6:05:00 a.m. – “It’s a sad day in the Imus Family today. The gerbil died…so Bismarck isn’t here. “ Bismarck and his husband, Wilbert, will be holding a wake at the “Rainbow Bridge Funeral Home”…viewings from 2-4 and 7-9 with funeral and internment at the ‘Special Friends’ Pet Cemetery.
MAY 15, 2011 – SEPTEMBER 25, 2013
6:07:56 a.m. – Apparently, Father Jonathan Morris is stealing from the I-Man. Imus had a phone conversation with the Good Father about the Gospels, and he noticed that he made the same points the I-Man did, when Morris appeared with Bill O’Reilly. A Priest, stealing from the Devil. It’s one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse.
IT’S LIKE ARM WRESTLING FOR SOULS
6:18:12 a.m. – Warner plays a radio call from the Brewers/Braves game last night, where the announcer coins a new phrase, that is, actually, ‘Warner Worthy’: “Proctometrist”. Which, we believe, is an eye doctor who looks up into the nether regions of his patients.
“OKAY, NOW, READ THE CHART”
6:40:28 a.m. – Stuart Varney defends his bringing his lunch from home, by saying that he’s merely being ‘thrifty’. It then degenerates into who had it worse coming up, himself, or the I-Man. The I-Man was homeless, and stood in the rain for 14 hours with zero money trying to get to L.A. from Arizona. Stuart once was so hungry he almost killed a seagull over a half eaten sandwich. Now, look at them. Imus has more money than God and still looks like he’s standing out in the rain, and Stuart is still crazy enough to kill a seagull. And then eat it.
“HEY CHARLIE! WATCH OUT! THAT WEIRD, LIMEY DUDE IS LOOKIN’ AT YOU!”
7:03:22 a.m. – Dr. Bill uses his Porno Weatherman voice during his forecast. It’s strangely unsettling. We can almost hear him saying… “Hey baby…my barometer is rising…there’s a high pressure system coming your way.”
THIS IS THE KIND OF ‘WEATHER PORN’ WE’RE TALKIN’ ABOUT
7:15:57 a.m. – Tony’s ‘Powell to the People’ segment airs, where 6 out of 10 people picked Gunz as a likely killer from a board that also had pictures of Ted Bundy, Scott Petersen and Aaron Hernandez. He reveals that Carley was with him to produce the shoot, and for some reason, when she asks men if they are willing to stop and answer a question for her…she has NO problem. They will answer anything she asks. Unfortunately, it’s Tony who is doing the asking, BUT, they stare at her while they answer anyway. Carley is kind of the TV Carrot being dangled in front of the donkeys on the street.
AN ASSET TO ANY ‘MAN ON THE STREET’ INTERVIEW
7:40:19 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting. While excoriating Miley Cyrus for ‘Twerking’ at the VMAs Gunz asserts that Madonna and Kate Upton could have done it and no one would have taken issue with either of them. So, in his opinion, “They EARNED the RIGHT to Twerk.” We assume they obtain license by taking some kind of test.
MILEY TWERKING ‘BEETLEJUICE’ AT THE VMAS
7:48:19 a.m. – Gunz is sporting a haircut that…well, let’s just say you’ve seen better ‘dos on a Chia Pet than the “Heat Miser” look he’s going for. Or ‘Beaker’ from the Muppets.
GUNZ…SPORTING HIS NEW HAIRCUT
7:55:29 a.m. – “Hey Carley, I’m still hungry. What do they have to eat over there?” Imus asks, referring to Starbucks. Carley lists the options; they include another yogurt, a bagel, or a banana. NOBODY. NO BOD DEE wants to see Imus eat a Banana. It’s like watching Geriatric Porn. Frustrated, Carley offers: “Why don’t you have a Bacon, Egg and Cheese Sandwich?” Yet ANOTHER reason why we love this woman.
PARAPHRASING ‘BLURRED LINES’: C’MON, I-MAN. YOU KNOW YOU WANT ONE
8:01:33 a.m. – Dr. Bill is under the misguided notion that it was the I-Man’s Gerbil that passed away, not Bismarck’s. Imus VIGOROUSLY denies that it’s his. We think he doth protesteth too much. NOBODY ever admits that the gerbil belongs to them. It certainly would explain those sudden jumps and squeals of pain during the program that he claims are ‘leg cramps’
FYI: DON’T PUT THE WHEEL UP THERE AS WELL
8:15:12 a.m. – Warner shares a story about Alden Smith, the 49er Defensive End, who has checked himself into rehab for Alcohol Abuse. A recent party he threw ended with him firing a gun into the air to signify that the event was over. We guess nobody got the hint by his just turning on the lights.
“LOOK AT THE RINGS ON THAT COFFEE TABLE! AIN’T NONE OF YOU PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF COASTERS?”
8:21:56 a.m. – Bismarck’s cover for his absence, the Lovely Dawn, comes out on set to ‘powder off’ the I-Man…which is like putting touch up paint on the Hindenburg. When Imus asks why Bismarck never does touch ups…we inform him that Dawn just hasn’t figured out what Bismarck did year ago…it’s pretty much a Sisyphean effort. (ARCANE, CONDESCENDING LITERARY REFERENCE ALERT!)
SISYPHUS. DUDE. IT’S JUST GONNA ROLL RIGHT BACK DOWN.
8:40:37 a.m. – Juan Williams is on, talking Ted Cruz, the Redskins and the Washington Nationals. What do these topics have in common? None of them are going to go anywhere any time soon.
A VALID POINT…MADE BY THE I-MAN MANY TIMES BEFORE
VIDEO OF THE DAY
INSPIRED BY STUART VARNEY AND THE I-MAN’S SPIRITED DISCUSSION ON BEING HUNGRY, A CLASSIC SCENE FROM CHARLIE CHAPLIN