6:05:00 a.m. – Despite the fact that the I-Man says he “Could NOT be in a worse mood”, the week gets off to a gleeful start, as he virtually… damn near audibly, ‘Kvells’ (Yiddish for ‘An over-abundance of delight’) over Tiger’s performance at the U.S. Open. “When he got to 4 over par, I started rooting for 10 over…when he got to 10 over, I had a big old boner.” As Woods finished at THIR-FREAKING-TEEN OVER, Mrs. Imus must be a very happy woman this morning. We suspect she can’t wait for the British Open.
IF THE ‘WIDE WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS’ WAS STILL ON THE AIR…THIS WOULD BE THE CLIP THAT WOULD ACCOMPANY THE PHRASE ‘THE AGONY OF DEFEAT’ AH, SUCK IT UP, YA P*$$#!!!
6:10:17 a.m. – During Connell’s very fine news report, a clip of former Vice President Dick Cheney weighing in on the Edward Snowden deal is played, prompting Imus to make the observation: “He looks like the color of luggage.”
THIS IS BAGGAGE YOU WOULDN’T MIND LOSING
6:13:58 a.m. – Tiger attempts to explain his dismal showing at the U.S. Open: “I HIT THE BALL THE RIGHT DISTANCES, JUST NOT IN THE RIGHT AREAS.” Yeah, well, Tiger, see…that’s the whole point of the game. To get the ball in the right area. Anybody can hit it the right distance. The skill part of it is GETTING IT IN THE EFFING HOLE! That’s like A-Rod saying, “I swung the bat, I just didn’t get it to connect to the ball.” That’s like Kobe saying, “I bounced the ball off the backboard every time I shot…” You wouldn’t want to be on an airplane that ‘Went the right distance’ but didn’t ‘Land in the right spot.’
“MISSED IT…BY THAT MUCH!”
6:40:18 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on to talk about the NSA spying controversy. Bo has no problem with someone listening to his phone calls. We tend to agree…who could understand him anyway?
“WHAT THE HELL IS A ‘MUNCHATATION SITUATION’?”
7:05:58 a.m. – Warner saw Superman over the weekend, and has come to the conclusion that The Man of Steel, is Jewish. He maintains that the ‘S’ on the chest of the costume is a ‘Chai’, which is the Hebrew letter that means ‘Life’. Which means…if you’re on a train, and the bridge is out, and you are seconds away from hurtling into a ravine…if it’s after sundown on a Friday night…you’re basically…S.O.L.? And by SOL we don’t mean the Jewish man’s name. We mean ‘$#*^ OUT OF LUCK’.
7:11:24 a.m. – We are beginning to gather some evidence that would serve to shed some light on why the I-Man is in such foul humor. Somebody staying at the Ranch has parked their car in the middle of the road by the bunkhouse, and at 3 A.M., the Boss almost had an accident on his way to the studio…(despite the fact that he honked his horn, flashed his brights and gave the finger to the driverless vehicle.) As if that brush with death weren’t enough, we learn that the Internet is down in Reader’s Digest New Mexico…so there is no way for the Boss to send his nasty emails or snippy texts to the minions of the ‘I-Nation’. We don’t know if there’s enough money in the pool to continue paying Hughes Net of New Mexico to maintain the blackout, but…we enjoyed at least a blissful weekend of Cyber-Silence. We are, however, considering a ‘Kickstarter’ campaign to see if we can’t squeeze another few days out before we go on vacation.
ONE OF THESE GLOWING DOTS CONTAINS THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE: “MY THROAT HURTS…DO ANY OF YOU BASTARDS CARE?”
7:16:57 a.m. – Warner also goes on to say that he only went to see the movie was so he would be able to comment on it when Dagen, most certainly, would be doing a business story about it being the #1 Box Office Hit. He ‘Took a Hit’ for the program. Which means he sacrificed 2 ½ hours of his time…not take some blotter acid.
WARNER ‘TAKES A HIT’ FOR THE PROGRAM: (Artist’s Rendering)
“COME AWN…DON’T BOGART THAT JOINT!”
7:39:17 a.m. – Anthony Mason is on to discuss Bob Schieffer’s brilliant Sunday Morning Rant about the NSA. Imus asks Anthony if he has been following the Basketball Playoffs. Mr. Mason reveals he’s not a big fan …which comes as a shock to us, considering the fact that he played for the NBA for 14 years.
HE MIGHT NOT LOOK IT, BUT THIS GUY PROVES THAT
“WHITE MEN CAN JUMP”! *
7:49:11a.m. – The I-Man reveals that he received a Mont Blanc pen for Father’s Day. Um…didn’t he give two Mont Blancs to Deirdre for…Mother’s Day? Lucky for her he doesn’t remember. We haven’t seen such seamless ‘Regifting’ since we passed off that Fruitcake to Aunt Dodie last Christmas.
WITH THE INITIALS ‘D.I.’ ON IT, SHE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO GET IT RE-ENGRAVED
8:11:12 a.m. – “Doesn’t Lou Dobbs seem as though he’s had a head injury?” Bernie’s mentioning that Sarah Palin is returning to Fox, causes the I-Man to wax philosophical about various News Corp employees. He LOVES Neil Cavuto, Sean Hannity, Martha MacCallum and Megyn Kelly. Dobbs, however, is not an I-Fave, but not because he’s had more lifts than a Jiffy Lube. Because he’s a moron.
DOCILE…WOULDN’T HURT A FLY…HE DOES LOOK A LITTLE…SIMPLE, DOESN’T HE? EVEN ‘TOUCHED’, PERHAPS? WHATEVER THE CASE MAY BE, HE STILL DOESN’T THINK THAT THE U.S.A. SHOULD HAVE ALLOWED SUPERMAN TO TAKE UP RESIDENCY, AS…HE’S AN UNDOCUMENTED ALIEN
8:29:34 a.m. – During the briefing, the topic of ‘Ball Ironing’...a cosmetic surgery procedure that, essentially, undoes the wrinkles in a man’s scrotum. George Clooney, apparently, has revealed that he had the process performed on his nugget pouch. Imus surmises that it won’t be too long before WABC Radio’s Sales Manager, The Rev. Jonathan Mason, has one of these doctors on as a sponsor.
“THIS PORTION OF THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM, IS SPONSORED BY DR. MARK JENSEN, THE OFFICIAL ‘TACKLE TIGHTENER’ OF THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM. MENTION THE WORD ‘IMUS’ AND GET 25% OFF A ‘SACK SMOOTHING’”
8:40:17 A.M. - Geri Willis is on to talk about the G8 Summit, but that isn’t what interests the I-Man. He is more obsessed with what is, clearly, some major tension with her and Dagen. Dagen has gone on record this morning, saying that she was looking forward to Ms. Willis’ appearance almost as much as she would the return of Real Housewife, (And Bona Fide B-Word) Bethenny Frankel. An actual question from the interview, to illustrate he cares nothing about the topic, and only wants to fan the flames of resentment between the two co-workers: “So…the G-8 is…us and seven other countries, right?” Yes. 7 plus 1? That would make 8. “So like…the 3 Stooges…that would be…Moe and two other guys?” Boy, nothing gets past the I-Man.
C’MON, THERE’S NO ANIMOSITY BETWEEN THESE TWO LADIES!
* Ordinarily, we wouldn’t feel the need to explain, but for those of you who are not New York Knicks fans would not get the Anthony Mason reference…there are TWO famous people with that name. One is an African American Basketball Player, the Other, a Prize Winning Journalist. Neither of them are great interviews.
ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF TWO FAMOUS PEOPLE WITH THE SAME NAME
VIDEO OF THE DAY
IN LIGHT OF ‘MAN OF STEEL’ PULLING IN 125 MILLION AT THE BOX OFFICE THIS WEEKEND, AND WARNER’S SACRIFICING TWO AND A HALF HOURS OF HIS LIFE FOR THIS PROGRAM, (WHICH, CONSIDERING HOW HE REALLY DOESN’T HAVE THAT MANY HOURS LEFT, IS QUITE A SACRIFICE) WE OFFER ONE OF SUPERMAN’S BETTER MOMENTS
(WHICH, OBVIOUSLY, DID NOT HAPPEN ON A FRIDAY NIGHT)