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    Tuesday
    Oct082013

    Wee Willie Warner!

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   Warner lost 500 dollars of his ‘imaginary’ bankroll, took the Falcons and gave the points to the Jets last night.  He’s only 100 ‘imaginary’ dollars away from having some ‘imaginary’ leg-breakers come by to shove his head into an ‘imaginary’ toilet.

    “YOUSE SHOULDN’TA PICKED DEM GUYS FROM ATLANTA, WOLFIE…”

    6:07:56 a.m. –  The I-Man waxes euphoric over Shep Smith’s new set, which makes it look like he’s broadcasting from the Bridge of the Starship Enterprise, or some James Bond Villain’s secret headquarters.  All lights and screens and giant sized iPad type deals which make the evil minions sitting in front of them look like midgets. 

    DR. EVIL WOULD KILL FOR SHEP’S SET

    6:15:12 a.m. –  The I-Man stayed up to see Megyn Kelly.  He said she asks great questions.  We wouldn’t know.  We always watch with the sound down and imagine she’s saying naughty things to us.

    YOU GIVE ME THAT BREAKING NEWS, BABY

    6:25:34 a.m. –  The I-Man has Starbucks Oatmeal.  It seems Carley made it,  so the Boss is okay with that…he trusts her not to do anything ‘icky’ to it.  This will work out well so long as Carley doesn’t eat any asparagus.

    STAY AWAY FROM THIS, CARLEY, AND YOU’LL BE ABLE TO PULL OFF YOUR LITTLE SCHEME FOR A LONG, LONG WHILE

    6:40:28 a.m. –  Bernard suggests that, if he weren’t married, and a good Catholic boy, he would make a sex tape with Miley Cyrus’ Moms.  His porn name would be Bone-ard McTwerk.   We think Bone-Hard McTwerk would be better.  But what do we know about porn names, ours are “Bony Power”… and “Fat F***.

     IN THIS GUY’S CASE, HIS PORN NAME WOULD BE ‘DAISY FOURTH AVENUE’

    7:09:22 a.m. – Imus reveals that he HATES the Red Sox…because of Mike Barnicle.  This is I-Man logic at its finest, stemming from resentment over Mike’s inability to appear on the program due to his contract at NBC.  When Bernie points out that it’s not Barnicle’s fault, Imus asks us if he’s being unreasonable again. No.  Not at all.  Just know that Barnicle is the reason why Doris Kearns Goodwin LOVES the Red Sox.

    MIKE BARNICLE (UNDOCTORED PHOTO)

    7:22:57 a.m. –  Connell reports on a Long Island Convenience Store clerk who brought a knife to a gunfight…and won.  It was actually a Machete.  The video footage of the attempted robber looked like one of those undercranked Benny Hill videos. 

    AND THEY LAUGHED WHEN HE FIRST BROUGHT THE MACHETE TO WORK

    7:40:19 a.m. – Martha McCallum is on to discuss the new changes at Fox including Shep’s new Star Trek set.   She denies the rumors that the Fox Brass wanted to capitalize on Shep’s new look by having her wear pointy ears like Mr. Spock.

    DON’T WORRY, THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN

    8:05:33 a.m. –   The I-Man wants to know where he can get the new 100 dollar bills.  We offer to take them for him and ‘exchange’ them at the ‘bank’

    THE NEW 100 NOW HAS BARBARA BUSH’S PICTURE ON IT

    8:21:12 a.m. –   Imus asks Warner why he’s wearing a tie.  “I thought I should look good for my funeral.”  Which, if he doesn’t do better with his picks this weekend, will be this coming Tuesday.

    IF YOU PICKED WARNER MAKING IT TO CHRISTMAS…YOU LOST!

    8:29:12 a.m. –  Bernie Briefing:  Miley Cyrus danced on The Today Show with Midgets.  “Gotta have a midget in your entourage!”  The I-Man exclaims.  “I don’t know why we don’t have one!   Well…I guess we already do…Lupica.”  Personally, we would’ve picked Warner.

    WEE WILLIE WARNER

    8:41:56 a.m. –   Frank Rich is on, and at first, it seems as if he is going to discuss everything except his hit HBO show, ‘Veep’.  Which just won two Emmys.  Julia Louis-Dreyfus even thanked him in her acceptance speech.  But the I-Man would rather discuss ‘The Goldbergs’ sucking.  Which, thankfully, gives Frank the opening to plug his own show.  Season 3 is on the way.  They’ve already HAD their Government Shutdown on the show.  Maybe the dudes in Congress should watch a couple episodes.

    THE ‘FAKE’ VEEP WITH THE ‘REAL’ VEEP.  HARD TO TELL WHO’S WHO, AIN’T IT?

    9:11:37 a.m. –  “Y’know, Ray Lewis is pretty good, don’tcha think?  He’s going to be there awhile.” observes the I-Man.  Of course, who’s going to fire him?  Nobody.  No. Bod. Ee.

    YOU TELL HIM HE’S FIRED.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A BUNCH OF DELETED SCENES FROM ‘VEEP’

    SO YOU CAN SEE JUST WHY IT WON THEM EMMYS

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n51Z5ifWNc0

    Monday
    Oct072013

    Yogurt and Oatmeal

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   It appears that the I-Man is back to wearing his custom shirts and designer jackets.  Either one of two things is happening here.  He’s either got a court appearance, or Deirdre and Wyatt will no longer let him out of the house sporting the George Harrison, Abbey Road, Gravedigger look. 

    JOHN, PAUL, DON & RINGO

    6:10:56 a.m. –  Imus asks Warner if Tom Hanks can act.  Apparently, the two consecutive Oscars he won and the fact that as of last year, his films have grossed over 4.2 Ba Ba Ba BILLION dollars in the United States and over 8.5 Ba Ba Ba BILLION dollars worldwide, making him the highest all-time box office star in film history weren’t enough of an indicator of his thespian skills. By the way, Pavarotti could also carry a tune.   In the words of Forrest Gump (One of Hanks’ Academy Award Winning Performances) “Stupid is as stupid does.”

    “MY MAMA ALWAYS SAID…IMUS IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES.  WITH EXTRA NUTS”

    6:15:12 a.m. –  We have a genuine, bona-fide crisis in the studio.  Imus doesn’t like the new Yogurt Parfait from Starbucks.  It seems they’ve changed to a smaller size, and are now using GREEK Yogurt.   He asked Carley if she had a discussion with the Barrista at Starbucks bout the GREEK Yogurt, which she did, and then sent her back to get more information.  When she confronted said Barrista with the I-Man’s displeasure, the braintrust at Starbucks said, “It’s GREEK Yogurt.  Maybe he’s sticking it in the wrong end.”

    FYI STARBUCKS.  IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU, GO BACK TO THIS VERSION

    6:40:28 a.m. –  Paul Begala gets on VERY late, but, turns out it’s in our favor, as he’s on to talk about the Government Shut Down.   And to be honest, we’d rather listen to Imus complain about his F@$%ing Yogurt.   Paul is on to ‘Shine some light’ on the situation.  Which makes sense, because his head is shaped like a lightbulb.

    PAUL BEGALA: PROVIDING A VERY ILLUMINATING PERSPECTIVE

    6:55:45 a.m. –  The I-Man admits that he blames Bill Evans for the heat and humidity…which is just plain ridiculous.  It’s Al Roker’s fault.  It’s ALWAYS Al Roker’s fault.   In fact, all the bad, evil, tragic things in the world are that roly poly little Weeble’s fault.

    …AND DON’T FORGET, AL, YOU POOPED YOUR PANTS AT THE WHITE HOUSE

    7:09:22 a.m. – Imus talks about the new Fox Primetime Lineup which starts today.  He notes that, even though they are currently #1, (and have been for some time) they are still striving to remain fresh and change things up a bit.  Connell compares them to Peerless Boilers.   Even if your boiler’s not broken, you can still do better with a Peerless.  So, basically, what the I-Man is trying to say is you can put Megyn Kelly in your basement instead of your current boiler.  All we know is...the girl do put off quite a bit of heat.

    GET THAT BEAST OUT OF YOUR BASEMENT AND REPLACE IT WITH HER

    7:22:57 a.m. – Connell reports on the Nobel Prize winners for medicine, and unfortunately, Dr. Peek a Boo Woo, Dr. Manny, Dr. Oz, nor the I-Man’s Urologist, Dr. Aaron Katz…were winners.  Although Dr. Katz certainly deserves some kind of medal for what he has to do to the I-Man every month.

    WE’RE THINKING MAYBE…THE CONGRESSIONAL MEDAL OF HONOR?  AT THE VERY LEAST A PURPLE HEART

    7:17:55 a.m. – Warner is going to be very bold and bet 500 of his 600 dollars of imaginary gambling winnings on tonight’s Falcons/Jets game.  He’s a baller…a high roller…a Make Believe Amarillo Slim.

    C’MON, DOG!  IF YOU TOOK WARNER AND THE TEN POINTS…YOU LOST!

    7:40:19 a.m. – Kirsten Powers is on to talk about…Jesus, The Government Shutdown, and…interestingly enough, DOGS.  Who, apparently, are not affected by either of the previous topics.  Then again, if you could lick your own balls you wouldn’t care about Jesus OR a Government Shutdown either.

    DOES FOX HIRE ANYBODY WHO ISN’T ATTRACTIVE?  OTHER THAN…WELL, Y’KNOW, THE COWBOY WITH THE DAME JUDI DENCH HAIRDO

    8:05:33 a.m. –   The I-Man is NOT having a good Breakfast Day.  After the Greek Yogurt debacle, Carley has brought him some oatmeal with craisins that he deems too watery.  Yeah, that’s it.  Too much water.  That’s the same thing Wyatt says when he brings the Old Man a cup of coffee.

    A BIG OL’ TUB OF WATERY OATMEAL FROM THE FOX NEWS CAFÉ 

    PERHAPS CARLEY SHOULDN’T HAVE MENTIONED IT WAS FOR THE I-MAN

    8:08:21 a.m. –   After Warner reports a story that alleges Mike Breen is responsible for the new NBA Playoff schedule, the I-Man makes the observation that, one day, he and Warner are both going to ‘Jump the Shark’ and be unfit to be on the air.   After that story…we’re thinking today just might be the day.  Breen COULD use a gig in the off season…and it’s not like he hasn’t done Sports for the I-Man before. 

    HARD TO TELL WHO’S MORE DELUSIONAL

    8:17:12 a.m. – I-Man on Eli Manning’s futility: “Eli doesn’t play like Archie….what’s his wife’s name?”  “Edith” comes the reply.  “No…Archie Manning!”    Stifle yourself.

    “OHHHHHH, ELI…YOU’RE THROWIN’ THE BALL TO THE WRONG TEAM?”

    9:00:37 a.m. –  Imus asks us off air if we’ve ever been concerned that someone has hocked a loogey in our food.  He seems to think that might have been the case with his ‘Watery Oatmeal’.   We seem to think he’s right.  We also think those ‘Craisins’ might not have been what they were purported to be, as we’ve never seen cranberries with legs and antennae.  What he SHOULD be more worried about is how much Rat Poison Deirdre is slipping into his food every night.  Miniscule amounts go relatively undetected but it does build up in your system.  And unless he develops a tolerance…he might be wishing Deirdre hocked a loogey into his Veggie Burger instead.

    “WAIT A SECOND…THAT DON’T LOOK LIKE MAYO TO ME.”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    ANOTHER OLD GUY IN A COWBOY HAT WITH A YOUNGER WOMAN

    TALKING ABOUT OATMEAL

    (APPARENTLY QUAKER OATS HAS 11 FLAVORS…12 IF YOU COUNT ‘LOOGEY’)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_orj4-inTo

    Friday
    Oct042013

    It's Not Ricin, But...

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   Fox n’ Fiends is hosting the Brown Family, 5 piano players who will be playing live in the Plaza this morning.  The I-Man, naturally, is praying for a Nor’Easter.

    NOTHING BETTER THAN A BUNCH OF MUSICAL MORMONS

    PRAY FOR RAIN

    6:13:56 a.m. –  Imus saw a bus ad for the new ABC ‘Comedy’ series, ‘The Goldbergs’.  And he, correctly, maintains that the second you see the it, you KNOW this show is going to suck beyond belief.  In fact, the level of ‘Suckage’ involved in this Aberrance of Television is almost unchartable.  See for yourself:

    TWO WORDS THAT EQUAL ‘NOT FUNNY’:  GEORGE SEGAL

    6:15:12 a.m. –  The Boss went to see Rocco Maselli, who was a friend of Frank Sinatra’s and he maintains that this Rowan Previn, the 25 year old son that Mom Mia Farrow says could be Frank’s, is, in fact NOT the fruit of The Chairman of the Board’s loins.  If we were Mia, we’d ‘ ixnay on the ankfray being the addyday’.  That is, if she values her kneecaps.

    “HEY.  MIA.  KEEP YER YAP SHUT, CAPICE?”

    6:25:34 a.m. –  The Wolfman will not pick the NFL Games with the I-Man’s point spreads.  There appears to be some discrepancies in the printed ‘Lines’.  Carley pulled the ones she gave Imus off the Internet.  Warner got his out of the printed newspaper.  Either way, Warner is leaving out a crucial fact when he mentions how much he is winning on the point spreads:  He’s leaving out the ‘vig’.  (See Previous Post)

    Y’KNO…THINGS COULD HAPPEN…OUTCOMES COULD CHANGE…

    6:47:28 a.m. –  The Giants are playing the Eagles this weekend, and, according to Imus, they SHOULD play The Eagles.  You know, the ones with Glenn Frey and Don Henley and Joe Walsh.  Because, you know…Walsh is really good on interceptions.   Sorry.  We meant ‘interventions.’

    GLENN FREY DOESN’T HAVE MUCH OF A RUNNING GAME, BUT CAN THROW A ‘BOMB’

    7:09:22 a.m. – “When someone says it’s not about the money it’s ALWAYS about the money.”  The I-Man waxes philosophical.  We assume Deirdre told him she didn’t care that he was rich.  

    DEIRDRE WILL TELL YOU: ‘IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS’

    7:12:57 a.m. – Carley throws Warner under the bus over the point spread numbers in the Post.  She calls Warner a ‘mean’ and ‘cranky’ old man.  Which is absolutely NOT true.  He’s not cranky OR mean.  Although you’d need to carbon date him to get an accurate age.  He makes Mary Higgins Clark look like Scarlett Johansson.

    COME AWN!  WARNER BEFORE MAKEUP

    7:15:57 a.m. –  “On a lighter note”  Connell reports a story about the hypodermic needles that were found in deceased ‘Glee’ actor Corey Monteith’s hotel room after his apparent overdose…and then seques into a story about a feud between Sinead O’Connor and Miley Cyrus.  “Yes, that would be a ‘lighter note’”  Imus says.

    NOT EXACTLY WHAT WE WOULD CALL A ‘LIGHTER NOTE’ 

    7:17:19 a.m. –   There are more nasty photos of Miley on the Internet, naked pics that cause the entire staff to become ill…except for Dagen, who, likes them nasty dirty.  You can take the girl out of Virginia…but you can’t take her Hillbilly Sensibility away.

    HARD TO DECIDE WHO’S CREEPIER.  MILEY?  OR THE OLD PERV IN THE MIRROR TAKING THE PICTURE

    7:27:19 a.m. –   Tomorrow marks our 4th year here at Fox.  It doesn’t seem that long.   “Oh, yes it does.”  The I-Man comments.  What do you give somebody for the fourth anniversary?  The traditional is flowers.  The modern is linen/silk.  We’re going to kill two birds and give the I-Man a bouquet of silk Lily of the Valley.  Although the REAL Lily of the Valley is where Walter White got the poison he stuck in Brock’s Juicebox.    Enjoy the weekend, I-Man.

    IT’S NOT RICIN…BUT IT WORKS

    7:39:56 a.m. –   Beth Lambert, of the Canary Kids Film project is on, with compelling evidence about treating children with chronic diseases through nutrition and non-conventional therapies.  Which is what Deirdre has been doing for years.  Don’t be copping the I-Woman’s style, Ms. Lambert.  She WILL stab you.

    DON’T LET DEIRDRE’S SWEET DEMEANOR FOOL YOU.  SHE WILL ‘CUT A BITCH’

    8:15:33 a.m. –   We see a compelling video of a routine traffic stop on a State Highway in Oregon, where State Troopers exchanged point blank gunfire with a guy…the perp sped away only to pull over a half mile up ahead, where he expired from a chest wound suffered in the firefight.  The I-Man mentions his undying respect for Cops, State Troopers, all sorts of Law Enforcement Officials…as this is not a job he would ever consider taking.   Which is probably a good idea.  Because there would be an epidemic of Jaywalker deaths.

    “FREEZE DIRTBAG!  YOU SHOULD’VE WAITED FOR THE LIGHT TO TURN GREEN!”

    8:17:12 a.m. –   Imus reads a spot for P.C. Richards and Sons the Appliance chain that has been in business for 104 years.  “How was that Grand Opening, Warner?” he asks.   Warner says he bought his first butter churn from them.

    CUISINART’S FIRST FOOD PROCESSOR, WHICH ONLY SET WARNER BACK $7.25 AT P.C RICHARD’S AND SON’S ‘OPENING DAY SALE’

    8:41:56 a.m. –   Lori Rothman is on, and was somewhat confused by The Eagles Documentary, in that, a term she never heard used before was employed:  “Gacked Out”.  “Wacked Out” she knows like the back of her hand, because she knows the I-Man, AND she has worked with Melissa Francis.

    A REPRESENTATION OF ‘WACKED OUT’…THAT COULD ALSO BE A REPRESENTATION OF ‘GACKED OUT’

    8:55:37 a.m. –  Kevin Magee solves the mystery of the term ‘Gacked Out’…while creating an entirely NEW mystery…why HE, of all people, knows it means to be high on PCP or Meth.

    IS THIS THE FACE OF A MAN WHO YOU COULD EVER SEE ‘TWEAKING’? 

    WE DIDN’T THINK SO.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    FOR OUR MILLIONS OF RADIO LISTENERS WHO DIDN’T GET A CHANCE TO SEE IT, WE OFFER THE DRAMATIC, COMPELLING FOOTAGE

    THE I-MAN WAS TALKING ABOUT THIS MORNING.

    THE OREGON STATE TROOPER SHOOTING

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1gYEG1TzBk

    Thursday
    Oct032013

    Fun With the Higgins Clarks!

    6:05:00 a.m.  –  The I-Man is desperately trying to find the reason for the existence of CNN.  He wants to know what their goal is.  Clearly, they are more interested in getting to work on time and improving their people skills.  They certainly aren’t trying to be broadcasters.

    JAMES CARVILLE, WONDERING WHY HE EVER AGREED TO THIS
    HUMILIATING EXPEREINCE

    6:07:56 a.m. –  Mary and Carol Higgins Clark are going to be on LIVE with us this morning, which is always a treat, as they are sweet, lovely ladies who are VERY supportive of the Imus Ranch For Kids With Cancer.  We appreciate the effort as it’s quite a project to get Mary out of the Sarcophagus to get her in the studio, which also, puts a slightly different meaning to the concept of  ‘Live’.

    MARY HIGGINS CLARK, BEFORE AND AFTER THE MAKEUP ROOM

    6:15:12 a.m. –  Warner reports that the Cleveland Indians didn’t make it to the Playoffs with Boston, which means that Terry Francona won’t get an opportunity for revenge.  A fact that tickles the I-Man, as he HATES Francona for being a humorless douche nozzle.  Although he couldn’t remember what it was that set Francona off during their somewhat contentious interview…a listener, Nick, tweets that it was Imus’ question about Cleveland’s ‘Uncle Tom’ Indian logo.

    OTHER REJECTED LOGOS FOR CLEVELAND’S BASEBALL TEAM

    6:40:28 a.m. –  Ed Henry, Fox News’ White House Correspondent reassures the    I-Man that his Social Security Check won’t be delayed due to the Government shut down.  He really counts on that 307.50 a week.

    THE FIRST ONE ISSUED WAS ON PAPYRUS

    7:05:22 a.m. –  The I-Man wants to see a WWII Vet roughed up so that Mark Levin can bring his biker army to D.C.  We’re not sure if the Biker Army The Great One refers to is made up of World War II Vets.  If so, we hope the Hogs have training wheels.

    A HELL’S ANGEL WHO WILL SOON BE…AN ACTUAL ANGEL

    7:15:57 a.m. – The I-Man makes the observation that, once you are over the age of 14, you should not be able to use the phrases ‘Awesome’… ‘Dude’ and ‘My Bad’.   Conversely, nobody under the age of 114 should be able to use the phrases, “Na Na Na Na’… ‘Rub it all up in your nest’…and ‘Are your peaches fuzzy, baby?’

    “HEY DUDE!  YOU DIDN’T THINK THAT WAS AWESOME?  OH.  MY BAD.”

    7:40:19 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting.  Deirdre starts off by attacking Alan Colmes about the Government Shutdown…backed into a corner, Alan then lashes out at Gunz.  “Don King wants his hair back.”   Gratuitous.  But amusing, nonetheless. 

    THAT’S WHAT YOU WOULD CALL A ‘HAIR DON’T’ GUNZ

    8:05:33 a.m. –   Imus weighs in on the Mia Farrow/Frank Sinatra controversy.  The controversy is that her son, Rowan is not Woody Allen’s but rather the fruit of Ol’ Blue Eyes loins.  As if the Government Shut Down is not enough, the I-Man has to be subjected to this kind of nonsense.  He has to imagine a 73 year old man making love to a 43 year old woman.   Hmmmmm.   We can’t understand his disgust, but, we’re almost positive, Deirdre CAN.

    SORRY BUT…WE JUST DON’T SEE THE RESEMBLANCE

    8:21:12 a.m. –   Imus wonders off the air just exactly what Mary Higgins Clark does with her free time.  Aside from Motocross, Hang-Gliding and her Mixed Martial Arts Training, she can be found playing a white hot guitar solo with her Alternative Band:  ‘Dead Ringer’

    MARY HIGGINS CLARK:  THAT GIRL CAN SHRED!

    8:41:56 a.m. –   It is revealed that Carol Higgins Clark has INDEED seen porn.  She attended a screening of ‘Deep Throat’ back when she was in college…she claims it was part of a ‘Human Relations’ Class.   We get the ‘relations’ part, but having seen the movie ourselves, we wouldn’t consider what Linda Lovelace was able to accomplish as anything remotely ‘Human’.  Carol’s beloved Mother, Mary, on the other hand, has NEVER seen porn.  She’s MADE porn, but never seen it.

    MARY IN HER PORN MOVIE DEBUT:  ‘DEBBIE DOESN’T WEAR A PETTICOAT’ (circa 1912)

    9:05:37 a.m. –  Imus on the ‘Mouthbreathers’ at the A-Rod hearings.  ‘Olbermann said it looked like the same guy wrote all of the signs:  “No Justice No Peace”.   Except ‘Peace’ was misspelled, which leads us to believe Rodriguez himself was the one who made the signs.

    THAT’S STRANGELY SIMILAR TO A-ROD’S HANDWRITING

    9:15:37 a.m. –  Connell continues to report on the government shutdown, to which Imus answers:  “Hey, I got an idea, let’s talk about it for the next 40 minutes so that NOBODY’S listening!”   Too late.  That Movie Clip you played with Carol Higgins Clark already took care of that, I-Man.

    WE’RE NOT SURE WHAT ACTING ‘METHOD’ CAROL IS USING.  WE THINK IT’S THE ‘RHYTHM METHOD’   AT LEAST SHE WON’T GET PREGNANT

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    BABABOOEY!  THREE EXAMPLES WHY CNN

    SUCKS THE BIG ONE


    THEY’D BE BETTER OFF WITH EMPTY CHAIRS

     
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TJjCCDtSdU

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qW1Y3qCYP0

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBDhpsLx2RA

    Wednesday
    Oct022013

    The Effects of Breaking Bad

    6:05:00 a.m.  – The I-Man admits that he’s been more Irritated and annoyed than usual these past couple of days…beyond his baseline state of dissatisfaction, and he blames his foul humor on his watching ‘Breaking Bad’.  He found it depressing, negative and violent and it has affected him…profoundly.  Although, depressing, negative, violent…is not all that out of the ordinary for us here on the program, in fact, that’s what the staff usually calls ‘Wednesday’.  We could all use a little crystal meth this morning.

    THANKS, HEISENBERG…YOU’RE THE REASON WHY WE’RE BANISHED TO

    THE GREEN ROOM THIS MORNING.  WE’RE GLAD YOU’RE DEAD

    6:20:56 a.m. – It’s the great Don McLean’s Birthday today, and, given the I-Man’s mood, there’s a pretty good chance that we’re probably going to hear ‘American Pie’ in its’ entirety this morning.  MANY times.  Until the Levy really IS dry.  It’s also STING’s birthday, and we can only pray Lou doesn’t play “Roxanne” fifty times.

    TODAY COULD VERY WELL BE THE ‘DAY THE MUSIC DIED’

    6:39:34 a.m. –  Too late.  Lou’s played ‘Every Breath You Take’.  Our hopes for a ‘Sting-Free’ morning have been dashed.  We actually would PREFER the full-length ‘American Pie’.

    WE’RE BEGGING YOU.  PLEASE SHUT UP.

    6:46:28 a.m. –  Imus is very complimentary of the new set and graphics packages that have been in place since his return from the Ranch.  He has purchased an orange T-Shirt to match the color scheme of the set. 

    JOSEPH ABBOUD WOULD BE SO PROUD…WE JUST  WONDER IF THE I-MAN’S GOT COWBOY BOOTS TO MATCH

    7:13:22 a.m. – Dagen reports that Steve Ballmer of Microsoft got emotional in his farewell speech to the Microsoft staff…and then played ‘I’ve Had The time Of My Life’ from ‘Dirty Dancing’…sobbing while he high fived the stadium filled with employees and stockholders.  Now we think we finally know why they called the company ‘Microsoft’.   He obviously has a small, limp penis.

    OH, SUCK IT UP, STEVIE.  ACT LIKE A MAN!!!

    7:40:19 a.m. – “Blonde on Blonde”…or, as we like to call it, “Deirdre and Her Mom Debate the Isshes”.  Lis looks particularly fetching this morning.  We assume it’s the botox.  You could ice skate on her forehead.

    NOT BAD FOR 87 YEARS OLD

    7:45:33 a.m. –   Deirdre gets on a tirade about obesity…always a fun topic.  The I-Man shuts off her microphone multiple times.  We don’t think it’s ‘Breaking Bad’ that put him in such a bad mood.  We also know why he no longer carries a gun.  Because two minutes into a ‘Blonde on Blonde’…and it would be in his mouth.

    SHE ONLY DOES WHAT THE DOGS TELL HER TO DO

    8:03:33 a.m. – We find out that Dr. Bill went to see ‘Steely Dan’ last night.  Boy, does he really know how to party.  Donald Fagen and Walter Becker…those two dudes are known to go ‘buckwild’.  We wonder if Dr. Bill brought along his ‘Rock Gear’… ‘Aja’ T-Shirt and hipster horn rims.  No Static At All.  Sounds like one of his Weather Reports.

    DR. BILL READY TO SING BACKUP FOR STEELY DAN

    8:21:12 a.m. –   Breaking Bad kept Imus up at night, giving him nightmares, from which he woke in a pool of sweat.  Which is not the usual fluid he awakens to on the mattress.

    WYATT SHOULDN’T HAVE POURED THAT GLASS OF WATER ON THE SHEETS WHILE THE I-MAN SLEPT.  THAT WAS JUST MEAN.

    8:41:56 a.m. –   Bob Schieffer is on.  One of the classiest, smartest, most charming individuals as we’ve ever had as a guest, and, as such, is an I-Fave.  The I-Man and he discuss the Government Shut Down, the new book Top Down about the decision to not use the ‘Bubble Top’ on JFK’s Presidential limo November 22, 1963.  We wish we could call Bob and tell him ‘Ixnay on the Kennedy Assassination Ay’…the last thing we need is the I-Man getting MORE depressed.

    MAYBE HE SHOULD’VE USED THE POPE-MOBILE

    9:11:37 a.m. –  Dagen’s business report reveals that the Beloved, Venerable, Southern Fast Food Chain, Hardees, will be coming to the Northeast.  It’s like Christmas Morning to Dagen, in that, she will, once again be able to order her ‘Drive Thru’ breakfast while still in her nightgown.  Which gives you an idea of how SHE rolls.

    I’M SORRY MA’AM.  I’D LOVE TO GIVE YOU YOUR HAM AND THREE CHEESE BREAKFAST BURRITO, BUT YOU REALLY NEED TO BE WEARING UNDERWEAR FOR ME TO SERVE YOU

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN AN EFFORT TO COMBAT THE I-MAN’S NEGATIVE REACTION TO ‘BREAKING BAD’, WE OFFER A KINDER, GENTLER VERSION:

      

    ‘BREAKING BAD: THE MIDDLE SCHOOL MUSICAL’

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nWjNgV_6yc