6:05:00 A.M. – The I-Man is illin’. We know, it’s such an unusual state for him to be in. He’s got an eyelid infection from all the dust that kicks up in the Rodeo Arena. With no cadre of Medical Professionals in his entourage, he needs to find an Ophthalmologist. He Googles and finds Dr. Cheryl Horton. She’s a fan. Which could be a good thing, or a bad thing...depending on whether or not she takes a lot of selfies.
“ALL I KNOW IS...THERE BETTER BE A VICODIN SCRIP AT THE OTHER END OF THIS...”
6:16:56 A.M. – After a cut in which Dennis Hof, owner of 17 Brothels in Nevada, including the Moonlight Bunny Ranch, made famous in the HBO series ‘Cathouse’, as well as the ‘Love Ranch’, where Lamar Odom was found unconscious, the I-Man wonders “What the caption is on his High School Yearbook.
SENIOR SUPERLATIVES, DEAN MARTIN MEMORIAL HIGH SCHOOL, LAS VEGAS, CLASS OF 1977
6:25:44 A.M. – Assessing the options for Televised Sporting Events this evening, the I-Man engages Gunz, who is, again, subbing for Warner. “There’s a football game on tonight, right?” He asks, looking to be reassured that he will have something to do tonight. Gunz replies: “Probably.” Wow. Really got his finger on the pulse, that Gunz.
GUNZ’S CRIB SHEET
6:40:27 A.M. – Fox News Anchor, Brett Baier phones in to discuss the Russians in Syria, where, he says, there is quite a display of More Advanced Military Hardware. Of course, even with all the technical advances, every once in awhile, missiles aimed for Syria...are gonna wind up in Iran. Not that that’s a problem...
“WHAT CAN WE SAY? YOU KNOW...DER’MO SLUCHAYETSYA!”
7:05:37 A.M. – Imus promos the upcoming ‘Psychos’ segment, where Deirdre and Bernard will be joined by Curtis Sliwa and Alan Colmes, who, according to the I-Man is ‘Doing Something’ with his hair. And...“Whatever he’s doing...it’s not working.” He likens it to painting a car without fixing the dents. Which, one could argue, is exactly the same thing as the Boss using that bandana on his head.
IF YOU WERE GOING TO INTENTIONALLY DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR HAIR...WE WOULD DOUBT THIS WOULD BE WHAT YOU WOULD CHOOSE
7:10:44 A.M. – Imus comes out with what could, possibly, be the harshest assessment of Gunz: “You should’ve run down somebody’s leg.” Not to put too fine a point on it.
GUNZ SENIOR. CIR. 1985. YOUNG GUNZ COULDN’T RUN DOWN THAT LEG. FOR OBVIOUS REASONS
7:15:30 A.M. – Imus calls Connell ‘Stupid’ and then immediately apologizes for doing so. “It’s okay,” Connell assures the Boss. “I don’t have feelings anymore.”
CONNELL’S EMOTICON CHART
7:38:06 A.M. – PSYCHOS! Or, as we like to call it, WHERE DID CURTIS GO BEFORE HE BECAME A PANELIST? Alan is accused of, not only doing something with his hair, but of receiving Botox. We’d hate to think that was true. Because if that’s the kind of results he’s getting....
BEFORE BOTOX AFTER BOTOX
(YOU’RE RIGHT, I-MAN. ALAN’S DEFINITELY DONE SOMETHING WITH HIS HAIR)
7:39:16 A.M. – Mr. Colmes bemoans the state of radio, taking issue with the broadcasting conglomerates and their centralized decisions...resulting in a lack of diversity on the air. What’s he talking about? On the radio, EVERYBODY looks alike.
AS SEEN ON TV
7:40:19 A.M. – Curtis takes on Degenerate Mets Fans. “Put Utley in!” he screams, referring to Dodgers’ Second Baseman, Chase Utley, who was suspended for two games for his illegal slide that broke Mets’ Shortstop Ruben Tejada’s leg. He hates Mets Fans and he hates the Mets.
THE NEW GUARDIAN ANGEL UNIFORM
7:42:27 A.M. – Bernard hammers Lamar Odom for being a Prima Donna, having no sympathy for the NBA Star’s current condition because he was in a Brothel doing cocaine and cognac in addition to taking 10 Sexual Performance Supplements. He also is not happy with the Beatification of Steve Jobs, as the Apple Computer Giant once berated a guy in a wheelchair.
STEVE JOBS MAKING UP FOR BAD KARMA BY PUSHING LAMAR ODOM TO THE WHORE HOUSE
7:44:29 A.M. – But of course, it’s Deirdre who crystallizes the Zeitgeist of America, with her assessment of the Democratic Debate the other night. To the disagreement about whether it was Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders who won, she observes that no matter who ‘Won’, “America Lost.”
YES, HILLARY, YOU ARE.
8:07:34 A.M. – Bemoaning the digital culture that renders people Zombies tied to their cell phones, oblivious to the world around them, the I-Man mentions that he caught one of the Ranch Hands at Brenham washing a horse... WHILE TALKING ON THE PHONE!
“HEY...IMUS! GET OUT HERE...THIS GUY WHO’S WASHING ME IS AN IDIOT.”
8:15:11 A.M. – Imus touts ‘Echelon Front’ the Corporate Efficiency Training Company run by Former NAVY SEALS Leif Babin and Jocko Willink. He then introduces Gunz to do the sports. “Here’s Gunz...who won’t be a NAVY SEAL.” He’s not even an Easter Seal. He’s barely one of those Circus Seals that play the horns.
JOCKO WILLNIK. THE ANTI-GUNZ
8:39:43 A.M. – Amie Parnes, the Senior White House Correspondent for ‘The Hill’, is the guest, and she thinks Hillary did a good job as Secretary of State. “She’s well versed in everything we’re dealing with.” She once thought Joe Biden was going to declare his candidacy but now, after this week’s debate, she doesn’t think he will be running. Imus wants to know what Amie thinks of Hillary’s honesty. We, on the other hand, want to know what Hillary thinks of Amie’s honesty. Although we doubt she would be honest about it.
LIAR, LIAR, PANSTUIT ON FIRE. BUT THEN AGAIN,
‘WHAT DIFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?’
VIDEO OF THE DAY
CELEBRITY PIMP, AND FULL TIME LOWLIFE,
(WHERE WE LEARN WHAT WE ALWAYS SUSPECTED...HE’S GOT ‘MOMMY ISSUES’)