6:05:00 a.m. – The I-Man has just become a fan of ESPN’s documentary series, ‘30 for 30’. Last night’s edition was about the 1983 NFL Draft, titled “From Elway to Marino”. He tries to convince Warner to watch, but, much like ‘Book of Mormon’, Warner is not interested in current popular culture. Besides…he LIVED through it the first time. Which, we suppose, means he won’t be watching the HISTORY channel’s ‘Bible’ series either.
“HEY, JESUS! COME AWN! PASS THE MATZOH ALREADY!”
6:06:17 a.m. – Mr. Wolf reveals that, he won’t watch ‘30 For 30’, as he is not available between 7 PM and 730 every night, because, like clockwork, he and his lovely wife, Wendy Wolfe, (Not her real name) eat dinner while watching ‘Jeopardy’. WTF Warner? Are you the ‘Rainman’? It’s ten minutes to Trebeck.
“I’LL TAKE MIDGET SPORTS FIGURES FOR 500, ALEX.”
“THE ANSWER IS…”
“UM…WHO IS WARNER WOLF?”
(BTW, THE DOUBLE JEOPARDY QUESTION WAS ABOUT MIKE LUPICA)
6:23:42 a.m. – The I-Man promos Dr. Bill Evans’ Meteorology class at Bergen Community College. You too, can create your own weather cast. The Boss wonders why anybody would take the class when all you need is a weather app. Aha! Yes, but the Weather App won’t give you Weather Fashion Tips, or teach you how to pronounce ‘Meteorologist’.
WE ASSUME THE NUMBERS REFER TO TEMPERATURE…EXCEPT FLORIDA’S, WHICH, WE HOPE, REFERS TO THE LEVELS OF PRECIPITATION
7:05:21 a.m. – During the break, the I-Man asks Dr. Bill if Liz Cho is “Still in play.” Gunz wants to know. According to the Young Buck, he ‘Needs’ her. Ms. Cho is, apparently, quite aware of this fact. Hence the restraining order.
EVIDENTLY, FOR GUNZ, MACE IS AN APHRODISIAC
7:10:44 a.m. – “The finest Doctor I have ever met is Dr. Ronald MacKenzie.” According to the I-Man, The American College of Rheumatology Ethics and Conflicts of Interest Committee have named a chair after him.
OSTENSIBLY, IT’S QUITE AN HONOR
7:40:21 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde. Or, as we like to call it, ‘What the Hell Happened to My Erection’? The girls discuss Weiner. Not as sexy as it sounds. It’s Anthony Weiner, and his political future. Deirdre tells Lis to ‘Shut up.’ She doesn’t believe Lis has the right to ‘weigh in’ on the Former Congressman as a Mayoral Candidate. She tells Lis she’s not a true New Yorker, like she is. Lis lives in Connecticut. Deirdre lives in ‘The Hood’. Upper West Side, yo! Represent!
“ICE-D and SMALLIE BIGGS” ROLLIN’ IN THEIR SIX FOUR
“GOT THEY MIND ON THEY MONEY AND THEY MONEY ON THEY MIND”
8:05:17 a.m. – Warner reports on the new name for next year’s four team College Playoff. It’s called…wait for it… “College Football Playoff”. Wow. Sure hope they copyright that one. It’s catchy. Like Gonorrhea.
OUR SUGGESTION FOR WHAT TO CALL THE COLLEGE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
AND, BY THE WAY, WHERE TO HOST IT
8:16:23 a.m. – Connell reports that they’ve locked up the wrong guy in Mississippi. Paul Kevin Curtis, the Elvis impersonator, was released. When asked about the Ricin incident, he said. “I don’t even like rice.” What kind of impersonator are you? One thing we know about Elvis: That dude LOVED rice.
“UH UH UH…I’M ALL CARBED UP!”
8:25:45 a.m. – I-Man has some unflattering things to say about ESPN’S stadium sized broadcaster Chris Berman. “I’d hit Jabba the Hut before Chris Berman.” Dagen offers. Which says a lot, coming from a woman who said that Steve Buschemi “Made it move.”
“HEY, DAGEN! I GOT AN RC COLA, SOME SPRAY CHEESE AND A MOON PIE
JEST WAITIN’ FOR YA!”
8:25:45 a.m. – Charles Rangel is on. Not Tony PRETENDING to be Charles Rangel. But the REAL Charles Rangel. We realize that Imus always acts as if it IS the REAL Charles Rangel when Tony is Charles Rangel, but that’s only because…he’s confused.
WILL THE REAL CHARLES RANGEL…PLEASE STAND UP?
UM…WILL THE REAL CHARLES RANGEL PLEASE WAKE UP?
9:03:45 a.m. – We get either encouraging, or, disappointing news, depending upon your position on Dr. Bill Evans Tweeting pictures of his Weiner. Apparently, he has not. We say, “Awww” and “Thank God”, respectively, to both groups. We do wonder, however, that if Dr. Bill WERE to have Tweeted his Weiner…would it be wearing ‘Rain Gear’?
FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE, CONDOLEEZA RICE,
(THE ONLY RICE THAT ELVIS IMPERSONATOR PAUL KEVIN CURTIS LIKES)
TESTIFIES TO SEEING THE ‘TWEET’ OF DR. BILL EVANS’ WEINER
9:06:27 a.m. – Yet another crushing disappointment, or relief, again, depending upon your position, Congressman Charles Rangel, (The REAL one) “Didn’t want to touch the Weiner” when asked by the I-Man if he thought the former Congressman would make for a good mayoral candidate. We think that the final decision should be made by an “Open Erection”, as Imus would say.
HE’S A BAAAAAD MAN: OSCAR MEYER WISHES HE WAS
CHARLES RANGEL’S WEINER. THAT IS WHAT HE’D TRULY LIKE TO BE.
VIDEO OF THE DAY
A CLIP FROM ESPN’S RIVETING DOCUMENTARY SERIES
“30 FOR 30”
“FROM ELWAY TO MARINO”