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Deirdre's Corner

Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Psychos segments on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7:35am and Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Dangers of Formaldehyde Lurk in Everyday Products

by Deirdre Imus - The chemical and known human carcinogen formaldehyde pops up in many unexpected places, like pressed wood products such as cabinets and flooring, hair straightening or curling treatments, fertilizers, cigarette smoke, and some plastic and paper products. It is also used to kill germs, or as a preservative, which is its main function in the funeral industry. And, it is putting at risk the lives of those who deal with the dead.  Read more...

Playing Offense Against GMO's: Your Right To Know

by Deirdre Imus - Back in April the popular Mexican restaurant chain Chipotle announced it would use only ingredients free of genetically modified organisms, or GMOs.  Last year, Whole Foods Market committed to “full transparency” on products containing GMOs, demanding that by 2018 all products sold in its U.S. and Canadian stores be labeled to indicate if they contain genetically engineered materials. These are noble proclamations with potentially huge implications and should not be taken lightly.  Read more...

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

Deirdre's Book Pick Of The Week

 

Unlocked: A Family Emerging from the Shadows of Autism

A Poignant and Inspiring Story of a Family Whose Child Emerges from Autism.  Unlocked begins with a vivid depiction of the author’s life with her autistic son, Ben. Feelings of isolation, self-hate, and even moments of hatred toward her own child in response to his behaviors, as well as the impact on her marriage and younger daughter, impel her to seek solutions for his condition. Through years of trial and error, Susan eventually discovers methods that bring about radical improvement in Ben.  Read more....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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    Friday
    Jul182014

    The I-Man Remembers All This Stuff

    6:05:10 a.m.  Ed Henry, White House Correspondent for Fox News has graciously phoned in to bring us up to speed with the Malaysian Air Crash caused by a Ukrainian Separatists’ Missile, and Israel launching a ground invasion in Gaza.    To quote Barry McGuire , “The eastern world it is explodin’ Violence flarin', bullets loadin'”   We DO believe we’re on the Eve of Destruction.  So have a cigarette, a couple shots of Tequila, call your Coke Dealer and get yourself some Hookers.  If you’re gonna go out, go out 80’s I-Man style.  While you’re at it, order a bunch of s#!+ from Amazon and rent 1000 pay per views.  It’s not like you’ll be around to pay for ‘em anyway.

      “THE PRECEEDING EXISTENCE HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO BY THE BABY JESUS”

    6:07:14 a.m. – Imus gives a Shout Out to Harry Tucker, his former engineer at WNBC, who is retiring today after 44 years of service.  (It was actually only 24, but 10 of those were ‘Imus Years’ which count as double.)  Harry’s duties as board op was to engineer the program, play the music, make sure the spots ran, and make sure that when the I-Man was unconscious, he was face down so he wouldn’t choke on his own vomit.  Not too many people know this, but Harry used to play old clips of Imus…to substitute for the unable to stand, sit or speak Imus…and NOBODY was any the wiser.  Thanks to Harry for giving us the blueprint for how to do the program when the Boss has ‘retired’.

    HARRY TUCKER, ON HIS FIRST DAY WITH IMUS

     

    HARRY TUCKER, AFTER HIS SECOND DAY WITH IMUS, TAKING A WALK ON THE GROUNDS OF THE SANITARIUM

    6:08:06 a.m. – The Boss relates the story about Harry ‘Dragging’ him to his son’s Bar Mitzvah, which Harry saw fit to hold on the opening day of the NFL Season, and so Imus sat through the ceremony with a portable TV.   And as the congregation heard something akin to this:  “Baruch aah eloheinu melech…THROW THE BALL!  THROW THE f%$#IN’ BALL YOU A@#HOLE!”  Imus says he was sweating in the Temple because of the lack of air conditioning…we believe it had more to do with the fact that like Satan, Imus would be sweating in ANY house of worship.

    “TODAY, I AM A MAN…AND THE GIANTS ARE LEADING THE PACKERS, 17 TO 10”

    6:40:08 a.m. – Laura Ingraham is on, and the I-Man asks her if she’s related to Dan Ingram.  Aside from the fact that their last names are spelled differently, the question reeks of those when a white guy meets a black person and finds out he lives in the same town as a black friend of his, and wonders if they know each other.

     

    LAURA & DAN. OH YEAH, YOU CAN DEFINITELY SEE THE FAMILY RESEMBLANCE

    6:48:21 a.m. –  We were hoping that Laura wouldn’t finish her interview without treating us to one of her ‘Impressions’, and, lucky us, she leaves us with her ‘Janet Napolitano’.  How do we know it was Janet Napolitano?  She told us.

    INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, JANET DOES A KILLER LAURA INGRAHAM IMPRESSION, WHICH INVOLVES HER FLOODING HER EX-BOYFRIEND’S APARTMENT, AND THEN DOING A SCATHING ‘HILLARY CLINTON’ IMPRESSION

    7:05:28 a.m. – K.T. McFarland makes an appearance, as it’s times like these that she literally LIVES for.  She gives some incisive perspective not only on the Malaysian Jet that was shot down, but on the Israeli – Palestinian situation, which in her expert opinion is… ‘Bad’.  We’re not all that well-versed in such technical terminology, but we trust she knows what she’s talking about.

    “THIS IS MY RIFLE, THIS IS MY GUN…THIS IS FOR FIGHTING, AND THIS IS FOR STICKING IN YOUR FACE WHEN I DON’T LIKE THE WAY YOU’RE LOOKING AT ME.”

    7:19:42 a.m  –  Dagen’s Business report involves a story in which Fed Ex has been indicted on drug-trafficking charges that allege the shipping conspired to deliver drugs for illegal Internet Pharmacies.  Well, they DO get your drugs to you overnight.  Cialis may give you 72 hours, but your old lady might not.  You don’t want to be waiting on U.P.S. Ground.

    NO, HE DOESN’T LOOK LIKE HE’S OPENED ANY OF YOUR OXYCODONE

    7:38:24 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS !   A question tailor-made for Nat, ‘Will the Mets Win 90 Games?’  According to Stage Manager Candido, “The All-Star Break is traditionally considered the ‘Half-Way’ point in the Major League Baseball Season, and how many games have the Mets won up until now?  45.  What’s half of 90?  45.”  We didn’t know that there was going to be Math Questions on this test.  All we know is, at the beginning of the Season, the Mets’ ‘Magic Number was 162.

    IF THE TEAM DOES, IN FACT, WIN 90 GAMES, ‘MRS. MET’  MIGHT ACTUALLY GIVE ‘MR. MET’ SOME ‘RAWHIDE’ AND HE WON’T HAVE TO ‘KNUCKLEBALL’ HIMSELF…OR, FOR THAT MATTER, CRUISE THE CONCESSION LEVEL FOR SOME ‘FURRIES’

     

    “SO UH…DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?”

    7:42:16a.m. – Alexis  Bloomer, the lovely daughter of Randy Bloomer, (Of Bloomer Trailers)  is visiting the control room, and the I-Man thinks she might be a good match for Gunz.  It’s a millisecond before he and the entire panel, (Except of course, for Gunz) realize that, not only  does he not have a shot at Alexis Bloomer…he’s got NO shot at anything WEARING Bloomers.

    THE VERY LOVELY AND TALENTED MISS ALEXIS BLOOMER

    “DUDE-EROTOMY”  19:17

    8:06:32 a.m. – Imus gets a song sent to him by Sam Moore’s wife, Joyce.  It’s Nu Blu and Sam, with a new version of Lance Miller’s ‘George Jones and Jesus’. He plays it off his iPhone into the microphone, then has Lou play the original version, which leads us to believe that the late, great George is the lucky one, as he didn’t have to hear either of them, due to the fact that…well, Ol’ Possum ‘Stopped Loving ANYTHING  Since April 2013’ JESUS would never allow George to sit through it.  I-Man says that the problem with songs like this, is that he “Remembers all this stuff:  Of course, he means the original song, although, at first, we think he means he remembers Jesus.  “I was down there at the Railroad Depot when the boy got kilt!  I said ‘Don’t you go downtown messin’ with them Jews ‘less you got some MONEY in your pocket!”

    THANKS, JOYCE.  WE CAME ‘THIS CLOSE’ TO MEETING BOTH GEORGE JONES AND  JESUS…AT OUR OWN HAND…JUST TO MAKE THE PAIN STOP.     

    8:28:14 a.m. – Imus relates that this ‘Nu Blu’ group is a ‘Bluegrass’ group, and ‘Bluegrass’ is the kind of music listened to, and played by, the inbred…you know, when ‘Relations have relations’… ‘The Game the Whole Family Can Play’.  Lou eventually downloads the song, and, we have to say, now that we are hearing it in true high fidelity, and not through an iPhone speaker…it still sucks.  Probably because it’s not a ‘cover’, it’s an entirely different song using the conceit originally created by Lance Miller…called ‘Jones & Jesus’.  He’s upset that the inbred Goobers got poor ol’ Sam Moore involved in all of this.  Then Dagen relates that George Jones HIMSELF wrote a song called ‘Me and Jesus’…which just proves our theory that there’s only three original country songs in existence…the rest are all ripoffs.

    JIM CARREY STARRING IN ‘THE GEORGE JONES STORY’

    (DESPITE THE RUMORS, JIM DOES NOT HAVE  POSSUM SING OUT OF HIS BUTT)

    8:34:23 a.m. –  Bernie plays a clip of MSNBC’s Krystal Ball interviewing an ‘Eyewitness’ to the bombing of the Malaysian Plane…who maintains that it was knocked out of the sky by ‘Wind from Howard Stern’s Ass.’   She then goes on to elaborate on the likelihood of the missile being fired from the ground…prompting the ‘Expert’ to say, “Boy, you really are a dumbass.”  Of course, now she knows who fired the missile:  Bababooey.  But our takeaway from this tragedy is, if your last name is ‘Ball’, you shouldn’t be naming your kids ‘Krystal’, or, for that matter, ‘Harry’. 

    KRYSTAL BALL SHOWS US HOW RUDOLPH GOT THE RED NOSE

    8:41:14 a.m. – Lt. Colonel Bill Cowan is on, and the I-Man begins the interview with a laser sharp question:  “So uh…what’s going on in Israel?”  Well, it’s 8:42 a.m. here, so, we guess, they’re going to the Lowenfeld Bar Mitzvah after lunch.   LTC Cowan is the kind of guy who SHOULD be air dropped over there, because within about 8 minutes, there would be Peace in the Middle East, as both the Israelis and the Palestinians would be too awestruck to shoot at each other, let alone run the risk of catching him in the crossfire.  Because it would only make him…angry.

    THE LIEUTENANT COLONEL…AND HIS PENIS

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    AS A TRIBUTE TO OUR OLD PAL, HARRY TUCKER,

    (WHO YOU CAN SEE IN THIS CLIP, DUTIFULLY OPERATING THE BOARD)

    WE HUMBLY OFFER:

    A RARE LOOK AT THE MAGIC OF THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM, RECORDED IN 1984 AND AIRED IN 1985 ON ONE OF THE THREE DAYS THE I-MAN WAS ACTUALLY AT WORK  

    (WITH BONUS FOOTAGE OF AN 11 YEAR OLD MIKE LUPICA, WOLFMAN JACK, AND THE I-MAN ON VH1!!!)

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kitmY2PWQFU

    Thursday
    Jul172014

    John Hiatt is Here!

    6:05:10 a.m. –  John Hiatt is here this morning…and we’re not sure how it’s going to go back here in the Green Room.  We were not huge fans of ‘Old People’.  The song…and, by the way, actual ‘Old People’. 

    YES, SHE’S ‘PUSHY’…AND YES, SHE’S ‘MOOSHY’…WE JUST HOPE SHE’S NOT ‘BUSHY’

    6:17:14 a.m. –  Dagen has GOOD news on the Financial Front for a change!  Proctor and Gamble are going back into the Adult Diaper Business!  Which means the I-Man will have more choices.

    TAKING LEMONS…AND MAKING LEMONADE…SO TO SPEAK.

    6:20:36 a.m. – Warner does a story about how The Washington Wizards have hired Kevin Durant’s High School Basketball Team’s Assistant Coach to be in charge of their Player Development Program, with an eye towards having him in place for recruitment of Kevin during his impending free-agency in 2016.  This is a difficult time for Warner.  There is NOTHING going on in Sports.  It doesn’t make the reports any shorter, however, because he is now doing stories that won’t actually happen for another two years.

    KEVIN DURANT TODAY (L) AND AS HE WILL BE WHEN WARNER’S STORY IS RELEVANT (R)

    6:40:08 a.m. –  John Hiatt sings ‘Face of God’, which features the lyric:  “Tell me how much more suffering before you see the Face of God.”   We’re not sure, but we think we’re about to find out.

    DON’T WORRY…THE SONG IS ALMOST OVER AND YOU WILL SEE JESUS

    6:41:21 a.m. –  Bret Baier provides some insight on the  “Israeli / Gaza Deal”, as the I-Man so adroitly puts it.  It’s comforting to hear the ongoing  Israeli–Palestinian conflict wherein militant actions escalated in the Gaza Strip following the overwhelming election to government of the Islamic political party Hamas, split of the Palestinian Authority to Fatah government in the West Bank as… a ‘deal’.  What’s next?  “Boy those 60,000 kids at the border…is an icky situation.”

    ‘AL-HABIBI’ AND ‘SHMULEY’ THE OFFICAL MASCOTS OF THE ISRAELI/PALESTINIAN CONFLICT

    7:05:28 a.m. – The I-Man begins the top of the hour, sharing the story of his Odyssey of sobriety, as today is his 27th Anniversary of not having a drink..  He relates that he stopped doing cocaine…as the payback was too much, not the least of which, was finally crashing and then waking up to discover his Astor Place Penthouse had turned into an ‘Orphanage for Hookers’.  This led to an increase in his drinking…which ended on July 17th, 1987.   All kidding aside, we salute the Boss and congratulate him on reaching his milestone.  852,037,001.  That’s B…B…B… BILLION.   

    THIS ONE’S FOR YOU, BOSS   

    7:21:42 a.m  –  John Hiatt performs ‘Marlene’, which features the lyrics:  Well I can mumble and I can squat, you got me talkin’ that baby talk, I try to run but I can’t even walk…Marlene, Marlene.    Mumbling? Squatting?  Can’t Walk?  If he’d just replaced one of the ‘Marlene’s with ‘Can’t Breathe’ this could be the I-Man’s theme song. 

    MUMBLIN’, SQUATTIN’, AND BARELY  WALKIN’, JOHN HIATT

    7:37:24 a.m. – MENSA MEETING- without the only one who could probably qualify for enrollment, Alan Colmes, who is out this morning, ‘Getting his blood changed’, according to Imus.  He has to do that every couple of months, unless he’s able to order some Transylvanian Soil for his coffin.

    ALAN TAKING A LONG-DESERVED NAP 

    (APPARENTLY, HE’S SLEEPING OFF THE BLOODY MARYS)

    7:40:08 a.m. –  First topic up is a study that suggests women get much more defensive and protective of their man when another woman is in the room wearing a red dress.  Deirdre says, it’s not just red.  A blue dress caused some trouble for…a certain former president.  Bernie says he loves him a cougar in a form fitting red pantsuit.  Dagen maintains that’s only because he loves the concomitant ‘camel toe’.  Camel Toe.  Yes, she did, indeed, utter the words ‘Camel Toe’.  Come back soon, Alan.  Please?

    “GUESS WHAT I GOT?   GUESSSSS WHAT I GOT? MIKE!  MIKEMIKEMIKEMIKEMIKE!  GUESS WHAT I GOT?  LOOK AT MY FEET!  LOOOOK AT MY FEET!   GUESS WHAT I GOT?”

    7:44:59 a.m. – Gunz uses a term that is Bo-Worthy:  “Re-Habituated”.  Which, we THINK, is a compound word, combining Rehabilitation, Recapitulation, and Rehabitation, which is the Reintroduction of a Gerbil to a Habit Trail.  Something that Gunz has much experience with.  The Gerbil, that is.

    ‘NOT NOW, GUNZ, I HAVE A HEADACHE’

    8:06:32 a.m. – The I-Man is irritated that we are on WABC, one of the iconic radio stations in broadcast history, and yet we have a pre-recorded weather report.  This is not Ashfork, Arizona, this is New York, New York.  But, while we’re on the subject, and if you should be travelling to Ashfork, today it will be partly cloudy, with winds coming out of the southwest at 8 miles an hour, with a high of 77 degrees, and a low of 44 with a 0% chance of precipitation.

    DeSOTO’S BEAUTY SALON, ON ROUTE 66 IN ASHFORK, ARIZONA, WHERE, IT APPEARS, THERE AREN’T THE BEST DRIVERS IN THE WORLD.  EITHER THAT, OR THEY REALLY SHOULD START TIPPING THEIR VALET PARKING ATTENDANTS

    8:08:16 a.m. – Warner Wolf provides an update on the British Open, which is being held at Royal Liverpool Golf Club, where the Beatles used to play between records. 

    GEORGE USUALLY CADDIED,

    DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE WAS KNOWN AS ‘THE UNDER PAR ONE’

    8:38:14 a.m. – John Hiatt does a couple more songs.  And, to quote a famous historical figure… “This stuff isn’t bad…if you’re shooting heroin while you’re listening to it.”  We get out a rubber hose and tie off.   Unfortunately…it doesn’t help.  Ironic, that this morning, on the 27th Anniversary of the I-Man’s Sobriety,

    THE COVER TO JOHN’S NEXT ALBU

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE ISRAELI / PALESTINIAN CONFLICT COULD BE SETTLED AS SIMPLY AS THIS:

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIZtFRV59mI

     

    Wednesday
    Jul162014

    Happy Birthday Dr. Bill!

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man tells a story about, Doug Crispin, the Official Imus Ranch Horse Shoer, giving his 9 Year Old Daughter a pump-action shotgun and a taxidermy Catfish head for Valentine’s Day.  That’s the story.  And Kinky didn’t even tell it. 

    NOTHING SAYS ‘”I LOVE YOU” MORE THAN A DEAD FISH AND A GUN

    6:07:14 a.m. – There’s a news story about the best airlines in the world, and NONE of them on the list are North American.   Connell asks, “Aer Lingus?”  and Lori feigns shock and surprise.  “That’s not what I heard” she says.   Oh.  We get it.  And so, apparently, does she. 

    LORI SHOULD LIKE THIS AIRLINE.  IT’S RUN BY LEPRECHAUNS

    6:20:06 a.m. –  The I-Man notices that Warner is wearing the same shirt as he did yesterday, (something which, only the I-Man would notice) and Warner informs him that he has a number of the same style shirt, (something to which, only the I-Man could relate) and when Imus asks Warner who makes them, Warner says he doesn’t know, his wife picks out his clothes.  It’s not all that hard, Warner…you match the ‘Elephant’ Pants with the ‘Elephant’ Top.  Sometimes, if you’re feeling bold, you can mix it up and wear the ‘Giraffe’ instead.

    YOU TOO, CAN LOOK AS FASHIONABLE AS WARNER

    6:40:08 a.m. –  Mike Baker is on to address the Israeli Crisis.  Just to be clear, this isn’t a ‘Best of Imus’ clip of Mr. Baker from any point over the past five years…as the situation hasn’t changed a bit.  His professional assessment of the state of the Middle East is incisive: “It’s F%$#ed up.”  

    EVERYTHING’S JUST ‘HUNKY DORY’ IN THE MIDDLE EAST

    6:41:21 a.m. –  ‘Former’ C.I.A. Operative Baker makes a reference to ‘We’ when talking about the Central Intelligence Agency.  We?  As in ‘US’?  As in ‘The Royal We’?   What’s this ‘We’ &#!+, Kemosabe?   WE thought you were RETIRED.  Mike says he’s been on the road shooting stories for his Travel Channel Series:  “World Access”.  So that’s what the C.I.A. calls Terrorists:  ‘Stories’.       

     A COUPLE OF ‘STORIES’ MIKE’S WORKING ON

    NOW THAT HIS COVER’S BEEN BLOWN, MIKE BAKER, AGENT 42- 25- 38,

    MUST USE A CLEVER DISGUISE

    7:05:28 a.m. – Imus is reading Thomas Hauser’s Muhammed Ali, His Life and Times., and he remarks that he gets so involved in a book, he loses track of time.  He missed the All-Star Game, and when he finally looked up at the clock, it was Midnight.  When he reads, he doesn’t like to get up to go to the bathroom…which is really one of those ‘Distinctions Without a Difference.’

    WHEN HE WAS OUR AGE, BOOKS WERE CALLED ‘STONE TABLETS’

    7:15:30 a.m  –  Bigfoot puts up a photo of a new billboard on 8th Avenue, featuring a graphic of a Mets Fan, who looks remarkably like our very own Mets Fanatic, Nat Candido.

     

    WE THINK NAT’S GOT A LAWSUIT.  FRED AND JEFF WILPON BETTER PAY UP.

    7:22:34 a.m. –  Dagen reads a story about the Record Setting Starbucks Order, a 60 Shot Frappuccino that cost 60 dollars and 58 cents.  The woman who ordered it earlier this week, didn’t actually pay for it, she cashed in her ‘Rewards’ card.  As of this writing, she is still wide awake. 

    AND SHE HAS PEED 987 TIMES SINCE YESTERDAY

    (ONE THING’S FOR SURE…SHE DIDN’T NEED THAT BRAN MUFFIN, EITHER)

    7:23:46 a.m. – The I-Man relates that, he too, cashed in his Starbucks Rewards Card the other day.  He traveled to Santa Fe to do so.  A place that Dagen has accurately described as “Home to a bunch of old, divorced women, trying to be Georgia O’Keefe, making vagina shaped vases.”   Not to put too fine a point on it.

    AND IT’S ACTUALLY ANATOMICALLY CORRECT TOO.

    (BUT YOU HAVE TO CHANGE THE WATER ONCE A MONTH)

    7:41:32 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE  One of the topics…(Thanks Tony) is about the new study that reveals smelling your own…er…flatus…flatulence…oh, okay, FARTS, is actually healthy.  The I-Man asks Deirdre if she farts.  You’d think after 20 years of marriage, he’d know by now.  What is he kidding?  With all that roughage she eats?  She’s lucky she doesn’t blow out the seat of her jeans.  According to Deirdre, hers don’t make noise.  Well. There’s a difference between not making noise and Imus’ ability to actually hear them.   Ok.  He may be deaf…but we assume he still has a sense of smell.

    A LADY UTILIZES HER ‘JET POWER’ TO SWIM FASTER THAN THE DOLPHINS

      DEIRDRE WITH THE ‘ONE CHEEK SNEAK’

    WE WILL NEVER EVER PULL LIS’S FINGER AGAIN. 

    8:04:08a.m. – It’s Dr. Bill’s birthday.  How do we know?  He’s been tweeting about it all morning.  We’re not sure what his story is, but we assume in the ‘Mid to High Fifties.’  He’s certainly ‘Partly Cloudy’, that’s for sure.

    ONE OF THESE TEMPERATURES IS ALSO DR. BILL’S AGE

    8:29:16 a.m. – Bernie Briefing.  A couple was arrested for having sex on the roof of a Chipotle Restaurant in Delaware.  A group gathered around to watch the two of them ‘Bury the Burrito’.  Which is nothing out of the ordinary…there’s always a line at ‘Chipotle’

    “I THINK I MAY PASS ON THE GUACAMOLE TODAY”

    8:38:14 a.m. – Bernard Goldberg.  He begins his interview by saying he hasn’t been right since Kinky told his ‘Birdseed’ ‘Joke’ on Monday.  So the I-Man tells it.  Again.  It’s not the kind of story that improves upon re-telling. 

    “BLIMEY!  IS THAT FAT DRUNK CRYING?”

    8:442:14 a.m. –  Bernie relates a story about a feud with Jon Stewart, that ended in Jon’s hiring a Black Church Choir to sing  ‘Bernie Goldberg, go F***  Yourself!’  for 12 minutes.   Which is not all that remarkable.  What’s remarkable is that Bernie listened to it long enough to know they were singing F*** You for 12 minutes.

    INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, BERNIE GOLDBERG WAS ABLE TO HIRE THE VERY SAME CHOIR TO SING ‘EAT $#!+, JON STEWART’

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    VISUAL PROOF THAT EVERYBODY DOES IT…AND THEY’RE NOT SILENT

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GO3lgO55kuY

    Tuesday
    Jul152014

    The Monkey Movie

    6:05:10 a.m. –  “You bastards are lucky.  Kinky stayed for another two hours.”  The I-Man was not all that happy with his ‘guest’.  We don’t understand why.  An extra two hours with Kinky is like an extra two months with anybody else. Apparently, the Kinkster told the Boss a GREAT “Nelson Mandela Story”.  Unusual that Kinky would relate a tale about a man who was held against his will for so many years…as that’s sort of the situation Imus found himself in yesterday.

    IMUS AND MANDELA: PRISONERS OF KINKY

    6:21:14 a.m. – Belgian soccer fan Axelle Despiegelare, 17, was spotted in the crowd during Belgium’s loss to Argentina on Saturday, and was instantly nabbed by the beauty care giant Loreal to star in a series of promotional YouTube videos for them, until they found photos of her enjoying her hobby, ‘Big Game Hunting’.  That’s not the funniest part of the story.  The funniest part of the story is…Warner pronounced it as ‘Lorelle’.   Good thing he didn’t try to pronounce her name. 

    IT’S ONE THING TO TEST COSMETICS ON THEM.  IT’S ENTIRELY ANOTHER TO KILL THEM WITH A COMPOUND BOW OR HIGH POWERED RIFLE

    6:25:36 a.m. – The I-Man finally tells the Kinky Friedman/Nelson Mandela Story.  Apparently, while playing a show in South Africa, somebody told The Kinkster that Nelson Mandela was a big fan…and he used to play ‘Ride ‘em Jew Boy’ every night.  The same song…every F&^%ING night.  Over and over and over again.  The same source, however, reveals that Kinky was not Mandela’s favorite artist.  Dolly Parton was.   That’s the story.  It’s kind of like Kinky’s jokes.  A lot of promising set up…and no pay off.  Still, we can kind of understand Nelson’s taste.  He didn’t own a Dolly Parton record, but he DID have a poster hanging on the wall of his cell.

    YOU CAN VIRTUALLY SEE THE THOUGHT BUBBLE OVER THE BABY’S HEAD:

     “HOLY $#!%!  IS THAT ALL FOR ME?”

    6:40:08 a.m. –  K.T. McFarland is on to give her perspective on Hamas.  Which, until she started talking about it, we thought was that chickpea dip you get in Lebanese Restaurants.  We couldn’t understand why Israel would want to bomb over some kind of Middle Eastern Appetizer. 

     

    AS LONG AS THE ISRAEIS AND PALESTINIANS CAN’T AGREE ON A HUMMUS RECIPE, THERE WILL NEVER BE PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST

    7:07:28 a.m. – “Congratulations to Dwight Yoakum for re-signing with Warner Brothers’ Records” Cameron Strang’s name is invoked.  Who the hell is Cameron Strang, you ask?  He’s the guy who was responsible for the Imus Ranch Record.  Well, actually, The I-Man was responsible for the Imus Ranch Record, as he chose the artists and the songs…so, back to our original question:  Who the hell is Cameron Strang?  Anyway, congratulations to Dwight.

     

    CAMERON STRANG BEFORE (L) AND AFTER (R) THE HAIRPLUGS

    7:15:28 a.m. – Warner reports that The Baltimore Ravens are now the ‘Most Arrested Team’ in the NFL.  Defensive Back, Jimmy Smith, was taken into custody this past weekend for being in a ladies room with a vomiting girl, and he refused to leave.  The I-Man says “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been there.”   We believe him.  Although with Smith, he was holding the girl’s hair.  With the Boss, the girl was holding his.

    SORORITY GIRL IN TRAINING

    7:18:36 a.m. –  The I-Man plays a new Dwight Yoakum song, a cover of the Creedence Clearwater Revival’s ‘Who’ll Stop the Rain?’    Our question is, ‘Who’ll stop this record?’ On July 28th, Dwight will be playing in Trädgårn, Sweden.  Sweden?  Are they big country fans?  Or is he just finally going for that sex-change operation?

    “DWANDA”   YOAKUM

    7:41:24 a.m. – HOLLYWOOD & VINE  The I-Man is still not sold on ‘The Monkey Movie’.  Dagen attempts to explain the mythology and history of the famous 20th Century Fox Franchise, to which Riedel chimes in:  “I collected the Mego Planet of the Apes Action Figures from the ‘70s”  What a shock.  Riedel played with dolls when he was a kid.  Dagen wants to know if Riedel put makeup on them.  No.  He only put makeup on his Malibu Barbie, when his G.I. Joe was going to be on furlough.

    ‘G.I. STEPHEN.  WITH ‘KUNG FU GRIP AND REAL PERM HAIR®’ HE ALSO COMES WITH A CUSTOM, ‘FIRE ISLAND DREAM HOUSE’

    8:06:32 a.m. – The I-Man shares a disturbing statistic…ratings for the All Star Game are down FIFTY PERCENT.  More people watch AMC’s ‘The Walking Dead’, than watch the Major League All Star Game.  We have more listeners than the All Star Game has viewers…which means more people are LISTENING to the Walking Dead than are watching the All Star Game.

    THE WALKING DEAD (L)

    8:15:16 a.m. –  Imus relays a story about his son, 16-Year-Old Wyatt Imus, who went to Albuquerque to get his hair cut, and wound up getting ‘Hit On’ by the stylist.  The MARRIED stylist, by the way.  16 years old, and he’s ALREADY getting the attention of Cougars.  Which means the apple must fall VERY FAR from the tree.  The I-Man would NEVER allow himself to object of an older woman’s affection.  What’s saddest is, that the teenage Wy-Man already has better ‘game’ than Gunz.

    COUGAR.  HOLDING A COUGAR.  WYATT TURNED HER DOWN.  HE DOESN’T APPROVE OF THE WAY SHE TREATS ANIMALS

    8:38:14 a.m. – Charles Gasparino is on to tell his side of the story where he was bounced from the Sun Valley Moguls (Corporate Big Wigs and NOT skiers)  Pow Wow, for sticking up for one of his producers, a 5 foot 2 inch 100 pound waif of a lady who was bullied by a 6 foot 3 inch Security Guard/Member of the NYPD Bomb Squad… which, actually, makes us all a little nervous, because this was a situation that the cop could not defuse. Charlie was thrown out of the conference as it was a ‘No-Press’ event, something that he claims he was unaware of.  So he did what any self-respecting, law-abiding citizen would do.  He went back the next day.  One thing you have to say about Chuck:  “He ain’t that bright.”

    “HEY FATSO!  NOBODY STICKS THEIR FINGER IN MY FEMALE PRODUCER’S!    I’LL KICK YOUR FAT ASS!  C’MON, TUBBY, GO FOR IT!”  

    THAT’S WHAT GASPARINO WAS THINKING OF SAYING.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    ESPECIALLY FOR RIEDEL :

    “PLANET OF THE APES: THE MUSICAL”

    PERFORMED BY

    HIS BELOVED MEGO ACTION FIGURES

    FROM SETH GREEN’S

    ‘ROBOT CHICKEN’

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-K0HqCviL-4 

    Monday
    Jul142014

    Kinky and Rambam

    6:05:10 a.m. –   “The Nazis beat the Sons of the Nazis yesterday.”  The I-Man gives us a World Cup de-briefing, by quoting RamBam, who will be a guest later this morning with Kinky Friedman.  They weren’t able to reach the ranch yesterday, as the main gate is 2 miles from the Hacienda, and it was raining so hard the roads were not passable.  At least, that’s their story.  It’s a good one.  We’ll have to remember that in the future.

    “HEY RAMBAM…IT LOOKS A LITTLE CLOUDY…MAYBE WE SHOULD STAY IN LAS VEGAS UNTIL IT BLOWS OVER…LAS VEGAS NEVADA.”

    6:07:14 a.m. – CONNELL IS BACK!  Mr. McShane has returned from his trip to the Emerald Isle.   He mentions that he met a lot of his cousins…69 out of 70 were drunk. (One was in rehab)  Why does he have 70 Cousins?  Three words: Catholic.  Rhythm method.  Have you ever seen Irish Step Dancing?  Not very good at keeping time.

    SOME OF CONNELL’S COUSINS DO A FESTIVE, WELCOME TO THE EMERALD ISLE JIG

    6:08:06 a.m. – LeBron James is going to Cleveland.  As predicted by…just about everybody on Vinnie From Queens, except lone holdout, Tony Powell.  The I-Man and Warner are crowing that their sports prediction came true, and the son of an NBA scout was shut down.  But, as he reminds the two men who lost their  ability to provide Sports Guarantees, ‘Even a broken clock is right…twice a day.’.

    MORE ACCURATE THAN WARNER AND THE I-MAN

    6:15:30 a.m. – The Boss says that he went to the worst Mexican Restaurant in the world,  Barelas coffee shop in Alberquerque.   This, from the man who thinks The Olive Garden is good Italian Food. The menu features a picture of President Obama when he visited.  You can add ‘Doesn’t know good Mexican Food either’ to the increasingly long list of ‘Things That Barack is Clueless About’. 

    GET YOUR ORDER TO GO…AND THEN DROP IT IN THE DUMPSTER OUT FRONT

    6:18:36 a.m. – Dagen has missed Connell very much.  She goes over to him at the desk and sniffs him.  (We are not kidding)  She says “He smells of Sea Air and Sex”.   Ohhhhhhkay.  We’re not sure how Dagen knows what that smells like…unless she’s gotten busy with…Popeye.  Which…wouldn’t surprise us.

    “WELL, BLOW ME DOWN…AGAIN”

    6:40:08 a.m. – Bo Dietl endorses Buddy Cianci for mayor of Providence, Rhode Island .  The I-Man does not approve, as, in his eyes, Cianci is… ‘A thug’.  As if that’s ever hurt a candidate’s chances at re-election. 

    BUDDY CIANCI.  WE ASSUME THE HAIR IS STILL DOING TIME.

    6:41:21 a.m. –  Although he has ‘Sworn on the souls of his grandchildren’  last Friday at the ‘Sit Down’, to let Bo speak, the I-Man mentions that he has to interject because Bo is turning red and he fears a heart attack.  “Well…yes.  My arteries are very close-a-tated”  Unusual for Bo to use such a technical medical term, so we look it up on WebM.D.:

    CLOSE-A-TATED adj.

    1. Blocked Artery residing in former NYC Super Cop
    2. Nightclun that has gone out of business
    • “He had to have a stent put in because his vessels were close-a-tated.”
    • “We don’t go to Scores no more…every since it got close-a-tated by the Department of Health”

    WEBSTER’S OFFICIAL DEFINITION

    6:43:12a.m. –  Fran Wood, the artist wife of Daily News media columnist, David Hinckley, emails the I-Man.  “I know you were trashing Barelas Coffee shop for entertainment purposes, but you can have a negative effect on the man’s business, and ruin his ability to earn a living to support his family.”   The take away from this missive is that Bo observes “Fran Wood looks like she could be the I-Man’s sister.”

    FRAN WOOD & DON IMUS (IMUS ON RIGHT)

    7:05:28 a.m. – The Boss asks Connell, (Who has just returned from Ireland) if “The IRA is still bombing people over there.”  Um…no.  And the British are out of India too.

    “I AM LEARNING THE BUGLE SO AS TO BE MORE LIKE THE I-MAN…EVEN THOUGH HIS GRASP OF HISTORY IS VERY SHAKY…VERY SHAKY INDEED…”

    7:21:42 a.m  –  Warner reports that there was pain killer abuse in the NFL.  In related breaking news, there is steroid abuse in Women’s Professional Body Building.

    “THE WORST PART ABOUT STEROIDS IS NOT THE PUFFINESS AND MOOD SWINGS…IT’S THE EFFECT IT HAS ON MY PENIS”

    7:27:34 a.m. – Carley has gotten to the bottom of the ‘NJ Diet’ situation.  She says that she spoke with the head of the company, who informed her that the key to the system is finding the hormonal imbalance in the individual.  In short, they believe, Hormones are the key to weight loss.  Now Rob finally has an excuse for being fat.  Menopause.

    HORMONES.  OBVIOUSLY HORMONES

    7:41:24 a.m. – MIGHT BE ELVIS  Starts with a Guns n’ Roses song that sounds, according to the I-Man, like ‘Axl Rose is having his period.’   There’s also a Miranda Lambert ditty called ‘Oh S#!+’ that sounds like…well, Minnie Pearl having her period.  Then, to show that he’s hip, the I-Man plays Wiz Kalifa.   As a soundtrack for gettin’ busy, Dagen observes that “It will make you dry for 8 months.”   Then, a re-submission; Jason Derulo and Snoop Dogg ‘Wiggle’.  Which, the I-Man discovers Lou has been playing ever since the first time it was submitted.  Apparently, Imus doesn’t listen to his own program.

    AXL ROSE’S TAMPAX AD

    8:06:32 a.m. – Kinky Friedman is out in the studio at Reader’s Digest, seated at the Right Hand of the I-Man.  He tells a series of ‘Jokes’.  We use the term with quotes, as, they appear to be jokes, they sound like they’re jokes…they’re just missing one thing that makes a joke a joke:  Something funny.  The first joke is about slot machines in Vegas with the punchline, ‘Hey George, how’s the family?’   (Trust us, even if we told the joke to you, you STILL wouldn’t get it.)

    “TWO JEWS WALK INTO A BAR…AND THEY ORDER DRINKS.  THANK YOU.  THANK YOU VERY MUCH.  PLEASE REMEMBER TO TIP YOUR WAITRESSES.”

    8:08:16 a.m. – The second joke is about Winston Churchill and shop girls during the blitz that ends “They’re queued up for birdseed.  And Churchill wept.”   Space precludes us from including this joke, as there would be about 5 pages of text… and it wouldn’t be any funnier.

     

    “BIRDSEED?  WHAT’S BLOODY BIRDSEED GOT TO DO WITH ‘THE BLITZ’?  NOT EXACTLY KINKY’S ‘GREATEST HOUR’.”

    8:38:14 a.m. – International Private Investigator, Steve Rambam is the guest, and we hope he will be able to get a word in edgewise, considering Kinky’s  in the same studio with him.  As long as HE doesn’t start to tell jokes.  He is on to promote his new TV series: “Nowhere to Hide”  He relates a story about tracking down Paul Stanley’s (From Kiss) Psychiatrist, who skipped town with all the money, leaving his physically disabled wife and children to live in a homeless shelter, and became the Band’s manager.  Rambam eventually was able to track him down after he’d been missing for 10 years.  This story is actually FUNNIER than Kinky’s two jokes.

    PAUL STANLEY’S PSYCHIATRIST.  AND IT TOOK 10 YEARS TO FIND THIS GUY?

    8:49:14 a.m. – Kinky ends the program with a Germany joke.  “The Germans are my 2nd favorite people.  Who’s first?  Ev’ry buddy else….hoo hoo hooo!”   The I-Man has left the building.  He was wobbly after the ‘Birdseed’ joke, but this put him down.

    “THANK YA…THANK YA VURRY MUCH!”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

     A MAN WHO KNOWS HOW TO TELL A FUNNY STORY…DESPITE THE FACT THAT IT’S OLDER THAN THE CRUST UNDER LARRY KING’S TESTICLES

    FLIP WILSON ON THE CARSON SHOW 1965

    (HE KILLS.  WE WONDER WHY HE WASN’T INVITED OVER TO THE COUCH)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_6vhgSAhuI