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Deirdre's Corner

Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Psychos segments on Thursdays at 7:35am and Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning! 

Deirdre's Big Game Day Dish Picks! It's cold outside so a combination of healthy comfort foods with healthy salads will keep you feeling good! 

Mosquito expert: Washington downplaying Zika virus threat to US - As the number of birth defects linked to a mosquito-borne virus surpasses 4,000 in Brazil, and scientists scramble to create a vaccine to protect against the untreatable disease, public health officials are bracing themselves for a potential outbreak in the U.S.

Laundry detergents causing mass poisoning of American children - stop buying toxic chemicals - The convenient single-use laundry packets that people toss in their clothes washer are posing serious health risks to young children who tend to mistake the colorful, clear pouches--commonly referred to as "pods" as popularized by the Tides Pods brand--as candy or toys.

Bowing to pressure, FDA to reform painkiller approval process - Bowing to pressure from lawmakers, Dr. Robert Califf, President Barack Obama's nominee to lead the Food and Drug Administration, said on Thursday the agency would reform its process for approving opioid painkillers.

Deirdre's Book Pick Of The Week

 

The Happy Vegan: A Guide to Living a Long, Healthy, and Successful Life - Master entrepreneur, original hip-hop mogul, and three-time New York Times bestselling author Russell Simmons offers an inspiring guide to the benefits of conscious eating and veganism


    Support The Deirdre Imus Environmental Health Center

The Deirdre Imus Environmental Health Center® is devoted to the health and well-being of children, their parents and the general public. Donations to the Environmental Health Center will support research on children's environmental health.

 

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The Imus Ranch Foundation

With the closing of The Imus Ranch For Kids with Cancer, The Imus Ranch Foundation was formed to donate 100% of all donations previously devoted to The Imus Ranch for Kids with Cancer to various other charities whose work and missions compliment those of the ranch. The initial donation from The Imus Ranch Foundation was awarded to Tackle Kids Cancer, a program of The HackensackUMC Foundation and the New York Giants.  In addition, once the Imus Ranch for Kids with Cancer is sold, 100% of those funds will be contributed to The Imus Ranch Foundation.

Warner's Sports Corner

Resurgent Kobe Bryant leads Lakers past Pelicans, 99-96 - Bryant had 27 points and 12 rebounds, hitting three pivotal 3-pointers in the final 6:05, and the Los Angeles Lakers won their second straight, 99-96 over the New Orleans Pelicans on Thursday night.
Brewer, Ariza lead Rockets past Suns 111-105 - Corey Brewer scored a season high 24 points and Trevor Ariza 22 to lead the Rockets, who scored 38 points off 24 turnovers by Phoenix in a 111-105 victory over the Suns on Thursday night. Brewer made 9 of 12 shots and had four of his team's 16 steals.
BMX legend Mirra dead of suicide - Dave Mirra, one of the most successful BMX athletes in history, was found dead of an apparent suicide on Thursday, said Greenville (NC) Police.
Dana White: Ronda Rousey 'probably' returns in Nov. to face Holm-Tate winner
Details of Johnny Manziel incident released; police say case closed - Quarterback Johnny Manziel allegedly struck his ex-girlfriend several times during an incident at the Hotel ZaZa in downtown Dallas early Saturday morning, according to a Fort Worth police report released Thursday.
Recent Guests:
    Wednesday
    Nov192014

    We Like Big Butts and We Cannot Lie

    6:05:10 a.m. –    The I-Man wants to know where the Keystone XL Pipeline got its name.  Ashley Webster attempts to answer the query, and then, Dagen steps in to Bitch Slap the Brit, correcting him on one or two of the more minor points.  She’s nothing if not a stickler for accuracy.  Ashley smiles benignly, while, behind his eyes, you can clearly see that he’s thinking about going all ‘Bunker Hill on the Hillbilly’s Ass’. 

    “ALLRIGHT, CHAPS!  DON’T SHOOT ‘TIL YOU SEE THE WHITES OF HER EYES!”

    6:07:14 a.m. – Imus relates that the folks on ‘The Five’ had Rob O’Neill as a guest, and Eric Bolling asked the former Navy Seal who assassinated Bin Laden, “Did you kill any other people?”   “Um…yes.” Answers the American Hero.  The question is like asking a baker… “Did you ever bake another loaf of bread?”   YES, he’s killed other people, you moron.  And he’s about to kill one more for asking stupid questions.

    “WHAT DID YOU JUST ASK ME, BOLLING?  DO YOU WANT ME TO CRUSH YOUR ADAM’S APPLE WITH MY THUMB?”

    6:14:36 a.m. – Bret Stephens is on to promote his new book, America in Retreat: The New Isolationism and the Coming Global Disorder.   The I-Man weighs the options… “Get Waterboarded…or read the book?”    We decided we’ll just wait for the movie.  We’re pretty positive Matthew McConnaughey will be in it.

     ALRIGHT , ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT,  IT LOOKS TO US AS IF MATTHEW HAS MORE THAN JUST A “GLOBAL” DISORDER

    6:38:08 a.m. –  Mike Baker is on, we assume, to scare the living s#@t out of everybody.  He discusses Al Qaeda, ISIS, KAOS, SPECTRE, THRUSH and every other evil organization out to destroy the world. However, he fails to frighten us, as we are secure in the knowledge that, as long as he is near, and has a piano wire, all is well in the Free World.  The only way to deal with terrorists, is to sacrifice the ‘Middle C’ on your piano keyboard.

    FROM BAKER’S FIRST BOOK: ‘TECHNIQUES FOR BLOODLESS SANCTIONS’

    7:05:10 a.m. –  Connell reports the story about 70% of the New Yorkers surveyed who said they approve of the new, much more lenient, Police Policy regarding Marijuana Possession in New York.  Which prompts the I-Man to observe, “If you’re going to do drugs…show some guts!   People who smoke Marijuana are…idiots.”   Actually, they’re ‘Dopes’.  Which is why they call it that in the first place.  You smoke Reefer to get ‘Dopey’.

    DOPEY SMOKE DOPE.  BEFORE HE DID, HE WAS ‘GRUMPY’

    “M.I.C…um…M…I…see…I see little tiny galaxies under my fingernails…uh… DAMN!  THIS  IS SOME ILL CHRONIC, YO!”

    WHAT DO YOU THINK MADE HIM ‘GOOFY’ IN THE FIRST PLACE?

    7:32:10 a.m. –  BLONDE ON BLONDE    Deirdre shows her unnecessarily enhanced butt.   She’s used some Hiney Pads to accent the gluteal region, to which Connell calls her, “Mark Levin in Spanx”.  Deirdre’s convinced Lis to do the same thing…oh.  Sorry.  No she didn’t.  That’s Lis’ real booty.  Damn, girl!  You could make Kim Kardashian jealous.

    WE LIKE BIG BUTTS AND WE CANNOT LIE…   LIS WIEHL GOT BACK!

    7:41:24 a.m. – The subjects are varied: The new definition of ‘Feminism’, students not eating the new ‘Healthy’ Lunches…and a Fresno State Student having sex with a sheep.  {We assume Lanolin makes for superior lubrication.)  Lis takes the bleeding heart, Namby-Pamby position on all the topics…while Deirdre says it’s all Obama’s fault for everything.  Even the sex with the sheep thing.  Because Obamacare would cover the Animal Rapist’s STDs, but not the Pre-Natal OB/GYN visits for the sheep.

    CLEARLY, THIS WASN’T THE SHEEP’S ‘FIRST TIME AROUND THE BARN’

    8:06:32 a.m. – Happy Birthday to Dick Cavett!  Richard is 77 today, but has the mind of a 76 year old.  He is the most brilliant man we know.  And we would send him a card, but we are just afraid that he would send it back, correcting the spelling and grammar…AND list of Anagrams he made out of the words ‘Happy Birthday Mr. Cavett (The BEST of which, is ‘Vibrated Crappy Hat Myth’.  As Tallulah Bankhead would say, “Congratulations, Dear Boy…may you live forever…and so you shall…”

    IF YOU DON’T THINK THIS MAN ISN’T THE SMARTEST, FUNNIEST, MOST LOVABLE MAN ON THE PLANET…THEN YOU DON’T KNOW DICK.

    8:27:54  a.m. –  Bernie has a story about a New Jersey Cop who, when he pulls cars over, approaches the vehicle with…his ‘Nightstick’ hanging out.  He then asks the drivers if they notice that his fly was down.  We believe this behavior would  be a felony, if it weren’t for the size of the Officer’s weiner,  which, essentially, makes it a ‘Misdemeanor’.    

    OFFICER ‘DICK JOHNSON’ MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT USING A MAGNIFYING GLASS TO HELP HIM FIND ‘IT’

    8:38:14 a.m. –  Bret Stephens is on to promote his new book, the title of which, we forgot, but it’s long, and if you want to know, scroll up, we’re too tired to do it ourselves.  Whatever.  Besides, you know you’re not gonna read it anyway.  You should be concerned, as we are, that the man spells his first name with only ONE ‘T’…and his last name with the ‘Non-Heterosexual PH’, instead of the preferred, ‘He-Man V’.  Imus asks him what the difference is between ISIS and Al Qaeda.  Mr. Stephens says that “Al Qaeda is the ‘Gateway Drug’ to ISIS.”  So all you parents with terrorist children, take note.  You need to have a discussion with them about taking their radical philosophy to extremes.  It’s a slippery slope.  One minute, they’re planning a nice little Jihad against the ‘Great Satan’, next thing you know, they’re trying to take over the Entire Middle East.  Plan more ‘Family Time’…have dinner together…be interested in what they are doing pay attention to the music they listen to, and decide whether or not it’s appropriate.  If they have ‘Run T.N.T.’ or ‘Mama Said Blow You Up’ on their iPod, you might have a problem.  You should monitor their online time and usage of ‘Social Media’…encourage them to participate in ‘Intramural Terrorism.’   A few minutes today, might save you hours of worldwide destruction of your own terrorist organization.

    AWWW…THOSE ASSASSINS ARE SO CUTE WHEN THEY’RE LITTLE…IT’S SO TRUE: ‘THEY BLOW UP SO FAST’

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

     AS AN EXAMPLE FOR WHY YOU SHOULDN’T SMOKE WEED, BECAUSE IT’S A ‘GATEWAY’ DRUG, WE PRESENT SOUTH PARK’S  ‘TOWELIE’, AND HIS ROAD TO REHAB

    DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!!!

     

    (BTW…We think it’s somewhat ironic, that, when you used to smoke  dope in your dorm room, you would put a rolled up towel under your door…which, technically, makes you a ‘pusher’)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSEkfqlDilU

    Tuesday
    Nov182014

    Smokin Hot Doc

    6:03:06 a.m. –    “A kid at the Roping this past weekend asked me if I was Dwight Yoakum.” An amused Imus tells us just before the program begins.  The question is…who should be more offended?  Him?  Or Dwight Yoakum.

    UM…WAS THIS KID…BLIND?

    6:05:10 a.m. –    It’s Wes Bowmaster’s birthday!  Who is Wes Bowmaster you ask?  He’s one of the Real Cowboys out at the Imus Ranch for Kids With Cancer.  And, according to the I-Man, he’s 92.  (He’s actually 56…but it Ranch Years, he’s 92)

    WE KID YOU NOT, WHEN YOU GOOGLE ‘WES BOWMASTER’, THESE ARE AMONG THE IMAGES YOU WILL FIND.  WE’RE NOT SURE WHICH ONE IS THE REAL WES, BUT WE PRAY TO JESUS IT’S NOT THE GUY IN THE DIAPER

    6:11:22 a.m. – The I-Man went to have his ‘Stent’ removed yesterday, that was placed, much like a catheter, into his junk, to expedite the passage of his Kidney Stone.  Apparently, his Urologist, Dr. Joseph Del Pizzo, is, in Imus’ words, “Startlingly Handsome.”   Does wearing those Chinese Bicycle Shorts make you turn gay?  (Not that there’s anything wrong with that…unless you’re going to ride the bicycle without a seat)  We’re just not so sure you should be calling the man who has his hands on your penis…handsome.  Or, for that matter, making eye contact with him.  (“I thought we had a moment there…)

    DR. DEL PIZZO.  SMOKIN’ HOT.  ACCORDING TO DAGEN.  AND THE I-MAN

    6:12:24 a.m. – The procedure of the stent removal involved a needle injection…into ‘Big Roy’.  I-Man’s junk.  The nurse comes in with the syringe… “You’re not gonna stick that in Big Roy, are ya?” he asks, pointing to his penis.   “That?” she muses.  “That’s not Big Roy.”   What was she implying?  That it was “Big Roy’s” little brother?

    “YOU MIGHT FEEL A ‘LITTLE PRICK’…WHICH I’M SURE YOUR WIFE IS USED TO BY NOW.”

    6:38:08 a.m. – The I-Man and Father Jonathan Morris discuss ‘Prosperity’ and The Lord, ironic, as Father Jonathan believes Imus’ prosperity is the ‘Work of the Devil’.  Back in the Green Room, he asks us if we’ve “Seen the contract”.    The Boss refers to Joel Osteen’s tenet that you should never give up on your dream.    Father Jonathan agrees, as his dream obviously is to wear a 15 dollar haircut.  Imus suggests a Kickstarter Campaign to help the Padre get enough dough to, at least, go  to ‘Supercuts’

    APPARENTLY, ALL RELIGIOUS FIGURES ARE REQUIRED TO HAVE S#*TTY HAIRCUTS

    7:05:10 a.m. –  Dagen reports a story about a Starbucks Boycott that Neil Young is calling for, over the coffee company’s role in a lawsuit agains Vermont over its requirements to label genetically modified ingredients in food.  Dagen calls the Rock Legend… ‘An old fool’   The I-Man is offended by that comment, even though he gets a 5 dollar residual everytime somebody uses the term, as it was trademarked for him a number of years ago  .    

    OLD FOOL TM

    7:13:26 a.m. –  The I-Man calls us ‘Haters’ because we are less than complimentary to Dice Clay, who, Imus has dubbed ‘Brilliant’.  He maintains that we don’t like anybody who we think is funnier than we are.  Which is a blatant untruth, as we are BIG fans of Jay Mohr, Colin Quinn, Larry the Cable Guy, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Dave Chappelle, and ANY of the comics we feature on the ‘Video of the Day’.  We have no problem with liking people we think are funny.  And we don’t discriminate…we like people who are NOT funny.  We love you, Imus.

    THIS IS WHY IMUS THINKS DICE IS BRILLIANT.  HE INVENTED THE ‘SHANTS’…SHORTS THAT ARE AS LONG AS PANTS.  LOOKIN’ GOOD, DICE, LOOKIN’ GOOD.  EVEN ROB WOULDN’T WEAR THAT.  AND HE DRESSES LIKE A HOMELESS IMMIGRANT

    7:32:10 a.m. –  HOLLYWOOD & VINE  Featuring, Deirdre, Dagen, Reidel and Powell.  Dagen is lookin’ good in that purple dress.  Good thing Reidel didn’t wear his this morning.  Tony wishes Reidel a ‘Happy Movember’…as he thought Reidel would’ve grown a beard…although it might be redundant.

    REIDEL SPORTING ONE OF HIS ‘BEARDS’

    8:06:32 a.m. –  The I-Man goes to Ashley Webster…who has…nothin’.   He admits his lack of having anything significant or relevant to report.  So Imus asks him about living in Nashville for 10 years, where he was a News Anchor, and STILL roots for the Titans.  As we said…nothing significant or relevant to report.  Just sit there and say dirty things with that British Accent, in low tones, while Dagen conjures you in her ‘Bubble’, Ashley.  

    “DO YOU WANT ME TO ‘BEND YOU LIKE BECKHAM, DAGEN?”

    8:38:14 a.m. –  Mary Matalin is on.  And she’s sober.  Imus complains that Mary’s Phone sounds like it was one of those Sports Illustrated Football Phones, and she says it’s her iPhone 6.  “Maybe it’s just too big for my little mouth”.  That’s what she said.  And something that the I-Man has never heard said to him.

    SHE’S RIGHT.  THAT’S DEFINITELY TOO BIG FOR HER LITTLE MOUTH

    8:46:00 a.m. – Imus asks Mary if James, her husband, (Carville, that is) will be “Stuffing that Turkey in that ‘special’ way.”  Mary doesn’t get the joke.  She thinks he’s talking about a ‘Turducken’.   Which is a turkey stuffed with a duck, stuffed with a chicken.  And what you might want to call what Deirdre will make for Thanksgiving.  A ‘Tofurkey’…which, from what we hear, tastes like…a turd.

    A TURDUCKEN.  NOW WE KNOW WHY DEIRDRE IS A VEGAN.  JEEEZIS.  IT LOOKS LIKE ROADKILL THAT CAME BACK TO LIFE

    8:54:00 a.m. – Dr. Bill says the weather is going to be COOOOOOOOLLLLLD tonight.   He suggests that the I-Man “Bring the cactus in from the terrace.”   Imus says that “(He) has people to do that.”   He also has people to ‘Bring in The Firewood’, people to ‘Push the Button on the Elevator’, and people to ‘Wipe the Yogurt Off His Chin’.   It’s good to be the King.  And, rather fortuitous for the Boss that, there will also be ‘People’ to do that for him when Deirdre and Wyatt finally stick him in the Nursing Home.  We know, she says she’s not going to do that.  But she also told her parents:  “He’s just a friend, it’s not like I’m going to marry him…”

    “HEY!  WIPER DUDE!  MOUTH!  SHIRT!  C’MON!  LET’S GET BUSY HERE!”

    9:05:10 a.m. – Coincidentally, the Boss relates that he got water on his shirt, and reveals that he seems to have a problem with food getting on him.  Just yesterday, he took off his jacket to find a “Glob of Yogurt” on his shirt.   Um…didn’t you visit the “Smokin’ Hot Dr. Del Pizzo” yesterday?  So…are you SURE it’s just yogurt?

    YOGURT IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG.  THE I-MAN SPILLS SO MUCH COFFEE ON HIMSELF, CARLEY COULD SAVE HERSELF A TRIP TO STARBUCKS AND JUST SQUEEZE THE CONTENTS OF HIS SHIRT BACK INTO THE CUP

    9:16:32 a.m. –  Warner is talking about Robert Griffin III, but has a problem saying ‘RG3’.   Instead, it comes out like “MGD”  which is Miller Genuine Draft, which may be what Warner’s drinking in between Sportscasts.  Before you know it, RG3 will be “R2D2”.

    “HEY, R2!  GO LONG!  TO A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY!

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    ANOTHER COMEDIAN WE LIKE

    BRIAN REGAN

     WITH A BIT ABOUT A TRIP TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM

    WHERE, WE HOPE, THERE WASN’T A HANDSOME DOCTOR WAITING FOR HIM.

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cP4zgb9H3Cg 

    Monday
    Nov172014

    Can't Hear

    6:05:10 a.m. –    “My hearing aids went out over the weekend.   And it was one of the best weekends of my life, because I couldn’t hear those two crazy`people I live with bitchin’ at me.”  Unfortunately, for Deirdre and Wyatt, their hearing is fine.  So they had to listen to miles and miles of stories of him hanging off a Boxcar when he used to work for the railroad. 

    “WHAT?  WHAT?  ‘MORE A  DOOR ON?’  WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?”

    6:04:14 a.m. – Rob and the I-Man discuss fashion.  “Is that a new shirt?” the Boss asks.  “Yes.”   “Why?”   “Um…it’s flannel and it’s cold outside?  It’s stylish?  It’s slimming?  Okay, it’s flannel and it’s cold outside?”

    WOW.  THAT FLANNEL REALLY IS SLIMMING.  NO WONDER LESBIANS WEAR IT ALL THE TIME

    6:14:08 a.m. –  The I-Man has to have his stent removed.  Where’s the stent?  You don’t want to know.  How are they doing to take it out?   You don’t want to know that either.  We’ll just tell you this:  It involves ‘Big Roy’…and some brisk pulling.  And not the kind of pulling ‘Big Roy’ is used to.  Suffice to say, with the stint out, ‘Big Roy’ sounded much like a slide whistle.

    ‘BIG ROY’ PLAYS A SOLO

    6:20:40 a.m. – Imus reveals that Brant and the Fox Security Guard walk him to the studio from the limo, and, in the rain, they use umbrellas…to cover themselves.  Not him.  Which is risky, especially when you consider what water did to the Wicked Witch of the West.

    SAME FATE.  SAME STUPID HAT.

    6:40:44a.m. – Bo ‘The Truth’ Dietl, (As now this is how he wants to be known…we don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s also the nickname of a boxer, Carl, ‘The Truth’ Williams. Never heard of him?  Exactly.)  He is railing about Obamacare, full on, head exploding, pontificating, ranting and raving…which, now that he’s been satirized by Stephen Colbert…he will do every Monday in hopes that he becomes a regular feature on the Colbert Report.  Where, he must believe, that he will eventually make guest appearances, where, no doubt, he will be reserved, respectful, and articulate.  We also are thinking about Health Care, as we are concerned that Bo is about two more Obama references before one of his valves bursts through his chest like the thing in Alien.  He waxes poetic, saying that ‘The Roosters have come home to Roost.’    Um…don’t you mean the ‘Chickens have come home to roost?’  You know, as articulated by Malcolm X?  Or does your deal with Arby’s preclude you from mentioning ‘chicken’ due to a conflict of interest with ‘Popeye’s’.

    SOMEBODY MUST’VE JUST SAID:  ‘YOU CAN KEEP YOUR OWN DOCTOR’

    7:03:10 a.m. –  Imus tells us that Dagen takes her dog, Ramon, for a one hour walk, twice a day.  Surely a dog that weighs only 13 pounds doesn’t have enough pee or poop to warrant TWO hours outside.  Seems like a waste of time to us, no matter how sluggish his peristalsis might be, as seeing as how living on the 53rd Floor of her Apartment building, all Dagen has to do is hang him out the window on  a leash.  Oh…he’ll go.  And quick.

    RAMON:  “PLEASE, MAMA, NOT OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN!  I’LL REMEMBER TO PUT THE SEAT DOWN ON THE TOILET, I PROMISE!”

    7:08:16 a.m. – Remarking that Joel Osteen’s message is ‘Never Give Up Your Dream’, the I-Man makes a reference to MyPillow inventor, Michael Lindell, who persisted and persevered, even when people told him his was crazy to think about selling a revolutionary concept in pillows.  Um…Boss?  We’re all about pursuing dreams, but…Michael Lindell was a Crackhead.  They tend to be just a tad…obsessive.  They don’t give up on ANYTHING.  We saw a crackhead trying to sell Betamax tapes on the street the other day to get money to buy some rock.    If that’s not a real ‘Go-Getter’, we don’t know what is.  Other than the fact that you couldn’t trust him with the money, he could be a Captain of Industry.

    DAVE CHAPPELLE AS ‘TYRONE BIGGUMS’.  ANOTHER  MAN WHO NEVER GAVE UP ON HIS DREAM

    7:41:24 a.m. MIGHT BE ELVIS  In this edition, Bernie picked all the songs…which means Imus has given up all hope on the segment.  The Falafel guy outside could probably pick 6 better tunes.  The only one to get through is AC/DC’s  ‘It’s a Long Way to the Top’ off their first album.  Although, to be fair, we think Biz Markie should have also made it with…. “Oh baby youuuuuuu….you got what I need….but you say you got your friend…but you say you got your friend.”     Because it’s the only pop song we know of that is about a woman abstaining from sex because she has her…what?  It’s not about a period?  The lyrics are … “But you say HE’S just a friend?”  Oh.  Never mind.

    BIZ.  SHE’S JUST A FRIEND.  WITH ‘BENEFITS’.  YOU KNOW, LIKE HEALTH CARE AND A 401 K.

    8:06:32 a.m. –  The Boss says that he “Drove about two hundred miles in Texas.”  To which Connell adds:  “Without being able to see, or hear.”   I-Man reveals that he almost hit another woman’s truck, as she made a left turn in front of him from the right lane, causing Wyatt and Deirdre to claim that he nearly killed them.  Which is ironic, because, most of the time, when Deirdre is driving, it’s when Imus is outside the car…crossing the street, and she ‘Nearly’ hits him…but doesn’t want to ruin the paintjob on the Rolls.

    “SORRY, HONEY, I DIDN’T SEE YOU…AGAIN.”

    8:06:12a.m. –  “The I-Man giveth and the I-Man taketh away.”  First the ‘Taketh’.   Imus is not interested in things not working on the Net Jet, as on his most recent trip, the bathroom handle on the Citation 10 came off.  Which meant that you could get into the toilet…but perhaps not get out.  We find the whole situation odd, as the Boss doesn’t always get up TO go to the bathroom.  We don’t know why he wouldn’t be able to get out…Deirdre and Wyatt were both with…oh.  Never Mind.  

    “DAMMIT DEIRDRE…WYATT!  OPEN THIS F#@KING DOOR!”

    8:08:16a.m. –  Now the ‘Giveth’.  The I-Man gives props to Tommy Morrison, who is building the roping arena at the Ranch in Brenham.  We are impressed by this work.  We thought Tommy Morrison died shortly after making ‘Rocky 5’.   Nice to know he had a career after boxing.  And that he was the first to put Wheelchair access to a rodeo arena and oxygen breathing stations in the stands.  What?  Not THAT Tommy Morrison?  Oh.  Never mind.

    WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?  HE’S IN BRENHAM, TEXAS BUILDING QUALITY ROPING ARENAS

    8:12:24 a.m. –  Ashley Webster reports that a recent auction for Napoleon Bonaparte’s hat was purchased for 2.4 Million dollars by a Korean Businessman.  Which means that it probably fit.

    ‘KOREAN BUSINESSMAN’ MR. LOO-PI-KA

    8:38:00 a.m. –  On to discuss Rob O’Neill’s speaking openly about his assassinating Osama Bin Laden, Leif Babin, our favorite SEAL, (Which, due to an agreement we made with Mr. Babin, we are contractually obligated to say) is conflicted.  On one hand, he deeply respects keeping the Nation’s secrets…secret.  Which is why he was upset with the Administration’s release of the details of the raid.  However, he also recognizes the importance of giving closure to the families of 911.  We think he’s being particularly cagey.  It’s our position that it was Leif Babin who pulled the trigger.   He took a ‘Long Weekend’ vacation the week of May 2nd, 2011, and he SAYS he went to Mohegan Sun.  We’re not buying it.  The fact that he claims he ‘Purchased the Dirty Turban in the Casino Gift Shop’ seems somewhat suspicious to us. 

     

    BIN LADEN ON KARAOKE NIGHT AT THE ABBOTTABAD HOLIDAY INN, JUST BEFORE GOING BACK TO THE COMPOUND TO ‘WATCH FRIENDS AND TURN IN EARLY’  ON MAY 2ND, 2011

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    DAVE CHAPPELLE AS HIS ADORABLE CRACKHEAD CHARACTER, ‘TYRONE BIGGUMS’, IN THE CLASSIC SKETCH

    ‘FEAR FACTOR’

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3m9006YtWBQ 

    Friday
    Nov142014

    The I-Man Sees Everything

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man lost his other pair of glasses, and has not seen them for some time.  He offered the Housekeeper 100 dollars if she found them.  He said that they were probably in the breast pocket of one of his jackets.  And so the woman searched all 600 of them hanging in the closet.  No spectacles.  He then reaches into the sports jacket he is wearing this morning and… voila!  The glasses!  So he gave himself the 100 bucks.  He’s very good to himself.  In fact, he frequently makes love to himself…sometimes more than 5 or 6 times a day.  Hence the need for the glasses.

     

    THE I-MAN SEES ALL

    6:07:14 a.m. – The Boss is “…rockin’ some BIG hair this morning.”  He’s not kidding.  We haven’t seen a ‘do like that since Dusty Springfield died.

    “I ONLY WANT TO BE WITH YOU…”

       ACTUALLY, IT’S ONLY THIS BAD.  THAT’S IMUS ON THE LEFT.   THE GUY ON THE  TWENTY IS ON THE RIGHT

    6:23:36 a.m. – The I-Man has come up with a new segment for Vinnie From Queens:  “Who’s The Bigger Douche?”.  Fran Wood immediately emails the Boss, imploring him to use another word than ‘Douche’, as it offends her.  Substitutes are suggested:  ‘Douchenozzle’,  ‘Pant Mint’, ‘Pantload’… “How about scumbag?”  Who offered that one?  WARNER WOLF?????   WARNER?  What have they DONE to you???

    WARNER WOLF, O.B.D. :  “OLD DIRTY BASTARD”

    6:38:08 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS:  Who’s the bigger douche, Nick Saban or Les Miles?  (Actually, it should be FEWER Miles)  The ‘Consensus’ concludes it is Mr. Saban who is the Larger of Two Douches…As measured by fluid content,  Miles is approximately 3 Pints.  Saban is a full on, filled to the brim, “Gallon of Douche”.  If you’re in the market, and want to save money, the Saban Douche is the better value.

    FOR ‘MILES OF FRESHNESS’

     

    WHAT TO USE AFTER YOU’VE GOTTEN YOUR ‘CRIMSON TIDE’

    6:41:19 a.m. – ‘Douche Two’ was between A-Rod and Lance Armstrong.  You could say it was a ‘Jump Ball’, except Lance only has one.

    THE REAL ‘RUMOUR’ IS THAT MICK FLEETWOOD ALSO ONLY HAD ONE

    7:15:26 a.m. –  Imus complains, yet again, that he needs more light to read the spots…which is all Bigfoot’s fault for not making that happen, despite the billion times the I-Man has asked for it.  The Boss threatens Bigfoot.   “I’ll come upstairs to beat your ass.”   Of course, by the time he actually gets up to the 2nd Floor, it will be dark out…which will REALLY make it hard to see.

    THE I-MAN TRIES TO FIND HIS WAY DOWNSTAIRS

    7:32:10 a.m. –  Lieutenant Colonel Bill Cowan is on the discuss the Rob O’Neill, Navy Seal, (We smell a Pigfeets Dupris Blues Song comin’ on…) controversy.  He also weighs in on whether or not we should put ‘Boots on the ground’ in Iraq to fight ISIS.  He says Rob O’Neill was genuine and sincere, and has helped a lot of people get closure…much the way those people who attend prison executions of the murderers who killed their loved ones. He’s not enthusiastic about sending troops other than the advisers that are already over there.  We, however, are very enthusiastic about the idea of HIM going over there himself and this S#!t would be over next week.  He doesn’t even have to put HIS boots on the ground.  They can just air drop leaflets with his picture on them.  That’d scare the Be-Allah out of them. 

    IT’S GOING TO RAIN LIEUTENANT COLONEL COWAN FROM THE SKY

    8:06:12 a.m. –  Imus asks Dagen what kind of dog she has, and what its’ name is.  It’s a mixed breed, with, we’re guessing, a LOT of Chihuahua in him.  His name is Ramon.  This reminds the Boss of his OWN Ramon, who used to be head of security on the Ranch, and the guy at the Gate.  Apparently, Ramon was a Jesus Freak.  One of the hard and fast rules of the Ranch was that the gate must ALWAYS be locked.  However, Ramon, the Gate KEEPER, would sometimes forget and leave it open.  The I-Man asks Ramon if JESUS would leave the gate open.   Ramon said ‘No.’  But he WOULD leave a window open, because, as we all know, when ‘God closes a Gate, he opens a Window.’ Another hard and fast rule Ramon couldn’t follow, was the policy about motor vehicles and horses.  When encountering a steed, the vehicle must stop, turn off the engine…and the driver must remain there until the horses pass, and refrain from making any sudden movements.  Of course, Ramon stopped his truck and turned off the motor…and then waved, which caused the I-Man’s horse to jump like a frog on a hot plate.  Imus, ever the patient boss said:  “I told you not to wave at the horse!”   “I wasn’t waving at the horse,” said poor, ol’ Ramon… “I was waving at YOU.”

    RAMON WITH THE KEY TO THE RANCH…WHICH, SOMEHOW, HE LOST.

    8:16:16 a.m. –  “Bernard is the Jadeveon Clowney of the Imus in the Morning Program.” Jadeveon Clowney is a Houston Texans Star Defensive End, who has not played since Game 1.  He has only played one game this year.  He actually sat out because he had a cold.  The comparison to Bernie is because the I-Man challenged Bernard to come up with the 6 Songs for Might Be Elvis on Monday, to which Mr. McGuirk immediately gave an excuse as to why he could not.  “I have a run on Sunday.”   Ahem.  Can’t you run with your headphones on?  Pick the first 6 songs that you hear, something, ANYTHING, THERE’S NO HEAVY LIFTING HERE…AND THERE’S NO WRONG ANSWER, as evidenced by some of the I-Man’s choices.

    HE RAN A 4 MINUTE MILE

    8:20:20 a.m. –  The I-Man asks Ashley Webster what he’s doing this weekend, to which, our British Business Buddy, replies that he is ‘Having some people over’.    Uh….huh.  That sounds an awful lot like a Euphemism for a little sumpin’ sumpin’ switch with the neighbors.

    BOB AND CAROL AND ASHLEY AND ALICE

    8:46:00 a.m. – I-Fave, Tim Shriver, a longtime friend of the show, is on to promote his book, ‘Fully Alive’…(which, obviously, has nothing to do with the I-Man.)  Tim is the Chairman of The Special Olympics, which means he’s particularly qualified to be an Imus guest.

    TIM SHRIVER.  WITH HIS EX BROTHER IN LAW.  IN HAPPIER TIMES

    (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

     

     

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    SOMETIMES, LADIES, YOU FEEL LIKE…A COACH FROM ALABAMA.

    HERE’S A REVOLUTIONARY PRODUCT THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL FRESH AS A SPRING BREEZE BLOWING THROUGH A CLEAN, COTTON SHEET HANGING ON A LINE IN THE SUNSHINE…

    INSTEAD OF BEING FOLLOWED BY SEAGULLS

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ny-jDCh_vOk 

    Wednesday
    Nov122014

    Delbert is Here!

    6:02:04 a.m. –   Off air, the I-Man says that when he was in the makeup chair this morning, Nat told him he had so much nose hair it was growing out the TOP of his nose. However, he didn’t think to get the Boss a weed whacker.  The follicles coming from the Imus Nasal Region are so long, 8th graders could use it to satisfy the rope climbing requirement for the President’s Physical Fitness Award.

    LOOKS LIKE HE SNORTED WILLIE NELSON

    6:05:10 a.m. –   “Bruce Springsteen is an asshole, Zac Brown looks like Sinead O’Connor with a beard, and Andrew Dice Clay is a genius.”  These are the observations the I-Man has made to open today’s program.  And he says that there’s no news this morning…we beg to differ.  He was able to ‘Meatloaf’ before 6:10 A.M.: ‘Two out of three…ain’t bad.’

    ONE OF THESE THINGS…IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER…

    (ASSHOLE, SINEAD, AND A GENIUS)

    6:07:14 a.m. DELBERT IS HERE!!!!  It’s always a good day when the boy comes to visit.  Because we know that he will be the respite from the incessant whine of Lucinda Williams, John Prine and Van Morrison cuts.  We’re gonna hear some MUSIC this mornin’!   We just hope Delbert doesn’t strain himself.  We don’t want him to blow out one of his new valves.  He’s ‘Blues Jesus’ as far as we’re concerned.

    TAKE IT EASY D!  IT’S GONNA BE A LONG MORNING

    6:30:36 a.m. – The boy and his band do ‘The Best of Me’.  Thank you, Blues Jesus.  We are not worthy.

    BLUES JESUS HAS DELIVERED US FROM….THIS.  THANK YOU, BLUES JESUS

    6:38:08 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE  or, as we like to call it, ‘Does this remote have a MUTE button?’  It’s the weekly segment where, the normally environmentally conscious Deirdre Imus, clubs Harvard Educated Lawyer, Lis Wiehl like a Baby Seal.  The I-Man does a ‘MyPillow’ commercial and says “Looks like Lis has one under her dress.”  Which is not correct.  As Deirdre points out… “She’s absolutely beautiful…it’s NOT a MyPillow.”  She’s right.    It looks like it’s a MyPillow Mattress Topper.

    WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THE BOSS IS TALKING ABOUT.  TO QUOTE DAGEN:  ‘WE’D HIT THAT’

    6:41:08 a.m. – Deirdre relates that Wendy Goldstein, Delbert’s beautiful wife, said that sons receive 80% of their intelligence from their mother.  Which is a relief for the D-Woman.  If it were the other way around, Wyatt would be a ‘trainable’.

    GOOD THING THE WY-MAN TAKES AFTER HIS MOM.  OTHERWISE HE’D BE LIKE ANDREW DICE CLAY (ABOVE)

    6:46:08 a.m. –  Deirdre weighs in on the new NYPD Marijuana rules, allowing people to carry up to 25 grams of weed.  She says “This whole country is going down the drain…”  In she and Lis’ estimation, Pot is a ‘Gateway Drug’.   First it’s reefer then you’re robbing a bank.  For reefer?  Nobody robs a bank for weed.  They rob the bank for Ben & Jerry’s, Doritos and White Castle. We listen to Deirdre go ballistic about the Boss’ progressive position on the subject… “Well, you’re just a drug addict.”   Actually, we are quite amazed that after the nearly 3 decades of sobriety, the I-Man didn’t fall off the Cocaine Train and Alcohol Wagon the minute he met her.  We’re just listening to her, and WE need a couple of lines and a beer.

    DEIRDRE’S RIGHT.  WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL IT ‘DOPE’

    6:54:09 a.m. – Imus is tired of trying to get a word in edgewise.  He says that he’s a “Senior Citizen with Cancer…and compromised breathing.”  Lis then is incredulous to the notion that the I-Man wanted to be a brain surgeon.  She misheard.  He just said he wanted to get the voices out of his head.  He NEEDED a Brain Surgeon.

    “ALLRIGHT, NUMBNUTS…JUST TAKE A LITTLE OFF THE LEFT FRONTAL LOBE”

    7:31:26 a.m.  More Delbert.  “People Just Love To Talk”.   Which features the GREAT line, “If you don’t know nuthin’…don’t say nuthin’.”  Although that’s never stopped the I-Man.  Because…you know….he do like to talk about…nuthin’.

    ONE OF IMUS’ OLD MARINE BUDDIES SENT HIM A POSTCARD

    7:38:27 a.m. –  Best-Selling Mystery Writer, Patricia Cornwell, is on to promote her newest Kay Scarpetta novel “FLESH & BLOOD”. She relates that she was at a restaurant last night, and saw former Mayor Michael Bloomberg, and Senator John McCain at a table next to hers…she went over to say ‘Hello’…or, as the I-Man put it, ‘Annoy them when they’re trying to eat dinner’. Shockingly, Mayor Bloomberg did not recognize her, despite the fact that they met years ago.  Senator McCain saved the day, and told her he liked her books.  He is now Ms. Cornwell’s idol.  Too bad the Senator doesn’t travel with the I-Man.  He could help him remember who HE is.

    “FOR THE LAST TIME…YOUR NAME IS DON…IMUS!  JESUS!  DID YOU SUFFER A HEADWOUND?  OR ARE YOU JUST STUPID?”

    7:44:24 a.m. – Ms. Cornwell’s new book has her character, Kay Scarpetta investigating a Serial Sniper.   The Boss wants to know how far you have to get into the book before you get to the ‘Steamy Sex’ parts.  She says the first chapter.  So at least we know the I-Man will read THAT much.

    CHAPTER ONE:  “THE PLUMBER AND THE LONELY HOUSEWIFE”

    CHAPTER TWO: “THE PIZZA DELIVERY BOY AND THE LONELY HOUSEWIFE”

    CHAPTER THREE: “THE TV REPAIRMAN AND THE LONELY HOUSEWIFE”

    CHAPTER FOUR: “THE GARBAGE MAN AND THE MEXICAN LANDSCAPER”

    8:06:32 a.m. –  Imus promotes the event for the ‘Joan’s Legacy’ Benefit tonight at Gotham Hall to raise money in honor of Joan Scarangello, a good friend of Delbert and Wendy’s who passed away from Lung Cancer, despite never smoking a cigarette in her life.  It’s a strolling supper with ‘Blues and News’   The Blues from Blues Jesus, Delbert McClinton, and the News from Anchor of the NBC Nightly News, “Brian Wilson”   Um…Boss?  Didn’t you mean ‘Brian Williams’?  Is this the first signs of Senility? Are we going to have to do a benefit for YOU?

    BRIAN WILSON.  NOT THE ONE FROM THE BEACH BOYS.  THE ONE FROM THE DODGERS AND THE GIANTS.  THE RELIEF PITCHER. WHO LOOKS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE RON BURGANDY WITH A BEARD AND BASEBALL CAP

    8:22:16 a.m. –  The I-Man plays a tune from Dice’s sons’ band, L.A. Rocks.  We are not going to say anything disparaging about Mr. Clay’s children.  They are fine young men, following their passions, playing rock n’ roll.  But they are most admirable for the courage they’ve displayed every day of their lives, in the struggle known as “Growing Up With a F#@king Moron For a Father.” Maybe they will start a support group.  We know of a certain calf-roping prodigy who might want to join.

    “HI, I’M WYATT.  AND I GREW UP WITH A F#@KING MORON FOR A FATHER”

    “HI, WYATT!”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    From our friend Artie Lang’s Show,

    L.A. Rocks’ ‘Junkyard’

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5qzVwl5aY0

    AND HERE, WE PROVIDE YOU WITH AN MP4 SO YOU CAN

    SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT THE BAND

    WE JUST CAN’T KEEP THIS ONE TO OURSELVES