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    Monday
    Jul222013

    The Great Kate Wait

    6:05:00 a.m. – The program begins with the news that Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Windsor, is FINALLY in labor.  The ‘Great Kate Wait’ is over.  The world is on their edge of its’ seat awaiting the blessed event…that is, everybody but The I-Man, who, initially, couldn’t be bothered by the idiotic hullabaloo…until Fox’s Official Anglo-ologist, Imogen Lloyd Weber, stops in to offer her thoughts.  She says that the Royal birth is good for Britain, good for the world, and good for humanity.  Now we can only hope that the baby comes out looking like a shoe.

    ALTHOUGH NOT BIOLOGICALLY POSSIBLE, IT APPEARS THE NEW ROYAL BABY FAVORS CAMILLA PARKER BOWLES

    6:07:13 a.m. –  Warner is back from Israel!   Like the I-Man says, “We love Gunz, but…” Exactly.  There is just no substitute for The Wolf-Man.   His style, his unique take, the way his smile just beams…the way he sings off key…the way he haunts my dreams…oh no, they can’t take that away from me…

    RING A DING DING…THE CHAIRMAN OF THE SCOREBOARD IS BACK…

    6:25:13 a.m. – The Bernie Briefing includes a report about a Tiny Penis contest that was held this past weekend in Brooklyn.  We assume Blink 182’s ‘All The Small Things’ was the song used as the theme for the event.  It is a unique competition, in that, if you win, you’re actually a ‘loser’. 

    IS THAT A ROLL OF TUMS IN YOUR POCKET?  OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME? 

    6:40:18 a.m. –  Bo is a No Go, it’s not that he won’t be with us No Mo’, he’s just on location…shooting either a small part in a movie, or another one of his Arby’s spots.  Anthony Mason is here instead, a guest who is somewhat preferable to the aforementioned Mr. Dietl, in that, he actually speaks the English Language.  Mr. Mason and the I-Man have a chat about ‘The Eagles’.  Not just because today is Don Henley’s birthday, but it seems that Imus saw Nic Harcourt interview Joe Walsh on “Guitar Center Sessions” on The Audience Network, a Direct TV channel.  Evidently, the interview was fabulous.  Joe revealed his favorite Eagles song, which  is ‘Hotel California’.  He believes it to be the seminal moment of his career, as it’s hard to dispute the fact that, as the song goes…“You can check out anytime you like…but you can never leave…”

    NOT SURE IF JOE IS JUST ‘REALLY INTO’ A WAILING GUITAR SOLO…OR IS ACTUALLY IN SOME KIND OF PAIN.  NEVERTHELESS, ‘WE ARE ALL JUST PRISONERS HERE…OF OUR OWN DEVICE’

    7:05:17 a.m. –  Martha McCallum phones in from London, and informs us that,  the Royal Birth will be commemorated with a 62 gun salute.  When the I-Man wants to know why it’s 62 guns, Martha says she doesn’t know, but our crack research department is on the case.  They have discovered that Gun salutes are customarily fired as a sign of respect or welcome, marking a special occasion.  21 guns are fired, as, originally, warships shot 7 gun salutes, the number 7 selected because of its astrological and Biblical significance.  Land based cannons had a higher capacity for gunpowder, and so they were able to fire three guns for every shot fired on the water.  At the Tower of London, 62 rounds are fired; the original 21, plus a further 20 because the Tower is a Royal Palace and Fortress, plus another 21 ‘for the City of London.’  We have just been informed that there are  41 shots on other occasions… we just have NO EFFING idea why. 

    HEY, NIGEL…DON’T AIM FOR THE BRIDGE

    7:07:09 a.m. –  The Boss reveals on TV that, at the top of the hour on the ‘radio side’ of the program, he discovered that Dr. Bill Evans, (who as you might recall, broadcast from The Wild Safari Animal Compound at Great Adventure Amusement Park last Friday) was bitten…by a sloth.   We are somewhat confused, as we can’t, for the life of us, understand why Dr. Bill was not able to get out of its way, as Sloths are the slowest moving mammals in the Animal Kingdom.   You could prepare a Paella, eat it, clean the kitchen afterwards and finish the last of the Sangria and STILL have time to avoid the “Three Toed Wrath” of this creature:

    QUICK!  RUN!   THIS BITE ATTEMPT BEGAN AT 3:32 P.M…YESTERDAY. 

    7:40:01 a.m. –  John DePetro is on to discuss the Whitey Bulger trial.   We’re not sure what John could be thinking… especially that one of the key witnesses in the trial, Stephen ‘Stippo’ Rakes was found dead…mysteriously and suddenly.  We know John is a radio talk show host…and so we humbly suggest that perhaps, in addition to having one of his interns ‘taste’ his coffee for him…he make sure that where he’s sitting in front of the microphone that he’s… ‘grounded’.

    “DON’T TOUCH THIS DIAL…ESPECIALLY SEEING AS HOW YOU’RE SITTING IN A PUDDLE OF WATER”

    7:55:01 a.m. –  Bob Dole is…90 YEARS OLD today!   Bernie mentions that he hasn’t seen him, but he’s probably still sucking down the Viagras, and ‘Gettin’ Busy Wit’ Lizzy’…his lovely wife of 37 years.  

    BOB DOLE, WORLD WAR II HERO…ALTHOUGH WE THINK BEING THE SPOKESPERSON FOR VIAGRA IS A FAR MORE IMPRESSIVE DISPLAY OF COURAGE

    8:05:01 a.m. –  Imogen Lloyd Weber is back to provide more commentary, re: The Royal Rug Rat.  Imogen is one of the lovelier people on the planet…and quite atypical for a Brit…in that not only does she have a beautiful smile…she has impeccable, not to mention, ALL OF, her teeth.

    THE ‘DENTALLY CHALLENGED’ AUSTIN POWERS“

    ARE YOU…HORNY IMOGEN?  YEAH, BABY!”

    8:06:46a.m. –  Imogen is ‘not amused’ by Bernie’s Queen Elizabeth impression, taking exception to his British Accent, which, she claims makes him sound like “Dick Van Dyke gone wrong.”  She’s referring to Dick’s painfully pitiful cockney voice in Mary Poppins.  We’re of the opinion that Mr. Van Dyke’s British dialect is not NEARLY as bad as Kevin Costner’s in ‘Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves’. 

    NOT ONLY DO WE THINK BERNIE’S ‘QUEEN ELIZABETH IS ‘SPOT ON’, HE LOOKS  JUST LIKE HER, TOO

    8:15:01 a.m. –  The I-Man makes yet another futile attempt to convince Warner to go see ‘The Book of Mormon’, after reading an article in the New York Times about members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints taking to the Internet to research their faith, resulting in considerable doubts about their founder, Joseph Smith.   We still don’t understand Broadway Musical Aficionado Warner’s resistance to the show, although he maintains he has a problem with the ‘Disrespect to God’.  That didn’t stop him from seeing Harvey Fierstein as Tevye in ‘Fiddler on the Roof’, which was, to coin a Yiddish phrase, ‘A Shonda!’

    ON THE LIST OF ‘OFFENSES TO GOD’ WHICH ONE IS MORE EGREGIOUS?

    8:17:09 a.m. –   Warner’s Sports Report:  University of Florida linebacker Antonio  Morrison was arrested for ‘Barking at a Police Dog’.  Warner’s take?  “Morrison’s defense was ‘The dog barked first.’”  Oh, Warner, how we’ve missed you!

    ANTONIO DOING HIS ‘POLICE DOG’ AT A COCKTAIL PARTY IMPRESSION

    8:40:18 a.m. -   Melissa Francis is on to discuss the Royal Baby as well.   Melissa doesn’t understand why it’s taking so long for Duchess Kate to kick the kid out of her womb much like her mother kicked her out of the car. 

     “GET OUT…AND STAY OUT!!”  ‘TWEETS’ THE MOTHER SPARROW

    #TIMETOLEAVETHENEST

    9:05:16 a.m. –  It is revealed that Dr. Bill Evans was also bitten by an elephant seal…which prompts the I-Man to muse “What is it about the word ‘WILD’  in the term ‘WILD ANIMAL’ that you don’t understand?”   He has no sympathy for our official “Meterolugewcxmpkqtist”, maintaining, Dr. Bill got what he deserved.

    “HEY, BILL!  YOU WANT A PIECE O’ ME?  DON’T LET THE LONG NECK FOOL YOU, I WILL $%^# YOU UP!   AND, BY THE WAY, WHEN IS THIS EFFING HEAT WAVE GONNA END?  DON’T MAKE ME OPEN THIS DOOR…”

    9:15:18 a.m. -  The I-Man weighs in on the plethora of Big Budget, Box Office Flops that Hollywood has released this summer, not the least of which is Johnny Depp’s ‘The Lone Ranger’, who, as Tonto, looks like a Hood Ornament. 

    JOHNNY DEPP…WHO LOOKS LIKE HE JUST STEPPED OFF A ’64 IMPALA

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN CASE YOU SHOULD EVER FIND YOURSELF IN A SITUATION WHERE YOU NEED TO IMPRESS IMOGEN LLOYD WEBER WITH YOUR FABULOUSLY GENUINELY AUTHENTIC SOUNDING BRITISH ACCENT:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsdhOKZv0uo

     

    Friday
    Jul192013

    The Mystery of the Doctor

    6:05:00 a.m. –      Dr. Bill is not live this morning, as he is doing a remote for WABC Television, from Six Flags Great Adventure, an Amusement Park in New Jersey.  Apparently, somebody thought it was a good idea to have a parrot on his shoulder during the Weather Casts.  Of course, as is their wont, the parrot is repeating EVERYTHING Dr. Bill says.   “Temperatures will be in upper nineties, but the ‘Real Feel’ will be between 102 and 107.”  “Temperatures will be in upper nineties, but the ‘Real Feel’ will be between 102 and 107.”   We can’t imagine that will get tiresome, oh, about three seconds into the first report, but we look forward to the Parrot advising us to ‘Bring your feather gear.’

    “POLLY WANT A…CREEPY ASS CRACKER?”

    6:07:57 a.m. –  The I-Man will be watching the British Open this morning, WHILE he does his program.  He will provide his own, personal, play by play, in lieu of ESPN Sports Announcer and Analyst, Mike Tirico, which, will be along the lines of… “Tiger’s teeing off…Jesus, does he suck!”

    6:10:17 a.m. –  Congressman Peter King has announced that he will run for President of the United States, an ambition that the I-Man, somehow, is contemptuously skeptical.  He offers various candidates that have a better chance of being elected…like Charlie Sheen.

    IN THE I-MAN’S VIEW, CHARLIE’S GOT A BETTER CHANCE AT… ‘WINNING’

    6:15:42 a.m. –   Gunz reports on the young man who ran onto the field during the MLB All-Star Game having his arraignment this morning…although Gunz says he will be ‘Arranged’.   Lou pipes in to offer that yes, indeed, and tomorrow, he will be “Re-Arranged”.   Another proud graudate of Fordham University, much to the chagrin of both Lou AND Connell McShane, both of whom are embarrassed alumni.

    THE ALMA MATER OF CONNELL MCSHANE, LOU RUFINO, MIKE BREEN

    AND MICHAEL ‘GUNZ’ GUNZELMAN

    ‘ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS’

    6:25:13 a.m. -  The I-Man likes Bob Seger.  He just doesn’t want to have to “Look at this “Wilfred Brimley looking bastard”.   We have a similar problem every morning.  But in our case, it’s not Wilfred Brimley.  It’s Bea Arthur.

    BOB SEGER.  HE’S ACTUALLY GOT MORE OF AN ‘OLD PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN’ THING GOING ON

    6:40:18 a.m. –  Comedy Legend Dick Gregory is on to discuss the Zimmerman trial.  After about three minutes of the most measured, insightful, intelligent, impressions of the case, we come to the conclusion that HE should run for president.  But at 197 years old…maybe it would be wiser if he just…walked.

    DICK GREGORY…WHO, ONCE ACTUALLY WAS A CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT

    7:05:17 a.m. – Although we know what he said was brilliant, nobody is really quite sure what it was that Dick Gregory said about Charles Barkley, and so, Tony is enlisted to ‘translate’... not unlike Barbara Billingsley had to do in ‘Airplane’.

    “OH, STEWARDESS!   I SPEAK ‘GREGORY’!”

    7:07 A.M. – The I-Man wants to speak with Joseph Abboud about Men’s Wearhouse buying his brands for 97.5 Million in CASH.  Of course, he can’t get a hold of him.  Probably, because somebody ELSE has ‘Gotten ahold of him’…in some sick, twisted S&M role-playing game that went amiss…

    UNFORTUNATELY, MEN’S WEARHOUSE DOESN’T CARRY THIS OUTFIT…THIS IS FROM ABBOUD’S ‘PRIVATE LINE’

    7:40:01 A.M. – Bret Baier is supposed to be on now…but, of course, he is not.  The I-Man is justifiably annoyed, in that, Baier obviously disdains the radio listeners, even though the Boss has sold more ‘My Pillows’ to our WABC audience than Bret Baier has viewers for his hideous television program.  Bret Baier is now ‘Banned for Life’.   And the formerly hunky news anchor shall forever be referred to as ‘That jug-eared, Alfred E. Newman Looking Shmuck.’

    BRET BAIER WITH A ‘SPECIAL REPORT’…VERY ‘SPECIAL’…SHORTBUS ‘SPECIAL’

    8:05:01 A.M. –  After attempting to track him down for the better part of two hours, Joseph Abboud finally surfaces, texting the I-Man to protest the categorization of him since the program began.  (We’re not talking just today…we mean ever since the Program ACTUALLY began…back in Palmdale in the 60’s)  He maintains that he’s “About as normal as a designer can get…I have a wife, two kids and a cat.”  In other words, he has ‘beards’ too, because the cat is about as close as he gets to pus…um…you get the point.

    YEP…THIS IS ABOUT ‘AS NORMAL AS A DESIGNER GETS’

    8:08:01 A.M. –  Imus, while watching the British Open, asks “Who’s the fat golfer with the ponytail?”  He gets frustrated that nobody on the program knows what he’s talking about, let alone what the man’s name is.  “Which golfer?   The guy with the clubs?”  Of course, this is all Bigfoot’s fault.  Because Bigfoot can’t anticipate the meandering mind of the I-Man.  Finally, it is deduced that the person the Boss refers to is Miguel Jimenez.  We’re not sure WHY the I-Man needed this information, but, nevertheless, he has it now.  But not thanks to Bigfoot.

    “YOU WERE LOOKING FOR ME, I-MAN?”

    8:15:01 A.M. –  Dr. Bill’s status as a ‘Doctor’ is discussed.  Apparently, the Boss was advised in an email by ‘Fat Tony Mascaro’ over at ABC Radio, NOT to refer to our Chief Meteorghrwxbmzlpomist, as a ‘Doctor’.  Unfortunately, Fat Tony did not put the words “Off The Record” in the Subject line of the email, and thus all of America is now in on the behind the scenes drama of the Imus in the Morning Program.  Somehow, this brings the I-Man to reminisce about ‘Tex Antoine’, who, years ago,  used to be the weatherman for WABC TV back in the late 60’s, Early 70’s whose thoughtless quip about ‘rape’ wound up getting him fired. 
    “I was around to watch that train wreck of a career, but he’s probably dead now, so God Bless Him.”

    WE’RE NOT SURE WHY ‘TEX’ FELT HE HAD TO DO THE WEATHER IN A PAINTER’S SMOCK, BUT…WE ASSUME IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH HIS CAREER DERAILMENT

    8:38:01 A.M. –  Unable to take the suspense from the mystery any longer, the I-Man questions ‘Dr’ Bill Evans about the use of his honorary title.  He points out that Deirdre ALSO has an honorary title, but she doesn’t use the name ‘DOCTOR’ Deirdre Imus… (Perhaps because she acts more like a ‘nurse’ for her husband)  Jesus, Imus.  LET THIS ALONE…Bill Evans isn’t a REAL doctor.  We get it.  And, by the way, NEITHER IS JULIUS ERVING!!!!  And Earvin Johnson isn’t a magician, either.

    “TAKE TWO POINTS AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING”

    9:05:01 A.M. –  Imus can’t figure out what Silda Spitzer’s initial attraction to Eliot was.  We offer that it was money.  Unfortunately, the I-Man can’t relate, because, Deirdre has assured him that what first attracted him to her was the fact that he was so handsome, charming, sensitive, and even-tempered. 

    SUBMITTED COVER ART FOR DEIRDRE’S NEW BOOK FOR SIMON & SCHUSTER

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A SPECIAL ‘BLU RAY EDITION’ DIRECTORS’ ANALYSIS ONE OF THE FUNNIEST SCENES FROM ONE OF THE FUNNIEST MOVIES EVER MADE

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fkZdz4Vz10

    Thursday
    Jul182013

    Blurred Lines

    6:05:00 a.m. –  The I-Man shares with us a heartfelt email he received from his wife of 21 years, Deirdre, celebrating his 26 years of sobriety:  “Hey, so it’s July 17th” , so &^@$in glad you’re sober.  Man, what a bigger nightmare you would be!  Stop looking for congratulatory pats on the back for NOT doing drugs and drinking yourself into a &^@$in g coma.   I love you more than anything my dear husband, Deirdre.”   She is the embodiment of the phrase: “Behind every great man is a great woman.”  We would amend it to read: “…an even GREATER woman.”   Because we’re scared that she might beat the &#* out of us!  

    DEIRDRE PREPARES A DELICIOUS VEGAN DINNER FOR THE I-MAN:

    “…AND THEN YOU ADD THE ARSENIC…”

    6:10:15 a.m. – John Kerry is in Israel.  Warner Wolf is in Israel.  Coincidence?  Perhaps the World’s Greatest Sportscaster is there to help broker the Peace Process?  We will see…

    “COME AWN, ABBAS…BIBI…OKAY, SO YOU GUYS ARE ENEMIES…CHANGE THE RULE!  IF YOU CAN’T GET ALONG AFTER 5000 YEARS…YOU LOST!”

    6:40:18 a.m. – Father Jonathan Morris is on to talk about the Vatican’s new ‘Plenary Indulgence’…which is basically Tweeted Confessions.  We don’t know about you, but we couldn’t get all of our sins out in just 140 characters.  Father Morris’ FOUR FAVORITE SONGS, (Because, according to the I-Man, he can’t follow rules) is the Johnny Cash Classic “Folsom Prison Blues”…a priest who likes a song about a man who shot another man in the face, just to watch him die?  Not very Christian of him.  But maybe Father Morris enjoys prison himself.  (We think some tweeting may be in order)

     POPE TWEET:  “’HEY, I’M NOT BRAGGING, BUT…I HAVE 1,899,236FOLLOWERS #JESUSONLYHAD12

    6:57:57 a.m. –   Dr. Bill Evans gives us a weather report that actually has us concerned…it seems that we are about to receive a ‘Back Door Cold Front’.   Is that nationwide, or just specifically for San Francisco, Fire Island, Provincetown and Greenwich Village?   Just to be on the safe side, Joseph Abboud decides to wear his ‘Back Door Gear’.  Which, of course, are his ass-less leather chaps.

    THE ‘BACKDOOR COLD FRONT’ IS…ER… ‘COMING’

    7:17:42 a.m. –   Deirdre, apparently, has made an observation about NASCAR’s Sweetheart, Danica Patrick.  She thinks Patrick…has a penis.  Dagen goes ‘all in’ and offers her thoughts on Danica’s ‘Handshake’:  “When she shakes your hand, she shakes it like she has a scrotum.”   We’re not sure if that means it’s a sturdy handshake, or that, perhaps, it’s somehow in the way.  We just hope she WASHES her hands after scratching her alleged ‘scrotum’.  Welllllll….as long as it’s not an Adam’s Apple.

    OK.  WE DON’T SEE ONE.  AND BELIEVE US…WE LOOKED FOR IT.  A LOT.

    7:27:19 a.m. -  Imus suspects that Warner may actually be working for Mike Baker and the C.I.A. ‘Sanctioning Undesirables’.  For many Enemies of the State, the sound of a drone is the last thing that they hear.  There are a few, however, that, just prior to the ‘Killshot’, are witness to their assassin’s ‘Catchphrase’… “I’m turning your set off…now.”

    “WOLF…WARNER…WOLF”

    7:40:17 a.m. –  The Mensa Meeting begins with a VERY contentious debate between Deirdre and “So Left Wing, He’s Circumnavigated The Globe And Is Now On The Far Right”, Alan Colmes, over the controversial Rolling Stone Cover with Dzohkhar Tsarnaev.    Deirdre says that Alan is “The Lowest Of The Low”.    Here’s how bad it is…even LIS agrees with Deirdre.    

    DEFENDER OF THE FREE PRESS, ALAN COLMES, TAKING ISSUE WITH DEIRDRE’S POSITION ON THE ROLLING STONE COVER

    7:46:22 A.M. –  And yet, Deirdre and Alan agree on ‘Blurred Lines’, Robin Thicke’s controversial song that they both vote as the Best Song of the Summer, despite the fact that it has been described as ‘Rapey’.   This is a new adjective for us, so we went to the Urban Dictionary for a definition, which is the following:   ”A guy who's creepy, and hugs or kisses inappropriately. He has a rapist lure. You don't think he would do it but definitely gives off that vibe. i.e. creepy hugger at the office.”  As in…  “That Joel Osteen sure is…rapey.”   We’re not so sure we agree with ‘Blurred Lines’ being categorized as ‘Rapey’.  Although that 21 year old model, who’s in it with Mr. Thicke, Emily Ratajkowski…would pretty much cause us to consider ourselves ‘Rapey’ as …we would LOVE to hug her.  But not in a creepy way.

    THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE’VE ACTUALLY BEEN JEALOUS OF A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE

    8:12:18A.M. – Mike Lupica is actually out in New Mexico, booked for a Corporate Speaking Engagement, and has driven from Santa Fe to Ribera to visit the I-Man, Deirdre, Wyatt, Zack, and all the little knotheads.  He is at the gate, essentially at 6:12 A.M. Mountain time, waiting for Deirdre to drive the 2 ½ miles from the Hacienda to the gate to let him in.  Imus encourages Mr. Lupica, who, hopefully, is listening to the program on the radio of his Rent a Car, to STAY in his Rent a Car.  There are roving bands of wild dogs, coyotes, bears and rattlesnakes…he’s actually in danger.  Although not as much in danger as he will be when he gets to the Ranch’s Broadcast Studio where another predator lay in waiting.

    LOCK YOUR DOORS, LUPY.  YOU COULD GET HURT…

    …BECAUSE BEARS CAN SMELL PECAN SANDIES A MILE AWAY

    8:40:36A.M. – Carley, Dagen, and Nat are all obsessed with the aforementioned Emily Ratajkowski, the model from the ‘Blurred Lines’ video.  Dagen maintains that “She has the best set of breasts…EVER.  I’m taking a screen grab of them, from the naked version of the video, to a Plastic Surgeon, and I’m telling him: ‘Give me…these.’”

    WE’RE NOT SURE IF DAGEN ALSO WANTS THE BLACK BARS WHEN SHE GETS THE SURGERY TO RECREATE EMILY’S SPECTACULAR DÉCOLLETAGE

    9:05:41 A.M. -  Gunz goes on record to say that he’s a fan of Ms.Ratajkowski’s Breasticles…because they are so ‘rotund’…which everyone laughs at, assuming that the word is being used in its’ ‘excessively fat’ context.  In fact, ‘rotund’ has two more popular meanings  ‘Spherical in shape’, and ‘Round and full’.  So he is, in fact, correct.  However, that is not the adjective we would use to describe the 8th Wonder of the Natural World.  We’d merely say that they were ‘Spectacular’.

    NOW THAT’S ROTUND…AND ONE FAT PUSSY, BY THE WAY.  LET THE RIOT BEGIN

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE OBJECT OF SO MUCH AFFECTION…THE ‘BLURRED LINES’ VIDEO

    WE OFFER THE ‘CLEAN’ VERSION HERE:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyDUC1LUXSU

    (BUT SHOULD YOU WANT TO SEE THE FILTHY, ALL-NAKED, OHMYGODARETHOSEREAL? VERSION…THERE IS A LINK ON THE PAGE THAT WILL TAKE YOU THERE.)

    PERV.

    Wednesday
    Jul172013

    Doctor Imus Celebrates 26 Years Sober!

    6:05:00 a.m. –    Today is cause for celebration and congratulations…as it marks the I-Man’s 26th year of sobriety…9,490 days…(including six Leap Years) one day at a time.  That’s 227,760 hours, 13,665,600 minutes…819,936,000 seconds.  Which is about as long as this morning’s edition of ‘Blonde on Blonde’ is going to feel. 

     ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS FOUNDER OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS (ALTHOUGHT THE FACT THAT WE KNOW THAT HIS NAME IS BILL WILSON KIND OF FLIES IN THE FACE OF THE WHOLE ‘ANONYMOUS’ THING)

    6:07:28 a.m. –   The Boss wants to know how Nat’s seats were at the All-Star Game last night.    He is disappointed to hear that they were pretty damn sweet, as he was hoping he would have something to take issue with Jeff Wilpon.   He actually PRAYED that Nat Sr. and Nat Jr. were atop one of the Citifield Flagpoles.

    NOT TOO SHABBY…

     

    HOWEVER, THIS WAS WHAT THE I-MAN WAS HOPING FOR

    6:10:17 a.m. –  Imus has decided to celebrate his AA Anniversary by going into town to ‘Dick’s Liquor’, Which is not to be confused with the other, well known spirits store, ‘Dick Liquors’, Both of which are personal favorites of ‘Little Richard’, who’s with us this morning.

    APPARENTLY, LITTLE RICHARD ALSO SHOPS HERE…QUITE OFTEN

    6:26:45 a.m. –  Patrick Gottsch, of RFD TV, has begun broadcasting on the Sirius/XM Satellite Radio Network.  He has asked the I-Man to name the channel, and Imus has offered ‘Rural Radio’.  Which is not bad, other than the fact that not even the I-man can pronounce it.  We would pay serious cash money if Tom Brokaw were hired to be the on air announcer for the network. 

    PATRICK GOTTSCH…WHO IS LOOKING FOR A ‘METEORLOWBVXCZSFPLKIST’  PERHAPS ‘DR.’ BILL EVANS IS INTERESTED?

    7:55:57 a.m. –  Warner, supposedly, is on vacation in Israel.  We’re not sure what the story is there.  We assume he went there to pray, but quickly realized that it was like ‘talking to a wall’...  but he’s been gone so long, we suspect that he may have actually been…drafted by the Israeli. 

    WARNER…COVERT OP, UNDERCOVER IN THE ‘SPECIAL’ FORCES’ DIVISION

    7:07:42 a.m. –   The I-Man no longer wishes to be referred to as ‘The I-Man’.  He now wants to be known as ‘DOCTOR’ Imus, a statement that causes Dr. Bill Evans to admit that his that his ‘Doctorate’ degree is ‘Honorary’.   VERY ‘Honorary’.  As in… “He got it mail order by sending in the bar codes off the little boxes his Tylenol came in”.

    ‘DOCTOR’ IMUS: “IT’S MY EXPERT MEDICAL OPINION THAT YOU ARE, INDEED, SUFFERING FROM ‘FUZZY PEACHES SYNDROME’”

    7:12:13 a.m. -   We are ‘treated’ to a clip of Neil Diamond singing ‘Sweet Caroline’ during the 7th Inning Stretch at the All-Star Game last night.  It’s…hideous.  Imus asks Rob what key Neil is singing in.  Little Richard says ‘One of the Florida Keys’…it might as well have been a ‘Skeleton’ Key…it’s certainly not in an octave in which anything HUMAN could make a sound.

    HE SHOULD’VE DONE ‘CHERRY CHERRY’ INSTEAD.  HEY, NEIL, DO US ALL A FAVOR AND SEND UP A FLARE WHEN YOU GET NEAR A ‘MELODY’  

    7:40:17 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde.  Or as we like to call it, “How does one go about intentionally getting locked up in Guantanamo?”

    JUST BY OFFERING HER TAKE ON THE ZIMMERMAN VERDICT, LIS WAS ABLE TO GET 12 CONFESSIONS

    8:05:17 A.M. – Connell does a story about Liz Cheney moving from Virginia to Wyoming to run for Senate, Bernie suggests that this, essentially, makes her a ‘Carpetbagger’.  The I-Man, not missing a beat, implies that it could have easily been her sister, Mary…who would be considered a Carpet-OH, COME ON NOW, YOU DON’T THINK WE’RE GOING TO SUCCOMB TO THAT INFANTILE LEVEL OF HUMOR NOW, DO YOU?  SERIOUSLY?  THIS IS A FOUR TIME MARCONI AWARD WINNER, AND A MEMBER OF EVERY RADIO HALL OF FAME THERE IS…

    LIZ AND MARY CHENEY…WHICH ONE IS THE LE…UM…LIKELY SENATE CANDIDATE?

    8:40:01 A.M. – I-Fave, Juan Williams, is on the phone, ostensibly to talk about the Zimmerman trial, but before he gets on, a clip is played of his appearance on Sean Hannity’s program last night, where he engaged in a spirited conversation with a somewhat ‘Fired Up’ Civil Rights Attorney, Leo Terrell…however the discourse is somewhat LESS than ‘Civil’

    JUAN ON SEAN HANNITY’S PROGRAM…LEO WENT…BER-ZOIK!  

    9:06:01 A.M. –  The I-Man shares a story about a friend of his, who shared a story about a girlfriend of his, a famous singer he was dating, who got so drunk one evening, that…at the evening’s conclusion, the aforementioned girlfriend…um…wet the bed.  Thank God it was in the Summer…had it been Winter, there might have been an electric blanket atop the sheets, and the boy could’ve been electrocuted. It’s killing us to know who that person is, but Imus isn’t coming clean.  Coincidentally, Lis Wiehl, has shared a story about a friend of hers, who shared a story about a boyfriend, (and then later husband) of hers…a famous radio personality she was dating…who, wasn’t drunk…but still wet the bed.  Hmmmmm.   It’s killing us to know who that person is…but Lis isn’t coming clean either.

    IT WAS SO HOT…HIS CROTCH WAS SWEATING

    9:12:49A.M. –  We’ve been wondering why The Boss has shown such interest in this New York Times’ Bestselling Children’s Book Series, THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS, which is about a girl who discovers she is the next in a line of  ‘Shadow Hunters’, Warriors dedicated to ridding the earth of demons.  We, at first, mistakenly believe Imus may be concerned that he’s being pursued…but it turns out that the I-Man’s Main Man, Michael Lynne, is producing the movies based upon the books, much as he did with The Lord of the Rings…because Mr. Lynne didn’t really make ENOUGH money off that cute little fantasy franchise.  The Boss professes his deep love of, and admiration for, the Tolkien Trilogy.  We assume he relates to Sauron, the Dark Lord, but he does resemble Gollum, (although he possesses the wisdom of Gandalf) and, of course, his best friend, Mike Lupica, has been oft compared to a Hobbit.

    IMUS AND LUPICA AT COMIC-CON

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IT’S TIME FOR AN OLD FASHIONED, DOWN HOME,

     “IMUS IN THE MORNING, BEHIND-THE-SCENES BLOG SINGALONG!”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7pRcaAjWZA

    PRIZES WILL BE GIVEN FOR ANYONE WHO CAN IDENTIFY THE KEY IN WHICH

    MR. DIAMOND IS ACTUALLY SINGING

    Tuesday
    Jul162013

    The Great Lyle Lovett!

    6:05:00 a.m. –     Singer, songwriter, actor, horse breeder, and TRUE gentleman the GREAT Lyle Lovett is in studio this morning, and…it simply does NOT get better than that.  He is here with legendary drummer Russ Kunkle, who, by himself, would be an amazing musical guest, but the two of them together is what you would technically call ‘An Embarrassment Of Riches’.  Are we gushing?  Yes.  But if it’s wrong to have a full-on ‘Man Crush’ for Lyle Lovett…then we don’t want to be right.

    WE ADMIT…WE’VE GOT THIS PHOTO UNDER OUR BED.  DON’T JUDGE.

    6:10:17 a.m. – We discover, during a discussion of tonight’s MLB All-Star Game that the I-Man is… A Big Chris Berman fan?  Really?  Questions immediately spring to mind:  “How?”  “Why?”   The Imus answer:  “He’s fat…and I like him.”   We never knew that was the main criteria for the Boss to be fond of you.  If that were the only requirement…he must absolutely ADORE  Rob.

    “GOD, I LOVE THE I-MAN!”

    6:40:18 a.m. –  Carl, ‘Two Questions’ Jeffers is on, and shares a story about a recent incident he had on a ‘Red-Eye’ flight, on which he had a SEVERE attack of Vertigo.  As Carl described the ordeal, it’s a total loss of the sense of balance, you are completely unsure of your physical stability, an unsettling, disquieting sensation of helplessness… the feeling of not literally knowing, ‘Which way is up?’   Which, here on the Imus in the Morning program, we call ‘Monday Morning.’

    UNUSUAL, YET FASCINATING PHENOMENON:  STARE AT THIS PICTURE FOR A LITTLE WHILE, AND YOU CAN ACTUALLY HEAR CARL JEFFERS TALKING

    7:05:57 a.m. –  A woman sends an email to Imus, upset that the I-Man and D-Woman don’t personally sign the THOUSANDS  of ‘Thank You’ letters they send for every donation made to the Imus Ranch For Kids With Cancer.  Considering she is complaining to a man who is battling cancer, has breathing issues that require the use of bottled oxygen as he spends every summer at 7000 feet above sea level and does a radio program requiring him to get up at 2 o’clock in the morning Mountain Time, (and has done so for the past 15 years) we think you could file this one under ‘What The Hell Was She Thinking?’  Sign THIS, you old bag.  It’s a ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ order. 

    “THANK YOU FOR YOUR DONATION.  NOW, PLEASE DIE.

    VERY SINCERELY YOURS, DON IMUS.”

    7:17:42 a.m. –   Dagen reveals that, due to Lyle Lovett’s presence in our studio this morning, she went all out to get ‘Prettified’ for him.  A process that included her pulling her ‘back fat’ around to the front to create faux cleavage.  Um…thanks Dagen.  We think.

    DAGEN, SIMULATING WHAT GOD FAILED TO PROVIDE (OKAY, OKAY, YOU GOT US, WE’RE JUST MESSING WITH YOU, THIS IS ACTUALLY THE BACKSIDE OF OUR PLUMBER’S PANTS AFTER HE RIPPED A HOLE IN THEM

    7:27:13 a.m. -  The I-Man sent Nat an email, disappointed in the studio audience our Stage Manager has assembled to watch Lyle’s first performance this morning, of “Don’t Touch My Hat” off his very fine new album “RELEASE ME” so for his second, song, “Natural Forces”, Nat has doubled the size of the crowd…we believe…by ‘cloning’.  Now we know why Jeff Wilpon was so quick to provide Candido with tickets for tonight’s All Star Game. 

    QUICK!  NAT!  DO YOUR MAGIC!

    7:40:17 a.m. – Tim McCarver, former Major Leaguer and Sportscaster Extraordinaire, is on to discuss tonight's All-Star Game.   During the interview, he reveals that he is retiring after this year’s season, which is sad for everyone who looked forward to hearing his voice calling the games.  Fortunately, you can still hear his golden-throated pipes sing ‘On A Clear Day’ on his album, which, we believe was ‘certified lead’ by the RIAA.

    THIS RECORD HAS REPLACED ‘DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY’

    ON GUANTANAMO BAY’S I-POD PLAYLIST

    8:05:17 A.M. – It’s reported that the Pope has a new ‘Ride’, a Ford Focus, a car which, in the I-Man’s opinion, desperately needs to be ‘Pimped’. Not that the Holy Father is going to be out  ‘Cruising for Chicks’ on Saturday Night, but you would think that, given the flamboyance of the position, and the florid outfits of the papacy, he’d have a somewhat flashier set of wheels. Although his vow of celibacy would preclude him riding around with the top down in his Benzo, Imus, whose long-time condemnation of the sexual abuse scandals in the Catholic Church is legendary, offers that a more appropriate vehicle for the Pope might be… an ‘Ice Cream Truck’.  Yes, he did ‘go there’…and yes, he IS ‘going to hell.’

    “IS THAT A VANILLA CONE IN YOUR POCKET?  OR ARE YOU JUST…BLESSED?”

    8:40:01 A.M. -  Lyle Lovett and Russ Kunkle finish the program as they started, with two unbelievably great tunes from Lyle’s new record, RELEASE ME.         The I-Man welcomes Lyle back ‘Anytime’.  And it’s not that phony kind of offer, you know, ‘Hey, the door’s always open’…kind of deal you really don’t mean, you’re just trying to be polite…and dammit if the bastard doesn’t show up, making you have to come up with some excuse about how you are just about to go in for Cataract surgery…Imus genuinely MEANS it.  “I’m serious…don’t even call, just show up…we’ll throw somebody else off…we don’t care.”   We’re down for that.  Maybe on a morning when Terry Francona or Bethenny Frankel is a guest…not that they ever will be booked again…but…you get the drift.

    “UM…LYLE LOVETT JUST SHOWED UP…GET OUT.”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN OUR DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO FIND OUT JUST EXACTLY WHY THE I-MAN HAS SUCH AN AFFINITY FOR CHRIS BERMAN, (WE DON’T THINK THE ‘FAT’ THING IS REALLY ENOUGH) WE HAVE UNEARTHED A CLIP THAT MIGHT SHED SOME LIGHT ON THE MYSTERY.  UPON VIEWING SAID CLIP, WE CAN KINDA SEE WHERE THEY MIGHT BE KINDRED SPIRITS:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TLG_LtWhj4