Member Nav

 

Deirdre's Corner

Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Psychos segments on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7:35am and Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Dangers of Formaldehyde Lurk in Everyday Products

by Deirdre Imus - The chemical and known human carcinogen formaldehyde pops up in many unexpected places, like pressed wood products such as cabinets and flooring, hair straightening or curling treatments, fertilizers, cigarette smoke, and some plastic and paper products. It is also used to kill germs, or as a preservative, which is its main function in the funeral industry. And, it is putting at risk the lives of those who deal with the dead.  Read more...

Playing Offense Against GMO's: Your Right To Know

by Deirdre Imus - Back in April the popular Mexican restaurant chain Chipotle announced it would use only ingredients free of genetically modified organisms, or GMOs.  Last year, Whole Foods Market committed to “full transparency” on products containing GMOs, demanding that by 2018 all products sold in its U.S. and Canadian stores be labeled to indicate if they contain genetically engineered materials. These are noble proclamations with potentially huge implications and should not be taken lightly.  Read more...

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

Deirdre's Book Pick Of The Week

 

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing

This #1 New York Times best-selling guide to decluttering your home from Japanese cleaning consultant Marie Kondo takes readers step-by-step through her revolutionary KonMari Method for simplifying, organizing, and storing.  Read more....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Follow Us On

  
The Imus Ranch

Wyatt Wins! 

 

 

 

 

Recent Guests:
    Monday
    Jul072014

    Bernard "Newsman" McGuirk

    6:05:10 a.m. –    Connell is not here.  He says he’s in Ireland, but then again, Charles said he was going to Arkansas…and nobody ever heard from him again.  Bernard is filling in to do the National News.  It’s a little unsettling.  Every time he goes to an Actuality Soundbite, we expect to hear Conan O’Brien’s voice.

    DAN ‘RATHER NOT’

    6:07:14 a.m. – Lori reports that there were, indeed ‘Fireworks’ at the Rothman Household this Fourth of July. We assume Frodo must’ve busted open a case of Viagra, so there was enough for ‘Two Towers’.  (See what we did there?  The Lord of the Rings reference?)  Although we are not sure what Lori would consider ‘Fireworks’.  Are we talking a Grucci Finale Display?  Or holding a sparkler in the backyard?

    IT WENT DOWN AS FAST AS IT WENT UP.  THAT’S WHAT YOU CALL ‘A DUD’

    6:15:30 a.m. – Brad Thor is in with his new book, Act of War, which he describes as ‘Faction’.  That’s a term he coined to describe a novel where “You don’t know where the facts end and fiction begins.”  We wonder if that’s similar to the phrase “Bestsucker” for a book that’s on the New York Times Bestseller list, despite the fact that it sucks.  Which would be one of Lis Wiehl’s books…if she ever actually WROTE a book.

     WE WONDER IF LIS HAS A GHOST WRITER FOR HER CHECKS

    7:06:28 a.m. –  Imus extolls the virtues of the Cleaners at 5200 Eubank N.E. in Albuquerque, who he has entrusted with his shirts.  He only had to tell them how he wanted them ONCE, and they’ve gotten it right ever since.  It took him TEN YEARS to get Hallak Cleaners to get the message.  Never mind the fact that for what Hallak charges, you can get 20 shirts done in Albuquerque.  Apparently, the only problem with the joint is the name:  “The Cleanery”    We guess the name “The Shirtery’ was already taken.   Good thing they don’t own a Port o’ Potty business.  We’re not sure we’d feel comfortable using a commode from ‘The S#!+ery’.

    WONDER IF THEY WILL DELIVER TO CENTRAL PARK WEST?

    7:20:24 a.m  –  Warner reports that all the Soccer Teams whose coaches forbid them to have sex before THE games are now out of the competition.  All the teams that got their respective Freaks On, are still in.  So we guess U.S.A. wasn’t allowed to have intercourse, so they decided to just F&^% us.

    MAYBE IF YOU’D JUST KNOCKED BOOTS WITH SOMEONE ON THE WOMEN’S TEAM, YOU WOULDN’T BE SUCH A LOSER

    7:39:34 a.m. – MIGHT BE ELVIS, the weekly ‘Rate A Record’ segment, with Rodeo Prodigy and Guns ‘n Roses fan Wyatt Imus is filling in for Dagen McDowell.  Ryan Adams, is first up.  He’s the dude from the Country Band ‘Whiskeytown’, and NOT the Canadian from ‘The Summer of ‘69’.   However, coincidentally, Ryan’s song also ‘Cuts Like a Knife’, (which was a hit for the aforementioned Bryan Adams), in that, we want to slit our own throats, after stabbing him to death.   Second up is ‘Rude’ from a group called ‘Magic’, which could be renamed, ‘A Coupla White Guys Sitting Around Trying to Do Reggae.’   The panel isn’t feeling it, other than The I-Man and Gunz.  So you KNOW it has to suck.  Miles Davis is next, with ‘Summertime’, which was introduced by The Boss mentioning his playing the Bugle in the Marines in the same sentence as noting that Miles ‘Also played the trumpet’.  The tune is an instrumental, in which, Mr. Davis is using the ‘Mute’ on his horn, which, unfortunately, didn’t mute the sound completely.  Trevor says about Kenny Chesney’s ‘American Kids’ that it’s “Refreshing to hear a country song about living in a trailer park and having a good time.”  Finally, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers’ “American Dream: Plan B”.  Ahem.  We hope Tom has plans C through J on tap.  Because he’s very close to giving Bob Dylan’s status as “Most Out of Touch Wilbury’ a challenge.

    THE PANEL ISN’T ALL THAT ENTHUSED ABOUT THE SONG CHOICES FOR ‘IT MIGHT BE ELVIS’

    8:06:32 a.m. – “Former Navy Seal Leif Babin is coming up.”  Imus promos our 830 guest.  We can only hope that HE doesn’t have a book.   But if he does, we know one thing:  It’s GREAT!  Brilliant!  Can’t put it down.  Even if he wrote it in crayon on toilet paper.  ANYTHING he does is A-OK with us, because we would like to keep our spleens right where they are, and not pulled out through our nostrils.

    THIS MAN CAN KILL YOU WITH A Q-TIP.  HIS NAME IS LEIF BABIN.  OR AS WE ALWAYS REFER TO HIM:  “SIR YES SIR!”

    8:09:18 a.m. –  Bernie plays a clip of Rick Perry from his interview on ABC and the I-Man observes that, “Rick’s glasses don’t make him look any smarter.”  He also notices that Rick is wearing the same tie as he did on his Fox News Appearance.  Probably because he can’t find a decent Dry Cleaner in Texas.  Apparently, Rick also hit on Deirdre when they ran into each other on Fox News…and he hit on her.  You don’t have to be that smart OR have glasses to know ‘Fine’ when you meet it.

    GOVERNOR PERRY TACKLING THE IMMIGRATION PROBLEM WITH HIS USUAL APLOMB

    8:11:14 a.m. –  Bernard does a story about Joan Rivers.  Is this the News?  Or the Briefing?  Must be the News, because there was no sign of either Jimmy Kimmel or Jon Stewart. 

    BERNIE BACK WHEN HE CO-HOSTED THE NEWS WITH CONNIE CHUNG

    8:38:14 a.m. – Leif Babin is on.  Besides being a NAVY SEAL, Leif is one of the co-founders of ‘Echelon Front’, it’s a leadership training and consulting group that uses the lessons and skills learned by Babin and co-founder Jocko Willink during their military service to educate.  And not some Domestic Terrorist Organization.

    LEIF BABIN.  NOT ‘THAT KIND’ OF FRONT

    8:40:14 a.m. – Leif is on to discuss his tour of duty in Iraq, and the current deteriorating situation with ISIS.  We think they could settle this problem if President Obama was only willing to say the following:  “Hey you Motherf^%$ers.  If you don’t stop this s&^%, we’re gonna tell…Leif.”

    LEIF CHILLING ON THE BEACH.  HE CAN CRUSH A PAINT CAN WITH HIS PECS.

    9:05:14 a.m. – Imus comes back at the top of the hour to comment on a promo that aired on WABC AM, for whatever the evening Drive Time Programming is.  The words ‘rough’ and ‘awful’ are among the few that are printable.  We think it will definitely help to improve the ratings of that show, as we anticipate a bump in the number of people who tune in…just out of curiosity to see what a Train Wreck sounds like.  Like Brad Thor, we again coin a new phrase.  “Radio Rubbernecking.”

    HEED THE SIGNS

    9:08:17 a.m. –  While researching the internet for a graphic for the above piece, we stumbled across a story that said  Yoko Ono’s set at the Glastonbury Festival was the ‘Worst Live Performance of All Time.”   First of all, if you’re buying a ticket to see Yoko Ono, you really have to know that it’s not exactly going to be a Beatles’ Reunion.  Second of all, they can only claim that it was the ‘Worst Live Performance of All Time’ because they never saw Ron White in concert.

    MAYBE YOKO WAS DOING HER ‘TATER SALAD’ BIT.

    9:17:34 A.M. -  Warner goes down ‘Memory Lane’ with the I-Man, reminiscing about Muhammad Ali and the David Remnick book King of the World.   Warner doesn’t remember reading it, as it was published in the Fall of 1998, and Warner doesn’t remember he had half a tuna sandwich at the movies yesterday.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    In honor of Bernard’s debut as Newsman,

    Here’s a collection of Classic ‘News Fails’

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7SeCCOkJw8 

     

    Thursday
    Jul032014

    Happy Birthday to the Wy-Man!

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man is creeped out by the Cialis Commercials.  He doesn’t want to picture fat, middle aged people having sex.  Sitting in bathtubs, watching television, “Get off of my Television.”

    “HEY, MARGARET…WANNA GET FREAKY?”

    “NOT UNLESS YOU CAN POKE THROUGH THE SIDE OF THIS BATHTUB, YOU CREEPY BASTARD”

    6:10:20 a.m. –    TODAY IS THE WY-MAN’S BIRTHDAY!!  Wyatt Imus is 16 years old today.  It seems like it was only yesterday when the young man was still a baby, roping and tying the dog.  The Boss waxes nostalgic for a moment, revealing how much he not only LOVES his son, but actually LIKES him as well.  He’s funny, has interesting, has a unique take on the World…in short, all the reasons why we like him better than his father.

    THE HEIR TO THE THRONE AND THE QUEEN OF THE ‘I-NASTY’ (RHYMES WITH ‘DYNASTY’)

    6:13:14 a.m. – Imus lets his audience know that the great Dick Gregory will be a guest, and shows the Nike Commercial for Kevin Durant, called ‘The Baddest’, which features Mr. Gregory quite prominently, as the wise, old, adorable grandfather on the porch.  It’s an AMAZING spot, featuring Basketball Legends George ‘The Iceman’ Gervin, Chris Mullen, with shout outs to Artis Gilmore and Connie Hawkins.  What’s the I-Man’s take on the spot?  “Hey, Bigfoot!  Find out who that Black Cowboy is in that commercial.”  We’re not sure, but it could very well be Nat Love, was nicknamed ‘Deadwood Dick’.  Co-incidentally, that’s’ also what Deirdre calls The I-Man every once in awhile.

    THE CHAPS MAY BE COVERING IT, BUT WE DON’T THINK DEADWOOD DICK EVER HAD ANY ‘DEAD WOOD’

    6:20:40 a.m. –  The I-Man asks Lori Rothman if she has any July 4th plans…she said she’s hoping for some Fireworks.  And not just those from Grucci that they set off over the Hudson River…hinting that MR. Rothman, or ‘Frodo’ as he is so affectionately named here on the program, better be packing a Roman Candle and get ready to ‘Rock the Shire’…get ready to make some Hot Hobbit Hoo Hoo with his Lady Troll.

    FRODO AND FRODETTE GETTING THEIR FREAK ON, WHICH WILL BE DIFFICULT, AS YOU WILL NOTICE, DUE TO THE FACT THAT HE IS PANTLESS, MR. ROTHMAN IS ‘BEREFT OF A BOTTLE ROCKET’… UNLESS IT’S AN ‘INNIE’, YOU KNOW, LIKE ONE OF THOSE POP-UP TIMERS ON AN OVEN STUFFER ROASTER

    6:37:07 a.m. – Dick Gregory is on giving his brilliant perspective on ‘Freedom Summer’, and shares with us the courage it took to go to the heart of Mississippi during the Civil Rights Movement.  He relates that when they first integrated the Holiday Inn in the heart of KKK Country, he was greeted by the World’s Innkeeper with a sign posted on the marquis outside:  “Welcome Dick Gregory, Room 702”

    JACKSON MISSISSIPPI WELCOMES THE GREAT DICK GREGORY  (cir.1963)

    7:05:28 a.m. –  The I-Man calls Connell “The Biggest Pussy On The Planet”.  Oh, snap.  That’s really not fair.  There are 7.046 billion people here on Earth.  There’s GOT to be some Chinese guy who’s a bigger one than Connell.

    BRUCE LEE, NOT HAPPY BEING FORCED TO MEET ‘THE BIGGEST PUSSY IN CHINA ’

    7:07:14 a.m  –  I-Man is intrigued by Megyn Kelly’s new ‘do, saying that it looks like a ‘Joe Dirt’ Mullet.  You know, ‘Business in the Front…PARTY in the back.’   That’s pretty much how we would sum up Megyn Kelly.

    “DAAAAAANG”

    7:39:34 a.m. – ‘Mensa Meeting’   The quotes are in honor of Gunz, who, when the segment about scientists’ maintaining that eating insects would reduce Greenhouse Gasses, says that he would “Eat Bugs.  Gimme a whole bowl of ‘em.”  Which for Gunz, could technically be considered ‘Cannibalism’.

    GUNZ LOADING UP ON THE BUFFET AT D-CON

    7:41:24 a.m. – When is the panel asked if they could be in any Rock Band, which one would it be?  Deirdre would be Pat Benatar, Gunz would be in Guns n’ Roses, (Natch) Bernie would be in ‘The Pussycat Dolls’ and Alan Colmes wonders “Why nobody wouldn’t want to be in The Beatles?”  We always thought Murray the K was the 5th Beatle, but we would’ve loved it if it had been John, Paul, George, Ringo and ‘Alan’. 

    ‘THE FUNNY ONE’, ‘THE QUIET ONE’, ‘THE SMART ONE’, ‘THE CUTE ONE’

    AND  ‘THE FERRET-FACED ONE’.   HE PLAYED THE OBOE

    8:06:32 a.m. – The I-Man puts Lori Rothman on the spot, asking her to predict what the Jobs Report will be.  212,000 New Employments she says, while the Unemployment Rate will stay steady at 6.3 % Which means Frodo will still be a deadbeat, causing Lori to continue being the Breadwinner of the Rothman Family.

    LORI AND FRODO IN HAPPIER TIMES

    8:09:18 a.m. – The I-Man discusses the New York Times article, which wonders why Dick Cheney is appearing EVERYWHERE, the Ubiquitous Presence of Evil.  Imus wonders why Mr. Cheney won’t take the advice of one of his favorite Dicks, (Along with Dick Gregory) Dick Cavett.  Who so brilliantly observed, after the death of David Frost, “Why is it never Dick Cheney?”   We agree, and wonder why one of these reporters doesn’t attempt to interview the Pace-Maker wearing former Vice President at a 7-11, directly in front of someone microwaving a burrito.

    ANOTHER BACON WRAPPED PORK CHOP, MR. CHENEY?

    8:38:14 a.m. – Alan Colmes’ (The 5th Beatle) Sister-In-Law, Monica Crowley is on to defend Dick Cheney.  Which is quite lovely of h….WHAT?  WAIT A MINUTE!  SHE’S DEFENDING THIS CREEP?  KID TOUCHERS don’t even want to be in the same room with this guy.  What, does she think Jeffrey Dahmer just had an Eating Disorder?    

    ‘IL DUCE’, WHICH, WE BELIEVE, IS ITALIAN FOR ‘THE DOUCHE’

    SURE, HE WAS AN EVIL DICTATOR…BUT MONICA WANTS US TO KNOW THAT NOT ONLY DID HE MAKE THE TRAINS RUN ON TIME, HE ALSO MADE A GREAT SPAGHETTI CARBONARA

    8:42:145 a.m. – The Boss concludes his interview with Ms. Crowley with the kind sentiments, “I think I’m okay with HR by saying you’re a very attractive woman, and…God Bless you, but you’re wrong about EVERYTHING.”  If that’s what ‘Wrong About Everything’ looks like…we don’t wanna be right.

    A FACE LIKE THAT COULD JUST MAKE US CHANGE OUR MINDS…ABOUT BENITO MUSSOLINI. BUT NOT DICK CHENEY.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

     

    SOMETHING FOR THE BIRTHDAY BOY 

    BUT FIRST, “A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR”: MR. DICK GREGORY

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbqsYmdWzeI 

     

    AND NOW, SOME GUNS N’ ROSES AND AC/DC

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZY03tEIDKA

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEPmA3USJdI

    Wednesday
    Jul022014

    Lis' Mystery Man

    6:05:10 a.m. –   Doug Crispin, Imus’ Horse-Shoer (You remember, this is the guy who maintains that “The Eagles aren’t as good as Fleetwood Mac.”) says that he can remember what he was doing when he was four years old.  The I-Man is incredulous.  He can’t remember what he was doing at 64.  Not that it would be all that hard to guess what you’re doing at 4…basically picking your nose,  going to the ‘Potty’ for the first time and wearing your ‘Big Boy Pants’ 

     “MOMMY?  DO NOT OPEN THAT LID!”

    6:13:14 a.m. –  Lucinda, the Imus family dog, who, single-handedly…(or is that Single-pawedly?) took down the ‘Ritzy Canine’, had an ‘episode’ last night.  The I-Man woke up 2 A.M. last night…hiding in the closet.  Imus says it’s because she’s afraid of thunder.  Poor baby.  But waking up at 2 AM and finding a dog in a closet is certainly better than waking up at 2 AM and finding a Joseph Abboud in the closet.  Of course, we are referring to those fine sports jackets.

    NOTHING WORSE THAN A HEADLESS JOSEPH ABBOUD MODEL IN YOUR CLOSET

    6:28:30 a.m. – Bernie plays a clip of Megan Kelly, sporting her new hairdo, which, some say, make her look like Bon Jovi.

    MEGYN KELLY “LIVIN’ ON A PRAYER”

    6:37:07 a.m. – Historian Doug Brinkley is the guest.  His book, The Nixon Tapes comes out July 28thOf course, a book like that should be a ‘Book on Tape’, read by Rich Little.  He says there are excerpts that have never been made public before.  We wonder what those could possibly be.  Maybe singing the Archies’ “Sugar Sugar”…and that was the tape he thought he told Rosemary Woods to erase.  Doug asks if Imus has been to the Amon Carter Museum of American Art in Fort Worth.  He says that it has the world’s best collection of Frederic Remington and Charles M. Russell paintings.  So…you folks out there make your travel plans right now.  Don’t forget to stop by the Largest Ball Of String Museum on the way.

    REMINGTON’S FAMOUS “LONGHORNS PLAYING POKER” PAINTING

    7:01:02 a.m. – Connell reads a story about a more vigorous enforcement of the city ordinance prohibiting pole dancing on New York City Subways.  Which means Lis Wiehl will have to moonlight doing something else.

    LIS ON THE #4 TRAIN JUST BEFORE THE UTICA AVENUE STATION IN BROOKLYN

    7:07:24 a.m  –  Lori Rothman continues her attempt to throw Ms. Wiehl under the bus…well, ‘throw’ is not exactly the correct phrase…she drove Lis to the depot and tied her to the front axle.  Imus asks if the gentleman with whom Lis attended Geri Willis’ BBQ was her new boyfriend, and Lori answers, “I don’t know who he is…he could be just a friend, or an acquaintance, or somebody Lis picked up on a street corner.”  Now, Lori, are you suggesting that Ms. Wiehl is…a CAB DRIVER? 

    WHAT LIS HAS TO DO NOW THAT THE POLE DANCING IN THE SUBWAY IS ILLEGAL

    7:26:52 a.m. – Not 30 seconds after Deirdre enters the Studio out at the Ranch, Imus complains that he’s not feeling well.  She calls him on it, saying that he’s not sick, although we notice that he always seems to develop symptoms whenever she walks in the room.  It’s obviously psychosomatic.  We can relate.  We find ourselves not feeling well whenever he walks into a room. 

    THE COLLECTIVE STAFFS OF WABC RADIO AND FOX BUSINESS TELEVISION

    7:35:24 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE!!!  The Number One Rated Segment of the Week…on television.  Because you can turn down the sound and still enjoy it.  A LOT.  That doesn’t really work all that well on the radio.  Then again…it might work just fine.  Imus is never more fond of Deirdre than when she’s a panelist on the program, whether it’s B-O-B or Mensa Meeting, or even filling in on ‘Hollywood & Vine’.  And it’s not just for the HUGE ratings boost.  It’s because he actually has the ability to turn off her microphone. 

    OOOOH YEAH…

    7:36:24 a.m. – Lis says that she did, in fact, pick up her date for the BBQ on a street corner.  He was a Homeless Man, she figured, he was hungry, she was going to a cookout, Win Win.

    LIS’ ESCORT AT HIS JOB. 

    7:44:08 a.m. –  One of the topics for BOB is a new Anti-Gun PSA, urging parents to lock up their weapons, in which two boys are playing with dildos as if they were Light Sabers, with the voiceover, “If they find it, they’ll play with it.”  Deirdre asks Lis if her son ever found hers.  Lis insures the D-Woman, “Absolutely not”.   Because it’s hiding in plain sight.  It’s brown and he thinks it’s a coffee table leg.

    LIS, LOOKING PARTICULARLY SATISFIED, WHILE HER SON CALLS FROM THE LIVING ROOM: “HEY MOM.  THE COFFEE TABLE’S REALLY UNEVEN.”

    8:06:32 a.m. – The Boss promos that Hannah Storm is coming up.  Deirdre, Lis, Hannah… This is almost too many Hot Babes for one show.  We’d almost have trouble walking if it weren’t for the visual ‘palate cleanser’ that is the host of our fine program.

    THE ANTIDOTE TO VIAGRA

    8:09:18 a.m. – Gunz’ Man on the Street videos are played, one earlier, that, ‘Sucked’ and one just now, that was ‘…okay.’  Both assessments…a consensus.  Except for the second one…which we also think… ‘sucked’.  We are blamed for writing the questions, twenty of which, Gunz only used one.  And rewrote THAT one, totally missing the joke.  He asks a woman on the street what ‘Ramparts’ are, you know, from the National Anthem…those things over which we watched our ‘Star Spangled Banner’ so gallantly gleaming?  The woman correctly identifies them as barriers made to secure a fortress…and seeing as how the Flag WAS flying over Ft. McHenry, ( operative word being ‘fort’ )  Gunz, however, does not know what a Rampart is…he thinks it’s what you take to get off a highway onto a side road, and HE WROTE THE QUESTION!  We guess Irony doesn’t work with the stupid.  Not that Gunz is stupid.  Okay, he is.

                  A RAMPART                            A GUNZ

    WHICH ONE IS ON THE ‘MENSA MEETING’?  AND WHY?

    8:35:14 a.m. – Hannah Storm.  The I-Man makes the observation that when she’s talking to someone on TV, she seems as if she’s REPULSED by the person. Maybe the Boss is just watching clips of him interviewing her on ‘The Best of Imus’. 

    “ARE MY PEACHES…WHAT???  ARE YOU SERIOUS?  JESUS!  I’VE NEVER BEEN SO DISGUSTED IN MY LIFE!  AND I WORK WITH PATRICK MCENROE!”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    LUCINDA NEEDS A ‘THUNDER BUDDY’

    LIKE ‘TED’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEFt6BQuFJk

    Monday
    Jun302014

    The Wy-Man Joins the Panel!

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man congratulates his good friend, Michael Lindell, who, he affectionately refers to as ‘The Former Crackhead’, because My Pillow has been selected as the official pillow of the National Sleep Foundation.  We called the NSF to see if there was going to be an official ceremony…but there was no answer.

    THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS AT THE NATIONAL SLEEP FOUNDATION, HOLDING A MEETING. THEY WERE, OBVIOUSLY, USING ‘MY PILLOWS’

    6:08:16 a.m. –   The number one movie at the box office this weekend was ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction’ , and, according to the critics, ‘Stink’ was the operative word in ‘Extinction’.  It’s not what you think…it’s not about Robots who feel more comfortable in women’s clothes, or Robots who believe they were born Washing Machines.

    OPT-IMUS PRIME

    6:15:14 a.m. – Connell reads the story about US Marine Corporal Wassef Ali Hassoun, who went AWOL.  At first, we thought he went AOL…and were shocked as we didn’t think anybody still paid for Internet Service.  This leads the I-Man to relate story about his brother, Fred, who was a paratrooper in the 101st Airborne and was stationed in Wiesbaden Germany, and who, one day, decided he would go to Barcelona with some of his Army buddies.  They stayed for TWO MONTHS.  And when they got back, nobody said a word.  As opposed to Fred’s brother Don, who would’ve been noticed the first morning after he’d left, as the Marines would’ve all overslept.

    “ALRIGHT, MAGGOTS! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO REVEILLE?  AND WHERE THE $#@% IS PRIVATE IMUS?”

    6:29:07 a.m. – Bernie has tape of Greg Kelly, co-host with Rosanna Scotto, of ‘Good Day, New York’, Fox Five’s morning program, and some comments which are the subject of controversy.  Anna Gilligan, the attractive field reporter was live from Action Park Water Park, trying out the new ‘Tarzan’ Ride, clad in a bathing suit, which, we are sure, was good for some extra ratings.  Mr. Kelly made some comments that feminists, media bloggers, the aforementioned Ms. Scotto AND Ms. Gilligan’s parents, considered ‘inappropriate’.  And, as we all know, objectification of women is…a bad thing.  But damn, girlfriend looked HHHHOOOOT, climbing out of that pool, all wet…all that was missing was slow motion and the soundtrack to a John Hughes movie.

    ANNA GILLIGAN.  SHE SHOULD’VE GONE INTO THE POOL IN A BUSINESS SUIT

    6:37:07 a.m. – Ed Henry, Chief White House Correspondent for Fox News, is on the phone, to discuss the appointment of Robert McDonald as the new head of the Veterans Administration.  He’s the former Chairman and CEO of Procter and Gamble.  We don’t know if he’s going to do a better job for the veterans than his predecessor, but we do know this:  They’ll certainly be much cleaner and smell better.

    MCDONALD’S FIRST ATTEMPT TO CLEAN UP THE VETERAN’S ADMINISTRATION

    7:05:28 a.m. – Lori Rothman reports that she attended a BBQ at Geri Willis’ house.  Geri, another of The Fine Fox Foxes, is Lori’s neighbor.  None other than Lis Wiehl was also ‘In the House’.  In a pair of shorts.  We don’t want to objectify women but… the GGILF be lookin’ fine in a pair o’ shorts.

    C’MON, LIS.  THOSE BOOTY SHORTS ARE SO LAST SEASON

    7:17:24 a.m  –  “There’s a lot of things where the Pope should just ‘Butt Out’.”  The I-Man weighs in on Connell’s story, in which, Pope Francis asked Iraq leaders to use dialogue to avoid further warfare.   

    “TELL THAT A-HOLE IMUS THAT HE SHOULD ‘BUTT OUT’.  THIS IS MY JOB.  I DON’T GO WHERE HE WORKS AND TELL HIM HOW TO READ ‘MY PILLOW’ SPOTS.  MORON.”

    7:39:34 a.m. – “Might Be Elvis”   starring Tony Powell, Trevor Watrous, Lou Rufino and Gunz Gunzelman.   Special Guest, WYATT IMUS fills in for Dagen McDowell!  First up is one of Deirdre Imus’ new 5 Favorite Songs.  Guns & Roses “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door”.   The panel agrees with Imus.  They think it’s great.  Yah.  We only wish Axl Rose WERE Knockin’ on Heaven’s door.  Nevertheless, it’s added to the Imus Power Rotation.  Next is AC/DC’s ‘What Do You Do For Money Honey?’   We can’t believe these guys actually do THAT for a living.  Jesus.  Brian Johnson sounds like a cat being dragged behind a dumptruck.  But, yet again, the whole panel agrees ‘You Can’t Go Wrong With AC/DC’.   Then Zac Brown’s ‘Colder Weather’ is played. The gentleman in the song, apparently, is a ‘Ramblin’ Man’ with a ‘Gypsy Soul’ and ‘He ain’t never comin’ back’.  If only.  He should get caught in an avalanche. Tony wishes he gets frostbite so his fingers would fall off and he can’t play guitar anymore. Once again, the panel is in concordance.  Fortunately, they agree with us.  Maroon 5’s ‘Maps’ also receives a negative review.  Adam Levine should stick to making commercials for Pimple Cream.   The panel is split on Imagine Dragons’ ‘Working Man’.  Trevor, Lou and Tony are not fans.  Wyatt and Gunz love the record.  These kids today.

    ZAC BROWN.  GEE, THAT’S A SHAME.

    7:42:11 a.m. – The Wy-Man is a great addition to the panel.  This Thursday, the young man turns ‘Sweet 16’.  Amazing.  What a well-adjusted, smart, funny, kind individual.  What’s even more amazing is that he’s the ‘Fruit of the Loins’ of two people who are, basically, insane. 

    SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY…WHEN THE YOUNG LAD WOULD NEVER EVEN THINK OF PUTTING A KINK IN HIS FATHER’S OXYGEN HOSE.  NOW, HE’S IN CHARGE OF CHASING AFTER HIS DAD WHEN HE ‘WANDERS OFF’

    8:06:32 a.m. – More on Lori Rothman’s evening at the Willis BBQ.  We got the menu and the guest list and learned that Lis, who we thought was not currently attached to a man, managed to glom onto one this weekend.  It’s a good thing she booked him last weekend, cos’ the service has no ‘Gentleman Avails’ due to the Holiday Weekend.  Lori reported that the couple ‘Worked the Room’ individually, holding ‘Secular’ conversations.  We think she meant ‘Separate’ or ‘Singular’ conversations, because we doubt that while Lis was chatting she was consciously avoiding religious subjects.   In fact, we heard from another guest, that Lis was in the coat room at one point, screaming out The Lord’s name.  Because she was heard praying earlier in the evening…and, apparently, those prayers were answered.  Why did she choose the coat room?  Well when the ‘spirit’ hits you…the ‘spirit’ hits you.

    “HEY LIS?  LIS?  ARE YOU IN THERE?”

    8:22:14 a.m. – ESPN Reporter for the World Cup, Mike Tarico, needs a geography lesson.  During the game, he made reference to ‘The Island Nation of Costa Rica’.  Um…Mike?  Costa Rica, unlike ‘Puerto Rica’  isn’t an island.  It’s in Central America.  No, you idiot, not Kansas City or Milwaukee, it’s between Nicaragua and Panama.  It has water on only 2 sides, where an island has water…on ALL sides.  Like your brain.

    FYI, MIKE:  THE COSTA RICAN ‘COLON’ IS THEIR CURRENCY, NOT SOMETHING THEY GET CHECKED EVERY YEAR FOR POLYPS 

    8:40:24 a.m. – James Carville is on the phone.  Imus has been referring him all day as someone he admires for his intelligence, loyalty and integrity.  He asks Carville why he chose, as one of his Five Favorite Songs, Fats Domino’s ‘Going To The River’.  James says that the river defines the culture of Louisiana, and as the man in the song has lost his woman he’s going to get on a boat jump overboard and drown.  Seems like a lot of extra steps to us.  You’re already at the River, why not just jump in?  Off a bridge or something.  You’d save the rental on the boat.  AND not worry about who’s going to return it.  But maybe you’re using the boat in the first place because you’re hoping to be stopped by some Shrimp Fisherman.  Because the last thing he needs is some fat, bloated, brokenhearted dead guy getting caught in his nets.  Although, it WOULD be good bait for crab.  You know what they say, when Life gives you lemons, buy some tartar sauce.

    “HEY DOOLEY?  THERE’S A FAT GUY IN HERE.  HE’S SINGING ‘BLUEBERRY HILL’!  CAN WE KEEP HIM?  OR DO WE HAVE TO THROW HIM BACK?”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    MICHAEL LINDELL, WITH A SIZING GUIDE FOR

     THE ‘OFFICIAL PILLOW OF THE NATIONAL SLEEP ASSOCIATION’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkCBr8bkxjI

    Friday
    Jun272014

    USA!

    6:05:10 a.m. –     “Soccer Sucks!”  The I-Man makes his official pronouncement.  Finally.  We’re glad he’s come to his senses, and despite his credo, “If it’s a sporting event, and it’s on TV, I’ll watch it.”, he’s vowing to stop paying attention to The World Cup.  Connell mutters that  “The  I-Man sucks.”   Oooooooooh…no he di-int.  When did McShane’s other testicle drop?  News Boy suddenly grew a pair. 

    CONNELL…FEELING FEISTY. 

    6:13:14 a.m. – “Ross Perot: Dead or Alive?”  The I-Man’s On-Air Pop Quiz is given to the staff.  Who all, miraculously, get it right.  Ol’ World Class Ross is 84 today.  Happy Birthday, you Dumbo-Eared Midget Wackjob .

    ROSS PEROT BACK IN 1992 WITH HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER

    AND AS HE IS TODAY, LAUGHING AT A JOKE ONE OF THE VOICES IN HIS HEAD TOLD HIM

    6:20:30 a.m. –  The I-Man tells Warner to take his time with the Sports, in fact, “Take all the time you want.”   Which is like inviting Gabriel Iglesias to an ‘All You Can Eat Buffet’.

    “SORRY, MR. IGLESIAS…YOU’VE EATEN EVERYTHING. YOU CAN STOP LOOKING NOW, BECAUSE  THERE IS NO MORE FOOD.

    6:37:07 a.m. – The I-Man informs Paul Begala, our first guest, that he doesn’t need him any more, as Bill Powers, the President of The University of Texas, is now a close, personal friend.  Kind of like the way Begala used to be a close, personal friend to President Bill Clinton.  Although, it’s not like Begala was that great a friend to Imus in the first place.  He never once took Imus’ Ick-Stained Jeans to the Dry Cleaners.  (Which, by the way, was the only time they didn’t need extra starch)

    PAUL BEGALA AT A PRESS EVENT ( L ) AND PLAYING WITH HIS BAND ‘SEE NO EVIL’ ( R )

    7:05:28 a.m. – Imus says that Lori Rothman, who is in for Dagen McDowell, is ‘Grumpy in the Morning’.  Earlier, she made the Quintessential Breach of Protocol, the Faux Pas of calling the Imus Ranch…a ‘Camp’.  Let’s get something straight here, sweetheart, okay?  The Ranch is a Working Cattle Ranch for Kids with Cancer who do chores and learn how to ride and rope cattle.  Not a bunch of cabins on a lake in Maine where they do Arts n’ Crafts, and roast weenies while singing idiotic songs by the campfire.

    THE RANCH

    A STUPID CAMP

    7:11:23 a.m. – –  Warner continues reporting Sports.  He has no idea they’ve turned his microphone off and none of this is going out on the air.  However, he just reported that Pro-Bowling Champion Earl Anthony has switched to a fingertip grip  ball.  

    I ALWAYS PUT IN ‘JUST THE TIP’

    7:35:34 a.m. – Vinnie From Queens.  Nat was wrapped in The American Flag, showing his support of the USA Soccer Team.  At least it’s a step up from wearing a Bobby Bonilla Jersey. 

    NAT.  WEARING THE FLAG.  AND A WIG. AND FAKE BREASTS.

    7:41:24 a.m. – Kevin Magee has sent the I-Man a stern Email, chastising The Boss for not shaving. Interestingly enough, he says nothing about Imus’ hair, which looks like he shampooed it in a toilet.

    SOMEHOW, THIS IS OKAY WITH KEVIN MAGEE

    8:06:32 a.m. – Imus wonders aloud why he missed last year’s World Cup.  Warner provides a little illuminating information.  “Um…it’s only every four years.”  Which is probably the reason why The I-Man missed the Summer Olympics last year.  And why he assumed there was a February 29th this year.

    LAST YEAR’S WORLD CUP.  IMUS HAD FIRST ROW MID-FIELD SEATS.  TOO BAD HE MISSED IT.

    8:07:14 a.m. - Warner is STILL doing the Sports.  The Sheboygan Tiddlywink Finals ended up in a sudden death overtime.  In an exciting round of play, Stan Wishinski ultimately defeated Anatoly Cerlynkin.

    IF YOU HAD CERLYNKIN IN 3…YOU LOST!

    8:09:18 a.m. – Gunz reveals that he was bar-hopping during yesterday’s US/Germany World Cup Game.  “Why would you change bars?”  Imus asks.  “Because I get bored” comes Gunz reply.  The I-Man used to change bars, sometimes 30 or 40 a night.  But that was only because he was being thrown out of all of them.

    THE I-MAN.  IN THE PROCESS OF CHANGING BARS.  CIRCA 1979

    8:14:28 a.m. – Warner…continues.   He’s taken this ‘Sports Report Mandate’ from the I-Man VERY seriously.  We think we just heard him, off-mike, giving the scores from the International Invitational Intramural Tetherball Pro-Am in Manhattan, Kansas.

    PROMPTLY AFTER LOSING TO NATASHA RONYUOVA, AMERICAN TETHERBALL TEAM CAPTAIN KYLE NEWBRIDGE HUNG HIMSELF FROM THE SAME POLE

    8:21:14 a.m. –  Imus reports that this week’s ‘Blonde on Blonde’ garnered the program some of its’ highest ratings…EVER.  Lis Wiehl emails, trying to take credit for the spike.  The I-Man wonders, “What are you, NUTS?  You leave like you’re Rodney King after every edition.”    We’re not sure if he means that she’s beaten senseless by Deirdre, or she drives home, hammered, being chased by local police.

    LIS, ON THE WAY HOME FROM BLONDE ON BLONDE

    8:38:14 a.m. – Mike Lupica is on.  Mike is our 2nd Favorite Sports Reporter, (Who’s our first, you ask?  C’mon.  How long have you been a fan of the program and you don’t know the standard ‘funny’ answer to that question?  Okay…wait for it…. Here we go… ‘Everybody else’.  Boom!  Don’t forget to tip your waitresses.) Mike is on to discuss the NBA Draft, and possible destinations for Carmelo Anthony and Le Bron James.  We like Turks and Caicos.  Or ‘Las Brisas’ in Acapulco.  Or the Cayman Islands, to visit all the off-shore accounts.  But it will probably wind up being only a trip to the Strip Club.  Where they will ‘Make it Rain’.  Between Mike and Lori, it looks like ‘Take Your Toddler To Work Day’ here on the Imus in the Morning Program.

    LORI AND LUPY.  TOGETHER AT LAST.  GOOD THING WE HAVE ENOUGH STEPSTOOLS

    8:59:14 a.m. – The Television portion of the program concludes.  Warner, however, does not.  He is like a runaway nuclear reactor.  You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him.  But, apparently, there has been a ruling on the ‘Penalty’ given to the U.S. Double Dutch team.  The rope was declared illegal, not sanctioned by the IFDDJ, The International Federation of Double Dutch Jumpers.

    “CHANGE THE RULE!  IF YOU USE COTTON ROPES INSTEAD OF NYLON, YOU FORFEIT!”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IT’S NOT EASY BEING A SPORTSCASTER.  THAT’S WHY WE’RE GRATEFUL FOR WARNER WOLF

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTyz9BgxCxo