Follow Us On

  
Recent Guests:
    Monday
    Sep092013

    Mr. Syria's Hummus

    6:05:00 a.m. –     We are back after a two week hiatus,  and the I-Man landed at Teterboro a mere 6 hours ago.  No sleep does not a happy Imus make, and we fear the worst, but the old Cowboy is actually in a good mood.  It’s almost as if he’s missed us.  Almost.  We’re not…stupid.

     

    6:07:56 a.m. –  The program is not even 7 minutes old and the Boss has already related another one of his notorious, social faux pas.  Roxanne Roundtree, the incredibly inspirational woman who suffers from Lou Gehrig’s Disease, is confined to a wheelchair, and communicates via eyeblinks, brought her family to support Wyatt in his Rodeo yesterday afternoon.  Neither of her sons were competing…they came all the way across Texas just to cheer on The Wy-Man.  The Boss left his horse trailer and walked to the grandstand, a distance of approximately 40 feet, the effort, rendering the pulmonary challenged cowboy… literally breathless.  As he bent down to kiss Miss Roundtree on the forehead, he let her know that He was having a hard time breathing.  We imagine she blinked to offer him her wheelchair for his trip back to the trailer.  You literally CAN’T MAKE THIS UP.

    THE INCREDIBLE ROUNDTREE FAMILY

    ROXANNE WOULD’VE BLINKED ‘SUCK IT UP YOU PUSSY’ TO THE BOSS,

     BUT IT WOULD’VE TAKEN WAY TOO LONG, AND HE’D ONLY GET MORE WINDED

    6:22:12 a.m. –  Imus tells Dagen that a lot of the old guys at the Rodeo…really like her.  That’s exactly what she needs.  A bunch of Crusty, Toothless, Southwestern Cowboys lusting after her.

    “YOU SHURE ARE PURTY, DAGEN!  WANNA SEE WHERE THE HORSE BIT ME?”

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Bo Dietl is on to discuss the military, Syria, but, more importantly, his role on an upcoming episode of ‘Boardwalk Empire.’

    BO, ‘GUEST STAR-A-TATING’ ON THE HBO HIT

    7:13:45 a.m. –   “The Worst Mexican Restaurant On The PLANET is in Stephenville Texas.”  Imus won’t tell us what the name of it is…but it’s gotta be pretty bad if he thinks it’s worse than Taco Bell.

    “MENUS?  WE DON’T GOT TO SHOW YOU NO STEENKIN’ MENUS!”

    7:17:22 a.m. –   Connell reports that the British Prime Minister misplaced the ‘Red Box’…which is the English version of what we, here in the U.S.A., would call ‘The Nuclear Football’, vessel in which the most important of government documents are kept.  Here, the ‘Red Box’ is the machine in front of the 7-11 where you can rent DVDs for a buck.

    WE DON’T THINK THAT THE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER WOULD BE ABLE TO LOSE THIS

    7:19:37 a.m. –   Carley reveals that she still finds guys with tattoos and beards hot…and then drops THIS titillating fact:  Teeth, apparently, are optional.  And yet, strangely enough, Gunz STILL couldn’t get a date with her.  In other words, the meth head ‘Tilt-A-Whirl’ operator at the traveling carnival has a better chance with Carley than Gunz does.

    CARLEY’S DREAM MAN…BECAUSE IN ADDITION TO ROCKING THE 70’S PORN STAR ‘STACHE, AND A TATTOO ON HIS NAVEL THAT SAYS ‘FOR THE LADIES’, WITH AN ARROW POINTING ‘DOWNTOWN’…HE’LL GIVE HER ONE OF THOSE ‘RIDE FOR FREE’ BRACELETS IN EXCHANGE FOR HER PHONE NUMBER

    7:21:40 a.m. –  Connell reports an unfortunate story about a San Francisco 49er fan who fell to his death off the walkway at the Stadium…a tragedy that results in the I-Man coining the ‘Phrase of the Day’:  “Sidewalk Pizza”.

    SIDEWALK PIZZA (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    7:26:33 a.m. –   We learn that Gunz’s girlfriend broke up with him over the weekend.  Ironically, she had a beard, no teeth, and worked at a traveling carnival, running the bumper cars. 

    GUNZ’S EX.  TO BE HONEST, SHE DOESN’T LOOK ALL THAT BUSTED UP OVER BEING SINGLE AGAIN

    7:40:34 a.m. –   Dr. Walid Phares is on to scare us about Syria.  I-Man has already told us that he won’t understand a single word Dr. Phares will say.   He will ask a question, and when the Doc’s lips stop moving, he will ask another…until the interview is over, and then he can ask Bernie off the air what Dr. Phares said and what he should think about it.

    YOU DON’T THINK DR. PHARES GETS STOPPED AT THE AIRPORT SECURITY FOR ‘EXTRA SCREENING’ DO YOU?

    8:05:33 a.m. –   Dr. Bill Evans wonders what the I-Man brought back for him from Texas.  “A Parking Space”, the Boss offers.  Oh, snap.  (If you don’t get the joke…do a Google Search)

    WHAT YOU GET FOR THE MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING…OR AT LEAST HALF OF EVERYTHING

    8:05:33 a.m. –   The I-Man has vowed not to get ‘Ugly’ about it…yet…but he ‘recommends’ that District 9 Junior High Rodeo Organizers start making their venues Handicapped Accessible.  If they know what’s good for them, that is.  We see some Ramp Building and elevators being installed…rather quickly, in fact.

    NOW THAT WASN’T ALL THAT HARD, WAS IT?

    8:21:33 a.m. –   Imus wonders if the Sports Report is ‘News’ to Warner, as Mr. Wolf doesn’t appear to be up on the University of Texas being upset by BYU.  It’s not that…Warner just doesn’t follow Mormons.

    BRIGHAM YOUNG UNIVERSITY’S NEW UNIFORMS

    8:41:56 a.m. –   Christopher ‘Mad Dog’ Russo is on, and we couldn’t be happier, as this dude brings it, and brings it hard, EVERY day.  That is…he’s certifiably INSANE.  The ‘Mad Dog’ isn’t just a cute nickname.  It’s the genuine diagnosis given to him by the Psychiatric Staff at Bellevue, after being brought there one afternoon, foaming at the mouth after a long rant about a particularly close San Francisco Giants.

    WILL CLARK STILL HAS A STANDING ORDER OF PROTECTION

    9:11:56 a.m. –  A clip of Charlie Rose’s interview with Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad  is played, and the I-Man makes the following observation:  “He’s rocking that Chris Wallace chin…and he’s got a speech impediment.  I like my despots to have a number of infirmities…no chin and a lisp.”  Leave it to the I-Man to reduce one of the most evil dictators in the world to an overly sibilant Chris Wallace lookalike.  We wonder if Assad’s wife wrote a cookbook about HER chinless husband, much as Lorraine Wallace did with her ‘Mr. Sunday’s Soups’…

    ASMA AL-ASSAD’S SOON TO BE NUMBER ONE NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Just like the I-Man, we, too, like our Dictators to be quirky, chinless Despots.

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnszgkE3O8g

     

    Friday
    Aug232013

    Battle of the Bands

    6:05:00 a.m. –     Imus is outraged.  Not because a guest blew us off, or Bigfoot couldn’t get a piece of video in time, or he can’t get any hot coffee…no, the Shoer at the Ranch, (and Champion Archer) Doug Crispin, maintains that Delbert McClinton is just ‘Okay.’   “Who’s better than Delbert?” an incredulous Imus demands to know.  “Omar and the Howlers.”     Yah.  And we suppose you also think K.C. and the Sunshine Band blows the Beatles out of the water.

    ON HAIRSTYLE ALONE THESE GUYS AREN’T AS GOOD AS DELBERT

    6:11:56 a.m. –  Dagen is out again today.  “She said she can’t put anything on her face.” Meaning, of course, makeup, as she has a nasty wound on her cheek from an unfortunate encounter with a cabinet door.  “How about a paper bag?”  Imus suggests.  Oh, the empathy!  Physician…heal thyself.

    A SUGGESTION FOR SOME I-MAN HEADGEAR…ACTUALLY, HE MIGHT WANT TO WEAR TWO…IN CASE THE FIRST ONE RIPS

    6:22:12 a.m. –  Filling in for Dagen, Connell finishes his Business Report, and the patient-to-a-fault  I-Man chastises him for ‘stopping talking’.   “But I was finished.”  Connell insists.  “I thought you had a stroke …how about a toss, or something…anything to indicate you’re done.”   “Back to you, I-Man.”   We are certain Connell is going to do that after EVERY report.  News, Business AND weather.

    CONNELL IS DONE, I-MAN

    6:27:12 a.m. –  Somehow, the name of John Batchelor is invoked on the program, an incident, to which, Imus offers, “John Batchelor eats puppies.”   John is…an unusual man, to say the least.  He hosts a radio show here on WABC at night, that caters to the Conspiracy Theorist and Tin Foil hat wearing crowd…the kind who believe Elvis and JFK are at AREA 51 as we speak, helping Jimmy Hoffa take the Lindberg Baby for its trip on the Mother Ship.  John…scares us. 

    THIS IS, CLEARLY, THE FACE OF A MAN WHO JUST POLISHED OFF A LITTLE SCHNAUZER, WITH SOME FAVA BEANS AND A NICE CHIANTI

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Ol’ Lightbulb Head, Paul Begala, is on, and we are free to use that nickname, as the I-Man no longer needs Paul to help Wyatt get into University of Texas. The I-Man is now on a first name basis with President of the U of T, Bill Powers, officially making the Boss a ‘Friend of TWO Bills.’

    WILLIAM POWERS…A LITTLE UNDER THE WEATHER?

    7:05:22 a.m. –   Imus tells us that he’s received a lovely email from Don Roundtree, the husband of the inspirational Roxanne Roundtree, of  Roxie’s Recipes, a book which we have discussed at length in these pages.  Don reveals that he has loved his wife ever since they were in the first grade.  Interestingly enough, the other Don reveals that he has loved HIS wife…since SHE was in the first grade…which was about 10 years ago.

    MRS. IMUS’ WAS A BEAUTIFUL BRIDE

    7:25:37 a.m. –   The Fox Business Special on the Ranch, ‘Changing Lives’ will air on Labor Day.  You can rest easy knowing that the I-Man WILL be able to watch it…from his Horse Trailer, which is equipped with a Satellite Dish.

    “IT SUCKS TO HAVE HOOVES…WE CAN’T CHANGE THE CHANNEL…AND MR. ED IS ON CHANNEL 689, TOO!”

    8:18:40 a.m. –  We anxiously await Liz Claman’s interview with Bob Greifeld from NASDAQ.  Warner takes notes, as he took an F.B.I. course that dealt with recognizing the little physical ‘tells’ that would indicate someone is lying.  Apparently, Greifeld used his hands for emphasis a little too much, in Warner’s view…and so he poses the question:  “What kind of person uses their hands so much when they talk?”  Well, Warner… they’re called Italians.

    A VISUAL PRIMER ON HOW TO SPEAK ITALIAN…

    …AND ITALIAN PRIME MINISTER SILVIO BERLUSCONI WITH THE MOST COMMONLY USED

    8:25:52 a.m. –   Well, that’s 7 minutes and 12 seconds we’ll never get back.  That was pretty pointless.  And tedious.  AND asenine. 

    BOB AND LIZ, EARLIER THIS YEAR, ‘FISTING’ WITH A SHARED PAIR OF FOX BUSINESS CHANNEL PROMOTIONAL GLOVES

    8:26:33 a.m. –   After reading a Chamonix PT-9 commercial, in which a letter some dude wrote the I-Man telling him about his experiences with his prostate troubles, Imus is inspired to wonder “Why would you write a letter telling people about the problems you’re having with your penis?”   We wonder the same thing, when it’s so much easier just to text a photo of it. 

    CONGRESSMAN WEINER…OBVIOUSLY NOT IN NEED OF PT9.  HE’S GOT NO PROBLEM GETTING A ‘HEART ON’

    8:33:33 a.m. –   Wyatt brings the I-Man his breakfast, and is promptly chastised, the boss  taking exception to his son’s interrupting him when he is on the air.  “I’m bringing you your yogurt!” the Wy-Man exasperatedly exclaims. “Here’s what I’m gonna do now…when you rope today, I’m going to talk to you when you’re backing your horse into the chute.”  “I wasn’t talking to you, I was bringing you yogurt!”  This won’t be the last time he interrupts the Boss when he’s on the air.  That will be when he has his cowboy boot firmly standing on the oxygen hose.   He offers to open the yogurt for his father…as he, rightfully, is under the impression that Imus isn’t strong enough to do it himself.  The next time, however, the yogurt will be pre-opened…and stirred so the fruit will be mixed in…along with the urine.

    “PUT THOSE LIPS AWAY, OLD MAN. YOU’RE CREEPING ME OUT.”

    8:40:22 a.m. –   Thomas Friedman is on.  We are late to get to him…which is less disrespectful of him than it is a public service to the listening and viewing audience.  Mr. Friedman is here to discuss the situation in Egypt.  Which has traditionally stable over the last couple thousand years...

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE BATTLE OF THE BANDS

    OMAR AND THE HOWLERS

    VS.

    DELBERT MCCLINTON

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBciqJMscGQ 

    OMAR

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUmQ2-nuTng

    DELBERT

     

    YOU BE THE JUDGE

    IS DOUG CRISPIN A MORON?  OR JUST ‘MUSICALLY CHALLENGED’?

    Thursday
    Aug222013

    Gunz Has a Chance!

    6:05:00 a.m. –   Dagen is not here for the second day in a row. Uh Ohhh. She says that she can’t put make-up on , per her doctor’s instructions, due to her injuries. We think that Melissa Francis has put the fear of God into her, and is threatening to “see” her after school. Dagen is scary, but we’d fake an injury to avoid Melissa Francis. Girl got them crazy eyes.

    MELISSA FRANCIS…YEAH, SHE’S STABLE

    6:10:11 a.m. – Connell reports on the allegations that Syria may have used chemical weapons on its own people. The I-Man makes the observation that Arab Spring sounds like fun. Nothing like a couple of mullahs playing Beach blanket Bingo with some bikini clad goats. What’s hotter than a goat wet t-shirt competition?

    WHY, A GOAT IN LINGERIE, OF COURSE!

    6:14:56 a.m. – The I-Man asks the question that has vexed philosophers for years. “If your dog is drowning, and a stranger is drowning, who do you save?” Ideally your dog can “doggie paddle.” If it can’t swim then you’ve probably been walking a stuffed animal for the last few years. No human life should be sacrificed for a soggy imaginary pet.

    SORRY, ‘KING’…WE LOVE YA...BUT YOU’RE GOING DOWN

    6:29:12 a.m. –The I-Man makes an offer to the chess playing kids at the ranch. “If you can beat Wyatt, I’ll give you a hundred dollars.” Well, one of the kids did beat Wyatt, and much to his surprise, the I-Man was true to his words and paid up. Somewhere in a studio in Astoria Queens, Mike Francesa weeps over the pages of his Porsche brochure.

    IT WASN’T’ LIKE FRANCESA WAS GOING TO FIT IN HERE ANYWAY

    6:39:12a.m.– Presidential historian, Doug Brinkley, is on to discuss  well….presidential history. Apparently Mr. Brinkley is working on a new book about the Nixon tapes. We would prefer to hear the Nixon mix tapes, where Tricky Dicky rocks the house with a blend of hip hop, techno, and dance pop. Something that Pat could “twerk” to

    WE WOULD PAY, HANDSOMELY, TO SEE THIS WOMAN ‘TWERK’ 

    7:06:34 a.m. –We discover that Gunz can actually play guitar. Not only that, but he also reads sheet music. Upon learning this, Carley leaves the door slightly open for Gunz suggesting that there is the slightest possibility that she would even CONSIDER him... (WE’RE NOT SURE HOW LONG IT WOULD TAKE FOR GUNZ TO OFFICIALLY ASSUME ‘LAST MAN ON EARTH’ STATUS)  Naturally we wouldn’t be around to see Carley, and Gunz hooking up as it would entail hell freezing over, a mass extinction caused by an Earth killer asteroid strike, following the heels of the Zombie Apocalypse that triggered global thermonuclear war. But there is a chance Gunz. Keep hope alive

     GUNZ, WE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS, AND SOME BAD NEWS...BAD NEWS IS THAT THE EARTH IS IN ‘END DAYS’  GOOD NEWS IS...CARLEY SAID CALL HER.”      

    7:16:45 a.m.- Warner reports that Princess Irina Walker, 60, daughter of the exiled Romanian King was arrested for cock fighting on her Oregon ranch. We think that the real headline is that a woman was able to engage in that kind of martial art. Then we learned that she was using fighting roosters. The princess was arrested along with her husband for animal cruelty. Sadly they were cuffed and dragged away during dinner. They didn’t have time to finish their coq au vin.

    FRANK PERDUE.  PULLET PIMP

    7:40:22 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting is features a spirited debate that reveals Gunz would rather save a dog if the human looked like Alan Colmes, and Colmes would rather save a dog if the human had Gunz’ soul. We on the other hand are just looking for water deep enough to put them both.

    ALAN COLMES IN THE DEEP END OF THE POOL

    8:13:40 a.m. –  Warner is upset with the idea that Yankee outfielder Ichiro Suzuki has gotten his 4000th hit. Warner says “That’s Feed”. The Wolfman correctly points out that 1200 of Suzuki’s hits were in Japan not in the Major Leagues like those of Pete Rose, and Ty Cobb. That may be true Warner, but you have to admit that a Suzuki 1200 is a damn fine bike. Just think how foolish you and Mrs. Wolf would look riding down the boulevard on a Cobb.

     

                   A SUZUKI 1200                          WARNER RIDING A ‘COBB’

    8:42:40 a.m. I-Fave, Hall of Famer, NFL Legend, and one of the nicest guys in sports, Terry Bradshaw, is our guest. Terry and the I-man discuss his one-man show in Vegas. Terry insists that he is a song and dance man. Yea, okay, Bradshaw...and Steven Hawking is a wide receiver with great hands.

    HIT ME TERRY.  I’M WIDE OPEN.  THEY CAN’T COVER ME 

    9:06:44 a.m. –   The I-Man asks Warner if he plans to see “The Mortal Bones.” Warner says that he’s not as doesn’t like science fiction movies.  We find that surprising a Warner works for a guy who in the eighties experimented on his body more than Dr. Jekyll.

    THE I-MAN AT ‘ELAINE’S’ CIR. 1983

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    For those of you that missed Terry Bradshaw in Vegas, here’s a little something something just for you

     

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeS1c8NtNy8

     

    Wednesday
    Aug212013

    The Genius That Was Elmore Leonard

    6:05:00 a.m. –     Dagen is not here this morning…she texted Connell this morning at 5:15 a.m., informing him that she, apparently, ran into a cabinet door.  At least that’s the story she’s going with.  We, however, surmise that her husband, Rollo, is somehow involved, and that there was some confusion over the changing of the ‘safe’ word.

     THAT’S…GONNA LEAVE A BRUISE

    6:06:11 a.m. –  There is more bad news.  Sadly, the GREAT Elmore Leonard passed away yesterday at the age of 87, from complications after a stroke.   There are few fiction writers as prolific or as skilled as ‘Dutch’.  Charles Dickens was an illiterate Douche Nozzle compared to Elmore.

    ELMORE LEONARD

    OCTOBER 11, 1925 – AUGUST 20, 2013

    6:11:56 a.m. –  The I-Man wants sponsors to know that, if you offer a ‘Money Back Guarantee’, you better give up the money, Sonny.  There are some businesses, however, that do not offer this particular promise.  Like…your Coke dealer, for example.

    UNFORTUNATELY, THEY DON’T SUBSCRIBE TO THIS POLICY AT THE ESCORT SERVICE

    6:22:12 a.m. – Joe Tacopina has turned down our request to be on the program. Apparently, he was offended when he was cancelled the last time he was scheduled, and, according to the I-Man, is ‘In a snit’.   We would sue him but…we would need him to represent us in the suit.  Which would technically be what you would call a ‘Conflict of Interest’.

    LOOK AT THOSE EYES.  THIS IS NOT A MAN WHO YOU WANT TO BE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF

    6:29:12 a.m. –  In the Lindsay Lohan / Oprah Winfrey Interview, The Big O asks if Lindsay’s behavior was ‘A Cry For Help.’  Which causes the I-Man to wonder, “Why don’t these people just cry…Help?”

    JUST WHAT, EXACTLY,  IS LINDSAY LOHAN  TRYING TO SAY HERE?

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Stuart Varney is on, which is always good for a few laughs, in that, you can usually count on the stuffy Brit to lose his mind over something or other.  This week, it was a College Tour he took over the weekend, which caused him to rail about the practice of ‘Cocooning’ our children, keeping them from going out into the real world to make contributions to society.   Um…has he been with any College Age kids lately?  Obviously not…as these are the LAST people you’d want to trust out in the real world…the best contribution they can make is to STAY IN SCHOOL.

    CASE CLOSED

    7:06:45 a.m. –   Imus is still hurt by the Tacopina snubbing.  Joe is a client of the   I-Man’s…as well as Wyatt’s, as he was the attorney who represented the young lad in the legendary ‘Ritzy Canine’ case…in which, he was able to shutter the doors of a Pet Boarding Business for losing the Wy-Man’s beloved pooch, Lucinda.    Imus muses that, in representing A-Rod, “It seems appropriate he’s repping another Mutt.”   Touche’.

    ONE OF THE OWNERS OF ‘THE RITZY CANINE’ AFTER TACOPINA’S LAWSUIT

    7:40:22 a.m. –   Blonde on Blonde…or as we like to call it, ‘IQ Point Suction Time’.   Deirdre draws attention to the photo on the Imus website of the two horses that she took with her iPhone.  It’s a great shot of two ‘studs’ who are playing.  She says that the I-Man is jealous…and, at first, we think she’s referring to the size of the …um… ‘Equine Erection’ on the horse on the left.  Jesus, you could actually throw a saddle on that thing.  But she just means the photograph itself.  Somehow, she was able to capture a shot that the I-Man has been unable to get in all the years they’ve been out at the Ranch.  We, however, are SURE that if The Boss was equally endowed…he’d have taken an iPhone photo of THAT.

    WALK PROUDLY, FLICKA

     (ALTHOUGH WE WONDER HOW YOU’RE ABLE TO WALK AT ALL)

    7:53:37 a.m. –   The I-Man recommends his plastic surgeon, Dr. Lloyd Hoffman, to Dagen, to take care of her ‘Cabinet’ injury. Dr. Hoffman is an Orthodox Jew, who, obviously, seeing as how the I-Man is a patient…is capable of performing…miracles.  Only thing is, Dagen better get there before sundown on Friday.

    A LITTLE NIP, A LITTLE TUCK…AND A SHMEAR.  WE HOPE DR. HOFFMAN DOES NOT GET CONFUSED, AND GIVE DAGEN A ‘BRIS’

    8:08:40 a.m. –  Here’s how bad things are in Syria:  It’s actually an improvement to go to Iraqi Kurdistan. Imus, observing the Refugees fleeing their country’s civil war is inspired to muse:  “Those Syrians look like they have some pretty nice luggage.”   

    “FOR THE LAST TIME…YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED TWO CARRY ON BAGS”

    8:18:40 a.m. –  This morning, Connell is wearing a myriad of hats.  Due to Dagen McDowell’s absence, and Dr. Bill’s vacation, Mr. McShane is performing his usual News Anchoring duties as well as providing us with the Business News AND weather reports.  He’s the Fox Business version of that Dude from the old Ed Sullivan show who used to spin the plates.

    CUE THE ‘SABRE DANCE’ MUSIC

    8:29:40 a.m. –  We’ve had all morning to think about it, and now we’re starting to suspect something strange is going on at Fox Business…last week it was Stuart Varney’s “Chipped Tooth” incident…this week, it was Dagen’s run in with the cabinet.  All we need now is for Neil Cavuto to sprain an ankle…and we’d be convinced that Melissa Francis is attempting to elevate her status somewhat…unconventionally.

    MELISSA IN THE LIBRARY…WITH THE CANDLESTICK

    9:06:44 a.m. –   The I-Man offers some advice to Mayoral Candidate John Liu, in his best Richard Pryor, ‘Mudbone’ voice… “Boy…a man…who sent pictures of his DICK…to people…is beating you!   And he sent them to a girl…who looked like Kevin James!   You got to give up!”

    “CONFUCIOUS SAY, “MAN WHO TAKE PICTURE OF DICK…IS TOO COCKY”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A CELEBRATION OF THE GENIUS THAT WAS

    ELMORE LEONARD

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeZQl2nvnfM 

    ELMORE LEONARD’S RULES FOR WRITING

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RHBOfM9CFQ

    A CLIP FROM ‘GET SHORTY’

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyDdnqYxhd8

    TRAILER FOR ‘3:10 TO YUMA’

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RJ6USD2nEU

    A CLIP FROM ‘OUT OF SIGHT’

    http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/elmore-leonard-left-legacy-character-characters-article-1.1431762

    MIKE LUPICA’S REMEMBRANCE

    Tuesday
    Aug202013

    Lil Jimmy Norton is Here!

    6:05:00 a.m. –    The excitement in the building is palpable…Lil’ Jimmy Norton is here.  In retrospect, this probably wasn’t the best time to have ‘Bring Your Daughter To Work Day’.

    LOOK OUT LADIES…PREPARE TO BE CHARMED

    6:11:56 a.m. –   Imus is very concerned about the situation in Egypt…not that there is such unrest in the Middle East, or the violence is out of control, he just wants to know how it is going to affect HIM.  Dagen informs The Boss that the price at the pump is really what’s at stake here…and seeing as how the I-Man refuses to drive a car that gets more than single digits mileage-wise…

    THE I-MAN’S VEHICLE…HE GETS NEARLY 8 MPG ON THE FREIGHTLINER…HIS ‘CARBON FOOTPRINT’ IS THE SIZE OF GODZILLA

    6:22:12 a.m. –   Dagen reports on Apple’s unveiling TWO new iPhones: a cheaper, low end version, and an upgrade of the iPhone 5…which will be available in a Gold, almost  ‘Champagne’ color.  Incredibly, Imus is not interested in the new phone, but rather an App that would provide him better friends to speak with.

    WITH THE ‘IBLOCK’ APP, CALLS FROM IMUS ARE RECOGNIZED…AND THEN, SUMMARILY, BLOCKED

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Norton is on, much to Carley’s chagrin.  Somehow, the restraining order had an option that allowed Lil’ Jimmy to be within the 60 foot perimeter, if he was promoting a television special.  Which he is.  ‘American Degenerate’, which premieres this Friday on the Epix Network.

    SOMETHING YOU MIGHT WANT TO PROTECT YOURSELF WITH…PRIOR TO VIEWING…AS JIMMY IS DEFINITELY ‘INFECTED’

    7:13:45 a.m. –   Dagen weighs in on Regis Philbin’s new show, ‘Crowd Goes Wild’ on Fox Sports 1.  She is NOT a fan. She’s especially not fond of the  “…Brunette chick they have on to address the social media… all she does is read emails.”  When she is challenged with the charge that she is, effectively, dissing Carley…who, at one time, used to read emails for this program, Dagen vehemently denies the allegation…because  “The chick on Fox Sports 1 is a brunette.”

    WE’VE SEEN THE DEBUT OF ‘CROWD GOES WILD.’ AND, AS IMUS HAS OFFICIALLY DECREED:  “THERE WILL BE NO SECOND VIEWING.”  

    7:19:22 a.m. –   “What have we done for 19 minutes?”  the I-Man is incredulous, as we have not done the News with Connell, the Business Report with Dagen, or Sports with Warner, and we’re dangerously close to the time for the Bernie Briefing.   Connell:  “Do you want to go back and replay it?”  Imus actually considers the idea…but then we’d be behind 38 minutes.

    NOT THE KIND OF ‘DRONE’ THAT HAS PUT US SO FAR BEHIND

    7:40:22 a.m. –   Juan Williams is on, and relates that he was recently out in Las Vegas with his sons… Imus:  “Did you hire any hookers?”   Williams:  “And I’m supposed to tell YOU?”   He extolls the virtues of ‘Pappy Van Winkle’ Bourbon.  We are hard drinkers like the next guy.  We, however, have a problem drinking something that sounds like a Cartoon Character.

    YOU DON’T WANT A DRUNK SMURF.  BLUE VOMIT IS PARTICULARLY DISGUSTING

    8:05:37 a.m. –   Imus, in discussing Gay Conversion Therapy, brings up Marcus Bachman, and his program of ‘Praying Away The Gay’: “Well, isn’t he a Double Order of Fruit Salad himself?”  We take umbrage with that assessment.  Bachman is an ‘All You Can Eat Buffet of Gay’.

    MARCUS BACHMAN.  HE’S NOT GAY.  BUT HIS BOYFRIEND MIGHT BE.

    8:18:40 a.m. –  Gunz weighs in on Katie Nolan, the “Social Media Chick” from ‘Crowd Goes Wild’ on Fox Sports 1.   “I think she’s hot.”  “That’s what Porn is for.” Dagen admonishes.  As if Gunz wasn’t already aware of that fact. To be brutally honest, Gunz is not all that discriminating when it comes to female companionship.

    THIS IS WHAT, IN GUNZ’ WORLD, IS KNOWN AS ‘FRIDAY NIGHT’

    8:21:33 a.m. –   Noam Laden is filling in for Dr. Bill Evans on the Weather Duties today.  His signoff has been.  “I’m ‘Stormin’ Norman’.”  Forget how you get from ‘Noam’ to ‘Norman’…but to add the “Stormin’” is…well, a very special kind of stupid.

    THE OFFENDING PARTY.  HIS HAIR LEFT…OUT OF EMBARRASSMENT

    8:40:38 a.m. –   Bret Baier is on to discuss the situation in Egypt and the Muslim Brotherhood.  (Which, come to think of it, sounds like a GREAT band name.)  Poor Bret is battling a summer cold.  Poor baby’s got the sniffles.  We just hope it’s not the same ‘cold’ that the I-Man battled back in the eighties.   The Boss had ‘The Sniffles’ for a really long time.  In fact, Imus’ cold was kind of like the War in Iraq:  It cost millions of dollars and lasted almost 9 years.

    “WE’RE SORRY, MR. BAIER, BUT WE’VE RUN OUT OF KLEENEX, YOU’LL HAVE TO MAKE DUE WITH THAT ONE”

    9:05:13 a.m. –   The I-Man ‘Unloads His Mind’ on us, and Drops Some Science about using children in radio and television commercials “People who think putting kids in commercials is a good idea…are WRONG.” .  After having to endure the tedious ‘1-877- Kars 4 Kids’ spot…we would tend to agree.   First of all, he has a problem with giving Cars, (AND IT’S SPELLED WITH A C, DAMMIT!) to kids is an AWFUL idea.  It’s bad enough tripping over a skateboard, the last thing you need is to trip over the Chevy that Junior left on the stairs.  But second of all, it depends on the product that’s being advertised.  Breakfast Cereal is one thing.  However, a 4th Grader in a Viagra Spot is just…sick.

    MIKEY LIKES IT!!!

    9:07:33 a.m. –   We wonder who chooses the News Stories that Connell reports every morning.  Because the program is nearly over, and we hear about a 70 year old gentleman in Australia who had to go to the Emergency Room to…get a fork removed from his penis.  Yes.  You heard right.  And, apparently, it was not an accident.  Which, makes sense, if you think about it…as we have difficulty envisioning a scenario where a man, walking around, minding his own business, somehow trips and falls over the utensil drawer, and winds up with a three pronger…in his donger.    We’re not sure we want to know what the real story is…but ONE thing is for sure:  This is not a house where you want to be invited to stay for dinner.

    “UM...ON SECOND THOUGHT…YOU DON’T HAVE TO PASS THE SPOON, EITHER.”

    9:09:07 a.m. –   We’re not exactly sure the line of thought that took us from the use of children in advertising to an observation about Papa John’s Pizza, but The I-Man makes the observation that,  the spokesperson for the Pizza, John Schnatter, is a rather ‘creepy’ individual.  In fact, according to Imus, “He has the same effect as Rand Paul and Fred Thompson. “ 

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A LITTLE ‘TASTE’ (WHICH IS A RELATIVE TERM…AS ‘TASTE’ IS NOT A WORD YOU NORMALLY ASSOCIATE WITH NORTON) OF JIM NORTON’S ‘AMERICAN DEGENERATE’ COMEDY SPECIAL:

      

    WARNING: FOR MATURE ADULTS ONLY

    (COS’ IT’S REALLY DIRTY…BUT REALLY FUNNY)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mA9RiG22fAE