6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man wants to be brought up to speed on African Bands, as he is incredulous, as is most of the world, that, instead of Miriam Makeba, or Ladysmith Black Mambazo, two well respected African Musical Artists, CBS This Morning played Toto’s ‘Africa’ during their segment about the Mandela Funeral. At least it wasn’t Billy Joe Shaver.
CURRENTLY PLAYING THE LOUNGE IN HELL’S CASINO
6:06:12 a.m. – As if the Toto Infamia isn’t enough, it’s been announced that CBS Sports Network will be carrying the NFR from now on. Which means that the I-Man won’t be able to watch it when he’s in Texas. But seeing as how he’s already AT a %$#*ing Rodeo, it would appear to be a moot point. Maybe without being able to watch the Tie Down roping, he won’t be going on and on about it like Whittaker Chambers getting a Thimerosal laced vaccination while viewing the Eagles Documentary and listening to Van Morrison’s ‘Astral Weeks.
THE CALF IS LEAVING GAC AND JUMPING OVER TO CBS
6:11:22 a.m. – Warner reports that Johnny Mack Brown is not going to be re-signed by Texas. Imus wonders when the Caretaker of his Brenham Ranch was ever signed to Texas. Turns out that’s MAX Brown. Here’s how you keep them straight: Johnny Mack Brown works with a pigskin…Max Brown shovels Pig $#!&.
IT’S NOT THIS MACK BROWN EITHER
6:17:34 a.m. – Connell reports that the family of six that went missing in the Nevada mountains has been found. After their Jeep overturned in the wilderness, they braved the 21 below zero temperatures, for two days, by huddling together. Of course, their biggest problem was that they were driving a Jeep and NOT an Escalade. Because if they didn’t own such a CHUMP vehicle…they could’ve just hit the frigging ONSTAR Button.
LOSE THE ATTITUDE AND JUST CALL A TOW TRUCK, OKAY, SWEETHEART?
6:40:46 a.m. – Father Jonathan Morris is on for his annual holiday exorcism, except, this year, HE’S actually the one exorcised over Satan in the Morning’s antics. The exchange leaves the Padre with a crisis of Faith that he is only able to justify by the knowledge that Imus is the only human being in history who The Baby Jesus would NOT forgive.
“HOLY JESUS! UM…I MEAN…HOLY ME! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS A-HOLE…”
6:55:11 a.m. – The I-Man wonders how Starbucks can run out of those little green stirrer deals that they stick in the hole in the plastic lid to keep the coffee hot. He’s disturbed by this fact… he cannot fathom how they could not have enough of those to go around… “What if they ran out of coffee?” Ah, White People’s Problems.
THE REASON WHY THEY RUN OUT OF THESE THINGS IS BECAUSE THIS SELFISH MORON IS TAKING THEM FOUR AT A TIME
7:05:15 a.m. – The I-Man called it. The world went Bat Dooky crazy over Obama’s handshake with Raul Castro. He can’t believe people could be this stupid and petty. What was he supposed to do? Play the knockout game?
“SORRY, SEN~OR OBAMA…I JUST GOT OUT OF EL BAN~O AND THERE WAS NO PAPER TOWELS…”
7:07:14 a.m. – During the Mandela Funeral, there was apparently a fake sign language interpreter. “Um…Kwame…Dikembe is stuck in traffic, can you stall for a little bit?” The fact that he rolled his eyes and did the ‘J.O.’ gesture while President Obama was speaking should’ve been the first clue.
THE UNIVERSAL SIGN FOR ‘FULL OF $#@!’
7:19:38 a.m. – The I-Man is cold. The temperature in here is about that of the Tropic of Cancer, but the Boss is chilly. It’s like a terrarium in here, Cactus would attempt to fan themselves… but Gramps needs a lap blanket. Probably because Reptiles are cold-blooded.
“NAT!!!! TURN UP THE %$#ING HEAT!”
7:38:16 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde. Please, Baby Jesus. We realize we’ve asked for a lot this week, but we really need you to make it stop. Just wave your little, chubby, 8 lb. 7 oz. Baby Jesus hand and make them go away. In fact, we would actually sacrifice having to listen to the I-Man continue to incessantly talk about the effing rodeo as penance…if you would just find it in your heart to shut these two the hell up.
ALL WE WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, BABY JESUS, IS A ‘SILENT’ NIGHT
8:17:12 a.m. – “Jerry Jones” magically appears during Warner’s Sports report, and says the word ‘Titty’ about a million times. Fox Business is still waiting for the Delay to catch up. The program will now be another four hours longer.
JERRY DEMONSTRATES WHAT THE TITTY BAR PHYSICALLY DOES TO HIM
8:40:08 a.m. – Juan Williams is on to talk about the President’s visit to South Africa, and mentions that he told a friend he is on the Imus program ‘Once in a Blue Moon.’ “You’re in the POWER ROTATION!” the I-Man protests. Maybe Juan just doesn’t want his friend to know he’s on the program that frequently.
“NO…NO…I WASN’T ON WITH IMUS TODAY…MUST’VE BEEN A REPEAT…SERIOUSLY…IT MUST’VE BEEN THE LAST TIME I WAS ON…ABOUT THREE YEARS AGO…I KNOW I MENTIONED MANDELA’S FUNERAL…BUT UM…I WAS PREDICTING WHAT I THOUGHT MIGHT HAPPEN…”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
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