6:05:00 a.m. – The I-Man is here today, despite the fact that he’s ‘Sicker than 11 dogs…which is up from 9 Canines on Monday, even though it got to 57 towards the end of the program. We think those were probably Yorkies and Poodles. The 11 today are Great Pyrenees. That’s a BIG ASS dog. The only reason he is here is because he loves Stuart Varney, Neil Cavuto and the Blondes. So he’s the one. Who likes Stuart Varney, that is.
THE BOSS GOT OUT OF BED…FOR THIS?
6:14:56 a.m. – Lots to talk about today, but the story that appears to trump all others is the Toronto ‘Crack’ Mayor, who said the only reason he smoked the rock was because he was ‘In a drunken stupor’. In a related story, the only reason he was in a drunken stupor was because he was ‘High on Crack’.
MAYBE HE SHOULD TRY ‘CRACK LITE’ IT’S A THIRD LESS ‘FILLING’
6:15:12 a.m. – Imus talks about the Richie Incognito situation. (And by the way, what name does he use when he’s…you know…incognito?) Miami Coach, (And Bernard McGuirk LookAlike) Joe Philbin has a weak excuse as to why the player abuse took place. “Joe Philbin is the Terry McCauliffe of Football” For those not familiar with Terry McCauliffe, he’s the OJ Simpson of Governors. Therefore…Joe Philbin is only one White Bronco, a dirty glove and bloody glove away from being OJ Simpson. Which then, of course, makes Richie Incognito Kato Kaelin.
IF INCOGNITO IS A S#8%, YOU MUST ACQUIT…
6:25:34 a.m. – Bernard (The Joe Philbin Lookalike) has a tragic story about an 86 year old lady, Joy Johnson, who ran the marathon this past Sunday, and died later that afternoon in her sleep. Of course, she had been interviewed by Al Roker as she crossed the finish line. We hope you’re happy Al. You killed that poor woman. J’accuse!
MARATHON RUNNER MURDERER… AND HE POOPED HIS PANTS.
6:40:28 a.m. – Stuart Varney is on. Imus asks him if he’s a citizen. He is not. Not of the United States, at least. He is a proud member of the British Empire. We would just like to offer the following: One if by land…two if by sea, okay? Battle of Saratoga. Battle of Yorktown. Need we continue? You’re pretty lippy about the United States for a Redcoat.
“FOMEBODY FHOULD TELL THAT FTUART GUY TO FURRENDER”
(CHECK OUT THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE TO GET THAT JOKE)
7:05:22 a.m. – Imus makes the observation that ever since he and Dagen addressed how the women on ESPN dress, they have taken their fashion advice. They are wearing solids and no prints. The men, however, need to size up their sartorial sense…their choice of shirt and tie combinations are awful. Maybe they should consider wearing solid dresses.
THE DUDES ON ESPN SHOULD CONSIDER GOING IN DRAG. IT OBVIOUSLY IS WORKING FOR MATT LAUER
7:11:36 a.m. – Imus saw Gerri Willis downstairs without her makeup, and maintains that she looks better that way rather than “All painted up like Dolly Parton”. We saw Dolly Parton without makeup. She looks like Gerri Willis WITH makeup.
GERRI AND DOLLY: SEPARATED AT BIRTH (IS DOLLY DOING KABUKI?)
7:15:44 a.m. – The I-Man equivocates the Obamacare problems with those he is experiencing with…Hallak Cleaners. Apparently, the inability of millions of Americans to procure Health Insurance is tantamount to the Boss being unable to get enough starch in his jeans. He wants them to stand up in a corner by themselves so he can “Jump into them in the morning.” This is a man who can’t walk up a flight of stairs without pulmonary resuscitation, and he’s going to be ‘Jumping’ into something?
THE I-MAN’S EMPTY JEANS…(ALTHOUGH, ACCORDING TO DEIRDRE, THEY’RE EMPTY EVEN WHEN HE’S IN THEM)
7:40:19 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde. A spirited game of KFM, (Kill, F#@&, Marry) is played. We learn that between Batman, Superman and Iron Man, Lis would marry Batman. Probably because she wouldn’t mind living in a cave. Deirdre, meanwhile, would Marry Iron Man. Of course, we could’ve predicted that. She’s already married to Iron LUNG Man. They both say they would ‘F’ Superman. Which, would be somewhat of a problem, as Superman, in the throes of passion, would probably do them some harm. The ‘Super Friction’ could cause a small ‘Brush Fire’. So to speak.
ALTHOUGH, TO HEAR A DISAPPOINTED LOIS LANE TELL IT, OL’ SUPE REALLY IS “FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET” (AND WHERE’S THE ‘SUPER BULGE’? IT’S EITHER COLD IN THE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE…OR LEX LUTHOR SHOVED SOME KRYPTONITE DOWN HIS PANTS)
8:05:33 a.m. – Imus wishes Delbert McClinton a Happy Birthday. Unfortunately, it was two days ago. Delbert now joins the rarified air of ‘Favorite People Of The I-Man’s Birthday Club’, along with Joe Beaver and Lyle Lovett. Mike Lupica has been sending The Boss reminders…essentially becoming the Geico Camel. “You know what day May 11th is? Do you know what day May 11th is?” He will be 62 this coming May 11th. We will, no doubt, be providing good Birthday Wishes, sometime around the Fourth of July.
LUPICA, (MAY 11TH) AND ELMORE LEONARD (NO MORE BIRTHDAYS)
8:05:12 a.m. – Imus gives another ‘Shout Out’ to the Bahre Family in New Hampshire for their 100 thousand dollar Ranch donation, as well as the dude who he bought his new Texas property from, who also sent a check for 100 Large. But he makes special note of his new ‘Phone Buddy’, Mary, from Florida, who is in her late 70’s wrote the I-Man a letter, praising the character of Wyatt Imus, who is, indeed, an EXTRAORDINARY young man. She also sent a 25 dollar donation, as she is on a fixed income, however, as the Boss has always said…those donations add up to millions. We are touched by Mary’s generosity, humanity and heart. But the last thing the girl needs is Beelzebub in the Morning calling her on the telephone. Mary. Listen to us. Next time the Cranky Cowboy calls, we have three words for you to tell him. “Lose my number”.
“WHO IS THIS? ANUS? ANUS WHO? OH. IMUS. UM…LISTEN, I HAVE TO GO. NO REALLY. I HAVE TO GO…FORGET IT. I JUST WENT.”
8:15:12a.m. – Carmelo Anthony has stated that his 10-28 shooting average last night put him “In a Dark Place.” Boy, that ‘Dark Place’ must be crowded. Because Pete, Carley’s fiancée, has been there since Saturday’s embarrassing loss by Michigan to Michigan State. Maybe somebody should send them a flashlight. So they can shine it on themselves and see what LOSERS really look like.
CARMELO ANTHONY: “PETE…IT’S ALL IN YOUR MIND, BRO.”
8:40:47 a.m. – The GREAT Neil Cavuto is on to discuss Obama Care, and he goes out on a limb to say that it’s a fiasco. But not as much of one as The I-Man’s Starch problem at Hallak’s. A very fine establishment that would probably welcome your thoughts on the matter: 212-832-0750.
“HEY…WHERE’S THE I-MAN’S F#@%ING STARCH?”
9:05:29 a.m. – The I-Man takes the Lord’s name in vain. He just wants to know if there are any basketball games on tonight. Warner says “None that you want to see,” forgetting a crucial fact: Imus has resorted to watching them Weigh Fish on ‘Bassmasters,’ that’s how hard up he was for a televised sporting event. “G-d Dammit, Warner…who’s playing?” Warner didn’t want to mention the Pacers and the Bulls tonight in Indianapolis. The two best teams in the East are facing off early in the season…yet Warner didn’t think that game was significant enough. Warner didn’t think Ali/Frasier was going to be a big deal either.
THINK FAST, CARLOS! WARNER JUST THREW THE BALL TO YOU!
VIDEO OF THE DAY
A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM RICHIE INCOGNITO
FOR THE MIAMI DOLPHIN FANS AT SUN LIFE STADIUM:
AND YES, THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF THE WORD ‘IRONY’