Thursday
Sep262013

RIP Twinky

6:05:00 a.m.  –   “It’s a sad day in the Imus Family today.   The gerbil died…so Bismarck isn’t here. “   Bismarck and his husband, Wilbert, will be holding a wake at the “Rainbow Bridge Funeral Home”…viewings from 2-4 and 7-9 with funeral and internment at the ‘Special Friends’ Pet Cemetery.

R.I.P. “TWINKY”

MAY 15, 2011 – SEPTEMBER 25, 2013

6:07:56 a.m. – Apparently, Father Jonathan Morris is stealing from the I-Man.  Imus had a phone conversation with the Good Father about the Gospels, and he noticed that he made the same points the I-Man did, when Morris appeared with Bill O’Reilly.  A Priest, stealing from the Devil.  It’s one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse.

IT’S LIKE ARM WRESTLING FOR SOULS

6:18:12 a.m. –   Warner plays a radio call from the Brewers/Braves game last night, where the announcer coins a new phrase, that is, actually, ‘Warner Worthy’:  “Proctometrist”.   Which, we believe, is an eye doctor who looks up into the nether regions of his patients.

“OKAY, NOW, READ THE CHART”

6:40:28 a.m. –  Stuart Varney defends his bringing his lunch from home, by saying that he’s merely being ‘thrifty’.  It then degenerates into who had it worse coming up, himself, or the I-Man.  The I-Man was homeless, and stood in the rain for 14 hours with zero money trying to get to L.A. from Arizona.  Stuart once was so hungry he almost killed a seagull over a half eaten sandwich.  Now, look at them.  Imus has more money than God and still looks like he’s standing out in the rain, and Stuart is still crazy enough to kill a seagull.  And then eat it.

“HEY CHARLIE!  WATCH OUT!  THAT WEIRD, LIMEY DUDE IS LOOKIN’ AT YOU!”

7:03:22 a.m. –  Dr. Bill uses his Porno Weatherman voice during his forecast.  It’s strangely unsettling.  We can almost hear him saying… “Hey baby…my barometer is rising…there’s a high pressure system coming your way.”

THIS IS THE KIND OF ‘WEATHER PORN’ WE’RE TALKIN’ ABOUT

7:15:57 a.m. – Tony’s ‘Powell to the People’ segment airs, where 6 out of 10 people picked Gunz as a likely  killer from a board that also had pictures of Ted Bundy, Scott Petersen and Aaron Hernandez.  He reveals that Carley was with him to produce the shoot, and for some reason, when she asks men if they are willing to stop and answer a question for her…she has NO problem.  They will answer anything she asks.  Unfortunately, it’s Tony who is doing the asking, BUT, they stare at her while they answer anyway.  Carley is kind of the TV Carrot being dangled in front of the donkeys on the street.

AN ASSET TO ANY ‘MAN ON THE STREET’ INTERVIEW

7:40:19 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting.  While excoriating Miley Cyrus for ‘Twerking’ at the VMAs Gunz asserts that Madonna and Kate Upton could have done it and no one would have taken issue with either of them. So, in his opinion, “They EARNED the RIGHT to Twerk.”   We assume they obtain license by taking some kind of test.

MILEY TWERKING ‘BEETLEJUICE’ AT THE VMAS

7:48:19 a.m. –   Gunz is sporting a haircut that…well, let’s just say you’ve seen better ‘dos on a Chia Pet than the “Heat Miser” look he’s going for.  Or ‘Beaker’ from the Muppets.

GUNZ…SPORTING HIS NEW HAIRCUT

7:55:29 a.m. –   “Hey Carley, I’m still hungry.  What do they have to eat over there?” Imus asks, referring to Starbucks.  Carley lists the options; they include another yogurt, a bagel, or a banana.  NOBODY.  NO BOD DEE wants to see Imus eat a Banana.  It’s like watching Geriatric Porn.  Frustrated, Carley offers:  “Why don’t you have a Bacon, Egg and Cheese Sandwich?”   Yet ANOTHER reason why we love this woman.

PARAPHRASING ‘BLURRED LINES’: C’MON, I-MAN.  YOU KNOW YOU WANT ONE

8:01:33 a.m. –   Dr. Bill is under the misguided notion that it was the I-Man’s Gerbil that passed away, not Bismarck’s.   Imus VIGOROUSLY denies that it’s his.  We think he doth protesteth too much.  NOBODY ever admits that the gerbil belongs to them.  It certainly would explain those sudden jumps and squeals of pain during the program that he claims are ‘leg cramps’

FYI: DON’T PUT THE WHEEL UP THERE AS WELL

8:15:12 a.m. –   Warner shares a story about Alden Smith, the 49er Defensive End, who has checked himself into rehab for Alcohol Abuse.  A recent party he threw ended with him firing a gun into the air to signify that the event was over.  We guess nobody got the hint by his just turning on the lights. 

“LOOK AT THE RINGS ON THAT COFFEE TABLE!  AIN’T NONE OF YOU PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF COASTERS?”

8:21:56 a.m. –   Bismarck’s cover for his absence, the Lovely Dawn, comes out on set to ‘powder off’ the I-Man…which is like putting touch up paint on the Hindenburg.  When Imus asks why Bismarck never does touch ups…we inform him that Dawn just hasn’t figured out what Bismarck did year ago…it’s pretty much a Sisyphean effort. (ARCANE, CONDESCENDING LITERARY REFERENCE ALERT!)

SISYPHUS.  DUDE.  IT’S JUST GONNA ROLL RIGHT BACK DOWN.

8:40:37 a.m. – Juan Williams is on, talking Ted Cruz, the Redskins and the Washington Nationals.  What do these topics have in common?   None of them are going to go anywhere any time soon.

A VALID POINT…MADE BY THE I-MAN MANY TIMES BEFORE

VIDEO OF THE DAY

INSPIRED BY STUART VARNEY AND THE I-MAN’S SPIRITED DISCUSSION ON BEING HUNGRY, A CLASSIC SCENE FROM CHARLIE CHAPLIN

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gY0DOnNK3Wg

 

Wednesday
Sep252013

Men With Plastic Surgery

6:05:00 a.m.  –   “Other than to correct a deformity, name ONE person who looks better with plastic surgery.”   The I-Man is referring mostly to men, Kenny Rogers and Bruce Jenner…who both look like old Asian women.   We don’t know why they just didn’t embrace their  wrinkles…celebrate the Sharpei-like flesh folds that create ‘character’…you know, like the I-Man.

CARROT TOP…LOOKS LIKE KATHY GRIFFIN

6:07:56 a.m. –  A short walk down memory lane with Imus, as he relates a story about a ‘Radiothon’ Fundraiser to help build a Drug Abuse Center, in which he stayed on the air for 58 hours…with the use of Black Beauties.

THESE LADIES HELPED THE I-MAN STAY AWAKE

6:15:12 a.m. –  Imus watches a clip of Senator Ted Cruz’s filibuster and asks the question:  What happened to all the GREAT Senators like Lyndon Johnson, Estes Kefauver, Everett Dirkson?   Um……well, I-Man…they’re dead.

SENATOR EVERETT DIRKSON…WE HARDLY KNEW YE

6:40:28 a.m. –  K.T. McFarland is on to discuss the U.N. General Assembly taking place in Manhattan today, which is totally screwing up traffic like you wouldn’t believe.  It’s nice to know what idiotic, global political, bulls#** going on that’s causing it to take an hour and 45 minutes to go six blocks.

THANKS A LOT, BAN KI MOON

6:45:45 a.m. –  Imus asks K.T. what she does in her spare time… Watch Sports?  Breaking Bad?  She does neither.  “Does Mr. McFarland tie you up?”   She responds:  “Why?  Are you bringing a camera?”   Just as we suspected.  K.T. is a FREAK.

A TYPICAL FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE MCFARLANDS

7:05:22 a.m. – The I-Man is looking for blood.  He wants to know who is responsible for the five seconds of silence after the Weather Report.  We learn that Crash has been compensating for the I-Man’s conversations with Dr. Bill.  Never mind.  Crash is a genius.

NO, THAT’S NOT THE SIGN THAT LIGHTS UP WHEN JOHN GAMBLING TURNS HIS MIKE ON

7:10:57 a.m. –  Imus continues bemoaning the slide in quality of Senators…he blames Chuck Schumer for starting the trend.  “This is the guy who gave you Anthony Weiner.”   Yes, he did, and, on behalf of comedians everywhere…we’d like to thank Chuck from the bottom of our hearts. 

SENATOR SCHUMER DEMONSTRATING WHAT CONGRESSMAN WEINER’S WEINER LOOKS LIKE

7:16:19 a.m. –  “A big shout out to the Iranian President”.   The I-Man welcomes Hassan Rouhani to the United States.  They have a lot in common.  Both have millions of followers, both are controversial figures and both are sponsored by ‘My Pillow’.

AND THEY BOTH WEAR INTERESTING HATS

7:40:19 a.m. –  Blonde on Blonde is particularly contentious this morning, the topics ranging from Children’s Beauty Pageants to Low Fat Fast Food Fries.  Topics that cause Lis to get defensive and the top of Deirdre’s head to explode.    Lis should just cut her losses and put the dunce cap on at the beginning of the segment.

THE IRONY IS…THE MOTHERS OF THE BEAUTY PAGEANT CONTESTANTS WON’T LET THEM EAT THESE

8:05:33 a.m. –   “Who pinches off a loaf in a pool?”   Not the kind of question you would begin an interview with, but it’s the one the I-Man asks after relating a story about Wyatt’s encounter with a “Fecal Incident” in a swimming pool at some Texas Resort.  “How would one go about doing that?”  he wants to know… ‘Elvis’ says… “Well…first you get up on the diving board…”  What’s troubling is that the I-Man actually wants to know.  Is he planning on doing something we don’t know?

BETTER HOPE THAT’S A ‘BABY RUTH’

8:16:12 a.m. –   Imus notes that Michael Douglas AND Catherine Zeta-Jones are sharing a birthday today, and that Mr. Douglas is “69…which is what led to that Throat Cancer.”  

GENTLEMEN…WHEN YOU ‘DO YOUR OLD LADY A FAVOR’…MAKE SURE YOU LOOK OUT FOR THIS…

8:41:56 a.m. –   Neil Cavuto is on from Washington, D.C. to cover Ted Cruz’s ‘Fillibuster’.  “Eddie Munster called, he wants his hair back.”  Imus tells him.  “Beetlejuice called…he wants his soul back…” comes Cavuto’s witty retort.  Check…and Mate.

CAVUTO AND THE I-MAN HAVE A LITTLE ‘CHAT’

9:11:37 a.m. –  The I-Man is inspired by Fat Elvis to get himself a Peanut Butter and Bacon Sandwich.  Well, not quite peanut butter…almond butter…and not exactly bacon…vegetarian ‘Fakin’ Bacon’…all on sprouted whole grain toast.   Which, should our instincts be correct, will taste about as much like the real thing as square of roofing material with carpet glue and popsicle sticks.

YOU WOULD RATHER EAT THIS PALLET OF CEDAR SHAKE SHINGLES THAN THAT FAKIN’ BACON SANDWICH

VIDEO OF THE DAY

SPEAKING OF ‘DOODY IN THE POOL’

THE CLASSIC SCENE FROM ‘CADDYSHACK’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYrY8aFCUCQ

Tuesday
Sep242013

Warren Haynes is Here!

6:05:00 a.m.  –   Warren Haynes and Govt. Mule are on today, and it’s gonna get all bluesy up in here.  The I-Man tells Warren that he has him on his ‘Rodeo Playlist’.   Warren appears to be ‘underwhelmed’.  There’s two reasons why.  He has no idea what the hell the I-Man’s ‘Rodeo Playlist’ is.  Two, he’s Warren Haynes…he should be on EVERYBODY’S playlist.

 

6:07:56 a.m. –  “Congratulations to Lou Rufino and Nat Candido for being drunk before I arrived.”  Imus commenting on yesterday’s golf outing.  What did he expect?   It’s really just a mathematical equation: Lou + Nat + Free Beer = Drunk.

“…WHA?  NAH…NO…NO…I’M FINE.  I’M FINE.  I CAN DRIVE.”

6:15:12 a.m. – Dagen admits to having an itty bitty ‘crush’ on Mike Breen.  When Imus reminds her that they are both, supposedly, ‘happily’ married, she says she can admire him from afar and watch him do some play by play.   “Lebron takes it to the hole and slams it in.”  And then she has a cigarette.

THIS IS WHAT ‘MAKES IT MOVE’ FOR DAGEN?  WE GUESS HE’S JUST NOT OUR TYPE

6:25:34 a.m. –  Warner tells the I-Man a gruesome story about how tough NFL Players are, Arizona Cardinals Rashad Johnson lost the top part of his finger in a 31-7 loss…and even after he discovered the finger missing…continued to play.  We learn Cowboy Radio Hosts aren’t nearly as tough.  Imus nearly urps up his yogurt. 

IT COULD’VE BEEN WORSE…HE COULD’VE SEVERED HIS JOHNSON

6:40:28 a.m. –  Warren Haynes blows us all away with his first song.  It’s SIX F&*%ING FORTY IN THE MORNING!  Although it’s probably  8:30 P.M.  ‘Band Time’.  

THESE DUDES KNOW HOW TO ‘BRING IT’…AS EARLY AS YOU WANNA BE

7:05:22 a.m. – Imus informs us that, in addition to his ‘Rodeo Playlist’, he has a ‘Jazz Playlist’.  Does he have a ‘Rest Home Playlist’?  Because this obsessive compulsion to make these playlists make us think that maybe it’s time for the Old Cranky Cowboy to get a room at Shady Acres.

THE I-MAN LISTENING TO HIS ‘HIP REPLACEMENT’ PLAYLIST

 (ARTISTS RENDERING)

7:12:57 a.m. – The I-Man met the folks from Ateevia last night, the ones who were responsible for the amazing pain cream he’s been humping on the air for the last month or so.  Unfortunately, they were, what Seinfeld called ‘Close Talkers’…the kind of people who feel like they need to be a half inch from your face to hold a conversation with you.  This behavior usually manifests itself at Weddings and family Thanksgivings…after Uncle Ted has had his 8th glass of Rye.  “Yew know…your fatherrrr…he thinks he’s such a big sssssshhhhhot…”

“HEY….HEY…LISSEN…LISSEN…I LOVE YOU MAN!”

7:30:19 a.m. –  Govt. Mule kicks ass again.  Another reminder why we actually like to get up and come to work every morning.   Aside from seeing the  I-Man, of course.

THIS FEELS WEIRD…NOT HAVING SMOKED A JOINT EARLIER

7:43:19 a.m. –  Columnist Stanley Crouch is on to promote his new book Kansas City Lightning:  The Life and Times of Charlie Parker.  We know this is the beginning of a new Imus obsession…replacing ‘Astral Weeks’, The Eagles Documentary, and Whittaker Chambers.  Over the next few weeks, we will be listening to the ENTIRE  ‘Bird’ catalogue, treated to various ‘anecdotes’ about his life…and developing our own 500 dollar a day Heroin Habit.

CHARLIE ‘BIRD’ PARKER AND THE YOUNG DON IMUS AT THE BLUE NOTE

 (CIRCA 1957)

8:05:33 a.m. –   Stanley Crouch is such a compelling guest, he’s a holdover through the top of the hour.  His stories about Charlie Parker are fascinating…even CONNELL is hanging on his every word. 

 

“MR. MCSHANE…MR. MCSHANE…CAN YOU STOP WRITING FOR JUST ONE SECOND AND LISTEN?”

8:41:56 a.m. –   Warren Haynes explains the concept of the new album ‘Shout!’, which has 11 new songs.  It’s a Two Disc affair, one with Warren singing lead vocals, and the other disc with guest artists, such as Steve Winwood and Elvis Costello, singing their versions of the same song.  This, of course, is an idea that takes some time for the I-Man to wrap his head around. 

THIS ALBUM DROPS TODAY!!

VIDEO OF THE DAY

 

THE GREAT CHARLIE PARKER WITH COLEMAN HAWKINS

FROM 1950

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ta_UByyi4Z0

Monday
Sep232013

The 6th Annual Imus Ranch Golf Outing is Today!

6:05:00 a.m.  –  The I-Man is tired this morning, as he got in late last night from Texas, because Wyatt was competing in the District Nine HIGH SCHOOL Rodeo, in which, as has become the norm, he kicked serious ass.  The way Imus is acting, you would’ve thought HE was the one who did all the roping and tying.  Apparently, sitting in the stands, checking his iPhone for Football Score updates from his ESPN app, and the Private Jet Round Trip…wore the old cowboy out.  He’ll probably need Deirdre to drive the golf cart around today because…

6:06:37 a.m. – Today is the 6th Annual Imus Ranch Golf Classic, and you can tell how fired up the I-Man is about the event.  “I don’t have to be there when it starts, right?  I really just have to show up for the dinner.”  As opposed to napping in the clubhouse, and every once in awhile driving around in a cart to disparage the performance of all the participants in their whale pattern pants.

THIS IS HOW WE WILL BE SPENDING OUR DAY, WATCHING FAT YUPPIES CHASE A LITTLE WHITE BALL AROUND A BIG LAWN.  WE WILL BE DRINKING.  HEAVILY.

6:07:56 a.m. –  Imus reports that the Rodeo Arena in Crockett, Texas, has internet access so he was able to stay in touch with the Peeps…much to the chagrin of his Peeps.

THANKS TO THE INTERNET ACCESS, THE I-MAN WAS ABLE TO EMAIL LUPICA ABOUT HOW FAT THIS RODEO CLOWN WAS

6:15:12 a.m. –  Warner reveals the results of his football picks.  And he did incredibly well…that is, if you don’t count Thursday’s and Monday’s games…which is like Custer’s Battle Victory History not including Little Big Horn.

“UNFORTUNATELY, WARNER, ‘FAT TONY’ SAYS WE GOTTA COUNT ALL THE GAMES”

6:40:28 a.m. –  Bo Dietl is on to inform us that Rob Reiner, ‘Meathead’ from ‘All in the Family’ ‘Don’t make a move witout me.’   Apparently, Mr. Reiner, the actor, director, and RAGING LIBERAL hitched a ride on Bo’s Private Jet from L.A. to New York.  We would give anything to have been a fly on the wall of that cabin…to listen to the spirited political discourse that occurred.   Knowing that, by the time they reached Teterboro, Mr. Reiner will be against same sex marriage, FOR racial profiling, and unrestricted access to guns…as one will most likely have been pointed at him for most of the trip.

ROB REINER BEFORE THE PLANE TRIP WITH BO (L) AND THEN AFTER ®

6:55:45 a.m. –  Carley gives the I-Man his daily Yogurt Parfait, today’s flavor being ‘Peach/Raspberry’ which, Imus says, is his favorite.  Carley agrees…as she also partook of the tasty treat, which, she says, “It’s like we’re having breakfast together.”     Ewwwwww.  We just lost our appetite.  Watching the I-Man lick the lid of the Yogurt container is so stomach churning, it could easily take the place of a stomach stapling.  If Carley were around to see that particularly disgusting display, we think she might wind up bulimic.

SOON, CARLEY WILL NEED TO FEED THE I-MAN HIS YOGURT WITH A BOTTLE

7:16:47 a.m. –  The I-Man hates sports announcers on TV.  “That’s why I watch with the sound down.”   Somewhat ironic, in that most Sports Announcers on TV listen to Imus on the radio with the sound turned down as well.

“HE SOUNDS SO MUCH BETTER THIS WAY…”

7:22:57 a.m. – During a story about Denver Linebacker Von Miller, Warner has a hard time pronouncing the word ‘Urine’.  We may have to check Warner’s coffee.  Not to see if it has urine in it, like the I-Man’s, but whether it’s spiked with wine. 

THAT’S NOT THE CHARDONNAY, WARNER

7:40:19 a.m. – Jeff Benedict and Armen Keteyian are on to discuss their book The System’, which delves into the seamy underbelly of college athletics…a world, in which, female ‘escorts’ are employed to convince High School Seniors to play for their team.   You never see those kinds of recruitment techniques employed with the ‘Mathletes’

SEE WHAT GETTING 2398 ON YOUR SAT WILL GET YOU?

8:05:33 a.m. –   We need to get Deirdre to speak topless tonight at the Golf Dinner.   A noble effort…which might also make it easier to take when he tells the “Mother Teresa…I’ll start with this leper over here.” Speech.  As long as HE doesn’t speak topless we’re good to go.

DID SHE SAY SOMETHING?  WE WERE UM…DISTRACTED

8:16:33 a.m. –   Warner reports that, in an effort to improve attendance at Soccer Games, some teams are employing ‘striptease dancers’ to perform on the field prior to the start. The fact that Warner refers to them as ‘Striptease Dancers’ makes us  wonder what kind of strippers they will be employing…obviously not the first stringers…we’re talking ladies who need pasties on their shoes…because that’s where their breasts would be.

YET ONE MORE REASON TO HATE SOCCER

8:18:44 a.m. –   “Warner, did you do all the sports you wanted to do?”  No…wait…don’t….DAMN too late!  “Well, I-Man, you can always do more sports…”  Great.  Now we will get another 22 minutes of the Welch’s Grape Jelly Marble Shooting Classic.  WHAT the hell was Imus thinking?

WE JUST HOPE HE DOESN’T START READING PASSAGES FROM HIS BOOK

8:41:56 a.m. –   Mary Matalin is on to discuss politics and why she didn’t call in last week.  I-Man suggests that perhaps she was too hung over to speak on the phone, and wonders what time she will begin drinking today.  Probably soon…and we can’t blame her.  If we were married to James Carville, we’d drink too.

“MAKE IT DOUBLE…I HAVE TO LOOK AT THAT FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT.”

9:11:37 a.m. –  The I-Man fell asleep during the local news break.  We were two seconds away from getting the paddles.  Can’t be too careful.  Then again, it WAS Connell doing the news…so we really can’t blame The Boss for nodding out. 

SOMEBODY GET A MIRROR…HE’S DROOLING MORE THAN NORMAL

 

VIDEO OF THE DAY

 

WE LEAVE YOU NOW, TO HEAD OUT TO THE GOLF OUTING

IN THE SPIRIT OF BEING OUT ON THE LINKS ON A BEAUTIFUL DAY LIKE THIS, WE OFFER WHAT, WE BELIEVE, THE DAY WILL LOOK LIKE:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bg8lSyGavc4

Friday
Sep202013

Fridays With Imus

6:05:00 a.m.  –   “Fridays With Imus”…it’s like ‘Tuesdays With Morrie’…because Morrie didn’t get his Tuesdays off either.  That’s where the similarities end, because the I-Man, “…PRAISE GAWD-UH!” got the fabulous news that his Cancer remains in the capsule and has NOT spread into his bones.  You’d think something this profound would put him in a better mood.  Apparently not.

FROM THE PLAY: ‘FRIDAYS WITH IMUS’: CONNELL AND THE ‘I-MAN’

6:07:56 a.m. –  Imus is watching 'Fox n' Friends First' with the sound off imagining that the lovely hosts Ainsley Earhardt and Heather Childers are saying, “Please come to my house and tie me up.”

WE KNOW WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CRITICIZE ROGER AILES…BUT HE’S GOT NO BUSINESS PUTTING THOSE TWO FINE WOMEN ON TV AT THE SAME TIME

6:15:12 a.m. –  Elizabeth Hasselbeck, the new host of ‘Fox n’ Friends’, gave Imus the brush off this morning upon his arrival to the Fox Studios.  She gave Carley a bright and cheery greeting this morning, apparently, but there was no love for the I-Man.  We have no idea why she would be so rude to the Boss…unless she’s upset about that comment he made where he wondered if she was as dumb as Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade.  (Which, of course, NOBODY is as dumb as those two)

ELIZABETH HASSELBECK: SHE’S A ‘SURVIVOR’

6:25:34 a.m. –  Connell reports a story about a Mass Shooting in Chicago, in which, a 3 year old was wounded, but the way the sentence was written, it sounds as if the little tyke was actually the gunman.  Which brings up images of a Toddler Tri-Cycle Drive By.

“PUT DOWN THE MILK N’ COOKIES…AND BACK AWAY SLOWLY”

6:40:28 a.m. –  The Devil called Father Jonathan Morris to test his Faith.  The I-Man wanted to take issue with the Good Father’s belief that John was, indeed, written by the disciple of the same name, an eye-witness to the miracles, healings and teachings.  Who could possibly be right?  An ordained priest who spent years in the seminary studying the very document in question?  Or some cranky cowboy deejay who thinks it’s funny to substitute the word ‘election’ with ‘erection’?   Why, the latter of course.

‘SATAN’ AND HIS ‘I-PHONE’

7:03:45 a.m. –  Connell reads a story about a ‘Wheelchair Bandit’…no, not someone who steals Wheelchairs…but some guy robbing people from his wheelchair.   

WE DON’T KNOW WHY HE HASN’T BEEN APPREHENDED AS OF YET…IT’S NOT LIKE HE’S GOING TO GET FAR ON FOOT…

7:09:22 a.m. – The I-Man, Wyatt and Zach have been invited by the president of the University of Texas to attend a Longhorns football game.  He informs them that they will not be attending until the team starts ‘Winning some games’.  Which is also the reason why he won’t accept Fred Wilpon’s offer for the three to attend a Mets game.

“HEY GUYS!  LOOK IN THE OWNER’S BOX!  BEA ARTHUR IS THERE WITH HER GREAT GRANDKIDS!”

7:12:57 a.m. –  “What was that?  Star Wars?”  Imus’ reaction to seeing a video of the Iranian President. 

“MMMMMM….HASSAN ROUHANI I AM…”

7:20:33 a.m. –  The Lovely Dawn is filling in for our usual Makeup Artist, Bismarck, and has come out into the studio twice already to touch up the I-Man’s face.  “How come Bismarck doesn’t do this?  He demands to know.  “Because he’s back there playing ‘Game Boy’ and texting pictures of his penis to his husband Wilbert?’   Well, quite frankly, and not to put too fine a point on it, I-Man…yes.

YOU CAN’T SEE IT IN THIS REFLECTION, BUT BISMARCK IS TAKING A ‘SELFIE’ OF HIS ‘PINGA’

7:40:19 a.m. – Carl, ‘Two Questions’ Jeffers is on.  He and the I-Man discuss race relations.  We learn that Tony Powell is an African-American on the program.  He’s stunned.  Nobody told him.

“SO THAT’S WHY IT’S SO HARD FOR ME TO GET A CAB!”

8:02:33 a.m. –   The I-Man asks Dr. Bill if he’s ever had an erection that lasted more than four hours, and if so, who would you call?  “That’s easy”…the good Dr. says… “Everybody I’ve ever met”

MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALL A DOCTOR, DR. BILL

8:07:12 a.m. –   Wyatt’s beloved dog, “Lucinda”, the Red Heeler pup he rescued in New Mexico, and the very same one that had been ‘lost’ by The Ritzy Canine, the Pet Boarding Nightmare that Joe Tacopina successfully put out of business afterwards, is sick.  Imus is beside himself, as the dog is a very important part of his family.  Now, Virgil, on the other hand, is the ‘Single worst dog on the planet…she is NOT a Red Heeler…she’s a Norfolk Terrier bought from a breeder.’  Just as Dick Cavett said about Dick Cheney, “Why can’t it ever be Virgil?”   It’s funny, because Virgil’s reading the papers when she pees on them…while she watches the program, and so she’s always saying, “Why can’t it ever be the I-Man?”

VIRGIL SAYS ‘HELLO’ TO THE I-MAN

8:17:12 a.m. –   The Lovely Dawn comes out AGAIN to tend to the I-Man…it’s like she’s a Makeup Pit Crew.  While she’s jacking up the I-Man’s neck, he asks her why she’s coming out so much…she normally takes care of Stuart Varney, and she fixes his makeup three times per show.  “He ever hit on you?”  The Boss wants to know.  “Noooooo!” she protests… “He’s old enough to be my FATHER!”   “Yeah?  So?”  comes the response.  It’s his experience that age doesn’t pose a problem.

IN IMUS WORLD, THIS IS PERFECTLY NORMAL

8:41:56 a.m. –   Melissa, ‘Andy Roddick Eyes’ Francis is the guest.  She tells a harrowing story of her absolutely Bat S#*t crazy mother.  The Senior Mrs. Francis made Joan Crawford look like ‘Mother of the Year’.

9:11:37 a.m. –  After a Godfather essay about ‘Midget Porn’, Mike Lupica’s name is invoked, inspiring Lou to mention “Shooting from the lip”…which then degenerates into “Shooting ON the lip.”   And so, at least, we end the morning with some class…

VIDEO OF THE DAY

The Aforementioned Joan Crawford…having

A ‘Melissa Francis’ Mom Moment’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upc8wWI6F7Y