6:05:06 a.m. – The I-Man begins the morning with the observation that Birds… never shut up. He believes they might have some form of Avian Tourette’s Syndrome, Rockin’ in the tree tops all day long, Hoppin’ and Boppin’ and singin’ this song: “Tweedily tweedily F#@^…tweedily muthaf#*er, Tweedily tweedily $#!+…Tweedily Bull$&^*, c@#*sucker...”
6:15:34 a.m. – Warner reports on the NFL Draft, and says that Shane Ray the Number One Linebacker, from Missouri was supposed to go in the eighth round…um…Warner? There’s no eighth round. He went number 23rd in the first round. Anybody who goes in the eighth round has to wait until next year’s draft. Which will then be the first round. We hope we’re not confusing you any further.
YOU CAN’T GET ONE OF THESE AND A ‘HOT DOG-EE’ AT A GIANT’S GAME, WARNER
6:17:14 a.m. – Dagen reports that women who don’t like going to Hooters because they prefer not getting some Bimbo’s Fake, ‘ Tig Ol’ Bitties’ shoved in their faces while they’re trying to enjoy chicken wings, now have an alternative Sports Bar in Dallas Texas, called ‘Tallywackers’, which will feature hunky mens to wait on the more than willing women.
DAGEN CAMPED OUT IN FRONT OF THIS BILLBOARD FOR THREE DAYS
6:40:28 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS, or, as we like to call it, “A Coupla Guys Sitting Around Correcting Warner”. The guys discuss last night’s NFL Draft, where Warner maintains that there were no surprises. Other than, of course, Leonard Williams slipping to the New York Jets at no. 6, and Running Back Todd Gurley going at number 10 to the Rams. Not to mention Marcus Peters showing up at Draft Park in Chicago clad in a teal, off the shoulder, satin gown.
WE HAVE TO SAY, THIS WAS, INDEED, THE BIGGEST SURPRISE OF THE NIGHT…
7:10:20 a.m. – The I-Man gives a shout out to Geoffrey D’Aries, his UBER-FAN, (And by that, we don’t mean he is a Private Car Service Enthusiast) who, somehow, thought he was the victim of Imus being Angry with him. NOTHING could be further from the truth, the Boss LOVES Geoffrey, as do we all. He’s a courageous, charming and funny young man who suffers from a debilitating condition, but the I-Man is not sure what it is, because, obviously, that’s not how he defines his little friend. So he asks Rob “What does Geoffrey have?”, to which, Rob replies, he doesn’t really know, which irritates the Boss to no end. We suggest he ask Jeffrey himself. “Hey, Numbnuts, what’s your problem? What? What? I…can’t….WHAT? I can’t hear what he said. Rob, tell me what Geoffrey said or I’ll stab Tony.” We don’t know what Jeffrey has. But we know what YOU have.
OUR FRIEND GEOFFREY D’ARIES.
HOW COULD YOU EVER POSSIBLY BE MAD AT THIS FACE?
7:38:18 a.m. – HOLLYWOOD & VINE, or as we like to call it, ‘Four Ladies and a Cowboy Screaming About Show Business. Imogen Lloyd Webber starts the ball rolling with her disgust at the Tony snub of Broadway’s ‘Finding Neverland’, the musical version of the film of the same name, about J.M. Barrie, the author of the ‘Peter Pan’ story. Riedel is actually happy that the show didn’t get ONE Nomination. He HATED the show. Probably because it cut too close to home for him.
THE BOY WHO WILL NEVER GROW UP
7:39:10 a.m. – Deirdre says that Tim McGraw is her ‘Ideal Man’…well, actually she says that the I-Man is her I-DEAL man…but that he and Tim have much in common. Um…they both wear cowboy hats? They both are married to Blonde women? She says Tim looks H.O.T. Dreamy…because he’s eschewed cheeseburgers for Kale Salad. Which, of course, the I-Man has also done, however, unfortunately, the evidence of the healthier diet looks…a little different on Mr. McGraw than it does Mr. Imus. Dagen and Imogen chime in with the information that they also find Tug McGraw’s illegitimate son somewhat…fetching. We’re not sure what Riedel thinks.
SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
7:41:57 a.m. – Dagen is not interested in seeing the New Avengers movie sitting between two ‘Nats’, without jobs OR girlfriends. First of all, Dagen, you’d be quite warm and comfortable wrapped in the tender, yet hirsute, bosoms of Mr. Candido. Who HAS a girlfriend, by the way. A lovely, beautiful young lady, whose only fault is her poor taste in men. If you wanted an example of someone who is CELIBATE, then GUNZ should’ve been your point of reference.
7:43:57 a.m. – Riedel takes issue with David Letterman’s recent statement that CBS should have fired him back when the incident with the intern happened. Now, that Dave is retiring on May 20th. “Thanks for nothing”, is Riedel’s take on the matter. We have a take on Riedel, which involves a ‘Top Five’ List. ‘The Top Five More Interesting People to Talk To Than Michael Riedel.’ Number Five: ‘Marcel Marceau’…Number Four: ‘The Falafel Guy on 48th and 6th’ …Number Three: ‘Marlee Maitlin’…Number Two: ‘Siri’ …AND the number one more interesting person to talk to than Michael Riedel… ‘Gunz Gunzelman’. Which is incredibly ironic, as NOBODY wants to talk to him.
“I’M SORRY, I CAN’T CONTINUE…GET RID OF THIS KID…HE’S THE LEAST INTERESTING WOMAN IN THE WORLD”
8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man sends a very special ‘Shout Out’ to Senator John McCain, who came up big time, helping the I-Man with an issue the I-Man was dealing with…which then prompts the I-Man to retract all the hideous things he said about the Hero Senator last week, when he couldn’t get him on the phone. No worries I-Man. You should hear the hideous things Senator McCain was saying about you in the Capitol Locker-room.
“YOU TELL THAT &*^%$#^&@! I SAID TO STOP CALLING!”
8:10:20 a.m. – Connell asks Imus if we can come over to the CPW Penthouse Imus in the Morning World Headquarters to watch the middle rounds of the NFL Draft. He answers that he won’t be there, he will be in Texas. Well, why did you think Connell was asking if we could come over in the first place? BECAUSE YOU WOULDN’T BE THERE! We’d be out on the terrace grilling burgers and swilling brewskis, after six of which, we’d need to pee off the roof, causing people to think you hadn’t left yet.
“HEY NAT! FIND OUT WHO WANTS BACON CHEESEBURGERS!”
8:20:32 a.m. – Imus reports that there are some ‘Deer Blinds’ on his Ranch in Brenham, and is going to have them removed, as they conflict with his philosophy about hunting, which is, “If you can’t outwit a deer or a duck, you have no business hunting.” He believes, as we do, that Duck Calls and Deer Blinds are cowardly practices, giving the hunter a profoundly unfair advantage. In his estimation, what would be crueler than a Mallard thinking he was gonna get some Duck Sauce on a Drake, only to find himself waking up dead. Stick to hunting ‘Scwewy Wabbits’.
WYATT , HIDING IN HIS ‘DON’ BLIND…WAITING.
JUST WAITING, JUST PATIENTLY…WAITING
“BE VEWWY VEWWY QWIET…I’M HUNTING A SCWEWY IMUS…”
8:45: 00 a.m – Presidential Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin, (Or, as we like to call her, ‘The Notorious D.K.G’) is on to discuss L.B.J. not being A.W.O.L. on Civil Rights, as he was portrayed, incorrectly, in the movie ‘Selma’. He was a champion of Civil Rights, and did a great deal for the….Negroes. “As they used to be called back then.” Good thing she stopped at 1965 and didn’t go back to 1865 otherwise she would’ve used the term as they used to be called ‘Back Then’.
DORIS WAS CONSULTED ON THIS OBSCURE, ARCANE, COMIC BOOK SERIES: ISSUE ONE FEATURED MATTHEW HENSON, WHO, ALONG WITH ROBERT PEARY, MADE ONE OF THE BIGGEST GEOLOGICAL DISCOVERIES IN HISTORY; AS WELL AS FRED FRENCH, A NAVY SEAMAN WHO, AFTER THE DESTORYER GREGORY WAS SUNK, AND HE AND HIS CREW MATES WERE PLUNGED INTO THE SHARK-INVESTED SEA OFF GUAM, SAW THEIR LIFERAFT WAS DRIFTING AWAY FROM SHORE, SO HE TIED A LINE AROUND HIS WAIST AND DIVED INTO THE WATER, TOWING THE RAFT TO SHORE; AND GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER, (BACK IN THE DAY THEY REFERRED TO HIM AS ‘SKIPPY’ BECAUSE HE ALWAYS HAD PEANUT BUTTER)
VIDEO OF THE DAY
Speaking of The Avengers & Negro Heroes
KEY & PEELE
‘Stan Lee’s Superhero Pitch’