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    Tuesday
    Dec172013

    The I-Man and Scott Salotto Go Halfsies on the Mega Millions

    6:05:10 a.m. –   It’s the I-Man’s 19th Wedding Anniversary. The 19th is the ‘Bronze’ Anniversary, which is fitting, in that Imus was born during the ‘Bronze Age’.

    TO COMMEMORATE THEIR ANNIVERSARY, DEIRDRE HAD THE SHOES SHE WORE AT THE WEDDING BRONZED

    6:06:12 a.m. – Imus is not so hot on the 2013 Class of nominees to the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame.  Linda Ronstadt?  Cat Stevens?  Hall n’ Oates?  Where’s Terry Jacks?  Where’s K.C. and the Sunshine Band?  Where’s the Village People? 

    HALL AND OATES: THEY’RE ALSO IN THE BAD HAIRSTYLE HALL OF FAME

    6:17:34 a.m. –  Brian is Back!!  The I-Man delivers the good news to us.  The Beloved Talking Pooch from Family Guy, who died just a few weeks ago…has been…resurrected.   Which would make quite a case for Brian being…Jes…we can’t even bring ourselves to say it.  We will say this:  ‘God’ is ‘Dog’ spelled backwards

    AND ON THE THIRD WEEK…HE ROSE AGAIN, LIFTED THE ROCK, THEN LIFTED HIS LEG

    6:35:46 a.m. – Brett Baier is on to discuss the NSA Spying story…but winds up having to answer the I-Man’s question about Ashley Madison, the ‘Life is Short, Have an Affair’ website.  According to their membership, Washington D.C. leads the nation in adultery.  Curiously, Bill Clinton accounts for 98% of the numbers. 

    DO MORMONS GET A MULTI-AFFAIR DISCOUNT?

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Country Music Legend, Ray Price, has died at the age of 87.  And we’ve had a change of heart…we’d rather the I-Man go back to talking about the rodeo than going on about all the ‘hits’ this poor old goober had.  The Boss even goes so far as to have Lou play a Dwight Yoakum version of a song Price didn’t even write, but once sang…  Okay, okay, we get it.  Ray Price is dead.  But you’re KILLING us!

    LOOKS LIKE HE USED UP ALL ‘THE GOOD TIMES’

    7:17:15 a.m. –  The I-Man can’t attend Rob’s show at Uncle Vinnies on New Years, because he is going to be in Midland Texas, although he’s not sure why.  He says there’s a Mexican Restaurant down there, called ‘La Bodega’.  Um…we have Mexican Restaurants here in New York.  And a crap load of ‘Bodegas’.   Why he has to spend 20 Grand on a Private Jet to go get a liplock on some Cheese Enchiladas…we don’t know.

    YEAH, THAT’S WORTH FLYING 3 ½ HOURS FOR

    7:38:17 a.m. –  Barbara Walters is on to promote her 10 Most Fascinating People special, and, suddenly, things take a turn for the worse…the I-Man asks her if she had an affair with Fidel Castro.  She says she’s disappointed in him for asking that question.  So, according to Warner, that means ‘Yes’.  It will take many years for us to get the image of Barbara Walters bumping uglies with the Cuban Dictator. 

    WE THINK WE SPEAK FOR THE BULK OF HUMANITY WHEN WE SAY:

    “EW”

    8:01:02 a.m. –  The I-Man and Scott Salotto are going ‘Halfsies’ on the Mega Millions Jackpot, which is currently around 600 Million Dollars.  Imus has asked Scott to buy 9 tickets.  He has given him one series of numbers.  Scott has purchased 10 tickets. Which means there’s one ticket up for grabs.  Exactly.  The chances of Scott owning up to the fact that the one extra ticket was the winner, and not one that he is in on with Imus, aren’t even as good as the odds that ANY of their tickets will be winners.  This is a lawsuit waiting to happen.  “Do you have an opening argument, Mr. Imus?”  “Yeah.  Where’s my money, bitch?”

    YEAH, HE’LL SPLIT THE MONEY WITH IMUS.  WHEN DEIRDRE ORDERS THE JUMBO RIBEYE AT RUTH’S CHRIS

    8:05:12 a.m. –  Warner suggests that Barbara Walters was lying when she denied having the affair with Castro.  (And he hadn’t even yet seen the photo above)  He says that she deflected the question with another question, which is a surefire ‘Tell’.  A dead giveaway.  Which is what Deirdre is going to call the Garage Sale she has after the I-Man croaks.  The ‘Dead Giveaway’.

    THERE’S ALSO A LOT OF BOOKS, VAN MORRISON CDS AND COWBOY MEMORABILIA

    8:07:12 a.m.  – The I-Man, apparently, has a ‘tight relationship’ with University of Texas President, Bill Powers.  Despite the fact that, at first, he can’t remember his name.   Not exactly all that good when it comes to Wyatt matriculating. Although, according to Wyatt, he ‘discovered’ ‘Matriculating’ a couple of years ago. 

    TWO UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS STUDENTS… ‘MATRICULATING’

    8:38:37 a.m. – Matt Taibbi is on to discuss his Rolling Stone article about Camden, and the loss of their Police Force.  Camden is now like blade Runner, Minority Report and Judge Dredd.  Technology has turned the once dangerously scary city into the newest vacation destination.  Well, maybe not that far, but…at least now you can go to Wendy’s for a Frosty without having to be armed.

    AT ONE TIME, NOT EVEN SPRINGSTEEN WOULD GO HERE

    9:00:18 a.m. –  The I-Man keeps Matt over for the 9 O’clock hour, such is his respect for the brilliant writer.  They talk about Basketball, and the fact that Matt is now the father of a 15 day old bouncing baby boy. 

    ‘MAX’ TAIBBI:  THE HEIR TO THE THRONE.  AND A CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A THREE MINUTE AND TWENTY FIVE SECOND MUSICAL SERMON ABOUT THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_NPbOG1-pE 

     

    Monday
    Dec162013

    King of the Cowboys!

    6:05:10 a.m. –   19 Time World Champion, the King of the Cowboys, Trevor Brazile will be our guest today, but first, he has to suffer an appearance on ‘Fox n’ Fiends’, in which he will provide a roping demonstration outside in the Plaza.  The Vapid, Bubble-Headed Mouthbreather Hosts will be wearing western gear especially for the event.  We can’t wait to see Steve Doocy in his Mom Jeans, looking like Dale Evans.

    WE NEVER KNEW ELIZABETH HAD SUCH A BIG HEAD

    6:06:12 a.m. – Tony has told the I-Man that Bruce Jenner wants to have his Adam’s Apple shaved.  We assume to make it match is vagina.

    SOON, THE COLLAR AND CUFFS WILL MATCH

    6:40:46 a.m. – Bo Dietl is filled with the Christmas Spirit…at least that’s what we assume, in that he didn’t break the kneecaps of the cop who gave him a parking ticket.  The Old Bo would’ve jammed the Policeman’s ‘Nogginatation into his Sphincterism.’  Bo wants to keep a low profile because he’s going to be attending the ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ premiere tomorrow…and probably wouldn’t be able to post bail in time.

    THE OLD BO WOULD’VE FED THIS TO THE OFFICER

    7:05:15 a.m. –  There is footage of a street fight between Faux St. Nicks…and all out Santa Brawl.  We are now officially in the Christmas Spirit.

    “NOBODY CALLS MY WIFE FAT!  EXCEPT FOR ME!”

    7:11:22 a.m. –  Imus  wants Bigfoot to change the lighting…um…it’s lit with a Streetlamp…as it took place at night…on the…well…STREET.  The I-Man is pretty omnipotent…but saying “Let there be light”, as far as we know…only worked once. 

    “STAND BACK, NUMBNUTS…I GOT THIS.”

    7:17:34 a.m. –  Connell reports  on a philanthropist leaves extremely generous tips, sometimes in the thousands of dollars…in a movement that has been dubbed ‘Tips for Jesus’.  Imus, half listening as always…is half listening.  And thinks that ‘Tips for Jesus’…is someone providing advice. 

    “WATCH OUT FOR THAT JUDAS…HE’S TROUBLE.”   “THANKS, IMUS…VERILY.”

    7:21:17 a.m. – Warner has his shirt open to…almost his navel.  He looks like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever…if Saturday Night Fever took place on Polka Night at the Nursing Home.  He’s wearing a gold chain…which, he reveals, is his Mezuzah.  He says he likes to fool people, saying he likes to ‘Blow on it’.   What?  Oh…you mean because it looks like a whistle.  Is that like a dog whistle?  You blow a Mezuzah…only Jews can hear it?

    WARNER’S MEZUZAH.  SAMMY DAVIS JR. GAVE IT TO HIM.

    7:22:44 a.m. –  “Y’know, the tree doesn’t look that bad after all.”  The I-Man changes his tune about the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tradition…after rolling the tinted windows down on the limo.  We can’t wait for him to actually get out and walk over to it.  Then it will REALLY blow his mind.  Because people will this he’s Old Man Winter.

    “HEY, STUPID!  MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!   IT’S AN EFFING TREE!”

    7:40:08 a.m. – Football Legend, Paul Hornung is on to discuss the Heisman trophy and NFL Football, and not, surprisingly, the Affordable Care Act, Mandatory Flu Vaccines…or the rodeo.  Even at 78, he doesn’t want to have to listen to Imus go on and on about it.  However, Paul does own a couple of racehorses, that he is training to trample Morning Radio Talk Show Hosts on command.

    …AND…’BABABOOEY’ ON THE OUTSIDE…

    8:05:10 a.m. –   After Paul’s interview, NFL great Jim Brown’s name comes up, and Warner states that he is the greatest running back he ever saw.  Imus asks if Jim Brown could still play today.  Warner replies that, at age 67, he probably wouldn’t be all that effective.  Naturally, he’d be a little off his game.  The only way he could throw a woman up the stairs would be if he did it in front of an escalator.

    OOPS.  THAT WAS THE ‘DOWN’ ESCALATOR.  SORRY, BABY.

    8:17:12 a.m. –  Dagen does a report on ‘Gluten Free’ food, and how those who suffer from Celiac and other Gluten-Intolerant conditions are in the minority.  “So if y’all don’t want to eat gluten.  Eat at Home.”  “That’s what the Mayor of Toronto does…” according to the I-Man.  Here’s our question:  Is it technically ‘Gluten Free’ if she has a yeast infection?

    WE HOPE SHE’S REFERRING TO THE FROSTING BOWL

    8:20:12 a.m.  –  The I-Man gets an email from Mike Breen, who wonders why the Boss has not buttoned the second button on his heavily starched shirt…which is showing a little more of his hairless, pigeon chest, than we’d prefer.  He says he’s having difficulty getting the button through the hole, on account of there’s so much starch.  As opposed to when he’s in the bedroom, when he can’t get the button through the hole because there’s not ENOUGH starch.  We suggest he think about sending his junk to Hallak Cleaners.   But until then, button your damn shirt, cowboy, we don’t want to look at your neck labia any more.

    MAYBE YOU COULD GET A RECOMMENDATION FOR A SURGEON FROM BRUCE JENNER

    8:40:37 a.m. – Trevor Brazile is on to discuss his 19 World Championships.  He says the horse is responsible for 30-70 % of the runs.  Which seems somewhat unfair, as winning cowboy receives 25 grand per event…while the horse gets a bag of oats.  The steed, obviously, needs a better agent.  By the same token, Joe Beaver says it’s 80% mental.  Which means, if the horse is responsible for 70 percent, and the ‘mental’ is 80 percent…that’s 150%  So if you’re only putting in 100% effort…you’re not getting it done…and your horse sucks.

    TREVOR, HIS WIFE SHADA, AND THEIR TWO BEAUTIFUL KIDS.  HE’S 175% LUCKY.

    9:05:18 a.m. –  In a discussion about the new Mega Millions Jackpot, Imus says he loves when these losers talk about what they would do with the money, when…they’re never gonna win the effing money.  Dagen says it’s natural for people to speculate on what they would buy with their winnings.  Like a boob job.  Which, here in New York, for a good one, will cost about 15 thousand dollars.  Dagen isn’t about to win the Mega Millions Lottery…so we start a crowdfuning ‘Kickstarter’ campaign for her, so we can help her turn her ‘Short Stack of Silver Dollar Flapjacks’, into a nice, perky set of Belgian Waffles. 

    WHERE DAGEN WILL GET HER BOOB JOB (ALONG WITH TWO EGGS SUNNYSIDE UP)

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    More Christmas Cheer

    Santa Brawl 2013

      

    IT’S A LITTLE DARK, BECAUSE…WELL…IT’S NIGHT BUT YOU CAN MAKE OUT ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT THESE SANTAS ARE GOING TO HAVE TO PUT THEMSELES ON THE ‘NAUGHTY’ LIST

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBv5Kh56PwU

    Friday
    Dec132013

    Black Santa

    6:05:10 a.m. –   Black Santa is here this morning.  We realize a lot of you didn’t know that Santa Claus was a black man…but what did you expect?  St. Nick’s  been climbing in and out of chimneys for the past six hundred something years…

    “MERRY CHRISTMAS, BITCHES. AND WHAT NOT.

     HO HO HO…WAIT A MINUTE, CAN I SAY THAT?”

    6:06:12 a.m. –  The I-Man saw Peek a Boo Woo yesterday, concerned about his not being able to clear his throat.  Of course, The Boss feared the worst.  Dr. Peak Woo was very comforting, telling the I-Man that ‘All Is Clear’.  It’s a relief to us…but not so much for The Boss, who thought he’d be able to score more painkillers.

    “I WILL GIVE YOU THAT VICODIN SCRIP, BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME YOU WILL PLAY THIS CD OF MY FRIEND’S BAND”

    6:17:34 a.m. – Warner reports on Michael Morse of the San Francisco Giants, who held a press conference to announce his signing.  Then Warner played a clip of some Morse Code.  We can only hope it was S.O.S.  Because the old man needs some serious help. 

    WARNER IS “DASH DOT, DOT DOT DASH, DASH, DOT DOT DOT”

    6:40:46 a.m. –  Dick Gregory is on…and says he uses the ‘N’ word…because it’s part of history. We’re not sure which ‘N’ Word he’s referring to.  ‘Niagra’?   ‘Necco Wafers’? ‘Nagger?’   You wouldn’t call your wife that, would you?

    CHOCOLATE NECCOS.  WE’RE NOT SURE THIS WAS THE ‘N’ WORD TO WHICH MR. GREGORY WAS REFERRING

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Roxanne Roundtree blinked an email to the I-Man, in which she expressed her deepest gratitude for all the exposure she’s received for her ‘Roxy’s Recipes’ cookbook.  You can be a real Santa this year, and make it a VERY Merry Christmas, not just for The Roundtree family, but for whoever on your list you decide to give this amazing book of recipes.

    http://www.roxanneroundtreecookbook.org/

    THE BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT YOU COULD EVER GIVE OR GET

    7:17:15 a.m. –  Connell reports that North Korean Dictator, Kim Jong Un, has executed his Uncle.  We don’t think he actually did the ‘whacking’, we think he brought in a couple of Button Men from Detroit’s ‘Kimchee Killers’ gang.  Uncle Jang Song Thaek tried to pull a ‘Coup’ on his nephew.  And he should’ve had somebody start his ‘coupe’ for him.

    “SORRY UNCLE JANG…BUT PAYBACK IS A BITCH.  LIKE THOSE BITCHES I LIKE TO WATCH IN THOSE PORN MOVIES!”

    7:38:16 a.m. –  “Vinnie From Queens”, the roundtable discussion of sports on the Imus in the Morning Program, featuring Warner, Lou, Gunz and Tony is quite spirited today.  Warner actually decided to put his ‘Big Boy Pants’ on, despite the fact that they are…Garanimals.  In response to the picture that Deirdre took of Carley and Gunz, Warner said, ‘Looks like you grew a couple inches.’   At first we thought the diminutive Sportscaster Legend was making a short joke, then we realized, he wasn’t referring to Gunz’s height.

    HEY GUNZLEMAN…IS THAT A ROLL OF CERTS IN YOUR POCKET?  OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE CARLEY?

    8:05:12 a.m. –  There’s a new paid segment on some 50 Cumulus Stations called ‘Larry King:  Droppin’ In’  In today’s episode, Larry shares how he met Ryan Seacrest, who, we imagine, knew how to talk to Larry, after all those years of being with Dick Clark after the stroke.

    YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT, WITH LARRY, THE WORD ‘LIVE’ IS MEANT TO BE USED ‘LOOSELY’

    8:07:12 a.m.  –  Connell editorializes the News and gets a stern chastising from Imus.  He then receives a little ‘Journalism Lesson’ from the I-Man.  “Be sure to interrupt a story about an orphanage fire that killed 600 puppies with the announcement that, Tuf Cooper is no longer #1 in ‘Tie Down’ Roping.”

    “A TYPHOON JUST WIPED OUT THE TINY ISLAND NATION OF TUVALU…BUT…MAN!  I DON’T FEEL WELL…I’M SICKER THAN 9 DOGS…”

    8:38:37 a.m. – 8 Time World Champion Calf Roper, (and 2 time Gold Medalist at the Calgary Olympics) Joe Beaver, is on to talk about John Kerry’s trip to the Middle East.  Psyche.  He’s been doing the Play by Play for the National Finals Rodeo.  We ask Baby Jesus to spare Joe, because he makes Rodeo sound interesting.  We still would like Him to use his Baby Jesus powers to smite the I-Man.

    THIS ONE’S OKAY, BABY JESUS.  HE’S A GOOD DUDE.  THE CRANKY COWBOY SITTING ACROSS FROM US, HOWEVER...IT WOULD BE GREAT IF YOU COULD USE ALL OF  YOUR INFINITE, OMNIPRESENT BABY JESUS POWERS TO STICK A SOCK IN HIS CAKEHOLE

    9:05:18 a.m. –  Dagen reports that Austin Dillon, grandson of team owner, Richard Childress, will drive a Sprint Cup Car in 2014 with a slanted 3 number, made famous by seven-time cup champion Dale Earnhardt, who died in a crash in the last lap of the 2001 Daytona 500.  Imus says “We can only hope that he puts it into a wall.”   WHAT?  You’re wishing that Austin Dillon do a ‘Dale Earnhardt’, who ‘Went into the wall in the last lap of the 2001 Daytona 500?’  IN A NUMBER 3 CAR??   We’re all for wishing ill on somebody…but…how about a Flat Tire or Blown Engine?  Transmission Problems….anything.  That’s like wishing Paul McCartney get approached by an autograph seeker outside the Dakota. 

    ALTHOUGH DALE IS SMILING DOWN ON AUSTIN…WE DON’T THINK HE’S ALL THAT HAPPY WITH IMUS

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Dave Chappelle Weighs In On

    Black Santa

      

    THE HARDEST WORKING SANTA IN SHOWBUSINESS

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHOc12rlq60 

    Thursday
    Dec122013

    A Sign of the Apocolypse: Starbucks is Out of Coffee

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man is sorry he bought property in Texas because Ted Cruz is the representative in the Congress.  In a related story, Ted Cruz is sorry he’s the Texas representative now that Imus has bought property there.

    ALL THAT’S MISSING IS THE HOCKEY HELMET

    6:06:12 a.m. –  The Boss had Brant drive by the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree this morning, and has decided…it’s not all that impressive.  It’s just… ‘Okay’.  We agree.  A forty foot tree in the middle of an ice rink in the middle of a teeming metropolis…meh.   How could we make it something REALLY special?  How about hanging Rockettes off the branches?

    STOP KICKING AT GET UP ON THE DAMN TREE

    6:17:34 a.m. – Sadly, we realize that Warner has become as cynical and jaded as the rest of us.  He isn’t just happy that the Knicks are so terrible this season, he is actually gleeful that Mike Breen is suffering.  He wants to see the ESPN Color man hang himself off the hoop.

    DON’T DO IT, MIKEY…IT’S JUST A SHADOW…

    6:40:46 a.m. – Doug Brinkley is on to discuss Nelson Mandela’s life, but spends an awful lot of time talking about the Danish Prime Minister.  Apparently, he wouldn’t have to wait until closing time to take her home from the singles bar.  In his humble opinion, she’s the best Danish export since…Herring.

    THAT’S ONE SWEET DANISH BUTTER COOKIE

    6:55:11 a.m. – The impossible has just happened.  Starbucks has no coffee.  You heard right.  That’s like the Bunny Ranch not having any hookers.  Apparently, the coffee grinder caught fire.  So the I-Man was forced to drink an ‘Americano’.  Which is espresso and water.  Usually he drinks a Black Eye, which is espresso and coffee.  Maybe if they put an extra shot of espresso into the ‘Americano’, it would be close to what he’s used to.  We don’t know why they have espresso and NOT coffee, but maybe what’s missing is…the urine.

    OKAY, SO THE COFFEE GRINDER CAUGHT ON FIRE…WHY DON’T YOU JUST OPEN UP A FEW BAGS, YOU MORONS?

    7:05:15 a.m. –   We learn the South African interpreter is a paranoid schizophrenic, prone to violence.  So, let’s get this straight…you put a wack job who hears voices a foot away from the major leaders of the world…and you’re focusing on Michelle Obama making faces at her husband for leering at the Danish Prime Minister?

    “PRESIDENT OBAMA SAYS…HE REALLY WANTS A CIGARETTE RIGHT NOW…”

    7:17:15 a.m. –  Dagen’s attraction to women is ‘troubling’ to Imus.  We, however, find it to be something that should be whole-heartedly encouraged…like a child’s interest in art or music.  In fact, we look forward to the day when Dagen’s ‘appreciation’ for the same sex blossoms to the point where she will demonstrate her fondness…live, on camera.  Please, Baby Jesus…use all your Baby Jesus powers…

    NOW, IF STEVE DOOCY WOULD JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY…

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Mensa Meeting.  Mandatory Flu shots are coming to New York City.  We watch with bated breath, waiting for the top of Deirdre’s head to explode.   

    WE CAN ONLY HOPE THAT SHE DOESN’T HEAR ABOUT THE MEAT MANDATE IN SCHOOL LUNCHES

    8:01:02 a.m. – Carley has found another Starbucks…which is not an easy task in NYC, as there are only two on every Manhattan Street Corner.  She was able to locate one that was down in the subway…which is most convenient, as there’s a much better chance of finding someone to urinate in Imus’ coffee.

    CARLEY’S USUAL STARBUCKS…SANS COFFEE…THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF THE MORNING RUSH.  APPARENTLY THERE ARE NOT THAT MANY FANS OF THEIR MOCHA CHAI LATTES.

    8:05:12 a.m. –  The I-Man asks us if we know why the Rodeo has become so popular over the past two or three years.  It’s because of him.  He started talking about it ever since Joe Beaver began training Wyatt.  So you have yet one more thing to thank him for…along with Van Morrison’s ‘Astral Weeks’ album sales…the high ratings of the Eagles Documentary…and the availability of ‘Tofurkeys’.

    YET ANOTHER OF THE MANY THINGS WHERE ITS SUCCESS IS DUE TO THE I-MAN

    8:38:37 a.m. – Lori Rothman is on discussing how she has had to tell her children that they won’t be celebrating Christmas this year.  It’s not that she isn’t filled with the Christmas Spirit, it’s just that…they’re Jewish. 

    SANTA’S REAL NAME IS ‘KRIS KRINGLEBERG’.  WHO ELSE WOULD WORK ON CHRISTMAS EVE?

    8:40:08 a.m. –  The tradition of the ‘Elf on a Shelf’ is discussed.  Imus is not familiar with the practice of the little stuffed pixie hiding around the house to watch children’s behavior and report back to Santa.  It’s a good thing.  The little bastard would wind up being thrown off the terrace of the Penthouse with a nine millimeter slug in his head.

    YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE WHAT THEY DID WITH HIM NEXT…

    9:01:02 a.m. –  The I-Man asks Carley is she can cook.  When you look like Carley the only thing you ever need to make…is reservations. 

    DON’T YOU EVEN LIFT A FINGER, CARLEY…WE WOULD GLADLY DO ALL THE COOKING

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A DIFFERENT KIND OF ADVENT CALENDAR

    A NEW HOLIDAY TRADITION

      

    THE ELF ON THE SHELF HAS BEEN NAUGHTY…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pYjSJAvKgU 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pS8wv1meJo8 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTzKteUnFqY 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJIzz8uOoZU 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9mPdSGiIxc 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75XX8ajwaEs 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9B2IWQAh_Qw 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeEE3YBVJeo 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dxq4p-J2Lo4 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pM1WOqjGU4c 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dquWe9eEU_Y 

    Wednesday
    Dec112013

    You're in the POWER ROTATION!

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man wants to be brought up to speed on African Bands, as he is incredulous, as is most of the world, that, instead of Miriam Makeba, or Ladysmith Black Mambazo, two well respected African Musical Artists, CBS This Morning played Toto’s ‘Africa’ during their segment about the Mandela Funeral.  At least it wasn’t Billy Joe Shaver.

    CURRENTLY PLAYING THE LOUNGE IN HELL’S CASINO

    6:06:12 a.m. –   As if the Toto Infamia isn’t enough, it’s been announced that CBS Sports Network will be carrying the NFR from now on.  Which means that the I-Man won’t be able to watch it when he’s in Texas.  But seeing as how he’s already AT a %$#*ing Rodeo, it would appear to be a moot point.  Maybe without being able to watch the Tie Down roping, he won’t be going on and on about it like Whittaker Chambers getting a Thimerosal laced vaccination while viewing the Eagles Documentary and listening to Van Morrison’s ‘Astral Weeks.

    THE CALF IS LEAVING GAC AND JUMPING OVER TO CBS

    6:11:22 a.m. –  Warner reports that Johnny Mack Brown is not going to be re-signed by Texas.  Imus wonders when the Caretaker of his Brenham Ranch was ever signed to Texas.  Turns out that’s MAX Brown.  Here’s how you keep them straight:  Johnny Mack Brown works with a pigskin…Max Brown shovels Pig $#!&.

    IT’S NOT THIS MACK BROWN EITHER

    6:17:34 a.m. –  Connell reports that the family of six that went missing in the Nevada mountains has been found.  After their Jeep overturned in the wilderness, they braved the 21 below zero temperatures, for two days, by huddling together.  Of course, their biggest problem was that they were driving a Jeep and NOT an Escalade.  Because if they didn’t own such a CHUMP vehicle…they could’ve just hit the frigging ONSTAR Button.

    LOSE THE ATTITUDE AND JUST CALL A TOW TRUCK, OKAY, SWEETHEART?

    6:40:46 a.m. – Father Jonathan Morris is on for his annual holiday exorcism, except, this year, HE’S actually the one exorcised over Satan in the Morning’s antics.  The exchange leaves the Padre with a crisis of Faith that he is only able to justify by the knowledge that Imus is the only human being in history who The Baby Jesus would NOT forgive.

    “HOLY JESUS! UM…I MEAN…HOLY ME!  I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS A-HOLE…”

    6:55:11 a.m. – The I-Man wonders how Starbucks can run out of those little green stirrer deals that they stick in the hole in the plastic lid to keep the coffee hot.  He’s disturbed by this fact… he cannot fathom how they could not have enough of those to go around… “What if they ran out of coffee?”  Ah, White People’s Problems.

    THE REASON WHY THEY RUN OUT OF THESE THINGS IS BECAUSE THIS SELFISH MORON IS TAKING THEM FOUR AT A TIME

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The I-Man called it.  The world went Bat Dooky crazy over Obama’s handshake with Raul Castro.  He can’t believe people could be this stupid and petty.  What was he supposed to do? Play the knockout game?

    “SORRY, SEN~OR OBAMA…I JUST GOT OUT OF EL BAN~O AND THERE WAS NO PAPER TOWELS…”

    7:07:14 a.m. –   During the Mandela Funeral, there was apparently a fake sign language interpreter.  “Um…Kwame…Dikembe is stuck in traffic, can you stall for a little bit?”   The fact that he rolled his eyes and did the ‘J.O.’ gesture while President Obama was speaking should’ve been the first clue.

    THE UNIVERSAL SIGN FOR ‘FULL OF $#@!’

    7:19:38 a.m. –  The I-Man is cold.  The temperature in here is about that of the Tropic of Cancer, but the Boss is chilly.  It’s like a terrarium in here, Cactus would attempt to fan themselves… but Gramps needs a lap blanket.  Probably because Reptiles are cold-blooded.

    “NAT!!!!  TURN UP THE %$#ING HEAT!”

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Blonde on Blonde.  Please, Baby Jesus.  We realize we’ve asked for a lot this week, but we really need you to make it stop.  Just wave your little, chubby, 8 lb. 7 oz. Baby Jesus hand and make them go away.  In fact, we would actually sacrifice having to listen to the I-Man continue to incessantly talk about the effing rodeo as penance…if you would just find it in your heart to shut these two the hell up.

    ALL WE WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, BABY JESUS, IS A ‘SILENT’ NIGHT

    8:17:12 a.m.  –  “Jerry Jones” magically appears during Warner’s Sports report, and says the word ‘Titty’ about a million times.  Fox Business is still waiting for the Delay to catch up.  The program will now be another four hours longer. 

    JERRY DEMONSTRATES WHAT THE TITTY BAR PHYSICALLY DOES TO HIM

    8:40:08 a.m. –  Juan Williams is on to talk about the President’s visit to South Africa, and mentions that he told a friend he is on the Imus program ‘Once in a Blue Moon.’   “You’re in the POWER ROTATION!” the I-Man protests.  Maybe Juan just doesn’t want his friend to know he’s on the program that frequently.

    “NO…NO…I WASN’T ON WITH IMUS TODAY…MUST’VE BEEN A REPEAT…SERIOUSLY…IT MUST’VE BEEN THE LAST TIME I WAS ON…ABOUT THREE YEARS AGO…I KNOW I MENTIONED MANDELA’S FUNERAL…BUT UM…I WAS PREDICTING WHAT I THOUGHT MIGHT HAPPEN…”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE REASON FOR THE SEASON:

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lofRoxDl_GA 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_OmWREKhXo