6:05:10 a.m. – L’shona Tovah to all our Jewish Friends! Of course, you should not be on any electronic devices today, as Rosh Hashanah started last night at sundown. So if you’re reading this, you’re going to hell. We know there is no ‘Hell’ in the Jewish faith, so we guess you’ll just intern for the I-Man. The year is 5775. Wow. Where did the time go? Seems like just yesterday it was 5774. We know some of you will still be writing that on your checks until Yom Kippur. Don’t forget to blow your Shofar. Although, you can probably get away with just tipping him.
6:08:16 a.m. – Nat is not here today. The I-Man gave him 100 bucks yesterday to get him plugs to charge his iDevices, and hasn’t seen Stage Manager Candido since. The Boss has hired a Skip Tracer to find Nat AND his money. He doesn’t need to do that, because Nat is a man of great integrity when it comes to other people’s money. We wouldn’t let him date your daughter if we were you, but he’s an honest man, a good egg. However, should he come in tomorrow with a head full of wavy locks, made from the hair he had waxed off his back, you’ll know where the I-Man’s Benjamin went.
NAT BEFORE ( L ) AND AFTER ( R )
6:17:08 a.m. – Dagen reports that the new iPhone 6 bends when placed in a pocket. And once it bends, it stays that way. Kind of like President Clinton’s ‘Peyronie Peter’. She says it’s especially a problem with people who wear ‘Skinny Jeans’. Gunz admits to being an aficionado of said jeans. We didn’t think that any REAL man would ‘fess up to wearing ‘Skinny Jeans’. Dagen pipes up. “At least he doesn’t have a vagina.” Sadly, this is true. Gunz hasn’t ever since his girlfriend broke up with him last year. He then adds “Maybe I have something else in there that’s 6 and a half inches. Um…Gunz? We don’t believe we would’ve told that. (Paraphrasing the great Billy Sol Hargus Joke) If Gunz placed his wiener on a map of the United States from East to West, he wouldn’t even reach New Jersey. Of course, that’s only if it’s bent like his iPhone.
6:46:03 a.m. – The ‘Bombastic Brit’, Stuart Varney, is on this morning, and he’s all fired up about Obama, which is unusual for him. (The preceding sentence is a great representative example of the word ‘Irony’, for those of you readers who are studying for the S.A.T.) Stuart’s time was cut short due to the I-Man going on about his iPhone6 Plus. Thank you, I-Man. If only you could provide the same service during Stuart’s program.. He continues to talk about his technological devices, and how each of them has the new O’Reilly book, KILLING PATTON, on it. Stuart is THRILLED that Imus is talking about another Fox host, while he’s sitting there. (Another example of the word ‘Irony’) Well, Stuart, maybe YOU should write a book: KILLING MYSELF. We don’t know if it would be a Best-seller, but…WE’D buy it. For ALL our devices AND the hardcover for our libraries.
THIS WILL, UNFORTUNATELY FOR HIM, PUT STUART INTO A MUCH HIGHER TAX BRACKET
6:47:28 a.m. – Stuart seems stunned by the length of Imus’ hair, and asks if he’s growing it deliberately. No, you moron, he’s growing it ‘accidentally’. Imus informs Stuart that he got a haircut last night. Stuart says “Well, you didn’t get your money’s worth.” Oh, snap. Varney is making fun of the I-Man’s Cowboy Chic.
STUART SHOWING SOME OF HIS ‘BRITISH CHIC’. AND HE’S DISSING THE I-MAN’S HAIR?
7:17:28 a.m. – Gunz is in for Warner, who is off for Rosh Hashanah, and he reports on Derek Jeter’s farewell game at Yankee Stadium. He has a neat little piece of trivia: Apparently, the late, great Yankee Announcer, Bob Shepherd, recorded himself announcing Derek, shortly before he passed away a couple of years ago. The I-Man said, “97, wasn’t he?” Gunz reply? “No, it was just 3 or 4 years ago.” It’s like the old joke where the corner man says to the downed fighter, ‘Stay down til 8! Stay down til 8!’ Boxer gets counted out. And then says “I looked up at the clock and it was only 7:30.”
GUNZ: THE ORIGINAL POSTER CHILD
7:41:24 a.m. – THE MENSA MEETING. Gunz is still at Fox, as he has to do the Sports for Warner, and he has to finish eating his paste, so he’s not sitting at the console with the rest of the panel. He doesn’t pipe up at first, but when he finally weighs in on the threat of Muslims, Deirdre says, “Who is that? Is that the voice of a munchkin?” No. We hate to correct you, Deirdre, but a munchkin has a much deeper voice than Gunz.
GUNZ ON THE MONITOR IN THE STUDIO. IT’S ALMOST LIKE HE’S REALLY THERE. EXCEPT WITHOUT THE DANDRUFF FLAKES FROM THE HAIR GEL. AND, OF COURSE, THE DROOLING.
8:06:32 a.m. – The I-Man promotes the upcoming appearance of Neil Cavuto, and he’s very excited that Mr. Cavuto will actually be on the program. We too, are looking forward to it, as though it was Ali/Frazier, Billy Jean King/Bobby Riggs, Rodney King / The Police. As you know, Mr. Cavuto stopped in last week for a cameo, but refused to be put on the air. We assume it was deliberate, so as not to dilute today’s segment. ‘Leave it in the Dressing Room’ as it’s called in Show Business.
“I WILL HIT HIM SO HARD, HE’LL FEEL IT ALL THE WAY UP TO HIS THYMUS. I’M COMIN’ FOR YOU, TO BEAT YOUR ASS, IMUS!”
8:18:16 a.m. – Gunz opens his sports report. “Broadcasting from the NJ Diet dot com studios, something that Cavuto could use…” This kid is living proof that the world is made up of Protons, Neutrons, Electrons…and Morons.
GUNZ. CHOOSING D ACTUALLY WASN’T THE DUMBEST THING HE’S EVER DONE
8:38:14 a.m. – The I-Man comes back from break as the Right Reverend Billy Sol Hargus. It’s a blast from the past. Brilliant, funny, and what originally put him on the map. He’s actually been doing the character all morning, but this time he does a bit as Hargus from his old Stand Up Comedy Act. The punchline is “I don’t think I would’ve told that one.” Great joke. But it was a loooooong time getting to it. If it were either of us, he would’ve said, “You already set it up, repeating it four times is tedious.” But we’re not ones to judge.
HE DON’T CARE IF IT RAINS OR FREEZES. A CLASSIC IS A CLASSIC
8:44:08 a.m. – Imus tells Cavuto that he likes our new TV Boss Bill Shine, because, unlike our former TV Boss, Ol’ ‘Bug Up His Butt’ Kevin Magee, Bill allows him to say ‘Titty Bar’ on the air. Which he promptly does, in front of Neil. This causes Neil to ask the question: “How stupid can you be?” We assume it’s a rhetorical question, because there’s no way anybody would have an answer for that.
KEVIN MAGEE. HE’LL GO TO ONE, HE JUST WON’T LET YOU SAY WHERE HE WAS ON THE AIR
8:46:12 a.m. – The interview goes downhill from there. It leads to this final uncomfortable exchange: Imus throws a curveball at Cavuto, asking if he ever did drugs. Cavuto indicates that he will not fall for this trap, but says that the drugs he’s on now are WAY better than those the I-Man did in the 70’s and 80’s. This leads the Boss to ask if he’s got any on him. Cavuto responds that he’d be happy to stick a syringe in his eye. BOOM! Down…goes…Imus.
“YOU MIGHT FEEL A LITTLE PRICK.” UM…THERE’S NOTHING LITTLE ABOUT THAT PRICK, CAVUTO.
VIDEO OF THE DAY
It’s ‘Throwback Thursday’; to celebrate the return of God’s Other Son,
We offer this tutorial on how to play His theme song on The ClawHammer Banjo
YOU, TOO, CAN PLAY JUST LIKE PAUL NEWMAN IN ‘COOL HAND LUKE’ YOU’LL HAVE TO LISTEN TO ‘ONE SACRED CHICKEN TO GO’ TO GET THE IMUS VERSION OF THE LYRICS, BUT TRUST US. ONCE YOU LEARN THEM, YOU’LL BE THE LIFE OF THE PARTY.
Comments from the I-Man: The blog is just ok. Rob and Tony clearly have another job and are treading water till I fire their sorry assess from this one. How else can one explain this unfunny sh*t?