6:05:00 a.m. – Sydney Leathers, the ‘Weiner Skank’ who is currently sucking every second out of her Warholian 15 Minutes of Fame, has, shockingly, signed with a porn producer to make a sex tape. The I-Man announces that ‘The door has opened for Gunz.’ We hate to tell him, but we don’t think Gunz has even got a shot with THIS Skeeze.
SORRY GUNZ…EVEN THIS IS OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE
6:07:57 a.m. – The Boss said that yesterday, this Go Round of kids had their Rodeo, up at the ‘Joseph Abboud Arena’. Joseph Abboud? They actually named a Rodeo Arena after….JOSEPH ABBOUD? Well, now that we get to thinking about it, we suppose it makes sense…he is a kind of…Wrangler…
“YIPPEE KAI YI…HEY!”
6:10:17 a.m. – Connell is going out to the Ranch for the week on Sunday and… “…he’s not even here yet, and he’s ALREADY a HUGE pain in the ass.” We can see the writing on the wall. After all is said and done…Connell will wish he had spent the week at Guantanamo than with the I-Man. At least at Guantanamo you can get Meatloaf.
MCSHANE MEETS ONE OF THE DOGS FROM THE RANCH
6:15:42 a.m. – Dagen reports that Ben & Jerry’s, the Hippie Ice Cream magnates, have emerged victorious in a lawsuit against the Porn Producer, Caballero, who shot a line of Ben & Jerry’s flavor themed dirty movies, which, unfortunately, will no longer remain available. We’re actually sorry we’re going to miss “Lost Cherry Garcia”… “Pink Banana Split”… “Hubby’s Chubby” and “Chunky Monkey.” We’re not sure there was a movie associated with ‘Chunky Monkey’…but we can only imagine what that involved…
BEN AND JERRY’S LOGO: BEFORE AND AFTER
6:21:13 a.m. – Warner: “Did you know Aardvark is the first word in the dictionary?” Um…no, we didn’t, Warner, although we always assumed the word ‘A’ was the first. We know what the last one is: “Zzzzzzzz”. And we think you should avail yourself of the definition and ‘Take a Nap’.
“AARDVARK (NOUN) …SEE ‘CRAZY SPORTSCASTER’”
6:40:18 a.m. – N.Y. Post Reporter, Fred Dicker, is on to discuss Weiner. “Dicker on Weiner”. Yes. You are correct. We ARE literally living in a ‘Who’s on First’ routine.
THE LAW FIRM OF ‘DICKER…WEINER AND…ROOSTER”
7:05:17 a.m. – “That Bradley Manning is gonna be getting’ some ‘Junk in his trunk’.” - The I-Man’s prediction for the U.S. Army PFC’s fate.
BRADLEY MANNING, (ON R. IN BLACK LEATHER) WILL BE A VERY POPULAR PRISONER
7:07:09 a.m. – Connell reports on the CDC investigating this sudden breakout of Cyclospora infection…a strange stomach virus that is causing symptoms that include ‘Explosive Diarrhea.’ Just that very term strikes fear in our hearts, not to mention creates a mental image of a fireworks display we’d rather avoid.
THE AFTERMATH OF A PARTICULARLY BAD CASE OF ‘EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA’
7:21:33 a.m. – Warner got some sun yesterday…he’s pretty tan, and although he looks healthy, the image of him on the roof of his gym…all oiled up…with his shirt off…is…well, disturbing, to say the least.
AFTER WORKING OUT WITH SOME FREE WEIGHTS, WARNER LIKES TO GET AT LEAST 30 MINUTES ON THE TANNING BED
7:25:22 a.m. – Last night, the I-Man was watching Frances and Donnie Swaggart, (Notorious Hooker Hiring Evangelist Jimmy Swaggart’s Wife and Son, respectively) getting exorcised, and taking exception at Bishop TuTu’s remarks that he could not love a homophobic God. In a related story…Bishop TuTu takes exception at “Those two phony Jesus Freak @$$holes.”
BISHOP TUTU: “I COULD NOT LOVE THESE TWO HOMOPHOBES”
7:39:11a.m. – Time for “Blonde on Blonde”, or as we like to call it: “Where’s that copy of Final Exit when you need it?” The I-Man begins with a remark about how impressive a man is Don Roundtree, the husband of Roxy Roundtree, the extraordinary woman whose story was subject of much of yesterday’s blog. He is as much an embodiment of the concept of ‘Unconditional Love’ as you will ever encounter…the loyalty and devotion for his wife, an ALS sufferer, is nothing short of remarkably inspirational. The I-Man informs Deirdre that he will not be able to achieve the same standard: “You get a cold…and I’m out of here.”
DEIRDRE AND THE I-MAN…SHORTLY AFTER HE SUFFERED THAT SHARP BLOW TO HIS HEAD
8:08:01 a.m. – If we are to effort the Gunz/Sydney Leathers union, Gunz is going to need a good Porn Name. “Snub Nose” and “Derringer” seem likely candidates. Dagen notes that Leathers is a Skeezer, the type of which you would not even see in the likes of ‘Hustler’ magazine. We maintain that she’s more likely to make the Centerfold of ‘Field and Stream”.
“TAKE MY HAND AND I’LL TAKE YOU THERE…THERE’S A PLACE FOR US…SOMEWHERE…”
8:15:01 a.m. – Shea Allen, an Alabama Reporter got fired for her blog posts…wait a minute! You can get fired for that? Uh oh. We’re outta here. Apparently, Ms. Allen revealed that sometimes she goes on the air…without wearing a bra. Rob does the same thing. Sometimes…it looks like he’s smuggling peas across the border two at a time…
IT’S VERY COLD IN THE STUDIO MOST MORNINGS
8:38:01 a.m. – Jake Tapper calls in on time for his scheduled interview, but, apparently, is ‘Too Big’ a star to hold while the I-Man gets some spots out of the way. Working for CNN will do that to a person…make them lose perspective, and become delusional to the point where they actually think they A- Have a career, and B- Are actually ON television. Imus, however, takes this disrespect in his customary stride… and wails on Tapper like Foreman did on Frasier in Jamaica. Three Mile Island and Fukushima didn’t melt down that fast.
9:01:07 a.m. – Anthony Weiner unveils his new 60 second campaign ad, which is about 50 seconds longer than his phone sex conversations lasted before he… ‘arrived’ at his destination. In the ad, he addresses his refusal to bow out of the race, because “That’s not how New Yorkers roll…” Oh, snap. Weiner just went all ‘1993’ on us. Way to go with the 20 year old reference, you moron. But, than again, knowing you were texting photos of your penis AGAIN after having to resign from Congress the FIRST time you did it would be an indication that you’re not exactly ‘Final Jeopardy Worthy’. That was really ‘Fresh to Death’, Anthony. “Don’t Hate The Mayor, Hate The Game”…actually, that would even be too clever for him. But…Word to your Mom.
RUN DMC – ‘TOUGHER THAN SYDNEY LEATHERS’
Ed. Note: Tony wants it known how ‘Hip’ that joke is. Apparently, Legendary Hip Hop Artists, Run DMC’s CLASSIC Album was called
“Tougher than Leather”
See what we did there? You’re welcome.
VIDEO OF THE DAY
WE HATE TO DO THIS, BUT TO ALL OF YOU SUFFERERS OF ‘EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA’, WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE ‘FEEL YOUR PAIN’. ACCEPT THIS CLIP FROM ‘DUMB AND DUMBER’ AS OUR WAY OF LETTING YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE. WHICH IS ABOUT AS DISGUSTING A THOUGHT AS WE COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE THIS MORNING.