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    Thursday
    Nov212013

    Happy Birthday Leslie Slender!

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   Imus makes the observation that Bill O’Reilly reads his emails on the air, as if they were spontaneous… They are NOT.  They are carefully chosen, but when he reads the bad emails he yells and points at the screen…the suckups, he gladly reads, agrees with them, and makes kissyface yummy sounds...which, for the majority of the mouthbreathing, massive headwound viewers in his audience, comes across as completely extemporaneous…in a totally pre-recorded way.

    “LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING…DON…I KNOW JESUS…JESUS IS A FRIEND OF MINE…AND YOU, YOU MORON…ARE NO JESUS!”

    6:09:56 a.m. –   Warner, Lou and the I-Man discuss Mike Francesa’s interview with Alex Rodriguez yesterday, on WFAN Radio and the YES television network…and, from their perspective, it appears that the two are at one of those ‘Speed Dating’ events.  Francesa does everything except massage A-Rod’s shoulders.  We haven’t seen this kind of overt wooing since Larry Craig tapped his foot in the airport men’s room.  Francesa’s idea of a hard hitting question?  “Can I get you some more coffee, Mr. Rodriguez?” 

    YOU HAVE TO ADMIT…THEY DO MAKE A CUTE COUPLE

    6:20:12 a.m. –  The Boss reads that Burger King is expanding their empire to India.  “Hold the pickle…hold the lettuce…hold the burger, it upsets us…”  They’re going to have to sell an awful lot of Fries and Condiment sandwiches…although, the overhead is low…without having to buy beef patties…and the rent in Calcutta is about three bucks a month.

    VISHNU?  NOT MUCH.  WHAT’S VISHNU WITH YOU?

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Warner reads an A-Rod quote… ‘This is effing bull ship!’   Whoa…easy there, Bad Grandpa.  First it’s ‘Pink Vagina’, now ol’ Poppa Sports Smurf has developed quite a potty mouth.   It’s either Tourette’s or Senility…we’ll know for sure if Warner goes for that tongue piercing he keeps talking about.

    ITS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME…

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Stuart Varney complains about his iPhone 5…in that he can’t text on it.  White People’s problems. We wonder if it’s just ‘texting’…maybe he’s having problems with the camera…you know…it might just be difficult for him to take pictures with one hand.

    MAYBE IT’S A GOOD THING STUART CAN’T ‘TEXT’

    7:03:06 a.m. –  Dr. Bill wants to get Imus’ email address so his friends can contact the program…I-Man responds… ‘www.divorceproceedings.com’.   It’s an inside joke…but from Dr. Bill’s reaction…it’s pretty clear that the message has been delivered.  Loud n’ Clear. 

    “SO…WAIT A MINUTE.  WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY  I NEED TO

     ‘HAVE MY JUDGE GEAR HANDY’?”

    7:13:26 a.m. –  I-Man takes a page out of O’Reilly’s book and decides to read emails on the air.  One viewer would like to know what Imus’ relationship is to Janet Reno.  Apparently, this person believes that there may be some kind of genetic tie…identical twins, perhaps?

    SEPARATED AT BIRTH?  WE SEE NO RESEMBLANCE WHATSOEV…

    WAIT A MINUTE…

    7:17:34 a.m. –  Imus laments the cost of today’s cocaine.  Congressman Trey Radel paid $250 for 3.5 grams.  Imus, 27 years ago, paid $150 per gram.  We wonder what self-respecting drug dealer would want to take advantage of such a lovable, trusting, individual?

    BACK IN THE DAY WHEN IMUS WAS DOING COKE, HE USED TO SPELL OUT ‘ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM’

    7:40:22 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting.  Deirdre doesn’t consider Adam Levine ‘The Sexiest Man Alive’.  Probably because she thinks Buddy Ebsen was the ‘Sexiest Man Alive’.

    ANOTHER MILLIOAIRE IN A STUPID HAT

    8:05:10 a.m. –   Happy Birthday to Leslie Slender.  Leslie turned 25 today.  Which is quite a surprise to her 26 year old daughter.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TO THE WARM N’ TENDER, LESLIE SLENDER.  WE HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR ‘PRESENT’

    8:17:37 a.m. –   Imus reads the Chamonix ‘Eye Bag Cream’ spot for the 10 thousandth time, and wonders why he’s still reading the same testimonial letter  from ‘Susan’.  “Is this the only letter they received?”  We find that hard to believe, but we hope he continues to read Susan’s Epistolary testimony, because we like how the Boss mentions that, although the Eye Cream works…she still has a big, fat ass.  And needs some ‘Big Butt Balm’.   At least the first 9 thousand 9 hundred and 99 times he did it.

    ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT NOT WORK ON THE ‘DERRIERE’, WE SURE WOULD LIKE TO WATCH SUSAN SMEAR SOME OF THIS ON HER BIG OL’ BUTT

    8:25:50 a.m. –   Imus revisits the Carley/Dagen Obsession with Adam Levine, as he observes that neither of the men in their lives resemble the Maroon 5 frontman/Sexiest Man Alive.  Carley’s boyfriend, Pete, is built like…well, a Michigan Linebacker.  And Dagen’s hubby, Rollo…well, he resembles one of the guys from the ‘Revenge of the Nerds’ movies.  Imus asks Dagen what she thinks of Pete, and Dagen, although she believes Carley’s betrothed to be somewhat handsome, she’s ‘Not gonna horn on her fiancée.’  We will, however, be buying Rollo a Michigan Knit Ski Cap.  Just so she can…pretend.

    ADAM LEVINE MAKES HIS FEELINGS KNOWN ABOUT BOTH PETE AND ROLLO

    8:38:16 a.m. –   James Carville is on to discuss Obamacare.  We are big fans of ‘The Ragin’ Cajun’, and agree with Imus that he is one of the most loyal, supportive, stand up guys ever.  He was one of the only ones who did not forsake the I-Man after his appearance at the White House Correspondence dinner, where Imus took a shower in his tuxedo…while at the podium…for the crickets.

    “UM…LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE I-MAN ANYWAY!”

    9:06:44 a.m. –   Breaking News:  I-Man reports that Van Morrison doesn’t want to perform on the program…and he doesn’t want to talk on the air to him either.  This is the man whose last album was titled, ‘Born to Sing, No Plan B’.  So…what’s Plan C?  Have lunch at the Blarney Stone with the Boss and bitch about Blind People?

     

    “HEY…YOU!  STEVIE WONDER!  DON’T BE KNOCKING OVER THE SPICY MUSTARD!  I’LL TAKE YOUR CANE AND BEAT YOU AND YOUR BLOODY DOG WITH IT!”

    9:06:44 a.m. –   Connell reads a story about people who eat nuts on a daily basis living longer, and being less likely to get Cancer in their lifetime.  Deirdre promptly texts the I-Man:  “I’m eating nuts right now.”   Wow.  They really get the mail early over there.

     

    “I HAVE A…SPECIAL DELIVERY FOR YOU, MRS. IMUS.  ARE THOSE CASHEWS YOU’RE EATING…OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    D.J. ‘NO SPIN’ - BILL O’REILLY.

    THE ‘DUBSTEP’ REMIX

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxxR8JFsvlc

    Wednesday
    Nov202013

    It's Two-Fer Wednesday!

    6:05:00 a.m.  –  The I-Man has to explain to Mr. Wolf that he should not be surprised by the lack of trust exhibited by Carley and Dagen yesterday.  “We are not one, big, happy family, Warner.”   Really?  We always considered ourselves a family.  Just not the Partridge Family or Brady Bunch.

    THIS IS THE FAMILY WE RELATE TO, WARNER

    6:09:56 a.m. –   Imus spent the evening reading an advance copy of Dan Jenkins’ autobiography, His Ownself: A Semi-Memoir.  He’s Jenkins’ biggest fan, to the point where he says that he remembers where he was when he read the first page of Semi-Tough , like he remembers where he was when he heard Elvis died.  We are impressed.  Not that he is such a loyal fan, but that he actually remembers two events over the past 40 years.

    FORTUNATELY, ONE OF THE THINGS ABOUT THE 70’S IMUS HAS LONG FORGOTTEN

    6:20:12 a.m. –   Warner reports a story about the Architects behind the design for the proposed Al Wakrah stadium in Qatar, which is set to host the 2022 World Cup of Soccer.  He says it resembles a vagina.  Yes.  It’s true.  It’s scandalous.  Not that the Stadium looks like the female sex organ, but that WARNER ACTUALLY UTTERED THE WORD VAGINA!!!!!   Holy S#!#!!!!  Is this one of the signs that the book of Revelations foretold?  It certainly suggests the End Times are nigh. If you thought Warner wasn’t going to open that Seventh Seal…YOU LOST!!

    ACTUALLY, RATHER THAN BEING LOCATED IN AN ARAB SOVEREIGN STATE, THIS STADIUM LOOKS MORE…BRAZILIAN

    6:40:34 a.m. –  K.T. McFarland is on to discuss tension  in the Middle East.  Really?  There’s trouble in the Middle East?  Next thing you’re going to tell us, is that Elton John is gay.  Good thing that there’s unrest over there.  Otherwise K.T. would be without a gig.

    “ABDUL!   DID YOU KNOW THE ROCKET MAN…IS GAY?”

    6:55:11 a.m. –  Imus notes that K.T. worked with Henry Kissinger when she was just 18 years old.  She’s a hot number now, and she’s a grandmother.  At 18 that girl must’ve been SMOKIN’.  And all this time we thought Hank believed ‘Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.’  Turns out it’s just a nubile teen.

    “SO…MISS MCFARLAND…YOU…ER…WANT TO COME UP TO MY SUITE?  I WOULD LIKE TO SHOW YOU MY… PHOTOS OF CHANG KAI SHEK”

    7:05:45 a.m. –   The I-Man asks his Boss a question via text message. His Boss, essentially, tells him to mind his own $@*king business.  Well, His Boss didn’t REALLY say that, but, not unlike the I-Man, we like to stir up trouble.  Imus did answer His Boss’ somewhat curt reply, by saying he did not care for  His Boss’ ‘Snippy Attitude’.  You ask us…he really shouldn’t talk to Deirdre like that.

    YOU SHOULD ALWAYS THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU HIT ‘SEND’

    7:15:30 a.m. –   Dagen introduces a new word to the Imus Lexicon:  ‘Orca Fat’, a phrase used in the movie ‘The Usual Suspects’, by Kevin Spacey as Verbal Kint.  Shamu called…he said he’s not fat…he’s just ‘Big Boned’ and has a very sluggish metabolism due to a thyroid problem.  Which is suprising, considering how much fish he eats…

    “IS IT HOT IN HERE?  OR IS IT JUST ME?  HEY FLIPPER!  YOU GONNA EAT THAT CHEESECAKE?

    7:40:22 a.m. –  Blonde on Blonde.  Imogen Lloyd Weber is here, taking Lis Wiehl’s place, who is nursing an injured knee… (Not the victim of a lead piping by Megan McDowell, btw)  It’s a clash of political ideology…culture…and size. Deirdre, a tall woman, TOWERS over Imogen.  It’s like David vs. Goliath.  If they were both really hot chicks. At one point, when Imogen is bemoaning commercial flights being so noisy…the D-Woman screams what will, most assuredly, go down as the ‘Line of the Year’.  “If you don’t like it, TAKE A PRIVATE JET!!! 

    IMOGEN TAKES ON DEIRDRE…(ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    7:56:13 a.m. –  Tony asks Imus if it seems like it’s been 50 years since the JFK Assassination.  The I-Man responds…yes, in fact, it does.  “Time doesn’t fly when you’re living my life.” , he offers.  He does remember where he was when he first heard the news, however.  He was out in California, coming home early in the morning after attending his 40th High School reunion.

    IMUS’ ‘SENIOR’ (AND BOY, ARE THEY EVER SENIORS) CLASS AT RAMONA HIGH SCHOOL

    8:02:04 a.m. –   Dr. Bill has yet another creative idea for a new segment on the Imus in the Morning Program, in the same vein as ‘Blonde on Blonde’, ‘The Mensa Meeting’ and ‘Vinnie From Queens’.  It would feature Bo Dietl, Michael Reidel, and Ringo Starr.  He wants to call it ‘’Dietl, Reidel and The Beatle”   Hey, Dr. Bill, do us a favor and shut the fu…wait a minute.  That might actually work!

    WE WOULD CALL IT ‘THE PRIVATE DICK, THE THEATER PRICK…AND THE DUMBER THAN A DRUMSTICK’

    8:05:37 a.m. –   Warner gets another opportunity to say ‘Pink Vagina’.  He can’t get enough.  Of saying it, that is.  We believe Warner be rockin’ that My Pillow Topper.  Talk about a “Fair Pole / Foul Pole” and “Hot Dogee.”

    WARNER.  OBVIOUSLY PLAYING ‘POCKET POOL’

    8:17:37 a.m. –   Warner takes YET ANOTHER opportunity to use the term ‘Pink Vagina’.  We are starting to think he might be obsessed, and we are starting to feel sorry for his wife, Sue.  That poor woman must get NO rest, ‘My Pillow’ notwithstanding.  “The Soccer Stadium’s roof appears to have…labia.”  Quite frankly, Gunz is grateful to both Warner AND the architect:  “So that’s what they look like.”  We assume he means ‘stadiums’…to think otherwise would be…way too tragic. Even for him.

    THIS GRAPHIC WORKS…ON MANY LEVELS.  HOW MANY CAN YOU COUNT?

    8:18:40 a.m. –   Imus mentions two Jimmy Breslin columns written in the wake of the Kennedy Assassination that are the two best columns ever written.   The second one, in fact, is STILL taught in Journalism classes to  this day.  Click on the links below and read some truly epically great pieces of writing. 

     http://ralrika.blogspot.com/2010/05/death-in-emergency-room-one.html

    http://www.arlingtoncemetery.net/digging-grave-an-honor.htm

    8:38:16 a.m. –   Jeff Greenfield is on to discuss his book… IF KENNEDY LIVED.  To quote Mike Francesa: Wait a second…wait a second…wait a second.  Wasn’t he JUST here, doing the same thing?  Oh, okay.  This time he’s just on the phone. That makes it different.  One thing we’re sure of.  If Kennedy lived…this book would’ve killed him.  Greenfield makes an arcane reference about a sketch on ‘In Living Color’ that only Comedy nerds like us would get.  Which, later on, will most likely be our ‘Video of the Day’.  If you keep it where it is.

    JEFF GREENFIELD, ON THE SET OF HIS NEW MOVIE: ‘THE LEON PANETTA STORY”

    9:06:44 a.m. –   The I-Man has heard from Van Morrison.  The brilliant musician and songwriter wants to ‘Get together’ while he’s in town.  We wonder why he’s here.  Given his behavior with the Blind Boys of Alabama the last time he was ‘In Studio’, we’re pretty sure it’s not a benefit for The Lighthouse Foundation. Imus says he listens to Van Morrison’s ‘Astral Weeks’…every day.  Jesus.  Waterboard us. 

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IT’S ‘TWO-FER’ WEDNESDAY!

    First, a Tribute to Deirdre and Imogen Lloyd Weber

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_qhLRUh66k

     And…

    The Obscure, Arcane sketch to which Jeff Greenfield was referring

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Opq8YCkFV9s

    Tuesday
    Nov192013

    Is that an Anaconda in Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

    6:05:10–  Carley doesn’t know who Warner picked in the Football Game last night.  She wants to call Gunz to see what the Great Prognosticator, in fact, did say about what would happen between the Panthers and the Patriots.  Imus suggests that she just ask Warner himself… “Don’t you trust him?”   There is a long silence.  Neither she nor Dagen, obviously, have any faith in our faithful sports reporter’s honesty. 

    DON’T DO THIS WITH WARNER.  YOU’LL FRACTURE A VERTEBRAE

    6:06:12 – Trying to get to the bottom of Mayor Rob Ford’s behavior at the City Council meeting yesterday, where, after being stripped of all his powers, he ran into, and knocked over, an old woman, Imus wants to know why Ford needed to get to his brother.  “Was his brother drowing?”   We don’t believe so.  We think the Donut Cart had just arrived.

    “WHERE’S ALL THE CHOCOLATE ONES?  SOMEBODY BETTER APAWLOGIZE..”

    6:17:34 – The I-Man goes all ‘Mike and the Mad Dog’.  He wants to win an argument with Wyatt over whom is the better Quarterback? A.J. McCarron, or Johnny Manziel?    Wyatt is steadfastly in the McCarron Camp.  And we think we know why…and it has nothing to do with the statistics.

    WYATT ALSO THINKS THAT BRENT MUSBURGER IS A VERY WISE MAN

    6:25:05 – Now that it appears Maria Bartiromo  is leaving CNBC for Fox Business, which is a disappointment to the I-Man, as he will no longer be the only ‘Money Honey’ on the network.  He speculates on who will be getting the axe, now that the Beautiful Financial Reporter is going to be on board.  One thing is for sure…we think Melissa Francis’ position is secure…nobody would have the guts to tell her she’s being fired.  Because she will burn this mother %$#^er to the ground.

    “I WON’T BE IGNORED KEVIN...”

    6:40:46 – Bret Baier is on to discuss Rand Paul’s appearance on his show.  The presumptive presidential candidate discussed the Government Showdown.  We would’ve preferred he discussed that Frank Luntz hairstyle he’s rocking.  We’re not saying it’s a toupee’, but…if it was, it would seriously say a lot about his personal judgment…and we don’t think we’d want a guy who thinks it’s okay to be seen in public wearing that…all that close to the nuclear ‘football’.

    QUESTION FOR RAND PAUL:  WHAT ENDANGERED SPECIES DIED ON YOUR DAMN HEAD?

    7:05:15 –  Warner plays ‘The Race Card’, claiming that Carley and Dagen have made him the victim of discrimination because he’s an old, bald Jewish man.   That couldn’t be any further from the truth.  It’s because he’s short.  Both Dagen and Carley are elegantly tall women.  Warner is… a lawn gnome.

    WARNER…REALLY SHOVELING THE ‘FEED’

    7:17:15 –  The I-Man is tired of not being able to see the monitor under the glass top of his desk…he’s been trying the entire four years we’ve been here.  He’s finally had enough, and ordered our stage manager, Nat, to come up with a solution, which he does brilliantly, and rigs a MacGyver like structure, using duct tape and the bottom of an office phone.  It’s not pretty, but it does the trick.   Nat promises to make it look ‘better’ after the Boss gets off the air.  Imus doesn’t care how it looks in the shot, now he can finally see what questions Bernie wants him to ask the guests, and which songs Lou is going to play going into the stopsets.  Actually, aside from the roll of duct tape sitting underneath the phone bottom, providing the necessary ‘lift and tilt’ he desires, it really doesn’t look bad.  Now if only duct tape could work on what’s sitting in front of it.

    THE I-MAN…AFTER GETTING THE ‘NAT’ TREATMENT

    7:31:17 – Bernie Briefing.  Bernard plays a clip from Jon Stewart’s program last night, where there was a story about Hallmark using a Christmas Carol lyric on one of its’ ornaments, but changed the words ‘Don we now our GAY apparel’ for ‘Don we now our FUN apparel.’  Fun is now the new euphemism for ‘Gay’.  Which gives new meaning to the phrase, ‘Blondes have more fun.’

    FUN?  HONESTLY?  NO SELF-RESPECTING GAY MAN WOULD WEAR A SWEATER THIS HIDEOUS

    7:38:16 –  Angela McGlowan is a rarity.  A beauty with brains to match?  A small town girl who’s made it in the big city?  A woman who has made a name for herself in the male dominated cable news media?  NO.  She’s a Black Republican.  That’s about as rare as hair on a frog’s back.

    “OH NO YOU DI-INT, RACHEL MADDOW!”

    8:01:02 –  Scott Salotto is reporting on the Meningitis Vaccine controversy in Princeton.  Imus says he likes it in the butt…and asks Scott if he does as well.  “What is all this lately about being gay?” Scott wants to know.  Imus said he’s referring to the vaccine…prefers the shot in his keister over the arm.   Scott is DEFINITELY not gay.  He is, however, fun. 

    NOW, THIS IS A LOT OF FUN

    8:05:12 –  Happy Birthday, Dick Cavett!  Dick is 77 today.  Double Lucky Numbers.  He should buy a lottery ticket.  Or a Tallulah Bankhead ‘Hoodie’. 

    AND SO YOU SHALL, DEAR BOY.  AND SO YOU SHALL.

    8:07:12 –  It’s not Richard Petty’s birthday, but he was on Regis Philbin’s Sports Show, ‘Crowd Goes Wild’ .  Imus mentions Petty’s ‘Stupid Hat’.  He says he might as well be Carmen Miranda. Dagen makes the ‘Distinction Without A Difference’ comparing Petty’s head gear with…the I-Man’s.  A stupid hat is a stupid hat is a stupid hat.  Imus insists that Petty’s is stupid because of the big feather medallion on the front, whereas, The Boss’ hat has a birdbrain under it.

     

    SIX OF ONE…

    8:38:37 – War Hero, I-Fave and Real American, the Great Senator John McCain is on to discuss Obamacare.  He makes the mistake of taking a sip of coffee during the interview.  Nothing he has said about the possibility of Iranian Nukes, Government Shut Downs or Health Care Reform has registered.  But he makes a slight ‘swallowing sound’, and that becomes the basis for the rest of the interview.  He has a ‘Hanoi Hilton’ flashback.  For 5 and a half years he licked the moisture off a cement wall…doesn’t he deserve at least a cup of damn coffee?  Hasn’t this man given enough?  Must he endure further torture at the hands of the Radio Host with the 14 year old attention span?

    WHO KNEW THAT THIS FIVE YEARS IN HELL WOULD EVENTUALLY PREPARE REAL AMERICAN HERO JOHN MCCAIN FOR A 9 MINUTE INTERVIEW BY JOHN DONALD IMUS?

    9:00:18 –  Connell reads a story about the 20th Alligator found as a pet on Long Island this year.  Naturally, Dr. Bill has something to say about his owning an Alligator…seems he’s not alone…as the I-Man ALSO owns a large reptile.  It’s a one-eyed Python he keeps in his trousers.  He wants to know if Dr. Bill would like to pet it.  Dr. Bill takes a rain check.  He’s no snake charmer.  But we do think he is also a LOT OF FUN.

    IS THAT AN ANACONDA IN YOUR PANTS?  OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

    9:15:30 –  Warner mentions that the tickets for the Superbowl in New Jersey’s Met Life Stadium are about to go on sale…with the cheapest nosebleed seat costing 800 dollars.  He reminisces about attending the Super Bowl in ’73, at the Coliseum.  We think he means 1973 at the L.A. Coliseum.  He actually means 73 A.D. at…THE Coliseum.

    IF YOU HAD THE CHRISTIANS OVER THE LIONS…YOU LOST!

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    KEY AND PEELE,AND THE SPEAKERS AT THE 5TH ANNUAL MEETING OF THE TALLAHASSEE BLACK REPUBLICANS MAKING THE CASE THAT THERE IS DIVERSITY AMONG THEIR RANKS.

       

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2tLyqfJd54 

    Monday
    Nov182013

    Welcome to the Imus Family, Marconi!

    6:05:12 – Warner Wolf called a Sports Bookie to confirm his suspicions about a ‘Push’ counting as a ‘Loss’, as Tony has maintained all along.  The fact that Warner called a REAL bookie about an IMAGINARY bet, using Make Believe money, makes us fictitiously worried.  There were two Pushes this weekend, so he’s technically even…although there are some make-believe ‘Button Men’ who would beg to differ.  Even the Octopus that picks the World Cup Winners has a better record.  And when it’s a ‘tie’ HE never gives back the money.

    THE OCTOPUS IS UP…BY EIGHT

    6:17:34 –  Dagen weighs in on the movie ‘Last Vegas’.  She says she would rather wear Depends than see that movie.  Which would make it very similar to one of those ‘Rocky Horror’ events where people go dressed as the characters. 

    JUST TAKE THOSE OLD RECORDS OFF THE SHELF…

    6:40:13 – Bo Dietl is on to…talk to the President.  Well, he’s not actually talking to the President, he’s talking to the camera, as he believes that Obama watches every Monday Morning.  He also thinks that Santa Claus is watching him.  And that there are little tiny people in his salt shaker.    Old Detectives never die…they just get realllllly paranoid…

    “YOU TALKIN’ TO ME?”

    7:01:12 –  The I-Man mentions that he is not sure where he is when he wakes up.  We think he’d better get used to that phenomenon.  It’s not going to get any better. Obviously, he’s getting confused  because he is travelling so much, sleeping in different towns in Texas…so he’s got nothing to worry about.  When he wakes up and doesn’t know where DEIRDRE is…then he’s got a problem.

    NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO, I-MAN…THERE YOU ARE

    7:07:46 – Wyatt got a new roping horse, that he named ‘Marconi’.  It cost the I-Man 50 thousand dollars.  We are impressed…in fact, we were impressed the first twelve times he told us.  The horse won two events right out of the box…garnering Wyatt a couple hundred bucks for each event…which means by 2048, Marconi will have paid for itself.  Unfortunately, neither Marconi NOR the I-Man will be around to collect.

    MARCONI:  THAT WAS A DAMN FINE HORSE

    7:06:15 – The Rodeo this past weekend was held in New Caney, a town that, the I-Man observes, “Looks like the people all crawled off the bridge in Deliverance.”  Must be something in the water in East Texas.

    “Y’ALL GOIN’ TO THE RODEO?  I GOT KIN COMPETING.  YEAH, ONE OF THE HORSES.”

    7:18:11 –   Carley asks Imus how much he has on his Starbucks Reward account.  When he asks her why she needs to know, she answers, “Just making conversation.”   There is actually a good reason why she asked the question…which we can’t tell you just yet, but will reveal itself sometime very soon.  In the meantime, we will all avoid ‘Making Conversation’…and resort to hand gestures instead.  One in particular:

    WE THINK THE MESSAGE HERE WAS COMMUNICATED QUITE CLEARLY, AND, WITHOUT HAVING TO ‘MAKE CONVERSATION’

    7:40:15 –  The always amusing Laura Ingraham is on with another great impression.  It’s Kathleen Sebelius.  Well, at least that’s what she tells us.  At first we mistook it for her Nancy Pelosi and then her Hilary Clinton.  Laura needs to pick someone who nobody really knows what they sound like.  Then she could do a killer Herbert Hoover, Clara Barton and St. Jerome.

    LAURA DRESSED UP AS THE 31ST PRESIDENT TO TRICK OR TREAT THIS YEAR FOR HALLOWEEN

    8:45:09 –  Laura speaks about her adoption charity, aimed at trying to get Russian President Vladimir Putin to recall his ban of Russian Children being adopted by American Parents.  Obviously, Laura hasn’t seen ‘Red Dawn’…where the Russians invade Middle America…and try to destroy Patrick Swayze…and the rest of the country.

    “DAMN YOU, LAURA INGRAHAM!”

    8:05:43 – The I-Man tells Nat that “The Hand Sanitizer doesn’t work.”   “You mean, it’s not coming out?”  asks  our fearless Stage Manager.   “How the hell else would it not work?”  Well, the way the jobless claims have been going, it may have filed for unemployment benefits.  Imus informs Nat that the proper answer to his statement is “I’ll fix it.”…which is the same answer Deirdre will get when Imus ‘Stops working’.

    “YOU’VE GOT TO SQUEEZE THE BAG” WHICH IS ALSO THE ANSWER DEIRDRE WILL GET WHEN IMUS…NEVER MIND.

    8:12:24 – Dagen reports that in the race yesterdee in Homestead, Florida… a ‘Tar went on Far…and the wheel done blowed up real good.’    And some people say NASCAR drivers aren’t really athletes…of course they are.  They’re just not elocutionists.

    “YEAH, I THOUGHT SHE’S RUNNIN’ A LITTLE HOT…THAT’S GONNA PUT YOU BACK ABOUT 20 POSITIONS NOW…BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS…YOU’RE STILL AHEAD OF DANICA”

    8:17:34 – Happy Birthday to Wes Bowmaster, one of the cowboys at the Imus Ranch.  He looks like he should be on the cover of a Zane Grey paperback.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY WES.  PARTY TIL THE COWS COME HOME.  YOU BETTER HURRY, THOUGH, BECAUSE THEY’RE UM…STAMPEDING TOWARDS THE BARN

    8:40:08 – I-Fave, Frank Rich, is on to discuss Obamacare and…Stephen Sondheim.  Talk about range.  Somehow, he makes it work.  Imus is a HUGE fan of Frank’s writing, but thinks he’s wasting his talent doing the junk he’s doing now.  We ask what he thinks Mr. Rich should be writing.  “Novels”, the I-Man says.  What kind of novels?  We can only hope:

    FRANK RICH’S NEWEST BESTSELLER

    9:05:10 – The I-Man makes the observation that Pervez Musharraf, the former Pakistani Military Leader about to be tried for high treason, reminds him of a number of sales managers he has worked for over the years. 

    “YOU KNOW ME BRO…I GET RESULTS…I SUBSCRIBE TO THE ABC RULE:  ‘ALWAYS BE CLOSING’…BUT I NEED YOU TO DO A GOOD JOB FOR ME ON THIS ERECTION CREAM STUFF, BRO.  WE’RE TALKING BIG TIME SHEKELS.”

    9:17:34 –  Warner discusses whether or not NASCAR drivers are athletes.  He maintains that they have finely tuned reflexes and ‘Stanima’…which is a form of endurance and fortitude taught by this guy named ‘Stan’.    

    STAN’S REMARKABLE NEW PRODUCT (AND IT’S ‘ALL NATURAL’ AND ‘VEGAN’)

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    NOT THAT WE’RE AGAINST ADOPTION…BUT ONCE YOU LET THE RUSSIANS IN…

    THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW THERE’S AN INVASION…

      

    PRAY THAT THE ‘WOLVERINES’ WILL PROTECT YOU

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_I4WgBfETc 

     

     

    Friday
    Nov152013

    Vinnie From Queens!

    6:05:12 –   Today is a very special day on the Imus in the Morning Program…a joyful day for a couple of people who we dearly love…who are among our favorite people on the planet…and we could not be happier for them.   Delbert and the Band will be part of ‘Imus at Night’ on December 5th at the Mohegan Sun.  Oh yeah…Bigfoot and Alyce are getting married tonight.

    “I KNOW I’M GOING TO REGRET THIS…BUT I MIGHT GET ANOTHER BLUES SONG OUT OF IT.”

    6:07:14 –   The I-Man waxes nostalgic about the 12 years that he’s known Bigfoot and Alyce, who were with us ever since the MSNBC days, and have been loyal staff members, manning the booth, in every Television incarnation we have ever been associated with.  We are looking forward to celebrating this joyous event with both of them…partly because of how much we love them both…but mostly because The Boss won’t be attending.  By ‘The Boss’, we don’t mean Springsteen, despite the fact that the wedding will be held in New Jersey.

    WE THINK THAT REFERRING TO ALYCE AS A LUMBERJACK IS VERY MISLEADING

    6:17:34 – Warner tries to pull a fast one, claiming that a ‘tie’ is a ‘win’.  Not according to Vito ‘The Butcher of Bologna’ Capobianco, who is an ‘expert’ on such things…and who is more than happy to ‘explain’ it to him.

    “IF YOU HAD A ‘TIE’…YOU LOST!”

    6:40:13 –  Paul Begala is on, and according to the I-Man, is the Spin MASTER.  At any given moment, he can provide an interpretation to persuade public opinion in favor for whomever he is an apologist at the time. He could turn Hitler into ‘A Misunderstood Romantic…With a Dream.’

    HE KNOWS WHEN YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING…

    6:47:22 – Begala ends all speculation about whether or not Chris Christie is going to run.  He assures us it will DEFINITELY happen. He hasn’t announced yet, but, not unlike the Governor eventually walking into a Dunkin Donuts…it’s only a matter of time.

    “TIME TO EAT THE DONUTS…”

    7:05:12 – The I-Man asks a pertinent question:  “What time is sunrise?”   Usually the time when the sun comes up.  We’ll try to look up the actual time for you…but we’ll need to take our sunglasses off because there’s so much glare in the studio.”

    LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE SAYS: “IT’LL COME OUT TOMORROW”

    7:15:46 –  Deirdre sents a frantic text to the I-Man.  Apparently there is a dead, white bird on their terrace.  It fell out of the sky in front of her…and it has no head.  This sounds like the pre-credits sequence of a ‘Law & Order: Special Victims Unit’ episode.  The D-Woman, understandably, sounded a little freaked out by the  incident.  A white bird, probably a Dove of Peace, dead on the terrace of the Imus Penthouse?  Sounds like a suicide, to us.

    IN ISLAMIC DREAM INTERPRETATION, A WHITE BIRD RESEMBLES YOUR ‘WORK IS CLEAN’, IF IT’S ‘BEHEADED’, IT MEANS… ‘DON’T BUY GREEN BANANAS OR RENEW YOUR MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS’

    7:40:37 – Another exciting edition of ‘Vinnie From Queens’, the Sports Forum with Tony, Warner, Gunz and Lou.  Gunz, in light of the train wreck that he called his hairstyle on yesterday’s ‘Mensa Meeting’, chose wisely when he groomed for today’s appearance:  He wore a hat.  A knit, wool watchcap.  Which, unfortunately, looked like an fully unrolled condom on his head.  This kid has the fashion sense of Jose Feliciano.

    UNFORTUNATELY…THIS PROPHYLACTIC WON’T PROTECT YOU FROM…HIS THOUGHTS

    8:02:15 –   Given the success of “Blonde on Blonde”, “Mensa Meeting” and “Vinnie From Queens”, Dr. Bill Evans suggests a new segment, featuring himself, Al Roker and Lloyd Lindsay Young, called “What’s Up With That Cold Front.” 

    WE THINK A SEGMENT FEATURING ‘THE WEATHERMEN’ WOULD BE FASCINATING

    8:02:45 –   The I-Man has his own suggestion for a new feature on the program:  “Celebrity Divorce Court.”   ARCANE REFERENCE ALERT.

    DR. BILL MAKES A GUEST STARRING APPEARANCE ON IMUS’ NEW SHOW

    8:18:27 –   In Warner’s Sports Report, he is disturbed about a story in which a Beaumont, Texas, Assistant Math Teacher knocked out a 4 foot 11 inch, eighth grade student for teasing him about his favorite sports team losing.  The I-Man’s take?  What do YOU think?   “Hey, how about keeping your mouth shut there, Tiny?  Where’s your effing homework?”  

    THE ‘THREE R’S’: ‘

    “READIN’, RITIN’…AND RASSLIN’”

    8:40:13 –   Matt Taibbi is on to talk about the idiotic behavior of the media, handicapping the 2016 Presidential Race when it’s still so far off.  He shares the joyous news that he is about to be a new dad.  It’s a boy, and appears to be a chip off the old block.  He’s not even born yet and he’s writing a column for The New York Times.

    TAIBBI JUNIOR IN THE FAMILY BUSINESS:

    “THE CONUNDRUM EXTANT IN THE WORKPLACE REMAINS THE RHETORICAL QUESTION ‘WHAT DOES ONE CALL A CO-WORKER?’  THE ANSWER BROUGHT FROM ACADEMIA TO THE POLITICAL WORLD BY HENRY KISSINGER AND NOW BANDIED ABOUT IN THE BOARDROOM IS ‘COLLEAGUE’.  IT HAS A NICE UPPER-EGALITARIAN FEEL, RELATED TO THE GOOD FELLOWHIP OF COLLEGIAL, AND DOES NOT BELIE THE FACT THAT, IN MY CASE, THE COLLEAGUES ARE ALL SITTING IN A PILE OF THEIR OWN FECAL MATTER.” 

    8:55:53 –    We learn from Gunz that he has asked Carley to go to a concert with him.  We assume he had tickets to see The Eagles, because, he must’ve checked the temperature in hell…and it has been a little cooler. 

    GUNZ:  HERE’S YOUR SIGN.  THERE’S ANOTHER ONE RIGHT BEHIND THAT SAYS: 

    “YOU STILL DON’T HAVE A SHOT”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A Preview of the New Segment on the

    Imus in the Morning Program:

    CELEBRITY DIVORCE COURT

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BgrG4SB3Kw