6:05:10 a.m. – The morning begins with an assessment of the Story of the Day: Jay-Z’s ‘Hard Knock Life’, namely, his Sister-In-Law kicking the S#!& out of him on a security camera in an elevator. First Paul Simon, now Jay-Z. It’s an epidemic. Good news is, at least Eminem is back together with his Moms.
“DOWN GOES CARTER!”
6:12:24 a.m – The Controversial ‘Michael Sam Kiss’ is viewed, and discussed. Former New York Giant Derek Ward tweeted his ‘disgust’ at Sam’s cake-filled kiss with his boyfriend that was broadcast right after Ward was drafted by the St. Louis Rams. We hope that his ‘disgust’ had to do with the waste of pastry, and not that he’s homophobic. Rob is empathetic. Not only with the homosexual community, but with the waste of quality baked goods.
WE WOULDN’T EVEN WANT TO SEE IMUS AND DEIRDRE KISS WITH THEIR FACES COVERED IN CAKE. NOT THAT THERE WOULD EVER BE CAKE, BUT WE GET QUEASY JUST WATCHING DEIRDRE AND THE I-MAN KISSING IN GENERAL
6:35:07 a.m. – Litigator, Arthur Aidala is on, and reveals that he was at the Brooklyn Nets’ game the other night with ‘I-Fave’ Joe Tacopina…and that Tacopina wears a Nets Jersey with his own name on it. He then informs us that this is not an unusual practice, as Tacopina does it with every team. As if that would make it better. We think Joe thinks that it’s like Miss Runner Up at the Miss America Pageant. In case the real player can’t fulfill his duties, Joe’s on deck, waiting to fill in.
IN CASE MASON PLUMLEE SPRAINS AN ANKLE…JOE IS READY…
7:08:28 a.m. – Investigative Reporter, ‘Snoop’ Imus, “Peels back the onion” on Lori Rothman’s contentious In-Law problem. It seems there’s a conflict of philosophies. The Grandparents believe in spoiling the children, plying them with candy and ice cream, and then sending them back to Lori all jacked up on sugar highs. That never happens in other families. For example, at Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown’s house, they’d send the kids to the grandparents already wired up. And not on Snickers Bars or Hagen Dazs.
“A CRAPPY LOLLIPOP? MOMMY ALWAYS GIVES ME CRACK!”
7:13:24 a.m – The I-Man wants an intern to get him coffee. Which, the way things work here, he will have the day after he leaves for the Ranch. The Coffee will probably be pretty cold by the time he gets back, but at least, Carley doesn’t need to go get it.
THIS WAS HOT WHEN THE INTERN GOT IT. BUT WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, YOU MAKE ICED COFFEE
7:35:34 a.m. – Hollywood and Vine. Or, as we like to call it, “Will You Shut the F%$K Up, Riedel So We Can Hear The Babes Talk?” The I-Man relates a story about Deirdre wearing ‘Pedal Pushers’. How that relates to Show Business Scum news, is anyone’s guess, but the story ended with Deirdre referring to the Boss as ‘A Raisin’. And based on the way we think she said it…it wasn’t organic.
HE SHOULD’VE TOLD HER THE PEDAL PUSHERS LOOKED ‘NICE’ ON HER
7:40:34 a.m. – A long discussion about the latest production of ‘Phantom of the Opera’ ensues, as Imogen shares that her father came in especially to see Norm Lewis, the first African American to play the Phantom on Broadway. The only way a discussion of ‘Phantom of the Opera’ would interest the I-Man would be if HE were in it. The fact that he is the only one in New York who HASN’T been in it by now is amazing in itself.
WE DON’T KNOW WHY IMUS HASN’T STARRED IN IT…HE’S ALREADY GOT THE HAT
8:05:32 a.m. – Connell reports that a School Principal in Long Island City was having sex in the school during class with another school official. The I-Man, of course, asks what she looks like. Connell returns with “What difference does it make?” The Boss says that if she’s Mary Kay LaTourneau hot, it’s one thing, if she’s some fat pig, it’s another.
IF WE’RE TALKING THE PICTURE ON THE LEFT, WE’RE INTERESTED. IF WE’RE TALKING THE PICTURE ON THE RIGHT, WE’LL TAKE A HALL PASS
8:16:14 a.m. – Clay Aiken’s Primary Opponent, Keith Crisco, mysteriously died during the recount of their runoff. Reports were that Crisco was planning to concede the race. “I guess he did, then.” The I-Man muses. No more Crisco for Clay. He’ll have to switch to Wesson Oil.
WESSON: DON’T GO TO A BETTE DAVIS LOOKALIKE PARTY WITHOUT IT
8:18:14 a.m. – The I-Man plays a video of Gunz in some kind of commercial trying to sell a Prius to two single ladies. He gets a piece of paper from one of them, ostensibly with her phone number on it, but later, upon opening the note, it reads: “Don’t you ever call me.” Gunz couldn’t get laid if he were sitting in a Porsche on a booster seat made of hundred dollar bills, going through the Drive Thru at the Bunny Ranch. Which prompts the I-Man to tell his famous ‘Porsche Joke’. “What’s the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine? With a Porcupine, the Pricks are on the outside.” Not always. Sometimes they stand next to it.
“NO, REALLY, IT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU, GUNZ! SERIOUSLY!”
8:38:14 a.m. – Colonel Tom Manion is on with his book, “Brothers Forever” the poignant story of his son Travis, and Brendan Looney, who met, became best friends, and died serving their country. This is what makes the Imus in the Morning show great. In the past 48 hours we’ve had Captain Wes Moore, Colonel Tom Manion, right along serious discussions as to whether the Principal who did the nasty in the school was hot enough to be interesting. This ain’t your mother’s Morning Zoo.
GO TO AMAZON.COM. NOW.
VIDEO OF THE DAY :
The Bout of the Century
SOLANGE AND JAY Z AT THE WEIGH IN