Crying...The Sign of a Good Movie

6:02 a.m. –  After a somewhat tense, awkward moment at the elevator bank in the NewsCorp lobby this morning, we would like to begin today’s installment with a disclaimer/retraction:  Last week, we suggested that Fox Business’ own Stuart Varney, star of one of the jewels in the Fox Business Programming Crown, ‘Varney & Company’, liked to ‘Tuck (himself) between (his) legs, look at (himself) in the mirror and pretend that (he’s) a woman.’   What we meant to say was that Stuart likes to ‘Tuck himself between his legs, look at himself in the mirror and pretend that he’s Dame Judi Dench.’

Stuart Varney.  Waiting for his ‘Company’

6:15 a.m.  –  Imus begins the morning by reading the rundown of guests for the day’s program: Bo Dietl, Anthony Mason from CBS and Fox News contributor Sally Kohn, and says ‘If you can come in on Monday morning and like all three guests, you know it will be a good week.’  We are now officially ‘Waiting for the other shoe to drop ’.  The over/under is set at 7:43 A.M. for the week to be ruined.

6:22:11 a.m. – The I-Man will be getting a number of tests this morning, Cat Scans and Pet Scans…although you would think a ‘Cat’ scan would technically count as a ‘Pet’ scan, but the point is moot, as Imus has not studied for any of these tests.  All he knows is he is not allowed to eat past 7:30 a.m., although he maintains that, in the past, he has had coffee way beyond his ‘deadline’.  Tony suggests that this fact may have altered the previous test results, and that, he might not really have Cancer after all, which means for the past three years, Imus has been eating like a Biafran P.O.W. for nothing.

6:36:57 a.m. –   One of Imus’ Ear Monitors is not working.  He suspects it’s “I-Ear Gunk”.  We suspect the Ear Monitor has been in Imus’ head too long and has decided that, it too, ‘Doesn’t feel well this morning.’

6:39:14 a.m. –   Bo Dietl calls T-Boone Pickens ‘T-Bone Pickens’.   At least he didn’t call him ‘Slim Pickens.’  He then gets into a contentious exchange with Imus about style.  Bo accuses the I-Man of looking like a Pall Bearer.  Bo himself is wearing a striped green and white tie with matching pocket square which gives him the appearance of a stick of Wrigley’s Spearmint gum.  Imus refrains from making a ‘Rodeo Clown’ reference.  A sure sign that he is evolving.

6:43:02 a.m. – A text message from Joseph Abboud, ‘You should never wear a matching tie and pocket square.  They sell those sets at Cheap Department Stores.”  Bo suggests that Joseph Abboud likes to ‘Tuck himself between his legs, look at himself in the mirror and pretend he’s still Joseph Abboud.’

7:16 a.m. – Imus mentions that, while watching the Miami Heat/Indiana Pacer Playoff Game, to see “My man ‘Bron”, he stumbled across Diane Lane’s Star Turn in ‘Unfaithful’, which, he assessed, was ‘Pretty Good.’  He asks if any of us have seen the steamy, 2002 Potboiler, as he wanted to know ‘What was going on?’.  Tony provides a quick synopsis, taking time to mention the number of hot sex scenes between Ms. Lane and heartthrob Oliver Martinez.  Imus, apparently, missed all of them…which, basically, is the only reason to watch the film in the first place.  After a few questions that clearly determine he had only viewed the last 20 minutes of the movie, he is asked “What exactly did you see?”  He responds… “Diane Lane and Richard Gere were both crying.”  “So how did you know it was any good?”  “I figure if you got a couple actors crying on film…it had to have been a good movie.”   He probably would have been disappointed in ‘The Crying Game’, as there really wasn’t a whole lot of ‘crying in the movie, although there certainly was quite a bit of it in the audience, especially during the scene where the camera pulled back to reveal that the leading lady had a penis. 

7:22:11: a.m. ­– Connell reports a story about an outbreak of Food Poisoning at a Mother’s Day event at a Buddhist Monastery, where 150 people got ill after eating Rice Balls and Stir Fry.  Dagen gets an uncontrollable case of ‘The Giggles’ at this news.  We wait with bated breath for Connell to read the story about the 15 people dying in a plane crash in Nepal.  She might wet her pants.

7:29:12 a.m. ­­– Bernie Briefing:  Seth Myers on the Controversial Time Magazine Cover.  Newsweek, apparently, is attempting to be just as controversial with their cover:  A child breastfeeding off his gay father.  Talk about Sisyphean tasks.  And by that, we mean Sisyphus of Greek Mythology, not ‘Sissyphus’, The Cartoon Homosexual Icon.

“Sissyphus” From ‘The All New, Gay Adventures of He-Man’

7:36 a.m. – Anthony Mason, Senior Correspondent for Business and Economics at CBS News, is the guest.  He looks very different than he did back when he was playing Small Forward for the Knicks back in the Early 90’s. 

 

Anthony Mason Then and Now: He Obviously Has That Skin Disease Michael Jackson Had

8:05:12 a.m. ­– Warner Wolf gets Dagen-Like giddy about Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton’s success against “Two Hundred Million Dollar Man” Albert Pujols’ California Angels.  Hamilton is on a hot streak that might net him Baseball’s ‘Triple Crown’, its’ highest honor, while Pujols himself isn’t even hitting Imus’ weight.  Imus calls Warner on the fact that Warner can’t stop giggling as he reports the story.  Warner says it’s a ‘Feeling Bad For You’ laugh.  Much like Deirdre on the Imus’ wedding night.

8:12: a.m. ­–   Imus asks Tony about the box-office-record-breaking   ‘Avengers’ movie.  “Is it any good?”  Tony responds “You wouldn’t like it.  Nobody cries.”

8:24:13 a.m. – Geraldo Rivera wants to file ‘Rape’ charges against a TSA agent who felt him up during a security screening prior to a flight to Afghanistan.  Imus: “Well, who wouldn’t want to feel up Geraldo?  He’s cute.”  Especially when he tucks himself between his legs, looks at himself in the mirror, and pretends he’s ‘Chita’ Rivera.         

8:37 a.m. –    Sally Kohn, newly crowned I-Fave and Power Rotation guest, is on.  She brings a lot to the table, she’s fiercely bright, likable, and hysterically funny.  Unlike…Ron White.  You thought we forgot about him, didn’t you?  Nuh uh. 

9:09:12 a.m.  – Imus gets an email from his doctor, telling him he can actually eat until 9:30 a.m.  “I still got 20 minutes to get my ‘Food Freak’ on. “  He tries to calculate how long it would take Brant to drive Carley down to the ‘El Idolo’ Taco Truck on 14^th Steet.  Given Brant’s past driving performance and navigation skills, he figures about 3 days.  Carley could walk it backwards in less time.  I-Man considers having her go to Starbucks across the street, except they don’t offer cheese enchiladas there.  If they did, they would have some alternate, snooty, Yuppie name for them, and would charge 350 bucks apiece. 

9:11: a.m.  – Dagen reports that Ina Drew, J.P. Morgan Chase’s Chief Investment Officer, one of the highest ranking women ON Wall Street, has resigned, in the wake of the two billion dollar investment trading scandal.  Imus:  “Well, that’s what happens when you put a woman in charge.  Right Dagen?”   Dagen responds in her usual, demure, low key fashion:  “Bite me.  Right here, right now.’  Well, that’s convenient…he still has another 19 minutes left to eat.  Carley offers him some ‘Rice Balls’ and Stir Fry she got over the weekend at a Buddhist Monastery.  Dagen gets the giggles. 

Did yewwwww know...

6:08 a.m. – On this very day in 1869, the Transcontinental Railroad was completed.  This bit of news has no bearing on the events that will transpire this morning; we offer it just as a point of reference, with the thought that perhaps in 2069, people will look back on today and think… “That was ‘THE’ day Imus actually had no health complaints.”

6:08:12 a.m.  –   “I don’t feel well.”   Well, there goes another historic moment.   

6:38:57 a.m. – Stuart Varney is the first guest.  Imus presses him on the ‘Gay Marriage’ issue.  Stuart starts sweating like Richard Simmons at a Streisand concert.  We haven’t seen tap-dancing like that since Gregory Hines died.   Varney is the first contestant in our ‘Fox Host Beauty Pageant’ this morning.  John Stossel is next, who, we believe, actually has an edge over Varney in the ‘Swimsuit Competition’.  If only for the fact that he knows where to put the potato. 

Stuart Varney (Artist’s Rendering)

6:41:02 a.m. –  The I-Man asks Stuart what he was thinking while he was watching Liz Claman interview Buffet and Munger and Gates the other morning, which took place during his program, thereby denying him precious air time in favor of the 3 Money Mouthbreathers and the Mini Skirted Money Mama.  Stuart responds:  “Did yewwwww know that I have the finest pair of legs in Broadcasting today?  Did yewwww know that I was voted ‘Miss Best Gams In Britain 1953’? Did yewwww know that I like to tuck myself between my legs, look at myself in the mirror and pretend that I’m a woman?  Perhaps I’ve shared too much.  Sorry, mate.”

7:01 a.m. –     Christopher ‘Mad Dog’ Russo will be a guest tomorrow. We wonder if Imus will ask him about his stance on Gay Marriage.  Imus should really ask Russo’s wife, seeing as how she is actually IN one.

7:09 a.m. – Dagen does a Business Hit about Chanel #5’s new Cover Girl:  Brad Pitt.  What are they trying to say with this choice? “Buy Chanel #5 if you want to smell like Sandalwood…and penis.”  It’s this kind of Business Analysis that has made the Imus in the Morning Program the #1 show on FBN.  You don’t get that kind of insight over at CNBC, now, do you?

7:37:02 a.m. – John Stossel is on, promoting his book No They Can’t, which appears to be a fascinating publication with a lot of pages in it.  We’re not exactly sure what it is that ‘they’ can’t do, but we suspect that not only have they done it, they’ve done it more than once.  Hey John, 1970 called.  One of their Porn Stars is missing a moustache.  The last time we saw an upper lip like that was in a movie that we watched in a booth on 42^nd Street that took a whole roll of quarters to view in its’ entirety. 

 

Harry Reems & John Stossel:

One of these things is just like the other

7:37:47 a.m. – John’s book is titled: No They Can’t: Why Government Fails But Individuals Succeed.   You’re just dying to read that, aren’t you?  Admit it.  It’s either go to Amazon to download it to your Kindle right now, or break a wine glass and jab the jagged shards into your eye sockets.  There’s one thing you can say about John Stossel:  He’s not Mike Lupica.  

7:52:11: a.m. ­– The I-Man reveals he’s begun receiving ugly emails from Neil Cavuto about his treatment of John Stossel during the interview.  Cavuto maintains that Imus never treats Lupica with the same kind of disdain and disrespect as he has just shown Mr. Stossel.  Neil uses the words ‘Imbecile’, ‘Moron’ and ‘Idiot’ in his assessment of The Boss.  This shocks the staff as it becomes readily apparent that Cavuto has stolen Imus’ Thesaurus. 

8:06 a.m. –    The I-Man continues to ‘Not Feel The Love’ from “Ol’ Billboard Forehead”.  We all put our helmets on.  It’s gonna get ugly.  Cavuto’s wearing Gasoline Jockey Shorts and Imus is holding a match. 

A Mean Spirited Neil Cavuto

8:15:12 a.m. ­– Imus:  “At least I don’t do these condescending, suck-up interviews that Cavuto does.  He LICKS his guests.”  At that very moment, the Hotline in Neil’s office rings.  Apparently, Joseph Abboud would like to come on to promote his new line of ‘Crotchless Leather Cargo Pants’.  This statement from Imus causes Dagen to say the word ‘Penis’ again.  Now the Hotline in her office rings.  It’s almost a Pavlovian response.  Abboud can’t help himself.

8:17:  a.m. ­– Imus, still ranting about Cavuto, takes it ‘To 11’.  ‘Where is Neil’s office?  We’re going to kick his ass!’  We?  WE?  What’s all this ‘We’   s***,  Kemosabe?

8:32: a.m. ­–    KT McFarland, Fox News’ National Security Analyst, (And John LeBoutillier muse) is the kind of smart, powerful, confident woman that we find sexy.  She is a ‘Take Charge’ kind of dame, who knows her way around an IED.  If you see something, say something.  “Um…what’s in the briefcase, KT?  And why is it ticking?”  “None of your f***ing business, fat boy.”

KT Goes Grocery Shopping

9:17 a.m. – Connell reveals that Mitt Romney will be on Cavuto’s program this afternoon.  Imus, still percolating and seething with rage over Neil, says, “That’ll be one Suck Up interview.  Cavuto will be smooching Romney’s butt and making ‘Kitty Sounds’.“ We’re not sure, but we think Imus just called Cavuto a ‘Pussy’.

9:18:12 a.m.  – Imus does the ‘Throw’ to Stuart’s program, ‘Varney & Co.’   “Did yewwwwww know that I’m not British at all?  I was actually born in Canarsie?”  “Did yewwwwww know that I like to sit in a tub full of lukewarm tapioca while listening to Freddie Mercury sing ‘Bohemian Rhapsody?”   “Did yewwwwww know that I’m not wearing any pants behind this desk and I’m actually touching myself as I speak to you?”   Varney’s hotline rings.  Guess who?

Full Travolta

6:10a.m. –  The I-Man wonders why John Travolta called his office yesterday ‘Looking for Sean Hannity’.  Seems odd, unless you consider how much Hannity reminds one of ‘Horshack’.

6:29 a.m.  –   During the Bernie Briefing, Bernard relates that a SECOND Masseur has come forward with allegations of Sexual Harassment and Assault against John Travolta.  Imus is incensed.  “DO YOU CARE IF JOHN TRAVOLTA IS GAY?”  Although we don’t, we think his wife may be somewhat interested in the answer to that particular question. 

Oh, no…he’s not Gay.  No way.

6:34 a.m. – Bernard airs a clip of Catherine Scalia, the ‘Hot Dog Hooker’ who was released from jail yesterday after being arrested for offering something other than ‘Relish’ on the ‘Hot Dog’ of an undercover cop.  In a related story, the gentleman who makes the Cheese Enchiladas at the El Idolo Taco Truck, will ‘Roll Your Chimichanga’ for an extra five bucks.   Hold the sour cream.

6:38:57 a.m. – Barry Sloane, the head of the Small Business Authority, is the guest.  Let’s just say…he’s no Charlie Munger.  Not just because he’s not a multi-billionaire, but it appears that both of his eyes are working.   Mr. Sloane doesn’t have that ‘Misaligned Headlight Look’, plus, he WILL (Hear the I-Man’s Strother Martin impression here) “Lowun yewwww the muuunnny.”       

6:41:12  a.m. –  Mr. Sloane says the ‘Growth Industries’ to get into, in terms of small business, are all in health care, as we have growing population of the aged.  Imus suggests a ‘Scooter Store’ which Barry thinks is a good idea.  Rob and Tony on the other hand, are interested in ‘Retail Pharmaceuticals’.  We are looking for a small business loan to procure some ‘product’…through a legitimate importer we know named ‘Deuce’, who’s got some ‘Primo’…um… ‘Aspirin’.   

7:05:23 a.m. – Warner teases his ‘Big Story’ for his upcoming Sports Report.  The identity of the ‘Most Respected Athlete In History’.  We all take guesses.  Tony suggests “Meta World Peace’, Bernard offers “Michael Vick”,  Lou says “Roger Clemens”, Rob says “Manny Mota”, but the I-Man assures us all that it HAS to be Willie Mays.  We all laugh at him.  What an idiot.   

7:07:02 a.m. –  Imus: “Dagen, have your read the 50 Shades of Grey  books?”   She claims she has not yet experienced the Mega-Popular ‘Housewife Porn’, but they are on her Summer reading list, as they are ‘Sexy Time for the ladies.’   We wonder just exactly what ‘Housewife Porn’ is.  Rob claims that for his wife, it’s  “A Husband who doesn’t leave his dirty underwear on the floor of the bedroom and takes out the f***ing garbage every once and awhile, is that too much to ask for, you Fat F***?”

7:07:47 a.m. – Carley has suddenly taken ill and had to go home.  “I hope she’s okay”, the ever-concerned I-Man says… “I mean, I guess that means no coffee this morning…nothing.”  In a related story, a plane crash kills 56 in the Andes Mountains.  “I guess that means there won’t be any coffee tomorrow either.” 

7:08:11: a.m. ­–  Dagen’s Business Report includes the results of a study that reveals ‘Posting on Social Network Sites stimulates the same pleasure centers of the brain that are affected by food, sex and receiving presents.’    Dagen says “That means Anthony Weiner must get a double dose of thrills by taking shots of his Peeper and then posting them on the web.”  The headline here…Weiner has a ‘Peeper’.    Does that mean ‘Mr. Peepers has…a weiner?’  Catherine Scalia says yes.  But it’s a cocktail frank. 

7:16 a.m. – Warner reveals the identity of the ‘Most Respected Athlete In History’.  It is, in fact, Willie Mays.  When Imus says “That’s what I said!”  Warner replies, “But you told me not to reveal anything.”  Imus is furious.  “BUT I GOT IT RIGHT, YOU SONOFABITCH!”  This exchange bears an uncanny resemblance to an Abbott and Costello bit.  “Who’s in Centerfield?”  “Willie Mays.”  “No, WHO’S in Center Field?”  “WILLIE MAYS!”  “What’s the name of the guy in Centerfield?”  “WILLIE MAYS!”   “No…it’s Willie Mays.”

7:40 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde begins, or as we like to call it, ‘A Coupla White Chicks, Sitting Around, Talking…And Talking…And Talking…And F***ing TALKING SHOOT ME THEY WON’T SHUT UP!’   All across the country, Male Television viewers are aroused, while millions of Radio Listeners experience Spontaneous Erectile Dysfunction Syndrome.  Watch with the sound down.  You’re good to go.

7:47 a.m. –  Lis Wiehl has lovely eyes.  They are not unlike those of a baby seal…just before the club comes down on its’ adorable little head, smashing its sweet little skull into shards of bloody bits.   Deirdre also has lovely eyes…albeit…crazy ones.  Kind of like those of the Hunter wielding the Baby Seal Club.   She gets the look that Carrie got at the Prom just before all hell broke loose…and then, all hell breaks loose.   Lis gets the equivalent of a bucket of pig blood dumped on her head. 

8:06:12 a.m. ­– Carol Higgins Clark emails the I-Man:  “Dear Imus, I couldn’t be more pleased that Gypped was the ‘Mercy Choice’ for the Imus ‘Book of the Week’ list.  Idiot.”  We suspect Carol has been the ‘Mercy Choice’ on quite a FEW lists. 

Carol Higgins Clark. 

“Mercy Mercy Me… Things Ain’t What They Used To Be”

8:32: a.m. ­– Former Knick Forward, Senator Bill ‘Dollar Bill’ Bradley is the guest, promoting his new book, We Can All Do Better.  Or as we like to call it, A Few Chapters Short of a Bestseller.  Other titles Senator Bradley considered,  We Can All Afford Not To Suck As Much As We Currently Do;  I’m Okay, You Blow;  and  Guess Who’s Not Getting It Done?  You, You Fat Bastard, were all rejected by the publisher.

8:35 a.m. – Senator Bradley, virtually ‘Knick Royalty’, as he was one of the last players to actually win a Basketball Championship, is a commanding presence.  Connell and Tony, huge Knick fans, practically go ‘Full Travolta’ on him.  They both fall all over themselves to get their picture taken with him.  Rob also asks the Senator if he could get a snapshot as well.  As Rob is dressed as ‘Paula Deen’ this morning, Bradley declines.  He believes that “Posing with a Fat Man in a dress, isn’t exactly the best kind of ‘photo op’ for a former U.S. Senator.” A Congressman, maybe.  Like Barney Frank.

9:05 a.m. –    Warner is confused as to who collapsed in the 1970 Knick / Laker Playoff Game.  Initially, he thought it was Bill Bradley, however, Bradley informs Bernard who informs Warner that it was actually Dave DeBusschere.  Warner:  “You seen one Knick, you seen them all.”  Tony:  “So what are you trying to say, Warner?  All Knicks look alike?”   Knickerbocker, please.

9:27:12 a.m.  – Imus refers to Bernard’s earlier assertion that he would rather get a lap dance from Dick Morris than from the “Hot Dog Hooker”.   

  

Q: From whom would you rather get a lap dance?  A: Jump Ball

(Although with the option on the left, lunch is included)

9:27:12 a.m.  – Bernie plays a clip of the legendary Don Rickles, who turned 86 yesterday.  Don won The Johnny Carson Award For Comedic Excellence at the Comedy Awards last Sunday.  We all comment on how unbelievably funny that man is.   “Although the funniest guy I ever saw was Jonathan Winters.”  Imus says.  “Different types” Warner offers.  “…ohhhhhkay.” Imus says.  “Thanks for sharing that, Warner.”  Then as soon as we are off the air:   “Shut the F*** up!”   Imus and Warner. Two of the funniest guys we ever saw.  Although…different types.  We are shutting the f*** up now.

El Idolo, Game Changers, and Bob 'Really Big Boy' Beckel

6:15a.m. – Imus: ‘Dagen, you look like a traffic cone.’  Apparently, anybody whose pigmentation is even a shade darker than clear is ‘getting WAY too much sun.’  The I-Man, a ‘Pale Rider’ himself, accuses our Business Babe of tanning her face.  She claims it’s merely makeup.  We believe her, if only because we saw the bottle and it had the name ‘Pat O’Brien’ on it. 

6:19 a.m.  –   Dagen reminds us that she travels with a spare, ‘back-up’ pair of panties. It’s not for what you might think.  She just likes to be prepared in case she should suddenly find herself at a Neil Diamond concert and needs something to throw at the stage. 

6:30: 57 a.m. –    Imus relates a story of his day yesterday that not only included a visit to the Acme Safe company, but a stop at the El Idolo food truck where he sampled Cheese Enchiladas which, apparently, rival those at La Bodega in Midland Texas.  And, they’re much more convenient, as La Bodega doesn’t deliver to the Upper West Side.   

 

EL IDOLO, ‘A TREMENDOUS GOAL OF FLAVOR!'

6:31 a.m. –   As Imus continues the story, it appears that The Taco Truck visit was much more of an event than initially suggested.  It seems that the Radio Legend was recognized and yet, surprisingly, people were still able to eat, AND keep their food down.  Those must be some REALLY good tacos. 

 

THE I-MAN (2^ND FROM LEFT) WAITING FOR HIS ENCHILADAS

6:34:02 a.m. – Bernie Briefing.  Bernard plays a clip from The Columbian Prostitute, whose assessment of the U.S. Secret Service Agents was…shall we say, less than flattering?  She maintains the agents seemed to enjoy flaunting their abs and were very aggressive, although they pleaded for her to ‘Stay the night’.  Bernard says, “These are hookers!  You don’t ‘spoon’ with them!  They’re not there to get to know you better, or pick out china patterns!  She comes in, you get your business done, and then you kick her the hell out. ‘’   All of these suggestions for South American Prostitute protocol may be found in Bernie’s new book, ‘Hoes For Dummies’,  published by Knopf.

6:42:11 a.m. ­– Nat brings a couple of phone books and a step stool into the studio.  It can only mean one thing:  Mike Lupica is here. Nat is going to set up a Thanksgiving Style  ‘Kid’s Table’ for Lupy so he will feel more comfortable.

6:58 a.m. ­– Lupica sees the I-Man in the hallway prior to his interview.  The Boss waves, but Mike wants to engage him in conversation.  Imus explains that he has his ear monitors in, and can’t hear a word he says.  Non-plussed, Lupy moves closer and speaks louder and slower, the same way one does when one finds out that a person is retarded.  Imus informs the diminutive author that he ‘Can’t f***ing hear you!’ Lupica moves even closer, and shouts.  For some reason, the annoying little shrimp doesn’t get the hint.  This behavior is a thing with “Little People” That’s why all his friends who bake cookies with him in the hollow tree are so over-enthusiastic.

7:07 a.m. ­–   Imus:  ‘Lupica is a tiny little thing, isn’t he?’  He’s known the man for 35 years.  He’s just NOW realizing that his friend buys his wardrobe at Gymboree?    Today Lupica is sporting a black suit and white shirt.  It seems that Garanimals now makes formal wear.

 

Mike Lupica, Stylin’.

7:08:12 a.m. – Imus spills a bottle of water all over his desk.  This is the second time today he has had a problem ‘Holding his water’.  As we speak, Deirdre is squee-geeing the rubber sheets on the California King in the Penthouse.

7:38:11: a.m. ­–  Because the I-Man is giving poor little Lupy a hard time about the characters in his book, Mr. Lupica threatens to refresh the I-Man’s memory of his Greenwich Village days, live on the air.  Mike ‘knows where the bodies are buried’, a phrase that we believe is euphemistic, however, considering Imus’ behavior in the 70’s…ANYTHING is possible.  In fact, Jimmy Hoffa was last seen at the bar at Elaine’s with the I-Man. 

7:46 a.m. –   Imus presses Lupica on whether or not there are any ‘Gay’ characters in his new book ‘Game Changers’ .  Lupica’s books are heart-warming, inspirational moral tales about sportsmanship, persistence, and courage in the face of adversity. They have introduced thousands of young people to the joys of reading.  For some bizarre reason, Imus wants to change that image and make them seem like Jacqueline Suzanne novels.   It’s Game Changers, NOT Sex Changers.  Million Dollar Throw  NOT Million Dollar Ho.  If it were up to Imus, ‘The Cat In The Hat’ would be ‘The Pussy In The Thong’

8:06 a.m. –  Carley calls Lupica’s driver to let them know that he will be leaving shortly, to allow ample time to find the key to wind it up.       

Lupica’s Car & Chauffeur

8:15:12 a.m. ­–   Dagen’s business report:  ‘Down was down for awhile, but now, down is up’  Um…what the f*** is she talking about?   Apparently, goose feathers, the natural stuffing used in comforters and winter jackets.  According to Dagen, Down is in short supply, as it depends upon the number of geese that are slaughtered for food, and even in England, people are eschewing their traditional ‘Christmas Goose’ in favor of a healthier holiday meal.   The current price for the feathers has shot up to 28 dollars a pound, after being only 12 dollars in 2009.  Of course, the number of planes running into them isn’t helping matters any.  It won’t be long before Glenn Beck is on with a commercial endorsing it as ‘Part of a diversified investment portfolio…65% stocks, 20% bonds and mutual funds, 10% Gold and 5%...pillows.’

8:32: a.m. ­– I-Fave, Bob Beckel of Fox News’ ‘The Five’ is on, wearing his trademark   Suspenders.   The last time we saw a pair of braces like that we were crossing the George Washington Bridge.  We love Bob, who, like Imus, is a recovering alcoholic.  However, whereas Imus has channeled his addictive tendencies towards an organic vegan diet and rigorous treadmill regimen, Mr. Beckel has found solace in ‘All You Can Eat’ buffets and Mongolian Barbecues. 

Bob Beckel Enjoying A Light, Mid-Morning Snack

8:35 a.m. –    Bob 'Really Big Boy' Beckel ‘Weighs in’ on the Columbian Hooker / Secret Service Scandal, maintaining that, if you’re single, off duty, and it’s legal in the country you are currently visiting… ‘What’s the big deal?’   Oh, gee, Bob, we don’t know.  Maybe something about compromising the safety and security of the MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE FREE WORLD?  We suspect that Bob’s somewhat idiotic position on the matter is due to low blood sugar.  We send Carley to get a Junior’s Cheesecake to get him through the interview without sounding like a complete moron.  We love the guy, but…come on, man!      

8:47 a.m. –   After ingesting the entire Cheese Cake, Bob is, once again, his lucid, measured, normal self.  He informs us that his position on the ‘Hooker’ situation is the result of thousands of man hours of research into the ‘Rules of Engagement’ with Foreign Prostitutes.   His biggest gripe with the Agent in Question is the 800 dollars paid for said ‘Columbian Joy Ride’.  He maintains that, given the exchange rate, the Agent could have procured the sexual services of an entire Colombian Women’s Softball Team, AND have them prepare him Bandeja Paisa: grilled steak, fried pork rind, chorizo sausages, on a bed of rice and red beans, which is also the national dish of Colombia.

For 800 Bucks American, you can get 9 Columbian Hookers AND This

9:05:12 a.m.  – Connell takes to the microphone for the I-Man, who is in the middle of one of his famous ‘Mental Patient Coughing Fits’, and introduces Warner for his ‘Sports Tease’.  Although his brain is wired to say ‘Yes, I-Man’, Warner, caught off guard, responds, ‘Yes M’a’am.’   Connell is a soft-spoken, sweet, kind man.  We suspect he would be Warner’s ‘Bitch’ in prison. 

9:07:34 a.m. – Imus raves about ‘The Five’ being such a ratings champ on the Fox schedule, to which, Dagen replies, ‘Well, what did you expect?  It’s Fox News!  They know what they’re doing!’  This prompts Imus to ‘Get Medieval’ on Dagen, vehemently accusing her of being a shameless ‘Suck Up.’   Rob reminds the I-Man that he has, quite frequently, waxed effusively about how our Fox Boss, Kevin McGee is such a great guy.  Imus’ response:  “The minute something happens…that Fat Bastard would be the first one to stab you in the back.”  Rob backs down on his assertion.  When the I-Man’s right, he’s right.

9:16 a.m. – Dagen throws her panties at Bob Beckel.

9:37 a.m. –  Another program goes into the record books.  We all decide to go have lunch down at ‘El Idolo’ with Beckel.  Sadly, 800 bucks will only get you 88 orders of Cheese Enchiladas.  No Mexican Prostitutes included.  Beckel says “Not to worry…I know a place on the lower East Side.”

Charlie Munger, Sarko...ZEE, and Jessica Rabbit

6:08 a.m. – Tony is back.  Which means he didn’t win anything in Vegas, otherwise, he’d be on a yacht somewhere off the Bahamas, tossing copies of ‘God’s Other Son’ into the ocean.

6:19 a.m.  – In light of the French elections, we practice pronouncing the name ‘Sarkozy’.  Turns out it doesn’t rhyme with ‘Posie’, there’s an accent at the end, so it should fall, trippingly over the tongue, like a bad, Pepe Le Pew French accent, as ‘Sarko…ZEE.’   We’d rather just refer to him as ‘The Dude Who’s Banging Carla Bruni’.  At least he used to.  We wonder if, in light of her hubby’s crushing defeat, whether or not that situation will continue.  ‘I’m soreee, babeeee, but I do not sleep with loo…zars.”

6:38:57 a.m. – Bo Dietl is here, in full on, ‘Death to the Abba Dabba Doos’ mode.  All is right with the world.    

7:01 a.m. – Imus:  “That Warren Buffet Summit must be like a prison sentence.’  Dagen says ‘Omaha’s a nice city”, to which Tony responds, “Yeah, the only problem is, it’s surrounded by the rest of Nebraska.” The only thing keeping if from actually being a prison sentence is that you don’t have some big guy making you wash his T-Shirts.

7:11:02 a.m. – Imus:  “How long has Charlie Munger been 88?”  About as long as Imus has claimed that he’s 71.  Charlie’s Social Security number is…12.  The boss, to our infinite delight, does his impression of Charlie.  “We’re not gonna be able to give yew any muuuuuuuuny.   We have pleeeeeenty, but yer not gettin’ annnneeeee.”   It’s laugh out loud funny.  Now we know why Deirdre married him.   Old people are a scream.

Charlie Munger’s Senior High School Photo

7:15:47 a.m. – In the middle of his Sportscast, Imus interrupts Warner.  “Hey, do you know where I can buy a safe?  I heard ‘Acme’ makes some good ones.”  Tony:  “What are you trying to do, kill a RoadRunner?”   The I-Man says he needs a place to keep ‘Guns and Money.”  All he needs is a couple of Lawyers and he’s a walking Warren Zevon song.  We want to know just how many guns and just how much money he’s talking about here.  He could be plotting a Revolution and we want a heads up so we can join the Contras.

Wile E.,  Acme Safe Salesman

7:38:11: a.m. ­– Liz Claman is on via satellite from Omaha, flaunting her access to Warren Buffet.  Why she thinks this is something to be envied, we aren’t sure.  He is certainly partial to her…but he’s an 81 year old billionaire, and she’s a Jessica Rabbit lookalike.  What the hell do you expect?  He’s a dirty old man.  They run footage of him onstage with the University of Nebraska cheerleaders.  Liz observes that he’s ‘Checking out their Pom Poms’.   Which, obviously, is a euphemism.  Liz was part of a special ‘Weekend With Warren’ situation, which, looking at Mr. Buffet, looks like it’s dangerously close to a ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ situation.   It would, at this point, be inadvisable for Mr. Buffet to start any magazine subscriptions, buy green bananas, or have anything for breakfast longer than a ‘3 Minute Egg’. 

8:06 a.m. –   Connell plays a clip of Warren Weinstein, an American being held by Pakistani Al Qaeda members, where Mr. Weinstein reads a list of the terrorist’s demands and then tells the president that his life is in his hands.  If Obama does something, Weinstein lives, if he does not, he dies.  “My life is in your hands, Mr. President.”  Nice knowing you, Warren. 

8:15 a.m. –   Warner, trying to explain that no basketball team has ever come back from 3 games down to win a playoff series.  Imus, referring to the Knicks/Heat series, says ‘Well maybe this is the year.’  Warner:  “It won’t happen in our lifetime.  The clock is ticking, I-Man.”  Yeah, it’s called an egg timer.  Lifetimes are a relative thing.  Fruit Flies have a longer life expectancy, and they only get a 24 hour window of existence.  Still, Warner putting himself in the same generation as Imus is absurd.  Warner taught Hebrew School during the Exodus. 

8:22:12 a.m. ­–    The I-Man has left his glasses at home, so, throughout the morning, he has had to wear his ‘Old Back-Up Specs’ to read the spots.  He could see into the future with these things.  He could burn ants with them if he held them the right way.  Hey Imus!  Why don’t you try to find the ‘Man in the Sun’.

The I-Man With His ‘Old Back-Up Specs’

8:32: a.m. ­–   Ted Nugent goes after a reporter, suggesting he would fellate said reporter and shtup his female producer, if he was wrong about the “Left Wing” media.  Despite the tempting offer, both the “Left Wing”reporter, and “Left Wing” producer decline  to provide a rebuttal to the statement.

8:35 a.m. –  Ed Henry has TWO Rihanna songs on his ‘Five Favorite’ list.   We have a pretty good idea what his ‘Search Engine History’ looks like.  We surmise that If you were to toss his office here at Fox News, you’d find a lot of back issues of The Village Voice Classifieds with ads featuring the words ‘Tranny R&B Singer Lookalike’ highlighted. 

8:55 a.m. –    Imus to Rob:  “You’re not losing any more weight”.   “Yeah, and you’re still having difficulty breathing.  We all have our crosses to bear.” 

9:02 a.m. –    “Shut up, Amy”, Imus tells the traffic reporter Amy Salerno.  Amy gleefully asks the weather reporter, like a lawyer who already knows the answer to a question, just what the humidity is going to be over the next few days.  She giggles like Joseph Abboud looking at a Ralph Lauren ad.

9:17 a.m. – Dagen reveals that Domino’s is about to start offering ‘Gluten Free’ Pizza crusts.  So now all of you who suffer with Coeliac Disease can be just as fat as the rest of us. 

9:27:12 a.m.  – Imus does his Charlie Munger impression for the fourth time this morning, which sounds remarkably like his Hootie Johnson impression, which also sounds like his NASCAR crew chief impression.  He’s a man of a thousand voices, and they all sound like Strother Martin from ‘Cool Hand Luke’.  We don’t care.  It’s a scream.  For once, he beats something into the ground that we enjoy every minute of.   

“What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate”