Follow Us On

  
Inside Imus Control Center
Recent Guests:
    Tuesday
    Aug132013

    What Was Meghan Thinking?

    6:05:00 a.m. –    Imus wonders if insects can talk, as  he is a ‘Fly Swatting’ Mother Effer, and is curious as to why the vermin have not figured out that “That old dude in the cowboy hat is killing us!”   His latest obsession is dispatching the annoying insects because  “Someone gave me a leather fly swatter a couple years ago…”  “Um…you think that a leather fly swatter…is for flies?”  Dagen…get  your mind out of the gutter.   “What, and leave my friends?”

    WE HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BOSS…BUT THIS IS NOT FOR SWATTING FLIES.  IT’S SOMETHING THAT COSTS EXTRA UNLESS YOU PURCHASE THE ‘GOLD HUMILIATION’ PACKAGE AT “MISTRESS TANYA’S DUNGEON”

    6:11:56 a.m. – Connell reports that Anthony Weiner has unveiled his first campaign commercial…and that “There’s no mention of the sexting scandal, I-Man.”  “Oh, really, Connell?  NO mention?” comes Imus’ sarcastically ironic response. 

    “HEY, NUMBNUTS!  WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE COMMERCIAL?  TAKE A ‘SELFIE’?”

    6:22:12 a.m. –   Bernie mentions that Weiner’s muse, ‘Sydney Leathers’ will be at Headquarters Gentlemen’s club in Hell’s Kitchen tonight…which gives every Red Blooded American Male in the Imus listening audience enough time to get to Home Depot to purchase ten foot poles.  Tickets for the event are still available:  50 dollars for a front row seat…100 bucks for ‘obstructed view’.

    RAY CHARLES AND STEVIE WONDER PONDER ATTENDING SYDNEY LEATHERS’ EXOTIC DANCING DEBUT THIS EVENING

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Dagen says that on the season premiere of ‘Breaking Bad’ the other night, the character of ‘Hank’, Walt’s DEA Agent Brother in Law, was wearing a Delbert McClinton T-Shirt.  The I-Man does not see how cool this is…that Delbert is name-checked on the hottest show in Television today…he only wonders why HE doesn’t have a Delbert T-Shirt.

    AM I HIGH ON METH?  OR IS THAT A DELBERT T-SHIRT?

    7:13:45 a.m. –   Imus wonders why he hasn’t heard from Karen Herbst, owner of the Champion Roping Horse ‘Sweetness’.  Of course, he forgets that he had railed on the air about how he wanted her to stop e-mailing him.  Dagen tells him that Karen had to ‘put down’  “Boo”, one of her other horses.  Of course, she means that Karen probably has not reached out to the I-Man as she’s grieving the loss of her beloved animal, but the Boss takes it to mean that Karen is blaming him for the steed’s death.  Which, of course, is yet more evidence that HE needs to be ‘Put Down’.

    “YOU MIGHT FEEL A LITTLE ‘PRICK’, MR. IMUS…WHICH IS AN IRONIC STATEMENT…SEEING AS HOW…YOU’RE SUCH A BIG  ONE.”

    7:40:22 a.m. –   The I-Man asks Governor Mike Huckabee about Reza Aslan and the Historical Jesus.  The Governor has not read Zealot as of yet, but it’s really a moot point, as the Gov is an ordained Baptist Minister, and so, he believes in the ‘Magic Jesus’. 

    “FOR MY NEXT TRICK, I NEED SOME HELP FROM SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE:  DOES ANYBODY HAVE A LOAF OF BREAD?”

    7:55:37 a.m. –   Peter Gethers’ book, Ask Bob has moved from about 100,000 sales rank to 8000 in just the hour and fifty five minutes the I-Man has been speaking about it.  We suspect the jump is from readers who are concerned about their pet’s weight.  Imus:  “Because you don’t need no Fat Pussy.”

    SHE’S NOT FAT…SHE’S BIG BONED

    8:18:40 a.m. –  In light of the recent convictions, Bernie is hoping for a Whitey Bulger prison break.  Yeah, that’s what we want to see… an 83 year old Fugitive.  Somehow, the image of Tommy Lee Jones telling the Posse to “Search every outhouse…” rings especially true.  Because that’s probably EXACTLY where Whitey will be.

    “WHITEY” ON THE LAM

    8:40:33 a.m. –   James Carville is on.  The I-Man asks him if he’s still doing the radio show with Luke Russert on XM.  Apparently, he isn’t…and hasn’t for A NUMBER OF YEARS.  This inspires Imus to wonder just exactly what Meghan, at the Imus office was thinking, when she said that she would make sure that all the guests’ bios were up to date.  The Ragin’ Cajun’s is somewhat…old.  So old, in fact, according to Meghan, James still has hair.  Huckabee’s still listed as the current Lt. Governor of Arkansas, and Larry King is still married to Alene Akins… his THIRD  (and FIFTH, as they remarried) wife.

    JAMES CARVILLE’S PUBLICITY PHOTO IN MEGHAN’S ‘UPDATED’ BIO

    8:47:42 a.m. –   Meghan double checks the bios she has saved on her computer for upcoming guests, and she assumes they are all pretty up to date.  Among the ‘facts’ that Meghan believes to be current:  Delbert McClinton is playing harmonica for Bruce Chanel, Mary Higgins Clark is thirty years old and Lis Wiehl is still a virgin.

    MARY HIGGINS CLARK (RECENT PHOTO)

    8:51:28 a.m. –   Mensa calls the Imus office.  Incredibly, they’re not looking for Meghan.

    MEGHAN…ABOUT TO TAKE THE BUS TO WORK

    8:57:33 a.m. –   Imus charges us with the task of doing a ‘Fran Wood’ on Meghan.   The ‘Choke Chain’ has been removed.  And so we offer the following:

    MEGHAN PLAYS ‘WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE’  WE THINK SHE SHOULD’VE USED ONE OF HER ‘LIFELINES’ FOR THIS PARTICULAR QUESTION. ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, THE MOON DOES LOOK SMALLER THAN AN ELEPHANT.  ESPECIALLY WHEN THE MOON IS SO MUCH FURTHER AWAY

    9:06:44 a.m. –   Joseph Abboud emails Imus:  “I do like the fact that Biblical Jesus and Historical Jesus both liked Earth Tones.”   Leave it to Abboud to turn the Son of God into a Runway Model for his Fall ‘Nazareth Casual Wear’ line.  You can’t make it up.

    “JESUS LOOKS JUST…DIVINE…IN HIS CAPRIS PANTS AND SHORT SLEEVE COTTON PULLOVER…A ‘FUN’ LOOK FOR EVERY SERMON ON THE MOUNT”

    9:15:35 a.m. –   “Have a nice weekend!”  Imus wishes Dagen.  Um…I-Man?  It’s Tuesday.  To be fair, he’s got a lot on his mind…and besides…what the hell does he need to know what day it is anyway?

    THE IMUS CALENDAR

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    “BREAKING BAD” …THE MUSICAL

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfQxr_HzelE 

     

     

    Monday
    Aug122013

    An Hour and 45 Minutes the I-Man Won't Ever Get Back

    6:05:00 a.m.  –  The I-Man watched the Larry David movie, “Clear History”, on HBO last night, and, apparently, was not all that amused.   “There’s an hour and forty five minutes I won’t ever get back.”  He gave the movie the patented Imus “Two Thumbs Up” review.  Yah.  Straight up the nether regions of David’s alimentary canal.

    HOPEFULLY, RIGHT AFTER THIS PHOTO WAS TAKEN, LARRY DROVE RIGHT INTO A BRIDGE ABUTMENT

    6:11:56 a.m. –  As part of a Lobster Newberg debt that Imus is being made to pay back with a gun to his head, author Peter Gethers is on to promote his new novel, Ask Bob.   He gives it the “Dan Jenkins First Page Test”, and it passes with flying colors.  The book opens with a scene in which a guy tries to pick up a woman…at the Anne Frank museum in Amsterdam.  This is our kind of book…one in which taste is not an issue…as it is bereft of it.  Warner is appalled.  He does not find Holocaust humor funny.  So he will not be reading Ask Bob, just as he won’t go to see ‘Book of Mormon’.  So we assume that he would DEFINITELY not see a musical based on The Diary of Anne Frank.  Not that anybody would actually think about producing one…if just for the fact that you can’t really choreograph a big tap dancing production number in an attic where people are attempting to hide from the Nazis.

    “FIVE, SIX, SEVEN EIGHT…SHHHHHH!”

    6:12:12 a.m. –   People are writing Roxanne Roundtree emails, complaining that they have yet to receive their cookbooks.   A word to the intolerant, self-absorbed, yuppie scum who are actually taking the time to harass the woman who is suffering from Lou Gehrig’s Disease:  It took her TWO YEARS to ‘blink’ the book to someone to transcribe.  You can wait an effing week for the spaghetti recipe.  Jesus, get a perspective.

    A MESSAGE FOR THE  PANTLOADS WHO HAVE LESS PATIENCE THAN A WOMAN WITH LOU GEHRIG’S DISEASE

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Bo Dietl is on…and does not disappoint, with this week’s ‘Bo-ism’:   “Hippopotomusizing.”  As in Spitzer investigating hookers is ‘Hippoptomusizing.’   We think he means ‘Hypocritical’, we just got confused, as you could also use the word ‘Hippo’ when speaking about Weiner’s skank. 

    SYDNEY LEATHERS. TO PARAPHRASE BERNIE:  “BRING PEANUTS”

     7:13:45 a.m. –   The I-Man promos Peter Gethers upcoming appearance and mentions that Ask Bob is about a veterinarian in the West Village…where the good doctor took care of cats…dogs…and, the I-Man surmises… ‘Gerbils’.

    “OH, BUBBLES!  THANK GOD THE DOCTOR BOB WAS ABLE TO RETRIEVE YOU!”

    7:40:22 a.m. –   The moment has finally arrived.  Peter Gethers is on to discuss Ask Bob.  This is one strange cat.  And we mean Peter Gethers and not his pet pussy.  We have a strong suspicion that that’s about as close to it as Peter Gethers…ever gets.   Apparently, it’s pretty heavy.  Norton, that is.  Which would be the name of the cat.

    PETER AND HIS BEARD.  (NOT THE FACIAL HAIR)

    8:05:37 a.m. –   Joe Beaver is out at the Ranch.  The I-Man says Joe has not risen as of yet, but he’s not about to wake him up.  We get the feeling Mr. Beaver probably doesn’t ‘Do Morning’ all that well…and, we can’t blame the Boss for not wanting to irritate a man whose expertise involves roping and tying.

    JOE BEAVER AND TRAVIS TRYAN.  DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME, FOLKS.

    8:22:40 a.m. –   “Sara Palin has onions.”  Bernie responds to the former Alaska Governor’s endorsement of Rand Paul.  “So does that guy on the Learning Channel with the 132 pound scrotum”, comes Imus’ response.  As of press time, it’s unclear on that gentleman’s position on Senator Paul.

    8:40:33 a.m. –   White House News Correspondent, Ed Henry is on.   Ed says he did not go to Martha’s Vineyard with the vacationing president.  Somehow, we find it a little difficult to accept that anybody who is not a Kennedy would vacation at Martha’s Vineyard.  Not that we can’t see Obama playing touch football…but we also don’t see him driving around drunk late at night.

    “WATCH THE WATER, DADDY!”

    9:06:44 a.m. –   “She plays a stripper well!”  Warner enthusiastically reviews Jennifer Aniston’s performance in ‘We’re The Millers’, the number two box office champion this week.  In the comedy, Jen plays an exotic dancer, and, according to Warner, she’s VERY believable.  We’re not sure how Warner knows this…somehow, we can’t picture him Pole Side, fist full of ones in his hand.  He maintains that he’s seen OTHER movies with strippers in them.  Ok.  We’ll go with that for now.

    LET’S GO TO THE VIDEOTAPE! 

    9:08:27 a.m. –   The Boss checks Amazon to see what Peter Gethers’ sales rank is.  He is currently at 125,545.  Oh boy.  The I-Man’s got his work cut out for him.  He hasn’t tried to hump a book that low on the list since Joseph Abboud’s autobiography, which, not even his EDITOR could bring himself to read.  We decided we would wait for the movie version.  Which is still on hold until Richard Gere can clear his schedule.

    DON’T CLICK.  THERE’S NOTHING MUCH INSIDE.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    LARRY DAVID.  HE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO SUSTAIN FOR AN HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES…BUT FOR 60 SECONDS, THE MAN IS A GENIUS.  ALTHOUGH, THIS CLIP MAY NOT BE YOUR PARTICULAR ‘CUP OF TEA’. 

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCodaoMt8XE 

    Friday
    Aug092013

    The Sucktacular Wells Fargo

    6:05:00 a.m. –   It’s not going to be a good day for Wells Fargo Bank.  They, somehow, found a way to make the Imus Ranch account, which has MILLIONS of dollars deposited in it…bounce some checks.   Note to the pinheads at Wells Fargo…the I-Man is the LAST person you want to be on the wrong side of.  Trust us, you’d prefer a Class Action Suit to him going on and on ad nauseum, beating on you until his arms get tired.  Bouncing CHECKS?  On a CHARITY bank account?  “Other than that, they’re a pretty good bank.”  What else IS there for them to do…other than PAY out on CHECKS?  How hard IS this?  Imus is now officially OFF the Wells Fargo Wagon.

    WELLS FARGO:  WE HOPE THEIR HORSES DIE

    6:11:56 a.m. –   Connell interviews the I-Man for a documentary about the Ranch, causing the Boss to observe, “You know, Connell is almost as good an interviewer as me.”  Which is kind of a back-handed compliment. 

     

    6:22:12 a.m. –   Warner:  “If you score, you can spin the ball…if you don’t, you can’t.”    NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell…REALLY enforcing that Rulebook.

    FORGET P.E.D.’S…ROGER GOODELL IS GOING TO MAKE SURE THESE KINDS OF DISPLAYS ARE REGULATED

    6:40:34 a.m. –  Dagen chimes in on the banking scandal.  She says that Wachovia has merged with Wells Fargo…and “Wachovia…will ‘Walk Over Ya’.”   She goes on to coin another phrase… “Sucktacular”.   We’re not sure it has the same ‘legs’ as “Suckfest”.   But it does provide a LOT more flexibility, usage-wise.    As in…  “Boy, that Lone Ranger was a Cinematic  ‘Sucktacular’!”

    7:13:45 a.m. –   “Chuck Hagel needs to get some Chamonix for those bags under his eyes.”   Imus asks Dagen what might cause that condition.   “Age”, comes the curt reply.  “Well, I’m old…but I don’t have those.” He insists.  “Yeah, well, yours went straight to your neck.”

    AN EXAMPLE OF ‘NECK BAGS’

    7:40:22 a.m. –   Mike Baker is scheduled to be the guest for this hour, but, apparently, he’s gone missing.  Our favorite ‘Secret Agent’ is A.W.O.L.   We sure hope they don’t try to replace him with Roger Moore.

    “HEY LISTEN, GOLDFINGER…JUST UNTIE ME FOR FIVE MINUTES…LEMME PHONE INTO THE I-MAN AND THEN YOU CAN TIE ME UP AGAIN”

    8:05:37 a.m. –   Imus has made a deal with the devil…and her name is Esther, ‘Lobster’ Newburgh.  In return for her publishing Roxanne Roundtree’s Cookbook, Imus has agreed to put some of Esther’s literary clients on the program.  First up in the ‘Payback’ tour?  Peter Gethers who will be promoting his book Ask Bob.  It’s Gether’s new, (and first) novel…his other books being treatises about his…cat.  We can’t wait for this interview.  There’s a couple things that WE’D like to ‘Ask Bob’. 

    WE’RE PRETTY SURE NOT EVEN THE CAT IS GOING TO READ ‘ASK BOB’

    8:18:40 a.m. –   There appears to be some confusion over a spot the I-Man is to record for a new sponsor:  Monroe Shock Absorbers, the confusion being over how to pronounce ‘Munro’.  “Is it MON roe?”   he asks.   “No, it’s mun RO.” Comes the answer.  “MUN ro?”   “No, mun RO!”    “Moor OON?”   “No!  MO-RON!”

    SOMEBODY CALL THE PEP BOYS SO THEY CAN TEACH THE I-MAN HOW TO SAY ‘MONROE’

    8:40:33 a.m. –   We’re late…again.  But there’s so much to rail about re: Wells Fargo, and so little time.  So Frank Rich’s time has been compromised…which, is not altogether such a bad thing.  There are certainly some Broadway Producers who would share that sentiment. 

    THE TITLE OF THAT BOOK ON THE TOP LEFT…THAT PRETTY MUCH SUMS UP WHAT LISTENING TO THE FRANK RICH INTERVIEW WAS LIKE…

    9:06:44 a.m. –   Kevin Magee emails the I-Man:  “Stop causing trouble.”  It’s a cryptic message, as we don’t know if it has something to do with Imus’ comments about Hannity being moved from the 9 O’clock spot, to be replaced by Megan Kelly, or the fact that he and Bill O’Reilly hate each other…or perhaps Mr. Magee banks at Wells Fargo, and would like to keep his ‘Free’ checking.  You know you have a problem when you are told to behave yourself…and not even YOU are sure what it is you’re supposed to not be doing.

    SPARE THE ROD…SPOIL THE I-MAN

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A MUSICAL TRIBUTE TO

    THE WORST BANK ON THE PLANET

    WELLS FARGO

    http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=you+tube+wells+fargo+wagon&view=detail&mid=ED3F7B685F640F96967BED3F7B685F640F96967B&first=0&FORM=NVPFVR 

     

    Thursday
    Aug082013

    Special Fran Wood Gallery Edition

    6:05:00 a.m. –    Fran Wood, herself a former columnist for the New Jersey Ledger, who also happens to be married to David Hinckley, a columnist for the Daily News, has three things:  A deep appreciation and fondness for the Imus in the Morning Program, many strong opinions about it…and the I-Man’s Email address. Three things that are QUITE unfortunate when taken together…especially when there’s an open microphone, a cranky cowboy, and 3 and a half hours of air time to fill.  And so today, instead of our normal blog…we have been given the order to ‘Critique’ the portfolio of Ms. Wood.  We don’t know much about art, but we know what we like…and therefore, we believe that Ms. Wood will take our comments about her paintings, in the spirit of deep admiration and appreciation that they are given this morning.

    A PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST…IN HAPPIER TIMES

     

    WE BEGIN WITH A WORK BY SOMEONE WHO IS AN ACTUAL ‘ARTIST’ : FAMOUS NORWEGIAN PAINTER EDVARD MUNCH…AND HIS RENDITION OF WHAT WE BELIEVE FRAN WILL BE FEELING BY THE END OF THE MORNING

     

    THIS PIECE COULD BE CALLED ‘MAN WITH A HORN’, ALTHOUGH WE’RE NOT EXACTLY SURE HOW HE’S PLAYING IT.  AS HE HAS NO EYES, WE HAVE TO ASSUME HE ALSO HAS NO LIPS.

       ONE OF THE THINGS THAT MAKE FRAN’S PAINTINGS SO SPECIAL IS THE SENSE OF ‘MOVEMENT’ THAT THEY INVOKE.  HERE, IN THIS ‘SLICE OF LIFE’ DAY IN THE PARK SCENE, YOU CAN ALMOST  FEEL THESE PEOPLE MILLING ABOUT…AND THAT THE DOG IS ABOUT TO LIFT IT’S LEG ON THAT LITTLE KID IN THE HAT

     

    A ‘STILL LIFE’…THAT MIGHT BETTER BE CLASSIFIED AS A ‘STILL BORN LIFE’.  BOOKS, A BRANDY SNIFTER, A MAGNIFYING GLASS, KEROSENE LAMP… AND A CLOCK.  THE SYMBOLIC IMAGERY TELLS THE STORY AS OLD AS ART ITSELF:  ‘TIME WAITS FOR NO ONE …AND ON CLOSER EXAMINATION, I REALIZE …MY LIFE…IS A CRUSHING FAILURE.  I THINK I’M JUST GOING TO GET DRUNK, DOUSE MYSELF WITH THE KEROSENE…AND SET MYSELF ON FIRE…’

      THIS IS A CHARACTER STUDY…A GROUP OF OLD PEOPLE IN THE PARK.  THEY WILL DIE SOON.  WE WISH WE WERE GOING TO DIE SOON…SO WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO LOOK AT ANY MORE OF THESE EFFING PAINTINGS.

      

    THIS IS ONE OF OUR MOST FAVORITE PIECES…A YOUNG GIRL… THE PICTURE OF CHILDHOOD INNOCENCE…AND SHE IS CLEARLY LOST.  OBSERVE THE LOOK OF DESPAIR ON HER FRIGHTENED FACE, HOPING, DESPERATELY, FOR SOMEONE…ANYONE…TO SAVE HER.  NOTE THE DETAIL…HOW HER EYES MAKE HER LOOK LIKE SHE JUST…GOT OFF A ‘SHORT BUS’. 

    IS THIS REMINISCENT OF ‘CHRISTINA’S WORLD’? 

    WE THINK NOT. 

    FRAN WOOD IS ABOUT AS MUCH LIKE ANDREW WYETH AS ANDREW DICE CLAY.

     

     

    YOU’RE AN ART SUBJECT WHO HAS FOUND HIMSELF IN A PAINTING DONE BY FRAN WOOD WHERE HE IS ON THE DECK OF A BOAT. OUR ADVICE?   JUMP.

     

    THIS IS ANOTHER CHARACTER STUDY…THREE GUYS IN A KITCHEN, HARD AT  WORK.  NOTE THE SUBTLE USE OF TEXTURE AND COLOR…THE COMPOSITION AND USE OF LIGHT…AND YOU WILL REALIZE THAT FRAN MUST’VE PAINTED THIS ONE WHILE WEARING BOXING GLOVES.  THERE ARE, PREHISTORIC CAVE PAINTINGS  THAT ARE BEING DISOVERED AS WE SPEAK, THAT MORE CLOSELY ACHIEVE AN ARTISTIC AESTHETIC.

     

     

    AN ART GALLERY.  YOU’LL NOTICE…THERE AREN’T ANY PAINTINGS BY FRAN WOOD HANGING ON THESE WALLS.  EXACTLY.  THERE’S A REASON FOR THAT.

     

     

    THIS IS A PIECE CALLED ‘ACAPELLA’, WHICH IS LATIN FOR  “A GROUP OF PEOPLE SINGING WITHOUT MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT”…AS OPPOSED TO ‘SINE INGENIO’ WHICH IS  LATIN FOR “A PERSON PAINTING WITHOUT TALENT” 

     

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    ONE OF THE GREATEST TELEVISION PAINTERS EVER TO PUT PIGMENT TO CANVAS

    THE GREAT BOB ROSS

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lurt5FosdB4

     

     

    Wednesday
    Aug072013

    Word of the Day: Suckfest

    6:05:00 a.m. –  The I-Man begins the morning by ‘hitting’ on Warner.  “Hey Warner, you look good…have you done something different to your hair?  Don’t take this the wrong way, but you are a handsome man.”   Hey, Cowboy, take it easy.  Warner is happily married.

    “MAN THAT WARNER SURE IS ONE BROWN-EYED HANDSOME MAN.”

    6:07:57 a.m. –  Imus promos Vince Gill and Paul Franklin’s appearance tomorrow morning...and mentions one of the inventions that Vince is responsible for…something called a ‘Pedi-Bro’…which is a Pedal Dobro, to which, Imus says,   “There’s a joke in there somewhere…but one that only Tony can do.”   A Pedi-Bro?  Sounds like an African American you wouldn’t want to trust babysitting your kids…who wanders down to the mall to put in a job application to play Santa during the Christmas Shopping Season.

    “HEY…ST. NICK!  THAT BETTER BE A CANDY CANE IN YOUR POCKET.”

    6:16:17 a.m. –  Al Roker, who is, quite possibly, the most reprehensible person on the planet, (truly…on a list of degenerates, Roker would be below the Kid Touching Santa) overslept the other day, and missed his Today Show appearance…an event that inspires Dagen to make the following observation.  “Al Roker is a ‘suckfest’ unto himself.”   We have a new term to add to the Imus in the Morning Lexicon:  ‘Suckfest’.  As in “Boy, Al Roker is even awfuller than Phil Griffin.”

    “LET’S SEE WHAT’S HAPPENING IN YOUR NECK OF THE WOODS.”

    6:55:18 a.m. –  Not even an hour after we hear about Al Roker’s absence from the Today Show, Dr. Bill Evans has disappeared…he’s missed HIS weather hit.  We hope that he too, like Al Roker, merely overslept, and did not…also like Al Roker… poop his pants.   Which leaves us wondering what kind of ‘Gear’ you’d need to wear for that eventuality.

    DR. BILL EVANS IN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL… ‘HAVE A GREAT DAY!’

    7:07:09 a.m. –  Warner promos his sports report, which will include the information that Alex Rodriguez was hit by a pitch…and the crowd cheered!  Yankee Manager, Joe Gerardi, attempts to defend A-Rod by chastising the crowd for shouting their approval.  Imus maintains that, the next time the Chicago White Sox pitcher throws the ball, he should do it into the dugout to try and hit Gerardi while he’s at it.  And then whip another one into the Broadcast Booth to bean that annoying Yankee Frontrunner Michael Kaye. 

    NICE LOOK FOR YA, MIKE

    7:40:01 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde…or as we like to call it, ‘The New Mexico Guantanamo Moment’.   There’s a troubling story at the top, involving, Connell’s birthday, which was on Sunday…and his wanting another piece of his birthday cake a couple days later…only to discover that Deirdre had…THROWN IT OUT!   In keeping with Imus’ position that Deirdre ‘Sucks the Joy out of every moment of life’, Connell’s Boston Cream Birthday Cake was ‘recycled’.  When confronted with this…Deirdre informed ‘Numb Nuts’ that his Birthday was on Sunday.  Not Yesterday.  “You don’t keep eating Birthday cake after your birthday is over.”  By that logic, if you got a sweater for your birthday…you couldn’t wear it again until next year?  The I-Man is right.  This woman is…CRAZY.

    WHAT’S WORSE…WE THINK DEIRDRE THREW CONNELL’S SON, JACK, IN THERE AS WELL, AS, HIS BIRTHDAY’S OVER TOO

    8:05:01 a.m. –  Dagen informs us that the zipper on the back of her dress is down. We’re not exactly sure why she’s shared this with us, or what she expects us to do with this particular piece of information, but, quite frankly, we are too terrified to ask. 

    BEFORE ANYBODY KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING…DAGEN SLIPPED OUT

    8:08:01 a.m. –  “Memorabilia dealers are the worst.  They are lower on the food chain than the slime you find under dead logs in the forest.”  But still not lower than Al Roker.

    “I SWEAR, THIS IS A GENUINE HONUS WAGNER ROOKIE CARD…AUTOGRAPHED IN MAGIC MARKER…”

    8:18:56a.m. –  Dr. Walid Phares, Middle East Terrorism Expert, is coming up.  “Hey Bernie, what are we going to talk to Dr. Phares about?”  Um…every American Embassy from New Zealand to Siberia is closed due to the superfluity of ‘Chatter’ that was intercepted by Homeland Security…I guess we’ll be asking Dr. Phares what he thought of ‘The Lone Ranger’ movie?  If it were up to us, we’d ask Dr. Phares if the box the cab driver just gave us to check as baggage on our flight to D.C….(the one that is ticking and smells faintly of gasoline)…is something that we need to worry about.

    “START THE PUSSY RIOT!”

    8:38:01 a.m. –  “This portion of the program is brought to you by Lincoln…I’m assuming it’s the car.”   No, actually, it’s ‘Abe’.  He actually drove a Lincoln to FORD’s theater.  (Get it?  Lincoln/Ford…see what we did there?)  Apparently Abe and Mary have tickets to see Morgan Freeman perform dramatic readings from ‘Uncle Tom’s Cabin’. 

    “I LOVED HIM IN ‘SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION’”

    8:40:26 a.m. –   Dr.Walid Phares is on to discuss the Al Qaeda threats in the Middle East.  We’ll be damned if his voice doesn’t sound EXACTLY like the one that’s on those tapes released by the NSA.  He could easily get a gig doing the ‘Audio Book’ for ‘Jihad for Dummies’.   We would LOVE to be behind Dr. Phares going through Airport Security, and say aloud… “You want me to take this Carry On and put it WHERE?”   And watch the fun begin.

    9:05:27 a.m. - “Hey Dagen…Lindsay Lohan did a great job guest hosting for Chelsea Handler the other night.”  The Boss informs our hot Business News Reporter.  “That’s because they have great writers.” Explains Ms. McDowell.  “Well, she was in control of her faculties.” He insists.  Wow!   She gets kudos because she didn’t wet herself or throw up all over the desk?  THAT’S the new bar?

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

     

    http://youtu.be/aADedn-G9pU
     

    WATCH LINDSAY LOHAN ‘BEHAVE HERSELF’ AS GUEST HOST FOR CHELSEA HANDLER