6:05:00 a.m. – Bernard is still out, which is significant, in that, he’s never really taken sick days before, such is his loyalty to the program. The I-Man, however, has Bernie beat. The Radio Legend shares with us all that back in the day, when he worked for the Southern Pacific Railroad, he was on the job 370 days straight…including Thanksgiving and Christmas…which is not that difficult when you consider that’s only because nobody wanted him in their house for the holidays. We suspect that his perfect attendance streak has less to do with Imus’ dedication, than it does with the readily available amounts of cocaine to which he availed himself.
THE I-MAN, ON THE JOB, ‘HANGIN’ OFF A BOXCAR, CIRCA 1964-65
HE LOOKS ASTONISHINGLY AWAKE
6:07:17 a.m. – The much-hyped, Doomsday Force, Biblical Proportioned Snowstorm, as predicted by Dr. Bill Evans…never arrived. The I-Man says that, from now on, HE will do the weather…by simply looking out the window. He can’t however, do it right now, because “It’s dark out…” and everybody knows that the weather doesn’t start until the sun comes up.
“METEORPGHLXHOLEWRIST”, DON IMUS
6:25:27 a.m. – The ‘Gunz Report’…in which, he plays a line from Anthony Jeselnik’s program from the other night that involves Ron Jeremy being cleared by his doctor to once again have sex after his bypass surgery…and women who are ‘happy’ at this news. Not that this Hedgehog having sex is something anybody would want to see, but the line is, what we in the radio business we would call somewhat ‘graphic’…(not to get too technical) Let’s just say it creates an image, that might call to mind…a Krispy Kreme glazed donut.
C’MON…NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THIS!
6:39:12 a.m. – Stuart Varney is on to discuss the “Daryl Hannah Incident”. Varney refuses to back down, and accuses the lovely Ms. Hannah of espousing “conspiracy theories”. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Varney’s a hater…clearly, he has a thing against mermaids…he thinks they’re responsible for the hole in the ozone layer…AND they were on the Grassy Knoll.
“AHHHH WHAT’S THAT OVAH THEYUH? IS THAT A MURRRMAID?”
7:05:12 a.m. – Responding to Connell’s story about the U.S. Convocation of Cardinals and New York’s Cardinal Dolan’s chances of being named the new Pontiff, the I-Man suggests that HE will be Pope before Dolan. “Pope Imus the First” has quite a ring to it, although Connell reminds us that a new name needs to be chosen…in which case, the Boss would be known as “Pope Numbnuts I” The ‘I’ of course, being the Roman numeral for one, and not for ‘Imus.’
“NA NA NA GET YOUR BOOGALOO SITUATION ON!
LORD…HAVE MERCY! BABY!”
7:07:44 a.m. – Connell relates a tragic story about the woman who was killed by a lion in a California ‘Big Cat’ Wildlife Sanctuary. Which leads the I-Man to offer the following, somewhat callous observation: “Stay out the Lion’s cage!” Harsh words? Maybe. Too soon? Perhaps. Is he right? Abso-%#$@inglutely.
“BITCH! I TOLD YOU TO HOLD THE ONIONS!”
7:12:44 a.m. – Warner plays a clip of number one golfer, Rory McElroy, giving his ‘Mea Culpa’ for walking off the course last week because of the wisdom tooth pain he claimed that kept him from playing. The 23 year old is very likable and can be forgiven for his youthful indiscretion, given his Scottish Rhotic verbal inflections. Except of course, by the I-Man, who advises the young ‘Hole Jockey’ to “Lose the phony English accent.” He must be mistaking McElroy for Stuart Varney…although nobody would mistake Varney for a 23 year old.
SOMEONE FROM GREAT BRITAIN WITH BAD TEETH? NAAAAAAAH!
7:37:59 a.m. – This week, due to Bernie’s absence, Brian Wilson will be part of the Mensa meeting. We guarantee you this is the first time his name and the word ‘Mensa’ were used in the same sentence.
“ISN’T MENSA THAT THING WOMEN GET ONCE A MONTH THAT MAKES THEM GET ALL CRAMPY? WELL, THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY ALAN COLMES IS HERE.”
8:05:18 a.m. – Imus reveals that the reason why, unlike every other broadcasting icon, he has stayed at the top throughout his 40 year career, is that he surrounds himself with people funnier than he is. Julius Caesar did the same thing. Although, admittedly, that didn’t work out all that hot for him…but probably because his people didn’t have that great a sense of humor.
“TWO ROMANS WALK INTO THE SENATE…STOP ME IF YOU’VE HEARD THIS…”
8:12:23 a.m. – Imus and Connell make their final positions on Rand Paul’s filibuster. Imus says “Rand Paul looks like the kind of guy who needs to notify people when he moves into their neighborhood.” Connell: “Yeah…he has to put up a sign: ‘I’ve moved here…and I like to talk.’”
WE GUARANTEE YOU THIS GUY’S GOT A VAN WITH A BAG OF CANDY IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT “HEY, KID! YOU WANNA HELP ME FIND MY PUPPY?”
8:20:45 a.m. – Dagen does a story in her Business Report about a car with Airbags on the OUTSIDE…to protect pedestrians, should they get hit. She shares that she has been known to jump on the hood of a car if they get too close to her in crosswalks and attempt to ‘Play Chicken’. This is NOT a woman you want on the hood of your car. You’d be better off hitting a deer.
DAGEN, GETTING MEDIEVAL ON A JAGUAR
8:37:11 a.m. – Monica Crowley, who Imus has been mistakenly promoting all morning as being the recipient of TWO PHDs…effectively making her a ‘Doctor Doctor’, (She’ll give you the news…she has a bad case of loving you) is on to provide some perspective on ‘O’Reillygate’, as she was on set with Alan Colmes when the incident occurred. Unfortunately, like most people who have experienced combat in the field, she is suffering from PTSD… “Post Traumatic &#*^head Disorder.” She doesn’t really remember a thing about Bill calling Alan ‘A liar.’ Apparently, she was airlifted to another studio immediately after it all went down. She does, however, have commentary on Rand Paul’s filibuster…she informs us that she was ‘stimulated’ by his nearly 13 hour drone about drones. She calls it ‘Libertarian Porn.’ We thought ‘Libertarian Porn’ was when you get screwed without help from the government. Which makes it difficult for onanism. Because there are no ‘hand outs’.
CLEARLY THIS IS ONE RANDY PARTY. THEIR MASCOT IS RON JEREMY
(GET IT? THE HEDGEHOG?)
9:05:45 a.m. – Imus reveals that, back in 1972, he shot a pilot…(No, it wasn’t the kind that flies NetJets, we’re talking a videotaped show) for a television Variety Show Series. In it, he tells us, he ‘sang’. That’s right, we said ‘sang’. What’s more, he sang the blues. And then, we assume, so did the show’s producer, David Susskind. Imus claims he sounded a little like ‘Fats’. Warner asks, “Which one? Waller?” We’re all thinking ‘Minnesota’. Turns out, I-Man means ‘Domino’.
A BOOTLEG TAPE OF THIS WOULD BE WORTH A F#@%*ING FORTUNE
9:05:45 a.m. – Imus once again, reiterates the Law of the Nature as it applies to the ‘King of the Jungle’. “At some point…they are going to get pissed off. THAT ain’t a big enough piece of meat…but you are.”
Which brings us to the….
VIDEO OF THE DAY:
THE INCOMPARABLE RICHARD PRYOR