6:05:00 a.m. – We are back after a two week hiatus, and the I-Man landed at Teterboro a mere 6 hours ago. No sleep does not a happy Imus make, and we fear the worst, but the old Cowboy is actually in a good mood. It’s almost as if he’s missed us. Almost. We’re not…stupid.
6:07:56 a.m. – The program is not even 7 minutes old and the Boss has already related another one of his notorious, social faux pas. Roxanne Roundtree, the incredibly inspirational woman who suffers from Lou Gehrig’s Disease, is confined to a wheelchair, and communicates via eyeblinks, brought her family to support Wyatt in his Rodeo yesterday afternoon. Neither of her sons were competing…they came all the way across Texas just to cheer on The Wy-Man. The Boss left his horse trailer and walked to the grandstand, a distance of approximately 40 feet, the effort, rendering the pulmonary challenged cowboy… literally breathless. As he bent down to kiss Miss Roundtree on the forehead, he let her know that He was having a hard time breathing. We imagine she blinked to offer him her wheelchair for his trip back to the trailer. You literally CAN’T MAKE THIS UP.
THE INCREDIBLE ROUNDTREE FAMILY
ROXANNE WOULD’VE BLINKED ‘SUCK IT UP YOU PUSSY’ TO THE BOSS,
BUT IT WOULD’VE TAKEN WAY TOO LONG, AND HE’D ONLY GET MORE WINDED
6:22:12 a.m. – Imus tells Dagen that a lot of the old guys at the Rodeo…really like her. That’s exactly what she needs. A bunch of Crusty, Toothless, Southwestern Cowboys lusting after her.
“YOU SHURE ARE PURTY, DAGEN! WANNA SEE WHERE THE HORSE BIT ME?”
6:40:34 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on to discuss the military, Syria, but, more importantly, his role on an upcoming episode of ‘Boardwalk Empire.’
BO, ‘GUEST STAR-A-TATING’ ON THE HBO HIT
7:13:45 a.m. – “The Worst Mexican Restaurant On The PLANET is in Stephenville Texas.” Imus won’t tell us what the name of it is…but it’s gotta be pretty bad if he thinks it’s worse than Taco Bell.
“MENUS? WE DON’T GOT TO SHOW YOU NO STEENKIN’ MENUS!”
7:17:22 a.m. – Connell reports that the British Prime Minister misplaced the ‘Red Box’…which is the English version of what we, here in the U.S.A., would call ‘The Nuclear Football’, vessel in which the most important of government documents are kept. Here, the ‘Red Box’ is the machine in front of the 7-11 where you can rent DVDs for a buck.
WE DON’T THINK THAT THE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER WOULD BE ABLE TO LOSE THIS
7:19:37 a.m. – Carley reveals that she still finds guys with tattoos and beards hot…and then drops THIS titillating fact: Teeth, apparently, are optional. And yet, strangely enough, Gunz STILL couldn’t get a date with her. In other words, the meth head ‘Tilt-A-Whirl’ operator at the traveling carnival has a better chance with Carley than Gunz does.
CARLEY’S DREAM MAN…BECAUSE IN ADDITION TO ROCKING THE 70’S PORN STAR ‘STACHE, AND A TATTOO ON HIS NAVEL THAT SAYS ‘FOR THE LADIES’, WITH AN ARROW POINTING ‘DOWNTOWN’…HE’LL GIVE HER ONE OF THOSE ‘RIDE FOR FREE’ BRACELETS IN EXCHANGE FOR HER PHONE NUMBER
7:21:40 a.m. – Connell reports an unfortunate story about a San Francisco 49er fan who fell to his death off the walkway at the Stadium…a tragedy that results in the I-Man coining the ‘Phrase of the Day’: “Sidewalk Pizza”.
SIDEWALK PIZZA (ARTIST’S RENDERING)
7:26:33 a.m. – We learn that Gunz’s girlfriend broke up with him over the weekend. Ironically, she had a beard, no teeth, and worked at a traveling carnival, running the bumper cars.
GUNZ’S EX. TO BE HONEST, SHE DOESN’T LOOK ALL THAT BUSTED UP OVER BEING SINGLE AGAIN
7:40:34 a.m. – Dr. Walid Phares is on to scare us about Syria. I-Man has already told us that he won’t understand a single word Dr. Phares will say. He will ask a question, and when the Doc’s lips stop moving, he will ask another…until the interview is over, and then he can ask Bernie off the air what Dr. Phares said and what he should think about it.
YOU DON’T THINK DR. PHARES GETS STOPPED AT THE AIRPORT SECURITY FOR ‘EXTRA SCREENING’ DO YOU?
8:05:33 a.m. – Dr. Bill Evans wonders what the I-Man brought back for him from Texas. “A Parking Space”, the Boss offers. Oh, snap. (If you don’t get the joke…do a Google Search)
WHAT YOU GET FOR THE MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING…OR AT LEAST HALF OF EVERYTHING
8:05:33 a.m. – The I-Man has vowed not to get ‘Ugly’ about it…yet…but he ‘recommends’ that District 9 Junior High Rodeo Organizers start making their venues Handicapped Accessible. If they know what’s good for them, that is. We see some Ramp Building and elevators being installed…rather quickly, in fact.
NOW THAT WASN’T ALL THAT HARD, WAS IT?
8:21:33 a.m. – Imus wonders if the Sports Report is ‘News’ to Warner, as Mr. Wolf doesn’t appear to be up on the University of Texas being upset by BYU. It’s not that…Warner just doesn’t follow Mormons.
BRIGHAM YOUNG UNIVERSITY’S NEW UNIFORMS
8:41:56 a.m. – Christopher ‘Mad Dog’ Russo is on, and we couldn’t be happier, as this dude brings it, and brings it hard, EVERY day. That is…he’s certifiably INSANE. The ‘Mad Dog’ isn’t just a cute nickname. It’s the genuine diagnosis given to him by the Psychiatric Staff at Bellevue, after being brought there one afternoon, foaming at the mouth after a long rant about a particularly close San Francisco Giants.
WILL CLARK STILL HAS A STANDING ORDER OF PROTECTION
9:11:56 a.m. – A clip of Charlie Rose’s interview with Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad is played, and the I-Man makes the following observation: “He’s rocking that Chris Wallace chin…and he’s got a speech impediment. I like my despots to have a number of infirmities…no chin and a lisp.” Leave it to the I-Man to reduce one of the most evil dictators in the world to an overly sibilant Chris Wallace lookalike. We wonder if Assad’s wife wrote a cookbook about HER chinless husband, much as Lorraine Wallace did with her ‘Mr. Sunday’s Soups’…
ASMA AL-ASSAD’S SOON TO BE NUMBER ONE NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER
VIDEO OF THE DAY
Just like the I-Man, we, too, like our Dictators to be quirky, chinless Despots.