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    Monday
    Oct282013

    The I-Man Be Lovin Some I-Hop

    6:05:00 a.m.  –  Cody Ohl, Number Three Cowboy in the world won the match roping competition in San Angelo Texas this weekend…put an ass whuppin’ on the much younger, Number One in the World, Tuf Cooper.  Cody was on the ‘Horse of the Year’, while Tuf decided to ride a 25 year old, incontinent, deaf horse with Parkinson’s.   No wonder he lost.

    CODY (L) SHOWED THE KID, (R) THAT HE AIN’T ALL THAT ‘TUF’

    6:07:56 a.m. –  “IHOP is the greatest restaurant ever.”   The I-Man REALLY needs to get out of the house more often.  He’s quite a gourmand.  First it was The Olive Garden and Pizza Hut, now it’s the International House of Pancakes.  Which, by the way, doesn’t just serve pancakes.  They have “A Great Belgian Waffle…and hash browns…and there’s Cholula on the table!”  Yeah, Boss…you think that stuff is good…you should try their Veal Parmagiana and Beef Stroganoff. 

    WHERE’S THE BACON?  CHECK YOUR PANTS.

    6:15:12 a.m. –  On the topic of the NSA tapping Angela Merkel’s phone, the I-Man observes “World leaders are just like your friends.  As soon as you leave the room, they’re talking about you.”  “Oh my God, I can’t believe France is wearing a White Beret after Labor Day.”  Spain is just jealous.  Matador pants are NEVER in season.

    QUEL DOMMAGE!

    6:25:34 a.m. –  Warner ‘Got Jokes’ today.  Which, as we’re sure you’re aware, is NEVER a good thing.  He makes a pun at the expense of Cardinals’ pinch runner, Rookie Kolten Wong.  The Hawaiian lad got picked off, clinching the win for the Red Sox.  Warner’s take?  “He ran the Wong way.”   We told you it’s NEVER a good thing.

    EVEN IF HE HAD A TWIN BROTHER, ‘TWO WONGS WOULD NOT MAKE A WIGHT.’

    6:27:28 a.m. –  I-Man relates a story about the ‘Fat Bastard’ sitting behind him at the Rodeo.  The Boss counted the dude drinking TWENTY TWO BEERS.  And smoked the whole time.  Of course, Deirdre was thrilled with this behavior, which caused Imus to confront the dude and tell the Morbidly Obese Drunk that he was going to shove those cigarettes where the sun don’t shine.  Oh, by the way, this all happened in an alternate universe.  Apparently, Imus cut the Pesky Porker some slack because “He had a great laugh.”   Well, you know what they say…fat people are jolly.  Especially when they’re $#!&faced.

    HAVE ANOTHER ONE, TINY, YOU HAVEN’T PEED YOURSELF YET

    6:40:22 a.m. –  The Great Bo Dietl is on, and is about to bust a blood vessel, which would make those new stents he had put in his heart a moot point.  He’s exorcised because he believes the President is watching him on TV.  We think our favorite Super Cop is having a Paranoiditation Delusionalization Situation.  Obama is not watching him.   His dog is.  Because every time he hears the word ‘BO’, he thinks they’re talking about HIM.

    “IS THAT OLD LESBIAN SAYING MY NAME? BECAUSE, I’M ABOUT TO TAKE A CRAPITATION SITUATION ON THE LAWN”

    7:05:45 a.m. –  Roy Cooper, he himself an 8 time world champion calf roper, and father of Tuf Cooper, the current reigning world champion…was wearing Mom Jeans.    The I-Man says it looked like Roy was wearing a diaper.  We know.  We know.

    ROY.  SAY IT AIN’T SO, DUDE!

    7:22:57 a.m. – Imus reveals that he was sitting in front of the fat, beer swilling smoking dude…while he was using his oxygen tank.  There was a Wile E. Coyote, Roadrunner style Mushroom Cloud waiting to happen. 

    BETWEEN THE FAT BASTARD’S SMOKING, HIS BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL AND THE OXYGEN TANK, THE I-MAN ALMOST WOUND UP LIKE THIS

    7:40:19 a.m. – Christopher, ‘Mad Dog’ Russo is on, discussing the firing of  Dino Costa, one of the Broadcasters on his Sirius ‘Mad Dog Radio’ Channel.  Apparently, Mr. Costa was an egomaniac who bad mouthed the company for not giving him a raise.  At least Dino knows how to pronounce ‘Darth Vader’.

    RUSSO INVOKING THE NAME OF THE ‘DARK LORD’ FROM STAR WARS…IS LIKE TOM BROKAW TRYING TO READ A LIMERICK ABOUT ‘LOUIS L’AMOUR’

    8:05:33 a.m. –   We’ve been looking for a song by ‘Elmo Bush’.  Elmo Bush?  From what we know about Elmo…apparently, he doesn’t like ‘Bush’.  Which is one of the reasons why he’s being sued.  The I-Man means Elmo Buzz.  

    TODD SNIDER AND ELMO BUZZ AND THE EASTSIDE BULLDOGS.  THEIR LATEST ALBUM IS TITLED ‘S#!* SANDWICH’.  INDEED.

    8:12:12 a.m. –   The I-Man always tips well.  This weekend, at the International House of Pancakes, he gave the waiter a hundred dollars for a 19 dollar bill and told him to ‘Keep the change.’   That’s how he rolls. Like a movie star. The waiter burst into tears, and for the rest of the day, told everyone he had waited on Helen Hayes.

    A 500% TIP…ONE OF THE MANY REASONS WHY THE I-MAN IS A LEGEND.

    8:15:56 a.m. –   Imus reads a Chamonix spot, for their eye cream, so the womens don’t have to have them ‘Chuck Hagel’ bags under their peepers, and there’s a letter from a satisfied customer who says Chamonix got rid of her bags…and the I-Man muses that “Too bad it can’t do anything for that fat ass you got.”   He advises George Faltaous, the head of Chamonix to come up with some ‘Fat Ass Cream’.   He calls it “Big Butt Butter”.   They are going to make a BILLION dollars.

     

    8:41:56 a.m. –   Anthony Mason from CBS News talks music with the I-Man.  Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix are the topics of discussion.  Imus informs Mr. Mason that Jimi used to play guitar for Little Richard.  And interestingly enough, Little Richard is the only one in Rock n’ Roll who DIDN’T have sex with Janis Joplin.

    JANIS JOPLIN?  SHUT UP!

    9:11:37 a.m. –  Imus has some advice for those who come up to him at the rodeo to give him a copy of their book, hoping he will do something with it.  He will do something with it.  He will throw it the hell out.  He’s kind of like the literary version of a drug dealer.  He doesn’t read books.  He just sells books.

    “YO YO.  CHECK IT OUT.  HUCKLEBERRY FINN.  DON’T READ IT ALL AT ONCE…SAVE SOME FOR LATER.  IT’LL HIT YOU HARD.  ESPECIALLY THE PART WHERE THEY GO DOWN THE RIVER…”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN HONOR OF THE NEARLY FATAL, COYOTE/ROADRUNNER STYLE ACCIDENT THAT MIGHT HAVE TRANSPIRED AT THE RODEO WITH THE SMOKING DRUNK BASTARD AND IMUS’ OXYGEN TANK, WE OFFER THE FAMILY GUY’S TAKE ON THE CLASSIC RIVALRY BETWEEN THE ‘CANIS LATRANS’ AND THE’GEOCOCCYX CALIFORNIANUS’

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bj78yCaumpc

    Thursday
    Oct242013

    Kevin Magee From Downtown!

    6:05:00 a.m.  - Imus is going to San Angelo, Texas this morning, and we wonder if his choice of wardrobe today is somehow connected to the trip.  He is resplendent in a crisply pressed, pristine white shirt.  We surmise that in addition to the Rodeos Wyatt will compete in this weekend, the I-Man will be baptized in the Concho River.

    “DO YOU BELIEVE IN JESUS?  GOOD.  BECAUSE YOU’RE ABOUT TO SEE HIM.”

    6:15:12 a.m. –  The I-Man hips us to Jimmy Reed’s recording sessions.  “Did you know that on a lot of Jimmy Reed records, his sister beat on a box?”  We are hoping that it was to provide percussion in lieu of a drumset.    We’d hate to think she was that lonely.

    “GIRL? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN’?”

    6:40:28 a.m. –  Stuart Varney is on to talk about Obamacare…and it’s clear he’s an opponent of Socialized Medicine.  Which is ironic, given his British Citizenship.  The difference over there is…they obviously don’t have a dental plan.

    A YOUNG STUART VARNEY IN PICCADILLY CIRCUS.  YEAH, BABY!

    7:05:57 a.m. –  Imus relates that every time he hears somebody calls their radio show… ‘Whoever…In The Morning’, he gets irritated.  He says he realizes that, he’s a legend and a genius and should be above that type of thinking, but yet, he’s still annoyed by the biting of his style.  When we point out that ‘Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery’, he says “Well then, Wolfman Jack must be VERY flattered.”  

    ROBERT WESTON SMITH.  IF HE’S LYIN’ HE’S DYIN’. HE MUST’VE LIED.

    BUT HIS ACT IS ALIVE AND WELL ON WABC RADIO AND FOX BUSINESS TV

    7:15:11 a.m. – Dagen’s Business Report is about the actor who was just hired to replace ‘Sons of Anarchy’ star Charlie Hunnam.  In her and Carley’s estimations, Jamie Dornan is not as ‘hot’ as Charlie Hunnam.  Carley goes so far to suggest that Hunnam is ‘Out of this world hot.’   Dagen advises Carley to “Keep that image in the back of your head in case you ever need it.”   Imus now feels dirty.  So do we.  And we LOVE it.

    4%                                                       94%

    HOTNESS FACTOR ACCORDING TO THE ‘MCDOWELL, SHIMKUS SCALE’

    2% ‘UNDECIDED’ (LESBIANS)

    7:40:19 a.m. –  Mensa Meeting.  The new Quintuplet Incarnation, including Lis Wiehl, so it’s Blonde and Blonde Mensa Meeting.  It’s ‘Blensa on Blensa’ Gunz sits smack dab in the middle of Deirdre and the aforementioned Lis.   We hope when he gets up from the panel, he does so off camera…as he will DEFINITELY be sporting ‘BOB Wood.’

    GUNZ HAS CHANGED QUITE A BIT SINCE HE STARTED APPEARING ON THE ‘MENSA MEETING’

    8:05:33 a.m. –   Back in Palmdale, when he first got his start in radio, and was doing L.S.D. every day and paranoid about EVERYTHING, the I-man didn’t want to use his real name, and so he called himself ‘Captain Don’.   

    CAPTAIN BEEFHEART…THE INSPIRATION FOR ‘CAPTAIN DON’.  IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE…IT COULD’VE BEEN ‘COLONEL SANDERS’

    8:15:12 a.m. –   Connell reports on Joe Biden talking about the mental illness component of Obama Care.  “Great Spokesperson for mental illness” the I-Man observes.

    “THEY WANT ME TO GO…WHERE?  THEY WANT ME TO DO…WHAT?  CALL THE GUY WITH THE KEY!  I’M READY!!!”

    8:25:35 a.m. –   The Boss reads a spot for ‘E-Creamery’, a sponsor that offers a ‘Make Your Own Flavor’ of Ice Cream online.  I-Man notes that ‘E – Creamery’  ‘Sounds like a Porn Site.’   Fat Elvis is of the mind that anyplace where you can make Ice Cream Online IS a Porn Site.

    ONE THING’S FOR SURE…YOU JUST KNOW THIS FLAVOR HAS BACON, PEANUT BUTTER, BANANAS AND MARSHMALLOW FLUFF

    8:41:56 a.m. –   The GREAT Dick Cavett, who is officially, one of the most charming and interesting people on the planet, is here.  He tells half the famous Marlon Brando story.  The other half involves a woman fan, who offered her ‘services’ free of charge, to both Mr. Cavett and ‘Marlon’ (As Sir Richard calls him) to which, Dick said… “Thanks…but I’d like to finish my soup.”  

    F#$% THAT DOS EQUIS DRINKING MORON.  DICK CAVETT IS THE MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD

    9:05:37 a.m. –  Kevin Magee from ‘Downtown’.  He sends Imus an email, of which, the subject line is “Wardrobe”.   “You have your shirt open so far that 1- You must be playing the lounge at the Bellagio, 2- You want to make it easier for Connell to apply the paddles.  Colonel Sanders hasn’t seen that much Chicken Flesh.”   That’s hurtful, Kevin.  But REALLLLLY funny!

    CLOSEUP OF THE I-MAN’S EXPOSED CHEST (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE GREAT DICK CAVETT, INTERVIEWING MARLON BRANDO

    (ALL SIX CLIPS WILL PLAY AUTOMATICALLY IN SUCCESSION SO YOU CAN WATCH THE ENTIRE INTERVIEW.  TRUST US, IT’S WORTH THE 60 MINUTE INVESTMENT)

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAPDQ5MlLxE&list=PL9FBFF645D345E1A5

    Wednesday
    Oct232013

    Happy Birthday Dwight Yoakam!

    6:05:00 a.m.  –  The I-Man begins the program by asking Connell if the Obamacare Website is working yet.  Mr. McShane says that he believes so…he’s just signed up for Health Insurance in Maine.

    “AYE, MATEY!  ME LOBSTAHS BE FULLY COVERED WITH ONLY A $ 100 CO-PAY

    6:07:56 a.m. –  While reading a tedious article in the New York Times hammering Jeff Greenfield’s new book, If Kennedy Lived, the word ‘dolorous’ is used, leaving the I-Man to wonder what the word means.   We look it up.  The definition is the following.

    DOLOROUS (adj.): “See ‘Blonde on Blonde”

    6:15:12 a.m. –  Happy Birthday to Dwight Yoakam!  At least we HOPE it’s his birthday.  It could be Joe Beaver’s birthday again, the way this week has been going.  We are happy that our funny, talented, singing and acting friend is celebrating the anniversary of his arrival on the earth.   He looks GREAT for 73.

    DWIGHT YOAKAM IN A CLIP FROM HIS NEW MOVIE:

    ‘BEN FRANKLIN: THE HUNGRY YEARS’

    6:25:34 a.m. –  Imus tells us that Lis Wiehl will NEVER get a My Pillow, that’s how sick she is of him humping them.  Too bad.  For a second we thought she might get some help with them ‘Chuck Hagel Eyes’.  But she wears them like a badge of honor. She’s EARNED them bags.  Even though she has to pay extra for them when she flies.

    LIS WIEHL DURING LAST WEEK’S ‘BLONDE ON BLONDE’ IF WE WERE HER, WE’D THINK ABOUT GETTING A FACE WAX BEFORE WE EVEN STARTED ON THE EYES.

    6:40:28 a.m. –  Bret Baier is on to discuss ObamaCare, and all the problems associated therein.  Apparently, he too, has no idea what the hell is going on either.  All we know is the I-Man is very concerned.   Concerned about how it affects HIM.  Bret assures Imus that he need not worry, as he already has a health care plan through AFTRA/SAG…and he’s covered…just so long as there’s no annual cap on coverage.  With what he winds up being billed for from Dr. Katz alone you could run a small Latin American Country.

    PETER GRIFFIN, DOING THE ‘PROSTATE CHECK CHA CHA’

    7:05:22 a.m. –  As if we needed another reason to hate Carley’s fiancée, Pete, we find out that Carley is positive that he will not accompany her to the ABC Autumn Auto Family Festival.  Any man who doesn’t want to go on a hayride with that woman, in favor of watching a college football game…cannot be a real man.  But we DO recommend that Carley not INSIST that he go, as he may be a little unstable, and the last thing you’d want him around would be a table full of pumpkin carving knives.

    “MMMM…PUMPKIN PULP…FEELS LIKE…BRAINS…”

    7:12:17 a.m. – The I-Man wonders whether or not newborn Prince George will be baptized the same way that they do in the Baptist Churches in the South.  We don’t think the British go for the full-on, dunking in the river.  We believe they just pour the contents of a pint of Guinness over the baby’s forehead.

    “HEY KID…BETTER HOLD YOUR BREATH…AND…JUST WONDERING…HOW LONG CAN YOU TREAD WATER?”

    7:37:19 a.m. –  It’s about 4000 degrees Fahrenheit in the studio  You could grow Orchids in this place.  But the I-Man is a cold-blooded mammal, and it’s 49 degrees outside.  We’re all breaking out in sweat like a comic doing a late night set at Uncle Chucklebutts Yuk Yuk Hut…but at least Imus is comfortable.

    IS IT HOT IN HERE?  OR IS AL GORE REALLY RIGHT?

    7:40:59 a.m. –  Blonde on Blonde.  Imus calls Deirdre a bitch, to which, Deirdre says she’d rather be that than stupid, and so, once again, Lis finds herself under the bus.  They discuss the pressing headline issues of the day:  Kim and Kanye Gwyneth Paltrow, and, of course, Tainted Titty Milk.   Deirdre is incredulous that Lis would consider purchasing Breast Milk online, not knowing whether or not the mother who donated it had HIV, was a drug addict…or was eating Junk Food.   Hmmmm.    AIDS…Heroin…and Doritos?   One of these things is not the same kind of threat.  Even though it’s difficult, you CAN get off heroin.  Our advice would be, if you happen to see a skinny woman, stealing hubcaps off a car and scratching herself uncontrollably, you might want to think twice before accepting her breast milk.  She might have just eaten Cheese Doodles.

    “DADDY WUVS HIS BWEAST MILK”

    8:05:33 a.m. –   The I-Man can’t wait for Brit Hume and George Will to get trapped in an elevator together so that they’ll have to talk to each other.  Because Imus isn’t interested in either one of them talking to him.  As you might remember, Hume was blown off as a guest when he couldn’t be bothered to provide us with his five favorite songs.   We assume ‘Talking Heads’ was probably not on the list.

    HEY BRIT…WHY THE LONG FACE?

    8:07:12 a.m. –   Connell reports a story about a German Bishop who dropped 40 Million on his crib.   The Pope, apparently, has given Bishop Rollin’ Deep a ‘Time Out’…because, as you know, The Holy Father does not use the Papal Residence at the Vatican…preferring the La Quinta down the road.  He is a thrifty pontiff…and he really enjoys the breakfast buffet.  It’s all about the ‘Make Your Own Waffles’.

    “ARE THERE ANY MORE FRUIT LOOPS?  VERILY?”

    8:26:11 a.m. –  The I-Man promotes the ABC Auto Autumn Family Fun Festival again, and, as Connell has young children, assumes that “You could take the little bastards out there.”  As Connell happens to be MARRIED to his Baby Mama, Phyllis, they are not ‘bastards’ in the child sired out of wedlock sense of the word.  However, Connell admits that they do, sometimes, act like ‘Little Bastards’.

    THE ROAD SIGN OUTSIDE OF THE MCSHANE ESTATE

    8:41:56 a.m. –   Jeff Greenfield is on to hump his book If Kennedy Lived.    After the interview we wonder what would’ve happened If Greenfield Lived.    Jesus.  We love ‘What If’ books like the next guy…but how you make the Kennedy Assassination…boring…we’ll never know.  

    WHAT IF KENNEDY LIVED?  HE’D LOOK LIKE THIS

    WHAT IF MARILYN LIVED?  SHE’D LOOK LIKE THIS

    9:05:24 a.m. – Imus now believes that Greenfield’s book “Might actually be interesting.” After wondering aloud, earlier, “Who would want to READ this book?”   He suggests that both Connell and Bernard read it, because HE’S not going to.  Connell asks for the copy Imus has, which the I-Man is more than happy to provide, even asking Connell if he’d like it ‘signed’.  Of course, Connell says yes, prompting the Boss to personally autograph the copy…with Greenfield’s name.  He relates a story about his ex wife, who, after he moved to New York from Shaker Heights Ohio, sent him his stuff, including… ‘A whole bunch of books…a lot of them are signed.’   Of course, they were all First Editions…signed by the reader, not the author.   We don’t expect Sotheby’s will be calling, interested in Imus’ Collection…unless they are going to hold an auction for ‘Coasters and Table Levelers’.

    HE ALSO HAS AN ORIGINAL, FIRST EDITION, SIGNED COPY OF THE BIBLE

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

     

    IN HONOR OF BOTH DWIGHT YOAKUM’S BIRTHDAY,

    JEFF GREENFIELD’S NEW BOOK

    AND THE I-MAN’S BACK PAIN

    WE OFFER JFK’S FAVORITE MASSAGE THERAPIST

    (“I THINK I MADE HIS BACK FEEL BETTER”…UM…WE’RE SURE YOU DID, MARILYN)

     

    “I SAW THE PRESIDENT’S THING!  IT’S THIS BIG!!!”

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piVKYMb4nzM 

    (IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.  WE COULD’VE USED THE ZAPRUDER FILM)

    Tuesday
    Oct222013

    The Great One

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   Yesterday, Deirdre informed the I-Man that “Mark Levin is the only one who knows anything” She maintains that the Boss....”Doesn’t know ANYTHING.”   20 years and she’s just figuring that out…now?  He answers her accusation in customary I-Man fashion.  He turns the sound on the TV louder.

    THIS IS THE FACE OF ‘THE MAN WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING’

    6:18:56 a.m. –  Imus is eating his Veggie Egg sammidge from Starbucks, and has some shmutz hanging off his lip.  It’s almost as bad as that white stuff old farts get when they’re talking a lot.  Connell is grossed out.  He begs the I-Man to get rid of the ‘bat in the cave’.  Thankfully, he complies.  It could be worse.  It could be drool.  Again.

    HEY POPS.  USE A FRIGGIN’ NAPKIN, WILLYA?

    6:19:12 a.m. –   Dagen attempts to do a business report, in which, she informs us that Apple is unveiling the new iPads today.  Imus bites her head off, saying that he’s sick of these companies getting free publicity.  He says if Apple wants to announce they have a new product, they can buy spots.  He suspects Dagen is getting a free iPad.  She’s not.  She’s not even getting a free MAXI pad. 

    THE NEW APPLE ‘MAXI-PAD’

    6:40:28 a.m. –  Juan Williams steps into the hornet’s nest.  When he asks how the I-Man is doing, he mishears the Boss say “I’m Well”.  Of course, Imus is NOT well, and so when Juan says “Good! Glad to hear it!”  It’s an uncomfortable moment, from which Mr. Williams will never recover.   Who would’ve thought that, between Imus and Juan Williams, Juan would be the one who has the problem hearing?

    JUAN, ALTHOUGH HE DOESN’T LOOK IT, IS ACTUALLY DOING ‘WELL’

    7:05:45 a.m. –   Warner provides the information that the “Latest Dirtbag” A-Rod has hired to handle his legal troubles…is Lanny Davis.  Actually, Lanny is the that of guy that dirtbags hire.  If you have a thousand Cambodians buried in a mass grave, and you are being brought up on war crimes charges…Lanny’s your man.  If you have a bunch of heads in jars stored underneath your porch…give Davis a call.  If you get caught walking around an elementary school without your pants, holding a bag of candy, then you probably could not do any better for yourself than Lanny Davis.

    “YOUR HONOR, I OBJECT!  MY CLIENT THOUGHT HE WAS GETTING B-12 SHOTS INJECTED INTO HIS ASS.”

    7:11:22 a.m. –   The Boss is still annoyed with Deirdre’s attack last night.  “If he’s so much better than we are, why don’t you call Mark Levin and do HIS show.    Yeah, that would be a great segment.  “Blonde On Bat$#!#  Crazy.”

    THEY BOTH KNOW EVERYTHING

    7:40:19 a.m. –  Liz McDonald is on, and one of her five favorite songs is Patty Smith’s ‘Because the Night’.   “Isn’t she the one married to John McEnroe?”    No.  That’s Patty SMYTHE of ‘Scandal’.  “Goodbye to You”.  He’s mixing his Rock Chick metaphors, demonstrating that clearly, Liz also has all the answers to the questions he doesn’t.

    SMITH (L) AND SMYTHE (R) WE UNDERSTAND HOW HE COULD BE CONFUSED ALTHOUGH, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH MORE BELIEVABLE IF HE MISTOOK PATTY SMITH FOR IGGY POP

    8:05:33 a.m. –   The D-Woman and the Wy-Man have pretty much had it with the I-Man.  They are tired of fetching stuff for him, even though he can’t move because his back/hip are causing him agonizing pain.  Even on a good day, he’s got the lung capacity of a pigeon with cystic fibrosis.  But there’s no sympathy.  Again, we are reminded of the image of Stephen Hawking stuck in the sun.  Two words, I-Man:  ‘Electric Wheelchair’.   Then you can run those insensitive bastards down.

    “NOW, HOW ‘BOUT YOU GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND WHIP ME UP A DAMN SAMMIDGE?”

    8:11:12 a.m. –  We try to imagine the scenario where Deidre was in the bathroom, listening to Mark Levin…knowing they probably have a really powerful shower nozzle in the penthouse.  We shudder to think that she’s pulling a ‘Meg Ryan’ while the I-Man sits outside, clueless.  He really DOESN’T know anything. 

    THE HOUSEWIVE’S BEST FRIEND

    8:17:56 a.m. –   “That’s the problem…people going around in life not having fun.  Warner, you need to have fun, you old fart,  before I fire your ass.”  Are you having fun now, Warner.  Maybe you should think about opening the wine a little early this morning.

    EVEN IN NEPAL…THEY KNOW HOW TO H AVE FUN

    8:30:00 a.m. - Peter Barnes is down in Washington, and for the past half hour, has been trapped in a closet.   And we didn’t even know he was gay.

    AFTER LOOKING AT HIS PROMO PICTURE…HOW DID WE NOT KNOW?

    (FOR THE RECORD, HE’S ACTUALLY NOT GAY…NOT THAT THERE WOULD BE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT IF HE WAS…)

     8:40:32 a.m. -  James Carville is on.  And, when you get to thinking about it, is probably having as much of a hard time with HIS wife, as the I-Man is having with Deirdre.  We can EASILY see Mary Matalin shrieking at ol’ Serpent Head, “You don’t know ANYTHING!!”  

    WELL, ONE THING CARVILLE KNOWS: HOW TO WEAR SNAPPY HEADGEAR

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE GREAT ONE, ANIMATEDLY POSTULATING

    AND THE D-WOMAN, REACTING TO LEVIN’S FONT OF KNOWLEDGE

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2Eoum_fXIY 

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFpnPZpFTEk 

     

    Monday
    Oct212013

    The French Fry Story

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   The I-Man forgot Joe Beaver’s Birthday, which was on October 13th.  He only talks about the 8 time world champion 2 time Olympic champion, 50 times a f#$%ing day.  So obviously, he didn’t get him a present either.  Apparently, he found out it was Joe’s Birthday this weekend at the Rodeo in Crockett Texas, where Joe’s Mom had a Birthday Cake for him…as SHE forgot his birthday as well.  We can almost forgive Imus’ loss of memory, but when the person who sprung Joe from her uterus doesn’t remember…to paraphrase Willie Nelson “That sh#@ ain’t right.”

    THE I-MAN’S TARDY CARD TO JOE…YEAH, RIGHT.

    6:07:56 a.m. –  Warner is 300 imaginary dollars ahead. He went 8 and 5 this weekend, after 112 games played…and he’s only 300 bucks in the black. The Tic Tac Toe Playing Chicken Could Do Better. You could play Rock, Paper, Scissors and come out further ahead after 112 times.  

    SCISSORS CUT PAPER, ROCK BREAKS SCISSORS, PAPER WRAPS ROCK…IF YOU HAD WARNER PICKING THE WINNER OF THIS…YOU LOST!

    6:15:12 a.m. –  Deirdre insists that the woman pilot the family took back from Conroe, Texas yesterday, is much better than the men who fly them.  “There was NO turbulence when she was The Captain” Mrs. Hank Snow maintains.  Of course, the pilot isn’t responsible FOR turbulence…that would be the meteorological conditions at the time…but nobody’s going to tell her that, because…she can crush our windpipes with her pinkie finger.

    AMELIA EARHART…WE HAVE YOUR LUGGAGE…WE’VE HAD IT FOR THE PAST 75 YEARS

    6:25:34 a.m. –  Deirdre and Wyatt bring both dogs, Virgil and Lucinda, with them everywhere they go…including the rodeos.  Imus reveals that both the Wy-Man and the D-Woman call Lucinda ‘Kevin’.  We’re not sure why.  Although that would explain why Deirdre sometimes refers to the Boss as ‘Muriel’.

    ACTUALLY, SHE REALLY DOES LOOK MORE LIKE A KEVIN

    6:40:28 a.m. –  Bo Dietl is on, crowing about his appearance on last night’s ‘Boardwalk Empire’.  We are clamoring to find some tape of his scene, as, according to Bo, it was a ‘speaking part’, in which he played… ‘A Cop.’   Really stretching that acting muscle.  So unlike the part he plays in the Arby’s Roast Beef Commercials. 

    BO, ‘ACTITATING’ UP A STORM

    6:55:45 a.m. –  Imus makes an observation in Texas yesterday:   “The Rodeo announcer gives the football scores every now and again, not realizing that anybody that wants to know can find out on their phone.   That’s kinda 50’s mentality, isn’t it?”  Yes.  1850’s.

    “HEY, WHO WON THE TEXAS GAME?  I CAN’T GET ANY GPS OUT HERE ON THE HORSE.”

    7:09:22 a.m. –  “Andrew Luck is a jerk.”  Imus condemns the Colts’ Quarter back.   He may very well be…but at least HE remembers his good friend’s birthday.

    “HEY, JOE?  IT’S ANDREW.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

    7:22:57 a.m. – Carley brings the I-Man a Starbucks Sandwich.  He wants to know what you call it.  “It’s a Veggie Monterey Jack Artisan Breakfast Sandwich”.  Which is what you call an Egg on a roll when you want to charge 8 bucks for it.  We wonder what Deirdre would call it.  We have an over/under on ‘Poison’.

    NO DOUBT, IT’S SOY CHEESE.  AT LEAST THERE’S NO SAUSAGE ON IT.

    7:40:19 a.m. –  Bill Hemmer is on, and Imus spends the first half of the interview talking about…Melissa Francis.  Bill, who read her book, waits patiently while Imus recounts the story of Melissa’s Moms kicking her out of the car by the golf course.  Bill wishes HE was the one who got dropped off on the side of the road.

    “UM…I’M ASSUMING YOU’RE COMING BACK FOR ME?”

    8:05:33 a.m. –   “I got home about 11 O’Clock last night, plopped down and turned the TV on to Channel 2.”  Unfortunately, the game was on Channel 4.  But after about a half an hour he realized that Maurice DuBois wasn’t Trent Richardson.

    MAURICE ISN’T MUCH OF A RUNNING BACK

    8:21:12 a.m. –   We’ve been playing a clip all morning, of a drunk Jets Fan in a Wayne Chrebet jersey, punching a woman in the head.  It’s a brutal piece of  video, but the I-Man uses it as a cautionary tale for Carley:   “That’s where we’re headed with Pete”, Imus says…knowing that her fiancée puts on a Michigan Jersey and gets drunk every Saturday during the game.  We beg to differ.  Carley is not what you would call a ‘Petite Flower’.   If Pete were to even LOOK at her cross-eyed, she would KICK HIS ASS.  Not only that, but nobody would be able to hold Gunz back, either.

    DON’T LET THAT KILLER SMILE AND SOFT SPOKEN NATURE FOOL YOU, PETE, BECAUSE SHE WILL BEAT YOU LIKE A RED-HEADED STEPCHILD

    8:41:56 a.m. –   Boogity Boogity.  The Great Darrell Waltrip is on…being much more diplomatic about Danica Patrick than…well, Dagen.  Where Dagen has characterized her as a self-centered, whining, tittybaby loser…Mr. Waltrip will only offer… “She should be doing better than she is…that’s for sure.”   Well…finishing last race after race…there IS room for some improvement.  Darrell Waltrip offers the I-Man a ride in his Racecar, joining a long line of people who want to take Imus for ‘A ride’.   What he doesn’t tell the boss, is he wants to do so with Imus…in the trunk.

    “HEY…LET ME OUT!  LET ME OUT OF HERE!  DAMMIT, I’M NOT KIDDING!”

    9:11:37 a.m. –  Imus tells a very troubling story, which brings startling new evidence to prove that he is, indeed, a battered husband.  He wanted French Fries at the Rodeo yesterday, and the D-Woman flatly REFUSED him access to the crispy, salty fried potato delights…even though they ARE, after all, completely Vegan… (If you don’t count the LARD they are fried in)  The pulmonary challenged I-Man, of course, was unable to walk over to the snack bar and get them himself, which, of course, reminds us of Stephen Hawking being left by his wife in his wheelchair…in the sun.   Single Minded Imus continued to whine about the fries, until such a point that, Joe Beaver, (whose birthday, you must remember, The I-Man forgot) couldn’t take it anymore and said… “Jesus, I’LL get the damn fries if you’ll just shut up about them!”  At the second rodeo, (Where Wyatt WON the team roping) Imus used the post victory good spirits as another attempt to procure his snack…and, remarkably, Deirdre acquiesced.   Unfortunately, by that time, they were SOLD OUT.  She returned with a salad.  We guarantee you, he was the ONLY person who has EVER eaten a salad at a rodeo in Crockett Texas.  Lupica emails a pithy observation:  “The ending to the French Fry story is the saddest thing since Old Yeller.” Ironic he should’ve made an ‘Old Yeller’ reference, in that, that’s how we refer to the I-Man back here in the green room, only because we want to take him out behind the barn…and shoot him.

    “HEY HOSS…IF IT WERE MY WIFE, I’D TELL HER…I’M GONNA HAVE THEM DAMN FRENCH FRIES…”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JOE BEAVER! 

    WE ARRANGED A VERY SPECIAL SURPRISE FOR YOU…

    HERE’S SOMEONE WITH SOME MUSICAL BIRTHDAY WISHES FOR YOU

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TW9fqw_xtQo