6:03:12 a.m. – Just before we go on the air, Rob makes the fatal mistake of asking the I-Man how he is feeling. His attempt to head off an endless string of complaints about the daily series of I-Maladies is nipped in the bud. “Don’t worry about how I’m feeling, fatso.” This is not out of empathy or actual concern for Imus’ health. It has to do with the inevitability of Rob going back on the road to do a tour of all the “Yuk Palace” clubs in the Midwest. Tony is much more subtle. He merely holds a mirror underneath the Boss’ nose. But not for the same reason Imus used to it in the 80’s.
LIFE WITHOUT IMUS
6:05:00 a.m. – According to the Financial Times this morning, “72 is the new 30.” “No, it’s not”, Imus says. We would tend to agree with him. Because if that was actually true, then he would be married to an 82 year old woman.
THE KINDERGARTEN CLASS AT P.S. 208
6:10:17 a.m. – Fats Domino is 85. But he doesn’t look a day over 84. Black don’t crack…but it is unusual for an overweight man to live that long. Fats can’t afford to lose weight…nobody’s going to go see “Skinny Domino”. The Rock n’ Roll legend has lived so long...he can no longer find his ‘thrill’…only because he doesn’t remember where he left it.
“WALKIN’ TO NEW ORLEANS? I CAN’T EVEN WALK TO THE BATHROOM WITHOUT A CANE!”
6:25:27 a.m. – Jane Fonda looks good for 72. Although admittedly, she has had work done. As has Joan Rivers…who doesn’t look half bad herself…for an 80 year old Asian woman.
“CAN WE TALK?”
6:37:12 a.m. – “You have to be nuts to get in a hot air balloon.” This is Imus’ reaction to Connell’s story about the fatal accident that occurred in Egypt. It obviously brings up bad memories for the I-Man.
THE BOSS WAS STILL SMOKING BACK IN THOSE DAYS
7:14:12 a.m. – Brian Williams has a hair color not found in nature. If you’re Brian Williams, why would you want to color your hair? Related question: If you’re Don Imus why would you not want to get your eyebrows mown?
THE I-MAN BEFORE HE GETS A TRIM IN THE MAKEUP ROOM
7:17:32 a.m. - Warner reports on Alabama offering a scholarship to a 14-year-old running back who is 6 foot 1, 215 pounds. The boy’s name is Dylan Moses…which could be the single greatest name for a player in Football History. This prompts Warner to do a fantasy ‘Play by Play’… “There goes Moses, making the offensive line part like Red Sea! Let his team mates go! That dude is on fire like the Burning Bush!”
MOSES POSES FOR THE HEISMAN
7:37:59 a.m. – The Great One, Mark Levin, Syndicated Radio Talk Show host is the guest. Mark is, politically, what you would refer to as ‘Right Leaning.’ And by ‘Right Leaning’, we mean he thinks Attila the Hun was a ‘Liberal Weenie’. Mark is on to praise the President for all his accomplishments over the past four years. We don’t want to say that he’s a Right Wing Nut Job…but we do believe there’s an open file on him somewhere at Langley.
THE DEFENDANT…IN HAPPIER TIMES
8:05:18 a.m. – Imus tells us all that he thinks Bo Dietl is great in the new Arby’s commercials where the Larger than Life, Runyonesque, Highly Opinionated Former New York Detective portrays…a Larger than Life, Runyonesque, Highly Opinionated, Former New York Detective. Imus relates how difficult it is to play oneself. In other words…the I-Man is NOT a self-absorbed, megalomaniacal, erratic, obsessive compulsive A-Hole. He just plays one on TV.
LAWRENCE OLIVIER AND THE I-MAN, IN ‘HAMLET’
8:11:23 a.m. – We learn that Brian Williams and Bob Beckel clearly share the same colorist: Crayola.
WITH THE PATENTED ‘BECKEL/BRIAN’ APPLICTORS, ONLY YOUR HAIRSTYLIST WILL KNOW FOR SURE
8:15:23 a.m. – Warner reports that, as part of the Los Angeles Dodgers’ new 8 Billion Dollar TV deal, they will be broadcasting in 3 Languages: “English, Spanish…and Korea.” We know he means ‘Korean’, unless there is another Asian dialect of which we are not familiar.
VIN SCULLY IS REALLY GOING TO ENJOY CALLING THESE GAMES
8:38:45 a.m. – The Great Mike Breen is on. And we don’t use the term ‘Great’ loosely. In addition to being a great guest, and an even GREATER guy, there is no one better at doing NBA Play by Play, or when it comes to being funny…at the I-Man’s expense, of course. Breen says he’s on to promote his new book: The Bill O’Reilly inspired, ‘Killing Imus’…but unlike O’Reilly’s two historical treatises about the assassinations of Lincoln and Kennedy, “…this one has a HAPPY ending.” Of course Mike is being facetious. You could never write something with the title ‘Killing Imus’. There would be too many suspects to fit into one book.
MIKE BREEN, SINGING KARAOKE AT THE ESPN CHRISTMAS PARTY. THE MAN DOES A KILLER RENDITION OF ‘LOCOMOTIVE BREATH’
VIDEO OF THE DAY:
THE GREAT MIKE BREEN