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    Thursday
    Dec122013

    A Sign of the Apocolypse: Starbucks is Out of Coffee

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man is sorry he bought property in Texas because Ted Cruz is the representative in the Congress.  In a related story, Ted Cruz is sorry he’s the Texas representative now that Imus has bought property there.

    ALL THAT’S MISSING IS THE HOCKEY HELMET

    6:06:12 a.m. –  The Boss had Brant drive by the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree this morning, and has decided…it’s not all that impressive.  It’s just… ‘Okay’.  We agree.  A forty foot tree in the middle of an ice rink in the middle of a teeming metropolis…meh.   How could we make it something REALLY special?  How about hanging Rockettes off the branches?

    STOP KICKING AT GET UP ON THE DAMN TREE

    6:17:34 a.m. – Sadly, we realize that Warner has become as cynical and jaded as the rest of us.  He isn’t just happy that the Knicks are so terrible this season, he is actually gleeful that Mike Breen is suffering.  He wants to see the ESPN Color man hang himself off the hoop.

    DON’T DO IT, MIKEY…IT’S JUST A SHADOW…

    6:40:46 a.m. – Doug Brinkley is on to discuss Nelson Mandela’s life, but spends an awful lot of time talking about the Danish Prime Minister.  Apparently, he wouldn’t have to wait until closing time to take her home from the singles bar.  In his humble opinion, she’s the best Danish export since…Herring.

    THAT’S ONE SWEET DANISH BUTTER COOKIE

    6:55:11 a.m. – The impossible has just happened.  Starbucks has no coffee.  You heard right.  That’s like the Bunny Ranch not having any hookers.  Apparently, the coffee grinder caught fire.  So the I-Man was forced to drink an ‘Americano’.  Which is espresso and water.  Usually he drinks a Black Eye, which is espresso and coffee.  Maybe if they put an extra shot of espresso into the ‘Americano’, it would be close to what he’s used to.  We don’t know why they have espresso and NOT coffee, but maybe what’s missing is…the urine.

    OKAY, SO THE COFFEE GRINDER CAUGHT ON FIRE…WHY DON’T YOU JUST OPEN UP A FEW BAGS, YOU MORONS?

    7:05:15 a.m. –   We learn the South African interpreter is a paranoid schizophrenic, prone to violence.  So, let’s get this straight…you put a wack job who hears voices a foot away from the major leaders of the world…and you’re focusing on Michelle Obama making faces at her husband for leering at the Danish Prime Minister?

    “PRESIDENT OBAMA SAYS…HE REALLY WANTS A CIGARETTE RIGHT NOW…”

    7:17:15 a.m. –  Dagen’s attraction to women is ‘troubling’ to Imus.  We, however, find it to be something that should be whole-heartedly encouraged…like a child’s interest in art or music.  In fact, we look forward to the day when Dagen’s ‘appreciation’ for the same sex blossoms to the point where she will demonstrate her fondness…live, on camera.  Please, Baby Jesus…use all your Baby Jesus powers…

    NOW, IF STEVE DOOCY WOULD JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY…

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Mensa Meeting.  Mandatory Flu shots are coming to New York City.  We watch with bated breath, waiting for the top of Deirdre’s head to explode.   

    WE CAN ONLY HOPE THAT SHE DOESN’T HEAR ABOUT THE MEAT MANDATE IN SCHOOL LUNCHES

    8:01:02 a.m. – Carley has found another Starbucks…which is not an easy task in NYC, as there are only two on every Manhattan Street Corner.  She was able to locate one that was down in the subway…which is most convenient, as there’s a much better chance of finding someone to urinate in Imus’ coffee.

    CARLEY’S USUAL STARBUCKS…SANS COFFEE…THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF THE MORNING RUSH.  APPARENTLY THERE ARE NOT THAT MANY FANS OF THEIR MOCHA CHAI LATTES.

    8:05:12 a.m. –  The I-Man asks us if we know why the Rodeo has become so popular over the past two or three years.  It’s because of him.  He started talking about it ever since Joe Beaver began training Wyatt.  So you have yet one more thing to thank him for…along with Van Morrison’s ‘Astral Weeks’ album sales…the high ratings of the Eagles Documentary…and the availability of ‘Tofurkeys’.

    YET ANOTHER OF THE MANY THINGS WHERE ITS SUCCESS IS DUE TO THE I-MAN

    8:38:37 a.m. – Lori Rothman is on discussing how she has had to tell her children that they won’t be celebrating Christmas this year.  It’s not that she isn’t filled with the Christmas Spirit, it’s just that…they’re Jewish. 

    SANTA’S REAL NAME IS ‘KRIS KRINGLEBERG’.  WHO ELSE WOULD WORK ON CHRISTMAS EVE?

    8:40:08 a.m. –  The tradition of the ‘Elf on a Shelf’ is discussed.  Imus is not familiar with the practice of the little stuffed pixie hiding around the house to watch children’s behavior and report back to Santa.  It’s a good thing.  The little bastard would wind up being thrown off the terrace of the Penthouse with a nine millimeter slug in his head.

    YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE WHAT THEY DID WITH HIM NEXT…

    9:01:02 a.m. –  The I-Man asks Carley is she can cook.  When you look like Carley the only thing you ever need to make…is reservations. 

    DON’T YOU EVEN LIFT A FINGER, CARLEY…WE WOULD GLADLY DO ALL THE COOKING

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A DIFFERENT KIND OF ADVENT CALENDAR

    A NEW HOLIDAY TRADITION

      

    THE ELF ON THE SHELF HAS BEEN NAUGHTY…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pYjSJAvKgU 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pS8wv1meJo8 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTzKteUnFqY 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJIzz8uOoZU 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9mPdSGiIxc 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75XX8ajwaEs 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9B2IWQAh_Qw 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeEE3YBVJeo 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dxq4p-J2Lo4 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pM1WOqjGU4c 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dquWe9eEU_Y 

    Wednesday
    Dec112013

    You're in the POWER ROTATION!

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man wants to be brought up to speed on African Bands, as he is incredulous, as is most of the world, that, instead of Miriam Makeba, or Ladysmith Black Mambazo, two well respected African Musical Artists, CBS This Morning played Toto’s ‘Africa’ during their segment about the Mandela Funeral.  At least it wasn’t Billy Joe Shaver.

    CURRENTLY PLAYING THE LOUNGE IN HELL’S CASINO

    6:06:12 a.m. –   As if the Toto Infamia isn’t enough, it’s been announced that CBS Sports Network will be carrying the NFR from now on.  Which means that the I-Man won’t be able to watch it when he’s in Texas.  But seeing as how he’s already AT a %$#*ing Rodeo, it would appear to be a moot point.  Maybe without being able to watch the Tie Down roping, he won’t be going on and on about it like Whittaker Chambers getting a Thimerosal laced vaccination while viewing the Eagles Documentary and listening to Van Morrison’s ‘Astral Weeks.

    THE CALF IS LEAVING GAC AND JUMPING OVER TO CBS

    6:11:22 a.m. –  Warner reports that Johnny Mack Brown is not going to be re-signed by Texas.  Imus wonders when the Caretaker of his Brenham Ranch was ever signed to Texas.  Turns out that’s MAX Brown.  Here’s how you keep them straight:  Johnny Mack Brown works with a pigskin…Max Brown shovels Pig $#!&.

    IT’S NOT THIS MACK BROWN EITHER

    6:17:34 a.m. –  Connell reports that the family of six that went missing in the Nevada mountains has been found.  After their Jeep overturned in the wilderness, they braved the 21 below zero temperatures, for two days, by huddling together.  Of course, their biggest problem was that they were driving a Jeep and NOT an Escalade.  Because if they didn’t own such a CHUMP vehicle…they could’ve just hit the frigging ONSTAR Button.

    LOSE THE ATTITUDE AND JUST CALL A TOW TRUCK, OKAY, SWEETHEART?

    6:40:46 a.m. – Father Jonathan Morris is on for his annual holiday exorcism, except, this year, HE’S actually the one exorcised over Satan in the Morning’s antics.  The exchange leaves the Padre with a crisis of Faith that he is only able to justify by the knowledge that Imus is the only human being in history who The Baby Jesus would NOT forgive.

    “HOLY JESUS! UM…I MEAN…HOLY ME!  I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS A-HOLE…”

    6:55:11 a.m. – The I-Man wonders how Starbucks can run out of those little green stirrer deals that they stick in the hole in the plastic lid to keep the coffee hot.  He’s disturbed by this fact… he cannot fathom how they could not have enough of those to go around… “What if they ran out of coffee?”  Ah, White People’s Problems.

    THE REASON WHY THEY RUN OUT OF THESE THINGS IS BECAUSE THIS SELFISH MORON IS TAKING THEM FOUR AT A TIME

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The I-Man called it.  The world went Bat Dooky crazy over Obama’s handshake with Raul Castro.  He can’t believe people could be this stupid and petty.  What was he supposed to do? Play the knockout game?

    “SORRY, SEN~OR OBAMA…I JUST GOT OUT OF EL BAN~O AND THERE WAS NO PAPER TOWELS…”

    7:07:14 a.m. –   During the Mandela Funeral, there was apparently a fake sign language interpreter.  “Um…Kwame…Dikembe is stuck in traffic, can you stall for a little bit?”   The fact that he rolled his eyes and did the ‘J.O.’ gesture while President Obama was speaking should’ve been the first clue.

    THE UNIVERSAL SIGN FOR ‘FULL OF $#@!’

    7:19:38 a.m. –  The I-Man is cold.  The temperature in here is about that of the Tropic of Cancer, but the Boss is chilly.  It’s like a terrarium in here, Cactus would attempt to fan themselves… but Gramps needs a lap blanket.  Probably because Reptiles are cold-blooded.

    “NAT!!!!  TURN UP THE %$#ING HEAT!”

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Blonde on Blonde.  Please, Baby Jesus.  We realize we’ve asked for a lot this week, but we really need you to make it stop.  Just wave your little, chubby, 8 lb. 7 oz. Baby Jesus hand and make them go away.  In fact, we would actually sacrifice having to listen to the I-Man continue to incessantly talk about the effing rodeo as penance…if you would just find it in your heart to shut these two the hell up.

    ALL WE WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, BABY JESUS, IS A ‘SILENT’ NIGHT

    8:17:12 a.m.  –  “Jerry Jones” magically appears during Warner’s Sports report, and says the word ‘Titty’ about a million times.  Fox Business is still waiting for the Delay to catch up.  The program will now be another four hours longer. 

    JERRY DEMONSTRATES WHAT THE TITTY BAR PHYSICALLY DOES TO HIM

    8:40:08 a.m. –  Juan Williams is on to talk about the President’s visit to South Africa, and mentions that he told a friend he is on the Imus program ‘Once in a Blue Moon.’   “You’re in the POWER ROTATION!” the I-Man protests.  Maybe Juan just doesn’t want his friend to know he’s on the program that frequently.

    “NO…NO…I WASN’T ON WITH IMUS TODAY…MUST’VE BEEN A REPEAT…SERIOUSLY…IT MUST’VE BEEN THE LAST TIME I WAS ON…ABOUT THREE YEARS AGO…I KNOW I MENTIONED MANDELA’S FUNERAL…BUT UM…I WAS PREDICTING WHAT I THOUGHT MIGHT HAPPEN…”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE REASON FOR THE SEASON:

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lofRoxDl_GA 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_OmWREKhXo 

    Tuesday
    Dec102013

    More Christmas Cheer For All!

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man reveals something quite surprising about himself…he LOVES all the Christmas Decorations on 5th Avenue.  The pretty lights all twinkling, the giant plastic reindeer…the Rockefeller Christmas Tr…well, he won’t go THAT far.  Ebenezer Imus, a sucker for Holly and Mistletoe?  God Bless Us…everyone!

    IMUS PREFERS THE RED BALLS…TO BLUE BALLS

    6:15:30 a.m. –  Warner has a clip of Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.  Unfortunately, ‘Jerry’ isn’t ‘here’ this morning to talk to Mr. Wolf.  Apparently, Mr. Jones claims he is NOT going to be Warner’s ‘Dancing Monkey’.  Warner is disappointed like a kid who is denied a visit from Santa.  Which is saying something…as Warner is Jewish.   And to paraphrase Kinky Friedman, ‘We Gentiles believe the Jews killed Santa Claus.’

    TAKE THAT YOU FAT, ANTI-SEMITE BASTARD!

    6:17:34 a.m. – “He played both ways”   We are curious to hear which player Warner claims is bisexual…turns out he’s just referencing Green Bay Packer great, All-Pro, Heisman Trophy winning legend Paul Hornung, who played both defense AND offense.  Although he DID, however, play for the team known as the ‘Packers’…

    THIS BACKFIELD’S ‘IN MOTION’

    6:25:05 a.m. –  They’re having trouble with the oven over at Starbucks.  Carley will be a little late with the I-Man’s Vegetable Egg White Sammidge.  Uh oh. 

    SOMEBODY BETTER FIX THAT MOTHER#$%^ING OVEN…OR IT’S GONNA GET REALLY UGLY IN HERE.

    6:40:46 a.m. –  Alexis Glick is on to promote the GenYouth Foundation, and its work with nutrition…and…something about the National Dairy Council…and the NFL…and we really have no idea what the hell she’s talking about.  Somehow, Football and Cheese are related…we don’t know.  She IS in Chicago, which is only 90 miles from Wisconsin.  She must be a fan of the aforementioned Packers.

    GOT MILK?

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The Boss explains why it’s important to be seen in a Platinum Edition Escalade.  Why do you need one?  BECAUSE THEY MAKE THEM.   Anybody in a Suburban, has, clearly, just given up.

    IF YOU’RE SEEN IN A HYUNDAI SANTA FE?  YOU SHOULD JUST KILL YOURSELF

    7:17:15 a.m. –  Connell actually counts the house at Mandela’s funeral.  Apparently, it wasn’t a sell out.  An incredulous Imus cannot believe that McShane would be concerned with the ‘Empty Seats’ shown on the Jumbotron.  Clearly, the reason why it’s not Standing Room Only is because the I-Man hasn’t plugged it enough.  And, coincidentally, allow us to use the death of one of history’s most beloved icons to mention that Rob and Tony’s ‘I’m Dreaming of a Black n’ White Christmas’ tour ends this weekend, on Sunday at the New York Entertainment Club in Bellmore, Long Island, and The Seven Angels Theater in Waterbury, Connecticut.  How is that connected to Nelson Mandela, you ask?  He too, was dreaming of a ‘Black n’ White Christmas’…one in which  racial harmony would join together for Peace on Earth.

    THE DREAM GOES ON…

    7:18:17 a.m. –  The I-Man notices that Carrie Underwood has replaced Faith Hill in the TV opening for Sunday Night Football on NBC.  “It’s like the plot from that Nashville TV show.”  A cultural reference from Imus!   And one that Bernie is not aware of!   “You know, where the old country singer is replaced by the young country singer…”   NBC wouldn’t actually stage a stunt that might help promote the sagging ratings of one of their own shows, would they?   What’s next?  Al Roker in a Cowboy hat?

    AL ‘GRAVY PANTS’ ROKER

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Margaret Wrinkle is on to promote her book, Wash, which is a fictional story based on her family’s legacy as slave traders.  (What are they, like Baseball Cards)  It sounds like a fascinating book.  Tony doesn’t like the way she’s looking at him…she keeps telling him how ‘nice’ his teeth look.  He does hope the book does well, however…he plans on hitting her up for some reparations.

    “THANKS, MARGARET…NOW JUST COUGH UP THE 40 ACRES AND WE’RE EVEN.”

    8:01:02 a.m. –  Imus goes on a rant about why fat people bother drinking Diet Soft Drinks.  He then shows a clip of Cody Ohl from last night’s National Finals rodeo, resplendent in a pink shirt, and somewhat difficult to distinguish from the calves he’s roping.  Maybe he should start thinking about drinking Diet Coke.

    UM…YOU CALL HIM FAT.  WE’RE NOT INTERESTED IN GETTING ROPED TO A HITCHING POST

    8:07:14 a.m.  –  Lou makes an observation that winds up serving as Line of the Day:  “Dagen is the only woman that can make a man feel dirty.”  

    WE WILL ADMIT…THEM LEGS SURE MAKE US THINK DIRTY THOUGHTS…

    8:20:40 a.m. – Lou plays Canned Heat’s ‘Christmas Blues’, which features the lyric:  “You told me New Year’s Eve, that you’d be with me at Christmas Time.”   Which, obviously, is a year away, and, as we all know… $#!+ happens.   I-Man observes that she was probably drunk when she told the singer that.  Then again, he was probably the one drinking…if he actually believed her.

    “HEY!  HEY!  LISSHEN…BABY…LASHT YEAR YOU SHAID YOU’D BE HERE ROUND THISH TIME…WHERE THE &^%$ ARE YOU?”

    8:38:37 a.m. – Bob Schieffer is on to discuss Nelson Mandela, but, being that he’s from Texas, the I-Man decides to regale Mr. Schieffer with rodeo results.  In light of the tedium of having to listen to the Boss go ON and ON and ON about Tie Down roping, we’re beginning to believe that Nelson Mandela took the easy way out.

    “HMMM…SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT…CODY OHL HAS NOW PASSED TUF COOPER?”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    MORE CHRISTMAS CHEER FOR YOU!

      

    TRIUMPH, THE INSULT COMIC DOG’S

    CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UtZXP2FUBI 

     

    Monday
    Dec092013

    Stability in Afghanistan

    6:15:30 a.m. –   The I-Man is praising Mohegan Sun, where we were last Thursday and Friday, at the ‘Imus at Night’ concert with Delbert McClinton.  The crowd was especially festive Thursday Night…in fact, there was one woman, in particular, who was having such a good time, she jumped onstage and attempted to molest Delbert.  The Boss texted Wendy, Delbert’s wife, to tell him there was an overzealous fan, trying to ‘get’ her husband.  Wendy replied, “Sometimes, I kind of hope they DO get him.”  Fortunately for Delbert, The Crack Imus Security team wrestled the Groupie to the ground…and then took her for a ‘Check Up From The Neck Up’…although, she wasn’t quite as crazy as the crowd that got up at 5 o’clock in the morning on Friday Morning to ‘Watch’ us do a RADIO PROGRAM.

    DELBERT’S GROUPIE

    6:06:12 a.m. –  ESPN has made an official edict…on air talent can no longer use the word ‘suck’.  Which means that they probably can’t broadcast New York Giants or Knicks games anymore.  The I-Man observes that this new policy is somewhat ironic…in that ESPN, itself, sucks. 

    PROOF THAT ESPN DOESN’T SUCK

    6:17:34 a.m. – The Morning Log is missing.  Andre LeLong, the dude at ABC responsible for providing the log, is late.  Andre is a guy who wears a vest, suspenders, sock garters and spats.  He looks like he just stepped out of a barbershop quartet.  He is…in a word…CREEPY.  We shudder to think why he’s late this morning, but obviously, it takes a little more time to bury a coffin in the rain.

    THE VIEW OF ANDRE’S BACKYARD FROM HIS KITCHEN (WHERE HE CHOPS UP THE BODIES)

    6:40:46 a.m. – Bo  Dietl is on to discuss Nelson Mandela, who, according to Bo, was a great man, because he got rid of A Part Time in South Africa.  That’s a great legacy…making everything ‘Full Time’.  

    WE DON’T HAVE THE HEART TO TELL BO…THIS ISN’T NELSON MANDELA

    7:05:15 a.m. –   The I-Man shares that he was offered an opportunity to sponsor NASCAR driver Joe Nemechek.  20 Million Dollars.  Although he could save himself 19 million 999 thousand, 999 dollars by just burning a dollar bill in the street…with the very same results as he would get sponsoring this loser.

    WE GET THE FEELING HE DRIVES WITH THE LEFT BLINKER ON FOR THE ENTIRE RACE

    7:17:15 a.m. –  There’s no Quid Pro Quo here at Fox Business.   The I-Man responded to Kevin’s last minute request to have Kennedy on as guest, by immediately cancelling who we had booked…giving her the primetime 7:40 spot, without question.  But watch what happens when he asks for Friday off…

    TRANSLATION:  YOU FEED ME DISGUSTING GRUEL, I THROW UP IN YOUR FACE

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Kennedy is here.  She is lovely.  Smart, funny…and we suspect she’s a much better driver than Ted. 

    KENNEDY HAILS A CAB

    8:01:02 a.m. –  The I-Man begins to talk about the NFR.  Jesus.  God.  Jesus, please make him stop.  Baby Jesus we want You to use all Your Baby Jesus Powers…numb his tongue so we don’t have to listen to him talk about Tough Cooper and Cody Ohl…any more.  Please, Baby Jesus…work your Baby Jesus magic…forget turning the water into wine, the fishes and the loaves…healing the lepers…THIS takes precedence!

    ALAS, JESUS IS A RODEO FAN TOO

    8:18:12 a.m. –  Lou plays Robert Earl Keen’s ‘Merry Christmas From the Family”.   He plays the original Keen version, and not the Montgomery Gentry version.  “Because if you’re going to play ‘Merry Christmas From The Family’ you have to leave the tampon in”.  Um…WHAT???   Oh…you mean the lyric.  Never mind.

    READY TO LISTEN?

    8:38:37 a.m. – The Great Joe Beaver is on to discuss Nelson Mandela.  No, we’re just messing with you.  He’s on to talk about the National Finals Rodeo, for which he is doing the broadcast on the GAC Network.  Joe makes rodeo sound…interesting.  Maybe he can teach the I-Man how to do that when he’s giving Wyatt calf roping lessons.

    IT’S CUSTOMARY TO TAKE THE CALF TO DINNER BEFORE YOU DO THIS…

    9:00:18 a.m. –  Imus shares with us that Deirdre and Wyatt wake him up late at night to tell him the results of the NFR Tie Down Roping.   As opposed to just leaving a note he will find when he wakes up AT FOUR O’CLOCK IN THE EFFING MORNING.   The fact that the I-Man doesn’t see this as yet another piece of their master plan to get rid of him, is the very reason why they can do it.  That, and shining two flashlights in his eyes while shouting  ‘TRUCK!!!!’

    THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE THE I-MAN IS GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP

    9:15:30 a.m. –  Chuck Hagel is on his way to establish ‘Stability in Afghanistan’  Which, we assume, is the name of his new band…because ‘Stability in Afghanistan’ is an oxymoron.  Which, at first, we thought was pimple cream for stupid people.

    ‘STABILITY IN AFGHANISTAN’, PLAYING THEIR HIT, ‘KABUL COLLATERAL DAMAGE’

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS TAKES YET ANOTHER HIT

    WITH THIS YULETIDE CLASSIC

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLRnNMUOccY 

    Thursday
    Dec052013

    Is The I-Man Headed For a Home?

    6:05:10 a.m. –   There is a scandal brewing, and the I-Man is at the forefront of exposing the controversy:  Dennis Miller dyes his hair.  There is officially no God.  The formerly coolest cat in the room is now on an equal plane with your Uncle Morty.

    “YOU REALLY THINK THAT LOOKS NATURAL, CHA CHA?”

    6:06:12 a.m. – There is a discussion about the Rockefeller Christmas Tree, and the various Photographers who surround the Plaza offering to take pictures of tourists standing in front of it.  “Would you like a picture with the ‘Holiday Tree’?   HOLIDAY TREE?  Just what holiday is this CHRISTMAS tree celebrating?  We suppose that Menorah is for somebody’s birthday?

    “SOMEBODY’S NINE!  MAKE A WISH AND BLOW THEM OUT!!”

    6:17:34 a.m. – We are informed that we can no longer have Carley sing the dirty ‘Holiday Songs’.   O’Reilly is right.  There really IS a war on Christmas!  We don’t think we want to live in a world where we can’t have Ms. Shimkus sing about Mommy doing something more than just ‘Kissing’ Santa Claus.   We need to know what Scrooge-Like Grinch is behind this edict, and effectively sucking all the Joy out of this festive time of year.

    ON SECOND THOUGHT, PERHAPS NOT DOING FILTHY CHRISTMAS SONGS IS NOT THAT BAD AN IDEA AFTER ALL

    6:40:46 a.m. – The REAL Coolest Guy In The Room, not to mention the Most Lethal, (Even though he’s not ACTUALLY in the room…he’s live via satellite from an undisclosed location) Mike Baker is on, and uses the phrase ‘Goat Rope’ in discussing the Benghazi situation.  At first, we think it’s an ethnic slur, then realize it’s just a euphemism for “A situation where groups are obliged to comply with outdated, inconvenient or even counterproductive, rules.”  Like working on the Imus in the Morning Program.  Although, with some staff members, it would actually be considered “Buffalo Rope”.

    “DATE NIGHT” IN BENGHAZI…WHAT IS REFERRED TO IN LIBYA AS ‘GOAT ON A ROPE’

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The I-Man receives an email from his boss with the following statement:  “Working with you is like being on suicide watch.”   For who?  Imus?  Or our fearless leader?   All we know is, every morning, we are asked to surrender our belts and shoelaces to security.

    THE SIGN ON THE DOOR OF STUDIO G

    7:17:15 a.m. –  After 15 years, Hallak Cleaners FINALLY got enough starch in Imus’ jeans.  We think that it had less to do with the I-Man’s on-air threats, and more to do with Hallak’s deep-seated fear of Deirdre.  She’d take the starch OUT of that Dry Cleaner’s sails.  By removing his uvula through his anal cavity.  The good news for Deirdre is…at least now, there’s SOMETHING stiff in The I-Man’s jeans.

    WHEN YOU KEEP ‘EM BAGGY, NOBODY CAN SEE HOW MUCH OR LITTLE YOU’RE PACKING

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Mensa Meeting…and a huge, very spirited debate about The ‘Holiday’ Tree, versus ‘Christmas’ Tree.  Deirdre articulates the point brilliantly, with yet another ‘Line of the Week’:  “What’s next?  Should we call a Menorah the ‘Happy Candles’?”

    THIS IS ONE JUBILANT MENORAH!

    8:01:02 a.m. – All morning, the I-Man has been talking about Rolling Stone Magazine’s ‘Ten Greatest Songs of All Time.’   There is no Little Richard on the List, nor, for that matter, any K.C. and the Sunshine Band.  Ponderous.  Imus comes up with his own list, which, by the way, has no Beatles on it.  It does, however, include Kinky Friedman.  As self-absorbed as Kinky is, even HE doesn’t have one of his songs on his Top Ten List.  Van Morrison, of course, is represented with ‘Cypress Avenue’ from ‘Astral Weeks’.  Which, you will be happy to know, is the album Dr. Kevorkian suggests you put on the Victrola as a soundtrack to motivate you when using his ‘Final Exit’ machine.

    “YOU’RE STARTING TO FEEL SLEEPY NOW…THIS IS NORMAL…JUST EMBRACE IT, AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO LET GO…”

    8:15:30 a.m. –  In the wake of the Mensa Meeting, Imus mentions how much he likes Alan Colmes.  And then goes on about how Alan dyes his hair. As if Alan’s body image issues were ever suspect in the first place. We are starting to notice how obsessed the Boss is with Follicle matters.  Who is wearing a rug...who is dyeing their hair…spending WAY too much time looking in a mirror trying to primp his own unruly mane.  Vidal Sassoon isn’t that fixated with hair. 

    IF THIS WAS THE KIND OF ‘HAIR DON’T’ YOU WERE ROCKIN’…YOU MIGHT BE A LITTLE OCD ABOUT COIFFURES AS WELL

    8:27:54 a.m.  –  One of the Over the Top, Emotional Tributes accompanying Sam Champion’s Farewell to Good Morning America featured…Ginger Zee, who was effusive about what a great leader an inspiration Sam has been to her over the years, causing the I-Man to say “…and she didn’t have to sleep with him!”   Ginger says that if you “Look up ‘TV’ in the Dictionary, you will find Sam Champion’s picture.”   We agree, although we believe the ‘TV’ that’s referred to is the Euphemism for ‘Transvestite’.

    SAMMY WE HARDLY KNEW YE.  WE’LL MISS YOU TOO, ‘MISS’ CHAMPION

    8:40:08 a.m. –  Monica Crowley is on to discuss Obamacare, Benghazi, and whether or not her Brother-In-Law, Alan Colmes, dies his hair.  Alan is married to Monica’s sister, which means Thanksgiving must have been particularly interesting this year.  “Could you pass the peas, Monica?”  “I’d rather pass them than have Congress pass our Idiotic President’s health care bill.   But there are no peas left, because of the Socialist doctrine employed at this table because you decided to invite your poor neighbors over to have an equal share in the meal, even though they didn’t bring anything!”

    ONE OF THE GUESTS AT THE CROWLEY/COLMES THANKSGIVING…AND HE’S NOT HAPPY

    9:00:18 a.m. –  Deirdre has texted The Boss, and she’s not happy.  She happened to overhear our ‘Off the Air’ discussion about whether or not Deirdre and Wyatt will eventually put the I-Man in a Home.  She assures him, that, unlike what Rob and Tony maintain, she will NOT put him in a home.  He’s still going to one, however…but the Estate Attorney is the one who will be filing all the paperwork.  So HE will actually put the I-Man in the Home.  Deirdre and Wyatt will just visit. 

    “IT’S LUNCHTIME.”  “WHAT?”  “IT’S LUNCHTIME!”  “WHAT?”  “IT’S LUNCHTIME, YOU DEAF OLD BASTARD!”  “WHAT?”  “TIME FOR YOUR ENEMA!”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN KEEPING WITH THE CONCEPT OF

    SUCKING THE JOY

    OUT OF THIS FESTIVE HOLIDAY SEASON

     

    AN UNFORTUNATE EPISODE IN THE NORTHERN WOODS

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQHgITnrCLI