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    Wednesday
    Nov272013

    Happy Thanksgiving From the Freak Parade!

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   The I-Man went to the Dentist yesterday, and had a tooth pulled in preparation for an implant that required a painful injection and stitches…and when he asked what he was going to get for pain as he healed, he was informed he should take Tylenol.  TYLENOL?   What the hell is this Dentist thinking?  The Vicodin was the reason why Imus broke off the tooth with a pair of pliers in the first place.

    “HEY…LET’S GET THAT SCRIP PAD CRANKIN’ DOC, BEFORE I RUN OUT OF TEETH”

    6:09:56 a.m. –   Imus is not the only one in pain this morning.  Our Colleague, Diane Macedo, just had foot surgery…and she has pain meds.  And a boot.  And a cane.  The I-Man offers her his walker in exchange for a handful of pills.  She declines and holds out for the Little Rascal Scooter and Oxygen tank.

    YOU’D HAVE TO TAKE A LOT OF VICODIN TO GET THE IMAGE OF THIS GNARLY HOOF OUT OF YOUR MIND

    6:20:12 a.m. –  The Boss announces that he is building a Roping Arena in his new Ranch at Oak Hill Texas.  He is looking for a contractor to do so…and is “Not interested in getting ripped off.”  We don’t know why he would think he is prone to getting screwed…even though the garage just charged him 300 dollars for new pair of wiper blades. 

    “YEAH, THE NAILS ARE 200 BUCKS APIECE…YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?”

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Gordon Chang is on to discuss tensions in China.  Really?  What’s next?  Harvey Fierstein to discuss unrest between contestants on Ru Paul’s ‘Drag Race’?  Apparently, Mr. Chang’s expertise is in foreign affairs.  Big deal.  So is Dennis Rodman’s.

     

    CHANG AND RODMAN: WHO HAS THE GREATEST INFLUENCE?

    7:06:12 a.m. –  Neil Cavuto stops by to ask when he should arrive at the Imus Household for the big Tofurkey Dinner.  Surely he is being facetious.  He just wants a good vantage point to see the parade.  Either that, or he wants to take a surreptitious phone camera photo of the Boss, in his bathrobe, causing the ‘Precipitation’ emanating from the terrace.

    “I DON’T KNOW WHY IT’S ONLY RAINING ON THIS BLOCK…ON THIS SPOT”

    7:12:24 a.m. –  Lis Wiehl is still on the D.L. list.  “She claims she has a cracked knee.”  The I-Man suggests that she may be over-selling her malady.  That may be true, but in her case, it worked…she got Vicodin too.  Enjoy that Tylenol, Imus.

    YEAH, LIS IS DEFINITELY LYING.

    7:18:36 a.m. –  Jesus is Imus deaf.  You scream ‘GOOD MORNING!!!’ and you get a ‘WHAT???’    You mutter under your breath ‘You deaf old bastard…’  THAT he hears. 

    “HEY BOZO!  KEEP IT DOWN!  I’M TRYING TO THINK!”

    7:40:22 a.m. –  Blonde on Blonde.  Imogen Lloyd Weber is back, and one of the topics concerns men regretting not having more sex with different partners prior to marriage.  Deidre regrets the same thing.  We suppose that’s why she’s making up for that now.  NOBODY takes that many Tennis Lessons…and STILL can’t play.

    “TO ME, MY DEAR, ‘LOVE’ MEANS NOTHING…”

    8:05:10 a.m. –   Imus’ Dentist, Dr. Cho, just doesn’t get it.  The I-Man is not all that adept at tolerating pain.  He missed two weeks of school one year after suffering a particularly painful Wet Willie.

    FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE SUFFERED MASSIVE HEAD WOUNDS, HERE IS THE ‘HOW TO’ ON GIVING ‘WET WILLIES’

    8:17:37 a.m. –   Dagen reports on a killer deal at Starbucks, this Black Friday.  For 65 bucks, you can get a steel tumbler that will allow you to get free coffee every day for the month of January.  Carley is thrilled to learn that she will have the opportunity to go right back into the 40 MPH wind and driving rain so that the I-Man can get 31 cups of espresso for less than 2 bucks apiece.  Conversely, the doctor bill from the flu she will no doubt contract by going outside again in this weather will work out to about 186 Months worth of espresso. 

    65 BUCKS?  FOR COFFEE?  NEXT THING YOU’RE GOING TO TELL US, IT’S 300 BUCKS TO CHANGE YOUR WIPER BLADES

    8:38:16 a.m. –   I-Man tells a touching story about the human need to love and BE loved, and says that, unfortunately, for a lot of womens, there are not many available mens.  “They’re either married…gay…or Gunz.”   Well, two out of three ain’t bad.  We know a lot of women who are married to gay guys.  Gunz, on the other hand, faces a tragic life of spending every holiday…alone.

    “DESPITE THE FACT THAT MY HUSBAND IS GAY…WE STILL HAVE A VERY ACTIVE SEX LIFE.  HE JUST MAKES ME TURN AROUND.  AND YOU KNOW WHAT?  IT’S STILL BETTER THAN BEING WITH GUNZ.”

    8:40:16 a.m. –   Chris, ‘Mad Dog’ Russo is on to explain why he threw his former partner, Mike Francesa, under the bus for giving that suck up interview to A-Rod.  Our hats are off to the Dog.  It’s not that easy to do.  Most busses would not be able to drive over Francesa.  In fact, most busses don’t have enough gas to even drive around him.

    “WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND…I DID NOT GIVE A-ROD SOFTBALL QUESTIONS…”

    9:06: 44 a.m. –   Warner shares with us that he did a ‘Zip Line’ once in the Alaskan Snow.  Imus has not done a ‘Zip Line’.  But he HAS done MANY lines…OF ‘Snow’.  Just one of the reasons why our staff is so close.  We have SO much in common.

    “COME AWN!  I’M ABOUT TO CRASH INTO THE FAIR POLE!”

    9:22:44a.m. –  After some discussion about Alec Baldwin’s apparent tirade at MSNBC, in which he screamed about having a humidifier put in the makeup room, after being told that wouldn’t be possible as one of the makeup artists who worked in that room suffered from Cancer, (“I don’t care who F&*%$ing has Cancer!” ) The I-Man offers his take on the situation:  “Why is it such a crime to demand a humidifier?”  Nice Takeaway from that story, I-Man. 

    IF ‘DOUCHERY’ HAS A FACE…THIS IS THAT FACE.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

     

    IN HONOR OF ALL OF YOU WHO ARE STRUGGLING TO GET HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS IN THIS HIDEOUS WEATHER, WE OFFER A FEW CLASSIC SCENES FROM THE QUINTESSENTIAL THANKSGIVING MOVIE:

     

    PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbgOACJpZg0 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_akwHYMdbsM 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWRxPDhd3d0 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKtFIgmoqoI 

    Tuesday
    Nov262013

    Stuffin That Turkey!

    6:05:00 a.m. –   Phyllis Diller is here this morning.  Sorry.  It’s the I-Man.  He’s not having a particularly ‘Good Hair Day’.  He’s got a Doc Brown from ‘Back to the Future’ thing going on. 

    THE I-MAN BEFORE (L) AND AFTER (R) OUR HAIRDRESSER, GISELLE,  DOES HER ‘MAGIC’

    6:06:56 a.m. –   Warner was right?  WTF??  Although the I-Man tries to accuse America’s Sportscaster of pulling a ‘Weasel Deal’, there is tape evidence proving that Imus forced Warner to bet on the College games…but what’s more…HE WON!!!!

    WHO OWNS THIS?  WARNER OWNS THIS.  YOU BETTER RECOGNIZE.

    6:09:18  a.m. –   The Boss relates that the people he meets at the Rodeo who say they are fans of the program are, surprisingly, ‘Dignified’…which, in Corsicana, Texas, only means that they have teeth.

    “WE SHORE DO LOVE YER PROGRAM, AHMUS.”

    6:15:30  a.m. –  The I-Man hopes that the wind is blowing a hundred miles an hour on Thanksgiving, so that the balloon handling clowns are blown down the street. 

    ‘HANG ON TIGHT, BROTHERS!  HERE COMES A GUST!”

    6:40:30  a.m. –  Bo Dietl is a sensation in the new Scorcese movie, ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’.  Apparently, he has quite a significant part in the film, playing himself.  Rob has studied the Meisner method technique for 25 years…when he should’ve just taken the Civil Service Exam and went to the Police Academy.

    APPARENTLY, NOT ONLY IS BO IN THE MOVIE, LUPICA IS AS WELL, IN A WELL-PLACED CAMEO DURING THE ‘DWARF TOSSING’ SCENE

    6:55:01 a.m. –  Breaking News.  They’ve changed the menu at ‘El Chico’s’.   “Is it better, or worse?” we ask.  “It was always good. “  WE DIDN’T ASK YOU IF IT WAS ALWAYS GOOD…WE ASKED YOU IF IT WAS BETTER OR WORSE!!  JESUS!  CAN YOU ANSWER A F$%#ING SIMPLE QUESTION????

    IS THIS THE NEW MENU?  OR THE OLD ONE?  JUST ANSWER THE MOTHERF%$#ING QUESTION.

    7:03:06 a.m. –   We receive Good News from Dr. Bill Evans.  There will be sustained winds of 25-30 miles and hour on Thanksgiving Day.  You do NOT want to be the guy who lets go of the balloon last.

    “HOLY $#*^!!!!  DON’T LET GO, YOU GUYS!  YOU MOTHERF%^$#*S GOTTA COME BACK!  I CAN’T HOLD THESE ANY MORE!!!”

    7:13:26 a.m. – Warner plays yet another cut of an inconsolable Mike Breen after the Knicks 6th straight loss.  They are now 3 and 10.  Mike’s wife has taken away his belt and shoelaces, and started slipping Prozac in his coffee.

    “ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT ABILIFY.  ABILIFY IS PRESCRIBED AS AN ADD-ON TREATMENT FOR ADULTS WITH UNRESOLVED SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION AFTER AT LEAST 6 WEEKS ON AN ANTIDEPRESSANT” 

    7:40:22 a.m  –  American Hero Clint Hill is on to discuss that dark day in Dallas 50 years ago.  He is a compelling guest who reaffirms the notion that America is a breeding ground for some truly extraordinary individuals.

    LOOK IN THE DICTIONARY FOR THE WORD ‘HERO’ YOU WILL FIND THIS PICTURE

    8:05:10 a.m. –   Off air, Imus has related a story about his exploits in Texas this past weekend, where, due to the freezing rain conditions, he had to employ the use of a Portable Propane Heater.  Unfortunately, the weather also has made it difficult for him to breathe, forcing him to use his oxygen bottle.  Open flames and pure oxygen.  What could possibly go wrong?  We imagine the breaking news:  “Tragedy in Corsicana…Beloved Morning Radio Personality, Don Imus, got blowed up real good.”

    “WHAT’S WORSE…THE FLAMES ARE GOING TO MAKE IT EVEN MORE DIFFICULT TO BREATHE.”

    8:13:26 a.m. –  Dagen reports that Apple is working on a hearing aid.  The I-man doesn’t seem all that interested.  Probably because he couldn’t hear her.  “That’s a pretty good hearing aid you got there, I-Man.  What kind is it?”   “What?”  “What kind is it?”  “It’s almost 14 minutes past the hour you moron!”

    WE DIDN’T REALIZE THAT WHEN HE PLAYED THE TRUMPET IN THE MARINE CORPS BAND, HE WAS USING IT TO HEAR

    8:40:08 a.m. –   Mary Matalin is on, and the Boss asks her if her husband, James Carville, will be “Stuffing her turkey in that special way.”  James answers that he will be happy to stuff ANY turkey.  Which means…he won’t be having any Cajun ‘Turducken’ at his house this year.  We know one thing…Imus won’t be stuffing Deirdre’s Turkey.  For two reasons…one, there’s no opening in a Tofurkey, and Two, he doesn’t have the wind.

    MMMMMM…ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THIS AND SOMETHING THAT IS ACTUALLY EDIBLE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL

    9:06:44 a.m. –   The I-Man riffs on the hair and makeup people for not making him look good.  Really?  And you think it’s THEIR fault?  It would be like painting the Hindenberg a different color.  There are just some things that cannot be improved upon.

    And speaking of the Hindenberg:

     VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THANKSGIVING MEMORIES

    1997

    BARNEY THE DINOSAUR MAKES HIS DEBUT AT THE FAMOUS MACY’S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE

    (WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?)

    WATCH THIS:

     

      

    NOW WE KNOW HOW THE DINOSAURS GOT EXTINCT

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epgXuMB1sF8 

    Friday
    Nov222013

    Does Fox Have a Blonde Farm?

    6:05:00 a.m. –  Carley is sick.  At least that’s what she’s told the I-Man in an Email last night.  Unfortunately, she went into ‘Too much detail’, which makes Imus somewhat suspect as to the veracity of her claim.  He doesn’t ask for Warner’s  take on the situation, as Warner is the Human Polygraph of the Imus in the Morning Program…because the results would be tainted.  WW is still holding a grudge over Carley and Dagen questioning his trustworthiness with his Football Pics.  The worm has turned.  And who knew Warner was such a Vindictive person?

    THE SAD THING IS…HE STILL HAS THAT JACKET.  AND WEARS IT TO DINNER.

      

    …AND TO BE HONEST, WE PREFER IT TO…THIS!

    6:09:56 a.m. –   Dagen is back in rehab, so Lori Rothman is filling in, and the way it’s been going, it won’t be long until SHE’S in rehab.

    “TALK TO THE HAND, COWBOY!”

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Pete Hamill is on to discuss the 50th Anniversary of the Kennedy Assassination, and, although the subject has been discussed to death over the past few weeks in anticipation of today, we could listen to him talk about Monosodium Glutamate for 15 minutes and it would be interesting.  Interestingly enough, MSG is a big part of one of the more prevalent Conspiracy theories…if JFK hadn’t eaten Chinese food the night before…

    PETE LOOKS PRETTY COZY WITH JACKIE…AND ALTHOUGH HE SAYS HE WAS IN BELFAST…WE THINK HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN ON A CERTAIN ‘GRASSY KNOLL’

    6:55:01 a.m. – Heather Childers (One of the HOT HOSTS of Fox n’ Fiends First) has her boyfriend, Tom, in from Charlotte, N.C., and, apparently, he is a HUGE fan of the I-Man’s…which, in addition to being an example of her hideous taste in men, is an annoyance for Imus, as Tom wants to meet the Boss.  “Do I have to talk to him?  Or does he just want to look at me?”   Wow.  This guy really MUST be a fan, if he’s content to just look at you…running the risk of turning to stone.

    A GIRLFRIEND WHO LOOKS LIKE THIS…AND HE WANTS TO LOOK AT THE I-MAN?  PONDEROUS, MAN…PONDEROUS.

    7:03:06 a.m. –   Imus asks Lori if she’s ever gotten an autograph.  She answers, ‘Just one.  George Michael.”  We hope she washed her hands after receiving it.  She was disappointed to learn that Mr. Michael was batting for the other team. She knew she ‘Gotta have Faith’…she didn’t realize…what she really needed was a miracle.

    SORRY, LORI.  GEORGE MICHAEL.  HE’S NOT GAY…HE’S THRILLED.

    7:13:26 a.m. –  Heather and her boyfriend leave the studio after their photo op with the I-Man, who muses that Fox must have a ‘Blonde Farm somewhere’.  If there is…we would like to volunteer to help with the harvest.  

    LOOKS LIKE THERE WAS A BUMPER CROP THIS YEAR

    7:17:34 a.m. –  Lori Rothman reveals that her husband is a HUGE fan of ‘The Lord of the Rings’.  She shouldn’t have done that.  And, by the way, there’s no way there’s anything HUGE in relation to her husband.  We met him at Bigfoot’s wedding.  This guy should be standing next to Ricardo Montelban in a white Tuxedo.

    LORI’S HUSBAND MICHAEL (ACTUAL SIZE)

    7:40:22 a.m. – ‘Vinnie From Queens’ the new Sports Segment on the Program, with Gunz, Lou, Warner and Tony…otherwise known as ‘A Coupla White Guys Sitting Around Talking And Being Intimidated By A Black Guy.’   Tony says he will never say the word that has an N, I , an E, two Gs and an R again.  But you could tell he was chomping at the bit to call Lou the pejorative term for redhead.  Ginger please.

    THE ORIGINAL ‘GINGER’

    8:05:10 a.m. –   Imus relates that, on his way to the bathroom, (a 45 minute ordeal, because, as you know, he has the lung capacity of a spaniel with COPD) he overheard Lori use… THE ‘F’ Word.  (And no, despite her husband’s height, it wasn’t ‘Frodo’)  We’re talking THE ‘F’ word.  We realize that there’s no coincidence in the fact that she uttered the word immediately after he passed.  Yah.  Good thing the I-Man is deaf…so he didn’t hear the rest of the sentence.  “Have a good pee, you old F&*^”

    THE I-MAN REACTS TO LORI’S FILTHY EPITHET

    8:13:26 a.m. –  Warner is reluctant to bet his imaginary money on college games…even when he’s given another wad of make believe cash.  We suppose he doesn’t want to have to go to Pretend Gambler’s Anonymous.

    AREA 51 ALIEN, LEPRECHAUN, SANTA, EASTER BUNNY, BIGFOOT AND THE TOOTH FAIRY…ALL MEMBERS OF ‘PRETEND GAMBLER’S ANONYMOUS’

    8:17:34a.m. –   Connell reads a story about the new, sick, violent trend, called ‘The Knockout Game’…where in gangs of teens attack random, innocent victims attempting to render them unconscious with one punch.  We find ourselves wishing the I-Man walked to work every day…sadly, the pulmonary challenged Imus wouldn’t have the opportunity to get ‘knocked out’…he’d already be face down on the street, ‘passed out’.  And not the way he was in the 70’s.

    THE I-MAN CIRCA 1975

    8:38:16 a.m. –   David Ortiz, Big Papi and Shane Victorino are donating the clippings from their shaved World Series Beards to raise money for charity.  Warner wants to know if we would like some ‘Hair Balls’.  What?  AGAIN with the potty mouth?  Although we suppose we’d prefer ‘Hair Balls’ over ‘Ball Hair’. 

    WE SUPSECT THERE’S ALSO SOME CONSIDERABLE ‘BACK HAIR’

    8:40:08 a.m. –   Jim Lehrer is on to discuss the 50th Anniversary of the Kennedy Assassination, the tragic event which is the basis for his new novel, TOP DOWN.  He says he feels no remorse for asking the Secret Service whether or not they were planning on using the Bubble Top on the Presidential Limo.  Of course he doesn’t …If he did, he wouldn’t have a book to sell about it.  We actually would like to know where HE was when he heard JFK was shot.  And while we’re at it, Jimbo…what row were you supposedly sitting in at Ford’s Theater? 

    HE JUST LOOKS GUILTY, DOESN’T HE?  (ASIDE FROM BEING A DEAD WRINGER FOR THE I -MAN’S DRIVER, BRANT).

    9:06:44 a.m. –   Imus reads the an interview Mad Dog Russo gave to Bob Raissman in the Daily News, where he drops the hammer on his former partner, Mike Francesa, giving a ‘Softball’ Interview with Alex Rodriguez…which, we would have to agree, somewhat resembled a ‘Lewinsky Situation’, that wound up looking like a ‘Got Milk’ ad.  We wonder why The Dog would call out his old friend…obviously, Russo knows Francesa couldn’t knock him out…as the effort to get out of his chair sometimes makes HIM pass out.

    “HEY...IMUS…WAKE UP…HEY!  WE’RE TALKING TO YOU!  DID THAT DUDE JUST PUNCH YOU?  OR ARE YOU JUST ‘RESTING’ AGAIN?”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IT DOESN’T GET MUCH FUNNIER THAN JIMMY KIMMEL’S

    ‘MEAN TWEETS’

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTix7FDHZcA&list=PLujDbIdA7DAFOYLeEmxA0PIIR4nj9tq3p 

    Thursday
    Nov212013

    Happy Birthday Leslie Slender!

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   Imus makes the observation that Bill O’Reilly reads his emails on the air, as if they were spontaneous… They are NOT.  They are carefully chosen, but when he reads the bad emails he yells and points at the screen…the suckups, he gladly reads, agrees with them, and makes kissyface yummy sounds...which, for the majority of the mouthbreathing, massive headwound viewers in his audience, comes across as completely extemporaneous…in a totally pre-recorded way.

    “LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING…DON…I KNOW JESUS…JESUS IS A FRIEND OF MINE…AND YOU, YOU MORON…ARE NO JESUS!”

    6:09:56 a.m. –   Warner, Lou and the I-Man discuss Mike Francesa’s interview with Alex Rodriguez yesterday, on WFAN Radio and the YES television network…and, from their perspective, it appears that the two are at one of those ‘Speed Dating’ events.  Francesa does everything except massage A-Rod’s shoulders.  We haven’t seen this kind of overt wooing since Larry Craig tapped his foot in the airport men’s room.  Francesa’s idea of a hard hitting question?  “Can I get you some more coffee, Mr. Rodriguez?” 

    YOU HAVE TO ADMIT…THEY DO MAKE A CUTE COUPLE

    6:20:12 a.m. –  The Boss reads that Burger King is expanding their empire to India.  “Hold the pickle…hold the lettuce…hold the burger, it upsets us…”  They’re going to have to sell an awful lot of Fries and Condiment sandwiches…although, the overhead is low…without having to buy beef patties…and the rent in Calcutta is about three bucks a month.

    VISHNU?  NOT MUCH.  WHAT’S VISHNU WITH YOU?

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Warner reads an A-Rod quote… ‘This is effing bull ship!’   Whoa…easy there, Bad Grandpa.  First it’s ‘Pink Vagina’, now ol’ Poppa Sports Smurf has developed quite a potty mouth.   It’s either Tourette’s or Senility…we’ll know for sure if Warner goes for that tongue piercing he keeps talking about.

    ITS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME…

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Stuart Varney complains about his iPhone 5…in that he can’t text on it.  White People’s problems. We wonder if it’s just ‘texting’…maybe he’s having problems with the camera…you know…it might just be difficult for him to take pictures with one hand.

    MAYBE IT’S A GOOD THING STUART CAN’T ‘TEXT’

    7:03:06 a.m. –  Dr. Bill wants to get Imus’ email address so his friends can contact the program…I-Man responds… ‘www.divorceproceedings.com’.   It’s an inside joke…but from Dr. Bill’s reaction…it’s pretty clear that the message has been delivered.  Loud n’ Clear. 

    “SO…WAIT A MINUTE.  WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY  I NEED TO

     ‘HAVE MY JUDGE GEAR HANDY’?”

    7:13:26 a.m. –  I-Man takes a page out of O’Reilly’s book and decides to read emails on the air.  One viewer would like to know what Imus’ relationship is to Janet Reno.  Apparently, this person believes that there may be some kind of genetic tie…identical twins, perhaps?

    SEPARATED AT BIRTH?  WE SEE NO RESEMBLANCE WHATSOEV…

    WAIT A MINUTE…

    7:17:34 a.m. –  Imus laments the cost of today’s cocaine.  Congressman Trey Radel paid $250 for 3.5 grams.  Imus, 27 years ago, paid $150 per gram.  We wonder what self-respecting drug dealer would want to take advantage of such a lovable, trusting, individual?

    BACK IN THE DAY WHEN IMUS WAS DOING COKE, HE USED TO SPELL OUT ‘ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM’

    7:40:22 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting.  Deirdre doesn’t consider Adam Levine ‘The Sexiest Man Alive’.  Probably because she thinks Buddy Ebsen was the ‘Sexiest Man Alive’.

    ANOTHER MILLIOAIRE IN A STUPID HAT

    8:05:10 a.m. –   Happy Birthday to Leslie Slender.  Leslie turned 25 today.  Which is quite a surprise to her 26 year old daughter.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TO THE WARM N’ TENDER, LESLIE SLENDER.  WE HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR ‘PRESENT’

    8:17:37 a.m. –   Imus reads the Chamonix ‘Eye Bag Cream’ spot for the 10 thousandth time, and wonders why he’s still reading the same testimonial letter  from ‘Susan’.  “Is this the only letter they received?”  We find that hard to believe, but we hope he continues to read Susan’s Epistolary testimony, because we like how the Boss mentions that, although the Eye Cream works…she still has a big, fat ass.  And needs some ‘Big Butt Balm’.   At least the first 9 thousand 9 hundred and 99 times he did it.

    ALTHOUGH IT MIGHT NOT WORK ON THE ‘DERRIERE’, WE SURE WOULD LIKE TO WATCH SUSAN SMEAR SOME OF THIS ON HER BIG OL’ BUTT

    8:25:50 a.m. –   Imus revisits the Carley/Dagen Obsession with Adam Levine, as he observes that neither of the men in their lives resemble the Maroon 5 frontman/Sexiest Man Alive.  Carley’s boyfriend, Pete, is built like…well, a Michigan Linebacker.  And Dagen’s hubby, Rollo…well, he resembles one of the guys from the ‘Revenge of the Nerds’ movies.  Imus asks Dagen what she thinks of Pete, and Dagen, although she believes Carley’s betrothed to be somewhat handsome, she’s ‘Not gonna horn on her fiancée.’  We will, however, be buying Rollo a Michigan Knit Ski Cap.  Just so she can…pretend.

    ADAM LEVINE MAKES HIS FEELINGS KNOWN ABOUT BOTH PETE AND ROLLO

    8:38:16 a.m. –   James Carville is on to discuss Obamacare.  We are big fans of ‘The Ragin’ Cajun’, and agree with Imus that he is one of the most loyal, supportive, stand up guys ever.  He was one of the only ones who did not forsake the I-Man after his appearance at the White House Correspondence dinner, where Imus took a shower in his tuxedo…while at the podium…for the crickets.

    “UM…LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE I-MAN ANYWAY!”

    9:06:44 a.m. –   Breaking News:  I-Man reports that Van Morrison doesn’t want to perform on the program…and he doesn’t want to talk on the air to him either.  This is the man whose last album was titled, ‘Born to Sing, No Plan B’.  So…what’s Plan C?  Have lunch at the Blarney Stone with the Boss and bitch about Blind People?

     

    “HEY…YOU!  STEVIE WONDER!  DON’T BE KNOCKING OVER THE SPICY MUSTARD!  I’LL TAKE YOUR CANE AND BEAT YOU AND YOUR BLOODY DOG WITH IT!”

    9:06:44 a.m. –   Connell reads a story about people who eat nuts on a daily basis living longer, and being less likely to get Cancer in their lifetime.  Deirdre promptly texts the I-Man:  “I’m eating nuts right now.”   Wow.  They really get the mail early over there.

     

    “I HAVE A…SPECIAL DELIVERY FOR YOU, MRS. IMUS.  ARE THOSE CASHEWS YOU’RE EATING…OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    D.J. ‘NO SPIN’ - BILL O’REILLY.

    THE ‘DUBSTEP’ REMIX

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxxR8JFsvlc

    Wednesday
    Nov202013

    It's Two-Fer Wednesday!

    6:05:00 a.m.  –  The I-Man has to explain to Mr. Wolf that he should not be surprised by the lack of trust exhibited by Carley and Dagen yesterday.  “We are not one, big, happy family, Warner.”   Really?  We always considered ourselves a family.  Just not the Partridge Family or Brady Bunch.

    THIS IS THE FAMILY WE RELATE TO, WARNER

    6:09:56 a.m. –   Imus spent the evening reading an advance copy of Dan Jenkins’ autobiography, His Ownself: A Semi-Memoir.  He’s Jenkins’ biggest fan, to the point where he says that he remembers where he was when he read the first page of Semi-Tough , like he remembers where he was when he heard Elvis died.  We are impressed.  Not that he is such a loyal fan, but that he actually remembers two events over the past 40 years.

    FORTUNATELY, ONE OF THE THINGS ABOUT THE 70’S IMUS HAS LONG FORGOTTEN

    6:20:12 a.m. –   Warner reports a story about the Architects behind the design for the proposed Al Wakrah stadium in Qatar, which is set to host the 2022 World Cup of Soccer.  He says it resembles a vagina.  Yes.  It’s true.  It’s scandalous.  Not that the Stadium looks like the female sex organ, but that WARNER ACTUALLY UTTERED THE WORD VAGINA!!!!!   Holy S#!#!!!!  Is this one of the signs that the book of Revelations foretold?  It certainly suggests the End Times are nigh. If you thought Warner wasn’t going to open that Seventh Seal…YOU LOST!!

    ACTUALLY, RATHER THAN BEING LOCATED IN AN ARAB SOVEREIGN STATE, THIS STADIUM LOOKS MORE…BRAZILIAN

    6:40:34 a.m. –  K.T. McFarland is on to discuss tension  in the Middle East.  Really?  There’s trouble in the Middle East?  Next thing you’re going to tell us, is that Elton John is gay.  Good thing that there’s unrest over there.  Otherwise K.T. would be without a gig.

    “ABDUL!   DID YOU KNOW THE ROCKET MAN…IS GAY?”

    6:55:11 a.m. –  Imus notes that K.T. worked with Henry Kissinger when she was just 18 years old.  She’s a hot number now, and she’s a grandmother.  At 18 that girl must’ve been SMOKIN’.  And all this time we thought Hank believed ‘Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.’  Turns out it’s just a nubile teen.

    “SO…MISS MCFARLAND…YOU…ER…WANT TO COME UP TO MY SUITE?  I WOULD LIKE TO SHOW YOU MY… PHOTOS OF CHANG KAI SHEK”

    7:05:45 a.m. –   The I-Man asks his Boss a question via text message. His Boss, essentially, tells him to mind his own $@*king business.  Well, His Boss didn’t REALLY say that, but, not unlike the I-Man, we like to stir up trouble.  Imus did answer His Boss’ somewhat curt reply, by saying he did not care for  His Boss’ ‘Snippy Attitude’.  You ask us…he really shouldn’t talk to Deirdre like that.

    YOU SHOULD ALWAYS THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU HIT ‘SEND’

    7:15:30 a.m. –   Dagen introduces a new word to the Imus Lexicon:  ‘Orca Fat’, a phrase used in the movie ‘The Usual Suspects’, by Kevin Spacey as Verbal Kint.  Shamu called…he said he’s not fat…he’s just ‘Big Boned’ and has a very sluggish metabolism due to a thyroid problem.  Which is suprising, considering how much fish he eats…

    “IS IT HOT IN HERE?  OR IS IT JUST ME?  HEY FLIPPER!  YOU GONNA EAT THAT CHEESECAKE?

    7:40:22 a.m. –  Blonde on Blonde.  Imogen Lloyd Weber is here, taking Lis Wiehl’s place, who is nursing an injured knee… (Not the victim of a lead piping by Megan McDowell, btw)  It’s a clash of political ideology…culture…and size. Deirdre, a tall woman, TOWERS over Imogen.  It’s like David vs. Goliath.  If they were both really hot chicks. At one point, when Imogen is bemoaning commercial flights being so noisy…the D-Woman screams what will, most assuredly, go down as the ‘Line of the Year’.  “If you don’t like it, TAKE A PRIVATE JET!!! 

    IMOGEN TAKES ON DEIRDRE…(ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    7:56:13 a.m. –  Tony asks Imus if it seems like it’s been 50 years since the JFK Assassination.  The I-Man responds…yes, in fact, it does.  “Time doesn’t fly when you’re living my life.” , he offers.  He does remember where he was when he first heard the news, however.  He was out in California, coming home early in the morning after attending his 40th High School reunion.

    IMUS’ ‘SENIOR’ (AND BOY, ARE THEY EVER SENIORS) CLASS AT RAMONA HIGH SCHOOL

    8:02:04 a.m. –   Dr. Bill has yet another creative idea for a new segment on the Imus in the Morning Program, in the same vein as ‘Blonde on Blonde’, ‘The Mensa Meeting’ and ‘Vinnie From Queens’.  It would feature Bo Dietl, Michael Reidel, and Ringo Starr.  He wants to call it ‘’Dietl, Reidel and The Beatle”   Hey, Dr. Bill, do us a favor and shut the fu…wait a minute.  That might actually work!

    WE WOULD CALL IT ‘THE PRIVATE DICK, THE THEATER PRICK…AND THE DUMBER THAN A DRUMSTICK’

    8:05:37 a.m. –   Warner gets another opportunity to say ‘Pink Vagina’.  He can’t get enough.  Of saying it, that is.  We believe Warner be rockin’ that My Pillow Topper.  Talk about a “Fair Pole / Foul Pole” and “Hot Dogee.”

    WARNER.  OBVIOUSLY PLAYING ‘POCKET POOL’

    8:17:37 a.m. –   Warner takes YET ANOTHER opportunity to use the term ‘Pink Vagina’.  We are starting to think he might be obsessed, and we are starting to feel sorry for his wife, Sue.  That poor woman must get NO rest, ‘My Pillow’ notwithstanding.  “The Soccer Stadium’s roof appears to have…labia.”  Quite frankly, Gunz is grateful to both Warner AND the architect:  “So that’s what they look like.”  We assume he means ‘stadiums’…to think otherwise would be…way too tragic. Even for him.

    THIS GRAPHIC WORKS…ON MANY LEVELS.  HOW MANY CAN YOU COUNT?

    8:18:40 a.m. –   Imus mentions two Jimmy Breslin columns written in the wake of the Kennedy Assassination that are the two best columns ever written.   The second one, in fact, is STILL taught in Journalism classes to  this day.  Click on the links below and read some truly epically great pieces of writing. 

     http://ralrika.blogspot.com/2010/05/death-in-emergency-room-one.html

    http://www.arlingtoncemetery.net/digging-grave-an-honor.htm

    8:38:16 a.m. –   Jeff Greenfield is on to discuss his book… IF KENNEDY LIVED.  To quote Mike Francesa: Wait a second…wait a second…wait a second.  Wasn’t he JUST here, doing the same thing?  Oh, okay.  This time he’s just on the phone. That makes it different.  One thing we’re sure of.  If Kennedy lived…this book would’ve killed him.  Greenfield makes an arcane reference about a sketch on ‘In Living Color’ that only Comedy nerds like us would get.  Which, later on, will most likely be our ‘Video of the Day’.  If you keep it where it is.

    JEFF GREENFIELD, ON THE SET OF HIS NEW MOVIE: ‘THE LEON PANETTA STORY”

    9:06:44 a.m. –   The I-Man has heard from Van Morrison.  The brilliant musician and songwriter wants to ‘Get together’ while he’s in town.  We wonder why he’s here.  Given his behavior with the Blind Boys of Alabama the last time he was ‘In Studio’, we’re pretty sure it’s not a benefit for The Lighthouse Foundation. Imus says he listens to Van Morrison’s ‘Astral Weeks’…every day.  Jesus.  Waterboard us. 

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IT’S ‘TWO-FER’ WEDNESDAY!

    First, a Tribute to Deirdre and Imogen Lloyd Weber

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_qhLRUh66k

     And…

    The Obscure, Arcane sketch to which Jeff Greenfield was referring

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Opq8YCkFV9s