6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man asks Warner who won the College World Series. Warner informs the Boss that it’s ‘Vanderbilt’. “WELL ALRIGHT!” comes the excited response. Until he realizes he was actually rooting for Virginia, which is Tony’s Alma Mater. “Too many V’s, I get confused” the I-Man explains. We hope he’s never confronted with having to make a choice between Vagina and Vasectomy.
6:13:14 a.m. – The Boss praises yesterday’s Blog, in which, the choke chains were taken off so we could “Go Solange” on our co-workers. You might want to check it out now, as it will be mere moments before you will have to pay for the privilege of reading about how we keep our ‘Pimp Hand’ strong. You cheap bastards have been getting a free ride for too long now, and the money is going to the Imus Ranch for Kids With Cancer. So you better hurry up and subscribe to “Inside Im……………………………………………………………………………………………
See what will happen? You don’t want that, do you? We didn’t think so. Pony up, bitches. Comedy’s not cheap.
SOME OF YOU TAKE A LONG, LAST LOOK… THE REST OF YOU WHO UTILIZED THE LITTLE ‘CLICK BOX’ UP THERE ON THE TOP RIGHT CORNER OF THE SCREEN, THANK YOU FOR KEEPING YOUR ‘CLICK HAND’ STRONG.
6:15:30 a.m. – Carley was on ‘Red Eye’ the other evening, and the Boss is looking to Bigfoot to provide a clip of our lovely Associate Producer’s late night T.V. debut. Bowman runs some silent footage, and the I-Man chastises him for there not being any sound. What he doesn’t realize is that 99.99% of the men who watched Carley, late at night, in their darkened bedrooms…didn’t have the sound on anyway. That way, they could imagine her saying “Hey there, handsome, your wife is wrong…you’re not a fat loser.” And not what she would most likely be saying to them. “You have about as much chance as a date with me as Gunz.”
6:37:07 a.m. – Stuart Varney is on to sing the praises of Obama. PSYCHE! We turned the sound down on him, as we normally do, but always like to imagine what he said: (In Stuart’s British accent) “Sometimes, after a shower, I like to tuck it between my legs so that I know what’s it’s like to feel like a natural woman…and then ride my tractor in my socks and sandals”. However, he does come out in favor of Rob’s ‘Clinton the Musical’ bit, which the I-Man HATED, thinking it was old and lame. He didn’t realize that it was a parody as timely as today’s headlines, based on a real story Connell had YESTERDAY on this very program, about an actual show titled ‘Clinton the Musical, debuting this July, with an eye towards a potential Broadway Run. Unfortunately, Stuart had to qualify his review. “It was funny…I wasn’t rolling on the floor…but it was funny.” Well, Stu Baby, we feel the same way about the Battle of Yorktown. A real laugh riot. We’re not so sure the Redcoats share in that opinion. Stuart is a British Import second only to Mad Cow Disease. Thanks for the props, Stu. And, word to the wise, ‘Pasties’ in America aren’t little meat pies, as they are in England. Here, they are nipple covers for strippers. Just FYI next time you order a couple at ‘Scores’.
IF WE READ OUR HISTORY BOOKS CORRECTLY, QUITE A FEW BRITISH SOLDIERS WERE ‘ROLLING ON THE FLOOR’ THAT DAY
7:05:28 a.m. – Another clip of Carley on ‘Red Eye’ is played, in which, she weighed in on the controversy over ‘Robot Newscasters’, which could possibly take jobs away from humans. We’re in favor of a ‘Robot Imus’, so should the I-Man take a premature Dirt Nap, we’ll all still have a job. But when you get to thinking about it, Robots would actually KEEP people working. The only problem with an Android I-Man is…when he wets the bed, it’ll short out the whole system. Although, we suspect Deirdre already has a ‘Robot Imus’ back home in her sock drawer.
“ARE YOUR PEACHES OILY?” IRONICALLY, THIS ‘ROBOT I-MAN’ HAD TO HAVE ITS CARBUREATOR REPLACED. IT COULDN’T BREATHE EITHER
7:39:34 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting. Which we think should be renamed: “A Coupla Morons Sitting Around Talking…and Deirdre.” One of the topics is about a man who was trapped in a Vagina…don’t get any images of an anatomical ‘Chinese Handcuffs’ now, it was just a statue. Apparently, there was an exchange student in Mainz Germany, who, on a dare, posed inside the sculpture for a photo…and got stuck. Not the first time a man found himself getting stuck in a bad situation because of a vagina. It actually drives the panel to speak somewhat inappropriately for a ‘Family Show’. Decorum and better judgment prevents us from articulating the salty discourse, all we can say is that the term ‘Dry-Wall’ now has a very special new meaning. Gunz is especially intrigued by the topic…which isn’t a surprise, considering he’s never seen one before. Not a statue, that is…a vagina. Although from what we hear via his pals down at the gym, the badger- haired virgin would never have a problem getting stuck in one. It seems like EVERYTHING on that boy is small.
THE GERMAN STATUE (L) AND ITS’ AMERICAN COUNTERPART IN D.C. (R)
7:41:24 a.m. – Another topic concerns Guns in Schools. Deirdre claims Guns should NOT be in school. Which contradicts the consensus that her panel-mate, ‘Gunz’, SHOULD. Be in school, that is. To which he should be driven in a ‘Short Bus’ wearing a hockey helmet…and a drool cup. And a leash to tie to the desk so he doesn’t wander off. He’s not beyond escaping to the boys room to drink out of the toilet.
8:06:32 a.m. – The I-Man is a little hard on himself this morning. Which, normally, would be a good thing…and not require the I-Woman to go to her sock drawer for her ‘Robot I-Man’. That said, he says that the Mensa Meeting ‘Sucked’…and that IT’S HIS FAULT! We will pause here so you can get yourself up off the floor and wrap your head around that last statement. He says that he was ‘Unprepared’. He had 3 pages of topics, instead of narrowing it down to…3 topics. He also said that he was guilty of not instructing the panel about the ‘New Format’, in which he now tosses a question to one individual and expects the rest to jump in as they see fit…without talking over each other, of course. He doesn’t want them sitting there waiting to be called on, and “…. dammit, why do I have to explain everything to you morons? Why is it that you can’t just use some effing common sense, and not grind the program to a halt and screw the I-Man? You’re all so stupid it makes my hair hurt. It’s all Rob’s Fault. I mean…my fault.”
IF HE WANTS TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING…HE SHOULD START WITH HIS HAIR
8:12:18 a.m. – Tony makes the mistake of telling Imus that maybe the Audience liked the segment a lot more than he did. The I-Man says that the audience doesn’t know anything and should just ‘Shut Up’. If they knew what the hell they were doing, they would have their own radio program. He doesn’t need them offering any suggestions…like his friend Fran Wood, wife of the Daily News Media columnist David Hinckley, and an accomplished painter, who weighs in, from time to time, with various criticisms and suggestions. You know, the way most old people who have too much time on their hands like to do. It’s not like he calls her up and tells her which color to use when she’s painting one of her landscapes. Put a sock in it, Grandma Moses, and go paint another tree.
“HEY FRAN…EASY ON THE # 17s. THEY SHOULDN’T ALL BE TITTANIUM WHITE.”
8:38:14 a.m. – Mike Emmanuel, Chief Congressional Correspondent for Fox News, is on to discuss Speaker of the House Boehner’s plans to sue the President for ‘Misusing Executive Powers’. Boehner makes it sound like Obama is using his Super Heat Vision to cook bacon in the White House.
SUPER ‘O’ DEFENDING THE WORLD AGAINST THE EVIL ORANGE SPEAKER
VIDEO OF THE DAY
GIVEN THE DISCUSSION ABOUT THE ROBOT NEWSCASTERS, WE CHECK IN WITH THE MOST POPULAR ROBOTS AT THE BOX OFFICE THESE DAYS:
‘The Transformers Go Hollywood’