6:05:10 a.m. – Arthur Aidala, who the I-Man attempted to contact yesterday,to secure his services to sue the Hallak Cleaners out of existence…did NOT return ANY of the Boss’ calls. “That’s because he’s not as good as Joe Tacopina.” He certainly doesn’t have NEARLY as good a head of hair.
THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW. BUT AIDALA WON’T
6:07:14 a.m. – Imus learns something about himself. As far as the torture listed on the CIA report goes…he’s okay with most of it. Including the sleep deprivation and the running around in a diaper. Probably because the former was something he experienced in the cocaine-fueled 80’s, and the latter…what he is experiencing now.
THE I-MAN CIRCA 1981: LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW.
6:14:36 a.m. – The Boss went to see Dr. Richard Granstein, the head of dermatology at NY Presbyterian Weill Cornell Medical Center. The I-Man has something on his lip and on his temple that needs to be looked at, and Deirdre and Dr. Lloyd Hoffman went with him. It’s unusual for a doctor to accompany a patient to ANOTHER doctor, unless, of course, he wants to tell that doctor, “See? I wasn’t kidding about this guy!”.
“TAKE A LOOK AT THIS…HE WANTS TO SUE A CLEANERS BECAUSE THEY COULDN’T GET HIS COLLARS RIGHT…I MEAN, YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS UP.” “AND YOU DECIDED TO BRING HIM TO A DERMATOLOGIST AND NOT A PSYCHOLOGIST?”
6:16:32 a.m. – Imus: “Here’s what I’m not gonna do anymore: I’m not gonna wish anybody a ‘Happy Birthday’. There are 7 Billion people on the planet.” That is, unless you’re born on February 29th. Mathematically, you were born on the same day as 19,178,082 other people on earth. 859,178 of whom reside in the United States, 3.7 million in China and 3.2 million in India. That means that a little less than 20 million people were also born on Christmas Day. So even JESUS ‘Special Day’ is not all that special…well, maybe a little more special than yours.
“HEY, YOU GONNA TRY TO BLOW OUT ALL THE CANDLES THIS YEAR, JESUS? OR SHOULD WE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT AGAIN?”
6:18:47 a.m. – “What is George Strait doing that he can’t sing the National Anthem at the National Finals Rodeo?” Imus is incensed, because George Strait is holding his own Team Roping Classic on March 13th and 14th at the San Antonio Rose Palace. He’s a passable roper himself. So the tie-in would seem obvious. Much like it would be if Imus were to be asked to be the Keynote Speaker for the American Lung Association Convention.
“HANG ON A SECOND…LET ME CATCH MY BREATH…I JUST WALKED TO THE PODIUM FROM THAT CHAIR HERE NEXT TO THE PODIUM. LEMME GET A HIT OFF THAT OXYGEN TANK YOU GOT THERE, OKAY, CHAMP?”
6:38:08 a.m. – Mike Baker phones in to talk about the CIA Torture Report. He takes exception to the timing of its’ release, as he was in the midst of an interrogation himself, and was barely able to get enough ice from room service to fill the bathtub. He appears distracted, but only because while he’s talking to the I-Man, he’s attaching the jumper cables on the car battery to the nipples of his ‘detainee’.
OF COURSE, WHEN THEY LIKE THAT SENSATION, THE EFFICACY OF THE TECHNIQUE BECOMES A MOOT POINT
7:05:10 a.m. – Imus announces that Steve Kenyon, the Radio Rodeo Commentator for the NFR will be the 830 guest. As Bigfoot puts Steve’s picture up on the screen, uncharacteristically, the I-Man makes the observation that perhaps between now and when he appears, Mr. Kenyon might “Want to hit that salad bar.” He also might want to be careful while he’s out in Vegas, as somebody might attempt to rope and tie…him.
THAT’S ONE CALF YOU’LL NEVER MISS
7:32:10 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE – The girls…sorry…women…discuss torture. Irony? Who’s to say? That conversation leads to discussion about topics such as ‘What kind of cookie will you leave for Santa?’ ‘Were you ever a girl scout?’ and, ‘Will you take your top off?’. Sorry, that last one was OUR topic, after Imus ordered them to do so.
NOTE: THE BAR COVERING DEIRDRE’S BAZOOMS IS LARGER AND HIGHER, THAN THE ONE COVERING LIS’
8:06:32 a.m. – Imus is frustrated, he says that he’s tired of working for people who don’t have the ‘Will to Win’. He’s a winner who brings the noise, and the funk EVERY day. The Reverend Jonathan Mason, Sales Manager of WABC, emails the Boss, and writes that yesterday, the radio station’s sales department sold 8 Million dollars in advertising...IN ONE DAY. So who do you think was responsible for that? That’s right. Curtis and Kuby.
8 MILLION DOLLARS? THAT’S AN AWFUL LOT OF SPOTS FOR PENIS ENLARGEMENT TREATMENTS AND RECTAL ITCH CREAM
8:35:16 a.m. – Arthur Aidala finally gets back to the I-Man and calls in, ready to bring the heat to Hallak Cleaners. Arthur says that all it will take is a letter on his stationery that says ‘If the situation is not rectified immediately, prepare for legal action.’ As opposed to illegal action…which involves a guy name ‘Cheech’ from Brooklyn holding Mr. Hallak’s head on the Steam Press.
“LET’S SEE IF WE CAN’T GET THOSE WRINKLES OUT OF YOUR FOREHEAD.”
8:38:14 a.m. – Steve Kenyon calls in to discuss the National Finals Rodeo. He and the I-Man discuss Calf Roping, young Rodeo Phenom Marty Yates as well as the Wright Brothers. No, not those Wright Brothers, but Spencer, Jesse, Cody and Jake, the Brady Bunch of Saddle Bronc Riding.
‘HERE’S THE STORY…OF A DUDE NAMED JESSE, WHO HAD BROTHERS WHO COMPETE IN RODEO, THEY WERE FOUR MEN...SADDLE BRONC RIDING…
9:05:10 a.m. – Connell reads a story that says a person loses 0.4 inches per decade after you turn 40. Which means that Warner Wolf used to be 7 foot 8, playing Center for the Mesopotamia Minotaurs.
WARNER AT THE ORIGINAL COLISEUM, THE NIGHT HE SCORED 100 POINTS
9:10:20 a.m. – Billy Joe Shaver is going to be on the program next week. “You’re a terrorist if you don’t like Billy Joe Shaver. He’s an American Treasure.” Does that mean somebody should bury him?
“LET’S ALL GIVE HIM A BIG HAND…”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
On the Second ‘Video of the Day of Christmas, your true love gave to thee:
Will Ferrell in one of the funniest scenes from ‘Elf’