6:03:12 A.M. – “El Chapo” has escaped from jail. This is the second time Mexico’s most notorious Drug Lord, Joaquin Guzman Loera has broken out. Joyce Mitchell was unavailable for comment. She likes her men like she likes her coffee. Confined.
MAYBE SHE EXPECTED HIM TO MARRY HER
6:08:56 A.M. – Friday, Nat Candido Emailed the I-Man for Taylor Swift tickets for the concert at the Meadowlands…that night. The I-Man sent an email back, saying, “No problem, they’ll be at the ‘Will Call’. And I got you backstage passes. Just tell them the I-Man sent you. Enjoy the show.” After Nat spelled ‘Don Imus’ about 50 different ways at the Box Office…he realized, he’d been had.
“OKAY…CHECK…DON IMUS…OKAY…J.D. IMUS…UM…JOHN DONALD? I-MAN? CAPITAL ‘I’. C’MON, BRO, THEY HAVE TO BE HERE! HE SAID THEY’D BE WAITING FOR ME! DOES THIS MEAN I’M ALSO NOT RIDING BACK TO THE HOTEL IN THE LIMO WITH HER?”
6:10:44 A.M. – The Boss informs us that Meghan Hurlbut, the woman who runs the Imus World Headquarters Office, will be ‘Leaving the Family’, which makes us alternately, happy AND sad. Happy for her moving on to other opportunities, and sad, because, we will miss her. But we also want to know…what she did to ‘Get Out’ Because The Imus Family is like a Mafia Family. Once you’re in…you’re NEVER out.
“HURLBUT…HURLBUT…WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MAKE YOU TREAT ME SO DISRESPECTFULLY?
6:14:08 A.M. – The I-Man has bad news about Liz Cho for Dr. Bill Evans. She tied the knot. Not her tubes…she didn’t tie THOSE. She got MARRIED. So she’s off the market. But he should look at the bright side. He’s gained a parking space.
NOT GONNA HAPPEN NOW. NOT THAT IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN ANYWAY.
6:40:27 A.M. – Bo Dietl talks ‘El Chapo’. He says he’s a ‘Real Bad Dude’. He’s killed tons of innocent people and police. He thinks he should be ‘Assassinate-atated’. Then he goes on to sing the praises of President Obama. If by praises you mean, “He’s the worst president EVER.”
BO AND THE PRESIDENT. IN HAPPIER TIMES.
7:05:10 A.M. – The I-Man informs us that one of the calves on the Ranch is sick. It’s ‘Down’, as they say in Ranching. He notes that the calf looks a lot like him in the 80’s. Which makes sense to us, because calves don’t wear pants either.
“MOOOOO…I DON’T FEEL WELL…”
7:13:26 A.M. – Connell plays a clip of Miss Rhode Island at the ‘Miss USA’ pageant, attempting to answer a question about ‘Political Correctness.’ That Dumb B….Broad, is totally lost. She did have a nice rack though. Sorry, that wasn’t ‘Politically Correct’, but…at least now we can answer the question.
MISS RHODE ISLAND, AND BILLY REDDEN, THE BANJO GUY FROM DELIVERANCE. HE KNEW THE ANSWER…
7:40:16 A.M. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS featuring Warner Wolf, Tony Powell, Lou Rufino, Connell McShane, Gunz Gunzelman, and a distraught Nat Candido. Apparently, he waited at the Box Office until Saturday to get his ‘Non Existent Tickets’. He did HEAR the show, however. From the Parking Lot.
“I SWEAR, BRO…HE SAID THEY WOULD BE THERE.”
7:43:18 A.M. – The guys discuss LA Clipper’s Center, Deandre Jordan, who backed out of his verbal agreement with Mark Cuban and the Dallas Mavericks. Gunz thinks that’s horrible, for someone to back out of an agreement, but then, Gunz has been on the other side of that scenario many times. The only difference is that Deandre didn’t say his Grandmother was sick or that he had to wash his hair.
“TRUST ME DUDE, SHE AIN’T COMIN’”
7:44:36 A.M. – Danica Patrick getting ‘Rear Ended’ by Dale Earnhardt Jr. in Kentucky last Saturday Night at the Kentucky Speedway. She was quite upset with Jr., and let fly a few F-Bombs in his direction. Apparently, she doesn’t like being ‘Rear Ended’. Which happens to be a bone of contention between her and her boyfriend, NASCAR driver, Ricky Stenhouse Jr.
8:05:11 A.M. – Warner has a cough. He needs to stop smoking. It’s clearly stunted his growth.
MAYBE IF HE STUCK WITH LOLLIPOPS, HE WOULDN’T HAVE THE PROBLEM.
8:23:11 A.M. – Warner reports the story about Buffalo Bills Offensive Coordinator Aaron Kromer, who, on vacation assaulted three kids who had the audacity to move his deck chairs. He punched one, pushed another, and told the third he was going to ‘Kill his family’ if he squealed. This leads Warner to ask, “What’s (Bills Coach) Rex Ryan going to do now?” Imus’ quick response: “Probably suck on his toes.”
NOTHING BETTER THAN A PEANUT BUTTER AND TOEJAME SAMMICH
8:39:43 A.M. – One of our favorite people, Monica Crowley, phones in and we learn that she’s still engaged to the same guy. You’d think that after 20 years they would know whether or not they have a future together, and finally ‘Pull the Trigger’ on the marriage. But apparently, Monica doesn’t want to ‘Rush Things’. She wants to wait until their kids are dead.
8:45:09 A.M. – Monica leaves us with an incredible prediction: Hillary will not get the Democratic Nomination. Joe Biden will get in the race, and will have the full support of the White House and Hillary Hater, Barack Obama, behind him. She also predicts the resurgence of Betamax and Platform Shoes.
THE VICE-PRESIDENT WILL THROW HIS HAT IN THE RING, RIGHT AFTER HE TAPES ‘THE ROCKFORD FILES’ AND ‘WELCOME BACK KOTTER’
VIDEO OF THE DAY
THAT WACKY BILL COSBY