6:05:10 a.m. – “My hearing aids went out over the weekend. And it was one of the best weekends of my life, because I couldn’t hear those two crazy`people I live with bitchin’ at me.” Unfortunately, for Deirdre and Wyatt, their hearing is fine. So they had to listen to miles and miles of stories of him hanging off a Boxcar when he used to work for the railroad.
“WHAT? WHAT? ‘MORE A DOOR ON?’ WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?”
6:04:14 a.m. – Rob and the I-Man discuss fashion. “Is that a new shirt?” the Boss asks. “Yes.” “Why?” “Um…it’s flannel and it’s cold outside? It’s stylish? It’s slimming? Okay, it’s flannel and it’s cold outside?”
WOW. THAT FLANNEL REALLY IS SLIMMING. NO WONDER LESBIANS WEAR IT ALL THE TIME
6:14:08 a.m. – The I-Man has to have his stent removed. Where’s the stent? You don’t want to know. How are they doing to take it out? You don’t want to know that either. We’ll just tell you this: It involves ‘Big Roy’…and some brisk pulling. And not the kind of pulling ‘Big Roy’ is used to. Suffice to say, with the stint out, ‘Big Roy’ sounded much like a slide whistle.
‘BIG ROY’ PLAYS A SOLO
6:20:40 a.m. – Imus reveals that Brant and the Fox Security Guard walk him to the studio from the limo, and, in the rain, they use umbrellas…to cover themselves. Not him. Which is risky, especially when you consider what water did to the Wicked Witch of the West.
SAME FATE. SAME STUPID HAT.
6:40:44a.m. – Bo ‘The Truth’ Dietl, (As now this is how he wants to be known…we don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s also the nickname of a boxer, Carl, ‘The Truth’ Williams. Never heard of him? Exactly.) He is railing about Obamacare, full on, head exploding, pontificating, ranting and raving…which, now that he’s been satirized by Stephen Colbert…he will do every Monday in hopes that he becomes a regular feature on the Colbert Report. Where, he must believe, that he will eventually make guest appearances, where, no doubt, he will be reserved, respectful, and articulate. We also are thinking about Health Care, as we are concerned that Bo is about two more Obama references before one of his valves bursts through his chest like the thing in Alien. He waxes poetic, saying that ‘The Roosters have come home to Roost.’ Um…don’t you mean the ‘Chickens have come home to roost?’ You know, as articulated by Malcolm X? Or does your deal with Arby’s preclude you from mentioning ‘chicken’ due to a conflict of interest with ‘Popeye’s’.
SOMEBODY MUST’VE JUST SAID: ‘YOU CAN KEEP YOUR OWN DOCTOR’
7:03:10 a.m. – Imus tells us that Dagen takes her dog, Ramon, for a one hour walk, twice a day. Surely a dog that weighs only 13 pounds doesn’t have enough pee or poop to warrant TWO hours outside. Seems like a waste of time to us, no matter how sluggish his peristalsis might be, as seeing as how living on the 53rd Floor of her Apartment building, all Dagen has to do is hang him out the window on a leash. Oh…he’ll go. And quick.
RAMON: “PLEASE, MAMA, NOT OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN! I’LL REMEMBER TO PUT THE SEAT DOWN ON THE TOILET, I PROMISE!”
7:08:16 a.m. – Remarking that Joel Osteen’s message is ‘Never Give Up Your Dream’, the I-Man makes a reference to MyPillow inventor, Michael Lindell, who persisted and persevered, even when people told him his was crazy to think about selling a revolutionary concept in pillows. Um…Boss? We’re all about pursuing dreams, but…Michael Lindell was a Crackhead. They tend to be just a tad…obsessive. They don’t give up on ANYTHING. We saw a crackhead trying to sell Betamax tapes on the street the other day to get money to buy some rock. If that’s not a real ‘Go-Getter’, we don’t know what is. Other than the fact that you couldn’t trust him with the money, he could be a Captain of Industry.
DAVE CHAPPELLE AS ‘TYRONE BIGGUMS’. ANOTHER MAN WHO NEVER GAVE UP ON HIS DREAM
7:41:24 a.m. – MIGHT BE ELVIS In this edition, Bernie picked all the songs…which means Imus has given up all hope on the segment. The Falafel guy outside could probably pick 6 better tunes. The only one to get through is AC/DC’s ‘It’s a Long Way to the Top’ off their first album. Although, to be fair, we think Biz Markie should have also made it with…. “Oh baby youuuuuuu….you got what I need….but you say you got your friend…but you say you got your friend.” Because it’s the only pop song we know of that is about a woman abstaining from sex because she has her…what? It’s not about a period? The lyrics are … “But you say HE’S just a friend?” Oh. Never mind.
BIZ. SHE’S JUST A FRIEND. WITH ‘BENEFITS’. YOU KNOW, LIKE HEALTH CARE AND A 401 K.
8:06:32 a.m. – The Boss says that he “Drove about two hundred miles in Texas.” To which Connell adds: “Without being able to see, or hear.” I-Man reveals that he almost hit another woman’s truck, as she made a left turn in front of him from the right lane, causing Wyatt and Deirdre to claim that he nearly killed them. Which is ironic, because, most of the time, when Deirdre is driving, it’s when Imus is outside the car…crossing the street, and she ‘Nearly’ hits him…but doesn’t want to ruin the paintjob on the Rolls.
“SORRY, HONEY, I DIDN’T SEE YOU…AGAIN.”
8:06:12a.m. – “The I-Man giveth and the I-Man taketh away.” First the ‘Taketh’. Imus is not interested in things not working on the Net Jet, as on his most recent trip, the bathroom handle on the Citation 10 came off. Which meant that you could get into the toilet…but perhaps not get out. We find the whole situation odd, as the Boss doesn’t always get up TO go to the bathroom. We don’t know why he wouldn’t be able to get out…Deirdre and Wyatt were both with…oh. Never Mind.
“DAMMIT DEIRDRE…WYATT! OPEN THIS F#@KING DOOR!”
8:08:16a.m. – Now the ‘Giveth’. The I-Man gives props to Tommy Morrison, who is building the roping arena at the Ranch in Brenham. We are impressed by this work. We thought Tommy Morrison died shortly after making ‘Rocky 5’. Nice to know he had a career after boxing. And that he was the first to put Wheelchair access to a rodeo arena and oxygen breathing stations in the stands. What? Not THAT Tommy Morrison? Oh. Never mind.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? HE’S IN BRENHAM, TEXAS BUILDING QUALITY ROPING ARENAS
8:12:24 a.m. – Ashley Webster reports that a recent auction for Napoleon Bonaparte’s hat was purchased for 2.4 Million dollars by a Korean Businessman. Which means that it probably fit.
‘KOREAN BUSINESSMAN’ MR. LOO-PI-KA
8:38:00 a.m. – On to discuss Rob O’Neill’s speaking openly about his assassinating Osama Bin Laden, Leif Babin, our favorite SEAL, (Which, due to an agreement we made with Mr. Babin, we are contractually obligated to say) is conflicted. On one hand, he deeply respects keeping the Nation’s secrets…secret. Which is why he was upset with the Administration’s release of the details of the raid. However, he also recognizes the importance of giving closure to the families of 911. We think he’s being particularly cagey. It’s our position that it was Leif Babin who pulled the trigger. He took a ‘Long Weekend’ vacation the week of May 2nd, 2011, and he SAYS he went to Mohegan Sun. We’re not buying it. The fact that he claims he ‘Purchased the Dirty Turban in the Casino Gift Shop’ seems somewhat suspicious to us.
BIN LADEN ON KARAOKE NIGHT AT THE ABBOTTABAD HOLIDAY INN, JUST BEFORE GOING BACK TO THE COMPOUND TO ‘WATCH FRIENDS AND TURN IN EARLY’ ON MAY 2ND, 2011
VIDEO OF THE DAY
DAVE CHAPPELLE AS HIS ADORABLE CRACKHEAD CHARACTER, ‘TYRONE BIGGUMS’, IN THE CLASSIC SKETCH