6:05:00 a.m. – “Hey Warner, what time is Game Seven?” The I-Man is being facetious. There will be NO Game Seven, as the Red Sox won the World Series at home last night. Warner’s record for prognostication is about as good as Baghdad Bob’s.
“IN MY OPINION, THE NEW YORK METS WILL GO ALL THE WAY THIS YEAR!”
6:07:56 a.m. – Incredibly, Imus is not feeling well this morning. He wants some tea. Some Bigelow Green Tea. Because the all the other Green Teas taste like somebody peed in it. Maybe it’s because it’s also made with the same water they use for the coffee. The water from Bernard’s ‘Special Tap’.
THIS IS WHAT THE NON-NATIVE AMERICANS REFER TO AS ‘TEA-PEE’
6:11:34 a.m. – Imus informs Bernie that he spoke with Kinky Friedman (The Future Commissioner of Agriculture for Texas) last night, and, the Kinkster, apparently, HATES Bernard. He tells the I-man that 58% of the citizens in Texas support Kinky’s proposed mandate to legalize marijuana. B was of the opinion that this was a misguided campaign platform, as Texas is a Red State, they should be vehemently opposed to such measures. We hate to see ugliness like this taking place. The I-Man, however, thrives on this type of friction. Obviously, the Boss needs to smoke a joint and just mellow out.
6:15:12 a.m. – Imus asks Carley if she knows anything about this Utah Murder Trial, where the Doctor is accused of killing his wife. Carley gives the I-Man an update, using CNN .com as source material. She also sees fit to call the “Alleged” Murderer a ‘Scumbag’. The Boss tells her to just give him the facts and not editorialize. And then wonders why she hasn’t gone to get his coffee yet. We think she probably will use that word a couple more times this morning.
CARLEY’S SECOND LEAST FAVORITE PERSON ON THE PLANET
6:25:34 a.m. – Lis Wiehl, the Harvard Educated, Brilliant Legal Mind, emails the I-Man, alleging that Carley doesn’t know what she’s talking about when it comes to the Utah Doctor murder case. Lis provides a deep, insightful analysis of the trial, clearly trying to insinuate herself into the program as she won’t be part of the ‘Mensa Meeting’ this morning. Imus has given Lis a Time Out, as her incessant yammering makes it difficult to hear Bernie’s brilliance. Which gives you an idea of what the criteria are to be part of the Mensa Meeting on the Imus in the Morning Program.
6:40:28 a.m. – Mike Emmanuel is on to discuss yesterday’s Obama Care hearing with Kathleen Sibelius. He does not, however, weigh in on the Utah Doctor Murder Case. Which, given the highly inflammatory situation, is probably not a bad idea.
THIS IS WHAT THE MIKE EMANUEL BLOW UP DOLL LOOKS LIKE
7:05:45 a.m. – Carley throws Lis under the bus. Then gets in the driver’s seat, starts the engine and backs over her. Five times. Ms. Wiehl has now replaced a certain Radio Show Host as the number one position on her $#!+ List. She advises the ‘Other Blonde’, to ‘Butt Out’. It’s a full on ‘Girl Fight’. All of a sudden, Imus is in a MUCH better mood. There’s chum in the water, and fresh meat ready for the slaughter.
CARLEY POSES WITH THE I-MAN ON SET
7:07:22 a.m. – Arthur Aidala, who, although is a Defense Attorney, is NO Joe Tacopina, phones in with his perspective on the Utah Doctor Murder Case. He reminds us that the Defendant is BOTH a Doctor AND a Lawyer, “What is he? A showoff?.” The dude is being tried for murder after finishing three years in prison for forging a marriage certificate for himself and his mistress…dated the day his wife was found dead in the tub. This guy isn’t going to be part of the Mensa Meeting either.
DOCTOR MACNEILL…HE’S GOING ‘ALL IN’
7:15:57 a.m. – Aidala hips us to the fact that Joe Tacopina has quoted the I-Man on his website. “When you hire Joe Tacopina, it’s over!” You can also get that phrase on a T-Shirt, Coffee Mug, Beer Koozie, Key Chain and Mouse Pad. Joe’s not exploiting the endorsement…he’s just making a fortune off it.
“YEAH, I’M SELLING T-SHIRTS. YOU DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, RIGHT?”
7:40:19 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting, all regaled in their Halloween Finery. Deirdre is sporting a plunging neckline, some cool shades and gold ‘bling’: a thick chain and one of those rings that stretches across all her knuckles. She is a ‘Suburban Hooker’. Gunz is wearing a cowboy hat, invoking the I-Man, if the I-Man was 11 years old and resembled Woody from Toy Story. Bernard, characteristically, has a full on multicolored clown wig and red nose. The only one NOT wearing a costume is Alan Colmes. Ironic, in that, the rest of the year, he resembles the spawn of Zacherle and the Lon Chaney Junior Phantom of the Opera.
COLMES WEARING HIS NEW CONTACTS
8:04:33 a.m. – Dr. Bill says he’s going to be dropping by the Imus office to get him some of that organic chocolate the D-Woman is going to be providing to all the little Trick or Treaters. He informs us that he will be going as ‘Al Roker’. We assume he’s already bought the turd costume.
GREAT COSTUME, DR. BILL! WE HATE YOU ALREADY.
8:06:12 a.m. – Bigfoot from Downtown! Bowman gets an assist from Connell’s Benghazi story. He’s surprisingly informative and up to speed on the news. Which gives credence to the theory that Donuts ARE brain food.
BIGFOOT’S VERSION OF A NUTRITIOUS BREAKFAST. EAT A DOZEN OF THESE BEFORE YOU TAKE THE S.A.T.
8:08:00 a.m. – Connell does a story about New York raising the legal smoking age, and increasing the price of a pack of cigarettes to 10 bucks. Imus: “They should ban smoking…period.” The Marlboro Man has spoken.
THE I-MAN, BACK IN THE 80’S, LIGHTING UP (ARTIST’S RENDERING)
8:27:37 a.m. - Imus is miffed that the Bigelow Tea people are paying Phil Simms a lot of money to endorse their product. “Do you think that it makes any difference to people that Phil Simms drinks Bigelow? The fact that I tell people it’s good makes a difference.” The I-Man sure is one marketing genius. Whose advice would YOU rather take about tea drinking? A hunky, athletic, strikingly handsome, two time Super Bowl winning Quarterback, or a man who gets winded just trying to get up on stepstool? We thought so. Advantage: I-Man.
NOT THE KIND OF ‘TEA’ BIGELOW SELLS. BUT THE KIND KINKY FRIEDMAN WANTS TO LEGALIZE
8:41:56 a.m. – Leif Babin is on. Imus makes the observation that Leif is always going to be the coolest man in the room. Unless, of course, Mike Baker is also in the room…not that this eventuality will ever happen, because that’s just too much AWESOME for one room to contain. We pause for a moment to reflect on our reactions to both Messrs. Baker and Babin…and begin to worry just a tad. The Man Crush may have gone to the next level. We’re actually ready to go to New Jersey and get married.
“THAT BABIN IS H.O.T. DREAMY….”
9:02:37 a.m. – The I-Man uses his iPhone ‘Speak It’ app during a horrible story during the local news. He’s making the various digital voices say HIDEOUS things to and about us. It’s like Stephen Hawking is drunk and trying to pick a fight. (Not to be overconfident, but we think we could take him.)
9:08:14 a.m. – Bigfoot rolls some Benghazi footage, and the I-Man says it reminds him of the ‘Yule Log’ they play on Christmas Eve here on Local TV Station Channel 11. We hate to admit he’s right, but we’re also a little bit concerned that he expects Santa to show up in a Libyan Army uniform and flak jacket.
ST. NICK WITH A YOUNG LIBYAN TERRORIST
VIDEO OF THE DAY
INSPIRED BY LEIF BABIN,
WE OFFER THIS HUMBLE TRIBUTE
TO THE ‘COOLEST GUY IN THE ROOM’