6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man begins the morning irritated with Tony’s ‘Stupid’ ‘Vinnie From Queens’ question. It’s probably Rob’s fault. They realize he’s not happy with them, and, in the interests of the program, set out to find him some other comedians he can hire…who won’t start irritating him until their second week.
A NEW PROSPECT FOR OUR REPLACEMENT
6:35:07 a.m. – Stuart Varney and the I-Man get into a debate about Global Warming. Varney doesn’t buy the signs behind it. He points out that only 98% of Scientists believe it’s real. Apparently, Varney likes his Environmental Philosophy the way he likes his milk: 2%. Which is ironic, especially considering that it’s the methane from Dairy Cow Farts that causes most of the damage to the Ozone Layer
A CONTROVERSIAL SOLUTION TO GLOBAL WARMING
6:40:46 a.m. – Stuart points out that there are actually, little known BENEFITS of Global Warming…such as the production of higher crop yields…due to increasing temperatures…then there’s always the massive flooding, which allows EVERYBODY to have a pool.
A COUPLE TAKE A FRIENDLY DIP IN THE DRIVEWAY WITH THE NEIGHBORS
7:05:10 a.m. – Connell reports a story about the sentencing of the woman who murdered her husband with the heel of her shoe. Dagen points out that “It wasn’t a particularly sharp heel, so she really had to put some force behind it.” Interestingly enough, ‘Shoe Murder’ doesn’t exist in the Lesbian Community because Birkenstocks don’t have heels.
SISTERS OF SAPPHO: YOU ARE SAFE. (BUT SHAVE THEM LEGS, BABY)
7:39:34 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting…the most wrongly named segment on Television. The panel’s first topic is ‘The Rock n’ Roll’ Hall of Fame inductees, where Dagen is quite dismissive of ‘Kiss’, while Deirdre says she was actually intrigued by them…she dug the Platform Shoes, the Kabuki Makeup, The Big Ass Boots…The Giant Tongue… Ahem.
17 YEAR OLD DEIRDRE COLEMAN WITH THE BAND…SHE PROVIDED THEM WITH THEIR ORGANIC BACKSTAGE RIDER
7:41:34 a.m. – The topic then switches to ‘Global Warming’. Deirdre and Alan Colmes actually AGREE. And if THAT isn’t one of the four signs of the Impending Apocalypse…no WONDER the planet’s getting hot…
“YOU STILL THINK THIS SH**’S NOT REAL, MOTHER F**KER? I CAN’T TREAD WATER ALL THAT F**KING LONG!”
7:47:34 a.m. – Then, the panel debates California’s proposed Bill to end the Killer Whale Shows at SeaWorld…and Alan steps up and says he is “Against the use of animals for entertainment…” Deirdre then asks him if he eats meat. So much for their brief alliance. Alan admits that he, indeed, DOES eat meat…but not for entertainment purposes…as they usually serve dinner AFTER the singer is finished.
ALAN PREPARES TO MISTREAT HIS LUNCH
8:05:10 a.m. – Imus plays a clip of the MLB Network’s Christopher ‘Mad Dog’ Russo’s rant on Baseball Executive’s proposal to shorten games to 7 innings. It’s understandable, as it usually takes Russo at least 9 innings to articulate a coherent thought. He screams for the return of the ‘Twi-Night Double Header’…we don’t have the heart to tell him that’s not Back to Back Games played by Vampires. (And when they win and dump a cooler, filled with blood, on the coach…)
‘BELA NOSFERATU’, FIRST BASEMAN FOR THE YUGOSLAVIAN NECROMANCERS
(YOU SHOULD SEE THE BAT BOY)
8:17:24 a.m. – The I-Man weighs in on the Male Strippers performing at the Nursing Home on Long Island, giving lap dances to an 87 year old Alzheimer’s patient. There’s a lawsuit involved, wherein the son of the old lady in question maintains that his mother’s mental capacity was diminished to the point that she could not express her wish to decline the lapdance. Meanwhile, she was stuffing her Social Security Check instead of a single down the front of his Speedo, shouting, ‘Kielbasa for dinner, tonight!’
FIRST, SHE TRIED SWIPING HER MEDICAID CARD IN HIS CRACK
8:36:14 a.m. – All Star Attorney Joe Tacopina is on to discuss the Pistorius case…and we learn that Joe, even though he believes Oscar is guilty, maintains that he could easily mount a defense for him. Tacopina’s ‘Tack’? Pistorius wouldn’t be able to chase the assumed intruder out of the house, and, being vertically-challenged, he would have had to shoot all over the the door to hit the target.
TACOPINA: “THE GROUPING SUGGESTS THAT, IF HE HAD ACTUALLY FIRED THESE SHOTS, THE ONES AT THE TOP OF THE DOOR WOULD REQUIRE THE USE OF A SCOPE”
8:48:14 a.m. – We interview Mr. Tacopina back in the Green Room. I-Man has Tony ask Joe if he felt like he had to take a shower after representing Alex Rodriguez. We learn that A-Rod has ‘excellent grooming habits’…Tacopina mistaking the question as an inquiry as to Mr. Rodriguez’ showering schedule. We are sure both of them are very hygienic…which prompts Rob to drop trou and offer his butt to Joe for a shot of HGH. Instead, he gets a brief, though tender, Gluteal Massage. So full, so round, so firmly packed.
9:17:34 a.m. – Warner reports a story about Arnold Palmer on the Golf Course, pulling down his pants and pinching one off on the green. Must’ve been too many of those Iced Tea/Lemonades. We are shocked that ol’ Arnie ‘Left a Bogey’ on the course, we expect that kind of behavior from Jack Nicklaus. But at least ‘The Bear’ sh**s in the woods. Of course…because he’s a ‘Pooh Bear’.
YES, THEY DO #2 IN THE WOODS…BUT WHEN THEY HAVE TO TINKLE…
VIDEO OF THE DAY :
COWS ARE NOT THE ONLY ANIMAL POSING A THREAT TO THE ENVIRONMENT