6:05:00 a.m. – Warner lost 500 dollars of his ‘imaginary’ bankroll, took the Falcons and gave the points to the Jets last night. He’s only 100 ‘imaginary’ dollars away from having some ‘imaginary’ leg-breakers come by to shove his head into an ‘imaginary’ toilet.
“YOUSE SHOULDN’TA PICKED DEM GUYS FROM ATLANTA, WOLFIE…”
6:07:56 a.m. – The I-Man waxes euphoric over Shep Smith’s new set, which makes it look like he’s broadcasting from the Bridge of the Starship Enterprise, or some James Bond Villain’s secret headquarters. All lights and screens and giant sized iPad type deals which make the evil minions sitting in front of them look like midgets.
DR. EVIL WOULD KILL FOR SHEP’S SET
6:15:12 a.m. – The I-Man stayed up to see Megyn Kelly. He said she asks great questions. We wouldn’t know. We always watch with the sound down and imagine she’s saying naughty things to us.
YOU GIVE ME THAT BREAKING NEWS, BABY
6:25:34 a.m. – The I-Man has Starbucks Oatmeal. It seems Carley made it, so the Boss is okay with that…he trusts her not to do anything ‘icky’ to it. This will work out well so long as Carley doesn’t eat any asparagus.
STAY AWAY FROM THIS, CARLEY, AND YOU’LL BE ABLE TO PULL OFF YOUR LITTLE SCHEME FOR A LONG, LONG WHILE
6:40:28 a.m. – Bernard suggests that, if he weren’t married, and a good Catholic boy, he would make a sex tape with Miley Cyrus’ Moms. His porn name would be Bone-ard McTwerk. We think Bone-Hard McTwerk would be better. But what do we know about porn names, ours are “Bony Power”… and “Fat F***.
7:09:22 a.m. – Imus reveals that he HATES the Red Sox…because of Mike Barnicle. This is I-Man logic at its finest, stemming from resentment over Mike’s inability to appear on the program due to his contract at NBC. When Bernie points out that it’s not Barnicle’s fault, Imus asks us if he’s being unreasonable again. No. Not at all. Just know that Barnicle is the reason why Doris Kearns Goodwin LOVES the Red Sox.
MIKE BARNICLE (UNDOCTORED PHOTO)
7:22:57 a.m. – Connell reports on a Long Island Convenience Store clerk who brought a knife to a gunfight…and won. It was actually a Machete. The video footage of the attempted robber looked like one of those undercranked Benny Hill videos.
AND THEY LAUGHED WHEN HE FIRST BROUGHT THE MACHETE TO WORK
7:40:19 a.m. – Martha McCallum is on to discuss the new changes at Fox including Shep’s new Star Trek set. She denies the rumors that the Fox Brass wanted to capitalize on Shep’s new look by having her wear pointy ears like Mr. Spock.
DON’T WORRY, THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN
8:05:33 a.m. – The I-Man wants to know where he can get the new 100 dollar bills. We offer to take them for him and ‘exchange’ them at the ‘bank’
THE NEW 100 NOW HAS BARBARA BUSH’S PICTURE ON IT
8:21:12 a.m. – Imus asks Warner why he’s wearing a tie. “I thought I should look good for my funeral.” Which, if he doesn’t do better with his picks this weekend, will be this coming Tuesday.
IF YOU PICKED WARNER MAKING IT TO CHRISTMAS…YOU LOST!
8:29:12 a.m. – Bernie Briefing: Miley Cyrus danced on The Today Show with Midgets. “Gotta have a midget in your entourage!” The I-Man exclaims. “I don’t know why we don’t have one! Well…I guess we already do…Lupica.” Personally, we would’ve picked Warner.
WEE WILLIE WARNER
8:41:56 a.m. – Frank Rich is on, and at first, it seems as if he is going to discuss everything except his hit HBO show, ‘Veep’. Which just won two Emmys. Julia Louis-Dreyfus even thanked him in her acceptance speech. But the I-Man would rather discuss ‘The Goldbergs’ sucking. Which, thankfully, gives Frank the opening to plug his own show. Season 3 is on the way. They’ve already HAD their Government Shutdown on the show. Maybe the dudes in Congress should watch a couple episodes.
THE ‘FAKE’ VEEP WITH THE ‘REAL’ VEEP. HARD TO TELL WHO’S WHO, AIN’T IT?
9:11:37 a.m. – “Y’know, Ray Lewis is pretty good, don’tcha think? He’s going to be there awhile.” observes the I-Man. Of course, who’s going to fire him? Nobody. No. Bod. Ee.
YOU TELL HIM HE’S FIRED.
VIDEO OF THE DAY
A BUNCH OF DELETED SCENES FROM ‘VEEP’
SO YOU CAN SEE JUST WHY IT WON THEM EMMYS