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    Monday
    Jan202014

    Remembering Martin Luther King Jr.

    6:05:10 a.m. –    The I-Man is upset because Connell ‘oversold’ Richard Sherman’s Post-Game Interview with Erin Andrews.  Sherman was somewhat upset with the behavior of his opponent Michael Crabtree, and demonstrated the disdain he had for him with a mini-meltdown.  We don’t know what the Boss was expecting…short of Sherman spontaneously combusting or going into a fugue state while a frustrated Ms. Andrews asked questions to his vacant stare…   However, we do understand his disappointment.  When it comes to ‘Meltdowns’ Imus has set the bar pretty high…

    RICHARD SHERMAN…DON’T SAY ANYTHING UNTOWARD TO HIM…HE MIGHT GET…UPSET.

    6:06:12 a.m. – The Boss doesn’t seem all that enthused that L.L. Cool J will be hosting the Grammys again.  We hate to tell him that Billy Joe Shaver wasn’t even in the running for the job. 

    HEY BILLY JO!  GIMME A HIGH 3/12!

    6:16:32 a.m. – Imus tells us that he is taking bids from contractors to build a rodeo arena at his new property in Texas.  He tells the Boss that it will cost 5 Million Dollars.  It will be a great arena, Jumbotron, two restaurants, and a little playground for the kiddies.  The I-Man uses great restraint by not shooting the man with his Colt .45.

    THIS COWBOY CONTRACTOR IS NOT GOING TO BE ‘NAILING’ THE I-MAN ANY TIME SOON

    6:27:34 a.m. – The I-Man says he won’t talk to people who won’t take off their dark glasses.  Which means that he obviously doesn’t have many welder friends.

    WE DON’T BLAME THE BOSS FOR NOT WANTING TO TALK TO THIS GUY.  AND IT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE DARK GLASSES

    6:40:46 a.m. – The Great Dick Gregory is on, and Imus says that he always learns something every time Mr. Gregory is a guest.   Like, for instance, this morning, he learned that Dick once weighed 365 pounds.  Good thing there was a war for him to demonstrate against by going on a hunger strike. 

    DICK GREGORY…BEGINNING HIS JUICE FAST

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The I-Man picked the Superbowl Teams correctly.  Warner got them both WRONG, both Lou and Tony had ONE right, but the ONLY one to get both teams correct was The Boss.  Something that he will graciously acknowledge this morning, and that will be the end of it… we will never hear anything about it again.    Yah.   And he’s going to have that contractor build a 5 Million Dollar Rodeo Arena in Brenham.

    WE HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT, JUST THIS MORNING, THE I-MAN SUCCESSFULLY PREDICTED THIS MATCHUP

    7:17:15 a.m. –  Dagen hopes that something goes terribly wrong with the upcoming Live TV production of the Musical ‘Peter Pan’.  She wants it to go like ‘Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark’…with fly wires snapping and actors dropping to the stage.  Which is a distinct possibility, when you consider that Harvey Fierstein.

    EVEN IF THEY DON’T GET HIM TO FLY…PETER’S GONNA THROW ONE HELLUVA SHADOW

    7:38:16 a.m. –  As he does every year, the I-Man plays The Reverend Martin Luther King Jr.’s  profoundly moving “I Have a Dream” speech.

     

    8:05:02 a.m. –  The I-Man reasserts his prediction that Jimmy Fallon will be fabulous…he will blow the doors off.  Unlike the Football Picks…we don’t see ANY chance of that happening.  He picked the two top teams, both favorites…really stuck his neck out on that one.

    FALLON’S GONNA ‘BREAK BAD’…HE IS ‘THE ONE WHO KNOCKS’…

    8:17:34 a.m. – Warner reads a story about Jets Tight End Kellen Winslow, who was accused of pleasuring himself in a Target parking lot.   We wonder if he hit the Target.  Bullseye?  Better wear your raincoat.

    NOW WE KNOW WHY THE CALL HIM ‘THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD’

    8:38:37 a.m. – Carl ‘Two Questions’ Jeffers is on to discuss Race Relations in America…and Dental Care.  He mentions he’s had some work done, and the I-Man is positively SHOCKED that Carl didn’t ask for any ‘Pain Killers’.  Carl says that he just takes what the Doctor prescribes.  In this case, Tylenol.  You just don’t get it, Carl, do you?  What is wrong with you?  Don’t you know the I-Man pays up to 10 bucks a pill?  What are you, a Communist?

    VICODIN…THEY’RE NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANY MORE.

    9:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man reveals that there are Hunter’s Blinds on his property in Texas.  The man who is against Duck Calls is now, apparently fine with a structure designed to hide grown men with high powered rifles, so they can pick off Deer from afar.   We think that falls under the ‘Dupe the Ducks’ philosophy:  ‘ Bamboozle the Bucks’.

    “HEY…BAMBI…AM I JUST PARANOID, OR DO YOU ALSO GET THE FEELING WE’RE BEING WATCHED?”

    9:07:14 a.m. – Imus tells us all that when he is told that something is ‘Off the Record’, he doesn’t say anything about it.  But if someone does provide him with some juicy tidbit, and they neglect to call ‘Ollyoxinfree’, he will report it.  It’s his duty as an ‘Investigative Journalist’.    Yeah, he’s a regular Edward R. Murrow.  The only thing different between him and Geraldo Rivera is…nobody’s broken his nose yet. 

    “YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO PUT YOURSELF IN DANGER, I-MAN.   I SUGGEST TO TRAIN, YOU EAT EITHER A HOT DOG OR A HAMBURGER IN FRONT OF DEIRDRE.  YOU MIGHT WANT TO WEAR A HELMET.”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    There could only be one ‘Video of the Day’ today.

    And it’s not the Richard Sherman Interview.

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRIF4_WzU1w 

     

    Friday
    Jan172014

    First Time, Long Time. I Love Your Skits

    6:05:10 a.m. –    The I-Man is NOT in a good mood.  Something happened last night that, the more he thinks about it, the more irritated he gets.  He can’t tell us what it is, we’re just happy it’s none of us.  We think.  Somehow, we just know it’s eventually going to wind up being Rob’s fault.

     

    6:17:34 a.m. – Tony and Gunz are upstairs, simulating this weekend’s Playoff Games on a PS 4.  Gunz is in trouble. He doesn’t know that Tony watched Twelve Years A Slave last night.  Tony is…shall we say… ‘A Fierce Competitor’?   That’s putting it nicely.  He’s a brute.  However he is the Ultimate Sportsman…telling Gunz “Look what I did to you!  And I didn’t even have to buy you dinner first!”

    GROWN MEN…SIMULATING A GAME THAT HASN’T YET HAPPENED…LIVE ON NATIONAL RADIO AND TELEVISION.  WE COULD KILL PUPPIES WITH A HAMMER AND THE RATINGS COULDN’T GET ANY WORSE.

    6:40:46 a.m. – Josh Patch, and his new band, J.D. Patch and The Rowdy Few play for us this morning. They’re good.  Josh, formally of The Clatty Lads is excellent. The only thing he sucks at is naming his bands.  The Twist probably wouldn’t have sold nearly as many copies if it was sung by “I Got A Thyroid Problem” Checker.

    A BAND NAME SO BAD, WE’RE SURPRISED J.D. PATCH ISN’T A MEMBER

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The Lovely Lori Rothman is on, filling in for Dagen .  She is about as cheerful and energetic as it gets.  She’s perkier than the nipples on the Abominable Snowman.  We love her, but…NOBODY…not even Flight Attendants, are that happy. 

    TAKE THE ‘CHEERFUL’ DOWN ABOUT 50 NOTCHES, OKAY, SWEETHEART?

    7:11:22 a.m. – It’s all over!  Denver has triumphed over New England.  Tony has beaten Gunz 35-21.   The boy got schooled by the master.  To be fair, Tony started playing Madden back when it was still called ‘Pong’.

    ATARI’S MADDEN ‘78

    7:38:16a.m. – Father Jonathan Morris is on to help the I-Man work through his bad mood. Like most exorcisms the I-Man is resistant. Coincidentally as Father Morris sits in front of Imus, He yells for Nat to adjust the temperature of his portable heater.  “It’s so hot I’m about to burst into flame”. Oddly the heater wasn’t plugged in. As Father Morris leaves Imus screams “I’m Freezing again” We ask Father Morris to bless our Dasani Water. You know….Just in case.

    FATHER JONATHAN HAS A VIAL OF HOLY POLAND SPRING

     “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!”

    7:38:16a.m. –  “Vinnie From Queens”   Gunz is sporting a hairstyle that…well, we’ll just say this about it.   Not even FRANK LUNTZ would be caught DEAD in.  He’s got the front teased up into some kind of Rooster Tail that makes it appear that he’s either seen something really scary, or got his hair cut during a power surge.  Jesus, does he look stupid.  We just don’t understand how he could roll out of the bed in the morning, look in the mirror and go “Yeah.  That’s the ticket.” 

    NO.  JUST…NO.  NO NO NO NO NO.

    8:05:02 a.m. –  J.D. Patch and the Band are going to do a couple of tunes at the bottom of the hour, and you know they are being taken very seriously as musical artists.  First of all, The I-Man has bestowed Kudos upon them, , but…there are also Egg Wrap Sandwiches in the Green Room… which means they have definitely arrived.

    JOSH KICKIN’ BACK WITH A COUPLA BREWSKIS FOR BREAKFAST

    8:07:02 a.m. –  Tony and Gunz play Game 2 of the ‘Imus Bowl’…this time, Gunz is the Seattle Seahawks, and Tony is the San Fransisco 49ers.  This is not going to be pretty. 

     

    8:13:06 a.m. – Tony didn’t open a can of Whoopass…he made it from scratch.  Michael ‘Gunz’ Gunzleman is now Anthony Van Powell’s bitch.   Gunz couldn’t be beaten any harder than if he had been standing on the corner of Florence and Normandie during the L.A. Riots.  Reginald Denny got it easy, compared to Gunz’s drubbing by Mr. Powell. Can’t we all just get along?

    WOW, GUNZ…TONY REALLY DID A JOB ON YOU!

    8:17:34 a.m. – Imus watched the ’30 for 30’ on ESPN last night, the one with Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan…although Nancy Kerrigan wasn’t really on it.  We discover that Lori learned about Tanya Harding when she was an intern. “Intern?”  Imus asks incredulously, “I’m surprised they didn’t give you the corner office.”    She would have gotten one…if Dagen hadn’t hired somebody to hit her in the knee with a tire iron.

    “GET THIS STRAIGHT, ROTHMAN…THIS TOWN AIN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR YOU…

    EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE ONLY FOUR FOOT TALL

    9:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man wonders why we have such an old demographic?  Old?  The kids LOVE us!  Okay, they may be 85…those aren’t Big Wheels, they’re Little Rascal Scooters…but they’re young at heart.  They smile all the time.  Because they’re senile.  Which is good for us because you can tell the same joke over and over again and they will laugh like it’s the first time they heard it…every single time.  Imus asked if everyone had heard his ‘Mama T’ story.  85% of our audience said… ‘No’.   How are you going to get these old people to fill out their Arbitron Books, I-Man?  “I’m gonna start with this one, right here.”

    “HEY I-MAN…FIRST TIME, LONG TIME.  I LOVE YOUR SKITS.”

    9:07:14 a.m. –  Connell reads a story that reveals Erectile Dysfunction is one of the maladies that are affected by smoking.   Which makes ‘Having a Cigarette’ afterwards…a moot point.  Someone once asked if we smoked after sex…but to be honest, we never looked.  Probably, if we did it right.

    HARRY REID.  SMOKIN’ IN THE SACK.  LITERALLY, HIS SACK.

    9:10:20 a.m. –  Just checking on our demographic again…

    “HEY I-MAN…FIRST TIME, LONG TIME.  I LOVE YOUR SKITS.”

    9:12:24 a.m. – See?  We told you.

    “HEY I-MAN…FIRST TIME, LONG TIME.  I LOVE YOUR SKITS.”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A couple of amusing examples of how easily football can be

    Confused and Misconstrued

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zce-QT7MGSE

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HW4J-RiCZ2Q

    Thursday
    Jan162014

    The I-Man Watched Duck Dynasty

    6:05:10 a.m. –    In his attempt to bring himself right to the edge of the Popular Culture, the I-Man watched ‘American Idol’ and ‘Duck Dynasty’ last night.  His conclusion?  “I can’t do it.  It’s all the same stuff.”   He then digressed like Maureen Dowd at a cocktail party, telling an inspirational story about ‘Mama T and the Lepers’, and relayed some sage advice from 8 Time World Champion and Two Time Olympic Calf Roping Champion, Joe Beaver: “90 percent of everything is mental.”   We agree.  He’s way more than 90 percent mental.

     

    JASE ROBERTSON (2ND FROM RIGHT ON THE RIGHT) WANTS TO KNOW IF THERE’S A CALL TO HELP HUNT THAT THING ON HARRY CONNICK JR.’S HEAD

    6:17:34 a.m. – The I-Man has to have his ears snaked every 3 months, because the stuff that builds up doesn’t drain the way it’s supposed to.  So he went to see Dr. Gwen Korovin, who spent an hour and a half digging the stuff out of his Eustachian Tubes.  It, as you might imagine, hurt like a mother$#^&er.  The Boss flinches every time Dr. Korovin came near him…which, to be fair, you would be too, if someone was using a backhoe to dig stuff out of your ears.  We suggest the Boss get some ‘Dinovite’.  That seemed to help that guy’s dog who had the problem with the oozing pus coming out of his ears.

    BE HONEST…IF SHE CAME AT YOU WITH A SHARP OBJECT,

    WOULDN’T YOU  FLINCH TOO?

    6:40:46 a.m. –  Bret Baer is on to discuss Benghazi and Chris Christie, two of the biggest stories of the week.  We don’t mean that Christie OR Hillary are what makes the stories big…we just mean that…um…ah,  $#&@ it!  They’re fat.  That makes it a big story. 

    TWEEDLE DUM…AND TWEEDLE DUMBER

    7:17:15 a.m. –  Connell reads a news story about a flight attendant at Pinnacle Airlines that got fired for being sky high. Old girl couldn’t even write out her own name she was so drunk. “Fashenen your seat belt?  Hey…hey!  You know what?  I…I love you man.  I reallllly love you.  You don’t have to put your shhheat backs into their original locked and upright poshishions…  F%$# that $#*t… who wants to plaaaay quartersszzz?”

    “HEY!  I AM SOOOOOOOO F%$#ED UP RIGHT NOW!  I NEED AN OXYGEN MASK TO DEPLOY!”

    7:38:16a.m. – The Mensa meeting was very successful, in that, we don’t have to apologize to anybody this week.  Unless, of course, old men with erectile dysfunction have a spokesperson.  Thanks, Dice.  Although, any old man who can’t get a boner who wants to make that public knowledge…wouldn’t be much of a threat in the first place.

    “THIS FINGER IS THE HARDEST THING ON MY BODY!”

    8:05:02 a.m. –  We reminisce about Harry Connick Jr.’s devil of a publicist, who gave Carley a hard time a couple of years ago when Mr. Connick was a guest on the program.  ‘Hard time’ is actually a much nicer way of putting it.  The Bitch ripped our favorite Associate Producer a new one.  Harry’s P.R. person dropped the ball, not asking him for his 5 favorite songs, and when the I-Man was going on and on about it on the air, (which is so unusual for him) she took that as an opportunity to slam Carley, as if it were HER fault.  The I-Man vows revenge.  They say that it’s a dish best served cold.  Imus likes to wait until it’s completely frozen over.

    THE HEAD OF HARRY’S ENTOURAGE.  YOU KNOW IT’S NOT GOING TO BE PRETTY FOR HER, ONCE THE I-MAN FINDS OUT HER NAME

    8:15:30 a.m. –   Connell reports that Trace Adkins got into a fistfight with a…Trace Adkins impersonator…on a cruise.  Sorry…we buried the lead…Trace Adkins was on a cruise!  What the hell was he thinking?   What happened?  They couldn’t get the band from The Poseidon Adventure back together? 

    TRACE ADKINS AND HIS ‘IMPERSONATOR’  WILL THE REAL GUY WHO’S HEADED FOR REHAB PLEASE THROW UP?

    8:38:37 a.m. –  Back in the Greenroom, we watch the Academy Award Nominations, rather than listen to the first part of the Mike Lupica segment about Chris Christie, opting to read his column about it instead.  We love Lupy. But we love Chiwetel Ejiofor just a little bit more.  We are shocked by some of the Academy’s ‘Snubs’…Tom Hanks for Best Actor, Spike Jonze for Director of Best Picture nominated ‘Her’.  And best Foreign Language Performance…Bo Dietl in ‘Wolf of Wall Street’. 

    IT’S AN INFAMIA.  BO ACTITATED HIS ASSIZATION OFF…REALLY STRETCHING HIS ACTING MUSCLE PLAYING…HIMSELF

    9:05:10 a.m. –   Although Tony is very happy that Barkahad Abdi, Lupita Nyong’o and Chiwetel Ejiofor were all nominated for Oscars, he believes they are all participating in a scam…they all just changed their names to African sounding ones so as to appear more ‘exotic’.   Hollywood loves African babies, so its not a stretch that they would love grown up African actors.  Their real names are actually Barry Abbot, Lorraine Neal and Charley Evans.   We just bemoan the fact that Tom Brokaw is no longer doing the Nightly News, because if he were, while reporting this headline story tonight, he would swallow his own tongue while trying to pronounce ‘Barkahad Abdi, Lupita Nyong’o and Chiwetel Ejiofor’.

    “GLU…GLU…PITA…NEE…CHEWLOO…ELGIT…EL…UM…AND THE GUY FROM CAPTAIN PHILLIPS.”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE YET TO ENJOY THE ESCAPADES OF THE ROBERTSON FAMILY ON ‘DUCK DYNASTY’, HEREWITH BE A COUPLE OF CELEBRATIONS OF THE BACKWOODS PHILOSOPHY OF THE GENIUS KNOWN AS “UNCLE SI”

    “HEY, YOU WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT…DON’T ASK ME.”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mnd_oiCFi8 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bzWdYmjmE0

    Wednesday
    Jan152014

    Country Music Royalty Rosanne Cash!

    6:05:10 a.m. –    Country Music Royalty is here this morning.  The Amazing Rosanne Cash.  She and her husband, John Leventhal, are here with a kickass band to do songs from her new album, ‘The River & The Thread’.  It’s her first new songs in 7 years, and all of them were inspired by her family history and driving south.  She had Brain Surgery in 2007 and you wouldn’t know it to hear her talk.  Weird that the I-Man has NOT had Brain Surgery, yet he sounds like he should have.

    ROSEANNE CASH – THE REAL DEAL

    6:06:12 a.m. –  Connell reports about the NSA’s ability to monitor computers that AREN’T connected to the Internet.  (So you better be careful what games you decide to play on your Nintendo 64.) Connell warns that ‘Nobody’s secrets are safe.’   The I-Man maintains that he has no secrets that he’s afraid about getting out.  We think Deirdre may have one or two…like, for instance, the identity of Wyatt’s real father.

    “HIS DADDY IS…WHO?  WOW!  NO WONDER HE’S SUCH A GREAT CALF ROPER!”

    6:3234 a.m. – Ms. Cash, Mr. Leventhal and the band do ‘Etta’s Tune’, a plaintive song that has the recurring phrase ‘What’s the Temperature Darlin’?’   Another coincidence, because, every day this winter, Imus has asked the same question.  Of course, he substitutes the word ‘Numbnut’s for ‘Darlin’’, but, nonetheless he DOES ask it.  Repeatedly.  Partially because he’s forgotten he’s just asked it seconds ago, and partly because old people get cold.

    TEMPERATURE IMUS FEELS IN STUDIO             ACTUAL TEMPERATURE IN STUDIO

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The I-Man professes his love for Jimmy Swaggart, but mentions that “Donnie Swaggart’, the Rev’s son, looks like ‘The product of parents who may be related to each other more than just by marriage…he got them Amy Carter eyes.”

    DONNIE SWAGGART.  A CHIP OFF THE OL’…1ST COUSIN. 

    HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS ‘UNCLE DADDY’

    7:07:15 a.m. –  The I-Man, after interviewing the fascinating Ms. Cash and her husband remarks that she is one of the only musicians he can think of where the progeny was as talented and became as famous as their parent.  Rosanne certainly brings nothing but honor to the legacy of The Man in Black, her father, Johnny Cash.  Of course the same could be said about Nancy Sinatra.  Because as we sit here, one of Jilly Rizzo’s boys has a gun to our heads.

    BLANKET JACKSON.  WE’RE SURE HE’S JUST AS TALENTED AS HIS FATHER, MICHAEL.

    IF MICHAEL, IS, INDEED, HIS FATHER. 

    7:33:16a.m. – Rosanne and the band does ‘A Feather’s Not a Bird’.  The I-Man says that we won’t be able to get the tune out of our heads all day. 

    A FEATHER’S NOT A BIRD…AND A BIRD IS NOT A TURD

    (HER SONG WAS A LOT MORE ELEGANT…ALTHOUGH WE WISH SHE’D USED THE LYRICS WE WROTE HER)

    7:34:07 a.m. – I-Man is right.  We CAN’T get that song out of our heads.

    7:38:16a.m. – Blonde on Blonde, surprisingly, ends quite unpleasantly.  Deirdre and Lis have a heated argument about screaming babies being banned from restaurants…Deirdre is appalled, while Lis just wants to eat her 45 dollar baked potato in peace, which is not surprising when you consider what a selfish, self-absorbed, holier than thou, hideous child hating witch she is.  This leads Deirdre to go on a rant about parents with autism…which, we assume as the segment ends, will end with an off-air diatribe about the evils of vaccinations.  Thanks, Screaming Babies.  Because of you, we just lost Eli Lilly, makers of Thimerosal, as a sponsor.

    ELI LILLY

    “I DRANK A PINT OF THIMEROSAL, EVERY DAY, FOR 50 YEARS.

     DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO ME!”

    8:05:02 a.m. – We STILL can’t get that song out of our heads. 

    8:06:12 a.m. – Usually, Car Dealers treat the I-Man as if he were a 20 dollar whore.  Not Mercedes Benz of Manhattan.  Joe, Deirdre’s driver, noticed that there was a slow leak in one of the tires.  He took it to a local tire place, where they informed him that he needed a new 600 dollar rim.  He went to Mercedes Benz, where, incredibly, they found it was merely a faulty valve.  They fixed it.  NO CHARGE.   It’s good to be the I-Man. 

    THE I-MAN’S MERCEDES S550.  WINDSHIELD WIPER BLADES ARE 11 THOUSAND DOLLARS

    8:11:15 a.m. – “A feather’s not a bird…a feather’s not a bird….” Damn you, Rosanne Cash!

    THAT GIRL JUST MIGHT HAVE A CAREER IN THE MUSIC BUSINESS

    8:12:13 a.m. – Dagen reports that Marvin Gaye’s family has settled a portion of their lawsuit over the similarities between Robin Thicke’s hit song “Blurred Lines” and Gaye’s “Got to Give It Up”.   I-Man notes the irony in the fact that Gaye’s family is benefitting from his music, when it was his old man who shot him in the first place.

    “HEY MARVIN…I GOT A .45 I WANT YOU TO HEAR.”

    8:43:06 a.m. – Rosanne and the Band do another two tunes off the new, instant classic, album.  There’s something to be said to be attending a private concert of a major National Headliner act, sitting in the second row among a crowd of…11.  It’s like a private audience.  We feel special.  Then Imus tells us how much we suck, and we are back on earth again.  Thanks for pulling our coats, I-Man, and keeping us ‘Well Grounded.’  Some day, we hope to keep YOU well grounded.  Well UNDER it.

    THE RIVER AND THE THREAD.  BUY THAT RECORD.  NOW.   YOU KNOW WHY?

    BECAUSE A ‘FEATHER’S NOT A BIRD’, THAT’S WHY!

    9:20:10 a.m. – Bernie reports on the Israeli Defense Minister’s dislike of, and disdain for, our Secretary of State John Kerry.  “Beanie wearing little shmuck.”  Great work, I-Man.  Didn’t make enough apologies this week?

    “HEY.  KERRY.  YOU SHOULD GET THE HELL OUT.”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    We aren’t quite sure you understand just what an ear worm this Rosanne Cash song is. 

    Therefore, we feel the need to illustrate:

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdUcI9SdAPA 

    Tuesday
    Jan142014

    Dysfunctional House on the Prairie

    6:05:10 a.m. –    Bismarck is out sick today.  Which means the I-Man might not have makeup on today.  DAMN YOU, BISMARCK!  Fortunately, Dawn , from downstairs, comes up to powder the Boss’s mug.  It could’ve gotten ugly there …

    BEFORE                                  AFTER

    6:06:12 a.m. –  Josh Patch, formerly of the ‘Claddie Lads’ the musical group that SHOULD have won the Imus in the Morning Battle of the Bands, will be the musical guest on Friday.  Recently, at a gig in Brooklyn, Dave Grohl of Nirvana and The Foo Fighters came up to Josh and said… ‘I love to jam’.  Josh’s reply?  ‘That’s great!’    What a maroon.  It’s like the time Rob turned McCartney down when he wanted to do a quick acoustic set during a gig at Uncle Vinnie’s Comedy Club. 

    “HEY, DAVE!  I’M A BIG FAN OF ‘ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS’

    6:42:46 a.m. –  Bo Dietl weighing in on Obama and Governor Christie, coins a new phrase:  “Dickatatious”   It could be a “Doucheatation Situation”

    A ‘DICKITATIOUS’ PERSONIZATION OF WHAT IS MOST DEFINITELY

    A ‘DOUCHEATATION  SITUATION’

    6:57:14 a.m. – Nothing better than watching the breathing challenged I-Man try to blow up his Starbucks bag  so that he can pop it during Connell’s Newscast.  He gets about as much air into the bag as he can, which results in a ‘pop’ that sounds like one Rice Krispie.  He’s the only one startled by the noise…which, considering he’s deaf, is quite a feat.

    IT’S OBVIOUSLY THIS WOMAN’S BIRTHDAY.  TOO BAD SHE WON’T BE BLOWING OUT THE CANDLES ON THE CAKE.

    7:05:15 a.m. – Connell and the I-Man are dressed identically this morning.  It’s kinda cute, actually, with Connell dressed up like his Radio Daddy.  Like a ‘Before and After’ photo, where the ‘After’ goes horribly wrong.

    THE OLSEN TWINS FROM HELL

    7:17:15 a.m. –  Warner observes that Colin Kapernick and Russell Wilson’s stats are like ‘Looking at a mirror.’  Imus corrects him, saying it’s ‘Looking IN a mirror’.  Leave it to the I-Man to get to the heart of the matter. Bigfoot puts up a graphic of the stats…they are pretty close, but nowhere NEAR identical.  But if you care about these kinds of things…we think you might want to consider doing some community service work, because…you seriously need to put a down payment on a life.

    “IT’S LIKE LOOKING ON A MIRROR!”

    7:25:50 a.m. – Because attention to detail is of the utmost importance to the I-Man, he has us ‘Google’ the name of Woody Allen’s organist.  “It’s…Dick something.”   We don’t suggest that you put the words ‘Woody’ ‘Organ’ and ‘Dick’ in any search engine…especially if you happen to be at work.  However, after wading through all the results that come from Gay Porn sites, we finally find the man’s name.  It’s Dick Hyman.   We are dead serious.  Dick Hyman.  Boy, are we glad we didn’t know that first.  And boy, are we even gladder his first name wasn’t ‘Buster’.

    DICK HYMAN.  THAT WAS HIS STAGE NAME.  HIS REAL NAME WAS ‘UTERUS’

    7:35:02 a.m. –  “Hollywood & Vine”.  Imogen, Riedel and Rob.  Riedel makes points with absolutely NO knowledge of what he’s talking about, Imogen attempts to make sense, and Rob…is better.   It’s a spirited, amusing segment, a takedown of Hollywood, that begins with Rob telling the Frank Rich wannabe Riedel, “You NEVER get anything right.”, and ends with Riedel quoting Jacqueline Bisset “Go to Hell and don’t come back.”, to which Rob responds “Bite me, Riedel.”  Just all part of ‘Typical Tuesday’ on The Imus in the Morning Program.

    RIEDEL TREATS ROB TO SOME OF HIS ‘DRUNK MONKEY WRITER’S STYLE’ WHILE ROB COUNTERS WITH HIS ‘STAND UP DRAGON’

    7:56:11 a.m. –  Imus has a ‘Lightbulb’ moment.  He realizes that coffee in a metal thermos, remains hot.  That’s right up there with the time when he discovered that slamming his penis in a window sill…hurts.

    A YOUNG I-MAN MAKES A CRITICAL DISCOVERY

    8:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man talks about what a struggle it is to get up in the morning and come to work.  He’s worn out by just the thought of having to get dressed.  He has to decide which pair of cowboy boots to choose out of the 25 he owns, as well as which of his 30 Joseph Abboud Jackets to wear.  Hmmm.  White People’s Problems.

    AN EVEN YOUNGER I-MAN HAS BRANT’S FATHER TAKE HIM TO SCHOOL

    8:17:34 a.m. –  The only thing the I-Man loves more than reading the ‘My Pillow’ spots for the 9000th time, is reading the Chamonix spots for the 50,000th time.  It’s the Genucel eye ointment that reduces the bags under your peepers.  He reads one of the testimonial letters written by ‘Ross’…but just as he gets to the end he realizes that…it’s ‘Rosa’.  Unfortunately Genucel doesn’t do anything for your eyes that will replace the need for the use of your glasses.  Good thing he didn’t realize it was ‘Rosa’.  Otherwise he would’ve replaced his foppish read of the ‘Ross’ character with his trademark Mexican accent. 

    ROSS/ROSA : SHE MAY HAVE WHISKERS AND AN ADAM’S APPLE ALONG WITH A LOVELY SET OF BREASTS, BUT YOU’LL NOTICE HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY BAGS UNDER HER EYES

    8:38:37 a.m. – Richard Kinky ‘Big Dick’ Friedman is on to discuss his campaign for Texas Agricultural Commisioner.  And he actually has a good shot at it happening.  He was unsuccessful in both his runs for Justice of the Peace in Kerrville, and Governor of the Lone Star State.  But he’s got ‘The Weed Vote’ for sure.  Which is a demographic that might have a problem remembering that election day is on a Tuesday.

    A VOTE FOR THE KINKSTER…IS A VOTE FOR AMERICA!

    9:07:10 a.m. – Dagen, having been the one who drew attention to the fact that Connell and Imus were dressed alike this morning, maintains that all Connell need do to complete his full conversion over to the Dark Side of the Force, is get himself a ‘Michael Landon Haircut’.  Or a ‘Mandon’, as it is known in the Stylist world.  It’s not quite as egregious as the Paul McCartney and Wings hairdo, the ‘McMullet’, but it’s a pretty accurate representation of the mane the I-Man is sporting.  Then all we need would be Melissa Francis, and we could start taping ‘The Further Adventures of Little House on the Prairie-2014’.   We’re sure Melissa would probably be on board…unless, of course, she would have to give her wackjob mother a 20% commission.

    DYSFUNCTIONAL HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeVO4Zj8JMo&list=PLB26C9509A6EE4EB3 

    We take a trip down memory lane with the Ingalls’ family.  Dagen, Connell, Imus, The Baby, (nobody remembers her name) and Melissa.  Who, by the way, is having an anxiety attack as we speak, just THINKING about those days.

    (By the way, who’s that crazy lady in the lobby claiming to be her Mom?)

    (We hope Melissa’s office door is open so we can apologize to her for this part of the blog)