Inside Imus Control Center

Rob & Tony's

Behind the Scenes Blog

-Wednesday, April 16-0 Comments
-Wednesday, April 16-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man asks Warner if he watches Sports Center. Ironically, our legendary Sportscaster is not a big fan of Sports Shows. He answers that he does, sometimes, but not the ...
-Tuesday, April 15-0 Comments
-Tuesday, April 15-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – Imus has had an epiphany when it comes to ‘It Might Be Elvis’. He has decided that HE will now pick the songs, and the panel will all make suggestions as to whic ...
-Monday, April 14-0 Comments
-Monday, April 14-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – The Knicks are officially ‘Out of It’ and between that, and Wyatt winning nearly a THOUSAND DOLLARS at the Ultimate Roping in Montgomery, Texas, the I-Man ...

Imus Ranch Foods

 

Recent Guests:
    Tuesday
    Feb262013

    Moses For the Heisman

    6:03:12 a.m.  –   Just before we go on the air, Rob makes the fatal mistake of asking the I-Man how he is feeling.  His attempt to head off an endless string of complaints about the daily series of I-Maladies is nipped in the bud.  “Don’t worry about how I’m feeling, fatso.” This is not out of empathy or actual concern for Imus’ health.  It has to do with the inevitability of Rob going back on the road to do a tour of all the “Yuk Palace” clubs in the Midwest.  Tony is much more subtle.  He merely holds a mirror underneath the Boss’ nose.  But not for the same reason Imus used to it in the 80’s. 

    LIFE WITHOUT IMUS

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   According to the Financial Times this morning, “72 is the new 30.”  “No, it’s not”, Imus says.  We would tend to agree with him.  Because if that was actually true, then he would be married to an 82 year old woman.

    THE KINDERGARTEN CLASS AT P.S. 208

    6:10:17 a.m.  –   Fats Domino is 85.  But he doesn’t look a day over 84.  Black don’t crack…but it is unusual for an overweight man to live that long.  Fats can’t afford to lose weight…nobody’s going to go see “Skinny Domino”.   The Rock n’ Roll legend has lived so long...he can no longer find his ‘thrill’…only because he doesn’t remember where he left it.

    WALKIN’ TO NEW ORLEANS?  I CAN’T EVEN WALK TO THE BATHROOM WITHOUT A CANE!”

    6:25:27 a.m. –  Jane Fonda looks good for 72.  Although admittedly, she has had work done.  As has Joan Rivers…who doesn’t look half bad herself…for an 80 year old Asian woman.

    “CAN WE TALK?”

    6:37:12 a.m. –    “You have to be nuts to get in a hot air balloon.”  This is Imus’ reaction to Connell’s story about the fatal accident that occurred in Egypt.  It obviously brings up bad memories for the I-Man.

    THE BOSS WAS STILL SMOKING BACK IN THOSE DAYS

    7:14:12 a.m. –  Brian Williams has a hair color not found in nature.  If you’re Brian Williams, why would you want to color your hair?  Related question: If you’re Don Imus why would you not want to get your eyebrows mown?

    THE I-MAN BEFORE HE GETS A TRIM IN THE MAKEUP ROOM

    7:17:32 a.m. -   Warner reports on Alabama offering a scholarship to a 14-year-old running back who is 6 foot 1, 215 pounds.  The boy’s name is Dylan Moses…which could be the single greatest name for a player in Football History.    This prompts Warner to do a fantasy  ‘Play by Play’… “There goes Moses, making the offensive line part like Red Sea!   Let his team mates go!   That dude is on fire like the Burning Bush!”

    MOSES POSES FOR THE HEISMAN

    7:37:59 a.m. –  The Great One, Mark Levin, Syndicated Radio Talk Show host is the guest.  Mark is, politically, what you would refer to as ‘Right Leaning.’   And by ‘Right Leaning’, we mean he thinks Attila the Hun was a ‘Liberal Weenie’.   Mark is on to praise the President for all his accomplishments over the past four years.  We don’t want to say that he’s a Right Wing Nut Job…but we do believe there’s an open file on him somewhere at Langley.

    THE DEFENDANT…IN HAPPIER TIMES

    8:05:18 a.m. –    Imus tells us all that he thinks Bo Dietl is great in the new Arby’s commercials where the Larger than Life, Runyonesque, Highly Opinionated Former New York Detective portrays…a Larger than Life, Runyonesque, Highly Opinionated, Former New York Detective.   Imus relates how difficult it is to play oneself.  In other words…the I-Man is NOT a self-absorbed, megalomaniacal, erratic, obsessive compulsive A-Hole.  He just plays one on TV.

    LAWRENCE OLIVIER AND THE I-MAN, IN ‘HAMLET’

    8:11:23 a.m. –  We learn that Brian Williams and Bob Beckel clearly share the same colorist: Crayola.

    WITH THE PATENTED ‘BECKEL/BRIAN’ APPLICTORS, ONLY YOUR HAIRSTYLIST WILL KNOW FOR SURE

    8:15:23 a.m. –  Warner reports that, as part of the Los Angeles Dodgers’ new 8 Billion Dollar TV deal, they will be broadcasting in 3 Languages:  “English, Spanish…and Korea.”  We know he means ‘Korean’, unless there is another Asian dialect of which we are not familiar.

    VIN SCULLY IS REALLY GOING TO ENJOY CALLING THESE GAMES

    8:38:45 a.m. –  The Great Mike Breen is on.  And we don’t use the term ‘Great’ loosely. In addition to being a great guest, and an even GREATER guy, there is no one better at doing NBA Play by Play, or when it comes to being funny…at the I-Man’s expense, of course.  Breen says he’s on to promote his new book:  The Bill O’Reilly inspired, ‘Killing Imus’…but unlike O’Reilly’s two historical treatises about the assassinations of Lincoln and Kennedy, “…this one has a HAPPY ending.”  Of course Mike is being facetious.  You could never write something with the title ‘Killing Imus’.   There would be too many suspects to fit into one book.

    MIKE BREEN, SINGING KARAOKE AT THE ESPN CHRISTMAS PARTY.  THE MAN DOES A KILLER RENDITION OF ‘LOCOMOTIVE BREATH’

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY:

    THE GREAT MIKE BREEN

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLjTxD9F5jw

    Monday
    Feb252013

    Warner Gets His Guarantee Privileges Revoked

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   “Lincoln fared better at Ford’s Theater than he did last night at the Oscars”.  The morning, and the week, get off to a brilliant start with Imus’ assessment of Spielberg’s biopic of the 16th President’s getting stiffed at the Academy Awards.   All we know is, after watching the show last night, we think Honest Abe was the lucky one.  We wish an actor had snuck behind us and pulled the trigger.  Jesus.

    “PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE, A GUY I JUST FREED…LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR. CHRIS ROCK!”

    6:06:17 a.m.  –   Lincoln wasn’t the only one who got the short end of the statue last night, Warner Wolf, in insuring a ‘Best Picture’ win for the movie, has his ‘Guarantee Privileges’ revoked by the I-Man.  Warner went 1 for 6 , a record that, by comparison, makes the Jacksonville Jaguars look like Vince Lombardi’s Green Bay Packers.

    THIS IS NOT TOMMY LEE JONES, SO…TURN YOUR SETS OFF THERE…

    6:15:27 a.m. –  “Did you ever drop something…and can’t believe how far it is from where you dropped it?  Everything ends up under the bed.”   Imus is referring to his Mont Blanc, which is somewhere on the set underneath the anchor desk.   If he had dropped it at home it would, indeed, be under the bed.  Which is where he usually hides…as he sometimes moonlights as ‘The Boogie Man’

    “MOMMY…THERE’S A SCARY COWBOY UNDER MY BED WHO WANTS TO KNOW IF YOUR PEACHES ARE FUZZY…”

    6:39:12 a.m. –    Bo Dietl observes that the tribute to James Bond at the Oscars last night was missing something…namely, James Bond.  Why the producers of the show decided that, instead of having all the actors who have played the role onstage for a reunion, they would just go with Shirley Bassey…is beyond us.

    “NO, YOU CAN’T  HAVE ANOTHER VODKA MARTINI…”

    7:02:44 a.m. –  “You can’t have a NASCAR driver named Kevin…”  Just like you can’t have a Gangsta Rapper named ‘Dwight’ or a Brain Surgeon named ‘Earl’.

    “I’M FIXIN’ TO SCRUB UP HERE, COS’ I GOT A ANTERIOR TEMPORAL AMYGALOHIPPOCAPECTOMY”   

    7:15:32 a.m. -   Imus reveals that he watched the E-Channel Red Carpet coverage last night.  Let’s repeat that, just in case you didn’t catch what we said:  Imus watched the E-Channel Red Carpet coverage last night.   In a related story, he ovulated right after they gave the Best Director Award to Ang Lee.  Who, by the way, he thought was  “Just fierce!”

    DEIRDRE WASN’T SURPRISED THAT THE I-MAN WAS UNUSUALLY BITCHY…BUT SHE DID NOTICE THAT HE WAS MORE BLOATED THAN USUAL

    8:05:18 a.m. –    Imus contacts the fruit of his loins, Wyatt, his son, to see what the 14 year old Rodeo Prodigy thought about Seth McFarland’s performance as Oscar Host last night.  The Wy-Man observes that McFarland clearly couldn’t do what he does on ‘The Family Guy’...which was…what?  Make us laugh?   We do understand young Imus’ point, and yes, he does, not surprisingly, possess more sense than his father, which, when you get to thinking about it…isn’t all that impressive.  Some imported cheeses have more sense than his father. 

    “OF COURSE MCFARLAND WASN’T GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO THE SAME MATERIAL HE GETS AWAY WITH ON FAMILY GUY…”

    8:10:18 a.m. –    “I will not be watching ‘Life of Pi’. “  Why not, I-Man?  “Does the Tiger talk?”   Um…no, but…he’s…a tiger.   “If he’s going to be animated, I want him to talk.  And I want him voiced by Chris Rock or Will Ferrell.” 

    “LOOK, AIN’T NOTHIN’ PERSONAL, BUT…IF WE GONNA BE SHARIN’ THIS BOAT, YOU’RE GONNA BE DOING SOME FISHIN’…COS’ I’M EITHER GONNA EAT ME SOME FISH…OR I’M GONNA EAT ME SOME…PI.”

    8:40:23 a.m. –   Greg Gutfeld, a member of the panel on Fox News’ ‘The Five’ and host of his own program, ‘Red Eye’ is on to provide his take on the Oscars.  He compares it to a ‘Nor’easter’:   If you know it’s going to be bad, then there’s no point in watching it.  And if you do watch it, then it’s on you.  We feel the same way about him on ‘The Five’.

    AUTHOR, TELEVISION HOST, AND MARK WALBERG STUNT DOUBLE, GREG GUTFELD

    9:05:45 a.m. –  The I-Man interviews Nat about his date this past Friday night, when he made dinner for his Match.com date.  Let’s just say…it wasn’t a ‘Love Connection.’    Nat says she may have some ‘Grooming Issues’…in that her hair ‘Smelled like Mothballs.’  At least the hair on her back.  She sounds like one of those ‘Crazy Cat Ladies’, and so the unkempt mane is not a surprise…once you’ve licked your hair…you can’t do a thing with it.

    NAT’S DATE LAST FRIDAY NIGHT.  NOT EXACTLY ‘PUSSY GALORE’…ALTHOUGH THERE WERE PLENTY OF THEM…

    9:15:45 a.m. –  Despite the debacle of his ‘Oscar Pick Guarantee’, Warner remains resolute in his support of ‘Lincoln’.  We can’t blame him for his loyalty…the bonds you form in High School last a lifetime.

    ANDREW JACKSON HIGH SCHOOL DEBATE TEAM: CLASS OF 1847 

    VIDEO OF THE DAY:

    Seth McFarland is a VERY funny man.

    Here’s proof:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P37gFmVGXIA

    Friday
    Feb222013

    Diane Macedo is Getting Married!

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   We always look forward to the first proclamation of the day.  This morning, it is the following:  “All weather people are out of their minds.”

    WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THE I-MAN IS TALKING ABOUT, THIS MAN IS CLEARLY A TRAINED PROFESSIONAL

    6:09:47 a.m.  –   The I-Man is now getting called for TV parts and commercials.  Apparently, there’s an outfit that would like him to be the spokesperson for investing in precious metals, and the producers of ‘The Office’ want him to play a part…he has declined both.  Rob wants to know if the people at ‘The Office’ would like someone to PLAY Imus, playing a part.

    NIELSEN GOLD

    6:10:17 a.m.  –   We learn that our top of the hour Business Anchor, Diane Macedo is getting married.  Those of you Die Hard I-Fans will remember Diane as the lead singer of ‘Tribeca Rhythm’, the winner of the Imus in the Morning Battle of the Bands from a few years ago.  She and her fiancée will be tying the knot in London, as he is British…and she is flying the band across the pond to perform at the reception.   She, however, will not be singing, as she will be busy performing her Bride duties…plus, that would be a little weird; A Wedding Singer singing at her own Wedding.  That would be like a Moyle doing his own circumcision.

    “HOLD THE BABY STILL WHILE I DO MYSELF FIRST.”

    6:15:27 a.m. –   Warner gives his Oscar picks and GUARANTEES that Lincoln will win Best Picture, Daniel Day Lewis Best Actor, and Tommy Lee Jones Best Supporting.  If he is wrong, he will then have his ‘Guarantee Card’ revoked.  Although Daniel Day Lewis will win for his portrayal of The Great Emancipator, and Tommy Lee Jones will win for his role as   abolitionist, Congressman Thaddeus Stevens, and we believe Spielberg will take the Best Director statue… ‘Argo’ is a lock for Best Picture.  Turn your sets off right there. 

    “IF YOU HAD LINCOLN SCORING LESS THAN 24 POINTS…YOU LOST!”

    6:29:44 a.m. –    Bernie has been playing clips from Comedy Central’s Anthony Chiseldick, whose material the I-Man has clearly been enjoying.  We have, too.  We just wonder what the over/under is before Imus starts saying things like… ‘Why can’t you two bastards be that funny?’    

    “Oscar Pistorious won't be able to talk his way out of this one. Some people just can't think on their feet.”

    7:05:12 a.m. –  Geraldo promos his radio program with the following:  “Does the case against ‘The Blade Runner’ have legs?”  Um…that’d be like Pat O’Brien saying… “The People Vs. Larry Flynt…rolls on.”

    “PAT O’BRIEN IS AN @$$HOLE”

    7:16:12 a.m. – Warner says ‘Amour’ is one of the most depressing films he’s ever seen…about an 80 year old woman who has a stroke and her husband euthanizes her with a pillow.  Turn your ventilators off there!

    “C’MON HONEY…IT’S BEDTIME.”

    7:22:44 a.m. – We learn that our adored Stage Manager, Nat Candido, is ‘Looking for Love’…on Match.com.  With the hours he keeps and the standards he has, it’s difficult for him to ‘Meet People’, but given our deep affection for him, we desperately want him to have a Fairy Tale Romance.  So we take up a collection to insure that, at the very least…he can get a ‘Happy Ending’. 

     C’MON, LADIES!  THIS MAN IS SWEET, FUNNY, HAS A JOB… A HEART AS BIG AS STATEN ISLAND…A JOB…NO KIDS….A JOB…AND WILL TREAT YOU LIKE A QUEEN…(AFTER HE COMES HOME FROM HIS JOB)…PLUS, HE’S A HUNKY DUDE WITH A PENIS LIKE A CAN OF PEPSI   (DID WE MENTION THAT HE HAS A JOB?)

    8:03:32 a.m. - During the break, Imus speaks to our favorite Crazy Weatherperson, Dr. Bill Evans…and it appears that he is having some ‘Sexy Talk’ with the ABC “Meterolxgphsytsveftist”.  “Hey Bill…what’re you wearing?” “Nipple clamps and a Pirate Hat.”   “What’re YOU wearing, Cowboy?”

    “I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TALK SEXY I-MAN…I FEEL A WARM FRONT COMING ON.”

    8:12:18 a.m. –  Connell reports on a death row inmate in Texas whose last words were, “Let’s go, Warden”.  The I-Man approves.  We speculate on what HIS final words will be…so far, leading the pack is, “Hey, Wyatt…what the hell are you doing with that My Pillow?”

    “YOU WANT ME TO FLUFF THAT FOR YOU, DADDY?”

    8:31:23 a.m. –   Bob Beckel, our guest, reveals that on this afternoon’s edition of the ‘The Five’, the panel will be discussing The Oscars, a conversation he will be taking part in, despite the fact that he’s not seen ANY of the nominated films.  In fact, he hasn’t been to a movie since ‘Seabiscuit’.  And he only saw that because he thought it was about a Naval Caterer.  We love Bob…he wears suspenders better than Larry King, and will say “&%$^” at the drop of a dime… because he’s too fat to bend over to pick it up.

    “I’D GO SEE ‘LINCOLN’ IN THE THEATER…IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE FACT THAT IT WOULD MAKE ME WISH THAT I WAS LINCOLN IN THE THEATER.”

    9:05:45 a.m. – Imus again announces Diane Macedo’s impending nuptials, and remarks that he’s extremely happy that her fiancée is attractive.  “That way we won’t have any jug-eared babies…because there ARE some ugly babies out there.”

    THE LOVE CHILD OF FRANK LUTZ & ANDREA MITCHELL

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY:

    THE VERY FUNNY ANTHONY CHISELDICK

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AQDmRpEASk 

     

    Thursday
    Feb212013

    The Mensa Meeting Mach II

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   This morning will see the “The Imus in the Morning Mensa Meeting” Mach II.  Today’s panel featuring Deirdre, Lis Wiehl, Bernie and Alan Colmes.  So it could technically be called ‘Blonde on Blonde on Bald on…Beastly.”  

    LET’S TALK ABOUT…ABORTION!

    6:10:17 a.m.  –   The I-Man, in an uncharacteristic display of OCD, wants to know whether Clive Davis signed Janis Joplin BEFORE Big Brother and the Holding Company recorded ‘Cheap Thrills’, or if the record was already ‘In the can’, and then he edited ‘Piece Of My Heart’.   It’s Whittaker Chambers time again, KIDS. Unfortunately, as Rob attempts to research the information, the only articles Google throws at him have to do with Clive’s revealing that he’s a bisexual. 

    CLIVE DAVIS…LOOKING AN AWFUL LOT LIKE NEIL SEDAKA…AND JANIS JOPLIN WITH…A DRINK. A VERY RARE PHOTO

    6:15:27 a.m. –  Connell reports that Nike has dropped Oscar Pistorious as a celebrity endorser.  Imus wants to know why an athletic shoe company would want a guy with no legs to be a spokesperson.  We agree…it would kinda be like him doing an ad for vodka back in the early 80’s.

    STOLI:  IT’S ‘IMUS-RIFFIC’

    6:37:12 a.m. –    The great NASCAR legend, Darrell Waltrip is on to discuss the Daytona…um…nope.  Brooks and Dunn.  It’s only the biggest NASCAR race of the season, and it’s not like the man would have any interesting perspective to share on Danica Patrick or the new cars.   We wonder if the I-Man is going to ask D.W. if he knows when Clive Davis signed Janis Joplin.

    D.W. SINGS ‘PIECE O’ MY HEART’

    7:02:44 a.m. –  Deirdre won’t let the I-Man take his ‘Deer Antler Spray’, as she says there is some research to suggest that it might cause cancer.  Of course, only cancer in Deer, but…it never hurts to be safe.

    “I DON’T FEEL WELL.  I SHOULDN’T HAVE USED THAT SPRAY IMUS RECOMMENDED”

    7:15:32 a.m. -   Warner reports on Seattle Mariners prospect Nick Franklin, who, at 6 foot 1 and 162 pounds, was a little light to get the power behind his hitting and throwing he desired, and so went on a 6500 calorie a day diet…or, as Rob likes to call it, ‘Breakfast’.  Warner shares that the way Franklin maintained the caloric intake was by eating ‘Chipertly’ Mexican food.  Of course he means ‘Chipotle.’   What he doesn’t know is that the only reason Franklin eats there is because there are no “Fie Esda Taco Queer ee yas” in Seattle.  But he does enjoy the Chichi Mangas there.

    A ‘BURLEEDO’ FROM CHPERTLY

    7:37:59 a.m. –  This week’s anticipated ‘Mensa Meeting’ begins with a game of ‘Musical Chairs’.   Imus is unhappy with the seating arrangements.  They didn’t have this much trouble at the Hatfield/McCoy wedding.

    FROM LEFT: LIS, BERNARD, THE I-MAN, DEIRDRE AND ALAN COLMES

    7: 38:12 a.m. -   Before the festivities begin, Imus has some ‘Breaking News’:   Bill O’Reilly’s announcement of his new book:  “Killing Jesus”.   Interestingly enough, that wasn’t the original title for the book, but due to the trouble Bill experienced with historical accuracy when he published “Killing Lincoln”, “The Day Christ Was Shot was rejected.     

    PROPOSED COVER ART OF BILL O’REILLY’S  ‘THE DAY CHRIST WAS SHOT’    TURNS OUT, KINKY FRIEDMAN WAS RIGHT.

    8:05:18 a.m. –    Imus discusses Danica Patrick’s failed marriage to her massage therapist:  “You could’ve seen how that wasn’t gonna work out.  She’s Danica Patrick and HE’S some dope in a towel.”   So what are you saying, Imus?  That, unlike most situations with ‘Massage Therapists’, there wasn’t going to be a ‘Happy Ending’?

    “HONEY, I THINK IT’S TIME WE STARTED RUBBING OTHER PEOPLE”

    8:31:23 a.m. –   Imus on the cover story of the New York Post regarding Rob Morrison’s resignation from CBS News and then trip to the Buffalo Wild Wings in Stamford, Connecticut to start drinking:  “Always a good idea to do an interview with a reporter when you’re drinking at the bar…”   Well, it’s better than drinking and then doing an interview…on the air.

    “HEY, STEPHANOPOULIPINIS…!  HEY STEPHANOPAPOPPANOOS…! HEY…GEORGE!   I LOVE YOU MAN…”

    8:38:45 a.m. – During the Briefing, Bernard reveals that a recent study suggests that while traveling by air, passengers should not stifle their urges and go right ahead and pass gas during the flight.   But only if you’re in coach. 

    “PARDON ME, STEWARDESS…BUT, YOU COULD YOU BRING ME ANOTHER BAG OF PEANUTS…AND UH…PULL MY FINGER?”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY:

    BOOGITY BOOGITY BOOGITY…LET’S GO RACIN’!

    IN HONOR OF THE GREAT DARRELL WALTRIP

    THE GREAT ‘RICKY BOBBY’

    “IF YOU’RE NOT FIRST, YOU’RE LAST”

    “SHAKE N’ BAKE!”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuAUI_0knfk 

    Wednesday
    Feb202013

    Local News Anchors

    6:05:00 a.m.  – The I-Man begins the morning with an anecdote about a conversation he had with Kinky Friedman yesterday.  The Kinkster, apparently, at a Mexican Restaurant in Kerrville, Texas, enjoying some Huevos Rancheros with a local DJ, received a call from his old pal Imus,  who rang just to inform “Big Dick” Friedman that he had Kix Brooks on the program, and “He can’t sing anymore either.”   We believe that the ‘either’ part of the statement was lost on Kinky as he then asked the Boss if he would “Say hello” to his radio friend.   Um…how long has Mr. Friedman known Don Imus?  Is there any chance, that anywhere, on any planet or any alternative universe, where the I-Man would be inspired to grant a request to communicate with some ‘Up and Coming’ Disc Jockey?   He hangs up on Kinky just as the phone gets passed to the excited Radio Hopeful.   It’s an awkward moment, akin to a young baseball fan, asking Mickey Mantle for an autograph only to have the Mick slam the window of the Team Bus on the kid’s fingers.   Welcome to Big Time Radio, Douche Nozzle.  Go do an air check and LEAVE IMUS ALONE.

    CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?   UM…CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?  HELLO?  IMUS?

    6:10:17 a.m.  –  Imus gets upset with the Traffic Guy, Jeff… First, he won’t respond to the I-Man’s attempt to engage him in conversation during the report, and secondly, he’s irritated that Jeff is ‘Yelling’ too loudly…something which we find to be incredibly ironic as the Old Cowboy is about as deaf as Marlee Matlin.  We find the perspective somewhat interesting… a week ago, Imus feared he was going to die from Throat Cancer.  This week, the Traffic Dude shouting is causing him the exact same amount of distress.   You can’t make it up.

    “WHAT’D THE TRAFFIC GUY SAY?”  “HE SAID ‘GO TRUCK YOUR ELF” “WHAT?” “GO TRUCK YOUR ELF…’”  “A TRUCK?  IS IT IN TRAFFIC?” 

    7:12:44 a.m. – Responding to the controversial story about local CBS News Anchor Rob Morrison’s role in some domestic abuse. , the I-Man muses that “You never know what’s going on with these local news anchors.  They come in two flavors:  One who’s on his way up…and one on his way out who hates the newcomer.”   We believe there’s a third:  ‘One who has some kind of physical deformity that is so distracting…you can’t HELP but watch.’

    IS THAT A PIECE OF CORN IN YOUR MOUTH, OR ARE YOU JUST LOSING ANOTHER TOOTH? 

    7:37:59 a.m. –  Blonde on Blonde.  The boss begins the line of questioning by bringing up the Morrison story.  A bold move by the I-Man, as we suspect that he, himself, is the victim of domestic abuse.  He maintains that there are thousands of women in the suburbs who wear scarves and sunglasses to hide the evidence of physical violence…which leads us to wonder…just what is he covering up with that cowboy hat?

    IF WE LOOKED LIKE THAT, WE’D WEAR A HAT, TOO

    7:41:18 a.m. –    The Second topic is the story about the girl who is suing her parents for the right to have her baby against their wishes.  Nothing like a brisk conversation about abortion to start the day, eh?  Good morning!  Enjoy your breakfast.   Sure hope you’re not having eggs.  We were going to have some ourselves…but decided to choose ‘Life.’  And by that, we mean the cereal.

    WE OPT FOR THIS NUTRITIOUS BREAKFAST…IN LIEU OF THIS:

    IT’S A CHICKEN…NOT A CHOICE

    8:05:23 a.m. –   “The worst cocaine I ever bought was from the Weasel  who used to hang out at ‘The Lion’s Head’ selling what we disparagingly called Weasel Dust.. He cut it with Carpet Fresh or maybe powdered laxative.”    It’s charming to listen to The Boss going down memory lane, fondly remembering his days with Kinky Friedman.  Most people reminisce about the first time they walked into Yankee Stadium, or the birth of their children, or the happy days they spent with a dear old Grandfather who used to play ‘Got Yer Nose’ with them…this Grandfather waxes nostalgic about some dealer playing ‘Got Yer Nose’ with some bad dope.

    8:07:45 a.m. –  “Breaking news…this just in…”  these words from Connell cause the I-Man to lose it…and demands to know if it is INDEED ‘Breaking’ news.  Did it JUST happen?  He’s demanding some journalistic integrity.   Here’s some breaking news:  “Fox Business Anchor Chokes Radio Legend For Refusing to SHUT UP”.  Film at 11. 

    ALL THINGS CONSIDERED, IT’S BETTER THAN ‘BREAKING WIND’

    8:11:23 a.m. –   Imus goes out on a limb and condemns the reprehensible actions of Rob Morrison.  “Don’t choke your wife…choke your chicken.”  This is sage advice, as it has been revealed that Morrison enjoying spending most of his evenings with a couple cocktails and some internet porn.  Apparently, the argument that caused the dispute between the CBS anchor and his bride came after they watched the Julia Roberts movie ‘Mystic Pizza’.  Tony has actually eaten the pizza.  Rob has actually seen the movie.  Tony says he enjoyed the pizza…Rob says the movie made him want to choke Julia Roberts to get his 8 bucks back for the ticket.

    IT’S PIZZA THAT…CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE

    8:17:45 a.m. –  Continuing on this Local News Anchor rant…the I-Man postulates that Bill Ritter, who can be seen here on WABC’s ‘Eyewitness News’    “…has a  Gag Ball in his mouth on the weekends.  I guarantee it…out in the woods with a leather mask on, trying to get a hold of Stuart Varney...”

    BILL RITTER: S&M, B&D AND   STUART VARNEY FAN

    8:40:23 a.m. –   Journalist, Political Analyst AND I-Fave, Juan Williams is on…Imus says that he is surprised to learn that Mr. Williams receives 20 thousand dollars to speak.  Mr. Williams asks what the I-Man gets.  Imus doesn’t have any idea…he usually gets paid to just shut up.

    JUAN DOESN’T LOOK HAPPY.  BUT FOR ONLY 20 K, HE WILL TELL YOU WHY…WHICH, IN TURN, WILL MAKE HIM SMILE

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY:

    THE GREATEST NEWS ANCHOR OF ALL TIME

    RON BURGUNDY

    THE GREAT WILL FERRELL IN  ‘ANCHORMAN’

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qN-_cZNDy0w