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    Friday
    Jun072013

    The I-Man Heads to The Ranch!

    6:05:00 a.m. –   We begin the I-Man’s last ‘In-Studio’ appearance for the summer, as he is leaving for the Ranch tomorrow morning.  As a going away gift, he has reinstated Warner’s ‘Guarantee’ Privileges. Apparently, Mr. Wolf’s prognostication about the Miami Heat / San Antonio Spurs game last night, was almost dead on.  In celebration of his return to Guarantee Prominence, the Wolfman is so sure that he is about to enjoy an entire summer of correct predictions…that he sets his Betamax to record every sporting event until September.

    THIS WEEKEND, WARNER AND HIS WIFE ARE GONNA GO CRAZY AND POP IN SOME CLASSIC EPISODES OF ‘THE TOMORROW SHOW WITH TOM SNYDER’

    6:10:17 a.m. – It seems that the I-Man has had some unpleasant words with Tom Bowman, the Executive Producer of the Television Portion of the Imus in the Morning Program on Fox Business.   Just prior to airtime, he informed Bigfoot that he will need a ‘Hair’ and ‘Makeup’ person out at the Ranch. Bigfoot:  “But we’ve never had one before.”  Uh oh.  Oh no, you di-int.  Forget the fact that The Boss has FIRED people for using that very phrase…but how could Bigfoot POSSIBLY think that the I-Man isn’t going to need MAKE UP?  Are they planning on shooting him through Vaseline?  People will think they’re watching a clip from the Broadway Musical ‘Phantom of the Opera’.

    AT THE VERY LEAST, THEY SHOULD JUST GIVE HIM A LITTLE POWDER

    6:17:42 a.m. –   An excited I-Man informs Warner that, last night, he actually watched…Jeopardy!  He was pretty unimpressed.  “I’ll take Television Hosts for 200, Alex.”  “The answer is:  ‘Despite the fact that he has helmed this time-honored Game Show for years…he is positively AWFUL’.”   “Who is…Alex Trebek?”  No, seriously…who IS Alex Trebek?  And why won’t this loser moron get off my television?

    “I’LL TAKE ‘WHINY MULTI-MILLIONAIRES FOR 400, ALEX”

    6:40:18 a.m.   Eddie Money, the classic 80’s artist, is downstairs in the Plaza, performing in a Tent for the folks at ‘Fox n’ Friends’.  Imus had been offered Mr. Money as a possible guest, to which the I-Man replied there wasn’t ENOUGH Money on the planet to put him on.  Despite the fact that Famous Dave’s is offering Free Barbecue, and Krispy Kreme is providing Free Chocolate Donuts for National Donut Day, it is POURING rain, and we think that may factor into the somewhat lackluster public response to Mr. Money’s appearance.  His ‘Fan’ may be put off.  Oh, who are we kidding?  Let’s face it.  Tropical Storm Andrea aside…nobody’s watching Eddie Money…because he SUCKS.  Two tickets to…the Cemetery.  How about that, Eddie? 

    EDDIE MONEY…THEN, AND NOW.

    (TO PARAPHRASE THE BEATLES… ‘MONEY CAN’T BUY YOU…TALENT’)

    6:45:24 a.m.    The Boss is going out to the Ranch tomorrow, where he will be at 6000 ft. altitude, surrounded by thick smoke from the Forest Fires in New Mexico.  He’d have an easier time breathing if he were to do the show underwater.

    7:06:58 a.m. –   The I-Man promotes Delbert McClinton’s upcoming appearance this coming Tuesday.   Delbert’s new album is a collaboration with his old friend Glen Clark, and is titled ‘Blind, Crippled, and Crazy’.  

    THE COVER TO DELBERT AND GLEN’S NEW RECORD

    7:13:16 a.m. –  Imus provides us with some Pizza perspective.  “Would anybody EVER eat Papa John’s?”  We’re not sure where this line of thought came from, or why he decided to blurt it out at this particular moment in time, but, perhaps he’s merely emptying the ‘Dumptruck’ that is his mind.   He shares that Papa John is about as smarmy and sleazy as…Joel Osteen.  This is how we know Jesus is not back …because He hasn’t yet smacked either of these two pantloads in the mouth…

    WHICH IS CHEESIER?  JOEL?  JOHN?  OR THE PIZZA?

    7:21:38 a.m. –  Not that he would’ve put him on the air anyway, but Imus finds out that in the book Jonathan Alter wanted to promote, Alter brutally savages Roger Ailes.  Jonathan maintains that Ailes is so secretive and paranoid, that he enters the News Corp building, (Which is home to the Fox News Network, the Fox Business network, and the offices of the Legendary Tabloid New York Post) through the side door.  Imus points out that he ALSO uses this entrance.  As does Connell, Dagen, Rob, Tony, Carley, Nat, Megyn Kelly, Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity.  In fact, the only one who doesn’t, is Little Richard.  He always comes in ‘The Back Door.’   Boom!  Shut up!  I’ll be here all week.  Please tip your waitresses. 

    “ROGER?  ROGER WHO?  WE DON’T KNOW ANY ROGER?  BUT IF WE DID…WHAT PASSWORD WOULD HE USE?  JONATHAN ALTER SUCKS?  OKAY, C’MON IN”

    7:24:48 a.m. –  Imus is still ruminating about the ‘gift’ that Paul Anka’s publicist sent over as a token of ‘Thanks’ for having Paul on the program last month to promote his autobiography.  The Boss notes that you could get one of those Crystal Decanters at a gas station after you fill up 5 times in a row. It’s also a little known fact that, at Christmas time, Hess Stations fill those toy trucks with Hennessy.    

    “ONE MORE FILL UP AND WE WILL HAVE THE WHOLE SET OF GLASSES!”

    7:39:17 a.m. – Dr. Alan Katz, noted Urologist, and the I-Man’s Personal Prostate Pal, is on to promote his upcoming ‘Men’s Health Seminar’.  He promises to answer all Men’s questions like, “Hey Doc, I just had unprotected sex with a chick I picked up at the bar and now I have flames shooting out of my penis, is that bad?”  “You mean, you have a burning sensation?”  “No, there’s actually FIRE coming out of it.”   

    “I KNEW I SHOULD’VE USED A CONDOM!  PENNICILLIN IS DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO HELP THIS!”

    8:11:34 a.m. – Connell reports that the Pope has opted to stay in the Vatican Hotel, rather than the Papal Residence, for the benefit of his mental health.  We assume that he does that to remain grounded, and not be affected by the power of his position, but the I-Man interprets the news as evidence that the Pope is crazy.  Just because a man believes that he speaks directly to God, and FOR God, is no reason to assume he is ‘crazy’.   Some people believe they actually ARE God…now THAT’S crazy…although it doesn’t seem to interfere with hosting a nationally syndicated morning radio and television program.

    “NOW…THE TITLES TO THOSE PAY PER VIEW MOVIES…THEY WON’T SHOW UP ON THE BILL, RIGHT?”

    8:18:34 a.m. –  Warner shares a story about Fernando Lamas, and the recently ‘Dead in the Water’ Esther Williams.  Apparently, the Latin Lover Lamas used to remove his trousers when driving in the car, and put them on once he arrived at his destination, so as not to wrinkle the pants.  Yeah, that’s the excuse we use too.  He’s riding in the car with his hot, swimmer wife, who OBVIOUSLY knows how to hold her breath…yeah, Warner…it’s all about the crease.

    FERNANDO GETS READY TO GO FOR A DRIVE WITH ESTHER

    8:23:45 a.m. – “I’m rehiring Matthew Hiltzik”, Imus says.  “I’m just not going to pay him.”  This is quite an innovative Business Model.  We wonder if the IRS would be okay if we started to apply that technique when it comes time to file taxes.  Something tells us that’s not going to fly very well with them.  Although there are remarkable similarities between the low-rent, slimy, douche nozzle Hiltzik…and the Internal Revenue Service

    MATTHEW HILTZIK…SLIPS INTO SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE…BEFORE HE SCREWS THE I-MAN

    8:29:45 a.m. –  It’s time for the monthly Jobs report, and to provide us with the numbers, Imus introduces our Fox Business Correspondent,  “Here now is the Snivelling Little Titty Baby With The Stick Up His Butt, Peter Barnes”,  apparently, unaware that Barnes is hearing all of this.   “I thought you were on location in Washington, and, out of earshot.  So, at this point, please allow me to say…I meant every word.” 

    YOU CAN’T SEE THE STICK FROM HERE

    8:54:17 A.M. -  The real Larry King has been the guest, and the I-Man goes on about how great he is, and how much he loves him, until Bernie reminds him that, it wasn’t too long ago when he was threatening to “Punch that old bastard in the mouth.”  Poor Larry had done something to curry disfavor with The Boss, and, therefore, the threat of physical violence.  Yeah.  Tough guy.  Vow to kick the ass of an 80 year old fossil who will break a hip if you just LOOK at him crosseyed.  We think that might actually make for a Pay Per View we would GLADLY and eagerly purchase.  Especially if Imus doesn’t connect on the first punch…because he’d be so winded at that point, Larry would show him the textbook definition of ‘Roping the Dope’.

    “AND DOWN GOES THE CRANKY COWBOY!”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    WE BID A FOND FAREWELL TO THE LATE, GREAT, ESTHER WILLIAMS

    (A BITTERSWEET MOMENT, ON ONE HAND, WE LOST A BELOVED HOLLYWOOD LEGEND…ON THE OTHER HAND, WE HAD HER IN THE, APPROPRIATELY NAMED ‘DEAD POOL’.)

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GJzjAqU3wY 

     

    Thursday
    Jun062013

    A Whole Lotta Starch

    6:05:00 a.m. –   The I-Man asked for starch in his jeans…and boy, did he get it.  He’s got a crease so sharp in his trousers he could slice tomatoes. Well…at least the pants are stiff.  Even if what’s in them…isn’t.

    THE LADIES AT HALLAK CLEANERS WORK ON THE I-MAN’S WARDROBE

    6:10:17 a.m. –  The Boss, insightful son-of-a-gun that he is, has the question of the day:  He ponders, “Why don’t all Lesbians have Throat Cancer?”   We think that will be the first thing he asks K.T. McFarland when she arrives for her interview at 6:30.  Not that K.T. is a lesbian.  But, we have reason to believe that she very possibly be a Throat Cancer Carrier.

    K.T. MCFARLAND:  SHE’S NOT LOOKING FOR A  CURE

    6:25:42 a.m. –   Bernie reports a tragic story about a pair of radio hosts from Listener Sponsored WBAI in New York; motivational speakers who hosted a program called ‘The Pursuit of Happiness’…who, unfortunately, committed suicide.  Bernie shares this story as he finds some uncanny parallels to our program.  He maintains that the I-Man is constantly ‘pursuing happiness’ for his listening audience…and Rob shares that we also consider suicide on a daily basis.  It is completely inappropriate, in poor taste, and positively WRONG to find humor in such a horrible story…which, of course, only makes it that much funnier.  It’s like the proverbial fart in church:  “The Laugh that dare not speak its’ name”.   Apparently, they didn’t find the couple for a number of days…we assume it’s because they were waiting for the ‘On Air’ light to go off.

    “C’MON!   EVEN I THINK THAT’S FUNNY”

    6:40:18 a.m. –   The aforementioned K.T. McFarland is on to discuss the new NSA Chief Susan Rice.  K.T. is not a big fan.  She prefers her Rice…Condoleeza style….which is white on the INSIDE.

    AN UNCLE BEN APPROVED ENTRÉE

    7:02:58 a.m. –   Imus mentions that Mike Lupica’s daughter, Hannah has graduated the 8th Grade.  They grow up so fast.  Except for Mike, that is.  Who, even at age 61, is prevented from riding enjoying certain Roller Coasters.

     

    7:35:17 a.m. –  The ‘mensa MEETING’ begins with the announcement that Michael ‘Gunz’ Gunzelman will be given his own Radio Segment that will air on WABC.  He is currently looking for names for the spot, so far, ‘Gunz: Fully Loaded’, ‘Gunz: Taking Aim’ and ‘Gunz: A Blazin’’ are in the running.  We think there should be truth in advertising, so we are actually in favor of ‘Gunz:  Half Cocked’. 

    WOULD YOU LISTEN TO A RADIO PROGRAM HOSTED BY THIS MAN?

    7:39:35 a.m. –  A number of disturbing topics are up for discussion among the panel members this morning.  Throat Cancer risks, of course, up top, but then Imus mentions that a company in Austin, Texas is introducing a line of lollipops that are ‘Breast Milk’ flavored.   Unfortunately, you have to eat them two at a time.

    BREAST MILK FLAVORED LOLLIES.  WOULD YOU CALL THEM ‘TITSIE POPS’?   (HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER?)

    8:05:34 a.m. –  Off air, Rob gets a text from Gregg ‘Opie’ Hughes, half of the ‘Opie and Anthony Program’, of which, he and the I-Man are huge fans.  Apparently, Paul Anka was also a guest of theirs over at the Sirius / XM studios, and he sent the very same ‘Thank You’ gift to them that he sent Imus.  Imus…O&A…Howard Stern…and, we now think, those two radio hosts from WBAI…which may explain a lot.

    ‘THE GIFT THAT’, APPARENTLY, ANKA ‘KEEPS ON GIVING’.

    8:23:45 a.m. – Imus says that he got his shirts laundered, starched, and pressed, PERFECTLY in Huntsville Texas, for a dollar and a quarter apiece, as opposed to the fourteen dollars and fifty cents Hallak Cleaners in Manhattan charges.   He figures out that he could actually FEDEX his shirts to Texas from his apartment on the Upper West Side, get them back OVERNIGHT…and actually SAVE $13.25 a shirt.  Actually, if he’s willing to let his shirts act as compartments in which Illegal Aliens can fit, he could actually MAKE money off the deal, even though Huntsville is not all that close to the border.

    IMUS’ WEEKLY DRY CLEANING ORDER.  ALL OF THE ABOVE CAN BE DONE IN TEXAS FOR APPROXIMATELY 27 DOLLARS

    8:39:45 a.m. – The beautiful, but full on, bull goose loony, right-wing psycho, Monica Crowley is our guest, and she makes the rare, rookie mistake of commenting on the I-Man’s Jeans.  He invites her to ‘feel’ them.  She does.  We’re surprised she doesn’t light up a cigarette when she’s finished.   “How did they feel?” he asks.  “Stiff,” comes the reply, which, we are almost positive, is not something he hears very often. 

    UNFORTUNATELY, SHE DID NOT ASK US TO FEEL HER JEANS

    9:0517 A.M. -  Dagen tells the I-Man that she and Connell will be welcoming NASCAR great Jeff Gordon on their very fine program at 11 A.M. this morning.  The Boss asks where the race is this weekend.  ‘Pocono’, she informs us…and also provides us with the little tidbit that it’s a ‘Triangle’ shaped track.  “Must have very sharp turns.” Imus quips.  Of course, that’s where they hold the Isosceles 500 every year.

    TO ENTER THE PIT, YOU NEED TO KNOW THE PYTHAGOREAN THEORUM

    9:13:42 A.M. – We learn that Larry King, the REAL Larry King, will be one of our guests tomorrow, along with “My urologist, Dr. Alan Katz…I mean, Dr. Aaron Katz”.   You’d think that the I-Man would at least know the correct name of the man who snaps on a rubber glove and digitally goes spelunking in his sphincter.  Which begs the question… “Just how many people HAVE had their hands in the I-Man’s butt?”  We know there have been countless pairs of lips…but we would hope the list of those who have actually treated him as though he were a Muppet, would be relatively short.

    “YOU MIGHT FEEL SOME SLIGHT DISCOMFORT, BOB…UNLESS OF COURSE, YOU’D LIKE TO GET A BITE AFTER THE EXAM…”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE TOO MUCH STARCH IN YOUR JEANS

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtY2xxdhzY8 

     

    Wednesday
    Jun052013

    The Freak Parade is Back!

    6:05:00 a.m. –    We are back after our brief hiatus, armed and ready for another full-out assault on the Freak Parade.  The I-Man’s voice is raw from the surgery he had prior to the break, although the effect of said surgery has left the Boss with a vocal timbre that is… very manly and sexy.  In fact, the resulting tone makes us feel… ‘pretty’.  It’s a ‘Good News/Bad News’ Scenario:  Bad News: Imus’ voice is shaky.  Good News:  Carl “Two Questions” Jeffers is on at 8:30…so it’s not like he’d get a word in edgewise anyway.

    CARL JEFFERS NEW ALBUM, “SGT. PROLIX VERBOSE MOUTH CLUB BAND” DROPS NEXT TUESDAY

    6:10:17 a.m. –  Dwight ‘Dr. K’ Gooden is on the program this morning to promote his new Autobiography ‘Doc’.   Ironically, Nat Candido, an Uber-Met Fan, (He has a tattoo of the NY Mets Logo on his arm…so we’re talking ‘Stalker’ level loyalty to the team here) is not at work today.  Somehow, this makes us chuckle.  One of the Mets’ Iconic Superstars, in fact, quite possibly one of the greatest pitchers in Major League Baseball History…and our Stage Manager has to go to traffic court.  Somehow, it doesn’t seem quite worth the 85 dollars and two points on his license he will be ‘saving’ by not just pleading ‘guilty’.  Doc, however, fully understands the concept behind wanting to get ‘straight’ with the law.

    NAT IS THE DISAPPOINTED GUY TO THE RIGHT OF MR. MET

    6:21:42 a.m. –   Wyatt Imus is going to the National Jr. Rodeo Finals in Gallup, New Mexico…and the I-Man has already gone on record as saying he knows how tedious it is when he sends detailed emails about the Wy-Man’s team roping results…that we just want to know , ‘Did Wyatt win or not?’  and the rest is ‘blah blah blah’.   Little does the Boss know…most EVERYTHING he says we consider ‘blah blah blah’.  You can see Wyatt and his Team Roping partner, McCray Profili’s winning run on this very website.  The ‘Win Win’ part of this particular scenario is…The I-Man doesn’t speak on the video.

    WYATT IMUS:  THAT BOY GOT A GIFT!

    6:40:18 a.m. –   Doc Gooden is interviewed, and the I-Man fondly reminisces about his days as a drunk and drug addict…extolling the virtues of Stolichnaya Vodka when it’s placed in the freezer…you can virtually hear Dwight drool at the very thought…

    DRINKING MADE DOC DO SOME…STRANGE THINGS…LIKE NOT WEAR PANTS IN THE BALL PIT AT CHUCK E. CHEESE

    7:02:58 a.m. –   Imus relates a story about Paul Anka…who, according to his publicist, is a HUGE, loyal fan of the I-Man’s.  To thank the Boss for promoting his new book, Anka sent a gift to the office…a crystal brandy decanter.  Obviously, this Super Fan just started listening…yesterday.  Apparently, the gift was down to a choice between the carafe…and season tickets to the 2014 Rutger’s Women’s Basketball games.

    IF PAUL ANKA REALLY  WANTED TO SEND A GIFT, HE SHOULD HAVE UPHELD THE TRADITION OF RECORD COMPANY EXECUTIVES BACK IN THE 70’S

    7:13:16 a.m. –  The I-Man’s rodeo trailer neighbor is a deaf mute…for two years, Imus has been waving to the man, and saying ‘Good Morning’, to which, the gentleman responds in kind…except he just mouths the words ‘Good Morning’…because, obviously, as we have just established…he is a mute.  Imus just assumed the man was actually saying the greeting…and he couldn’t hear him, because, as we have established many times in this blog, Imus is also deaf.  Unfortunately, he is not also a mute.

    FUNNY, THAT’S NOT THE WAY THE I-MAN SIGNS THE LETTER ‘I’

    7:39:17 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde…or as we like to call it, ‘Now we wish WE were deaf!” The ladies discuss the Human Papillomavirus, which, apparently is transmitted through oral sex, which is the reason Michael Douglas says he has throat cancer.  Fortunately, in our humble opinions, both Deirdre and Lis are…worth the risk.

    A SURE WAY TO GET CANCER

    7:43:17 a.m. – During this week’s installment of ‘Blonde on Blonde’, Lis uses the French word ‘reportage’…which is only one among the many things Lis does the ‘French’ way…in addition to not shaving her armpits.

    MADAMEMOISELLE LIS WIEHL, LE BEL AVOCAT:  “NOUS LE FRAPPERIONS”

    8:17:34 a.m. – Dagen’s Business Report includes an item about a woman Postal Worker who was caught in a Worker’s Compensation Scam.  Apparently, she had a ‘shoulder injury’  which, she claimed, left her “Unable to sit, stand, kneel, squat, climb, bend, reach or grasp”.  It did not, however, prevent her from appearing on ‘The Price is Right’.  Oops.  “Cathy Cashwell…C’mon down!  And…surrender to the authorities.”

    “HIGHER!  LOWER!” 

    (THE AUDIENCE REFERS TO HOW MUCH JAIL TIME SHE FACES)

    8:39:45 a.m. –  Carl, ‘Two Questions’ Jeffers, performs Yeoman’s duty this morning, not that the I-Man would be able to interrupt him anyway, given the condition of his voice.  Carl picks up the slack left by the Boss’ inability to speak, and begins a rant that would rival that famous Cinematic Fillibuster in ‘Mr. Smith Goes To Washington.’  

    “JESUS, THAT JIMMY STEWART REALLY KNOWS HOW TO TALK!”

    9:05:17 A.M. -  Jonathan Alter makes the Cardinal Mistake of sending the I-Man an email…which begins “I know I haven’t been a good friend to you…”  Which, of course, you just KNOW is going to be followed by a request for an appearance on the program to promote another of his hideous books.   Yeah.  Sure, Jonathan.  You will be on the show when McDonald’s does a cooking segment with Deirdre.

    “OH NO!  THE HAMBURGLAR STOLE ALL THE TOFU!  GUESS WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO USE BEEF!”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    TWO VIDEOS

    SPECIALLY CHOSEN FOR OUR ‘HARD OF HEARING’ BLOG READERS

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVh0_e_OiZ0 

    http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/702f7c56c4/snl-news-top-sories-for-the-hard-of-hearing 

     

    Tuesday
    May212013

    The I-Man Returns for Shooter Jennings

    6:05:00 a.m. –   The I-Man, true professional that he is, has pulled himself from his sick bed, where he is recuperating from throat surgery, to host the program this morning…because Shooter Jennings and the band are in today and he has a deep commitment to all of his ‘Peeps’ out there in Listening Land.  Thankfully, due to God, the genius of Dr. Peekaboo Wu, and the medical miracle known as Vicodin, he is not in pain…however, the results of the surgery are…not pretty.  In fact, listening to him speak, you’d swear he was going through puberty.  The 72 year old Radio Legend with the iconic voice… has taken to the airways sounding like Susan Saint James.  

    PROMO STILL FROM CLASSIC 90’S SITCOM, ‘KATE AND ALLIE’

    6:10:17 a.m. –  Imus is soldiering through the morning because of his fondness and appreciation for Shooter.  He relates a story about his experiences as an up and coming DJ… “You know, in the old days, the artists used to have little presents for the Jock to show their appreciation…I don’t feel well enough for hookers, so let’s get straight to the cocaine.”  We agree…it would be somewhat awkward and embarrassing to be in a bed with a prostitute…when we’re still waiting for his other testicle to drop.

     

    6:31:42 a.m. –   Shooter and the boys play the first song off their new album “The Other Life”, called “Hard Lesson To Learn.”  It’s SMOKIN’!  We are almost as grateful to the boss for coming in to do the program this morning as the band is.  Not a bad way to start off a morning.  The drummer is amazing.  In short, the ‘Anti-Ringo’.

    DRUMMER’S EYE VIEW.   THIS ‘CAT’ ‘COOKS’ AND IS TOTALLY ‘IN THE POCKET’  (WANT SOME MORE HEPCAT MUSICIAN TALK?)

    6:55:18 a.m. –   Tony notices that Imus has painted ONE fingernail, the thumb on his right hand.  We are somewhat surprised at his choice however, as we expected the middle to be the one to which he would want to draw attention…you know, for his customary ‘salute’. He says the polishing of the fingernail is for ‘good luck’ as it’s his ‘stopwatch finger.’   Cue the James Bond music… “Gollllldfeeeengah…he’s the man…the man with the broken lung…and wayward tongue….he’s full of dung… feengah…

    “I’M SORRY, BUT…YOU MUMBLED YOUR MATERIAL, MR. BOND…I CANNOT ALLOW THAT.  THIS LASER WILL SLICE YOU IN HALF IN APPROXIMATELY THREE MINUTES…GOOD MORNING TO YOU.”

    7:02:58 a.m. –   The I-Man mentions that ‘Yogi’ is the ‘Best driver ever.’   That is, of course, unless he sees a Pick-A-Nick Basket.  Hey Boo Boo!  All Hell is about to break loose!

    STRANGELY, THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO BRANT

    7:39:17 a.m. – Neil Cavuto is on.  Imus accuses him of “Not bringing his ‘A’ game.”  We don’t agree, but the I-Man isn’t really operating at his full capacity, as his legendary superpowers are somewhat dulled due to the effects of his throat surgery. 

    FRED MCMURRAY, ROB, CHIP AND ‘CAVUTO’ FROM ‘MY THREE SONS’

    8:11:34 a.m. – Imus takes half a Vicodin.  We wonder how long it will take before it kicks in.  Not long, it seems, as about 3 minutes to the second later, he calls Shooter Jennings … ‘Scooter’.  As if Mr. Jennings was some Sophomore from a Prep School in Greenwich, Connecticut.

    THIS IS “SCOOTER”

    THIS IS “SHOOTER”  

    (WE SUGGEST HE PUT THE ‘O’ BACK IN COUNTRY, BECAUSE WHERE THAT REVOLVER IS POINTING, HE’LL SOON HAVE TO PUT HIS NUT BACK IN THE SACK)

    8:18:34 a.m. –  Seeing as how the I-Man’s voice is very strained, we offer to interview Shooter for him.  However, we quickly discover that interviewing is a skill that is not easy to perform, let alone master as well as Imus does.  We come up with a list of questions, the first being what Shooter thinks about all this Gun Control talk with the Obama administration. Yes.  We actually think nobody knows what this man’s position on the 2nd amendment is.  He’s got a tattoo of a Colt Peacemaker down his left forearm…and his effing name is SHOOTER for Christ’s sake.  We are not that bright.

    “…AND I GOT A CLIP OF .44 CALIBER SHELLS TATOOED ON MY…OH, LEMME JUST SHOW YOU”

    8:23:45 a.m. –  Imus asks Shooter “What was it like singing with Nancy Griffin?”   “Oh, it was great working with ‘PATTY’.”   Yes, the Vicodin has DEFINITELY kicked in.  Imus then introduces our musical guest for a set of 3 songs in a row.  “Please welcome…Phil Rizzuto.”

    WE HAVE PRINTED THE FOLLOWING LITTLE GUIDE ONTO AN INDEX CARD ESPECIALLY FOR THE I-MAN SO HE WON’T GET CONFUSED ANY MORE

        

                  PATTY GRIFFIN (L)                          NANCI GRIFFITH (R)

          

    ANDY GRIFFIN                        PETER GRIFFIN

    8:27:45 a.m. –  Imus’ voice has now spilled over into the category where you could actually consider it ‘cute’.  We beg him to call a pharmacy to ask if they ‘Sell rubbers there.’   We now know why the Vienna Boys’ Choir used to castrate their sopranos.  Just so there would be no embarrassing, voice-cracking moments during the “Hallelujah Chorus”.

    SEBASTIAN WALDSTÄTTEN, ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS CASTRATIS IN HISTORY  WE AREN’T SURE, BUT WE THINK THE CHERUB UNDERNEATH HIS LEGS IS HOLDING HIS TESTICLES

    8:43:17 A.M. -  Shooter closes out a killer set with ‘Wake Up’, a song off his legendary concept album ‘Black Ribbons’, which has been described by the website BloodyAwful.com as ‘The Allman Brothers meets Pink Floyd … a mind-blowing opus that completely obliterates genre distinctions where twanging dobros co-exist with Nintendo Chipsets and surreal psychedelic soundscapes float above smoking slabs of whiskey-soaked southern soul…an electrifying thrill ride across a dense, dark and gloriously decadent musical landscape.”  That’s about right.   No insipid, Nudie Suit, Rhinestone Cowboy crap here, folks.   The song has the lyric ‘Life is a movie, don’t let them edit you out.’  We couldn’t agree more, however, there are times when we think that in the movie of life…somebody else dubs in your voice.

    IF YOUR LIFE RESEMBLES THIS MOVIE…YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT BEING EDITED OUT

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    AS A TRIBUTE TO THE I-MAN, HIS DEDICATION TO HIS MILLIONS OF FANS, AND AS A TESTAMENT TO THE COMMITMENT HE HAS MADE TO BE THERE EVERY MORNING, NO MATTER HOW SICK OR IN PAIN HE MAY BE…

    (AND A NOD TO HIS ADORABLE POST-SURGICAL VOICE)

    WE OFFER THIS CLASSIC CLIP FROM ONE OF THE MOST ICONIC EPISODES OF THE WORLD’S GREATEST SITCOM, ‘THE BRADY BUNCH’

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyooALwfxO8 

     

     

    Thursday
    May162013

    Thank You I-Nation!

    6:05:00 a.m. –    We begin the program this morning with the announcement that, due to your support and generosity, all of you members of the ‘I-Nation’,  the Radiothon raised over 1.3 MILLION dollars.  And the money is still coming in.  A grateful I-Man thanks all his loyal followers, sponsors, listeners and viewers alike.  Thanks a million.

     

    6:10:17 a.m. –  Mel Karmazin, our former boss back in the WFAN days, and late of the Sirius/XM empire, sent an email to Imus, wondering if he still “Owes the I-Man anything.”  Of course he does. The Boss makes the observation that being forced to work for Farid Suleman has created a debt for which, Karmazin will NEVER be able to pay back.  So Mel ponied up a 100 Grand donation to the Ranch.  That will go a long, long way towards easing the pain.

    MEL KARMAZIN: PRAYING THAT THERE WILL COME A DAY WHEN IMUS WILL JUST, FINALLY, SHUT THE  #+@% UP!

    6:31:42 a.m. –   Imus comments on the upcoming New York Mayoral Race, and candidate Christine Quinn’s admission that she is an alcoholic and bulimic.  “Girl, getting’ drunk and throwin’ up them tacos.”  Add that to Anthony Weiner’s ‘Personal Baggage’, and we got the makings of a GENUINE Freak Parade.  Let the games begin!

    WHY NOT JUST THROW DINNER DIRECTLY INTO THE TOILET AND CUT OUT THE MIDDLE MAN?

    6:40:18 a.m. –   Stuart Varney is so excited about the myriad White House Scandals, he practically has to wear rubber pants. 

    IF THE ‘GIFTS THAT KEEP ON GIVING’, THE BENGHAZI AND IRS STORIES CONTINUE THE WAY THEY ARE GOING…STUART MAY NEED A CASE OF THESE

    7:02:58 a.m. –   “Matthew Hiltzik is the Jody Arias of Public Relations.”  The I-Man has not exactly FIRED the Publicity Agent, but he has, however, stopped payment on his monthly 10 Thousand Dollar retainer.  Hiltzik, who also represents such fine, upstanding members of society as Alec Baldwin, Katie Couric, Hillary Clinton, Manti T’eo and the New York Mets.  Hitler, if he was still around, would be a client. 

    WOULD YOU TRUST THIS MAN WITH YOUR PUBLIC IMAGE?

    7:03:16 a.m. –    Dr. Bill Evans is on to give his very fine weather report, and Imus asks him why ABC TV put a screen up on one of the windows there on their ground floor studio from which the good Dr. does his forecasts for Good Morning America.  Doctor Bill hesitates for a moment, and then claims that “They are building another studio, I-Man.”  Truth of the matter, however, is that the I-man was creeping everybody out by peering into the window every morning.  It’s kind of like the barriers at the monkey house at the zoo.  Not really to protect the people from the apes…but to keep the chimps from being annoyed by the people.

    “BLACK ESCALADE APPROACHING…WE ARE ON THREAT LEVEL ORANGE…THIS IS NOT A DRILL.”

    7:06:44 a.m. –     Added to the Hiltzik rant is The Reverend Jonathan Mason, our Sales Manager at WABC Radio.  Apparently, the Rev made the classic mistake of asking the I-Man why he didn’t  “Show some love for the Sales Department for selling those half hour sponsorhips for the Radiothon.”  Oh no he di-int.  Um…yes he did.  Imus calmly asks the rhetorical question.  “IS HE OUT OF HIS F#$%^ING MIND??”   Hiltzik, in typical weasel fashion, hides behind the ample girth of Rev Mason to shield himself from the attack.

    THE REV. MASON:  “BASED ON THE NOVEL ‘PUSH’ BY SAPPHIRE”

    7:11:38 a.m. –  In light of all the controversy surrounding both Matthew Hiltzik and the Reverend Mason’s respective statuses as reprobates, Tony observes that the I-Man’s comment about a Sales Manager and a Public Relations guy being ‘fundamentally dishonest’…is in the same category as the statement ‘Water is Wet’.

    HILTZIK & THE REV: PRISONERS OF LOVE

    7:39:17 a.m. –  The Mensa Meeting:  Dierdre is wearing one of her conservative, almost ‘Amish-Like’ dresses that is so low cut you can tell what she had for breakfast, the shine off Bernard’s dome is causing ‘camera flare’, Alan Colmes looks like he better keep moving lest someone throws dirt on him…and Lis is…well, drunk.  You put any one of them on a milk carton and nobody looks for them.  Except, of course, for Deirdre…nah nah nah nah nah!

    ‘MENSA MEETING’…THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE…IRONIC, RIGHT?

    8:11:34 a.m. – Philadelphia native Kevin Magee, our TV boss, snagged the autographed Eagles’ Guitar in the Imus Ranch Radiothon Auction.  For 12,200 dollars, Mr. Magee became the proud owner of the signatures of Glenn Frey, Don Henley, Joe Walsh and Timothy B. Schmit.  He is very disappointed,  as he stated in an email to the I-Man, “I can’t find Michael Vick’s autograph anywhere.”  Um…Kevin…it’s the OTHER Eagles.

    DON HENLEY: TIGHT END FOR THE EAGLES 2013 SEASON

    8:18:34 a.m. –  Warner Wolf tells a story about a Kenyan Soccer player who grabbed a ref by the…um…balls.   Warner, in trying to convey the severity of the incident, says that the Ref could’ve wound up ‘Impotent’.  Of course, Warner pronounces the word as ‘Im-PO’-tent’ …calling to mind that old joke about the guy who goes to the doctor and is informed that he is, in fact, ‘impotent’, which inspires the old codger to dress…well, we’ll leave it to you to fill in the blanks.  Suffice to say that the joke was a staple of Redd Foxx’s old nightclub act. 

    IT’S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THAT MR. FOXX BUILT AN ENTIRE CAREER AROUND THE CATCH PHRASE: “YOU GOTTA WASH YOUR @$$”

    8:23:45 a.m. –   Imus uses the great Donna Summer’s lyric, ‘She works hard for the money’ when reading one of the live spots…he asks if she is still with us. Rob informs the I-Man that, sadly, she is not, but that she is about to be inducted into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame.  “Posthumously?”  the I-Man asks.  “No”, Tony says. “They’re going to dig her up so she can attend the ceremony.”  Jesus, what a dope.  Sidebar:  You might think that Disco Diva Donna is an unusual choice to be given a place in the Rock n’ Roll Hall O’ Fame, but, arguably, she is one of the more ‘Impotent’ names in music over the past 50 years.

    DONNA SUMMER: SHE GOT SOME “HOT STUFF BABY THIS EVENIN’”

    8:39:45 a.m. –  The Great Penn Jillette is here to promote the Celebrity Apprentice finals this Sunday, in which, his new ice cream, “Vanilla & Chocolate Magic Swirtle” which features a combination of premium vanilla and chocolate ice cream mixed with salted caramel swirls and pieces of chocolate is competing against Trace Adkins flavor, “Maple Macadamia Mash Up.”  Which is Maple Syrup flavored ice cream with macadamia nut pieces.   Whoever sells the most pints of their ice cream will win the competition. If we were betting men, (Which we are) we would bet the farm on Penn.  Chocolate, Vanilla and Caramel are Ice Cream Naturals…not something that tastes like Hawaiian Pancakes.   Ew.  We also maintain that eating Adkins’ flavor might result in your becoming…impotent.  Not ‘Im-PO-Tent’. 

    BEN & JERRY LOOK OUT.  THERE’S A NEW ICE CREAM MAVEN IN TOWN

    9:43:17 A.M. -  Penn has brought sample pints of his ice cream with him, which Connell proceeds to devour, giving the flavor TWO thumbs up.  When offered to the I-Man, Penn is declined, as Mr. Imus would not approve of its ingestion.  Imus says that he might bring it home and try it as a ‘Blue Moon Treat’, which is the rare occasion when the ‘Joy Vampire’, Mrs. Imus, allows the Boss to have a taste of something that isn’t completely organic and vegan.  I-Man asks Carley, “How do I keep this cold to bring it home?”   Penn mutters:  “Keep it next to your heart.”   And you wonder why we think this guy is going to WIN IT ALL?

     VIDEO OF THE DAY

    We feel it’s time to take a respite from the usual comedic video clip, in favor of an ‘Impo’tant’ Public Service  Announcement about

    An All Too Common Male Sexual Dysfunction:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPfLBmS6myg