6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man was not happy with yesterday’s blog, said “Even Meghan thought it was bland.” He believes we’re pussying out because our names are now on the blog. Meghan thought it was bland because…well, Meghan’s suffered a horrible head wound that makes it difficult for her to communicate. She meant to say the Blog was ‘Too Bold’. Poor, dear, sweet child. We are going to send her a little gift … ‘Just because’. A brand new drool cup.
MEGHAN WITH HER NEW DROOL CUP: “UMBRELLA…PRETTY”
6:11:12 a.m. – Dick Cavett was on yesterday, for about 10 minutes, (at least that’s what the clock said) to promote his Off Broadway Play in which, he plays himself. Really stretching that acting muscle, huh, Mr. Cavett? Dick is one of our favorite guests…despite the fact that, somewhere out in the Hamptons, he’s on the phone…thinking he’s still talking to Imus.
6:23:01 a.m. – The I-Man announces he, Deirdre and Wyatt will be having dinner with Esther “Lobster” Newberg…which, we assume, was nicknamed by Kinky Friedman due to her last name, when in fact, it refers to the fact that she’s an insect-like looking creature with a hard shell. We’re not sure when the dinner is going to take place; however, one thing we ARE sure of. Esther is already 3 quarters of the way through her first box of Chardonnay, and her Xanax prescription was upped to 50 Milligrams.
“UH OH…MOMMY HAD A LITTLE TOO MUCH RIPPLE AND FELL DOWN… BUT SHE NEEDS TO GET BACK IN THE HOUSE…SO, COME ON, OPEN THE DOOR…PLEASE? HEY! OPEN THE F*&^ING DOOR! HERE, PUSSSSSY PUSSSSY…”
6:40:46 a.m. – Arthur Aidala is on to discuss High Level Trials of the day: Bernie Madoff, Oscar Pastorius, but the I-Man warns him that Dagen is going to attempt to ‘Friend’ him on Facebook. Too late. She’s already ‘Friends’ with Arthur on Facebook. Arthur says “Just until the restraining order kicks in.”
ARTHUR AIDALA (L) IN THE MOVIE ABOUT HIS LIFE, JOE PANTOLIANO WILL PLAY HIM. THE CRAZED STALKER, DAGEN, WILL BE PORTRAYED BY REBA MCINTIRE
“HEY, ARTHUR. I ‘FRIENDED’ Y’ALL. WHY WON’T Y’ALL ‘FRIEND’ ME?”
7:17:15 a.m. – The I-Man talks about his new Ford Pickup, and mentions that the gentleman he bought the truck from is in GREAT shape. He does the P-90X Level 3 workout. Connell remarks that the guy looks like he could tear Imus in half, which isn’t really that big a deal, Larry Flynt could tear the Boss in half.
“HEY…BRING IT, SUGAR BRITCHES…I’LL RUN YOUR BONY ASS OVER…”
7:28:34 a.m. – Hollywood & Vine, which will be without Michael Riedel, who is on vacation…AGAIN. We’d love to know how to get a gig where you work three times a week and take a vacay every three weeks. Rob has filled in, and everyone waits with bated breath to see whether or not he will ‘Suck’. The controversial topic of Kimye on the cover of Vanity Fair is discussed, and Dagen calls Anna Wintour, ‘The Twit Bitch’. We assume she could get away with it because they’re friends on Facebook. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she questions Rob’s penis size. Oh no she di-int. Let’s put it this way, you could tell time off his shadow. He’s like a human sundial. At the end of the segment, I-Man announces that Rob ‘Wasn’t horrible.’ Wow. Progress.
DAGEN BELIEVES ROB MAY BE CHEATING
8:05:10 a.m. – A clip of Deirdre on Hannity is shown, in which, after asking her a question about China, she claims Sean is ‘For Dirty Water.’ We are not sure we follow the logic, nor are we positive that Mr. Hannity is, indeed, AGAINST clean water. He insists he buys bottled water…which, he shouldn’t have done, because there’s toxins in the plastic. Jesus, Hannity, have you learned NOTHING from the I-Man’s pain? You might as well have asked Deirdre about Christina Aguilera’s new holiday idea, ‘Steak and BJ Day’. (Which Imus is not, has never and never will celebrate) We have renewed respect for the I-Man, however. It’s clear that she saved his life…so that she can torture him through the rest of it. It’s like when the guy on Death Row gets Pneumonia, and they give him Anti-Biotics.
“YOU LIKE JESUS, SEAN? HE ATE FISH! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MERCURY IS IN FISH? AND HE WALKED ON WATER? DID HE EVER WASH HIS FEET? THAT WATER MUST’VE BEEN FILTHY! I GUESS YOU’RE OKAY WITH MERCURY AND DIRTY WATER!”
8:12:24 a.m. – Imus talks about Joe Tacopina. Not that Arthur Aidala is a bad lawyer, but Tacopina is the man responsible for saving Wyatt’s dog Lucinda, by shutting down the Ritzy Canine, the boarding facility that ‘lost’ the dog. Tacopina is LAW in the canine world. In fact, he is such a popular human figure, that he can get his crotched licked anytime he wants.
“YOU CHANGED MY LIFE, JOE…YOU CHANGED MY LIFE…HEY, LEMME GET THAT FOR YOU”
8:15:14 a.m. – The I-Man relates the famous ‘Van Morrison/Blind Boys of Alabama’ story, where the very chaste, sight-challenged, lovely old Gospel-Singing Gentlemen were subjected to the Angry Leprechaun’s dropping of the ‘F Bomb’, and then promptly thrown out of the Green Room by him, and were forced to endure more abuse when they didn’t leave fast enough for him…completely forgetting they couldn’t see where the effing door was.
THE BLIND BOYS WERE LEFT TO WANDERING THE STREETS AFTER VAN THREW THEM OUT OF THE GREEN ROOM. IT TOOK AWHILE FOR US TO FIND THEM, BECAUSE THEY COULDN’T GIVE US ANY ADDRESS OR LANDMARKS TO INDICATE WHERE THEY WERE
8:35:08 a.m. – The Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, is 72 today. The President wished her a H.A.P.Y. B.I.R.T.D.A.Y.
TODAY HER AGE FINALLY REACHES HER NECK SIZE
8:40:14 a.m. – War Hero, former presidential candidate, one of the most esteemed members of the Senate, and one of our very most favorite guests… Senator John ‘Wayne’ McCain phones in. The Senator has some harsh words for Vladimir Putin, and if we were the Russian President, we would be s#!&ing borscht right about now. He says if he were president, he would treat Putin for what he is, a Former KGB punk and corrupt Kleptocrat. We called Putin a ‘Douchenozzle’, because we actually had to look up ‘Kleptocrat’, because, well…we’re stupid. It means “A Government Official who is a thief or exploiter.” That will be a killer Scrabble word to know. Much better than ‘Douchenozzle’. (Although Douchenozzle DOES have two Z’s, which are worth 10, but there’s only one in the game so you’d have to use a blank tile, which is only worth zero, but still, on a Triple word score you’d get 75, as opposed to Kleptocrat which, on a Triple letter score, would only be worth 57.)
D2 O1 U1 C3 H4 E1 N1 O1 Z10 Z10 L1 E1
OF COURSE, YOU’D HAVE TO PLAY OFF ‘DOUCHE’ (AND USE A BLANK TILE)
9:05:10 A.M. – We are ‘reminded’ as to what the I-Man expects from us on the program. It only took two weeks, but finally, we got it. We re-read his original E-Mail a little less self-consciously, and allowed ourselves to move our lips as we read. Turns out we should probably give ourselves new drool cups, as we make Meghan look like Neil Degrasse Tyson compared to us. Who’s Neil Degrasse Tyson you ask? He’s the new guy hosting ‘Cosmos’. Jesus. Are YOU suffering from a massive head wound? We thought WE were stupid.
TWEEDLE DUM AND TWEEDLE DUMBER
VIDEO OF THE DAY :
A TRIBUTE TO ILL-TIMED TUMESCENCE