6:05:10 a.m. – We can sleep easy now, as this morning comes the happy news that Casey Kasem has been found. The former voice of ‘Shaggy’ from Scooby Doo is safe. Thank God for Scooby and the gang…we’re sure they were instrumental in solving this mystery.
GIVE THAT DOG A SCOOBY SNACK!
6:10:20a.m. – Charles Gasparino is in Vegas, and was photographed in a ‘Wife Beater’ T-Shirt and fanny pack. Take a second to go back and re-read that sentence. Yes, your eyes were NOT deceiving you, Charles Gasparino is, indeed out in Las Vegas, spotted wearing a ‘Wife Beater’ T-Shirt AND a FANNY PACK! A FANNY PACK! What’s THAT for? To hold his ‘Walkman’? We think the headline here is… “They Still Sell Fanny Packs.” Unless Gasparino’s is ‘vintage’, which, we’re beginning to think may be the case, because as comfortable he seems to appear dressed in this idiotic get up, it’s clearly not the first time he’s done it.
ARE WE SURE THIS IS VEGAS AND NOT FIRE ISLAND? WE’D HAVE TO SEE THE FOOTWEAR TO KNOW FOR SURE. IF IT’S CROCS, WE WILL DEFINITELY HAVE OUR ANSWER
6:12:24 a.m – The I-Man reports that Geraldo called Joe Tacopina…a punk! A punk! We’d think this was a case of ‘It takes one to know one.’, but Rivera is not a punk. He’s a bitch. The I-Man’s bitch. But, then again, so is Joe Tacopina. So you bitches shut the f&^% up and start getting along. Otherwise, the Boss will have to get his ‘Pimp Hand’ strong.
6:18:37 a.m. – During the Sports report, Warner does a story about the Nets/Heat game, but the audio clip, (or actuality, as it’s called in Broadcast Parlance…don’t say you’ve never learned anything from this blog) misfires. (Also a Broadcast term) Gunz, who is responsible for these clips, and who, except for ‘Mensa Meeting’ Days, does the show over at the ABC Studios on 32nd Street with Bernie and Lou, says that the “Computer Froze”. That would never happen here at Fox. NOTHING freezes here. Because Imus keeps the studio temperature somewhere between The Rain Forest and the Dark Side of the Sun.
AT 5778 KELVIN, (10 MILLION DEGREES) IT’S STILL A LITTLE ‘NIPPY’ FOR THE I-MAN
6:35:07 a.m. – Fox reporter, Rick Leventhal, toured the 9-11 Memorial Museum, in advance of its’ public opening next week, and describes the many exhibits. He notes that the museum is a tough and chilling experience, and, as a result, they placed doors all along the museum’s premises, so that people who are overcome by the experience, can make a quick and private exit. We wonder why Fox didn’t employ the same type of blueprint for the studio here on the ground floor of the NewsCorp Building, as there has been many a guest looking for a way out while being interviewed by the I-Man.
7:13:24 a.m – The I-Man makes the case for Louis C.K. being a ‘National Treasure’. Does that mean he’s like the Lincoln Memorial? Or the movies with Nicholas Cage? We couldn’t agree more with him about the genius of Louis, as evidenced in the most recent episode of his FX show, in which he wrote one of the greatest monologues ever to be heard, performed by a genius actress, Sarah Baker. Her dissertation on what it’s like being a ‘Fat Girl’ is compelling, heartbreaking and amazingly insightful. And quite a long way from “You’re a stupid Fat F&*K!”
BUT SHE’S GOT SUCH A PRETTY FACE…
7:17:34 a.m. – Connell mentions that, today, Nat’s a button or two low on his shirt, to the point where he will, essentially, be considered a ‘flasher’. He’s revealing quite a lot of his trademark ‘Angora Sweater’-like chest hair. Upon which, apparently, Dolly Parton complimented him on it, and suggested that he flaunt it more openly. Which tells us that Dolly likes her men the way she likes her primates: Hirsute.
YOU THINK NAT’S CHEST IS HAIRY…YOU SHOULD GET A GANDER AT HIS BACK.
7:40:12 a.m. – The MENSA Meeting. Or, as Gary Busey would call it, “More Exceptional Nonsense Spoken Aloud”. The topics include Boko Haram, children eating candy, Warren Buffet’s Billion Dollar Donations to Abortion Rights, and how Deirdre called the I-Man a ‘Javalina’ (Pronounced ‘Have A Leena’)
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL DEIRDRE IS TALKING ABOUT…
8:16:32 a.m. – The I-Man asks Warner if he’s got any pets. Warner says “Yes…a little dog!” Imus asks what the pup’s name is. “Well his name is ‘Nicky’…” Warner answers. “…but I call him ‘Kato’.” Uh huh. Hm. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t come when you call it, Warner.
“IT’S ACTUALLY NOT A BAD EXISTENCE, REALLY…THEY FEED ME EVERY DAY, TAKE ME FOR WALKS, BUT EVERY ONCE AND AWHILE HE CALLS ME ‘NICKY’.”
8:36:14 a.m. – Dr. Barron Lerner, an internist at NYU Hospital at Bellevue and a Bio Ethics expert with a Phd in History is on… His book, “The Good Doctor: A Father, a Son, and the Evolution of Medical Ethics “ . We think we’ll wait for the movie, although, the I-Man suggests everybody read the book, because… “Everybody goes to the doctor.” Wow. So that’s the reason why we bought Lee Iaccoca’s book. Because everybody drives. The good Doctor’s deal, according to the I-Man’s simplification, is, he “want(s) to make people well, and his father wanted to kill people.” Differing medical philosophies between the Elder and the Junior Dr. Lerner, involving the concept of a DNR. Which, at first, we think means ‘Department of Natural Resources, but we later find out means ‘Do Not Resuscitate’. An order for which, we are sure, Deirdre has on the I-Man, should he even…take a nap.
THE BRACELET THE D-WOMAN GAVE THE I-MAN THEIR FIRST CHRISTMAS TOGETHER
9:05:10 a.m. - There are some things a human being were never meant to see. War atrocities, the death of children, and…The Boss getting his makeup removed. We’ve suffered through his pedicure photos, his eating of a banana, and his steroid induced punkin head…but this image we will NEVER be able to wipe from our sense memories.
THE I-MAN DOING HIS ‘MONICA LEWINSKY’ IMPRESSION
VIDEO OF THE DAY :
In case you didn’t see last Monday’s ‘Louie’ Episode:
The aforementioned, truly AMAZING ‘Fat Girl’ Scene, as written by Louis C.K. and performed by the brilliant actress, Sarah Baker