6:05: a.m. – Imus promotes Mike Huckabee’s upcoming appearance this morning to hump his book of letters to his grandchildren: Dear Chandler, Dear Scarlet. It’s a lovely idea, sweet and thoughtful, although, as the I-Man has so well captured the sentiment of all of us for whom, presumably, Gov. Huckabee wants to sell the book: “Leave us out.” We don’t want to hear your advice to your dopey grandkids about “When God closes a door, he opens a window’, that you should “Always buy the Large Popcorn and drink for a quarter more, because it truly is a better value”, and how they should “Live every day like it’s your last.” Because we wish it was yours.
“DEAR CHANDLER, DEAR SCARLET: POPPY WAS A GREAT BASS PLAYER. HE’S DEAD NOW, SO YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO DECIDE FOR YOURSELVES. DON’T LISTEN TO ANY OF THOSE RECORDINGS…THE DRUMMER SUCKED AND IT THREW ME OFF.”
6:15:39 a.m. – In light of the ‘Twinkies’ crisis, Imus suggests that they won’t be the same if another company makes them. Why? Because they will be made from substances actually found in nature? Since when did how Twinkies taste have anything to do with their popularity or consumption? People like them because, after the apocalypse, aside from Volkswagen Beetles, roaches and Mike Huckabee’s albums…the only thing that will be left are Twinkies. They are little sponges filled with fat. That is their innate charm.
A HOARDER SURVIVALIST STOCKS UP. THINK HE’S WORRIED ABOUT THEM ‘GOING BAD’?
6:35:12a.m. – Bing West, former Infantry Officer and Assistant Secretary of Defense for International Security Affairs during the Reagan Administration. He also served in the Combined Action Platoon that fought for 485 days in a remote village in Viet Nam, and a member of the Marine Force Reconnaissance team that initiated Combined Action Platoon that fought for 485 days in a remote village. He was also a member of the Marine Force Reconnaissance team that initiated “Operation Stingray”: Small unit attacks behind enemy lines. He is NOT a guy with whom you want to argue over a parking space. You don’t want to stand in front of him with 12 items to the “10 Items Or Less” express checkout at the A&P either. He looks like he could snap your spine with his eyebrows.
DON’T LET THE SMILE FOOL YOU. HE WILL DRINK YOUR BLOOD.
7:05:12 a.m. – Imus announces his ‘retirement’. We’re not sure from what. He’s obviously not going to stop talking on the radio. You all are the only ones who are still listening to him. Deirdre, Wyatt, and all of us on the staff stopped that years ago. We smile and nod our heads, like one of those Disney Audioanimatronic dummies, and, God bless him, he thinks we’re paying attention.
“IT’S TIME FOR THE MY PILLOW SPOT, GRAMPS” “WHAT?” “IT’S TIME FOR THE MY PILLOW SPOT, GRAMPS!” “WHAT?” “IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO TAKE YOUR MEDICINE.”
7:15:18 a.m. – We should be more sympathetic to the I-Man, as he is suffering this morning. Ma Hishtanah. That is Hebrew for ‘What has changed?’. We are not Jewish, but the I-Man is…by inspiration. Apparently, he has some loose bridgework that is a temporary fix for the implants he is in the midst of obtaining. We think there is the potential for a ‘Warner Wolf’ style denture slip.
IF THERE IS A GOD IN HEAVEN…
7:35:18 a.m. – Governor Huckabee is on promoting the aforementioned book. Which we think is a beautiful idea for a book…in fact, we liked it back when Charlton Heston did it in his book ‘To Be A Man: Letters to My Grandson.’ Gov. Huckabee makes sure that we know that Scarlett and Chandler aren’t brother and sister. They are cousins. Which, in the south, means that they one day could be married to each other
HEY. IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR JERRY LEE LEWIS
8:07:12 a.m. – The ‘Midget Wars’ continue. Warner and Lupica go at it again. Or, rather, Lupica beats up on the Sportscasting Legend, who, it should be said, has no Napoleonic Complex, as does, obviously, Lupy. Lupica has just won the prestigious ‘Damon Runyon’ award, given to the author whose work best exemplifies the vivid writing style of Damon Runyon. We said it was prestigious…and then we read where Bob Costas was also one of the recipients. If they’re going to give it to that pantload, they’ll give it to anybody. He could very easily take part in the aforementioned ‘Midget Wars’.
THE PHOTO ON THE DARTBOARD IN THE GREENROOM
8:10:06 a.m. – We anxiously await Jay Mohr’s appearance. We can hardly wait to see the Christopher Walken, Al Pacino, and Colin Quinn go to Oz bit again. Boy, that never gets old. Actually, we find it difficult to say something horrible about him because we A- Think he’s really funny and 2- Like him a lot. He’s one of the few comics who we genuinely respect.
JAY AND HIS WIFE, ACTRESS NIKKI COX…WE ARE NOT WORTHY
8:37:02 a.m. – Jay Mohr is on. We can’t fake hating him the way we do Ron White, and besides…Jay is much more worth sucking up to, as, at some point, this whole Imus thing is going to come to a screeching halt, and maybe we can open for him at ‘The Yuck Hole’ in Toledo, Ohio. He has a podcast called ‘Mohr Stories’ which is available on iTunes, and worth checking out. He’s a great interviewer. That said, we now anxiously await the invitation to be on the show.
MR. AND MRS. MOHR. JAY IS ON THE RIGHT. WE KNOW IT’S DIFFICULT TO SEE MORE THAN JUST THE ONE PERSON ON THE LEFT.
8:54:02 a.m. – Back in the Green Room, Jay whips through about fifty dead on impressions in a row, just in casual conversation. Everyone from Tracy Morgan to Eddie Vedder, lead singer of ‘Pearl Jam’. A little too arcane and eclectic for you? Trust us, it’s a DEAD ON impersonation. It was a wise choice for Jay to not display this chestnut on the air with the I-Man as A-Imus barely knows who Eddie Vedder is. And B- He doesn’t even know what Eddie MURPHY sounds like. He thinks Pearl Jam is a toothpaste.
YOU SHOULD HEAR HIS WALKEN
9:13: 09 a.m. – At the end of Dagen’s business report, she invokes the phrase ‘Ruh Roh’, which, as anybody born between 1955 and 2008 will tell you, is the classic Scooby Doo exclamation of ‘Uh Oh’ the ubiquitous expression of dismay. The I-Man is clueless as to what this is or what it means. We all chuckle knowingly, leaving him to think she’s brought in to play some Wiccan incantation. You never know with that girl.
OH SCOOBY, WHEREFORE ART THEE?
VIDEO OF THE DAY:
CLASSIC EDDIE MURPHY
BEVERLY HILLS COP