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-Wednesday, April 23-0 Comments
-Wednesday, April 23-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man happily reports that this past Monday’s ‘Might Be Elvis’ was the highest rated hour of THE ENTIRE BROADCAST DAY. Rob claims that he is responsibl ...
-Tuesday, April 22-0 Comments
-Tuesday, April 22-0 Comments
5:55:10 a.m. – My Pillow Michael Lindell is here, back in the Green Room with us, awaiting his appearance on the program this morning. He drove straight through from Philadelphia at 3 A.M. ...
-Monday, April 21-0 Comments
-Monday, April 21-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – In honor of Queen Elizabeth’s 88 TH Birthday, the I-Man has decided to wear his hair like her. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN 6:07:24 a.m. – Warner reports that Masai ...

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    Tuesday
    Apr302013

    The I-Man's Photo is Damaged

    6:05:00 a.m. –   Hallak Cleaners are now, officially, @$$**!es, as they have starched Imus’ shirts SO much that he can’t button the sleeves without a pair of pliers and a visegrip.   He can’t move his arms enough to blow his nose, wind his wristwatch or wipe his…face.  Stephen Hawking has more physical mobility.  In fact, if Deirdre were to sit the Boss out in the sun and leave him there, he’d be powerless to move into shade, leaving him to look like a Yam in a cowboy hat.

    PROVIDES MORE THAN YOUR AVERAGE DAILY REQUIREMENT OF VITAMIN B6

    6:06:17 a.m. –  Imus receives a list of the performers scheduled to appear at the George Jones Memorial service this Thursday, from Patrick Gottsch, of RFDTV fame.  However, Patrick says the list is ‘Confidential’…as not all the participants have been confirmed.  You know what that means…by the end of this blog, we will have printed EVERY single name.  Because the three most dependable methods of communication are ‘Telephone’… ‘Telegraph’…and “Tell A I-Man”.

    ALL WE KNOW IS THAT THE GUY IN THE PHOTO ON THE EASEL WON’T BE PERFORMING AT THE MEMORIAL

    6:23:42 a.m. –   Warner is incensed that people are comparing Jason Collins coming out as homosexual to Jackie Robinson being the first African American Baseball player in the Major Leagues.  Of course, Jackie being black was A somewhat more obvious character trait.  And…there was never anything called the ‘Homo League’ for Gay Players.

    “WATCH OUT BOYS, I’M SLIDING HOME!”

    6:38:18 a.m. –   Former C.I.A. Operative, Mike Baker, is on to talk about Syria.  Which, of course, inspires the I-Man to play Hayes Carll’s “She Left Me For Jesus”.  The connection is obvious.  A Muslim Civil War in the Middle East, and a Satiric Country Song.  Obviously, encoded in the lyrics are the co-ordinates to where Baker is to execute his next… ‘Sanction’.  We always knew the I-Man had connections to the ‘Intelligence’ Community… (Merely as a bystander, of course)

    SEAN CONNERY IS IMUS…DON IMUS, IN THE FILM ADAPTATION OF ONE OF IAN FLEMING’S LEAST KNOWN BOND NOVELS.   IT FEATURES A NEW SUPER VILLAIN, WHO IS A CROSS BETWEEN BLOFELD AND ODD JOB, NAMED…

    OH, YOU DO THE MATH

    7:05:21 a.m. –    In light of the Jason Collins story, Imus asks Dr. Bill if there are any gay weathermen.  Really, I-Man?  The question should be are there any STRAIGHT weathermen.  There is a long tradition of Homosexual Meteorologists:  Sam Champion, Al Roker, and, who could EVER forget Herbert Jon ‘Tex’ Antoine Jr. and his longtime companion ‘Mr. Weatherby’.

    ALTHOUGH WE WONDER WHY HE’S WEARING A PAINTER’S SMOCK TO DO THE WEATHER REPORT, IN THIS PHOTO, ‘TEX’ ANTOINE SHOWS OFF HIS IMPRESSIVELY SIZED ‘ISOBAR’

    7:08:44 a.m. –    “You know who has turned into the guy who screams ‘You kids get the hell off my lawn!’?  Tom Brokaw.”  Imus makes the observation based upon the legendary Newsman’s comments regarding how lame the White House Correspondent’s Dinner has become:  “It crossed the line when Lindsay Lohan was allowed in.”  We play the clip over and over in the Green Room, impressed with the fact that Mr. Brokaw was able to say the words ‘Line’, ‘Lindsay’, ‘Lohan’ and ‘Allowed’ in the same sentence without choking on his tongue.

    TOM BROKAW STARRING IN A NEW SHOWTIME SERIES

    7:11:54 a.m. –  Imus has been bitching all morning about how much his shoulders and neck hurt.  Here’s a guy battling cancer, who gets winded checking the email on his iPhone, and yet, he’s whining like a two year old whose mother won’t give him a lollIpop just because his widdle neckums has a crick in it?   Man up, Bitch.  

    “Wow, Tony.  Those are some strong words to use when talking about your boss.’”

    “Don’t even TRY to make it seem like I wrote that, Rob.”

     “I don’t know where all this anger and resentment comes from, Tony.  Imus is the best thing that’s ever happened to your career.  He certainly is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

    “You phony bastard.”

    7:22:21 a.m. –   A 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair poll has revealed that the celebrity most Americans would least like to sit next to on a plane…is Kim Kardashian.  We assume it’s because she would only have purchased one seat. We are also surprised that the I-Man didn’t make the list.  Not that he’d fly commercial anyway, but…we think we’d rather be stuck in the cargo hold of the Amistad than have to go cross country listening to Pops whine about how much his &^%$ing shoulder hurts.

    “JUST WAIT A MINUTE…WHO IS SITTING AT OUR TABLE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  WE HAVE A FIRST CLASS TICKET, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!  IF YOU NEED ME I’LL BE IN THE CROW’S NEST”

    7:38:17 a.m. – “Martha McCallum is REALLY smart.  I didn’t understand HALF of what she was talking about.”  Ohhhhkay.  And this situation is different than that which exists with EVERY other guest because…? 

    GENIUS IS 1% INSPIRATION AND 99% PERSPIRATION…WHICH MAKES SENSE, BECAUSE WHEN MARTHA’S ON THE SET WE SWEAT LIKE RACEHORSES

    8:15:23 a.m. – It appears that someone has broken a hole in the I-Man’s photo on the Imus in the Morning poster in the hallway to Studio G. We’re not naming names, (Neil Cavuto) but we can’t think of anybody, (Neil Cavuto) who would want to do something so hurtful, (Neil Cavuto) as to deface the portrait of The Number One Rated Program Host on the Fox Business Network.  (Not Neil Cavuto)

    ROB RECEIVES AN EMAIL FROM HIS FOX TV BOSS, KEVIN MAGEE

    FORTUNATELY, SOMEONE HAS ALREADY MADE A TEMPORARY REPAIR

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    In Memoriam: 

    George Glenn Jones

    September 12th, 1931 – April 26th 2013

    Here is a rare clip of a duet with ‘Ol’ Possum’  and ‘The Father of Soul’

    (We believe that Ray Charles won’t be performing at the Memorial Service Either)

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeKLwTIx3k0

    Monday
    Apr292013

    NetJets Problems

    6:05:00 a.m. –   “Did you ever notice how stupid you look riding a bicycle?” The I-Man makes an observation after seeing a couple of mouthbreathers in Texas, regaled in full Cycling Attire.  We agree.  The last thing you want to see coming out of El Chico is somebody in a Short Bus helmet and tight, shiny spandex shorts. 

    UNLIKE LANCE, THIS MAN HAS THREE

    6:06:17 a.m. –  Imus isn’t happy with Net Jets.  The electrical outlets and the media players don’t work.  Which, of course, means the landing gear and navigation systems are suspect as well.  We had a somewhat similar problem with our mode of transportation this past weekend. We couldn’t get the seat on the bus to recline.

    THE OTHER BAD THING ABOUT NET JETS…EACH FLIGHT COMES  WITH IT’S OWN PAIR OF FAT GUYS IN THE CABIN

    6:23:42 a.m. –   Warner says he saw “Motown” over the weekend.  “They were singing and dancing, there was a story…um…yes, Warner.  That’s what they call a Broadway Musical. 

    “MOTOWN” ON BROADWAY.  THE CASTING AGENT IS, OBVIOUSLY, NOT ALL THAT GREAT.  THIS IS CLEARLY NOT THE TEMPTATIONS, THE FOUR TOPS OR THE SUPREMES.

    6:38:18 a.m. –   Anthony Mason is on to discuss the late, great George Jones.  We lost ‘Possum’ over the weekend, a bittersweet turn of events, seeing as how the I-Man just received a letter from him inviting him to attend his ‘Last Concert’, which is coming up this fall.  Woops.  At least Imus didn’t have to come up with some lame excuse to weasel out of going.

    “I STOPPED LOVING IMUS…TODAY.”

    7:05:21 a.m. –     Dr. Bill Evans reveals that he is a HUGE George Jones fan…and starts singing ‘Hotter Than A Two Dollar Pistol’.  Dr. Bill says that George will be wearing his ‘Dead Gear’ today. 

    “LAST NIGHT I BROKE THE SEAL ON A JIM BEAM DECANTER THAT LOOKED LIKE A RIFLE”  IF GEORGE ASKS YOU IF YOU’D ‘LIKE A SHOT’…TELL HIM YOU’RE ON THE WAGON.

    7:18:44 a.m. – Tape of Ed Henry at the Correspondent’s Dinner shows him shoveling food into his mouth like he was some kind of Dickens’ character.

    “PLEASE, SIR…I WANT SOME MORE.”

    7:40:21 a.m. –   Our old friend, Fred Stoller is on, to promote his new book.  Maybe We’ll Have You Back: The Life of a Perennial TV Guest Star.   The I-Man laughs out loud at one of the jokes from Fred’s Act.  Now if we could just get him to laugh out loud at jokes from OUR acts.

    FRED STOLLER.  THIS MAN SLEPT WITH KATHY GRIFFIN.  (THAT’S NOT HER ON THE RIGHT)

    8:05:17 a.m. –  The I-Man thinks about Warner every night at 7PM.    This is the time when the Wolf Family tunes into the Jeopardy Program.  The I-Man can’t believe that Warner is so obsessed that he watches the show every night at 7 PM…which has led to the I-Man’s own obsession with Jeopardy, even though he isn’t actually watching it .

    “WHO IS…WARNER WOLF?”

    8:17:23 a.m. –  Imus finds out that last week, for Earth Day, Deirdre did NOT, in fact, plant a Dogwood at Hackensack.  She did, however, dig a hole and bring some lime…and kept asking everyone when her husband was going to show.

    DEIRDRE GETS A LITTLE HELP FROM LIS WIEHL, DIGGING A…HOLE FOR A DOGWOOD TREE, YEAH, THAT’S IT…A DOGWOOD TREE.  FOR ARBOR DAY.

    8:38:45 a.m. –  Ed Henry is on to defend his interesting ‘Eating Style’…He does into great depth to explain that he hadn’t eaten before the Correspondent’s Dinner, was afraid he was going to pass out, didn’t want to waste the food because of all the starving children in China…still, we don’t think it excuses the fact that there were literally sparks coming off of his fork.  He looked like a backhoe searching for the Ark of the Covenant.

     THE PRESIDENT EATS BEFORE  ED HENRY ARRIVES…OR ELSE HE WILL BE GOING HUNGRY.  ED WILL FINISH WHAT OBAMA HAS ON HIS PLATE TOO

     

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Some Of Fred Stoller’s Unusual Brand of Stand Up

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kg1FvSDL-W8

     

    Thursday
    Apr252013

    Cheech and Chong are Here!

    6:01:17a.m. –   We are very excited.  The Legendary Comedy Team, ‘Cheech and Chong’ will be in today.  The I-Man is a big fan, as most of their stuff was before the 80’s so he actually has some memory of their routines.  We’re fans too, but are even more excited they are going to be here because the Green Room is filled with Doritos, Pop Tarts and White Castle.

    “DAVE’S NOT HERE, MAN.”

    6:05:00 a.m. –  Imus promotes the ‘Mensa Meeting’, which, once again, will include Mike ‘Gunz’ Gunzelman, who, you might remember, looks like he got his hair cut during a power surge.  Dagen has brought in her hair straightener for him… “I think it’s small enough that it shouldn’t be intimidating to him.” Size obviously DOES matter.  Only her hairdresser knows for sure. 

    “LET ME KNOW IF I’M HURTING YOU.”

    6:06:17 a.m. –  Imus wonders of Warner’s obsession with ‘Jeopardy’:  “How can you watch the same show every night?”   To which Warner replies… “Well, they change the questions.”

    “WHO IS…BABABOOEY?”

    6:07:18 a.m. –  Imus asks Warner if he and Mrs. Wolf watch Jeopardy together.  “Yeah, I-Man, we’re a pretty good team.  We answer almost all the questions…except for those about ‘Greek Mythology’.”  Apparently, Warner isn’t all that up on it…which is surprising, especially when you consider her was around when most of that stuff was going down. 

    “IF YOU HAD ZEUS OVER POSEIDON IN THE 200 METER FREESTYLE…YOU LOST!”

    6:20:42 a.m. –  Warner mentions that Joe Madden, manager of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, has been doing little things to “Lighten Up” the Clubhouse.  He hired a D.J., put a Cockatoo in the locker room, even brought in a couple of penguins.    Yet another example of what a lousy manager he is.  If he REALLY wanted to improve morale he’d bring in a couple of hookers to sit in the dugout to ‘relieve stress’ between innings.  It would certainly bring new meaning to the ‘Seventh Inning Stretch’. 

    WHO NEEDS A COCKATOO, WHEN YOU GOT THESE TWO?

    6:38:18 a.m. –   Samuel Rascoff is on to discuss Security and Intelligence Gathering Techniques.  Apparently, telling two friends…who then tell two friends, who each tell two friends…and so on, isn’t all that speedy a way to disseminate information.

    IMUS’ FLY IS OPEN…PASS IT ON

    6:55:21 a.m. –   Imus is getting impatient with Carley.  “Where the hell is my fruit?”  She replies… “He’s in Connecticut making your jackets.”

    THE NEW, FALL COLLECTION FROM JOSEPH ABBOUD

    7:05:44 a.m. –    Warner says he ran into an incognito Liz Cho.  She had sunglasses and a raincoat on.  Um…how did you know it was her? 

    EVEN WITH SUNGLASSES…WE’D KNOW THIS WASN’T LIZ CHO

    7:40:21 a.m. –   The Mensa Meeting.  Which, considering Gunz is a participant…is clearly as misnamed as ‘Kosher Pork’. 


    THE IMUS IN THE MORNING MENSA QUALIFICATION TEST

    8:03:17 a.m. –  We almost lost Dr. Bill Evans.  He has a choking fit during the weather report, and an errant piece of Yogurt mix he was snacking on got stuck in his throat.  Thankfully, he’s okay.  But strangely enough, while he was choking, he could pronounce ‘Meterologist’ perfectly.

    BETTER WEAR YOUR LIFESAVING GEAR

    8:06:17 a.m. –  We discover during the break that, due to Sequestration, ‘Fleet Week’ will be cancelled in New York City this year.  We wonder what Dagen’s going to do to make up for the lost income.  We guess the Hunt’s Point Market.

     

    8:17:23 a.m. –  Connell reports on the opening of the George W Bush Presidential Library.  “Do you think he’s read any of the books in it?” the I-Man muses.  No.  But we think he may have colored in a few of them.

    “READING IS…HARD.”

    8:20:45 a.m. –  Imus announces that his picture is on the wall at El Chico, the Mexican Restaurant in Hunstville, Texas.  The Manager says they’ve had to bolt the photo to the wall to prevent people from stealing it.  That’s what he says, at least.  We know better.  You can’t pee on it while it’s up on a wall. 

    IF YOU CAN HIT IT FROM 10 FEET, YOU WIN A FREE BURRITO

    9:05:55 a.m. –  Dagen says that “It will be a cold day in hell before Gunz gets any of ‘this’.”    Gunz calls Dr. Bill Evans to see what the Seven Day Forecast in Hades is going to be.

    “SO…WHAT ARE YOU DOING NEXT WEEK, DAGEN?”

    9:15:55 a.m. –  Warner takes exception to the I-Man playing Gunz’s Five Favorite Songs, when he’s only been a vocal part of the program for just a year, when Warner has been a veteran for nearly 20.  Imus informs Warner that he lost the right to having the songs played because of his dismal Sports Prognostication Skills.   But he reveals them to us, and among them, is the Isley Brothers’ classic ‘Shout’.  Lou plays the song into the break, even though Imus is quick to note that “It’s NOT for you, Warner!”   A jubilant Wolf-Man then sings and dances in the WABC studio.  We watch him on the monitor.  It’s like watching a 97-year-old Ferris Bueller.

    WARNER WOLF:  LORD OF THE DANCE

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    CLASSIC CHEECH & CHONG

    FROM THEIR FIRST MOVIE

    “UP IN SMOKE”

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h79syNcZo6A 

     

    Wednesday
    Apr242013

    Will the Real Charles Rangel Please Stand Up?

    6:05:00 a.m. –   The I-Man has just become a fan of ESPN’s documentary series, ‘30 for 30’.  Last night’s edition was about the 1983 NFL Draft, titled “From Elway to Marino”.  He tries to convince Warner to watch, but, much like ‘Book of Mormon’, Warner is not interested in current popular culture.  Besides…he LIVED through it the first time.  Which, we suppose, means he won’t be watching the HISTORY channel’s ‘Bible’ series either.

    “HEY, JESUS!  COME AWN!  PASS THE MATZOH ALREADY!”

    6:06:17 a.m. – Mr. Wolf reveals that, he won’t watch ‘30 For 30’, as he is not available  between 7 PM and 730 every night, because, like clockwork, he and his lovely wife, Wendy Wolfe, (Not her real name) eat dinner while watching   ‘Jeopardy’.  WTF Warner?  Are you the ‘Rainman’?   It’s ten minutes to Trebeck.

    “I’LL TAKE MIDGET SPORTS FIGURES FOR 500, ALEX.”

    “THE ANSWER IS…”

    “UM…WHO IS WARNER WOLF?”

    (BTW, THE DOUBLE JEOPARDY QUESTION WAS ABOUT MIKE LUPICA)

    6:23:42 a.m. –  The I-Man promos Dr. Bill Evans’ Meteorology class at Bergen Community College.  You too, can create your own weather cast.  The Boss wonders why anybody would take the class when all you need is a weather app.  Aha!  Yes, but the Weather App won’t give you Weather Fashion Tips, or teach you how to pronounce ‘Meteorologist’. 

    WE ASSUME THE NUMBERS REFER TO TEMPERATURE…EXCEPT FLORIDA’S, WHICH, WE HOPE, REFERS TO THE LEVELS OF PRECIPITATION

    7:05:21 a.m. –    During the break, the I-Man asks Dr. Bill if Liz Cho is “Still in play.”  Gunz wants to know.  According to the Young Buck, he ‘Needs’ her.  Ms. Cho is, apparently, quite aware of this fact.  Hence the restraining order.

    EVIDENTLY, FOR GUNZ, MACE IS AN APHRODISIAC

    7:10:44 a.m. –    “The finest Doctor I have ever met is Dr. Ronald MacKenzie.”  According to the I-Man, The American College of Rheumatology Ethics and Conflicts of Interest Committee have named a chair after him.

    OSTENSIBLY, IT’S QUITE AN HONOR

    7:40:21 a.m. –   Blonde on Blonde.  Or, as we like to call it, ‘What the Hell Happened to My Erection’?  The girls discuss Weiner.  Not as sexy as it sounds.  It’s Anthony Weiner, and his political future.  Deirdre tells Lis to ‘Shut up.’  She doesn’t believe Lis has the right to ‘weigh in’ on the Former Congressman as a Mayoral Candidate.  She tells Lis she’s not a true New Yorker, like she is. Lis lives in Connecticut.  Deirdre lives in ‘The Hood’.  Upper West Side, yo!  Represent!

    “ICE-D and SMALLIE BIGGS” ROLLIN’ IN THEIR SIX FOUR

    “GOT THEY MIND ON THEY MONEY AND THEY MONEY ON THEY MIND”

    8:05:17 a.m. –  Warner reports on the new name for next year’s four team College Playoff.  It’s called…wait for it… “College Football Playoff”.   Wow.  Sure hope they copyright that one.  It’s catchy.  Like Gonorrhea.

    OUR SUGGESTION FOR WHAT TO CALL THE COLLEGE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

    AND, BY THE WAY, WHERE TO HOST IT

    8:16:23 a.m. – Connell reports that they’ve locked up the wrong guy in Mississippi.  Paul Kevin Curtis, the Elvis impersonator, was released.  When asked about the Ricin incident, he said.  “I don’t even like rice.”  What kind of impersonator are you?  One thing we know about Elvis: That dude LOVED rice.

    “UH UH UH…I’M ALL CARBED UP!”

    8:25:45 a.m. – I-Man has some unflattering things to say about ESPN’S stadium sized broadcaster Chris Berman.  “I’d hit Jabba the Hut before Chris Berman.” Dagen offers.  Which says a lot, coming from a woman who said that Steve Buschemi  “Made it move.”

    “HEY, DAGEN!  I GOT AN RC COLA, SOME SPRAY CHEESE AND A MOON PIE

    JEST WAITIN’ FOR YA!”

    8:25:45 a.m. –  Charles Rangel is on.  Not Tony PRETENDING to be Charles Rangel.  But the REAL Charles Rangel.  We realize that Imus always acts as if it IS the REAL Charles Rangel when Tony is Charles Rangel, but that’s only because…he’s confused.

    WILL THE REAL CHARLES RANGEL…PLEASE STAND UP? 

    UM…WILL THE REAL CHARLES RANGEL PLEASE WAKE UP?

    9:03:45 a.m. –  We get either encouraging, or, disappointing news, depending upon your position on Dr. Bill Evans Tweeting pictures of his Weiner.  Apparently, he has not.  We say, “Awww” and “Thank God”, respectively, to both groups.  We do wonder, however, that if Dr. Bill WERE to have Tweeted his Weiner…would it be wearing ‘Rain Gear’?

    FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE, CONDOLEEZA RICE,

    (THE ONLY RICE THAT ELVIS IMPERSONATOR PAUL KEVIN CURTIS LIKES)

    TESTIFIES TO SEEING THE ‘TWEET’ OF DR. BILL EVANS’ WEINER

    9:06:27 a.m. –  Yet another crushing disappointment, or relief, again, depending upon your position, Congressman Charles Rangel, (The REAL one) “Didn’t want to touch the Weiner” when asked by the I-Man if he thought the former Congressman would make for a good mayoral candidate.  We think that the final decision should be made by an “Open Erection”, as Imus would say. 

    HE’S A BAAAAAD MAN:  OSCAR MEYER WISHES HE WAS

    CHARLES RANGEL’S WEINER.  THAT IS WHAT HE’D TRULY LIKE TO BE.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A CLIP FROM ESPN’S RIVETING DOCUMENTARY SERIES

    “30 FOR 30”

    “FROM ELWAY TO MARINO”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11uUFTL-5zo

     

     

     

    Tuesday
    Apr232013

    Warner Wolf Returns from Vegas

    6:05:00 a.m. –  We begin the morning with the news that Warner’s absence yesterday was due to his being in Las Vegas to celebrate his wife’s birthday.  Somehow, the picture of the Wolf-Man, in his Polyester Shirt/Shorts set, White Socks and Sandals, rocking the nickel slots…is a happy image.  They went to see Elton John and Ventriloquist Terry Fator.  LOVED Terry, HATED Elton.  He was underwhelmed by the acoustics at the Elton concert, but most impressed that Fator’s ‘Lips don’t move’.  Um…that would be the point, Warner.  Warner says Fator’s funniest line…the puppet says:   “If it wasn’t for me…you’d be talking to your hand.”   Oh.  Our sides.

    “IS GOOD?”  “IS GOOD.”  “IS NICE?”  “IS NICE.” “S’ARIGHT?”  “S’ARIGHT.”

    6:41:18 a.m. –  K.T. McFarland is on, and finds a ‘Silver Lining’ in the wake of the Boston Marathon tragedy:  At least it’s kept Kim Jong Un off the Front Pages.  Apparently, the wacky little dictator’s looking for food anywhere he can get it.  Including Mongolia.  She doesn’t think he’s going to find much there.  Hasn’t she heard about “Mongolian Barbecues”?  The I-Man should take her to ‘Yummy Yummy’.

    UN?  PARTY OF 24 MILLION?  UN?  PARTY OF 24 MILLION?  IS EVERYBODY HERE?  WE CAN’T SEAT YOU UNTIL YOUR PARTY IS COMPLETE

    7:05:21 a.m. –  CNN SUCKS.  Imus responds to an online article by David Carr:  “We Want CNN To Be Good”.   Carr’s theory is, whenever there is a breaking news story, we immediately go to that Network to find out what’s going on?  REALLY?  When was the last time we did that?  During the Carter administration?  We don’t need CNN for ANYTHING.  Especially because their handle on the news is about as sharp as Warner’s is on Vegas.  “Did you know you can bet on ANY kind of sporting event out there?” an amazed Mr. Wolf asks the Boss.  “Um…yes, Warner.  And, apparently, you can get a really good deal on a shrimp cocktail at the buffet as well.”

    APPARENTLY, THEY HAVE THESE THINGS CALLED ‘SLOT MACHINES’

    7:18:44 a.m. –    Bigfoot runs a video of Reese Witherspoon being uncuffed at the Police Station following her arrest in the DWI of her husband.  The I-Man makes the observation that he has NEVER done the, ‘Do you know who I am?’ thing with a cop. Probably because, the ones he was drinking and doing drugs with…WERE cops.

    “FINISH THAT JOINT AND DRAIN THOSE BEERS…ROLL CALL’S IN 5 MINUTES”

    7:33:21 a.m. –  Lou plays the iTunes version of John Prine’s ‘Speed of the Sound of Loneliness’, not the version he has been playing up to this point, which, as the I-Man so eloquently puts it… “Sucks.”   This is the version the boss has on his iPod, and as it’s become one of his all time favorite songs, he noticed the subtle differences in instrumentation, recording EQ, sample rate, and mix.   But yet, he can’t hear somebody across the desk from him screaming “CARLEY IS ALREADY OUT GETTING YOU YOUR EFFING COFFEE!”

    “I’M JOHN PRINE”  “WHAT?”  “I’M JOHN PRINE!”  “YOU’RE DOIN’ FINE?”  “NO, I SAID I’M JOHN PRINE!”  “YOU’RE ON FIRE?”  “NO!”  “WHAT’S YOUR NAME?”  “DAVE EDMUNDS”  “YOU KNOW, YOUR SONGS SOUND A LITTLE LIKE…          JOHN PRINE’S”

    7:40:17 a.m. – Bill Hemmer is on.  It’s ‘Hemmer Time’.  We’re a little disappointed that he didn’t wear the parachute pants.

    “RING THE BELL…SCHOOL’S IN.”

    8:05:23 a.m. –  Imus calls Mike Sides, who is a ‘True Southern Gentleman’ and his new best friend at Wiesner GMC, in Huntsville, Texas.  He asks Mike to take care of the mysterious ‘black spots’ on his Platinum Escalade.  He wonders what Mike must think.  We can tell him.  “This Honky’s Nuts.”

    NEXT TIME YOU’RE IN HUNTSVILLE, AND YOU’RE LOOKING FOR THE I-MAN, YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK UNDER THE BACK WHEELS OF THIS CADILLAC

    8:17:51 a.m. –  Warner goes into detail about his disappointment with the Elton John concert in Vegas.  “The Acoustics were bad…you couldn’t understand the words…and the songs were TOO LONG!”  That’s kind of like, “I hate the food at that restaurant…but at least the portions are big.”  We’re still trying to process the information that Warner Wolf is actually…an Elton John fan.  He thought there was too much production value.  Too many band members.  We assume he was looking for an ‘Elton John Unplugged’ experience.   Even if he were alone with just an acoustic guitar…there WOULD have been plugs, Warner.    

    “NO REALLY, ELTON…IT LOOKS VERY NATURAL”

    8:19:08 a.m. –  Imus plays ‘Cherry Cherry’ and intros it by saying, “This is the only good song Neil Diamond every wrote.”  We are very surprised.  We were under the impression that Neil Diamond NEVER wrote a good song. 

    “NO, REALLY, NEIL…IT LOOKS VERY NATURAL.”

    8:38:45 a.m. –  Newsweek and National Journal Contributing Editor, Stuart Taylor Jr., is on to discuss the Boston Bombing Coverage.  Too bad we didn’t have the F.B.I. profiler from yesterday, Mary Ellen O’Toole, in to discuss Stuart Taylor.  This dude’s got some serious skeletons in his closet.  It must look like the dumpster in the back alley of a Barbecue Rib joint. 

    IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE SITTING NEXT TO STUART TAYLOR JR. AT A RESTAURANT…AND HE ORDERS SOME ‘FAVA BEANS & A NICE CHIANTI’…GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!

    9:03:23 a.m. – The I-Man shares a story about the Wy-Man, who, at 14, is, of course, VERY interested in girls.  He also has, clearly, been watching too much Dagen McDowell. He discusses one girl in particular with his parents…and when they pose the possibility that perhaps he might consider asking her out, he replies… “Are you kidding me?  I wouldn’t hit THAT with my CAR.”

    HANDSOME KID…RODEO PRODIGY…OLD MAN IS A GAZILLIONAIRE…

    C’MON GIRLS!  WHAT ARE YOU WAITIN’ FOR? 

    (HOWEVER…HOSE BEASTS NEED NOT APPLY.)

    9:18:42 a.m. –  The Boss reads, yet another, effing  ‘My Pillow’ spot.  And, to his credit, he’s found another creative, unique way of selling the popular items.  “I didn’t get to sleep at all last night…because I was sleeping on a pillow like Miranda Lambert’s butt!”  Which, we assume, means “Lumpy…mooshy…and smells like Blake Shelton.”   Imus suggests that you purchase a ‘My Pillow’, so you can “Sleep on something that’s like Deirdre Imus’ butt.”  Which, we assume, means “Tight… firm…and bat$#!& crazy.”

         

    THIS…              NOT               THIS

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Speaking of Ventriloquists who move their lips…

    AN ULTRA-RARE CLIP OF A ‘RELATIVELY CLEAN’ OTTO & GEORGE

      

    THE BEST PART IS…OTTO IS THE GUY’S NAME, GEORGE IS THE PUPPET

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FD2Vy8rFYAE