6:05:10 – The I-Man is disappointed that Thanksgiving was a mild, calm day, which allowed the parade to employ the balloons. Millions of little children were not horribly disappointed and disillusioned…which virtually ruined Imus’ Thanksgiving. The Tofurkey would’ve been enough for us.
FORTUNATELY, FOR THE LITTLE CHILDRENS, THE ‘ROB’ BALLOON WAS ABLE TO MAKE IT DOWN BROADWAY
6:06:12 – Today is the 42nd Anniversary of the I-Man’s first day on the air on WNNNNNNN BC Radio in 1971. It was a Thursday. Which meant he worked two days then took off two days. A schedule he would maintain throughout the 70’s and most of the 80’s.
6:17:34 – Warner went 7-4-1 this weekend. He is now officially one game ahead going into tonight. If there is a God, Imus will be able to convince America’s Sportscaster to bet EVERYTHING on Monday Night Football…when he picks New Orleans plus five points.
“WHO DAT? NO, REALLY, WHO DAT WHO PICKED US?”
6:25:05 – Bernie Briefing. Bernard plays a clip of Jon Stewart’s take on the Soccer Stadium that looks like…well, not to use too technical a term…a woman’s Hoo Hoo. We, too, see the resemblance and are thinking that Madonna was the model for the structure…as her vagina has also had 50 thousand soccer fans in it.
ONCE A MONTH, THEY HAVE TO CLOSE FOR ‘RENOVATIONS’
6:40:46 – An uncharacteristically poignant Bo Dietl comes ‘Out of the Anger Closet’, revealing that he has admitted to himself that he has ‘issues’ with his ire. He says he went to an A.A. Meeting where he had an emotional epiphany…and then pistol whipped a couple of the drunks because they were ‘Annoyitating’.
“HI, I’M BO…AND I’M A RAGE-A-HOLIC…HEY! DAMMIT! WHERE’S THE F^%$ING COFFEE? I THOUGHT THERE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FREE COFFEE HERE! DO I HAVE TO SMACKITATE SOMEBODY IN THEIR SACKIZATION?”
7:05:15 – Carley’s boyfriend Pete feels proud that Michigan ‘Almost’ beat Ohio State. Almost? Pretty insightful, Pete. Bill Buckner ‘Almost’ caught that ball. Mike Tyson ‘Almost’ beat Buster Douglas. How’d it work out for them?
“I’M ALMOST CONSCIOUS…I’M ALMOST CONSCIOUS…”
7:17:15 – Connell reports that the price for all the ‘Gifts’ in the ’12 Days of Christmas’ are on the rise. The price of 10 Lords a Leaping alone has increased by 17 percent. So has, apparently, the ‘9 Ladies Dancing’. We noticed it ourselves the last time we were at Flashdancers. None of them want to break a ‘20’ any more.
YOU CAN’T EVEN GET NEAR THE ‘CHAMPAGNE ROOM’ WITHOUT A FISTFULL OF THE NEW BENJAMINS.
7:38:16 – Bill O’Reilly is on. And he got on…ON TIME. This unusual circumstance has a lot to do with the fact that Imus likes Bill, although he’s not sure why. We think it may have something to do with ‘Man Crush Monday’. Bill’s working on a new book…well, Martin Dugard is writing a new book for him. He says it’s ‘About World War Two stuff.” We assume it’s going to be entitled “Killing Mussolini”.
IL DUCE: HE MAY HAVE HAD ‘ANGER ISSUES’, BUT HE DID MAKE THE TRAINS RUN ON TIME.
8:01:02 – The i-Man says he wants to buy one of the new ‘Rolls Royce Wraiths’. They are on backorder, apparently…and are not expected to be available until mid 2014. It’s possible that the first time he ‘Rolls’ it will be in a car that is covered in ‘Wreaths’.
AIN’T NO LUGGAGE RACK ON THIS PUPPY
8:05:12 – Happy Birthday to Hannah Lupica. At least we THINK today is her birthday. According to the I-Man, little Hannah tends to make her birthday into ‘Mardi Gras’…a multi-day event with drunken people dressed up in colorful costumes. Which she is used to, having watched her father work at the Circus Sideshow for all these years.
“UM…DAD…ARE THOSE MY SNEAKERS?”
8:07:12 – Dagen reports on Amazon’s plans to provide same day delivery of packages using pilotless drones. So Imus can receive all his impulse buys within a half hour of clicking ‘Send’. There will be so many of those things hovering over his Central Park West Penthouse, people will think giant 7 Year Locusts are attacking.
“HEY! IS THAT MY DIRTY TALKING ‘TED’ BEAR?”
8:18:36 – The Boss reminisces about his first day on the air at WNNNNNNNN…B C. He says he came into town after only doing radio for two years, with absolutely NO plan whatsoever, other than he wanted to run John Gambling out of town. It only took 42 years. Initially he thought he was going to retire when he was 40…but then realized he wanted to wait until ALL the Gamblings…were dead.
HE WAS NO MATCH FOR THE PALMDALE, CALIFORNIA UPSTART WHO STARTED TALKING ABOUT ‘JESUS’ FROM DAY ONE.
8:40:08 – Jenna Lee is on…and IN STUDIO!!!! We have to hose down a few of the crew members…we, on the other hand, worship her in silence. We have seen her husband, Navy SEAL Leif Babin. And this is not a man who we wish to irritate in ANY way, shape or form. He knows 37 separate ways to kill a man with a paper clip. So we will be avoiding going to Staples as well…just to be safe.
HE’S SMILING NOW…AND WE WANT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY
9:00:18 – The I-Man announces that Lis Wiehl will be returning to ‘Blonde on Blonde’ this week, after a three week hiatus, that she says, was due to a ‘knee injury’ but he maintains was so she could ‘Get some work done.’ We have obtained a ‘Before and After’ shot…and we could not disagree more.
LIS WIEHL: BEFORE (L) AND AFTER (R)
9:15:30 – Warner sent the I-Man an email over the weekend, and it was observed that he only uses Capital Letters. When asked why he writes this way, he answers that his wife told him that it made him look like a little kid. Using lower case isn’t what’s making him look like a little kid. It’s the fact that he’s 4 feet tall.
THE LOWER CASE IS NOT BECAUSE HE’S e.e.cummings
VIDEO OF THE DAY
HAPPY 42ND ANNIVERSARY, I-MAN! WE ALL CHIPPED IN
AND GOT YOU THIS: