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Deirdre's Corner

 Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Congress must make Chemical Safety Act live up to its name

by Deirdre Imus - The Frank R. Lautenberg Chemical Safety Act for the 21st Century has a nice ring to it. Named for the late, longtime New Jersey Senator who passed away in 2013, the bill, championed in the Senate by Republican David Vitter and Democratic Tom Udall, would reform the Toxic Substances Control Act of 1976 (TSCA). It is a shame that both the current and proposed legislation fall far short of their lofty names, and that countless Americans have suffered, are suffering, will suffer as a result.  Read more...

Deirdre Imus on Your World with Neil Cavuto - Little Caesars now selling pizza with bacon-wrapped crust

 

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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    Thursday
    May152014

    Do Not Resuscitate

    6:05:10 a.m. – We can sleep easy now, as this morning comes the happy news that Casey Kasem has been found.  The former voice of ‘Shaggy’ from Scooby Doo is safe.  Thank God for Scooby and the gang…we’re sure they were instrumental in solving this mystery.

    GIVE THAT DOG A SCOOBY SNACK!

    6:10:20a.m. – Charles Gasparino is in Vegas, and was photographed in a ‘Wife Beater’ T-Shirt and fanny pack.  Take a second to go back and re-read that sentence.  Yes, your eyes were NOT deceiving you, Charles Gasparino is, indeed out in Las Vegas, spotted wearing a ‘Wife Beater’ T-Shirt AND a FANNY PACK!   A FANNY PACK!  What’s THAT for?  To hold his ‘Walkman’?   We think the headline here is… “They Still Sell Fanny Packs.”   Unless Gasparino’s is ‘vintage’, which, we’re beginning to think may be the case, because as comfortable he seems to appear dressed in this idiotic get up, it’s clearly not the first time he’s done it.

    ARE WE SURE THIS IS VEGAS AND NOT FIRE ISLAND?  WE’D HAVE TO SEE THE FOOTWEAR TO KNOW FOR SURE.  IF IT’S CROCS, WE WILL DEFINITELY HAVE OUR ANSWER

    6:12:24 a.m –  The I-Man reports that Geraldo called Joe Tacopina…a punk!  A punk!  We’d think this was a case of ‘It takes one to know one.’, but Rivera is not a punk.  He’s a bitch.  The I-Man’s bitch.  But, then again, so is Joe Tacopina.  So you bitches shut the f&^% up and start getting along.  Otherwise, the Boss will have to get his ‘Pimp Hand’ strong.

     NO WONDER THERE WERE 300 BILLION ‘SERVED’…AND WE DON’T MEAN JUST BURGERS.  PIMPIN’ AIN’T EASY.

    6:18:37 a.m. – During the Sports report, Warner does a story about the Nets/Heat game, but the audio clip, (or actuality, as it’s called in Broadcast Parlance…don’t say you’ve never learned anything from this blog) misfires.  (Also a Broadcast term)  Gunz, who is responsible for these clips, and who, except for ‘Mensa Meeting’ Days, does the show over at the ABC Studios on 32nd Street with Bernie and Lou, says that the “Computer Froze”.  That would never happen here at Fox.  NOTHING freezes here.  Because Imus keeps the studio temperature somewhere between The Rain Forest and the Dark Side of the Sun. 

    “NAT?  I’M FREEZING TO DEATH IN HERE!”

    AT 5778 KELVIN, (10 MILLION DEGREES) IT’S STILL A LITTLE ‘NIPPY’ FOR THE I-MAN

    6:35:07 a.m. – Fox reporter, Rick Leventhal, toured the 9-11 Memorial Museum, in advance of its’ public opening next week, and describes the many exhibits.  He notes that the museum is a tough and chilling experience, and, as a result, they placed doors all along the museum’s premises, so that people who are overcome by the experience, can make a quick and private exit.  We wonder why Fox didn’t employ the same type of blueprint for the studio here on the ground floor of the NewsCorp Building, as there has been many a guest looking for a way out while being interviewed by the I-Man.

     

    7:13:24 a.m  – The I-Man makes the case for Louis C.K. being a ‘National Treasure’.  Does that mean he’s like the Lincoln Memorial?  Or the movies with Nicholas Cage?  We couldn’t agree more with him about the genius of Louis, as evidenced in the most recent episode of his FX show, in which he wrote one of the greatest monologues ever to be heard, performed by a genius actress, Sarah Baker.  Her dissertation on what it’s like being a ‘Fat Girl’ is compelling, heartbreaking and amazingly insightful.  And quite a long way from “You’re a stupid Fat F&*K!”

    BUT SHE’S GOT SUCH A PRETTY FACE…

    7:17:34 a.m. – Connell mentions that, today, Nat’s a button or two low on his shirt, to the point where he will, essentially, be considered a ‘flasher’.  He’s revealing quite a lot of his trademark ‘Angora Sweater’-like chest hair.  Upon which, apparently, Dolly Parton complimented him on it, and suggested that he flaunt it more openly.  Which tells us that Dolly likes her men the way she likes her primates: Hirsute. 

    YOU THINK NAT’S CHEST IS HAIRY…YOU SHOULD GET A GANDER AT HIS BACK.

    7:40:12 a.m. – The MENSA Meeting.  Or, as Gary Busey would call it, “More Exceptional Nonsense Spoken Aloud”.  The topics include Boko Haram, children eating candy, Warren Buffet’s Billion Dollar Donations to Abortion Rights, and how Deirdre called the I-Man a ‘Javalina’  (Pronounced ‘Have A Leena’)

    WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL DEIRDRE IS TALKING ABOUT…

    8:16:32 a.m. – The I-Man asks Warner if he’s got any pets.  Warner says “Yes…a little dog!”  Imus asks what the pup’s name is.  “Well his name is ‘Nicky’…” Warner answers.  “…but I call him ‘Kato’.”   Uh huh.  Hm.  Maybe that’s why it doesn’t come when you call it, Warner.

    “IT’S ACTUALLY NOT A BAD EXISTENCE, REALLY…THEY FEED ME EVERY DAY, TAKE ME FOR WALKS, BUT EVERY ONCE AND AWHILE HE CALLS ME ‘NICKY’.”

    8:36:14 a.m. – Dr. Barron Lerner, an internist at NYU Hospital at Bellevue and a Bio Ethics expert with a Phd in History is on… His book, The Good Doctor: A Father, a Son, and the Evolution of Medical Ethics “ .  We think we’ll wait for the movie, although, the I-Man suggests everybody read the book, because… “Everybody goes to the doctor.”  Wow.  So that’s the reason why we bought Lee Iaccoca’s book.  Because everybody drives.  The good Doctor’s deal, according to the I-Man’s simplification, is, he “want(s) to make people well, and his father wanted to kill people.”   Differing medical philosophies between the Elder and the Junior Dr. Lerner, involving the concept of a DNR.  Which, at first, we think means ‘Department of Natural Resources, but we later find out means ‘Do Not Resuscitate’.  An order for which, we are sure, Deirdre has on the I-Man, should he even…take a nap. 

    THE BRACELET THE D-WOMAN GAVE THE I-MAN THEIR FIRST CHRISTMAS TOGETHER

    9:05:10 a.m. -  There are some things a human being were never meant to see.  War atrocities, the death of children, and…The Boss getting his makeup removed.  We’ve suffered through his pedicure photos, his eating of a banana, and his steroid induced punkin head…but this image we will NEVER be able to wipe from our sense memories.

    THE I-MAN DOING HIS ‘MONICA LEWINSKY’ IMPRESSION

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    In case you didn’t see last Monday’s ‘Louie’ Episode:

    The aforementioned, truly AMAZING ‘Fat Girl’ Scene, as written by Louis C.K. and performed by the brilliant actress, Sarah Baker

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFdWcNJ17YY

    Wednesday
    May142014

    The Great Dolly Parton!

    6:05:10 a.m. – It’s a VERY special morning this morning.  The great Dolly Parton is here!  This woman sold 100 MA MA MA MILLION records!  She has brought with her a 45 member entourage.  Almost as many as Bethenny Frankel.  But the difference is…She’s Dolly Parton.  Bethenny Frankel is…well…you know. The ‘A’ word, the ‘B’ word and the ‘C’ word.

    BOY, THAT FACELIFT REALLY DIDN’T WORK OUT FOR KENNY ROGERS, DID IT?

    6:07:14 a.m. – The I-Man reveals that the cells he had removed from his cheek are benign.  Apparently, they were just ‘Dry Skin’.  Dagen comments on his new ‘Robert DeNiro Mole’ and comments that it looks like a fly has landed on his face.  The I-Man responds “I could fit right in with your family, seeing as how I’d be covered in flies.”  Oh, snap.  The I-Man went all ‘Solange’ on Dagen.

    “ARE YOU TALKIN’ TO ME?   ARE YOU…TALKIN’ TO ME? I’M THE ONLY ONE HERE…”

    6:23:46 a.m –  Dolly sings the title song from the new album “Blue Smoke”, about a woman who’s on a train, gettin’ the hell outta Dodge, away from some cheatin’ S.O.B.   She’s rolling down the track.  At the end of the song, she asks “Hey Don!  Wanna roll down the track with me?”   No, Dolly, not with all that blue smoke around.  He has a hard enough time breathing as it is.

    “IS DOLLY ON THE TRAIN?  I CAN’T SEE THROUGH ALL THIS F%$KING BLUE SMOKE!”

    6:40:07 a.m. – Lanny Davis is on…and the question is posed… “Who WOULDN’T Lanny Davis represent?”  He’s already provided his services to Bill Clinton, A-Rod and a dictator in Equatorial Guinea.   Hmmmm.   How about Rob Ford?  Or Alec Baldwin?   Or Kim Jong Un?

    “HEY RANNY, OVER THERE IS WHERE I HAD UNCLE EATEN BY DOG…GAVE DOG STOMACH ACHE…HAD TO HAVE DOG SHOT…SO…HOW YOU THINK YOU CAN SPIN THAT FOR ME?”

    7:10:28 a.m. – Connell reports a story about a man, claiming to be God, who stole a pickup truck and drove it into a TV station.  As Dagen so aptly put it, we think that God would have his OWN pickup truck.  Not to mention, he’d be a better driver.

    HE’S GOT ONE DUI ON HIS RECORD…AFTER DRIVING HOME FROM THE WEDDING AT CANA

    HE SWORE TO HIS FATHER THAT HE ONLY DRANK WATER

    (AND HE GOT REALLY OFFENDED WHEN THE COP WHO PULLED HIM OVER MADE HIM HOLD HIS ARMS OUTSTRETCHED FOR THE SOBRIETY TEST)

    “C’MON…REALLY GUYS?  DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”

    7:17:24 a.m  – Dolly sings a new song off her new album, called ‘Home’.  The multi-talented Miss Parton plays the banjo during the performance, because her usual banjo player called out sick.

    LOOKS LIKE A TOUCH OF THE FLU…HE’S DEFINITELY ‘TOUCHED’

    7:39:34 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde.  Or as we call it this morning, “Deirdre ‘Solanges’ Lis”.  It seems that, back here in the Green Room, Ms. Wiehl photo-bombed Deirdre’s moment with Ms. Parton.  The I-Man is incensed, maintaining that Lis has NO Country Credibility.  Deirdre says Lis was “Falling all over herself” in front of Dolly.  Which is very unusual for Lis.  She usually only falls all over the mens.

    “HEY DOLLY…MAYBE WE COULD GET TOGETHER LATER FOR A DRINK…MAYBE A BITE TO EAT…Y’KNOW, SEE HOW THE EVENING PROGRESSES…”

    7:39:34 a.m – A topic featuring a stat that 3.3 Million deaths are attributed to alcohol, Deirdre calls for Prohibition.  Good move.  It worked so well the last time.

    UM…LADIES?  WE DON’T THINK ANY LIPS WILL BE TOUCHING YOU ANYWHERE UNLESS THEY’VE TOUCHED A WHOLE LOT OF LIQUOR

    8:05:32 a.m. – The I-Man interviews Dolly, and she’s as charming, sweet and lovely as you would imagine.  It IS true that ‘The Bigger they are, the nicer they are.’   Imus says when he first got the new album he saw that she does a duet with Willie Nelson on the record, and that’s where she got the title ‘Blue Smoke’.  She admits there was quite a bit of it in the recording studio and she says “He shoulda brought me a sack of that dope, because I couldn’t keep up with him.”

    WILLIE ‘SINGING’

    8:36:14 a.m. – The Boss brings up Dolly’s duet of ‘Islands in the Stream’ with Kenny Rogers, and tells her the story about the time Kenny was calling the I-Man’s name on the street, and he didn’t recognize the face, because it had been radically altered by cosmetic surgery.  Dolly says that “The last time I saw him, he looked pretty good…he’s growing into his facelift.”

    KENNY BEFORE AND AFTER HIS ‘ASIANWOMANECTOMY’

    8:26:14 a.m. – Dolly sings ‘Banks of the Ohio’, an old folk tune, a 19th Century Ballad that the I-Man played back when it was a hit.

    RED ‘SKEETER’ WILLIAMS, ON ‘FRONTIER BANDSTAND’,

     PERFORMING ‘ON THE BANKS OF THE OHIO’

    8:39:01 a.m. – Dolly Parton sings “I Will Always Love You”, which she wrote, and proceeds to blow the ROOF off the studio.  Even Whitney sat up and took notice.

    “DAMN!  THAT GIRL CAN SING!”

    8:45:09 a.m. – Dolly does one of her classic hits, ‘Jolene’, about a ‘Hussy’.  Despite what you might think, it’s not a thinly veiled tune about Lis Wiehl.

    LIS.  DEFINITELY A HUSSY.

    9:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man says “Whitney Houston did a good job with ‘I Will Always Love You’, I mean, she sold 4 million copies, but when Dolly sang it, the hair stood up on my neck.”  It was a truly masterful performance, because, forget the fact about how difficult it would be for hairs to get through on THAT neck, but it’s the first time in a LONG time that ANYTHING has been erect on the Boss.

    THAT’S A LOT OF HAIR TO STAND UP

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    WHAT DID YOU THINK WE WERE GOING TO CHOOSE?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAQ2SiSAt-A 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1zJzr-kWsI 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1plvBR02wDs 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gS-F4rfU4ns 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DimsVfGAbzo

    Tuesday
    May132014

    A Raisin in the Studio

    6:05:10 a.m. – The morning begins with an assessment of the Story of the Day: Jay-Z’s ‘Hard Knock Life’, namely, his Sister-In-Law kicking the S#!& out of him on a security camera in an elevator.  First Paul Simon, now Jay-Z.  It’s an epidemic.  Good news is, at least Eminem is back together with his Moms.

    “DOWN GOES CARTER!”

    6:12:24 a.m –  The Controversial ‘Michael Sam Kiss’ is viewed, and discussed.  Former New York Giant Derek Ward tweeted his ‘disgust’ at Sam’s cake-filled kiss with his boyfriend that was broadcast right after Ward was drafted by the St. Louis Rams.  We hope that his ‘disgust’ had to do with the waste of pastry, and not that he’s homophobic.  Rob is empathetic.  Not only with the homosexual community, but with the waste of quality baked goods.

    WE WOULDN’T EVEN WANT TO SEE IMUS AND DEIRDRE KISS WITH THEIR FACES COVERED IN CAKE.  NOT THAT THERE WOULD EVER BE CAKE, BUT WE GET QUEASY JUST WATCHING DEIRDRE AND THE I-MAN KISSING IN GENERAL

    6:35:07 a.m. – Litigator, Arthur Aidala is on, and reveals that he was at the Brooklyn Nets’ game the other night with ‘I-Fave’ Joe Tacopina…and that Tacopina wears a Nets Jersey with his own name on it.  He then informs us that this is not an unusual practice, as Tacopina does it with every team.  As if that would make it better.  We think Joe thinks that it’s like Miss Runner Up at the Miss America Pageant.  In case the real player can’t fulfill his duties, Joe’s on deck, waiting to fill in.

    IN CASE MASON PLUMLEE SPRAINS AN ANKLE…JOE IS READY…

    7:08:28 a.m. – Investigative Reporter, ‘Snoop’ Imus, “Peels back the onion” on Lori Rothman’s contentious In-Law problem.  It seems there’s a conflict of philosophies.  The Grandparents believe in spoiling the children, plying them with candy and ice cream, and then sending them back to Lori all jacked up on sugar highs.  That never happens in other families.  For example, at Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown’s house, they’d send the kids to the grandparents already wired up.  And not on Snickers Bars or Hagen Dazs.

    “A CRAPPY LOLLIPOP?  MOMMY ALWAYS GIVES ME CRACK!”

    7:13:24 a.m  – The I-Man wants an intern to get him coffee.  Which, the way things work here, he will have the day after he leaves for the Ranch.  The Coffee will probably be pretty cold by the time he gets back, but at least, Carley doesn’t need to go get it.

    THIS WAS HOT WHEN THE INTERN GOT IT.  BUT WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, YOU MAKE ICED COFFEE

    7:35:34 a.m. – Hollywood and Vine.  Or, as we like to call it, “Will You Shut the F%$K Up, Riedel So We Can Hear The Babes Talk?”  The I-Man relates a story about Deirdre wearing ‘Pedal Pushers’.  How that relates to Show Business Scum news, is anyone’s guess, but the story ended with Deirdre referring to the Boss as ‘A Raisin’.  And based on the way we think she said it…it wasn’t organic.

    HE SHOULD’VE TOLD HER THE PEDAL PUSHERS LOOKED ‘NICE’ ON HER

    7:40:34 a.m. – A long discussion about the latest production of ‘Phantom of the Opera’ ensues, as Imogen shares that her father came in especially to see Norm Lewis, the first African American to play the Phantom on Broadway.  The only way a discussion of ‘Phantom of the Opera’ would interest the I-Man would be if HE were in it.  The fact that he is the only one in New York who HASN’T been in it by now is amazing in itself.

    WE DON’T KNOW WHY IMUS HASN’T STARRED IN IT…HE’S ALREADY GOT THE HAT

    8:05:32 a.m. – Connell reports that a School Principal in Long Island City was having sex in the school during class with another school official.  The I-Man, of course, asks what she looks like. Connell returns with “What difference does it make?”  The Boss says that if she’s Mary Kay LaTourneau hot, it’s one thing, if she’s some fat pig, it’s another. 

    IF WE’RE TALKING THE PICTURE ON THE LEFT, WE’RE INTERESTED.  IF WE’RE TALKING THE PICTURE ON THE RIGHT, WE’LL TAKE A HALL PASS

    8:16:14 a.m. – Clay Aiken’s Primary Opponent, Keith Crisco, mysteriously died during the recount of their runoff.  Reports were that Crisco was planning to concede the race.  “I guess he did, then.”  The I-Man muses.  No more Crisco for Clay.  He’ll have to switch to Wesson Oil.

    WESSON: DON’T GO TO A BETTE DAVIS LOOKALIKE PARTY WITHOUT IT

    8:18:14 a.m. – The I-Man plays a video of Gunz in some kind of commercial trying to sell a Prius to two single ladies.  He gets a piece of paper from one of them, ostensibly with her phone number on it, but later, upon opening the note, it reads: “Don’t you ever call me.”  Gunz couldn’t get laid if he were sitting in a Porsche on a booster seat made of hundred dollar bills, going through the Drive Thru at the Bunny Ranch.  Which prompts the I-Man to tell his famous ‘Porsche Joke’.  “What’s the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine?  With a Porcupine, the Pricks are on the outside.”  Not always.  Sometimes they stand next to it.

    “NO, REALLY, IT LOOKS GOOD ON YOU, GUNZ!  SERIOUSLY!”

    8:38:14 a.m. – Colonel Tom Manion is on with his book, Brothers Foreverthe poignant story of his son Travis, and Brendan Looney, who met, became best friends, and died serving their country.  This is what makes the Imus in the Morning show great.  In the past 48 hours we’ve had Captain Wes Moore, Colonel Tom Manion, right along serious discussions as to whether the Principal who did the nasty in the school was hot enough to be interesting.  This ain’t your mother’s Morning Zoo.

    GO TO AMAZON.COM.  NOW.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    The Bout of the Century

     

    SOLANGE AND JAY Z AT THE WEIGH IN

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWdhX9c_7FA

    Monday
    May122014

    Make You Wait!

    6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man is not happy.  Especially with the Fox Business TV audience.  He notices that the ratings the past couple of days have sucked.  And he’s going to take it out on them.   Warner was going to play a really great Charles Barkley clip during the Sports Promo.  The Boss, not known for his patience, wants Warner to play it immediately, then decides that he has to discipline himself and “Make you bastards wait.”  That’ll show ‘em. 

    ALL OF YOU IN OUR FOX BUSINESS TV AUDIENCE…USE YOUR WAITING TIME PRODUCTIVELY

    (THIS YOGA POSITION IS KNOWN AS THE ‘UPWARD DOG’)

    6:07:14 a.m. – The Boss says that every time he goes to Texas, he gets fatter.  He’s Six Foot Tall, 159 pounds, and wonders if he should call the NJ Diet people, so he can lose between 20 and 45 pounds in 40 days.  There’s another way to achieve the same goal.  Go ‘Jesus Style’.  Head out to the desert for 40 days and ignore the Devil.  He won’t have to worry about any buzzards…there won’t even be enough meat on the I-Man’s carcass for a little Birdie Snack.

    “I DUNNO, BOB…IT HARDLY SEEMS WORTH EVEN SWOOPING DOWN TO TAKE A LOOK” 

    6:12:24 a.m –  Connell reports a story about the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, playing hockey with former NHL Stars, Pavel Bure and Alexei Kastonov.  Putin’s team won 21-4, with the president scoring 6 goals and 5 assists.  The players on the opposing team who scored the 4 goals…are currently skating (on thin ice)…in Siberia. 

    THE PRESIDENT MUST BE A VERY GOOD SKATER. HE DIDN’T GET ‘CHECKED’ ONCE.

    6:35:07 a.m. – “Bo Dietl, Bo Dietl, where you been?”  “Up to your mama’s house and back again.”  Bo is incensed at this guy ‘Boko Haram’.  The I-Man tries to explain to him that it’s not a person…it’s a terrorist organization.  It degenerates into a ‘Who’s on first’ routine, with  Bo relating that he once provided security for a Middle Eastern Sultan, and so he knows the Sultan of Brunei is a ‘hippo-pottamus’.   We think he means ‘Hypocrite’, because they are trying to bring ‘Sheer Law’…which we think he means ‘Sharia Law’…unless he’s referring to really transparent legislation.   The quote of the morning is:   “Lesbianics are really sexitatious.”  How we got from Nigeria to a ‘Munchatation Situation’ is an art that ONLY BO can master. 

    BO, HAVING A “CONSULTATIONIZATION SITUATION” WITH THE “SULTANIANIC”

    6:53:08 a.m. –  The I-Man is very excited about the new Seth McFarland Movie ‘A Million Ways To Die in The West’.  He says he might actually go to the theater to see it.  We shudder to think what that experience might be like.  The I-Man, out in ‘The Wild’, at some Jersey Multiplex.  People might think they’re in the wrong theater…that somehow, they are seeing ‘Cocoon.’

    WILFRED BRIMLEY, DON AMECHE, AND THE I-MAN, IN ‘COCOON’

    7:07:28 a.m. – Imus grills Lori Rothman on her Mothers’ Day.  It seems that only ‘Part of it sucked’.  Someone misbehaved…and it wasn’t the kids.  Apparently, there is some tension between Lori and her Mother in Law.  We can’t imagine why.  Lori is such an easygoing soul. 

    “HOW CAN I KILL THIS BITCH AND GET AWAY WITH IT?”

    LORI ROTHMAN, (R) AND HER MOTHER IN LAW

    7:09:24 a.m  – We learn that the leader of the Boko Haram leader is Abubakar Shekau.  Or, as Bo Dietl pronounces it ‘Abba Dabba Do’

    AN ‘ABBA DABBA DOO’

    7:39:34 a.m. – “It Might Be Elvis” – A musical suicide note from Mark Knopfler and Van Morrison, an Alan Jackson imitation of Frankie Lane doing Rawhide for the ‘Million Ways To Die In The West’, a Ha Ha Tonka song that has already BEEN on IMBE, and an Eminem clip we can’t hear because it’s…well, Eminem…and it needs about 4 minutes and 9 seconds of editing and the song’s only 4:11. 

     

    EVEN MARK KNOPFLER IS BEMUSED

    8:16:32 a.m. – Warner reports that Baseball Games are now lasting four hours long… “Where are you going to go?” the I-Man asks anybody watching a Mets Game…as he believes they have NO place to go.  It suggests that an awful lot of homeless people are Mets Fans.  Yes.  And?

    A TYPICAL METS FAN

    8:18:14 a.m. – The I-Man responds to Charles Barkley’s comments about ‘Fat Girls’ in San Antonio.  He notes that they’re not just in San Antonio Texas, some of the rodeos he goes to, he sees some girls in the jeans with the sparkles on the pocket.  He’s seen some butts he could set a bucket of water on.

    TWO HEALTHY TEXAS GALS IN SPARKLE JEANS.  YOU CAN’T SEE THEM SPARKLING, BECAUSE LIGHT CAN’T ESCAPE A BLACK HOLE

    8:38:14 a.m. – Rhodes Scholar, New York Times Bestselling Author, U.S. Army Officer, former 82nd Airborne Ranger, Wes Moore is on to discuss the plight of American Veterans, and the documentary he made about soldiers returning to the U.S. after Iraq and Afghanistan, called “Coming Back” It’s a three part mini-series Tuesday Nights at 8 PM on PBS.

     

    THIS MAN’S RESUME WOULD COVER ABOUT 5 LIFETIMES.

    8:50:14 a.m. – “That’s one of the most impressive guests we’ve ever had.”  Dagen sees Presidential potential.  “He really must make Rob and Tony feel inferior.”    Yeah.  We needed him to make us feel that way.  It’s not like we are made to feel that way EVERY F&*^ING day.

    THIS IS HOW WE FEEL STANDING NEXT TO WES

    9:06:14 a.m. – The I-Man asks Lou if he’s found the Eminem track yet.  Lou informs him that he’s always had it, but in its current form, it’s unplayable.  Apparently, it has a lot of naughty words in it.  It would require a number of beeps.  The Boss thinks about playing it anyway, “What could happen?”  Oh…probably nothing.   We’re sure The FCC isn’t listening.  And according to the I-Man this morning, during his rant about the Fox Business Audience, there’s nobody watching either.

    THE YOUNG EMINEM AND HIS MOMS.  WE HAVE TO SAY, IF OUR MOTHER CUT OUR HAIR LIKE THAT, WE’D STOP SPEAKING TO HER TOO

     NOW WE KNOW WHY HE WEARS THE HAT…ALTHOUGH, IF HIS MOM REALLY LOOKED LIKE KIM BASINGER, HE MIGHT HAVE MADE UP WITH HER SOONER

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    AN AMAZING CLIP FROM ‘COMING BACK WITH WES MOORE’

    FEATURING VETERAN BRAD FARNSLEY’S STORY

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYprjQzizNA 

    Friday
    May092014

    El Viejo Maricon

    6:05:10 a.m. – “Johnny Manziel went through more bottles of water than they set out for the Marathon”.  The I-Man comments on Johnny Football’s LOOOOOOOONG wait to get picked…eventually, by the Cleveland Browns.  He went 22nd.  NOT FIRST.  That distinction went to some clown.  We mean, Clowney.  As in Jadeveon.  Who will be going to the Houston Texans.

    MANZIEL REACTS TO NOT EVEN MAKING THE TOP 20

    6:07:14 a.m. –  Imus says that ESPN’s NFL Draft Coverage, with Mel Kiper Jr. is the WORST PERSON ON TELEVISION.  And you can see how all the other hosts hate him.  We assume he’s still talking about Mel Kiper.

    MEL KIPER (R)

    WE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT HAPPENED WHEN EDDIE MUNSTER GREW UP

    6:12:24 a.m –  Apparently, the “I-Scalade” wouldn’t start this morning, so the I-Man had to take a cab to work while Brant went to get Jumper Cables.  It took a third of the time for the Boss to get to work this morning, probably because the driver didn’t go through New Jersey.  Imus remarked that on his way this morning, he saw streets he never saw before…with names like ‘Broadway’, ‘6th Avenue’ and ‘48th Street’.  It’s the first time he’s made the under two-mile trip without going across the George Washington Bridge.

    “MY FRIEND…WHY FOR YOU HAVE OXYGEN TANK?  YOU NOT GOING TO BLOW ME UP, YES?”

    6:35:07 a.m. – K.T. McFarland is here to discuss the situation in Nigeria.  She believes we should do something about the Boko Haram, but no ‘Boots on the ground.’   Of course, that still allows us to send a few F-18’s over there to bomb them back to the Stone Age.  Which would set them back to last Thursday.

    “ALPHA BRAVO…YOU ARE CLEAR TO FOXTROT UNCLE CHARLIE KILO THE TARGET”

    6:42:08 a.m. –  The I-Man asks K.T.  “Did Kissinger ever hit on you?”  Her terse reply:  “For the 50th time…NO!”  So…does that mean you hit on him?  Apparently, Hank was quite the ‘hound’.  We’ve heard some rumors that ‘Foreign Relations’ referred to him doing the nasty with and Golda Meir.

    “IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME, GOLDA.  BESIDES, YOU’RE A TAURUS, I’M A GEMINI

    …IT JUST WON’T WORK!”

    7:09:28 a.m. – Imus says that the fans made the Draft last night ‘Great’.  Um…wearing their Team Jerseys, sitting in Radio City Music Hall…watching the clock tick.  Great?  Tony says it was exciting, the same way watching the timer on the microwave as your popcorn pops is exciting.  Johnny Manziel had so many empty water bottles around him, he looked like he was sitting in a recycling bin.  There was a little excitement in the middle of the Draft, when we heard over the P.A.: “WILL THE OWNER OF A 1973 NOVA CUSTOMPLEASE REPORT TO SECURITY?  IT’S NOT BLOCKING ANYTHING, IT’S JUST A PIECE OF S#@& AND YOU’RE EMBARRASSING RADIO CITY.”

    675 GUYS JUMPED UP WHEN THEY HEARD THE ANNOUNCEMENT. 

    COINCIDENTALLY, THEY WERE ALL JETS FANS

    7:18:36 a.m  – The I-Man grills Lori Rothman about Mother’s Day.  After trying for about five minutes to get her to give a straight answer to his question, she finally reveals she doesn’t expect her family to do anything for her.  However, she knows they will acknowledge her Mother in Law.  From the tone of her voice, Imus can tell…there’s a problem there.  Not that he’d exploit that for the next year or so.  It’s clear Lori HATES her Mother in Law, and her Mother in Law isn’t that crazy about Lori either.  Which, we’re sure, makes life a nightmare for Mr. Rothman.  Yeah, that’s what every man wants.  To be caught in the crossfire between his Mama and his Baby Mama.  He’s either not gonna get any of his Mom’s Apple Pie…or any of his wife’s Sweet Cherry Pie.  One or the other.  Can’t be both.  Just a word to Mr. Rothman:  You might want to put a scoop of vanilla ice cream on that apple pie.  A la mode will make it taste so much better…which will help the bitterness of the fact that you won’t be getting laid anytime soon.

    LORI ROTHMAN.  DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A WOMAN WHO IS HAPPY WITH HER HUBBY?    DIDN’T THINK SO

    7:39:34 a.m. – Vinnie from Queens. Rob, inexplicably, begins speaking Spanish.  We’re not sure, but we think he called the I-Man “El Viejo Maricon”.  Which, we believe means ‘Beloved Wise Leader’

    A ‘VIEJO MARICON’.  LOOKS LIKE HE’S A ‘VERY WISE MAN’ INDEED

    8:12:10 a.m. – Dagen has a story about the ‘Barefoot Running’ craze, and the shoes that the craze spawned, which seems to defeat the purpose, because if you’re wearing shoes, you’re not barefoot, but apparently, these shoes are like five toe socks, which are based on the Native American Tribe Tarahumara.  Imus had a hard time remembering the name of the tribe, but he did purchase a pair of the barefoot running shoes.  It won’t be long before the I-Man will be running through the city barefoot…and bare-assed, being chased by his Home Care Aide.

    “COME BACK ‘ERE, MR. IMUS…YOU BE NEEDING TO TAKE YOUR DAMN MEDICINE!

    ME NOT KIDDING YOU NOW!”

    8:32:14 a.m. – Jenna Lee is on, and we would be professing our love and admiration for her, if it weren’t for the fact that she’s married to Leif Babin, Navy Seal, and she’s about to be his ‘Baby Mama’. Jenna doesn’t know what she’s having, but we know two things:  1- The baby will be GORGEOUS and 2- The baby will be able to crush walnuts in its’ butt crack before it’s out of diapers.  And NO CRIB can ever hold a Babin Baby, it could only hope to contain it.

    “YO!  C’MON, MAN, THROW A FEW MORE PLATES ON THIS BITCH!”

    8:34:14 a.m. – The I-Man hesitates to tell Jenna that…it looks like she’s “Put on a little weight”.  Wow.  You can’t put anything over on him.  One thing about Imus.  He thinks everybody is fat.

    “JESUS, MAHATMA!  HAVE A SALAD!”

    8:54:14 a.m. – Bismarck has taken off the I-Man’s makeup in preparation for his leaving for Texas, and his not wishing to appear like a Finnochio in front of all the Cowboys at Joe Beavers.  Unfortunately, he decides to go back on camera…without the buffer of cosmetic aid.

    THAT BISMARCK IS NOTHING SHORT OF AN ARTIST

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    A TRIBUTE TO ALL OF YOU MOTHERS OUT THERE

    ON BEHALF ON ALL THE RESPECTIVE FRUITS

    OF ALL YOUR RESPECTIVE LOINS

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOLxQGLJouI