6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man has, literally, just woken up, but he is already firing on all cylinders, reading an Email from Gunz, who informs the Boss that the lovable slacker will be on Cavuto as part of Neil’s ‘Generation Next’ segment. This is where Mr. Cavuto interviews hip, young kids about what’s going on. Which makes us wonder why the geeky little virgin is going to be part of the panel. Gunz is still perplexed over the question about whether or not the refrigerator light stays on when you close the door.
6:13:26 a.m. – The I-Man relates a story about his taking a nap, yesterday, in his Bloomer Trailer. Which is a far cry from the ‘Old Days’ when he used to nap behind the driers at the Laundromat IN his bloomers. He’s a real man of the people. A Multi-Million Dollar Ranch House, and he catches a few Z’s in his Mobile Double Wide.
BUT YOU WON’T FIND THIS $100,000 DELUXE HANGOUT AT YOUR LOCAL MOTOR COURT
6:15:14 a.m. – The Boss plays John Hiatt’s ‘Old People’, where the brilliant Mr. Hiatt, named “One of Rock’s Most Astute Singer-Songwriters of the Last 40 Years” by the Los Angeles Times, rhymes the words ‘Pushy’ and ‘Mushy’. Not exactly ‘Have a Little Faith in Me’, or ‘Memphis in the Meantime’, but…it IS still John Hiatt. The new album, ‘Terms of Surrender’ won’t be available until July 15th. That give you some time to get your gun permit in case you hear it in the car when you’re driving while listening to the Imus in the Morning Program.
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN PREVIEWS JOHN HIATT’S NEW RECORD
6:22:44 a.m. – There’s a story about a scientific finding in Croatia, where two Brown Bears in captivity, were observed performing Oral Sex on one another. Which, being red-blooded mammals ourselves, we completely understand. It certainly sheds new light on Goldilocks’ assessment of the 3 Bears’ “Too Hard’, ‘Too Soft’, and ‘Just Right’. Until we discover that it’s two MALES who are doing the Ursine 69. (We know it’s pronounced Ur-SEEN, but, just roll with it) Now we can finally appreciate the Gay slang of ‘Bear’…it’s not just a big boned, hairy backed gentleman. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Although, we always had our suspicions about Winnie the Pooh.
6:37:07 a.m. – Bret Baier is on to talk about his book, ‘Special Heart: A Journey of Faith, Hope, Courage and Love’, about his son, Paul, who battles congenital heart disease. Paul’s not quite 7 years old, but has already undergone 3 Open Heart Surgeries and 7 Angioplasties. It’s one of the most inspirational stories about bravery in the face of adversity. It’s emblematic of one of Imus’ main philosophies: “Nobody goes through life undefeated, everybody has bad stuff happen to them.” It’s how they deal with it that defines them. You can either do it like Bret, his wife and son, or…the New York Mets. The Book Debuts at #9 on the New York Times Bestseller List. ALL the proceeds from the sale of the book are going to Pediatric Heart Disease Research. He’s not one of those ‘A Portion of the Proceeds’ Weasels.
7:09:28 a.m. – Dagen does a story about Amazon’s new Smart Phone, the ‘Fire’. Amazon Founder Jeff Bezos introduced it at a Press Event yesterday, causing the I-Man to comment: “Bezos got a billion trillion dollars…and the boy STILL look like E.T.” Yes. But at least E.T. could ‘Phone Home’ without having to wait for a 4G signal from Verizon to do it.
“E…T…GET FREE SHIPPING WITH AMAZON PRIME…”
7:14:24 a.m – The Boss makes a salient point, stating a case that the folks who got us into Iraq in the first place, such as that Draft Dodging Weasel Dick ‘Pork Chop Boy’ Cheney, should S.T.F.U. And that doesn’t stand for ‘Stop the Funny Undertakings’. Among the others you could also add to the ‘Shut the Eff Up’ list would include Paul Wolfowitz, Paul Bremmer and Bill Kristol.
BREMMER, WOLFOWITZ AND CHENEY ON ‘MEET THE PRESS’
7:39:34 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting, in which they discuss Alabama’s overturning the ban on ‘Sodomy’. The point is made that, it’s not just for homosexuals anymore. However, the Sheep are still not safe. Not strong enough of a lobby.
“NO JUSTICE, NO FLEECE”
BUT…IF YOU CAN’T GET TO THE BARNYARD ON FRIDAY NIGHT
8:01:32 a.m. – Connell reads a story on the radio about new laws, one in New York City, which now allows owners to be buried alongside their pets in Pet Cemeteries. Which means Joseph Abboud can now spend his eternal rest next to his beloved gerbil.
8:01:59 a.m. – In a related story, Albany’s passed a bill which bans owners from piercing or Tattooing their pets.
THIS BITCH ALSO HAS 6 PIERCED NIPPLES
8:16:14 a.m. – Warner reports that 11 Year Old Golf Phenom, Lucy Li Bogied the first hole in the U.S. Women’s Open Qualifier, which makes the I-Man very happy. “I hope she shoots 120”. She is interviewed, where she states “I just want to have fun.” “Go have fun at a School Yard, kid!” comments the Boss.
HOME-SCHOOLED, BY A ‘TIGER MOM’, MS. LI NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING HOME A ‘LOSER’
8:18:14 a.m. – Connell reads a story about Lindsay Graham, which prompts the I-Man to do his creepy Lindsay Graham impression, which, Deirdre notes, sounds exactly like his creepy Jerry Jones impression. What the Boss doesn’t realize is that Mr. Graham does a creepy Imus impression…which sounds just like his Wolfman Jack impression. Which is not creepy at all.
HOWARD STERN DOING HIS IMPRESSION OF IMUS DOING HIS WOLFMAN JACK IMPRESSION. WE NEVER KNEW THAT, BACK IN THE 80’S, THE WOLFMAN MOONLIGHTED AS A PIMP
8:41:14 a.m. – One of the great legal minds of our time, David Boies is on with his new book, Redeeming the Dream: A Case For Marriage Equality about the fight against California’s discriminatory Proposition 8, which banned Gay Marriage. Both he and the I-Man have a rare, emotional, empathetic, ‘Touchy Feely’ moment, in which they both agree that it wasn’t right for anyone to be denied the right to marry the person they love. Which bodes well for those Brown Bears who’ve been having oral sex.
“HEY YOGI! GO ASK SARAH PALIN HOW FAR CALIFORNIA IS FROM ALASKA. THINK SHE CAN SEE IT FROM HER HOUSE?”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
BIRDS DO IT, BEES DO IT…AND YES, BEARS DO IT TOO. SOMETIMES, WITH HOOKERS