6:05:12 A.M. – The Boss begins the program by sharing the NY Post cover of Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman in the cockpit of a private plane have a cocktail. Like the two murdering thugs that escaped the upstate prison, the I-Man is kinda rooting for El Chapo. Granted he was a murderous drug kingpin that killed rivals, elected officials, police , women , children, a pet hamster named fluffy, peed in the holy water at Our Lady of Guadalupe, and brought a ham sandwich to a Passover Seder, but the Boss doesn’t think that necessarily disqualifies El Chapo from being rooted for.
Clearance?? We don’t need no steenkin clearance! Vamanos!
6:07:56 A.M. – Connell is not in this morning as he has taken the time off to iron his mom jeans and continue his hormone therapy. If all goes to plan those new child bearing hips are going to look pretty damn good in those jeans.
6:20:47 A.M. – Bernard reports that following Donald Trump’s Twitter jab at El Chapo ,threatening to kick the drug lord’s ass, Guzman fired back saying “Keep bothering me and I’ll make you swallow all your bitch words you f---ing blond milks--tter @realDonaldTrump,”. We have to admit that we liked the threat better in the original Spanish. When you get cursed out in another language it sounds bad, you just don’t know how bad. There’s no ambiguity here. Twitter beefs are usually reserved for rappers. Can’t wait until El Chapo’s new CD “Straight Outta Altiplano” drops next Tuesday.
The Notorious D.J.T.
6:30:17 A.M. – Bernie plays a clip of Geraldo Rivera threatening to knock out Eric Bolling of Fox’s The Five. The two men got into a heated exchange over Donald Trump’s comments about Mexican immigrants. This is shaping up to be one helluva a fight card. Our money is on Geraldo. We think that he would leave Bolling severely brain damaged although it would be really hard to tell.
Don’t Call It A Comeback...Geraldo Gone Knock You Out!
6:38:09 A.M. – I-Fave, and Navy SEAL Leif Babin is on to discuss the Iranian nuclear weapons deal. Leif is not a big fan of this deal as he fears it will lead to a nuclear arms race in the Middle East. Thanks for scaring the living s*&t out of us this morning Leif. It’s clear that we should’ve sent Mr. Babin and his scary looking partner at Echelon front , Jocko, over to negotiate the terms. Not only would they have gotten us a great deal on nukes they would’ve gotten a steal on some snappy persian rugs.
Nukes? Nukes Schmooks. What Were We thinking? My Friend Can’t We All Get Along? As John Lennon Says ..Um..Give Peace A Chance. Maybe Your Wife Jenna Would Like My Rug. It’s Yours Ambassador?? Babin. Please Take It And Your Scary Friend Jocko with you.
7:07:06 A.M. – We listen in to the President touting his new nuclear weapons agreement with the Iranians. We notice that Warner has begun to speak in tongues and utter a string of obscenities. We think that either he is possessed or he is not particularly happy with this deal. We hope it’s the latter because it’s going to be tough finding a Rabbi that does exorcisms.
Rabbi Feinstein Do Yo Think The Chicken Soup Will Help Exorcise The Demon? Eh, Couldn’t Hurt
7:18:32 A.M. – Warner reports that Dallas Cowboys all pro wide receiver Dez Bryant is threatening to turn down his 13 million dollar contract and holdout for the season. The I-Man notes that Dez could make that in a week working for El Chapo. True, but El Chapo doesn’t offer a 401K and he’s not the guy you want to complain about to human resources.
Now Which One Of You Motherf&*kers Is Stealing Post It Notes?
7:30:02 A.M. – During Bernie’s Briefing he reports that during a case of domestic violence between a lesbian couple a woman used a dildo to go upside her wife’s head. That’s not shocking. What is shocking is that they let a penis come between them.
Stupid bi*%h, Bringing A Dildo To A Sword Fight
7:42:08 A.M.- Pyschos1 begins with the I-Man’s rant about people who don’t do what they’re supposed to do. The boss bought a manure spreader and as he attached it to his golf cart he discovered that the manure was shooting in his direction. It seems the spreader was installed backwards by “accident”. At least that’s what the dealer told him.
Deirdre Get That A-Hole On The Phone. I Think There’s Something Wrong With The Manure Spreader
7:43:18 A.M.- Bernie is upset with Bolshevik Bill de Blasio for not maintaining New York City’s quality of life. He cites a NY Post picture of the same homeless guy peeing in the streets two days in a row. Our question is how many bottles of water did the Post photographer have to give this guy to get his pics?
It’s Very Hard To Write Your Name When People Are Staring
7:45:34 A.M. – Lou Rufino shares Bernie’s sentiment about the the Mayor’s mismanagement of the city. He’s tired of stepping over the homeless to get to work. Not nearly as tired as they are of Lou trampling through their living rooms at 4:00 AM.
I’m Telling You Man There Are Leprechauns Walking Around Penn Station Early In The Morning. I Thought I Was Dreaming But A Little Red Headed One Walked Right Through My Living Room.
7:46:14 A.M. - Gunz is happy that rapper 50 Cent is declaring bankruptcy. That and a quarter still won’t get you laid Gunz, but we hear you.
Perhaps You Should Be More Concerned With This Match.Com Profile Pic
7:45:34 A.M. – Deirdre is upset with women who are so busy playing on their smart phones that they don’t pay attention to their small children. She mentions women who have babies in one hand while their busy on the phone with the other. Um...Ladies if we were you , we’d put the fu%king phones down. The D-Woman can be a saint, but you don’t want to get on the wrong side of crazy.
Drop The Phones And Hold Out Your Hands
8:10:43 A.M. – The Boss shares a story about an irritated Deirdre Imus , who he has now dubbed “El Chapo”, chopping vegetables at a very rapid pace with a very sharp knife. The idea of her cutting cucumbers just made us cross our legs.
Careful Boss. El Chapo Could Easily Become El Choppo
8:40:23 A.M. – Our favorite CIA Agent, Mike Baker calls in from Prague Czechoslovakia. We don’t think he’s there on vacation, but we’re glad he took time between piano wiring terrorists to call in. Imus asks Baker about the nuke deal with Iran. He’s not sure if it’s a good deal or not at this point. We are sure that once he finishes waterboarding the Iranian official that he’s kidnapped in Prague he’ll have a better idea.
Hold On I’ve Got to Call Imus
Heres The Link To Leif Babin’s Upcoming Book Extreme Ownership
VIDEO OF THE DAY
Today For Your Viewing Pleasure We Have Geraldo Rivera In The Ring. Watch Out Bolling You’re No Frank Stallone