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    Thursday
    Dec192013

    What to Give the Man Who Has Everything and Appreciates Nothing

    6:07:10 a.m. –    The Duck Dynasty Controversy is the first topic of discussion this morning.  In light of Phil Robertson, the Patriarch of the bearded, backwoods family that has taken America by storm, apparently made some homophobic remarks in an interview for GQ.  Apparently, Mr. Robertson doesn’t know that most animals are bi-sexual.  Some are even gay.  You ever seen an ostrich?  Any animal that lives in a feather boa is DEFINITELY working the other side of the feed trough.

    “THERE’S A…PLACE FOR US…SOMEWHERE A PLACE FOR US…”

    6:06:12 a.m. – Warner gives his highly anticipated review of Anchorman 2.  After he is done, we still don’t know if we want to see it.  According to Warner, there were ‘Some funny parts’ as it ‘Wasn’t really serious.’   Which is comforting, considering it has been marketed since LABOR DAY as a comedy.  He does, however, suggest that there ‘Won’t be an Anchorman 3’  Yeah.  That’s what they said about The Godfather, too.

    “LOOK WHAT THEY DID…THEY MASSACRED WILL FERRELL…”

    6:25:50 a.m. – Imus says he’s shocked when Deirdre runs into people out in the real world who hate him.  He also  doesn’t like the fact that they take it out on her.  Apparently, a certain Fox Business personality was a snippy to the I-Woman at a luncheon yesterday…and Deirdre as already fired up from the particularly spirited edition of ‘Blonde on Blonde’.  Unfortunately, what clearly could’ve turned into an all-out, knock-down, drag-out, brawl between two attractive, psychopathic ladies…went by without incident.  But we maintain that both of them have someone else start their cars for them for the next few months.

    WE ARE SO DISAPPOINTED IT DIDN’T RESORT TO THIS…A CHOCOLATE PUDDING WRESTLING MATCH

    6:40:46 a.m. –  Stuart Varney is on, and tells us his Christmas tree fell down after he put it up.  The I-Man relates.  There was many a Christmas when everyone had to put up with Imus when HE fell down.  Back in the 70’s and Early 80’s he could’ve greatly benefitted from the use of a tree stand…to help keep him upright.

    “DON’T LEAN TOO FAR…YOU’LL FALL DOWN AGAIN”

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Robert and Vinnie Andrews have been managing Imus’ finances for the past 40 years.  He has, as you well know, earned a rather substantial fortune.  He has received one of those internet Meme deals in an email from them.  A little ‘funny’ graphic thing that’s a swipe at Obamacare, with a punchline that suggests Obama would do better using the money he put into the Website, to give a two million dollar gift to every American.  But, the arithmetic is off.  It would actually be… 2 dollars.  We shudder to think how much MORE the I-Man would be worth if the Andrews were actually good at math. 

    “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BREAK THIS TO YOU, CLINT…BUT I’M NOT PRESIDENT OBAMA”

    7:13:15 a.m. –  Connell reports that the members of ‘Pussy Riot’ may, in fact, be released from prison today.  Imus says he loves it when the “Hair Do Anchors get to say ‘Pussy Riot’.”  Connell bristles.  Not that Imus suggests he is shallow enough to actually gain pleasure uttering a salty term on the air…but that he has called him a ‘Hair Do Anchor’.   The problem with that is…to be a ‘Hair Do Anchor’  You actually have to have a ‘Hair Do’.  Not a ‘Hair Don’t’

    IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR RICHIE CUNNINGHAM, IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR CONNELL

    7:38:16 a.m. –  The Mensa Meeting included a visit from ‘Black Santa’.  Which, the I-Man, apparently, thought was a good idea…but then neglected to introduce, or draw attention to, the fact that he was present there on the panel.  If you’re looking for potato salad at the next Mensa picnic…you might want to consider going with the cole slaw instead.  Because the I-Man will be in charge of the potato salad.

    “TO BE HONEST WITH YOU…I DON’T MISS HIM…OR THE POTATO SALAD.”

    8:05:12 a.m. –  The I-Man watches a DVR of the show every day, and has come to the conclusion that the program is funny, which really shouldn’t be earth shaking news to him,  but what is more shocking to us is that he says he likes the kind of guy he is.   So he’s the one.

    WE REALLY MISS THOSE CAVEMAN COMMERCIALS FOR GEICO

    8:07:12 a.m.  –  “How is it my fault that Eric Bolling is a moron?”,  The I-Man wonders aloud.  He’s right about that.  Anybody who comes to up to us and asks us if we would “Tell Imus that I’m not a moron.”, is obviously, a moron.

    ERIC BOLLING SHOWS OFF HIS NEW TATTOO:  ‘MORONE’

    8:15:30 a.m. –  Pete Morgan, CEO of Peerless Boilers, and one of the BEST people on the PLANET and a long time supporter of the show, is in our ABC studios, paying a little holiday visit.  I-Man says that  Sports is sponsored by Peerless Boilers, which, luckily, allows Pete a little camera/radio airtime.  “Guess that diet didn’t work out, huh?”  The I-Man asks Pete.  “Guess that face lift didn’t work out, huh?”  Replies Pete.  Now you know why we love him.

    PETE MORGAN.  GETTING YUKS AT THE I-MAN’S EXPENSE.  BECAUSE HE CAN.

    8:40:48 a.m. –  Leif Babin and Jocko Willnik, the Founders of ‘Echelon Front’, a Leadership and Management Consulting firm, are both former Navy Seals, and, their presence provides almost too much awesome for one room to hold.  These dudes are impressive and inspiring, and it has less to do with the fact that they are as scary as F$#%, than it does that they somehow resist the urge to reach over the desk and crush the I-Man’s windpipe with their thumbs.  We shook hands with them back in the green room.  When the program is over, we will be going to the E.R. for x-rays.  And we suspect we may be known as ‘Lefty’ from now on.

    JOCKO (L) AND LEIF (R) : THEY WILL COME TO YOUR COMPANY AND SCARE THE $#@& OUT OF YOUR EMPLOYEES, EFFICTIVELY CAUSING PRODUCTION TO INCREASE APPROXIMATELY 700%

    9:02:18 a.m. –  The I-Man attempts to lure Dagen into being critical of ABC News Anchor Liz Cho, on the air.  Dagen responds. “I can’t hear you.”  “I said, ‘You look nice’.”  “Thank you!”  She has learned the time-honored Imus technique of ‘Selective Hearing’. 

    WE HEAR THIS GIRL ‘LOUD AND CLEAR’

    9:05:30 a.m. –  Our TV Boss, Kevin Magee, stops by, waits for the I-Man to go back on the air, and then silently delivers a gift.  It’s a small can of shaving gel and a disposable razor.  What was initially perceived as a thoughtful Christmas Gift, is actually just a passive aggressive way of telling the I-Man to shave that little pubic stubble he’s sporting on his chin.  If he really wanted to send a message to Imus, he would’ve just given him a revolver with a single bullet.    Imus, ever the optimist, says, “Look!  I needed a travel size razor and shave cream to take with me to Texas!”  completely missing the point.  Unfortunately, Duane Reade didn’t have any ‘Travel Size’ straight razors.

    WHAT TO GIVE THE MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING, APPRECIATES NOTHING, AND WHO YOU WISH WOULD JUST KILL HIMSELF ALREADY

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    WE TAKE A BRIEF DETOUR FROM HOLIDAY CHEER

    IN HONOR OF LEIF BABIN AND JOCKO WILLNIK, WE SHARE WITH YOU A VERY MOVING TRIBUTE TO THE SEA, AIR LAND COMMANDOS,

    COMMONLY KNOWN AS THE NAVY SEALS

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zv9AUFpRGyc 

    Wednesday
    Dec182013

    Do You Know Santa?

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man has lost his i-Pad…in addition to his I-Mind.  Apparently, he has left it downstairs in makeup, so he sends Carley to go fetch it, as he’s afraid Theresa, the Hair Stylist is going to “Do things to it.”  Like what?  Rearrange the Rodeo Photos?  Delete the mp3 files of ‘Astral Weeks’?  Or find those naked ‘selfies’ he took that he texted to Delbert?

    HOPE YOU’RE NOT READING THIS OVER BREAKFAST

    6:06:12 a.m. –  Imus is happy that Scott Salotto didn’t win the Mega Millions Lotto. Of course, that also means he didn’t win, but…he’s already a millionaire.  Scott could’ve used his 313 Million.  So he could buy the property next to the one the I-Man currently owns in Texas.  So he could erect a giant stereo speaker and blast Pet Sounds on an endless loop, as Imus has stated that he now thinks the Beach Boys suck.  Actually, at this point, they probably should be called ‘The Beach Men’…or ‘The Golden Boys’.

    SCOTT AND HIS ‘SPECIAL FRIEND’,  SANTA, WAITING FOR THE MEGA MILLIONS DRAWING

    6:17:34 a.m. – Warner says he’s going to ‘Take One For The Team’, and go see ‘Anchorman 2’ today, and review it on tomorrow’s program.  He said he ‘Kinda liked’ the first one…he didn’t find it terribly funny, but then again, a movie about a moronic 70’s News Anchor…is like a Documentary to Warner. 

    ANOTHER MOVIE THAT WARNER THOUGHT WAS A DOCUMENTARY…AS HE WAS THERE WHEN ALL THAT STUFF HAPPENED

    6:40:46 a.m. – Cindy Bigelow, of Bigelow Tea, is on, to discuss her work with The Troops.  She is sending tea to military bases here in the States, as well as Overseas, to say ‘Thank You’ to those who are putting their lives on the line every day to protect our freedom.

    “THIS IS MY COFFEE, THIS IS MY TEA…THIS IS TO KEEP ME AWAKE, AND THIS IS FOR RELAXING AFTER A HARD DAY ON THE BATTLEFIELD.”

    7:05:15 a.m. –  A Rio Rancho New Mexico teacher has been suspended for berating a Black student who came to school dressed as Santa, because… ‘Santa is White’.  The assignment was to come dressed as a favorite holiday character.  To be fair, it’s not like the kid had a lot of options.  It was either The Kringle, a Snowman, or a Black Easter Bunny. 

    MAYBE IF HE CAME TO SCHOOL LOOKING LIKE THIS…THAT TEACHER WOULD STILL BE WORKING TODAY

    7:09:18 a.m. – According to the online dating service for people already IN relationships, ‘Ashley Madison’, Mississippi is the state with the lowest rate of adultery…prompting the I-Man to observe:  “That is, unless you count farm animals”.

    THE BEST PART IS THE CUDDLING AFTERWARDS…

    7:40:08 a.m. –  Today, quite possibly, was the finest example of ‘Blonde on Blonde’ we have had since…ever.  A discussion about Multi-Vitamins somehow leads Lis to play the ‘Private Jet Card’.  Oh no she di-int.  Oh yes she did.  Deirdre, as you might imagine, took it all good naturedly and in stride…ha ha.  Last time we saw a reaction like that was when the kid’s head spun in ‘The Exorcist’.  Girl went…ba-zoik!   Water commence bubblin’, sparks start flyin’, bugs was runnin’ all crazy, bats start flyin’ around, monkey sh*&%in’ everywhere.  When she was finished, Lis had little tiny feets!   (If you get the previous reference, you are way hipper than we ever gave you credit for.  If not, we suggest you check out the ‘Mudbone’ cut from Richard Pryor’s  “Is it Something I Said”?)

    THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU…THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU…

    8:01:02 a.m. –  The I-Man has been discouraged from attending the Annual ‘Cardinal’s Luncheon’, where Roger Ailes’ wife, Elizabeth is being honored.  Perhaps the reason for the discouragement, was Cardinal Dolan’s fear that, should Imus be anywhere there is a cross in the room, he might burst into flames.

    ‘TELL THE MAITRE D’ TO CROSS OFF ONE VEGAN ENTRÉE’

    8:18:36 a.m. –  Dagen reports that there will now be fewer lawyers, due to the fact that fewer graduates are applying to Law School.  Now Pedophiles will have nobody to look down on.

    CARCHARHINUS AMBLYRHYNCHOS FOR THE DEFENSE 

    8:38:37 a.m. – Actor, Producer, and Director, Peter Berg is the guest, promoting his new film, “Lone Survivor”, based on the failed Navy Seal Mission “Operation Red Wings”.  Mr. Berg was also the director of the film ‘Friday Night Lights’, as well as a number of episodes of the television series.  The I-Man asks him if he knows Buzz Bissinger, the author of the book.  Mr. Berg says, he does, and that they are ‘Very close’.  We wonder if, perhaps, Mr. Berg has gone shopping with Buzz at the Gucci Store…and waited by the try on room so he could answer Buzz’s question:  “Does this bustier make my ass look fat?”

     SOMETIMES, PETER BERG LIKES TO DRESS UP LIKE A DOCTOR…

    9:00:18 a.m. –  During the break, it is revealed that Peter Berg IS indeed ‘VERY Close’ to Buzz Bissinger.  They are 2nd Cousins.  This prompts Deirdre, still fired up from ‘Blonde on Blonde’, to text the I-Man.  “What a worm Peter Berg is for not admitting he’s related to Buzz”.  We can only hope and pray the I-Woman doesn’t find out which hotel Mr. Berg is staying at on his press junket for “Lone Survivor”.  Because we believe that, in that particular situation, Deirdre will be the ‘Lone Survivor’.

    MRS. IMUS PREPARING TO INVITE MR. BERG OVER FOR ‘DINNER’

     “YOU KNOW, PETER…I’M YOUR BIGGEST FAN…”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    WHEN IT COMES TO SANTA, YOU’VE GOT QUESTIONS…

    WELL, WE’VE GOT ANSWERS…

    THE TRUTH?  YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYNaEM2O5pU 

    Tuesday
    Dec172013

    The I-Man and Scott Salotto Go Halfsies on the Mega Millions

    6:05:10 a.m. –   It’s the I-Man’s 19th Wedding Anniversary. The 19th is the ‘Bronze’ Anniversary, which is fitting, in that Imus was born during the ‘Bronze Age’.

    TO COMMEMORATE THEIR ANNIVERSARY, DEIRDRE HAD THE SHOES SHE WORE AT THE WEDDING BRONZED

    6:06:12 a.m. – Imus is not so hot on the 2013 Class of nominees to the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame.  Linda Ronstadt?  Cat Stevens?  Hall n’ Oates?  Where’s Terry Jacks?  Where’s K.C. and the Sunshine Band?  Where’s the Village People? 

    HALL AND OATES: THEY’RE ALSO IN THE BAD HAIRSTYLE HALL OF FAME

    6:17:34 a.m. –  Brian is Back!!  The I-Man delivers the good news to us.  The Beloved Talking Pooch from Family Guy, who died just a few weeks ago…has been…resurrected.   Which would make quite a case for Brian being…Jes…we can’t even bring ourselves to say it.  We will say this:  ‘God’ is ‘Dog’ spelled backwards

    AND ON THE THIRD WEEK…HE ROSE AGAIN, LIFTED THE ROCK, THEN LIFTED HIS LEG

    6:35:46 a.m. – Brett Baier is on to discuss the NSA Spying story…but winds up having to answer the I-Man’s question about Ashley Madison, the ‘Life is Short, Have an Affair’ website.  According to their membership, Washington D.C. leads the nation in adultery.  Curiously, Bill Clinton accounts for 98% of the numbers. 

    DO MORMONS GET A MULTI-AFFAIR DISCOUNT?

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Country Music Legend, Ray Price, has died at the age of 87.  And we’ve had a change of heart…we’d rather the I-Man go back to talking about the rodeo than going on about all the ‘hits’ this poor old goober had.  The Boss even goes so far as to have Lou play a Dwight Yoakum version of a song Price didn’t even write, but once sang…  Okay, okay, we get it.  Ray Price is dead.  But you’re KILLING us!

    LOOKS LIKE HE USED UP ALL ‘THE GOOD TIMES’

    7:17:15 a.m. –  The I-Man can’t attend Rob’s show at Uncle Vinnies on New Years, because he is going to be in Midland Texas, although he’s not sure why.  He says there’s a Mexican Restaurant down there, called ‘La Bodega’.  Um…we have Mexican Restaurants here in New York.  And a crap load of ‘Bodegas’.   Why he has to spend 20 Grand on a Private Jet to go get a liplock on some Cheese Enchiladas…we don’t know.

    YEAH, THAT’S WORTH FLYING 3 ½ HOURS FOR

    7:38:17 a.m. –  Barbara Walters is on to promote her 10 Most Fascinating People special, and, suddenly, things take a turn for the worse…the I-Man asks her if she had an affair with Fidel Castro.  She says she’s disappointed in him for asking that question.  So, according to Warner, that means ‘Yes’.  It will take many years for us to get the image of Barbara Walters bumping uglies with the Cuban Dictator. 

    WE THINK WE SPEAK FOR THE BULK OF HUMANITY WHEN WE SAY:

    “EW”

    8:01:02 a.m. –  The I-Man and Scott Salotto are going ‘Halfsies’ on the Mega Millions Jackpot, which is currently around 600 Million Dollars.  Imus has asked Scott to buy 9 tickets.  He has given him one series of numbers.  Scott has purchased 10 tickets. Which means there’s one ticket up for grabs.  Exactly.  The chances of Scott owning up to the fact that the one extra ticket was the winner, and not one that he is in on with Imus, aren’t even as good as the odds that ANY of their tickets will be winners.  This is a lawsuit waiting to happen.  “Do you have an opening argument, Mr. Imus?”  “Yeah.  Where’s my money, bitch?”

    YEAH, HE’LL SPLIT THE MONEY WITH IMUS.  WHEN DEIRDRE ORDERS THE JUMBO RIBEYE AT RUTH’S CHRIS

    8:05:12 a.m. –  Warner suggests that Barbara Walters was lying when she denied having the affair with Castro.  (And he hadn’t even yet seen the photo above)  He says that she deflected the question with another question, which is a surefire ‘Tell’.  A dead giveaway.  Which is what Deirdre is going to call the Garage Sale she has after the I-Man croaks.  The ‘Dead Giveaway’.

    THERE’S ALSO A LOT OF BOOKS, VAN MORRISON CDS AND COWBOY MEMORABILIA

    8:07:12 a.m.  – The I-Man, apparently, has a ‘tight relationship’ with University of Texas President, Bill Powers.  Despite the fact that, at first, he can’t remember his name.   Not exactly all that good when it comes to Wyatt matriculating. Although, according to Wyatt, he ‘discovered’ ‘Matriculating’ a couple of years ago. 

    TWO UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS STUDENTS… ‘MATRICULATING’

    8:38:37 a.m. – Matt Taibbi is on to discuss his Rolling Stone article about Camden, and the loss of their Police Force.  Camden is now like blade Runner, Minority Report and Judge Dredd.  Technology has turned the once dangerously scary city into the newest vacation destination.  Well, maybe not that far, but…at least now you can go to Wendy’s for a Frosty without having to be armed.

    AT ONE TIME, NOT EVEN SPRINGSTEEN WOULD GO HERE

    9:00:18 a.m. –  The I-Man keeps Matt over for the 9 O’clock hour, such is his respect for the brilliant writer.  They talk about Basketball, and the fact that Matt is now the father of a 15 day old bouncing baby boy. 

    ‘MAX’ TAIBBI:  THE HEIR TO THE THRONE.  AND A CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A THREE MINUTE AND TWENTY FIVE SECOND MUSICAL SERMON ABOUT THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_NPbOG1-pE 

     

    Monday
    Dec162013

    King of the Cowboys!

    6:05:10 a.m. –   19 Time World Champion, the King of the Cowboys, Trevor Brazile will be our guest today, but first, he has to suffer an appearance on ‘Fox n’ Fiends’, in which he will provide a roping demonstration outside in the Plaza.  The Vapid, Bubble-Headed Mouthbreather Hosts will be wearing western gear especially for the event.  We can’t wait to see Steve Doocy in his Mom Jeans, looking like Dale Evans.

    WE NEVER KNEW ELIZABETH HAD SUCH A BIG HEAD

    6:06:12 a.m. – Tony has told the I-Man that Bruce Jenner wants to have his Adam’s Apple shaved.  We assume to make it match is vagina.

    SOON, THE COLLAR AND CUFFS WILL MATCH

    6:40:46 a.m. – Bo Dietl is filled with the Christmas Spirit…at least that’s what we assume, in that he didn’t break the kneecaps of the cop who gave him a parking ticket.  The Old Bo would’ve jammed the Policeman’s ‘Nogginatation into his Sphincterism.’  Bo wants to keep a low profile because he’s going to be attending the ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ premiere tomorrow…and probably wouldn’t be able to post bail in time.

    THE OLD BO WOULD’VE FED THIS TO THE OFFICER

    7:05:15 a.m. –  There is footage of a street fight between Faux St. Nicks…and all out Santa Brawl.  We are now officially in the Christmas Spirit.

    “NOBODY CALLS MY WIFE FAT!  EXCEPT FOR ME!”

    7:11:22 a.m. –  Imus  wants Bigfoot to change the lighting…um…it’s lit with a Streetlamp…as it took place at night…on the…well…STREET.  The I-Man is pretty omnipotent…but saying “Let there be light”, as far as we know…only worked once. 

    “STAND BACK, NUMBNUTS…I GOT THIS.”

    7:17:34 a.m. –  Connell reports  on a philanthropist leaves extremely generous tips, sometimes in the thousands of dollars…in a movement that has been dubbed ‘Tips for Jesus’.  Imus, half listening as always…is half listening.  And thinks that ‘Tips for Jesus’…is someone providing advice. 

    “WATCH OUT FOR THAT JUDAS…HE’S TROUBLE.”   “THANKS, IMUS…VERILY.”

    7:21:17 a.m. – Warner has his shirt open to…almost his navel.  He looks like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever…if Saturday Night Fever took place on Polka Night at the Nursing Home.  He’s wearing a gold chain…which, he reveals, is his Mezuzah.  He says he likes to fool people, saying he likes to ‘Blow on it’.   What?  Oh…you mean because it looks like a whistle.  Is that like a dog whistle?  You blow a Mezuzah…only Jews can hear it?

    WARNER’S MEZUZAH.  SAMMY DAVIS JR. GAVE IT TO HIM.

    7:22:44 a.m. –  “Y’know, the tree doesn’t look that bad after all.”  The I-Man changes his tune about the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tradition…after rolling the tinted windows down on the limo.  We can’t wait for him to actually get out and walk over to it.  Then it will REALLY blow his mind.  Because people will this he’s Old Man Winter.

    “HEY, STUPID!  MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!   IT’S AN EFFING TREE!”

    7:40:08 a.m. – Football Legend, Paul Hornung is on to discuss the Heisman trophy and NFL Football, and not, surprisingly, the Affordable Care Act, Mandatory Flu Vaccines…or the rodeo.  Even at 78, he doesn’t want to have to listen to Imus go on and on about it.  However, Paul does own a couple of racehorses, that he is training to trample Morning Radio Talk Show Hosts on command.

    …AND…’BABABOOEY’ ON THE OUTSIDE…

    8:05:10 a.m. –   After Paul’s interview, NFL great Jim Brown’s name comes up, and Warner states that he is the greatest running back he ever saw.  Imus asks if Jim Brown could still play today.  Warner replies that, at age 67, he probably wouldn’t be all that effective.  Naturally, he’d be a little off his game.  The only way he could throw a woman up the stairs would be if he did it in front of an escalator.

    OOPS.  THAT WAS THE ‘DOWN’ ESCALATOR.  SORRY, BABY.

    8:17:12 a.m. –  Dagen does a report on ‘Gluten Free’ food, and how those who suffer from Celiac and other Gluten-Intolerant conditions are in the minority.  “So if y’all don’t want to eat gluten.  Eat at Home.”  “That’s what the Mayor of Toronto does…” according to the I-Man.  Here’s our question:  Is it technically ‘Gluten Free’ if she has a yeast infection?

    WE HOPE SHE’S REFERRING TO THE FROSTING BOWL

    8:20:12 a.m.  –  The I-Man gets an email from Mike Breen, who wonders why the Boss has not buttoned the second button on his heavily starched shirt…which is showing a little more of his hairless, pigeon chest, than we’d prefer.  He says he’s having difficulty getting the button through the hole, on account of there’s so much starch.  As opposed to when he’s in the bedroom, when he can’t get the button through the hole because there’s not ENOUGH starch.  We suggest he think about sending his junk to Hallak Cleaners.   But until then, button your damn shirt, cowboy, we don’t want to look at your neck labia any more.

    MAYBE YOU COULD GET A RECOMMENDATION FOR A SURGEON FROM BRUCE JENNER

    8:40:37 a.m. – Trevor Brazile is on to discuss his 19 World Championships.  He says the horse is responsible for 30-70 % of the runs.  Which seems somewhat unfair, as winning cowboy receives 25 grand per event…while the horse gets a bag of oats.  The steed, obviously, needs a better agent.  By the same token, Joe Beaver says it’s 80% mental.  Which means, if the horse is responsible for 70 percent, and the ‘mental’ is 80 percent…that’s 150%  So if you’re only putting in 100% effort…you’re not getting it done…and your horse sucks.

    TREVOR, HIS WIFE SHADA, AND THEIR TWO BEAUTIFUL KIDS.  HE’S 175% LUCKY.

    9:05:18 a.m. –  In a discussion about the new Mega Millions Jackpot, Imus says he loves when these losers talk about what they would do with the money, when…they’re never gonna win the effing money.  Dagen says it’s natural for people to speculate on what they would buy with their winnings.  Like a boob job.  Which, here in New York, for a good one, will cost about 15 thousand dollars.  Dagen isn’t about to win the Mega Millions Lottery…so we start a crowdfuning ‘Kickstarter’ campaign for her, so we can help her turn her ‘Short Stack of Silver Dollar Flapjacks’, into a nice, perky set of Belgian Waffles. 

    WHERE DAGEN WILL GET HER BOOB JOB (ALONG WITH TWO EGGS SUNNYSIDE UP)

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    More Christmas Cheer

    Santa Brawl 2013

      

    IT’S A LITTLE DARK, BECAUSE…WELL…IT’S NIGHT BUT YOU CAN MAKE OUT ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT THESE SANTAS ARE GOING TO HAVE TO PUT THEMSELES ON THE ‘NAUGHTY’ LIST

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBv5Kh56PwU

    Friday
    Dec132013

    Black Santa

    6:05:10 a.m. –   Black Santa is here this morning.  We realize a lot of you didn’t know that Santa Claus was a black man…but what did you expect?  St. Nick’s  been climbing in and out of chimneys for the past six hundred something years…

    “MERRY CHRISTMAS, BITCHES. AND WHAT NOT.

     HO HO HO…WAIT A MINUTE, CAN I SAY THAT?”

    6:06:12 a.m. –  The I-Man saw Peek a Boo Woo yesterday, concerned about his not being able to clear his throat.  Of course, The Boss feared the worst.  Dr. Peak Woo was very comforting, telling the I-Man that ‘All Is Clear’.  It’s a relief to us…but not so much for The Boss, who thought he’d be able to score more painkillers.

    “I WILL GIVE YOU THAT VICODIN SCRIP, BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME YOU WILL PLAY THIS CD OF MY FRIEND’S BAND”

    6:17:34 a.m. – Warner reports on Michael Morse of the San Francisco Giants, who held a press conference to announce his signing.  Then Warner played a clip of some Morse Code.  We can only hope it was S.O.S.  Because the old man needs some serious help. 

    WARNER IS “DASH DOT, DOT DOT DASH, DASH, DOT DOT DOT”

    6:40:46 a.m. –  Dick Gregory is on…and says he uses the ‘N’ word…because it’s part of history. We’re not sure which ‘N’ Word he’s referring to.  ‘Niagra’?   ‘Necco Wafers’? ‘Nagger?’   You wouldn’t call your wife that, would you?

    CHOCOLATE NECCOS.  WE’RE NOT SURE THIS WAS THE ‘N’ WORD TO WHICH MR. GREGORY WAS REFERRING

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Roxanne Roundtree blinked an email to the I-Man, in which she expressed her deepest gratitude for all the exposure she’s received for her ‘Roxy’s Recipes’ cookbook.  You can be a real Santa this year, and make it a VERY Merry Christmas, not just for The Roundtree family, but for whoever on your list you decide to give this amazing book of recipes.

    http://www.roxanneroundtreecookbook.org/

    THE BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT YOU COULD EVER GIVE OR GET

    7:17:15 a.m. –  Connell reports that North Korean Dictator, Kim Jong Un, has executed his Uncle.  We don’t think he actually did the ‘whacking’, we think he brought in a couple of Button Men from Detroit’s ‘Kimchee Killers’ gang.  Uncle Jang Song Thaek tried to pull a ‘Coup’ on his nephew.  And he should’ve had somebody start his ‘coupe’ for him.

    “SORRY UNCLE JANG…BUT PAYBACK IS A BITCH.  LIKE THOSE BITCHES I LIKE TO WATCH IN THOSE PORN MOVIES!”

    7:38:16 a.m. –  “Vinnie From Queens”, the roundtable discussion of sports on the Imus in the Morning Program, featuring Warner, Lou, Gunz and Tony is quite spirited today.  Warner actually decided to put his ‘Big Boy Pants’ on, despite the fact that they are…Garanimals.  In response to the picture that Deirdre took of Carley and Gunz, Warner said, ‘Looks like you grew a couple inches.’   At first we thought the diminutive Sportscaster Legend was making a short joke, then we realized, he wasn’t referring to Gunz’s height.

    HEY GUNZLEMAN…IS THAT A ROLL OF CERTS IN YOUR POCKET?  OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE CARLEY?

    8:05:12 a.m. –  There’s a new paid segment on some 50 Cumulus Stations called ‘Larry King:  Droppin’ In’  In today’s episode, Larry shares how he met Ryan Seacrest, who, we imagine, knew how to talk to Larry, after all those years of being with Dick Clark after the stroke.

    YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT, WITH LARRY, THE WORD ‘LIVE’ IS MEANT TO BE USED ‘LOOSELY’

    8:07:12 a.m.  –  Connell editorializes the News and gets a stern chastising from Imus.  He then receives a little ‘Journalism Lesson’ from the I-Man.  “Be sure to interrupt a story about an orphanage fire that killed 600 puppies with the announcement that, Tuf Cooper is no longer #1 in ‘Tie Down’ Roping.”

    “A TYPHOON JUST WIPED OUT THE TINY ISLAND NATION OF TUVALU…BUT…MAN!  I DON’T FEEL WELL…I’M SICKER THAN 9 DOGS…”

    8:38:37 a.m. – 8 Time World Champion Calf Roper, (and 2 time Gold Medalist at the Calgary Olympics) Joe Beaver, is on to talk about John Kerry’s trip to the Middle East.  Psyche.  He’s been doing the Play by Play for the National Finals Rodeo.  We ask Baby Jesus to spare Joe, because he makes Rodeo sound interesting.  We still would like Him to use his Baby Jesus powers to smite the I-Man.

    THIS ONE’S OKAY, BABY JESUS.  HE’S A GOOD DUDE.  THE CRANKY COWBOY SITTING ACROSS FROM US, HOWEVER...IT WOULD BE GREAT IF YOU COULD USE ALL OF  YOUR INFINITE, OMNIPRESENT BABY JESUS POWERS TO STICK A SOCK IN HIS CAKEHOLE

    9:05:18 a.m. –  Dagen reports that Austin Dillon, grandson of team owner, Richard Childress, will drive a Sprint Cup Car in 2014 with a slanted 3 number, made famous by seven-time cup champion Dale Earnhardt, who died in a crash in the last lap of the 2001 Daytona 500.  Imus says “We can only hope that he puts it into a wall.”   WHAT?  You’re wishing that Austin Dillon do a ‘Dale Earnhardt’, who ‘Went into the wall in the last lap of the 2001 Daytona 500?’  IN A NUMBER 3 CAR??   We’re all for wishing ill on somebody…but…how about a Flat Tire or Blown Engine?  Transmission Problems….anything.  That’s like wishing Paul McCartney get approached by an autograph seeker outside the Dakota. 

    ALTHOUGH DALE IS SMILING DOWN ON AUSTIN…WE DON’T THINK HE’S ALL THAT HAPPY WITH IMUS

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Dave Chappelle Weighs In On

    Black Santa

      

    THE HARDEST WORKING SANTA IN SHOWBUSINESS

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHOc12rlq60