6:05: a.m. – Dick Cavett is in the dog house…or, we suppose we should say, “Mr. Cavett currently occupies the abode reserved for the domesticated canine.” Apparently, he mentioned the I-Man in one of his online blog for the New York Times about guns…which, by the way, is basically a love letter to the Luger. Of course, with Cavett, it’s only because owning one makes him feel like Conrad Veidt in some black and white WW II movie. In the blog, Cavett takes umbrage with Laura Ingraham’s critique of Bob Costas’ impassioned, on-air plea for gun control…mentioning that she did so on the Imus in the Morning program…effectively giving the appearance that the Boss was in concert with Ms. Ingraham’s position. Cavett, apparently, has a ‘Pistol Whipping’ in his future. With a Luger.
DICK CAVETT PLAYS ‘WAR’ IN HIS BACKYARD
6:06:17: a.m. – Much to our delight…Michael Graham is on the program this morning! Which means that we are in store for some hilarity…unless something funnier were to happen…like a Kitten gets run over by a dumptruck on 6th avenue.
THIS WAS NO ACCIDENT. THIS WAS SUICIDE. KITTY KITTY HERE APPARENTLY WENT TO SEE MICHAEL GRAHAM AT A BOSTON COMEDY CLUB
6:23:45 a.m. - The big story this morning is Lance Armstrong’s admission to Oprah Winfrey about his steroid abuse. WHAT??? Lance took illicit performance enhancing substances? Next thing you know, somebody is going to tell us that Jodie Foster is a lesbian. We desperately try to make sense of this shocking news and Rob offers that perhaps Lance took them so as to make his scrotum shrink enough to make the one testicle appear to be two.
ARMSTRONG’S PROSTHETIC ‘TWO NUT’ SACK
6:37:25 a.m. - Author and Assistant Secretary of Defense for International Security Affairs during the Reagan Administration, Bing West, is the guest. He spends the bulk of the interview referring to Jose Rodriguez, a colleague in the Intelligence Community, as “Mendoza”. Either Mendoza’ is Rodriguez’s ‘Code Name’, a reference to his ‘Batting Average’…or West just assumes that all Latin American men are named ‘Mendoza’.
“CHEECH” MARIN, OR AS BING REFERS TO HIM, “MENDOZA”
7:05:12 a.m. – Deirdre phones in with a tribute to Jordan Schmidt, one of the children from the ranch, who, sadly, passed away last Saturday, and the I-Man promotes her appearance in ‘Blonde on Blonde’ tomorrow with Lis Wiehl. The reverence of the moment passes quickly when Imus wonders aloud if LIs will display any evidence of having had any plastic surgery during the past week. Deirdre says that no matter what, Lis can’t possibly look as bad as the people on the Golden Globes the other night…of whom, the sour-faced Tommy Lee Jones was the only one who looked normal. Then again, Deirdre’s base line for what looks normal IS somewhat…skewed. Being married to a man who is number 21 on the ‘White Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians’ list.
TOMMY LEE JONES: CLEARLY, NOT AMUSED BY IMUS’ RESEMBLANCE TO K.D. LANG
7:19:18 a.m. – Connell reports that Hillary Clinton WILL indeed be appearing before Congress to testify in the Benghazi hearing. I-Man hopes that, in the wake of her concussion, she will be able to recall the details of the situation…or at the very least, not confuse the location of the Libyan Embassy with character actor…Ben Gazzara.
“YOU BETTER DUCK, SECRETARY CLINTON…THERE’S SNIPER FIRE OUT HERE.”
7:20:44 a.m. – Warner says that he finally did see ‘Life of Pi’, and that he was VERY impressed…especially with the ‘Cinematophragy…cinematicatopicapha…the cinematicatry…the cinnamon bun…’ He means Cinematography. Basically, he was impressed by the pretty pictures.
THAT IS SOME GORGEOUS CINEMATROGPHITY…CINEMAGROPHATY…UM…CAMERA WORK
7:37:44 a.m. – Two minutes to Michael Graham…you may want to go pee now, so you don’t miss one HILARIOUS second!
7:39:15 a.m. – LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PUT YOUR LAUGHING HATS ON, AND PLEASE WELCOME…THE COMEDY STYLINGS OF MICHAEL GRAHAM!
7:41:35 a.m. – Just wait…he’s gonna get funny here in a minute…
7:43:21 a.m. – …any second now…hang on to your sides…they’re about to be split…
7:48:09 a.m. – Ooops. You must’ve missed that ONE second when he was actually funny. Don’t feel bad…we must’ve missed it too. So did EVERYBODY else. Well, there’s 11 minutes of your life you’re never going to get back.
7:52:06 a.m. – Tony and Rob call the orphanage to see if any of the children are sick. Just so they can hear something funnier than Michael Graham.
8:05:36 a.m. – Imus reads one of the ‘Imus Book Roundup’ spots, which features Tom Clancy’s ‘Theat Vector’…but he gets caught in the pronunciation and says ‘Threat Victor’…corrects himself, and says ‘Threat Vector…Victor’. Roger that, I-Man, you’ve just experienced a ‘Peter Graves Airplane Moment’. Now, what we really want to know is… ‘Do you like…Gladiator Movies?’ We already know you’ve seen an old man naked. In the mirror.
“AND THAT’S…PRETTY MUCH WHAT MY PENIS LOOKS LIKE, BILLY.”
8:20:28 a.m. – Jonathan ‘The Snake’ Mason, our Sales Manager at WABC radio, is under fire this morning. Why? It’s Tuesday. If he’s a snake, he’s a python. You know, the kind that swallows a whole steer.
THE REVEREND MASON, JONATHAN, OUR SALES MANAGER AT WABC EATS A ‘MY PILLOW’
8:29:57 a.m. – We are running behind, and will be late for our 8:30 guest, Frank Rich. Imus is non-plussed, as, ”That big fat sissy can wait.” Harsh words, I-Man. Especially when you consider that Frank …is not a sissy.
DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE PICTURE OF A SISSY TO YOU?
UM...GOOD POINT. MAYBE WE SHOULD’VE FOUND ANOTHER PICTURE.
8:40:59 a.m. – Frank talks about the Golden Globe Awards…at least we think that’s what he was talking about…the ‘Golden Globes’ he was referring to could very easily be his man boobs.
FRANK IS NOT ALONE. HERE IS JACK NICHOLSON, D CUP
9:06:02 a.m. – We are still waiting for the Michael Graham Yuk Tsunami. We are SURE it’s coming here. Wait a second. Who’s that? Oh. It’s Godot. Apparently HE’S showed up before a Graham inspired laugh. Just to test their thesis, Rob and Tony kick an old lady down the back staircase of the Fox News Corp building. Yup. MUCH funnier than anything Michael Graham has ever said.
12:15:24 p.m. – Okay, we have to leave now. We can’t wait any longer.
VIDEO OF THE DAY:
PETER GRAVES IN ‘AIRPLANE’
THE CLASSIC TAKEOFF SCENE
(AND, APPARENTLY, AS MANY TIMES AS HE SAYS ‘WHAT?’ IT’S CLEAR THAT MR. GRAVES IS HAVING AN ‘IMUS’ MOMENT)