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Deirdre's Corner

Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Psychos segments on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7:35am and Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Dangers of Formaldehyde Lurk in Everyday Products

by Deirdre Imus - The chemical and known human carcinogen formaldehyde pops up in many unexpected places, like pressed wood products such as cabinets and flooring, hair straightening or curling treatments, fertilizers, cigarette smoke, and some plastic and paper products. It is also used to kill germs, or as a preservative, which is its main function in the funeral industry. And, it is putting at risk the lives of those who deal with the dead.  Read more...

Playing Offense Against GMO's: Your Right To Know

by Deirdre Imus - Back in April the popular Mexican restaurant chain Chipotle announced it would use only ingredients free of genetically modified organisms, or GMOs.  Last year, Whole Foods Market committed to “full transparency” on products containing GMOs, demanding that by 2018 all products sold in its U.S. and Canadian stores be labeled to indicate if they contain genetically engineered materials. These are noble proclamations with potentially huge implications and should not be taken lightly.  Read more...

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

Deirdre's Book Pick Of The Week

 

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing

This #1 New York Times best-selling guide to decluttering your home from Japanese cleaning consultant Marie Kondo takes readers step-by-step through her revolutionary KonMari Method for simplifying, organizing, and storing.  Read more....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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    Monday
    Sep152014

    Tony Flyin Solo

    6:05:10 a.m. – We are officially at DEFCON 4. Imus’ hair stylists are on the brink of war. Apparently Teresa, The I-Man’s Fox Studio hair stylist is hating on the Boss’ personal hair stylist Hanson. We believe the war of words began when  Teresa said something to the effect of “How long has Hanson had Parkinson’s….. to which Hanson responded“ Given the choice between Teresa, and doing it himself, Stevie Wonder chose to braid his own hair”. This can’t end well. We’re thinking the two of them end up rumbling in an alley with rat tail combs like Tony, and Bernardo in West Side Story. Yes we used a Broadway Musical reference. They are after all hair stylists.

    Ok, So Some Street Gangs Like To Do A Song And Dance Number Before They Bust A Cap In Your Ass

    6:19:14 a.m. –  Warner reports that the Houston Texans defensive end , J.J. Watt caught a touchdown pass. Watt? We Mean …What? The Texans decided to let their superstar defensive player play offense. That seems like a risky move to us, potentially sacrificing your best player, but Warner reports that back in college Watt went both ways. Well Warner a lot of people experiment while in college. It’s normal to explore one’s sexuality. Football players are no exception.  Some football players are tight ends Warner, while others are wide receivers. We’d like to think that we’re all God’s creatures, and it doesn’t matter which …um…ahem…side of the ball ..one lines up on. Watt? Um….What Warner? You mean J.J. played tight end at Central Michigan, as well as defensive end. Well if you want to keep your “end” tight Warner, you better be defensive.

    Tight End?? Where?? Hellooooooo  J.J.. We heard you go “both ways”

    6:40:46 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on for his regular Monday segment. Dietl sounds the alarm bell for ISIS. He’s concerned that there may be jihadists among us willing to blow themselves up, and kill Americans to get access to the “72 virgins”. We learn that Bo has different ideas about heaven than some cabby named Abu. Bo believes that Heaven is a place with nice music, and men walking around with foot long shafts. “Foot long Shafts”?? You mean their Johnsons? Well Bo, we don’t want to brag, but for some of us, let’s just say, Heaven is right here on Earth. Bo also believes that your parents and deceased love ones will be there. How could you make love in front of your moms, and your NaNa with these virgins. We tend to agree with Bo. Doesn’t sound like Heaven to us. By the way Achmed, nobody said those virgins would all be women. Let’s be honest, hearing some young woman say owwww, that hurts, you’re not putting that in there, or worse, some strapping young man making you bend over so that you can sqeal lulululu;lu  72 different times sounds more like Hell to us

    So You blew Yourself Up Abdul. Well Hold On To Your Turban Big Fella That’s Not the Only Thing About To Be Blown. (It’s Virgin Wool)

    7:07:35 a.m. – The I-Man has to go see his ear, nose, and throat specialist, Dr. Gwen Korovin to have the wax sucked out of his ears. He mentions that the good doctor uses a suction device that sometimes brushes his ear drum causing pain. When he flinches Dr. Korovin always shoots him an evil look. Yea that’s the reason for the dirty look. It would have nothing to do with her lab coat be splashed with the I-Man’s ear muck like some Civil War field doctor.  Apparently due to the I-man being a pu…. Um… flinching, due to the excruciating pain that the ear vac causes, Dr. Korovin’s nurse has to hold the Boss down. Deirdre takes note of the nurse’s restraint technique as Imus sometimes jerks when she holds a pillow over his face.

    In Case You Were Wondering What Dr. Korovin Does With All Of Imus’ Ear Wax

    7:23:15 a.m. – During Warner’s sports report he refers to The New Orleans Saints defensive coordinator, Rob Ryan, as “the fat moose defensive coordinator”. Fat Moose?? Warner has clearly been working for the I-Man for too long. Next thing you know he’ll be wearing cowboy hats, and boots. We don’t imagine the diminutive Warner will be wearing the ten gallon variety. We suspect he might go for something in a half-pint size.

    C’mawn little Doggeee

    7:38:37 a.m. –  Might Be Elvis features five songs chosen by The I-Man. Hey, where are you bastards going ? You don’t have to listen to the songs you just have to read about the songs in the blog. Jesus, we’re not that cruel. This week’s song choices included I Remember You by Skid Row, Two Night Town by Jason Aldean, My Wrecking Ball by Ryan Adams, Bring It On Home To Me by Sam Cooke, Better by Guns N’ Roses, and The Miracle of Joey Ramone by U2. Yes we know dear reader, that with the exception of the Great Sam Cooke, these songs can only truly be appreciated in your car, while in the garage, with the motor running, and the door closed.  

    Maybe Its Aldean’s soothing Voice Because I’m Starting To Feel Really Sleepy

    8:07:26 a.m. – Last week Dagan reported that Starbucks employees with tattoos can now have visible ink showing. This leads to the observation that now that some mocha latte making schmuck has ink, then ink is no longer cool. Just so we’re clear haterz, buying a four dollar cup of fu**ing coffee isn’t cool either. Cool was when some hot waitress, wearing what looked like some sort of hybrid nurse’s outfit with white shoes for a uniform, at some diner in the middle of Possum Dick Iowa, would refill your cup without being asked, and called you “Sugah”, and you drank you cup of Joe out of a porcelain cup that you stirred with a greasy spoon.

    Look Suga I Don’t Know What The F**k  A Triple, Venti, Half Sweet, Non-Fat, Caramel Macchiato Is. Now If You Don’t Want This Pot Of Hot Joe Poured In Your Lap sweetie, I’d Get To Steppin

    8:39:24 a.m. –  Fox News National Security Correspondent Jennifer Griffin is our guest. She is on to explain the ISIS VS ISIL divide, and give her take on the situation in the region. We love this woman. She’s brilliant, and explains the situation so that a child could understand it. Although that child would have to be one that graduated Med school at 15 like Doogie Hauser. We are definitely not that child. We are more of the ice cream cone on the head, paste eating variety. Too bad she didn’t bring stick drawing with her to help explain.

    Jesus moron , how hard is this, ISIL …The “L” is for Levant the Eastern Mediterranean region that encompasses Lebanon, Iraq, Syria, and Jordan. Is that paste in the corner of your mouth?

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    In Honor Of The Waitresses Across America Serving That “Old School” Coffee We Present This Little Snippet Of Jack Nicholson In Five Easy Pieces

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wtfNE4z6a8

     

    Comments from the I-Man: Nice job Tony. Rob who?

    Friday
    Sep122014

    Here's a Hint: He's Ignoring You

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The Boss begins the morning extolling the medical genius of Dr. Michael Bronson, Orthopedic Surgeon, to whose office The I-Man brought the Wy-Man to get an MRI on his shoulder.  While waiting for the elevator, of course, people recognized Imus, (at first, they thought it was Elaine Stritch until they realized she’d died a few months ago) and attempted to engage him in conversation.  Naturally, the last thing he wants to do is talk to the wretched refuse standing next to him, and, lucky for him, he can’t hear them without his five figure electronic aids.  Wyatt, helpful lad that he is, tells his father, “Dad, these people are trying to talk to you.”  The I-Man was fully aware of the fact, and was using his deafness to avoid any conversational discourse.  That is, until the kid piped up.  An innocent mistake.  Or a devious plot to stick it to the old man.  We report, you decide.

    THE AURALLY CHALLENGED I-MAN.  2 MINUTES OF TALKING TO HIM, AND EVERYBODY AT THE ELEVATOR WISHED THEY WERE DEAF

    6:17:34 a.m. –  While promo-ing his briefing, BERNARD MCGUIRK mentions that he has a story about Suge Knight being shot 6 times.  BERNARD MCGUIRK, OF LONG BEACH, NEW YORK, then proceeds to say that if Mr. Knight was not a ‘Fat B-Word’, he might not have survived.   “Did you just call my friend Suge Knight a ‘Fat Bitch’?  asks an incredulous I-Man.   “Fat Bastard is what I meant” replies BERNARD MCGUIRK, WHO, EVERY WEEKDAY BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 6 A.M. AND 9:45 A.M. CAN BE FOUND IN THE WABC STUDIOS ON THE 17TH FLOOR OF 2 PENN PLAZA, NEW YORK, NEW YORK.

    A-SUGE KNIGHT,  B- BERNARD MCGUIRK   C-  AN AK-47

    WHICH DOESN’T BELONG AND WHY?

    6:40:08 a.m. – Mike Baker, our favorite Spook, (we don’t mean the kind that scares you on Halloween, we mean the kind that will put a grenade in your Happy Meal) is on to talk about the ISIS / ISIL  situation in Iraq.  He looks a little flushed as he arrives in the green room.  He must’ve come straight from his music lesson as there’s a couple inches of a piano wire sticking out of his pocket.

    MIKE BAKER AT HIS MUSIC LESSON

    7:05:28 a.m. – In answer to the President’s difficulty in getting Turkey to join the coalition against the Islamic State and use their airbase, the I-Man comes up with a solution.   “ Why can’t we just say ‘Hey Bob, we’re using your airbase and what are you gonna do about it?’ ”   We weren’t aware that there was a ‘Bob’ in Turkey.  Unless the Boss meant ‘Ali-Bob’.  Or ‘Shish’ Ka Bob.

    TURKISH “BOB” ( L )  AND TURKISH  “CHUCK” ( R )  

    7:19:42 a.m. –  Going into the break, the I-Man plays Meghan Trainor’s ‘All About That Bass’ and maintains that the entire ‘It Might Be Elvis’ panel HATED the song when he played it a couple of months ago, way before it became an INSANE HIT.  Back in the Greenroom, Trevor weighs in with an observation:  “The chorus sounds like a cross between Tony Orlando’s ‘Knock 3 Times’ and Dean Martin’s ‘That’s Amore’.”    No wonder it’s such a hit. 

    MEGHAN TRAINOR AND…DAWN

    7:41:24 a.m. –   VINNIE FROM QUEENS  featuring new panelist, Dagen McDowell, and, filling in for an ailing Nat Candido, Carley Shimkus, who, unlike Superfan Nat, is not wearing a Mets Jersey.  She’s wearing a Victoria’s Secret Jersey.  Which, we now believe, should be what Nat must wear every week.  During the discussion of the Ray Rice Video and Roger Goodell, Warner says that Goodell will most certainly resign from his position as Commissioner of the NFL, and as Gunz tries to put in his two cents Warner went all Ike Turner / Joe Jackson on him:   “I wasn’t finished.”   Wow.  Warner bitch slaps the kid.  Gunz retreats, tail between his legs, like a scolded puppy. 

    SHUT UP, JUNIOR.  THE ADULTS ARE TALKING.

    7:44:48 a.m. –   During the Jerry Jones / Exotic Dancer Suit discussion, Carley finds it difficult to put herself in Jerry’s position as she doesn’t “Know many 70 year old men…who only want a warm room, a cup of coffee and a Tofu Burger.”  How many does she need? 

    HEY CARLEY.  THIS GUY WOULD LIKE TO TAKE YOU OUT FOR A CUP OF COFFEE AND A TOFU BURGER

    8:06:32 a.m. –  The I-Man gives a special shout-out to his boy, Steve Schwartzman…Shardon…Schwanden…  The Boss can’t pronounce his good friend from AT&T’s name who is going to provide him with a new iPhone 6 Plus.   Warner provides the correct pronunciation:  “Schwadron”. Sounds like ‘Squadron’.  Steve, on the other hand, has no problem pronouncing Imus’ name.  Sounds like ‘Glass Hole’.

    8:17:16 a.m. – “Is there ANY television program that John McCain will not go on?” the I-Man wants to know.   Even the white noise on the TV the little girl in Poltergeist was staring at had McCain’s voice on it. 

    SOME OF SENATOR MCCAIN’S MANY TV APPEARANCES

    8:38:14 a.m. –  I-Fave, Staff-Fave, Show-Fave, World-Famous Sportscaster, Christopher ‘Mad Dog’ Russo, from Sirius/XM’s like-named channel, and host of MLB Network’s ‘High Heat’ is on, and…he’s either in Heat, or he’s High.  He has so much energy, it’s like he snorted ALL the cocaine the I-Man did in the 70’s… THIS MORNING.  The Boss wants to ‘tweak’ Mad Dog, by asking him why he wasn’t on the Daily News’ ‘Most Powerful Men in Sports’ list, as his old partner, Mike ‘No Nickname’ Francesa was number eight on said list.  This attempt by the I-Man to derail Russo’s tirade fails.   Mad Dog continues to ‘Hump the Radio Leg’ with wild abandon.  He is certifiably crazy.  He might not be on the ‘Most Powerful Men in Sports’ list, but he’s certainly one of the ‘Powerful Men in New York.’  Attach this dope to a generator…he could power the whole effin’ city.

    MAD DOG:  A ‘GREEN ENERGY SOURCE’

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    WE SUPPLY, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE FOR THOSE WHO ARE, LIKE THE I-MAN, ‘HARD OF HEARING’, A SIGN LANGUAGE INTERPRETATION OF TODAY’S BLOG

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpPvGP_GUXs

    Thursday
    Sep112014

    ISIS or ISIL?

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man is suffering from a swollen tongue this morning.  Apparently, Wyatt made a boatload of spicy Pasta Arrabiata last night that could feed “The 475 troops who will be going to Iraq”.  His father found it in the fridge, decided the macaroni wasn’t spicy enough for him, so he proceeded to dump a 55 gallon drum of Cholula hot sauce on it.  The resulting dish then became so acidic, the Boss’ tongue swelled to the size of a small Buick.  He’s still suffering from the effects this morning.  Nothing like a speech-impeded RADIO TALK SHOW HOST, sounding like Alfred Hitchcock sucking on a tablespoon of peanut butter.

    THERE’S NO ‘SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL’ THIS MORNING

     

    6:07:14 a.m. – Imus, ever curious as he is wont to be, is confused as to why President Obama refers to the terror threat in the Middle East as “ISIL” when everybody, from the New York Times to Fox News, is calling it “ISIS”. He wants to know who it is we are attempting to kill.  Obviously, it’s a ‘Tomato / Tomato’, Sub/Hoagie, Sprinkles/Jimmies deal.  Just call them what they are, ‘The Goat-Humping, Lice-Ridden, Evil Bastards’.

    “SOME PEOPLE CALL IT ‘ISIL’…I CALL IT ‘ISIS’…MMMMMM MMMM”

    6:40:08 a.m. – Lieutenant Colonel Bill Cowan is on to discuss what needs to be done in Iraq.  You can break down his suggested strategy into a simple statement, in which, he would tell the terrorists, to ‘Look up’.   We wholeheartedly approve, however, it might be somewhat difficult for them to do so, as they will not see the drones, because they will be bent over, kissing their asses goodbye.

      ‘ACHMED!  LOOK!  UP IN THE SKY!  IT’S A BIRD!  IT’S A PLANE!  OH NO, IT’S……………..’

    7:05:28 a.m. – The I-Man shares that he was distracted from watching the President’s speech, as, right in the middle of it, Deirdre stepped out of the shower, “And the girl was nekkid.” A situation that leads him, naturally, to say  “And I’m tellin’ you right now, the girl look good nekkid.”   Not that we wouldn’t take him at his word, but we feel we need some photographic evidence to prove the validity of that statement.  We certainly know what the I-Man looks like just stepping out of the shower.  Like he’s wearing a three piece corduroy suit.

    IMUS TAKES A NAP NEKKID, EXCEPT FOR HIS COWBOY HAT AND CHUCK TAYLORS

    7:18:42 a.m. –  The I-Man tells us all that yesterday, September 10th, was Tom ‘Bigfoot’ Bowman’s 13th Anniversary of being the Television Producer of the Imus in the Morning Program.  Which means that, if he actually followed through on his initial instinct on that fateful day, his sentence for his manslaughter conviction would be over by now.  At the very least, he’d be on parole.

    IN ACTUALITY, THERE ISN’T A JURY ON THE PLANET THAT WOULD CONVICT HIM

    (BY THE WAY, IN THIS PHOTO,BIGFOOT IS WEARING HIS CAUCASIAN GLOVES)

    7:22:44 a.m. –  Warner updates the Baseball Playoff Race, which irritates Imus.  “People hate baseball”, he maintains “Stop reporting it.”   Good luck getting those World Series Scores, folks.

     ‘THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD’ CONCURS

    7:27:34 a.m. –  Imus says that he set up My Pillow Magnate, Michael Lindell, with a ‘Hot Babe…and he never called her.”   He says that she was “A sure-thing… Third base on the first date, all the way home later.”  We attempt to use this clue to divine the identity of the I-Man’s Matchmaking Prospect, and we come to the conclusion…it’s her:

    ACCORDING TO CLARENCE THOMAS, THE GIRL WILL ‘BITE THE MY PILLOW’  UNFORTUNATELY, HER TEETH WILL STILL BE ON IT WHEN SHE’S FINISHED

    7:41:24 a.m. – THE MENSA MEETING  In which, the Lamb lies down with the Lion: ALAN COLMES says something NEGATIVE about President Obama, and DEIRDRE actually APPROVES of the President’s Middle East Strategy.  Alan says he didn’t vote for a ‘War Mongering President’.  Deirdre, however, didn’t vote for Obama because he WASN’T a ‘War Mongering President’.  Next thing you know, the I-Man is going to say that he ‘Actually feels good.’

    ONE THING WE WOULDN’T VOTE FOR…IS ALAN’S SUIT.  JESUS!  IS THAT FROM JOSEPH ABBOUD’S ‘THE JOKER’ COLLECTION?

    8:06:32 a.m. – The Boss reads Doris Kearns Goodwin’s Bio, (as she will be our 8:30 guest) and she lists her myriad Television appearances, including ‘The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson’ however, in the bio, there is literally  NO mention of the I-Man.  NONE.  Imus would normally be irritated.  Incredulously, this time, he isn’t.  Not because Doris has been a guest on the program for 20-25 years and to be slighted that way is an ‘infamia’, but because he knows she has an excuse: She was drunk.

    SELL YOUR STUPID BOOK ON CRAIG FERGUSON, GRANDMA.  AND, BY THE WAY, YOU KNOW YOU’RE NOT WEARING PANTS RIGHT NOW, DON’T YOU?

    8:07:16 a.m. –  Ed Henry, Chief White House Correspondent for Fox News, phones in to comment on The President’s Speech, and the I-Man accuses him of being an Obama Kiss Ass.

    “HEY!  HENRY!  PUCKER UP!  YOU KNOW THE DRILL…”

    8:38:14 a.m. –  The aforementioned Author, Presidential Historian, Lincoln Groupie, and…well, lush, Doris Kearns Goodwin is on to promote the paperback version of her bestselling book The Bully Pulpit, which, although considerably lighter than the hardcover, still weighs about 4 pounds.  The I-Man asks her what she thought of the President’s speech last night.  During her remarks, she does her Teddy Roosevelt impression. “Speak softly and carry a big stick.”   She’s clearly been drinking.

    DKG: SHE’S GOT A BULLY IN HER PULPIT

    8:46:00 a.m. – In the middle of Doris’ interview, we pause for a moment of silence to honor the memory of those who lost their lives on Sept. 11th 2001.  It’s surprising.  Not because of the poignancy and solemnity of the moment, but because WABC Sales Manager Reverend Jonathan Mason, didn’t find a sponsor for it.  

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

     

    GREGORY HINES 

    ANOTHER SUFFERER OF ‘SWOLLEN TONGUE SYNDROME’

    (BUT NOT FOR THE SAME REASON)

    FROM MEL BROOKS’ ‘HISTORY OF THE WORLD PT.1’

    (STAY WITH THE CLIP ALL THE WAY THROUGH…THERE’S AN ‘UPLIFTING’ ENDING’)

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3viQHsBFc4

     

    Comments from the I-Man: Watching Deirdre Imus read today's blog to see if she laughs even once. Ok...she just started reading. First page she's laughing says, "Oh Sh*t this is a fu*king scream. Second page...more laughing thinks iMan screaming about ISIL vs ISIS is amusing. Now laughing at bomb blowing up terrorists. This photo of her husband taking a nap naked is a scream. Bigfoot photos emits more laughing. Enough...she thinks the blog is hilarious. Of course...it's not about her.

    Wednesday
    Sep102014

    Better Than Ambien

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man wonders why we all just can’t get along. He waxes philosophical about how curious it is, that with all the years we’ve been on the planet we still can’t talk things out.  It didn’t take a high speed chase, a beating by police and some riots in L.A. for Imus to have his ‘Rodney King Moment’

    “HEY FELLAS!  HOW ABOUT A GROUP HUG?”

    6:07:14 a.m. – Our former TV Boss, Kevin Magee, used to keep a list of things the I-Man could not say on the air.  It was extensive, (‘Darn’ and ‘Shoot’ were both on it) and, pretty much, reflected the standards and morals of…Victorian England.  Magee’s replacement, our new TV boss, Bill Shine, says that he will create his own list. We hope that ‘Titty Bar’ isn’t on it.  TittyBarTittyBarTittyBarTittyBarTittyBar.

    KEVIN’S LIST ( L )  NOT ‘CARLIN APPROVED’

    6:08:22 a.m. –  In a somewhat related story, Warner Wolf reports about those controversial photos of Jerry Jones with the two women, or, as Warner refers to them, ‘Exotic Strippers’.  Exotic Strippers?  What, are they from Malaysia?

    YOU’LL NEED A FISTFULL OF RINGGITS* IF YOU GO SEE MAPLE LOO DANCE

    *THE NATIONAL CURRENCY OF MALAYSIA

    6:10:13a.m. –  The Boss, supposedly, got a haircut yesterday.  We think that’s literally true.  He got A hair cut.  Just one. The remainder still rests on the top of his head like a gray hay bale. 

     

    THE I-MAN.  NOT ONLY SNAKES IN HIS HEAD, THEY’RE ON  IT AS WELL

    6:26:52a.m. – Bernard plays a clip from last night’s Jimmy Fallon, where Keith Richards was a guest to promote his children’s book.  Yes, you heard right, CHILDREN’S BOOK.  

    DR. SEUSS HAD QUITE A SCRIP PAD.  AND HE WROTE EVERY PAGE FOR KEITH

    6:40:08 a.m. –  Stuart Varney, one of our favorite guests, is on.  The I-Man asks the Bombastic Brit if he’s met our new TV Boss, Bill Shine.  Varney confirms he did, which leads the I-Man to ask, “Does he like you?”   Varney says he doesn’t know. Imus says “Well, I mentioned your name to him…and there was no reaction.”  The hook has been baited, the line has been cast, and we wait…patiently, for the imminent, certain, Freak Out  Fallout.  The I-Man reminds everyone to set their alarms for 11:00 A.M., when Stuart’s program begins, as they, no doubt, will be napping after the I-Man is off the air. 

    BETTER THAN AMBIEN

    7:07:14 a.m. –  The I-Man reveals that he went to see I-Fave and long-time friend, Kinky Friedman at ‘The Kenney Store’ in Kenney, Texas.  Kinky was BRILLIANT, as expected, but, upon looking at the menu, we think the Boss might’ve been a little confused, due to low blood sugar, as there was very little there for him to eat.  Pork Cracklin’s, Chicken Fried Chicken, Pork Chops, Gizzards, Liver and Calf Fries aren’t exactly on the Deirdre Approved, Whole Food, Organic, Vegan Diet.  Calf Fries, by the way, are breaded and fried baby cow testicles.   Mmmmmmm  Mmmmmmm Good.  Imus feasted on Onion Rings and Root Beer.  High Livin’.   No Veal Balls for Imus.  Probably because he’s already packing an extra one himself.

    NOT A LOT OF VEGAN ENTREES ON THE MENU AT THE KENNEY STORE

    ‘CALF FRIES’  YOU REALLY NEED A PAIR OF THEM TO EAT A  PLATE OF THEM

    7:42:34 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE  First topic: The hacked naked celebrity cell phone photos.  Lis admits that on her phone, she only has pictures of her kitten. Or, as Imus then calls it, “Her Little Pussy”   We suppose we will hear from Bill Shine if this phrase will go on the list. 

    OBVIOUSLY, LIS DOESN’T SHAVE HER PUSSY

    7:44:24 a.m. – The I-Man asks Deirdre if she’s ever taken a nude picture of herself.  She says no…but gets cut off by the Boss before she can complete the sentence… “But other people have.”

    DEIRDRE’S FIRST NAKED PICTURE – CIRCA 1964

    8:27:14 a.m. – The I-Man says that his “Back hurts.”  In fact, he’s in so much pain, he’s actually sick.  Deirdre is not sympathetic.  “I keep telling you, you have to stretch.”    He can’t stretch.  If he does, he won’t have anything to complain about.  Which would leave him actually feeling good.   Which would be QUITE a stretch.

     

    WE AGREE WITH DEIRDRE.  THE I-MAN HAS TO STRETCH.  ON THIS.

    8:11:16 a.m. –  Warner and the I-Man discuss the Ray Rice suspension, prompting Connell to ‘Pipe Up’ and join the conversation.  Imus asks if anybody in the studio heard someone ask the ‘Boy Newscaster’ to weigh in.

    “HOLY NUMBNUTS, BATMAN!”

    8:18:36 a.m. –  The first sign of the Apocalypse has revealed itself.  Warner reports on the Jerry Jones lawsuit, where a stripper is suing Mr. Jones for allegedly touching her breast, and forcing her to watch another woman perform oral sex on him.   We are shocked that a person who makes a living providing lap dances would object to a breast fondling, but, then again, she doesn’t give those out for free either.  Regardless, the point here is that the story inspires Warner to wish that Jerry phone in, (in the guise of Imus’ brilliant impression) and discuss what happened at the ‘Titty Bar’.              WHAT????          Did Warner just say ‘Titty Bar’?   We think he just said ‘Titty Bar’.        DAMN!   He DID just say ‘Titty Bar’.  If you had Warner refusing to use profane language on the air…YOU LOST!

    “HEY C’MON!  I GOT A ‘FAIR POLE’ RIGHT NOW.  HOT DOG-EE!”

    8:40:14 a.m. – Another of our favorite guests, Triple A is here, Attorney Arthur Aidala.  He is weighing in on the Ray Rice situation.  Fascinating.  We come to the conclusion that he’s a brilliant man.  At least until he says that the I-Man ‘Looks Good.’  (Speaking of things being ‘A Stretch’) He also mentions that the video of Ray Rice is what is so compelling about the story.  In Arthur’s words, “A picture’s worth a thousand words.”

    A PICTURE FOR WHICH…THERE ARE NO WORDS

     

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

     A COMIC LEGEND. WHO DIDN’T BELIEVE THERE WERE ANY WORDS YOU COULDN’T SAY ON TELEVISION

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgQPCa4JjCA

     

    Comments from the I-Man:

    I'm not motivated to comment on the stupid blog today.

    Tuesday
    Sep092014

    And He's Back!

    6:05:10 a.m. –  He’s back.  Like Jesus, the I-Man has returned, except, instead of 3 Days, it’s been three months.  He appears to be relatively happy.  It’s amazing how being able to breathe can affect one’s mood.

    A SIGN ON THE WALL OF THE STUDIO OUT AT THE RANCH

    6:06:12 a.m. – Imus says that his hair is so long, it makes him look like Camilla Parker Bowles.  Not true.  Camilla is far more masculine.

    WE DON’T SEE ANY RESEMBLANCE WHATSOEVER

    PSYCHE.  THE ONLY THING MISSING ON THE RIGHT IS THE TIARA

    6:10:14 a.m. – The I-Man reveals that Meghan informed him that Bill O’Reilly has a new book out, Killing Patton.   He says O’Reilly is “Killing everybody.  Putting up Ted Bundy numbers”.

    THE NEXT VICTIM ON O’REILLY’S LITERARY ‘BUCKET LIST’

    FUN FACT: TED BUNDY ALSO WROTE A COUPLE OF BOOKS.

    HIS FIRST ONE WAS TITLED “KILLING EVERYBODY”

    6:22:44 a.m. – Great news.  The Boss says he HATES Guns N’ Roses, “Thanks to Wyatt Imus.”  We’d like to extend OUR Thanks to Wyatt Imus…for forcing his father over to our side.  We’re just disappointed it took him so long.  We’ve hated them ever since ‘Welcome to the Jungle’.

    DESPITE TOURING WITH THE BAND FOR A BRIEF PERIOD OF TIME, IMUS NOW HATES AXL, SLASH AND THE OTHER HAIR BAGS IN THE BAND

    6:42:52 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on, and remarks that “You look good” to the I-Man. Imus calls Bo fat.  Which makes Bo comment negatively on Imus’ “Scraggly Hair”.    Bo takes exception to being called fat, and challenges the Boss to get naked and have a contest.  Bo says that people would prefer his solid body compared to the I-Man’s ‘Sagatacious’ physique.  ‘Sagatacious’ suggests that The I-Man is somewhat less than a ‘Hard Body’. 

    BO GETS PUMPITATED BEFORE GOING OUT ON SET

    THE I-MAN RUNNING IN THE PARK.  THE HELMET IS TO KEEP HIM FROM HURTING HIMSELF WHEN HE WALKS INTO TREES

    6:48:08 a.m. –  Bo says that he wants to sell gas masks to Subway Riders to prepare for imminent threats of ISIS terrorism.  The I-Man accuses him of trying to cash in on calamity.  We think it’s an idea that should have been implemented years ago…if only to protect subway riders against the heinous B.O. of their fellow straphangers. 

    THERE’S A REASON WHY THE CALL IT THE ‘NUMBER TWO TRAIN’

    7:17:42 a.m. –  Imus reveals that the reason why he had Lou play ‘Get Back’ earlier, is because it’s Billy Preston’s birthday today, and Billy is the one who plays the smoking electric piano solo in the song. He asks Connell if he knew that, and Connell admits he didn’t and so the Boss accuses him of having ‘No Soul’.  Connell replies, “Just call me stupid.  I do have a soul.”  Pretty ironic that Satan would accuse McShane of having no soul, especially when he holds the deed to it in his pocket.

      BILLY PRESTON.  THE FIRST ‘BLACK BEATLE”.   OBVIOUSLY,  HE  HAD 

    PLENTY OF SOUL

    7:32:34 a.m. – HOLLYWOOD &  VINE   -  Of course, the first topic concerns the late, great, comedic genius, Joan Rivers, a subject for which Dagen has some ‘unfortunate’ feelings..  “She was 81…she was going to go in the next 10 years!  Dust in the Wind!”   Rather cold and heartless statement from McDowell.  All we know is, we’re not letting her get anywhere near the Surge Protector that’s got Grandma’s Iron Lung plugged into it. 

    “HEY!  GET THAT HILLBILLY AWAY FROM THE SOCKET!”

    JOAN POSTHUMOUSLY REACTS TO DAGEN’S COMMENT:

    “F*** YOU, DAISY MAE!”

    7:35:24 a.m. – Reidel takes offense to Dagen’s ruthless position concerning Joan Rivers, as, he says, “She was a very good friend of mine.”   Why are we not surprised?

    NOT EVEN THE DOG IS STRAIGHT

    8:06:32 a.m. –  The I-Man says that he spent a lot of time in his Escalade this summer, riding around, listening to Lyle Lovett, and is inspired to ask if anyone knew how good he is, not that Captain Obvious is all that quick on the uptake.  We’re waiting for him to ask us if we knew The Beatles broke up.  Regardless, we assume that Wyatt Imus, just to spite his G n’ R despising father, now HATES Lyle Lovett.

    “THANKS FOR THE VOTE OF CONFIDENCE, I-MAN.  IF IT MAKES ANY DIFFERENCE, I ASSUMED YOU WERE DEAD YEARS AGO.”

    8:20:40 a.m. –  Imus admits that he is slowly turning into Kathie Lee Gifford, with his parental pride and boasting of Wyatt’s rodeo skills.  Mind you, we are among the Wy-Man’s biggest fans, and have been of the young roping prodigy, for a number of years now.  But…DAMN!  We get every microscopic and excruciatingly tedious detail, the most insignificant bit of minutiae concerning his results in the events.  SHUT UP AND JUST TELL US THE SCORE!  As long as the kid didn’t embarrass himself, or, God Forbid, YOU, that’s all we need to know! What’s next?  Showing the birth video so we can see how well the OBGYN tied the umbilical knots?

    AND HE DID IT IN UNDER EIGHT SECONDS

    8:38:14 a.m. –  The Boss interviews NY Times Columnist, Journalist and bestselling Author, Tom Friedman, who comments on the ISIS Crisis.  He doesn’t believe that there should be any US Boots on the Ground, because China holds all the Iraqi Oil Contracts and so they should deal with it.  Not to mention that there are considerably more of them than there are of us.  They might even be able to provide a non-violent solution:  Building the ‘Great Wall of Mosul’. 

    HEY…IT COULD WORK

     

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Joan Rivers, At Her Comedy Central Roast, Demonstrating Exactly Why She’s Considered A Legend

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynHlbHRB_Bo