6:06:06 a.m. – Ashley Webster isn’t here, and according to the I-Man, it’s because he was out drunk last night. Which, for an Englishman, isn’t all that out of the ordinary. What is out of the ordinary is he was late because he had to brush his teeth and had a hard time finding them.
“BLIMEY! I SLEPT THROUGH THE BLOODY ALARM! IT’S BLOODY 5 O’CLOCK! TIME FOR TEA!”
6:09:18 a.m. – Theresa’s cat, (Who, you might recall, broke his knees the other day) is being operated on today. We’re not sure if it’s a knee replacement, or just arthroscopic surgery to correct the tendons behind the patella, but Imus asks us to guess how much it will cost. Rob offers “30 Thousand.” Stupid bastard. It actually costs 5,000, which, after that conjecture, makes the 5 Grand sound like a bargain. Until you realize you then have to multiply the 5 Grand by 9. But for 5 thousand dollars, she could buy 100 new cats. Which would then make her a crazy cat lady, something that we’re not all that sure isn’t already true. But when you get to thinking about it, it wouldn’t be the first time somebody paid 5 K for a little pussy.
6:29:57 a.m. – The I-Man informs us that Van Morrison has a new album coming out on March 23rd! And he already has a single from the record, ‘Irish Heartbeat’, featuring Mark Knopfler of Dire Straits. The album is called ‘Duets: Re-Working the Catalogue’, where he performs some of his Classics with the likes of Steve Winwood, Bobby Womack, Taj Mahal, Mavis Staples, Natalie Cole and George Benson. Apparently, Stevie Wonder didn’t get the call. Maybe because Van already made his feelings known about the Sight-Challenged when he kicked the Blind Boys of Alabama out of the Green Room. We are particularly interested in his duet with Bobby Womack, as the 60’s Soul Singer died in 2014. We assume they recorded in separate studios. Van also does a new version of ‘Real Real Gone’ with Michael Buble’, which makes us sorry that WE didn’t die in 2014.
FOR A GUY WHO DIED A YEAR AGO, HE LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.
SO DOES BOBBY WOMACK
6:36:24 a.m. – Dr. Walid Phares is on, and immediately, controversy breaks outs, as Imus is suspicious of some of the songs on the Good Doctor’s Five Favorites list. “One Republic and Timbaland?” “I lost a bet.” comes the answer. Well, that explains the song choice. Which, we assume is also the reason why the I-Man is playing the new Van Morrison song. Imus asks Dr. Phares a question, and then the Dr. speaks for some time, after which the I-Man says “Of course you didn’t answer the question.” We can almost hear Dr. Phares’ sphincter contract through the phone. After the interview, the I-Man has a very pithy comment. “Lose the accent , okay?”
“I’M SO VERY SORRY, BUT…WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS AGAIN? MY MEMORY IS A LITTLE COMPROMISED AS I HAVEN’T EATEN ANYTHING IN THE PAST 8 MONTHS. WAS IT DR. FERRIS? FERRIS? LIKE FERRIS BUELLER? OH MY GOLLY GOSH I AM SUCH A BIG FAN OF YOURS! COULD YOU SING ‘DANKESCHOEN’ FOR ME?”
6:40:14 a.m. – The conversation continues, leading to a discussion about Iran, of which, Phares is worried that the current situation might be reminiscent of the Russians in World War II, where all the territory they took from the Nazis, they kept. We think that Dr. Phares has been watching ‘300’ too much, where Leonidas says “Remember this day, men, for it will be yours for all time!”
UM…DR. WALLY? IT’S ONLY A MOVIE.
7:05:10 a.m. – “Hey! Look! Ashley Webster has decided to come to work!” the I-Man remarks, seeing Ashley’s face in the monitor. We find out that he overslept. By 2 and a half hours. Dagen is not happy, as she, and a number of other people, ran around like chickens with their legs cut off, due to his absence. “I’ve covered for you as well, Dagen,” says the Brit Business Bitch. “When I was out due to family members who were ill.” she replies. Ohhhhkay… Now what, Ashley? “Dagen played the sick family card.” Imus observes, clearly pleased that he has started a war on the program. We have just a bit of advice for Ashley. Don’t go down this road, son. It’ll be like you’re bringing a slingshot to a Nuclear Missile Fight. You DO NOT want to mess with McDowell.
DESPITE OUR WARNING, WEBSTER TANGLES WITH DAGEN. IT’S NOT GOING TO END WELL
7:16:46 a.m. – Connell reports about a 36 year old ‘man’ who was arrested for shining a military grade laser pointer from the second story window of his mother’s house, blinding pilots trying to land at LaGuardia airport. We assume he was playing ‘Star Wars’, dressed up like Yoda using his green light saber on the Imperial Cruisers. What a shock he lives in his mother’s house.
“LET ME GO! SAVE THE REBELLION, I MUST!”
7:16:59 a.m. – What IS surprising is that this dude was on the 2nd Floor of his mother’s house, and not the basement. But then again, he couldn’t very well shine a light from his bedroom down there, so he had to climb the stairs up to the attic where Mommy keeps Grandma wrapped up in duct Tape, even though she’s been dead for the past three years. If THAT’S not a ‘Febreeze’ Commercial…
“IT REALLY DOES SMELL FRESH AND CLEAN IN HERE…CAN I TAKE OFF MY BLINDFOLD?”
7:34:18 a.m. – PSYCHOS II the weekly sequel! Covering all the craziness that wasn’t covered on Monday’s PSYCHOS I. We think today’s segment should have been renamed ‘Who’s Getting an Intervention This Week?’ Because between Deirdre and Bo Dietl, it’s a Jump Ball. There were people who were released from Bellevue this morning, because they weren’t nearly as bad as some of the members on the panel. Alan Colmes takes issue with the G.O.P. Letter to Iran, Bernie claims that Mayor DeBlasio is dissing his constituents, Deirdre is concerned with ISIS recruiting 10 year olds and Bo is…well, Bo. What was bothering him this morning? “Hillary Clinton looks like a chipmunk.”
WE CAN KINDA SEE THAT…AFTER ALL SHE DOES ENJOY TAKING AWAY NUTS
7:39:32 a.m. – Speaking of chipmunks, Gunz takes exception with the people in Times Square who sell their ‘Mix Tapes’ and those who dress up like Hello Kitty, Spiderman, and Elmo. Gunz will never say ‘Hello’ to the Kitty, or even let Elmo touch him, as there was obviously some incident that occurred with the little red freak at some point Gunz’s past.
“OKAY, GUNZ…SHOW US WITH THE COOKIE MONSTER WHAT ELMO DID TO YOU.”
YES. THAT PSYCHO.
8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man informs us all that he is truly special. Oh, he’s ‘Special’ alright. He’s definitely on the ‘Special Spectrum’. He says that he was just born naturally talented, that he was dealt four aces and we got a pair of threes, and so we have to work harder. The world loves him just as he is, and he doesn’t have to do anything for that to happen. Which is A - True. And B- The reason why we believe there’s no God.
AND ON THE EIGHTH DAY, GOD CREATED…THE I-MAN
8:36:00 a.m – Bernard Goldberg is on, an I-Fave, and someone who you would think was an erudite and brilliantly articulate man, but clearly, grew up in The Catskill Mountains splitting his summers between various Borscht Belt hotels. Mr. Goldberg tells a ‘True Story’ about his 92 year old Aunt, ‘Mrs. Cohen’, and her friend at the other Nursing Home, an Irish woman whose name we don’t remember, but it really doesn’t make a difference, because it’s obvious this ‘True’ Story is an AWFUL joke, which, in order to be even marginally funny, can’t be told on the air, as the word ‘Screw’ doesn’t have as much punch as ‘F**K’.
“AND THEN THEY ALL STAND UP AND TAKE A BOW, AND THEN THE AGENT SAYS ‘HEY, THAT’S GREAT, I’VE NEVER QUITE SEEN AN ACT LIKE THAT. WHAT DO YOU GUYS CALL YOURSELVES? AND THE FATHER SAYS, ‘THE ARISTOCRATS!’ THANK YOU, LADIES AND GERMS, MY NAME IS SHECKY GOLDBERG, YOU DON’T FORGET TO TIP YOUR WAITRESSES NOW, SEE YOU TOMORROW BY THE POOL.”
8:38:37 a.m - The I-Man questions Bernie about his Five Favorite Songs, one of which is ‘Surfin’ USA’, by The Beach Boys, with the famous riff they stole from Chuck Berry, but apparently, there are some ‘Blurred Lines’ as to how true that story is. (There’s no blurred line…it’s true. Total Rip Off) One thing we’re almost positive of: Chuck did NOT write a song about Surfing.
“SH********T…IF Y’ALL GONNA STEAL FROM ME, I MIGHT AS WELL JOIN THE GROUP. BECAUSE I’M GETTIN’ PAID!
VIDEO OF THE DAY
Van Morrison Discusses Working With Mark Knopfler On His New Album ‘Duets: Re-Working The Catalogue’
Which can be heard here:
(Turn Your Speakers Up Now)
On Bobby Womack and ‘Peace of Mind’
Which can be heard here:
His remake of ‘Real Real Gone’ With Michael Buble’