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Deirdre's Corner

 Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Congress must make Chemical Safety Act live up to its name

by Deirdre Imus - The Frank R. Lautenberg Chemical Safety Act for the 21st Century has a nice ring to it. Named for the late, longtime New Jersey Senator who passed away in 2013, the bill, championed in the Senate by Republican David Vitter and Democratic Tom Udall, would reform the Toxic Substances Control Act of 1976 (TSCA). It is a shame that both the current and proposed legislation fall far short of their lofty names, and that countless Americans have suffered, are suffering, will suffer as a result.  Read more...

Deirdre Imus on Your World with Neil Cavuto - Little Caesars now selling pizza with bacon-wrapped crust

 

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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    Wednesday
    Feb052014

    Walking in a Winter Wonderland

    6:05:10 a.m. –   We all suck.  Imus goes down the line and brands us each with the ‘Suck’ designation.  We are united in our ‘Suckness’.  We embrace the Suckatation.  There is strength in numbers.  We ALL suck.  Except for Lou and Bernie.  Because they blow.

    DAGEN, CONNELL, ROB, TONY AND NAT

    6:06:12 a.m. –  O’Reilly wants his fans to go online and give him a grade for his interview with the President.  Given O’Reilly’s fans…we assume he’s going to be graded on the curve.

    WE GAVE HIM…AN ‘INCOMPLETE’

    6:10:20.am. – It is a miserable day in New York.  The second winter storm, in as many days, has left the streets and sidewalks of the city covered in ice.  We were worried that the I-Man might have slipped and fallen, and we know that he doesn’t have a ‘Life Alert’ button.  He used to, but they stopped answering his calls.  And to be honest, if you saw the Old Cowboy on the ground, would YOU stop?

    OOPS!!  IT’S SLIPPERY OUT HERE!

    6:14:28a.m. – Michael Riedel is a dead man.  Apparently, Poindexter has sent The I-Man a nasty email about Rob.  Imus is outraged.  HE can tell Rob he sucks…because he’s family.  But not some beady-eyed little loser who wasn’t man enough to show up for the Hollywood and Vine Segment this week, because he had to do his Ethel Merman impression for all the boys at the ski-lodge.  How hard is it to be the Theater Critic for the New York Post?  All he had to do was show he had more of a working knowledge of Judy Garland than David Guest.  The guy who sprays the shoes in the bowling alley has to be more skillful at his job than ol’ Shelly Showtunes over here.  Michael obviously has a Napoleonic Complex…he’s not short but he IS cream filled.  And he suffers from penis envy.  If God was going to give humanity an enema, He’d stick the hose in Riedel.  And he’d probably enjoy it.  Nobody likes this Dickweed.  Except for Elaine Stritch.  Who is so old, her vibrator has a hand crank. 

    MICHAEL RIEDEL TRICK OR TREATING LAST HALLOWEEN ON SHUBERT ALLEY DRESSED AS JUSTIN BIEBER

    6:40:46 a.m. – Stuart Varney is on to discuss how much Obama sucks.  Join the club, Mr. President, join the club. 

    THE HOOVER BARACK 5000.  DOESN’T QUITE SUCK AS MUCH AS THE BRITISH MODEL,

    THE VARNEY ‘BIG SUCK’ DUSTMASTER

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The I-Man chastises Dagen for being mean to Imogen yesterday.  What did he THINK was going to happen?  That’s why you don’t let your poodle swim in a Shark Tank.  You don’t let your gerbil play with your pet python.  Unless you’re Riedel.

    “ARE YOU SURE YOU SWALLOWED MY KEYS?”  “OH THEY’RE IN THERE…KEEP LOOKING.”

    7:07:14 a.m. –  Syrians have opened a Fast Food restaurant in Detroit called ‘The Bomb’.  Yeah.  “I would like the Jihad Shake, the Fatwah Fries…and a Suicide Burger…obviously, that’s all to go.”

     THIS ISN’T THE UNIFORM FOR PEOPLE WORKING AT ‘THE BOMB’.

    IT’S THE PRIZE IN THE HAPPY  MEAL

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Just as the I-Man suggested, we took notes during ‘Blonde on Blonde’.  No. 1:  Turn the sound all the way down.

    DEIRDRE AND LIS IN THE GREENROOM KITCHEN.  YOU’D RATHER DRINK GTC CLEANING LIQUID THAN EAT THE ‘SNACKS’ DEIRDRE PREPARED FOR THE SUPER BOWL

    7:42:08 a.m. –  One of the topics being discussed is the revelation that Columbia and Barnard students made a feminist porno movie at the Columbia Library.  Columbia is Lis’ Alma Mater.  “What did you do when you went there?” Deirdre asks.  “How did you protest against anti-feminism?  Did YOU make a porn movie?”  Well, yes, in fact, she did.  75 years ago when she was a Junior.  It was called ‘Wiehl’s on Fire’.

    LIS ON THE SET OF HER COLUMBIA PORN MOVIE

    8:05:02 a.m. – We get a ‘Double Dose’ of Divas!   The Blondes are called back to the studio to discuss the breaking news that CVS is going to discontinue the sale of tobacco products.  This DELIGHTS Deirdre.  “It only took 40 years!”  We agree. It’s a great idea. Because it frees up shelf space for weed.

    “LEMME GET A LID OF PURPLE HAZE KUSH…A NICKEL BAG OF CALIFORNIA SKUNK, AND A PACK O’ LUCKIES…WHAT?  NO CIGARETTES?  OKAY, THEN MAKE IT A BAG OF CHEESE DOODLES AND A PINT OF CHERRY GARCIA.”

    8:17:34 a.m. – Geraldo Rivera is coming up and we all share some serious ‘Man-Love’ for him.  He’s grown a beard, and now resembles the ‘World’s Most Interesting Man’ in the Dos Equis Commercials.  Handsome, yes.  Interesting?  Not so fast.

    “I DON’T ALWAYS DRINK BEER. BUT WHEN I DO, I TAKE SELFIES OF ME SMOKING A CIGAR.”

    8:20:40 a.m. –  There are no pillows in Sochi.  You can’t flush the toilets.  There are stray dogs wandering the streets.  Sounds like a Carnival Cruise.  Except, instead of the stray dogs, it’s packs of wandering, smelly, fat tourists in Hawaiian Shirts. 

    THE LIFEGUARD “TOWER” BY THE POOL AT THE SOCHI FOUR SEASONS

    8:38:10 a.m. –  Geraldo Rivera is on to discuss O’Reilly’s interview among other things, including the hideous Woody Allen story.  Geraldo is still angry with the Woodman for not inviting him to his New Years’ Eve Party in 1972, which, the I-Man says, is no surprise, considering what Geraldo’s behavior was like in 1972…and Woody probably didn’t have enough interns to go around.  We can’t help ourselves from staring at Geraldo who is live, via satellite.  He does look ‘Extra Dreamy’ with the beard.  Good thing Riedel isn’t here.  He’d spontaneously combust. 

    YEAH, BABY.  THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT.  YOU CAN OPEN MY VAULT ANY DAY!

    9:06:12 a.m. – Bigfoot plays a tape of Don Felder’s appearance on Fox n’ Fiends yesterday, in which, he sang ‘Hotel California’.  Now we have a pretty good idea why the Eagles fired him.  When he gets to the part about, “…this could be heaven or this could be hell…” we’re pretty positive it’s the latter.  We are ready to sign the confession.  We don’t care to what…we just want it to stop. 

    FELDER WITH HIS LIPS WELDED SHUT.  JUST THE WAY WE LIKE HIM.

    9:11:22 a.m. – Deirdre emails the I-Man, and comments on how icy it is outside the Fox Studios…and offers to come back to help the Boss get to the car.  We guess she’s going to carry him, just like she did over the threshold on their wedding night. At least we THINK it’s a thoughtful gesture out of concern for his safety.  Or…she’s outside now spraying organic sunflower oil on the walkway.

    “WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING, DEIRDRE?  YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?”

     

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    WALKING IN THIS WINTER WONDERLAND…

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fbb3631ew_4

    Tuesday
    Feb042014

    Dancing on the Radio

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The Imus in the Morning Program is going to become the Roman Coliseum this morning.  Hollywood & Vine will most definitely be a Bloodsport.  Dagen McDowell is filling in for Michael Riedel, who is ‘Skiing’…will weigh in on Pop Culture stories with Imogen Lloyd Webber, the British Babe of Broadcasting, and Rob, the Comedy Caribou.  Somebody’s going down.  We think Riedel, because, isn’t that the point of skiing in the first place?  To go down?

    WHERE’S CLAUDINE LONGET WHEN YOU NEED HER?

    6:06:12 a.m. –  Gunz is subbing for Warner this morning, which means he will also have to serve as the Human Lie Detector.  His first test is to determine whether or not Rob is lying when he says he watched the Super Bowl at a Super Bowl Party.  Although he details the people who were at the party, and the dear friends whose house hosted the event, he cannot satisfactorily inform the I-Man what his ‘Dear Friend’ does for a living.  Apparently, he ‘Does something with computers’.  Which is the same thing Rob says when we try to call him on his story that he had lunch at Melinda and Bill Gates’ house.  All Rob cares is the dude has a job, because then he won’t be looking to borrow money.

    ROB’S NOT EXACTLY SURE WHAT KIND OF ‘COMPUTER DEAL’ HE DOES

    ( WE THINK HE RUNS A GERMAN RUBBER FETISH PORN SITE )

    6:40:46 a.m. – Linda Fairstein is on to discuss Dylan Farrow’s accusation about Woody Allen. The former DA gives us a clinic into how the process works. Linda isn’t sold on Dylan’s story, but she is quite  interested in how The I-Man convinced little Deirdre Coleman to get into the limo.

    “I HAVE CANDY…IT’S ORGANIC…”

    7:05:15 a.m. –  We get the depressing news that Starbucks will be opening after 7:00 AM this morning. For most people that’s early.  For the I-Man, it’s a personal affront, from which he will never recover.

    “DAMMIT!  IT’S 4:32 A.M.  WHEN THE HELL ARE THEY OPENING?”

    7:07:14 a.m. –  “Meghan needs to update the bios.”  Linda Fairstein’s husband died a few years ago.  Good thing the I-Man didn’t ask her what the old man is doing.  “Um…decomposing…”  To be fair, they do need to be edited.  Mary Higgins Clark’s bio has her being 37 years of age.

    “MARY LIVES IN WESTCHESTER WITH HER 11 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER, CAROL.”

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Hollywood & Vine.  Dagen goes after Imogen like a Pit Bull on a Rump Roast.  The claws come out before the mikes come on.  There’s blood in the water early.  There hasn’t been this much violence against a British Subject since Mike Tyson beat Frank Bruno like a red-headed mule.  Rob did not disappoint.  He sucked even worse than the previous 3 outings.  Riedel was the clear winner of this edition.  However, we expect Imogen will be skiing next Tuesday as well.

    DAGEN SHOULDN’T O’ DONE THAT

    8:05:02 a.m. – The I-Man and Rob have a friendly Heart to Heart.  Similar to the one that Lady Macbeth had with Duncan.  What?  You’ve never heard of Macbeth?  Maybe we should get Imogen back.  Okay.  Let’s change analogies.  The I-Man and Rob have a friendly heart to heart the same way Michael Corleone had with Carlo.  Except not quite as friendly. 

    “I KNOW IT WAS YOU WHO SUCKED ROB…DON’T SIT THERE AND TELL ME YOU DIDN’T.  DON’T INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE.”

    8:17:34 a.m. – After a brief discussion earlier this morning, we have an epiphany, a light bulb moment in which we realize that none of us really knows what our friends do for a living.  And yet, we know everything about Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus. We think they have something to do with computers.

    “WHOA.  IF YOU CLICK THIS…THE ARROW TURNS INTO A LITTLE SPINNING BEACH BALL.”

    8:38:37 a.m. – Bianca Marroquin and Amra Faye Wright, the two ladies who play Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly, respectively, in Chicago: The Musical on Broadway at the Ambassador Theater are here as Ambassadors for ‘Imus on Broadway’, an event which is coming up here on February 24th at the Hard Rock Café .  They perform one of the numbers from the show, ‘I Am My Own Best Friend.’, a dramatic duet…and then, after the break, they treat us to one of Bob Fosse’s classic numbers, ‘The Hot Honey Rag’.  Which…is a dance number.  Yes.  They are doing a dance number.  On the radio.  And, as Tony observes, it’s not even a ‘Tap’ number.  So we are treated to two and a half minutes of stomping and grunting to canned Jazz Music.  It’s great on TV, Bianca and Amra are both KILLER dancers.  But we can’t help but wonder how most of you, sitting in your cars on the way to work, thought ‘What the HELL is going on?’   Imus makes a decree that that will be the LAST Broadway Show to ever appear on the Program.  Even if Wyatt quits Rodeo and gets a gig as a Chorus Boy in ‘Pippin’.  Sadly, we think that will also put a damper on the chances of our having Magicians on the Program as well.  Sorry, Criss Angel.

    APPARENTLY, THIS MIME IS ‘TRAPPED IN A BOX’…A BOX THAT, UNFORTUNATELY, YOU CAN’T HEAR ON THE RADIO

    9:05:10 a.m. – Imus wants to know if we’ve faxed him our ‘Blonde on Blonde’ topics.  The last time we faxed anything, it was our Drivers’ Licenses to get out of a parking ticket.   “I know how quickly you wanted it,” Rob says, “So I put it in the mail this morning…you should have it by Friday, latest.”  “How come you didn’t Email it?” Imus demands.  “I did!” Rob counters…and the postage was a fortune because the laptop was so heavy.”

    THE DOCUMENT SHOULD BE IN THE I-MAN’S HANDS ONCE THE COURIER CHANGES HORSES A COUPLE OF TIMES…

     

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A GRAPHIC REPRESENTATION OF WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN DAGEN AND IMOGEN THIS MORNING.  WE HAD A HARD TIME FINDING A SUITABLE ANALOGY, AND THEN WE FOUND THIS, FROM THE WORLD OF NATURE.

    ?

    CLICK IF YOU DARE.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGDEnpCgGOI 

    IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT THE VICTIM, IN THIS CASE, WAS ALSO KNOWN TO WEAR THE SAME THING EVERY TIME IT APPEARED.

    (AND, TO BE HONEST.  SHE DON’T LOOK GOOD IN STRIPES) 

    Monday
    Feb032014

    Super Bowl Monday

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man is tired this morning, and, as one might expect, a little irritable.  Which is so out of character for him, yet it’s understandable…he has a lot on his mind:  Peyton Manning caved in like a Chilean Coal Mine, and Rob and Tony need him to plug their date at the Paramount Theater in Rutland, Vermont…heavy is the head that wears the crown. 

    “IT’S NOT WINNING THAT MAKES YOU A LOSER; IT’S NOT REFUSING NOT TO FAIL”

    6:06:12 a.m. –  Everybody has a Super Bowl hangover.  Most of us watched Seattle treat Denver like Rodney King.  The Broncos looked like they were going through a ‘Gang Initiation’.  The Seahawks did everything but take their earrings out and put Vaseline on their faces.  But as badly as Denver got beaten…they weren’t nearly as roughed up as Floyd Mayweather.  Who bet 10.4 Million Dollars on The Broncos to win.

    AND THIS IS JUST THE VIG…

    6:16:32 a.m. –  It’s the 55th Anniversary of ‘The Day The Music Died’, and the I-Man informs us that Waylon Jennings was supposed to have been on that fateful plane in Clear Lake Iowa with Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper and Richie Valens.  The saddest part of this story is that The Chili Peppers weren’t also on the flight, as they were part of Feb 2nd 2014, which will forever be known as the day the Broncos died. 

    “KEEP LOOKING, EARL, SEE IF YOU CAN FIND HIS GLASSES…”

    6:40:46 a.m. – It’s ‘Bo Monday’ and Mr. Dietl is providing his take on the Super Bowl Commercials.  He was touched by Budweiser’s spot: ‘The Puppy and the Clydesdale’.  Which sounds like a Lifetime Movie, starring Carol Higgins Clark.  

    “THE LOVE THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME” WE’D LIKE TO SEE HOW THESE TWO CONSUMMATE THEIR RELATIONSHIP

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Imus decries the idiocy of the traditional Pre Super Bowl interview with the President, this year, conducted by Bill O’Reilly, who went after Obama like Chris Christie at a Golden Corral All You Can Eat Buffet.   The I-Man doesn’t think that these interviews belong on a National Holiday like the Super Bowl.  Dagen reminds him that they are done every year.  Uh oh.  She shouldn’ta done that. 

    “IF YOU WERE A TREE, WHAT KIND WOULD YOU BE?”

    “EAT ME, O’REILLY”

    7:17:15 a.m. –  We learn that somebody is going to get cut from Hollywood & Vine.  It’s become Survivor.  Not the band that sang ‘Eye of the Tiger’, but the show where a bunch of dirty people get voted off a mosquito infested hell hole of an island.  Which…when you consider the consequences…is not that bad.  Hmmmmm…sleep on a tarp in a guano filled hole in the ground, or get a private jet back to the suite at the Hyatt on the Mainland…  Jump Ball.

    REIDEL, DAGEN, ROB AND IMOGEN: ONE WILL FALL

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Christopher ‘Mad Dog’ Russo is on to discuss Benghazi.  Not really.  Although he might as well have.  He would’ve made about as much sense.  He was ‘Talkin’ Super Bowl’, pinpointing the critical moments of the game which were 1-The Seahawks scored.  A lot.  2-  The Broncos didn’t.  This insightful observation is what has made him one of the premiere voices in sports news.  You won’t get that kind of analysis on ESPN.

    RUSSO WITH HIS TWIN BROTHER, ‘ALF’

    8:05:02 a.m. – Imus says that the biggest disappointment of last evening’s Super Bowl as that the Red Hot Chili Peppers, DIDN’T come out with their shirts on.  Unfortunately, Mad Dog didn’t either.

    “GIVEITAWAYGIVEITAWAYGIVEITAWAY, MIKEY!”

    8:06:12 a.m. – We see footage of Joe Namath during the Coin Toss at the game last night, as apparently, he’s getting some heat from PETA for wearing the fur coat he was sporting.  It’s not that he doesn’t believe that ‘Meat is Murder’, he just wanted to wear something that would match the thing he was wearing on his head when he was chowing down on a big hairy steak after the game.

    “HEY!  HEADS I GET PAINT THROWN AT ME, TAILS I GET A NASTY EMAIL FROM THOSE WACKJOB ANIMAL LOVERS…”

    8:17:34 a.m. – The I-Man has been trying to get ahold of Linda Fairstein, former Sex Crimes Unit D.A., to have her weigh in on the Woody Allen allegations.  Somehow, he cannot get an answer from her, or her agent, Esther, “Lobster” Newberg, who is probably sleeping off a Wine Hangover.  He has decided he will ban Linda from ever appearing on the program again to “Promote one of her dopey books.”  Dagen reports that Ms. Fairstein is in St. Bart’s, and is probably out of cell phone range.  Of course, it’s all her fault for taking vacation when Woody Allen’s step daughter decided to write a ‘Tell All’ letter to the New York Times.

    LINDA IN ST. BARTS.  SHE DIDN’T EXPECT TO HAVE TO WEIGH IN ON AN ALLEGED CHILD MOLESTATION CASE WHILE SHE WAS ON VACATION

    8:25:50 a.m. – Connell reports the most depressing news of the morning:  Apparently, Floyd Mayweather has taken to Instagram to inform everyone that he did NOT, in fact, bet 10.4 Million dollars on the Broncos winning the Super Bowl.  This is extremely troubling to us, because, in addition to sucking out what little joy we were all able to experience from last night’s Boring game, lackluster commercials, and decent weather, he’s now destroyed our hopes that at least ONE person suffered more than Peyton Manning.  The I-Man IS however, impressed with Floyd Mayweather’s use of Instagram to dispel the rumors.  Of course, Floyd Mayweather is 36 years old, and all the kids these days are using Instagram. 

    OKAY, FLOYD.  NOW POST A PICTURE OF YOUR PENIS

    8:38:37 a.m. – Lori Rothman is on to provide her perspective on business stories of the day, but I-Man tries to get her to weigh in on the Woody Allen situation, which she deflects by telling us what she ate at the Super Bowl party she attended:  (Chicken Wings, Pepperoni Pizza, Sangria), which, if she is telling the truth, means that she consumed four times her body weight in snacks.

    LORI ROTHMAN’S PROTEIN RICH DIET HAS GIVEN HER SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH WHICH ALLOWS HER TO HOIST TONY OVER HER HEAD (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    9:05:10 a.m. –  Warner seems to be the only one of us who actually enjoyed the Super Bowl commercials, (“That dawg with the horse?  Come Awn! That was adorable!  The Coca Cola commercial where the kid ran out of the stadium through the town?  The Pig getting his driver’s license photo?”)  It’s clear that Warner opened the wine early yesterday.

    BY KICKOFF, WARNER HAD ALREADY TAPPED THE SECOND BOX OF ‘DELICIOUS RED’             ONE OF HIS FAVORITE VINTAGES. 

    (FROM THE SAME VINEYARD THAT GAVE YOU ‘PASSABLE WHITE’, ‘MEDIOCRE SANGRIA’ AND ‘BARELY DRINKABLE ROSE’ ” )

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    NOW THAT YOU KNOW WARNER’S FAVORITE SUPER BOWL COMMERCIALS, WE OFFER SOME OF OUR MOST FAVORITE OF ALL TIME:

     

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/31/banned-super-bowl-commercials_n_4699670.html

    Friday
    Jan312014

    Super Bowl!

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man reveals that Kevin Magee asked him to call, and when he did, Kevin…TOLD THE BOSS EVERYTHING.   Of course, Imus won’t tell us what ‘EVERYTHING’ is…which is one of the reasons why Kevin trusted him enough to tell him EVERYTHING.  We’ve been trying to decipher his body language and subliminal vocal clues…and we think that the I-Man now knows the truth about Area 51, the Kennedy Assassination, the location of the Lindbergh Baby, and the formula for Coca Cola.

    THIS ISN’T ONE OF THE ALIENS FROM AREA 51…

    IT’S JUST THE I-MAN GETTING A CHIROPRACTIC TREATMENT

    6:06:12 a.m. –  Imus asks us:  “Who is Rodney Atkins?”  None of us, other than Dagen, really knows, all we know is that there’s a huge Tractor Trailer and two Busses outside the Fox n’ Fiends studios with his picture all over them.  Apparently, he’s a country singer, one of those Mediocre Baseball Cap Wearing dudes who the I-Man would never have on HIS program.

    WHO ARE YOU?  WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?  AND WHY SHOULD WE CARE?

    6:16:32 a.m. –  Imus asks Dagen what the deal is with her Red dress this morning. She corrects him, saying that it’s ‘Hot Pink’, but that it’s so tight, she can’t feel her feet.  Like that’s a bad thing.  Dagen is what you call a ‘Snappy Lookin’ Dish’, and the dress is perfect, in our humble opinion.  We be lovin’ lookin’ at a girl and being able to tell what she had for breakfast…and not because she’s got maple syrup spilled on her dress…

    OH, WE’LL GIVE YOU THE BUSINESS, GIRL

    (BTW-OATMEAL AND BLUEBERRIES…RED BULL)

    6:18:34 a.m. – Imus notes that his custom shirts and earphones have his name in them. He wants us to think it’s because he’s so cool…but it’s really because when people find him wandering off somewhere, they will know where to return him.

    HEY!  OLD TIMER!  IS THIS SHIRT YOURS?  HEY!  HEY!  GUESS YOU’RE DEAF, BECAUSE YOUR NAME IS ALSO ON THESE EARPIECES…

    6:20:40 a.m. – The I-Man doesn’t understand the football term ‘Duck’.  Which only makes us want to throw a football at his head even more.  A ‘duck’ is a wobbly, throw by a quarterback.  Which will hurt just as much as a spiral when aimed at an un-helmeted head. 

    THAT’S GONNA LEAVE A BRUISE

    6:40:46 a.m. – Anna Gristina, the Million Dollar Madam and the I-Man can both keep their mouths shut, which, coincidentally, are both good things for Kevin Magee.  They have a lot in common, do the I-Man and Ms. Gristina:  They both have to talk to people sometimes who they hate, and they both have exchanged money with prostitutes.

    HEY GRAMPA…FOR AN EXTRA TWENTY BUCKS I’LL LET YOU KEEP YOUR COWBOY HAT ON…

    6:50:10 a.m. – The I-Man says that he didn’t do well interviewing The Madam. Of course, the last time he was talking to a Madam, he was placing an order, we think you did GREAT, Boss!

    “SO UM…WHEN DO I PAY HER?”

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Rob is informed that Dagen is going to be added to ‘Hollywood & Vine’ this Tuesday.  The humiliation continues…he will have to sit between a woman who was born with a Silver Bug up her butt, and a woman for whom indoor plumbing was last year’s Christmas Present.

    DAGEN AND IMOGEN.  SET YOUR DVRS NOW.

    7:20:40 a.m. –  The Boss talks about the Rolling Stone list of the 25 Worst SuperBowl Half Time Shows of all time.  Warner thinks he’s talking about the actual games… ‘Dallas 52, Buffalo 17!’  Although, that year, Michael Jackson was the Entertainment.  Unfortunately, his hair didn’t go up in flames like Buffalo’s Defense

    “GERMAINE!  GET SOME WATER!  STOP TEASING…I’M ON FIRE!!”

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Vinnie from Queens The I-Man has come up with his panel rankings.  They are as follows.  Lou is number one. Tony is number two.  Gunz is three, Warner if Four.  Connell didn’t make the cut. But Rob is five because he sucks.  Even though he’s not part of Vinnie from Queens.

    VFQ SCORECARD:  WHERE’S CONNELL?

    8:05:02 a.m. – “What are you wearing, Baby?”  The I-Man asks Lis Wiehl…who has phoned in to comment on the Amanda Knox Murder Case.  Lis is great, funny, smart…and remarkably at ease…maybe it’s because she doesn’t have Deirdre sitting next to her, screaming ‘Babykiller!’ at the top of her lungs.

    WHAT ARE YOU WEARING, BABY? BESIDES THAT ‘COME-HITHER’ SMILE?

    8:17:34 a.m. – Dagen is preparing for her shot at Hollywood & Vine next week.  She’s compiling a whole bunch of ‘Thin, Attractive, Privileged, British Chick’ Jokes.

    “SKINNY SPICE”

    8:38:37 a.m. – SPECIAL TREAT!!!  ‘VINNIE FROM QUEENS PART DEUX!’  The boys are so good that the I-Man has brought them back, this time, to actually take calls from the mouthbreathers who inspired the title of the segment, ‘Vinnie From Queens’.  After the third call, we all thank The Baby Jesus that we don’t actually have to do a call in sports show every day.  First time?  Last time.

    “JOHNNY UNITAS WORE HIGH TOPS BECAUSE THOSE WERE THE SHOES THAT BEFIT TRUE FOOTBALL ROYALTY!...ARE YOU THERE?  DID YOU HANG UP?”

    9:03:10 a.m. – During the break, the I-man talks to Tony and Dagen about Strip Clubs.  Apparently, he’s never been to one.  We guess he was too busy snorting coke off the breasts of the 5 Grand a night Call Girls back in the day.  Dagen explains the term ‘Making it Rain’.  Which Dr. Bill offers to do for Dagen as soon as he can possibly get to his microphone to do his Weather Report.

    IT’S RAINING MEN.  BENJAMINS, IN FACT.

     DR. BILL SAYS ‘BRING YOUR RAIN GEAR’.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    ACCORDING TO ROB SHEFFIELD OF ROLLING STONE,

     ONE OF THE TOP 5 SUPERBOWL HALF TIME SHOWS EVER

    AEROSMITH, BRITNEY SPEARS, N’SYNC , MARY J BLIGE & NELLY

    Thursday
    Jan302014

    I-Therapy

    6:05:10 a.m. –   Deirdre was on with Neil Cavuto yesterday, and the I-Man maintains it was the best 10 minutes of Television EVER.  Apparently, The D-Woman was guesting on N.C.’s show to share her organic, healthy, SuperBowl recipes.  He prepares for her appearance by having a desk piled with chicken wings, Doritos, Lays Potato Chips and Pizza…of which the Crew liberally partakes during the interview.

    THE CAVUTO CREW CHOWS DOWN ON SOME ‘ORGANIC’ SUPER BOWL TREATS

    6:06:12 a.m. –  We’re having the Million Dollar Madam on to discuss ‘Where the Hookers At?’   Apparently, there is an influx of ‘Quality’ Prostitutes in town to service the tourists in to see the Super Bowl.  Conversely, Fox and Friends have the Budweiser Clydesdales.  Who resemble the kinds of Hookers we normally have in New York when it’s not Super Bowl week.  Okay, we’re exaggerating.  They are a little bit more attractive, but they WILL pull a wagon. 

    THIS IS WHAT WE USUALLY GET

    6:16:32 a.m. –  Connell reads a story about Justin Bieber turning himself into the authorities in Toronto, for an assault he allegedly committed against a limo driver.  The I-Man sums the episode up in his usual, brilliant, pithy and amusing style… “The headline here is that they arrested Justin Bieber and not the mayor.”

    BABY BABY BABY…WHAT?

    6:42:46 a.m. – The Million Dollar Madam fails to phone in.  Ironically, it’s not the first time the I-Man has had to wait for a Hooker who didn’t show up.  Not to mention all the working girls whose position was… “I don’t care HOW rich he is…I’m not letting that on top of me.”

    “HELLO, DIAMOND ESCORTS?  Y’ALL GOT ANY MIDGETS WITH BIG A** T******?”

    7:01:15 a.m. –  The Boss is disappointed about the missing guest.  He had all these great questions he wanted answers for.  Like why does New York have to import Hookers from other cities?  He’s so distraught, he asks Dr. Bill who he uses when he gets Escorts.  Dr. Bill says he usually just goes to Weather Man Night Spot, the ‘Isobar’…where he picks up the first chick who looks like Sam Champion.

    ‘SAM’ANTHA CHAMPION

    7:05:10 a.m. –  Headline.  Front Page of the New York Times:  “Afghanistan Can’t Be Trusted”.  Really?  A bunch of Goat Herders supplementing their incomes with opium sales are not honorable? 

    “MY FRIEND.  DO YOU NOT WANT SOME GOAT CHEESE?  SOME REALLY PURE…PRIMO…GOAT CHEESE.  THE FINEST GOAT CHEESE THAT HAS NOT YET BEEN STEPPED ON?”

    7:38:16 a.m. –  The Mensa Meeting.  The geniuses discuss condoms in jail.  Nothing says ‘I Love You’ more than a convict who doesn’t want to make you pregnant.

    “CONDOMS?  WE DON’T NEED NO CONDOMS!  WE DON’T NEED NO STEENKING CONDOMS!”

    8:05:02 a.m. – Mike Breen commenting on last night’s Miami Heat/Oklahoma Thunder Showdown, characterizes Kevin Durant’s Hot Shooting Hand:  “He’s in the groove…the zone...whatever word you want to use.”  The I-Man gets angry with Breen… “WE have to come up with the word?  Why are we doing YOUR job?”

    MIKE BREEN.  CLEARLY, BACK ON THE CRACK AGAIN

    8:06:12 a.m. –  The I-Man reinstates Rob to the ‘Hollywood & Vine’ segment, messing with his head…so we have an impromptu I-Therapy session.  No drugs…no solutions…and, surprisingly, no suicides.  Although the show isn’t quite over just yet.  Shortly after the segment, Rob & Tony use a melon baller to give themselves lobotomies.

    “WHAT WE’RE TRYING TO SAY, NURSE IMUS…IS THAT WE THINK YOU’RE BEING A BIT UNREASONABLE…”

    8:11:22 a.m. – Wyatt emails his father “Leave Rob Alone…and, by the way, you look puffy again.”  The Wy-Man better be careful…the I-Man’s dementia hasn’t gotten to the point just yet where he can’t make changes to the Will.

    “AND TO MY ONLY SON, WYATT…I LEAVE TWO PAIRS OF MY NON-HETEROSEXUAL COLORED RUNNING SHOES…NOW WHO’S PUFFY, SMARTASS?”

    8:40:10 a.m. – We try some of Deirdre’s Jalapeno Jelly, Organic Cheddar and Gluten Free Cracker canapés.  These are the only ‘crackers’ Tony actually likes.  Deirdre then goes on to suggest that Chicken Wings are a gateway to Heroin. She reveals the rest of the Imus Household’s Super Bowl menu.  Mini Organic Spinach pies, Organic Mac and Soy Cheese with Yeast Parmesan sprinkled over the top, (Which Imus says looks and tastes like sawdust)  and Lemon Water with chia seeds.  We’d rather eat the box the crackers came in.

    ORGANIC VEGAN CHICKEN WINGS.  EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE TO EAT THEM WITH A SPOON OR A STRAW, YOU’D NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEM OR HOOTERS. THAT IS, ONLY IF YOU RECENTLY HAD A MASSIVE HEAD INJURY WHICH MADE YOU LOSE YOUR SENSE OF TASTE AND SMELL

    9:05:14 a.m. – Dwight Yoakam sends the I-Man a text.  He wants to send Imus a couple of jars of real parmesan cheese.  Sounds like he wants to get back on the program.  Well then, he’d better cough up some cash, because a couple shakers full of Reggiano ain’t gonna do it.

    AT LEAST HE DOESN’T SLEEP IN A COFFIN FILLED WITH DIRT…LIKE THE I-MAN

    9:0918 a.m. –  Warner reveals that he has, in fact, been on a cruise.  It was a WABC cruise where all he had to do was give a couple of lectures during the voyage and was able to bring his whole family along to Alaska.  The I-Man is outraged.  “An ABC Cruise? Nobody told us! You mean, I could’ve done a little ‘Reverend Hargus’ and gotten a free Cruise out of the deal?”  We don’t think you’d get past the first Midnight Buffet I-Man.  All those years of comestible denial will have you have a breakdown where you shower in the chocolate fountain on the Viennese Table.

    THAT ICE SCULPTURE IS A VIRTUAL RECREATION OF THE I-MAN’S PENIS.  (LIFE SIZE)

    9:11:22 a.m. –  Connell reads a story about a McDonald’s in Pittsburgh that was dealing Heroin through Happy Meals.  Jesus!  Deirdre was RIGHT!!!

    “YO MAN…I THOUGHT THEM FRIES WAS ADDICTIVE…BUT THAT AIN’T NOTHIN’ LIKE THESE SMACKNUGGETS.  NOW I KNOW WHY YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND THE GRIMACE.  THAT DUDE IS HIIIIIIIIIGH!”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    HERE’S A GUY WHO DOES THINGS WITH CHEESE A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY THAN DEIRDRE.  BUT THIS IS WHAT THE REST OF US WILL BE SERVING AT OUR SUPER BOWL PARTIES. 

    WE CALL IT ‘SUPERBOWL SURPRISE’

    WATCH HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN AT HOME!

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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yhvA5DGRbg