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Deirdre's Corner

 Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Congress Must Make Chemical Safety Act Live Up To Its Name

by Deirdre Imus - The latest version of the Frank R. Lautenberg Chemical Safety Act, endorsed last week by a Senate committee, is nothing short of an irresponsible prescription for disaster. This bill, introduced by Senators Tom Udall and David Vitter, does not come close to fixing anything – except maybe the bank accounts of chemical company executives. The bill pretty much absolves the chemical industry of responsibly for the long-term environmental health effects of its own products and fails to provide an avenue to determine this type of safety for the thousands of chemicals they are producing.  Read more...

Deirdre Imus on Your World with Neil Cavuto - Little Caesars now selling pizza with bacon-wrapped crust

 

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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    Tuesday
    May132014

    A Raisin in the Studio

    6:05:10 a.m. – The morning begins with an assessment of the Story of the Day: Jay-Z’s ‘Hard Knock Life’, namely, his Sister-In-Law kicking the S#!& out of him on a security camera in an elevator.  First Paul Simon, now Jay-Z.  It’s an epidemic.  Good news is, at least Eminem is back together with his Moms.

    “DOWN GOES CARTER!”

    6:12:24 a.m –  The Controversial ‘Michael Sam Kiss’ is viewed, and discussed.  Former New York Giant Derek Ward tweeted his ‘disgust’ at Sam’s cake-filled kiss with his boyfriend that was broadcast right after Ward was drafted by the St. Louis Rams.  We hope that his ‘disgust’ had to do with the waste of pastry, and not that he’s homophobic.  Rob is empathetic.  Not only with the homosexual community, but with the waste of quality baked goods.

    WE WOULDN’T EVEN WANT TO SEE IMUS AND DEIRDRE KISS WITH THEIR FACES COVERED IN CAKE.  NOT THAT THERE WOULD EVER BE CAKE, BUT WE GET QUEASY JUST WATCHING DEIRDRE AND THE I-MAN KISSING IN GENERAL

    6:35:07 a.m. – Litigator, Arthur Aidala is on, and reveals that he was at the Brooklyn Nets’ game the other night with ‘I-Fave’ Joe Tacopina…and that Tacopina wears a Nets Jersey with his own name on it.  He then informs us that this is not an unusual practice, as Tacopina does it with every team.  As if that would make it better.  We think Joe thinks that it’s like Miss Runner Up at the Miss America Pageant.  In case the real player can’t fulfill his duties, Joe’s on deck, waiting to fill in.

    IN CASE MASON PLUMLEE SPRAINS AN ANKLE…JOE IS READY…

    7:08:28 a.m. – Investigative Reporter, ‘Snoop’ Imus, “Peels back the onion” on Lori Rothman’s contentious In-Law problem.  It seems there’s a conflict of philosophies.  The Grandparents believe in spoiling the children, plying them with candy and ice cream, and then sending them back to Lori all jacked up on sugar highs.  That never happens in other families.  For example, at Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown’s house, they’d send the kids to the grandparents already wired up.  And not on Snickers Bars or Hagen Dazs.

    “A CRAPPY LOLLIPOP?  MOMMY ALWAYS GIVES ME CRACK!”

    7:13:24 a.m  – The I-Man wants an intern to get him coffee.  Which, the way things work here, he will have the day after he leaves for the Ranch.  The Coffee will probably be pretty cold by the time he gets back, but at least, Carley doesn’t need to go get it.

    THIS WAS HOT WHEN THE INTERN GOT IT.  BUT WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, YOU MAKE ICED COFFEE

    7:35:34 a.m. – Hollywood and Vine.  Or, as we like to call it, “Will You Shut the F%$K Up, Riedel So We Can Hear The Babes Talk?”  The I-Man relates a story about Deirdre wearing ‘Pedal Pushers’.  How that relates to Show Business Scum news, is anyone’s guess, but the story ended with Deirdre referring to the Boss as ‘A Raisin’.  And based on the way we think she said it…it wasn’t organic.

    HE SHOULD’VE TOLD HER THE PEDAL PUSHERS LOOKED ‘NICE’ ON HER

    7:40:34 a.m. – A long discussion about the latest production of ‘Phantom of the Opera’ ensues, as Imogen shares that her father came in especially to see Norm Lewis, the first African American to play the Phantom on Broadway.  The only way a discussion of ‘Phantom of the Opera’ would interest the I-Man would be if HE were in it.  The fact that he is the only one in New York who HASN’T been in it by now is amazing in itself.

    WE DON’T KNOW WHY IMUS HASN’T STARRED IN IT…HE’S ALREADY GOT THE HAT

    8:05:32 a.m. – Connell reports that a School Principal in Long Island City was having sex in the school during class with another school official.  The I-Man, of course, asks what she looks like. Connell returns with “What difference does it make?”  The Boss says that if she’s Mary Kay LaTourneau hot, it’s one thing, if she’s some fat pig, it’s another. 

    IF WE’RE TALKING THE PICTURE ON THE LEFT, WE’RE INTERESTED.  IF WE’RE TALKING THE PICTURE ON THE RIGHT, WE’LL TAKE A HALL PASS

    8:16:14 a.m. – Clay Aiken’s Primary Opponent, Keith Crisco, mysteriously died during the recount of their runoff.  Reports were that Crisco was planning to concede the race.  “I guess he did, then.”  The I-Man muses.  No more Crisco for Clay.  He’ll have to switch to Wesson Oil.

    WESSON: DON’T GO TO A BETTE DAVIS LOOKALIKE PARTY WITHOUT IT

    8:18:14 a.m. – The I-Man plays a video of Gunz in some kind of commercial trying to sell a Prius to two single ladies.  He gets a piece of paper from one of them, ostensibly with her phone number on it, but later, upon opening the note, it reads: “Don’t you ever call me.”  Gunz couldn’t get laid if he were sitting in a Porsche on a booster seat made of hundred dollar bills, going through the Drive Thru at the Bunny Ranch.  Which prompts the I-Man to tell his famous ‘Porsche Joke’.  “What’s the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine?  With a Porcupine, the Pricks are on the outside.”  Not always.  Sometimes they stand next to it.

    “NO, REALLY, IT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU, GUNZ!  SERIOUSLY!”

    8:38:14 a.m. – Colonel Tom Manion is on with his book, Brothers Foreverthe poignant story of his son Travis, and Brendan Looney, who met, became best friends, and died serving their country.  This is what makes the Imus in the Morning show great.  In the past 48 hours we’ve had Captain Wes Moore, Colonel Tom Manion, right along serious discussions as to whether the Principal who did the nasty in the school was hot enough to be interesting.  This ain’t your mother’s Morning Zoo.

    GO TO AMAZON.COM.  NOW.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    The Bout of the Century

     

    SOLANGE AND JAY Z AT THE WEIGH IN

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWdhX9c_7FA

    Monday
    May122014

    Make You Wait!

    6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man is not happy.  Especially with the Fox Business TV audience.  He notices that the ratings the past couple of days have sucked.  And he’s going to take it out on them.   Warner was going to play a really great Charles Barkley clip during the Sports Promo.  The Boss, not known for his patience, wants Warner to play it immediately, then decides that he has to discipline himself and “Make you bastards wait.”  That’ll show ‘em. 

    ALL OF YOU IN OUR FOX BUSINESS TV AUDIENCE…USE YOUR WAITING TIME PRODUCTIVELY

    (THIS YOGA POSITION IS KNOWN AS THE ‘UPWARD DOG’)

    6:07:14 a.m. – The Boss says that every time he goes to Texas, he gets fatter.  He’s Six Foot Tall, 159 pounds, and wonders if he should call the NJ Diet people, so he can lose between 20 and 45 pounds in 40 days.  There’s another way to achieve the same goal.  Go ‘Jesus Style’.  Head out to the desert for 40 days and ignore the Devil.  He won’t have to worry about any buzzards…there won’t even be enough meat on the I-Man’s carcass for a little Birdie Snack.

    “I DUNNO, BOB…IT HARDLY SEEMS WORTH EVEN SWOOPING DOWN TO TAKE A LOOK” 

    6:12:24 a.m –  Connell reports a story about the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, playing hockey with former NHL Stars, Pavel Bure and Alexei Kastonov.  Putin’s team won 21-4, with the president scoring 6 goals and 5 assists.  The players on the opposing team who scored the 4 goals…are currently skating (on thin ice)…in Siberia. 

    THE PRESIDENT MUST BE A VERY GOOD SKATER. HE DIDN’T GET ‘CHECKED’ ONCE.

    6:35:07 a.m. – “Bo Dietl, Bo Dietl, where you been?”  “Up to your mama’s house and back again.”  Bo is incensed at this guy ‘Boko Haram’.  The I-Man tries to explain to him that it’s not a person…it’s a terrorist organization.  It degenerates into a ‘Who’s on first’ routine, with  Bo relating that he once provided security for a Middle Eastern Sultan, and so he knows the Sultan of Brunei is a ‘hippo-pottamus’.   We think he means ‘Hypocrite’, because they are trying to bring ‘Sheer Law’…which we think he means ‘Sharia Law’…unless he’s referring to really transparent legislation.   The quote of the morning is:   “Lesbianics are really sexitatious.”  How we got from Nigeria to a ‘Munchatation Situation’ is an art that ONLY BO can master. 

    BO, HAVING A “CONSULTATIONIZATION SITUATION” WITH THE “SULTANIANIC”

    6:53:08 a.m. –  The I-Man is very excited about the new Seth McFarland Movie ‘A Million Ways To Die in The West’.  He says he might actually go to the theater to see it.  We shudder to think what that experience might be like.  The I-Man, out in ‘The Wild’, at some Jersey Multiplex.  People might think they’re in the wrong theater…that somehow, they are seeing ‘Cocoon.’

    WILFRED BRIMLEY, DON AMECHE, AND THE I-MAN, IN ‘COCOON’

    7:07:28 a.m. – Imus grills Lori Rothman on her Mothers’ Day.  It seems that only ‘Part of it sucked’.  Someone misbehaved…and it wasn’t the kids.  Apparently, there is some tension between Lori and her Mother in Law.  We can’t imagine why.  Lori is such an easygoing soul. 

    “HOW CAN I KILL THIS BITCH AND GET AWAY WITH IT?”

    LORI ROTHMAN, (R) AND HER MOTHER IN LAW

    7:09:24 a.m  – We learn that the leader of the Boko Haram leader is Abubakar Shekau.  Or, as Bo Dietl pronounces it ‘Abba Dabba Do’

    AN ‘ABBA DABBA DOO’

    7:39:34 a.m. – “It Might Be Elvis” – A musical suicide note from Mark Knopfler and Van Morrison, an Alan Jackson imitation of Frankie Lane doing Rawhide for the ‘Million Ways To Die In The West’, a Ha Ha Tonka song that has already BEEN on IMBE, and an Eminem clip we can’t hear because it’s…well, Eminem…and it needs about 4 minutes and 9 seconds of editing and the song’s only 4:11. 

     

    EVEN MARK KNOPFLER IS BEMUSED

    8:16:32 a.m. – Warner reports that Baseball Games are now lasting four hours long… “Where are you going to go?” the I-Man asks anybody watching a Mets Game…as he believes they have NO place to go.  It suggests that an awful lot of homeless people are Mets Fans.  Yes.  And?

    A TYPICAL METS FAN

    8:18:14 a.m. – The I-Man responds to Charles Barkley’s comments about ‘Fat Girls’ in San Antonio.  He notes that they’re not just in San Antonio Texas, some of the rodeos he goes to, he sees some girls in the jeans with the sparkles on the pocket.  He’s seen some butts he could set a bucket of water on.

    TWO HEALTHY TEXAS GALS IN SPARKLE JEANS.  YOU CAN’T SEE THEM SPARKLING, BECAUSE LIGHT CAN’T ESCAPE A BLACK HOLE

    8:38:14 a.m. – Rhodes Scholar, New York Times Bestselling Author, U.S. Army Officer, former 82nd Airborne Ranger, Wes Moore is on to discuss the plight of American Veterans, and the documentary he made about soldiers returning to the U.S. after Iraq and Afghanistan, called “Coming Back” It’s a three part mini-series Tuesday Nights at 8 PM on PBS.

     

    THIS MAN’S RESUME WOULD COVER ABOUT 5 LIFETIMES.

    8:50:14 a.m. – “That’s one of the most impressive guests we’ve ever had.”  Dagen sees Presidential potential.  “He really must make Rob and Tony feel inferior.”    Yeah.  We needed him to make us feel that way.  It’s not like we are made to feel that way EVERY F&*^ING day.

    THIS IS HOW WE FEEL STANDING NEXT TO WES

    9:06:14 a.m. – The I-Man asks Lou if he’s found the Eminem track yet.  Lou informs him that he’s always had it, but in its current form, it’s unplayable.  Apparently, it has a lot of naughty words in it.  It would require a number of beeps.  The Boss thinks about playing it anyway, “What could happen?”  Oh…probably nothing.   We’re sure The FCC isn’t listening.  And according to the I-Man this morning, during his rant about the Fox Business Audience, there’s nobody watching either.

    THE YOUNG EMINEM AND HIS MOMS.  WE HAVE TO SAY, IF OUR MOTHER CUT OUR HAIR LIKE THAT, WE’D STOP SPEAKING TO HER TOO

     NOW WE KNOW WHY HE WEARS THE HAT…ALTHOUGH, IF HIS MOM REALLY LOOKED LIKE KIM BASINGER, HE MIGHT HAVE MADE UP WITH HER SOONER

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    AN AMAZING CLIP FROM ‘COMING BACK WITH WES MOORE’

    FEATURING VETERAN BRAD FARNSLEY’S STORY

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYprjQzizNA 

    Friday
    May092014

    El Viejo Maricon

    6:05:10 a.m. – “Johnny Manziel went through more bottles of water than they set out for the Marathon”.  The I-Man comments on Johnny Football’s LOOOOOOOONG wait to get picked…eventually, by the Cleveland Browns.  He went 22nd.  NOT FIRST.  That distinction went to some clown.  We mean, Clowney.  As in Jadeveon.  Who will be going to the Houston Texans.

    MANZIEL REACTS TO NOT EVEN MAKING THE TOP 20

    6:07:14 a.m. –  Imus says that ESPN’s NFL Draft Coverage, with Mel Kiper Jr. is the WORST PERSON ON TELEVISION.  And you can see how all the other hosts hate him.  We assume he’s still talking about Mel Kiper.

    MEL KIPER (R)

    WE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT HAPPENED WHEN EDDIE MUNSTER GREW UP

    6:12:24 a.m –  Apparently, the “I-Scalade” wouldn’t start this morning, so the I-Man had to take a cab to work while Brant went to get Jumper Cables.  It took a third of the time for the Boss to get to work this morning, probably because the driver didn’t go through New Jersey.  Imus remarked that on his way this morning, he saw streets he never saw before…with names like ‘Broadway’, ‘6th Avenue’ and ‘48th Street’.  It’s the first time he’s made the under two-mile trip without going across the George Washington Bridge.

    “MY FRIEND…WHY FOR YOU HAVE OXYGEN TANK?  YOU NOT GOING TO BLOW ME UP, YES?”

    6:35:07 a.m. – K.T. McFarland is here to discuss the situation in Nigeria.  She believes we should do something about the Boko Haram, but no ‘Boots on the ground.’   Of course, that still allows us to send a few F-18’s over there to bomb them back to the Stone Age.  Which would set them back to last Thursday.

    “ALPHA BRAVO…YOU ARE CLEAR TO FOXTROT UNCLE CHARLIE KILO THE TARGET”

    6:42:08 a.m. –  The I-Man asks K.T.  “Did Kissinger ever hit on you?”  Her terse reply:  “For the 50th time…NO!”  So…does that mean you hit on him?  Apparently, Hank was quite the ‘hound’.  We’ve heard some rumors that ‘Foreign Relations’ referred to him doing the nasty with and Golda Meir.

    “IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME, GOLDA.  BESIDES, YOU’RE A TAURUS, I’M A GEMINI

    …IT JUST WON’T WORK!”

    7:09:28 a.m. – Imus says that the fans made the Draft last night ‘Great’.  Um…wearing their Team Jerseys, sitting in Radio City Music Hall…watching the clock tick.  Great?  Tony says it was exciting, the same way watching the timer on the microwave as your popcorn pops is exciting.  Johnny Manziel had so many empty water bottles around him, he looked like he was sitting in a recycling bin.  There was a little excitement in the middle of the Draft, when we heard over the P.A.: “WILL THE OWNER OF A 1973 NOVA CUSTOMPLEASE REPORT TO SECURITY?  IT’S NOT BLOCKING ANYTHING, IT’S JUST A PIECE OF S#@& AND YOU’RE EMBARRASSING RADIO CITY.”

    675 GUYS JUMPED UP WHEN THEY HEARD THE ANNOUNCEMENT. 

    COINCIDENTALLY, THEY WERE ALL JETS FANS

    7:18:36 a.m  – The I-Man grills Lori Rothman about Mother’s Day.  After trying for about five minutes to get her to give a straight answer to his question, she finally reveals she doesn’t expect her family to do anything for her.  However, she knows they will acknowledge her Mother in Law.  From the tone of her voice, Imus can tell…there’s a problem there.  Not that he’d exploit that for the next year or so.  It’s clear Lori HATES her Mother in Law, and her Mother in Law isn’t that crazy about Lori either.  Which, we’re sure, makes life a nightmare for Mr. Rothman.  Yeah, that’s what every man wants.  To be caught in the crossfire between his Mama and his Baby Mama.  He’s either not gonna get any of his Mom’s Apple Pie…or any of his wife’s Sweet Cherry Pie.  One or the other.  Can’t be both.  Just a word to Mr. Rothman:  You might want to put a scoop of vanilla ice cream on that apple pie.  A la mode will make it taste so much better…which will help the bitterness of the fact that you won’t be getting laid anytime soon.

    LORI ROTHMAN.  DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A WOMAN WHO IS HAPPY WITH HER HUBBY?    DIDN’T THINK SO

    7:39:34 a.m. – Vinnie from Queens. Rob, inexplicably, begins speaking Spanish.  We’re not sure, but we think he called the I-Man “El Viejo Maricon”.  Which, we believe means ‘Beloved Wise Leader’

    A ‘VIEJO MARICON’.  LOOKS LIKE HE’S A ‘VERY WISE MAN’ INDEED

    8:12:10 a.m. – Dagen has a story about the ‘Barefoot Running’ craze, and the shoes that the craze spawned, which seems to defeat the purpose, because if you’re wearing shoes, you’re not barefoot, but apparently, these shoes are like five toe socks, which are based on the Native American Tribe Tarahumara.  Imus had a hard time remembering the name of the tribe, but he did purchase a pair of the barefoot running shoes.  It won’t be long before the I-Man will be running through the city barefoot…and bare-assed, being chased by his Home Care Aide.

    “COME BACK ‘ERE, MR. IMUS…YOU BE NEEDING TO TAKE YOUR DAMN MEDICINE!

    ME NOT KIDDING YOU NOW!”

    8:32:14 a.m. – Jenna Lee is on, and we would be professing our love and admiration for her, if it weren’t for the fact that she’s married to Leif Babin, Navy Seal, and she’s about to be his ‘Baby Mama’. Jenna doesn’t know what she’s having, but we know two things:  1- The baby will be GORGEOUS and 2- The baby will be able to crush walnuts in its’ butt crack before it’s out of diapers.  And NO CRIB can ever hold a Babin Baby, it could only hope to contain it.

    “YO!  C’MON, MAN, THROW A FEW MORE PLATES ON THIS BITCH!”

    8:34:14 a.m. – The I-Man hesitates to tell Jenna that…it looks like she’s “Put on a little weight”.  Wow.  You can’t put anything over on him.  One thing about Imus.  He thinks everybody is fat.

    “JESUS, MAHATMA!  HAVE A SALAD!”

    8:54:14 a.m. – Bismarck has taken off the I-Man’s makeup in preparation for his leaving for Texas, and his not wishing to appear like a Finnochio in front of all the Cowboys at Joe Beavers.  Unfortunately, he decides to go back on camera…without the buffer of cosmetic aid.

    THAT BISMARCK IS NOTHING SHORT OF AN ARTIST

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    A TRIBUTE TO ALL OF YOU MOTHERS OUT THERE

    ON BEHALF ON ALL THE RESPECTIVE FRUITS

    OF ALL YOUR RESPECTIVE LOINS

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOLxQGLJouI

    Thursday
    May082014

    NFL Draft Edition

    6:05:10 a.m. – Dagen reports that, yesterday, there thousands of ADULT MEN, a “Goulash of Losers”, caged up, all the way down 50th Street from Radio City to Rockefeller Plaza, waiting on line for admission bracelets for tonight’s NFL Draft.  Yes.  You heard right.  Grown men, waiting for hours, to get a ticket to watch NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announce some College Football Player’s name.  Not exactly backstage passes for a Springsteen, Billy Joel and David Bowie concert. 

    INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, BOTH THESE GUYS COULD ALSO BE FOUND AT THE STAR TREK CONVENTION DRESSED AS KLINGON STEELER FANS

    6:07:14 a.m. –  Rob was late again this morning, this time he woke up in time, he was just held up in traffic.  Well, Rob wasn’t actually ‘Robbed’, he was delayed because some moron didn’t know how to drive in the rain and caused an accident on the onramp to the Long Island Expressway, that had traffic backed up to…England.

    “I DARE SAY SOME DULL CHAP ON LONG ISLAND MUST’VE CAUSED THIS SNAFU.  I’D BETTER RING THE MISSUS AND TELL HER I’LL BE LATE FOR TEA AGAIN.”

    6:21:24 a.m –  Warner predicts that ‘Javadeon’ Clowney will be the first draft, and will be playing for the Houston Texans.  It’s Jadaveon.  But we understand that kind of mispronunciation.  But then he says that ‘Javadeon’ has already signed an endorsement deal with “Pee-yuma”.  Which, we believe, is the smellier version of the athletic shoe company ‘Puma’.

    THESE SHOES…REEK OF…WELL, POO.  WHICH IS WHY THEY CALL THEM ‘POO-MAS’

    6:23:07 a.m. – Imus says that, originally, the guest in the 8 O’Clock Hour was going to be Lanny Davis, the professional apologist.  They were, ostensibly going to talk about the Monica Lewinsky affair, although the I-Man said that when Mr. Davis asked what the topic of discussion would be, he told him it would be “The Proper Way to Construct Model Airplanes”, Gardening, and Quantum Theory.  Unfortunately, Lanny will NOT be appearing on the program this morning, as, he sniffed too much glue last night preparing the Model Airplane questions.

    LANNY DAVIS.  HE’S GOT A PROBLEM NOW.

    6:35:07 a.m. – Colonel Bill Cowan is on, live from Washington D.C., looking very Sean Connery with his black turtleneck and white beard.  He actually looks COOLER than Sean Connery, which is not an easy task for an ordinary human to do, although Colonel Cowan is not your ordinary human. 

    COWAN AND CONNERY.  COOL TO THE SECOND POWER

    6:55:08 a.m. –  The I-Man has a bandage on his cheek.  He says he was attacked and had to fight off six guys.  Which means he ran out of breath trying to run away.  It actually looks like he might have cut himself shaving, but we think the real deal is that Deirdre ‘Edie Brickelled’ him.  We just hope they don’t write a song about it. 

    HE SAYS HE “TRIPPED” ON HIS “OXYGEN HOSE” AND HIT HIS FACE ON THE “TANK”

    7:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man starts the top of the hour with the almost rhetorical question, “How much drama do you think is in Dwight Yoakum’s life?”  He’s going to be playing a Dwight song that the Boss believes might be ‘Autobiographical’.  If the song he’s going to play is the one with the Giraffes taking a shower in the waterfall…we’d say that’s quite a bit of drama.  If it weren’t for the fact that we’re relatively sure Dwight doesn’t shower.

     “I DON’T EVEN WASH MY HANDS.  I JUST PEED…IT’S ONLY SKIN…UNLESS YOU HOLD YOUR HAND IN FRONT OF YOUR PENIS…WHICH WOULD BE STUPID.”

    7:17:24 a.m  – “When you think of ugly people, you think of CNN”…this could very well be the I-Man ‘Line of the Day’.   It’s funny…because it’s so true.

    AT CNN, NOT JUST THE CAMPAIGN TURNED UGLY

    7:39:34 a.m. – It is a very contentious ‘Mensa Meeting’ this morning, with most of the friction occurring between Deirdre and Alan Colmes (What else is new?). The question was posed, “Would you have sex with a robot?”  We already know what Gunz’ answer will be.  He would hose warm mud if you held it in your hand.  He reveals that some of his girlfriends, actually check their Facebook pages during sex.  And a couple have been on the phone.  To old boyfriends.  Although, knowing the kind of girl Gunz would be able to date, she was probably calling Chinese Take Out.

    “…and a quart of Moo Goo Gai Pan, two orders of spare ribs, six egg rolls, and don’t forget the extra Duck Sauce.  You want anything, Gunz?”

    8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man provides some an incredibly valuable ‘Life Lesson’, sage wisdom, and salient advice:  “There’s no reason not to be happy.  If someone is making you unhappy, or a situation is making you unhappy…move on.”  The entire crew then quits.

    THE LATEST OFFERINGS IN THE IMUS ‘HEARTSOUNDS’ GREETING CARD LINE

    8:10:14 a.m. – The I-Man announces that there will be a bonus edition of ‘Vinnie From Queens’ this morning, to fill the void left by the absence of Lanny Davis.  He mentions that Mr. Davis was behind the A-Rod strategy.  How did that work out?   Well…let’s just say that A-Rod has been about as successful playing for the Yankees this year, as the Dry Cleaner was getting out that stain on the Blue Dress.

    “MR. RODRIGUEZ WON’T BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS…ABOUT THE STAIN ON HIS YANKEE PINSTRIPES…AND HE WON’T BE SIGNING THAT ROOKIE CARD”

    8:38:14 a.m. – The Bonus Edition of Vinnie From Queens, includes Tony, Rob, Connell, Bigfoot, Bernie, Gunz, Lou and the from the bagel cart outside who doesn’t speak English.  It’s an interesting segment, as we spend as much time talking about the Rodeo as we do the NFL Draft.  Rob, who doesn’t know a THING about Sports, said that he thought ‘Joe Beaver’ was going to go first to the Houston Texans.  It seemed like a safe bet to him.  Joe IS, after all, already a Texan.  Rob, obviously, is a moron.

    LAUGH ALL YOU WANT…JOE BEAVER WOULD BE A GREAT FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICK

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    IN HONOR OF THE NFL DRAFT, HERE’S THE CLASSIC SKETCH FROM THE CHAPPELLE SHOW:

    ‘The Racial Draft’

     

    http://vimeo.com/61499874 

    Wednesday
    May072014

    Dwarf-Napping

    6:05:10 a.m. – After going missing yesterday, our Business Reporter, Lori Rothman, is back, safe, and sound. Ashley Webster, however, is in custody, awaiting arraignment for ‘dwarf- napping’. One thing is for sure, Webster is in trouble because the guys in the joint won’t be happy with him. There’s nothing they hate more than pedophiles…except people who are cruel to midgets. You thought Ashley was sweating yesterday, today he’s sweating more than Bill Clinton at a cigar shop. We imagine Webster will learn what it’s like to be a midget in jail as he’ll be spending a lot of time on his knees.

    HYGIENE IS VERY IMPORTANT IN JAIL

    6:13:14 a.m. – Speaking of Monica Lewinsky  The I-Man responds to the news that Monica Lewinsky is writing a tell all for Vanity Fair. The Boss says that he has empathy for Ms. Lewinsky. That makes sense as both he, and Monica both got screwed by Bill Clinton.  Imus took one on the chin at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner…and Monica took two on the chin in the Oval Office.

    “OH GOD.  OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD.  ‘GO BABY?’  I’M GOING TO KILL THAT MOTHERF$%#ER”

    6:40:46 a.m. – I-Fave Stuart Varney is in this morning looking like they just let him out of Gitmo, wearing a wrinkled oxford shirt, Mom jeans, and boat shoes.  We’re not sure why Stuart is ‘Slumming’ this morning.  Maybe today is ‘REALLY  Casual Wednesday’, or maybe yesterday was ‘Sleep in a Dumpster Day’…or it’s just some British Tradition we’re not familiar with, where people show their disdain for others by dressing like a housewife on her way to buy a spatula at ‘Bed Bath & Beyond’.  He really looks like an idiot.

    STUART VARNEY.  A RATHER FETCHING LOOK, DON’T YOU THINK?

    6:43:11 a.m. – Varney is on to talk about…we THINK… how much the president sucks.  Or in other words, it’s Wednesday.  He weighs in on the Monica Lewinsky piece in Vanity Fair.  According to Stuart, it was Obama’s fault the whole affair went down…you should excuse the expression.  If Obama had only bought Bubba a humidor along with the box of cigars he gave him, none of this would’ve happened in the first place.

     THERE, BUT FOR THE GRACE OF A WOODEN BOX…

    7:07:35 a.m. -  Connell reads a report about former American Idol alum, Clay Aiken, who is running for Congress in North Carolina, and we predict a landslide write in vote for Ruben Studdard.  It seems Mr. Aiken is in a tight run-off with his Democratic Primary opponent, Keith Crisco. Somehow we get the impression that Aiken has been in a tight spot with Crisco before.

    CRISCO.  FAT IN THE CAN.  LIKE KIM KARDASHIAN

    7:23:15 a.m. – Warner reports that Michael Jordan claims he was a racist until he saw ‘Roots’.  Which, is somewhat confusing, as…it’s not like White People come off all that well in ‘Roots’.  If anything, Ed Asner’s character alone would be enough to make Donald Sterling hate White People.  Bernie suggests that “Maybe Tony should see it.”  But Tony didn’t really hate White People until 7:23:15 a.m. this morning.

    THAT CHEESEY BEARD AND PONYTAIL ARE ENOUGH TO MAKE

    DAVID DUKE HATE WHITE PEOPLE

    7:38:37 a.m. –  Blonde on Blonde or as we like to call it “Why are my testicles turtling?” is particularly contentious this morning.  The topic is, of course, Monica Lewinsky, and, if it were up to Deirdre, Bill Clinton would be castrated with a dull, rusty clam knife.  On the other hand, Lis, who represented the Democrats during the Impeachment proceedings, wonders where she can get Bubba’s number and a box of Macanudos.

    LIS WIEHL.  QUITE THE ‘CIGAR AFFICIANADO’.  ALTHOUGH SHE’S NEVER SMOKED ONE.

    8:07:26 a.m. – The I-Man and Warner are debating about whether Johnny Manziel will go first in the draft.  The Wolfman says it will be Jadeveon Clowney, the Defensive End from South Carolina.  The Boss says that if Johnny Football isn’t the number one draft pick, he’ll be really disappointed.  Just as he was when he found out he wasn’t Deirdre’s number one draft pick.  The only reason she married him was because Wolfman Jack was already dead.

    “I’M GOING TO FEED YOU AN ALL NATURAL, ORGANIC, VEGAN DIET, WOLFMAN!”                    “NOT IF THOSE SCORPIONS GET TO YOU FIRST!  IF I’M LYIN’ I’M DYIN’!”

    8:16:14 a.m. – Dagen talks about the Monet Painting that sold for 27 Million Dollars.  The I-Man remarks that “You can get something that looks better than that at one of those ‘Holiday Inn’ Art sales.”  That, or just pull the one off the wall in your room at the Motel 6.  We don’t know much about art, but we know what we like.  And it’s Velvet Elvis.  Or those Poker Playing Dogs.  Or those kids with the big eyes.

    MONET : 27 MILLION DOLLARS

    THE VELVET PAINTING OVER THE SOFA IN THE HACIENDA  AT

    THE IMUS RANCH FOR KIDS WITH CANCER: 24 MILLION DOLLARS.  A MUCH BETTER VALUE

    8:39:24 a.m. – Yet another I-Fave, Juan Williams is on, and he too, as everyone this morning, comments on the story of the day:  The Monica Lewinsky Affair.  The I-Man asks Juan if he thinks that the Clinton Camp is trying to change the narrative to suit their political agenda, in regards to the Benghazi situation.  When we get to thinking about it, we realize Monica and Hillary are really the same.  Monica blew Bubba, and Hillary blew Benghazi. 

    SISTERS. AT, OR UNDER, THE DESK.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    CHRIS ROCK PUTS THE WHOLE MONICA LEWINSKY AFFAIR IN PERSPECTIVE

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKi1ePbpi4c