6:12:10 A.M. – Connell reports that Ohio Governor John Kasich has thrown his hat in the ring for the 2016 Presidential Race. The I-Man dismisses this idiotic, pointless action, observing that “Gunz will be president before Kasich.” Gunz couldn’t be President of ‘Masturbators Anonymous’. They tried to swear him in, but he didn’t want to raise his hand.
‘PRESIDENT’ GUNZ. WORD TO THE WISE: DON’T SHAKE HIS HAND.
6:20:44 A.M. – The I-Man mistakes ‘Fat Elvis’, who is in studio with us this morning, for Senator Lindsey Graham…who was with us yesterday, and performed his essay to much laughter…but wishes he knew Imus didn’t remember, because then he could bring back the same essay this morning. It has begun.
A CROSS SECTION OF THE ‘I-CRANIUM’
6:36:27 A.M. – We learn that our first guest, CBS Correspondent, Anthony Mason, has Bobby Womack’s ‘Across 110th Street’. Who knew Mason was a fan of 70’s Blaxploitation Soundtracks. We should have known when we saw ‘Theme From Cleopatra Jones’ from Joe Simon and ‘Overture of Foxy Brown’ were also on the list.
APPARENTLY, BEFORE HE WORKED FOR CBS, MR. MASON WAS QUITE THE MOVIE STAR
6:38:32 A.M. – Mason informs us that he’s been off for the past few days, but weighs in on topics like whether or not Donald Trump can go the distance. He’s impressed with the way The Donald dominates the airwaves, and thinks Trump has definitely “Stirred up the pot”. He believes that all the work the Republican Party has put in trying to build a bridge to the Hispanic Community is for naught, because Trump has ‘Set that bridge on fire.’
TRUMP’S RIFT WITH THE HISPANIC VOTE
7:05:37 A.M. – In light of the Gawker/Conde’ Nast controversy, the we learn a very valuable lesson: Don’t hire Gay Porn Actors from the Escort Service without checking their references.
7:22:44 A.M. – Warner plays a clip of the 2015 British Open Champion Zach Johnson, fraught wit emotion. He may not have ‘Blubber Titties’, but he’s sure good at Blubber…ing.
OH, SUCK IT UP, YA PUS*Y!
7:37:26 A.M. – PSYCHOS features two NEW Psychos this week, in addition to Moderately Psychotic Bernie and Uber Psycho Deirdre. Fat Elvis, who is upset by his Ashley Madison profile being hacked, and Tony ‘Tupac’, Rasheed, By Any Means Necessary, Free Huey, X…The Third, who is exorcised about the mentally ill homeless on the streets, which results in quite an exhibition of mental illness in the studio. He and Bernie go Toe to Toe in a Point/Counterpoint, Smack Down, Steel Cage, Ladder Match. Deirdre, of course, gets into the fray, calling Mr. X the 3rd ‘Disgraceful’ for defending the Iranians, when she takes issue with the Nuke deal between them and the US. For once, we are glad we are glad we are 1700 miles away, and wish we had entered into a Nuclear Deal with Deirdre…because this place is about to get ‘Blowed Up Real Good.’
WHEN THE WARNING LIGHTS ARE LIT…GET YOUR ASS TO A SHELTER
8:07:34 A.M. – Today is Zach Cates, the Imus’ ‘adopted’ son, and the Boss gets impatient with Deirdre’s account of how he became part of the family. We’re not so sure he wants to mess with her. Not today. No sir.
SILHOUETTES ON THE WALL
8:45:09 A.M. – Geraldo. What more can you say? Except he has his trademark incisiveness when it comes to the Trump situation, which, he says is a ‘Near Death Experience.’ We assume he means for Donald, and not us…but just when you think you’re going to escape Mr. Rivera ‘Going There’, he says he can see “Amy Schumer licking Trump’s Big Ole BlubberTitties.” Ew.
AMY SCHUMER. THE FORCE IS STRONG IN HER.
8:47:59 A.M. – The Boss mentions that he calls Deirdre ‘El Chapo’. Geraldo says “It’s a good thing she doesn’t call YOU that. It means ‘shorty’.” Oh, Snap!
“WHEN I SAID ‘SHORTY’, DON, I WASN’T REFERRING TO YOUR HEIGHT. I WAS REFERRING TO…WELL, LOOK AT THE PONY…YOU’LL GET THE IDEA.”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
FOR ZACH’S BIRTHDAY: