6:05:10 a.m. – We are officially at DEFCON 4. Imus’ hair stylists are on the brink of war. Apparently Teresa, The I-Man’s Fox Studio hair stylist is hating on the Boss’ personal hair stylist Hanson. We believe the war of words began when Teresa said something to the effect of “How long has Hanson had Parkinson’s….. to which Hanson responded“ Given the choice between Teresa, and doing it himself, Stevie Wonder chose to braid his own hair”. This can’t end well. We’re thinking the two of them end up rumbling in an alley with rat tail combs like Tony, and Bernardo in West Side Story. Yes we used a Broadway Musical reference. They are after all hair stylists.
Ok, So Some Street Gangs Like To Do A Song And Dance Number Before They Bust A Cap In Your Ass
6:19:14 a.m. – Warner reports that the Houston Texans defensive end , J.J. Watt caught a touchdown pass. Watt? We Mean …What? The Texans decided to let their superstar defensive player play offense. That seems like a risky move to us, potentially sacrificing your best player, but Warner reports that back in college Watt went both ways. Well Warner a lot of people experiment while in college. It’s normal to explore one’s sexuality. Football players are no exception. Some football players are tight ends Warner, while others are wide receivers. We’d like to think that we’re all God’s creatures, and it doesn’t matter which …um…ahem…side of the ball ..one lines up on. Watt? Um….What Warner? You mean J.J. played tight end at Central Michigan, as well as defensive end. Well if you want to keep your “end” tight Warner, you better be defensive.
Tight End?? Where?? Hellooooooo J.J.. We heard you go “both ways”
6:40:46 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on for his regular Monday segment. Dietl sounds the alarm bell for ISIS. He’s concerned that there may be jihadists among us willing to blow themselves up, and kill Americans to get access to the “72 virgins”. We learn that Bo has different ideas about heaven than some cabby named Abu. Bo believes that Heaven is a place with nice music, and men walking around with foot long shafts. “Foot long Shafts”?? You mean their Johnsons? Well Bo, we don’t want to brag, but for some of us, let’s just say, Heaven is right here on Earth. Bo also believes that your parents and deceased love ones will be there. How could you make love in front of your moms, and your NaNa with these virgins. We tend to agree with Bo. Doesn’t sound like Heaven to us. By the way Achmed, nobody said those virgins would all be women. Let’s be honest, hearing some young woman say owwww, that hurts, you’re not putting that in there, or worse, some strapping young man making you bend over so that you can sqeal lulululu;lu 72 different times sounds more like Hell to us
So You blew Yourself Up Abdul. Well Hold On To Your Turban Big Fella That’s Not the Only Thing About To Be Blown. (It’s Virgin Wool)
7:07:35 a.m. – The I-Man has to go see his ear, nose, and throat specialist, Dr. Gwen Korovin to have the wax sucked out of his ears. He mentions that the good doctor uses a suction device that sometimes brushes his ear drum causing pain. When he flinches Dr. Korovin always shoots him an evil look. Yea that’s the reason for the dirty look. It would have nothing to do with her lab coat be splashed with the I-Man’s ear muck like some Civil War field doctor. Apparently due to the I-man being a pu…. Um… flinching, due to the excruciating pain that the ear vac causes, Dr. Korovin’s nurse has to hold the Boss down. Deirdre takes note of the nurse’s restraint technique as Imus sometimes jerks when she holds a pillow over his face.
In Case You Were Wondering What Dr. Korovin Does With All Of Imus’ Ear Wax
7:23:15 a.m. – During Warner’s sports report he refers to The New Orleans Saints defensive coordinator, Rob Ryan, as “the fat moose defensive coordinator”. Fat Moose?? Warner has clearly been working for the I-Man for too long. Next thing you know he’ll be wearing cowboy hats, and boots. We don’t imagine the diminutive Warner will be wearing the ten gallon variety. We suspect he might go for something in a half-pint size.
C’mawn little Doggeee
7:38:37 a.m. – Might Be Elvis features five songs chosen by The I-Man. Hey, where are you bastards going ? You don’t have to listen to the songs you just have to read about the songs in the blog. Jesus, we’re not that cruel. This week’s song choices included I Remember You by Skid Row, Two Night Town by Jason Aldean, My Wrecking Ball by Ryan Adams, Bring It On Home To Me by Sam Cooke, Better by Guns N’ Roses, and The Miracle of Joey Ramone by U2. Yes we know dear reader, that with the exception of the Great Sam Cooke, these songs can only truly be appreciated in your car, while in the garage, with the motor running, and the door closed.
Maybe Its Aldean’s soothing Voice Because I’m Starting To Feel Really Sleepy
8:07:26 a.m. – Last week Dagan reported that Starbucks employees with tattoos can now have visible ink showing. This leads to the observation that now that some mocha latte making schmuck has ink, then ink is no longer cool. Just so we’re clear haterz, buying a four dollar cup of fu**ing coffee isn’t cool either. Cool was when some hot waitress, wearing what looked like some sort of hybrid nurse’s outfit with white shoes for a uniform, at some diner in the middle of Possum Dick Iowa, would refill your cup without being asked, and called you “Sugah”, and you drank you cup of Joe out of a porcelain cup that you stirred with a greasy spoon.
Look Suga I Don’t Know What The F**k A Triple, Venti, Half Sweet, Non-Fat, Caramel Macchiato Is. Now If You Don’t Want This Pot Of Hot Joe Poured In Your Lap sweetie, I’d Get To Steppin
8:39:24 a.m. – Fox News National Security Correspondent Jennifer Griffin is our guest. She is on to explain the ISIS VS ISIL divide, and give her take on the situation in the region. We love this woman. She’s brilliant, and explains the situation so that a child could understand it. Although that child would have to be one that graduated Med school at 15 like Doogie Hauser. We are definitely not that child. We are more of the ice cream cone on the head, paste eating variety. Too bad she didn’t bring stick drawing with her to help explain.
Jesus moron , how hard is this, ISIL …The “L” is for Levant the Eastern Mediterranean region that encompasses Lebanon, Iraq, Syria, and Jordan. Is that paste in the corner of your mouth?
VIDEO OF THE DAY
In Honor Of The Waitresses Across America Serving That “Old School” Coffee We Present This Little Snippet Of Jack Nicholson In Five Easy Pieces
Comments from the I-Man: Nice job Tony. Rob who?