6:05:00 a.m. – The I-Man is illin’. He’s got chronic ‘Sicker Than 9 Dogs-itis’…a condition he is very prone to, succumbing about 10 or 12 times a year. Apparently, it’s due to the Hand Sanitizer being missing from both of the ‘Port Authority Clean’ bathrooms here on the third floor.
YOU NEED A HAZMAT SUIT, NOT HAND SANITIZER
6:14:56 a.m. – Pam Anderson, she of ‘Baywatch’ fame, finished the New York Marathon in 5 hours and change. We think her time may have been affected by her ‘Slow Motion Beach Run’ style. Congratulations to Ms. Anderson, not only for her time, but the efficacy of her sports bra, which effectively prevented her from crossing the finish line with two black eyes.
PAM ANDERSON 5:41:03, HER BREASTS: 5:37:07
6:15:12 a.m. – Warner went to see ‘Last Vegas’, a film that Dagen has dubbed ‘Cinematic Metamucil’, about four 70 year olds throwing a bachelor party for their friend who is marrying a 30 year old woman. A 70 year old marrying a 30 year old? Obviously, ‘Ender’s Game’ wasn’t the only Sci Fi flick in the theaters this weekend. Warner says he laughed a couple of times, despite the fact that nobody called him to audition.
WARNER’S SCREEN TEST FOR ‘LAST VEGAS’
6:25:34 a.m. – Warner is 4-7 on his picks, 6-5 if you don’t count the spread, but of course, we ALWAYS count the spread. He’s officially 100 imaginary dollars in the hole, although, given his height, he always LOOKS like he’s standing in a hole. His poor performance delights the I-Man, despite his sickness…that and the fact that Michigan suffered a crushing loss to Michigan State, an eventuality that, no doubt, sent Carley’s fiancée Pete into a tizzy. Carley has taken his belt, tie and shoelaces from him.
IT’S ONLY A GAME, PETE.
6:40:28 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on, and he begins his spot by addressing the President directly, into camera. “I know you’re watching, Barack” he says. At first we get the impression that Bo has found out that Obama tunes in every Monday to watch Bo, but then we catch him in the Green Room saying the very same thing the coffee pot. He discusses ‘Stop and Frisk’ he suggests that, back when he was still ‘On the Job’, he would leave people with a smile on their faces…as he had ‘Fast Hands’ and a ‘Tender Touch.’ Something his girlfriends have attested to as well. Especially the ‘Fast’ part.
“MINE IS STROKING MY JUNK.”
“MINE HAS HIS GUN AGAINST MY BACK…AT LEAST I HOPE THAT’S HIS GUN.”
7:09:22 a.m. – Carley confirms our suspicions that Pete was upset by Michigan’s humiliating performance against their State rival, Michigan State. After the game, she sent him a loving ‘How are you doing? I miss you and love you.’ Text. He responds “I can’t talk right now. I’m in a really bad place.” Just where might that be? Olive Garden?
THE GREEN SIDE IS MUCH BETTER THAN THE BLUE SIDE
7:11:36 a.m. – In the new book ‘Double Down’, Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, have quoted former President Bill Clinton as saying that President Obama, in his re-election campaign was “Luckier than a dog with two dicks.” We don’t know if a dog with that condition is, indeed, lucky. As it would have to lift TWO legs to take a leak. Which would result in slamming its testicles on the sidewalk.
“WHAT CAN I SAY? YOU’RE LOOKING AT THREE BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.”
7:40:19 a.m. – Anna-Sigga Nicolazzi is on, and Tony has had quite the time this morning, watching the I-Man promo her appearance, pronouncing the Brooklyn D.A.’s name. It’s like watching a guy in clown shoes tap dance in a minefield.
“OOPS! ANNA-SIGGA…PLEASE! HELP ME!”
8:05:33 a.m. – Even though his condition is getting worse, (He is now sicker than 55 dogs) the Boss is getting no love at home. He was coughing last night and Deirdre says “You weren’t coughing today…” Yes. But he’s coughing now. What’s your point, Enviro-Woman? “I’m dead.” “Well, you weren’t dead this afternoon…”
JESUS, I-MAN, COVER YOUR MOUTH! WE DON’T WANT YOUR I-COOTIES!
8:16:12 a.m. – Connell reports a story about a Georgia Man who flicked his lighter while he was gassing up, effectively setting his wife on fire. Smoking while re-fueling is one of the things that inspired the Jeff Foxworthy ‘You Might Be A Redneck’ bit. What’s the last words you hear a redneck say before he sets someone on fire? “Hey, y’all. Watch this!” We can only hope this guy stays in the garage with the door closed and the motor running to hear the whole live version of Lynryd Skynyrd’s ‘Freebird’ when he gets home.
“HEY OTIS! GIMME A LIGHT, WOULDJA?”
8:40:12a.m. – Lori Rothman is on. She’s going to see the Eagles this weekend. Warner is impressed that she’s going all the way to Green Bay this Sunday. Actually, she’s going to Madison Square Garden to see the ‘Eagle-eez’, Don and Glenn and Timothy B. and Joe. Warner is confused. He didn’t think the Garden was big enough to host an NFL Game. It is, however, large enough to host a boxing match, which, hopefully, the concert will degenerate into.
THEIR KIND OF ‘LONG RUN’ IS VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE BAND’S
8:55:47 a.m. – The I-Man has gone home. He is now, officially, sicker than 632 dogs. And is about to collapse on the 24 Yard Line. Connell takes the helm, as he has done so many times before. We are confident that the show is in good hands.
9:05:29 a.m. – …until it becomes his turn to pronounce the name ‘Anna-Sigga Nicolazzi’. The inevitable, of course, happens. He ‘Zigga-ed’…when he should’ve ‘Zagga-ed’. It happens. It’s not our fault her parents were European.
EVEN MIKE HUNT, SEYMOUR BUTTS AND DIXIE NORMOUS THINK ANNA HAS A PRETTY EFFED UP NAME
VIDEO OF THE DAY
WE NEVER KNEW THAT HAND SANITIZER WAS SUCH A HUGE ISSUE,
BUT ACCORDING TO CHRISTIAN COMEDIAN TIM HAWKINS, IT IS SOMEWHAT CONTROVERSIAL