6:03:06 a.m. – “A kid at the Roping this past weekend asked me if I was Dwight Yoakum.” An amused Imus tells us just before the program begins. The question is…who should be more offended? Him? Or Dwight Yoakum.
UM…WAS THIS KID…BLIND?
6:05:10 a.m. – It’s Wes Bowmaster’s birthday! Who is Wes Bowmaster you ask? He’s one of the Real Cowboys out at the Imus Ranch for Kids With Cancer. And, according to the I-Man, he’s 92. (He’s actually 56…but it Ranch Years, he’s 92)
WE KID YOU NOT, WHEN YOU GOOGLE ‘WES BOWMASTER’, THESE ARE AMONG THE IMAGES YOU WILL FIND. WE’RE NOT SURE WHICH ONE IS THE REAL WES, BUT WE PRAY TO JESUS IT’S NOT THE GUY IN THE DIAPER
6:11:22 a.m. – The I-Man went to have his ‘Stent’ removed yesterday, that was placed, much like a catheter, into his junk, to expedite the passage of his Kidney Stone. Apparently, his Urologist, Dr. Joseph Del Pizzo, is, in Imus’ words, “Startlingly Handsome.” Does wearing those Chinese Bicycle Shorts make you turn gay? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that…unless you’re going to ride the bicycle without a seat) We’re just not so sure you should be calling the man who has his hands on your penis…handsome. Or, for that matter, making eye contact with him. (“I thought we had a moment there…)
DR. DEL PIZZO. SMOKIN’ HOT. ACCORDING TO DAGEN. AND THE I-MAN
6:12:24 a.m. – The procedure of the stent removal involved a needle injection…into ‘Big Roy’. I-Man’s junk. The nurse comes in with the syringe… “You’re not gonna stick that in Big Roy, are ya?” he asks, pointing to his penis. “That?” she muses. “That’s not Big Roy.” What was she implying? That it was “Big Roy’s” little brother?
“YOU MIGHT FEEL A ‘LITTLE PRICK’…WHICH I’M SURE YOUR WIFE IS USED TO BY NOW.”
6:38:08 a.m. – The I-Man and Father Jonathan Morris discuss ‘Prosperity’ and The Lord, ironic, as Father Jonathan believes Imus’ prosperity is the ‘Work of the Devil’. Back in the Green Room, he asks us if we’ve “Seen the contract”. The Boss refers to Joel Osteen’s tenet that you should never give up on your dream. Father Jonathan agrees, as his dream obviously is to wear a 15 dollar haircut. Imus suggests a Kickstarter Campaign to help the Padre get enough dough to, at least, go to ‘Supercuts’
7:05:10 a.m. – Dagen reports a story about a Starbucks Boycott that Neil Young is calling for, over the coffee company’s role in a lawsuit agains Vermont over its requirements to label genetically modified ingredients in food. Dagen calls the Rock Legend… ‘An old fool’ The I-Man is offended by that comment, even though he gets a 5 dollar residual everytime somebody uses the term, as it was trademarked for him a number of years ago .
OLD FOOL TM
7:13:26 a.m. – The I-Man calls us ‘Haters’ because we are less than complimentary to Dice Clay, who, Imus has dubbed ‘Brilliant’. He maintains that we don’t like anybody who we think is funnier than we are. Which is a blatant untruth, as we are BIG fans of Jay Mohr, Colin Quinn, Larry the Cable Guy, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Dave Chappelle, and ANY of the comics we feature on the ‘Video of the Day’. We have no problem with liking people we think are funny. And we don’t discriminate…we like people who are NOT funny. We love you, Imus.
THIS IS WHY IMUS THINKS DICE IS BRILLIANT. HE INVENTED THE ‘SHANTS’…SHORTS THAT ARE AS LONG AS PANTS. LOOKIN’ GOOD, DICE, LOOKIN’ GOOD. EVEN ROB WOULDN’T WEAR THAT. AND HE DRESSES LIKE A HOMELESS IMMIGRANT
7:32:10 a.m. – HOLLYWOOD & VINE Featuring, Deirdre, Dagen, Reidel and Powell. Dagen is lookin’ good in that purple dress. Good thing Reidel didn’t wear his this morning. Tony wishes Reidel a ‘Happy Movember’…as he thought Reidel would’ve grown a beard…although it might be redundant.
REIDEL SPORTING ONE OF HIS ‘BEARDS’
8:06:32 a.m. – The I-Man goes to Ashley Webster…who has…nothin’. He admits his lack of having anything significant or relevant to report. So Imus asks him about living in Nashville for 10 years, where he was a News Anchor, and STILL roots for the Titans. As we said…nothing significant or relevant to report. Just sit there and say dirty things with that British Accent, in low tones, while Dagen conjures you in her ‘Bubble’, Ashley.
“DO YOU WANT ME TO ‘BEND YOU LIKE BECKHAM, DAGEN?”
8:38:14 a.m. – Mary Matalin is on. And she’s sober. Imus complains that Mary’s Phone sounds like it was one of those Sports Illustrated Football Phones, and she says it’s her iPhone 6. “Maybe it’s just too big for my little mouth”. That’s what she said. And something that the I-Man has never heard said to him.
SHE’S RIGHT. THAT’S DEFINITELY TOO BIG FOR HER LITTLE MOUTH
8:46:00 a.m. – Imus asks Mary if James, her husband, (Carville, that is) will be “Stuffing that Turkey in that ‘special’ way.” Mary doesn’t get the joke. She thinks he’s talking about a ‘Turducken’. Which is a turkey stuffed with a duck, stuffed with a chicken. And what you might want to call what Deirdre will make for Thanksgiving. A ‘Tofurkey’…which, from what we hear, tastes like…a turd.
A TURDUCKEN. NOW WE KNOW WHY DEIRDRE IS A VEGAN. JEEEZIS. IT LOOKS LIKE ROADKILL THAT CAME BACK TO LIFE
8:54:00 a.m. – Dr. Bill says the weather is going to be COOOOOOOOLLLLLD tonight. He suggests that the I-Man “Bring the cactus in from the terrace.” Imus says that “(He) has people to do that.” He also has people to ‘Bring in The Firewood’, people to ‘Push the Button on the Elevator’, and people to ‘Wipe the Yogurt Off His Chin’. It’s good to be the King. And, rather fortuitous for the Boss that, there will also be ‘People’ to do that for him when Deirdre and Wyatt finally stick him in the Nursing Home. We know, she says she’s not going to do that. But she also told her parents: “He’s just a friend, it’s not like I’m going to marry him…”
“HEY! WIPER DUDE! MOUTH! SHIRT! C’MON! LET’S GET BUSY HERE!”
9:05:10 a.m. – Coincidentally, the Boss relates that he got water on his shirt, and reveals that he seems to have a problem with food getting on him. Just yesterday, he took off his jacket to find a “Glob of Yogurt” on his shirt. Um…didn’t you visit the “Smokin’ Hot Dr. Del Pizzo” yesterday? So…are you SURE it’s just yogurt?
YOGURT IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG. THE I-MAN SPILLS SO MUCH COFFEE ON HIMSELF, CARLEY COULD SAVE HERSELF A TRIP TO STARBUCKS AND JUST SQUEEZE THE CONTENTS OF HIS SHIRT BACK INTO THE CUP
9:16:32 a.m. – Warner is talking about Robert Griffin III, but has a problem saying ‘RG3’. Instead, it comes out like “MGD” which is Miller Genuine Draft, which may be what Warner’s drinking in between Sportscasts. Before you know it, RG3 will be “R2D2”.
“HEY, R2! GO LONG! TO A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY!
VIDEO OF THE DAY
ANOTHER COMEDIAN WE LIKE
WITH A BIT ABOUT A TRIP TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM
WHERE, WE HOPE, THERE WASN’T A HANDSOME DOCTOR WAITING FOR HIM.