6:05:00 a.m. – Imus wonders if insects can talk, as he is a ‘Fly Swatting’ Mother Effer, and is curious as to why the vermin have not figured out that “That old dude in the cowboy hat is killing us!” His latest obsession is dispatching the annoying insects because “Someone gave me a leather fly swatter a couple years ago…” “Um…you think that a leather fly swatter…is for flies?” Dagen…get your mind out of the gutter. “What, and leave my friends?”
WE HATE TO BREAK IT TO YOU, BOSS…BUT THIS IS NOT FOR SWATTING FLIES. IT’S SOMETHING THAT COSTS EXTRA UNLESS YOU PURCHASE THE ‘GOLD HUMILIATION’ PACKAGE AT “MISTRESS TANYA’S DUNGEON”
6:11:56 a.m. – Connell reports that Anthony Weiner has unveiled his first campaign commercial…and that “There’s no mention of the sexting scandal, I-Man.” “Oh, really, Connell? NO mention?” comes Imus’ sarcastically ironic response.
“HEY, NUMBNUTS! WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE COMMERCIAL? TAKE A ‘SELFIE’?”
6:22:12 a.m. – Bernie mentions that Weiner’s muse, ‘Sydney Leathers’ will be at Headquarters Gentlemen’s club in Hell’s Kitchen tonight…which gives every Red Blooded American Male in the Imus listening audience enough time to get to Home Depot to purchase ten foot poles. Tickets for the event are still available: 50 dollars for a front row seat…100 bucks for ‘obstructed view’.
RAY CHARLES AND STEVIE WONDER PONDER ATTENDING SYDNEY LEATHERS’ EXOTIC DANCING DEBUT THIS EVENING
6:40:34 a.m. – Dagen says that on the season premiere of ‘Breaking Bad’ the other night, the character of ‘Hank’, Walt’s DEA Agent Brother in Law, was wearing a Delbert McClinton T-Shirt. The I-Man does not see how cool this is…that Delbert is name-checked on the hottest show in Television today…he only wonders why HE doesn’t have a Delbert T-Shirt.
AM I HIGH ON METH? OR IS THAT A DELBERT T-SHIRT?
7:13:45 a.m. – Imus wonders why he hasn’t heard from Karen Herbst, owner of the Champion Roping Horse ‘Sweetness’. Of course, he forgets that he had railed on the air about how he wanted her to stop e-mailing him. Dagen tells him that Karen had to ‘put down’ “Boo”, one of her other horses. Of course, she means that Karen probably has not reached out to the I-Man as she’s grieving the loss of her beloved animal, but the Boss takes it to mean that Karen is blaming him for the steed’s death. Which, of course, is yet more evidence that HE needs to be ‘Put Down’.
“YOU MIGHT FEEL A LITTLE ‘PRICK’, MR. IMUS…WHICH IS AN IRONIC STATEMENT…SEEING AS HOW…YOU’RE SUCH A BIG ONE.”
7:40:22 a.m. – The I-Man asks Governor Mike Huckabee about Reza Aslan and the Historical Jesus. The Governor has not read Zealot as of yet, but it’s really a moot point, as the Gov is an ordained Baptist Minister, and so, he believes in the ‘Magic Jesus’.
“FOR MY NEXT TRICK, I NEED SOME HELP FROM SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE: DOES ANYBODY HAVE A LOAF OF BREAD?”
7:55:37 a.m. – Peter Gethers’ book, Ask Bob has moved from about 100,000 sales rank to 8000 in just the hour and fifty five minutes the I-Man has been speaking about it. We suspect the jump is from readers who are concerned about their pet’s weight. Imus: “Because you don’t need no Fat Pussy.”
SHE’S NOT FAT…SHE’S BIG BONED
8:18:40 a.m. – In light of the recent convictions, Bernie is hoping for a Whitey Bulger prison break. Yeah, that’s what we want to see… an 83 year old Fugitive. Somehow, the image of Tommy Lee Jones telling the Posse to “Search every outhouse…” rings especially true. Because that’s probably EXACTLY where Whitey will be.
“WHITEY” ON THE LAM
8:40:33 a.m. – James Carville is on. The I-Man asks him if he’s still doing the radio show with Luke Russert on XM. Apparently, he isn’t…and hasn’t for A NUMBER OF YEARS. This inspires Imus to wonder just exactly what Meghan, at the Imus office was thinking, when she said that she would make sure that all the guests’ bios were up to date. The Ragin’ Cajun’s is somewhat…old. So old, in fact, according to Meghan, James still has hair. Huckabee’s still listed as the current Lt. Governor of Arkansas, and Larry King is still married to Alene Akins… his THIRD (and FIFTH, as they remarried) wife.
JAMES CARVILLE’S PUBLICITY PHOTO IN MEGHAN’S ‘UPDATED’ BIO
8:47:42 a.m. – Meghan double checks the bios she has saved on her computer for upcoming guests, and she assumes they are all pretty up to date. Among the ‘facts’ that Meghan believes to be current: Delbert McClinton is playing harmonica for Bruce Chanel, Mary Higgins Clark is thirty years old and Lis Wiehl is still a virgin.
MARY HIGGINS CLARK (RECENT PHOTO)
8:51:28 a.m. – Mensa calls the Imus office. Incredibly, they’re not looking for Meghan.
MEGHAN…ABOUT TO TAKE THE BUS TO WORK
8:57:33 a.m. – Imus charges us with the task of doing a ‘Fran Wood’ on Meghan. The ‘Choke Chain’ has been removed. And so we offer the following:
MEGHAN PLAYS ‘WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE’ WE THINK SHE SHOULD’VE USED ONE OF HER ‘LIFELINES’ FOR THIS PARTICULAR QUESTION. ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, THE MOON DOES LOOK SMALLER THAN AN ELEPHANT. ESPECIALLY WHEN THE MOON IS SO MUCH FURTHER AWAY
9:06:44 a.m. – Joseph Abboud emails Imus: “I do like the fact that Biblical Jesus and Historical Jesus both liked Earth Tones.” Leave it to Abboud to turn the Son of God into a Runway Model for his Fall ‘Nazareth Casual Wear’ line. You can’t make it up.
“JESUS LOOKS JUST…DIVINE…IN HIS CAPRIS PANTS AND SHORT SLEEVE COTTON PULLOVER…A ‘FUN’ LOOK FOR EVERY SERMON ON THE MOUNT”
9:15:35 a.m. – “Have a nice weekend!” Imus wishes Dagen. Um…I-Man? It’s Tuesday. To be fair, he’s got a lot on his mind…and besides…what the hell does he need to know what day it is anyway?
THE IMUS CALENDAR
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