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    Thursday
    Oct312013

    The Coolest Guy in the Room

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   “Hey Warner, what time is Game Seven?”  The I-Man is being facetious.  There will be NO Game Seven, as the Red Sox won the World Series at home last night.  Warner’s record for prognostication is about as good as Baghdad Bob’s. 

    “IN MY OPINION, THE NEW YORK METS WILL GO ALL THE WAY THIS YEAR!”

    6:07:56 a.m. –  Incredibly, Imus is not feeling well this morning.  He wants some tea.  Some Bigelow Green Tea.  Because the all the other Green Teas taste like somebody peed in it.   Maybe it’s because it’s also made with the same water they use for the coffee.  The water from Bernard’s ‘Special Tap’.

    THIS IS WHAT THE NON-NATIVE AMERICANS REFER TO AS ‘TEA-PEE’

    6:11:34 a.m. –  Imus informs Bernie that he spoke with Kinky Friedman (The Future Commissioner of Agriculture for Texas) last night, and, the Kinkster, apparently, HATES Bernard.  He tells the I-man that 58% of the citizens in Texas support Kinky’s proposed mandate to legalize marijuana.  B was of the opinion that this was a misguided campaign platform, as Texas is a Red State, they should be vehemently opposed to such measures.  We hate to see ugliness like this taking place.  The I-Man, however, thrives on this type of friction.  Obviously, the Boss needs to smoke a joint and just mellow out.

     ONE OF THE 58% OF TEXANS WHO ARE EXTREMELY IN FAVOR OF POT BEING LEGALIZED

    6:15:12 a.m. –  Imus asks Carley if she knows anything about this Utah Murder Trial, where the Doctor is accused of killing his wife.  Carley gives the I-Man an update, using CNN .com as source material.   She also sees fit to call the “Alleged” Murderer a ‘Scumbag’.  The Boss tells her to just give him the facts and not editorialize.  And then wonders why she hasn’t gone to get his coffee yet.  We think she probably will use that word a couple more times this morning.

    CARLEY’S SECOND LEAST FAVORITE PERSON ON THE PLANET

    6:25:34 a.m. –  Lis Wiehl, the Harvard Educated, Brilliant Legal Mind, emails the I-Man, alleging that Carley doesn’t know what she’s talking about when it comes to the Utah Doctor murder case.    Lis provides a deep, insightful analysis of the trial, clearly trying to insinuate herself into the program as she won’t be part of the ‘Mensa Meeting’ this morning.  Imus has given Lis a Time Out, as her incessant yammering makes it difficult to hear Bernie’s brilliance.  Which gives you an idea of what the criteria are to be part of the Mensa Meeting on the Imus in the Morning Program.

     COUNSELOR WIEHL IS NOT HAPPY SHE HAS BEEN CUT FROM THE PANEL

    6:40:28 a.m. –  Mike Emmanuel is on to discuss yesterday’s Obama Care hearing with Kathleen Sibelius.  He does not, however, weigh in on the Utah Doctor Murder Case.   Which, given the highly inflammatory situation, is probably not a bad idea.

    THIS IS WHAT THE MIKE EMANUEL BLOW UP DOLL LOOKS LIKE

    7:05:45 a.m. –    Carley throws Lis under the bus.  Then gets in the driver’s seat, starts the engine and backs over her.  Five times.  Ms. Wiehl has now replaced a certain Radio Show Host as the number one position on her $#!+  List.  She advises the ‘Other Blonde’, to ‘Butt Out’.  It’s a full on ‘Girl Fight’.  All of a sudden, Imus is in a MUCH better mood.  There’s chum in the water, and fresh meat ready for the slaughter.

    CARLEY POSES WITH THE I-MAN ON SET

    7:07:22 a.m. –   Arthur Aidala, who, although is a Defense Attorney, is NO Joe Tacopina, phones in with his perspective on the Utah Doctor Murder Case.  He reminds us that the Defendant is BOTH a Doctor AND a Lawyer,  “What is he?  A showoff?.”   The dude is being tried for murder after finishing three years in prison for forging a marriage certificate for himself and his mistress…dated the day his wife was found dead in the tub.   This guy isn’t going to be part of the Mensa Meeting either.

    DOCTOR MACNEILL…HE’S GOING ‘ALL IN’

    7:15:57 a.m. –   Aidala hips us to the fact that Joe Tacopina has quoted the I-Man on his website.  “When you hire Joe Tacopina, it’s over!”    You can also get that phrase on a T-Shirt, Coffee Mug, Beer Koozie, Key Chain and Mouse Pad.  Joe’s not exploiting the endorsement…he’s just making a fortune off it.

    “YEAH, I’M SELLING T-SHIRTS.  YOU DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, RIGHT?”

    7:40:19 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting, all regaled in their Halloween Finery.   Deirdre is sporting a plunging neckline, some cool shades and gold ‘bling’:  a thick chain and one of those rings that stretches across all her knuckles.  She is a ‘Suburban Hooker’.   Gunz is wearing a cowboy hat, invoking the I-Man, if the I-Man was 11 years old and resembled Woody from Toy Story.  Bernard, characteristically, has a full on multicolored clown wig and red nose.   The only one NOT wearing a costume is Alan Colmes.  Ironic, in that, the rest of the year, he resembles the spawn of Zacherle and the Lon Chaney Junior Phantom of the Opera.

    COLMES WEARING HIS NEW CONTACTS

    8:04:33 a.m. –   Dr. Bill says he’s going to be dropping by the Imus office to get him some of that organic chocolate the D-Woman is going to be providing to all the little Trick or Treaters.  He informs us that he will be going as ‘Al Roker’.  We assume he’s already bought the turd costume.

    GREAT COSTUME, DR. BILL!  WE HATE YOU ALREADY.

    8:06:12 a.m. –   Bigfoot from Downtown!  Bowman gets an assist from Connell’s Benghazi story.   He’s surprisingly informative and up to speed on the news.  Which gives credence to the theory that Donuts ARE brain food.

    BIGFOOT’S VERSION OF A NUTRITIOUS BREAKFAST.  EAT A DOZEN OF THESE BEFORE YOU TAKE THE S.A.T.

    8:08:00 a.m. –   Connell does a story about New York raising the legal smoking age, and increasing the price of a pack of cigarettes to 10 bucks. Imus:  “They should ban smoking…period.” The Marlboro Man has spoken.

    THE I-MAN, BACK IN THE 80’S, LIGHTING UP (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    8:27:37 a.m. -  Imus is miffed that the Bigelow Tea people are paying Phil Simms a lot of money to endorse their product.  “Do you think that it makes any difference to people that Phil Simms drinks Bigelow?   The fact that I tell people it’s good makes a difference.”  The I-Man sure is one marketing genius.  Whose advice would YOU rather take about tea drinking?   A hunky, athletic, strikingly handsome, two time Super Bowl winning Quarterback, or a man who gets winded just trying to get up on stepstool?    We thought so. Advantage:  I-Man.

    NOT THE KIND OF ‘TEA’ BIGELOW SELLS.  BUT THE KIND KINKY FRIEDMAN WANTS TO LEGALIZE

    8:41:56 a.m. –   Leif Babin is on.  Imus makes the observation that Leif is always going to be the coolest man in the room.   Unless, of course, Mike Baker is also in the room…not that this eventuality will ever happen, because that’s just too much AWESOME for one room to contain.  We pause for a moment to reflect on our reactions to both Messrs. Baker and Babin…and begin to worry just a tad.  The Man Crush may have gone to the next level.  We’re actually ready to go to New Jersey and get married.

    “THAT BABIN IS H.O.T.  DREAMY….”

    9:02:37 a.m. –  The I-Man uses his iPhone ‘Speak It’ app during a horrible story during the local news.  He’s making the various digital voices say HIDEOUS things to and about us.  It’s like Stephen Hawking is drunk and trying to pick a fight.   (Not to be overconfident, but we think we could take him.)

    “YO…MAMA…SO…FAT…THE…BACK…OF…HER…NECK…LOOK…LIKE…A…PACK…  OF….FRANKS!”

    9:08:14 a.m. –  Bigfoot rolls some Benghazi footage, and the I-Man says it reminds him of the ‘Yule Log’ they play on Christmas Eve here on Local TV Station Channel 11.   We hate to admit he’s right, but we’re also a little bit concerned that he expects Santa to show up in a Libyan Army uniform and flak jacket.

    ST. NICK WITH A YOUNG LIBYAN TERRORIST

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    INSPIRED BY LEIF BABIN,

    WE OFFER THIS HUMBLE TRIBUTE

     TO THE ‘COOLEST GUY IN THE ROOM’

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YmamDema_o

     

    Wednesday
    Oct302013

    Texas For Kinky!

    6:05:00 a.m.  –  We begin the program with some exciting news:  Kinky Friedman is running for Texas’ Agriculture Commissioner!  He wants to make marijuana legal.   Now we know all of you who would support that kind of agenda probably only look at the pictures in this blog, but we need you to go to his website TEXASFORKINKY.COM and make a donation so that what you’re doing as you read this will no longer be unlawful in the Lone Star State.

    GO TO TEXASFORKINKY.COM AND MAKE IT A FINANCIAL PLEASURE FOR THE NEXT AGRICULTURE COMMISSIONER OF TEXAS (BY THE WAY, DESPITE THE KINKSTER’S POSITION ON THE CHRONIC…THAT’S NOT A JOINT, IT’S A CUBAN)

    6:07:56 a.m. – Warner points out that, in last night’s Miami Heat victory over Chicago, the Heat shot an astounding 51%.   The I-Man isn’t impressed.  He maintains the field goal percentage aspiration should be 100%.   It’s hard to argue with logic like that.  Because Imus will stab you.

    THIS IS THE REAL MIAMI HEAT. WELL, AT LEAST THEY’RE HOT. AND, BY THE WAY, JUST SO YOU KNOW,  YOU  HAVE A 0% CHANCE WITH ANY OF THEM

    6:15:12 a.m. – The I-Man has a cold.  See what happens when you leave the plastic bubble?

    “I DON’T FEEL WELL”   YEAH, WE KNOW.  WE KNOW.

    6:40:28 a.m. –   Mike Baker is on to talk about his new Travel Channel Show where he revisits some of America’s more favorite mysteries…D.B. Cooper, The Escape From Alcatraz, and the JFK Assassination.  According to Agent Baker, we don’t know where Frank Morris and the Anglin Brothers are, D.B. Cooper was probably pushed, and Kennedy was killed by Colonel Mustard on the Grassy Knoll with the Candlestick.

    YOU DON’T SEE HIM IN THE ZAPRUDER FILM, BUT ACCORDING TO MIKE BAKER, THIS IS THE FACE OF THE REAL ASSASSIN AT DEELEY PLAZA

    7:05:45 a.m. –  Imus talks about the ESPN ’30 -30’ about Jimmy Connors that aired last night. The I-Man concludes, “Connors claims he’s happy now, but we have to hope that he’s not,” referring to Connors being married to Patti McGuire, the former playboy playmate who in the Boss’ estimation has either “Had Botox or eaten a lot of cheeseburgers.”

    7:14:22 a.m. –   Dagen, in her business report, does a story about  Virgin America’s new Safety Video, which features music and dancing.  She maintains that it’s a great idea, as passengers would prefer ANYTHING over the ‘Odiferous people sitting next to you.”   McDowell, rocking a Dick Cavett style word.   (For you Scrabble players, it means ‘stinky’.)

    “ODIFEROUS” DOUBLE WORD SCORE? 

    DAGEN AUTOMATICALLY WINS THE GAME

    7:40:57 a.m. –Blonde on Blonde.  The antagonism reaches new, epic levels as the ladies debate the concept of ‘Halloween”.   Lis will be handing out 3 Musketeers, Starburst and Snickers Bars.  Deirdre, not a fan of giving ‘poison’ to the little costumed children, will be offering Dried Kale Pops and Tofu Nuggets, which will be disappointing to those Trick or Treaters who see the I-Man and will be expecting Beef Jerky.

    “KALE?  SNICKER PLEASE.  YOU CAN EXPECT YOUR APARTMENT TO GET EGGED, LADY.  BUT, FROM THE LOOKS OF IT, SEEMS LIKE SOMEBODY’S ALREADY DONE THAT TO YOUR GRANDPA”

    8:05:33 a.m. –   Tim McCarver is coming up, and is a lovely, elegant and honest man.  Imus recalls asking the Baseball and Broadcasting Legend if he dyed his hair.  McCarver was very forthcoming and revealed, that he did, in fact, but that’s not why they call him a ‘Color Commentator’.  Charles, on the other hand, would deny it even when presented with photographic evidence.  The I-Man doesn’t color his hair.  He doesn’t comb it either.  We’re relatively sure he doesn’t even wash it.  In fact, we’re starting to suspect that he’s bald and is wearing an Estelle Getty wig.

    THE I-MAN’S NEW PROMO PHOTO FOR FOX

    8:21:12 a.m. –   The I-Man implores everyone once again to support Richard Kinky ‘Big Dick’ Friedman’s campaign for Commissioner of Agriculture in Texas.  The i-man is in favor of Marijuana legalization, and, as he is closing on a new property in the state, plans on growing some pot his own damn self.  It will be organic, of course, and will be named  ‘Hargus’.   The I-Chronic will go down easy, and make you think you’re Jesus’ brother.

    “NA NA NA, SON!  THIS STUFF MAKES YOUR PEACHES FUZZY!”

    8:41:56 a.m. –   The Boss tries to coax I-Fave, Tim McCarver, out of retirement.  Conversely, Mr. McCarver tries to coax the I-Man INTO retirement.

    THE I-MAN AND HIS NEW FRIEND AT THE HOME.  HE SAYS HE DOESN’T WANT TO GO INTO THE HOME, BUT WYATT, DEIRDRE, AND HER NEW 25 YEAR OLD HUSBAND INSISTED

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    HERE WE PROVIDE WHAT VERY WELL MAY BE THE REASON WHY MCCARVER IS LEAVING THE BUSINESS:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wlx258D7OJY

     

     

    Tuesday
    Oct292013

    Put a Sock in it, Carl!

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   The I-Man HATES Halloween.  Probably because he spends the most of the year dodging people throwing Holy Water on him.

    “I THOUGHT ALL THE CROSSES WERE BECAUSE PEOPLE WANTED ME TO GIVE MY LIFE TO …JEEEE…ZUS!”

    6:17:56 a.m. –  Imus wonders if we can keep Carl Jeffers from hollering. 

    PUT A SOCK IN IT, CARL. THE I-MAN MAY BE DEAF, BUT HE’S REALLY NOT ALL THAT INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY

    6:35:12 a.m. –  Lou spent the better part of yesterday trying to locate the Elmo Buzz and the Eastside Bulldogs album, “S#!% Sandwich”, and after hearing two of the cuts off it, we’ve come to the conclusion that the title of the album is obviously a warning.   This discovery comes courtesy of our Sound Guy, (of all things) Trevor, who informs us that Todd Snider, the leader of ‘Elmo Buzz’, quit drinking right after they recorded the album.  Given the quality of the music…we think that decision may have been…premature.

    WAIT A MINUTE!  THAT ISN’T NUTELLA!

    7:15:34 a.m. –  Warner doesn’t want to bet a million imaginary dollars on the World Series or the rest of the regular season NFL games.  You know when you’re dealing with a man of integrity when he knows not to bet above his imaginary limit.

    WHAT WARNER’S LOST SO FAR

    7:22:57 a.m. – Warner reports a story about racing pigeons testing positive for performance enhancing substances.  This makes us postulate what a pigeon being confronted with doping allegations might actually look like.  “I swear, I thought my trainer was giving me B-12 shots!” One day the pigeon’s cooing, minding his own business, being fed peanuts by some old fart in the park, the next, he’s got a 22 inch chest, a wingspan like a condor, and he’s flying at Mach One.     

    THEY ALSO TESTED POSITIVE FOR COCAINE…NOTIHNG WORSE THAN A PIGEON WHO WON’T SHUT THE F#$K UP

    7:40:19 a.m. – Carl  Jeffers weighs in on the racial profiling at Barney’s.  The story is that two people were detained for SWB… ‘Shopping While Black’.  Carl can relate.  He’s been detained for ‘N S T F U W SH’   ‘Not shutting the f%$k up while shopping.’

    BARNEY’S WINDOW.  EVEN THE MANNEQUINS ARE ALL WHITE

    8:05:33 a.m. –   Imus mentions that there’s a new Starbuck’s in San Angelo Texas.  Problem is, it takes 20 minutes to go through the Drive Thru, because you have to explain everything to the Baristas.  “Um….I’m sorry sir, but...what is a ‘Black Eye’?”  “It’s what you’re gonna get if you don’t fix my effing coffee.”  There is more Starbucks controversy here in the studio  The I-Man is upset that he can’t retrieve his Starbucks Reward, he believes he’s due for some ‘free s#!&’.   Carley tries to explain to the multi-millionaire that he is still five stars short of the next free coffee.  He’s not happy.  WE’LL buy him the coffee if he’ll just SHUT THE HELL UP!

    5 MORE STARS…AND THEY’LL GIVE YOU A BLACK EYE, ALRIGHT

    8:11:12 a.m. –   Dr. Bill asks the I-Man if he’s running in the marathon.  Imus says that he is.  Bill says,  ‘I’m sure you’ll do it under four hours.’    Yeah, for the first half mile.  They won’t be using a stopwatch to calculate his time…they’ll be using a sundial.

    IT’S THURSDAY.  HE’S STILL IN BAY RIDGE, BROOKLYN

    8:17:56 a.m. –   Imus maintains he will never go to Olive Garden again.  He doesn’t like their attitude.  Besides, he doesn’t need them anymore.  He can get his real, authentic Italian food at IHOP.  That’s why they call it the ‘International’ House of Pancakes.

    “HEY NUNZIO!  SPIT IN THE MINESTRONE LIKE THIS! IT’S GOING TO THE I-MAN!”

    8:41:56 a.m. –   Bob Beckel is on, and clears up the mystery behind the Golf Pro he used to be married to.  Fortunately, it wasn’t Chi Chi Rodriguez, as we had initially suspected.

    APPARENTLY, ‘CHI CHI’ DIDN’T MEAN WHAT BECKEL ORIGINALLY THOUGHT IT DID

    9:11:37 a.m. –  Dagen reveals that Mike Baker, who will be on the I-Man’s very fine program tomorrow morning, will be a guest on her and Connell’s show today at 11 AM.  Imus asks what he’s going to talk about.  The NSA?  Obamacare?  Dagen doesn’t care, because Mike Baker is F.I.N.E.  HOT!  She just makes googly eyes at him, while Connell attempts to keep her from drooling on the desk.  Apparently, Ms. McDowell wouldn’t mind being water boarded by Agent Baker.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    AS IF YOU NEEDED YET ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE

    IHOP

    ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….WAIT FOR IT……………..

     

    DRUMROLL!

    STUFFED FRENCH TOAST!

    NOW TELL US THAT’S NOT LIVING THE DREAM.

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2Z6qyzc60M&feature=c4-overview&list=UUtuRdhByiHTXmAu4ia4s47A

    Monday
    Oct282013

    The I-Man Be Lovin Some I-Hop

    6:05:00 a.m.  –  Cody Ohl, Number Three Cowboy in the world won the match roping competition in San Angelo Texas this weekend…put an ass whuppin’ on the much younger, Number One in the World, Tuf Cooper.  Cody was on the ‘Horse of the Year’, while Tuf decided to ride a 25 year old, incontinent, deaf horse with Parkinson’s.   No wonder he lost.

    CODY (L) SHOWED THE KID, (R) THAT HE AIN’T ALL THAT ‘TUF’

    6:07:56 a.m. –  “IHOP is the greatest restaurant ever.”   The I-Man REALLY needs to get out of the house more often.  He’s quite a gourmand.  First it was The Olive Garden and Pizza Hut, now it’s the International House of Pancakes.  Which, by the way, doesn’t just serve pancakes.  They have “A Great Belgian Waffle…and hash browns…and there’s Cholula on the table!”  Yeah, Boss…you think that stuff is good…you should try their Veal Parmagiana and Beef Stroganoff. 

    WHERE’S THE BACON?  CHECK YOUR PANTS.

    6:15:12 a.m. –  On the topic of the NSA tapping Angela Merkel’s phone, the I-Man observes “World leaders are just like your friends.  As soon as you leave the room, they’re talking about you.”  “Oh my God, I can’t believe France is wearing a White Beret after Labor Day.”  Spain is just jealous.  Matador pants are NEVER in season.

    QUEL DOMMAGE!

    6:25:34 a.m. –  Warner ‘Got Jokes’ today.  Which, as we’re sure you’re aware, is NEVER a good thing.  He makes a pun at the expense of Cardinals’ pinch runner, Rookie Kolten Wong.  The Hawaiian lad got picked off, clinching the win for the Red Sox.  Warner’s take?  “He ran the Wong way.”   We told you it’s NEVER a good thing.

    EVEN IF HE HAD A TWIN BROTHER, ‘TWO WONGS WOULD NOT MAKE A WIGHT.’

    6:27:28 a.m. –  I-Man relates a story about the ‘Fat Bastard’ sitting behind him at the Rodeo.  The Boss counted the dude drinking TWENTY TWO BEERS.  And smoked the whole time.  Of course, Deirdre was thrilled with this behavior, which caused Imus to confront the dude and tell the Morbidly Obese Drunk that he was going to shove those cigarettes where the sun don’t shine.  Oh, by the way, this all happened in an alternate universe.  Apparently, Imus cut the Pesky Porker some slack because “He had a great laugh.”   Well, you know what they say…fat people are jolly.  Especially when they’re $#!&faced.

    HAVE ANOTHER ONE, TINY, YOU HAVEN’T PEED YOURSELF YET

    6:40:22 a.m. –  The Great Bo Dietl is on, and is about to bust a blood vessel, which would make those new stents he had put in his heart a moot point.  He’s exorcised because he believes the President is watching him on TV.  We think our favorite Super Cop is having a Paranoiditation Delusionalization Situation.  Obama is not watching him.   His dog is.  Because every time he hears the word ‘BO’, he thinks they’re talking about HIM.

    “IS THAT OLD LESBIAN SAYING MY NAME? BECAUSE, I’M ABOUT TO TAKE A CRAPITATION SITUATION ON THE LAWN”

    7:05:45 a.m. –  Roy Cooper, he himself an 8 time world champion calf roper, and father of Tuf Cooper, the current reigning world champion…was wearing Mom Jeans.    The I-Man says it looked like Roy was wearing a diaper.  We know.  We know.

    ROY.  SAY IT AIN’T SO, DUDE!

    7:22:57 a.m. – Imus reveals that he was sitting in front of the fat, beer swilling smoking dude…while he was using his oxygen tank.  There was a Wile E. Coyote, Roadrunner style Mushroom Cloud waiting to happen. 

    BETWEEN THE FAT BASTARD’S SMOKING, HIS BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL AND THE OXYGEN TANK, THE I-MAN ALMOST WOUND UP LIKE THIS

    7:40:19 a.m. – Christopher, ‘Mad Dog’ Russo is on, discussing the firing of  Dino Costa, one of the Broadcasters on his Sirius ‘Mad Dog Radio’ Channel.  Apparently, Mr. Costa was an egomaniac who bad mouthed the company for not giving him a raise.  At least Dino knows how to pronounce ‘Darth Vader’.

    RUSSO INVOKING THE NAME OF THE ‘DARK LORD’ FROM STAR WARS…IS LIKE TOM BROKAW TRYING TO READ A LIMERICK ABOUT ‘LOUIS L’AMOUR’

    8:05:33 a.m. –   We’ve been looking for a song by ‘Elmo Bush’.  Elmo Bush?  From what we know about Elmo…apparently, he doesn’t like ‘Bush’.  Which is one of the reasons why he’s being sued.  The I-Man means Elmo Buzz.  

    TODD SNIDER AND ELMO BUZZ AND THE EASTSIDE BULLDOGS.  THEIR LATEST ALBUM IS TITLED ‘S#!* SANDWICH’.  INDEED.

    8:12:12 a.m. –   The I-Man always tips well.  This weekend, at the International House of Pancakes, he gave the waiter a hundred dollars for a 19 dollar bill and told him to ‘Keep the change.’   That’s how he rolls. Like a movie star. The waiter burst into tears, and for the rest of the day, told everyone he had waited on Helen Hayes.

    A 500% TIP…ONE OF THE MANY REASONS WHY THE I-MAN IS A LEGEND.

    8:15:56 a.m. –   Imus reads a Chamonix spot, for their eye cream, so the womens don’t have to have them ‘Chuck Hagel’ bags under their peepers, and there’s a letter from a satisfied customer who says Chamonix got rid of her bags…and the I-Man muses that “Too bad it can’t do anything for that fat ass you got.”   He advises George Faltaous, the head of Chamonix to come up with some ‘Fat Ass Cream’.   He calls it “Big Butt Butter”.   They are going to make a BILLION dollars.

     

    8:41:56 a.m. –   Anthony Mason from CBS News talks music with the I-Man.  Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix are the topics of discussion.  Imus informs Mr. Mason that Jimi used to play guitar for Little Richard.  And interestingly enough, Little Richard is the only one in Rock n’ Roll who DIDN’T have sex with Janis Joplin.

    JANIS JOPLIN?  SHUT UP!

    9:11:37 a.m. –  Imus has some advice for those who come up to him at the rodeo to give him a copy of their book, hoping he will do something with it.  He will do something with it.  He will throw it the hell out.  He’s kind of like the literary version of a drug dealer.  He doesn’t read books.  He just sells books.

    “YO YO.  CHECK IT OUT.  HUCKLEBERRY FINN.  DON’T READ IT ALL AT ONCE…SAVE SOME FOR LATER.  IT’LL HIT YOU HARD.  ESPECIALLY THE PART WHERE THEY GO DOWN THE RIVER…”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN HONOR OF THE NEARLY FATAL, COYOTE/ROADRUNNER STYLE ACCIDENT THAT MIGHT HAVE TRANSPIRED AT THE RODEO WITH THE SMOKING DRUNK BASTARD AND IMUS’ OXYGEN TANK, WE OFFER THE FAMILY GUY’S TAKE ON THE CLASSIC RIVALRY BETWEEN THE ‘CANIS LATRANS’ AND THE’GEOCOCCYX CALIFORNIANUS’

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bj78yCaumpc

    Thursday
    Oct242013

    Kevin Magee From Downtown!

    6:05:00 a.m.  - Imus is going to San Angelo, Texas this morning, and we wonder if his choice of wardrobe today is somehow connected to the trip.  He is resplendent in a crisply pressed, pristine white shirt.  We surmise that in addition to the Rodeos Wyatt will compete in this weekend, the I-Man will be baptized in the Concho River.

    “DO YOU BELIEVE IN JESUS?  GOOD.  BECAUSE YOU’RE ABOUT TO SEE HIM.”

    6:15:12 a.m. –  The I-Man hips us to Jimmy Reed’s recording sessions.  “Did you know that on a lot of Jimmy Reed records, his sister beat on a box?”  We are hoping that it was to provide percussion in lieu of a drumset.    We’d hate to think she was that lonely.

    “GIRL? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN’?”

    6:40:28 a.m. –  Stuart Varney is on to talk about Obamacare…and it’s clear he’s an opponent of Socialized Medicine.  Which is ironic, given his British Citizenship.  The difference over there is…they obviously don’t have a dental plan.

    A YOUNG STUART VARNEY IN PICCADILLY CIRCUS.  YEAH, BABY!

    7:05:57 a.m. –  Imus relates that every time he hears somebody calls their radio show… ‘Whoever…In The Morning’, he gets irritated.  He says he realizes that, he’s a legend and a genius and should be above that type of thinking, but yet, he’s still annoyed by the biting of his style.  When we point out that ‘Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery’, he says “Well then, Wolfman Jack must be VERY flattered.”  

    ROBERT WESTON SMITH.  IF HE’S LYIN’ HE’S DYIN’. HE MUST’VE LIED.

    BUT HIS ACT IS ALIVE AND WELL ON WABC RADIO AND FOX BUSINESS TV

    7:15:11 a.m. – Dagen’s Business Report is about the actor who was just hired to replace ‘Sons of Anarchy’ star Charlie Hunnam.  In her and Carley’s estimations, Jamie Dornan is not as ‘hot’ as Charlie Hunnam.  Carley goes so far to suggest that Hunnam is ‘Out of this world hot.’   Dagen advises Carley to “Keep that image in the back of your head in case you ever need it.”   Imus now feels dirty.  So do we.  And we LOVE it.

    4%                                                       94%

    HOTNESS FACTOR ACCORDING TO THE ‘MCDOWELL, SHIMKUS SCALE’

    2% ‘UNDECIDED’ (LESBIANS)

    7:40:19 a.m. –  Mensa Meeting.  The new Quintuplet Incarnation, including Lis Wiehl, so it’s Blonde and Blonde Mensa Meeting.  It’s ‘Blensa on Blensa’ Gunz sits smack dab in the middle of Deirdre and the aforementioned Lis.   We hope when he gets up from the panel, he does so off camera…as he will DEFINITELY be sporting ‘BOB Wood.’

    GUNZ HAS CHANGED QUITE A BIT SINCE HE STARTED APPEARING ON THE ‘MENSA MEETING’

    8:05:33 a.m. –   Back in Palmdale, when he first got his start in radio, and was doing L.S.D. every day and paranoid about EVERYTHING, the I-man didn’t want to use his real name, and so he called himself ‘Captain Don’.   

    CAPTAIN BEEFHEART…THE INSPIRATION FOR ‘CAPTAIN DON’.  IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE…IT COULD’VE BEEN ‘COLONEL SANDERS’

    8:15:12 a.m. –   Connell reports on Joe Biden talking about the mental illness component of Obama Care.  “Great Spokesperson for mental illness” the I-Man observes.

    “THEY WANT ME TO GO…WHERE?  THEY WANT ME TO DO…WHAT?  CALL THE GUY WITH THE KEY!  I’M READY!!!”

    8:25:35 a.m. –   The Boss reads a spot for ‘E-Creamery’, a sponsor that offers a ‘Make Your Own Flavor’ of Ice Cream online.  I-Man notes that ‘E – Creamery’  ‘Sounds like a Porn Site.’   Fat Elvis is of the mind that anyplace where you can make Ice Cream Online IS a Porn Site.

    ONE THING’S FOR SURE…YOU JUST KNOW THIS FLAVOR HAS BACON, PEANUT BUTTER, BANANAS AND MARSHMALLOW FLUFF

    8:41:56 a.m. –   The GREAT Dick Cavett, who is officially, one of the most charming and interesting people on the planet, is here.  He tells half the famous Marlon Brando story.  The other half involves a woman fan, who offered her ‘services’ free of charge, to both Mr. Cavett and ‘Marlon’ (As Sir Richard calls him) to which, Dick said… “Thanks…but I’d like to finish my soup.”  

    F#$% THAT DOS EQUIS DRINKING MORON.  DICK CAVETT IS THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD

    9:05:37 a.m. –  Kevin Magee from ‘Downtown’.  He sends Imus an email, of which, the subject line is “Wardrobe”.   “You have your shirt open so far that 1- You must be playing the lounge at the Bellagio, 2- You want to make it easier for Connell to apply the paddles.  Colonel Sanders hasn’t seen that much Chicken Flesh.”   That’s hurtful, Kevin.  But REALLLLLY funny!

    CLOSEUP OF THE I-MAN’S EXPOSED CHEST (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE GREAT DICK CAVETT, INTERVIEWING MARLON BRANDO

    (ALL SIX CLIPS WILL PLAY AUTOMATICALLY IN SUCCESSION SO YOU CAN WATCH THE ENTIRE INTERVIEW.  TRUST US, IT’S WORTH THE 60 MINUTE INVESTMENT)

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAPDQ5MlLxE&list=PL9FBFF645D345E1A5