6:05:00 A.M. – As you might suspect, the I-Man was very concerned about the Stock Market taking a tanking yesterday. He called his business manager people, The Andrews Brothers, and asked, “How much money did I lose?” Their Diplomatic answer? “Well, you made some, but you just gave some of it back.” He’s not interested in giving ANYTHING back. Connell, in an attempt to quell Imus’ annoyance with him because “He doesn’t know anything.” says that, as long as the Boss holds on for a couple of years, he’ll be alright. Quick Translation: …He’s f#cked.
NOT EXACTLY ‘BLACK MONDAY’…MORE LIKE ‘BROWN MONDAY’
6:08:56 A.M. – Imus shares with us one of the side effects of his alcoholic personality: “Whenever I order something online, I always order overnight delivery.” Sometimes, the shipping costs FIVE TIMES what the purchased item does. He says it’s because he fears he’s never gonna get it. Well…if you consider the above advice about ‘Holding on for a couple of years’…you could be right, I-Man.
IMUS SHOULD KEEP SHOPPING. EVEN THOUGH HE GOT THE GUM FOR 29 CENTS HE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET THE SHIPPING DOWN TO $14.99
6:15:44 A.M. – Despite the fact that he lost money, the I-Man says he is actually HAPPY that the Chinese are having financial problems. Well, not the Chinese PEOPLE, per se…but the country.
“DAMN YOU, IMUS! I AM MISERABLE!”
6:40:27 A.M. – Republican Pin Up Girl, and Alan Colmes Sister-In-Law, Monica Crowley, is on and the I-Man asks her if Trump is right. She says Trump’s right about everything. Maybe everything except choice of hair care products. Imus then asks if she believes that Trump could win the nomination. She says that when she was asked that very question on this program a few weeks ago, she thought it was preposterous…because he wasn’t serious…but now…she’s not so sure, especially because Trump appears that he’s actually TRYING to win. What a difference a few weeks makes. A few weeks ago if you asked us if the I-Man would still be here with us… But to his credit he’s also pretty serious…because he’s actually TRYING to live.
MONICA…POSING FOR THE TROOPS
7:09:37 A.M. – Connell reports that Vice President Joe Biden is considering a potential Presidential Run, and, apparently, has President Obama’s blessing to do so, leading the I-Man to observe: “Ol’ Grandma’s twisting slowly in the wind…”
THE ANSWER MY FRIEND…IS TWISTIN’ IN THE WIND…
7:22:44 A.M. – Chris Christie, apparently, had told Bernie, in person, that he would love to appear on the program again. Christie, you may recall, was the beneficiary of the I-Man’s dragging his fat ass across the Finish Line when he campaigned for Governor…resulting in his taking the oath of office in January of 2010. Of course, when Bernie attempted to book him…it was a no go. Bernard blames Christie’s ‘People’. The I-Man’s response? “He’s a fat liar.” Well…he’d pretty much be a ‘Fat’ everything. Fat Husband, Fat Father…Fat Sleeper…Fat Sitter….
…AND ON THE WAY TO THE DONUT SHOP
7:25:56 A.M. – Yancy, the Cumulus Engineer out in Texas, stops by this morning to make an attempt at fixing the hideous technical problems in the I-Man’s Brenham Studio. He calls ahead to say that he will be stopping at Starbucks on the way over, and asks the Boss if he’d like anything. OH MAN! “Iced Mocha…no whip!” Imus excitedly requests. And Yancy, indeed, does arrive, Frosty Venti Treat in hand. No Whip. As ordered. Why no whip? Because the I-Man is pretty ‘Whipped’ already.
HEY. YOU MISSED A SPOT. DON’T LET DEIRDRE SEE THAT…
7:39:45 A.M. – HOLLYWOOD & VINE, or, as we like to call it, One of these three ladies is not like the others. Riedel rails against the P.C. Epidemic on College Campuses, which has forced some Comedians to refuse working at them. There’s an actual boycott of schools, initiated by Headliners like Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Maher.
“…AND WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE ‘BLACK WIDOW SPIDER’…I’M SORRY, I MEAN, THE ‘RECENTLY BEREAVED ARACHNID OF ETHNIC MINORITY ORIGIN…”
7:40:08 A.M. – Imogen wants to take Josh Duggar, one of the Sanctimonious Stars of the Reality Series ’19 Kids and Counting’ to task, not just for the accusations of molesting family members, but now, because his was one of the names on the Ashley Madison Member List made public by hackers last week. Apparently, he had TWO separate accounts, with ‘Wish Lists’ for the kinds of things he was looking for from a mistress which included, among others, ‘Sensual Massage, “Extended Foreplay/Teasing, Bubble Bath for 2, Giving and Receiving Oral Sex, Sex Toys and…Cuddling.’ Wow. What a Romantic. He’s married…he’s just not a ‘Fanatic’ about it.
UM…JOSH? THAT’S GRINDR. NOT TINDER. GRINDR IS FOR GAY
…OH, NEVER MIND
7:45:16 A.M. – Deirdre is upset with Donald Trump for the way he is going after Megan Kelly. It seems that the Donald has broken the truce that Roger Ailes established. The D-Woman believes that Trump is trying to compensate for his “little penis”. We don’t know where she would get that idea. Just because a man wants to build really, really tall buildings and put his name on them doesn’t mean that….ok so he does have a small penis.
APPARENTLY, IN REAL LIFE? DONALD’S NOT SO ‘GRANDE’
8:07:34 A.M. – The I-Man is curious about Donald Trump, who, by the way, will be a guest on the program tomorrow morning. He wants to know how it benefits him to go after Megan Kelly. Maybe he just wants to hear her say his name. Repeatedly. Chastising him for being a…bad boy.
MEGYN WILL MAKE HIM BLEED FROM HIS…WHEREVER…
8:15:11 A.M. – Jeff Foxworthy is coming up. The I-Man mentions that Jeff hasn’t been on the program since back during the MSNBC days…in fact, he recalls that when he was fired, Foxworthy cancelled. Well…um…if you were fired and then he cancelled…that would indicate he’s NOT smarter than a 5th Grader.
FOXWORTHY DURING HIS HUMBLE BEGINNINGS ON ‘HEE HAW’
8:22:44 A.M. – ‘Crash’ is filling in for a vacationing Lou Rufino this week and next, and wants the crew to rate his performance on a scale of 1-10. Scale? Crash hasn’t seen the face of one in years…or, for that matter, his dick. Nevertheless, everyone gives the lad a solid B to B+, between 8 and 8.5.
CRASH MIGHT’VE DONE BETTER WITH THE RUSSIAN JUDGE, (CENTER )
HAD HE JUST BEEN ABLE TO STICK HIS LANDING
8:40:08 A.M. – The Aforementioned Jeff Foxworthy phones in. Wow. He’s Great. Waaaay better than Ron White. We never get tired of that ‘You Might Be A Redneck’ stuff.
FROM JEFF FOXWORTHY’S 25TH EDITION ‘YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK’ CALENDAR
VIDEO OF THE DAY
A COUPLE OF EXAMPLES THAT ILLUSTRATE
JUST WHY THE CHINESE ECONOMY