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    Thursday
    Sep122013

    Are You Smarter Than Gunz?

    6:05:06 a.m.  –   “Is it me, or does EVERYBODY hate Dennis Miller?”  The I-Man’s opening words this morning.  We are not sure what prompted this observation, nor why he felt a burning need to begin the program with the query, but, since he asked…no, he is not.  We are not fans of arrogant, self-righteous, condescension and arcane references.  But then again, we could just be as uninformed as Rene’ Guenon wearing an Elijah Cook Jr. T-Shirt to a Tim Minchin concert.  Do you know what we mean?  No.  Of course not.  But we don’t think Dennis Miller does either.

    LOOK UP ‘SMUG’ IN THE DICTIONARY AND YOU WILL FIND THIS PICTURE

    6:05:23 a.m. –  “I LOVE Stuart Varney.”  This seems a somewhat ‘Out of the Blue’ proclamation, until we discover that Stuart has brought a gift for the I-Man, a  DVD of the Eagles’“The Farewell I Tour Live  From Melbourne”.   Dennis Miller should start thinking about hitting Amazon and ordering at LEAST a copy of “Delbert McClinton’s Greatest Hits Re-Mastered”.   Which, to our knowledge, does not yet exist, but if Miller wants to get back on the I-Man’s good side, we suggest he get his ass into a studio with the original tapes and get busy.

    WHEN YOU’RE A GUEST ON THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM, IT HELPS TO BE A ‘GEEK BEARING GIFTS’

    6:24:12 a.m. –  “Where are we going with this?”  Which sounds like a question regarding the direction the program is taking…but was actually what Teresa, the Fox Hairdresser charged with the impossible task of making the I-Man’s mane look ‘camera ready’, wants to know what he’s thinking about with this latest ‘Look’.   Where’s he going?  On the inevitable trip to the dirt nap.  And hopefully, he will still have a thick, full head of hair when he does.

    TERESA WORKING ON THE “I-MANE”

    (FYI…THAT IS A COWBOY HAT ON HIS LAP BUT HE’S NOT HAPPY TO SEE YOU)

    6:40:34 a.m. –  The aforementioned I-Fave, Stuart Varney is on, and makes it clear that he does not like Obama, the Eagles, Bill de Blasio.  He may as well add Mom and Apple Pie to that list.  Limey bastard.   We got three words for ya, Stuart.  ‘Battle of Saratoga’.  How’d that one work out for ya?

    “WE WIN THIS BATTLE IN THE HOPES THAT, ONE DAY, A BRITISH CITIZEN WHO RIDES A TRACTOR WEARING SANDALS AND WHITE SOCKS WILL BRING AN EAGLES DVD TO A MORNING RADIO SHOW HOST.  GOD BLESS THE COLONIES!”

    7:05:43 a.m. – Warner reports that Mark Sanchez needs to have ‘Soldier Surgery’.  We assume he’s just having a ‘Dr. Bill Evans Moment’, and that he means ‘Shoulder Surgery’.  Not that he needs to have an Infantryman removed from his back.

    FROM THE LOOKS OF THIS ‘BUTT FUMBLE’ PHOTO, IT APPEARS SANCHEZ NEEDS TO HAVE A ‘GUARD’ REMOVED FROM HIS LEFT CHEEK

    7:09:22 a.m. – Imus asks Bernie a question, but Bernie is already on his way to the Fox Studios for the Mensa Meeting, so, essentially, he is speaking to an empty chair.  “We finally have our Clint Eastwood moment", Connell observes.  Advantage: McShane.

    IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

    7:40:57 a.m. –  The Mensa Meeting.   This is the first time it will be convened with Gunz as an official, permanent member.  Don’t give yourself a headache trying to figure out how Gunz and the concept of people who score at the 98th percentile or higher on a standardized, supervised IQ test.  He’s there because Deirdre and Dagen think he’s ‘cute’.     

    GUNZ PREPARES FOR HIS FIRST APPEARANCE AS AN ‘OFFICIAL’ MEMBER OF THE MENSA MEETING

    8:05:33 a.m. –   Warner reveals that Gunz will not be in studio tomorrow or Monday, as he will be in Chicago deejaying some big event, and suggests that he might look up Carley’s fiancée’, Pete, to profess his love for Carley.  Warner is of the mind that perhaps a confrontation might ensue.  As Carley’s fiancée was a former NFL candidate, and Gunz makes the cliché 98 pound weakling look like Lou Ferigno…we think not.  Warner believes there might actually be…a ‘duel’.

    GUNZ AND PETE VIE FOR THE HAND OF THE FAIR CARLEY

    8:11:33 a.m. –   Dagen reveals that Carley is wearing ‘Leg Makeup’.  Really?  LEG MAKEUP?  We might have to see that.  We DID notice they were all sparkly and stuff. 

    THAT’S A PRETTY SNAPPY LOOKING SET O’ GAMS.  MAKEUP OR NOT

    8:41:56 a.m. – Mary Matalin has called in sick this morning, and so will not be a guest, as she had been scheduled to be.  We wonder with what she could possibly have been stricken that would render her unable to pick up a phone, but the I-Man hypothesizes that  she was sickened by the Vladamir Putin letter to America on the Op Ed Page of this morning’s New York Times.

    POOR OL’ MARY’S ILLIN’

    9:09:56 a.m. –  The ‘Wy-Man’ ropes in 9 seconds flat.  Imus has Bigfoot play a video of the Rodeo prodigy roping a calf from Joe Beaver’s roping last weekend, and, we have to say, that boy’s got a future.  It’s a talent that will come in handy, as it won’t be very long before he will need to get on horseback and chase down and rope the old man when he starts wandering off.

    “DAMMIT, MOM!  DAD ESCAPED AGAIN!”

    9:19:36 a.m. –  The I-Man tells us that he has to interview a Spanish Tutor for Wyatt this afternoon, and wants to impress her with his proficiency in the language.  He asks Rob what he should say when he meets her. Rob offers the following:   “Hola, señora.  Me llamo Don Imus.  Encantada de conocerte    ¿Le gustaría ver a mi pinga, puta?”  Which means, “Hello Madam.  My name is Don Imus.  Pleased to meet you.  Would you like to see my penis, you whore?”

     DO YOU SPEAK SPANISH, MORON?

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A SIMPLE IQ TEST TO SEE WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE SMARTER THAN GUNZ

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0xtJxf75ME 

     

    You only found 3, didn’t you?

    Wednesday
    Sep112013

    Remembering 12 Years Ago Today

    6:05:00 a.m.  – We begin the program with the news that Eric Salgado, Neil Grimaldi, Sal Albanese, and Randy Credico all finished BEHIND Anthony Weiner in the Democratic Mayoral Primary yesterday.  If you can’t get more votes than a guy who texted pictures of his dick…you might want to reconsider your political aspirations. 

    FUTURE WAL-MART GREETERS CREDICO, SALGADO, ALBANESE AND GRIMALDI

    6:07:56 a.m. –  The I-Man reports that Sean Hannity was invited to be a guest on the program, but turned us down, because, according to his ‘people’…he’s busy with his kids going back to school.   We can’t imagine that sticking a PB&J into a brown paper bag, helping to pack a knapsack and walking the little knotheads to the bus stop would be so overwhelmingly time-consuming that he couldn’t spend 7 minutes to have a little on-air chat with the I-Man, but, apparently, that’s the case.  It’s not like the kids are being ‘Home Schooled’.  How about you hire some help, Sean?  We’re sure there’s an illegal Mexican Woman out there who is looking for some work.  Why not ask your landscaper if he’s got a sister?

    6:15:12 a.m. –  The I-Man will be getting a new, Gold, iPhone 5s when it comes out next Friday.  And you won’t.  And he will spend all morning insuring that you know that fact.

    THE I-MAN’S NEW IPHONE 5s IN A ‘RETRO’ CASE

    6:25:34 a.m. –  We have no 6:30 guest and so the I-Man tells Warner to take as much time as he wants for the Sports….WHAT?????  Does he know what he just did?  He gave the keys to the bank to Willie Sutton.  We can expect the results of the OshKosh International Tiddlywink Finals.   Turn your sets off…NOW.

    WARNER BE ROCKIN’ THAT TARTAN PLAID SPORTSJACKET

    6:55:45 a.m. –  Imus promotes ‘Blonde on blonde’.   “Deirdre and her Mom will be here to discuss the isshes…”   Lis Wiehl LOVES when the I-Man does that.  Because she knows there is no other 87 year old woman who looks as good as she does.

    LIS WIEHL IN THE GREENROOM, WAITING TO GO OUT ON SET FOR THIS WEEK’S ‘BLONDE ON BLONDE’

    7:09:22 a.m. –   Imus asks Dagen whether she saw the new Miley Cyrus ‘Wrecking Ball’ video, and if she is attracted to the artist formerly known as Hannah Montana.  It’s a yes and no deal.  The ‘yes’ being she HAS seen the video, the ‘no’, she finds Miley a little too ‘Mannish’ for her.  “Connell is more feminine than she is.”  Although we find her remark quite gratuitously hurtful…we somewhat agree with her assessment.

    NOW, THIS IS WHAT IS CONSIDERED A ‘HANDSOME’ LOOKING WOMAN

    7:40:57 a.m. – “Blonde on Blonde”…or as we like to call it, “Where’s that Viagra when I need it?”    The ladies discuss the new Miley Cyrus video, and whether they would allow their daughters to be filmed swinging naked on a wrecking ball, which, they emphatically maintain, they would not.  The real question should be whether or not THEY would allow THEMSELVES to be filmed swinging naked on a wrecking ball.  Unfortunately, the answer to that question would also be a ‘No’…which is a shame, because we think Lis would be an inspiration to Construction Crews everywhere:   “Hey Granny!  Get off the crane…we got a building to knock down!”

    LIS WIEHL’S ‘WRECKING BALL’

    8:05:33 a.m. –   The ‘Blonde on Blonde’ debriefing takes place, on air, as Imus defends his position that Deirdre’s problem is that she is not precise.  The D-Woman did not provide an accurate account of her whereabouts on 9-11 enough to the I-Man’s satisfaction, and, not uncharacteristically, we  side with Mrs. Imus enough to wish that she purchases a ‘My Pillow’ to hold over the I-Man’s face…until he stops thrashing.

    “DIADRO” PLACES A PILLOW OVER “DONALDO”, IN THE MOST RECENT EPISODE OF  “LOS SORDOS VAQUERO FAMILIA”, THE UNIVISION TELE-NOVELA ABOUT THE IMUS FAMILY   

    8:21:33 a.m. –   During a live read for PT-9, yet another Chamonix product that is not specifically designed to, but somehow manages to accomplish, erection enhancement, the I-Man comes of with the Phrase of the Day:  “It’ll put a bumper jack on your wiener.”   It’s like having your own Bedroom Pit Crew.

    PT-9 FROM CHAMONIX…WILL GIVE YOUR WEINER THE ‘BUMPERJACK EFFECT’

    8:41:56 a.m. –   The I-Man discusses Syria with Juan Williams, and whether or not we should trust Putin and Al-Assad.   Them saying they are going to get rid of Syria’s Chemical Weapons is the Geo-Political equivalent of saying, “Don’t worry, I’m just going to put the tip in.”

    THE LAST PERSON TO TRUST VLADIMIR PUTIN

    9:11:56 a.m. –  Imus, comments on our Program Director at WABC Radio, Tony Mascaro, whom he affectionately refers to as ‘Fat Tony’, despite the fact that Mr. Mascaro is not overweight.  “But he has a ‘fat aura’” the I-Man insists.  We wonder how one would sense a ‘Fat Aura’…

    TONY MASCARO AND HIS ‘FAT AURA’

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN HONOR OF THOSE AMERICANS WHO WE LOST 12 YEARS AGO TODAY, WE OFFER THE FOLLOWING MUSICAL TRIBUTES

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRvVzaQ6i8A

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xk1P1913y0

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drDSALCKH_Y

     

     

    Tuesday
    Sep102013

    Will the Real Don Imus Please Stand Up

    6:05:00 a.m.  –  The I-Man relates a story about a phone conversation he had with his dear friend, Mike Lupica, yesterday.  Apparently, ‘Lupy’ was was in the car, and, safe driver that he is, was going ‘Hands Free’ and put The Boss on speakerphone.  Unfortunately, unbeknownst to Imus, Mikey’s  lovely wife, Taylor, was in the car with him, and heard every foul and filthy word uttered by The I-Man.   He should’ve known better.  If Lupica is in the car, he is never alone, as he  is in the back in the booster seat.

    LUPICA:  ONE DAY HE WILL BE IN THE ‘BIG BOY CHAIR’

    6:07:56 a.m. –  Dr. Bill Evans will be at the golf outing.  He will be happy to know that the Edgewood Country Club has Valet Parking.  As Lupica will not be in attendance due to a prior commitment on his book tour, Evans will be the subject of the majority of Rob’s material at the dinner that evening.  He thinks his old lady beat him up…

    A QUIET SATURDAY NIGHT AT THE EVANS HOUSEHOLD

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Bernard has said that the I-Man’s hair makes him look like Phyllis Diller.  K.T. suggests he looks more like Albert Einstein.   We, on the other hand, believe he just attempted to pee through a straw.

    WILL THE REAL DON IMUS…PLEASE STAND UP?

    7:03:45 a.m. – Dagen promotes an upcoming story from her Business Report…about a ‘Driverless Car’.  Imus remarks that, back in the old days, with Brant behind the wheel, he also had no driver…and, by the way, no pants.

    UNLIKE BRANT, THE DRIVERLESS CAR…NEVER GETS LOST

    7:17:22 a.m. –   Dagen observes that John Kerry ‘Looks Different’.  His face is much fuller.  She suggests that perhaps he is juicing.  There may be some credence to that theory.  His Batting Average has spiked significantly.

    JOHN KERRY.  JUICING?  WHO’S TO SAY?

    7:40:57 a.m. –  Mike Baker is on to discuss Syria.  Dagen thinks he’s the perfect man.  “He can get it done…and then afterwards, shiv somebody who’s  wronged you.”

    8:05:33 a.m. –   “If you’re rocking those ‘Bling Jeans’, and you got a big ol’ butt…don’t do that.”   The I-Man, imploring Fashion Conscious Big Butted Women everywhere.

    NO ‘BLING’ IF YOU’RE A ‘BIG THING’…UNLESS YOU’RE GOING TO A SIR MIX A LOT CONCERT, IN WHICH CASE, ‘I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE’

    8:27:56 a.m. –  Despite the fact that he watched the VMA’s, TIVOed the VMAs and watched them again with Deirdre and Wyatt, the I-Man was unaware that Rob was actually AT the VMAs, prominently featured in Katy Perry’s final musical number.  Perhaps he just assumed Louie Anderson’s career got a shot in the arm…

    “WHO’S THE FAT DUDE BEHIND KATY PERRY?”

    8:41:56 a.m. –   Fred Dicker is on to discuss Weiner.  Dicker on Weiner.  Sounds like a typical Saturday Night at the Ramrod.    

    DICKER AND WEINER FEELING ‘COCKY’

    9:06:46 a.m. –  Deirdre has sent the I-Man an email.  “You need to go back to wearing the Sports Jackets and Western Shirts and stop talking about women in their jeans.”  He suggests that instead of writing him emails about his appearance and how he should conduct his program, she should be worried about whipping up some lunch for him when he gets home.  We obviously know who wears the jeans in the Imus household.  The I-Man.   At least when Deirdre’s not around.

    A QUIET SATURDAY NIGHT AT THE IMUS HOUSEHOLD

    9:11:56 a.m. –  Imus has made a pronouncement:  From now on, in lieu of the Overly Expensive Joseph Abboud Sports Jackets, and Custom Made Western Shirts, he is going to wear his coffee stained denim jackets and Hanes T-Shirts…or, as the homeless to whom will eventually receive these garments refer to them:  “Formal Wear”

    “GOT ANY MORE OF THOSE NIKES LEFT, I-MAN?”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IS THAT BURGESS MEREDITH?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uORS5QZDIsM

    Monday
    Sep092013

    Mr. Syria's Hummus

    6:05:00 a.m. –     We are back after a two week hiatus,  and the I-Man landed at Teterboro a mere 6 hours ago.  No sleep does not a happy Imus make, and we fear the worst, but the old Cowboy is actually in a good mood.  It’s almost as if he’s missed us.  Almost.  We’re not…stupid.

     

    6:07:56 a.m. –  The program is not even 7 minutes old and the Boss has already related another one of his notorious, social faux pas.  Roxanne Roundtree, the incredibly inspirational woman who suffers from Lou Gehrig’s Disease, is confined to a wheelchair, and communicates via eyeblinks, brought her family to support Wyatt in his Rodeo yesterday afternoon.  Neither of her sons were competing…they came all the way across Texas just to cheer on The Wy-Man.  The Boss left his horse trailer and walked to the grandstand, a distance of approximately 40 feet, the effort, rendering the pulmonary challenged cowboy… literally breathless.  As he bent down to kiss Miss Roundtree on the forehead, he let her know that He was having a hard time breathing.  We imagine she blinked to offer him her wheelchair for his trip back to the trailer.  You literally CAN’T MAKE THIS UP.

    THE INCREDIBLE ROUNDTREE FAMILY

    ROXANNE WOULD’VE BLINKED ‘SUCK IT UP YOU PUSSY’ TO THE BOSS,

     BUT IT WOULD’VE TAKEN WAY TOO LONG, AND HE’D ONLY GET MORE WINDED

    6:22:12 a.m. –  Imus tells Dagen that a lot of the old guys at the Rodeo…really like her.  That’s exactly what she needs.  A bunch of Crusty, Toothless, Southwestern Cowboys lusting after her.

    “YOU SHURE ARE PURTY, DAGEN!  WANNA SEE WHERE THE HORSE BIT ME?”

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Bo Dietl is on to discuss the military, Syria, but, more importantly, his role on an upcoming episode of ‘Boardwalk Empire.’

    BO, ‘GUEST STAR-A-TATING’ ON THE HBO HIT

    7:13:45 a.m. –   “The Worst Mexican Restaurant On The PLANET is in Stephenville Texas.”  Imus won’t tell us what the name of it is…but it’s gotta be pretty bad if he thinks it’s worse than Taco Bell.

    “MENUS?  WE DON’T GOT TO SHOW YOU NO STEENKIN’ MENUS!”

    7:17:22 a.m. –   Connell reports that the British Prime Minister misplaced the ‘Red Box’…which is the English version of what we, here in the U.S.A., would call ‘The Nuclear Football’, vessel in which the most important of government documents are kept.  Here, the ‘Red Box’ is the machine in front of the 7-11 where you can rent DVDs for a buck.

    WE DON’T THINK THAT THE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER WOULD BE ABLE TO LOSE THIS

    7:19:37 a.m. –   Carley reveals that she still finds guys with tattoos and beards hot…and then drops THIS titillating fact:  Teeth, apparently, are optional.  And yet, strangely enough, Gunz STILL couldn’t get a date with her.  In other words, the meth head ‘Tilt-A-Whirl’ operator at the traveling carnival has a better chance with Carley than Gunz does.

    CARLEY’S DREAM MAN…BECAUSE IN ADDITION TO ROCKING THE 70’S PORN STAR ‘STACHE, AND A TATTOO ON HIS NAVEL THAT SAYS ‘FOR THE LADIES’, WITH AN ARROW POINTING ‘DOWNTOWN’…HE’LL GIVE HER ONE OF THOSE ‘RIDE FOR FREE’ BRACELETS IN EXCHANGE FOR HER PHONE NUMBER

    7:21:40 a.m. –  Connell reports an unfortunate story about a San Francisco 49er fan who fell to his death off the walkway at the Stadium…a tragedy that results in the I-Man coining the ‘Phrase of the Day’:  “Sidewalk Pizza”.

    SIDEWALK PIZZA (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    7:26:33 a.m. –   We learn that Gunz’s girlfriend broke up with him over the weekend.  Ironically, she had a beard, no teeth, and worked at a traveling carnival, running the bumper cars. 

    GUNZ’S EX.  TO BE HONEST, SHE DOESN’T LOOK ALL THAT BUSTED UP OVER BEING SINGLE AGAIN

    7:40:34 a.m. –   Dr. Walid Phares is on to scare us about Syria.  I-Man has already told us that he won’t understand a single word Dr. Phares will say.   He will ask a question, and when the Doc’s lips stop moving, he will ask another…until the interview is over, and then he can ask Bernie off the air what Dr. Phares said and what he should think about it.

    YOU DON’T THINK DR. PHARES GETS STOPPED AT THE AIRPORT SECURITY FOR ‘EXTRA SCREENING’ DO YOU?

    8:05:33 a.m. –   Dr. Bill Evans wonders what the I-Man brought back for him from Texas.  “A Parking Space”, the Boss offers.  Oh, snap.  (If you don’t get the joke…do a Google Search)

    WHAT YOU GET FOR THE MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING…OR AT LEAST HALF OF EVERYTHING

    8:05:33 a.m. –   The I-Man has vowed not to get ‘Ugly’ about it…yet…but he ‘recommends’ that District 9 Junior High Rodeo Organizers start making their venues Handicapped Accessible.  If they know what’s good for them, that is.  We see some Ramp Building and elevators being installed…rather quickly, in fact.

    NOW THAT WASN’T ALL THAT HARD, WAS IT?

    8:21:33 a.m. –   Imus wonders if the Sports Report is ‘News’ to Warner, as Mr. Wolf doesn’t appear to be up on the University of Texas being upset by BYU.  It’s not that…Warner just doesn’t follow Mormons.

    BRIGHAM YOUNG UNIVERSITY’S NEW UNIFORMS

    8:41:56 a.m. –   Christopher ‘Mad Dog’ Russo is on, and we couldn’t be happier, as this dude brings it, and brings it hard, EVERY day.  That is…he’s certifiably INSANE.  The ‘Mad Dog’ isn’t just a cute nickname.  It’s the genuine diagnosis given to him by the Psychiatric Staff at Bellevue, after being brought there one afternoon, foaming at the mouth after a long rant about a particularly close San Francisco Giants.

    WILL CLARK STILL HAS A STANDING ORDER OF PROTECTION

    9:11:56 a.m. –  A clip of Charlie Rose’s interview with Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad  is played, and the I-Man makes the following observation:  “He’s rocking that Chris Wallace chin…and he’s got a speech impediment.  I like my despots to have a number of infirmities…no chin and a lisp.”  Leave it to the I-Man to reduce one of the most evil dictators in the world to an overly sibilant Chris Wallace lookalike.  We wonder if Assad’s wife wrote a cookbook about HER chinless husband, much as Lorraine Wallace did with her ‘Mr. Sunday’s Soups’…

    ASMA AL-ASSAD’S SOON TO BE NUMBER ONE NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Just like the I-Man, we, too, like our Dictators to be quirky, chinless Despots.

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnszgkE3O8g

     

    Friday
    Aug232013

    Battle of the Bands

    6:05:00 a.m. –     Imus is outraged.  Not because a guest blew us off, or Bigfoot couldn’t get a piece of video in time, or he can’t get any hot coffee…no, the Shoer at the Ranch, (and Champion Archer) Doug Crispin, maintains that Delbert McClinton is just ‘Okay.’   “Who’s better than Delbert?” an incredulous Imus demands to know.  “Omar and the Howlers.”     Yah.  And we suppose you also think K.C. and the Sunshine Band blows the Beatles out of the water.

    ON HAIRSTYLE ALONE THESE GUYS AREN’T AS GOOD AS DELBERT

    6:11:56 a.m. –  Dagen is out again today.  “She said she can’t put anything on her face.” Meaning, of course, makeup, as she has a nasty wound on her cheek from an unfortunate encounter with a cabinet door.  “How about a paper bag?”  Imus suggests.  Oh, the empathy!  Physician…heal thyself.

    A SUGGESTION FOR SOME I-MAN HEADGEAR…ACTUALLY, HE MIGHT WANT TO WEAR TWO…IN CASE THE FIRST ONE RIPS

    6:22:12 a.m. –  Filling in for Dagen, Connell finishes his Business Report, and the patient-to-a-fault  I-Man chastises him for ‘stopping talking’.   “But I was finished.”  Connell insists.  “I thought you had a stroke …how about a toss, or something…anything to indicate you’re done.”   “Back to you, I-Man.”   We are certain Connell is going to do that after EVERY report.  News, Business AND weather.

    CONNELL IS DONE, I-MAN

    6:27:12 a.m. –  Somehow, the name of John Batchelor is invoked on the program, an incident, to which, Imus offers, “John Batchelor eats puppies.”   John is…an unusual man, to say the least.  He hosts a radio show here on WABC at night, that caters to the Conspiracy Theorist and Tin Foil hat wearing crowd…the kind who believe Elvis and JFK are at AREA 51 as we speak, helping Jimmy Hoffa take the Lindberg Baby for its trip on the Mother Ship.  John…scares us. 

    THIS IS, CLEARLY, THE FACE OF A MAN WHO JUST POLISHED OFF A LITTLE SCHNAUZER, WITH SOME FAVA BEANS AND A NICE CHIANTI

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Ol’ Lightbulb Head, Paul Begala, is on, and we are free to use that nickname, as the I-Man no longer needs Paul to help Wyatt get into University of Texas. The I-Man is now on a first name basis with President of the U of T, Bill Powers, officially making the Boss a ‘Friend of TWO Bills.’

    WILLIAM POWERS…A LITTLE UNDER THE WEATHER?

    7:05:22 a.m. –   Imus tells us that he’s received a lovely email from Don Roundtree, the husband of the inspirational Roxanne Roundtree, of  Roxie’s Recipes, a book which we have discussed at length in these pages.  Don reveals that he has loved his wife ever since they were in the first grade.  Interestingly enough, the other Don reveals that he has loved HIS wife…since SHE was in the first grade…which was about 10 years ago.

    MRS. IMUS’ WAS A BEAUTIFUL BRIDE

    7:25:37 a.m. –   The Fox Business Special on the Ranch, ‘Changing Lives’ will air on Labor Day.  You can rest easy knowing that the I-Man WILL be able to watch it…from his Horse Trailer, which is equipped with a Satellite Dish.

    “IT SUCKS TO HAVE HOOVES…WE CAN’T CHANGE THE CHANNEL…AND MR. ED IS ON CHANNEL 689, TOO!”

    8:18:40 a.m. –  We anxiously await Liz Claman’s interview with Bob Greifeld from NASDAQ.  Warner takes notes, as he took an F.B.I. course that dealt with recognizing the little physical ‘tells’ that would indicate someone is lying.  Apparently, Greifeld used his hands for emphasis a little too much, in Warner’s view…and so he poses the question:  “What kind of person uses their hands so much when they talk?”  Well, Warner… they’re called Italians.

    A VISUAL PRIMER ON HOW TO SPEAK ITALIAN…

    …AND ITALIAN PRIME MINISTER SILVIO BERLUSCONI WITH THE MOST COMMONLY USED

    8:25:52 a.m. –   Well, that’s 7 minutes and 12 seconds we’ll never get back.  That was pretty pointless.  And tedious.  AND asenine. 

    BOB AND LIZ, EARLIER THIS YEAR, ‘FISTING’ WITH A SHARED PAIR OF FOX BUSINESS CHANNEL PROMOTIONAL GLOVES

    8:26:33 a.m. –   After reading a Chamonix PT-9 commercial, in which a letter some dude wrote the I-Man telling him about his experiences with his prostate troubles, Imus is inspired to wonder “Why would you write a letter telling people about the problems you’re having with your penis?”   We wonder the same thing, when it’s so much easier just to text a photo of it. 

    CONGRESSMAN WEINER…OBVIOUSLY NOT IN NEED OF PT9.  HE’S GOT NO PROBLEM GETTING A ‘HEART ON’

    8:33:33 a.m. –   Wyatt brings the I-Man his breakfast, and is promptly chastised, the boss  taking exception to his son’s interrupting him when he is on the air.  “I’m bringing you your yogurt!” the Wy-Man exasperatedly exclaims. “Here’s what I’m gonna do now…when you rope today, I’m going to talk to you when you’re backing your horse into the chute.”  “I wasn’t talking to you, I was bringing you yogurt!”  This won’t be the last time he interrupts the Boss when he’s on the air.  That will be when he has his cowboy boot firmly standing on the oxygen hose.   He offers to open the yogurt for his father…as he, rightfully, is under the impression that Imus isn’t strong enough to do it himself.  The next time, however, the yogurt will be pre-opened…and stirred so the fruit will be mixed in…along with the urine.

    “PUT THOSE LIPS AWAY, OLD MAN. YOU’RE CREEPING ME OUT.”

    8:40:22 a.m. –   Thomas Friedman is on.  We are late to get to him…which is less disrespectful of him than it is a public service to the listening and viewing audience.  Mr. Friedman is here to discuss the situation in Egypt.  Which has traditionally stable over the last couple thousand years...

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE BATTLE OF THE BANDS

    OMAR AND THE HOWLERS

    VS.

    DELBERT MCCLINTON

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBciqJMscGQ 

    OMAR

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUmQ2-nuTng

    DELBERT

     

    YOU BE THE JUDGE

    IS DOUG CRISPIN A MORON?  OR JUST ‘MUSICALLY CHALLENGED’?