Member Nav

 

Deirdre's Corner

Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Psychos segments on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7:35am and Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Dangers of Formaldehyde Lurk in Everyday Products

by Deirdre Imus - The chemical and known human carcinogen formaldehyde pops up in many unexpected places, like pressed wood products such as cabinets and flooring, hair straightening or curling treatments, fertilizers, cigarette smoke, and some plastic and paper products. It is also used to kill germs, or as a preservative, which is its main function in the funeral industry. And, it is putting at risk the lives of those who deal with the dead.  Read more...

Playing Offense Against GMO's: Your Right To Know

by Deirdre Imus - Back in April the popular Mexican restaurant chain Chipotle announced it would use only ingredients free of genetically modified organisms, or GMOs.  Last year, Whole Foods Market committed to “full transparency” on products containing GMOs, demanding that by 2018 all products sold in its U.S. and Canadian stores be labeled to indicate if they contain genetically engineered materials. These are noble proclamations with potentially huge implications and should not be taken lightly.  Read more...

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

Deirdre's Book Pick Of The Week

 

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing

This #1 New York Times best-selling guide to decluttering your home from Japanese cleaning consultant Marie Kondo takes readers step-by-step through her revolutionary KonMari Method for simplifying, organizing, and storing.  Read more....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Follow Us On

  
Inside Imus Control Center
The Imus Ranch

Wyatt Wins! 

 

 

 

 

Recent Guests:
    Thursday
    Jun262014

    Become an Inside Imus Member!

    6:05:10 a.m. –    The I-Man asks Warner who won the College World Series.  Warner informs the Boss that it’s ‘Vanderbilt’.  “WELL ALRIGHT!” comes the excited response.  Until he realizes he was actually rooting for Virginia, which is Tony’s Alma Mater.  “Too many V’s, I get confused” the I-Man explains.  We hope he’s never confronted with having to make a choice between Vagina and Vasectomy.

    VANDERBILT VICTORIUS.

    6:13:14 a.m. – The Boss praises yesterday’s Blog, in which, the choke chains were taken off so we could “Go Solange” on our co-workers.  You might want to check it out now, as it will be mere moments before you will have to pay for the privilege of reading about how we keep our ‘Pimp Hand’ strong.  You cheap bastards have been getting a free ride for too long now, and the money is going to the Imus Ranch for Kids With Cancer.  So you better hurry up and subscribe to “Inside Im……………………………………………………………………………………………

     

     

     

    See what will happen? You don’t want that, do you?  We didn’t think so.  Pony up, bitches.  Comedy’s not cheap.

    SOME OF YOU TAKE A LONG, LAST LOOK… THE REST OF YOU WHO UTILIZED THE LITTLE ‘CLICK BOX’ UP THERE ON THE TOP RIGHT CORNER OF THE SCREEN, THANK YOU FOR KEEPING YOUR ‘CLICK HAND’ STRONG.

    6:15:30 a.m. – Carley was on ‘Red Eye’ the other evening, and the Boss is looking to Bigfoot to provide a clip of our lovely Associate Producer’s late night T.V. debut.  Bowman runs some silent footage, and the I-Man chastises him for there not being any sound.  What he doesn’t realize is that 99.99% of the men who watched Carley, late at night, in their darkened bedrooms…didn’t have the sound on anyway.  That way, they could imagine her saying “Hey there, handsome, your wife is wrong…you’re not a fat loser.”  And not what she would most likely be saying to them.  “You have about as much chance as a date with me as Gunz.”

    UM…DID SHE SAY SOMETHING?  I WAS…UM…BUSY DOING SOMETHING ELSE.

    6:37:07 a.m. – Stuart Varney is on  to sing the praises of Obama.  PSYCHE!  We turned the sound down on him, as we normally do, but always like to imagine what he said: (In Stuart’s British accent) “Sometimes, after a shower, I like to tuck it between my legs so that I know what’s it’s like to feel like a natural woman…and then ride my tractor in my socks and sandals”.  However, he does come out in favor of Rob’s ‘Clinton the Musical’ bit, which the I-Man HATED, thinking it was old and lame.  He didn’t realize that it was a parody as timely as today’s headlines, based on a real story Connell had YESTERDAY on this very program, about an actual show titled ‘Clinton the Musical, debuting this July, with an eye towards a potential Broadway Run.  Unfortunately, Stuart had to qualify his review.  “It was funny…I wasn’t rolling on the floor…but it was funny.”   Well, Stu Baby, we feel the same way about the Battle of Yorktown.  A real laugh riot.  We’re not so sure the Redcoats share in that opinion.  Stuart is a British Import second only to Mad Cow Disease.  Thanks for the props, Stu.  And, word to the wise, ‘Pasties’ in America aren’t little meat pies, as they are in England.  Here, they are nipple covers for strippers.  Just FYI next time you order a couple at ‘Scores’.

    IF WE READ OUR HISTORY BOOKS CORRECTLY, QUITE A FEW BRITISH SOLDIERS WERE ‘ROLLING ON THE FLOOR’ THAT DAY

    7:05:28 a.m. – Another clip of Carley on ‘Red Eye’ is played, in which, she weighed in on the controversy over ‘Robot Newscasters’, which could possibly take jobs away from humans.  We’re in favor of a ‘Robot Imus’, so should the I-Man take a premature Dirt Nap, we’ll all still have a job.  But when you get to thinking about it, Robots would actually KEEP people working.  The only problem with an Android I-Man is…when he wets the bed, it’ll short out the whole system.  Although, we suspect Deirdre already has a ‘Robot Imus’ back home in her sock drawer.

    “ARE YOUR PEACHES OILY?”   IRONICALLY, THIS ‘ROBOT I-MAN’ HAD TO HAVE ITS CARBUREATOR REPLACED.  IT COULDN’T BREATHE EITHER

    7:39:34 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting.  Which we think should be renamed: “A Coupla Morons Sitting Around Talking…and Deirdre.” One of the topics is about a man who was trapped in a Vagina…don’t get any images of an anatomical ‘Chinese Handcuffs’ now, it was just a statue.  Apparently, there was an exchange student in Mainz Germany, who, on a dare, posed inside the sculpture for a photo…and got stuck.  Not the first time a man found himself getting stuck in a bad situation because of a vagina.  It actually drives the panel to speak somewhat inappropriately for a ‘Family Show’.  Decorum and better judgment prevents us from articulating the salty discourse, all we can say is that the term ‘Dry-Wall’ now has a very special new meaning.   Gunz is especially intrigued by the topic…which isn’t a surprise, considering he’s never seen one before.  Not a statue, that is…a vagina.  Although from what we hear via his pals down at the gym, the badger- haired virgin would never have a problem getting stuck in one.  It seems like EVERYTHING on that boy is small.

     

    THE GERMAN STATUE (L) AND ITS’ AMERICAN COUNTERPART IN D.C. (R)

    7:41:24 a.m. – Another topic concerns Guns in Schools.  Deirdre claims Guns should NOT be in school.  Which contradicts the consensus that her panel-mate, ‘Gunz’, SHOULD.  Be in school, that is.  To which he should be driven in a ‘Short Bus’ wearing a hockey helmet…and a drool cup.  And a leash to tie to the desk so he doesn’t wander off.   He’s not beyond escaping  to the boys room to drink out of the toilet.

    TAKING OFF HIS HELMET FOR THE PICTURE, WE REALIZE THAT, ‘MENSA MEETING’ OR NOT, THIS IS A YOUNG MAN WHO SHOULD BE KEPT AWAY FROM SHARP OBJECTS

    8:06:32 a.m. – The I-Man is a little hard on himself this morning.   Which, normally, would be a good thing…and not require the I-Woman to go to her sock drawer for her ‘Robot I-Man’.  That said, he says that the Mensa Meeting ‘Sucked’…and that IT’S HIS FAULT!  We will pause here so you can get yourself up off the floor and wrap your head around that last statement.  He says that he was ‘Unprepared’.  He had 3 pages of topics, instead of narrowing it down to…3 topics.  He also said that he was guilty of not instructing the panel about the ‘New Format’, in which he now tosses a question to one individual and expects the rest to jump in as they see fit…without talking over each other, of course.  He doesn’t want them sitting there waiting to be called on, and “…. dammit, why do I have to explain everything to you morons?  Why is it that you can’t just use some effing common sense, and not grind the program to a halt and screw the I-Man?  You’re all so stupid it makes my hair hurt.    It’s all Rob’s Fault.    I mean…my fault.”

    IF HE WANTS TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING…HE SHOULD START WITH HIS HAIR

    8:12:18 a.m. – Tony makes the mistake of telling Imus that maybe the Audience liked the segment a lot more than he did.  The I-Man says that the audience doesn’t know anything and should just ‘Shut Up’.  If they knew what the hell they were doing, they would have their own radio program.  He doesn’t need them offering any suggestions…like his friend Fran Wood, wife of the Daily News Media columnist David Hinckley, and an accomplished painter, who weighs in, from time to time, with various criticisms and suggestions.   You know, the way most old people who have too much time on their hands like to do.   It’s not like he calls her up and tells her which color to use when she’s painting one of her landscapes.  Put a sock in it, Grandma Moses, and go paint another tree.

    “HEY FRAN…EASY ON THE # 17s.  THEY SHOULDN’T ALL BE TITTANIUM WHITE.”

    8:38:14 a.m. – Mike Emmanuel, Chief Congressional Correspondent for Fox News, is on to discuss Speaker of the House Boehner’s plans to sue the President for ‘Misusing Executive Powers’.  Boehner makes it sound like Obama is using his Super Heat Vision to cook bacon in the White House.

    SUPER ‘O’ DEFENDING THE WORLD AGAINST THE EVIL ORANGE SPEAKER 

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    GIVEN THE DISCUSSION ABOUT THE ROBOT NEWSCASTERS, WE CHECK IN WITH THE MOST POPULAR ROBOTS AT THE BOX OFFICE THESE DAYS:

    ‘The Transformers Go Hollywood’


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtSl3Khf1

    Wednesday
    Jun252014

    The Battle of Gluten

    6:05:10 a.m. –    Warner begins the program with the news that LeBron James is going to explore ‘Free Agency’, which, despite how it sounds, is NOT something ‘sexual’.  Warner predicts that this is going to start a feeding frenzy of all 30 NBA teams trying to sign him.  Well, whoever does, WILL, no doubt, will celebrate by doing something ‘sexual’.

    LEBRON FIDDLES…WHILE THE NBA BURNS

    6:09:01 a.m. – The I-Man discusses the Times review of the re-opened Tavern on the Green, which, Warner has actually been to.  “How was the food?”  The Boss wants to know.  “I didn’t eat anything”, answers Warner.  We guess he was full from his post-workout half a tunafish sandwich.  Imus asks Dagen about the review, and she, diplomatically, refers to it as ‘No Stars’.  We guess she’s being careful so as to not ruin her chances at a good table.  But when the words “Gummy, Flavorless, Thuggish and Useless” are used in a review, we don’t believe that’s necessarily a ‘Good’ thing.  Nor are red wines that “…are the temperature of a kiddie pool.”  It’s not like you’re going to see the words “Not a good restaurant yet by any measure” hanging off a plaque in front of the joint.  Zero Stars?  They could have remained closed and gotten Zero Stars. 

    TAVERN ON THE GREEN…IN HAPPIER TIMES

    6:13:30 a.m. – Somehow, the conversation turns to the Johnny Mann singers, who did a lot of Radio Jingles back in the 50’s and 60’s.  For those of you who were ‘Big Fans’, ol’ Johnny died yesterday, just 35 years after his career did.  Mr. Mann “Left the Recording Session’ at the tender age of 85…but, you’ll be happy to know, he went… “In Harmony”.

    JOHNNY, (WHO, SURPRISINGLY, WAS A CROSS-DRESSER) WITH ONE OF HIS HIT ALBUMS, IN WHICH, APPARENTLY, ‘SHE LOVES YOU’ WAS, DONE AS A ‘BALLAD’.   YEAH YEAH YEAH.

    6:32:07 a.m. – Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog is back with Conan O’Brien, so now we actually have a reason to watch Conan O’Brien.  The cigar chomping, talking Rottweiler was in Astoria Queens interviewing various ethnic Soccer Fans.  He likens a soccer goalie to one of the fans’ Moms: “Constantly slapping balls away from his face”.  Not exactly Topo Gigio and “Eddie…kiss me goodnight…”

    “HEY ED!  THAT MOUSE IS A NICE PUPPET…FOR ME TO POOP ON!”

    7:05:10 a.m. – Warner reports that Hope Solo, U.S.A. Women’s Soccer Star, was arrested for domestic battery.  She attacked her nephew and her sister in a drunken fistfight.  Imus notes that their family is like every other family.  If your family likes to get drunk and hit each other over the head with cleaning tools.

    “SILLY HOPE…THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR BRINGING A SOCCER BALL TO A BROOM FIGHT.”

    7:10:20 a.m  – Imus is happy that his guy Charles Rangel won his primary, and, what’s more, is very impressed with this feat, as “At his age, it’s a challenge just to get his pants on.”  True, considering the ‘Hump’ that ole Charlie’s pants have to get over.

    CONGRESSMAN RANGEL IN HIS FIRST TRIMESTER

    7:20:40 a.m. – The I-Man gets a nasty letter from an Irate Woman, complaining about the cost of a ‘My Pillow’.  The fan says “If I had known before I went to the website, that it was that expensive, I wouldn’t have wasted my time.”  As opposed to wasting her time writing a nasty letter to the I-Man.   We hope your cheap ass pillow is so uncomfortable that you wake up with ‘Stephen Hawking Neck’.

    “TAKE IT FROM ME…THE ‘MY PILLOW’ IS WORTH THE INVESTMENT. I SHOULD’VE GOTTEN ONE YEARS AGO.   IT’S INFINITELY SUPERIOR”

    7:41:18 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde is particularly testy, with the ladies disagreeing on everything from ‘Gluten Free Foods’ to the ‘Hot Convict’.  Lis maintains that she wouldn’t ‘Do’ the convict, because, well, he’s a convict.  Deirdre, on the other hand, likes her men the way she likes her coffee.  Organic.

    THERE ARE CONVICTS…AND THERE ARE CONVICTS .  LIS WOULD DEFINITELY ‘DO’ OL’ BLUE EYES…AND THE GUY ON THE RIGHT IS A VEGAN

    7:45:12 a.m. – The topic of arming teachers is discussed.  Lis is for the idea, Deirdre, on the other hand, believes that it would then just lead to a problem with knives in schools.  We’re not sure how we feel about guns in schools…but we are in favor of guns during ‘Blonde on Blonde’.  Two for the panelists, and one for the television.   Nothing better than a ‘girl fight’ than a ‘girl gunfight’.

    DEIRDRE AND LIS DISCUSS THE ISSUES

    8:06:12 a.m. – Warner reports on Uruguay Soccer Player, Luis Suarez, doing a ‘Tyson’ job on the Evander Holyfield of Italy, Giorgio Chiellini. Which, we initially believed, was a live demonstration of our position on Soccer: It bites.  The incident was both disturbing and shocking, in that it is the third time Suarez has been cited for such an infraction; yet it was not nearly as disturbing as the celebration of the Greek team after their victory against the Ivory Coast.  All things being considered, we’d rather have a little ‘Love Chomp’ on the shoulder from a Paraguayan Serial Biter, than get a little ‘Love Ick’ on the shoulder, from from being on the bottom of a pile of excited Greek Soccer Players.

    THESE TWO PLAYERS ARE ACTUALLY VACCUUM SEALED TO EACH OTHER

    8:12:18 a.m. – We would like to take this time for a quick note to address our esteemed colleagues in the Fox Business Television studios: Connell, Dagen, Carley, Nat, Trevor and the other guys on the cameras, or, as we affectionately refer to them… ‘The Help’.  Hey you Mother F%$#rs!  What’s your F&^%ing problem?  ‘Dice’ had a very fine, virtually spontaneous essay about the food at Tavern on the Green, a subject he didn’t even know was going to be discussed until he arrived this morning, and he received NO SUPPORT WHATSOEVER from any of you bastards.  When he thinks about all the times he feigned amusement with that hideous, phony laugh of his, to try and help make some lame Hillbilly Quip from Urlene seem like it  was actually funny, rather than just the rantings of a Moonshine Addled, Toothless, Stuckeys Pecan Log Eating, Hussy, desperately in need of a Thorazine shot;  or provide a “You REALLY killed, Bro”’ after a ridiculously clad adult Mets Fan left a ‘Vinnie From Queens’ panel, where it appeared as though he’d just gotten off a short bus to  Citifield, where he ate paste all the way from Staten Island; or assured someone that “No, it’s perfectly natural for a fiancée to choose a college football game featuring a school, from which, he could have never graduated, because he finds revolving doors an intellectual challenge”; or told a certain audio engineer “Yeah, the ‘Newsies’ Paperboy Hat and earring are a pretty hip, happening, image…provided you’re not a 45 year old Stevie Ray Vaughan wannabe who got this job as part of his work release from the Methadone Program.”  Not to mention the Soccer Mom Jean Wearing, Richie Cunningham Grown Up Looking, Mike Breen Aspirant, who’s got the cork in so tight, when he sits on a vinyl chair it sounds like mice f&*^ing.  Thanks a lot guys. Loveyameanit.  Of course, if Dice had only been THIS funny, there would have been NO lack of laughter in the first place.   

    HEY.  WE REALIZE NOW WE SHOULD HAVE LAUGHED AT YOU WHEN YOU WORE YOUR  HENRY FONDA, ‘ON GOLDEN POND’ HAT, BUT WE FELT SORRY FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY THOUGHT YOU LOOKED GOOD IN IT

    (THIS IS AN ACTUAL, UNDOCTORED BY PHOTOSHOP OR ‘FACEINHOLE.COM’ PHOTO FROM TUESDAY’S JUNE 24TH PROGRAM.  A SCREEN SHOT FROM APPROXIMATELY 9:06 a.m.)

    8:38:14 a.m. – Colonel Bill Cowan, who is on to discuss the deteriorating military situation in Iraq with the level of gravitas we’ve come to expect from him.  Of course, he could make ordering at a McDonald’s Drive Thru sound like an executive order from the War Room to ‘Push the Doomsday button’.  Colonel Cowan would scare the s#!+ out of us just reading ‘Marmaduke’ out of the ‘Funny Pages’. 

    “…TWO BIG MACS, A 6 PIECE CHICKEN MCNUGGETS, A CHEESEBURGER HAPPY MEAL WITH THE TRANSFORMERS TOY, 3 LARGE FRIES, 3 COKES AND A VANILLA SHAKE…IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU.  BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY, NOBODY IN THIS CAR DOES.”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    SPORTS CORRESPONDENT FOR TEAM COCO

    TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG

    INTERVIEWS RABID SOCCER FANS IN ASTORIA, QUEENS

    http://teamcoco.com/video/triumph-world-cup-part-1

    Tuesday
    Jun242014

    A Priest, Cowboy Hats, and Heresy

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man says he’s “Not perving on Lori Rothman”, but he wonders why they have her doing Business News.  Well…Because it’s her job.  We guess what he’s curious about is why she isn’t in an Anchor’s Chair.  Probably because somebody else is sitting in it.  And…they don’t have enough phone books.

    THIS IS WHAT LORI LOOKS LIKE SITTING IN THE ANCHOR CHAIR

    6:13:14 a.m. – New Soccer fan, Imus, has a tiny complaint about watching the sport.  “You have to wait 71 minutes to score.”  The I-Man is sensitive to the concept of ‘Waiting to Score’.  Ever since he had to postpone ‘scoring’ until Deirdre finished High School

    “AND THE I-MAN PUTS UP ANOTHER BRICK!”

    6:15:30 a.m. – The Kids arrived at the Ranch yesterday, and one of them, Jesse, brought a letter from his Mom, a touching note, thanking The Boss and Deirdre for the opportunity for her son’s trip to the Ranch.  In it, she mentions that she wasn’t aware of the Ranch, but her old Uncle Jim, 7 foot tall, is a big fan of the program, and told her all about it.  Uncle Jim is having a bad year, needs a Kidney Transplant, and has Diabetes which has made him lose all feeling in his legs, which, Imus observes, is a significant waste, considering Uncle Jim’s 7 foot height.  She humbly asks if the I-Man would call Uncle Jim, or perhaps write him a letter, even a brief ‘Shout Out’ on the air.  Well, in a word, ‘No’.   “Pull it together, Uncle Jim.” Imus advises the numb kneed old bastard.  Jesus, instead of having your sister write letters for you, you should’ve been outside working on your jump shot.  Maybe with all that Cardio you wouldn’t be lookin’ at a Kidney Swap because you ‘Got the Sugar’

    UNCLE JIM.  HOW ABOUT YOU JUST ‘BUTT OUT’, GRAMPS?

    6:37:07 a.m. – The I-Man has a chat with Father Jonathan.  He suggests that he should take confession from the people at Fox and record them, and then play “Guess the Admission of Guilt”.  See if you can tell which Fox figure has committed which sin.  Sounds like a hit Reality Game Show to us.

    “UM… ‘DAGEN MCDOWELL TAKING THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN’ FOR 200, FATHER!”

    7:05:28 a.m. – The I-Man reports that Donnie Imus passes right by a Starbucks on his way to work at the Ranch every morning.  So The Boss is going to give Donnie his i-Phone so that he can use his almost expired reward to get a free ‘tasty treat’.  He opts for the ‘Tasty Treat’ as opposed to the small cup of coffee, recognizing that Donnie would take the opportunity to not pull over to a rest stop during the 50 mile drive.  But then, he could be reminded of the coffee from Starbucks he gets here in New York.

    FOR THE BOSS, THIS CLASSIFIES AS A ‘TASTY TREAT’

    7:14:24 a.m  – New York Knicks star Carmelo Anthony is now a ‘Free Agent’, causing the I-Man to ask if Anthony is any good.  Let’s just say, he’s a great player, and his wife is better than Honey Nut Cheerios.  In order to get some perspective on Anthony’s B-Ball prowess, Imus queries:  “If Michael Jordan is a 10, then what is Carmelo?”   “A big, chocolate…candy bar.” Answers Warner.

    DAMMIT, IF WARNER AIN’T RIGHT

    7:39:34 a.m. – Hollywood and Vine.  Riedel, fresh from his Montana Dude Ranch, (Which he calls ‘Horsie Camp For Rich White People From Jersey’) is here, with Cowboy hats for his co-panelists.  Imogen looks positively ADORABLE in hers…Dagen, however, balks at the headwear.  She says it would “Ruin her hur.”   ‘Hur’, as in ‘I need to comb mah hur.’    

    RIEDEL, ON THE OTHER HAND, LOOKS PERFECTLY NATURAL IN HIS COWBOY HAT.  OR FOR THAT MATTER, ‘AU NATUREL’  EVEN THE HORSE WAS IMPRESSED

    7:41:24 a.m. – Of course, Imus tells Riedel that, last week, Deirdre, filling in for him while he was “Toasting Marshmallows” with the Ranch Hands, and garnered KILLER ratings in the process.  We wait, with bated breath, to see how Riedel’s Return fares with the demographic.  Prediction.  The Butcher of Broadway ain’t exactly ‘Elvis Comeback Special 68’ material.

    RIEDEL.  BTW, THOSE ARE ‘ASSLESS’ LEATHER JEANS

    8:06:32 a.m. – Imus: “Hey, what’s the name of that song that Pavarotti sang?  The Nuzzy Dooma…the Vanilla Wafer…?”  Dagen, on the spot with Google:  “Nessun Dorma”.  “Yeah, that’s it!   You ever hear Aretha Franklin sing that?  She did it at the Grammies one year.”

    “N..E..S…S…U…M D!     O…R…M…A, TCB!  SOCKITTOMESOCKITTOMESOCKITTOME.”

    8:09:18 a.m. – Tom, Bowman is asked where ‘Melo is going to eventually end up.  ‘Bigfoot’ says “Chicago Bulls”.  Imus replies that if this does not actually come to pass, Bigfoot is banned from ever making a sports prediction again.  Bowman thinks that the punishment is harsh.  And asks, if he is right, what he will receive.  Answer: Nothing.  Just the pride of knowing that you just guessed right that day.

    “WELL, IN THAT CASE…I’D SAY TAKE THE SAN ANTONIO SPURS IN FIVE. IS THAT OK, I-MAN?”

    8:16:14 a.m. – Imus looks forward to his Bloomer Trailer naps and wonders why it’s always better to take a snooze somewhere other than the place where you sleep at night.  Well, I-Man, it’s probably because another location allows your bed enough time to dry by evening.

    BACK WHEN HE WAS WORKING ON THE RAILROAD, THE I-MAN TOOK A LOT OF NAPS.  FORTUNATELY, HE HAD A REALLY LOUD ALARM CLOCK.  A TRAIN HORN.

    8:38:14 a.m. – Liz McDonald, Business Journalist, and Fox News Stocks Editor since 2007 is here to promote her new book:  Skirting Heresy, a biography of Margery Kemp.  Because, as everybody knows, if there’s one thing the world needed was another book on Margery Kemp.  So now, there’s two.  But the first one was an autobiography written in the 15th Century in Middle English. 

    BOY, THAT FIRST BOOK WAS A REAL ‘PAGE TURNER’  WE THINK WE’LL WAIT FOR THE MOVIE.  (ONLY BECAUSE WE SUSPECT THAT ANGELINA JOLIE WILL PLAY MARGERY)

    8:40:08 a.m. –  See Margie was accused of sacrilege in Catholic England prior to Joan of Arc.  Liz wrote the book to celebrate the 600th Anniversary of ol’ Joan.  Just exactly how does one celebrate the 600th Anniversary of Joan of Arc.  We assume the same way you celebrated the first 599… with a barbecue.

    “C’MON CARDINAL!  GET SOME MORE SAUCE ON THAT BREAST MEAT!”

     

    AND NOW, A “R&T BTS BLOG SPECIAL EXTRA FEATURE”!

     FOR YOUR EDIFICATION:

    FUN FACTS ABOUT MARGERY KEMP:

    1 After the birth of her first child, she went mad due to some pent-up guilt and an unsympathetic confessor, and during this madness, was spoken to by Jesus. We don’t know what He said, although, we’re pretty sure it wasn’t “Go thee, verily, and get thy freak on.”

    2            She continued with her worldly ways and her delight in the physical side of marital relations... but after 20 years she felt the pull of God and decided she needed to devote herself entirely to Him.

    3            After this dedication of herself to God, Margery went about a long process of procuring chastity from her husband.

    4 She was known for her loud, uncontrollable weeping fits that occurred at random and caused many to claim she was a heretic.  But her weeping wasn’t nearly as loud as that of her husband’s when he realized she wasn’t ever gonna give him none no more.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    WHAT COULD A PRIEST EVER DO THAT HE WOULD NEED TO CONFESS?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkJigOzpg0Y

    Friday
    Jun202014

    Unloading the Truck

    6:05:10 a.m. –   “Johnny Donovan is one of the great radio voices ever.   They’re sending 300 WHAT?  Presbyterians are people who don’t have enough money to be Episcopalean.  They’re Baptists who just want to drink and dance with the curtains open.  Lori Rothman isn’t here this morning.”  It’s Friday, and the I-Man is unloading the Dumptruck that is his mind.

    THIS IS A BRAIN…

    THIS IS THE I-MAN’S BRAIN ON FRIDAYS

    6:07:14 a.m. –   It’s Brian Wilson’s Birthday today.  He is 72.  Which is 11 in Dog Years.  And, coincidentally, where he’s at mentally. 

     THE BEACH BOYS SING ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ TO THEIR FOUNDER LAST YEAR,

     JUST BEFORE THEY FIRED HIM.

    6:13:14 a.m. – Connell has his shirt unbuttoned to his navel.  Which means it must be “Disco Day” at the McShane’s.   Good thing he didn’t tie it in a midriff knot.    Cos’ “Dukes of Hazard Day” isn’t until Monday.

    WE NEVER HAD MCSHANE PEGGED AS THE ‘OUTDOORS TYPE’

    6:20:07 a.m. –  The I-Man says that he “Can’t deal with all of Louis CK’s problems.”  We’re not sure what he means.  Louis is the hottest, most brilliant comic in America today.  He’s got a critically acclaimed, hit show that EVERYBODY wants to be on.  He’s acting in Academy Award nominated movies.  He’s a millionaire.  WHAT’S THE EFFING PROBLEM?

    SUCK IT UP, GINGER.  WE SHOULD HAVE SUCH PROBLEMS

    6:37:07 a.m. –  Mike Baker, our favorite Spy, phones in from his Idaho Compound.  At least, that’s where he SAYS he is.  He could be in Morocco, giving the head of an international Drug Cartel  a ‘C.I.A. Manicure’ with a pair of needle nose pliers and a ball peen hammer.  He’s on to discuss the situation in Iraq, which suggests that the Kurds may be getting an Independent State.  We hope it’s New Jersey.

    KURDISTAN FORCES AT THE GROVER CLEVELAND REST STOP ON THE NEW JERSEY TURNPIKE.  THEY AREN’T PUMPING GAS.  THEY HAVE MORE THAN THEY NEED ALREADY.

    7:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man has announced that he’s thinned out the ‘Vinnie From Queens’ herd.  It now features Nat Candido, Gunz Gunzelman, Lou Rufino and Tony Powell.  With Warner as the Senior Consultant, Bernie and Connell and Dagen all on standby at their stations.  The Falafel guy outside will appear on Alternate Fridays, in the event that Bigfoot is absent.  And if all else fails, it will just be Deirdre.  Who, by the way, took Hollywood & Vine to a ratings high this week filling in for Riedel, who is at a Dude Ranch riding side-saddle.

    THE RANCH HANDS GREET RIEDEL OUT BY THE BARN.  THEY’RE NOT OUTLAWS.  BUT THEY’RE CERTAINLY HUNG

    7:14:24 a.m  – Imus is nothing, if not a fiercely loyal sports fan:  “I always root for the Jets and Giants…and the Broncos…aaaaand… the Seahawks.  So, no, Warner, I won’t be rooting for the Houston Texans.  Although I do own a ranch about 90 minutes FROM Houston so…maybe on Home Games…”

    THE I-MAN’S FAVORITE TEAM

    7:19:38 a.m. – Connell reports that NY will legalize Medical Marijuana, and, in a related story, Pope Francis has officially come out against it.  The Holy Father maintains that ‘It doesn’t work.’  Maybe you’re just buying skunk weed, Frankie. 

    WITH JUST A NICKEL BAG…HE COULD GET 35 THOUSAND PEOPLE HIGH

    7:39:34 a.m. – “Vinnie From Queens”.  Gonna talk some sports here on the Imus in the Morning Program.  The I-Man isn’t happy with the panel’s performance.  He threatens to bring in all new participants.  The Falafel guy, who is listening outside by his cart, listening to his Transistor Radio, sees a glimmer of hope.

    “MY FRIEND!  YOU ASKING ME WHO IS TO SUCKING MORE, RANGERS OR HEAT OR BELMONT HORSE?  WELL…LET ME GIVE YOU CLUE:  YOU ARE NOW EATING ‘ CALIFORNIA CHROME’ SANDWICH.”

    8:10:20 a.m. – “What was the deal with Megyn Kelly looking like a Pilgrim last night?  Maybe she was protesting the Washington Redskins deal.”

    MEGYN KELLY IN HER HIGH SCHOOL PRODUCTION OF ‘THE CRUCIBLE’

    8:14:28 a.m. –  A mugshot of a Northern California man arrested on felony weapons charges went viral on social media, attracting more then 30 THOUSAND ‘likes’ on facebook.  Some of the comments praised his ‘high cheek bones, chiseled face and strinking blue eyes.’   Frank Sinatra had all three of those…but was never arrested on felony weapons charges.  They could never get the evidence to stick, or find a witness willing to testify.  Both Carley and Dagen remark how the prisoner is ‘Hot’.  He’s got a Yankee Logo tattooed to his Adam’s Apple.  If that’s all it takes to get Carley and Dagen’s motor going…then, by rights, Nat should be able to get lucky, seeing as how he’s got a Mets Tattoo…but he’s got about as much of a chance at either of them as Gunz does.  Well, actually a little more than Gunz, in the event of a Nuclear Holocaust and he and Gunz are the last two men on earth. 

    NAT CANDIDO: ‘FOR THE LADIES’ 

    (IF ANY OF YOU WOMEN READERS NEED TO EXCUSE YOURSELVES FOR A FEW MINUTES TO…YOU KNOW, ‘TAKE CARE O’ BIDNESS’…WE WILL PAUSE HERE FOR YOU.)

     

    …..,

    …..,

    …..,

    …OKAY, WE’RE BACK.  JESUS, TAKE A BREAK BEFORE YOU GIVE YOURSELF CARPAL TUNNEL

    8:38:14 a.m. – Linda Fairstein is on with yet ANOTHER book she’s written.  TERMINAL CITY, about the Nocturnal, Underground, World of Reclusive, Mentally Unstable Hermits.  In other words, our audience.  

    “I LOVE A GOOD LINDA FAIRSTEIN NOVEL…THEY’RE ALWAYS REAL PAGE TURNERS…AND IF THERE’S ONE THING I DO WELL…IT’S TURN PAGES”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    The Birthday Boy, In Rare Footage From 1966, During the Recording of

     ‘Good Vibrations’

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8rd53WuojE 

    Thursday
    Jun192014

    Bears Do It Too

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man has, literally, just woken up, but he is already firing on all cylinders, reading an Email from Gunz, who informs the Boss that the lovable slacker will be on Cavuto as part of Neil’s ‘Generation Next’ segment.  This is where Mr. Cavuto interviews hip, young kids about what’s going on.  Which makes us wonder why the geeky little virgin is going to be part of the panel.  Gunz is still perplexed over the question about whether or not the refrigerator light stays on when you close the door. 

    HERE’S A REAL ‘THINK TANK’ FOR YA: GUNZ AND HIS #1 FANS, THE DUNCE BROTHERS.               FOR A DUDE WHO USES THE TERM “ BALLIN’ “ SO MUCH, THERE’S VERY LITTLE CHANCE OF HIM ACTUALLY DOING IT

    6:13:26 a.m. – The I-Man relates a story about his taking a nap, yesterday, in his Bloomer Trailer.  Which is a far cry from the ‘Old Days’ when he used to nap behind the driers at the Laundromat IN his bloomers.  He’s a real man of the people.  A Multi-Million Dollar Ranch House, and he catches a few Z’s in his Mobile Double Wide.

    BUT YOU WON’T FIND THIS $100,000 DELUXE HANGOUT AT YOUR LOCAL MOTOR COURT

    6:15:14 a.m. – The Boss plays John Hiatt’s ‘Old People’, where the brilliant Mr. Hiatt, named “One of Rock’s Most Astute Singer-Songwriters of the Last 40 Years” by the Los Angeles Times, rhymes the words ‘Pushy’ and ‘Mushy’.  Not exactly ‘Have a Little Faith in Me’, or ‘Memphis in the Meantime’, but…it IS still John Hiatt.  The new album, ‘Terms of Surrender’ won’t be available until July 15th.  That give you some time to get your gun permit in case you hear it in the car when you’re driving while listening to the Imus in the Morning Program.

    CHRISTOPHER WALKEN PREVIEWS JOHN HIATT’S NEW RECORD

    6:22:44 a.m. –   There’s a story about a scientific finding in Croatia, where two Brown Bears in captivity, were observed performing Oral Sex on one another.  Which, being red-blooded mammals ourselves, we completely understand.  It certainly sheds new light on Goldilocks’ assessment of the 3 Bears’  “Too Hard’, ‘Too Soft’, and ‘Just Right’.   Until we discover that it’s two MALES who are doing the Ursine 69.  (We know it’s pronounced Ur-SEEN, but, just roll with it)  Now we can finally appreciate the Gay slang of ‘Bear’…it’s not just a big boned, hairy backed gentleman.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Although, we always had our suspicions about Winnie the Pooh.

    WE ALWAYS ASSUMED THIS WAS HONEY.  WE’D LIKE TO CONTINUE TO THINK SO.

    6:37:07 a.m. –  Bret Baier is on to talk about his book, Special Heart:  A Journey of Faith, Hope, Courage and Love’, about his son, Paul, who battles congenital heart disease.  Paul’s not quite 7 years old, but has already undergone 3 Open Heart Surgeries and 7 Angioplasties.  It’s one of the most inspirational stories about bravery in the face of adversity.  It’s emblematic of one of Imus’ main philosophies: “Nobody goes through life undefeated, everybody has bad stuff happen to them.”  It’s how they deal with it that defines them.  You can either do it like Bret, his wife and son, or…the New York Mets.  The Book Debuts at #9 on the New York Times Bestseller List.  ALL the proceeds from the sale of the book are going to Pediatric Heart Disease Research.  He’s not one of those ‘A Portion of the Proceeds’ Weasels.

    http://www.amazon.com/Special-Heart-Journey-Faith-Courage/dp/1455583634/ref=tmm_hrd_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1403175027&sr=8-1 

    7:09:28 a.m. – Dagen does a story about Amazon’s new Smart Phone, the ‘Fire’.  Amazon Founder Jeff Bezos introduced it at a Press Event yesterday, causing the I-Man to comment:  “Bezos got a billion trillion dollars…and the boy STILL look like E.T.”   Yes.  But at least E.T. could ‘Phone Home’ without having to wait for a 4G signal from Verizon to do it.

    “E…T…GET FREE SHIPPING WITH AMAZON PRIME…”

    7:14:24 a.m  – The Boss makes a salient point, stating a case that the folks who got us into Iraq in the first place, such as that Draft Dodging Weasel Dick ‘Pork Chop Boy’ Cheney, should S.T.F.U.   And that doesn’t stand for ‘Stop the Funny Undertakings’.  Among the others you could also add to the ‘Shut the Eff Up’ list would include Paul Wolfowitz, Paul Bremmer and Bill Kristol. 

    BREMMER, WOLFOWITZ AND CHENEY ON ‘MEET THE PRESS’

    7:39:34 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting, in which they discuss Alabama’s overturning the ban on ‘Sodomy’.  The point is made that, it’s not just for homosexuals anymore.  However, the Sheep are still not safe.  Not strong enough of a lobby. 

    “NO JUSTICE, NO FLEECE”

    BUT…IF YOU CAN’T GET TO THE BARNYARD ON FRIDAY NIGHT

    8:01:32 a.m. –  Connell reads a story on the radio about new laws, one in New York City, which now allows owners to be buried alongside their pets in Pet Cemeteries.   Which means Joseph Abboud can now spend his eternal rest next to his beloved gerbil.  

    FLUFFY IS NOW IN THAT GREAT BIG KENNEL IN THE SKY, WHERE HE’S HAPPILY HUMPING GRANDMA SMITH’S WITHERED, VARICOSE VEINED, LEG

    8:01:59 a.m. –  In a related story,  Albany’s passed a bill which bans owners from piercing or Tattooing their pets.

    THIS BITCH ALSO HAS 6 PIERCED NIPPLES

    8:16:14 a.m. –  Warner reports that 11 Year Old Golf Phenom, Lucy Li Bogied the first hole in the U.S. Women’s Open Qualifier, which makes the I-Man very happy.  “I hope she shoots 120”.  She is interviewed, where she states “I just want to have fun.”  “Go have fun at a School Yard, kid!”  comments the Boss. 

    HOME-SCHOOLED, BY A ‘TIGER MOM’, MS. LI NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING HOME A ‘LOSER’

    8:18:14 a.m. – Connell reads a story about Lindsay Graham, which prompts the I-Man to do his creepy Lindsay Graham impression, which, Deirdre notes, sounds exactly like his creepy Jerry Jones impression.  What the Boss doesn’t realize is that Mr. Graham does a creepy Imus impression…which sounds just like his Wolfman Jack impression. Which is not creepy at all.

    HOWARD STERN DOING HIS IMPRESSION OF IMUS DOING HIS WOLFMAN JACK IMPRESSION.  WE NEVER KNEW THAT, BACK IN THE 80’S, THE WOLFMAN MOONLIGHTED AS A PIMP

    8:41:14 a.m. – One of the great legal minds of our time, David Boies is on with his new book, Redeeming the Dream: A Case For Marriage Equality about the fight against California’s discriminatory Proposition 8, which banned Gay Marriage.  Both he and the I-Man have a rare, emotional, empathetic, ‘Touchy Feely’ moment, in which they both agree that it wasn’t right for anyone to be denied the right to marry the person they love.  Which bodes well for those Brown Bears who’ve been having oral sex.

    “HEY YOGI!  GO ASK SARAH PALIN HOW FAR CALIFORNIA IS FROM ALASKA.  THINK SHE CAN SEE IT FROM HER HOUSE?”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    BIRDS DO IT, BEES DO IT…AND YES, BEARS DO IT TOO.  SOMETIMES, WITH HOOKERS

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RF8qg1OXAxo