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    Friday
    Jan242014

    An Indigenous Vinnie From Queens

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man shares that when he talks about people with whom he has discourse off the air, he never mentions their names…unless he has something positive to say about them, which is…never.  Anyway, turns out the contractor the Boss had quote him a 5 Million dollar price for the rodeo arena at Oak Hill, in Texas, didn’t say it would cost 5 Million...if the I-Man had paid attention and listened to the rest of the pitch, and didn’t get distracted by the Patriots game, he would have heard the contractor continue  to say, ‘But that’s not what it will cost…’   How unusual for Imus to get something wrong like that. 

    I-MAN WON’T PAY MORE THAN 4.5 MILLION FOR THIS…

    6:17:34 a.m. –   Warner announces that it will be an ‘All Swiss Final’ in the Australian Open…Stanislas Wawrinka vs. Rafael Nadal.   Um…Warner?  Rafael Nadal is from Spain.  But he likes Fondue.

    “MMM…!ME GUSTA ESA QUESO SUIZA…ME GUSTA MUCHO!”

    6:38:13a.m. – Anthony Mason is on to talk about his feature on the Grammy Nominees.  All we know is Justin Bieber isn’t nominated for anything…other than “MVP”  ‘Most Valuable Prisoner’.

    WHEN YOUR MUGSHOT LOOKS LIKE YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION PICTURE…YOU MIGHT HAVE A PROBLEM

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Bo Dietl is on to give his expert opinion on the big Mob roundup from yesterday, where some of the guys responsible for the 1978 Lufthansa Heist, that netted 5.8 Million Dollars.  Perhaps some of that money should’ve been used to find a better hiding place that wouldn’t be discovered 36 years later.

    “YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT…YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO CREAMED CORN…YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO TAKE A NAP TWO OR THREE TIMES A DAY…YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE INCONTINENT…”

    7:06:12 a.m. –  Bo isn’t here yet.  We’re a little nervous.  He knows the gentlemen in question…we hope they didn’t ‘reach out’ to him and ‘Touchitate’ him.  We don’t need any Wackatation Situation.

    WE HOPE THIS ISN’T BO.

    7:07:14 a.m. –  We breathe a sigh of relief as Bo eventually shows up.  We don’t know why we worried so much.  It’s Bo.  He’d beat Robert DeNiro to death with Joe Pesci.  He reveals that, as a NYC Detective, he locked up Jimmy ‘The Gent’ Burke, the mastermind behind the Lufthansa deal.  Unfortunately, (Or fortunately for Bo) Jimmy died in jail. 

    “NOT FOR NOTHIN’ BO…BUT YOU GOT A BIG MOUTH ON YOU.”

    7:12:24 a.m. –  The I-Man says that he believes they should’ve let this old mobsters go.  That way he can be absolutely sure he won’t need Brant to start the Bentley for him.

    “DAMMIT!  NOW I NEED ANOTHER ESCALADE…OH YEAH…AND A DRIVER.”

    7:28:56 a.m. –  Bruce Jenner, apparently, is being considered for next season’s ‘Dancing With The Stars’.  We get the feeling that, when he does the Foxtrot, he won’t be the one who ‘leads’.

    BRUCE IN HIS BID TO JOIN THE LPGA

    7:36:30 a.m. – During a discussion of the use of the word ‘Thug’ to describe Richard Sherman, Lou Rufino actually uses the word ‘Indigenous’.   We’re not sure he knows what it means, but, not only are we impressed that he invoked the word…but he pronounced it correctly.

    IS THIS ‘VINNIE FROM QUEENS’?  OR SOME GAY VERSION OF ‘THE BRADY BUNCH’?

    (IMUS IS ALICE)

    7:45:37 a.m. – Vinnie from Queens. Bombshell.  The Red Sox will shave their beards for the 2014 Season.

    WHO KNEW THE RED SOX WERE AMISH?

    8:05:10 a.m. – Bo is back with more Mob stories.  He discusses how the original case was busted due to the remainder of a hand…that was ‘DNA-ized’, and that’s how the identity of the body part was discovered.  Note to self:  When disposing a body…make sure you use EXTRA lime.  And DON’T bury it in your backyard.  And NEVER forget…the hand is the easiest thing to identify. 

    WHOEVER CAN IDENTIFY THIS BODY...RAISE YOUR HAND

    8:33:06 a.m. – Our fearless leader, the GREAT Neil Cavuto is on…we don’t know why, and we don’t care.  We love him.  It’s a full-on man-crush.

    NEIL’S GRADE SCHOOL CLASS PHOTO

    8:38:56 a.m. – The I-Man mentions that he was asked not to say anything about some deal having to do with Fox Business, and, true to his word, he hasn’t.  Although he’s brought it up 5 times this morning, he hasn’t revealed what it is.  He has, however, been asked by everyone he meets in the hallways here at NewsCorp, what he thinks about the news…that he has refused to mention.  He asks Neil what the deal is with that.  Mr. Cavuto’s response?  “Like the Lufthansa caper…sometimes you just have to wait for the right time to see how things work out.”   Okay.  So…Kevin Magee WAS involved in the heist.

    KEVIN MAGEE…(DRIVING THE GETAWAY TOW VEHICLE) IN THE LUFTHANSA HEIST

    WE DON’T KNOW WHERE HE WAS ABLE TO HIDE IT.

    8:42:8:30 – The other shoe drops…The I-Man asks Neil if he had anything to do with the hiring of Maria Bartiromo… “Didn’t she peak in the ‘90’s?”   Classic I-Man.  Welcome Maria.  Fasten your seatbelt and wear a helmet.  It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

    MARIA GEARING UP FOR HER NEW GIG AT FOX BUSINESS

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN LIGHT OF THE LUFTHANSA HEIST, AND THE RECENT ARRESTS THEREIN,

    WE OFFER A COUPLE OF THE BEST SCENES FROM THE FILM IT INSPIRED:

    THE MARTIN SCORCESE CLASSIC

    “GOODFELLAS”

     

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3eVqdnDk02Y 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_DwZfyXAXI

    Thursday
    Jan232014

    Some Guys Get All the Luck

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man appears relieved this morning.  It’s an unusual occurrence, he is almost ‘giddy’.  We find out that he did NOT get into any trouble at home last night, after the ugly ‘Blonde on Blonde’ incident with Deirdre.  The relief is so palpable, in fact, that he has decided he is going to bring up the same touchy subject during ‘The Mensa Meeting’ to see if he can “Dodge a bullet twice.”

    MISSED HIM BY THAT MUCH…

    WHY WOULD HE WANT TO PUT HIMSELF IN HARM’S WAY…AGAIN?

    6:06:12 a.m. – Imus has warmed our cockles this morning.  We have warm cockles now…and we never knew we even had cockles.  He says that someone told him that he surrounds himself with really nice people…especially Warner.  He then articulates how each of us is among the best people he knows. Aw gee….I-Man.  That’s sweet.  You’re also…um…you are…one of the people we know…

    AND HE HAS GREAT HAIR FOR A 73 YEAR OLD MAN

    6:16:32 a.m. –  The Boss wonders what he is politically.  He’s admittedly, a ‘Mixed Bag’.  It’s pretty hard to define when he supports positions from both sides…although if you want to know where he is at any given time, whatever is the most popular position is the one he will staunchly back.   It’s very difficult to put him in a box.  Well it is now, as he would be kicking and screaming, but…soon.

    “HEY DEIRDRE…DO YOU HEAR SOMETHING?”  “UM…NOPE.”

    6:25:34 a.m. – ANOTHER tedious ‘My Pillow’ spot.  This one is for the Pillow Topper, which is a mattress pad that, effectively, turns your bed into one giant ‘My Pillow’.  It’s like sleeping on an actual ‘My Pillow’.   Which is something that only Mike Lupica can literally do.

    M.C. LIL’ LUPY LU

    6:32:59 a.m. – We see footage of Mike Francesa from his very fine, and number one rating sport talk program on WFAN, where Mike goes through, item by item, the contents of the NFL SuperBowl Goodie Bag.  “Here’s some gloves…a pair of earmuffs….a bandana…” He devotes 10 minutes to this scintillating segment.  It’s marginally interesting on television, but REALLY sings on the radio.  We cut Mikey some slack, however, because he is one of the most loyal people on the planet.  And we love him.  But damn!  10 minutes trying to figure out how to work a pair of EARMUFFS?

    “WAIT A SECOND…WAIT A SECOND…WAIT A SECOND…IS THAT A BAG OF CHEESE DOODLES?”

    6:40:46 a.m. – AAA, Attorney Arthur Aidala is on to weigh in on the Amanda Knox trial, but winds up getting into a discussion with the I-Man about his hair.  He knows that both the I-Man AND Mike Francesa have fabulous hair, in fact, Francesa is so proud of his mane he will not even put a hat on it.  As opposed to the follicle challenged Aidala, who proudly rocks the bald head…like he’s Telly Savalas., dressed up like Yul Brynner for Halloween.  If ever there was a reason to wear a hat, Aidala would be it.

    COUNSELOR AIDALA WITH HIS NEW STAINLESS STEEL TOUPEE’

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Imus is concerned about Warner’s scar, which is left behind after our favorite Sportscaster’s recent Squamous Cell –ectomy surgery.  Warner says that he has a great Plastic Surgeon, Imus counters that whoever it is, he won’t be anywhere near as good as Dr. Lloyd Hoffman.  Who is the single greatest surgeon on the planet.  He’s also a full-on, Yarumulke Wearing, Orthodox Jew.  According to Imus, Dr. Hoffman is “Rockin’ that Beanie 24/7”.  Which means Warner couldn’t get his face done on a Friday.  At least after sundown.

    DR. HOFFMAN:

    “SOMETIMES, PLASTIC SURGERY CAN BE AS SHAKY AS…A FIDDLER ON A ROOF.”

    7:17:15 a.m. –  The I-Man, once again, has difficulty opening his peanut butter pouch from his Starbucks Bistro Box Protein Deal.   He has somehow not grasped the skill to tear the plastic pack at the convenient slit provided on said ‘Easy to Open’ pack.  Nat takes it, and instantly makes the peanut butter ready for the Boss to consume.  Show off.  Imus then says that when he squeezes his peanut butter, it doesn’t look appetizing.  Actually, the phrase, ‘Imus squeezing his peanut butter’ doesn’t SOUND all that appetizing either.  He says it looks like something his dog, Virgil, would leave on the Terrace.  Mmmmmm.  Dog Turds.  Not just for breakfast any more.

    “IT SEEMS THAT IF YOU CAN’T OPEN YOUR PEANUT BUTTER POUCH…THE PROTEIN BOX ISN’T HELPING ALL THAT MUCH.”  

    7:38:16 a.m. –  The Mensa Meeting.   Incredulously, the I-Man revisits the Cuomo statement.  He rolls the dice again, like a man standing at a gas pump holding a lit match.  He tempts fate…not satisfied with squeaking by un-scathed yesterday, and…  at this point, we’d have to say…he did it again.  Although, he’s not home yet…so we wouldn’t be buying any Lotto tickets before you see what awaits you back on CPW.

    SOME GUYS GET ALL THE LUCK

    8:05:02 a.m. – Imus chastises Rob for coughing…and says that ‘Coughing is emotional.’  At least, that’s what Deirdre and Wyatt tell him.  Mrs. Hank Snow maintains that whenever she walks into the room to ask the I-Man something…he starts coughing.  A not so subtle ruse to avoid having to listen to what she has to say.  We don’t think that’s the case with Rob.  If it were, he would’ve coughed up a lung by now.

    ROB’S EXCUSE

    8:12:24 a.m. – Imus makes a heartfelt testimony for “Camp New Joy”, an idea of  WABC Sales Manager, Rev. Jonathan Mason’s inspired by the Imus Ranch for Kids With Cancer.   The Rev wants to provide an environment in which young inner city youth are provided with positive role models amidst the beauty of nature. We will be doing a mini-radiothon for this worthy charity sometime soon.  Check it out at http://www.campnewjoy.org/

    CAMP NEW JOY: WE WILL BE RAISING SOME ‘SEED MONEY’

    8:15:30 a.m. – Warner is looking for a positive outcome after his plastic surgery…so are we.

    WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG FOR WARNER?

    8:17:34 a.m. – We’ll tell you what could possibly go wrong:  While reporting a story about           , Warner refers to ‘Under the money table.’   We think he means, ‘Under the table money.’  Although, when we think about it…when money is on a table…the table IS under the money.

    YEP.  THE TABLE IS DEFINITELY UNDER THE MONEY

    8:30:34 a.m. –  Connell reads the story about the Feds finally arresting the mobsters responsible for the Lufthansa Heist in ‘78.  Which, coincidentally, is about how old the mobsters responsible for the Lufthansa Heist are today.  Luckily for the Feds, the suspects did weren’t able to get far on foot.

     

    TOMMY D, VITO STOGIE, & TONY CHEESE

    8:45:09a.m. – John Stossel is on to discuss ‘Global Warming’, how New York City Tapwater doesn’t need to be filtered,  and how he ‘recreates’ by playing Beach Volleyball.  Like some hot chick in a bikini would let that guy stand behind her on the sand. 

    “I KNOW IT WAS A ‘NICE SHOT’, BUT YOU SLAP ME ON MY ASS ONE MORE TIME…”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    FOR THOSE OF YOU MISSED IT, WE PROVIDE AN EXAMPLE OF SOME OF THE MOST COMPELLING RADIO IN BROADCAST HISTORY

    (FORGET THE HINDENBURG…ALTHOUGH YOU MIGHT BE REMINDED OF IT…AS THIS IS ALSO A LARGE THING…GOING UP IN FLAMES)

    PAY PARTICULAR ATTENTION TO THE ‘CREDIT CARD HOLDER’, WHICH IS ACTUALLY ONE OF THOSE CARDBOARD BEVERAGE DEALS  YOU GET AT STARBUCKS SO YOU DON’T BURN YOUR FINGERS ON YOUR HOT DRINK

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDQZ3WXS10I 

    Wednesday
    Jan222014

    The I-Man's Philosophy

    6:05:10 a.m. –  Warner has a huge bandage on his right cheek.  Apparently he had some squamous cells removed from his face.  We’re glad he’s okay, but we have to admit that the wound does give him a little bit of street cred.  We try to convince him to answer questions about it with some cool story about him being jumped by a bunch of knife wielding punks.

    YOU SHOULDA SEEN THE OTHER GUY

    6:06:12 a.m. – Imus wonders what Frank Luntz would look like if he ‘Took off all that stuff.’  We believe…a Thumb.

    “THE LATEST POLLS REVEAL THAT PEOPLE PREFER MY THURSDAY HAIR OVER MY TUESDAY HAIR”

    6:16:32 a.m. –  Imus calls for a piece of video, and gets irritated that it doesn’t begin playing exactly when he calls for it.  He doesn’t understand why Hannity and O’Reilly can get their video to play instantly, and there’s always an interminable 2 second lag when he asks for it.   Maybe it’s because we ARE NOT ON TAPE, IT’S A LIVE SHOW AND BIGFOOT ISN’T A PSYCHIC.  Maybe.  We can’t be sure.  Whatever it is, it’s probably Rob’s fault.

    IF THERE WERE FEWER MONITORS, PERHAPS BIGFOOT COULD FOCUS

    6:27:34 a.m. – Starbucks isn’t open.  We are currently at I-Con 4.

    THE THREAT SCALE IN STUDIO G

    6:40:46 a.m. – Stuart defends the right to bear arms.  We believe that was that particular amendment that got you guys in trouble in the first place, wasn’t it?  If we didn’t have muskets, your ancestors could’ve stayed here and you wouldn’t be filing for citizenship.

    NEVER BRING A DRUM TO A GUNFIGHT

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Imus begins a sincere, measured and thoughtful statement about tolerance, gay rights, the horrors of autism and the culture of negativity that currently surrounds this country.  Suddenly, we begin hearing music in the background…Lou must’ve forgotten to keep one of the channels in ‘cue’.  The I-Man thinks he’s being given the ‘Wrap it up’ music that accompanies long acceptance speeches at awards ceremonies.  Of course, he’s wrong.  If that were the case, it would be a Delbert record.

    “AND I WANT TO THANK MY TEAM…AND EVERYBODY WHO HELPED ME ON THIS INCREDIBLE JOURNEY”

    7:17:15 a.m. –  As a result of Warner’s squamous cell surgery he reveals that he got twenty-five stitches in his cheek. The ‘Wolfman” may soon be known as Scarface. Warner has been trying out his fake Cuban accent all morning. The I-Man thinks that could be great for the two of them. Warner will get a lot more varied roles in upcoming movies, and Imus’ Latin audience will increase exponentially.

    “I GOT TWO THINGS IN THIS WORLD: MY BALLS AND MY WORD.  AND I DON’T BREAK THEM FOR NOBODY.”

    7:25:50 a.m. –  The I-Man has decided to take questions from Twitter, much as Sean Hannity did last night on his program with the Great Dagen McDowell.  The queries begin flooding in.  A few of them are actually quite pithy, the rest, surprisingly repetitious.  There are 75 thousand “Is that your real hair or did you pee through a straw?”  125 thousand “Who changes your Depends?” and 625 thousand “Just what is your f%^$ing problem?”  The answers are Yes, Deirdre and…none of your f%&$ing business.”

    IT’S DIFFICULT FOR THE I-MAN TO KEEP HIS VITRIOL TO 140 CHARACTERS

    7:41:09 a.m. – ‘Blonde on Blonde’ is particularly spirited today…we can tell because we can feel our testicles retreating up into our bodies.  The I-Man tweaks Deirdre and makes her feel that he is picking on her.  Good move, Cowboy.  Where you sleeping tonight?

    THE I-MAN ONCE SLEPT BEHIND A DRYER IN A LAUNDROMAT.  A SUBWAY GRATE IS ACTUALLY A STEP UP.

    8:17:34 a.m. – Speaking of subway grates, and the warmth they provide…The Boss is geometrically placed between two heaters, and yet, he says he’s still cold.  We understand why he feels that way.  Compared to hell, it is a  little chilly in the studio, but you need to keep the temperature low and slow when you’re making beef jerky.

    THE SIGN DOESN’T REFER TO THE DRIED BEEF SNACK

    8:20:40 a.m. – The I-Man is asked who he would pay to see in concert.  He rattles off a pretty heft list that includes Delbert, Dwight Yoakum, Kid Rock, Hayes Carll, and Van Morrison.  Then he is reminded that he would actually have to be in an audience at a concert among the Peeps.  The list then shrinks to …zero.  He wouldn’t even pay to see himself.

    NOT GONNA HAPPEN.  NOT EVEN FOR DELBERT.

    8:40:08 a.m. –  Carol Higgins Clark is in this morning.  The I-Man asks her, “What did you throw up for breakfast this morning?”   There IS such a thing as being ‘Too thin’.  But not, interestingly enough, ‘Too Rich.’  Which is why Mary Higgins Clark is still in the Sarcophagus down in Tom’s River, New Jersey.  Because she’s concerned Carol might push her in front of a bus.  In fact, she has somebody else start her Lil’ Rascal Scooter for her…you can’t be too careful.

    “JUST STAY STILL, MRS. HIGGINS-CLARK, AN AMBULANCE IS ON THE…WHAT?  CALL YOUR EDITOR?  …OHHHHKAY.  WHAT’S THE NUMBER?”

    9:05:10 a.m. – On the satellite feed monitor, we see Goldie Hawn being interviewed by Liz Claman in Davos.  It appears that somebody finally DID ‘Sock it to’ her.  Her lips are as swollen as inner tubes.  She looks like a Goldie Hawn Carp.  We don’t know what’s happened to her…Dagen chimes in with… “She’s had a lot of stuff shot in her face.”   Yeah, we know that, it’s Hollywood, she had to get her start somewhere…but what happened to her lately?

    GOLDIE HAWN.  BEFORE AND AFTER.  OOF.

    9:07:14 a.m. – Warner confesses to an incredulous I-Man that he accepted the pain medication that his doctor prescribed…which was over the counter Tylenol.  TYLENOL!  Not even TYLENOL WITH CODEINE!  The Boss breaks it down for him…yet again.  “First, exaggerate the level of pain you’re in.  I don’t care if it’s just an itch, you tell him you think you’re going to die.  Then, when the doctor starts to say ‘Ty…’  you cut him off and say… ‘The last time I had pain, the Doctor gave me something called…Perc…Perca…  Then you let the doctor fill in the blank, like you don’t know what you’re talking about.  He’ll say ‘Percocet’, and you say, ‘No, that stuff didn’t work AT ALL.  Then he gave me something called…Vi…Vi…vitamin?  He’ll say ‘Vicodin’?  And you say ‘I think that was it.  But they were BIG pills.  750 Milligrams.  I remember that, because it was the same number as the amount of pills he gave me.  Then you bring the bottle to me.  And I will keep them safe for you in case that Tylenol doesn’t take the edge off for you.”  This is why the I-Man has so many listeners and viewers.  You learn something every day.  Tomorrow’s lesson:  The Rush Limbaugh Method, or “How do I teach my maid enough English to get my doctor to give to give me another scrip?”

    DOSAGE TIP: WHEN THE PILL BOTTLE STARTS TALKING TO YOU, YOU’VE TAKEN ENOUGH.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    AL PACINO AS WARNER WOLF

    DISPENSING ADVICE ON HOW TO GET WOMEN

    VIA THE I-MAN’S PHILOSOPHY:

     

    “First you gotta get the money…then you get the power…then you get the women.”

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ORQJtxicrA 

     

    Tuesday
    Jan212014

    The I-Man and Rob Work It Out

    6:05:10 a.m. –   It’s Alyce’s birthday today!   Her husband, Tom ‘Bigfoot’ Bowman, apparently just learned his wife’s maiden name.    He assumed it was always ‘Bowman’.

    YOU CAN’T BLAME HIM FOR WANTING TO CLAIM HER.  WE LOVE THIS WOMAN.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CE’!  MAKE THAT MAN TREAT YOU EVEN MORE SPECIALLY THAN NORMAL (BECAUSE HE DOES TREAT HER SPECIALLY.  WOULDN’T YOU?)

    6:07:14 a.m. –  The I-Man can’t decide what he wants for breakfast, and ignores Carley’s attempts to find out.  So she returns with one each of his three favorite morning meals:  The Starbucks Egg Sammidge, their Protein Bistro Box Deal, and their Yogurt Parfait.  He’s annoyed at her for purchasing all three, until he finds out she bought them.  He takes the Egg Sammidge.  She eats the Yogurt, and Nat finishes the Protein Box Bistro Deal.  Later, when he’s looking for one of them for his second little snack of the morning, he overreacts when Carley tells him they are gone.  We don’t have the heart to tell him that both she and Nat spit in the Egg Sammidge.  That’s how they decided which of the three breakfasts they were going to eat.

    GUESS WHICH ONE OF THESE DOESN’T HAVE THE ‘DNA SAMPLE’ IN IT

    6:17:12 a.m. –  When discussing the Richard Sherman incident, Warner comes up with a particularly pithy bon mot: “Who do you believe?  Me, or what I tell you?”  Um…we think it goes ‘Who do you believe?  Me or your lyin’ eyes?’   We’re glad Warner at least made the attempt to use the correct phrase.  Knowing him, it could easily have been ‘Tippicanoe and Tyler too!’

    THIS COULD’VE BEEN THE OTHER SLOGAN WARNER USED

    6:35:46 a.m. – Bo Dietl is the guest this morning, to discuss Governor Christie, his Superbowl picks, and why he wasn’t nominated for an Academy Award for his role as ‘Himself’ in ‘Wolf of Wall Street’.  That was a role he was BORN to play.  And did quite a believable job of it. 

    STEPHEN BALDWIN AS BO DIETL IN ‘ONE TOUGH COP’.  HE WASN’T NEARLY AS BELIEVEABLE AS BO IN ‘WOLF OF WALL STREET’

    7:02:04 a.m. – Dr. Bill Evans reports that it’s snowing.  Hard.  A shock to us all, as we, apparently, must have all suffered massive head wounds and forgot it’s JANUARY.  Most of us believed it was just ‘Sky Dandruff’.

    WHAT’S THAT YOU SAID ABOUT ‘SNOW’, DR. BILL?  DR. BILL?  HELLO, CAN YOU HEAR US, DR. BILL?  YOU WANT US TO CALL SOMEBODY?  BECAUSE WE HAVE TO GO.

    7:03:15 a.m. –  The I-Man is winded. Winded? What do you mean?  Well, the old fool thought that it would be funny to blow his Starbucks sandwich paper bag up and then pop it while Connell is reading the news. Which, it actually might have been had he actually been able to actually blow up the damn bag.  Not a good idea for the breathing challenged. That’s probably why you never see asthmatic clowns doing balloon animals at kids’ birthday parties. 

    THE I-MAN AT WYATT’S BIRTHDAY PARTY EARLIER THIS YEAR

    7:14:15 a.m. –  The Boss complains to Nat that his ‘right side’ is cold.  He has our loveable stage manager bring the other heater out so both sides may provide warmth.  However, Mr. Candido makes the mistake of asking Imus if he ‘Wants both these heaters every day.’  He uses this as an opportunity to provide an A.A. analogy.  “Let’s get them there today…and then we’ll worry about that tomorrow.”   God forbid they’re both not in place in the morning.  It’s not unusual for the I-Man to be cold…that’s what happens when Rigor Mortis sets in.

    PUT ON A SWEATER, POPS.  IT’S 180 DEGREES IN THE STUDIO.  YOU COULD GROW ORCHIDS IN HERE.

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Hollywood and Vine.  Rob irritates the I-Man.  Mission accomplished.

    WE WANT TO KNOW WHERE ‘& VINE STREET’ ACTUALLY IS

    8:05:02 a.m. –  Imus says that he’s happy 80% of the time.  80%?  Maybe when he has a full Vicodin Scrip.  He might be happy when he first rolls out of bed…but the first human contact he makes is all he needs to hate everybody and everything…and everything about everybody.

    IMUS DISPOSITION PIE CHART

    8:17:34 a.m. – Imus worries aloud that Governor Christie might wind up in Rahway.  That probably not work out well for him.  Not with them tig ol’ man bitties on ‘im.  He should have a little conversation with Ned Beatty from ‘Deliverance’ about some men’s penchant for…heavyset ‘bitches’.  Them cons at Rahway, ‘Likes ‘em big.’

    HOPE HE DOESN’T HIT TOO MUCH TRAFFIC ON THE WAY

    8:38:37 a.m. – Vinnie From Queens.  A Bonus Edition.  And there’s a bonus panelist.  Mr. Connell McShane.  As there are a lot of Sports Topics to get to in the weeks leading up to SuperBowl.  The panel is as divided as always.  The only thing they can pretty much agree on is…Gunz isn’t getting laid.  Ever.  And Gunz, himself, wholeheartedly agrees.   You wonder why a man would have so little self-esteem.  Well, if they turned you down at the Bunny Ranch, you’d have a complex too.

    EVEN THEY WON’T TAKE GUNZ’S MONEY

    9:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man and Rob work it all out on air.  Well…kind of in the same way the Jews and Palestinians worked out their weekends with their Time Share.  It’s a rare, inside look from behind the scenes, which some of you might find amusing and entertaining, others merely confusing.  For example.  Many of you might enjoy eating sausage.  It doesn’t mean that you want to see how it’s made.   The family dynamic is full effect…after all, we ARE a family.  One, Big Dysfunctional Family. Like the Mansons.  Ozzie and Harriet it’s not.

    THE PRESSURE WAS JUST TOO MUCH FOR ROB.  VIEWINGS OCCURRED RIGHT AFTER THE PROGRAM.  NO WAY TONY WAS GOING TO GIVE HIM ‘MOUTH TO MOUTH’

    (THE ONLY REASON IT’S AN OPEN CASKET IS BECAUSE

    THEY COULDN’T CLOSE IT ON THE FAT BASTARD)

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    AT LEAST MICHAEL RIEDEL CAN READ AT A THIRD GRADE LEVEL.

    HERE, THE NUISANCE, SELF-DESCRIBED AS A GNAT FLITTING AROUND YOUR FACE WHILE YOU’RE TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION

    READS ABOUT A ‘PARASITE CARRYING BLOOD SUCKING MOSQUITO DEPOSITING THE LARVAE OF AN ELEPHANTIASIS CAUSING VALERIAL WORM’

    IT’S LIFE…IMITATING LIFE

    (DON’T FEEL YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS VIDEO IN ORDER TO CRITICIZE OR, GOD FORBID, PASS JUDGEMENT ON IT)


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgUXXTCawxY

    Monday
    Jan202014

    Remembering Martin Luther King Jr.

    6:05:10 a.m. –    The I-Man is upset because Connell ‘oversold’ Richard Sherman’s Post-Game Interview with Erin Andrews.  Sherman was somewhat upset with the behavior of his opponent Michael Crabtree, and demonstrated the disdain he had for him with a mini-meltdown.  We don’t know what the Boss was expecting…short of Sherman spontaneously combusting or going into a fugue state while a frustrated Ms. Andrews asked questions to his vacant stare…   However, we do understand his disappointment.  When it comes to ‘Meltdowns’ Imus has set the bar pretty high…

    RICHARD SHERMAN…DON’T SAY ANYTHING UNTOWARD TO HIM…HE MIGHT GET…UPSET.

    6:06:12 a.m. – The Boss doesn’t seem all that enthused that L.L. Cool J will be hosting the Grammys again.  We hate to tell him that Billy Joe Shaver wasn’t even in the running for the job. 

    HEY BILLY JO!  GIMME A HIGH 3/12!

    6:16:32 a.m. – Imus tells us that he is taking bids from contractors to build a rodeo arena at his new property in Texas.  He tells the Boss that it will cost 5 Million Dollars.  It will be a great arena, Jumbotron, two restaurants, and a little playground for the kiddies.  The I-Man uses great restraint by not shooting the man with his Colt .45.

    THIS COWBOY CONTRACTOR IS NOT GOING TO BE ‘NAILING’ THE I-MAN ANY TIME SOON

    6:27:34 a.m. – The I-Man says he won’t talk to people who won’t take off their dark glasses.  Which means that he obviously doesn’t have many welder friends.

    WE DON’T BLAME THE BOSS FOR NOT WANTING TO TALK TO THIS GUY.  AND IT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE DARK GLASSES

    6:40:46 a.m. – The Great Dick Gregory is on, and Imus says that he always learns something every time Mr. Gregory is a guest.   Like, for instance, this morning, he learned that Dick once weighed 365 pounds.  Good thing there was a war for him to demonstrate against by going on a hunger strike. 

    DICK GREGORY…BEGINNING HIS JUICE FAST

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The I-Man picked the Superbowl Teams correctly.  Warner got them both WRONG, both Lou and Tony had ONE right, but the ONLY one to get both teams correct was The Boss.  Something that he will graciously acknowledge this morning, and that will be the end of it… we will never hear anything about it again.    Yah.   And he’s going to have that contractor build a 5 Million Dollar Rodeo Arena in Brenham.

    WE HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT, JUST THIS MORNING, THE I-MAN SUCCESSFULLY PREDICTED THIS MATCHUP

    7:17:15 a.m. –  Dagen hopes that something goes terribly wrong with the upcoming Live TV production of the Musical ‘Peter Pan’.  She wants it to go like ‘Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark’…with fly wires snapping and actors dropping to the stage.  Which is a distinct possibility, when you consider that Harvey Fierstein.

    EVEN IF THEY DON’T GET HIM TO FLY…PETER’S GONNA THROW ONE HELLUVA SHADOW

    7:38:16 a.m. –  As he does every year, the I-Man plays The Reverend Martin Luther King Jr.’s  profoundly moving “I Have a Dream” speech.

     

    8:05:02 a.m. –  The I-Man reasserts his prediction that Jimmy Fallon will be fabulous…he will blow the doors off.  Unlike the Football Picks…we don’t see ANY chance of that happening.  He picked the two top teams, both favorites…really stuck his neck out on that one.

    FALLON’S GONNA ‘BREAK BAD’…HE IS ‘THE ONE WHO KNOCKS’…

    8:17:34 a.m. – Warner reads a story about Jets Tight End Kellen Winslow, who was accused of pleasuring himself in a Target parking lot.   We wonder if he hit the Target.  Bullseye?  Better wear your raincoat.

    NOW WE KNOW WHY THE CALL HIM ‘THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD’

    8:38:37 a.m. – Carl ‘Two Questions’ Jeffers is on to discuss Race Relations in America…and Dental Care.  He mentions he’s had some work done, and the I-Man is positively SHOCKED that Carl didn’t ask for any ‘Pain Killers’.  Carl says that he just takes what the Doctor prescribes.  In this case, Tylenol.  You just don’t get it, Carl, do you?  What is wrong with you?  Don’t you know the I-Man pays up to 10 bucks a pill?  What are you, a Communist?

    VICODIN…THEY’RE NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANY MORE.

    9:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man reveals that there are Hunter’s Blinds on his property in Texas.  The man who is against Duck Calls is now, apparently fine with a structure designed to hide grown men with high powered rifles, so they can pick off Deer from afar.   We think that falls under the ‘Dupe the Ducks’ philosophy:  ‘ Bamboozle the Bucks’.

    “HEY…BAMBI…AM I JUST PARANOID, OR DO YOU ALSO GET THE FEELING WE’RE BEING WATCHED?”

    9:07:14 a.m. – Imus tells us all that when he is told that something is ‘Off the Record’, he doesn’t say anything about it.  But if someone does provide him with some juicy tidbit, and they neglect to call ‘Ollyoxinfree’, he will report it.  It’s his duty as an ‘Investigative Journalist’.    Yeah, he’s a regular Edward R. Murrow.  The only thing different between him and Geraldo Rivera is…nobody’s broken his nose yet. 

    “YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO PUT YOURSELF IN DANGER, I-MAN.   I SUGGEST TO TRAIN, YOU EAT EITHER A HOT DOG OR A HAMBURGER IN FRONT OF DEIRDRE.  YOU MIGHT WANT TO WEAR A HELMET.”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    There could only be one ‘Video of the Day’ today.

    And it’s not the Richard Sherman Interview.

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRIF4_WzU1w