6:05:00 a.m. – The program begins with the news that Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Windsor, is FINALLY in labor. The ‘Great Kate Wait’ is over. The world is on their edge of its’ seat awaiting the blessed event…that is, everybody but The I-Man, who, initially, couldn’t be bothered by the idiotic hullabaloo…until Fox’s Official Anglo-ologist, Imogen Lloyd Weber, stops in to offer her thoughts. She says that the Royal birth is good for Britain, good for the world, and good for humanity. Now we can only hope that the baby comes out looking like a shoe.
ALTHOUGH NOT BIOLOGICALLY POSSIBLE, IT APPEARS THE NEW ROYAL BABY FAVORS CAMILLA PARKER BOWLES
6:07:13 a.m. – Warner is back from Israel! Like the I-Man says, “We love Gunz, but…” Exactly. There is just no substitute for The Wolf-Man. His style, his unique take, the way his smile just beams…the way he sings off key…the way he haunts my dreams…oh no, they can’t take that away from me…
RING A DING DING…THE CHAIRMAN OF THE SCOREBOARD IS BACK…
6:25:13 a.m. – The Bernie Briefing includes a report about a Tiny Penis contest that was held this past weekend in Brooklyn. We assume Blink 182’s ‘All The Small Things’ was the song used as the theme for the event. It is a unique competition, in that, if you win, you’re actually a ‘loser’.
IS THAT A ROLL OF TUMS IN YOUR POCKET? OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
6:40:18 a.m. – Bo is a No Go, it’s not that he won’t be with us No Mo’, he’s just on location…shooting either a small part in a movie, or another one of his Arby’s spots. Anthony Mason is here instead, a guest who is somewhat preferable to the aforementioned Mr. Dietl, in that, he actually speaks the English Language. Mr. Mason and the I-Man have a chat about ‘The Eagles’. Not just because today is Don Henley’s birthday, but it seems that Imus saw Nic Harcourt interview Joe Walsh on “Guitar Center Sessions” on The Audience Network, a Direct TV channel. Evidently, the interview was fabulous. Joe revealed his favorite Eagles song, which is ‘Hotel California’. He believes it to be the seminal moment of his career, as it’s hard to dispute the fact that, as the song goes…“You can check out anytime you like…but you can never leave…”
NOT SURE IF JOE IS JUST ‘REALLY INTO’ A WAILING GUITAR SOLO…OR IS ACTUALLY IN SOME KIND OF PAIN. NEVERTHELESS, ‘WE ARE ALL JUST PRISONERS HERE…OF OUR OWN DEVICE’
7:05:17 a.m. – Martha McCallum phones in from London, and informs us that, the Royal Birth will be commemorated with a 62 gun salute. When the I-Man wants to know why it’s 62 guns, Martha says she doesn’t know, but our crack research department is on the case. They have discovered that Gun salutes are customarily fired as a sign of respect or welcome, marking a special occasion. 21 guns are fired, as, originally, warships shot 7 gun salutes, the number 7 selected because of its astrological and Biblical significance. Land based cannons had a higher capacity for gunpowder, and so they were able to fire three guns for every shot fired on the water. At the Tower of London, 62 rounds are fired; the original 21, plus a further 20 because the Tower is a Royal Palace and Fortress, plus another 21 ‘for the City of London.’ We have just been informed that there are 41 shots on other occasions… we just have NO EFFING idea why.
HEY, NIGEL…DON’T AIM FOR THE BRIDGE
7:07:09 a.m. – The Boss reveals on TV that, at the top of the hour on the ‘radio side’ of the program, he discovered that Dr. Bill Evans, (who as you might recall, broadcast from The Wild Safari Animal Compound at Great Adventure Amusement Park last Friday) was bitten…by a sloth. We are somewhat confused, as we can’t, for the life of us, understand why Dr. Bill was not able to get out of its way, as Sloths are the slowest moving mammals in the Animal Kingdom. You could prepare a Paella, eat it, clean the kitchen afterwards and finish the last of the Sangria and STILL have time to avoid the “Three Toed Wrath” of this creature:
QUICK! RUN! THIS BITE ATTEMPT BEGAN AT 3:32 P.M…YESTERDAY.
7:40:01 a.m. – John DePetro is on to discuss the Whitey Bulger trial. We’re not sure what John could be thinking… especially that one of the key witnesses in the trial, Stephen ‘Stippo’ Rakes was found dead…mysteriously and suddenly. We know John is a radio talk show host…and so we humbly suggest that perhaps, in addition to having one of his interns ‘taste’ his coffee for him…he make sure that where he’s sitting in front of the microphone that he’s… ‘grounded’.
“DON’T TOUCH THIS DIAL…ESPECIALLY SEEING AS HOW YOU’RE SITTING IN A PUDDLE OF WATER”
7:55:01 a.m. – Bob Dole is…90 YEARS OLD today! Bernie mentions that he hasn’t seen him, but he’s probably still sucking down the Viagras, and ‘Gettin’ Busy Wit’ Lizzy’…his lovely wife of 37 years.
BOB DOLE, WORLD WAR II HERO…ALTHOUGH WE THINK BEING THE SPOKESPERSON FOR VIAGRA IS A FAR MORE IMPRESSIVE DISPLAY OF COURAGE
8:05:01 a.m. – Imogen Lloyd Weber is back to provide more commentary, re: The Royal Rug Rat. Imogen is one of the lovelier people on the planet…and quite atypical for a Brit…in that not only does she have a beautiful smile…she has impeccable, not to mention, ALL OF, her teeth.
THE ‘DENTALLY CHALLENGED’ AUSTIN POWERS“
ARE YOU…HORNY IMOGEN? YEAH, BABY!”
8:06:46a.m. – Imogen is ‘not amused’ by Bernie’s Queen Elizabeth impression, taking exception to his British Accent, which, she claims makes him sound like “Dick Van Dyke gone wrong.” She’s referring to Dick’s painfully pitiful cockney voice in Mary Poppins. We’re of the opinion that Mr. Van Dyke’s British dialect is not NEARLY as bad as Kevin Costner’s in ‘Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves’.
NOT ONLY DO WE THINK BERNIE’S ‘QUEEN ELIZABETH IS ‘SPOT ON’, HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HER, TOO
8:15:01 a.m. – The I-Man makes yet another futile attempt to convince Warner to go see ‘The Book of Mormon’, after reading an article in the New York Times about members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints taking to the Internet to research their faith, resulting in considerable doubts about their founder, Joseph Smith. We still don’t understand Broadway Musical Aficionado Warner’s resistance to the show, although he maintains he has a problem with the ‘Disrespect to God’. That didn’t stop him from seeing Harvey Fierstein as Tevye in ‘Fiddler on the Roof’, which was, to coin a Yiddish phrase, ‘A Shonda!’
ON THE LIST OF ‘OFFENSES TO GOD’ WHICH ONE IS MORE EGREGIOUS?
8:17:09 a.m. – Warner’s Sports Report: University of Florida linebacker Antonio Morrison was arrested for ‘Barking at a Police Dog’. Warner’s take? “Morrison’s defense was ‘The dog barked first.’” Oh, Warner, how we’ve missed you!
ANTONIO DOING HIS ‘POLICE DOG’ AT A COCKTAIL PARTY IMPRESSION
8:40:18 a.m. - Melissa Francis is on to discuss the Royal Baby as well. Melissa doesn’t understand why it’s taking so long for Duchess Kate to kick the kid out of her womb much like her mother kicked her out of the car.
“GET OUT…AND STAY OUT!!” ‘TWEETS’ THE MOTHER SPARROW
9:05:16 a.m. – It is revealed that Dr. Bill Evans was also bitten by an elephant seal…which prompts the I-Man to muse “What is it about the word ‘WILD’ in the term ‘WILD ANIMAL’ that you don’t understand?” He has no sympathy for our official “Meterolugewcxmpkqtist”, maintaining, Dr. Bill got what he deserved.
“HEY, BILL! YOU WANT A PIECE O’ ME? DON’T LET THE LONG NECK FOOL YOU, I WILL $%^# YOU UP! AND, BY THE WAY, WHEN IS THIS EFFING HEAT WAVE GONNA END? DON’T MAKE ME OPEN THIS DOOR…”
9:15:18 a.m. - The I-Man weighs in on the plethora of Big Budget, Box Office Flops that Hollywood has released this summer, not the least of which is Johnny Depp’s ‘The Lone Ranger’, who, as Tonto, looks like a Hood Ornament.
JOHNNY DEPP…WHO LOOKS LIKE HE JUST STEPPED OFF A ’64 IMPALA
VIDEO OF THE DAY
IN CASE YOU SHOULD EVER FIND YOURSELF IN A SITUATION WHERE YOU NEED TO IMPRESS IMOGEN LLOYD WEBER WITH YOUR FABULOUSLY GENUINELY AUTHENTIC SOUNDING BRITISH ACCENT: