6:05:06 a.m. – “Is it me, or does EVERYBODY hate Dennis Miller?” The I-Man’s opening words this morning. We are not sure what prompted this observation, nor why he felt a burning need to begin the program with the query, but, since he asked…no, he is not. We are not fans of arrogant, self-righteous, condescension and arcane references. But then again, we could just be as uninformed as Rene’ Guenon wearing an Elijah Cook Jr. T-Shirt to a Tim Minchin concert. Do you know what we mean? No. Of course not. But we don’t think Dennis Miller does either.
LOOK UP ‘SMUG’ IN THE DICTIONARY AND YOU WILL FIND THIS PICTURE
6:05:23 a.m. – “I LOVE Stuart Varney.” This seems a somewhat ‘Out of the Blue’ proclamation, until we discover that Stuart has brought a gift for the I-Man, a DVD of the Eagles’“The Farewell I Tour Live From Melbourne”. Dennis Miller should start thinking about hitting Amazon and ordering at LEAST a copy of “Delbert McClinton’s Greatest Hits Re-Mastered”. Which, to our knowledge, does not yet exist, but if Miller wants to get back on the I-Man’s good side, we suggest he get his ass into a studio with the original tapes and get busy.
WHEN YOU’RE A GUEST ON THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM, IT HELPS TO BE A ‘GEEK BEARING GIFTS’
6:24:12 a.m. – “Where are we going with this?” Which sounds like a question regarding the direction the program is taking…but was actually what Teresa, the Fox Hairdresser charged with the impossible task of making the I-Man’s mane look ‘camera ready’, wants to know what he’s thinking about with this latest ‘Look’. Where’s he going? On the inevitable trip to the dirt nap. And hopefully, he will still have a thick, full head of hair when he does.
TERESA WORKING ON THE “I-MANE”
(FYI…THAT IS A COWBOY HAT ON HIS LAP BUT HE’S NOT HAPPY TO SEE YOU)
6:40:34 a.m. – The aforementioned I-Fave, Stuart Varney is on, and makes it clear that he does not like Obama, the Eagles, Bill de Blasio. He may as well add Mom and Apple Pie to that list. Limey bastard. We got three words for ya, Stuart. ‘Battle of Saratoga’. How’d that one work out for ya?
“WE WIN THIS BATTLE IN THE HOPES THAT, ONE DAY, A BRITISH CITIZEN WHO RIDES A TRACTOR WEARING SANDALS AND WHITE SOCKS WILL BRING AN EAGLES DVD TO A MORNING RADIO SHOW HOST. GOD BLESS THE COLONIES!”
7:05:43 a.m. – Warner reports that Mark Sanchez needs to have ‘Soldier Surgery’. We assume he’s just having a ‘Dr. Bill Evans Moment’, and that he means ‘Shoulder Surgery’. Not that he needs to have an Infantryman removed from his back.
FROM THE LOOKS OF THIS ‘BUTT FUMBLE’ PHOTO, IT APPEARS SANCHEZ NEEDS TO HAVE A ‘GUARD’ REMOVED FROM HIS LEFT CHEEK
7:09:22 a.m. – Imus asks Bernie a question, but Bernie is already on his way to the Fox Studios for the Mensa Meeting, so, essentially, he is speaking to an empty chair. “We finally have our Clint Eastwood moment", Connell observes. Advantage: McShane.
IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME
7:40:57 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting. This is the first time it will be convened with Gunz as an official, permanent member. Don’t give yourself a headache trying to figure out how Gunz and the concept of people who score at the 98th percentile or higher on a standardized, supervised IQ test. He’s there because Deirdre and Dagen think he’s ‘cute’.
GUNZ PREPARES FOR HIS FIRST APPEARANCE AS AN ‘OFFICIAL’ MEMBER OF THE MENSA MEETING
8:05:33 a.m. – Warner reveals that Gunz will not be in studio tomorrow or Monday, as he will be in Chicago deejaying some big event, and suggests that he might look up Carley’s fiancée’, Pete, to profess his love for Carley. Warner is of the mind that perhaps a confrontation might ensue. As Carley’s fiancée was a former NFL candidate, and Gunz makes the cliché 98 pound weakling look like Lou Ferigno…we think not. Warner believes there might actually be…a ‘duel’.
GUNZ AND PETE VIE FOR THE HAND OF THE FAIR CARLEY
8:11:33 a.m. – Dagen reveals that Carley is wearing ‘Leg Makeup’. Really? LEG MAKEUP? We might have to see that. We DID notice they were all sparkly and stuff.
THAT’S A PRETTY SNAPPY LOOKING SET O’ GAMS. MAKEUP OR NOT
8:41:56 a.m. – Mary Matalin has called in sick this morning, and so will not be a guest, as she had been scheduled to be. We wonder with what she could possibly have been stricken that would render her unable to pick up a phone, but the I-Man hypothesizes that she was sickened by the Vladamir Putin letter to America on the Op Ed Page of this morning’s New York Times.
POOR OL’ MARY’S ILLIN’
9:09:56 a.m. – The ‘Wy-Man’ ropes in 9 seconds flat. Imus has Bigfoot play a video of the Rodeo prodigy roping a calf from Joe Beaver’s roping last weekend, and, we have to say, that boy’s got a future. It’s a talent that will come in handy, as it won’t be very long before he will need to get on horseback and chase down and rope the old man when he starts wandering off.
“DAMMIT, MOM! DAD ESCAPED AGAIN!”
9:19:36 a.m. – The I-Man tells us that he has to interview a Spanish Tutor for Wyatt this afternoon, and wants to impress her with his proficiency in the language. He asks Rob what he should say when he meets her. Rob offers the following: “Hola, señora. Me llamo Don Imus. Encantada de conocerte ¿Le gustaría ver a mi pinga, puta?” Which means, “Hello Madam. My name is Don Imus. Pleased to meet you. Would you like to see my penis, you whore?”
DO YOU SPEAK SPANISH, MORON?
VIDEO OF THE DAY
A SIMPLE IQ TEST TO SEE WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE SMARTER THAN GUNZ
You only found 3, didn’t you?