6:05:00 a.m. – We begin the morning with the news that Warner’s absence yesterday was due to his being in Las Vegas to celebrate his wife’s birthday. Somehow, the picture of the Wolf-Man, in his Polyester Shirt/Shorts set, White Socks and Sandals, rocking the nickel slots…is a happy image. They went to see Elton John and Ventriloquist Terry Fator. LOVED Terry, HATED Elton. He was underwhelmed by the acoustics at the Elton concert, but most impressed that Fator’s ‘Lips don’t move’. Um…that would be the point, Warner. Warner says Fator’s funniest line…the puppet says: “If it wasn’t for me…you’d be talking to your hand.” Oh. Our sides.
“IS GOOD?” “IS GOOD.” “IS NICE?” “IS NICE.” “S’ARIGHT?” “S’ARIGHT.”
6:41:18 a.m. – K.T. McFarland is on, and finds a ‘Silver Lining’ in the wake of the Boston Marathon tragedy: At least it’s kept Kim Jong Un off the Front Pages. Apparently, the wacky little dictator’s looking for food anywhere he can get it. Including Mongolia. She doesn’t think he’s going to find much there. Hasn’t she heard about “Mongolian Barbecues”? The I-Man should take her to ‘Yummy Yummy’.
“UN? PARTY OF 24 MILLION? UN? PARTY OF 24 MILLION? IS EVERYBODY HERE? WE CAN’T SEAT YOU UNTIL YOUR PARTY IS COMPLETE
7:05:21 a.m. – CNN SUCKS. Imus responds to an online article by David Carr: “We Want CNN To Be Good”. Carr’s theory is, whenever there is a breaking news story, we immediately go to that Network to find out what’s going on? REALLY? When was the last time we did that? During the Carter administration? We don’t need CNN for ANYTHING. Especially because their handle on the news is about as sharp as Warner’s is on Vegas. “Did you know you can bet on ANY kind of sporting event out there?” an amazed Mr. Wolf asks the Boss. “Um…yes, Warner. And, apparently, you can get a really good deal on a shrimp cocktail at the buffet as well.”
APPARENTLY, THEY HAVE THESE THINGS CALLED ‘SLOT MACHINES’
7:18:44 a.m. – Bigfoot runs a video of Reese Witherspoon being uncuffed at the Police Station following her arrest in the DWI of her husband. The I-Man makes the observation that he has NEVER done the, ‘Do you know who I am?’ thing with a cop. Probably because, the ones he was drinking and doing drugs with…WERE cops.
“FINISH THAT JOINT AND DRAIN THOSE BEERS…ROLL CALL’S IN 5 MINUTES”
7:33:21 a.m. – Lou plays the iTunes version of John Prine’s ‘Speed of the Sound of Loneliness’, not the version he has been playing up to this point, which, as the I-Man so eloquently puts it… “Sucks.” This is the version the boss has on his iPod, and as it’s become one of his all time favorite songs, he noticed the subtle differences in instrumentation, recording EQ, sample rate, and mix. But yet, he can’t hear somebody across the desk from him screaming “CARLEY IS ALREADY OUT GETTING YOU YOUR EFFING COFFEE!”
“I’M JOHN PRINE” “WHAT?” “I’M JOHN PRINE!” “YOU’RE DOIN’ FINE?” “NO, I SAID I’M JOHN PRINE!” “YOU’RE ON FIRE?” “NO!” “WHAT’S YOUR NAME?” “DAVE EDMUNDS” “YOU KNOW, YOUR SONGS SOUND A LITTLE LIKE… JOHN PRINE’S”
7:40:17 a.m. – Bill Hemmer is on. It’s ‘Hemmer Time’. We’re a little disappointed that he didn’t wear the parachute pants.
“RING THE BELL…SCHOOL’S IN.”
8:05:23 a.m. – Imus calls Mike Sides, who is a ‘True Southern Gentleman’ and his new best friend at Wiesner GMC, in Huntsville, Texas. He asks Mike to take care of the mysterious ‘black spots’ on his Platinum Escalade. He wonders what Mike must think. We can tell him. “This Honky’s Nuts.”
NEXT TIME YOU’RE IN HUNTSVILLE, AND YOU’RE LOOKING FOR THE I-MAN, YOU MIGHT WANT TO CHECK UNDER THE BACK WHEELS OF THIS CADILLAC
8:17:51 a.m. – Warner goes into detail about his disappointment with the Elton John concert in Vegas. “The Acoustics were bad…you couldn’t understand the words…and the songs were TOO LONG!” That’s kind of like, “I hate the food at that restaurant…but at least the portions are big.” We’re still trying to process the information that Warner Wolf is actually…an Elton John fan. He thought there was too much production value. Too many band members. We assume he was looking for an ‘Elton John Unplugged’ experience. Even if he were alone with just an acoustic guitar…there WOULD have been plugs, Warner.
“NO REALLY, ELTON…IT LOOKS VERY NATURAL”
8:19:08 a.m. – Imus plays ‘Cherry Cherry’ and intros it by saying, “This is the only good song Neil Diamond every wrote.” We are very surprised. We were under the impression that Neil Diamond NEVER wrote a good song.
“NO, REALLY, NEIL…IT LOOKS VERY NATURAL.”
8:38:45 a.m. – Newsweek and National Journal Contributing Editor, Stuart Taylor Jr., is on to discuss the Boston Bombing Coverage. Too bad we didn’t have the F.B.I. profiler from yesterday, Mary Ellen O’Toole, in to discuss Stuart Taylor. This dude’s got some serious skeletons in his closet. It must look like the dumpster in the back alley of a Barbecue Rib joint.
IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE SITTING NEXT TO STUART TAYLOR JR. AT A RESTAURANT…AND HE ORDERS SOME ‘FAVA BEANS & A NICE CHIANTI’…GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!
9:03:23 a.m. – The I-Man shares a story about the Wy-Man, who, at 14, is, of course, VERY interested in girls. He also has, clearly, been watching too much Dagen McDowell. He discusses one girl in particular with his parents…and when they pose the possibility that perhaps he might consider asking her out, he replies… “Are you kidding me? I wouldn’t hit THAT with my CAR.”
HANDSOME KID…RODEO PRODIGY…OLD MAN IS A GAZILLIONAIRE…
C’MON GIRLS! WHAT ARE YOU WAITIN’ FOR?
(HOWEVER…HOSE BEASTS NEED NOT APPLY.)
9:18:42 a.m. – The Boss reads, yet another, effing ‘My Pillow’ spot. And, to his credit, he’s found another creative, unique way of selling the popular items. “I didn’t get to sleep at all last night…because I was sleeping on a pillow like Miranda Lambert’s butt!” Which, we assume, means “Lumpy…mooshy…and smells like Blake Shelton.” Imus suggests that you purchase a ‘My Pillow’, so you can “Sleep on something that’s like Deirdre Imus’ butt.” Which, we assume, means “Tight… firm…and bat$#!& crazy.”
THIS… NOT THIS
VIDEO OF THE DAY
Speaking of Ventriloquists who move their lips…
AN ULTRA-RARE CLIP OF A ‘RELATIVELY CLEAN’ OTTO & GEORGE
THE BEST PART IS…OTTO IS THE GUY’S NAME, GEORGE IS THE PUPPET