6:06:06 a.m. – Dwight Yoakam has challenged the I-Man to a Chess Match, an idea that The Boss finds laughable. He sneers disdainfully at the Tight Dungaree Cowboy for the mere notion that hewould even CONSIDER something so idiotic. It would be like Gunz Challenging Ronda Rousey to a Steel Cage Match. “He wouldn’t last 40 moves with me. “
“I’M CASTLING MY KING, MOTHERF**KER! GET OUT OF THAT, BITCH!”
6:11:06 a.m. – “I’d beat Willie Nelson’s ass too. I’d take him out in about 4 moves.” , the Boss continues. That is, as long as the I-Team was playing at home. If Willie had the ‘Bus Advantage’, it would be difficult to see the board through the cloud of Dope Smoke.
WILLIE, THE ORIGINAL ‘CLOUD CHASER’
6:09:18 a.m. – Imus reveals that he is sicker than 9.3 Dogs. In fact, he feels so bad that, when he woke up at 3:30 this morning, he was actually planning to call in to say that he wouldn’t be coming to work, but he realized there was no one he could call , except for Carley and Connell. He wouldn’t even attempt to get Bigfoot on the phone, as he rightfully assumed that Bowman wouldn’t be in the Control Room. He then calls for Bigfoot, and Jessica puts up a shot that reveals…an empty seat. As everyone who’s ever hunted a Bigfoot already knows…they are extremely hard to catch.
“THESE ARE FRESH. BOWMAN WAS JUST HERE…”
6:12:18 a.m. – Bigfoot finally gets to work, and apologizes, claiming he was ‘Stuck in the Tunnel.’ It was probably a cave in on the one he’s digging with a spoon in the basement of the News Corp Building in an attempt to ‘Escape’.
TOM ‘ALMOST MADE IT’ , BUT STEVE MCQUEEN CHOKED WHEN THE I-MAN STARTED RANTING
6:40:14 a.m. – Richard Haass is on to talk about Yemen. He describes what’s going on over there as a Classic Civil War, a Proxy War, a Regional War. Just so we’re clear, Dicki…you’re saying its’…a war? WAR! Good God! What is it good for! Absolutely. NOTHIN’. Say it again now!
EDWIN STARR FROM THE MUSIC VIDEO OF HIS MOTOWN HIT,
‘WAR (WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?)’
6:42:27 a.m. – Mr. Haass goes on to say that he fears that Yemen will end up being a failed state, or, as he likes to call it, Ungoverned Spaces, where Terrorism can easily take root, much as plaque can get under your gums and cause Mr. Tooth Decay. Which, from what we can see, has already happened with the Yemeni.
ALMOST AS BAD AS THE BRITISH
7:05:10 a.m. – Mr. Imus says that he will be watching ‘Killing Jesus’ on the Nat Geo channel, which, we believe, is a strange choice of network for the airing, as the National Geographic Channel’s target audience is adolescent boys looking to catch a glimpse of Aborigine Nipple. The I-Man says he only read part of O’Reilly’s book, because he got irritated and doesn’t know why, (This month’s Theme: ‘I Don’t Know Why’) however, WE think we know why. It’s because his name isn’t mentioned anywhere in the text.
‘GOD’S OTHER SON’ GETS A LIFT FROM HIS BIG BROTHER J.C.
7:16:46 a.m. – After whining about not having a copy of Dwight Yoakam’s new album ‘Second Hand Heart’, but then Lou finds a few tunes from it online, one of which, is the ‘Title Tune’, prompting the Boss to comment that, more often than not, the Title Track from an album is usually not the best song on the record. He offers, as a glaring example, Lucinda Williams’ ‘Down Where the Spirit Meets The Bone’, which, we find a moot point, as NONE of the songs on the album are the best ones. Just like the Title Track from Abbey Road.
JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, AND DWIGHT
7:19:44 a.m. – Ashley reports that there may be a job opening for Gunz in Germany, where they are looking for a ‘Brothel Inspector’, someone to check the sanitary conditions and health of the hookers. Why does Ashley believe that Gunz is perfect for this position? The German Want Ad reads: ‘No Experience Necessary’, which, Lord knows, applies to Mr. Gunzelman.
“THERE ISN’T A WORKING GREASE TRAP IN THE KITCHEN, SO I HAVE TO GIVE THIS BROTHEL A… ‘C’. SORRY, LADIES… BUT I CAN BE PERSUADED TO CHANGE MY GRADE WITH A LITTLE… ‘ENCOURAGEMENT’.”
“NEIN, DANKE, SIE STIEFMÜTTERCHEN. WIR BLEIBEN MIT DER KLASSE ‘C’”
(No thanks, Pansy. We’ll stick with the ‘C’)
7:40:18 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE or, as we like to call it, MAYBE WATERBOARDING ISN’T ALL THAT BAD AFTER ALL. The ladies talk about, among other things, ‘Genetically Modified Foods’, which, naturally, Enviro-Barbie is against, although Lis Wiehl says she would happily eat a tomato that had flounder DNA in it. Which plays into the next topic, where a new Documentary about the Childhood Obesity Epidemic reveals a lack of availability of good, nutritious foods in poor communities, such as those in Mississippi. Deirdre calls into question Lis’ ‘Skinny Legs’ and we don’t know if it’s because her dietary habits include GMOs or unhealthy comestibles, because they were screaming so loud over each other, we couldn’t hear the inspiration for the comment. The I-Man concurs that Lis DOES have ‘Skinny Legs’, which is a complete 180 for him. Usually, it’s the ‘FAT’ legs he focuses on.
“DOES THIS DRESS MAKE MY LEGS LOOK SKINNY?”
ACTUALLY, WE THINK LIS’ OLIVE OYL MATCHSTICK GAMS…ARE KINDA HOT
8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man got FOOD on his shirt! It has begun. The Prophecy of Wyatt has come to pass. The Boss is beginning the short journey toward the oatmeal falling out of his mouth. Nat comes to the rescue with a ‘Shout It Out’ Pen. Which is the PERFECT solution for the I-Man’s problem…because he’s so effing DEAF.
“LET ME GET SOME ‘SHOUT’, BRO.” “WHAT?” “I’M GOING TO GET SOME SHOUT TO REMOVE THAT STAIN ON YOUR SHIRT.” “WHAT?”
“I’M GOING TO GET SOMETHING TO TAKE THE F**KING STAIN OUT OF YOUR F**KING SHIRT, YOU DEAF OLD F**K!”
8:16:32 a.m. – Imus wisely observes that “People are Crazier than they used to be.” He says this just prior to Promoting Mary Matalin’s appearance coming up at the bottom of the hour. Coincidence? Who’s to say?
MARY MATALIN: BATSH#T CRAZY
8:40:16 a.m. – Mary Matalin is on the phone, and she does NOT want to go down the ‘Used to Work For That War Criminal, Draft Dodging, Friend’s Face Shooting Dick Cheney’ Road, as the I-Man attempts to lead her there. We suspect Mary may have already been in the cooking Sherry…after all, she IS in New Orleans, and it’s 7:40 a.m. there, which is already two hours after what they call their 5 O’clock. (Happy Hour Starts in the morning, continues through the day, and most of the night, taking off just 20 Minutes around 4:15 a.m. to change the Beer Kegs) Laissez Les Bon Temps Roule! She makes the following statement: “Ted Cruz is a genius.” Obviously, Mary is drinking for two this morning.
“I LOVE THE SMELL OF MERLOT IN THE MORNING…IT SMELLS LIKE…A FRENCHMAN’S MUSTACHE.”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
THE AUSTRALIAN GUNZ, WITH
‘INSPECTOR’S FUNNIEST BROTHEL VIDEOS’