6:05:10 a.m. – We all suck. Imus goes down the line and brands us each with the ‘Suck’ designation. We are united in our ‘Suckness’. We embrace the Suckatation. There is strength in numbers. We ALL suck. Except for Lou and Bernie. Because they blow.
DAGEN, CONNELL, ROB, TONY AND NAT
6:06:12 a.m. – O’Reilly wants his fans to go online and give him a grade for his interview with the President. Given O’Reilly’s fans…we assume he’s going to be graded on the curve.
WE GAVE HIM…AN ‘INCOMPLETE’
6:10:20.am. – It is a miserable day in New York. The second winter storm, in as many days, has left the streets and sidewalks of the city covered in ice. We were worried that the I-Man might have slipped and fallen, and we know that he doesn’t have a ‘Life Alert’ button. He used to, but they stopped answering his calls. And to be honest, if you saw the Old Cowboy on the ground, would YOU stop?
OOPS!! IT’S SLIPPERY OUT HERE!
6:14:28a.m. – Michael Riedel is a dead man. Apparently, Poindexter has sent The I-Man a nasty email about Rob. Imus is outraged. HE can tell Rob he sucks…because he’s family. But not some beady-eyed little loser who wasn’t man enough to show up for the Hollywood and Vine Segment this week, because he had to do his Ethel Merman impression for all the boys at the ski-lodge. How hard is it to be the Theater Critic for the New York Post? All he had to do was show he had more of a working knowledge of Judy Garland than David Guest. The guy who sprays the shoes in the bowling alley has to be more skillful at his job than ol’ Shelly Showtunes over here. Michael obviously has a Napoleonic Complex…he’s not short but he IS cream filled. And he suffers from penis envy. If God was going to give humanity an enema, He’d stick the hose in Riedel. And he’d probably enjoy it. Nobody likes this Dickweed. Except for Elaine Stritch. Who is so old, her vibrator has a hand crank.
MICHAEL RIEDEL TRICK OR TREATING LAST HALLOWEEN ON SHUBERT ALLEY DRESSED AS JUSTIN BIEBER
6:40:46 a.m. – Stuart Varney is on to discuss how much Obama sucks. Join the club, Mr. President, join the club.
THE HOOVER BARACK 5000. DOESN’T QUITE SUCK AS MUCH AS THE BRITISH MODEL,
THE VARNEY ‘BIG SUCK’ DUSTMASTER
7:05:15 a.m. – The I-Man chastises Dagen for being mean to Imogen yesterday. What did he THINK was going to happen? That’s why you don’t let your poodle swim in a Shark Tank. You don’t let your gerbil play with your pet python. Unless you’re Riedel.
“ARE YOU SURE YOU SWALLOWED MY KEYS?” “OH THEY’RE IN THERE…KEEP LOOKING.”
7:07:14 a.m. – Syrians have opened a Fast Food restaurant in Detroit called ‘The Bomb’. Yeah. “I would like the Jihad Shake, the Fatwah Fries…and a Suicide Burger…obviously, that’s all to go.”
THIS ISN’T THE UNIFORM FOR PEOPLE WORKING AT ‘THE BOMB’.
IT’S THE PRIZE IN THE HAPPY MEAL
7:38:16 a.m. – Just as the I-Man suggested, we took notes during ‘Blonde on Blonde’. No. 1: Turn the sound all the way down.
DEIRDRE AND LIS IN THE GREENROOM KITCHEN. YOU’D RATHER DRINK GTC CLEANING LIQUID THAN EAT THE ‘SNACKS’ DEIRDRE PREPARED FOR THE SUPER BOWL
7:42:08 a.m. – One of the topics being discussed is the revelation that Columbia and Barnard students made a feminist porno movie at the Columbia Library. Columbia is Lis’ Alma Mater. “What did you do when you went there?” Deirdre asks. “How did you protest against anti-feminism? Did YOU make a porn movie?” Well, yes, in fact, she did. 75 years ago when she was a Junior. It was called ‘Wiehl’s on Fire’.
LIS ON THE SET OF HER COLUMBIA PORN MOVIE
8:05:02 a.m. – We get a ‘Double Dose’ of Divas! The Blondes are called back to the studio to discuss the breaking news that CVS is going to discontinue the sale of tobacco products. This DELIGHTS Deirdre. “It only took 40 years!” We agree. It’s a great idea. Because it frees up shelf space for weed.
“LEMME GET A LID OF PURPLE HAZE KUSH…A NICKEL BAG OF CALIFORNIA SKUNK, AND A PACK O’ LUCKIES…WHAT? NO CIGARETTES? OKAY, THEN MAKE IT A BAG OF CHEESE DOODLES AND A PINT OF CHERRY GARCIA.”
8:17:34 a.m. – Geraldo Rivera is coming up and we all share some serious ‘Man-Love’ for him. He’s grown a beard, and now resembles the ‘World’s Most Interesting Man’ in the Dos Equis Commercials. Handsome, yes. Interesting? Not so fast.
“I DON’T ALWAYS DRINK BEER. BUT WHEN I DO, I TAKE SELFIES OF ME SMOKING A CIGAR.”
8:20:40 a.m. – There are no pillows in Sochi. You can’t flush the toilets. There are stray dogs wandering the streets. Sounds like a Carnival Cruise. Except, instead of the stray dogs, it’s packs of wandering, smelly, fat tourists in Hawaiian Shirts.
THE LIFEGUARD “TOWER” BY THE POOL AT THE SOCHI FOUR SEASONS
8:38:10 a.m. – Geraldo Rivera is on to discuss O’Reilly’s interview among other things, including the hideous Woody Allen story. Geraldo is still angry with the Woodman for not inviting him to his New Years’ Eve Party in 1972, which, the I-Man says, is no surprise, considering what Geraldo’s behavior was like in 1972…and Woody probably didn’t have enough interns to go around. We can’t help ourselves from staring at Geraldo who is live, via satellite. He does look ‘Extra Dreamy’ with the beard. Good thing Riedel isn’t here. He’d spontaneously combust.
YEAH, BABY. THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT. YOU CAN OPEN MY VAULT ANY DAY!
9:06:12 a.m. – Bigfoot plays a tape of Don Felder’s appearance on Fox n’ Fiends yesterday, in which, he sang ‘Hotel California’. Now we have a pretty good idea why the Eagles fired him. When he gets to the part about, “…this could be heaven or this could be hell…” we’re pretty positive it’s the latter. We are ready to sign the confession. We don’t care to what…we just want it to stop.
FELDER WITH HIS LIPS WELDED SHUT. JUST THE WAY WE LIKE HIM.
9:11:22 a.m. – Deirdre emails the I-Man, and comments on how icy it is outside the Fox Studios…and offers to come back to help the Boss get to the car. We guess she’s going to carry him, just like she did over the threshold on their wedding night. At least we THINK it’s a thoughtful gesture out of concern for his safety. Or…she’s outside now spraying organic sunflower oil on the walkway.
“WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING, DEIRDRE? YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
WALKING IN THIS WINTER WONDERLAND…