6:06:06 a.m. – The Boss is not happy today. And when the I-Man ain’t happy, ain’t NOBODY happy. Paw Paw REALLY needs his pills today…because Dana Perino, who was, you might remember, the guest for whom Dwight Yoakam was the opening act yesterday, came in with her talking points AND an attitude, so that the I-Man could not engage in a conversation with her. He wasn’t happy when she was here in the studio, and even less happy, (sorry, FEWER happy) when he got home to watch the TIVO of the program. Where, by the way, he couldn’t have a conversation with her either…despite the fact that he is wont to talk to the screen of the TV, as he does to the recorded spots here on the radio.
DON’T WASTE THE ARROWS…
6:07:14 a.m. – As if that wasn’t enough, Imus is not happy with Apple Watches, and the people who wear them. Like Drake, and Anna Wintour, and Pharrell, Katy Perry and Neil Patrick Harris. And Beyonce’ is sporting the 17 THOUSAND DOLLAR version. That REALLY irritates the I-Man. If the Apple Watch was REALLY cool, as pretentious as he is, HE’D have one. But he’d change the name to the iWatch. Except it doesn’t cost enough to grace the iWrist. When you are a media icon and beloved character, you can’t be seen in something that…NEIL PATRICK HARRIS wears.
6:08:18 a.m. – Third on the Hit List this morning, are the Hair and Makeup people here at Fox. Imus reports that you can’t say ANYTHING about the way they do your hair or makeup, otherwise they get into a snit. Of course, they are not the people who you would want in a snit. He thought his hair and makeup looked bad BEFORE…
THE I-MAN AFTER GETTING OUT OF THE HAIR AND MAKEUP CHAIR. WHAT IS THE MORAL TO THE STORY HERE? DON’T PISS OFF THE HELP. ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO ARE IN CHARGE OF MAKING YOU LOOK GOOD FOR CAMERA
6:12:22a.m. – We’re not sure why Lou Dobbs is also in the iSIGHTS this morning, other than the fact that, he didn’t show up for his appearance on the program…that was a few months ago. Much like an elephant with a grudge, the I-Man never forgets. And we agree, Lou Dobbs IS an @$$#@!&.
6:17:34 a.m. – John McCain sucks, and so does his Dickhead Staff. The I-Man attempted to reach out to the Senator, who, apparently, is too busy to speak with the Boss…at least according to McCain’s ‘people’. We assume the Senator is in the middle of a hot ‘Words with Friends’ game with Lindsay Graham…which precludes him from speaking with his good friend. Finally, the staff gets back to Imus, and says that the Senator can speak at 5:30 p.m., which doesn’t work for the I-Man, because that’s when he works out. And he wouldn’t want to drop one of those 3 pound weights on the phone. They get back to him with an appointment for 3:55 in the afternoon. Really? Seriously? Imus comes back with ‘How about 2:57?’ They don’t get it. Surprise, surprise.
SENATOR MCCAIN IS A BUSY, BUSY MAN
6:40:14 a.m. – Gayle Tzemach Lemmon is on to promote her new book, Ashley’s War: The Untold Story of a Team of Women Soldiers on the Special Ops Battlefield. The I-Man isn’t sure how to pronounce Ms. Lemmon’s name, and so he asks Dagen how to do so, as Dagen is “The smartest person here…you can ask her ANYTHING.” Dagen immediately has the answer. “Gail…her name is Gail…rhymes with ‘Bail’…okay, stupid? S.T.U.P.I.D. It rhymes with ‘Cupid’”
6:55:48 a.m. – “What a great guest, huh?” The I-Man asks us after the interview. We agree. “Smart, engaging, charming…” “..and a Snappy Lookin’ Woman” he adds. Snappy? This, about a woman who chronicled the lives of women soldiers serving with Special Operations Forces, in a combat zone, who, in her own research for the book, might have encountered similar danger as the female soldiers? Then again, it’s much easier to listen to a woman talk about anything if she’s not some…hideous hose beast.
7:02:50 a.m. – During his Weather Report, Dr. Bill reports that there is going to be some serious wind this afternoon, due to a High Pressure system coming in from Canada, which will also bring some freezing temperatures, so he warns that we should bring the pets and the plants inside. He especially wants to make sure that the I-Man covers his ‘Tender Vegetation’. Um….we suppose it IS pretty tender, like a little green sprout and…come to think of it, it’s also probably been vegetating.
7:40:18 a.m. – PSYCHOS PART DEUX, begins with Alan Colmes weighing in on former Playboy Model and Veteran, Michelle Manheart, grabbing a flag from a group of protestors, to prevent it being stepped on…ostensibly to protect it, as she protected the country when she was serving it, from defilement. Alan maintains that the protesting students’ rights to free speech were violated, even though he condemned their treatment of the flag himself. It just so happens, Deirdre, was planning on talking about the same thing. EXCEPT SHE GOES BAT$#IT CRAZY, SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS HOW THE FLAG WAS BEING DESECRATED AND IF HE IS IN FAVOR OF FREE SPEECH OVER THE ABUSE OF OUR NATION’S SYMBOL, HE SHOULD GET THE HELL OUT OF THE COUNTRY ALONG WITH THE REST OF HIS COMMUNIST FRIENDS.
7:42:47 a.m. – Deirdre’s vitriol is such that, even the I-Man himself is frightened enough that he spills his coffee all over himself and the floor. Which he is particularly irritated by, despite the fact that he is used to sitting in, an, and on a puddle.
SOMETIMES, WHEN HE HAS TOO MUCH WATER BEFORE HE GOES TO SLEEP, THE COMFORT OF THE MY PILLOW KEEPS HIM FROM WAKING UP…AND SO, COME MORNING, HE FINDS HE HAS A…WATER BED.
7:43:11 a.m. – Carley is incensed by men who feel it necessary to ruin movies and TV shows for her. Especially, her fiancée’ Pete, who had been haranguing her about ‘Breaking Bad’, and when she finally caved in, sat down and began to watch it with him, he interrupted to tell her how that particular storyline would play out. Spoiler Alert! Walter White dies. Ooops! Sorry Carley, we can’t help it. We’re still reeling over the fact that Kevin Spacey was Keyser Sose, and Bruce Willis was dead the whole movie ‘The Sixth Sense’. And Darth Imus IS Wyatt’s father.
THE DARK LORD…WHO NEEDS HELP BREATHING
7:45:18 a.m. – Gunz complains Kylie Jenner’s ‘Lip Challenge’, where teen girls are doing everything they can to get the pouty, luscious, duck face lips Ms. Jenner sports in her Selfies on Instagram. (By Ms. Jenner, we are referring to Kylie…not Kendall, Kris…or Bruce, for that matter)
STEVEN TYLER HAS SPORTED THE KYLIE JENNER LOOK FOR YEARS…BUT NOBODY GAVE HIM THE AMOUNT OF GRIEF THEY’RE GIVING TO BRUCE…
7:47:23 a.m. – And, speaking of Bruce Jenner, Bernie is upset with ‘Gender Neutral Bathrooms’…which would, essentially, remove urinals, resulting in longer lines at Public Toilets like Women’s rooms currently suffer. We are, quite frankly, surprised. We thought Bernard was off Urinals ever since he mistakenly tried one of the mints. Although you’d think he’d be okay with the Gender Neutral design…as he always sits down to pee.
“I SHOULDN’T HAVE DRANK ALL THOSE BUDWEISERS…”
8:05:10 a.m. – The Boss goes back to the Apple Watch dilemma. He doesn’t know ANYONE who would get or wear one…except himself. He finally admits that his Alcoholic/Drug Addict OC Personality would insure that he had one before they even came out. And he would today, if it weren’t for the fact that Deirdre won’t let him get one. She doesn’t want him to die from radiation poisoning, as she has spent so much time and effort poisoning his food since they’ve been married. Turns out organic Kale hides the taste of Arsenic REALLY well. Especially in microscopic portions, over the course of a few years.
WE WOULDN’T WEAR THAT ON OUR PENIS IF WE WERE YOU, BOSS
8:35:00 a.m – I-Fave, (ACTUAL, REAL I-FAVE…AND ROBFAVE, TONYFAVE, NATFAVE, CARLEYFAVE…) Neil Cavuto is in. And, turns out, one of his Five Favorite Songs is sung by AC/DC. Somehow, as much as we adore Mr. Cavuto, we have a hard time seeing him in floor seats at a concert, flashing the ‘Rock Horns’, holding a lighter, screaming ANGUS RULES!!
NEIL CAVUTO CROWDSURFING AT COACHELLA
8:44:00 a.m – Cavuto is confused with the I-Man’s recent feelings about Dana Perino, when she was listed on the Imus in the Morning Website as…an ‘I-Fave’. Of course, Neil is unaware that he is the only REAL I-Fave here at Fox. Nonetheless, he calls the Boss ‘Sybil in a Cowboy Hat’. Not true. Sybil only had 16 separate personalities. The I-Man’s number is in the Mid five figures. William Morris doesn’t have as many ‘Personalities’.
6 OF THE MORE FAVORITE PERSONALITIES OF THE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS THE I-MAN HAS IN HIS REPETOIRE
VIDEO OF THE DAY
THE I-MAN’S DANCING ‘WOOD’