6:05:10 a.m. – Ed Henry, White House Correspondent for Fox News has graciously phoned in to bring us up to speed with the Malaysian Air Crash caused by a Ukrainian Separatists’ Missile, and Israel launching a ground invasion in Gaza. To quote Barry McGuire , “The eastern world it is explodin’ Violence flarin', bullets loadin'” We DO believe we’re on the Eve of Destruction. So have a cigarette, a couple shots of Tequila, call your Coke Dealer and get yourself some Hookers. If you’re gonna go out, go out 80’s I-Man style. While you’re at it, order a bunch of s#!+ from Amazon and rent 1000 pay per views. It’s not like you’ll be around to pay for ‘em anyway.
6:07:14 a.m. – Imus gives a Shout Out to Harry Tucker, his former engineer at WNBC, who is retiring today after 44 years of service. (It was actually only 24, but 10 of those were ‘Imus Years’ which count as double.) Harry’s duties as board op was to engineer the program, play the music, make sure the spots ran, and make sure that when the I-Man was unconscious, he was face down so he wouldn’t choke on his own vomit. Not too many people know this, but Harry used to play old clips of Imus…to substitute for the unable to stand, sit or speak Imus…and NOBODY was any the wiser. Thanks to Harry for giving us the blueprint for how to do the program when the Boss has ‘retired’.
HARRY TUCKER, ON HIS FIRST DAY WITH IMUS
HARRY TUCKER, AFTER HIS SECOND DAY WITH IMUS, TAKING A WALK ON THE GROUNDS OF THE SANITARIUM
6:08:06 a.m. – The Boss relates the story about Harry ‘Dragging’ him to his son’s Bar Mitzvah, which Harry saw fit to hold on the opening day of the NFL Season, and so Imus sat through the ceremony with a portable TV. And as the congregation heard something akin to this: “Baruch aah eloheinu melech…THROW THE BALL! THROW THE f%$#IN’ BALL YOU A@#HOLE!” Imus says he was sweating in the Temple because of the lack of air conditioning…we believe it had more to do with the fact that like Satan, Imus would be sweating in ANY house of worship.
“TODAY, I AM A MAN…AND THE GIANTS ARE LEADING THE PACKERS, 17 TO 10”
6:40:08 a.m. – Laura Ingraham is on, and the I-Man asks her if she’s related to Dan Ingram. Aside from the fact that their last names are spelled differently, the question reeks of those when a white guy meets a black person and finds out he lives in the same town as a black friend of his, and wonders if they know each other.
LAURA & DAN. OH YEAH, YOU CAN DEFINITELY SEE THE FAMILY RESEMBLANCE
6:48:21 a.m. – We were hoping that Laura wouldn’t finish her interview without treating us to one of her ‘Impressions’, and, lucky us, she leaves us with her ‘Janet Napolitano’. How do we know it was Janet Napolitano? She told us.
INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, JANET DOES A KILLER LAURA INGRAHAM IMPRESSION, WHICH INVOLVES HER FLOODING HER EX-BOYFRIEND’S APARTMENT, AND THEN DOING A SCATHING ‘HILLARY CLINTON’ IMPRESSION
7:05:28 a.m. – K.T. McFarland makes an appearance, as it’s times like these that she literally LIVES for. She gives some incisive perspective not only on the Malaysian Jet that was shot down, but on the Israeli – Palestinian situation, which in her expert opinion is… ‘Bad’. We’re not all that well-versed in such technical terminology, but we trust she knows what she’s talking about.
“THIS IS MY RIFLE, THIS IS MY GUN…THIS IS FOR FIGHTING, AND THIS IS FOR STICKING IN YOUR FACE WHEN I DON’T LIKE THE WAY YOU’RE LOOKING AT ME.”
7:19:42 a.m – Dagen’s Business report involves a story in which Fed Ex has been indicted on drug-trafficking charges that allege the shipping conspired to deliver drugs for illegal Internet Pharmacies. Well, they DO get your drugs to you overnight. Cialis may give you 72 hours, but your old lady might not. You don’t want to be waiting on U.P.S. Ground.
7:38:24 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS ! A question tailor-made for Nat, ‘Will the Mets Win 90 Games?’ According to Stage Manager Candido, “The All-Star Break is traditionally considered the ‘Half-Way’ point in the Major League Baseball Season, and how many games have the Mets won up until now? 45. What’s half of 90? 45.” We didn’t know that there was going to be Math Questions on this test. All we know is, at the beginning of the Season, the Mets’ ‘Magic Number was 162.
IF THE TEAM DOES, IN FACT, WIN 90 GAMES, ‘MRS. MET’ MIGHT ACTUALLY GIVE ‘MR. MET’ SOME ‘RAWHIDE’ AND HE WON’T HAVE TO ‘KNUCKLEBALL’ HIMSELF…OR, FOR THAT MATTER, CRUISE THE CONCESSION LEVEL FOR SOME ‘FURRIES’
“SO UH…DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?”
7:42:16a.m. – Alexis Bloomer, the lovely daughter of Randy Bloomer, (Of Bloomer Trailers) is visiting the control room, and the I-Man thinks she might be a good match for Gunz. It’s a millisecond before he and the entire panel, (Except of course, for Gunz) realize that, not only does he not have a shot at Alexis Bloomer…he’s got NO shot at anything WEARING Bloomers.
THE VERY LOVELY AND TALENTED MISS ALEXIS BLOOMER
8:06:32 a.m. – Imus gets a song sent to him by Sam Moore’s wife, Joyce. It’s Nu Blu and Sam, with a new version of Lance Miller’s ‘George Jones and Jesus’. He plays it off his iPhone into the microphone, then has Lou play the original version, which leads us to believe that the late, great George is the lucky one, as he didn’t have to hear either of them, due to the fact that…well, Ol’ Possum ‘Stopped Loving ANYTHING Since April 2013’ JESUS would never allow George to sit through it. I-Man says that the problem with songs like this, is that he “Remembers all this stuff: Of course, he means the original song, although, at first, we think he means he remembers Jesus. “I was down there at the Railroad Depot when the boy got kilt! I said ‘Don’t you go downtown messin’ with them Jews ‘less you got some MONEY in your pocket!”
8:28:14 a.m. – Imus relates that this ‘Nu Blu’ group is a ‘Bluegrass’ group, and ‘Bluegrass’ is the kind of music listened to, and played by, the inbred…you know, when ‘Relations have relations’… ‘The Game the Whole Family Can Play’. Lou eventually downloads the song, and, we have to say, now that we are hearing it in true high fidelity, and not through an iPhone speaker…it still sucks. Probably because it’s not a ‘cover’, it’s an entirely different song using the conceit originally created by Lance Miller…called ‘Jones & Jesus’. He’s upset that the inbred Goobers got poor ol’ Sam Moore involved in all of this. Then Dagen relates that George Jones HIMSELF wrote a song called ‘Me and Jesus’…which just proves our theory that there’s only three original country songs in existence…the rest are all ripoffs.
JIM CARREY STARRING IN ‘THE GEORGE JONES STORY’
(DESPITE THE RUMORS, JIM DOES NOT HAVE POSSUM SING OUT OF HIS BUTT)
8:34:23 a.m. – Bernie plays a clip of MSNBC’s Krystal Ball interviewing an ‘Eyewitness’ to the bombing of the Malaysian Plane…who maintains that it was knocked out of the sky by ‘Wind from Howard Stern’s Ass.’ She then goes on to elaborate on the likelihood of the missile being fired from the ground…prompting the ‘Expert’ to say, “Boy, you really are a dumbass.” Of course, now she knows who fired the missile: Bababooey. But our takeaway from this tragedy is, if your last name is ‘Ball’, you shouldn’t be naming your kids ‘Krystal’, or, for that matter, ‘Harry’.
8:41:14 a.m. – Lt. Colonel Bill Cowan is on, and the I-Man begins the interview with a laser sharp question: “So uh…what’s going on in Israel?” Well, it’s 8:42 a.m. here, so, we guess, they’re going to the Lowenfeld Bar Mitzvah after lunch. LTC Cowan is the kind of guy who SHOULD be air dropped over there, because within about 8 minutes, there would be Peace in the Middle East, as both the Israelis and the Palestinians would be too awestruck to shoot at each other, let alone run the risk of catching him in the crossfire. Because it would only make him…angry.
THE LIEUTENANT COLONEL…AND HIS PENIS
VIDEO OF THE DAY
AS A TRIBUTE TO OUR OLD PAL, HARRY TUCKER,
(WHO YOU CAN SEE IN THIS CLIP, DUTIFULLY OPERATING THE BOARD)
WE HUMBLY OFFER:
A RARE LOOK AT THE MAGIC OF THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM, RECORDED IN 1984 AND AIRED IN 1985 ON ONE OF THE THREE DAYS THE I-MAN WAS ACTUALLY AT WORK
(WITH BONUS FOOTAGE OF AN 11 YEAR OLD MIKE LUPICA, WOLFMAN JACK, AND THE I-MAN ON VH1!!!)