6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man asks Warner if he watches Sports Center. Ironically, our legendary Sportscaster is not a big fan of Sports Shows. He answers that he does, sometimes, but not the whole thing. The Boss reminds Warner that it’s on 24 hours a day, and generally, they repeat the stories every hour. Which is a big relief for Warner, as he thought his seeing the same stories over and over meant that his Alzheimer’s was getting worse.
WE ONLY WISH HANNAH STORM WAS ON 24/7
6:12:24 a.m. – Dagen reports the Google announced a ‘One Day Sale’ of its’ ‘Google Glass’, wearable, internet browsers. She hopes that there’s a huge lawsuit resulting from all the cross-eyed people that the specs create.
BEFORE GOOGLE GLASS AFTER GOOGLE GLASS
6:15:30 a.m. – Connell reads the story about the nutjob with the backpack in Boston who crashed the memorial ceremony for the Marathon Bombings of last year. The I-Man says he doesn’t know what they should do with this guy. We have a couple of ideas. Most of them involving his nutsack…and a vice.
RECOMMENDED PROCEDURE (ARTIST’S RENDERING)
6:35:07 a.m. – Doris Kearns Goodwin, our favorite Party Girl, is on to discuss her recent trip to the L.B.J. Library to commemorate the 50th Anniversary of the Civil Rights Act. She mentions that her life has come full circle from her 20’s when she worked for President Johnson. As opposed to Monica Lewinsky who worked under President Clinton’s…Johnson in the “El B.J. Room”.
HARVARD COVERGIRL, PROFESSOR DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN
7:09:18 a.m. – We are both surprised that we have another musical guest this morning: Arkady Klatponyevik, the Eric Clapton of Russia, who has brought his Fender Proletariat, “Lenin” model…(Vladimir, not John) Formerly of ‘The Yard-Bears’, ‘Dostoyevsky And The Muscovites’, and ‘There Is No Cream Today’. He’s on to promote his new album, “Straight Outta Kiev”, featuring hits like ‘I Shot the Cossack’, ‘Lay Down Tanya’, ‘Tears in Moscow’ and ‘After Midnight And I Am Still On Line Waiting For Toilet Paper’.
‘ARKADY KLAPTONYEVIK’ HE’S PRETTY FAT FOR A GUY WHOSE BAKED GOODS ARE RATIONED
7:18:36 a.m. – Warner gives us a History Lesson, pointing out that 50 years ago, Shea Stadium was christened with water from the Harlem River where it flowed past the Polo Grounds, representing the NY Giants, and water from the Gowanus Canal, representing the Brooklyn Dodgers. Just so we’re clear Warner…they used two of the most polluted waterways in the NY Metropolitan Area to open Shea Stadium? No wonder the Mets have sucked for 50 Seasons. They might as well have used the horse manure that fertilized the Polo Grounds.
THE HOUSE THAT ‘LOSE’ BUILT
7:39:34 a.m. – The I-Man says the ‘Kars for Kids’ commercial is the single most annoying radio spot…ever. The only thing that could possibly make it worse would be if Billy Joe Shaver sang it. “If You Don’t Give Your Car To Kids…Go To Hell.”
“1-877- KARS FOR KIDS …DONATE YOUR CAR TODAY…OR I’LL SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE”
7:37:34 a.m. – “Blonde on Blonde” The Ladies tackle the pressing issues of the day… ‘Was Jesus ‘Hot’? And… ‘Who hides the Eggs, the Easter Bunny?’ Deirdre maintains there is no Easter Bunny. She doesn’t believe that kids should gorge on chocolate and go into a sugar coma at Church. That Easter Baskets take away from the real reason for the holiday…Jesus. But, if there was a Chocolate Jesus, we guess that would be okay.
THE BODY OF CHRIST…HAS A CREAMY, NOUGAT CENTER
(JUST DON’T LEAVE HIM OUT IN THE SUN)
8:08:16 a.m. – The I-Man is crowing about the ratings for ‘It Might Be Elvis’, which were HUGE. They weren’t just good, they were GREAT. It happens to be the only segment that Rob is on. Hmmmmm. Coincidence? Absolutely.
IT MIGHT BE LIZA…BUT SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE’S WITH ELVIS
8:17:24 a.m. – The I-Man is tired of people telling him to “Have a Nice Day”. His parents are dead, his brother is dead, he has Cancer, he can’t breathe…if he wants to have a sh***y day…he deserves it. Pharrell can kiss his ass. Happy? No. And that song makes Dagen want to punch somebody in the face.
8:36:14 a.m. – Hannah Storm is the guest, but unfortunately not live in studio, so the Sports Hotness quotient is going to begin and end with Warner. She is on to promote her Face to Face Special in which she interviewed Dwayne Wade, Doc Rivers, and NBA Commissioner, Adam Silver. She also discusses the Oscar Pistorious trial. Not for nothing, but his pins got nothing on Ms. Storm’s. He may have PAID a million bucks, but hers LOOK like a million bucks.
EVEN WITHOUT AN EXPLODING BARBECUE GRILL, THIS GIRL IS…SMOKIN’.
9:07:34 a.m. – Imus says that he ‘Can’t see Warner in the monitor’…we wonder if it’s because he fell off the phone book. Bigfoot says it’s because he put the camera lens cap on. Sometimes, Warner likes to get naked in the studio and have Gunz massage his feet with Coconut Oil. Just to feel ‘pretty’.
SOMETIMES GUNZ DOES BOTH OF WARNER’S FEET WITH ONE HAND
HAVE A ZISSEN PESACH, A HAPPY EASTER, OR, IF YOU’RE AN ATHEIST, A NICE WEEKEND…AND we HOPE THAT
THE EASTER BUNNY HIDES THE MATZOH FOR YOU
VIDEO OF THE DAY :
THE DAAS CHOIR FROM DETROIT
IF THIS DOESN’T MAKE YOU ‘HAPPY’, YOU DON’T HAVE A HEARTBEAT