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    Monday
    Jan062014

    Happy New Year!

    6:05:10 a.m. –   HAPPY NEW YEAR!   We are back for the first show of 2014, and the I-Man proclaims that “New York is the Best City in the World.”  This is based on his experience at his new ranch in Brenham, Texas, where it’s a 15 minute drive to the nearest Starbucks.  Which, in his souped up Escalade, will probably burn 12 gallons, round trip, just to cash in on his free coffee reward.   Say what you want about Imus, but he is NOTHING if not parsimonious.

    “CHAPTER TWO: HOW TO GET A FREE 2 DOLLAR CUP OF COFFEE FOR ONLY 49 DOLLARS”

    6:06:12 a.m. – Warner reveals that Bo Dietl only has TWO scenes in ‘Wolf of Wall Street’, after he led us to believe that he was co-starring in it.  However, they are HUGE scenes, and both involve Leonardo DiCaprio.  And it’s more scenes than Rob has in it.  Which would be…none. 

    6:17:34 a.m. – Warner has seen ‘Wolf of Wall Street’, which he likens to watching a porno movie in a public theater.  To which Dagen replies  ‘What’s the point in watching a porno movie in a public theater?’  Dagen, always with her finger on the…er…pulse.

    “TAKE IT FROM ME…YOU DON’T WANT TO WATCH PORN IN A PUBLIC THEATER!”

    6:40:46 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on, with tales of his experience shooting the Scorcese movie.  Dropping more names than Dick Cavett at a Mort Sahl cocktail party.

    “BO…THIS TAKE I WANT YOU TO SAY THE ‘F’ WORD 37 TIMES.  CAN YOU DO THAT?”

    6:55:11 a.m. – The I-Man on the intercom to our Fox TV Producer Tom Bowman?  “Hey Bigfoot.  Load up Two Penises.”   It sounds like something the DJ at the Ramrod would hear when the owner wants people back up on the dance floor.  But actually, it means he wants Tom to put the ‘Dice’ bit in the prompter.  Exclusive Backstage Access, that’s what we’re all about here on the Behind the Scenes Blog.

    OF COURSE, IT WILL TAKE LONGER TO LICK IT

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Connell reports on the Polar Vortex on the way that is bringing us dangerous sub zero temperatures, and plays a clip where one guy describes frostbite as ‘Feeling like small parts of your face are freezing.”  Which Imus says is “Just like Lis Wiehl”.  Oh, snap.  That’s cold.  Get it?  Cold?    Damn, we’re good.

    LIS WIEHL.  SHE MUST BE VERY COLD

    7:08:16 a.m. –  Imus relays the sad news that Phil Everly, of the Everly Brothers has died.    Tony tells us he never knew that the Everly Brothers weren’t related.  We are somewhat bemused by his assertion, as  A-They were both named Everly, and B- They LOOKED alike.  Although, to be fair, to Tony, ALL white people look alike.   Apparently, he’s mistaken the Everlys for The Righteous Brothers, who, in fact, where NOT Brothers.  African American or otherwise.

    THE EVERLYS AND THE RIGHTEOUS BOYS.  WE THINK BILL MEDLEY ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE ADAM LEVINE

    7:38:16 a.m. – K.T. McFarland is on, and, turns out, she’s Miss December in the ‘Great American Conservative Women’ calendar, which, thankfully, is not a swimsuit calendar.

    ANN COULTER FROM LAST YEAR’S CALENDAR

    KT FROM THIS YEAR’S CALENDAR

    8:05:10 a.m. –   “Why do we fear the blind?”   The I-Man read an article in the Times the other day asking that very question.  We maintain that it’s because they don’t stop at red lights.  And the dogs never run fast enough in front of the car.

    NOT ONLY AM I BLIND…BUT I CAN DRIVE WITH NO HANDS!

    8:17:12 a.m.  –  Dwight Yoakam has texted the I-Man, and wants to know, in honor of the death of Phil Everly, if Imus would play the YouTube Video of the Everly Brothers’ ‘When Will I Be Loved’.  Hey Dwight.  We don’t tell you where to get your hat blocked, or how tight to wear your jeans, or what songs to play…and besides.  It’s 5:17 A.M. in Hollywood.  Shouldn’t you be…sleeping now?  We discuss how much we like Dwight, and how great an actor we truly think he is.

    DWIGHT IN HIS NEW ONE MAN SHOW:  “BEN FRANKLIN: THE HUNGRY YEARS”

    8:22:44 a.m. – The I-Man has been exceptionally complimentary to Eric Bolling, praising his job hosting the ‘Hannity Show’ in Sean’s absence.  This is quite a change of heart for the Boss, considering he once considered Bolling a ‘Humorless Nerd’ who should commute to work in a short bus wearing a hockey helmet.  Even though Eric doesn’t play hockey.

    ERIC ON THE SET OF ‘HANNITY’   HE WAS VERY GOOD.  READ ALL THE WORDS AND EVERYTHING, AND DIDN’T HIT HIMSELF IN THE FOREHEAD WITH THE MICROPHONE

    8:38:37 a.m. – New York Post Columnist,  Fredric U. Dicker, the State Editor for New York since 1982, is on to talk about Police Commissioner Bratton’s return, and new Mayor DeBlasio.  We love Fred.  Basically because we love being able to say ‘Dicker’. ‘ Fred Dicker’.   So much funnier than ‘Richard Johnson’.   Or for that matter, ‘Joe Cocker’.  

    CONSPICUOUSLY ABSENT, ‘DICK SMOTHERS’ AND ‘REGINALD PENIS’

    9:03:06 a.m. –  Dr. Bill Evans says that Mother Nature is about to get ‘Medieval’ on us…using Tarantino parlance to scare us with news that today’s 53 degree temperature is going to drop to 8 degrees by tonight, with a ‘Real Feel’ of 20 Below.  We don’t know why everyone is freaking out at the cold weather.  There’s a very scientific reason for the temperature.  It’s F@&%ing Winter!

    IS IT COLD ENOUGH FOR YA?  JESUS, YOU HUMANS ARE  A BUNCH OF PUSSIES.

    9:15:30 a.m. –  Tomorrow will debut a new branded segment on the Imus in the Morning Program:  “Hollywood and Vine”, a Show Business version of ‘Blonde on Blonde’, ‘The Mensa Meeting’, and ‘Vinnie From Queens’.  Panelists will include Theater Columnist Michael Riedel, British Theater Enthusiast Imogen Lloyd Weber, and Rob Bartlett, who, by the way, has not  been in a Major Motion Picture.  Unlike Bo Dietl and Warner Wolf, who, have been in more than one.

    ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    AS A TRIBUTE TO PHIL EVERLY, AND AS A FAVOR TO OUR FRIEND DWIGHT YOAKUM, HERE IS COLLECTION OF  YOU TUBE VIDEOS OF

    THE EVERLY BROTHERS

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3-E9JebDtU 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rI0ll5SexV0 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80l8HEZ5zFw

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gj2GrExkfjo

    Friday
    Dec202013

    Merry Christmas Edition!

    6:05:10 a.m. –   Bo Dietl is in today to discuss the Wolf of Wall Street.  A HUGE Hollywood release, in which, he has a rather significant part.  Bo, who is not a professional actor, already has more legitimate film and TV credits…than Rob.  He is so green with envy, he can’t even bring himself to muster his phony, showbiz, ‘Hey man…you killed.’  Tony spends the rest of the morning keeping NYPD Emergency Services on Speed Dial.

    BO, ON THE RED CARPET, AT THE WOLF OF WALL STREET PREMIERE. 

    ROB HAS NEVER BEEN TO A FILM PREMIERE

    6:06:12 a.m. – Mike Breen is going to be appearing on the program today, and we are all eagerly looking forward to seeing our old friend.  Apparently, Dagen and Carley, even more so, as the I-Man overheard them ‘Perving’ on Breen down in makeup earlier this morning.  To quote Carley, “That Salt n’ Pepper gets to me.”  Rob, who also has salt and pepper hair, and is here EVERY day, hasn’t ‘gotten’ to her once.  Tony walks around the Green Room locking the windows.

    ACTUALLY, WHEN WE GET TO THINKIN’ ABOUT IT, WE’D DO HIM TOO. 

    YA KNOW.  FOR LAUGHS.

    6:07:14 – Imus says there will be no Sal Monella this year.  Tony makes Rob give him his belt and shoelaces.

    NO, VIRGINIA.  THERE IS NO SAL MONELLA.  HE SUCKS.  AND, BY THE WAY, SO DO YOU.

    6:08:16 – I-Man says that he watched Hannity and actually heard him say the words ‘Vagina’ and ‘Anus’.   Which means Sean is looking to beef up both his straight AND homosexual numbers.

    THIS NEW LOOK HANNITY’S SPORTING WILL IMPROVE HIS APPROVAL RATING IN THE LGBT COMMUNITY

    6:09:18 – Radio Legend Larry Lujack is dead.  To paraphrase Dick Cavett… ‘Why is it never Imus?’

    WE GOT EXCITED WHEN WE SAW THIS PHOTO IN THE OBITS…THEN WE  REALIZED IT WAS LARRY LUJACK

    6:14:28 – Controversial Pornographer, First Amendment Advocate, and walking STD, Al Goldstein has died.  The I-Man laments his passing.  We all pull our zippers to half-mast in tribute.  Imus says “He was a really revolting person…why did I like him?”  We ask ourselves the same question every day.  In a different way.

    YOU MIGHT WANT TO GO PURELL YOUR HANDS RIGHT NOW.

    6:40:46 a.m. – Carl Jeffers is on to discuss Christmas, Black Santa and Duck Dynasty, and at least one of these topics you won’t hear any other African American talking about anywhere today. Carl is filled with the Spirit of Christmas.  Which means we think he’s drunk.  He went all Dickens on us and came at us with the ghost of THREE questions.  It really IS Christmas.  We got three questions out of Carl.

    YOU SHOULD NEVER DRINK AND DRIVE…A SLEIGH

    6:55:11 a.m. – The I-Man discovers Starbucks’ Bistro Boxes.  The one with the apples, crackers and peanut butter.  At 380 calories, and totally vegan, it’s the perfect breakfast for him.  The fact that it’s in a box makes it even more special.  He’s going to need to get used to things in a box.  Like him.

    ‘BOSS IN A BOX’

    7:12:15 a.m. –  Bo Dietl has many interesting anecdotes about the REAL Wolf of Wall Street, Jordan Belfort, for whom Bo provided Security-a-Tation.  Which is why he is in the movie.  He is actually playing himself…not playing WITH himself, because that would’ve given Scorcese an NC17 rating.  And ruin his chances at an Oscar.  Because then, technically, it wouldn’t be a ‘Feature’ film…as it would be considered a ‘Short’.

    WE GUESS WHAT THEY SAY IS TRUE:

    “THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE NICER THEY ARE.”

    7:38:16 a.m. –  “Vinnie From Queens” is particularly ugly this morning, which means one thing:  Christmas has come early for the I-Man.  Tony takes a shot at Warner doing sports when Lincoln was president, and Warner actually throws it back at him, saying Mr. Powell’s Mob name would be ‘Tony Excuses’.  Tony counters with a short joke.  Advantage, T.P.  Warner ends the segment with “Tell Tony it’s nothing personal.”  It’s just business.  Which is what Tessio says to Tom Hagen in the Godfather.  And you know what happens to Tessio in The Godfather.

    “CAN YOU PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR ME, TONY?  FOR OLD TIME’S SAKE?” 

    “CAN’T DO IT, WARNER.”

    8:01:02 a.m. –  The I-Man has an epiphany:  “It isn’t necessary to always be brutally honest…because then you wind up sounding like an ungrateful a-hole.”   Oh, so that’s the reason…brutal honesty.  Well, while we’re being brutally honest… THE RODEO SUCKS, VAN MORRISON SUCKS, YOUR MOTHER TERESA STORY SUCKS…AND YOU SUCK!  Just kidding!  (Hey, Megyn Kelly tried to get away with it…you can’t blame us for making the attempt…)

    AN INTROSPECTIVE I-MAN RELECTS ON HIS LIFE…BEFORE THE GHOSTS SHOW UP

    8:05:12 a.m. –  The Christmas Spirit has touched the I-Man, he looks upon young Carley and Nat, tells them how much he appreciates them, and wishes them a hearty merry Christmas.  Nat, sentimental sweetheart that he is, asks if he can “Give the I-Man a hug.”  “You keep your f&^%ing hands off me!”  comes the reply.  We know.  It brought a tear to our eyes too.  Is that not the true meaning of Christmas?  God Bless Us…Everyone!

    NO HUG FOR POOR LITTLE ‘TINY NAT’

    8:07:12 a.m.  –  The I-Man, being brutally honest again, has given Leslie Slender a hard time about a ‘Big Game’ party that WABC will be throwing in January, to watch the Playoff Games, and enjoy live music by ‘Daughtry’.  “Ruben Studdard wasn’t available?” he asks, “What happened?  Fantasia had a gig?”  Leslie has to show the I-Man that Daughtry, in fact is one of the more successful of the American Idol Finalists.  Oh.  Never Mind.  We think he just misses the Taylor Hicks “Soul Patrol”. 

    NOWADAYS, HIS CAREER IS THE DOG

    8:07:14 a.m. – Rob gives the I-Man a heater for Christmas…because old people get cold.  The I-Man, in response to this thoughtful gift, and before he even unwraps the package, says something which pretty much sums up his very essential essence:  “Is this something I’m going to have to deal with?”  Yes.  Hopefully next time you take a bath.

    SHOCKING.  POSITIVELY SHOCKING.

    8:20:40 a.m. –  I-Man has Rob do Sal Monella.  Yes, Virginia.  There IS a Santa Claus.

    “JESUS CHRIST…I KNOW IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY, BUT…IF I HEAR THAT ‘EXCEPT FOR THE JEWS’ $#!+ ONE MORE TIME, I’M GOING TO HAVE THE REINDEER TAKE A DUMP ON HIS HEAD.  THAT FAT BASTARD’S GOING ON THE NAUGHTY LIST”

    8:40:18 a.m. –  Ladies and Gentlemen…Mr. Mike Breen.  Our old friend is back, and hilarious as ever.  Line of the day:  “The Last Professional Sports Figure Warner talked to was George Mikan.”  Now WE want to have sex with him.  

    HERE’S HOW LONG IT’S BEEN SINCE WARNER’S INTERVIEWED A SPORTS FIGURE:

    ALL THE PLAYERS ON THE LAKERS…WERE WHITE

    9:05:30 a.m. –  Dennis Rodman is over in North Korea, holding tryouts for the North Korean Basketball team, although the fact that they haven’t eaten in weeks makes it really hard for them to run laps.  The hardier ones that try out find the use of a stepstool very helpful when attempting layups.

    THOSE PETITE, ELITE FEET ARE SWEET… TO THE HOOP!

     

    We would now like to offer you all, our own, heartfelt, special holiday wishes to all of you loyal Behind the Scenes Blog Readers:  Thanks for all the cards letters and gifts…oh, that’s right, you didn’t send us any.  But we won’t hold it against you.  There’s always next year.  And by next year, we mean January 2nd, because we know the 1st is a holiday. 

    Tony:  “As ‘Black Santa’ would say: ‘Merry Christmas bitches!  And what not’…”

    Rob:  “Merry Christmas…and I mean that sincerely, but if you need that last minute Christmas Gift, I’ll be appearing at Uncle Vinnie’s in Point Pleasant, New Jersey on New Years’ Eve.  Dinner, Show and a chance to win a cruise! “

    518 Arnold Ave
    Pt Pleasant Bch, NJ
    (732) 899-3900

    http://www.unclevinniescomedyclub.com/ 

    FROM ALL OF US HERE AT THE BEHIND THE SCENES BLOG, MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAVE A SAFE, HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR. 

    NOW…GET OUT.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    God Bless Us, Everyone

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3fgRV5N_qQ 

    “See you next year, bitches.”

    “Thanks a lot, shut up.”

    Thursday
    Dec192013

    What to Give the Man Who Has Everything and Appreciates Nothing

    6:07:10 a.m. –    The Duck Dynasty Controversy is the first topic of discussion this morning.  In light of Phil Robertson, the Patriarch of the bearded, backwoods family that has taken America by storm, apparently made some homophobic remarks in an interview for GQ.  Apparently, Mr. Robertson doesn’t know that most animals are bi-sexual.  Some are even gay.  You ever seen an ostrich?  Any animal that lives in a feather boa is DEFINITELY working the other side of the feed trough.

    “THERE’S A…PLACE FOR US…SOMEWHERE A PLACE FOR US…”

    6:06:12 a.m. – Warner gives his highly anticipated review of Anchorman 2.  After he is done, we still don’t know if we want to see it.  According to Warner, there were ‘Some funny parts’ as it ‘Wasn’t really serious.’   Which is comforting, considering it has been marketed since LABOR DAY as a comedy.  He does, however, suggest that there ‘Won’t be an Anchorman 3’  Yeah.  That’s what they said about The Godfather, too.

    “LOOK WHAT THEY DID…THEY MASSACRED WILL FERRELL…”

    6:25:50 a.m. – Imus says he’s shocked when Deirdre runs into people out in the real world who hate him.  He also  doesn’t like the fact that they take it out on her.  Apparently, a certain Fox Business personality was a snippy to the I-Woman at a luncheon yesterday…and Deirdre as already fired up from the particularly spirited edition of ‘Blonde on Blonde’.  Unfortunately, what clearly could’ve turned into an all-out, knock-down, drag-out, brawl between two attractive, psychopathic ladies…went by without incident.  But we maintain that both of them have someone else start their cars for them for the next few months.

    WE ARE SO DISAPPOINTED IT DIDN’T RESORT TO THIS…A CHOCOLATE PUDDING WRESTLING MATCH

    6:40:46 a.m. –  Stuart Varney is on, and tells us his Christmas tree fell down after he put it up.  The I-Man relates.  There was many a Christmas when everyone had to put up with Imus when HE fell down.  Back in the 70’s and Early 80’s he could’ve greatly benefitted from the use of a tree stand…to help keep him upright.

    “DON’T LEAN TOO FAR…YOU’LL FALL DOWN AGAIN”

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Robert and Vinnie Andrews have been managing Imus’ finances for the past 40 years.  He has, as you well know, earned a rather substantial fortune.  He has received one of those internet Meme deals in an email from them.  A little ‘funny’ graphic thing that’s a swipe at Obamacare, with a punchline that suggests Obama would do better using the money he put into the Website, to give a two million dollar gift to every American.  But, the arithmetic is off.  It would actually be… 2 dollars.  We shudder to think how much MORE the I-Man would be worth if the Andrews were actually good at math. 

    “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BREAK THIS TO YOU, CLINT…BUT I’M NOT PRESIDENT OBAMA”

    7:13:15 a.m. –  Connell reports that the members of ‘Pussy Riot’ may, in fact, be released from prison today.  Imus says he loves it when the “Hair Do Anchors get to say ‘Pussy Riot’.”  Connell bristles.  Not that Imus suggests he is shallow enough to actually gain pleasure uttering a salty term on the air…but that he has called him a ‘Hair Do Anchor’.   The problem with that is…to be a ‘Hair Do Anchor’  You actually have to have a ‘Hair Do’.  Not a ‘Hair Don’t’

    IF IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR RICHIE CUNNINGHAM, IT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR CONNELL

    7:38:16 a.m. –  The Mensa Meeting included a visit from ‘Black Santa’.  Which, the I-Man, apparently, thought was a good idea…but then neglected to introduce, or draw attention to, the fact that he was present there on the panel.  If you’re looking for potato salad at the next Mensa picnic…you might want to consider going with the cole slaw instead.  Because the I-Man will be in charge of the potato salad.

    “TO BE HONEST WITH YOU…I DON’T MISS HIM…OR THE POTATO SALAD.”

    8:05:12 a.m. –  The I-Man watches a DVR of the show every day, and has come to the conclusion that the program is funny, which really shouldn’t be earth shaking news to him,  but what is more shocking to us is that he says he likes the kind of guy he is.   So he’s the one.

    WE REALLY MISS THOSE CAVEMAN COMMERCIALS FOR GEICO

    8:07:12 a.m.  –  “How is it my fault that Eric Bolling is a moron?”,  The I-Man wonders aloud.  He’s right about that.  Anybody who comes to up to us and asks us if we would “Tell Imus that I’m not a moron.”, is obviously, a moron.

    ERIC BOLLING SHOWS OFF HIS NEW TATTOO:  ‘MORONE’

    8:15:30 a.m. –  Pete Morgan, CEO of Peerless Boilers, and one of the BEST people on the PLANET and a long time supporter of the show, is in our ABC studios, paying a little holiday visit.  I-Man says that  Sports is sponsored by Peerless Boilers, which, luckily, allows Pete a little camera/radio airtime.  “Guess that diet didn’t work out, huh?”  The I-Man asks Pete.  “Guess that face lift didn’t work out, huh?”  Replies Pete.  Now you know why we love him.

    PETE MORGAN.  GETTING YUKS AT THE I-MAN’S EXPENSE.  BECAUSE HE CAN.

    8:40:48 a.m. –  Leif Babin and Jocko Willnik, the Founders of ‘Echelon Front’, a Leadership and Management Consulting firm, are both former Navy Seals, and, their presence provides almost too much awesome for one room to hold.  These dudes are impressive and inspiring, and it has less to do with the fact that they are as scary as F$#%, than it does that they somehow resist the urge to reach over the desk and crush the I-Man’s windpipe with their thumbs.  We shook hands with them back in the green room.  When the program is over, we will be going to the E.R. for x-rays.  And we suspect we may be known as ‘Lefty’ from now on.

    JOCKO (L) AND LEIF (R) : THEY WILL COME TO YOUR COMPANY AND SCARE THE $#@& OUT OF YOUR EMPLOYEES, EFFICTIVELY CAUSING PRODUCTION TO INCREASE APPROXIMATELY 700%

    9:02:18 a.m. –  The I-Man attempts to lure Dagen into being critical of ABC News Anchor Liz Cho, on the air.  Dagen responds. “I can’t hear you.”  “I said, ‘You look nice’.”  “Thank you!”  She has learned the time-honored Imus technique of ‘Selective Hearing’. 

    WE HEAR THIS GIRL ‘LOUD AND CLEAR’

    9:05:30 a.m. –  Our TV Boss, Kevin Magee, stops by, waits for the I-Man to go back on the air, and then silently delivers a gift.  It’s a small can of shaving gel and a disposable razor.  What was initially perceived as a thoughtful Christmas Gift, is actually just a passive aggressive way of telling the I-Man to shave that little pubic stubble he’s sporting on his chin.  If he really wanted to send a message to Imus, he would’ve just given him a revolver with a single bullet.    Imus, ever the optimist, says, “Look!  I needed a travel size razor and shave cream to take with me to Texas!”  completely missing the point.  Unfortunately, Duane Reade didn’t have any ‘Travel Size’ straight razors.

    WHAT TO GIVE THE MAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING, APPRECIATES NOTHING, AND WHO YOU WISH WOULD JUST KILL HIMSELF ALREADY

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    WE TAKE A BRIEF DETOUR FROM HOLIDAY CHEER

    IN HONOR OF LEIF BABIN AND JOCKO WILLNIK, WE SHARE WITH YOU A VERY MOVING TRIBUTE TO THE SEA, AIR LAND COMMANDOS,

    COMMONLY KNOWN AS THE NAVY SEALS

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zv9AUFpRGyc 

    Wednesday
    Dec182013

    Do You Know Santa?

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man has lost his i-Pad…in addition to his I-Mind.  Apparently, he has left it downstairs in makeup, so he sends Carley to go fetch it, as he’s afraid Theresa, the Hair Stylist is going to “Do things to it.”  Like what?  Rearrange the Rodeo Photos?  Delete the mp3 files of ‘Astral Weeks’?  Or find those naked ‘selfies’ he took that he texted to Delbert?

    HOPE YOU’RE NOT READING THIS OVER BREAKFAST

    6:06:12 a.m. –  Imus is happy that Scott Salotto didn’t win the Mega Millions Lotto. Of course, that also means he didn’t win, but…he’s already a millionaire.  Scott could’ve used his 313 Million.  So he could buy the property next to the one the I-Man currently owns in Texas.  So he could erect a giant stereo speaker and blast Pet Sounds on an endless loop, as Imus has stated that he now thinks the Beach Boys suck.  Actually, at this point, they probably should be called ‘The Beach Men’…or ‘The Golden Boys’.

    SCOTT AND HIS ‘SPECIAL FRIEND’,  SANTA, WAITING FOR THE MEGA MILLIONS DRAWING

    6:17:34 a.m. – Warner says he’s going to ‘Take One For The Team’, and go see ‘Anchorman 2’ today, and review it on tomorrow’s program.  He said he ‘Kinda liked’ the first one…he didn’t find it terribly funny, but then again, a movie about a moronic 70’s News Anchor…is like a Documentary to Warner. 

    ANOTHER MOVIE THAT WARNER THOUGHT WAS A DOCUMENTARY…AS HE WAS THERE WHEN ALL THAT STUFF HAPPENED

    6:40:46 a.m. – Cindy Bigelow, of Bigelow Tea, is on, to discuss her work with The Troops.  She is sending tea to military bases here in the States, as well as Overseas, to say ‘Thank You’ to those who are putting their lives on the line every day to protect our freedom.

    “THIS IS MY COFFEE, THIS IS MY TEA…THIS IS TO KEEP ME AWAKE, AND THIS IS FOR RELAXING AFTER A HARD DAY ON THE BATTLEFIELD.”

    7:05:15 a.m. –  A Rio Rancho New Mexico teacher has been suspended for berating a Black student who came to school dressed as Santa, because… ‘Santa is White’.  The assignment was to come dressed as a favorite holiday character.  To be fair, it’s not like the kid had a lot of options.  It was either The Kringle, a Snowman, or a Black Easter Bunny. 

    MAYBE IF HE CAME TO SCHOOL LOOKING LIKE THIS…THAT TEACHER WOULD STILL BE WORKING TODAY

    7:09:18 a.m. – According to the online dating service for people already IN relationships, ‘Ashley Madison’, Mississippi is the state with the lowest rate of adultery…prompting the I-Man to observe:  “That is, unless you count farm animals”.

    THE BEST PART IS THE CUDDLING AFTERWARDS…

    7:40:08 a.m. –  Today, quite possibly, was the finest example of ‘Blonde on Blonde’ we have had since…ever.  A discussion about Multi-Vitamins somehow leads Lis to play the ‘Private Jet Card’.  Oh no she di-int.  Oh yes she did.  Deirdre, as you might imagine, took it all good naturedly and in stride…ha ha.  Last time we saw a reaction like that was when the kid’s head spun in ‘The Exorcist’.  Girl went…ba-zoik!   Water commence bubblin’, sparks start flyin’, bugs was runnin’ all crazy, bats start flyin’ around, monkey sh*&%in’ everywhere.  When she was finished, Lis had little tiny feets!   (If you get the previous reference, you are way hipper than we ever gave you credit for.  If not, we suggest you check out the ‘Mudbone’ cut from Richard Pryor’s  “Is it Something I Said”?)

    THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU…THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU…

    8:01:02 a.m. –  The I-Man has been discouraged from attending the Annual ‘Cardinal’s Luncheon’, where Roger Ailes’ wife, Elizabeth is being honored.  Perhaps the reason for the discouragement, was Cardinal Dolan’s fear that, should Imus be anywhere there is a cross in the room, he might burst into flames.

    ‘TELL THE MAITRE D’ TO CROSS OFF ONE VEGAN ENTRÉE’

    8:18:36 a.m. –  Dagen reports that there will now be fewer lawyers, due to the fact that fewer graduates are applying to Law School.  Now Pedophiles will have nobody to look down on.

    CARCHARHINUS AMBLYRHYNCHOS FOR THE DEFENSE 

    8:38:37 a.m. – Actor, Producer, and Director, Peter Berg is the guest, promoting his new film, “Lone Survivor”, based on the failed Navy Seal Mission “Operation Red Wings”.  Mr. Berg was also the director of the film ‘Friday Night Lights’, as well as a number of episodes of the television series.  The I-Man asks him if he knows Buzz Bissinger, the author of the book.  Mr. Berg says, he does, and that they are ‘Very close’.  We wonder if, perhaps, Mr. Berg has gone shopping with Buzz at the Gucci Store…and waited by the try on room so he could answer Buzz’s question:  “Does this bustier make my ass look fat?”

     SOMETIMES, PETER BERG LIKES TO DRESS UP LIKE A DOCTOR…

    9:00:18 a.m. –  During the break, it is revealed that Peter Berg IS indeed ‘VERY Close’ to Buzz Bissinger.  They are 2nd Cousins.  This prompts Deirdre, still fired up from ‘Blonde on Blonde’, to text the I-Man.  “What a worm Peter Berg is for not admitting he’s related to Buzz”.  We can only hope and pray the I-Woman doesn’t find out which hotel Mr. Berg is staying at on his press junket for “Lone Survivor”.  Because we believe that, in that particular situation, Deirdre will be the ‘Lone Survivor’.

    MRS. IMUS PREPARING TO INVITE MR. BERG OVER FOR ‘DINNER’

     “YOU KNOW, PETER…I’M YOUR BIGGEST FAN…”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    WHEN IT COMES TO SANTA, YOU’VE GOT QUESTIONS…

    WELL, WE’VE GOT ANSWERS…

    THE TRUTH?  YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYNaEM2O5pU 

    Tuesday
    Dec172013

    The I-Man and Scott Salotto Go Halfsies on the Mega Millions

    6:05:10 a.m. –   It’s the I-Man’s 19th Wedding Anniversary. The 19th is the ‘Bronze’ Anniversary, which is fitting, in that Imus was born during the ‘Bronze Age’.

    TO COMMEMORATE THEIR ANNIVERSARY, DEIRDRE HAD THE SHOES SHE WORE AT THE WEDDING BRONZED

    6:06:12 a.m. – Imus is not so hot on the 2013 Class of nominees to the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame.  Linda Ronstadt?  Cat Stevens?  Hall n’ Oates?  Where’s Terry Jacks?  Where’s K.C. and the Sunshine Band?  Where’s the Village People? 

    HALL AND OATES: THEY’RE ALSO IN THE BAD HAIRSTYLE HALL OF FAME

    6:17:34 a.m. –  Brian is Back!!  The I-Man delivers the good news to us.  The Beloved Talking Pooch from Family Guy, who died just a few weeks ago…has been…resurrected.   Which would make quite a case for Brian being…Jes…we can’t even bring ourselves to say it.  We will say this:  ‘God’ is ‘Dog’ spelled backwards

    AND ON THE THIRD WEEK…HE ROSE AGAIN, LIFTED THE ROCK, THEN LIFTED HIS LEG

    6:35:46 a.m. – Brett Baier is on to discuss the NSA Spying story…but winds up having to answer the I-Man’s question about Ashley Madison, the ‘Life is Short, Have an Affair’ website.  According to their membership, Washington D.C. leads the nation in adultery.  Curiously, Bill Clinton accounts for 98% of the numbers. 

    DO MORMONS GET A MULTI-AFFAIR DISCOUNT?

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Country Music Legend, Ray Price, has died at the age of 87.  And we’ve had a change of heart…we’d rather the I-Man go back to talking about the rodeo than going on about all the ‘hits’ this poor old goober had.  The Boss even goes so far as to have Lou play a Dwight Yoakum version of a song Price didn’t even write, but once sang…  Okay, okay, we get it.  Ray Price is dead.  But you’re KILLING us!

    LOOKS LIKE HE USED UP ALL ‘THE GOOD TIMES’

    7:17:15 a.m. –  The I-Man can’t attend Rob’s show at Uncle Vinnies on New Years, because he is going to be in Midland Texas, although he’s not sure why.  He says there’s a Mexican Restaurant down there, called ‘La Bodega’.  Um…we have Mexican Restaurants here in New York.  And a crap load of ‘Bodegas’.   Why he has to spend 20 Grand on a Private Jet to go get a liplock on some Cheese Enchiladas…we don’t know.

    YEAH, THAT’S WORTH FLYING 3 ½ HOURS FOR

    7:38:17 a.m. –  Barbara Walters is on to promote her 10 Most Fascinating People special, and, suddenly, things take a turn for the worse…the I-Man asks her if she had an affair with Fidel Castro.  She says she’s disappointed in him for asking that question.  So, according to Warner, that means ‘Yes’.  It will take many years for us to get the image of Barbara Walters bumping uglies with the Cuban Dictator. 

    WE THINK WE SPEAK FOR THE BULK OF HUMANITY WHEN WE SAY:

    “EW”

    8:01:02 a.m. –  The I-Man and Scott Salotto are going ‘Halfsies’ on the Mega Millions Jackpot, which is currently around 600 Million Dollars.  Imus has asked Scott to buy 9 tickets.  He has given him one series of numbers.  Scott has purchased 10 tickets. Which means there’s one ticket up for grabs.  Exactly.  The chances of Scott owning up to the fact that the one extra ticket was the winner, and not one that he is in on with Imus, aren’t even as good as the odds that ANY of their tickets will be winners.  This is a lawsuit waiting to happen.  “Do you have an opening argument, Mr. Imus?”  “Yeah.  Where’s my money, bitch?”

    YEAH, HE’LL SPLIT THE MONEY WITH IMUS.  WHEN DEIRDRE ORDERS THE JUMBO RIBEYE AT RUTH’S CHRIS

    8:05:12 a.m. –  Warner suggests that Barbara Walters was lying when she denied having the affair with Castro.  (And he hadn’t even yet seen the photo above)  He says that she deflected the question with another question, which is a surefire ‘Tell’.  A dead giveaway.  Which is what Deirdre is going to call the Garage Sale she has after the I-Man croaks.  The ‘Dead Giveaway’.

    THERE’S ALSO A LOT OF BOOKS, VAN MORRISON CDS AND COWBOY MEMORABILIA

    8:07:12 a.m.  – The I-Man, apparently, has a ‘tight relationship’ with University of Texas President, Bill Powers.  Despite the fact that, at first, he can’t remember his name.   Not exactly all that good when it comes to Wyatt matriculating. Although, according to Wyatt, he ‘discovered’ ‘Matriculating’ a couple of years ago. 

    TWO UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS STUDENTS… ‘MATRICULATING’

    8:38:37 a.m. – Matt Taibbi is on to discuss his Rolling Stone article about Camden, and the loss of their Police Force.  Camden is now like blade Runner, Minority Report and Judge Dredd.  Technology has turned the once dangerously scary city into the newest vacation destination.  Well, maybe not that far, but…at least now you can go to Wendy’s for a Frosty without having to be armed.

    AT ONE TIME, NOT EVEN SPRINGSTEEN WOULD GO HERE

    9:00:18 a.m. –  The I-Man keeps Matt over for the 9 O’clock hour, such is his respect for the brilliant writer.  They talk about Basketball, and the fact that Matt is now the father of a 15 day old bouncing baby boy. 

    ‘MAX’ TAIBBI:  THE HEIR TO THE THRONE.  AND A CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A THREE MINUTE AND TWENTY FIVE SECOND MUSICAL SERMON ABOUT THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_NPbOG1-pE