6:05:00 a.m. – The I-Man watched the Larry David movie, “Clear History”, on HBO last night, and, apparently, was not all that amused. “There’s an hour and forty five minutes I won’t ever get back.” He gave the movie the patented Imus “Two Thumbs Up” review. Yah. Straight up the nether regions of David’s alimentary canal.
HOPEFULLY, RIGHT AFTER THIS PHOTO WAS TAKEN, LARRY DROVE RIGHT INTO A BRIDGE ABUTMENT
6:11:56 a.m. – As part of a Lobster Newberg debt that Imus is being made to pay back with a gun to his head, author Peter Gethers is on to promote his new novel, Ask Bob. He gives it the “Dan Jenkins First Page Test”, and it passes with flying colors. The book opens with a scene in which a guy tries to pick up a woman…at the Anne Frank museum in Amsterdam. This is our kind of book…one in which taste is not an issue…as it is bereft of it. Warner is appalled. He does not find Holocaust humor funny. So he will not be reading Ask Bob, just as he won’t go to see ‘Book of Mormon’. So we assume that he would DEFINITELY not see a musical based on The Diary of Anne Frank. Not that anybody would actually think about producing one…if just for the fact that you can’t really choreograph a big tap dancing production number in an attic where people are attempting to hide from the Nazis.
“FIVE, SIX, SEVEN EIGHT…SHHHHHH!”
6:12:12 a.m. – People are writing Roxanne Roundtree emails, complaining that they have yet to receive their cookbooks. A word to the intolerant, self-absorbed, yuppie scum who are actually taking the time to harass the woman who is suffering from Lou Gehrig’s Disease: It took her TWO YEARS to ‘blink’ the book to someone to transcribe. You can wait an effing week for the spaghetti recipe. Jesus, get a perspective.
A MESSAGE FOR THE PANTLOADS WHO HAVE LESS PATIENCE THAN A WOMAN WITH LOU GEHRIG’S DISEASE
6:40:34 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on…and does not disappoint, with this week’s ‘Bo-ism’: “Hippopotomusizing.” As in Spitzer investigating hookers is ‘Hippoptomusizing.’ We think he means ‘Hypocritical’, we just got confused, as you could also use the word ‘Hippo’ when speaking about Weiner’s skank.
SYDNEY LEATHERS. TO PARAPHRASE BERNIE: “BRING PEANUTS”
7:13:45 a.m. – The I-Man promos Peter Gethers upcoming appearance and mentions that Ask Bob is about a veterinarian in the West Village…where the good doctor took care of cats…dogs…and, the I-Man surmises… ‘Gerbils’.
“OH, BUBBLES! THANK GOD THE DOCTOR BOB WAS ABLE TO RETRIEVE YOU!”
7:40:22 a.m. – The moment has finally arrived. Peter Gethers is on to discuss Ask Bob. This is one strange cat. And we mean Peter Gethers and not his pet pussy. We have a strong suspicion that that’s about as close to it as Peter Gethers…ever gets. Apparently, it’s pretty heavy. Norton, that is. Which would be the name of the cat.
PETER AND HIS BEARD. (NOT THE FACIAL HAIR)
8:05:37 a.m. – Joe Beaver is out at the Ranch. The I-Man says Joe has not risen as of yet, but he’s not about to wake him up. We get the feeling Mr. Beaver probably doesn’t ‘Do Morning’ all that well…and, we can’t blame the Boss for not wanting to irritate a man whose expertise involves roping and tying.
JOE BEAVER AND TRAVIS TRYAN. DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME, FOLKS.
8:22:40 a.m. – “Sara Palin has onions.” Bernie responds to the former Alaska Governor’s endorsement of Rand Paul. “So does that guy on the Learning Channel with the 132 pound scrotum”, comes Imus’ response. As of press time, it’s unclear on that gentleman’s position on Senator Paul.
8:40:33 a.m. – White House News Correspondent, Ed Henry is on. Ed says he did not go to Martha’s Vineyard with the vacationing president. Somehow, we find it a little difficult to accept that anybody who is not a Kennedy would vacation at Martha’s Vineyard. Not that we can’t see Obama playing touch football…but we also don’t see him driving around drunk late at night.
“WATCH THE WATER, DADDY!”
9:06:44 a.m. – “She plays a stripper well!” Warner enthusiastically reviews Jennifer Aniston’s performance in ‘We’re The Millers’, the number two box office champion this week. In the comedy, Jen plays an exotic dancer, and, according to Warner, she’s VERY believable. We’re not sure how Warner knows this…somehow, we can’t picture him Pole Side, fist full of ones in his hand. He maintains that he’s seen OTHER movies with strippers in them. Ok. We’ll go with that for now.
LET’S GO TO THE VIDEOTAPE!
9:08:27 a.m. – The Boss checks Amazon to see what Peter Gethers’ sales rank is. He is currently at 125,545. Oh boy. The I-Man’s got his work cut out for him. He hasn’t tried to hump a book that low on the list since Joseph Abboud’s autobiography, which, not even his EDITOR could bring himself to read. We decided we would wait for the movie version. Which is still on hold until Richard Gere can clear his schedule.
DON’T CLICK. THERE’S NOTHING MUCH INSIDE.
VIDEO OF THE DAY
LARRY DAVID. HE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO SUSTAIN FOR AN HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES…BUT FOR 60 SECONDS, THE MAN IS A GENIUS. ALTHOUGH, THIS CLIP MAY NOT BE YOUR PARTICULAR ‘CUP OF TEA’.