Wednesday
Jul312013

That's Not How New Yorkers Roll

6:05:00 a.m. –   Sydney Leathers, the ‘Weiner Skank’ who is currently sucking every second out of her Warholian 15 Minutes of Fame, has, shockingly, signed with a porn producer to make a sex tape.  The I-Man announces that ‘The door has opened for Gunz.’   We hate to tell him, but we don’t think Gunz has even got a shot with THIS Skeeze.

SORRY GUNZ…EVEN THIS IS OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE

6:07:57 a.m. –  The Boss said that yesterday, this Go Round of kids had their Rodeo, up at the ‘Joseph Abboud Arena’.   Joseph Abboud?  They actually named a Rodeo Arena after….JOSEPH ABBOUD?   Well, now that we get to thinking about it, we suppose it makes sense…he is a kind of…Wrangler…

“YIPPEE KAI YI…HEY!” 

6:10:17 a.m. – Connell is going out to the Ranch for the week on Sunday and… “…he’s not even here yet, and he’s ALREADY a HUGE pain in the ass.”  We can see the writing on the wall.  After all is said and done…Connell will wish he had spent the week at Guantanamo than with the I-Man.  At least at Guantanamo you can get Meatloaf.

MCSHANE MEETS ONE OF THE DOGS FROM THE RANCH

6:15:42 a.m. – Dagen reports that Ben & Jerry’s, the Hippie Ice Cream magnates, have emerged victorious in a lawsuit against the Porn Producer, Caballero, who shot a line of Ben & Jerry’s flavor themed dirty movies, which, unfortunately, will no longer remain available.  We’re actually sorry we’re going to miss “Lost Cherry Garcia”… “Pink Banana Split”… “Hubby’s Chubby”  and  “Chunky Monkey.”   We’re not sure there was a movie associated with ‘Chunky Monkey’…but we can only imagine what that involved…

 

BEN AND JERRY’S LOGO: BEFORE AND AFTER

6:21:13 a.m. –   Warner:   “Did you know Aardvark is the first word in the dictionary?”   Um…no, we didn’t, Warner, although we always assumed the word ‘A’ was the first.  We know what the last one is:   “Zzzzzzzz”.  And we think you should avail yourself of the definition and ‘Take a Nap’.

“AARDVARK (NOUN) …SEE ‘CRAZY SPORTSCASTER’”

6:40:18 a.m. –  N.Y. Post Reporter, Fred Dicker, is on to discuss Weiner.  “Dicker on Weiner”.  Yes.  You are correct.  We ARE literally living in a ‘Who’s on First’ routine.  

THE LAW FIRM OF ‘DICKER…WEINER AND…ROOSTER” 

7:05:17 a.m. – “That Bradley Manning is gonna be getting’ some ‘Junk in his trunk’.” -  The I-Man’s prediction for the U.S. Army PFC’s fate.  

BRADLEY MANNING, (ON R. IN BLACK LEATHER) WILL BE A VERY POPULAR PRISONER

7:07:09 a.m. –  Connell reports on the CDC investigating this sudden breakout of Cyclospora infection…a strange stomach virus that is causing symptoms that include ‘Explosive Diarrhea.’   Just that very term strikes fear in our hearts, not to mention creates a mental image of a fireworks display we’d rather avoid.

THE AFTERMATH OF A PARTICULARLY BAD CASE OF ‘EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA’

7:21:33 a.m. – Warner got some sun yesterday…he’s pretty tan, and although he looks healthy, the image of him on the roof of his gym…all oiled up…with his shirt off…is…well, disturbing, to say the least. 

AFTER WORKING OUT WITH SOME FREE WEIGHTS, WARNER LIKES TO GET AT LEAST 30 MINUTES ON THE TANNING BED

7:25:22 a.m. –  Last night, the I-Man was watching Frances and Donnie Swaggart, (Notorious Hooker Hiring Evangelist Jimmy Swaggart’s Wife and Son, respectively) getting exorcised, and taking exception at Bishop TuTu’s remarks that he could not love a homophobic God.  In a related story…Bishop TuTu takes exception at “Those two phony Jesus Freak @$$holes.”

BISHOP TUTU:  “I COULD NOT LOVE THESE TWO HOMOPHOBES”

7:39:11a.m. –   Time for “Blonde on Blonde”, or as we like to call it:  “Where’s that copy of Final Exit when you need it?”   The I-Man begins with a remark about how impressive a man is Don Roundtree, the husband of Roxy Roundtree, the extraordinary woman whose story was subject of much of yesterday’s blog.  He is as much an embodiment of the concept of ‘Unconditional Love’ as you will ever encounter…the loyalty and devotion for his wife, an ALS sufferer, is nothing short of remarkably inspirational.  The I-Man informs Deirdre that he will not be able to achieve the same standard:  “You get a cold…and I’m out of here.”  

DEIRDRE AND THE I-MAN…SHORTLY AFTER HE SUFFERED THAT SHARP BLOW TO HIS HEAD

8:08:01 a.m. –    If we are to effort the Gunz/Sydney Leathers union, Gunz is going to need a good Porn Name.  “Snub Nose” and “Derringer” seem likely candidates.  Dagen notes that Leathers is a Skeezer, the type of which you would not even see in the likes of ‘Hustler’ magazine.  We maintain that she’s more likely to make the Centerfold of ‘Field and Stream”.

“TAKE MY HAND AND I’LL TAKE YOU THERE…THERE’S A PLACE FOR US…SOMEWHERE…”

8:15:01 a.m. –   Shea Allen, an Alabama Reporter got fired for her blog posts…wait a minute!  You can get fired for that?   Uh oh.  We’re outta here.  Apparently, Ms. Allen revealed that sometimes she goes on the air…without wearing a bra.  Rob does the same thing.  Sometimes…it looks like he’s smuggling peas across the border two at a time…

IT’S VERY COLD IN THE STUDIO MOST MORNINGS

8:38:01 a.m. –  Jake Tapper calls in on time for his scheduled interview, but, apparently, is ‘Too Big’ a star to hold while the I-Man gets some spots out of the way.  Working for CNN will do that to a person…make them lose perspective, and become delusional to the point where they actually think they A- Have a career,  and B- Are actually ON television.   Imus, however, takes this disrespect in his customary stride… and wails on Tapper like Foreman did on Frasier in Jamaica.   Three Mile Island and Fukushima didn’t melt down that fast.

TAPPER, POST-I-RANT

9:01:07 a.m. –   Anthony Weiner unveils his new 60 second campaign ad, which is about 50 seconds longer than his phone sex conversations lasted before he… ‘arrived’ at his destination.   In the ad, he addresses his refusal to bow out of the race, because “That’s not how New Yorkers roll…”    Oh, snap.  Weiner just went all ‘1993’ on us.  Way to go with the 20 year old reference, you moron.  But, than again, knowing you were texting photos of your penis AGAIN after having to resign from Congress the FIRST time you did it would be an indication that you’re not exactly ‘Final Jeopardy Worthy’.  That was really ‘Fresh to Death’, Anthony.   “Don’t Hate The Mayor, Hate The Game”…actually, that would even be too clever for him.  But…Word to your Mom.  

RUN DMC – ‘TOUGHER THAN SYDNEY LEATHERS’

Ed. Note:  Tony wants it known how ‘Hip’ that joke is.  Apparently, Legendary Hip Hop Artists, Run DMC’s CLASSIC Album was called

“Tougher than Leather”

See what we did there?  You’re welcome.

 

VIDEO OF THE DAY

WE HATE TO DO THIS, BUT TO ALL OF YOU SUFFERERS OF ‘EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA’, WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE ‘FEEL YOUR PAIN’.  ACCEPT THIS CLIP FROM ‘DUMB AND DUMBER’ AS OUR WAY OF LETTING YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  WHICH IS ABOUT AS DISGUSTING A THOUGHT AS WE COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE THIS MORNING.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AVMcJa77PM

 

Tuesday
Jul302013

Buy Roxy's Recipes!

6:05:00 a.m. –     Right now, before you go any further…click out of this blog, and go back to the Imus.com homepage and watch the Video ‘Roxy’s Recipes’ and be inspired by the most incredible story you’re likely to hear…ever.  One of Wyatt’s Rodeo peers, Bryce Roundtree has a Mom who is suffering from Lou Gehrig’s disease.  Roxanne is confined to a wheelchair, and communicates solely by…eye blinks.  She has written a cookbook…by doing just that.  It took 2 years, and it is for sale, and if you want to do something really worthwhile, follow this link http://www.roxanneroundtreecookbook.org/ and buy a copy of ROXY’S RECIPES… RIGHT NOW!!  But watch the video first.  It will put things into perspective.  And it will make your day.

ROXANNE ROUNDTREE:  HER STORY WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE, AT THE VERY LEAST, CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT IT

6:07:57 a.m. –  The I-Man shares yet another Eagles’ anecdote.  It’s official: this fixation has reached a disturbing level of obsession.  Even for him.  We think it may finally be time for The Boss to check into the ‘Hotel California’.  And by ‘Hotel California’  we mean…the effing nut house. 

THE I-MAN…STANDING ON A CORNER IN WINSLOW, ARIZONA WITH THE GUYS

6:10:17 a.m. –   Fr. Jonathan Morris to discuss the Pope’s views on Homosexuality.  The Holy Father has said “Who am I to judge?”   Um…you’re the Pope.  If you can’t be judgmental, who CAN?

WE DON’T WANT TO JUDGE…BUT DAGEN THINKS THESE TWO DUDES ARE HOT

7:05:42 a.m. –  I-Man with the ‘Line of the Day’:   “Happy Birthday to John Silver, the lawyer who has represented the Ranch for the past 15 years.  I would’ve called him to wish him ‘Happy Birthday’, but he would’ve charged me for the call.”

“KEEP SINGING…I’M ‘ROAMING’…SO THIS WILL WIND UP MAKING ME AROUND 1500 BUCKS”

7:13:13 a.m. –   Regarding perspective and inspiration in light of the Amazing Story of Roxanne Roundtree, The I-Man relates the story about Mother Teresa…who was asked:  “Mama T?  How you gonna take care of all them lepers?”  To which she replied… “I’m gonna start with THIS one over here.”   Way to go, ‘Mama T’.

‘MAMA T’: “I PITY THE FOOL WHO DON’T HELP THEM LEPERS!”

7:14:09 a.m. –   Imus promos the upcoming appearance of Rolling Stone and Vanity Fair Celebrity Photographer Mark Seliger’s band, ‘Rusty Truck’.  We’re glad he decided to name the band that…and not ‘Rusty Trombone’.

MARK SELIGER: HE OBVIOUSLY DIDN’T TAKE HIS OWN PICTURE

7:40:23 a.m. –  Our favorite ‘Spook’, Mike Baker is on this morning.  Mike has issues with Bradley Manning.  Uh oh.  We see some frequent flier miles in Mike’s future.  And some ‘Unsanctioned’ … ‘Sanctions’.  We suggest that Mr. Manning look into hiring a Food Taster and/or Car Starter.  Like…yesterday.

CONSIDERING OL’ BRAD IS PROBABLY GOING TO WIND UP AS SOMEBODY’S PRISON BITCH…HE MAY PREFER A MIKE BAKER ‘SANCTION’

8:05:34 a.m. –  A discussion of Alexis Bloomer, the daughter of ‘Bloomer Trailers’  Randy Bloomer ensues, the result of which is the suggestion to Gunz that he has a better shot with Carley than he does with Alexis.  Gunz immediately checks in with Dr. Bill to see what the 5 Day Forecast is in Hell.  Come on cold front!

NOT IN THIS UNIVERSE, GUNZ

8:15:38 a.m. –  The I-Man is disappointed in the mileage his Escalade is getting.  It’s currently 11 MPG.  He was hoping he’d get what he’s getting with his Freightliner…which is right around a half a mile per gallon.  In fact, The Freightliner should ship with its own Oil Sheik, but we digress.  Imus wants to leave a Jolly Green Giant sized Carbon Footprint.  He wants to emit enough Greenhouse gases to create his own personal hole in the ozone layer.

8:40:43 a.m. –  Imus asks one of the most intriguing questions known to mankind.  Not “What is the meaning of life?”  Nor is it “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”  Not even, “What the hell do women really want?”  He wants to know where ‘Bigfoot’ goes when he wants to talk to him.  It appears to be one of the most closely guarded secrets in the universe.  But if you were Bigfoot, you wouldn’t want the I-Man to know where your ‘Fortress of Solitude’ is either.

“SHHH!  DON’T TELL HIM!  I’M GOING TO THE BATHROOM!”

8:41:01 a.m. –   The I-Man is somewhat bemused by Liz McDonald’s question to Fabrice Tourre, the Goldman Sachs executive who is on trial for some kind of shady investment practice offense, in which he lied to investors (Or as they call it at Goldman Sachs… ‘Tuesday’.)   It’s a Pulitzer Prize winning query, to be sure:  “Hey, how are you doing?”    We half expect Fabrice to answer with the Joey from ‘Friends’ classic…  “How YOU doin’?”  We were kinda hoping she’d ask the question we’ve always wanted the answer to:  “If two trains leave New York at the same time, and one travels east and the other…”

“IS THIS CHICK NUTS?  ‘HOW’M I DOING’?  WHO AM I?  ED F%#&ING KOCH?  HOW THE F%#& DO YOU THINK  I’M DOING, YOU MORON?  I’M F%#&ED!”

9:05:01 a.m. –   Imus promos the re-broadcast of his interview with Father Morris where he wrestles with the theological question of why there are no women priests.   Father Morris’ take is that all of the Apostles were men, and there are no Male Nuns.  This, of course, amuses Imus who indeed DOES wonder why there aren’t any male nuns, seeing as how the priests are already wearing dresses.  As far as Jesus’ Apostles all being men, the I-Man’s take is, “How’d that work out for Him, huh?  Not great…I mean, seeing as what Judas did.”   Only the I-Man can take the Passion of the Christ and reduce it to the phrase “Throwing Jesus under the bus.”

“WE COOL, JUDAS!  NO HARD FEELINGS!”

9:15:45 a.m. –    Bigfoot runs some video of the Pope on a plane looking like he was the Flight Attendant, giving the Pre-Flight Safety Speech… “In the highly unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure…an oxygen mask will deploy, place it over your nose and mouth, say three Hail Marys and four Our Fathers and pray that your sins will be forgiven because you’re gonna die now.”

“Quando sedebit cingulum signum illuminat, oportet zonam figere sedem tuam”

(“When the seat belt sign illuminates, you must fasten your seat belt”)

 

VIDEO OF THE DAY

  

IF YOU ARE NOT MOVED AND INSPIRED BY THE STORY OF ROXANNE ROUNDTREE, YOU’D BETTER CHECK YOURSELF FOR A PULSE.  WATCH THIS AND THEN ASK YOURSELF ‘WHAT’S REALLY IMPORTANT IN LIFE?

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dv6U-TlB-PA

 

Monday
Jul292013

Weiner and Dicker

6:05:00 a.m. –   Imus begins the morning, program, and week, after an unpleasant experience in attempting to speak with Bernard.  Apparently, Gunz was guilty of ‘Conversationus Interruptus’.  He just would not stop bothering Bernie about the clips he was assembling for the Briefing, leaving Imus to wonder why Bernard was being so curt, rude and impatient with him.  Of course, he was doing so to Gunz…and not The I-Man.  At least, that’s what he wants The Boss to think.

“IF HE ASKS…TELL HIM THAT WHEN I SAID ‘SHUT UP, YOU MORON’…I WAS TALKING TO YOU, GUNZ.  OTHERWISE, I’M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU CARLEY’S CELL PHONE NUMBER.”

6:07:57 a.m. –  The Anthony Weiner saga rolls on…The New York Post’s, “New York Beat” Reporter, Fred Dicker, has a column in today’s paper about it, but  Connell makes the observation that he’s tired of the story, and the accompanying  Double Entendre puns associated with it, that appear to be inexhaustible.  He saw ‘Dicker on  Weiner’…and he “Wasn’t even amused…”   Until Lou says “Dicker?  I don’t even KNOW ‘er!”    And…it’s ‘Game On’ again.

“FREDERIC U. DICKER?”  “NO, FREDERICK…YOU  DICKER!”

6:10:17 a.m. –  Both Warner AND Mrs. Wolf went to the movies yesterday to see the new Woody Allen offering, ‘Blue Jasmine’, and The I-Man asks the Legendary Sports Reporter if Mrs. Wolf also sits in the ‘Handicapped Seats’ with him.  Warner corrects The Boss…he doesn’t sit IN the Handicapped Seats…he sits BEHIND them, because it’s relatively unlikely that anyone will actually sit in them.  That is, “Unless Stephen Hawking shows up”, as Imus observes.  We agree that sitting behind Stephen Hawking at the movies would certainly be a somewhat distracting situation:   “Um…Sir?  Could you please turn off your cell phone?” “That’s. Not. My. Cell. Phone. I. Was. Just. Laughing.”

“CAN. SOMEONE. PLEASE. THROW. SOME. POPCORN. IN. MY. MOUTH?”

6:40:18 a.m. –   “Bo Dietl, Bo Dietl, where have you been?”  “Out wit yer mama and I’ll do it agin’.”  Bo is back after the ‘unpleasantness’ of last week’s appearance.  He shares the story of the Nun Murder case, his solving of which, is what made him the Crime Fighting Legend he is today.  Apparently, when the Perp was apprehended, Bo engaged in some ‘Water Sports’…no, not what you might think:  ‘100 Meter Freestyle’ or the kind that requires “Rubber Sheets”.   He merely stuck the Rapist/Murderer slimeball’s head in a toilet.   Where it belonged.

THIS SUSPECT DECIDED TO SKIP THE MIDDLE MAN, AND JUST GO AHEAD AND STICK HIS OWN HEAD IN THE TOILET

7:05:17 a.m. – Imus learns that Whitey Bulger is not on the “Top Ten Mob Bosses” list from Time Magazine.  Somehow, when you’re being held over the railing of a 25 story balcony, by your ankles…the ranking of the guy who’s holding you…doesn’t really make that much of a difference. 

WE THINK THE HAT MAY HAVE BEEN WHAT ULTIMATELY KEPT WHITEY OFF THE TOP TEN LIST…ALTHOUGH IT DID GET HIM ON ‘BLACKWELL’S BEST DRESSED MOB BOSSES’  LIST

7:07:09 a.m. – Dagen shares her Encyclopedic NASCAR Knowledge, when Imus asks her about Ryan Newman.  She’s a virtual Biography Channel when it comes to ‘Fun Facts’ about the driver…she knows who his sponsor is, where he went to college, his major, his grade point average…his kids’ names, his favorite food…everything except for the name of the guy who read the films of his latest colonoscopy.    But that’s only because the I-Man didn’t ask her.

RYAN’S FAVORITE FAST FOOD JOINT:  LONG JOHN SILVER’S FISH N’ CHIPS

7:40:01 a.m. –  The Weiner story has put Double Entendres on our brains to the point where it’s starting to bleed into other, completely unrelated stories.  So when the I-Man introduces Dick LEHR (Pronounced ‘Lair’), who has written a book about Whitey BULGER…it invokes giggles.  For the record, Dick Lehr is not the name of a gay bar on Christopher Street, and we’re not about to begin to make jokes about Whitey Bulger…as we’d like to still be alive for the 8:30 guest.

“HEH HEH…HE SAID ‘BULGE’…HEH H…UM…FORGET WHAT WE JUST SAID…WE DIDN’T THINK IT WAS…UM…OH, JESUS, LOOK AT THE TIME, WE GOTTA GO!”

8:05:01 a.m. –  Imus has a discussion with our Chief “Meteorgxckpjmyelist”, Dr. Bill Evans, on the radio-only side of the program, about the ‘Duck Quack’  sound effect that is played every time there is a time check on the program.  Dr. Bill inquires as to what the Duck’s name is, which prompts an anecdote from the history of the I-Man, regarding the Duck’s origin.  Back in 1971, when the I-Man first came to New York from Cleveland, he initiated the use of the Duck Quack sound to keep the original engineer of the Imus in the Morning program, Flash Gordine, on his toes.   For the record, the  Duck doesn’t have a name.  But even if he did, we’re pretty sure Dr. Bill couldn’t pronounce THAT either.

THE IMUS IN THE MORNING TIME CHECK DUCK (ARTIST’S RENDERING) IT DIDN’T HAVE A NAME, BUT EVEN IF IT DID, IT WOULDN’T BE ‘DONALD’, DESPITE THE FACT THAT ‘DONALD’ IS THE I-MAN’S NAME…BECAUSE DISNEY WOULD SUE

8:17:53 a.m. – There is an on-air discussion about the cost of religion.  Apparently, in the I-Man’s estimation, the Catholics get off easy, as the Baptists pass the plate around every two seconds during the service like the dude who used to spin them on the old Ed Sullivan Show.  In Synagogues, those of the Jewish Faith actually sell tickets for seats on the High Holy Days.  We’re just thankful that the Aztecs aren’t still performing their holiday rituals…because those cost…a human sacrifice.

“JESUS, WHY COULDN’T I HAVE BEEN AN ATHEIST?  OR AT LEAST,  BORN…JEWISH?”

8:38:34 a.m. –  Ed Henry, the Chief White House Correspondent for Fox News, is on to discuss the Mid-East Peace Process re-boot… the Accord 2.0, if you will.   We’re a little skeptical about the whole ‘Peace in the Middle East’ thing…it’s been a couple of Millennia…somehow, we don’t think John Kerry is going to be the one who’s going to ‘Break the Streak’, so to speak. 

MERE MOMENTS AFTER ITS’ RELEASE, THIS DOVE WAS SHOT OUT OF THE SKY

9:05:01 a.m. –  Dick Lehr was such a great guest, and the I-Man’s interest in the Whitey Bulger story is so profound, Dick is brought back for another ‘go’.  It’s not just a replay of the earlier interview, which will be re-broadcast in another few minutes.  There are still some burning questions the I-Man has about the case, and spends most of the time during the interview wondering why he’s so interested, and apologizing for his obsession…he’s actually arguing with himself over the matter so much, Dick is hardly able to hold up his end of the conversation.  Finally, after settling the argument with himself, the Split Personality Imus asks the first of the questions he still has about Whitey Bulger…but we’ve run out of time.

“YOU SHUT UP!”  “NO, YOU SHUT UP!”  “WHY DON’T YOU COME OVER HERE AND MAKE ME SHUT UP?”  “I’M RIGHT HERE, YOU MORON!”

 

VIDEO OF THE DAY

FOR THOSE OF YOU, WHO, LIKE THE I-MAN, JUST CAN’T SEEM TO GET ENOUGH OF THE INCREDIBLE WHITEY BULGER STORY, WE OFFER YOU THIS 45 MINUTE DOCUMENTARY ABOUT HIM FROM THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC CHANNEL.

ENJOY, I-MAN!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFj0P5rHHl0

Friday
Jul262013

Mafia Friday

6:05:00 a.m. –       The I-Man is illin’.  It’s been quite awhile since he’s felt ‘awful’.  At that high altitude, with his breathing problems, and the fact that he’s battling Cancer, it’s remarkable he’s even in the chair this morning, but…what?  He’s got…indigestion?  From eating HALF A CHOCOLATE MOUSSE PIE?  You’re kidding.  That malady we refer to around here as ‘Rob Disease’.

WE KNOW THE I-MAN IS HURTIN’…BUT IT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS DEFINITELY WORTH IT

6:07:57 a.m. –  This morning we are going to have former mobsters in the studio.  One is born again.  The other has ‘unborn’ quite a few people.  Imus wants to insure that he gets them on in time.  Yah.  We’d have to agree…these are not gentlemen to whom you do not want to extend EVERY courtesy…that is, if you value your kneecaps or ability to swallow.  Or like to start your own car.

“IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN GET FOR YOU GENTLEMEN?  NO, SERIOUSLY, ANYTHING...IT WOULD BE OUR PLEASURE…NO…ACTUALLY, IT WOULD TRULY BE…OUR HONOR.”

6:10:17 a.m. –  The saddles didn’t arrive yesterday, just as the I-Man suspected would happen, despite Wyatt’s hopeful naiveté.  Now that the I-Man’s new friends are the two pictured just above…we’d be VERY surprised if they weren’t HAND DELIVERED this morning, while Imus is still on the air.

“SORRY…I RAN ALL THE WAY FROM SANTA FE…WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT THIS ONE?”

6:15:42 a.m. –  It’s so out of character for the Boss to obsess over anything, but, last night, he watched the entire THREE HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTE long Eagles Documentary for the TWELFTH time this week.   How many times can you hear the story about David Geffen suing Don Henley?  Jesus! 

POP QUIZ: WHO REGRETS THEIR HAIRSTYLE THE MOST IN THIS PICTURE?  GLENN FREY OR DON HENLEY?  (YOU NOTICE JOE WALSH HAS THE PRESCIENT SENSE TO WEAR A BANDANA)

7:05:17 a.m. – An unusually reflective and introspective I-Man on the notion of “Paying it Forward” with “Random Acts of Kindness”:  “Do something for someone else.  You can start by holding the elevator for somebody in your building.”  Advice, to which, in the old days, he would’ve added, “…then let it shut right in front of their eyes just before they step in.”

“OOPS!  GUESS YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE, SPARTACUS”

7:15:09 a.m. – Matt Taibbi has a piece in the new Rolling Stone, in which he hammers Anthony Weiner.  “Here’s why Weiner needs to get out…” the I-Man says… “…when even Matt Taibbi bails on ya…”   He is not happy, however, with the gratuitous shot Matt takes at Don Henley and Glenn Frey:  “Taibbi needs to shut up about the Eagles.   Especially when two of his favorite bands are Question Mark and the Mysterians and K.C. and the Sunshine Band.”

“THAT’S THE WAY, UH HUH UH HUH HE LIKES IT.”  WE MEAN TAIBBI…NOT WEINER

7:40:35 a.m. –  Former mobsters, (that’s not the word WE would use…we would prefer ‘businessmen’) Michael Franzese and Sal Polisi are in studio to promote the National Geographic Special Mini-Series  “Inside The American Mob”.  Mr. Polisi was once in the Federal Witness Protection Program…he was sent to San Antonio Texas, where, he notes:   “I didn’t BLEND in.”    We don’t know why.  Just because he broke a Mariachi’s finger when he “Didn’t know any Sinatra”…and he made a stink when ‘Mi Tierra Tacqueria’ said they didn’t have Veal Parmesan…

“YIPPEE KAI YAY PARTNUH…YOUSE ALL COME BACK NOW…YA HEAH?”

8:05:28 a.m. –  The Puppies keep biting the I-Man.  Maybe if his hands didn’t look like beef jerky it wouldn’t be a problem. 

“JESUS…WHEN DOES THE GUY WITH THE BEEF JERKY COME BACK SO YOU CAN BITE HIM INSTEAD OF ME?”

8:08:22 a.m. –  Imus promotes the upcoming appearance of our 8:35 Guest, Joe Tacopina, or as Deirdre and Wyatt refer to him… ‘Lucinda’s Lawyer’.  Joe is the litigator who, as those of you loyal listeners might remember, took the ‘Ritzy Canine’ case. Ritzy Canine was the Dog Boarding business that Tacopina put OUT of business after suing them for losing Wyatt’s beloved dog, Lucinda.  As the owners of ‘Ritzy Canine’ found out, this is not a man to be trifled with… as evidenced in the landmark case ‘Tommy V. Crack’  wherein a young boy stepped on a crack, breaking a friend’s mother’s back, for which the judge found Tommy liable to the tune of a million dollars.   And yet, even Tacopina is afraid of those two guys from the mob.

‘EXHIBIT A’

8:15:37 a.m. –  Imus is still talking about the ‘Goodfellas’ we had in studio earlier this morning.  “They didn’t seem nervous when they were on.”   You mean two guys, in whose Cadillac Fleetwood Trunks there are shovels and bags of lime don’t fear an old cowboy with diminished lung capacity 2000 miles away?  Fugeddaboudit.

“WHAT’S IN THE TRUNK?  NOTHING.  OH…YOU MEAN…THAT?  THAT’S UH…A DEER.  WE HIT A DEER AND WE DIDN’T WANT TO LEAVE THE POOR THING IN THE ROAD SO WE WRAPPED IT UP IN A BLANKET AND FIGURED WE WOULD BRING IT BACK DOWN HERE TO THE VET.”

8:18:43a.m. –   Imus has been complimenting Robin Roberts all morning for her interview with Juror B-29 from the George Zimmerman trial, and Warner shares a ‘Fun Fact’ with us.  It seems that Ms. Roberts lives in Warner’s building, and her father happens to be one of the heroes of World War II.   It seems that he was one of the ‘Muskeegee Airmen.’ Warner misspeaks himself.  It’s not the ‘Muskeegee Airmen.’  It’s the ‘Tuskeegee Airmen.’   Just as it was Brett Musburger who flew from non-stop from New York to Paris in the ‘Spirit of Saint Lou Christie’    

"LUCKY MUSSY"

8:22:44 a.m. – Warner reports about Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announcement that he has sold the naming rights for Cowboys Stadium to AT&T…much to Jerry’s delight, as he likes ANYTHING with the letters T & A in it.  “AT&T stands for… ‘A Titty bar…Wawwner.’”  

IF YOU WANT A LAP DANCE…PRESS ONE.  BUT YOU HAVE TO DIAL ‘9’ FIRST.

8:39:09 a.m. –   Joe Tacopina is on, and he and the I-Man reflect on the many lives they saved…dog lives that is, by shutting down the Animal Treblinka known as ‘The Ritzy Canine’.  Tacopina muses that he surprised HIMSELF with his power, when, after merely sending a carefully worded letter, in which he informed the owners of the establishment of his intentions moving forward in a litigation motion.  We believe the closing of the letter might have had something to do with it.  “You just f#%ed with the wrong people.  Very sincerely yours, Joseph Tacopina Esq.”

IT’S NOW A BODEGA

9:05:24 a.m. –  Imus on Mayoral Candidates, Thompson, De Blasio and Liu, who currently trail Anthony Weiner in the polls.   “If you can’t beat a guy sending pictures of his dick…you need to get out of politics!”  Not to put too fine a point on it.

LIU NEEDS TO TAKE A FEW PICTURES LIKE THIS AND HE’LL BUMP UP IN THE POLLS

9:08:19 a.m. –   Imus muses about the recent Southwest Airlines crash at LaGuardia last week.  According to preliminary investigation, the plane landed on the nose wheel instead of the main landing gear.  “I’ve flown a lot.  Generally, you don’t land ‘nose first’.”    No…he only landed like that back in the 80’s when he was walking.

THE I-MAN TAKING A “STROLL” IN CENTRAL PARK ONE MORNING CIRCA 1983

VIDEO OF THE DAY

 

WE HAVE TWO FOR YOU TODAY BECAUSE MICHAEL FRANCESE REQUESTED THAT.  AND WHATEVER HE WANTS…HE GETS.  HE STARS IN THE FIRST, ‘THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF THE MAFIA’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lx8eGXOllsU 

AND THIS ONE IS HIS FAVORITE SCENE IN HIS FAVORITE MOVIE

  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E84VqqCPI7w 

 

                                       

Thursday
Jul252013

More Weiner

6:05:00 a.m. –   The I-Man is sporting his new Ray Bans…which, incredulously actually DID arrive overnight, as promised.   Of course, wearing them at 4 a.m. Mountain Time, when even the coyotes are still asleep is somewhat suspect.  The only people who wear sunglasses that early in the morning are Stevie Wonder and Jose Feliciano.   

AND YET…NEITHER OF THEM LOOK AS COOL AS THE I-MAN

6:07:57 a.m. –  “Patrick Gottsch has a new Sirius Channel.  Everybody on it is AWFUL.”  The I-Man weighs in on the RFD Network Magnate’s latest venture, Rural Radio, the name for which, Imus is responsible.  We have not heard it yet, but as RFD was the network that proudly brought back the Classic American Comedy series ‘Hee Haw’…any man who helps to perpetuate Lulu Roman’s career must know what he’s doing on the radio.

LULU ROMAN:  NICE JUGS

6:25:13 a.m. –  Bernie Briefing…with information that you could file under, ‘I Don’t Believe I Would’ve SHARED That.”   Apparently, the woman that Anthony Weiner was ‘sexting’ complained that, during phone sex, Weiner…um… ‘Arrived At The Destination’ a tad earlier than she would’ve preferred.  There was some Premature ‘Phone-A-Tation’ as Bo would say.  REALLY Premature.  About 30 Seconds in.   There are TV Show Theme Songs that are longer.   If you were to time Weiner against ‘The Beverly Hillbillies’… he’d be done before you heard the whole ‘Story ‘bout a man named Jed.’    He’d get to HIS Bubblin’ Crude before Mr. Clampett.   (Oil that is…)

“THAT WEINER BOY SURE IS QUICK!   WELLLLLLLLL DOGGIE!”

6:40:18 a.m. –  Stuart Varney.  Weighing in on the President’s Speech, and ‘The Babe Who Would Be King’, George.  Who, as it turns out, is named after his Great Grandfather, The Stutterer who was the subject of ‘The King’s Speech’.  In other words, Sire…. “It’s a b-b-b-b-b-baby…b-b-b-b-b-b-b…um…son.”

“YOU’LL DO FINE…I USED TO WORK WITH TOM BROKAW”

7:05:17 a.m. –  GREAT NEWS!!!   Wyatt’s Saddles are supposed to be delivered today.  He won THREE of them last March, winning in the Calf Roping, Team Roping and Ribbon Roping events at the District 9 Finals.   The kids at the Ranch are all ‘Jacked Up’ to see them…we can only hope that they actually DO show up, and it’s not another, crushing disappointment for the children, as it was when Presidential Hopeful John Kerry’s Campaign Train…blew through the Ranch at about the Speed of Sound.

“SENATOR KERRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU” (OUR IMPRESSION OF THE DOPPLER EFFECT)

7:17:09 a.m. –  Warner Reports that Patriots Head Coach, Bill Belichick gave his first Press Conference regarding accused murderer and Aaron Hernandez.  “Sometimes they work out, sometimes they don’t.”    Really, Coach?  You mean, “Sometimes they become All Pro Tight Ends….but sometimes they go on a killing spree.”   Moron.

COACH BELICHICK AND THE MAN WHO GAVE HIM THE HEADACHE:  LIKE THE TATTOOS WEREN’T A DEAD GIVEAWAY THIS GUY WAS GONNA BE TROUBLE?

7:40:01 a.m. –  The Mensa Meeting, with Bernard, Deirdre, Alan Colmes and Bo Dietl.  Alan is actually DEFENDING Anthony Weiner.  Deirdre, resplendent in a Blue Junior High Rodeo Tank Top…takes him to task…while Mr. Colmes says that he is just pointing out Bo’s Double Standard, as Mr. Dietl supported Rudolph Giuliani, who cheated on his wife.  We’re not getting in the middle of this debate, we’re just glad Alan has never tweeted pictures of his penis.   Because it would be difficult to tell whether or not it was actually his promo picture.

THIS IS NOT A PICTURE OF ALAN’S PENIS  (OR CREEP SHOW HOST ZACHERLE)

8:08:01 a.m. –  15 year old Rodeo Sensation, the Great Wyatt Imus appears in studio with the I-Man, and gets reprimanded for not taking a more intolerant attitude with the company that is supposedly sending him his three saddles today.  Wy-Man is understanding, has a great perspective on life, and is willing to cut them some slack, as he realizes that taking care of the Kids with Cancer is the most important thing.   The Boss, attacking what he perceives as his son’s naivete, says “I was born at night…but not LAST night.”   “You need to get some new lines, Dad.”   Ahhhh, The Force is strong with this one.  

WYATT GIVES HIS FATHER A PIGGIE BACK RIDE

8:18:01 a.m. –   Imus promos the Bernie Briefing, then realizes that B isn’t back yet.  Warner says the he IS back, he just hasn’t turned his mike on.  Um...Warner, we can see the empty chair in the monitor.  It’s clear WW is into the box of wine early this morning.

“HELLO, BERNIE…”

8:38:01 a.m. –  Linda Fairstein is on to talk about her book ‘Death Angel’  She’s an awful nice lady to write such sick, twisted stuff.  PLUS one of her five favorite songs is ‘Sexual Healing’?   Really?  Fairstein is a Stone Cold….FREAK!   You go, girl!

LINDA FAIRSTEIN FROM PLAYBOY’S

 ‘THE GIRLS OF THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY’S OFFICE’ PHOTO SHOOT

9:05:01 a.m. – Scott Salotto reports that Anthony Weiner is continuing his campaign…and today he is going to ‘Flatbush’.  Which is a part of BROOKLYN…get your minds out of the gutter.  But this is what happens when you have a story about a guy named ‘Weiner’ who is accused of texting photos of his penis.  EVERYTHING becomes a double-entendre.  So later on, when Weiner goes to the ‘Meat Packing District’ of NYC, don’t’ go getting all in a giggle fit.  Weiner WON’T be going to ‘Dix Hills’, because that’s on Long Island, and ‘Coxsackie’ is upstate New York.   But, like the I-Man says, Weiner has to stay in the race, otherwise, his career is over…and, no doubt, he’ll have to retire somewhere like ‘Intercourse, ‘Blue Balls’ or ‘Bird in Hand’ Pennsylvania.

ONE OF THE DISTRICTS WHERE WEINER EXPECTS HIS POLLING WILL BE STRONG

 

 VIDEO OF THE DAY

IN LIGHT OF THE ANTHONY WEINER STORY

TWO ‘VIAGRA’ COMMERCIALS THAT DID NOT MAKE IT TO

AMERICAN TV

‘DICKIE’ THE VIAGRA MASCOT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-S2KJk9vB8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KShkhIXdf1Y