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-Wednesday, April 23-0 Comments
-Wednesday, April 23-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man happily reports that this past Monday’s ‘Might Be Elvis’ was the highest rated hour of THE ENTIRE BROADCAST DAY. Rob claims that he is responsibl ...
-Tuesday, April 22-0 Comments
-Tuesday, April 22-0 Comments
5:55:10 a.m. – My Pillow Michael Lindell is here, back in the Green Room with us, awaiting his appearance on the program this morning. He drove straight through from Philadelphia at 3 A.M. ...
-Monday, April 21-0 Comments
-Monday, April 21-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – In honor of Queen Elizabeth’s 88 TH Birthday, the I-Man has decided to wear his hair like her. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN 6:07:24 a.m. – Warner reports that Masai ...

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    Monday
    Mar042013

    The Gunz Report

    6:05:00 a.m. – Gunz is filling in for Bernard this morning, who is home sick.  So the “Bernie Briefing” will now be “The Gunz Report”…as in: “a sharp explosive sound (especially the sound of a gun firing)”  This is a great opportunity for the young, ambitious, broadcasting ‘up n’ comer’…and so we are somewhat suspicious that we may have an ‘All About Eve’ situation here.  Where the Understudy uses Machiavellian techniques to create a scenario in which he or she can shine.  We wonder if Gunz provided Bernie with a Flu-Laden cup of coffee last week.  In sports, it would be akin to the tale of ‘Wally Pipp’, who was a Yankee First Baseman, who showed up to the stadium one afternoon with a headache and was replaced by a rookie known as ‘Lou Gehrig.’   Who is Wally Pipp, you ask?  Exactly.  

    IF HE’D JUST TAKEN AN ASPIRIN, HE’D BE IN THE HALL O’ FAME TODAY

    6:07:17 a.m. –   We learn that Dagen did not watch her husband ‘Rollo’, (Not his real name) on the very fine Bulls n’ Bears program on Fox Business this weekend.  When we press her on the subject back in the Green Room, she says, “What’s the big deal?  I’m on the TeeVee every damn mornin’.   He doesn’t watch me. Because the Imus show is on opposite cartoons.

    “ROLLO” WOULD RATHER PLAY WII… THAN WATCH HIS WIFE ON THE TV

    6:08:27 a.m. –  Connell does a story about the baby born with HIV who was, apparently, cured of the disease…causing the I-Man to note:  “Don’t want no Junkie Babies…baby.”  He stops short of giving Blind Mississippi White Boy Pig Feets Dupris the order to write a Blues song with that title, which is good, because it would be difficult to find rhymes for ‘AIDS’. 

    ‘FEETS’ IN THE STUDIO

    6:37:12 a.m. –  It’s ‘Bo Monday’, and “The Dietl” doesn’t disappoint.  He references the ‘Se-question’.   To which, apparently, he has ‘Se-Answer’.  He also wants to know if Imus and Connell, ‘Play Twitter’…as if it was a video game.  It’s not, and we know that for a fact, as if it were, ‘Rollo’ would be playing it in the morning instead of watching Dagen.

     

    7:02:44 a.m. –   There seems to be a little bit of tension between Dagen and Warner. Warner takes exception to ESPN treating the Dennis Rodman/Kim Jon Un thing as a ‘Sports Story’.  Dagen suggests that because Rodman went over to North Korea with the Harlem Globetrotters it sort of IS a Sports Story.  Warner sneers dismissively.  We want to warn Warner.  You do NOT want to get into it with Dagen.  Or we will be ‘Going to the Videotape’ as ‘Exhibit A’ in the Assault trial.  The videotape where you get your testicles handed to you. 

    GREGORY HINES WASN’T A EUNUCH UNTIL HE MET DAGEN

    7:07:16 a.m. –   Dagen and Imus argue about Danica Patrick, who, the I-Man maintains, “Doesn’t believe she can win.”  Unfortunately, in this argument it is DAGEN who can’t win…despite the fact that she believes she can.  The Boss turns off her microphone…which he says ‘Rollo’ wishes he could do. 

    SOON TO BE INSTALLED IN THE MCDOWELL APARTMENT

    7:37:59 a.m. –   Michael Riedel is on…star of the NBC smash… ‘Smash’.   Um…well, he’s not exactly the ‘Star’…then again, it’s not exactly a ‘Smash’ either.  So, it’s pretty much, a wash.

    MICHAEL REIDEL PORTRAYING A VISCIOUS, SNARKY THEATER COLUMNIST.  REALLY STRETCHING HIS ACTING MUSCLE

    8:05:18 a.m. –    Imus promotes the upcoming appearance of Fox News’ Bret Baier…and that he believes the man’s News Reporting is not biased at all, despite what the MSNBC, NBC, CBS, ABC and Al Jazeera junkies would maintain.   The I-Man does say, however, that although it could be possible that Mr. Baier was ‘Rockin’ a sheet somewhere’, it doesn’t affect his professional objectivity. 

    BRETT BAIER: “SORRY I’M LATE FOR THE MEETING, FELLAS!”

    8:16:23 a.m. –   Gunz, who has been in for Bernard all morning, obviously was taken by surprise when informed that he would be on camera for four ‘Briefings’ this morning…which explains why he is allowing himself to be shot wearing a shirt that looks as if it came from Howdy Doody’s Garage Sale, and sporting a haircut that he obviously had done during a power surge.  Dagen, normally a fan of Gunz’, says that not even SHE wouldn’t ‘Hit That’. 

    GUNZ HAS BEEN DOING A GREAT JOB ALL MORNING…BUT HE AIN’T ‘MAKIN’ IT MOVE’ FOR DAGEN

    8:37:45 a.m. –  Bret Baier says he “Just got off the Red Eye.”   Sleep-Deprived is not the way to start your week off when you have an on-air interview with the I-Man. 

    BRET?  HELLO?  BRET?  BRET!!  WAKE UP!!!!

    9:05:13 a.m. -    Connell has video of a new crimefighter in London…a British Man who is dispensing Vigilante Justice dressed…as Batman.   Problem is, he doesn’t exactly have a ‘Caped Crusader’ kind of body…

    HOLY SALAD BAR, BATMAN!

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY:

    IN HONOR OF GUNZ WE OFFER THIS CELEBRATION OF

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-a11bCcAMk

    THE BAD HAIRCUT

    Thursday
    Feb282013

    Happy Birthday, Diane Macedo!

    6:05:00 a.m.  – The I-Man visited Dr. Peekaboo Woo yesterday to have his vocal cord lasered again, and as a result, his voice sounds like a cross between Gollum from Lord of the Rings, and one of the Brady Bunch boys in the middle of puberty.  Which, is actually appropriate, in that, Imus has always maintained that, he is, at heart, a man with the maturity of ‘A 14 year Old Boy.’  He is in terrible pain, and if it weren’t for the fact that Emmylou Harris and Rodney Crowell are here to sing this morning, he would have stayed home.  As J.R.R. Tolkien said: “Courage is found in unlikely faces.”  Of course, this came from an Opium smoking wackjob who wrote about a magical world where furry-footed dwarves hiked a mountain to retrieve a piece of jewelry from the devil.

    “NA NA NA NA NAAAA…ARE YOUR PEACHES FUZZY…PRECIOUS?”

    6:07:17 a.m.  –   It’s the last day of February, and the last on the job for Pope Benedict the 16th.  Tomorrow will be a day of new beginnings, as evidenced by the I-Man’s epiphany this morning.  While attempting to speak to Emmylou Harris and Rodney Crowell at their sound check in the studio this morning, he got the feeling that “…they don’t want to talk to me.”   This heightened perception and self-awareness is surely a sign that the Age of Aquarius is upon us.   Or maybe the Vicodin just took to take the edge off the pain from his lasered vocal cord.

    EMMYLOU & RODNEY:  THEY’VE ALREADY STOPPED LISTENING

    6:09:16 a.m. –  Imus reports that Van Cliburn has died.  He tells Lou to find a copy of Tchaikovsky’s Piano Concerto No. 1.   Lou complies…although the I-Man is not happy, as he wanted the ‘Single’ version, and not the ‘Album cut’.

    WHEN YOU PLAY HIS VERSION OF THE TCHAIKOVSKY PIECE BACKWARDS, YOU HEAR A STRANGE, DISEMBODIED VOICE SAYING  “LEONARD BERNSTEIN IS A DEAD MAN…LEONARD BERNSTEIN IS A DEAD MAN…”

    6:11:27 a.m. –  The I-Man wishes Diane Macedo Happy Birthday.  She is 17 today.  Diane, who you remember was lead singer of ‘Tribeca Rhythm’, the Wedding Band that won the Imus in the Morning Battle of the Bands a few years ago, is getting married herself in London.  She mistakes Imus’ inquiring about the event for an actual desire on his part to attend.  She seems somewhat disappointed to find out that he would rather jam a glass rod up his urethra and smack himself in the crotch with a ball peen hammer than fly over to England to take part in the celebration of her nuptials.  She was hoping to cut the rug with him on the dance floor during ‘The Electric Slide’. 

    SURPRISINGLY, THE I-MAN WILL NOT BE PARTICIPATING IN ‘THE CHICKEN DANCE’ AT DIANE’S WEDDING

    6:27:12 a.m. –  In horrible pain, the I-Man is considering taking ‘Half’ a Vicodin, which, for those of you who remember, was not quite the tolerance level Imus had built up for the Opiod in the late 70’s / early 80’s. “Back in the day I would’ve taken three of the ES Vicodin…and some vodka.” 

    IMUS ‘BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS’ (CIR. 1978)

    And then, of course, like a 70’s sitcom, hilarity would ensue.  Now, as a man in recovery and with total clarity, he is able to observe that the glass anchor desk at which he sits every morning, would’ve been ‘Great for Cocaine’.

    THE PHOTO MAY APPEAR FUZZY TO YOU, BUT TRUST US, IT’S NOT THE PHOTO.

    6:37:12 a.m. –  KT McFarland is the guest, distinguished by her status as the only woman on our roster who, at one time, had all the launch codes to the Armageddon Nuclear ‘Football’. Every time she is on, Imus presses her to reveal something about her close relationship with Henry Kissinger, suggesting that, perhaps, there was some Hot, Sticky, ‘Detante’ going on.  She vehemently denies there was anything that could ever be considered ‘untoward’ with the former Secretary of State, which, of course, means…she DEFINITELY hit that.   

    “LET’S PLAY ‘SALT’ TREATY…I’LL HIDE MY MISSLE IN YOUR SILO.”

    7:02:44 a.m. –  The I-Man shows off his new ‘Rocket Buster’ Boots.  When he called to order them, and tells the salesperson that he wears a size 11, she informs him that ‘Normally these are WOMEN’S boots.’  Really?  You don’t have any Bronco Busters looking to purchase flowered, bone colored, mid-calf footwear that looks like it should come with a baton and marching band?   We only know of one other cowboy who would wear these…and he sings with The Village People.

    WHAT THE 17 YEAR OLD ‘IN THE KNOW’ DRUM MAJORETTE IS SPORTING ON HER FEET THIS SEASON…(AND, OF COURSE, THE I-MAN)

    7:37:59 a.m. –   The 3rd Edition of the Mensa Meeting commences with Guest Bo Dietl, who charges Deirdre with Husband abuse:  “Look at him, you’ve been feeding him Yak Sperm…see what it did for him?”

    BO DIETL.  IF HE OFFERS YOU A MILKSHAKE…DON’T DRINK IT

    8:15:18 a.m. – Warner reports about Golden State Warrior Point Guard, Stephen Curry’s, amazing 54 point night.   Warner says Curry ‘Could not miss.’  Imus asks: “What did he shoot?”  Warner responds, “18 for 28.”   “So…then he COULD miss, Warner.”   Yes.  Approximately 35% of the time.   Curry was ‘On Fire’…but not actually “In flames”, as the Sprinklers going off would have delayed the game.

    STOP, DROP AND ROLL! 

    CURRY TAKES A SHOT FROM THE SCOREKEEPER’S TABLE

    8:18:23 a.m. –   Controversy, intrigue and foul play at the Westminster Dog Show.  Warner reports that a Prize Winning Samoyed has died just days after the competition…which precluded him taking ‘Dead in Show’.  His owner believes that he was poisoned…given the pressure of the event, we suspect that when the dog ‘Rolled Over and Played Dead’…it could have, conceivably, been a suicide.  Although he didn’t leave a note.

    “I CAN’T LICK MYSELF ANY MORE…LIFE IS NOT WORTH LIVING.”

    8:32:45 a.m. – Emmylou and Rodney sing 3 more songs from their new album, “Old Yellow Moon”.   We find out that Emmylou is 64.  We CANNOT believe the woman is eligible for the AARP discount.  72 may be the ‘New 30”.  Well Emmylou is the new ‘Bar Rafaeli’. 

    EMMYLOU & RODNEY: OUT STANDING IN THEIR FIELD…LITERALLY

    9:05:24 a.m. –  Despite the pain, and his assertion that he would be bailing as soon as Emmylou and Rodney were done, the I-man soldiers on, and finishes the program, like the ‘Hired Gun’ he is.  A regular Palladin.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY:

    IN HONOR OF THE WHITE SHOES OF THE COWBOY-MAN

    CHEVY CHASE RECEIVES A SPECIAL GIFT FROM HIS BROTHER IN LAW

    ‘NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VACATION’

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtSvWYtpd50

    Wednesday
    Feb272013

    The Legendary Clive Davis

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   One of the true legends of the Music Business, Clive Davis is going to be the guest this morning.  This man is responsible for a list of artists that reads like a veritable ‘Who’s Who’ of Rock n’ Roll Royalty.  He is the man responsible for discovering and signing everybody from Janis Joplin to Bruce Springsteen to Alicia Keys.  Clive is the man who edited and released the classic ‘Piece o’ My Heart’ back in the 60’s and ever since then he has given the world artists like Bob Dylan, Whitney Houston and Carlos Santana…just to name a few.  Clive is on with his new Autobiography, ‘The Soundtrack of My LifeThe I-Man makes the observation that everybody has a Soundtrack to their lives.   Tony’s is Public Enemy’s ‘Fight The Power’.  Rob’s is “Food Glorious Food” from the Broadway Musical ‘Oliver’. Mike Lupica’s is ‘The Lollipop Guild’ from ‘The Wizard of Oz’.  We’re not sure what Imus’ is…all we know is that it’s played on a Victrola.

    “HIS MASTER’S VOICE”? EVEN IMUS’ DOG IS DEAF

    6:1317 a.m.  –   It’s time for ‘Story Corner’ with Uncle Warner.  The Wolfman wants to re-tell, for the FOUR THOUSANDTH TIME, the story about Chuck Wepner’s wife, and the blue lingerie, and his legendary bout with Mohammed Ali.  As the story goes, (and we are going out on a limb here thinking that you’ve not already heard this story a BILLION times already) Chuck said, ‘I want you to be wearing that nightgown tonight because you’re going to be sleeping with the Heavyweight Champion of the World, and then, as fate would have it, upon his return to the hotel room, she was waiting, in the aforementioned ‘Scanty Panties’, and asked, ‘Is Ali coming here, or do I have to go to his room?’   God, we love that story. 

    DON’T WAIT UP FOR HIM, HONEY…

    HE’S NOT GOING TO BE IN A VERY ROMANTIC MOOD

    6:37:12 a.m. –  One of our favorite people on the planet, Presidential Historian, Author and Party Girl, Doris Kearns Goodwin is on, fresh from The Oscars.  Between her and Douglas Brinkley we are lucky enough to have 2 Presidential Historians on our guest roster…Doris distinguishes herself from the field in that she is the only one who actually slept with Abraham Lincoln.

    “DID HE JUST SAY…’STROKE MY WHISKERS, DORIS’?

     I THINK HE MAY BE DELIRIOUS.”

    7:05:44 a.m. –  Father John Morris is on from the Vatican, reporting on the ‘College of Cardinals’, (And boy wouldn’t you like to pledge a frat at that school?) upcoming Papal Conclave.  The I-Man refrains from asking the good Father about the latest Cross-Dressing Bishops scandal, and instead, mentions, that, like Elmore Leonard, he’d like to see a Black Woman be elected Pope.  You know, like ‘Gladys Knight.’   That’s what the Catholic Church needs:  A Pope with Pips.  Or, at the very least, Cardinal Peter Turkson from Ghana.

    CARDINAL TURKSON: 

    HE’S LEAVIN’…(LEAVIN’) FOR THAT MIDNIGHT MASS IN GEORGIA

    7:37:59 a.m. –  The Blondes are on to weigh in on the Oscars and Seth MacFarlane.  Lis has never seen MacFarlane’s work.  Seth MacFarlane, at least.  She’s familiar with George, ‘Spanky’ MacFarlane, as they used to date back during the ‘Little Rascals’ days.

    LIS AND SPANKY SHARE AN ORANGEADE.  APPARENTLY, ALFALFA WAS QUITE JEALOUS, AS HE HAD A HUGE CRUSH…ON SPANKY

    7:44:18 a.m. –    The I-man discusses his need to lose a few pounds, much to the dismay of his wife, who considers him a ‘Manorexic’…which is partly true, in that, although he’s painfully thin, it is US who do most of the vomiting when he eats.  Deirdre says she believes her husband acts like a ‘Fat White Girl’.   

    THE I-MAN…IN DEIRDRE’S EYS

    8:05:23 a.m. –   Imus reads a spot for a loyal sponsor, ‘PowerSwabs’.  “If you got yourself some funky teeth, you’ve either got yellow, stained enamel… or you’re a meth addict.”  If you got some ‘Fugly Choppers’ this is the product for you…or, of course, you could quit smoking Meth. 

    ‘POWERSWABS’: BEFORE AND AFTER

    8:21:45 a.m. –  Bernard does a story about a 9 year old boy in Boston in a Rap Group called ‘Coke Boys’ who goes by the Hip Hop Name of ‘Lil’ Poopy’. Apparently, Child Services of Massachusetts has been notified to investigate child endangerment accusations…but we think the lad is doing fine.  In fact, he just bought a new set of rims for his Big Wheels.

    LIL’ POOPY: “HE GOT HIS MIND ON HIS ALLOWANCE,

    AND HIS ALLOWANCE ON HIS MIND”

    8:25:59 a.m. –  “The Musical Genius, Clive Davis”, (as Imus refers to him, and it’s not hyperbole) is here.   It is the first time in Imus in the Morning Program history that a guest is put on five minutes AHEAD of schedule.    And we can understand why. This guy is THE REAL DEAL and absolutely FASCINATING…and not in the usual Imus OCD way…he really IS an interesting man with incredible stories about just about everything about everybody in the music business.  Janis Joplin, Bruce Springsteen, Alicia Keys…we just hope that Imus doesn’t ask Clive what he thinks about Whittaker Chambers.

    JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE…AND CLIVE

    9:05:11 a.m. –  The I-Man is dreading his visit with Dr. Peekaboo Woo this morning, to have his vocal chords scraped.   We don’t know why he would not look forward to such an aesthetically pleasing experience.  He says that, as Dr. Peekaboo has already lasered the deal off a couple of weeks ago, there really is not reason for him to go back for more torture.  For some reason, Warner feels it necessary to rain on Imus’ parade:  “Are you SURE you don’t have Cancer, I-Man?”   He was until you asked him and put that thought in his head, Warner.  Thanks.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY: THE SONG THAT PUT JANIS JOPLIN ON THE MAP

    AND BEGAN THE LEGACY OF THE MAN KNOWN AS ‘CLIVE DAVIS’

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uG2gYE5KOs

    Tuesday
    Feb262013

    Moses For the Heisman

    6:03:12 a.m.  –   Just before we go on the air, Rob makes the fatal mistake of asking the I-Man how he is feeling.  His attempt to head off an endless string of complaints about the daily series of I-Maladies is nipped in the bud.  “Don’t worry about how I’m feeling, fatso.” This is not out of empathy or actual concern for Imus’ health.  It has to do with the inevitability of Rob going back on the road to do a tour of all the “Yuk Palace” clubs in the Midwest.  Tony is much more subtle.  He merely holds a mirror underneath the Boss’ nose.  But not for the same reason Imus used to it in the 80’s. 

    LIFE WITHOUT IMUS

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   According to the Financial Times this morning, “72 is the new 30.”  “No, it’s not”, Imus says.  We would tend to agree with him.  Because if that was actually true, then he would be married to an 82 year old woman.

    THE KINDERGARTEN CLASS AT P.S. 208

    6:10:17 a.m.  –   Fats Domino is 85.  But he doesn’t look a day over 84.  Black don’t crack…but it is unusual for an overweight man to live that long.  Fats can’t afford to lose weight…nobody’s going to go see “Skinny Domino”.   The Rock n’ Roll legend has lived so long...he can no longer find his ‘thrill’…only because he doesn’t remember where he left it.

    WALKIN’ TO NEW ORLEANS?  I CAN’T EVEN WALK TO THE BATHROOM WITHOUT A CANE!”

    6:25:27 a.m. –  Jane Fonda looks good for 72.  Although admittedly, she has had work done.  As has Joan Rivers…who doesn’t look half bad herself…for an 80 year old Asian woman.

    “CAN WE TALK?”

    6:37:12 a.m. –    “You have to be nuts to get in a hot air balloon.”  This is Imus’ reaction to Connell’s story about the fatal accident that occurred in Egypt.  It obviously brings up bad memories for the I-Man.

    THE BOSS WAS STILL SMOKING BACK IN THOSE DAYS

    7:14:12 a.m. –  Brian Williams has a hair color not found in nature.  If you’re Brian Williams, why would you want to color your hair?  Related question: If you’re Don Imus why would you not want to get your eyebrows mown?

    THE I-MAN BEFORE HE GETS A TRIM IN THE MAKEUP ROOM

    7:17:32 a.m. -   Warner reports on Alabama offering a scholarship to a 14-year-old running back who is 6 foot 1, 215 pounds.  The boy’s name is Dylan Moses…which could be the single greatest name for a player in Football History.    This prompts Warner to do a fantasy  ‘Play by Play’… “There goes Moses, making the offensive line part like Red Sea!   Let his team mates go!   That dude is on fire like the Burning Bush!”

    MOSES POSES FOR THE HEISMAN

    7:37:59 a.m. –  The Great One, Mark Levin, Syndicated Radio Talk Show host is the guest.  Mark is, politically, what you would refer to as ‘Right Leaning.’   And by ‘Right Leaning’, we mean he thinks Attila the Hun was a ‘Liberal Weenie’.   Mark is on to praise the President for all his accomplishments over the past four years.  We don’t want to say that he’s a Right Wing Nut Job…but we do believe there’s an open file on him somewhere at Langley.

    THE DEFENDANT…IN HAPPIER TIMES

    8:05:18 a.m. –    Imus tells us all that he thinks Bo Dietl is great in the new Arby’s commercials where the Larger than Life, Runyonesque, Highly Opinionated Former New York Detective portrays…a Larger than Life, Runyonesque, Highly Opinionated, Former New York Detective.   Imus relates how difficult it is to play oneself.  In other words…the I-Man is NOT a self-absorbed, megalomaniacal, erratic, obsessive compulsive A-Hole.  He just plays one on TV.

    LAWRENCE OLIVIER AND THE I-MAN, IN ‘HAMLET’

    8:11:23 a.m. –  We learn that Brian Williams and Bob Beckel clearly share the same colorist: Crayola.

    WITH THE PATENTED ‘BECKEL/BRIAN’ APPLICTORS, ONLY YOUR HAIRSTYLIST WILL KNOW FOR SURE

    8:15:23 a.m. –  Warner reports that, as part of the Los Angeles Dodgers’ new 8 Billion Dollar TV deal, they will be broadcasting in 3 Languages:  “English, Spanish…and Korea.”  We know he means ‘Korean’, unless there is another Asian dialect of which we are not familiar.

    VIN SCULLY IS REALLY GOING TO ENJOY CALLING THESE GAMES

    8:38:45 a.m. –  The Great Mike Breen is on.  And we don’t use the term ‘Great’ loosely. In addition to being a great guest, and an even GREATER guy, there is no one better at doing NBA Play by Play, or when it comes to being funny…at the I-Man’s expense, of course.  Breen says he’s on to promote his new book:  The Bill O’Reilly inspired, ‘Killing Imus’…but unlike O’Reilly’s two historical treatises about the assassinations of Lincoln and Kennedy, “…this one has a HAPPY ending.”  Of course Mike is being facetious.  You could never write something with the title ‘Killing Imus’.   There would be too many suspects to fit into one book.

    MIKE BREEN, SINGING KARAOKE AT THE ESPN CHRISTMAS PARTY.  THE MAN DOES A KILLER RENDITION OF ‘LOCOMOTIVE BREATH’

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY:

    THE GREAT MIKE BREEN

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLjTxD9F5jw

    Monday
    Feb252013

    Warner Gets His Guarantee Privileges Revoked

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   “Lincoln fared better at Ford’s Theater than he did last night at the Oscars”.  The morning, and the week, get off to a brilliant start with Imus’ assessment of Spielberg’s biopic of the 16th President’s getting stiffed at the Academy Awards.   All we know is, after watching the show last night, we think Honest Abe was the lucky one.  We wish an actor had snuck behind us and pulled the trigger.  Jesus.

    “PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE, A GUY I JUST FREED…LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR. CHRIS ROCK!”

    6:06:17 a.m.  –   Lincoln wasn’t the only one who got the short end of the statue last night, Warner Wolf, in insuring a ‘Best Picture’ win for the movie, has his ‘Guarantee Privileges’ revoked by the I-Man.  Warner went 1 for 6 , a record that, by comparison, makes the Jacksonville Jaguars look like Vince Lombardi’s Green Bay Packers.

    THIS IS NOT TOMMY LEE JONES, SO…TURN YOUR SETS OFF THERE…

    6:15:27 a.m. –  “Did you ever drop something…and can’t believe how far it is from where you dropped it?  Everything ends up under the bed.”   Imus is referring to his Mont Blanc, which is somewhere on the set underneath the anchor desk.   If he had dropped it at home it would, indeed, be under the bed.  Which is where he usually hides…as he sometimes moonlights as ‘The Boogie Man’

    “MOMMY…THERE’S A SCARY COWBOY UNDER MY BED WHO WANTS TO KNOW IF YOUR PEACHES ARE FUZZY…”

    6:39:12 a.m. –    Bo Dietl observes that the tribute to James Bond at the Oscars last night was missing something…namely, James Bond.  Why the producers of the show decided that, instead of having all the actors who have played the role onstage for a reunion, they would just go with Shirley Bassey…is beyond us.

    “NO, YOU CAN’T  HAVE ANOTHER VODKA MARTINI…”

    7:02:44 a.m. –  “You can’t have a NASCAR driver named Kevin…”  Just like you can’t have a Gangsta Rapper named ‘Dwight’ or a Brain Surgeon named ‘Earl’.

    “I’M FIXIN’ TO SCRUB UP HERE, COS’ I GOT A ANTERIOR TEMPORAL AMYGALOHIPPOCAPECTOMY”   

    7:15:32 a.m. -   Imus reveals that he watched the E-Channel Red Carpet coverage last night.  Let’s repeat that, just in case you didn’t catch what we said:  Imus watched the E-Channel Red Carpet coverage last night.   In a related story, he ovulated right after they gave the Best Director Award to Ang Lee.  Who, by the way, he thought was  “Just fierce!”

    DEIRDRE WASN’T SURPRISED THAT THE I-MAN WAS UNUSUALLY BITCHY…BUT SHE DID NOTICE THAT HE WAS MORE BLOATED THAN USUAL

    8:05:18 a.m. –    Imus contacts the fruit of his loins, Wyatt, his son, to see what the 14 year old Rodeo Prodigy thought about Seth McFarland’s performance as Oscar Host last night.  The Wy-Man observes that McFarland clearly couldn’t do what he does on ‘The Family Guy’...which was…what?  Make us laugh?   We do understand young Imus’ point, and yes, he does, not surprisingly, possess more sense than his father, which, when you get to thinking about it…isn’t all that impressive.  Some imported cheeses have more sense than his father. 

    “OF COURSE MCFARLAND WASN’T GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO THE SAME MATERIAL HE GETS AWAY WITH ON FAMILY GUY…”

    8:10:18 a.m. –    “I will not be watching ‘Life of Pi’. “  Why not, I-Man?  “Does the Tiger talk?”   Um…no, but…he’s…a tiger.   “If he’s going to be animated, I want him to talk.  And I want him voiced by Chris Rock or Will Ferrell.” 

    “LOOK, AIN’T NOTHIN’ PERSONAL, BUT…IF WE GONNA BE SHARIN’ THIS BOAT, YOU’RE GONNA BE DOING SOME FISHIN’…COS’ I’M EITHER GONNA EAT ME SOME FISH…OR I’M GONNA EAT ME SOME…PI.”

    8:40:23 a.m. –   Greg Gutfeld, a member of the panel on Fox News’ ‘The Five’ and host of his own program, ‘Red Eye’ is on to provide his take on the Oscars.  He compares it to a ‘Nor’easter’:   If you know it’s going to be bad, then there’s no point in watching it.  And if you do watch it, then it’s on you.  We feel the same way about him on ‘The Five’.

    AUTHOR, TELEVISION HOST, AND MARK WALBERG STUNT DOUBLE, GREG GUTFELD

    9:05:45 a.m. –  The I-Man interviews Nat about his date this past Friday night, when he made dinner for his Match.com date.  Let’s just say…it wasn’t a ‘Love Connection.’    Nat says she may have some ‘Grooming Issues’…in that her hair ‘Smelled like Mothballs.’  At least the hair on her back.  She sounds like one of those ‘Crazy Cat Ladies’, and so the unkempt mane is not a surprise…once you’ve licked your hair…you can’t do a thing with it.

    NAT’S DATE LAST FRIDAY NIGHT.  NOT EXACTLY ‘PUSSY GALORE’…ALTHOUGH THERE WERE PLENTY OF THEM…

    9:15:45 a.m. –  Despite the debacle of his ‘Oscar Pick Guarantee’, Warner remains resolute in his support of ‘Lincoln’.  We can’t blame him for his loyalty…the bonds you form in High School last a lifetime.

    ANDREW JACKSON HIGH SCHOOL DEBATE TEAM: CLASS OF 1847 

    VIDEO OF THE DAY:

    Seth McFarland is a VERY funny man.

    Here’s proof:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P37gFmVGXIA