6:05:10 a.m. – The March Madness Brackets are discussed. Warner talks about the upsets and quotes himself: “Nobody knows nothing.” Imus wants to know who said that first. Warner claims it’s him. He also claims that he said “The only thing we have to fear…is fear itself.”
“IF YOU HAD ME PLAYING HOPSCOTCH…YOU LOST!”
6:11:12 a.m. – Connell reads a news story about the President travelling to Europe when he will meet with Pope Francis. The I-Man wonders if the former Holy Father, Pope Benedict, (Or as Imus will no doubt refer to him from this day forward: “Papa Benny”) will try to ‘horn in’ on the proceedings. We wonder how The Previous Pontiff will do that. Standing at the door with a glass to his ear?
“WHAT DOES HE MEAN, ‘BENEDICT NEVER PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN?’”
6:17:01 a.m. – The Boss relates a story about a contractor at the Ranch in Brenham, informing the I-Man that he is going to build a roping arena with three ‘Big Ass Fans’. Which, are not, as you might think, a trio of typical Imus in the Morning listeners, it’s the brand name for the fans that will be used to cool off the facility.
6:20:40 a.m. – Dagen mentions that Michael Waltrip was interviewing a woman trackside at California Speedway in Fontana, that she says he thought was Donna Summer. Bernard claims that Waltrip was just joking, and knew that the woman was, in fact, NOT Donna Summer. Which would make sense, as she passed away a few years ago. You know these 70’s Disco Divas all look the same.
YOU CAN’T BLAME OL’ MICHAEL WALTRIP, IT’S AN HONEST MISTAKE. LUIS IS PRETTY CONVINCING…HE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY
6:35:01 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on. Bo is the man. He’s on to discuss the President’s trip to Europe and wonders why Obama is travelling so much, and why he’s not at home working in the White House. Well, Bo,most of the stuff at the White House is already taken care of…didn’t you see “The Butler”? He’s the most powerful man in the Free World, Bo…which means he has to travel around the Free World. You know, to make sure it stays free.
WOW, THREE WHITE BUTLERS? THINGS REALLY HAVE ‘CHANGED’!
(“I THOUGHT THEY SAID THE JOB WAS TO SERVE ‘BATMAN’…NOT ‘BLACK MAN’”)
7:12:15 a.m. – We play the video from the race and we see Waltrip talking to the woman who really DOES look like Donna Summer. Tony is relieved, as it’s not a case of…you know… ‘All those 70’s Divas Look Alike’.
“HEY! LAST DANCE! MISS SUMMER! I’M A BIG FA…UM…I’M SORRY ABOUT THAT, MISS GAYNOR. BUT HEY, YOU ‘WILL SURVIVE’”
7:35:34 a.m. – ‘It Might Be Elvis’, the ‘Rate a Record’ segment that’s captured the imaginations of the Nation, goes off without a hitch, despite the fact that NONE of the four songs are any good. Well, that is, except for Tony’s which is “You” by The Jazmin Sisters, a group of four Asian Women who sound…well, black. Tony is playing the averages. “A BILLION Chinese People in China, 12 Million Black People in the United States, all we need is a HALF a percent, and we are going to be REEEE ITCH BEEE YITCH!”
“HEY! SISTER SLEDGE! WE ARE FAM…WHAT? OH. SORRY LADIES. BUT ALL YOU CHI…UM…DISCO DIVAS LOOK ALIKE.”
8:05:10 a.m. – Michael Kay,the British Aviation Expert, (AND NOT THE REAL MICHAEL KAY) is on to discuss where the plane is. With all his experience with fixed wing and rotary wing aircraft, (being a Helicopter Pilot Instructor) he doesn’t know either. Probably because, being British, he’s not used to planes being flown on the right side of the sky.
8:26:14 a.m. – Dagen made a handmade sign as Michael Kay was leaving. It said: “Hot”, referring to Mr. Kay. We hope the dashing Brit brought his Pepper Spray. Dagen heard that the British are known for their ‘Spotted Dick’. We don’t have the heart to tell her that it’s an English Dessert. A Sponge Pudding that you can purchase in a can.
THE SIGN THAT MADE MICHAEL KAY BLUSH
8:40:14 a.m. – Dick Cavett is on to talk about his Off-Broadway play, ‘Hellman Vs. McCarthy’, about the legendary feud between Lillian Hellman and Mary McCarthy, who, apparently, was not a fan. She maintained that “Every word (Hellman) writes was a lie, including ‘and’ and ‘the’.” An assertion to which Ms. Hellman responded with a rather protracted lawsuit. We are happy for Dick. Even happier that he will be talking about somebody other than Tallulah Bankhead.
“MARY, DID YOU HEAR THE STORY ABOUT TALLULAH BANKHEAD ON THE TONIGHT SHOW?”
“NO, DICK, I DID NOT.”
“AND SO YOU SHALL, DEAR GIRL…AND SO YOU SHALL.”
8:45:14 a.m. – We learn that Dick plays himself in the play, something he’s done before in films like ‘Forrest Gump’ and ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street 3’.
‘FREDDIE’ , ZSA ZSA AND DICK. THAT’S WHAT WE CALL A ‘NIGHTMARE’
9:03:17 a.m. - Dr. Bill Evans has a problem pronouncing the word ‘Debilitating.’ You can add that to the list of things he can’t say; a list that includes ‘Meteorologist’ and “I’ll move the car.”
A DEBILITATED DR. BILL. WE DON’T WANT TO SEE THE CAST HE HAS ON HIS JUNK
VIDEO OF THE DAY :
GET YOUR POLYESTER SHIRT, GOLD CHAINS AND PLATFORM SHOES ON
IT’S DISCO TIME!