6:05:10 a.m. – Rob and Tony are fired.
6:06:12 a.m. – Rob and Tony are re-hired. They stop filling out their Unemployment Insurance applications.
‘PREVIOUS POSITION’: ROB PUT ‘FAT LOSER’
6:07:14 a.m. – The I-Man has made some running changes to the ‘Might Be Elvis’ segment. Panelists are not allowed to pick a song from an album on the Top 10 of iTunes. Tony will be submitting a song off the Temptations last album….something he bought at a gas station on cassette in 1978.
6:15:30 a.m. – Tony asks the Boss for some clarification on the new rules for song submissions. Does the I-Man mean the iTunes Top Ten? Or the Top Ten in each of the genres? Because Pharrell is NOWHERE to be found on the Country Chart.
DON’T LET THE HAT FOOL YOU. HE IS NOT A COUNTRY ARTIST
6:43:46 a.m. – Mike Baker is the guest, but the I-Man gets to him late…because he’s been going on about nuthin’. He says that Mr. Baker should be in the studio right now. What he doesn’t know is…Mike IS in the studio right now. In a concealed position with a strategic vantage point. He’s assessing the situation…with a laser scope.
NO, IMUS IS NOT HINDU…AND THAT DOT IS NOT JELLY
6:47:15 a.m. – The I-Man emails Rob, (Who is back in the Green Room, writing this very fine blog) to find out how many calories are in the oatmeal he just ate. Rob, unfortunately, does not look at his cellphone, as he has weaned himself off his addiction to it, since they were banned in the studio by the I-Man a few months ago. Even now, as we write at 7:35 A.M., (even though the entry is for 6:47 A.M., as we’ve been busy trying to do things that will improve the program) Rob has STILL not received the email. Regardless, the I-Man, patient sort that he is, Googles it himself…as he is ALWAYS on his cell phone, sometimes during segments of the program. He finds out that it’s 350 calories without the sugar, which he does not use, but with the nuts and berries he adds. Normally, when Carley gets the oatmeal, it’s only 300 calories, as there’s usually urine in it, which means there is less oatmeal. Sorry. We mean FEWER oatmeal.
GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS: BAD NEWS IS ROB HAS PEED IN THE BOSS’ OATMEAL. THE GOOD NEWS? ROB HAS A KIDNEY PROBLEM SO THERE’S PROTEIN IN HIS PEE
7:12:15 a.m. – “New policy…I’m only putting people on with books if I like the book…or I like the person.” The I-Man proclaims. Quick translation: There will be no more authors on the show.
SORRY, SAM…WE’RE SURE THIS ‘HUCKLEBERRY’ BOOK OF YOURS IS GREAT, BUT…THE I-MAN AIN’T READING IT
7:40:34 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting, or, as we call the panel, “Rafts You Can Use When The Great Flood Finally Comes Again.” Both the I-Man and the D-Woman say that if the Presidential Election were today…they would vote for Hillary Clinton. Let us repeat that. Both the I-Man and the D-Woman say that if the Presidential Election were today…they would vote for Hillary Clinton. We call Dr. Bill to get the weather report in Hell. We think the Polar Vortex may have infiltrated the Bottomless Inferno of Despair.
“HEY BEEZLEBUB…IS IT ME, OR IS IT CHILLY IN HERE? MY HORNS AND TAIL ARE FROSTBITTEN!”
8:03:06 a.m. – Connell reads a story about I-Fave Mitch Modell, of Modell’s Sporting Goods, spying on his competition, Dick’s Sporting Goods. Mitch, apparently, went around posing as a Dick’s executive. How many filthy headlines can YOU come up with for this story?
“Mitch Modell Spies on Dicks” – “Mitch Modell Intimidated By Dicks” – “Mo’s Interested In Dicks.” “Sporting Goods CEO Wants To Know Why Dicks Is So Big”.
MITCH MODEL UNDERCOVER, IN DISGUISE,
IN THE ‘HOCKEY EQUIPMENT’ DEPARTMENT AT DICK’S
8:07:14 a.m. – Earlier, Imus had asked Lori Rothman, the Business Update Babe on the 12th Floor, (And who gives ‘Perky’ a new meaning), if she’s been to any good concerts lately. The next time he goes to her, she tells the I-Man she looked it up on The Village Voice dot com, and Paul Simon and Sting are playing together at Madison Square Garden tonight. (She neglects to mention she found out there was also a ‘Swinger’s Party’ happening in Soho) She plans on attending the concert tonight. She should have NO problem getting tickets for that one, right? Day of? And Face Value, too. Maybe she could stand in front of the Garden and wait for intermission, when there’s a mass Exodus after Paul Simon is done with his portion of the show, before Sting goes on…only problem is…she’d probably be noticed as the rest of the Garden would be, well…empty. What are we trying to say here? Sting sucks. And Paul Simon could record the 1-877 Kars for Kids commercials, and we’d buy it.
UNFORTUNATELY, THEY ARE PLAYING TOGETHER, AT THE SAME TIME. IS THERE ANY WAY YOU CAN TUNE OUT HALF OF A DUET?
8:26:14 a.m. – Imus asks Tony if NFL Contracts are guaranteed. Tony replies that ‘Only the signing bonus, and essentially the first year are guaranteed, the rest of the contract is not.’ Warner pipes up and says that Peyton Manning’s contract is guaranteed. According to Bleacher Report, Manning is only covered if he passes the physical. Which, is not guaranteed, especially if Peyton has been up the night before, eating pizza with Papa John.
“NOW REF, ARE YOU SURE NONE OF THE STUFF IN THIS SAUCE IS GOING TO SHOW UP IN A URINE TEST? I GOT SOME OATMEAL I GOTTA ‘FIX’ ”
8:33:14 a.m. – Bernie reports a story about a New Mexican woman who was arrested for hitting her mother in the head with a vibrator. We’re not sure whose vibrator it was, however, which would change the story considerably depending upon that information.
“DAMMIT, MOM, I TOLD YOU TO PUT IT BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT WHEN YOU WERE DONE!”
8:45:14 a.m. – The I-Man lays into Arthur Aidala for not appearing in Studio live this morning. Aidala informs the Boss that he told Meghan, when she was booking him, that he was good every day EXCEPT Thursday, which is the morning he drives his son to school…the ONLY day he gets to spend any time with his boy… “Oh.” Says the I-Man. “Never mind.” He fires Meghan for the transgression.
8:48:14 a.m. – He rehires Meghan. She’s forced to abruptly cut off her celebration. She turns off the music, and the cork goes back in the champagne bottle.
SORRY, MEGHAN. THE PARTY’S OVER.
9:03:10 A.M. – It’s revealed that Dr. Bill Evans was a minor league baseball player, an infielder for the Lynchburg Braves, the Carolina League Atlanta Braves Farm Team. No Triple A ball, but…he was very successful in that he had a ‘sixth sense’ when it came to notifying the Grounds Crew when to “Roll out that Rain Delay Tarp”.
DR. BILL SUPERVISES THE GROUNDS CREW. (THAT’S HIM UNDER THE TARP ROLL…GOOD THING HE HAD HIS CATCHER’S GEAR ON)
VIDEO OF THE DAY :
JEREMY OLDFIELD IS JUST A LITTLE TOO EXCITED ABOUT OATMEAL…AND TAKES TWO DAYS TO MAKE A BOWL. AND HE DOESN’T EVEN PEE IN IT.
FRANKLY, WE PREFER TO LET THE QUAKER DUDE TAKE CARE OF IT