6:05:00 a.m. – We begin the program and the week, with the news that the I-Man received a little ‘Present’ from Virgil, Wyatt’s Norfolk Terrier. It appears that, in the dark of morning, (barefoot…of course) as The Boss was stumbling around attempting to find his ‘Kinky Friedman’ T-Shirt, he stepped in the remains of whatever organic, vegan supper that Deirdre provided the beloved little pup last evening. Some people say that is… ‘Lucky’. Ehhhh…yeah, we suppose it is…if you’re the one who hasn’t stepped in it, of course.
EVERYBODY’S A CRITIC
6:11:17 a.m. – The I-Man asks Dagen the usual Monday Morning question: “Who won the car race?” The answer comes back “ Brian Vickers”…and NOT “Morgan Shepherd” who finished 41 out of 43 drivers, who is 71 years old, and, for most of the race, was in the left lane, doing 40 M.P.H. with his blinkers on.
“WHY IS HE HONKING AT ME? WHERE’S THE FIRE?”
6:18:22 a.m. – Connell reports about the News Anchor for KTVU TV, who read phony, racially offensive names in a story about the Asiana Airlines Crash. Apparently, an intern at the NTSB confirmed that the pilots’ names were “Captain Sum Ting Wong, Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk, and Bang Ding Ow.” As Asiana Airlines is currently in the process of suing the station for damage to its’ reputation, a spokesperson for the News Team, “Mike Hunt”, has provided a formal, official apology.
KTVU TV GENERAL MANAGER ‘DICK HERTZ’ SAYS THAT FRISCO’S KTVU TV “REGRETS THE MISTAKE, AND IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN…BABABOOEY”
6:21:58 a.m. – Dagen gleefully reports on the disappointing Box Office receipts of ‘Pacific Rim’, the “Giant Japanese Sea Monster/200 Foot Robot Fighting Movie”. Which, is surprising, especially when you consider that everything we have read about the film, puts it solidly on the list as one of the top 20 “Giant Japanese Sea Monster/200 Foot Robot Fighting Movies Of All Time”.
NEXT UP FOR THESE TWO ‘PACIFIC RIM’ ACTORS: THE GIANT JAPANESE SEA MONSTER/200 FOOT FIGHTING ROBOT PRODUCTION OF ‘OTHELLO’
6:40:18 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on, and invokes the I-Man’s ire, because he can’t get a straight answer out of the former ‘Super Cop’…which shouldn’t be surprising, as, if anything, it is par for the course. A ‘Straight Answer’ from Bo is a relative thing…in his hands, even the simplest issue becomes a convolutatated, labyrinthinized, incomprehensibilatory statement.
“STRAIGHT TALK” FROM THE ELOQUENTATATED, ARTICULATORY, ELOCUTIONALIZED, BO DIETL; SHOWING OFF HIS MEDAL FOR “PUBLIC SPEAKINGIZATION”
7:05:57 a.m. – News of the Twinkie’s return to the shelves is teased as an upcoming story for Dagen’s next Business Report. Back in the Green Room, ‘Fat Elvis’, who is ready to offer his thoughts on this momentous event, drools on his Nudie Suit so much he has to change clothes.
THE ONLY WAY THESE THINGS COULD GET ANY BETTER
7:07:18 a.m. – Julie Kanfer, former Imus in the Morning Assistant/Producer and who currently writes for Deirdre Imus’ blog, had a baby…at 5:26 p.m. yesterday evening…despite the fact that, according to the I-Man, she is the LAST person who should be trusted with a child. The implication here is that there will be a baby carrier left on the roof of an SUV sometime in the near future…
THE 6 POUND, 12 OUNCE HENRY NASH KANFER POLIRSTOK
THE LAST TIME YOU WILL EVER SEE HIM SMILING
7:11:00 a.m. – A perfectly timed, (7:11, get it?) report from Dagen, about the aforementioned return of the Twinkie. Wal-Mart, which got an advance shipment prior to the official release, sold out within minutes of their placement on the shelves.
SISTER MARY RING DING PRAYS FOR THE CRÈME FILLED SOUL OF THE LATE, GREAT, TWINKIE THE KID; WHO TRAGICALLY SUCCOMBED TO THE APPETITE OF… ‘FAT ELVIS’
7:17:18 a.m. – Gunz is filling in for Warner Wolf…claiming that Warner is in ‘Israel’, but we have the sneaking suspicion that this cockamamie story is Gunz’ attempt to cover up for ‘foul play’. We wouldn’t be surprised to find out that America’s Greatest Living Sportscaster isn’t in the Holy Land at all, but rather, tied up in Gunz’s basement with a gag in his mouth…which, is preventing Warner from screaming ‘Forget my people…let ME go!’ Curiously, this isn’t the first time Warner has been bound and gagged…Mrs. Wolf has been forced to resort to this on numerous occasions, as it’s the only way to keep Warner quiet about the 1927 Yankees.
“COME AWN…HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT MY HALF A TUNA SANDWICH?”
7:32:52a.m. – Bernie Briefing: Another Box Office Report, this time, for “Grownups 2”…the Adam Sandler/Kevin James/Chris Rock/David Spade movie that did 42.5 Million at the Box Office, which, despite reviews that included words like “Leaden”, “Moronic” and “Terrible”, STILL did better than the Giant Japanese Sea Monster/200 Foot Robot Fighting Movie, “Pacific Rim”.
APPARENTLY, ONLY THE CAST FOUND ‘GROWN UPS 2’ FUNNY
7:46:00 a.m. – Laura Ingraham is on, and ends her segment with her ‘Spot – On’ impression of former Homeland Security Chief, and New Mexico resident, Janet Napolitano, who, to Laura’s ear, sounds suspiciously a lot like Lee Marvin.
SHE COULD KICK JANET RENO’S ASS
8:10:34 a.m. – Joe Tacopina’s name is invoked, for some reason, and Imus makes the observation: “He looks like he’s had work done, doesn’t he?” We don’t know what he’s talking about.
JOE TACOPINA: YOU BE THE JUDGE:
8:40:17 A.M. – After complaining that we have not had any ‘Legal Eagle’ to weigh in on the Zimmerman case other than Lis Wiehl, Bernard and Bigfoot have come up with Defense Attorney Arthur Aidala, who is OUR kind of attorney: Brooklyn born, straight shooting, straight talking, Joe Pesci kind of guy. Anybody who can call a kid a ‘Yewt’… (Youth) is O.K. in our book. The fact that he resembles Joe Pantoliano doesn’t hurt either.
PUT AIDALA’S HEAD IN A BOWLING BALL BAG…AND YOU’D HAVE JOEY PANTS
9:06:01 A.M. - Bernard comments on how hot women look when there’s a Heat Wave going on in New York City, he’s fan of the short skirt, tank top, look. Dagen, however, has a very different perspective…all she sees are sweaty mooks in Wife Beaters with “Hairy shoulders that look like epaulets.” Um…ew.
WE HATE TO DO IT, BUT…WE HAVE TO SAY…WE AGREE WITH DAGEN ON THIS ONE…JESUS, PUT A SHIRT ON, SASQUATCH
VIDEO OF THE DAY
We are lucky that Bernard and Bigfoot came up with Arthur Aidala. In the search for a legal mind to comment on the Zimmerman/Martin case, we COULD have been stuck with THIS guy: