6:03:12 A.M. – We learn that today, Lis Wiehl will not be in for our favorite segment of the week, Blonde on Blonde, or, as we like call it, “Where the White Women at?” Lis, apparently, fell, and broke her hip, as ‘Women of A Certain Age’ are wont to do. We wish her all the best for a speedy recovery, and hope that she’s back among the fold before too long.
LIS WIEHL: SPOKESWOMAN FOR THE ‘LIFE ALERT’ SYSTEM
6:04:08 A.M. – We are actually worried about Deirdre. Without Lis as the Crash Test Dummy, she will have to rant without a target…wait a minute. She’s not alone in the studio out there in Texas. We are now worried for the I-Man.
DEIRDRE GETTING HER POINT ACROSS
6:08:56 A.M. – The I-Man gives us an update on Lucinda, Wyatt’s beloved Red Heeler, who cheated death, thanks to the Wy-Man and Deirdre. We are happy to report that the girl’s going to be fine…although, Lucinda, in her agony and distress, involuntarily bit one of the Vet Techs, which led to the State of Texas to Quarantine her for 10 days. The Boss, with advice from Neighbor/Attorney John Beckworth, Associate Dean of the Law School at the University of Texas, has decided to Quarantine Lucinda at home, refusing to bring her back to the Vets, as, like many dogs, she is a ‘Veterinarian-A-Phobe’. He invited the doctors to visit the Ranch to check on the dog, but if they think they’re going to take her back to quarantine her at their facility, they’re going to have a Branch Davidian situation on their hands. The I-Man is filling up the sand bags and building a moat around the ranch as we speak. Even Lucinda, herself, is preparing for a siege:
“YOU WANT MY GUN? YOU’LL HAVE TO PRY IT FROM MY COLD, DEAD PAWS”
6:40:27 A.M. – K.T. McFarland is the guest, former National Security Adviser, and a woman for whom the I-Man always stands whenever she enters a room. And not, as is tradition, to run away. She says she misses the I-Man as he is one of the only ‘True Gentlemen’ she knows. Obviously, she needs to get out more.
“GENTLEMAN” JOHN DONALD IMUS
7:05:37 A.M. – Despite the absence of the Wiehl, Lis, that is, Blonde on Blonde will go on as normal, however, Deirdre will be ‘Laying the Smackdown’ on the fruit of her loins, Wyatt Imus, so it will technically be ‘Blonde on Red’. Or, as we are calling it, ‘The Texas Cage Match’.
DON’T LET THE NECK BRACE FOOL YOU. ANDY KAUFMAN TRIED TO GET AWAY WITH THAT SH*T TOO
7:15:34 A.M. – The I-Man makes the observation that, the two people he’s related to, and currently living with…are insane. Oh. Yeah. Right. THEY’RE the ones who are insane. We think mental health is in the eye of the beholder. And majority rules. It’s two against one. Both Deirdre and the Wy-Man know the dilly. It’s the old cowboy who’s batsh*t crazy.
IRONICALLY, HE HAS 20 OF THESE JACKETS, ALL THE SAME, CUSTOM MADE BY LOUIS RICART
7:30:06 A.M. – BLONDE ON RED covers a plethora of topics, among which, who should be on the 10 Dollar Bill. Deirdre is advocating for Michelle Obama; Wyatt, on the other hand, favors Eleanor Roosevelt. Of course, as you would imagine, bringing up Eleanor leads naturally to Kim Kardashian, and if she deserved the ‘Slut Shaming’ she received at the Glastonbury Festival, where, during her husband Kanye’s set, an enormous flag with a still from her sex tape was waved. Young Wyatt believes that Kim should be prepared for these eventualities, as this video is out there, and has been for years, and won’t be going away. Although he maintains that he hasn’t seen it. Which would make him the ONE person in the ‘Under 85’ category who hasn’t.
“YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT VIDEO?”
7:45:16 A.M. – In order to protest what they view as sexist views as to what defines femininity, some women have opted not to shave their armpits. I-Man asks both panelists what their views are and they both agree that Personal Landscaping is a must, and that it is akin to brushing your teeth, and that venturing out in public with a French Braid under each arm is…well, disgusting.
THE MOVEMENT, SPEARHEADED BY MILEY CYRUS, IS ALSO IN FAVOR OF NOT WAXING FACIAL HAIR
8:07:34 A.M. – The I-Man comes back with some critiques for his son, who, we thought, did a fine job, but then again, if we knew what we were talking about, we’d…not be…as stupid as we are. Um…yes. The Boss thought Wyatt wasn’t projecting into the microphone enough. We heard him perfectly clear. Especially when he said, “I don’t have to listen to you…you’re not my real Dad.”
ANOTHER SON DEALING WITH SOME PATERNAL ISSUES
8:15:11 A.M. – Bernie reports that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are calling it quits. What appeared to be the ‘Storybook Marriage’ of the past 10 years was actually rife with tension and resentment. Apparently, Ben is a bit of a gambler, and a rogue, as its rumored he’s had dalliances with other women. We don’t blame Jennifer for wanting to split from this loser. In fact, we thought she should’ve done it years ago…like after he made ‘Gigli’.
ONE OF THE OPTIONS ON THE ‘GIGLI’ DVD ALLOWS YOU TO PUT YOURSELF OUT OF YOUR MISERY BEFORE YOU EVEN START THE MOVIE
8:39:43 A.M. – Ashley Webster is calling us, live, from Greece. Although it would be difficult for him to call in ‘Dead’, but we digress. Ashley is there to discuss the Greek Financial Crisis…which, according to his expert opinion, is what they refer to in the Economic World as…bad. Apparently, Greece will be going back to the ‘Drachma’, the original currency, and eschewing the Euro…Ashley has gotten into the spirit of the Ancient City of Athens, and is eschewing pants…in favor of a toga.
IN A REAL DEMOCRACY, WE COULD VOTE AGAINST THIS
VIDEO OF THE DAY
IT’S ONLY FUNNY UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU
BUT IF IT DOESN’T…IT’S HYSTERICAL
Paris Hilton is the victim of an Egyptian Prank Show
(Oh, those wacky Arabs!)
It’s almost as funny as her sex tape.