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Deirdre's Corner

 Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Congress must make Chemical Safety Act live up to its name

by Deirdre Imus - The Frank R. Lautenberg Chemical Safety Act for the 21st Century has a nice ring to it. Named for the late, longtime New Jersey Senator who passed away in 2013, the bill, championed in the Senate by Republican David Vitter and Democratic Tom Udall, would reform the Toxic Substances Control Act of 1976 (TSCA). It is a shame that both the current and proposed legislation fall far short of their lofty names, and that countless Americans have suffered, are suffering, will suffer as a result.  Read more...

Deirdre Imus on Your World with Neil Cavuto - Little Caesars now selling pizza with bacon-wrapped crust

 

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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    Friday
    Feb282014

    The Camp New Joy Radiothon

    6:05:10 a.m. – Today the I-Man lends his considerable power and influence to an endeavor, so worthy… ‘It’s stupid’, to quote the I-Man.  The idea’s not stupid…it’s just stupid nobody tried to come up with this idea before.  The Reverend Jonathan Mason, our Sales Czar at WABC, has created “Camp New Joy”, a place where kids who have no role models, and are defined by just their zip code, will be given a ‘Hand Up’ and not a ‘Hand Out’.  They will be provided with structure and discipline, and have their self-esteem restored.  The number to call is 1-855-6 New Joy.  (Or 855-663-9569)  Or Text 56512, or go to http://www.campnewjoy.org/

    THE REVEREND JONATHAN MASON

    6:06:12 a.m. –   Connell reads the news, and plays a clip of the inspirational speech President Obama gave at the White House yesterday for his “My Brother’s Keeper Initiative” for young men of color.  In the speech, he relates his experience as a troubled teen.  “I got high.” He shares.  “Pretty good, a President of the United States admitting he got high” the I-Man observes.  No, “I tried it, I didn’t like it, and I didn’t inhale” jive from Obama.  The President has demonstrated the concept of… “If you can’t find a role model…BE one.”

    “UNLIKE SOME POLITICIANS, I CAN ADMIT A MISTAKE” – NELSON MANDELA

    THE PRESIDENT INSPIRES AMERICA’S YOUTH THROUGH THE BENEFIT OF HIS OWN EXPERIENCE

    6:30:01 a.m. – The I-Man and the Rev discuss the late, great G.E. Patterson, a truly gifted preacher, one who, the Rev admits, he has been inspired by, as well.  The only difference is, when the Rev says he’s been ‘inspired’ by Bishop Patterson, he means he’s copped some sermon ideas.  In other words, he’s stealing material.  From a dead Preacher.  Well, it’s not like Bishop Patterson’s going to do anything about it now. 

    “LORD, FORGIVE BROTHER MASON…FOR HE KNOWS NOT WHAT HE DOES. 

    THAT’S RIGHT…HE’S STUPID!”

    6:40:46 a.m. – Alvin Darling and Celebration perform.  Reverend Mason has brought some Church up in here.  A pretty good way to start the morning.  After listening to them…you don’t need any coffee.

    AMEN.

    7:12:15 a.m. –  Just when we thought we were going to have a ‘Rodeo Free’ day, the I-Man is talking about Joe Beaver and ‘The American’.  Again.  It pains us to say this, but we would rather listen to him tell the ‘Mama T’ story again.  We will call 1-855-New Joy…and pledge ANYTHING…just to get him to shut up.

    70 YEAR OLD BARREL RACER, JUNE HOLEMAN, HAS QUALIFIED FOR ‘THE AMERICAN’

    (MS. HOLEMAN IS ON THE LEFT)

    7:17:34 a.m. –  Cowboy Tuf Cooper, (Son of Roper Roy Cooper, and A Certified Pantload by the I-Man) has guaranteed a win at ‘The American’ this Sunday.  “Losing is not an option.”  He says.  Um…Tuf?  Losing is ALWAYS an option.  And one you might find you’re forced to take on Sunday.  It’s not pretty when you’re taunted by a Calf:  “Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah…you MISSED me!”

    HEY TUF!  WHERE’S THE BIKER, THE COP, THE INDIAN AND THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER?

    7:46:34 a.m. – Alvin Darling and ‘Celebration’ perform ‘America The Beautiful’.  After that rendition, Vladimir Putin would apply for U.S. Citizenship.

    “I NEVER KNEW THAT FREEDOM…COULD MAKE A MAN SING LIKE THAT.”

    8:26:14 a.m. – MORE Alvin Darling and ‘Celebration’.  There hasn’t been this much joy and positive energy in the studio…since…EVER.   The I-Man might just spontaneously combust.  And not in the ‘Gay’ Way.

    HELLFIRE!  THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!  OUT, DEMON, OUT! 

    9:05:10 A.M. -   Imus wants Tony to come up with a ‘Rap Name’ for him.  ‘Walk D.O.A.’, ‘CWA: ‘Cowboys With Attitude’ and ‘Old Stupid Bastard’ don’t feel right…then…blinding inspiration:

    ‘Old Wheezy’

    “IT’S LIKE A NURSING HOME, SOMETIMES…IT MAKES ME WONDER…HOW I KEEP FROM GOIN’ UNDER.”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A LITTLE PRAISE SONG TO SET YOU OFF ON YOUR WEEKEND

    COURTESY OF ALVIN DARLING AND ‘CELEBRATION’

     

    DON’T FORGET TO CALL

    1-855-6 New Joy.  (855-663-9569)

    Or Text 56512,

    Or Go to http://www.campnewjoy.org/

     

    Thursday
    Feb272014

    The American

    6:05:10 a.m. –    If you live in Carley’s building…EVACUATE NOW.  Seems our lovely Associate Producer, Ms. Shimkus, left her apartment with her ‘Hair Straightener’ still plugged in and on.  She’s fretting, fearing that the place will surely go up in flames before she gets home.  She needn’t worry, as she left it on a pile of oily rags…they’ll certainly keep it insulated.  Still, she is going to call her Super to go into her apartment where…he will most certainly turn it off, and then go try on all her underwear.

    CARLEY’S SUPER:  “THE HAIR STRAIGHTENER IS OFF…NOW I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT’S HOT”

    6:06:12 a.m. –   Imus announces a new segment, tentatively titled:  “Might Be Elvis”, in which a panel will review four records, a country single, a pop single, a rock single and a hip hop single.  The panel will consist of Rob, Lou, Dagen, Tony and Trevor, our sound man, who plays a blistering ‘Stevie Ray Vaughan’ style guitar.  The I-Man decides that the panel has one too many participants.  Hmmmmm we wonder who’s going to go?  The Girl?  The Guy Who Chooses the Music on the Program, The Man whose ethnic heritage is richly steeped in rhythm…or the guy who can make a guitar speak?   Looks like the fat bastard who got kicked off ‘Hollywood & Vine’ is going to add “Might Be Elvis” to his list of ‘Previous Employment’ entries.

    “LET’S SEE WHO’S THE NUMBER TWO LOSER ON THE IMUS PROGRAM…UP FROM NUMBER THREE, IT’S….ROB WITH A BULLET!”

    6:18:36 a.m. –. Lori Rothman is, once again, caught with food in her mouth.  For somebody who weighs 40 pounds, this girl eats like a 385 pound Right Tackle…going to the Electric Chair.  She picks her teeth on camera…and a ham falls out.  She’s got the metabolism of a fruit fly. 

    “WAIT A SECOND…I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE BUFFET TABLE…”

    6:40:46 a.m. –. Joe Beaver is on to discuss ‘The American’, the Two Million Dollar U.S. Open of Rodeo, sponsored by RFD.  17 Cowboys rope a calf and then the top four advance to the finals to rope another calf and then the best of those four wins the money.  I’ll be darned.

    THE BOTTOM FOUR CALVES…WIN A TRIP TO THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE.  TRY THE VEAL, IT’S THE BEST IN TEXAS

    7:03:06 a.m. – The I-Man wants to know why all weather guys are such freaks.  From Tex Antoine on down…Willard Scott singing Happy Birthday to Centenarians, Al Roker pooping his pants at the White House…Lloyd Lindsay Young, “Helloooooooo…Piscataway!”

    AND THEN YOU HAVE THIS GUY, WHO IS WEARING A LACE BUSTIER UNDER THAT SUIT, AND FINDS IT VERY DIFFICULT TO PARK IN HIS OWN DRIVEWAY

    7:15:34 a.m. –  Dagen reports that Sandra Bullock stands to make upwards of 70 million dollars off ‘Gravity’…and that she doesn’t need no Tattooed Biker, when she’s got Money to keep her warm and not cheat on her.  Which is good…because at 49 years old, ‘Gravity’ is beginning to take its’ toll…and the money will be a big selling point when looking for dates.

    SANDRA BULLOCK:  BOY, THAT ‘GRAVITY’ IS A BITCH

    7:18:36 a.m. –   Gunz, (Who is filling in for Warner) reports that Larry King will be ‘Talking Sports’ on “Sportsnet L.A”   “Larry King: At Bat” will be the name of the show, and he will interview various Baseball Players.  The I-Man wonders if one of the guests will be a certain Little League Coach who’s been in Larry’s wife’s dugout.

    I TOOK THAT LITTLE BLUE PILL…AND IT CORKED MY BAT.”

    (THE OTHER BONUS IS THAT THE BAT DOUBLES AS A CANE)

    7:40:37 a.m. –  Mensa Meeting.  The I-Man asks the panel, in lieu of the Kerry Kennedy DUI case, whether or not Kennedy’s should continue to be allowed to drive.  Gunz says ‘I’d rather be Rhianna riding in the passenger seat of Chris Brown’s car, than take a lift from a Kennedy’. 

    ONE OF THE KENNEDYS OUT FOR A SUNDAY DRIVE

    8:03:06 a.m. –  The I-Man discusses the “Might Be Elvis” segment again, and pushes Rob to the point where he, unfortunately, refers to Trevor, the Sound Engineer of the program, as ‘The Help’.  It was obviously a faux pas on Rob’s part.  We’re sure he didn’t mean to say ‘The Help’.  He meant to say ‘The Servants’

    THE ‘CREW’ FROM THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM ON FOX BUSINESS

    8:27:54 a.m. – During the Bernie Briefing, we learn there is a new malady, caused by constant looking down on Cell Phones while reading emails and texting.  It’s called ‘Tech Neck’.  So now we finally know what the I-Man suffers from:  “Telegraph Neck.”  From looking down on the guys finger typing out the morse code.

    DON’T DO THIS… OR YOU’LL LOOK LIKE THIS

      

    DON’T DO THIS… OR YOU’LL LOOK LIKE THIS

    8:41:54 a.m. –  The I-Man interviews Mike Lupica, who is on to promote his new book: GAME CHANGERS: HEAVY HITTERS another one of his inspirational, uplifting, ‘IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU WIN OR LOSE AS LONG AS YOU TRY YOUR BEST’ books.  You know, those ‘Mad Lib’ things where he just plugs in different names and sports and locations, instead of adjectives, nouns and verbs.  We suppose he had a spare 20 minutes, and his lovely wife Taylor decided they needed another extension on the Mansion.   Anyway, Imus says that sometimes he gets so engrossed in a book, (Not one of Lupica’s obviously) that he won’t get up to go to the bathroom.  Notice he didn’t say that he didn’t go to the bathroom.  He DID go to the bathroom.  He just didn’t get up.   We have a name for this phenomenon:  “The Old Cowboy is ‘Riding Tall in the Saddle’”

    THE MIKE LUPICA ‘TEEN NOVEL-O-MATIC’ (PATENT PENDING)

    9:05:10 A.M. -   The I-Man promos what’s coming up… “Hey, Bunz…whaddya got?”  We’re not sure if he means ‘Bernie’ or ‘Gunz’.  We’re just glad we don’t have anybody named ‘Frank’ on the program…and that ‘Chuck’ is M.I.A.  That would be about as embarrassing as combining Blofeld and Oddjob.  (See what we did there?)

    PUT THEM BOTH TOGETHER, AND YOU GET…A LEWINSKY

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN ANTICIPATION OF THE NEW ‘MIGHT BE ELVIS’ SEGMENT, WE CELEBRATE THE DIVERSITY OF MUSICAL TASTES VIA A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT CONDUCTED BY DAVE CHAPPELLE AND JOHN MAYER

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xp3om8Zp5YA

    Thursday
    Feb272014

    The American

    6:05:10 a.m. –    If you live in Carley’s building…EVACUATE NOW.  Seems our lovely Associate Producer, Ms. Shimkus, left her apartment with her ‘Hair Straightener’ still plugged in and on.  She’s fretting, fearing that the place will surely go up in flames before she gets home.  She needn’t worry, as she left it on a pile of oily rags…they’ll certainly keep it insulated.  Still, she is going to call her Super to go into her apartment where…he will most certainly turn it off, and then go try on all her underwear.

    CARLEY’S SUPER:  “THE HAIR STRAIGHTENER IS OFF…NOW I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT’S HOT”

    6:06:12 a.m. –   Imus announces a new segment, tentatively titled:  “Might Be Elvis”, in which a panel will review four records, a country single, a pop single, a rock single and a hip hop single.  The panel will consist of Rob, Lou, Dagen, Tony and Trevor, our sound man, who plays a blistering ‘Stevie Ray Vaughan’ style guitar.  The I-Man decides that the panel has one too many participants.  Hmmmmm we wonder who’s going to go?  The Girl?  The Guy Who Chooses the Music on the Program, The Man whose ethnic heritage is richly steeped in rhythm…or the guy who can make a guitar speak?   Looks like the fat bastard who got kicked off ‘Hollywood & Vine’ is going to add “Might Be Elvis” to his list of ‘Previous Employment’ entries.

    “LET’S SEE WHO’S THE NUMBER TWO LOSER ON THE IMUS PROGRAM…UP FROM NUMBER THREE, IT’S….ROB WITH A BULLET!”

    6:18:36 a.m. –. Lori Rothman is, once again, caught with food in her mouth.  For somebody who weighs 40 pounds, this girl eats like a 385 pound Right Tackle…going to the Electric Chair.  She picks her teeth on camera…and a ham falls out.  She’s got the metabolism of a fruit fly. 

    “WAIT A SECOND…I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE BUFFET TABLE…”

    6:40:46 a.m. –. Joe Beaver is on to discuss ‘The American’, the Two Million Dollar U.S. Open of Rodeo, sponsored by RFD.  17 Cowboys rope a calf and then the top four advance to the finals to rope another calf and then the best of those four wins the money.  I’ll be darned.

    THE BOTTOM FOUR CALVES…WIN A TRIP TO THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE.  TRY THE VEAL, IT’S THE BEST IN TEXAS

    7:03:06 a.m. – The I-Man wants to know why all weather guys are such freaks.  From Tex Antoine on down…Willard Scott singing Happy Birthday to Centenarians, Al Roker pooping his pants at the White House…Lloyd Lindsay Young, “Helloooooooo…Piscataway!”

    AND THEN YOU HAVE THIS GUY, WHO IS WEARING A LACE BUSTIER UNDER THAT SUIT, AND FINDS IT VERY DIFFICULT TO PARK IN HIS OWN DRIVEWAY

    7:15:34 a.m. –  Dagen reports that Sandra Bullock stands to make upwards of 70 million dollars off ‘Gravity’…and that she doesn’t need no Tattooed Biker, when she’s got Money to keep her warm and not cheat on her.  Which is good…because at 49 years old, ‘Gravity’ is beginning to take its’ toll…and the money will be a big selling point when looking for dates.

    SANDRA BULLOCK:  BOY, THAT ‘GRAVITY’ IS A BITCH

    7:18:36 a.m. –   Gunz, (Who is filling in for Warner) reports that Larry King will be ‘Talking Sports’ on “Sportsnet L.A”   “Larry King: At Bat” will be the name of the show, and he will interview various Baseball Players.  The I-Man wonders if one of the guests will be a certain Little League Coach who’s been in Larry’s wife’s dugout.

    I TOOK THAT LITTLE BLUE PILL…AND IT CORKED MY BAT.”

    (THE OTHER BONUS IS THAT THE BAT DOUBLES AS A CANE)

    7:40:37 a.m. –  Mensa Meeting.  The I-Man asks the panel, in lieu of the Kerry Kennedy DUI case, whether or not Kennedy’s should continue to be allowed to drive.  Gunz says ‘I’d rather be Rhianna riding in the passenger seat of Chris Brown’s car, than take a lift from a Kennedy’. 

    ONE OF THE KENNEDYS OUT FOR A SUNDAY DRIVE

    8:03:06 a.m. –  The I-Man discusses the “Might Be Elvis” segment again, and pushes Rob to the point where he, unfortunately, refers to Trevor, the Sound Engineer of the program, as ‘The Help’.  It was obviously a faux pas on Rob’s part.  We’re sure he didn’t mean to say ‘The Help’.  He meant to say ‘The Servants’

    THE ‘CREW’ FROM THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM ON FOX BUSINESS

    8:27:54 a.m. – During the Bernie Briefing, we learn there is a new malady, caused by constant looking down on Cell Phones while reading emails and texting.  It’s called ‘Tech Neck’.  So now we finally know what the I-Man suffers from:  “Telegraph Neck.”  From looking down on the guys finger typing out the morse code.

    DON’T DO THIS… OR YOU’LL LOOK LIKE THIS

      

    DON’T DO THIS… OR YOU’LL LOOK LIKE THIS

    8:41:54 a.m. –  The I-Man interviews Mike Lupica, who is on to promote his new book: GAME CHANGERS: HEAVY HITTERS another one of his inspirational, uplifting, ‘IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU WIN OR LOSE AS LONG AS YOU TRY YOUR BEST’ books.  You know, those ‘Mad Lib’ things where he just plugs in different names and sports and locations, instead of adjectives, nouns and verbs.  We suppose he had a spare 20 minutes, and his lovely wife Taylor decided they needed another extension on the Mansion.   Anyway, Imus says that sometimes he gets so engrossed in a book, (Not one of Lupica’s obviously) that he won’t get up to go to the bathroom.  Notice he didn’t say that he didn’t go to the bathroom.  He DID go to the bathroom.  He just didn’t get up.   We have a name for this phenomenon:  “The Old Cowboy is ‘Riding Tall in the Saddle’”

    THE MIKE LUPICA ‘TEEN NOVEL-O-MATIC’ (PATENT PENDING)

    9:05:10 A.M. -   The I-Man promos what’s coming up… “Hey, Bunz…whaddya got?”  We’re not sure if he means ‘Bernie’ or ‘Gunz’.  We’re just glad we don’t have anybody named ‘Frank’ on the program…and that ‘Chuck’ is M.I.A.  That would be about as embarrassing as combining Blofeld and Oddjob.  (See what we did there?)

    PUT THEM BOTH TOGETHER, AND YOU GET…A LEWINSKY

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN ANTICIPATION OF THE NEW ‘MIGHT BE ELVIS’ SEGMENT, WE CELEBRATE THE DIVERSITY OF MUSICAL TASTES VIA A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT CONDUCTED BY DAVE CHAPPELLE AND JOHN MAYER

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xp3om8Zp5YA

    Wednesday
    Feb262014

    The Fat Man!

    6:05:10 a.m. –    The I-Man shares some disappointing news…America’s Child Obesity Rate has gone done 40 Percent in the past 10 years…causing him to observe that “We’re not even Number One in Fat Kids anymore.”  Obviously, he hasn’t been at a Chuck E. Cheese Lately.

    SO MUCH FOR ‘THEY’RE SO CUTE WHEN THEY’RE LITTLE’ 

    (THERE WAS A THIRD CHILD, BUT…THEY ATE HIM)

    6:06:12 a.m. –   imus shares that he and Sean Hannity had a ‘Richie Incognito Style’ email exchange.

    JUST INNOCUOUS BANTER BETWEEN FRIENDS

    6:16:32 a.m. –   Two upstate New Yorkers have been arrested for having sex with a cow, which begs the question… ‘Why have sex with a cow…when you can get the milk for free?”  Imus says “If you’re going to have sex with an animal…make it a horse…that way you’ve got a ride home.”

    “ELSIE?  YOU GOT A REALLLL PURTY MOUTH”

    6:22:44 a.m. –.  It’s Fats Domino’s Birthday today, and so we will be playing nothing but Fats Records this morning. Antoine Dominique Domino Jr. is 86 today.  So much for obesity being contraindicated with longevity.  We’re just thankful that it’s not ‘Skinny Domino’…he would’ve died at 26 like Janis, Jimi and Jim.

    “MORE BIRTHDAY CAKE?  YES, PLEASE.  I AIN’T WALKIN’ TO NEW ORLEANS.

    UNLESS IT’S WITH A WALKER”

    6:40:46 a.m. –.  Dr. Michio Kaku is on with his new book ‘The Future of the Mind’  , and he suggests that, in the future, technology will allow you to move things just by thinking about them.  The I-Man is very interested in this technology…because he would give anything to be able to make his penis move.

    DR. KAKU’S ‘BONERTRON 2000’

    7:05:15 a.m. – We come to a startling realization this morning.  Not only is the I-Man as deaf as Beethoven, today, he’s decided to wear Ludwig’s hair.

    THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEM IS, IMUS’ FIFTH MOVEMENT IS IN HIS PANTS

    7:07:14 a.m. – The I-Man sees a picture of Arizona Governor, Jan Brewer, and gives the following description.  “She looks like every woman sitting at the end of the bar in front of a glass of Jack with a Pall Mall hanging out of her mouth.”    The only thing missing is some guy with a cowboy hat, asking if her ‘Peaches are fuzzy.’

    “HEY!  LISSHEN…LISSHEN…YOU DON’T KNOW ME…NOBODY KNOWSH ME…I’M A WOMAN…GODDAMMIT…AND I GOT NEEDS…RIGHT NOW, I NEED A REFILL AND A LIGHT…WAIT A SECOND…HEY!  BARTENDER!  ARE YOU A GAY BOY?”

    7:29:34 a.m. –  Blonde on Blonde, or was we like to call it, “Chick Chat with Deirdre Imus and Her Elderly Aunt”  After a predictable rant about toxicity and women’s ability to procreate, in which Deirdre accuses Lis of not having any ‘Compassion’ for women who have to resort to IVF to conceive, and describes how toxic Mercury swims around the sperm and the egg in the Petris Dish, causing Lis to pass on her cheese omelet this morning.  At the end of the segment, Deirdre takes exception to the I-Man’s depiction of how they met.  It wasn’t when he viewed her from the Limo skipping to school with her Moby Worm Lunchbox, and it wasn’t when she was sending him Nude pictures of herself.  It was when she was doing an internship for the Mother Teresa foundation, dedicated to helping New York’s Celebrity Lepers, and they gave her his address.  She showed up in short shorts and a ‘Mama T’ T-Shirt.  The rest, as they say, is history.

    “HONEY?  ARE YOU BREATHING?  HONEY?  WYATT!  GO GET A MIRROR AND HOLD IT UNDER DADDY’S NOSE!”

    8:03:06 a.m. – Rob is chastised by the I-Man for coughing.  Yes.  You heard it right.  This, coming from a man who recreates a scene from ‘Camille’ every morning, coughing up his spleen on a daily basis.  Just this morning, he brought up a hot dog he ate back in ’96.  It’s like a TB Ward in Calcutta. 

    “I DON’T ALWAYS HAVE A COUGHING FIT.  BUT WHEN I DO?  I DO IT WHILE I’M PEEING.”

    8:38:14 a.m. – Donald Trump phones in to let us know that he knows everybody.  And everything.  And that he’s completely full of $#*^.  But, as he will assure you, is the very finest  $#*^ that money can buy.  In fact, it’s getting it’s own show.  It’s called “$#*^  Donald Trump Does”

    HE’S FULL OF IT.  AND IT’S ALL GOLD.

    WE’D LIKE TO THANK AL GORE FOR INVENTING THE INTERNET.  BECAUSE WE JUST GOOGLED “GOLD PLATED $##^”

    9:05:10 A.M. -   Imus promos the Blonde on Blonde Segment replay, in which, Deirdre DEFENDS the female Duke University student, who is paying her way through school by performing in Porn Movies.  So we assume she will graduate “Summa Cum Loudly”

    “HEY BIG BOY…ARE YOU STILL MATRICULATING?”

    9:06:12 A.M. – Connell reports that Pope Benedict has sent a letter to an Italian Newspaper denying that the Vatican forced his resignation.  He also tells us that the former Il Papa is still wearing the white Papal vestments, because he has “No other clothes”.  Well, how about you go shopping, Benny?  You’re in Italy!  You can’t find a GAP?

    “EXCUSE ME, MY SON.  COULD YOU HELP ME, PLEASE?  DO YOU HAVE THAT ‘YOLO’ T-SHIRT IN A LARGE?  AND PERHAPS…A SMALLER HAT?”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-e5TRz79LUo

    A MEDLEY OF HITS BY THE FAT MAN, LIVE ON THE OLD SATURDAY NIGHT ‘BEECH-NUT SHOW’ WITH DICK CLARK

    MARCH 29TH, 1958

      

    “Um…where are all the Black Kids in the audience?”

    Tuesday
    Feb252014

    Mama T and Big Daddy MG

    6:05:10 a.m. –    The I-Man loathes small talk.  At last night’s fabulous ‘Imus on Broadway’ event, the crowd in the dressing room included Joseph Abboud, Bo Dietl, Deirdre, Wyatt, Leslie Slender and Rob.  Too many people not talking about the I-Man.   Of course when we’re talking about him, it’s not small talk at all.  It’s the most interesting conversation on the planet.  “Enough about me, Riedel.  Let’s talk about you.  What do YOU think of me?”

    NOT TALKING ABOUT THE I-MAN IS THE EASIEST WAY TO PRETEND HE’S NOT THERE

    6:06:12 a.m. –   Imus goes on and on about the General Manager of WABC Radio, Kim Bryant, how attractive she is.  How she really knows how to dress.  He says it like he’s shocked.  He’s only met her about five times before.  Same Woman… not like she’s changed tailors or had work done.  She, on the other hand…wanted to know who Imus’ Grandfather was.

    KIM BRYANT

    THE WAY IMUS REMEMBERS HER, (L)  THE WAY SHE ACTUALLY LOOKS (R)

    6:23:46 a.m. –   The I-Man says that, from now on, he will only wear white shirts and black jackets.  In other words, he’s going ‘AMISH STYLE.’  We are more disturbed by the fact that nowhere in his sartorial description did he mention the word ‘pants’.

    BROTHER JEBEDIAH MODELING JOSEPH ABBOUD’S ‘IMUS COLLECTION’

    (STUPID HAT NOT INCLUDED)

    6:40:46 a.m. –  Lt. Bill Cowan, Marines, (Ret.).  A true, living legend, American Hero.  However, he’s placed Aaron Tippin on his Musical Mt. Rushmore.  We start to ridicule him…then realize he probably could kill us with a cotton ball.  As far as we’re concerned, he could’ve put a dial tone up on his Musical Mt. Rushmore, it would be fine with us.

    YES SIR! MILLI VANILLI IS A LEGENDARY GROUP, SIR!”

    7:05:15 a.m. – Great news.  The I-Man is going to put Rob back on Hollywood & Vine.  The Staff couldn’t be happier for Rob.

    7:05:18 a.m. – Bad news. The I-Man is going to take Rob off Hollywood & Vine.  The Staff couldn’t be sorrier for Rob.   

     IT WAS A GREAT THREE SECONDS

    7:14:28 a.m. – Gunz reports that New York Knick Guard Raymond Felton was arrested after last night’s game for pointing a gun at his wife.   Tony thinks that Felton was railroaded, as he was probably pointing the gun at himself in a suicide attempt after the way he played last night. 

    7:25:18 a.m. –  Gunz corrects himself and says that it was actually Raymond Felton’s GIRLFRIEND and not his wife.  I-Man points out that Felton probably has a lot of women.  Gunz says he has the same problem.  He has a very difficult time keeping all his girls in line.  Which is a lie, they’re all in the stack of magazines next to his bed with staples in their bellybuttons.

    GUNZ HAS A REALLY OLD COLLECTION OF PLAYBOYS AS THIS ‘GIRLS OF THE ‘CRO-MAGNON ERA’ PICTORIAL WOULD SUGGEST

    7:38:34 a.m. –  Hollywood & Vine.  Perfect chemistry.  Dagen, Imogen and…okay, ALMOST perfect chemistry.  Add Carley to the mix and we got ‘Appointment Television’.  F&^% , Michael Riedel.

    IF YOU NEED ANY OTHER REASON TO TUNE IN ON TUESDAYS AT 7:36 A.M.

    CHECK YOUR PULSE

    8:03:06 a.m. – The I-Man wants to get a Ford F-450 Diesel Pickup, Platinum Edition with everything on it.  EVERYTHING.  Except for Anchovies.  Because he’s a Vegan.  You know what they say about guys who drive Big Trucks.  Yup.  Imus says he wants a black one.  And, interestingly enough, so does Joseph Abboud.

    “OH MY GAWD…IT’S SO…BIIIIIIG!”

    8:16:32a.m. –  I-Man wants to know where ‘Billy Bob’s’ is.  “Is it a nightclub?”  Nat asks.  “No, stupid, it’s a Library.”  It’s actually a HUGE Honkytonk in Texas…which Tony will NOT be frequenting any time in the near future.  Just the word HONKY tonk is enough for Tony to get the hint.   “Yeeehawwwww” screamed by a group of white people who have been drinking heavily, is not something Tony EVER wants to hear…unless he’s watching the Rodeo at home on TV.

    “HEY!  YOU!  MR. ACHY BREAKY LINE DANCER!  AIN’T YOU GOT NO AL GREEN UP IN THIS BITCH?”

    8:20:04 A.M. -   The I-Man tells the ‘Mama T’ story…again.  For the EIGHT MILLIONTH TIME.   Hey Pops.  Not only is ‘Mama T’ dead, all the effing lepers are dead as well.  She started with that one over there?  Well that one over there is dead too.

    MAHATMA GANDHI, (OR AS THE I-MAN REFERS TO HIM, ‘BIG DADDY MG’) DID A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE LEPERS TOO.  BUT DOES HE GET A STORY?  NO.

    8:40:08 A.M. – Senator John ‘Wayne’ McCain is on, and says he hopes that the Arizona Governor, Jan Brewer, (Mama J) will prevent the signing of the new Anti-Gay Bill that will allow business owners to deny services to gay couples.  Imus says both his Brother Fred’s and his Mother’s ashes were scattered on Superstition Mountain in Arizona…and he’s so angry with the proposed bill that he’s considering going up there to take the ashes back .  Good luck with that one, I-Man.  We think it’s rained at least once since last time you were there.  We apologize for our callousness, but, the fact remains, there’s no plug up there to run a Dust Buster.

    “WAIT A MINUTE!  I THINK I FOUND SOMETHING…NAH, IT’S JUST A BOTTLE CAP.”

    9:04:08 A.M. –  The I-Man promos the replay of today’s Hollywood and Vine, but he can’t remember the lyrics to the John Prine song ‘Crazy As A Loon’, which features the phrase, “That town will make you crazy, Just give it a little time. You’ll be walkin’ round in circles. Down at Hollywood and Vine.’  We watch The Boss sing the incomplete lyrics over and over again, until not only do we hate Him, we hate John Prine.    Jesus!  There’s never been a more appropriately   titled song to describe the level of insanity on display before us.

    THIS DIMINUITIVE, OLD, ASIAN WOMAN DOES HER BEST JOHN PRINE IMPRESSION

    9:07:18 A.M. –   The I-Man continues to hump ‘The American’;.  And we don’t mean some guy dressed up as Uncle Sam in a Bangkok Karaoke Bar. He means this weekend’s 2 Million Dollar Rodeo being held at Cowboy’s Stadium.  He says Tuf Cooper has guaranteed who will win the big prize, beating Joe Beaver AND Fred Whitfield.  The Good News is, you can watch both ‘The American’ AND The Oscars, as the Rodeo begins early afternoon, which gives you plenty of time to catch the Red Carpet. However, it might be confusing to watch those two things literally ‘Back to Back’.  You might think Fred Whitfield is Samuel L. Jackson.  Or Lawrence Fishburn, for that matter. 

    HEY.  IT HAPPENS.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    TONY SHARES A HOME MOVIE OF THE LAST TIME HE WENT TO A ‘HONKYTONK’

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvzIRuIg288