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Inside Imus Control Center
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    Wednesday
    Jan152014

    Country Music Royalty Rosanne Cash!

    6:05:10 a.m. –    Country Music Royalty is here this morning.  The Amazing Rosanne Cash.  She and her husband, John Leventhal, are here with a kickass band to do songs from her new album, ‘The River & The Thread’.  It’s her first new songs in 7 years, and all of them were inspired by her family history and driving south.  She had Brain Surgery in 2007 and you wouldn’t know it to hear her talk.  Weird that the I-Man has NOT had Brain Surgery, yet he sounds like he should have.

    ROSEANNE CASH – THE REAL DEAL

    6:06:12 a.m. –  Connell reports about the NSA’s ability to monitor computers that AREN’T connected to the Internet.  (So you better be careful what games you decide to play on your Nintendo 64.) Connell warns that ‘Nobody’s secrets are safe.’   The I-Man maintains that he has no secrets that he’s afraid about getting out.  We think Deirdre may have one or two…like, for instance, the identity of Wyatt’s real father.

    “HIS DADDY IS…WHO?  WOW!  NO WONDER HE’S SUCH A GREAT CALF ROPER!”

    6:3234 a.m. – Ms. Cash, Mr. Leventhal and the band do ‘Etta’s Tune’, a plaintive song that has the recurring phrase ‘What’s the Temperature Darlin’?’   Another coincidence, because, every day this winter, Imus has asked the same question.  Of course, he substitutes the word ‘Numbnut’s for ‘Darlin’’, but, nonetheless he DOES ask it.  Repeatedly.  Partially because he’s forgotten he’s just asked it seconds ago, and partly because old people get cold.

    TEMPERATURE IMUS FEELS IN STUDIO             ACTUAL TEMPERATURE IN STUDIO

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The I-Man professes his love for Jimmy Swaggart, but mentions that “Donnie Swaggart’, the Rev’s son, looks like ‘The product of parents who may be related to each other more than just by marriage…he got them Amy Carter eyes.”

    DONNIE SWAGGART.  A CHIP OFF THE OL’…1ST COUSIN. 

    HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS ‘UNCLE DADDY’

    7:07:15 a.m. –  The I-Man, after interviewing the fascinating Ms. Cash and her husband remarks that she is one of the only musicians he can think of where the progeny was as talented and became as famous as their parent.  Rosanne certainly brings nothing but honor to the legacy of The Man in Black, her father, Johnny Cash.  Of course the same could be said about Nancy Sinatra.  Because as we sit here, one of Jilly Rizzo’s boys has a gun to our heads.

    BLANKET JACKSON.  WE’RE SURE HE’S JUST AS TALENTED AS HIS FATHER, MICHAEL.

    IF MICHAEL, IS, INDEED, HIS FATHER. 

    7:33:16a.m. – Rosanne and the band does ‘A Feather’s Not a Bird’.  The I-Man says that we won’t be able to get the tune out of our heads all day. 

    A FEATHER’S NOT A BIRD…AND A BIRD IS NOT A TURD

    (HER SONG WAS A LOT MORE ELEGANT…ALTHOUGH WE WISH SHE’D USED THE LYRICS WE WROTE HER)

    7:34:07 a.m. – I-Man is right.  We CAN’T get that song out of our heads.

    7:38:16a.m. – Blonde on Blonde, surprisingly, ends quite unpleasantly.  Deirdre and Lis have a heated argument about screaming babies being banned from restaurants…Deirdre is appalled, while Lis just wants to eat her 45 dollar baked potato in peace, which is not surprising when you consider what a selfish, self-absorbed, holier than thou, hideous child hating witch she is.  This leads Deirdre to go on a rant about parents with autism…which, we assume as the segment ends, will end with an off-air diatribe about the evils of vaccinations.  Thanks, Screaming Babies.  Because of you, we just lost Eli Lilly, makers of Thimerosal, as a sponsor.

    ELI LILLY

    “I DRANK A PINT OF THIMEROSAL, EVERY DAY, FOR 50 YEARS.

     DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO ME!”

    8:05:02 a.m. – We STILL can’t get that song out of our heads. 

    8:06:12 a.m. – Usually, Car Dealers treat the I-Man as if he were a 20 dollar whore.  Not Mercedes Benz of Manhattan.  Joe, Deirdre’s driver, noticed that there was a slow leak in one of the tires.  He took it to a local tire place, where they informed him that he needed a new 600 dollar rim.  He went to Mercedes Benz, where, incredibly, they found it was merely a faulty valve.  They fixed it.  NO CHARGE.   It’s good to be the I-Man. 

    THE I-MAN’S MERCEDES S550.  WINDSHIELD WIPER BLADES ARE 11 THOUSAND DOLLARS

    8:11:15 a.m. – “A feather’s not a bird…a feather’s not a bird….” Damn you, Rosanne Cash!

    THAT GIRL JUST MIGHT HAVE A CAREER IN THE MUSIC BUSINESS

    8:12:13 a.m. – Dagen reports that Marvin Gaye’s family has settled a portion of their lawsuit over the similarities between Robin Thicke’s hit song “Blurred Lines” and Gaye’s “Got to Give It Up”.   I-Man notes the irony in the fact that Gaye’s family is benefitting from his music, when it was his old man who shot him in the first place.

    “HEY MARVIN…I GOT A .45 I WANT YOU TO HEAR.”

    8:43:06 a.m. – Rosanne and the Band do another two tunes off the new, instant classic, album.  There’s something to be said to be attending a private concert of a major National Headliner act, sitting in the second row among a crowd of…11.  It’s like a private audience.  We feel special.  Then Imus tells us how much we suck, and we are back on earth again.  Thanks for pulling our coats, I-Man, and keeping us ‘Well Grounded.’  Some day, we hope to keep YOU well grounded.  Well UNDER it.

    THE RIVER AND THE THREAD.  BUY THAT RECORD.  NOW.   YOU KNOW WHY?

    BECAUSE A ‘FEATHER’S NOT A BIRD’, THAT’S WHY!

    9:20:10 a.m. – Bernie reports on the Israeli Defense Minister’s dislike of, and disdain for, our Secretary of State John Kerry.  “Beanie wearing little shmuck.”  Great work, I-Man.  Didn’t make enough apologies this week?

    “HEY.  KERRY.  YOU SHOULD GET THE HELL OUT.”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    We aren’t quite sure you understand just what an ear worm this Rosanne Cash song is. 

    Therefore, we feel the need to illustrate:

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdUcI9SdAPA 

    Tuesday
    Jan142014

    Dysfunctional House on the Prairie

    6:05:10 a.m. –    Bismarck is out sick today.  Which means the I-Man might not have makeup on today.  DAMN YOU, BISMARCK!  Fortunately, Dawn , from downstairs, comes up to powder the Boss’s mug.  It could’ve gotten ugly there …

    BEFORE                                  AFTER

    6:06:12 a.m. –  Josh Patch, formerly of the ‘Claddie Lads’ the musical group that SHOULD have won the Imus in the Morning Battle of the Bands, will be the musical guest on Friday.  Recently, at a gig in Brooklyn, Dave Grohl of Nirvana and The Foo Fighters came up to Josh and said… ‘I love to jam’.  Josh’s reply?  ‘That’s great!’    What a maroon.  It’s like the time Rob turned McCartney down when he wanted to do a quick acoustic set during a gig at Uncle Vinnie’s Comedy Club. 

    “HEY, DAVE!  I’M A BIG FAN OF ‘ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS’

    6:42:46 a.m. –  Bo Dietl weighing in on Obama and Governor Christie, coins a new phrase:  “Dickatatious”   It could be a “Doucheatation Situation”

    A ‘DICKITATIOUS’ PERSONIZATION OF WHAT IS MOST DEFINITELY

    A ‘DOUCHEATATION  SITUATION’

    6:57:14 a.m. – Nothing better than watching the breathing challenged I-Man try to blow up his Starbucks bag  so that he can pop it during Connell’s Newscast.  He gets about as much air into the bag as he can, which results in a ‘pop’ that sounds like one Rice Krispie.  He’s the only one startled by the noise…which, considering he’s deaf, is quite a feat.

    IT’S OBVIOUSLY THIS WOMAN’S BIRTHDAY.  TOO BAD SHE WON’T BE BLOWING OUT THE CANDLES ON THE CAKE.

    7:05:15 a.m. – Connell and the I-Man are dressed identically this morning.  It’s kinda cute, actually, with Connell dressed up like his Radio Daddy.  Like a ‘Before and After’ photo, where the ‘After’ goes horribly wrong.

    THE OLSEN TWINS FROM HELL

    7:17:15 a.m. –  Warner observes that Colin Kapernick and Russell Wilson’s stats are like ‘Looking at a mirror.’  Imus corrects him, saying it’s ‘Looking IN a mirror’.  Leave it to the I-Man to get to the heart of the matter. Bigfoot puts up a graphic of the stats…they are pretty close, but nowhere NEAR identical.  But if you care about these kinds of things…we think you might want to consider doing some community service work, because…you seriously need to put a down payment on a life.

    “IT’S LIKE LOOKING ON A MIRROR!”

    7:25:50 a.m. – Because attention to detail is of the utmost importance to the I-Man, he has us ‘Google’ the name of Woody Allen’s organist.  “It’s…Dick something.”   We don’t suggest that you put the words ‘Woody’ ‘Organ’ and ‘Dick’ in any search engine…especially if you happen to be at work.  However, after wading through all the results that come from Gay Porn sites, we finally find the man’s name.  It’s Dick Hyman.   We are dead serious.  Dick Hyman.  Boy, are we glad we didn’t know that first.  And boy, are we even gladder his first name wasn’t ‘Buster’.

    DICK HYMAN.  THAT WAS HIS STAGE NAME.  HIS REAL NAME WAS ‘UTERUS’

    7:35:02 a.m. –  “Hollywood & Vine”.  Imogen, Riedel and Rob.  Riedel makes points with absolutely NO knowledge of what he’s talking about, Imogen attempts to make sense, and Rob…is better.   It’s a spirited, amusing segment, a takedown of Hollywood, that begins with Rob telling the Frank Rich wannabe Riedel, “You NEVER get anything right.”, and ends with Riedel quoting Jacqueline Bisset “Go to Hell and don’t come back.”, to which Rob responds “Bite me, Riedel.”  Just all part of ‘Typical Tuesday’ on The Imus in the Morning Program.

    RIEDEL TREATS ROB TO SOME OF HIS ‘DRUNK MONKEY WRITER’S STYLE’ WHILE ROB COUNTERS WITH HIS ‘STAND UP DRAGON’

    7:56:11 a.m. –  Imus has a ‘Lightbulb’ moment.  He realizes that coffee in a metal thermos, remains hot.  That’s right up there with the time when he discovered that slamming his penis in a window sill…hurts.

    A YOUNG I-MAN MAKES A CRITICAL DISCOVERY

    8:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man talks about what a struggle it is to get up in the morning and come to work.  He’s worn out by just the thought of having to get dressed.  He has to decide which pair of cowboy boots to choose out of the 25 he owns, as well as which of his 30 Joseph Abboud Jackets to wear.  Hmmm.  White People’s Problems.

    AN EVEN YOUNGER I-MAN HAS BRANT’S FATHER TAKE HIM TO SCHOOL

    8:17:34 a.m. –  The only thing the I-Man loves more than reading the ‘My Pillow’ spots for the 9000th time, is reading the Chamonix spots for the 50,000th time.  It’s the Genucel eye ointment that reduces the bags under your peepers.  He reads one of the testimonial letters written by ‘Ross’…but just as he gets to the end he realizes that…it’s ‘Rosa’.  Unfortunately Genucel doesn’t do anything for your eyes that will replace the need for the use of your glasses.  Good thing he didn’t realize it was ‘Rosa’.  Otherwise he would’ve replaced his foppish read of the ‘Ross’ character with his trademark Mexican accent. 

    ROSS/ROSA : SHE MAY HAVE WHISKERS AND AN ADAM’S APPLE ALONG WITH A LOVELY SET OF BREASTS, BUT YOU’LL NOTICE HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY BAGS UNDER HER EYES

    8:38:37 a.m. – Richard Kinky ‘Big Dick’ Friedman is on to discuss his campaign for Texas Agricultural Commisioner.  And he actually has a good shot at it happening.  He was unsuccessful in both his runs for Justice of the Peace in Kerrville, and Governor of the Lone Star State.  But he’s got ‘The Weed Vote’ for sure.  Which is a demographic that might have a problem remembering that election day is on a Tuesday.

    A VOTE FOR THE KINKSTER…IS A VOTE FOR AMERICA!

    9:07:10 a.m. – Dagen, having been the one who drew attention to the fact that Connell and Imus were dressed alike this morning, maintains that all Connell need do to complete his full conversion over to the Dark Side of the Force, is get himself a ‘Michael Landon Haircut’.  Or a ‘Mandon’, as it is known in the Stylist world.  It’s not quite as egregious as the Paul McCartney and Wings hairdo, the ‘McMullet’, but it’s a pretty accurate representation of the mane the I-Man is sporting.  Then all we need would be Melissa Francis, and we could start taping ‘The Further Adventures of Little House on the Prairie-2014’.   We’re sure Melissa would probably be on board…unless, of course, she would have to give her wackjob mother a 20% commission.

    DYSFUNCTIONAL HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeVO4Zj8JMo&list=PLB26C9509A6EE4EB3 

    We take a trip down memory lane with the Ingalls’ family.  Dagen, Connell, Imus, The Baby, (nobody remembers her name) and Melissa.  Who, by the way, is having an anxiety attack as we speak, just THINKING about those days.

    (By the way, who’s that crazy lady in the lobby claiming to be her Mom?)

    (We hope Melissa’s office door is open so we can apologize to her for this part of the blog)

    Monday
    Jan132014

    The Golden Globes, NFL Playoffs, and A-Rod's Suspension

    6:05:10 a.m. –   We start the day with a ‘Fun Fact’:  The People on the E! Network are MORONS.  During their Red Carpet Golden Globes Pre-Show, they showed a graphic over the arrival of Michael J. Fox and his wife Tracy Pollan:  “Fun Fact:  Michael J Fox was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 1992.”  In a related story, the ‘Fun Fact’ graphic they ran over Woody Allen’s Red Carpet appearance:  “Woody Allen took nude photographs of his adopted daughter, had sex with her, and is now married to her.  He plays clarinet at the Café Carlyle every Monday Night.”

    “FUN FACT:  DON IMUS ONCE PEED IN A PHONE BOOTH IN 1982…LIKE MICHAEL J FOX, HE ALSO HAD THE SHAKES, ALTHOUGH HIS WAS FROM ALCOHOLISM”

    6:06:12 a.m. – Turns out that famed 60’s Movie Siren Jacqueline Bisset won an award at the Golden Globes last night…and her speech made about as much sense as Flava Flav after a massive head wound.

    “YAYUH…BOYEEEEE.  I WANNA GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO ALL MY HOMIES UPSTATE…”

    6:17:34 a.m. – Imus has an interesting take on Tony Bosch’s admission that A-Rod was afraid of needles so he injected him himself:  “I wonder if he had both hands on his shoulders when he injected him.”

    WE’D HATE TO THINK THOSE GLOVES WERE GOING TO COME IN HANDY NEXT.  WE BELIEVE A-ROD’S PROSTATE WAS JUST FINE…NICE AND SMOOTH

    6:25:05 a.m. – The I-Man has had Carley bring him a bagel and a tin of cream cheese.   One would think that spreading the soft creamy substance on a toasted circle of bread would be a relatively simple experience, as long as one were not Captain Hook or Edward Scissorhands.   One would think.  It takes the Boss nearly 10 minutes to take the Saran Wrap off the plastic knife. (At which, by the way, Edward Scissorhands would probably be relatively adept)    Hopefully, Wyatt will also pin some money to the piece of paper with the I-Man’s name on it before he leaves him at the Dog Track.  You know, just so he can bet the Quinella.

    COME TO THINK OF IT, HE COULD SPREAD THE CREAM CHEESE TOO

    6:40:46 a.m. –  Hannah Storm is the guest.  God, we be lovin’ Hannah Storm…let it rain, baby!  Let it rain!  Besides the fact that her name would more befit a Weather Correspondent, (Even better than Amy Freeze) she’s the perfect woman.  Hot, smart, an amazing voice, AND she’ll watch the games with you. 

    THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER, RIGHT?  LIKE SHE HAS A HAIRY BACK?  OR REALLY BAD BREATH?  SOMETHING.

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Who is the coach at Arizona?   Well according to Warner it’s Cy Miller.  Actually it’s Shaun Miller.    Cy Miller the man who owns ‘Flagstaff Furs’  in Great Neck, who Warner has used when he bought a Mink Coat for his wife Sue for their Anniversary. 

    SUCH A DEAL CY WILL GET YOU

    7:17:15 a.m. –  The I-Man inquires as to who the new Program Director is at WABC, Warner suggests it’s Earl Schieb.  Bernie says it’s Chuck Schaub.  It’s actually Craig Schaub.  At least it’s not CY Schaub.  We think Warner just wanted to get his car painted for 89.99.

    UNFORTUNATELY, WARNER LEFT HIS WIFE SUE IN THE BACKSEAT.  THE GIRL IS GREEN NOW.

    7:38:16a.m. –  Fox News Host Bill Hemmer is the guest.  He shares that if the I-Man likes Ford Trucks, he should check out his expose’ this weekend on them.  He claims that new bodies are made of aluminum…and that they don’t necessarily feel the same as the real vehicles…Imus takes Bill for task for not volunteering to be a Crash Test Dummy.   Hemmer thinks Imus is referring to the group Crash Test Dummies.  Who he then mistakes for the Red Hot Chili Peppers who will be performing with Bruno Mars at the Super Bowl® …um…we’re sorry… ‘The Big Game’.   He  can’t wait for them to play “Mmm Mmm Mmm”.  To be honest, the Boss is a little hard on Bill…so much so that it inspires Neil Cavuto to email him saying the very same thing.  It’s a little inspirational ‘Pep Talk’…similar to the ones that Imus  gives Tony and Rob.  Neil says that ‘Hemmer looked like he was making a hostage tape…apologize…and then resign. ‘  He also calls the I-Man some very unflattering names.  (Although Spot On)  To paraphrase Rodney King, ‘Can’t we all get along?’.   Um… no.

    THE SIGN THAT IMUS TAPED TO HEMMER’S BACK AS HE WAS LEAVING THE STUDIO.  WE THINK ‘KICK ME’ WOULD’VE SUFFICED

    8:05:02 a.m. –  Imus makes his feelings known about the Indianapolis Colts’ owner Jim Irsay.  “Doesn’t he seem like the kind of guy who…when he moves into your neighborhood…the police make him notify you that he now resides there.”

    THE PICTURE ON IMUS’ REGISTRY IS MUCH BETTER

    8:30:06 a.m. – Bernie does a story about a man who was pulled over for driving erratically, and it turned out he matched the description of a burglar who had just robbed a house, and the stolen items were found…in his anus.  They found bracelets, watches, rings and other assorted jewelry…a bag of marijuana and a drug pipe.   Good thing the dude didn’t steal a car.

    OBVIOUSLY…IT WAS A COMPACT CAR.  RECTUM?  DAMN NEAR KILLED HIM.

    8:38:37 a.m. – Tom Friedman is on to discuss Ariel Sharon’s passing.  Which is curious…as, as far as we know…Prime Minister Sharon is still dead.  He is also on to discuss the Peace Process in the Middle East.  Again.  Like he did the last time he was here…and the time before that, and the time before that.   And the time before THAT.  It makes about as much sense as a discussion about when Deirdre is going to start eating steak again.

    RIGHT AFTER THIS MOMENT…THE DOVE TOOK A DUMP ON THE KID’S HEAD AND THEN SOMEBODY SHOT IT OUT OF THE SKY

    9:05:10 a.m. –  Bill Hemmer Tweets:  “Getting a Hazing by the I-Man is the best way to start the week.”   We don’t know if he also used the hashtag:  #I’mtotallykissingass  or the hashtag: #Thatwrinkledupoldbastardcankissmyass. 

    THAT WAS HURTFUL, BILL
     
    VIDEO OF THE DAY
    NO MATTER HOW CRAZY SHE SOUNDED AT LAST NIGHT’S GOLDEN GLOBES, THIS IS THE WAY WE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER
    JACQUELINE BISSET
     
    MS. BISSET, ON SET, WITH A BLOWFISH
    WE HAVE TO ADMIT IT BUT…SHE HAD THE SAME EFFECT ON US.  WE ALSO FOUND OURSELVES ALL PUFFY AND SWOLLEN.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o70z5wzExMU

    Friday
    Jan102014

    Too Busy Having Lunch!

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man is VERY upset with Governor Christie, and thinks he acted like ‘Half a Finnochio’ with the humiliating two hour apology he gave yesterday.  He suggests that Chunky ‘Put some Big Boy Pants On’.  Well, he’s already wearing the trousers he got from the Big and Tall shop.  ANY pants he wears are Big Boy Pants.  In fact, that may be the actual BRAND NAME.

    APPARENTLY IT WAS CHRISTIE’S ‘BIG BOY PANTS’ THAT CAUSED THE TRAFFIC JAM IN THE FIRST PLACE

    6:17:34 a.m. – The Boss reflects on Mary Matalin’s appearance on yesterday’s program.  He asked her if she ‘Was Medicated’…turns out…she was.  She had surgery three weeks ago.  Well, whatever she had done…we want what that doctor gave her.  That stuff makes Vicodin look like Children’s Aspirin.

    BARBITUATES.  NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANY MORE

    6:46:46 a.m. –  We are late for Juan Williams, because the I-Man has wasted a lot of time complaining.  About nothing.  But that’s what made him the media icon he is today.  What has Juan Williams done?  Other than get fired from NPR?   Please.

    JUAN WILLIAMS.  HE DOESN’T LOOK HAPPY TO BE GETTING ON LATE.  DEAL.  THAT’S THE ABC’S OF THE I-MAN

    6:56:12 a.m. –  Apparently, Deirdre and Wyatt have confronted the I-Man, and done an intervention.  They told him that he is selfish and only cares about himself.  That he does not respect that they each have their own lives and things to do.  He’s always screaming for Wyatt or Deidre to do something for him…get stuff, make coffee…etc.  Well…why do they think he got married and had a kid?  So that they could get him stuff.  How hard is this?

    WYATT.  SUITED UP FOR ANOTHER DAY IN THE PENTHOUSE

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The I-Man is perving on the Fox and Fiends First Folks.  And, quite frankly, it’s a little creepy…

    ALTHOUGH WE, TOO, LIKE TO FANTASIZE AND PRETEND THAT THEY ARE REALLY SAYING, ‘COME TO US AND WE THREE WILL ESCAPE TO OUR SPECIAL ISLAND, AND SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES GRANTING YOUR EVERY WISH.’  THE THOUGHT THAT THE I-MAN’S DESSICATED LITTLE ANGRY INCH IS MOVED…MAKES US NAUSEOUS

    7:17:15 a.m. –  Dagen reports on ‘Death Pays’.  After the passing of Phil Everly, sales of Everly Brothers Records went up 700%.  We are sure happy we have some mint copies of 1200 Hamburgers to Go”,  “This Honky’s Nuts” and “One Sacred Chicken To Go”.

    JUST THREE MORE STRICHNINE / TOFU LOAFS FROM DEIRDRE, AND WE CAN RETIRE ON THESE THREE RECORDS.

    7:38:16 a.m. –  VINNIE FROM QUEENS!  Rapidly becoming one of our most favorite branded segments on the program because…well, because um…Lis Wiehl isn’t on it.  Yeah, that’s it.  Gunz, Warner, Lou and Tony pick the hottest sideline reporter.  Headline here is…Warner actually has a favorite!  Tracy Wolfson.  Warner, you dirty old man!  Turn your set on NOW!  Come awn dog!  Warner Wolf and Tracy Wolfson?  There’s gonna be some howlin’!  AOOOOOO!

    AIN’T NOTHIN’ BUT A PACK THING, BABY.  (WOLF PACK, THAT IS)

    8:05:12 a.m. –  Imus tells Carley that she needs to remind him to bring in the 80 Dollar Coffee Mug he bought at Starbucks over Christmas, that would allow him to get a free cup of coffee every day for the month of January.  At the moment, it’s January 10th.  We tried to stop Carley before she opened her mouth, because we were all hoping he wouldn’t remember to bring it in until January 30th, because then he would basically be getting two 40 Dollar cups of coffee.

    80 DOLLARS?  THEY BETTER BREW THAT STUFF WITH DOM PERIGNON!

    8:12:24 a.m.  –  Imus reveals that Michael Lindell, of ‘My Pillow’ fame, is trying to get a date on the Internet.  Perhaps he has revealed a little too much.  Somehow, the Multi-Millionaire Comfort Sleep Magnate being on Match.com is a little too uncomfortable an image for us to conjure.  Unless, of course, he’s on Christian Mingle.  Either way, you have a date with him, and it’s pretty much a guarantee it’s going to involve a ‘Sleepover’.

    NOW, BE HONEST.  YOU SEE THIS PICTURE ON A DATING SITE PROFILE…ARE YOU GOING TO CLICK FOR ‘MORE INFO’?  THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE HE IS REQUIRED TO GIVE NOTICE TO HIS NEW NEIGHBORS EVERY TIME HE MOVES.

    8:38:37 a.m. – Lori Rothman is the guest, and we adore her.  She’s smart, funny…and cute…in that petite, elfin like way:

    LORI ROTHMAN.  FROM ‘SMURF CRUSH SUNDAY’

    8:57:14 a.m. –  It’s Pat Benatar’s 61st Birthday Today.  The I-Man observes that sometimes, out in New Mexico or Texas, he will see BillBoards for some of the Native American Casinos advertising her appearance there.  Yeah, that’s what you want to see.  A Senior Citizen in skintight leather pants singing ‘Hit Me With Your Bet Shot’.

    HER ‘BEST SHOT’…WOULD BE BOTOX

    9:05:30 a.m. –  Imus goes on about his dissatisfaction with the way Carley holds his water bottle.  She grabbed it from the top, which he claims is ‘unsanitary’.  There’s a cap on the bottle, numbnuts.  Unless you plan on doing a Lewinsky on it like you do your bananas.  Or your yogurt lids.  Excuse us, we’re going to be sick…

    EW.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    We Believe Governor Christie Had NOTHING to do with the Traffic Jam.  Because he was too busy having lunch.


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcJjMnHoIBI

    Thursday
    Jan092014

    Duck Duping

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man is still worked up over the ‘Duck Duping’ by hunters, as, in addition to the simulated duck calls, ‘Decoys’ are used.    Dagen uses the analogy, “Can you fish without bait?”   Well…yes…if you’re a Grizzly Bear.

    “GOOD THING I HAD THAT SALMON CALL”

    6:16:12 a.m. – Warner reports on the Baseball Hall of Fame inductees, Greg Maddox, Frank Thomas and Tom Glavine.  Imus asks who votes on the candidates, and Warner says it’s ‘Baseball Writers’.  The I-Man’s position is that they are all child molesting drunks.   We hope not.  Last we heard, Lupica had a vote.

    LUPICA:  NOT A CHILD MOLESTER

    6:23:34 a.m. – Dagen reports that Warren Haines and Derek Trucks have left the Allman Brothers.  Going to the break, Lou plays ‘Statesboro Blues’.  Imus needs to know who is singing and who is playing guitar.   Gregg Allman is singing, and Duane Allman is playing the blistering Slide Guitar.  “Didn’t Duane play on ‘Respect’?”  The I-Man demands to know.  Rob begins Googling, and discovers that he, in fact, did not.  However, Duane’s rendition of Statesboro Blues was recorded a mere few months before he died in a motorcycle accident.  Imus’ hearing issues then causes a 10 minute elliptical discussion about how various Guitar guys died.  “Stevie Ray Vaughn died in a Motorcycle Accident?”  “No, I-Man, he died in a Helicopter Crash.”   “Greg Allman died in a Helicopter?”  “No, Stevie Ray Vaughn died in a helicopter.”  “Greg Allman died in a Motorcycle Accident?”  “No.  He’s still alive.  Unfortunately.  His brother DUANE Allman died in a Motorcycle accident…we think he was trying to play the ‘slide’ handlebars.”  “So Vaughn DIDN’T die in a helicopter accident?”  “For the last time, you moron…Stevie Ray Vaughn died in a helicopter accident, Mo Vaughn is still alive, and Robert Vaughn died in ‘The Towering Inferno’…and his career followed shortly thereafter.  Duane Allman committed suicide…he drove his motorcycle into a bridge abutment, because he knew this conversation would eventually happen.”

    DUANE’S BIKE.  THAT’S MOTOR OIL.  WE HOPE.

    6:40:46 a.m. – Stuart Varney is on, and begins by making fun of the I-Man’s breathing.  We’re not all that familiar with ‘British Comedy’, but we don’t think Monty Python would find humor in the compromised respiratory system of a 73 year old man with half a lung, emphysema and COPD.  However, we must admit, it IS kinda hilarious to watch him try to climb stairs.

    BENNY HILL.  IMMEDIATELY AFTER HUMILIATING A PERSON WITH CYSTIC FIBROSIS, HE RAN AROUND OUTSIDE IN FAST MOTION CHASED BY GIRLS IN BIKINIS AND A LITTLE BALD MAN

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The I-Man gets another Bistro Box for breakfast, and has the same difficulty opening the peanut butter pouch.  He says he’s going to bring his own jar of Organic Chunky tomorrow…unfortunately, he’s going to need Carley to open that for him too.  You do not want to be placed in an Apocalyptic ‘Survival’ Scenario with the Boss.  Bear Grylls he’s not.  And it isn’t like after he dies, you’ll be able to eat him later.  There’s not enough meat on those bones to sate Rob’s hunger for even twenty minutes.  He WOULD be useful in a Zombie Apocalypse however.  Although, you could use one of his fingers to pick the locks on the supermarket door.

    “DAMMIT, NAT!  TAKE THE PICTURE ALREADY AND THEN GET THIS S#*& OFFA ME!”

    7:07:14 a.m. –  The I-Man has been talking about the New Jersey Mayor Bridge Scandal, and makes the bold assertion that Jersey Mayors are all ‘thugs’.  Really?  Next thing you’re going to tell us is that all the players on the LPGA are lesbians.

    “WE GOT ACROSS THE BRIDGE…NO PROBLEM.  NOBODY’S GOING TO KEEP MY MONSTER TRUCK OFF THE GWB.”

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Mensa Meeting.  First topic is about the Satan Statue being proposed for the Oklahoma State Capitol Building.   Alan Colmes, of course, thinks that there’s nothing wrong with it.  Deirdre, however, is dead set against it, as all Satanists are anti-Christian.  Which is a surprising position for her to take, given the man she married.  

    “GET THESE EFFING KIDS AWAY FROM ME, DAMMIT!”

    8:01:02 a.m. –  I-Man wants to see a picture of Governor Christie’s Deputy Chief of Staff, Bridget Anne Kelly, the woman responsible for initiating the George Washington Bridge Traffic Snarl.  She is, you might say, a ‘Snappy Looking Dish’.  “Ohhh baby, let me direct some traffic into your tunnel…” the I-Man says. 

    BRIDGET ANNE KELLY (L)  

    THE ONLY REASON A GUY LIKE HIM COULD GET A WOMAN LIKE THAT TO TALK TO HIM…IS BECAUSE HE’S THE GOVERNOR

    8:12:12 a.m. –   The I-Man is still upset over the Duck Duping Deal, and now moves on to Deer Hunters…miscreants who douse themselves with Buck Urine to attract the beautiful, helpless little animals.  “There’s something wrong with you if you’re willing to douse yourself with any kind of urine to do anything!”  The Boss wails.  We agree with him.  Unless of course, you count when he wakes up in the morning doused in his own.

    DOUSE YOURSELF WITH THIS IS YOU WANT TO ATTRACT…DEIRDRE

    (OR PUT IT IN YOUR COFFEE AND DRINK JUST LIKE THE I-MAN DOES!)

    8:26:12 a.m.  –  We spend about 20 minutes looking up some idiotic song, that the I-Man says, is called ‘Hurt’, which was recorded by Johnny Cash, but was originally done by Timi Yuro.  Google reports ‘Hurt’ was written by Trent Reznor, and the original was done by Nine Inch Nails, and was covered by The Man in Black and Christina Aguilera, among others.  He calls us morons.  He then says the song is called ‘Big Hurt’.  Which Google says was recorded by Toni Fisher.  We then discover there was ANOTHER song titled ‘Hurt’, which WAS recorded by Timi Yuro, and he makes Lou download it off iTunes and play it.  Turns out it’s the most appropriate title ever written for a song.  Our ears are still bleeding.

    TIMI YURO.  WE HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA WHY SHE GOT A RECORDING CONTRACT, AND WHY NOBODY EVEN BOTHERED TO LISTEN TO THE SINGLE.

    8:40:38 a.m. –  James Carville and Mary Matalin are on to promote their book, ‘Love and War’.   James is wearing a USMC Marine Corp hat and Mary is wearing a Joan Rivers mask. Mardi Gras must’ve started early this year.

    IT’S NOT JUST INTER-PARTY LOVE…IT’S INTER ‘SPECIES’

    8:43:38 a.m. –  Mary is upset with the I-Man, because he says that he will not allow Wyatt to attend ‘Jazzfest’ in New Orleans.  “I’m not gonna have him go down there to see Winston Marsalis.”   He would, however, allow Wyatt to go to a Pall Mall Marsalis concert.  Dressed up as the Marlboro Man, of course.

    THE OTHER MARSALIS BROTHER…JOE.

    9:00:18 a.m. – Oh God.  The old fool is back on the Duck Duping bandwagon again.  Sweet Baby Jesus, PLEASE come up with a decoy that looks like Deirdre that we can put on the other side of an open manhole.  A manhole that’s filled with Sharks.  Either that, or ask the Robertson Family can come up with a call that sounds like Wolfman Jack.

    “EVERYBODY SAY…BABY!  EVERYBODY SAY…BABY!  HAVE MERCY!  HAVE MERCY!”

    9:15:30 a.m. –  Where Brooklyn at?  Warner reports that ‘Spike Jones’ was at the Nets game last night.  We think he means ‘Spike Lee’, only because we didn’t hear any slide whistles, gunshots, kazoos, trombones or cowbells during the game.

    SPIKE JONES IN HIS FLOOR SEATS AT THE BARCLAY CENTER

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE PROPER USE OF MATING CALLS AND RIFLES WHEN HUNTING

    WITH EDDIE MURPHY

    FROM ‘DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN’

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24VA0tTTsvM