6:05:10 a.m. – Carol Higgins Clark has volunteered to fill in for Imogen Lloyd Webber for ‘Hollywood & Vine’ this morning, and is using her ‘Acting’ roles on the Hallmark Channel, (in movies based on her mother’s books) as criteria for her being a valid panelist. Her acting range runs the emotional gamut…from A to B. From the evidence she provided, it’s clear she couldn’t act her way INTO a paper bag.
6:06:12 a.m. – Despite the fact that it’s imperative for the I-Man to know the location of the missing plane, Connell still remains no help whatsoever. He has taken to asking everyone during the course of the day if they have any clue. Which is unusual, as that’s the question he usually gets from everyone else during the course of the day. Turns out neither the chess teacher nor the manicurist have any idea.
“MAYBE PLANE GO SOMEPLACE NICE FOR TO TAKE VACATION? CLUB MED, SOMETIME THEY GO THERE MAYBE? GET NICE ON BEACH, COME BACK FEEL GOOD, TIP BIG THE MANICURIST?”
6:30:01 a.m. – We give Father Jonathan Morris a little ‘Pre-Interview’ in the Green Room. We sit uncomfortably close to him. He freaks out a little, despite the fact that Tony maintains it’s not the first time he’s been that close to two men. Tony is going to hell. Rob is going to tell on him during confession. Rob didn’t get a chance to ask the Good Father his most burning question: “If, when you go to confession, and you omit a particularly heinous sin, and then add an extra lie to the list…is that cool?”
THE THREE CABALLEROS
6:40:46 a.m. – Father Morris enters the studio somewhat shaken, we’ve suitably made him uncomfortable to the point where he is now irritated with the I-Man. He avoids some of the questions posed to him, regarding the Bill Maher comment about God being a Mass Murderer. The topic of Noah is discussed, and it’s pretty clear that if both Father Morris and the I-Man were lucky enough to get tickets on the Ark, the Handsome Priest would be pushing the Old Cowboy off the deck before the rain even started.
“MAN OVERBOARD? NO…I DIDN’T SEE ANYBODY FALL OVERBOARD…WHY? IS SOMEONE MISSING? YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK THE ELEPHANT CAGE.”
6:55:15 a.m. – Father Morris subjects himself to a post-mortem interview in the Green Room. Not ‘Post-Mortem’ because someone has died…but because this will, more than likely, be the LAST time he ever appears on the Imus in the Morning Program.
“HE WAS SUCH A GOOD GUEST…DAMN YOU, IMUS!”
7:05:15 a.m. – Carol Higgins Clark has just emailed the I-Man with some nasty remarks about Dagen. This is not going to be pretty. We smell a mud wrestling match. And Reidel is referee.
DAGEN AND CAROL ‘GO AT IT’…AND NOT THE WAY WE WANT THEM TO.
7:07:34 a.m. – The Boss is getting redressed by Neil Cavuto for being a ‘Godless Idiot’, due to the interview that has just transpired. He demands that Imus apologize to Father Morris immediately. Just like the airplane, The I-Man just wanted to know what happened to the boat.
NEIL INTERRUPTS HIS BREAKFAST TO DASH OFF A NASTY EMAIL TO THE I-MAN
7:20:34 a.m. – Warner plays a clip of an Umpire at a Pre-Season game getting a line drive to the Banana Hammock. The video shows the hit literally lifting the unlucky soul right off the ground. There is an audible gasp from every male within a five mile radius of our studio…while the women all collectively shrug and ask... ‘What? Does that hurt?’ It’s not funny when it happens to you, but otherwise? It’s HILARIOUS.
“HEY UMP. WAS THAT A ‘FAIR BALL?’ OR A ‘FOUL BALL’? WHICH BALL WAS IT? THE LEFT ONE? OR THE RIGHT?
7:29:34 a.m. – Bill Hemmer joins us in the Green Room for ‘Uncomfortably Close With Rob & Tony’ and Rob asks him about his alma mater, Miami University. Before Rob can ask him if he misses Florida, Bill chimes in. ‘Florida’. Well, it’s not ‘Shecky’ Hemmer.
BILL ON CAMPUS AT MIAMI UNIVERSITY
7:46:34 a.m. – Bill’s interview goes surprisingly well, despite the fact that he thinks Noah is the guy who got swallowed by the Whale. At least he got the Nautical part right.
AS CHRIS, ‘MAD DOG’ RUSSO WOULD SAY, ‘TRUE STORY?’
8:26:14 a.m. – The Carol Higgins Clark Pre-Interview during the ‘Uncomfortably Close’ segment doesn’t go as well as we had hoped. We’d like to say it wasn’t Carol’s fault. But we can’t. Still, she looks great for 87 years old.
CAROL HIGGINS CLARK…PRETTY PEPPY FOR A GAL HER AGE
8:40:14 a.m. – Hollywood & Vine with guest panelist, Carol Higgins Clark, who has already been brutalized all morning. Imus asks her if she’s on any prescription drugs this morning. No. At least, not yet. But we think there’s some Xanax in her future. Another clip is shown from her ‘Film Oeuvre’ in which she ‘acts’ with a little Yorkie named “Lulu” What can we say? The dog has clearly studied ‘The Method’.
CAROL AND LULU. LOVED HER…HATED HER
8:46:14 a.m. – The I-Man asks Carol if she’s seen ‘Frozen’, the animated Disney movie in which a girl freezes everything she touches. No, she has not seen it. She’s lived it.
THE ROOTS ARE REAL
9:05:10 A.M. – Imus provides his take on this morning’s ‘Hollywood & Vine’. “That might have been the single worst edition…yet.” Hmmmm. Will there be some ‘Replacements’ made?
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