6:02 a.m. – After a somewhat tense, awkward moment at the elevator bank in the NewsCorp lobby this morning, we would like to begin today’s installment with a disclaimer/retraction: Last week, we suggested that Fox Business’ own Stuart Varney, star of one of the jewels in the Fox Business Programming Crown, ‘Varney & Company’, liked to ‘Tuck (himself) between (his) legs, look at (himself) in the mirror and pretend that (he’s) a woman.’ What we meant to say was that Stuart likes to ‘Tuck himself between his legs, look at himself in the mirror and pretend that he’s Dame Judi Dench.’
Stuart Varney. Waiting for his ‘Company’
6:15 a.m. – Imus begins the morning by reading the rundown of guests for the day’s program: Bo Dietl, Anthony Mason from CBS and Fox News contributor Sally Kohn, and says ‘If you can come in on Monday morning and like all three guests, you know it will be a good week.’ We are now officially ‘Waiting for the other shoe to drop ’. The over/under is set at 7:43 A.M. for the week to be ruined.
6:22:11 a.m. – The I-Man will be getting a number of tests this morning, Cat Scans and Pet Scans…although you would think a ‘Cat’ scan would technically count as a ‘Pet’ scan, but the point is moot, as Imus has not studied for any of these tests. All he knows is he is not allowed to eat past 7:30 a.m., although he maintains that, in the past, he has had coffee way beyond his ‘deadline’. Tony suggests that this fact may have altered the previous test results, and that, he might not really have Cancer after all, which means for the past three years, Imus has been eating like a Biafran P.O.W. for nothing.
6:36:57 a.m. – One of Imus’ Ear Monitors is not working. He suspects it’s “I-Ear Gunk”. We suspect the Ear Monitor has been in Imus’ head too long and has decided that, it too, ‘Doesn’t feel well this morning.’
6:39:14 a.m. – Bo Dietl calls T-Boone Pickens ‘T-Bone Pickens’. At least he didn’t call him ‘Slim Pickens.’ He then gets into a contentious exchange with Imus about style. Bo accuses the I-Man of looking like a Pall Bearer. Bo himself is wearing a striped green and white tie with matching pocket square which gives him the appearance of a stick of Wrigley’s Spearmint gum. Imus refrains from making a ‘Rodeo Clown’ reference. A sure sign that he is evolving.
6:43:02 a.m. – A text message from Joseph Abboud, ‘You should never wear a matching tie and pocket square. They sell those sets at Cheap Department Stores.” Bo suggests that Joseph Abboud likes to ‘Tuck himself between his legs, look at himself in the mirror and pretend he’s still Joseph Abboud.’
7:16 a.m. – Imus mentions that, while watching the Miami Heat/Indiana Pacer Playoff Game, to see “My man ‘Bron”, he stumbled across Diane Lane’s Star Turn in ‘Unfaithful’, which, he assessed, was ‘Pretty Good.’ He asks if any of us have seen the steamy, 2002 Potboiler, as he wanted to know ‘What was going on?’. Tony provides a quick synopsis, taking time to mention the number of hot sex scenes between Ms. Lane and heartthrob Oliver Martinez. Imus, apparently, missed all of them…which, basically, is the only reason to watch the film in the first place. After a few questions that clearly determine he had only viewed the last 20 minutes of the movie, he is asked “What exactly did you see?” He responds… “Diane Lane and Richard Gere were both crying.” “So how did you know it was any good?” “I figure if you got a couple actors crying on film…it had to have been a good movie.” He probably would have been disappointed in ‘The Crying Game’, as there really wasn’t a whole lot of ‘crying in the movie, although there certainly was quite a bit of it in the audience, especially during the scene where the camera pulled back to reveal that the leading lady had a penis.
7:22:11: a.m. – Connell reports a story about an outbreak of Food Poisoning at a Mother’s Day event at a Buddhist Monastery, where 150 people got ill after eating Rice Balls and Stir Fry. Dagen gets an uncontrollable case of ‘The Giggles’ at this news. We wait with bated breath for Connell to read the story about the 15 people dying in a plane crash in Nepal. She might wet her pants.
7:29:12 a.m. – Bernie Briefing: Seth Myers on the Controversial Time Magazine Cover. Newsweek, apparently, is attempting to be just as controversial with their cover: A child breastfeeding off his gay father. Talk about Sisyphean tasks. And by that, we mean Sisyphus of Greek Mythology, not ‘Sissyphus’, The Cartoon Homosexual Icon.
“Sissyphus” From ‘The All New, Gay Adventures of He-Man’
7:36 a.m. – Anthony Mason, Senior Correspondent for Business and Economics at CBS News, is the guest. He looks very different than he did back when he was playing Small Forward for the Knicks back in the Early 90’s.
Anthony Mason Then and Now: He Obviously Has That Skin Disease Michael Jackson Had
8:05:12 a.m. – Warner Wolf gets Dagen-Like giddy about Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton’s success against “Two Hundred Million Dollar Man” Albert Pujols’ California Angels. Hamilton is on a hot streak that might net him Baseball’s ‘Triple Crown’, its’ highest honor, while Pujols himself isn’t even hitting Imus’ weight. Imus calls Warner on the fact that Warner can’t stop giggling as he reports the story. Warner says it’s a ‘Feeling Bad For You’ laugh. Much like Deirdre on the Imus’ wedding night.
8:12: a.m. – Imus asks Tony about the box-office-record-breaking ‘Avengers’ movie. “Is it any good?” Tony responds “You wouldn’t like it. Nobody cries.”
8:24:13 a.m. – Geraldo Rivera wants to file ‘Rape’ charges against a TSA agent who felt him up during a security screening prior to a flight to Afghanistan. Imus: “Well, who wouldn’t want to feel up Geraldo? He’s cute.” Especially when he tucks himself between his legs, looks at himself in the mirror, and pretends he’s ‘Chita’ Rivera.
8:37 a.m. – Sally Kohn, newly crowned I-Fave and Power Rotation guest, is on. She brings a lot to the table, she’s fiercely bright, likable, and hysterically funny. Unlike…Ron White. You thought we forgot about him, didn’t you? Nuh uh.
9:09:12 a.m. – Imus gets an email from his doctor, telling him he can actually eat until 9:30 a.m. “I still got 20 minutes to get my ‘Food Freak’ on. “ He tries to calculate how long it would take Brant to drive Carley down to the ‘El Idolo’ Taco Truck on 14th Steet. Given Brant’s past driving performance and navigation skills, he figures about 3 days. Carley could walk it backwards in less time. I-Man considers having her go to Starbucks across the street, except they don’t offer cheese enchiladas there. If they did, they would have some alternate, snooty, Yuppie name for them, and would charge 350 bucks apiece.
9:11: a.m. – Dagen reports that Ina Drew, J.P. Morgan Chase’s Chief Investment Officer, one of the highest ranking women ON Wall Street, has resigned, in the wake of the two billion dollar investment trading scandal. Imus: “Well, that’s what happens when you put a woman in charge. Right Dagen?” Dagen responds in her usual, demure, low key fashion: “Bite me. Right here, right now.’ Well, that’s convenient…he still has another 19 minutes left to eat. Carley offers him some ‘Rice Balls’ and Stir Fry she got over the weekend at a Buddhist Monastery. Dagen gets the giggles.