6:05:10 a.m. – Connell is not here. He says he’s in Ireland, but then again, Charles said he was going to Arkansas…and nobody ever heard from him again. Bernard is filling in to do the National News. It’s a little unsettling. Every time he goes to an Actuality Soundbite, we expect to hear Conan O’Brien’s voice.
DAN ‘RATHER NOT’
6:07:14 a.m. – Lori reports that there were, indeed ‘Fireworks’ at the Rothman Household this Fourth of July. We assume Frodo must’ve busted open a case of Viagra, so there was enough for ‘Two Towers’. (See what we did there? The Lord of the Rings reference?) Although we are not sure what Lori would consider ‘Fireworks’. Are we talking a Grucci Finale Display? Or holding a sparkler in the backyard?
6:15:30 a.m. – Brad Thor is in with his new book, Act of War, which he describes as ‘Faction’. That’s a term he coined to describe a novel where “You don’t know where the facts end and fiction begins.” We wonder if that’s similar to the phrase “Bestsucker” for a book that’s on the New York Times Bestseller list, despite the fact that it sucks. Which would be one of Lis Wiehl’s books…if she ever actually WROTE a book.
7:06:28 a.m. – Imus extolls the virtues of the Cleaners at 5200 Eubank N.E. in Albuquerque, who he has entrusted with his shirts. He only had to tell them how he wanted them ONCE, and they’ve gotten it right ever since. It took him TEN YEARS to get Hallak Cleaners to get the message. Never mind the fact that for what Hallak charges, you can get 20 shirts done in Albuquerque. Apparently, the only problem with the joint is the name: “The Cleanery” We guess the name “The Shirtery’ was already taken. Good thing they don’t own a Port o’ Potty business. We’re not sure we’d feel comfortable using a commode from ‘The S#!+ery’.
WONDER IF THEY WILL DELIVER TO CENTRAL PARK WEST?
7:20:24 a.m – Warner reports that all the Soccer Teams whose coaches forbid them to have sex before THE games are now out of the competition. All the teams that got their respective Freaks On, are still in. So we guess U.S.A. wasn’t allowed to have intercourse, so they decided to just F&^% us.
MAYBE IF YOU’D JUST KNOCKED BOOTS WITH SOMEONE ON THE WOMEN’S TEAM, YOU WOULDN’T BE SUCH A LOSER
7:39:34 a.m. – MIGHT BE ELVIS, the weekly ‘Rate A Record’ segment, with Rodeo Prodigy and Guns ‘n Roses fan Wyatt Imus is filling in for Dagen McDowell. Ryan Adams, is first up. He’s the dude from the Country Band ‘Whiskeytown’, and NOT the Canadian from ‘The Summer of ‘69’. However, coincidentally, Ryan’s song also ‘Cuts Like a Knife’, (which was a hit for the aforementioned Bryan Adams), in that, we want to slit our own throats, after stabbing him to death. Second up is ‘Rude’ from a group called ‘Magic’, which could be renamed, ‘A Coupla White Guys Sitting Around Trying to Do Reggae.’ The panel isn’t feeling it, other than The I-Man and Gunz. So you KNOW it has to suck. Miles Davis is next, with ‘Summertime’, which was introduced by The Boss mentioning his playing the Bugle in the Marines in the same sentence as noting that Miles ‘Also played the trumpet’. The tune is an instrumental, in which, Mr. Davis is using the ‘Mute’ on his horn, which, unfortunately, didn’t mute the sound completely. Trevor says about Kenny Chesney’s ‘American Kids’ that it’s “Refreshing to hear a country song about living in a trailer park and having a good time.” Finally, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers’ “American Dream: Plan B”. Ahem. We hope Tom has plans C through J on tap. Because he’s very close to giving Bob Dylan’s status as “Most Out of Touch Wilbury’ a challenge.
THE PANEL ISN’T ALL THAT ENTHUSED ABOUT THE SONG CHOICES FOR ‘IT MIGHT BE ELVIS’
8:06:32 a.m. – “Former Navy Seal Leif Babin is coming up.” Imus promos our 830 guest. We can only hope that HE doesn’t have a book. But if he does, we know one thing: It’s GREAT! Brilliant! Can’t put it down. Even if he wrote it in crayon on toilet paper. ANYTHING he does is A-OK with us, because we would like to keep our spleens right where they are, and not pulled out through our nostrils.
THIS MAN CAN KILL YOU WITH A Q-TIP. HIS NAME IS LEIF BABIN. OR AS WE ALWAYS REFER TO HIM: “SIR YES SIR!”
8:09:18 a.m. – Bernie plays a clip of Rick Perry from his interview on ABC and the I-Man observes that, “Rick’s glasses don’t make him look any smarter.” He also notices that Rick is wearing the same tie as he did on his Fox News Appearance. Probably because he can’t find a decent Dry Cleaner in Texas. Apparently, Rick also hit on Deirdre when they ran into each other on Fox News…and he hit on her. You don’t have to be that smart OR have glasses to know ‘Fine’ when you meet it.
GOVERNOR PERRY TACKLING THE IMMIGRATION PROBLEM WITH HIS USUAL APLOMB
8:11:14 a.m. – Bernard does a story about Joan Rivers. Is this the News? Or the Briefing? Must be the News, because there was no sign of either Jimmy Kimmel or Jon Stewart.
BERNIE BACK WHEN HE CO-HOSTED THE NEWS WITH CONNIE CHUNG
8:38:14 a.m. – Leif Babin is on. Besides being a NAVY SEAL, Leif is one of the co-founders of ‘Echelon Front’, it’s a leadership training and consulting group that uses the lessons and skills learned by Babin and co-founder Jocko Willink during their military service to educate. And not some Domestic Terrorist Organization.
LEIF BABIN. NOT ‘THAT KIND’ OF FRONT
8:40:14 a.m. – Leif is on to discuss his tour of duty in Iraq, and the current deteriorating situation with ISIS. We think they could settle this problem if President Obama was only willing to say the following: “Hey you Motherf^%$ers. If you don’t stop this s&^%, we’re gonna tell…Leif.”
LEIF CHILLING ON THE BEACH. HE CAN CRUSH A PAINT CAN WITH HIS PECS.
9:05:14 a.m. – Imus comes back at the top of the hour to comment on a promo that aired on WABC AM, for whatever the evening Drive Time Programming is. The words ‘rough’ and ‘awful’ are among the few that are printable. We think it will definitely help to improve the ratings of that show, as we anticipate a bump in the number of people who tune in…just out of curiosity to see what a Train Wreck sounds like. Like Brad Thor, we again coin a new phrase. “Radio Rubbernecking.”
HEED THE SIGNS
9:08:17 a.m. – While researching the internet for a graphic for the above piece, we stumbled across a story that said Yoko Ono’s set at the Glastonbury Festival was the ‘Worst Live Performance of All Time.” First of all, if you’re buying a ticket to see Yoko Ono, you really have to know that it’s not exactly going to be a Beatles’ Reunion. Second of all, they can only claim that it was the ‘Worst Live Performance of All Time’ because they never saw Ron White in concert.
MAYBE YOKO WAS DOING HER ‘TATER SALAD’ BIT.
9:17:34 A.M. - Warner goes down ‘Memory Lane’ with the I-Man, reminiscing about Muhammad Ali and the David Remnick book King of the World. Warner doesn’t remember reading it, as it was published in the Fall of 1998, and Warner doesn’t remember he had half a tuna sandwich at the movies yesterday.
VIDEO OF THE DAY
In honor of Bernard’s debut as Newsman,
Here’s a collection of Classic ‘News Fails’