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Deirdre's Corner

Don't forget to catch Deirdre on Psychos, Monday and Thursday at 7:35am and Blonde on Blonde, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning! 


Vaxxed: From Cover-Up to Catastrophe - As a children's health advocate dedicated to raising awareness of and protecting children from the numerous toxins in this world, I cannot strongly enough recommend the film “Vaxxed: From Cover-Up to Catastrophe.”  Read more...

 Celebrating 15 Years Protecting Children's Health & the Environment

 The Deirdre Imus Environmental Health Center®  - When you are among the first voices to speak out on an issue, it’s difficult to know if anyone is listening. When I founded The Deirdre Imus Environmental Health Center® at Hackensack University Medical Center fifteen years ago, concern about our children's health being impacted by toxic exposures in the environment was not the hot button, trendy issue it is today.  Read more...

 

Deirdre's Dish Pick

 

 

Carrot Cake - Recipe by Deirdre Imus, The Imus Ranch: Cooking for Kids and Cowboys - Rich in vitamin A, beta-carotene, and phytochemicals, carrots are a nutrition powerhouse that help boost the immune system and fight off infection. Baked in this moist, dense cake, of course, they are also naturally sweet and delicious. Since this cake is dense, a small slice will satisfy, but it will also stay moist and fresh for several days if covered airtight and stored a room temperature.

If you have a fond memory from your childhood about some of the dishes we post please let us know by emailing us at Dimus@hackensackumc.org or contact us here, we would love to hear your story.

 

Deirdre's Book Pick Of The Week

 

Vegan for Her by Virginia Messina - a blueprint for optimal health and wellness at any age, will show you how to: lower your risk for breast cancer and heart disease; manage conditions like arthritis and migraines; diminish PMs and cramps; build strong bones for life; enhance fertility; make an easy transition to a vegan diet; and incorporate principles of both fashion and compassion into your home and wardrobe.


    Support The Deirdre Imus Environmental Health Center

The Deirdre Imus Environmental Health Center® is devoted to the health and well-being of children, their parents and the general public. Donations to the Environmental Health Center will support research on children's environmental health.

 

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Inside Imus Control Center
The Imus Ranch Foundation

With the closing of The Imus Ranch For Kids with Cancer, The Imus Ranch Foundation was formed to donate 100% of all donations previously devoted to The Imus Ranch for Kids with Cancer to various other charities whose work and missions compliment those of the ranch. The initial donation from The Imus Ranch Foundation was awarded to Tackle Kids Cancer, a program of The HackensackUMC Foundation and the New York Giants.  In addition, once the Imus Ranch for Kids with Cancer is sold, 100% of those funds will be contributed to The Imus Ranch Foundation.

Warner's Sports Corner

Raptors Stun Cavs Again - The Raptors tied the series at 2-2 with a 105-99 victory against Cleveland on Monday, and what once looked like an easy series for the Cavaliers on their way to the NBA Finals has turned into a tight contest.

Tony Gwynn's family files wrongful death suit against tobacco industry - The family of Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn has filed a wrongful death lawsuit against tobacco companies, saying Gwynn was urged to use the smokeless tobacco that eventually led to the cancer that killed him.
Tom Brady files petition for suspension case rehearing - Tom Brady's lawyers filed a petition Monday for a rehearing of his suspension case against the NFL before the U.S. Second Circuit Court of Appeals in New York.

St. Louis Cardinals beat Chicago Cubs - Randal Grichuck hit a tiebreaking solo homer in the ninth to lift the St. Louis Cardinals to a 4-3 win over the Chicago Cubs on Monday night.

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    Thursday
    Mar262015

    Mr. Gunzelman, Brothel Inspector

    6:06:06 a.m. –   Dwight Yoakam has challenged the I-Man to a Chess Match, an idea that The Boss finds laughable.  He sneers disdainfully at the Tight Dungaree Cowboy for the mere notion that hewould even CONSIDER something so idiotic.  It would be like Gunz Challenging Ronda Rousey to a Steel Cage Match.  “He wouldn’t last 40 moves with me. “

    “I’M CASTLING MY KING, MOTHERF**KER!  GET OUT OF THAT, BITCH!”

    “…CHECK”

    6:11:06 a.m. –   “I’d beat Willie Nelson’s ass too.   I’d take him out in about 4 moves.” , the Boss continues.   That is,  as long as the I-Team was playing at home.  If Willie had the ‘Bus Advantage’, it would be difficult to see the board through the cloud of Dope Smoke.

    WILLIE, THE ORIGINAL ‘CLOUD CHASER’

    6:09:18 a.m. – Imus reveals that he is sicker than 9.3 Dogs.  In fact, he feels so bad that, when he woke up at 3:30 this morning, he was actually planning to call in to say that he wouldn’t be coming to work, but he realized there was no one he could call , except for Carley and Connell.  He wouldn’t even attempt to get Bigfoot on the phone, as he rightfully assumed that Bowman wouldn’t be in the Control Room.  He then calls for Bigfoot, and Jessica puts up a shot that reveals…an empty seat.  As everyone who’s ever hunted a Bigfoot already knows…they are extremely hard to catch.

    “THESE ARE FRESH.  BOWMAN WAS JUST HERE…”

    6:12:18 a.m. – Bigfoot finally gets to work, and apologizes, claiming he was ‘Stuck in the Tunnel.’   It was probably a cave in on the one he’s digging with a spoon in the basement of the News Corp Building in an attempt to ‘Escape’.

    TOM ‘ALMOST MADE IT’ , BUT STEVE MCQUEEN CHOKED WHEN THE I-MAN STARTED RANTING

    6:40:14 a.m. –  Richard Haass is on to talk about Yemen.  He describes what’s going on over there as a Classic Civil War, a Proxy War, a Regional War.   Just so we’re clear, Dicki…you’re saying its’…a war?  WAR!  Good God!  What is it good for!  Absolutely.  NOTHIN’.   Say it again now!

    EDWIN STARR FROM THE MUSIC VIDEO OF HIS MOTOWN HIT,

     ‘WAR (WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?)’

    6:42:27 a.m. –  Mr. Haass goes on to say that he fears that Yemen will end up being a failed state, or, as he likes to call it, Ungoverned Spaces, where Terrorism can easily take root, much as plaque can get under your gums and cause Mr. Tooth Decay.  Which, from what we can see, has already happened with the Yemeni.

    ALMOST AS BAD AS THE BRITISH

    7:05:10 a.m. –  Mr. Imus says that he will be watching ‘Killing Jesus’ on the Nat Geo channel, which, we believe, is a strange choice of network for the airing, as the National Geographic Channel’s target audience is adolescent boys looking to catch a glimpse of Aborigine Nipple.  The I-Man says he only read part of O’Reilly’s book, because he got irritated and doesn’t know why, (This month’s Theme:  ‘I Don’t Know Why’) however, WE think we know why.  It’s because his name isn’t mentioned anywhere in the text. 

    ‘GOD’S OTHER SON’ GETS A LIFT FROM HIS BIG BROTHER J.C.

    7:16:46 a.m. – After whining about not having a copy of Dwight Yoakam’s new album ‘Second Hand Heart’, but then Lou finds a few tunes from it online, one of which, is the ‘Title Tune’, prompting the Boss to comment that, more often than not, the Title Track from an album is usually not the best song on the record.  He offers, as a glaring example, Lucinda Williams’ ‘Down Where the Spirit Meets The Bone’, which, we find a moot point, as NONE of the songs on the album are the best ones.  Just like the Title Track from Abbey Road.

    JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, AND DWIGHT

    7:19:44 a.m. – Ashley reports that there may be a job opening for Gunz in Germany, where they are looking for a ‘Brothel Inspector’, someone to check the sanitary conditions and health of the hookers.   Why does Ashley believe that Gunz is perfect for this position?  The German Want Ad reads:  ‘No Experience Necessary’, which, Lord knows,  applies to Mr. Gunzelman. 

    “THERE ISN’T A WORKING GREASE TRAP IN THE KITCHEN, SO I HAVE TO GIVE THIS BROTHEL  A… ‘C’.  SORRY, LADIES… BUT I CAN BE PERSUADED TO CHANGE MY GRADE WITH A LITTLE… ‘ENCOURAGEMENT’.”

    “NEIN, DANKE, SIE STIEFMÜTTERCHEN.  WIR BLEIBEN MIT DER KLASSE ‘C’”

    (No thanks, Pansy.  We’ll stick with the ‘C’)

    7:40:18 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE  or, as we like to call it, MAYBE WATERBOARDING  ISN’T ALL THAT BAD AFTER ALL.   The ladies talk about, among other things, ‘Genetically Modified Foods’, which, naturally, Enviro-Barbie is against, although Lis Wiehl says she would happily eat a tomato that had flounder DNA in it.  Which plays into the next topic, where a new Documentary about the Childhood Obesity Epidemic reveals a lack of availability of good, nutritious foods in poor communities, such as those in Mississippi.  Deirdre calls into question Lis’ ‘Skinny Legs’ and we don’t know if it’s because her dietary habits include GMOs or unhealthy comestibles, because they were screaming so loud over each other, we couldn’t hear the inspiration for the comment.  The I-Man concurs that Lis DOES have ‘Skinny Legs’, which is a complete 180 for him.  Usually, it’s the ‘FAT’ legs he focuses on.

    “DOES THIS DRESS MAKE MY LEGS LOOK SKINNY?”  

    ACTUALLY, WE THINK LIS’ OLIVE OYL MATCHSTICK GAMS…ARE KINDA HOT

    8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man got FOOD on his shirt!  It has begun.  The Prophecy of Wyatt has come to pass.  The Boss is beginning the short journey toward the oatmeal falling out of his mouth.   Nat comes to the rescue with a ‘Shout It Out’ Pen.  Which is the PERFECT solution for the I-Man’s problem…because he’s so effing DEAF.

    “LET ME GET SOME ‘SHOUT’, BRO.”   “WHAT?”  “I’M GOING TO GET SOME SHOUT TO REMOVE THAT STAIN ON YOUR SHIRT.”  “WHAT?”   

    “I’M GOING TO GET SOMETHING TO TAKE THE F**KING STAIN OUT OF YOUR F**KING SHIRT, YOU DEAF OLD F**K!”

    8:16:32 a.m. –  Imus wisely observes that “People are Crazier than they used to be.”  He says this just prior to Promoting Mary Matalin’s appearance coming up at the bottom of the hour.  Coincidence?  Who’s to say?

    MARY MATALIN: BATSH#T CRAZY

    8:40:16 a.m. – Mary Matalin is on the phone, and she does NOT want to go down the ‘Used to Work For That War Criminal, Draft Dodging, Friend’s Face Shooting Dick Cheney’ Road, as the I-Man attempts to lead her there.  We suspect Mary may have already been in the cooking Sherry…after all, she IS in New Orleans, and it’s 7:40 a.m. there, which is already two hours after what they call their 5 O’clock.  (Happy Hour Starts in the morning, continues through the day, and most of the night, taking off just 20 Minutes around 4:15 a.m. to change the Beer Kegs)  Laissez Les Bon Temps Roule!   She makes the following statement:  “Ted Cruz is a genius.”  Obviously, Mary is drinking for two this morning.

    “I LOVE THE SMELL OF MERLOT IN THE MORNING…IT SMELLS LIKE…A FRENCHMAN’S MUSTACHE.”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE AUSTRALIAN GUNZ, WITH

     ‘INSPECTOR’S FUNNIEST BROTHEL VIDEOS’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9iVK58j4_U 

    Wednesday
    Mar252015

    Sam Jones

    6:05:16 a.m. –   “I want my money Bitch.” Is how the Boss begins the program this morning, referring to the Will Ferrell video about the Landlord that put Funny or Die on the map.   Mr. Ferrell was interviewed on ‘Off Camera With Sam Jones’ on Direct TV’s Audience Channel.  Mr. Smith is a photographer, and the I-Man doesn’t know if he’s as good as Mark Seliger, or, for that matter, Annie Liebowitz, but he likes Mr. Smith as an interviewer, yet he doesn’t know why.   

    WELL, WE THINK WE KNOW WHY.

    6:07:14 a.m. –  Ted Cruz was on with Sean Hannity last night, and, although Imus didn’t see it, he heard that it was sickening.  Now he knows how we feel when he interviews Frank Luntz.

     

    TED CRUZ DOPPELGANGER, MR. HANEY FROM ‘GREEN ACRES’ OFFERS TO HELP SENATOR CRUZ’S CAMPAIGN: 

    “SO I HEAR TELL YOU WANNA BE THE PRESIDENT.  WELL, IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT I GOT A NOMINATION ON THE TRUCK HERE, THAT I CAN LET YOU HAVE FOR FORTY FIVE DOLLARS.”

    6:18:14 a.m. –  The I-Man reads in Rolling Stone, (he doesn’t know why, but he’s perusing an article about Bill Withers…it seems this ‘Not Knowing If or Why’ thing is a chronic condition), and discovers that Dwight Yoakum has a new record, ‘Second Hand Heart’, and he wants a copy of it. NOW.  He texts Dwight, threatening him with violence if he doesn’t send it and expects a reply sometime later this afternoon, but Dwight responds within 5 seconds, which means that Dwight is up at 3 A.M. on the West Coast.  What’s impressive is that, while he’s hanging upside down like a bat, Dwight is still able to text.

    MUSICIANS LEAD COMPLICATED LIVES.  DWIGHT’S JUST HAPPENS TO BE NOCTURNAL

    6:22:44 a.m. –  Ashley reports that 3G Capital, a Brazilian Private Equity Firm, has purchased Kraft foods and plans to merge it with Heinz.  “So you can have your Mac & Cheese with Ketchup.”  Ashley says excitedly.  Because you know how those Brits are experts on…cuisine.

    THE BRITISH VERSION INCLUDES BANGERS, AND NOT THE KIND YOU NEED A CONDOM FOR.  ALTHOUGH, YOU MIGHT WANT TO USE ONE IF YOU’RE PLANNING ON PRACTICING ‘SAFE SAUSAGE’

    6:40:14 a.m. –  Congressman Peter King is on, who, like the I-Man, is not a fan of Ted Cruz, and says that he is going to New Hampshire, to explore the possibility of running for president.   Imus basically tells Congressman King that he has about as much chance at becoming president as Gunz has of having sex with Bar Rafaeli.

    THERE WILL BE PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST, BILL COSBY WILL BUY A STARBUCKS, AND THE BEATLES WILL GET BACK TOGETHER BEFORE THIS HAPPENS

    7:05:10 a.m. –  Fran Wood sends an Email to the I-Man, claiming that she rolled her eyes when she first heard Deirdre going on about the abundance of Plastic in the Oceans, and then she heard about it on NPR, and then later in the day, read an article about the very same thing, and so she said Deirdre was ‘ABOSLUTELY RIGHT’ about what she was talking about.  Thanks Fran.  Here’s a little suggestion:  You stay out of the goings on of our Radio and Television Program, and we won’t attempt to paint ‘art’ that looks like it was created in Occupational Therapy at the Mental Hospital.

    FRAN’S ‘BOY FINDING PLASTIC IN OCEAN’  SHE MADE IT LAST WEEK WHEN ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE IN HER GROUP WERE EATING THE CRAYONS

    7:16:46 a.m. – Imus has been saying all morning that he would definitely vote for Donald Trump for President.  We can’t decide if this is genius…or disturbing.  Unless of course, he chooses Omarosa as his running mate.

    A TRUMP / MANIGAULT TICKET FOR 2016

    7:19:44 a.m. –   The I-Man has also been talking about a Letter to the Editor in the New York Times that Deirdre pointed out to him regarding the subject of Fat Shaming, and how the obsession with, and defining people by, their weight results in poor self-esteem, body image and sense of worth.  He says he now actually FEELS BAD that he calls people ‘Fat’.  Stupid, however…is still on the books.

    “YOU ARE REALLLLLLLLY…STUPID.”

    7:40:18 a.m. – As Lis Wiehl is ill, PSYCHOS III , a bonus edition, is replacing Blonde on Blonde this morning, despite the fact that tomorrow will be PSYCHOS II , but we assume the Boss is going ‘Tarantino Style’ with the format of the program this week.  On the panel this morning, Deirdre and Dagen, PSYCHO veterans, and newcomers Michael Riedel and Arthur Aidala.  Riedel begins the conversation by suggesting that the Democrats need to run someone against Hillary, because the idea of a ‘Hillary Coronation’ makes him crazy, Arthur Aidala bemoans the breakdown of the ‘Family’, because Baseball games are so expensive… (um…a stretch?  That’s really the reason?  We thought it was that child support was so expensive)  Deirdre’s beef, (sorry, we know she’s Vegan)  is that she will ask the I-Man if he’s hungry, he will say ‘No’, and so she prepares something for herself and Wyatt, and then the Boss will come around and sit next to the table like the dog, giving his wife ‘The Virgil Face’.   Which is yet more canine behavior for her husband, besides the barking and the ‘marking’ his territory in the living room with Urine.  Dagen  is pissed off at herself for watching the Real Housewives, and spending time with vapid, botoxed, women, getting drunk and getting into fights. We assume it’s because she could better spend that same time getting drunk and getting into fights herself.

    NOTHING BEATS A GOOD CATFIGHT

    8:15:10 a.m. – The Conversation turns, once again, to the Republican Presidential Candidates, and Imus weighs in, (so to speak) on Chris Christie,  who he deems a ‘Fat Loser’.   Actually, it was a ‘Fat, Disloyal, Ungrateful Ingrate Loser’.  Which is absolutely not true.  He’s a ‘Morbidly Obese, Disloyal, Ungrateful, Ingrate Loser.’    So much for eschewing the ‘Fat Shaming’.   (See what we did there?  It reminds you of the phrase ‘Chewing the Fat’.  Because…oh, forget it.  You’re all fat stupid bastards.)

    HE’D THROW HIS HAT IN THE RING…BUT HE ATE IT.

    8:35:00 a.m  –  Bill O’Reilly is on, but can’t stay, because he has to go on ‘Fox n’ Fiends’, as the Boss hilariously calls it.  Bill’s on to promote the airing of the movie adaption of his Best Seller KILLING JESUS , which had some interesting new information, such as Christ was 36 and NOT 33 when He was crucified, which, makes a huge difference, because…um…we’re not sure why.  But at least the Crucifixion part is still correct, and Bill didn’t find out that Jesus wasn’t shot in the back of the head from the grassy knoll by the Mafia because He was messing with the Mob’s money.  However, it was still the Italians, (Romans) and they WERE upset that he was messing with their money.  Mr. O’Reilly found that the motive for His death was “ All about the money.”    We’re just surprised that Jesus, as He was a fisherman, wasn’t sent to go sleep with them.

    THE I-MAN DIDN’T READ ‘KILLING JESUS’, BECAUSE WHEN HE LOOKED IN THE INDEX, HE DIDN’T SEE HIS NAME, DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE WAS THE ENTERTAINMENT AT THE LAST SUPPER

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    SAM JONES

     

    SEE WHAT ALL THE IMUS FUSS IS ABOUT

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fy6PHf4oR-Y 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITBs4orCI4U 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uZZASltn8s 

    http://offcamera.com/#watch-free 

    And check out the website:

     

    https://www.directv.com/tv/Off-Camera-with-Sam-Jones-UzJxcVdKR09SdHlGby9GckxSaXJvUT09 

    Tuesday
    Mar242015

    The I-Man Decides He's Sick

    6:06:12 a.m. –    We learn that Warner is going to be on PSYCHOS  this morning.  Which is a shock to all of us.  Not because he’s on the panel, but…that it took this long.  Ol’ ‘Pop Fly’ is certifiable.

    “LET ME GO!  THE TEAM NEEDS ME!  I HAVE TO HIT THE WALK OFF HOME RUN AND WIN THE PENNANT FOR BROOKLYN!”

    6:09:18 a.m. – Dagen reports that the NFL is going to broadcast an ‘Internet Only’ game this season.  Warner follows up and says it will be the Bills vs. the Jaguars, which, on the surface, doesn’t appear to be that exciting a game, but Imus offers that Buffalo is supposed to be good this year.  Warner counters: “They have no Quarterback.”   The boss is confused.  Warner means that they don’t have an ACCEPTABLE Quarterback.  Not that there will be an empty space behind the center.  Although, that WOULD make for a very exciting game, as every snap would be a fumble.

    THE WAY WARNER SEES THE BILLS

    6:40:44 a.m. –   Mike Baker is on, and we suspect that the C.I.A. has reinstated their L.S.D. program…because he says he admires Ted Cruz’s personal stance…that he thinks he’s got conviction and stands behind it.  We’ll excuse you while you kiss the sky, Mike.  After the interview, he comes back and tells us he thinks that “I-Man’s face is melting.”   But that’s not the L.S.D. talking.  It actually does look like it’s melting.   Because he doesn’t feel well.

    “NO, NUMBNUTS…I’M NOT RIDING A UNICORN. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ON?”

    7:05:12 a.m. –  The I-Man is not happy with his hair this morning.  Theresa comes in to do a ‘Pit Stop’, brush and spray in hand…but it’s clear it’s tantamount to having ashtrays on the Hindenburg. 

    WE DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S COMPLAINING ABOUT.  WE THINK HIS HAIR LOOKS ‘BOSS’

    7:11:22 a.m. – The Boss relates that Bigfoot called him yesterday after the show, all hysterical wanting to know what ‘Big Announcement’ the I-Man was going to make.   The problem is, Imus doesn’t remember what the ‘Big Announcement’ was.   Maybe HE’S going to campaign for president?  Or he just ‘Made Potty Like a Big Boy.’?

    NOW THERE’S ONE LESS THING FOR DEIRDRE TO DO. OOPS!  WE’RE SORRY.    ONE FEWER  THING FOR DEIRDRE TO DO.

    7:18:19 a.m. –  The I-Man decides he is sick.  He’s been stuffed up all morning and feels like crap, but has just NOW come to the realization that he is ill.  Which makes us wonder what he feels like when he ISN’T sick, if it took him this long to come to this conclusion.  

    MAYBE HE’S JUST  ‘BACK ON THE BLOW’.   (THAT JOKE NEVER GETS OLD)

    7:40:19 a.m. – PSYCHOS, this week, featuring a ‘FIRED UP’ Warner Wolf, who, apparently, is NOT a fan of President Obama.  He blames the President for the failure of America’s foreign policy, destroying our relationship with Israel and this season of ‘House of Cards’ sucking.  Dagen is apoplectic over drivers who don’t give pedestrians the right of way , Nat is fed up with Social Media and millennials with no lives who feel compelled to post photos on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram of what they had for breakfast, and Deirdre goes positively BALLISTIC over the human race being ‘Plastic Pigs’…8 million tons of the man-made substance being dumped in our oceans every year.   We did some research, and as of 2014, an estimated 5 TRILLION plastic particle, weighing nearly 267 tons are floating around the earth’s wates.   However, we are stunned by her outburst, as this is so unlike Deirdre, who is usually reserved and measured when it comes to topics about which she is passionate, such as the Environment.  Which reminds us of Godzilla, every time he visits Tokyo.

    OH, NO…THERE GOES THE INDIAN OCEAN…

    7:43:44 a.m. –  We discovered that Imus is a ‘Squirrel Murderer’.  Apparently, the Boss was driving, and, according to Deirdre, eating crackers, and so, did not see the squirrel in front of the Escalade, and, of course, in such a scenario, the Squirrel loses.  Somewhere out there, there’s a Squirrel family that has lost it’s ‘Nut-Winner’, just because some old cranky cowboy had to stuff his face with a Triscuit.  Chip, the Squirrel’s son, then swears an oath to avenge his father’s death.  And takes to the highway to…wait.

    THE BOSS WON’T SEE THIS SQUIRREL EITHER.

    8:05:20 a.m. – Neil Cavuto emails the I-Man, suggesting that the Boss sounds ‘Down’.  Hey Neil.  Butt out.  You’d be down too if you felt as sick as Imus does.  But he doesn’t take off work every time he gets a hangnail.  It’s a true ‘Profile in Courage’ that he’s even HERE to take your stupid email.  How do you have time to write with all those ‘Donut Breaks’?

    THE REASON WHY NEIL IS ALWAYS IN A GOOD MOOD.  IT’S OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE HE’S JACKED UP  ON SUGAR.

    8:16:41 a.m. –  Ashley reports that due to the tragic crash in the French Alps, Lufthansa, Air Bus and other airline stocks have dropped significantly, leading the I-Man to correctly observe: “142 people die in an airplane cash, and these money grubbing bastards are dumping the stock?”  We are horrified by this revelation, as we’re not allowed to have our cell phones on the set, so we can’t make that call to our brokers.

    WE HAVEN’T SEEN SOMETHING GO DOWN THIS FAST SINCE KIM KARDASHIAN (WE WOULD’VE SAID MONICA LEWINSKY, BUT WE AGREE WITH THE I-MAN.  THAT POOR GIRL HAS SUFFERED ENOUGH.)

    8:35:20 a.m  – Author Michael Lewis is on to promote the paperback version of his book FLASH BOYS  which is about a small group of Wall Street Guys who figure out that the U.S. Stock Market has been rigged for the benefit of insiders.  It’s fascinating, the way these guys are able to manipulate the market, and we are on the edge of our seats until the I-Man decides to play some Lucinda Williams for Mr. Lewis.  Which is relevant, because, not unlike the Wall Street Traders on Black Tuesday in 1929, Lucinda’s music makes you want to jump out of a building. 

    “SO I GUESS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR ‘MAMAS DON’T LET YOUR BABIES GROW UP TO BE COWBOYS?  AND I ASSUME ‘WEST MEMPHIS’ IS ALSO COMPLETELY OUT OF THE QUESTION?”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    For those of you who want to finally get rid of your diaper, (Even if it’s a Depends) here’s a celebration of

     

    ‘GOING POTTY’

    Go Potty Go!

     

    MOMMY, LOOK! MY POO POO IS SINGING!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bc1_3IuIuI4 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhzIMSI5eUQ 

    (To our knowledge, the only Potty Song to ever break into a ‘Reggae’ Beat)

    Monday
    Mar232015

    Ted Cruz?!

    6:06:06 a.m. –     The I-Man starts off the week asking Connell what the Big Story is this morning, and Connell reports that Ted Cruz has thrown his hat in the ring as a Presidential Candidate, a fact that completely nauseates the I-Man.  We think we know why.

    JOE McCARTHY, ( L )  TED CRUZ ( R )  SEPARATED AT BIRTH?  IT’S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT CRUZ COULD ACTUALLY HELM A SENATE INVESTIGATION…HE CAN HARDLY ORGANIZE A BOWEL MOVEMENT

    6:09:18 a.m. –  Dagen has rescued a new dog, a Mutt named ‘Charlie’, who she got from a ‘Kill Shelter’.  Right off Death Row, a call from the Governor…and delivered straight to a Crazy House.

    CHARLIE, WHO, THE I-MAN SAYS LOOKS LIKE JOHNNY WINTER…BEFORE HE NEEDED HIS XANAX PRESCRIPTION

    6:15:30 a.m. –  Connell plays a clip of Senator John McCain telling the President to get over his ‘Temper Tantrum’  when it comes to Bibi Net an YAY hoo.  Yay Hoo?  Well, it could be worse.    Senator Ted Cruz thinks his name is Bibi Net An Yee Haw.

    YEE HAW!  (FYI, BOTH THE STEER AND THE HORSE ARE KOSHER)

    6:23:46 a.m. –  The I-Man reveals some private information that Nat confided in him.  Although, to be fair, Nat didn’t say it was ‘Off the Record’.  It involved Nat and his Girlfriend Denise, saying it took two months before Candido got ‘The Nookie Cookies’  Denise’s Uncle Brian is a HUGE fan of the I-Man’s.  Apparently, Uncle Brian did not know about this.  Well…HE KNOWS NOW!

    NAT’S A GENTLEMAN.  HE NOT ONLY WEARS A ‘PROMISE RING’, HE IS CURRENTLY SPORTING A PADLOCK ON HIS PENIS

    6:42:29 a.m. –  Gunz is leading the NCAA pool.  Proving that you don’t need any sports knowledge, or even know how to READ to fill out a bracket. 

    GUNZ GUNZELMAN.  AT BEST, A ‘TRAINABLE’

    7:15:10 a.m. –  Dagen does the Box Office Report and makes the observation that Sean Penn’s new movie ‘The Gunman’ bombed this weekend, “Because chicks don’t want to see a Sean Penn who looks like he’s been sleeping in an ashtray the last 25 years.   He’s NOT hot.”    This, coming from a woman who thinks that Flea is hot.

    IN A WORD…EWWWWWWW

    7:40:18 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS , otherwise known as ‘A coupla dudes sittin’ around talkin’ sports.’   The Guys discuss the NCAA Tournament play this weekend AND a controversial call which ends up being a subject of one of the ‘Douche of the Week’ matchups and the NFL Doctor Maroon, who stated that playing football is safer than riding a bike.   That is, if you’re riding that bike the wrong way into traffic on the Interstate. Maroon?  Moron.

    BRUTAL, TO BE SURE.  BUT STILL NOT AS BAD AS BEING HIT BY L.T.

    8:05:10 a.m. – The I-man is STILL incredulous that Ted Cruz is running for president.  “This is a guy you wouldn’t even let pet your dog.”  Unless, of course, she were spayed, in which case, there wouldn’t be as much to worry about.

    “DOWN, REX!  BAD BOY!”

    “WELL, HE STARTED IT!”

    UM…TED, THAT’S NOT HOW YOU DO IT.

    8:12:32 a.m. –   Ashley offers some interesting information, after learning that Bill O’Reilly will be on this week to promote the movie adaptation of his Bestseller “Killing Jesus”.  “Of all the books in his ‘Killing’ series, which one do you think sold the most copies?”   “Killing Patton?”  asks the I-Man.  “Killing Lincoln!” comes the reply.  Well.  I’ll be darned.   When does ‘Killing Ashley’ come out?

    THIS ONE COULD, QUITE POSSIBLY, SELL MORE THAN THE LINCOLN BOOK

    8:17:32 a.m. –   Dagen reports that, soon, there will be Tap Beer available at Convenience Stores.  So you can fill up your car, and fill up your ‘Growler’ at the same time.

    “HEY…HEY! HEY HADJI!  I SAID… KEEP IT FLOWING UNTIL I GOTTA GET BACK TO THE TRUCK.”

    8:35:00 a.m  – Pulitzer Prize Winning Author,Bret Stephens is on to promote his new book:   AMERICA IN RETREAT: THE NEW ISOLATIONISM AND THE COMING GLOBAL DISORDER.   We’re sure it’s great.  But not exactly a ‘Beach Read’.  We think we’ll wait for the Movie.

    RATED NC-17  NOBODY OVER OR UNDER 17 WILL BE ADMITTED

    9:05:13 a.m. -  The I-Man continues to mock Senator Ted Cruz for his Presidential Aspirations.  He is especially annoyed by Cruz’ lame attempt to appear ‘hip’ by announcing on Twitter.  Needless to say, he won’t be clicking ‘Like’ on the Senator’s Campaign Facebook Page.

    NO IT COULDN’T

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IT’S MARCH MADNESS

    HERE’S A COLLECTION OF SOME OF THE BEST MOMENTS FROM PAST NCAA TOURNAMENTS

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AscblZop9jk

    Thursday
    Mar192015

    Dagen's Basement Storage

    6:06:06 a.m. –     Imus begins the program by telling us he saw Dagen’s Husband Jonas Max Ferris (A.K.A. ‘Rollo’) on with Neil Cavuto, (A.K.A. ‘Lard Butt’) and asks that if we heard that he (Jonas) had jars with bits of people in them in the basement, would we be surprised?  Well, in a word, ‘No’.  But we DO think they might not be his.  Dagen suggests that he would probably be trying to hide her dirty work.  Is that not the perfect husband?  “Honey, would you mind taking out the garbage and hiding those specimen jars I have down next to the oil burner please?  I love you.”   As long as she still does, we guess he’s safe.

    WHAT’S LEFT OF THE CABLE GUY WHO HAD THE NERVE TO ASK FOR A GLASS OF WATER WHEN HE WAS INSTALLING DAGEN’S NEW DVR BOX

    6:12:24 a.m. – Dagen cuts Ashley off as he begins his report on Starbucks delivery, as she maintains she’s already done that story TWICE in the past year.  Be careful, Ashley.  The girl just got a brand new box of Mason Jars, and, apparently, she DO love… Cannin’

    “HEY, ASHLEY…IS THAT CONTAINER WHAT THEY CALL A ‘VENTI’?”

    6:40:14 a.m. –  Judge Jeanine Pirro, former Westchester D.A., the person who actually RE-OPENED the case against Robert Durst before he fled the city.   She thinks he’s guilty as sin.  The Judge has obviously been to Starbucks herself, cos’ girlfriend is JACKED UP about the situation.   Even though she gives one of the most fascinating, insightful recounting of this case that we’ve heard, the I-Man, of course, wants to know if Geraldo ever hit on her.   Judge Pirro replies ‘No’, which surprises the I-Man, as Geraldo has been known to hit on a fruit fly if it was female.  Jeanine says confidently, “He wouldn’t DARE hit on me.”   There’s something about her persona that makes men reluctant to even approach her, let alone hit on her.  Just a “Hey, how you doin’?” would result in an immediate indictment.  Followed by decapitation.  Which she would then give to Dagen to put up with the rest of her ‘Preserves’. 

    “YES, YOUR HONOR…I WILL NOT APPROACH THE BENCH.”

    7:04:10 a.m. –  The Great Nat Candido makes an observation in an email to the boss, suggesting Judge Pirro and the I-Man appear to be sharing a hairstyle.          

    EVEN WITH THAT HAIR AND THAT BODY…SHE’S STILL HOT

    7:16:46 a.m. – Warner and the I-Man discuss the NCAA starting today, and the Boss mentions he had Direct TV installed in his Trailer down in Texas, which prompts him to complain that he had to PAY for his, while they GAVE one to Tuff Cooper.  “Nobody knows who Tuff Cooper is!”   Well…everybody who either lives in Texas or listens to the I-Man does.  Still, Imus believes that he’s given Randy Bloomer so much on air publicity, that HE should get a free trailer too.  He will.  IN a few years.  A Double Wide in the ‘PARADISE’ Mobile Home court.

    7:40:44 a.m. – PSYCHOS II,  which clears up all the questions lefty by PSYCHOS I.  Security expert Bo Dietl wants to know what the problem with the Secret Service is, Bernard is upset that Race was introduced into the Loretta Lynch nomination to Attorney General, Gunz is upset that people think that he should vote for Hillary Clinton just because she’s a woman.  He says that she’s more of a man than he.  At least he’s right about something.  Ru Paul is more manly than Gunz.  Deirdre is apoplectic about the news that, in the wake of marijuana being legalized in so many states, there is actual consideration to make HEROIN legal as well.  She screams about it like she was a man who got his Johnson slammed in a car door.  What she doesn’t realize is, just by that very behavior, she has already driven 700 people listening to begin riding that Dragon called China White.

    DEIRDRE.  A GATEWAY DRUG.

    8:12:10 a.m. – Dagen reports a story that, despite a ban on new fast food restaurants in South L.A., the obesity rate was actually HIGHER.  Ashley weighs in with ‘Well…if you’re going to eat fast food, you’re going to get fat.’ In a tone that sounds pretty condescending…we assume to get back at Dagen for jumping on him earlier in the morning.  Just to be clear, Ashley, are you saying that eating Fast Food is fattening?  To quote Dagen, “No s#!% Sherlock.”

    EVEN RONALD MCDONALD GOT SUPERSIZED.  (HE EATS A LOT AT BURGER KING.  EVEN HE CAN’T BRING HIMSELF TO EAT AT HIS OWN RESTAURANT)

    8:22:44 a.m. –   Our studio is on the ground floor and surrounded by windows, which makes us visible to the fat tourists, who walk by, and gawk at us like we were monkeys in a cage…unless they see the I-Man, in which case, they think they’ve stumbled onto the Museum of Natural History, and it’s a diorama depicting Andrew Jackson’s signing of the Indian Removal Act.

    “LOOK HONEY!  IT’S MOVING!  IT MUST BE LIKE ONE OF THOSE ROBOTS THEY HAVE AT DISNEYWORLD!”

    8:35:00 a.m – Carl Cameron, Election Prognosticator is on to discuss the upcoming Republican and Democratic Primaries, assessing potential candidates, and the I-Man has some Probing Questions that directly pertain to the subject, such as “Is that Rand Paul’s Hair?”  Carl says “Yes it is.”   (We always assumed it was his, after all, he PAID for it…it’s not something you can ‘lease with an option to buy’)  “Who do you have in your bracket?”  “Kentucky all the way.”  and, of course, “Does this microphone make my ass look fat?”  Okay, he didn’t say that, but he might as well have, as it had about as much to do with Presidential Candidates as the other questions.  Carl insists that it's really too early to give the I-Man any good answers as it’s still too early in the process…essentially, that it’s too premature.   (WE ARE NOT TOUCHING THAT ONE…SO SUE US)  Although, we must admit, we do believe there was some significant ‘Personal Growth’ displayed by the Boss during this segment.  He never changed the word ‘Election’ to ‘ERECTION’ once.  Is there hope?  We’ll put it this way:  There’s another 600 days before the election.  There is WAY MORE THAN ENOUGH TIME for it to happen.

    CARL IS THE REASON WHY CHRIS CHRISTIE DOESN’T CALL IMUS

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    How, you too, can make your own head in a jar, without actually having to decapitate yourself first.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oer6QzwR4HU