Follow Us On

  
Inside Imus Control Center
Recent Guests:
    Monday
    Jul152013

    Good Morning Virgil!

    6:05:00 a.m. –     We begin the program and the week, with the news that the      I-Man received a little ‘Present’ from Virgil, Wyatt’s Norfolk Terrier.  It appears that, in the dark of morning, (barefoot…of course) as The Boss was stumbling around attempting to find his ‘Kinky Friedman’ T-Shirt, he stepped in the remains of whatever organic, vegan supper that Deirdre provided the beloved little pup last evening.   Some people say that is… ‘Lucky’.  Ehhhh…yeah, we suppose it is…if you’re the one who hasn’t stepped in it, of course.

    EVERYBODY’S A CRITIC

    6:11:17 a.m. –  The I-Man asks Dagen the usual Monday Morning question:  “Who won the car race?”  The answer comes back “ Brian Vickers”…and NOT  “Morgan Shepherd” who finished 41 out of 43 drivers, who is 71 years old, and, for most of the race, was in the left lane, doing 40 M.P.H. with his blinkers on.

    “WHY IS HE HONKING AT ME?  WHERE’S THE FIRE?”

    6:18:22 a.m. –   Connell reports about the News Anchor for KTVU TV, who read phony, racially offensive names in a story about the Asiana Airlines Crash.  Apparently, an intern at the NTSB confirmed that the pilots’ names were “Captain Sum Ting Wong, Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk, and Bang Ding Ow.”  As Asiana Airlines is currently in the process of suing the station for damage to its’ reputation, a spokesperson for the News Team, “Mike Hunt”, has provided a formal, official apology. 

    KTVU TV GENERAL MANAGER ‘DICK HERTZ’ SAYS THAT FRISCO’S KTVU TV    “REGRETS THE MISTAKE, AND IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN…BABABOOEY”

    6:21:58 a.m. –  Dagen gleefully reports on the disappointing Box Office receipts of ‘Pacific Rim’, the “Giant Japanese Sea Monster/200 Foot Robot Fighting Movie”.  Which, is surprising, especially when you consider that everything we have read about the film, puts it solidly on the list as one of the top 20 “Giant Japanese Sea Monster/200 Foot Robot Fighting Movies Of All Time”.

    NEXT UP FOR THESE TWO ‘PACIFIC RIM’ ACTORS: THE GIANT JAPANESE SEA MONSTER/200 FOOT FIGHTING ROBOT PRODUCTION OF ‘OTHELLO’   

    6:40:18 a.m. –  Bo Dietl is on, and invokes the I-Man’s ire, because he can’t get a straight answer out of the former ‘Super Cop’…which shouldn’t be surprising, as, if anything, it is par for the course.  A ‘Straight Answer’ from Bo is a relative thing…in his hands, even the simplest issue becomes a convolutatated, labyrinthinized, incomprehensibilatory statement.

    “STRAIGHT TALK” FROM THE ELOQUENTATATED, ARTICULATORY, ELOCUTIONALIZED, BO DIETL;  SHOWING OFF HIS MEDAL FOR “PUBLIC SPEAKINGIZATION”

    7:05:57 a.m. –  News of the Twinkie’s return to the shelves is teased as an upcoming story for Dagen’s next Business Report.  Back in the Green Room, ‘Fat Elvis’, who is ready to offer his thoughts on this momentous event, drools on his Nudie Suit so much he has to change clothes.

    THE ONLY WAY THESE THINGS COULD GET ANY BETTER

    7:07:18 a.m. –   Julie Kanfer, former Imus in the Morning Assistant/Producer and who currently writes for Deirdre Imus’ blog, had a baby…at 5:26 p.m. yesterday evening…despite the fact that, according to the I-Man, she is the LAST person who should be trusted with a child.  The implication here is that there will be a baby carrier left on the roof of an SUV sometime in the near future…

    THE 6 POUND, 12 OUNCE HENRY NASH KANFER POLIRSTOK

    THE LAST TIME YOU WILL EVER SEE HIM SMILING

    7:11:00 a.m. –   A perfectly timed, (7:11, get it?) report from Dagen, about the aforementioned return of the Twinkie.  Wal-Mart, which got an advance shipment prior to the official release, sold out within minutes of their placement on the shelves.

    SISTER MARY RING DING PRAYS FOR THE CRÈME FILLED SOUL OF THE LATE, GREAT, TWINKIE THE KID; WHO TRAGICALLY SUCCOMBED TO THE APPETITE OF… ‘FAT ELVIS’

    7:17:18  a.m. –   Gunz is filling in for Warner Wolf…claiming that Warner is in ‘Israel’, but we have the sneaking suspicion that this cockamamie story is Gunz’ attempt to cover up for ‘foul play’.  We wouldn’t be surprised to find out that America’s Greatest Living Sportscaster isn’t in the Holy Land at all, but rather, tied up in Gunz’s basement with a gag in his mouth…which, is preventing Warner from screaming ‘Forget my people…let ME go!’ Curiously, this isn’t the first time Warner has been bound and gagged…Mrs. Wolf has been forced to resort to this on numerous occasions, as it’s the only way to keep Warner quiet about the 1927 Yankees.

    “COME AWN…HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT MY HALF A TUNA SANDWICH?”

    7:32:52a.m. – Bernie Briefing: Another Box Office Report, this time, for  Grownups 2…the Adam Sandler/Kevin James/Chris Rock/David Spade movie that did 42.5 Million at the Box Office, which, despite reviews that included words like “Leaden”, “Moronic” and “Terrible”, STILL did better than the Giant Japanese Sea Monster/200 Foot Robot Fighting Movie, Pacific Rim.

    APPARENTLY, ONLY THE CAST FOUND ‘GROWN UPS 2’ FUNNY

    7:46:00 a.m. –   Laura Ingraham is on, and ends her segment with her ‘Spot – On’ impression of former Homeland Security Chief, and New Mexico resident, Janet Napolitano, who, to Laura’s ear, sounds suspiciously a lot like Lee Marvin.

    SHE COULD KICK JANET RENO’S ASS

    8:10:34 a.m. –  Joe Tacopina’s name is invoked, for some reason, and Imus makes the observation:  “He looks like he’s had work done, doesn’t he?”  We don’t know what he’s talking about.

    JOE TACOPINA: YOU BE THE JUDGE:

         

    BEFORE                           AFTER

    8:40:17 A.M. –  After complaining that we have not had any ‘Legal Eagle’ to weigh in on the Zimmerman case other than Lis Wiehl, Bernard and Bigfoot have come up with Defense Attorney Arthur Aidala, who is OUR kind of attorney:  Brooklyn born, straight shooting, straight talking, Joe Pesci kind of guy.  Anybody who can call a kid a ‘Yewt’… (Youth)  is O.K. in our book.  The fact that he resembles Joe Pantoliano doesn’t hurt either.

    PUT AIDALA’S HEAD IN A BOWLING BALL BAG…AND YOU’D HAVE JOEY PANTS

    9:06:01 A.M. -  Bernard comments on how hot women look when there’s a Heat Wave going on in New York City, he’s  fan of the short skirt, tank top, look.  Dagen, however, has a very different perspective…all she sees are sweaty mooks in Wife Beaters with “Hairy shoulders that look like epaulets.”  Um…ew.

    WE HATE TO DO IT, BUT…WE HAVE TO SAY…WE AGREE WITH DAGEN ON THIS ONE…JESUS, PUT A SHIRT ON, SASQUATCH

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    We are lucky that Bernard and Bigfoot came up with Arthur Aidala.  In the search for a legal mind to comment on the Zimmerman/Martin case, we COULD have been stuck with THIS guy:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSuaVMjheNk

     

    Friday
    Jul122013

    The Dog House Gets Bigger

    6:05:00 a.m. –     We find out, to our horror, that Larry H. Miller…is THE Larry H. Miller, the late owner of the Utah Jazz, and one of the most beloved figures in the NBA.  While we are glad that he was spared the hammering his dealership received yesterday, (Which reminds us, you should really call them this morning to ask about their ‘Customer Service’ policies - 866-685-5594…they may not pick up right away, so…KEEP CALLING) we do believe that he would be quite dismayed with the performance of the staff who now runs his joint.

    THIS MAN IS DOING THE ‘SARCOPHAGUS SPIN’ AS WE SPEAK

    6:10:17 a.m. – It appears that not only will Rob and Tony be part of next month’s ‘Jobs Report’, but so will Meghan Hurlbut, the Imus Office Manager in New York.  Apparently, she has misspelled the word ‘Casino’ on the Daily Sheet delivered to the I-Man every morning, and has done so, every day, since Monday.  As Imus was railing about it appearing on the sheet as ‘Casina’ yesterday, it’s clear she’s not listening to the program either.  She sends an email to us, inquiring about the typo:  “Is Imis mad at me?”

    MAYBE THIS COULD VERY WELL BE THE REASON WHY SHE’S MISSPELLED THE WORD  ‘CASINO’ SO MANY TIMES

    6:32:58 a.m. –  Bernie Briefing:  B leads off his report with a tape of the incident to which we referred yesterday, the adorable little ‘Trick Shot Titus’, the 2 year old basketball phenomenon, getting smashed in the moosh by Fox n’ Friends host Brian Kilmeade, or, as the headline on ‘The Wrap’ puts it, ‘Fox Host Hits Baby in Face, Makes Him Cry.’  To be fair, it was actually a basketball that bounced off the toddler’s grill…as Kilmeade was trying to ‘assist’, and made a ‘bad pass’ instead.  There was no ‘Alley’…just an ‘Oops’.  An embarrassing moment, made even worse by the fact that the Fn’F Fathead look more concerned about how he had damaged his own image, than consoling a crying child.  No matter.  The kid’s already retained a litigator.  Pee Wee’s gonna get punitive.

     

    BEFORE                                           AFTER

    “TAKE A LAP, THEN HIT THE SHOWERS, KILMEADE…YOU’RE DONE FOR TODAY”

    7:32:57 a.m. –  The Boss says that he knows the little knotheads are starting to rise up at the Hacienda, as it’s time for them to go feed the cattle.  This means that both Wyatt and Deirdre are up, and The Boss is under the deluded impression that they might be stopping by the studio at the ranch to deliver him some ‘Yogurt’.  We hate to be the ones to give credence to what was once considered ‘prophecy’, but we always knew that one day, he’d be alone, pathetically waiting for somebody to bring him food…we just always assumed it would be oatmeal.

    “WOULD SOMEBODY BRING ME SOME BREAKFAST…PLEASE?”

    7:39:11 a.m. –   Martha McCallum is on to discuss the Zimmerman Trial, but we don’t hear a single thing.  We are just staring at the monitor, thinking about the unbelievable fact that Ms. McCallum is the mother of THREE Teenagers.   Imus mentions to Martha, that should Connell reach across the table it won’t be to strangle her…but, still in all, he’d better keep his hands to himself.  Connell?  Who is the embodiment of what we believe Richie Cunningham from ‘Happy Days’ would look like as a grownup?  She’s about as safe with him sitting across from her as she would be if Liberace was sitting across from her.

    MARTHA AND…CONNELL…WELL, NOT REALLY CONNELL, BUT…SOMEONE WITH WHOM MARTHA NEED NOT FEAR TAKING A PASS FROM

    8:14:34 a.m. –  Mike Lupica, (The Damon Runyon Award Winning Columnist) a ‘Friend of Imus’, ‘I-Fave’, and who  also happens to be our 8:30 guest this morning, has a piece in today’s New York Daily News with the headline, “Let’s Hope This A-Hole Doesn’t Get Away With It”.  Unfortunately, no one on the program has read the column as of yet, so Imus tells Nat to “Go ask Rob and Tony…” (Both of whom have been banished back to the Green Room yet again) “… they haven’t been doing anything all morning, maybe they know what’s going on.”   We beg to differ, we’ve been working on this very fine ‘Behind the Scenes Blog’, but honestly, you don’t really need to read the entire column, as the logline,  “George Zimmerman was an overheated ‘Pretend Cop’ with a very real gun who followed a 17 year old black kid in a hoodie, after dispatchers told him he didn’t need to.” pretty much sums it all up.  Lupica, as evidenced by his status as a ‘Damon Runyon Award’ winning columnist, knows that brevity is one of the chief virtues in writing.  We believe that Mr. Lupica LIVES by the credo:  ‘Shorter…is better’.

    MIKE LUPICA POSING IN CENTRAL PARK WITH ONE OF HIS MILLIONS OF FANS

    8:17:17 A.M. –  Watching the I-Man on the monitor back in the Green Room, we notice that he’s got some of that famous ‘White stuff’ on his lip…not the kind of ‘White Stuff’ he used to get on his lip back in the late 70’s, this is the ‘Larry King, What The Hell IS That, PLEASE Wipe It off Before I Throw Up’ kind of white stuff.  We would  “Pull The Boy’s Coat”, you know, “Help A Brotha Out”, but…we’re not in the studio so…sorry I-Man.  And…Sorry America.

    “UM…POPS?  YOU GOT A LITTLE…UH…FORGET IT.”

    8:22:17 A.M. –  One of the ‘Stories you’ll be talking about’ today on WABC Radio and Fox Business television, is one that Connell reports about a New Jersey Transit Bus Driver who, unbeknownst to him, has, apparently, made a sex tape.  A passenger, armed with a cell phone video camera, shot footage of the gentleman...um…engaging in some ‘self-gratification’ WHILE HE WAS DRIVING THE EFFIG BUS!!!  As impressed as we are with his ability to ‘Multi-Task’, we would still prefer that he wait until he gets to a ‘Rest Stop’ before he decides to ‘Grope his Greyhound’.  All we know is, if you’re gonna be riding on THIS bus…you BETTER have exact change.  You don’t want this guy breaking your twenty.

    “DOES THIS BUS GO DOWNTOWN?”  “WELL, I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE BUS…BUT, AT THE MOMENT, IT SURE LOOKS LIKE THE DRIVER IS!”

    8:40:17 A.M. –  The Aforementioned Mike Lupica is on to discuss his very fine column in the Daily News, which clearly illustrates just exactly why he was the recipient of the ‘Damon Runyon Award’…and we don’t say that just because he is a dear friend of Imus.  Because ‘Friend’ is a relative term when it comes to the Boss.  Friend, in ‘Imus Lexicon’ means ‘Someone who will still take his calls every night.’   As in, ‘Has anybody heard from Charles lately?’

    THE AWARD WINNING AUTHOR, IN HIS TREE, OBVIOUSLY NOT USING THE ‘CALLER ID’ FUNCTION ON HIS CELL PHONE

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    For the Millions Of You ‘I-Fans’, Who DO NOT Watch Us On The Very Fine ‘Fox Business Network’, And Only Listen To Us On One Of Our Many Fine Radio Affiliates, ‘A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words…But A Video Of A Toddler Getting Smacked In The Face With A Basketball Is Hysterical’, HERE Is The Tape Of What Will, Some Day, Be Referred To “The Reason Why Brian Kilmeade Is Now A Game Show Host”:

    The Aforementioned ‘Trick Shot Titus’

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/11/trick-shot-titus-fox-news-hits-baby_n_3579891.html

    Thursday
    Jul112013

    Free Slurpee Day

    6:05:00 a.m. –   Today is ‘7-Eleven Day’, which is the annual appreciation of the largest operator, franchisor and licensor of 24 Hour convenience stores in the world.  50,000 Outlets World-Wide.  That’s a lot of Big-Gulps, people…Mayor Bloomberg notwithstanding.  To celebrate, today, between the hours of 11 a.m. and 7 P.M., (7-11, GET IT?) they will provide free 7.11 oz. (WE THINK WE SEE A PATTERN HERE…) sized cups of their signature, magnificently delightful, spectacularly sweet, fabulously frozen drink, the Slurpee.   We just wish Porsche would offer a similarly-styled promotion.

    NOW, IF WE COULD JUST GET A FREE FROZEN DRINK TO GO WITH THIS FREE PORSCHE, WE COULD PUT IT IN THIS CUP HOLDER, ODDLY PLACED UNDER THE EFFING SEAT…BUT THEN AGAIN, IF YOU OWN A PORSCHE, AND YOU ARE ACTUALLY DRINKING A SLURPEE WHILE BEHIND THE WHEEL…YOU HAVE MORE PRESSING PROBLEMS THAN THE CUP HOLDER BEING INCONVENIENTLY LOCATED…

    6:10:17 a.m. – The I-Man banishes both Rob and Tony back to the Green Room, a ‘Time Out’ punishment suspension for their miserably failed performances yesterday. And so, we are, literally, ‘BEHIND’ …“Behind the Scenes”. It should prove to be a very educational morning, as we will experience the program much like any of the I-Man’s millions of listeners and viewers.  Not that we’re surprised by the revelation, but…Damn!  This is a GREAT program!  Although something appears to be missing.  Oh.  Yeah.   FREE SLURPEES!!

    A FROZEN DRINK THAT IS OF A COLOR… NOT FOUND IN NATURE

    6:11:22 a.m. –  Connell reports on a new revelation concerning the Asiana Airlines crash in San Francisco the other day.  Apparently, the pilot maintains that the tragic accident was due to the fact that he was momentarily ‘Blinded by the Light’.  We don’t quite understand why a Springsteen Song is being used to explain the loss of control of a 777 Jet…but maybe the ‘Non-Sully’ should have been listening to the Manfred Mann cover version instead.  Then again, if he’d just stuck with ‘Do Wah Diddy’ he wouldn’t have had a problem in the first place.

    FLIGHT 214…IT’S HIS FAULT

    6:32:58 a.m. – The Bernie Briefing.  The lead story, incredulously, is Dustin Hoffman’s recollections about filming ‘Tootsie’ in 1982, and a personal epiphany he had, when, after getting into the drag costume and makeup for the first time, he broke down into tears when he realized he was NOT an attractive woman.  Joseph Abboud had the very same problem the first time he put on a dress…

    ‘JOSEFINA’…ABBOUD

    6:40:18 a.m. – K.T. McFarland is on, ostensibly to talk about Egypt, but somehow, winds up discussing Osama Bin-Laden instead, and how he was able to hide out by disguising himself…by wearing a cowboy hat. Hmmmm…you mean there was a tall, thin man, terrorizing people in a cowboy hat?   That’s just crazy talk.

    “DEATH TO THE INFIDEL FUZZY PEACH!  NA NANA NA NA “

    7:32:57 a.m. –  The Bernie Briefing, with a story from the ‘You Can’t Make This $#*+ Up’ Department: A man in Hidalgo County, Texas, was arrested twice in three months, for having sex with a horse.  The SAME horse.  There is currently no bestiality law in Texas; however, the man COULD be charged with animal cruelty if it can be proven the stallion was hurt.  Which would be bad for the horse, but a plus for the man’s ‘reputation’.  We can only hope that the gentleman didn’t go ‘bareback’, and engaged in Safe Sex when he ‘mounted’ the steed. 

    “SON…I THINK IT’S TIME WE HAD A TALK ABOUT WHEN I MET YOUR MOTHER.”

    7:39:11 a.m. –   The Mensa Meeting.  We begin with a discussion about Robin Thicke’s new controversial record, ‘Blurred Lines’.   Evidently, lyrics like “You the hottest bitch in this place…you wanna hug me…what rhymes with hug me?” are posing a problem for the young singer.  Let’s see…what DOES rhyme with ‘Hug me’?  ‘Mug me’?  ‘Slug Me’?  ‘Drug Me’?  ‘Plug Me’?  Yeah, that’s it.  ‘Plug me’.  And then ‘Un-Plug Me’   And then ‘Plug Me’ again.  Repeat…and then smoke a cigarette.

    A SCREEN CAP FROM THE ‘BLURRED LINES’ VIDEO:  WE KNOW WHAT RHYMES WITH ‘ROBIN THICKE’…WE’RE JUST NOT SURE IF HE HAS A BIG ONE OR NOT.

    8:14:34 a.m. – Dagen offers Gunz some valuable fashion advice, and in doing so, also provides us with the ‘Line of the Morning’.  “If you ever want to be inside of a woman again, DON’T EVER wear flip-flops.”

    ANY CREATURE WITH TOES LIKE THIS…IS NOT ONLY NEVER GETTING LAID, BUT COULD ALSO HANG UPSIDE DOWN OFF A TREE

    8:40:17 A.M. – The Great Colin Quinn is on.  And we use the word ‘Great’ without irony, but rather, with deep respect and the utmost of sincerity.  Colin is a comic’s comic.  Comedians are the most insecure, cynical, negative, delusional, self-absorbed people on the planet.  It is not enough for a Stand Up to do well, all his peers need to fail miserably; spectacularly, in fiery crashes that rival the ‘Burning Atlanta’ scene from ‘Gone With The Wind’.  Colin is not one of those, and, when it comes to him, neither are we.  We are genuinely happy for his well-deserved success.  We just wish the son of a bitch wasn’t so damn funny, so Imus wouldn’t be able to use him as the benchmark to compare to our myriad of personal and professional deficiencies. 

    THE GREAT COLIN QUINN.  &$#@ YOU AND YOUR OFF BROADWAY SHOW, FUNNY BOY

    9:17:01 A.M. -  Bernard shares a story that actually happened to him as he left the Fox Studios after the ‘Mensa Meeting’ this morning.  Apparently, ‘Fox n’ Fiends’ had the You Tube Sensation, Two year Old ‘Trick Shot Titus’ for an outdoor segment with “Fn’F” host, Brian Kilmeade.  After the toddler dazzled the audience with EIGHT shots in a row, Kilmeade tried to ‘Help Out’, by tossing the miniature basketball back to the little tyke…and, in doing so, proceeded to smack the kid in the face with it. 

    BRIAN KILMEADE: HE MADE A TODDLER CRY

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Today, “The Video Of The Day” is not a video at all, but rather, an audio clip from a podcast, featuring Colin Quinn at ‘The Moth’, with one of the All-Time Greatest Show Business Stories EVER.  It’s a rare look at the inside of a Stand Up Comic’s Mind, and an uncanny recreation of what it feels like when you’re on stage…and bombing.  It begins with Robert De Niro’s wife, hiring Colin to perform at her husband’s Birthday Party….

    FROM SNL: COLIN QUINN AS ROBERT DENIRO

    http://bethschacter.com/uncategorized/colin-quinn-on-the-moth-dying-at-deniros-birthday/

     

    Wednesday
    Jul102013

    The I-Man Wears What He Wants

    6:05:00 a.m. –    The I-Man is living up to his pledge to wear whatever he finds in his Ranch closet. This morning, he’s sporting a shirt from the 1980’s.  A Lucchese denim cowboy shirt from the… ‘Village People’ collection.

    THE ‘WELL WORN’ LOOK.  WHAT THE ‘WELL WORN’ COWBOY IS WEARING THESE DAYS

    6:10:17 a.m. –  “Deirdre told me that, yesterday, I was wearing ‘Mom Jeans’.  What are ‘Mom Jeans’?”    Well, basically, they’re dungarees from Lucchese’s… ‘Village People’ collection. 

    THE ‘I-MOM’ IN HIS ‘JEANS’

    6:23:58 a.m. –  “The worst car dealership in the world is ‘Larry H.  Miller Hyundai’ in Albuquerque, New Mexico.”  Apparently, the I-Man has purchased a car for his adopted son, Zach, from the automobile outfit there, and they refused to take his Black Titanium American Express Card as payment.   They DID, however see fit to put a THREE THOUSAND DOLLAR DOWN PAYMENT on it, and then, when Imus provided a check for the full, cash amount for the car, said it would take a few weeks for them to refund the 3 K.  Um…who do they think they’re dealing with here?  If they will screw the I-Man, what do you think they will do to mouthbreathers like us?  If you would like to find out just what would happen if you were to purchase a car from Larry H. Miller Hyundai, you should call them at 866-685-5594.  Call often.  And make sure you ask all the questions you need to have answered.  Don’t worry about keeping them on the phone, they are deeply committed to customer satisfaction.

    LARRY H. MILLER HYUNDAI:

    THE SINGLE WORST CAR DEALERSHIP IN THE WORLD 

    CALL LARRY HIMSELF.  866-685-5594. 

    WE’RE SURE HE’D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU

    6:40:18 a.m. –   Stuart Varney is incensed, he is one of those ‘Clapton is God’ dudes, and so he’s in a ‘Brit Snit’ due to Imus’ refusal to acknowledge “Slowhand’s”  guitar brilliance.  Stuart’s gotta take it down a few notches.  Clapton can play guitar, sure, but Stevie Ray Vaughan he’s not.  Neither, unfortunately, is Mr. Varney.

    HOW ABOUT A HELICOPTER RIDE, STUART?

    7:02:57 a.m. –  Imus’ ‘take away’ from the Zimmerman trial after the judge walked out of the proceedings after 12 hours of testimony: “Hey Warner?  She missed Jeopardy!”

    “WHO IS JUDGE DEBRA NELSON?”

    7:07:38 a.m. –  Imus relates the story about Nat sending an email over the vacation…not to wish Wyatt good luck in the Rodeo Nationals, or to see how the I-Man might be feeling, seeing as how he had just had throat surgery prior to the break, but to ask for tickets to this year’s All Star Game at Citifield.  Imus is incensed by the insensitivity of our Stage Manager, Mr. Candido, and vows that, although he could easily email Mets owner Jeff Wilpon to wrangle a couple of tickets to the event, he will not…because Nat is such a phony.

    THE ONLY WAY NAT IS GOING TO THE ALL STAR GAME

    7:17:38 a.m. –  Dagen makes the point that Nat WASN’T being a phony, in that, he did NOT bother to suck up with insincere inquiries about the family, but rather, merely got right to his agenda, which was to see if he could score some ducats to the game.  “Good Point” Imus realizes…and immediately sends an email to Mr. Wilpon on Nat’s behalf.   Wilpon responds:  “Nat who?”  Jeff is obviously, a ‘Big Fan’ of the program.

    “I JUST GOT AN EMAIL FROM IMUS…I REALLY DON’T WANT TO OPEN IT…WHAT AM I GONNA DO?”

    7:41:38 a.m. –  Blonde on Blonde, or, as we like to call it… “Please, God, Make It Stop!”  Lis Wiehl actually refers to Anthony Weiner’s lack of judgment as ‘The Sending of The Wiener’.   Sounds like the title of a Robert Ludlum novel.

    THE LATEST IN LUDLUM’S ‘BOURNE’ SERIES, A CRACKLING, WHITE KNUCKLE, EDGE OF YOUR SEAT THRILLER INVOLVING THE TEXTING OF DIGITIALLY ENCRYPTED PENIS PHOTOS

    7:42: 19 a.m. –  Now might be a good time to start calling Larry H. Miller Hyundai to inquire as to why they’re such ‘Dope Dicks’ to customers.  They’re probably not open yet, but we’re sure you could leave a voicemail.  Or a couple of hundred voicemails, actually.     866-685-5594.   Ask for Larry. He’s there to help.

    DOESN’T HE LOOK HAPPY TO HAVE YOUR BUSINESS?  THAT’S A FACE THAT JUST SCREAMS ‘CUSTOMER SERVICE!’

    7:44:12 –  There are puppies in the studio at the Ranch.  Dagen and Delbert, the two new Great Pyrenees Puppies.  Not that it’s difficult to ignore Lis during any given ‘Blonde on Blonde’ segment, but…there’s PUPPIES IN THE STUDIO!

    “WHITE ON WHITE” DURING “BLONDE ON BLONDE”  IT’S LIKE THERE’S NOBODY ELSE IN THE ROOM…(NOW, YOU MIGHT NOTICE THAT THERE ARE THREE PUPPIES HERE…WELL, APPARENTLY, IT DIDN’T TAKE TOO LONG FOR DAGEN AND DELBERT TO ‘GET BUSY’, FORTUNATELY, THEY’RE NOT FROM THE SAME LITTER, SO, YOU KNOW, YOU’RE NOT GONNA WIND UP WITH SOME ‘SHORT BUS’ PUPPIES)

    8:01:22a.m. –   Dr. Bill Evans tells Imus about the Radar showing there being a possibility for there to be thunderstorms later on this afternoon…and that says that his “Pekinese may wind up under the bed.”.  “They’re not Pekinese, numb nuts.  They’re Pyrenees.”  We wonder what’s hiding under Dr. Bill’s bed.

    DR. BILL REALIZES, FAR TOO LATE,

    THAT HE SHOULD HAVE WORN HIS ‘ADULT DIAPER GEAR’

    8:17:34 a.m. –   Wilpon finally relents and coughs up the tickets for the I-Man to give to Nat.  Jeff clearly must owe the Boss for SOMETHING.  Nat responds to this incredible good fortune by sending Imus an incredibly insincere suck up ‘Thank You’ email.  In which, he actually uses the phrase:  “YOU MADE MY LIFE!!”  It’s enough to make you vomit.  Actually, it’s enough to make Imus decide to give the tickets to somebody else.

    SO CLOSE, NAT…SO CLOSE

    8:40:17 A.M. – After an inadequate performance from Tony as ‘Little Richard’, (“Jesus, you write this &#*^, you’d think you’d be able to perform it!”) Rob, as Larry King, begins his bit, not realizing he is not wearing his fake ‘Larry King’ glasses…but as there are no lenses in them, he is under the false assumption that he is, indeed wearing them, his vision being unchanged.  Yet another example of him screwing the I-Man.  The lack of specs causes a spectacle, and Imus proceeds to solicit auditions for “Replacement Comedians”.  Bernie suggests that perhaps the Boss is overreacting just a little bit.  Nevertheless, resumes immediately begin arriving at the Ranch Studio.  There is no shortage of comedians who are more than willing to put the fat bastard out of business.

    DAVE BONFIGLIO, A REGULAR AT GOTHAM COMEDY CLUB, DOES A GREAT  LARRY KING…AND AT LEAST HE REMEMBERS TO WEAR THE EFFING GLASSES

    9:17:01 A.M. -  After being thrown out of the studio by the I-Man, Rob has breakfast.

     ROB WASHED A HANDFUL OF THESE BABIES DOWN WITH A LARGE GLASS OF BOURBON.  AFTER ALL, IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY

    9:32:56A.M. -  We’re relatively sure that Larry H. Miller Hyundai is now officially open for business at this point. You really should call to see about their deposit refunding policies.   866-685-5594.   

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    WHAT THE FOLKS AT LARRY H. MILLER HYUNDAI IN ALBERQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO, (866-685-5594)   CAN LOOK FORWARD TO, IF THEY DON’T REFUND THAT 3 THOUSAND DOLLARS BY FIVE O’CLOCK TONIGHT, COURTESY OF STEWIE GRIFFIN OF ‘FAMILY GUY’

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzKAut3sVrw

     

     

    Tuesday
    Jul092013

    Duh!

    6:05:00 a.m. –    Yesterday, the I-Man went to the Santa Fe Airport to pick up his two new Great Pyrenees puppies, Dagen and Delbert.  Deirdre said that, before returning to the Ranch, they needed to stop at the Pet Store to purchase some ‘Wee Wee Pads’, to house train the dogs.  A half an hour later, she returned to the car with a shopping cart FILLED with 600 dollars worth of the effing things.  To be fair, some of them WERE for Imus.  He’s not quite house trained yet…and, as Wyatt has already informed him, he will soon be needing a leash.

    “MOVE OVER, POPS…I GOTTA TAKE A LEAK.”

    6:10:17 a.m. – Connell reports a story about the Ohio Kidnap victims from a couple months back…it seems that the three ladies made a You Tube video to thank their family and friends for their support during the ordeal.  Imus makes the observation that he wouldn’t be surprised if Scott Salotto might not have some people tied up in his basement.   

    “BE NICE AND DON’T SAY ANYTHING GRANDPA, AND I WILL TAKE YOUR LEG IRONS OFF LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO GO MAKE PEE PEE.”

    6:23:58 a.m. –  Warner has what could, quite possibly, be one of the greatest sports stories…EVER.  A true ‘Die-Hard’ Cleveland Browns fan put a final request in his will for six active Browns players to act as Pallbearers at his funeral, so that, in his words, “They can let me down ONE more time.”

    CLEVELAND BROWNS PALLBEARERS…ABOUT TO FUMBLE THE CASKET

    6:40:18 a.m. –   Author, Historian, and I-Fave, Doug Brinkley is the guest, ostensibly to talk about something about Presidents…but the conversation, somehow, devolves into a discussion about the quality of the water in Upstate New York.   That, somehow, leads to a conversation about Levon Helm.  NOW he has our attention.  We love a guy who can segue’ from presidential politics, to the water table, to beloved rock music figures.

    TRUST US…THESE THREE THINGS ARE CONNECTED

    7:01:57 a.m. – The aforementioned, potential hostage taker, Scott Salotto, reports on an experiment conducted by NYPD Scientists to test the Subway System’s airflow.  This is information which would be useful, should there be a terrorist initiated poisonous gas attack.  Today they will flood the tunnels throughout with concentrated, ‘non-poisonous’ gasses…hourly.  We think they could save thousands of dollars and countless hours of effort by merely treating the homeless who populate the A-Train line with free Taco Bell.

    7:15:38 a.m. –  “Glenn Beck needs to be put to sleep”.  This observation is made by the I-Man based upon Beck’s theory that Teresa Heinz faked her illness to cover for her husband spending the weekend on his yacht while there was a military takeover in Egypt.  Perhaps not put to sleep, but, given the involvement of the boat, perhaps he should be given what, in Gangland parlance, is known as ‘The Natalie Wood Treatment’.

    “HEY GLENN?  YOU OKAY, DUDE?”

    7:39:17 a.m. – Thor.  Brad Thor.  A great guest who also gets the rare ‘Carley & Nat Seal of Approval’, which is given only to those who show friendly compassion in the Green Room to the ‘Underlings’.  Tony, unfortunately, mistakes Brad for the Norse God of Thunder from ‘The Avengers’ movie…because Tony, well…is a moron.

    DON’T LET THE HAMMER FOOL YOU.  DEEP DOWN, HE’S A ‘LOVELY GUY’

    8:05:34 a.m. –   The ‘Oft Married’, and ‘Frequently Maligned’,  Lis Wiehl has sent the I-Man an email, in response to his complaining that we do not have anyone covering the Zimmerman trial.  She points out that she is a former federal prosecutor, legal analyst, and correspondent, who has been providing ‘Gavel to Gavel’ coverage of the trial for Fox News…and sees fit to end the missive with… “Duh”.   “Oh no she di-int.”  (“Oh yes she di-id.”)  Things might get a little ugly tomorrow during the popular ‘Blonde on Blonde’ segment.  Lis will wish she was Jodi Arias before the morning is over.

    “DUH”…INDEED

    8:11:17 A.M. -  Despite Lis’ offer to provide her legal expertise and perspective, we hold out for a ‘Real Lawyer’, and Anna-Sigga Nicolazzi is summoned to the phone, and she affords us with a concise, intelligent, insightful and well-expressed account of exactly what’s happening with the Zimmerman trial.  Unfortunately, she’s just on the phone.  So we can’t turn the sound down…which we will certainly be doing tomorrow when Lis is in the studio with us.

    ANNA SIGGA NICOLAZZI…SHE NOT ONLY PASSED THE BAR, SHE’S ALSO SET IT AWFULLY HIGH. IN OTHER WORDS: COMPLETELY OUT OF GUNZ’S LEAGUE

    8:14:27 A.M. -  During Dagen’s ‘Very Fine Business Report’, next Monday, July 15th, will be a very special day…THE RETURN OF THE HOSTESS TWINKIE!!!!  The company, under new management, will proudly put the Holiest of Holies back on the shelves, and the I-Man declares that we will have a ‘Taste Test’ with ‘Fat Elvis’.  This news causes Rob to momentarily lose consciousness.   After reviving him with some smelling salts, Tony informs the Fat Bastard that, yes, indeed, he DID hear correctly.  There will be a Taste Test of the Twinkies with ‘Fat Elvis’ next Monday morning.  At which point, Rob faints again.

    THESE PARTICULAR TWINKIES WERE BAKED ON JULY 15TH 1973…AND THEY TASTE JUST AS GOOD TODAY AS THEY DID 40 YEARS AGO.  IS THAT BECAUSE OF SOME HIDEOUS CHEMICAL PRESERVATIVES?  OR JUST PLAIN, OLD, ‘CREAMY GOODNESS’

    8:18:17 A.M. -  Warner weighs in on the Home Run Derby:  “Let’s get some REAL pitchers, throwing spitballs, brush backs, throwing real heat, hitting batters, knocking players down…”  It’s clear that Warner has already opened the ‘Box O’ Wine’ for today.  Either that, or after years of doing Sports for the Imus in the Morning Program, he has finally succumbed, and passed over to the ‘Dark Side’.

    WARNER’S APOCALYPTIC VISION OF THE ALL-STAR GAME’S “HOME RUN DERBY”

    8:39:17 A.M. -  Bob Beckel regales us with “Tales from the 1980’s”, the days before he was clean and sober, and still procuring the services of ‘Professional Female Companionship’.  Apparently, back in the day, ol’ Bob was quite the ‘Playa’…we have images of him using his trademark suspenders to bind women to the headboards on the beds of hotel rooms…for a small additional fee.

    WOULD YOU WANT A NAKED, SWEATY, VERSION OF THIS ON TOP OF YOU?  

    WE DIDN’T THINK SO.

    9:02:01 A.M. -  “Meteorolgphsyrtwqdst”, Dr. Bill Evans, says that he’s been enjoying the program this morning, acknowledging what he considers a highlight: The Anna Sigga Nicolazzi interview.  He also says that he always enjoys the I-Man’s comments on News and Weather.   We’re not sure, but we suspect he may be sucking up for All Star Game Tickets like Nat Candido.

    DR. BILL EVANS DISPLAYING HOW HE DEALS WITH THE STRESS OF BEING THE OFFICIAL “METEOROLWQYFSDXCVBKIST” FOR THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM: BY CHOKING A SMALL DOG

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

     

     Some people are born great,

    Some achieve greatness,

    While some have greatness thrust upon them  

    Takeru Kobayashi is…great.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5oY5FYULoU