6:05:10 a.m. – Gunz is back. Just in the nick of time, as Warner tried to give his job away yesterday…going on and on about how impressive over his replacement was…his work ethic…his knowledge of sports… how he’s so great with the ladies…and his dynamic sense of style. All Warner needed was a shovel…not for the heaps of B.S. he was piling up about the ‘New Kid’, but to dig the hole for Gunz…
WARNER GETTING RID OF THE EVIDENCE
“IF YOU GET THE GRAVE DUG…BUT FORGOT THE LIME…YOU LOST!”
6:07:14 a.m. – Yesterday, one of the employees at the Ranch, Lucia, made an INSANE mistake, especially for someone who’s worked for the I-Man for more than twenty minutes…she asked him “How’s your birthday going?” She’s currently ‘resting comfortably’ at Lovelace Medical Center, in Albuquerque, where she is being treated for multiple laceration wounds.
“…Y entonces, él se volvió loco y comenzó la flagelación con su manguera oxígeno...” (“…and then, he went crazy and started whipping me with his oxygen hose…”)
6:08:06 a.m. – The I-Man promos that Joan Rivers will be here tomorrow, and we are all excited…EVERYBODY LOVES JOAN RIVERS…well, that is, everybody except for Warner, who’s a little ‘Lukewarm’…to say the least. He says he likes “…some of her stuff…” SOME of her stuff? Which stuff? The tasteless and mean Liz Taylor jokes? The tasteless and mean Anne Frank Jokes? Or the tasteless and mean Michelle Obama jokes? Which tasteless and mean jokes does he actually like? The ones about Arthur Godfrey and Wendell Wilkie?
JOAN 1978 (L) JOAN 2014 (R)
6:23:36 a.m. – Connell reads an international news story that the Norwegian Intelligence Service has credible evidence to suggest that Syrian Islamic Militants are planning an attack on Norway. The I-Man is not interested, at which point McShane questions the Boss’ sympathy for the Nordic population. Imus defends himself, claiming that he ‘Loves him some Norwegian people…especially those dudes from ABBA.’ Dagen corrects the I-Man, informing him that ABBA is a Swedish Pop Group. But the real headline here is that Norway actually has an Intelligence Service.
“BJORKLUND… ÁSBJÖRN BJORKLUND”
BEWARE HIS ‘EXPLODING HERRING’
6:40:08 a.m. – Stuart Varney is on, and name drops… Weird Al Yankovic. Yes, you read that right. Mother F$%^ing, Weird F$%^ing Al, Mother F$%^ing Yankovic. Stuart ranks Yankovic among the top 5 of all his guests. Which gives you an idea of the level of guest Stuart normally features on his program. And wonder who the other four are…
THE OTHER FOUR IN STUART’S ‘TOP FIVE GUESTS’
YAKOFF SMIRNOFF, JAMIE FARR, JOE PISCOPO AND NORMAN FELL
(You could find better guests on Craig’s List)
6:50:21 a.m. – Dwight Yoakum texts the I-Man to tell him he’s going to Norway to do a concert. The Boss wonders why he can’t go to the Mohegan Sun or some other Native American Casino. Dagen notes that the Scandinavian Audiences are somewhat more esthetically pleasing to the eye than the fat, toothless goobers you’ll find at the slots.
TYPICAL NORWEGIAN AUDIENCE MEMBER TYPICAL CASINO AUDIENCE MEMBER
7:05:28 a.m. – Ashley Webster is filling in for Lori Rothman, who is M.I.A. We hope she’s okay…we fear the worst…but then we see that the National Association of Little People is having a convention.
NALPA CONVENTION KEYNOTE SPEAKER: MS. LORI ROTHMAN
7:15:28 a.m. – Warner reports that one of Queen Elizabeth’s racehorses, ‘Estimate’, has tested positive for Morphine. How do you know when your horse is a junkie? You catch him going down the back Fire Escape with your TV set.
‘ESTIMATE’ ON THE WAY TO THE ROYAL DOPE DEALER
7:41:24 a.m. – MENSA MEETING – It appears that one of the topics is about Gunz’s interview with Slash from his namesake band, ‘Gunz n’ Roses’. Apparently, Gunz talked to Slash about playing the guitar, which he does himself, quite well, to hear him talk about it. He’s been taking Jazz Guitar lessons since he’s six. So that’s who you’re listening to when you tune into the Weather Channel. We can’t imagine what Slash might have been thinking talking to this dorky twerp who makes it seem like they actually have something in common. What Gunz doesn’t seem to understand is that when Slash plays the Guitar, he gets laid. When Gunz plays the Guitar he gets Carpal Tunnel. Not from playing the guitar, but from the fact that he doesn’t get laid.
GUNZ WITH HIS NEW BFF…YOU KNOW, HE ALSO PLAYS GUITAR
7:44:08 a.m. – The I-Man has to chastise Alan Colmes for ‘Banging the Microphone.’ BANGING THE…MICROPHONE? Did he get it drunk first? Imus accuses Alan of having an affair, which has inspired his makeover from shabbily attired, pale, ghoulish, walking dead, vampire liberal, to well dressed, makeup wearing, ghoulish, walking dead, vampire liberal.
WE DOUBT HE’S HAVING AN AFFAIR…UNLESS IT’S WITH ELVIRA, MISTRESS OF THE NIGHT
8:06:32 a.m. – As we all anxiously await the appearance of the Hysterically Funny Joan Rivers on tomorrow’s program, Deirdre says that Joan doesn’t get the credit that she deserves. This is simply not true. We always give her attribution when we do her Liz Taylor Material.
“ELIZABETH TAYLOR IS SO FAT, SHE PUTS MAYONNAISE ON ASPIRIN” - JOAN RIVERS
8:08:16 a.m. – Dagen talks about the NASCAR race at the Eldora dirt track, where they race a half a mile in trucks. She convinced the I-Man to watch. An African American, Bubba Wallace, won the race…and that would be the ‘New Face of NASCAR’. Tony doesn’t agree…he thinks.. “A Black Man, driving a shiny new truck at 200 M.P.H. …. it’s going to be awfully hard to win after being pulled over 30 times during a race…
BUBBA STOPPED FOR ‘D.W.B.’:
“OFFICER, DO YOU MIND IF I PUT MY HANDS DOWN TO GET MY LICENSE?”
8:25:14 a.m. – Imus says that his hair, now, officially looks worse than Tom Petty’s.
NOTHING LOOKS WORSE THAN TOM PETTY’S HAIR…
…OKAY, WELL MAYBE NOT ‘NOTHING’…
8:41:14 a.m. – I-Fave Hannah Storm is on, and the conversation turns towards MMA Fighter Ronda Rousey, who Hannah is very impressed with. We assume that she goes on to extoll the virtues of the new Mixed Martial Arts Fighting Sensation, but we can’t hear a word she’s saying, as we can’t stop imagining the two of them Jello Wrestling.
PUT THESE TWO IN THE ‘OCTAGON’, AND YOU’D BREAK PAY PER VIEW RECORDS FOR THE NEXT 100 YEARS
VIDEO OF THE DAY
In Tribute to Bubba Wallace, We Offer the Trailer to the Movie that The Warner Brothers made about NASCAR Hall of Fame Driver, Wendell Scott
Starring Richard Pryor