Mike Baker.  This is one tough cookie.  She could take any of those three with one arm tied behind her back…and the attache’ case with the ‘Nuclear Football’ in it.

    MESS WITH THIS GIRL, AND YOU MESS WITH YOUR HEARTBEAT

    6:55:12 a.m. –   Bigfoot proposes Sally Quinn as a guest, to come on and discuss Reza Aslan’s Zealot  as well as her scathing article on Huma Weiner.  The problem, the I-Man says, is that Sally WON’T SHUT UP! Although, if she were booked on the same program as Carl ‘Two Questions’ Jeffers, Imus could, essentially, sit in the studio and just take the day off.

    SALLY AND CARL HAVE A LOT TO SAY!

    7:13:45 a.m. –   You know, we REALLY feel awful about ruining Mr. Stumpf’s day yesterday.  It’s really unfair to take such cheap shots at a pillar of the community.  To humiliate someone like that is just mean. 

    WE DON’T WANT TO SINK TO THE LEVEL WHERE WE WOULD PHOTOSHOP MR. STUMPF’S FACE ONTO THE BODY OF A DUTCH MILKMAIDEN AS SOMEONE DID TO THE ITALIAN PRIME MINISTER.  WE HAVE NO REASON TO ASSUME THAT JOHN STUMPF WOULD ENGAGE IN THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR ON THE WEEKENDS

    7:15:22 a.m. – Connell reads a story that suggests A-Rod used his people to leak negative information about other players using PEDs in the latest MLB scandal.  Imus wonders “Who would want to be one of Alex Rodriguez’s ‘people’?”

    OF COURSE, ANYBODY WHO WORKS WITH A-ROD IS USED TO BEING WITH AN ‘A-HOLE’

    7:25:46 a.m. –   Warner admits that he takes his daily Tuna Sandwich with him to the gym, packed in a ‘Wonder Bread’ sandwich shaped plastic box.  We don’t believe we would’ve told THAT one, Warner.  A grown ass man, going out in public carrying his lunch...to the gym, no less?   We’re just surprised he doesn’t have a Honus Wagner Lunch Box.

    WE DON’T THINK WARNER’S TUNA SANDWICH IS GOING TO STAY VERY FRESH IN HERE

    8:05:37 a.m. –   We would like to take this time now, smack dab in the middle of the program, to say some POSITIVE things about John G Stumpf, Chairman, President, and CEO of Wells Fargo.  Mr. Stumpf has done GREAT things with the company…it’s stock has gone up considerably during his stewardship.  Which is a VERY admirable achievement for a man who barely graduated High School.  It’s a very inspirational story…where a man…clearly learning disabled, can surmount adversity to succeed.  It’s the stuff of Lifetime movies.

    FORREST STUMPF.  LIFE REALLY IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES: IT MAKES YOUR FINGERS STICKY

    8:18:40 a.m. –  Imus recalls the naming of the town at the Ranch, ‘Readers’ Digest New Mexico’, which was christened as a result of a Million Dollars generously donated by the magazine.  We are grateful that they were the first ones to pony up the dough…because ‘Hustler New Mexico’, somehow doesn’t have the same ring to it.  The Boss tells us that, in a gesture of gratitude and good faith, the day ‘Readers’ Digest New Mexico’ was chartered, he bought a bunch of Readers’ Digest stock, and asks Dagen how it’s performing.  Apparently, in the past four years, the magazine has declared bankruptcy…twice.  

    “YOU SHOULD’VE TAKEN MY MONEY WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE…”

    8:40:33 a.m. –   Kirsten Powers is on to give her take on Reza Aslan’s book.  We get the impression that Kirsten is not DOWN with Aslan’s conclusions.  She prefers the Magical Jesus over the blue collar, working stiff, Jesus.

    THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO AREN’T SUCH BIG FANS OF THE NEW YORK TIMES’ BESTSELLER, ZEALOT

    9:06:44 a.m. –  Gunz tries out some pick up lines:  “Do you have any Italian in you?  You want some?”   And “Great Legs…what time do they open?”   We now get an idea why he has NO shot with ANY female with even a modicum of self-respect.   Why he just doesn’t go with  “If I told you that you had a beautiful body…would you &$%# me?”   The law of averages would suggest that, if he asks enough women, enough times…ONE of them is going to say ‘Yes’.

    WHEN YOU CAN’T EVEN PICK UP MOLLY RINGWALD…

    9:17:58 a.m. –  Once again, we would like to express our deep regret for any inconvenience Mr. Stumpf may have incurred, as a result of our poking fun at him yesterday, ESPECIALLY as he has done SO MUCH for Wells Fargo Bank.

    INFANTILE ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR, SUCH AS USING THE ABOVE IMAGE AND SUGGESTING THAT IT IS A SECURITY PHOTO TAKEN OF MR. JOHN G. STUMPF AT ONE OF THE WELLS FARGO BRANCHES, ARE UNACCEPTABLE AND WE WILL NOT STOOP TO THAT LEVEL.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A CINEMATIC ATTEMPT TO ILLUSTRATE WHY ALIENS NEVER SEEM TO FIND ‘DICK CAVETT’

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaiEdn6ZKKM

    Thursday
    Aug152013

    And Now, Let's Get to Know John G. Stumpf, Chairman, President, and CEO of Wells Fargo

    6:05:00 a.m. –    The I-Man, on the recommendation of Lou Rufino and Dagen McDowell, watched “Beware of Mr. Baker”, the Ginger Baker Documentary on Showtime.  He has concluded that Mr. Baker is a “Wretched Human Being”, and, while he’s at it, he’s not that crazy about Eric Clapton either.  Ol’ Slowhand is just as wretched, apparently.   But they are both second only to bankers at Wells Fargo. 

    GINGER BAKER:  A ‘WRETCHED HUMAN BEING’

    6:11:56 a.m. –   Last night, Imus sent the Mensa Meeting Topics to Imogen Lloyd Weber, and received a response from her, virtually immediately.  He maintains that you can’t do that, because it makes you look like a mouth breathing loser, hanging by the cell phone just waiting for contact.

    WE WOULD GLADLY CALL, OR SEND AN EMAIL TO, THE LOVELY MS. WEBBER…HOWEVER, THE RESTRAINING ORDER PREVENTS US FROM DOING SO

    6:22:12 a.m. – Warner plays a home run call by Broadcast Legend, the great Vin Scully.  The I-Man is impressed at the Octogenarian’s  energy and focus.  “And you’re telling me this guy is 85 years old?”  To which Warner responds, “He’ll be 86 in November.”   “So then…the answer is YES he’s EIGHTY FIVE!”

    VIN SCULLY STILL KNOWS HOW TO GET AROUND

    6:40:33 a.m. –   Mike Baker phones in  the cabin up at his compound in Idaho, where he is currently field stripping his M4A2 Commando and writing his manifesto.  Imus says he’s having a hard time hearing him.  Baker says he doesn’t know why, he’s on a good phone…maybe it’s because it’s being scrambled on the other end so ‘Non Friendlies’ can’t decipher the conversation.

    MIKE BAKER SPEAKS TO THE I-MAN (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    7:05:13 a.m. –   Because the invitation was extended for a representative from Wells Fargo to come on the air to explain/apologize for the misunderstanding that involved the Ranch Payroll checks bouncing,  (despite the fact that there are MILLIONS of dollars in the account), and said payroll checks were to the Kid Wranglers at the Ranch for Kids with Cancer, of which, there are a few African Americans, The I-Man charges Wells Fargo with being Racists who hate kids with Cancer.    The blame falls to John G. Stumpf, the Chairman, President, AND CEO of Wells Fargo…whose day is going to take a turn for the worse in just a little bit…

    FASTEN YOUR SEATBELT, MR. STUMPF…IT’S GOING TO GET UGLY

    7:45:34 a.m. –   A very spirited Mensa Meeting includes the assertion that Gunz has less chance at Imogen Lloyd Webber than he does with Carley.  Maybe Gunz should consider going after brunettes instead.  Or, at the very least, reconsider the fashion choice of the ‘Flip Flops’ and skinny jeans.

    JUSTIN BIEBER IN A PAIR OF SLACKS FROM THE ‘GUNZELMAN’ COLLECTION.  NEED WE SAY MORE?

    8:05:34 a.m. –   Imus waxes philosophical over his reasons to continue doing this for a living…as he obviously doesn’t need to be doing this for a living.  He says he needs somebody to talk to, because, in his life, there is nobody who cares what he has to say.  If you want to prove it to yourself, here’s a simple test:  Tell somebody you’re going to Europe, 9 out of 10 times, nobody will ask where in Europe you are going.   Probably because they’re just glad you’re getting out of the country and it doesn’t matter where you’re going since they won’t have to listen to you bitching.

    THE I-MAN’S GOT A ONE WAY TICKET TO…WHEREVER

    8:40:11 a.m. –  I-Fave, Navy SEAL Leif Babin is on, and is so good, he inspires the I-Man to come up with a segment that would highlight his expertise.  He comes up with something called ‘Bad News’ that would feature three ‘Bad Asses’, Leif, Mike Baker…and Bo Dietl.  To that list, we would also include Lt. Colonel Bill Cowan…and, maybe Lis Wiehl.  Not because she’s a badass, but she’s certainly ‘Bad News’.

    LIS…AND ONE OF HER ‘MARITAL AIDS’

    9:05:37 a.m. –  Imus charges Bernard with the task of booking equally obsessed Eagles’ fan, Bill Simmons, who wrote the 10,000 word essay about the documentary that Imus has seen about a hundred times.  This leads the Boss to weigh in on the lameness of Glenn Frey.  “You can’t be a guy from one of the greatest Rock n’ Roll bands in history and play in Celebrity Golf tournaments with Jimmy Buffet.   F#@% Jimmy Buffet!  AND his parrot!”    Normally, we would oblige, but we don’t think the bird would stand still long enough.

    “HEY GLENN! LOOK!  I GOT A BIRDIE TOO!  EXCEPT MINE’S A REAL BIRD!”

     

    AND NOW, LET’S GET TO KNOW

    JOHN G. STUMPF

     CHAIRMAN, PRESIDENT, AND CEO OF

    WELLS FARGO!

    Or, perhaps you’d like to speak to him directly, in which case, you might want to call their Greenwich office at

    203-637-1793

    Mr. Stumpf is of proud German descent, and, from this file photo we were able to find, apparently, was also an Eagle Scout.

    UNFORUTNATELY, YOU CAN’T SEE HIS ‘FINANCE’ MERIT BADGE

    Mr. Stumpf was one of 11 children, and, according to his bio, slept in the same room as his siblings…until he was married. 

    MR. STUMPF (FRONT ROW, FAR RIGHT) AND THE REST OF THE FAMILY, POSE FOR A PORTRAIT IN A RARE MOMENT OUTSIDE THE SHOE

    Again, we encourage you to call the Wells Fargo Greenwich office, and ask for Mr. Stumpf, so that he will have an opportunity to explain Wells Fargo’s Customer Service policies, provide an apology, and defend himself from the allegations that in bouncing the Ranch Kid Wrangler’s payroll checks essentially makes them Racists who hate Children With Cancer. 

    203-637-1793 

     

    KEEP CALLING, AS IT MAY TAKE AWHILE FOR MR. STUMPF TO GET TO THE PHONE

    According to Wikipedia, Mr. Stumpf graduated in the bottom half of his High School Class…which, no doubt, might have contributed to the idiotic decisions he has made as Chairman, President, and CEO of Wells Fargo.  Because of his poor grades and Dismal Academic Performance, he obtained a job making bread in his hometown bakery…his first experience working with ‘Dough’

    JOHN’S HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION PHOTO.

    HE WAS VOTED ‘MOST LIKELY TO EAT PASTE’

    As a living, breathing, embodiment of ‘The Peter Principle’, Stumpf enrolled in St. Cloud State University on a provisional basis, which is worth noting, as not even convicted felons have to matriculate on a ‘provisional basis’, but this was the only way Stumpf would be admitted.  This, however, did not stop him from getting a job as a repossession agent for First Bank in St. Paul, Minnesota, a position which would teach him the skills that would prepare him for his later career as an evil bastard who screws over little kids with Cancer.

    JOHN AT A RECENT WELLS FARGO BOARD MEETING

    Have you called yet to check in with Mr. Stumpf?  We are SURE he would LOVE to hear from you…and your thoughts about the policies Wells Fargo enforces when dealing with Charitable Organizations .

    203-637-1793

    (Ask for ‘Johnny Boy’)

     

    ANOTHER EVEN MORE WRETCHED HUMAN BEING

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4ne13Zft9Q 

    James Stewart Speaks at a Wells Fargo Board Meeting and Answers to Some Comments Made By John G. Stumpf, (Who, for some reason, Mr. Stewart refers to as “Mr. Potter)