6:05:00 a.m. – We begin the I-Man’s last ‘In-Studio’ appearance for the summer, as he is leaving for the Ranch tomorrow morning. As a going away gift, he has reinstated Warner’s ‘Guarantee’ Privileges. Apparently, Mr. Wolf’s prognostication about the Miami Heat / San Antonio Spurs game last night, was almost dead on. In celebration of his return to Guarantee Prominence, the Wolfman is so sure that he is about to enjoy an entire summer of correct predictions…that he sets his Betamax to record every sporting event until September.
THIS WEEKEND, WARNER AND HIS WIFE ARE GONNA GO CRAZY AND POP IN SOME CLASSIC EPISODES OF ‘THE TOMORROW SHOW WITH TOM SNYDER’
6:10:17 a.m. – It seems that the I-Man has had some unpleasant words with Tom Bowman, the Executive Producer of the Television Portion of the Imus in the Morning Program on Fox Business. Just prior to airtime, he informed Bigfoot that he will need a ‘Hair’ and ‘Makeup’ person out at the Ranch. Bigfoot: “But we’ve never had one before.” Uh oh. Oh no, you di-int. Forget the fact that The Boss has FIRED people for using that very phrase…but how could Bigfoot POSSIBLY think that the I-Man isn’t going to need MAKE UP? Are they planning on shooting him through Vaseline? People will think they’re watching a clip from the Broadway Musical ‘Phantom of the Opera’.
AT THE VERY LEAST, THEY SHOULD JUST GIVE HIM A LITTLE POWDER
6:17:42 a.m. – An excited I-Man informs Warner that, last night, he actually watched…Jeopardy! He was pretty unimpressed. “I’ll take Television Hosts for 200, Alex.” “The answer is: ‘Despite the fact that he has helmed this time-honored Game Show for years…he is positively AWFUL’.” “Who is…Alex Trebek?” No, seriously…who IS Alex Trebek? And why won’t this loser moron get off my television?
“I’LL TAKE ‘WHINY MULTI-MILLIONAIRES FOR 400, ALEX”
6:40:18 a.m. – Eddie Money, the classic 80’s artist, is downstairs in the Plaza, performing in a Tent for the folks at ‘Fox n’ Friends’. Imus had been offered Mr. Money as a possible guest, to which the I-Man replied there wasn’t ENOUGH Money on the planet to put him on. Despite the fact that Famous Dave’s is offering Free Barbecue, and Krispy Kreme is providing Free Chocolate Donuts for National Donut Day, it is POURING rain, and we think that may factor into the somewhat lackluster public response to Mr. Money’s appearance. His ‘Fan’ may be put off. Oh, who are we kidding? Let’s face it. Tropical Storm Andrea aside…nobody’s watching Eddie Money…because he SUCKS. Two tickets to…the Cemetery. How about that, Eddie?
EDDIE MONEY…THEN, AND NOW.
(TO PARAPHRASE THE BEATLES… ‘MONEY CAN’T BUY YOU…TALENT’)
6:45:24 a.m. – The Boss is going out to the Ranch tomorrow, where he will be at 6000 ft. altitude, surrounded by thick smoke from the Forest Fires in New Mexico. He’d have an easier time breathing if he were to do the show underwater.
7:06:58 a.m. – The I-Man promotes Delbert McClinton’s upcoming appearance this coming Tuesday. Delbert’s new album is a collaboration with his old friend Glen Clark, and is titled ‘Blind, Crippled, and Crazy’.
THE COVER TO DELBERT AND GLEN’S NEW RECORD
7:13:16 a.m. – Imus provides us with some Pizza perspective. “Would anybody EVER eat Papa John’s?” We’re not sure where this line of thought came from, or why he decided to blurt it out at this particular moment in time, but, perhaps he’s merely emptying the ‘Dumptruck’ that is his mind. He shares that Papa John is about as smarmy and sleazy as…Joel Osteen. This is how we know Jesus is not back …because He hasn’t yet smacked either of these two pantloads in the mouth…
WHICH IS CHEESIER? JOEL? JOHN? OR THE PIZZA?
7:21:38 a.m. – Not that he would’ve put him on the air anyway, but Imus finds out that in the book Jonathan Alter wanted to promote, Alter brutally savages Roger Ailes. Jonathan maintains that Ailes is so secretive and paranoid, that he enters the News Corp building, (Which is home to the Fox News Network, the Fox Business network, and the offices of the Legendary Tabloid New York Post) through the side door. Imus points out that he ALSO uses this entrance. As does Connell, Dagen, Rob, Tony, Carley, Nat, Megyn Kelly, Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity. In fact, the only one who doesn’t, is Little Richard. He always comes in ‘The Back Door.’ Boom! Shut up! I’ll be here all week. Please tip your waitresses.
“ROGER? ROGER WHO? WE DON’T KNOW ANY ROGER? BUT IF WE DID…WHAT PASSWORD WOULD HE USE? JONATHAN ALTER SUCKS? OKAY, C’MON IN”
7:24:48 a.m. – Imus is still ruminating about the ‘gift’ that Paul Anka’s publicist sent over as a token of ‘Thanks’ for having Paul on the program last month to promote his autobiography. The Boss notes that you could get one of those Crystal Decanters at a gas station after you fill up 5 times in a row. It’s also a little known fact that, at Christmas time, Hess Stations fill those toy trucks with Hennessy.
“ONE MORE FILL UP AND WE WILL HAVE THE WHOLE SET OF GLASSES!”
7:39:17 a.m. – Dr. Alan Katz, noted Urologist, and the I-Man’s Personal Prostate Pal, is on to promote his upcoming ‘Men’s Health Seminar’. He promises to answer all Men’s questions like, “Hey Doc, I just had unprotected sex with a chick I picked up at the bar and now I have flames shooting out of my penis, is that bad?” “You mean, you have a burning sensation?” “No, there’s actually FIRE coming out of it.”
“I KNEW I SHOULD’VE USED A CONDOM! PENNICILLIN IS DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO HELP THIS!”
8:11:34 a.m. – Connell reports that the Pope has opted to stay in the Vatican Hotel, rather than the Papal Residence, for the benefit of his mental health. We assume that he does that to remain grounded, and not be affected by the power of his position, but the I-Man interprets the news as evidence that the Pope is crazy. Just because a man believes that he speaks directly to God, and FOR God, is no reason to assume he is ‘crazy’. Some people believe they actually ARE God…now THAT’S crazy…although it doesn’t seem to interfere with hosting a nationally syndicated morning radio and television program.
“NOW…THE TITLES TO THOSE PAY PER VIEW MOVIES…THEY WON’T SHOW UP ON THE BILL, RIGHT?”
8:18:34 a.m. – Warner shares a story about Fernando Lamas, and the recently ‘Dead in the Water’ Esther Williams. Apparently, the Latin Lover Lamas used to remove his trousers when driving in the car, and put them on once he arrived at his destination, so as not to wrinkle the pants. Yeah, that’s the excuse we use too. He’s riding in the car with his hot, swimmer wife, who OBVIOUSLY knows how to hold her breath…yeah, Warner…it’s all about the crease.
FERNANDO GETS READY TO GO FOR A DRIVE WITH ESTHER
8:23:45 a.m. – “I’m rehiring Matthew Hiltzik”, Imus says. “I’m just not going to pay him.” This is quite an innovative Business Model. We wonder if the IRS would be okay if we started to apply that technique when it comes time to file taxes. Something tells us that’s not going to fly very well with them. Although there are remarkable similarities between the low-rent, slimy, douche nozzle Hiltzik…and the Internal Revenue Service
MATTHEW HILTZIK…SLIPS INTO SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE…BEFORE HE SCREWS THE I-MAN
8:29:45 a.m. – It’s time for the monthly Jobs report, and to provide us with the numbers, Imus introduces our Fox Business Correspondent, “Here now is the Snivelling Little Titty Baby With The Stick Up His Butt, Peter Barnes”, apparently, unaware that Barnes is hearing all of this. “I thought you were on location in Washington, and, out of earshot. So, at this point, please allow me to say…I meant every word.”
YOU CAN’T SEE THE STICK FROM HERE
8:54:17 A.M. - The real Larry King has been the guest, and the I-Man goes on about how great he is, and how much he loves him, until Bernie reminds him that, it wasn’t too long ago when he was threatening to “Punch that old bastard in the mouth.” Poor Larry had done something to curry disfavor with The Boss, and, therefore, the threat of physical violence. Yeah. Tough guy. Vow to kick the ass of an 80 year old fossil who will break a hip if you just LOOK at him crosseyed. We think that might actually make for a Pay Per View we would GLADLY and eagerly purchase. Especially if Imus doesn’t connect on the first punch…because he’d be so winded at that point, Larry would show him the textbook definition of ‘Roping the Dope’.
“AND DOWN GOES THE CRANKY COWBOY!”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
WE BID A FOND FAREWELL TO THE LATE, GREAT, ESTHER WILLIAMS
(A BITTERSWEET MOMENT, ON ONE HAND, WE LOST A BELOVED HOLLYWOOD LEGEND…ON THE OTHER HAND, WE HAD HER IN THE, APPROPRIATELY NAMED ‘DEAD POOL’.)