6:05:00 a.m. – The I-Man went to the Dentist yesterday, and had a tooth pulled in preparation for an implant that required a painful injection and stitches…and when he asked what he was going to get for pain as he healed, he was informed he should take Tylenol. TYLENOL? What the hell is this Dentist thinking? The Vicodin was the reason why Imus broke off the tooth with a pair of pliers in the first place.
“HEY…LET’S GET THAT SCRIP PAD CRANKIN’ DOC, BEFORE I RUN OUT OF TEETH”
6:09:56 a.m. – Imus is not the only one in pain this morning. Our Colleague, Diane Macedo, just had foot surgery…and she has pain meds. And a boot. And a cane. The I-Man offers her his walker in exchange for a handful of pills. She declines and holds out for the Little Rascal Scooter and Oxygen tank.
YOU’D HAVE TO TAKE A LOT OF VICODIN TO GET THE IMAGE OF THIS GNARLY HOOF OUT OF YOUR MIND
6:20:12 a.m. – The Boss announces that he is building a Roping Arena in his new Ranch at Oak Hill Texas. He is looking for a contractor to do so…and is “Not interested in getting ripped off.” We don’t know why he would think he is prone to getting screwed…even though the garage just charged him 300 dollars for new pair of wiper blades.
“YEAH, THE NAILS ARE 200 BUCKS APIECE…YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?”
6:40:34 a.m. – Gordon Chang is on to discuss tensions in China. Really? What’s next? Harvey Fierstein to discuss unrest between contestants on Ru Paul’s ‘Drag Race’? Apparently, Mr. Chang’s expertise is in foreign affairs. Big deal. So is Dennis Rodman’s.
CHANG AND RODMAN: WHO HAS THE GREATEST INFLUENCE?
7:06:12 a.m. – Neil Cavuto stops by to ask when he should arrive at the Imus Household for the big Tofurkey Dinner. Surely he is being facetious. He just wants a good vantage point to see the parade. Either that, or he wants to take a surreptitious phone camera photo of the Boss, in his bathrobe, causing the ‘Precipitation’ emanating from the terrace.
“I DON’T KNOW WHY IT’S ONLY RAINING ON THIS BLOCK…ON THIS SPOT”
7:12:24 a.m. – Lis Wiehl is still on the D.L. list. “She claims she has a cracked knee.” The I-Man suggests that she may be over-selling her malady. That may be true, but in her case, it worked…she got Vicodin too. Enjoy that Tylenol, Imus.
YEAH, LIS IS DEFINITELY LYING.
7:18:36 a.m. – Jesus is Imus deaf. You scream ‘GOOD MORNING!!!’ and you get a ‘WHAT???’ You mutter under your breath ‘You deaf old bastard…’ THAT he hears.
“HEY BOZO! KEEP IT DOWN! I’M TRYING TO THINK!”
7:40:22 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde. Imogen Lloyd Weber is back, and one of the topics concerns men regretting not having more sex with different partners prior to marriage. Deidre regrets the same thing. We suppose that’s why she’s making up for that now. NOBODY takes that many Tennis Lessons…and STILL can’t play.
“TO ME, MY DEAR, ‘LOVE’ MEANS NOTHING…”
8:05:10 a.m. – Imus’ Dentist, Dr. Cho, just doesn’t get it. The I-Man is not all that adept at tolerating pain. He missed two weeks of school one year after suffering a particularly painful Wet Willie.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE SUFFERED MASSIVE HEAD WOUNDS, HERE IS THE ‘HOW TO’ ON GIVING ‘WET WILLIES’
8:17:37 a.m. – Dagen reports on a killer deal at Starbucks, this Black Friday. For 65 bucks, you can get a steel tumbler that will allow you to get free coffee every day for the month of January. Carley is thrilled to learn that she will have the opportunity to go right back into the 40 MPH wind and driving rain so that the I-Man can get 31 cups of espresso for less than 2 bucks apiece. Conversely, the doctor bill from the flu she will no doubt contract by going outside again in this weather will work out to about 186 Months worth of espresso.
65 BUCKS? FOR COFFEE? NEXT THING YOU’RE GOING TO TELL US, IT’S 300 BUCKS TO CHANGE YOUR WIPER BLADES
8:38:16 a.m. – I-Man tells a touching story about the human need to love and BE loved, and says that, unfortunately, for a lot of womens, there are not many available mens. “They’re either married…gay…or Gunz.” Well, two out of three ain’t bad. We know a lot of women who are married to gay guys. Gunz, on the other hand, faces a tragic life of spending every holiday…alone.
“DESPITE THE FACT THAT MY HUSBAND IS GAY…WE STILL HAVE A VERY ACTIVE SEX LIFE. HE JUST MAKES ME TURN AROUND. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IT’S STILL BETTER THAN BEING WITH GUNZ.”
8:40:16 a.m. – Chris, ‘Mad Dog’ Russo is on to explain why he threw his former partner, Mike Francesa, under the bus for giving that suck up interview to A-Rod. Our hats are off to the Dog. It’s not that easy to do. Most busses would not be able to drive over Francesa. In fact, most busses don’t have enough gas to even drive around him.
“WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND…I DID NOT GIVE A-ROD SOFTBALL QUESTIONS…”
9:06: 44 a.m. – Warner shares with us that he did a ‘Zip Line’ once in the Alaskan Snow. Imus has not done a ‘Zip Line’. But he HAS done MANY lines…OF ‘Snow’. Just one of the reasons why our staff is so close. We have SO much in common.
“COME AWN! I’M ABOUT TO CRASH INTO THE FAIR POLE!”
9:22:44a.m. – After some discussion about Alec Baldwin’s apparent tirade at MSNBC, in which he screamed about having a humidifier put in the makeup room, after being told that wouldn’t be possible as one of the makeup artists who worked in that room suffered from Cancer, (“I don’t care who F&*%$ing has Cancer!” ) The I-Man offers his take on the situation: “Why is it such a crime to demand a humidifier?” Nice Takeaway from that story, I-Man.
IF ‘DOUCHERY’ HAS A FACE…THIS IS THAT FACE.
VIDEO OF THE DAY
IN HONOR OF ALL OF YOU WHO ARE STRUGGLING TO GET HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS IN THIS HIDEOUS WEATHER, WE OFFER A FEW CLASSIC SCENES FROM THE QUINTESSENTIAL THANKSGIVING MOVIE:
“PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES”