6:05:10 a.m. – Add to the list of ‘Things That Creep The I-Man Out’, ‘Rand Paul’s Hair’. Other things include, ‘The Dakota’, ‘Scary Movies’ and ‘His Own Reflection When He Gets Out Of The Shower.’
FORGET THE FACT THAT HE LOOKS LIKE CHRIS HANSEN IS WAITING FOR HIM IN HIS KITCHEN, RAND PAUL’S HEAD LOOKS LIKE A CHIA PET
6:06:12 a.m. – Legendary Folk Singer and Activist, Pete Seeger has died. He is the man who wrote ‘If I Had A Hammer’, ‘Turn Turn Turn’, and ‘Where Have All The Flowers Gone?’ Where have they gone? On top of his casket. If I had a hammer, I’d be sure to nail the lid down so Pete doesn’t somehow get out and write some more tedious songs.
ALL THIS PHOTO NEEDS IS A TEXT BALLOON OVER DYLAN’S HEAD:
“Get away from me, old man. I ain’t boycottin’ no lettuce!”
6:16:32 a.m. – The I-Man reminisces about some of his old co-workers from WFAN. Steve Levy, one of the update guys is now working for ESPN. Imus is happy to see him, however, he makes the observation: “There’s something wrong with his head…he looks like a Bullfrog.”
STEVE LEVY, RELAXING ON HIS LILY PAD
6:18:36 a.m. – Eddie Scozzare is another of the people the I-Man misses from WFAN. Eddie is a diabetic who has to wear an insulin pump. In the old days, the Boss would try to steal it from Eddie. Boy, it was just a regular Yuk Fest back then.
EDDIE ATTEMPTING TO MONITOR HIS BLOOD SUGAR
6:22:44 a.m. – Deirdre will be coming in on Thursday to share her SuperBowl Snack Recipes. When she’s finished, you’ll know why both their dogs eat their own feces.
“OH YEAH? WELL YOU EAT IT.”
6:27:15 a.m. – The I-Man can’t deal with the suspense any longer, and absolutely NEEDS to know if Rand Paul is wearing a wig. Imus assigns Tony the job of investigative reporter. Tony thinks there’s no way that Rand Paul is wearing a hairpiece. Just because a man’s haircare products include, a staplegun, Velcro, and Gorilla Glue instead of Vitalis doesn’t mean that he has a wig.
WIG SHMIG. THAT LOOKS PERFECTLY NATURAL
6:40:08 a.m. – Ed Henry, The Fox News White House Correspondent is on to discuss President Obama’s State of the Union Address tonight. Oh. And Rand Paul’s hair. This is rapidly becoming a ‘Theme Show’. We would like to know what Ed is doing to HIS hair.
ED HAS LUNCH IN THE WHITE HOUSE COMMISSARY
7:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man is upset with the relationship between Deirdre and Mike Lupica. Not the same way he’s upset with the relationship between Deirdre and the New York Knicks, but, he maintains that Lupy is HIS friend. Not hers. She monopolizes the phone conversation…so the I-Man just ‘Hangs Up’. What was she going on about with the diminutive author? His diet. Which he is reluctant to share with Mrs. Hank Snow, but we happen to know that Mike’s daily food regime includes “Small plates.” Petite Filets, Baby Corn, and Mini Marshmallows. Oh, yeah. And Shrimp.
MIKE’S LOVELY WIFE TAYLOR, SETS THE THANKSGIVING TABLE FOR HER LOVING HUSBAND
7:40:08 a.m. – Hollywood and Vine goes off swimmingly, in that Rob doesn’t suck and Reidel doesn’t sing too much, although, next week we’re considering serving wine during the segment, so that Imogen can have a glass to kill the bug she has stuck up her bum.
WE’D TELL HER TO ‘LIGHTEN UP’, BUT SHE ONLY WEIGHS 50 POUNDS
(SORRY, WE MEAN 3 STONE 8)
8:05:10 a.m. – There’s a discussion about the Super Bowl Media Day, and how Times Square has been turned into ‘Super Bowl Boulevard’, where, in addition to all the radio and television sports commentators, there will be a slew of new, ‘Decent Hookers’. What makes them Decent? (Other than taking American Express) Well, according to Dagen, they won’t have that bandaid on their inner thigh…will have most of their own teeth, and will be below 67 years of age. Which is the usual quality of hooker in Times Square the rest of the year.
MARTA AND GERTE…69 YEAR OLD TWIN HOOKERS FROM TIMES SQUARE (THE DOG IS EXTRA)
8:22:44 a.m. – Dagen talks about the fact that it’s nearly impossible to get a hotel room in the New York/New Jersey area. Even awful, crappy rooms like Motel 6 are going for 1000 bucks a night. And in Jersey…you don’t want to sleep on the bed, lest you awaken the roaches. There isn’t a ‘Sanitized’ paper strip across the toilet seat…it’s a Police Crime Scene tape. The carpets don’t have any designs on them…other than the chalk outlines.
THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE AT THE TURNPIKE MOTOR LODGE IN BAYONNE
ONLY 3500 DOLLARS A NIGHT
(COMES WITH A FREE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST…JUST NOT FROM THIS CONTINENT)
8:40:10 a.m. – Jenna Lee is in with Travis Mills, a true American Hero. Staff Sergeant Mills is a U.S. Army Ranger of the 82nd Airborne who lost both arms and both legs to an IED explosion in Afghanistan. He is, in a word, amazing. The Boss starts the interview by saying to Travis, ‘Tell me your story’. Travis begins… ‘Well, I was born in Michigan…’ We LOVE this guy. Especially when the I-Man tries to equate his bent pinkie finger (which he got in a horrible beer can pull top accident) with Mr. Mills prosthetic arms and legs. Mills says ‘I was going to ask you about that…but I wasn’t sure you were prepared to talk about it.’ Somebody needs to give this man his own radio program. Not that he needs one. He has his own movie, which is screening all over the country. You can request a screening in your town by clicking on this link:
STAFF SERGEANT MILLS AND HIS DAUGHTER, CHLOE
9:04:08 a.m. – All morning, the I-Man cannot get over the story about yet another Cruise Ship plagued with stomach virus…or the man who is interviewed, who was on the very same ship two year ago, and also dealt with a hideous stomach virus. The Boss is incredulous that the guy would ever try a cruise AGAIN. Maybe this guy enjoys playing shuffleboard with errant turds coughed up by the ship’s plumbing system.
“OH, LOOK, HONEY! THERE’S ‘POOP BINGO’ UP ON THE LIDO DECK!”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
IN HONOR OF RAND PAUL, WE OFFER THIS COMMERCIAL FROM THE 80’S FOR
‘HAIR CLUB FOR MEN’. NOT ONLY IS SY SPERLING THE HAIR CLUB FOR MEN PRESIDENT, BUT…HE’S ALSO A CLIENT. OF COURSE, RAND PAUL BELONGS TO THE
‘HAIR OF THE MONTH CLUB’
(AND WE THINK THAT MAY BE THE PRESIDENTIAL OFFICE HE’S CONSDIERING)