SPECIAL GROUNDHOG DAY EDITION
6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man discusses last night’s Super Bowl, and the first thing he comments on is, of course, not the asinine screen pass that cinched the game for the Patriots, but that…Idina Menzel can’t sing. Her rendition of the National Anthem was…well, not aesthetically pleasing to the Boss. At least he knew how to pronounce her name.
SURPRISE GUEST JOHN TRAVOLTA WATCHING HIS ALL-TIME FAVORITE SINGER, ADELE NAZEEM, CRUSH IT WITH THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER.
6:06:12 a.m. – The Boss then asks the question, “Is there a bigger douche than Robert Kraft?” This morning, we believe Pete Carroll is the ‘King of Douchedom.’ Instead of giving the football to his All-Pro, All-Star, Running Back, Beast-Mode Marshawn Lynch, he threw it to a guy who couldn’t catch Gonorrhea. Ricardo Lockette will be going from the Super Bowl, to the Super Market…asking you if you want Paper or Plastic.
DON’T DROP THE EGGS, RICARDO. BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO CATCH THEM
6:12:18 a.m. – Carley is not here. Allie is taking her place. “Allie is fine”, the I-Man says. “She’s more than fine” offers Connell. “No she’s not MORE than fine…she’s fine. Don’t overpraise people.” That’s a problem around here. All the overpraising.
PRAISE GOD…NOT THE HELP. AFTER ALL, GOD WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH ETERNAL LIFE… WHAT ARE THEY EVER GONNA DO FOR YOU?
6:41:08 a.m. – Bo Dietl is here, and he says his heart…is clear. He has had another coronary procedure, yet another stint. Bo is officially the Stint Master. He advises the audience that if they feel like something strange is happening to their body…not to wait, go right to the Doctor. Does that include…erections? Well, probably. At this point, if a Woody presented itself without the aid of Viagra, that would be something strange happening to our bodies…and it certainly warrant an ER visit.
“HAVE YOU HAD THIS HAPPEN TO YOU BEFORE THIS TIME?”
“WELL, DOCTOR, NOT FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS…”
6:46:08 a.m. – The I-Man chastens Bo for refusing to change his ways, to become Vegan and eschew meat in favor of a plant-based diet. Bo says that he’s not going to do what Imus does, and eat ‘Yak Load’. You would, Bo, if you knew how to prepare it correctly.
BRING THE YAK LOAD TO A LOW BOIL AND THEN SIMMER FOR 45 MINUTES, STIRRING OCCASIONALLY WHILE YOU WAIT FOR THE PIZZA TO BE DELIVERED
6:55:11a.m. – Bo stops in the studio before he leaves, to say goodbye, and to comment on the Punxsutawney Phil Ground Hog ceremony that Bigfoot has up on the large monitor. “Last year, Mayor Big Bird, dropped the f%$king gopher! He dropped the F^&$ing thing! See that there? DeBlasio dropped the f^%#ing gopher! And it DIED!” Thanks for remembering, Bo. We, however, believe that the Groundhog leapt to his death, and upon a complete investigation, it will be revealed that he actually killed HIMSELF. An apparent Rodenticide.
“GET ME THE F%$%K AWAY FROM THIS A$*HOLE!”
‘STATEN ISLAND CHUCK’…NOT EXACTLY A DE BLASIO FAN
“DAMMIT! I SAID ‘DON’T DRIVE ANGRY’!”
7:01:44 a.m. – The I-Man wore his Adidas Country sneakers without sox…and there’s 4 inches of slush at the curb by the studio entrance, which, as there is a God, he stepped into. He is brilliant at many things, Imus is, but, APPARENTLY, a judge of appropriate footwear is not in his wheelhouse.
NAT GIVES THE I-MAN A LITTLE HELP GETTING TO THE STUDIO SO HE DOESN’T GET HIS SNEAKS WET
7:12:24 a.m. – Cannabis Oil. The Boss wants to know where he can get some. Cannabis Oil, that is. Which is somewhat ironic, in that, there was a time when the I-Man could find ANY drug at ANY Time of the Day or Night, and get it delivered to the Penthouse on Astor Place during the 70’s. He says that it’s a holistic cure for a lot of maladies…SO we assume he’s got Glaucoma. Wait till he finds out you can’t get high from it. He says “It’s illegal to buy it in New York, isn’t it?” Well, seeing as how we’re in NEW Amsterdam and not Amsterdam…um, yeah, it is.
SNOOP AND IMUS, FO’ SHIZZLE. SNOOP WILL NEVER GET CANCER
7:24:27 a.m. – We discuss, and then actually watch, Punxsutawney Phil, the Groundhog in Gobbler’s Knob…which, for us, is the only thing worth the time. We see the old, fat, white guys in Tuxedos and Top Hats, make idiots of themselves, and we find ourselves wishing that when they free Phil from his little hutch, that the Angry Rodent goes for one of their throats. After an interminable amount of time waiting for some Rat’s Cousin, when we are informed there will be 6 more weeks of Winter. What? Oh, wait minute. It IS six more weeks to March 20th…the official beginning of Spring. Which means this Overblown Squirrel’s Prognosticating is…MOOT. We also know that Richard Gere is watching this event wondering where Phil will be going after the celebration is over. We want one of the fat white guys in the top hat to stuff Phil in his pants so he can use his big, sharp, rodent teeth to ‘Gobble’ their ‘Knobs’.
“DON’T DROP THE F%$KIN’ GOPHER!”
7:36:32 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS a special, Super Bowl, Post Mortem edition, where we learn that Pete Carroll made the dumbest decision in NFL history. Perhaps the dumbest decision IN ALL HISTORY. Ahead of the Titanic Captain saying “Full Speed Ahead”’, Custer going, “C’mon, how many could there be?” And the invention of New Coke. We also learn that Gunz likes to ‘Drunk Email’ the I-Man. Which is similar to ‘Drunk Texting’, except without the pictures of his penis. They talked about Katy Perry, and the Superbowl Commercials, (Especially the one with the dead kid.)
YOU WERE LUCKY. YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO WATCH THE HALF TIME SHOW
“I’LL START WITH THIS ONE…OH, WAIT A SECOND…HE’S DEAD.”
ALTHOUGH, LIS WIEHL WOULD’VE TAUGHT ME WHAT A ‘GILF’ IS
8:05:10 a.m. – Dagen, although she HATES the Patriots, reveals that she put their All-Star, All-Pro, Tight End, Rob Gronkowski, in HER ‘Spank Bubble’. Of course, Rollo, her husband, thought her moaning ‘Gronk…Gronk…’ was just her snoring.
DAGEN WAS RIGHT. HIS QUALITY OF PUSSIES HAS IMPROVED. AS WELL AS THE KITTENS
8:17:32 a.m. – Ashley Webster chimes in on the Super Bowl, and was not a fan of Katie Perry’s Super Bowl Half Time Show. He thought it was cheesey, overproduced, and, ultimately, boring. He thinks she should’ve gone down to Punxsutawney and ‘Kissed’ the Rodent. Which she has much experience doing. She actually MARRIED Russell Brand.
IF WE WERE HER, WE WOULD’VE PUT PAPER DOWN FIRST
VIDEO OF THE DAY
THIS IS THE WAY THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS SUNG