6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man wonders why our first guests are on the program. He says that Meghan pitches potential interviewees, and he says yes, and she books them, and he forgets. He remembers that Richard Hopple and Peter Giusti have a non-profit organization called USA CARES that provides funds to support Veterans in transition. Carley needs to help the Boss learn how to pronounce their names. It would seem easy: ‘Richard’ and ‘Peter’. Oh, you mean, the last names. “Hopple”…which rhymes with “Topple” and “Giusti” as in “No coffee, Just Tea.” Here’s another pronunciation for you… “Moe-Ron”
FROM THE BOOK TOM BROKAW’S “HOW TO PRONOUNCE ANYTHING EXCEPT THE LETTER L”
6:07:14 a.m. – Imus mentions that Judge Napolitano, who will be our 830 guest, has lost a ton of weight, but he liked him better when he was fat. Same goes for Huckabee. When he was thin, he was hungry all the time and that made him angry. Rob has found yet another reason not to go on a diet.
“I LOVE THE GUY ON THE RIGHT!”
6:14:28 a.m. – I-Man says that his hair this morning looks like “One of those dogs”. Like those Great Pyrenees they have out at the Ranch, no doubt.
THE I-MAN IN NEED OF A HAIRCUT…AND A SHAVE…AND A WORMING.
6:14:28 a.m. – The Boss says that he was ‘Pumping Iron’ in the gym at the Ranch. He was lifting those 8 and 10 Pound Dumbbells. We can tell…it’s really paying off. His pigeon chest is looking much more ‘Pheasant Like’ now. He keeps it up, he’ll look like an Oven Stuffer Roaster.
IT WON’T BE LONG BEFORE THE I-MAN WILL BE ABLE TO KICK…THAT GIRL’S ASS
6:22:44 a.m. – Bernie Briefing. A clip of an Air Traffic Controller having some acrimonious words with a pilot, who tells the guy in the Tower he didn’t like his attitude, after the guy in the Tower told him he was on the wrong runway. This guys’s job is basically, to keep planes from running in to one another, and, for some reason, the pilot found this to be irritating. The uncomfortable exchange ends with another pilot who overheard the verbal skirmish, with, “Settle Down, Captain Happy.” This scenario is strikingly familiar. Somebody irritated with our ‘attitude’, getting cranky, currently at 6000 feet, and we call him ‘Captain Happy’. Well, at least another word that starts with a ‘C’.
“DELTA FOUR SEVEN NINER…THIS IS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL. YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE A HARD LEFT RIGHT ABOUT NOW .”
“DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO…I’VE BEEN FLYING FOR 30 YEARS”
6:40:08 a.m. – The USA Cares people are on, explaining what their charity does, and it’s incredible. However, we can’t help but get fixated on Mr. Giusti’s Italian Porn Star Moustache.
MR. GIUSTI AT WORK ( L ) , AND AT PLAY ( R )
(HE LOVES TO BREAK BRICKS AND STOMP MUSHROOMS)
7:12:42 a.m. – Imus learns that the entire country of Israel is the size of New Jersey, and so proposes that they make Kansas the new Jewish State. Why not, they make a helluva brisket. Except for the fact that Kansians all think Jews have horns and tails.
THEY’RE ALREADY THERE!
7:32:34 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE Or what we like to call ‘Mexican Birthday Time’ because this is the part of the week when Deirdre beats on Lis like a Piñata.
THE BRAWLING BLONDES
7:41:24 a.m. – When asked about the 28 Lesbian Positions, Lis is surprised there are only 28. “I can give you 32.” We’ll be pulling up that image later on today. Deirdre says that she’s ‘Lived the 50 Shades of Grey’. Obviously. She’s seen the I-Man naked. We read into her statement, and suspect that she’s familiar with the SMBD lifestyle. The S&M we understand. She has to be a masochist to be married to a sadist. But the B&D? Makes us a little nervous. The I-Man ties her up…and then forgets where he left her.
FOR THE I-MAN…IT’S MORE ABOUT THE GAG
7:42:48 a.m. – We learn that Lis is still carrying on her ‘Phone Text’ relationship with the ‘Mystery Man’ Imus set her up with. Still texting after two weeks? We would have thought they’d have taken the relationship to the next level and actually SPOKEN on the phone. That’s not even FIRST base. That’s not even the ‘On Deck’ Circle. That’s still sitting in the parking lot waiting for the Clubhouse to open. But then again, Lis is a very prim and proper woman. She kept her copy of ’50 Shades of Grey’ in a brown paper bag, like a forty ounce, locked in the same nightstand as the other thing she has a ‘relationship’ with.
A PARTICULARLY ROMANTIC EXCHANGE BETWEEN LIS AND HER MYSTERY MAN
7:45:28 a.m. – The Stephen A. Smith comment is brought up again, and the Blondes both maintain that there’s NEVER a reason when a man should hit a woman. Of course, there are PLENTY OF REASONS to do it… he should just NEVER do it.
HE THREATENED IT, BUT HE NEVER ACTUALLY SENT ALICE ‘TO THE MOON…BANG, ZOOM!’
8:06:32 a.m. – I-Man reveals that Joe Beaver let on that the people at his ‘Roping’ didn’t especially care for the Boss’ Radio Playlist. Apparently, Hayes Carll’s ‘She Left Me For Jesus’ wasn’t a big hit with the God-Fearing, Christian Cowboy Crowd. Neither did Kinky Friedman’s ‘They Ain’t Making Jews Like Jesus Any More’. Or for that matter, NWA’s “F**k the Police”
THE ANGRY MOB OUTSIDE OF JOE BEAVER’S HORSE TRAILER
8:22:14 a.m. – Bernie reads a transcript of the statement made former Buffalo Bills receiver and recent Football Hall of Fame Inductee, Andre Reed, about I-Fave, Johnny Manziel. He says that “’Johnny Football’ should be called ‘Johnny Rookie Bitch’” Get THIS guy on the Pre-Game Show!
REED NEEDS TO ‘CHILL OUT’ BECAUSE JOHNNY IS LEBRON’S ‘FOOTBALL BITCH’
8:40:14 a.m. – Judge Napolitano is on, and the I-Man wonders why ‘Tony Gavels’ doesn’t let his hair go grey. He’s got a problem with the ‘Dye Job’ that the Judge has opted for, which involves the use of ‘Shinola’. From which the Judge CAN tell the difference between that and…you know…
OBVIOUSLY, THE JUDGE IS DYING HIS HAIR
8:44:14 a.m. – The Judge says how excited he was to finally meet Bernie. The I-Man then effusively extolls Bernard’s myriad talents. His intelligence, his sense of humor, his literary prowess as a magnificent writer, which, the Judge takes to mean that he writes everything Imus says. “Is he writing what you’re saying now?” “No, Judge…some moron wrote that.” We wonder which one of us he’s referring to.
HIS HONOR IN THE MORNING BEFORE HE GETS ALL ‘COIFFED UP’
VIDEO OF THE DAY
A Collection of Classic, Text Message, Autocorrect ‘Fails’
Courtesy of Damnyouautocorrect.com
(You’ll have to do some reading, but it’s worth it)