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    Monday
    Nov042013

    Anna Sigga Oops!

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   The I-Man is illin’.  He’s got chronic ‘Sicker Than 9 Dogs-itis’…a condition he is very prone to, succumbing about 10 or 12 times a year.  Apparently, it’s due to the Hand Sanitizer being missing from both of the ‘Port Authority Clean’ bathrooms here on the third floor.

    YOU NEED A HAZMAT SUIT, NOT HAND SANITIZER

    6:14:56 a.m. – Pam Anderson, she of ‘Baywatch’ fame, finished the New York Marathon in 5 hours and change.  We think her time may have been affected by her ‘Slow Motion Beach Run’ style.  Congratulations to Ms. Anderson, not only for her time, but the efficacy of her sports bra, which effectively prevented her from crossing the finish line with two black eyes.

    PAM ANDERSON 5:41:03, HER BREASTS: 5:37:07

    6:15:12 a.m. –  Warner went to see ‘Last Vegas’, a film that Dagen has dubbed ‘Cinematic Metamucil’,  about four 70 year olds throwing a bachelor party for their friend who is marrying a 30 year old woman.  A 70 year old marrying a 30 year old?  Obviously, ‘Ender’s Game’ wasn’t the only Sci Fi flick in the theaters this weekend. Warner says he laughed a couple of times, despite the fact that nobody called him to audition.

    WARNER’S SCREEN TEST FOR ‘LAST VEGAS’

    6:25:34 a.m. – Warner is 4-7 on his picks, 6-5 if you don’t count the spread, but of course, we ALWAYS count the spread.  He’s officially 100 imaginary dollars in the hole, although, given his height, he always LOOKS like he’s standing in a hole.  His poor performance delights the I-Man, despite his sickness…that and the fact that Michigan suffered a crushing loss to Michigan State, an eventuality that, no doubt, sent Carley’s fiancée Pete into a tizzy.   Carley has taken his belt, tie and shoelaces from him. 

    IT’S ONLY A GAME, PETE.

    6:40:28 a.m. –  Bo Dietl is on, and he begins his spot by addressing the President directly, into camera.  “I know you’re watching, Barack” he says.  At first we get the impression that Bo has found out that Obama tunes in every Monday to watch Bo, but then we catch him in the Green Room saying the very same thing the coffee pot.  He discusses ‘Stop and Frisk’ he suggests that, back when he was still ‘On the Job’, he would leave people with a smile on their faces…as he had ‘Fast Hands’ and a ‘Tender  Touch.’   Something his girlfriends have attested to as well.  Especially the ‘Fast’ part.

    “MINE IS STROKING MY JUNK.”

    “MINE HAS HIS GUN AGAINST MY BACK…AT LEAST I HOPE THAT’S HIS GUN.”

    7:09:22 a.m. –  Carley confirms our suspicions that Pete was upset by Michigan’s humiliating performance against their State rival, Michigan State. After the game, she sent him a loving ‘How are you doing?  I miss you and love you.’ Text.  He responds “I can’t talk right now.  I’m in a really bad place.”  Just where might that be?  Olive Garden?

    THE GREEN SIDE IS MUCH BETTER THAN THE BLUE SIDE

    7:11:36 a.m. – In the new book Double Down’, Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, have quoted former President Bill Clinton as saying that President Obama, in his re-election campaign was “Luckier than a dog with two dicks.”  We don’t know if a dog with that condition is, indeed, lucky.  As it would have to lift TWO legs to take a leak.  Which would result in slamming its testicles on the sidewalk.

    “WHAT CAN I SAY?  YOU’RE LOOKING AT THREE BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.”

    7:40:19 a.m. – Anna-Sigga Nicolazzi is on, and Tony has had quite the time this morning, watching the I-Man promo her appearance, pronouncing the Brooklyn D.A.’s name.  It’s like watching a guy in clown shoes tap dance in a minefield.

    “OOPS!  ANNA-SIGGA…PLEASE!  HELP ME!”

    8:05:33 a.m. –  Even though his condition is getting worse, (He is now sicker than 55 dogs) the Boss is getting no love at home.  He was coughing last night and Deirdre says “You weren’t coughing today…”   Yes.  But he’s coughing now.  What’s your point, Enviro-Woman?   “I’m dead.”  “Well, you weren’t dead this afternoon…”   

    JESUS, I-MAN, COVER YOUR MOUTH!  WE DON’T WANT YOUR I-COOTIES!

    8:16:12 a.m. –   Connell reports a story about a Georgia Man who flicked his lighter while he was gassing up, effectively setting his wife on fire.  Smoking while re-fueling is one of the things that inspired the Jeff Foxworthy ‘You Might Be A Redneck’ bit.  What’s the last words you hear a redneck say before he sets someone on fire?  “Hey, y’all.  Watch this!”    We can only hope this guy stays in the garage with the door closed and the motor running to hear the whole live  version of Lynryd Skynyrd’s ‘Freebird’ when he gets home.

    “HEY OTIS!  GIMME A LIGHT, WOULDJA?”

    8:40:12a.m. –   Lori Rothman is on.  She’s going to see the Eagles this weekend. Warner is impressed that she’s going all the way to Green Bay this Sunday.  Actually, she’s going to Madison Square Garden to see the ‘Eagle-eez’, Don and Glenn and Timothy B. and Joe.  Warner is confused.  He didn’t think the Garden was big enough to host an NFL Game.  It is, however, large enough to host a boxing match, which, hopefully, the concert will degenerate into.

    THEIR KIND OF ‘LONG RUN’ IS VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE BAND’S

    8:55:47 a.m. –  The I-Man has gone home.  He is now, officially, sicker than 632 dogs.  And is about to collapse on the 24 Yard Line.   Connell takes the helm, as he has done so many times before.  We are confident that the show is in good hands.

     

    9:05:29 a.m. –  …until it becomes his turn to pronounce the name ‘Anna-Sigga Nicolazzi’.  The inevitable, of course, happens.  He ‘Zigga-ed’…when he should’ve ‘Zagga-ed’.   It happens.  It’s not our fault her parents were European.

    EVEN MIKE HUNT, SEYMOUR BUTTS AND DIXIE NORMOUS THINK ANNA HAS A PRETTY EFFED UP NAME

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

     

    WE NEVER KNEW THAT HAND SANITIZER WAS SUCH A HUGE ISSUE,

    BUT ACCORDING TO CHRISTIAN COMEDIAN TIM HAWKINS, IT IS SOMEWHAT CONTROVERSIAL

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNKjR4n48CY

     

    Friday
    Nov012013

    Happy Birthday Lyle, Kinky, and Larry!

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   “I’ve been looking forward to today all day.”  The I-Man makes a somewhat confounding statement.  The day’s only an hour and a half long so far, so we are imagining it’s not going to be that great a program.  He corrects himself.  He’s been looking forward to today all week.  Father Jonathan Morris, Melissa Francis and Richard ‘Kinky’ ‘Big Dick’ Friedman will be here today.   We’ve been looking forward to Kinky all show long.

    GOOGLE IMAGE ‘KINKY FRIEDMAN’ AND YOU WILL FIND THIS.  WE CUT OFF THE BOTTOM HALF OF THE PICTURE BECAUSE, TRUST US, YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE THE GARTER BELT AND FISHNETS

    6:07:56 a.m. –  Imus wants to get to the bottom of the Melissa Francis story.  Is he kidding?  THE WOMAN IS CRAAAAAAAZEEEEEEEE.     We’re talking ‘Carrie’ crazy.  You don’t want to push her buttons.  Unless you want to be telekinetically slammed up against a wall.

    “WELCOME BACK TO ‘MONEY’.  I’M MELISSA FRANCIS”

    6:15:12 a.m. –  Connell reports that on the first day the Obamacare website went live a total of 6…SIX…people signed up.   “We get more people signing up for ‘Inside Imus’ on ‘Imus.com’ EVERY day!”   That’s because you can actually get ON Imus.com.  And don’t spend three hours looking at the spinning beachball and the hourglass.

    WHERE DID IT GO?  FIVE OF MY FRIENDS GOT TO SIGN UP!

    6:25:34 a.m. –  Imus asks Dagen about the car race this weekend and the standings in ‘The Chase’.   He makes the observation “Dale Earnhardt has NO chance of winning, right?”   To which Dagen replies,   “Well yeah…cos’ hes DEAD.”   Which pretty much insures that he will come in last.   However, he’ll still finish in front of Danica Patrick.

    DALE EARNHARDT NOT TAKING A VICTORY LAP

    6:40:28 a.m. – Father Jonathan Morris is on to answer for the German Bishop of Bling, Peter Febartz-Van-Elst, who was living large in a 40 Million Dollar Mansion.  But Padre would rather talk about how difficult it is to be a priest and ride the Subway in the East Village on Halloween Night.  He says he met many people who, thankfully, are not members of his Parish.   We think, after the interview, ‘Lucifer in the Morning’ will be topping that list.

    “SO, FATHER…WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE PRIESTS NOT BEING ABLE TO KEEP THEIR HANDS OFF THE ALTAR BOYS?”

    7:05:45 a.m. –  The I-Man is positively GIDDY at the prospect that there will be 20 Mile an Hour winds during the NYC marathon.  He may actually, personally, PHYSICALLY go over to 1st Avenue to watch the runners come off the 59th Street bridge just to see them struggle going uphill.  Of course, he misspeaks and says the ‘Tappan Zee Bridge,’ which is a fair piece further north.  Certainly, enough to really mess with the Kenyans who are usually first at the finish line.  Unless, of course, the wind is blowing south.

    “SON OF BITCH!  THAT DETOUR INTO ROCKLAND COUNTY ADD ADDITIONAL 25 MILES AND 3 MINUTES TO MY TIME!”

    7:19:22 a.m. –  “NOBODY CARES!”  Warner goes over the controversial Safety Call during the Bengals / Dolphins game last night as meticulously as the Warren Commission went over the Zapruder film, much to the I-Man’s dismay.

    “IF YOU HAD A 2ND GUNMAN ON THE GRASSY KNOLL…YOU LOST!”

    7:40:19 a.m. – Melissa Francis is on.  As crazy as she is, it is clearly apparent that her Mom makes her look about as stable as an Illinois Librarian.   That lady was a bull goose LOONY.   Anybody who is not named John Henry, The Mighty Thor or Supreme Court Justice, yet keeps a hammer in the trunk with them all the time, is not a mentally healthy individual.  Certainly not somebody you want to beat to a parking space.  Lest your car wind up looking like this:

    “AND IF YOU DON’T GET AN ‘A’ ON YOUR NEXT HISTORY TEST, MELISSA, THIS IS WHAT I’M GOING TO DO TO YOU!!!”

    8:05:33 a.m. –   Imus recalls a trip to Monument Valley with Deirdre, Fred, Dan Rather, and Don, Imus’ friend, a Native American Guide.   Upon being introduced to ‘Don,’ Rather actually raised his open palm and said “How, Chief?”    We never knew that Rather spoke Native American.  Somehow, we think the Addled Newsman does not think the Redskins should change their name, nor should Cleveland amend the racist caricature ‘Chief Wahoo’ logo.

    DON WAS HURT BY RATHER’S INSENSITIVITY

    8:16:12 a.m. –   There is a spirited debate over the I-Man’s assertion that Melissa Francis threw her Moms under the bus.  He is looking at the Mother’s good qualities:  Getting Melissa on ‘Little House On The Prairie’, giving her the motivation to get the grades needed to get into Harvard…  of course, leave it to Imus to side with a tyrannical, abusive, sociopathic psycho who would make Susan Smith look like mother of the year.   (It’s been awhile but it’s worth Googling her name…)

    MS. SMITH,  NOT QUITE AS BAD AS MELISSA FRANCIS’ MOM

    8:20:37 a.m. –  Deirdre phones in to question Melissa Francis’ father, who, apparently, was an impotent, weak, sissyboy in allowing the abuse of his daughters at the hands of his wife.  Mrs. Imus has recently begun drinking coffee…which, of course is INSANE on its own, if there is ANYBODY on the planet who did not need caffeine, it’s the D-Woman.   She informs the I-Man that the coffee she’s bought for the pantry of their CPW Penthouse contains organic, medicinal mushrooms.   Uhhhh huh.   Now we know why he hates Halloween.  He thinks the Ghosts and Goblins Trick or Treating on the street…are real.   He’s obviously tripping his balls off.

     HOW FIFTH AVENUE LOOKS TO THE I-MAN FROM HIS TERRACE AFTER HE’S HAD A CUP OF DEIRDRE’S SPECIAL ORGANIC COFFEE  BREW

    8:41:56 a.m. –   THE KINKSTER IS ON THE PHONE!!   The Birthday Boy has called in from the Trailer on the Ranch in Texas to go over his platform for Agriculture Commissioner.  Imus is feeling uneasy.  Apparently, he has only financially supported one political candidate before…and it was the same man.  He gave 1000 dollars to Kinky’s campaign for Justice of the Peace of Kerrville Texas, in which, he was about as successful in being elected as Walter Mondale was being elected president. Kinky came in third behind a man who hatched his dog to death.  “Is this going to be another deal where I lose another 1000 bucks?” he asks.   Um….in a word.   “I like it here!”

    RABBI MORDECAI FREIDMAN, WHO, INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, IS NOT ONE OF ‘THE TEXAS JEWBOYS’

    9:11:37 a.m. –   The I-Man just discovered that it’s Lyle Lovett’s Birthday.  What are the odds that Lyle and Kinky were born on the same day?  For that matter, what are the odds that Larry Flynt was born on the same day?   Or that Joe Beaver would have TWO birthdays in One Week?

    “HAPPY BIRTHDAY LYLE…KINKY…DON’T GET UP LARRY…”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    BECAUSE, NOT UNLIKE ANOTHER YOUNG GIRL WHO SUFFERED AT THE HANDS OF A CRAZY, ABUSIVE MOTHER, WE OFFER YOU A ‘WHAT IF’

    MELISSA FRANCIS IN:  ‘CARRIE’

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlOxlSOr3_M

    Thursday
    Oct312013

    The Coolest Guy in the Room

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   “Hey Warner, what time is Game Seven?”  The I-Man is being facetious.  There will be NO Game Seven, as the Red Sox won the World Series at home last night.  Warner’s record for prognostication is about as good as Baghdad Bob’s. 

    “IN MY OPINION, THE NEW YORK METS WILL GO ALL THE WAY THIS YEAR!”

    6:07:56 a.m. –  Incredibly, Imus is not feeling well this morning.  He wants some tea.  Some Bigelow Green Tea.  Because the all the other Green Teas taste like somebody peed in it.   Maybe it’s because it’s also made with the same water they use for the coffee.  The water from Bernard’s ‘Special Tap’.

    THIS IS WHAT THE NON-NATIVE AMERICANS REFER TO AS ‘TEA-PEE’

    6:11:34 a.m. –  Imus informs Bernie that he spoke with Kinky Friedman (The Future Commissioner of Agriculture for Texas) last night, and, the Kinkster, apparently, HATES Bernard.  He tells the I-man that 58% of the citizens in Texas support Kinky’s proposed mandate to legalize marijuana.  B was of the opinion that this was a misguided campaign platform, as Texas is a Red State, they should be vehemently opposed to such measures.  We hate to see ugliness like this taking place.  The I-Man, however, thrives on this type of friction.  Obviously, the Boss needs to smoke a joint and just mellow out.

     ONE OF THE 58% OF TEXANS WHO ARE EXTREMELY IN FAVOR OF POT BEING LEGALIZED

    6:15:12 a.m. –  Imus asks Carley if she knows anything about this Utah Murder Trial, where the Doctor is accused of killing his wife.  Carley gives the I-Man an update, using CNN .com as source material.   She also sees fit to call the “Alleged” Murderer a ‘Scumbag’.  The Boss tells her to just give him the facts and not editorialize.  And then wonders why she hasn’t gone to get his coffee yet.  We think she probably will use that word a couple more times this morning.

    CARLEY’S SECOND LEAST FAVORITE PERSON ON THE PLANET

    6:25:34 a.m. –  Lis Wiehl, the Harvard Educated, Brilliant Legal Mind, emails the I-Man, alleging that Carley doesn’t know what she’s talking about when it comes to the Utah Doctor murder case.    Lis provides a deep, insightful analysis of the trial, clearly trying to insinuate herself into the program as she won’t be part of the ‘Mensa Meeting’ this morning.  Imus has given Lis a Time Out, as her incessant yammering makes it difficult to hear Bernie’s brilliance.  Which gives you an idea of what the criteria are to be part of the Mensa Meeting on the Imus in the Morning Program.

     COUNSELOR WIEHL IS NOT HAPPY SHE HAS BEEN CUT FROM THE PANEL

    6:40:28 a.m. –  Mike Emmanuel is on to discuss yesterday’s Obama Care hearing with Kathleen Sibelius.  He does not, however, weigh in on the Utah Doctor Murder Case.   Which, given the highly inflammatory situation, is probably not a bad idea.

    THIS IS WHAT THE MIKE EMANUEL BLOW UP DOLL LOOKS LIKE

    7:05:45 a.m. –    Carley throws Lis under the bus.  Then gets in the driver’s seat, starts the engine and backs over her.  Five times.  Ms. Wiehl has now replaced a certain Radio Show Host as the number one position on her $#!+  List.  She advises the ‘Other Blonde’, to ‘Butt Out’.  It’s a full on ‘Girl Fight’.  All of a sudden, Imus is in a MUCH better mood.  There’s chum in the water, and fresh meat ready for the slaughter.

    CARLEY POSES WITH THE I-MAN ON SET

    7:07:22 a.m. –   Arthur Aidala, who, although is a Defense Attorney, is NO Joe Tacopina, phones in with his perspective on the Utah Doctor Murder Case.  He reminds us that the Defendant is BOTH a Doctor AND a Lawyer,  “What is he?  A showoff?.”   The dude is being tried for murder after finishing three years in prison for forging a marriage certificate for himself and his mistress…dated the day his wife was found dead in the tub.   This guy isn’t going to be part of the Mensa Meeting either.

    DOCTOR MACNEILL…HE’S GOING ‘ALL IN’

    7:15:57 a.m. –   Aidala hips us to the fact that Joe Tacopina has quoted the I-Man on his website.  “When you hire Joe Tacopina, it’s over!”    You can also get that phrase on a T-Shirt, Coffee Mug, Beer Koozie, Key Chain and Mouse Pad.  Joe’s not exploiting the endorsement…he’s just making a fortune off it.

    “YEAH, I’M SELLING T-SHIRTS.  YOU DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, RIGHT?”

    7:40:19 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting, all regaled in their Halloween Finery.   Deirdre is sporting a plunging neckline, some cool shades and gold ‘bling’:  a thick chain and one of those rings that stretches across all her knuckles.  She is a ‘Suburban Hooker’.   Gunz is wearing a cowboy hat, invoking the I-Man, if the I-Man was 11 years old and resembled Woody from Toy Story.  Bernard, characteristically, has a full on multicolored clown wig and red nose.   The only one NOT wearing a costume is Alan Colmes.  Ironic, in that, the rest of the year, he resembles the spawn of Zacherle and the Lon Chaney Junior Phantom of the Opera.

    COLMES WEARING HIS NEW CONTACTS

    8:04:33 a.m. –   Dr. Bill says he’s going to be dropping by the Imus office to get him some of that organic chocolate the D-Woman is going to be providing to all the little Trick or Treaters.  He informs us that he will be going as ‘Al Roker’.  We assume he’s already bought the turd costume.

    GREAT COSTUME, DR. BILL!  WE HATE YOU ALREADY.

    8:06:12 a.m. –   Bigfoot from Downtown!  Bowman gets an assist from Connell’s Benghazi story.   He’s surprisingly informative and up to speed on the news.  Which gives credence to the theory that Donuts ARE brain food.

    BIGFOOT’S VERSION OF A NUTRITIOUS BREAKFAST.  EAT A DOZEN OF THESE BEFORE YOU TAKE THE S.A.T.

    8:08:00 a.m. –   Connell does a story about New York raising the legal smoking age, and increasing the price of a pack of cigarettes to 10 bucks. Imus:  “They should ban smoking…period.” The Marlboro Man has spoken.

    THE I-MAN, BACK IN THE 80’S, LIGHTING UP (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    8:27:37 a.m. -  Imus is miffed that the Bigelow Tea people are paying Phil Simms a lot of money to endorse their product.  “Do you think that it makes any difference to people that Phil Simms drinks Bigelow?   The fact that I tell people it’s good makes a difference.”  The I-Man sure is one marketing genius.  Whose advice would YOU rather take about tea drinking?   A hunky, athletic, strikingly handsome, two time Super Bowl winning Quarterback, or a man who gets winded just trying to get up on stepstool?    We thought so. Advantage:  I-Man.

    NOT THE KIND OF ‘TEA’ BIGELOW SELLS.  BUT THE KIND KINKY FRIEDMAN WANTS TO LEGALIZE

    8:41:56 a.m. –   Leif Babin is on.  Imus makes the observation that Leif is always going to be the coolest man in the room.   Unless, of course, Mike Baker is also in the room…not that this eventuality will ever happen, because that’s just too much AWESOME for one room to contain.  We pause for a moment to reflect on our reactions to both Messrs. Baker and Babin…and begin to worry just a tad.  The Man Crush may have gone to the next level.  We’re actually ready to go to New Jersey and get married.

    “THAT BABIN IS H.O.T.  DREAMY….”

    9:02:37 a.m. –  The I-Man uses his iPhone ‘Speak It’ app during a horrible story during the local news.  He’s making the various digital voices say HIDEOUS things to and about us.  It’s like Stephen Hawking is drunk and trying to pick a fight.   (Not to be overconfident, but we think we could take him.)

    “YO…MAMA…SO…FAT…THE…BACK…OF…HER…NECK…LOOK…LIKE…A…PACK…  OF….FRANKS!”

    9:08:14 a.m. –  Bigfoot rolls some Benghazi footage, and the I-Man says it reminds him of the ‘Yule Log’ they play on Christmas Eve here on Local TV Station Channel 11.   We hate to admit he’s right, but we’re also a little bit concerned that he expects Santa to show up in a Libyan Army uniform and flak jacket.

    ST. NICK WITH A YOUNG LIBYAN TERRORIST

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    INSPIRED BY LEIF BABIN,

    WE OFFER THIS HUMBLE TRIBUTE

     TO THE ‘COOLEST GUY IN THE ROOM’

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YmamDema_o

     

    Wednesday
    Oct302013

    Texas For Kinky!

    6:05:00 a.m.  –  We begin the program with some exciting news:  Kinky Friedman is running for Texas’ Agriculture Commissioner!  He wants to make marijuana legal.   Now we know all of you who would support that kind of agenda probably only look at the pictures in this blog, but we need you to go to his website TEXASFORKINKY.COM and make a donation so that what you’re doing as you read this will no longer be unlawful in the Lone Star State.

    GO TO TEXASFORKINKY.COM AND MAKE IT A FINANCIAL PLEASURE FOR THE NEXT AGRICULTURE COMMISSIONER OF TEXAS (BY THE WAY, DESPITE THE KINKSTER’S POSITION ON THE CHRONIC…THAT’S NOT A JOINT, IT’S A CUBAN)

    6:07:56 a.m. – Warner points out that, in last night’s Miami Heat victory over Chicago, the Heat shot an astounding 51%.   The I-Man isn’t impressed.  He maintains the field goal percentage aspiration should be 100%.   It’s hard to argue with logic like that.  Because Imus will stab you.

    THIS IS THE REAL MIAMI HEAT. WELL, AT LEAST THEY’RE HOT. AND, BY THE WAY, JUST SO YOU KNOW,  YOU  HAVE A 0% CHANCE WITH ANY OF THEM

    6:15:12 a.m. – The I-Man has a cold.  See what happens when you leave the plastic bubble?

    “I DON’T FEEL WELL”   YEAH, WE KNOW.  WE KNOW.

    6:40:28 a.m. –   Mike Baker is on to talk about his new Travel Channel Show where he revisits some of America’s more favorite mysteries…D.B. Cooper, The Escape From Alcatraz, and the JFK Assassination.  According to Agent Baker, we don’t know where Frank Morris and the Anglin Brothers are, D.B. Cooper was probably pushed, and Kennedy was killed by Colonel Mustard on the Grassy Knoll with the Candlestick.

    YOU DON’T SEE HIM IN THE ZAPRUDER FILM, BUT ACCORDING TO MIKE BAKER, THIS IS THE FACE OF THE REAL ASSASSIN AT DEELEY PLAZA

    7:05:45 a.m. –  Imus talks about the ESPN ’30 -30’ about Jimmy Connors that aired last night. The I-Man concludes, “Connors claims he’s happy now, but we have to hope that he’s not,” referring to Connors being married to Patti McGuire, the former playboy playmate who in the Boss’ estimation has either “Had Botox or eaten a lot of cheeseburgers.”

    7:14:22 a.m. –   Dagen, in her business report, does a story about  Virgin America’s new Safety Video, which features music and dancing.  She maintains that it’s a great idea, as passengers would prefer ANYTHING over the ‘Odiferous people sitting next to you.”   McDowell, rocking a Dick Cavett style word.   (For you Scrabble players, it means ‘stinky’.)

    “ODIFEROUS” DOUBLE WORD SCORE? 

    DAGEN AUTOMATICALLY WINS THE GAME

    7:40:57 a.m. –Blonde on Blonde.  The antagonism reaches new, epic levels as the ladies debate the concept of ‘Halloween”.   Lis will be handing out 3 Musketeers, Starburst and Snickers Bars.  Deirdre, not a fan of giving ‘poison’ to the little costumed children, will be offering Dried Kale Pops and Tofu Nuggets, which will be disappointing to those Trick or Treaters who see the I-Man and will be expecting Beef Jerky.

    “KALE?  SNICKER PLEASE.  YOU CAN EXPECT YOUR APARTMENT TO GET EGGED, LADY.  BUT, FROM THE LOOKS OF IT, SEEMS LIKE SOMEBODY’S ALREADY DONE THAT TO YOUR GRANDPA”

    8:05:33 a.m. –   Tim McCarver is coming up, and is a lovely, elegant and honest man.  Imus recalls asking the Baseball and Broadcasting Legend if he dyed his hair.  McCarver was very forthcoming and revealed, that he did, in fact, but that’s not why they call him a ‘Color Commentator’.  Charles, on the other hand, would deny it even when presented with photographic evidence.  The I-Man doesn’t color his hair.  He doesn’t comb it either.  We’re relatively sure he doesn’t even wash it.  In fact, we’re starting to suspect that he’s bald and is wearing an Estelle Getty wig.

    THE I-MAN’S NEW PROMO PHOTO FOR FOX

    8:21:12 a.m. –   The I-Man implores everyone once again to support Richard Kinky ‘Big Dick’ Friedman’s campaign for Commissioner of Agriculture in Texas.  The i-man is in favor of Marijuana legalization, and, as he is closing on a new property in the state, plans on growing some pot his own damn self.  It will be organic, of course, and will be named  ‘Hargus’.   The I-Chronic will go down easy, and make you think you’re Jesus’ brother.

    “NA NA NA, SON!  THIS STUFF MAKES YOUR PEACHES FUZZY!”

    8:41:56 a.m. –   The Boss tries to coax I-Fave, Tim McCarver, out of retirement.  Conversely, Mr. McCarver tries to coax the I-Man INTO retirement.

    THE I-MAN AND HIS NEW FRIEND AT THE HOME.  HE SAYS HE DOESN’T WANT TO GO INTO THE HOME, BUT WYATT, DEIRDRE, AND HER NEW 25 YEAR OLD HUSBAND INSISTED

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    HERE WE PROVIDE WHAT VERY WELL MAY BE THE REASON WHY MCCARVER IS LEAVING THE BUSINESS:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wlx258D7OJY

     

     

    Tuesday
    Oct292013

    Put a Sock in it, Carl!

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   The I-Man HATES Halloween.  Probably because he spends the most of the year dodging people throwing Holy Water on him.

    “I THOUGHT ALL THE CROSSES WERE BECAUSE PEOPLE WANTED ME TO GIVE MY LIFE TO …JEEEE…ZUS!”

    6:17:56 a.m. –  Imus wonders if we can keep Carl Jeffers from hollering. 

    PUT A SOCK IN IT, CARL. THE I-MAN MAY BE DEAF, BUT HE’S REALLY NOT ALL THAT INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY

    6:35:12 a.m. –  Lou spent the better part of yesterday trying to locate the Elmo Buzz and the Eastside Bulldogs album, “S#!% Sandwich”, and after hearing two of the cuts off it, we’ve come to the conclusion that the title of the album is obviously a warning.   This discovery comes courtesy of our Sound Guy, (of all things) Trevor, who informs us that Todd Snider, the leader of ‘Elmo Buzz’, quit drinking right after they recorded the album.  Given the quality of the music…we think that decision may have been…premature.

    WAIT A MINUTE!  THAT ISN’T NUTELLA!

    7:15:34 a.m. –  Warner doesn’t want to bet a million imaginary dollars on the World Series or the rest of the regular season NFL games.  You know when you’re dealing with a man of integrity when he knows not to bet above his imaginary limit.

    WHAT WARNER’S LOST SO FAR

    7:22:57 a.m. – Warner reports a story about racing pigeons testing positive for performance enhancing substances.  This makes us postulate what a pigeon being confronted with doping allegations might actually look like.  “I swear, I thought my trainer was giving me B-12 shots!” One day the pigeon’s cooing, minding his own business, being fed peanuts by some old fart in the park, the next, he’s got a 22 inch chest, a wingspan like a condor, and he’s flying at Mach One.     

    THEY ALSO TESTED POSITIVE FOR COCAINE…NOTIHNG WORSE THAN A PIGEON WHO WON’T SHUT THE F#$K UP

    7:40:19 a.m. – Carl  Jeffers weighs in on the racial profiling at Barney’s.  The story is that two people were detained for SWB… ‘Shopping While Black’.  Carl can relate.  He’s been detained for ‘N S T F U W SH’   ‘Not shutting the f%$k up while shopping.’

    BARNEY’S WINDOW.  EVEN THE MANNEQUINS ARE ALL WHITE

    8:05:33 a.m. –   Imus mentions that there’s a new Starbuck’s in San Angelo Texas.  Problem is, it takes 20 minutes to go through the Drive Thru, because you have to explain everything to the Baristas.  “Um….I’m sorry sir, but...what is a ‘Black Eye’?”  “It’s what you’re gonna get if you don’t fix my effing coffee.”  There is more Starbucks controversy here in the studio  The I-Man is upset that he can’t retrieve his Starbucks Reward, he believes he’s due for some ‘free s#!&’.   Carley tries to explain to the multi-millionaire that he is still five stars short of the next free coffee.  He’s not happy.  WE’LL buy him the coffee if he’ll just SHUT THE HELL UP!

    5 MORE STARS…AND THEY’LL GIVE YOU A BLACK EYE, ALRIGHT

    8:11:12 a.m. –   Dr. Bill asks the I-Man if he’s running in the marathon.  Imus says that he is.  Bill says,  ‘I’m sure you’ll do it under four hours.’    Yeah, for the first half mile.  They won’t be using a stopwatch to calculate his time…they’ll be using a sundial.

    IT’S THURSDAY.  HE’S STILL IN BAY RIDGE, BROOKLYN

    8:17:56 a.m. –   Imus maintains he will never go to Olive Garden again.  He doesn’t like their attitude.  Besides, he doesn’t need them anymore.  He can get his real, authentic Italian food at IHOP.  That’s why they call it the ‘International’ House of Pancakes.

    “HEY NUNZIO!  SPIT IN THE MINESTRONE LIKE THIS! IT’S GOING TO THE I-MAN!”

    8:41:56 a.m. –   Bob Beckel is on, and clears up the mystery behind the Golf Pro he used to be married to.  Fortunately, it wasn’t Chi Chi Rodriguez, as we had initially suspected.

    APPARENTLY, ‘CHI CHI’ DIDN’T MEAN WHAT BECKEL ORIGINALLY THOUGHT IT DID

    9:11:37 a.m. –  Dagen reveals that Mike Baker, who will be on the I-Man’s very fine program tomorrow morning, will be a guest on her and Connell’s show today at 11 AM.  Imus asks what he’s going to talk about.  The NSA?  Obamacare?  Dagen doesn’t care, because Mike Baker is F.I.N.E.  HOT!  She just makes googly eyes at him, while Connell attempts to keep her from drooling on the desk.  Apparently, Ms. McDowell wouldn’t mind being water boarded by Agent Baker.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    AS IF YOU NEEDED YET ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE

    IHOP

    ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….WAIT FOR IT……………..

     

    DRUMROLL!

    STUFFED FRENCH TOAST!

    NOW TELL US THAT’S NOT LIVING THE DREAM.

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2Z6qyzc60M&feature=c4-overview&list=UUtuRdhByiHTXmAu4ia4s47A