6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man rails against the media’s Ebola coverage. Our guest yesterday, Dr. Scott Gottleib, scared the hell out of us, but then Shep Smith had an expert on, and Shep maintains that this Ebola thing is all blown out of proportion, and that they’re making a big deal out of nothing. Imus then repeats one of the key components of his philosophy: ‘You Can’t Get A Straight Answer Out Of Anybody’. “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?” Rob would say “No.” because he doesn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. The Boss would say “YES! JESUS, YES!!! YOUR ASS LOOKS LIKE AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER EATING A CHEESECAKE!” By the way, I-Man…your hair looks GREAT today.
YAH. IT’S THE JEANS.
6:18:16 a.m. – “I want you to go to the Starbucks on 60th and Broadway, and tell the manager that, the next time he doesn’t open when he’s supposed to, I’m going to come over there with Bo Dietl and punch him in the neck.” Imus is not pleased that his morning ritual of drinking a ‘Black Eye’, (Coffee with TWO shots of Espresso) is interrupted. Who is he? The F*CKING RAINMAN? One little deviation from the norm and it’s over? We’re putting together a paper plate with some cheese balls and tooth picks. Hopefully, he’ll know how many are left in the box.
“FIVE MINUTES TO CAVUTO…DEFINITELY FIVE MINUTES TO CAVUTO”
6:49:08 a.m. – Bill Hemmer, back in the Green Room, post interview, says “You got a live one there. I love it.” Interesting statement, as part of the discussion was about how people really never tell the truth.
PENNY FOR HIS THOUGHTS? WE’LL TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT HE’S THINKING: “THAT TIRE IRON AND BAG OF LIME IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR…AND A NICE, SECLUDED SPOT IN THE PINE BARRENS.”
6:57:28 a.m. – Imus can’t figure out what he wants to eat from Starbucks. The Mozzarella / Tomato Sandwich sucks, the Spinach / Feta Ciabatta is worse, and he doesn’t want the Protein Pack, because the peanut butter is too hard to open. White People’s Problems. We would tell him to ask the Starbucks Baristas for a suggestion, but we already know that answer: “How about a nice, hot, Venti cup of S*it?”
“VENTI TURD LATTE, SOY MILK, NO FOAM?” NOTICE THE BRAND NEW STARBUCKS ‘I-MAN LOGO’
7:14:42 a.m. – Imus, sicker than 6.7 dogs, still soldiered in this morning, as Deirdre promised to take care of him when he came home. We aren’t sure if by ‘Take Care’ she means the same thing as when the mob ‘Takes Care’ of somebody, or whether she will be the Central Park West version of Florence Nightingale, and fawn over him, firing up some tasty nachos and popcorn for him while he watches all 4 Major League Baseball Games today.
‘NURSE’ DEIRDRE GETTING READY FOR A LITTLE PRICK.
IT’S NOT THE FIRST TIME.
7:32:10 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS The I-Man’s position is that Sports Players should be able to yell back at the Fans, say ‘F You!’ and threaten to beat their asses…not unlike Boston Bruin, Mike Milbury, on December 23rd 1979, when he went into the stands at a Ranger game and beat a Ranger fan with the fan’s own shoe.
“I CHALLENGE YOU! CORDOVANS AT 50 PACES!”
7:36:19 a.m. – It would be a really spirited, interesting discussion, but Gunz’s hair is so distracting. He looks like the guy in the Little Rascals when he got surprised by something.
GUNZ. NO, REALLY, IT LOOKS GOOD.
7:42:18 a.m. – The discussion about whether Players have the right to yell back at fans, leads the I-Man to ask Dagen how she would like it if he brought four or five people into the studio to heckle her while she gave the business report, maintaining nobody would like it if they had somebody criticize and say nasty things to them while they were trying to do their jobs. Fat Rob and Four Eyed Tony, (both of whom suck and are not funny) don’t know what that feels like.
“HOW HARD IS IT TO DO A F*CKING SIDELINE REPORT, MAGGOT?”
7:47:24 a.m. – Mike from Washington D.C. calls in to Vinnie From Queens. He doesn’t have a sports question or comment, he just wanted to see if the phone number the I-Man gave out really works.
“HEY…IMUS…WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?”
8:06:32 a.m. – The I-Man says that he had planned to retire and manage Wyatt’s Rodeo Career, which he still plans to do, but he will never retire. He will work as long as they will have him. Because, as he paraphrases Bob Dylan, he’d need a dumptruck to unload everything on his mind. In short, he’d have NOBODY to bitch to, or, for that matter, about. So you do provide a valuable service, dear listeners. You tune in every morning at 6, otherwise wheezing and a mental patient coughing fit will be the last sounds you hear before the I-Man fires his sniper rifle at you from the terrace of his Central Park West Penthouse. Your choice.
“I’LL SHOW YOU STARBUCKS BASTARDS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE A TASTY SANDWICH THAT I CAN EAT…”
8:23:46 a.m. – After much ado about nothing earlier, the I-Man reveals that he really enjoyed his Starbucks Breakfast. The Veggie & Fontiago Sandwich was a “Bad Ass Sammidge.” They are still on the Starbucks Menu, although there was only one left at the outlet across the street…which, the Barista said, they were SAVING JUST FOR HIM. It’s true. It has his name written boldly over where “XXX WARNING!!! DO NOT SELL THIS ONE XXX” has just been erased.
CHOCK FULL OF PROTEIN. YOU JUST DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT KIND.
8:38:14 a.m. – Mike Emmanuel shares his experience dealing with interviews where the subjects are suspicious because he’s from Fox. They ask ‘Is this for Hannity? Is this for O’Reilly?’ and he says ‘No, this is to get it right.’ The question they SHOULD be asking is: ‘Is this for Imus?’ He is DEFINITELY someone who you should worry about. Because what he will say will MAKE the news.
MIKE EMMANUEL: THEN ( L ) AND NOW ( R )
VIDEO OF THE DAY
TWO EXAMPLES WHY PLAYERS SHOULD DEFINITELY BE ALLOWED TO GET BACK AT HECKLING FANS:
Comments from the I-Man: This sh*t is not funny. It is stupid. Do you know why it's stupid? No you don't. Do you know why you don't. Because you're stupid. Rob and Tony are stupid. You're stupid. Deal with it.