6:05:00 a.m. – Hallak Cleaners are now, officially, @$$**!es, as they have starched Imus’ shirts SO much that he can’t button the sleeves without a pair of pliers and a visegrip. He can’t move his arms enough to blow his nose, wind his wristwatch or wipe his…face. Stephen Hawking has more physical mobility. In fact, if Deirdre were to sit the Boss out in the sun and leave him there, he’d be powerless to move into shade, leaving him to look like a Yam in a cowboy hat.
PROVIDES MORE THAN YOUR AVERAGE DAILY REQUIREMENT OF VITAMIN B6
6:06:17 a.m. – Imus receives a list of the performers scheduled to appear at the George Jones Memorial service this Thursday, from Patrick Gottsch, of RFDTV fame. However, Patrick says the list is ‘Confidential’…as not all the participants have been confirmed. You know what that means…by the end of this blog, we will have printed EVERY single name. Because the three most dependable methods of communication are ‘Telephone’… ‘Telegraph’…and “Tell A I-Man”.
ALL WE KNOW IS THAT THE GUY IN THE PHOTO ON THE EASEL WON’T BE PERFORMING AT THE MEMORIAL
6:23:42 a.m. – Warner is incensed that people are comparing Jason Collins coming out as homosexual to Jackie Robinson being the first African American Baseball player in the Major Leagues. Of course, Jackie being black was A somewhat more obvious character trait. And…there was never anything called the ‘Homo League’ for Gay Players.
“WATCH OUT BOYS, I’M SLIDING HOME!”
6:38:18 a.m. – Former C.I.A. Operative, Mike Baker, is on to talk about Syria. Which, of course, inspires the I-Man to play Hayes Carll’s “She Left Me For Jesus”. The connection is obvious. A Muslim Civil War in the Middle East, and a Satiric Country Song. Obviously, encoded in the lyrics are the co-ordinates to where Baker is to execute his next… ‘Sanction’. We always knew the I-Man had connections to the ‘Intelligence’ Community… (Merely as a bystander, of course)
SEAN CONNERY IS IMUS…DON IMUS, IN THE FILM ADAPTATION OF ONE OF IAN FLEMING’S LEAST KNOWN BOND NOVELS. IT FEATURES A NEW SUPER VILLAIN, WHO IS A CROSS BETWEEN BLOFELD AND ODD JOB, NAMED…
OH, YOU DO THE MATH
7:05:21 a.m. – In light of the Jason Collins story, Imus asks Dr. Bill if there are any gay weathermen. Really, I-Man? The question should be are there any STRAIGHT weathermen. There is a long tradition of Homosexual Meteorologists: Sam Champion, Al Roker, and, who could EVER forget Herbert Jon ‘Tex’ Antoine Jr. and his longtime companion ‘Mr. Weatherby’.
ALTHOUGH WE WONDER WHY HE’S WEARING A PAINTER’S SMOCK TO DO THE WEATHER REPORT, IN THIS PHOTO, ‘TEX’ ANTOINE SHOWS OFF HIS IMPRESSIVELY SIZED ‘ISOBAR’
7:08:44 a.m. – “You know who has turned into the guy who screams ‘You kids get the hell off my lawn!’? Tom Brokaw.” Imus makes the observation based upon the legendary Newsman’s comments regarding how lame the White House Correspondent’s Dinner has become: “It crossed the line when Lindsay Lohan was allowed in.” We play the clip over and over in the Green Room, impressed with the fact that Mr. Brokaw was able to say the words ‘Line’, ‘Lindsay’, ‘Lohan’ and ‘Allowed’ in the same sentence without choking on his tongue.
TOM BROKAW STARRING IN A NEW SHOWTIME SERIES
7:11:54 a.m. – Imus has been bitching all morning about how much his shoulders and neck hurt. Here’s a guy battling cancer, who gets winded checking the email on his iPhone, and yet, he’s whining like a two year old whose mother won’t give him a lollIpop just because his widdle neckums has a crick in it? Man up, Bitch.
“Wow, Tony. Those are some strong words to use when talking about your boss.’”
“Don’t even TRY to make it seem like I wrote that, Rob.”
“I don’t know where all this anger and resentment comes from, Tony. Imus is the best thing that’s ever happened to your career. He certainly is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“You phony bastard.”
7:22:21 a.m. – A 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair poll has revealed that the celebrity most Americans would least like to sit next to on a plane…is Kim Kardashian. We assume it’s because she would only have purchased one seat. We are also surprised that the I-Man didn’t make the list. Not that he’d fly commercial anyway, but…we think we’d rather be stuck in the cargo hold of the Amistad than have to go cross country listening to Pops whine about how much his &^%$ing shoulder hurts.
“JUST WAIT A MINUTE…WHO IS SITTING AT OUR TABLE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WE HAVE A FIRST CLASS TICKET, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! IF YOU NEED ME I’LL BE IN THE CROW’S NEST”
7:38:17 a.m. – “Martha McCallum is REALLY smart. I didn’t understand HALF of what she was talking about.” Ohhhhkay. And this situation is different than that which exists with EVERY other guest because…?
GENIUS IS 1% INSPIRATION AND 99% PERSPIRATION…WHICH MAKES SENSE, BECAUSE WHEN MARTHA’S ON THE SET WE SWEAT LIKE RACEHORSES
8:15:23 a.m. – It appears that someone has broken a hole in the I-Man’s photo on the Imus in the Morning poster in the hallway to Studio G. We’re not naming names, (Neil Cavuto) but we can’t think of anybody, (Neil Cavuto) who would want to do something so hurtful, (Neil Cavuto) as to deface the portrait of The Number One Rated Program Host on the Fox Business Network. (Not Neil Cavuto)
ROB RECEIVES AN EMAIL FROM HIS FOX TV BOSS, KEVIN MAGEE
FORTUNATELY, SOMEONE HAS ALREADY MADE A TEMPORARY REPAIR
VIDEO OF THE DAY
George Glenn Jones
September 12th, 1931 – April 26th 2013
Here is a rare clip of a duet with ‘Ol’ Possum’ and ‘The Father of Soul’
(We believe that Ray Charles won’t be performing at the Memorial Service Either)