Member Nav

The Mensa Meeting 

The Imus Ranch

Wyatt Wins!

Support The Deirdre Imus Environmental Health Center

We are and always have been committed to protecting the most innocent among  us and preserving a healthy future for us all.  Join us and make a tax-deductable donation today.  As a thank you for your minimum donation of $25, we'll send you a signed copy of The New York Times bestseller, The Imus Ranch Cooking for Kids and Cowboys... Click Here

 

Follow Us On

  
Recent Guests:
    Tuesday
    Apr012014

    A Special Day!

    6:00:10 a.m. –  We begin the program with news that instead of ‘Hollywood & Vine’, we will be having an extra edition of ‘Blonde on Blonde’.   APRIL FOOLS!   Lis will find that out in a little while when she realizes that she was called at 4 A.M. this morning by an ‘Imus Impersonator’ demanding that she appear “At the studio in 20 minutes!”  Sorry Lis.  It’s mean, we know…but…hilarious nonetheless.

    OBVIOUSLY, LIS IS NOT A ‘MORNING PERSON’

    6:05:12 a.m. – The I-Man starts the show by pointing out that the Mets have promised to ‘Win 90 Games’, and their promise is still good.  They still have 90 games to win, because they didn’t yesterday.  Blew the game with two outs in the 9th inning.  Not a good way to start the season, but Nat, ever the optimist, won’t start power drinking until the All Star Break.  It’s not that the Mets suck…it’s just that now, their ‘Magic Number’ is 161.  Everybody sing!  “Meet the Mets!  Greet the Mets!  Come on out and BEAT the Mets!”  

    NAT, ON LEFT, STILL ‘LIVING IN HOPE’

    6:15:01 a.m. – Speaking of Nat, who is not here with us today, the I-Man is not happy with his replacement, Nick.  Apparently, Nick is not doing a good job keeping the wire slack enough on the ear monitors, or in controlling the temperature in the studio.  The I-Man is freezing.  Despite the fact that, according to Dagen, he is sitting in his own, personal, ‘Ring of Fire’.  He maintains he’s still cold, however…which does make SOME sense.  The Devil would be cold in a vat of molten iron.

    “IS IT COLD IN HERE?  OR IS IT JUST ME?”

    6:38:01 a.m. – On the radio, they play a spot for ‘1-855-Kids 4 Cars’, encouraging you to donate your Kid in exchange for a new set of wheels…because “Kids are worth a lot more than you think.”  Oh, we get it.  April Fools!  Ha.  Ha.  If only.  We could use the Tax Deduction.  “Sorry, Junior…you’re going to live at the dealership now.”

    THESE FIVE SHOULD BE GOOD FOR AT LEAST A TRADE IN ON A NEW CHEVY

    6:43:46 a.m. – National Security Expert, K.T. McFarland, is on to discuss the Ukraine, the shooting between North and South Korea, and Kim Jong Un’s hairdo, which, it appears, she is trying to comply with.

    IT’S A ‘FUN’ ‘DO, THAT YOU’LL BE ABLE TO STYLE YOURSELF AFTER YOU LEAVE THE SALON

    7:05:10 a.m. – Neil Cavuto emails the I-Man to tell him not to be so quick to buy into Michael Lewis’ ‘Flash Boys’ theory about traders that use extremely high speed internet to beat other traders to the punch.  Naturally, Imus uses this as an opportunity to accuse Cavuto of being a ‘Shill’,  a ‘Toady’ and ‘In The Pocket’ of the Wall Street Investment Bankers.  That allegation couldn’t be any more false.  There’s no way Cavuto is fitting into ANYBODY’S pocket.

    NEIL AFTER HIS WORKOUT

    7:17:34 a.m. – The I-Man complains that the spot they’ve given him for our new sponsor, ‘Borro.com’, is 2 and ½ Minutes long.  There’s no way he can do it in 60 seconds.  He then spends 5 minutes talking about it.  We are left with the following information:  Borro.com isn’t like the Mob, they’re not going to send somebody to your house to break your legs.  At 36% a year, they’ll meet you at work to break your legs.  These guys don’t play.  They are serious about their money…they didn’t even bother to buy the ‘W’ for their domain name.  Probably because it’s a no ‘Win’ situation.

     “AY!  HOW MUCH YOU WANNA…BORRO?”

    7:36:34 a.m. – Hollywood and Vine, featuring the triumphant return of Michael Riedel, who was away skiing last weekend.  They ruminate over Gwynneth Paltrow’s ‘Conscious Uncoupling’ phrase.  Dagen says she “Couldn’t hate that woman any more.”  She has no sympathy for Gwynnie and makes the following observation:  “I have no sympathy for you, being a rich twig born into privilege and wealth.”  Um…we assume she’s still talking about Gwynneth and not Imogen.  She was rather brutal with our little British friend last week.  Such is Dagen’s hatred for Paltrow, she watches ‘Contagion’ because Gwynnie is only in it for 10 minutes and she dies a horrible death…

    IF YOU DON’T MIND, WE WILL ‘CONSCIOUSLY UNCOUPLE’ FROM YOU, NOW

    7:44:34 a.m. – The 47 year old Riedel says he just got back from Barbados and looks like George Hamilton.  Imus says he looks like he’s 61 years old.  Riedel counters by comparing the I-Man’s appearance to that of Carol Channing. Hurtful.

    WE DON’T SEE THE RESEMBLANCE AT ALL.  SHE’S NOT EVEN WEARING A COWBOY HAT

    8:09:10 a.m. – The I-Man talks about this ‘Flash Boys’ book again.  We have the sinking feeling that this is going to be another Whitaker Chambers/Astral Weeks/Thimerosal/Where’s the Plane?-Style Obsession.  He’s also talking about ‘A Million Ways to Die in the West’, Seth McFarlane’s revisiting of the Old West a’ la Mel Brooks.  There’s a movie by the same name coming out in May with the same title.  We’d say that McFarlane would have quite a plagiarism case on his hands…but it turns out the book is just a novelization of his own movie.  We wonder why the ‘Family Guy’ novel was never published…

    THE ‘FAMILY GUY’ BOOK…IT’S REALLY MORE OF A NOVELLA

    8:17:24 a.m. – The I-Man speaks about his method of discovering talent.  Apparently, it comes from talking to people.  So if you’d like to be a radio and TV star, go up to the I-Man whenever you see him in public, and talk to him.  Make sure you do all your ‘Impressions’ and ‘Voices’ and share your hidden talents, like…you play guitar in your garage with your friends…and tell him how everybody at work thinks you’re ‘A Scream’.

    IF YOU CAN’T GET TO THE I-MAN IN PERSON, CALL HIM UP AND AUDITION

    8:40:14 a.m. – Juan Williams is on, justifying his Musical Mt. Rushmore, which includes Marvin Gaye, Sam Cooke, Karen Carpenter and Frank Sinatra.  Mr. Williams maintains that Gaye and Cooke are valid choices, if only for the reason that both were shot to death…Marvin by his Dad,  Sam by a Hooker.  Karen Carpenter wasn’t shot because she was so thin, you couldn’t get a bead on her…and, of course, Frank Sinatra…who could have had them ALL shot.   Except for Karen Carpenter because… ‘She never gets hungry for dinner at eight…in fact, she never gets hungry.  That’s why the lady…is a corpse!”

    “HEY, SWEETHEART…WANNA GO FOR SOME RIBS…UM…SORRY.”

    9:15:30 a.m. – “The I-Man knows what’s goin’ on…because he’s out there with the people…he’s at the IHOP…he’s at the Best Western in Huntsville, he’s going to El Chico saying “MAKE me that Taco Salad, baby!”   How did you get there, boss?  On the Private Jet?  Did you FLY OVER ‘The People’?  That’s right. We just ‘Lis Wiehl’-ed your ass.

    LOOK REALLLLL CLOSE.  YOU’LL SEE THE I-MAN IN LINE WITH ‘THE PEOPLE’, WAITING TO GO THROUGH SECURITY AT NEWARK AIRPORT

    9:17:14 a.m. – Warner reports that “The Mets have signed Bobby Abreu…because Ed Kranepool wasn’t available.  Abreu is very excited about the potential of playing in New York…because there are so many ‘Papaya Dog’ locations in the area.

    ABREU IS ECSTATIC WITH HIS NEW HOME IN NEW YORK

    VIDEO OF THE DAY   

    WE CANNOT WAIT.

    “A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST”…THE MOTION PICTURE

    BASED ON THE NOVEL THAT WAS BASED ON THE SCREENPLAY

    OPENS MAY 30TH

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fn-surV5Nro

    Monday
    Mar312014

    Green Loaves and Fishes

    6:05:10 a.m. – As the new morning and new week begin, and the month draws to a close, we find Warner reviewing the new ‘Noah’ movie.  Apparently, Mr. Wolf takes umbrage at the Creative License taken with the Biblical story by director Darren Aronofsky, probably because Warner actually witnessed the events firsthand.  In fact, to this day, when Dr. Bill’s forecast calls for rain, Warner gets a hammer and heads for Chelsea Piers.  

    WARNAH WOLF: CRUISE DIRECTOR ON ‘THE ARK’

    6:06:12 a.m. – The I-Man asks Warner if he watched any of the NCAA games over the weekend.  “Only the last two minutes.” He replies.   That’s okay, Warner is able to accomplish a LOT in two minutes.  Just ask Mrs. Wolf.

    “59 SECONDS, DEAR!  YOU BROKE YOUR RECORD!”

    6:17:01 a.m. – The I-Man looks at O’Reilly’s ‘Kids Jesus’ book, and notices that the ‘Note to Readers’ is dated April, 2014.  That explains it. We’ve long suspected Bill O’Reilly of being a Time Traveller.  No wonder ‘The Factor’ has all the inside scoop on Jesus, Lincoln and Kennedy.  As quiet as he’s kept, we believe he’s just come back from the future, where he put in motion the events that he will be recounting in ‘Killing Imus’.

    WE ACTUALLY FOUND A GRAPHIC OF JESUS IN A COWBOY HAT ON THE INTERNET  

    6:24:48 a.m. – Warner promos what he considers to be one of the finest match points he’s ever seen in a Tennis Match, and calls for the Raphael Nadal clip.  Unfortunately, Bigfoot isn’t here, and the control room does not have the clip.  Jessica is running the show today, her first day, replacing Joel, who usually replaces Bowman, but…escaped last week.  What we have is a He Said/She Said between Gunz and Jessica, in which, he maintains he gave the clip request to her, and she insists he did not.  It isn’t the first time Gunz claims to have ‘Given it’ to a woman, and it not being true.

    “I HIT THAT”

     REALLY, GUNZ?  YOU COULDN’T ‘HIT THAT’ WITH A BASEBALL BAT.

    6:41:46 a.m. – It’s ‘Bo Monday’, and Bo is allowed to put his settings on ‘Full On Rant Mode’ WITHOUT interruption.  He rails about something…we’re not sure what, all we know is the President’s name was invoked…something about Security, and the ‘G7’…we’re pretty sure it has nothing to do with a Bingo Game.  He comes back to the Green Room, red-faced, and out of breath.  It’s kind of like how Imus is after he comes back from the bathroom.  Except Bo will catch his breath in the next 15 minutes or so.

    BO-MBAST!

    7:05:10 a.m. – Dagen went to see “Raisin in the Sun” with Imogen Lloyd Weber, and remarkably, did not wait by the Stage Door to try and ‘Hit’ Denzel Washington.  Not ‘hit’ as in ‘strike’ you understand, ‘hit’ as in ‘sexually assault’.  Imogen, apparently, was able to distract Dagen with a can of spray cheese and an RC Cola.  Quick thinking by Ms. Lloyd Weber, as she would have clearly lost her press credentials.   We don’t know why she would go to see ‘A Raisin in the Sun’, all she needs to do is wait until the sun comes up on 47th Street, and shines through the studio window on the I-Man.

    IF HE WORE HIS COWBOY HAT, HE WOULDN’T NEED THE SHADES

    7:17:34 a.m. – Dagen explains the 60 Minutes story about the Stock Market…something about the use of the Fiber Optic Network to raise the price of stocks with computers.  Bottom line?  Wall Street is rigged.  You mean the Hedge Fund Billionaires have found a way to screw people so they can make more money?  Did ANYBODY see the Leonardo DiCaprio movie?

    “SEE THIS?  WATCH ME MAKE IT DISAPPEAR”

    7:35:34 a.m. – “It Might Be Elvis” is coming up.  According to the I-Man, Trevor’s song choice actually could be put in the ‘Power Rotation’ on the program.  So we assume it’s a Delbert Song, a Hayes Carll Song, or a Kinky Song.  Turns out it’s a group called ‘Ha Ha Tonka’.  Ohhhhkay.  Tony has a dude named Will Downing, who sounds like he has ‘Down’s Syndrome’ doing a cover of Hall n’ Oates ‘She’s Gone’.  Now we know why she left.  Will, obviously is one of those guys on Broadway and 47th Street who hand out homemade CDs looking for a donation.

    LOU RAWLS IS TURNING OVER IN HIS GRAVE

    7:54:10 a.m. – The Boss says that the consensus among the staff is that ‘It Might Be Elvis’  ‘Might Be Over’.  Which is a shame, because the ‘Rate a Record’ segment on ‘American Bandstand’ used to be so great.  But, we guess I-Man comes off as Dick Clark…the way Dick was the last few years before the end…with a touch more drool and no Ryan Seacrest.  The real reason for the cancelling of the segment is that the I-Man believed that the staff looked mortified, bored and depressed.  Which is kind of the way they look when he talks about the Rodeo.  Maybe the segment should be ‘It Might Be Fred Whitfield.’

    ‘SHE’S GONE’ ALRIGHT.

    8:10:24 a.m. – Connell reads a report about North and South Korea firing shots at each other.  Bernie suggests that South Korea invade the Porn Addicted Dictator’s country and the I-Man is all for it until Connell wonders aloud whether we should be wishing for another Korean War.  What a Killjoy, Connell is.  Death, destruction, refugees…ruining our image of Kim Jung Un, hogtied on a spit with an apple in his mouth…although it will be hard to find an apple in North Korea.

    “MMMM THIS IS BETTER THAN DOG!”

    8:37:14 a.m. – Bill O’Reilly is on with his children’s version of ‘Killing Jesus’.  It’s called ‘The Last Days of Jesus’ and it’s illustrated.  Which, we thought was a great idea until we saw one of the illustrations from the book of the Roman Soldiers.

    UM…DID JOSEPH ABBOUD HELP WRITE THIS BOOK? THOSE ROMAN CENTURIONS LOOK A LITTLE ‘FABULOUS’ TO US

    8:38:12 a.m. – We search the internet to see if there are other children’s Jesus books, and are shocked to discover that Dr. Seuss wrote one, titled “Green Loaves and Fishes”

    I am Jesus, Christ I am, I grew up in Betheleham

    My Daddy’s God, of this I’m sure, I heal the lepers, feed the poor

    One Fish, Two Fish, Three Fish, Four, I can make a thousand more

    You want Wine?  If you think you oughta, just bring me a jug of water

    Pontius Pilate thinks he’s boss, wants to put me on a cross

    By my friends I was betrayed, Judas Iscariot, he got paid

    But he’ll get his, and that’s a fact, Cos’ in Three days, I will be back.

    Like Arnold in the Terminator,  Cos’ my Father’s the Creator

    If you follow me, you cannot lose, so I guess that’s bad luck for the Jews

    8:39:14 a.m. –  O’Reilly is on the phone rather than come into the studio because his shoulder hurts.  The I-Man’s shoulder hurts every day…he can’t breathe…he has Cancer…and yet, he’s still here, live, in the studio, every day.  Bill is, obviously, a pussy.  If his shoulder was REALLY hurting, he should’ve just gone into his time machine…and either travelled forward and found some Star Trek Doctor to cure him, or gone backwards to avoid doing whatever he did to hurt himself in the first place. 

    BILL IN HIS TIME MACHINE GOING BACK TO STOP THE LINCOLN ASSASSINATION SO THAT WAY HIS PICTURE WILL BE ON THE FIVE DOLLAR ‘BILL’

    8:43:12 A.M. – Bill reveals that he began, right out of college as a High School teacher…who, we assume, got fired for having sex with a student.   No, really…Bill wanted to be ‘Mr. Kotter’ and so he took a job in Opa-locka Florida, which, according to Mr. O’Reilly, is ‘The Hood’.  They may WEAR hoods down there, but that close to Miami, we doubt that it was all that bad a location.    We always thought of Mr. Kotter as…well, Jewish.  Why Bill, a devout Catholic, would want to emulate a Jewish Man, we don’t know…then again, we’re pretty sure Jesus is high on his Hero List.

    UP YOUR NOSE WITH A RUBBER HOSE

    VIDEO OF THE DAY: 

    For those of you who just couldn’t get enough Will Downing, and want a little more of his musical genius in your life, here he is with

    “A Million Ways”

    (Mmm hmm hmm hmm…This One’s For The Fellas)

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVkaUPjyng4 

    Friday
    Mar282014

    Walk the Walk

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The Boss starts the day off with controversy about what really happened between President Obama and Pope Francis.  Apparently, according to Fox n’ Fiends, there are two different accounts of their meeting. President Obama says the Pontiff believes that God is the hand behind Dayton’s NCAA run.  The Holy Father says he said if God had anything to do with March Madness, Notre Dame would’ve won the whole thing by now.

    APPARENTLY, PAPA FRANKIE GOT SOME MAD HOPS, BECAUSE HE TOOK THE PRESIDENT ‘TO THE HOLE’ (AND NOT THE WAY THE BISHOPS DO)

    6:11:12 a.m. –   The Staff is complaining that they can’t open the I-Man’s email attachments.  The files he’s including with the topics for ‘Mensa’ and ‘Vinnie From Queens’ aren’t being read by the panelists, and so they’ve been ‘Faking It’…which, by the way, is something the Boss is VERY familiar with.

    A LIST OF SOME OF THE ATTACHMENTS FROM THE I-MAN’S EMAIL ‘OUT’ BOX

    6:23:01 a.m. –  Esther Newberg surprised the I-Man at last night’s dinner.  According to the Boss, she wasn’t drunk…and only sipped about half a glass of wine.  Apparently, she’s moved on to Heroin.

    ‘LOBSTER’ NEWBERG TIES OFF PRIOR TO DINNER WITH THE I-MAN

    6:40:46 a.m. – Gordon Chang is on, and, apparently, nobody knows why.  Not the I-Man, not Bernie, not even Mr. Chang himself.  Gordon doesn’t seem to know a lot, judging by his Musical Mt. Rushmore…which includes Steppenwolf, The Birds, The Beach Boys and Jefferson Airplane.  He obviously thinks he’s still sitting on a speaker at Woodstock.  Wish we could get a contact high off of whatever he’s been burning.   Imus finally remembers, it’s Kim Jong Un who Mr. Chang is going to be discussing…and the North Koreans launching two medium range missiles, and the edict that everyone must wear his hairstyle.  Kim’s that is, not Gordon’s. 

    “WHERE’S THE PORN?  MEGHAN, GET DENNIS RODMAN ON THE PHONE!”

    7:05:10 a.m. –  Somehow, Bigfoot brings up the topic of ‘Hallak Cleaners’.  We’re not sure of the context, but we just can’t believe he uttered the words.   It gets the I-Man going about how much they charge for the shirts…and there’s never enough starch…Jesus!  It’s like that old ‘Niagara Falls’ Vaudeville routine…   

     

    7:17:34 a.m. –  Deirdre was on Neil Cavuto last night…and she was in rare form, railing about fat people who should just go ahead and start wearing Muu Muus, mockingly impersonating fat people saying “Oh I don’t need to wear pants.” Which is ironic, because, it’s clear she does in the Imus household.  Mr. Cavuto, on the other hand, does not.  Pant-ies, maybe.  But definitely not pants.

    “WHICH IS JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT, NEIL!”  RICHARD SIMMONS ON NEIL’S ‘PANTSLESS’ LOOK

    7:37:34 a.m. –  ‘Vinnie From Queens’.  Nat accuses Tony of ‘Stealing His Look.’  We don’t mean Tony actually broke into Nat’s house and decided to wear a XXL Mets Jersey, but, as they say in ‘The Hood’, Mr. Candido believes Mr. Powell is ‘Biting His Style’.   We don’t know what Nat’s talking about. Tony is merely sporting a Baseball Cap, in celebration of his Alma Mater going to the Sweet Sixteen in the NCAA Tournament. 

    TONY ACTUALLY STOLE ‘RUSSELL SIMMONS’ LOOK’

    8:03:10 a.m. – The Boss relates that he and Wyatt were having a discussion about the phrase “Walk the Walk”.  Wyatt insists that it’s “Walk the Talk”.  I-Man asks Warner who says, “It should be ‘Walk the Talk’.”   Warner originally thought it should be ‘Tippecanoe and Tyler Too’.

    WARNER ‘WALKING THE WALKER’

    8:17:24 a.m. – There’s a mention of Chris Christie being interviewed by Diane Sawyer, which prompts a discussion between Bernie and Dagen:  “Hot?  Or Not?”  Dagen thinks that Chris Christie should’ve been shot with the same Camera Lens as Diane, as she was blurry with all the soft focus they were using.   The Governor would probably look 80 pounds lighter. 

    DIANE SAWYER.  THAT GIRL STILL LOOKS PRETTY ‘FLY’

    8:26:14 a.m. – Arthur Aidala is missing.  Bigfoot calls the number he has for him, and a woman answers.  Her relationship to Mr. Aidala is unclear, however, she informs Bowman that Arthur isn’t here… ‘Right now’.  Which means he was there…but, as most guests, when the Caller ID indicates that it’s the Imus Program that is calling…they tend to go ‘A.W.O.L.’

    IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION, CALL 1-800-LAWYER

    8:40:14 a.m. – Oh, wow!  A BONUS edition of ‘Vinnie From Queens!’  What an embarrassment of riches!  How come this never happens on Wednesdays?  Probably because TWO Blonde on Blondes would be way too much ‘Awesome’ for one program to contain.  That, and the suicide rate among the listeners and viewers would knock Sweden back to 2nd Place.  They begin the extra segment with a replay of the Russell Crowe rendition of ‘Folsom Prison Blues’ from Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show last night.  If you ever wanted to shoot a man…just to watch him die…you had your chance last night.  Although replaying it this morning could have had the same effect on the audience as two Blonde on Blondes would. 

    CHRISTOPHER WALKEN, OBVIOUSLY, HAS WORKED WITH RUSSELL CROWE

    VIDEO OF THE DAY :

    THE ORIGINAL ‘NIAGARA FALLS’ ROUTINE

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nr6VBg1SiYI

    Thursday
    Mar272014

    The Imus Bob

    6:05:10 a.m. –   Right out of the box, the I-Man asks Warner about the Northwestern University situation.  Apparently, the Chicago chapter of the National Labor Relations Board decided that the Wildcats players can Unionize.  The Boss wants to know if it’s a Sports story or a Business story.  Let’s see…it’s College football and it’s about a new Athletic Union, joining the ranks of the NFL, MLB and NBA unions.  Although it’s not the elevator operators’ Local 32B, despite Dagen’s assertion that it has the potential to impact on all college sports…it’s kind of like the ‘Certs’ of news stories.  It’s breath mint AND a candy mint.  It’s both.  You know, Warner, like a Tranny.

    THERE’S A DIFFERENT KIND OF FOOTBALL UNION GOING ON IN THIS LOCKER ROOM                 AND WE HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE THAT CHEERLEADER MAY HAVE SOME EXTRA POM POMS UNDER HER SKIRT

    6:11:12 a.m. –   The conversation turns to Lil’ Wayne and his Tattoos, after a brief primer on Chris Bosch’s wife being responsible for Lil’ Wayne’s Miami Heat tickets being taken away…which, somehow, came out of the simple question: “Who won the games last night, Warner?”  Apparently, Dagen LOVES a man with Tattoos.  Even those homemade in a cell in a Turkish Prison.  “Give me a guy with a needle and some ball point pen ink and I’m good to go.”   Like the ones over a guy’s crotch that says:  “Warning: Objects are bigger than they appear.”

     SOMETIMES, A MAN NEEDS TO CORRECT A MISTAKE CAUSED BY A 12 PACK IN VEGAS

    6:23:01 a.m. –  Kim Jong Un is requiring all college students to have the same hairstyle as he wears.  This is a dangerous precedent, as the dictator of the Imus in the Morning Program could pass the same edict.  That would be a very scary situation indeed.

    THE STAFF ALL SPORT THE ‘IMUS BOB’

    6:40:46 a.m. – Laura Ingraham is on, and reveals that she HATES guys with Tattoos.  This is somewhat of a surprise, as she spent all that time in prison, after flooding an ex-boyfriend’s apartment with a garden hose through his bedroom window. As the proud Mom of adopted Russian children, Laura still holds a grudge against Putin for his brutal adoption policies.  If we were Vladimir, we’d invest some of that oil money in a ‘Shop Vac’.

    “HEY…DOLPHINS…HOW YOU GET IN?  THROUGH FRONT DOOR?”

    7:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man mentions that he and the Family Imus are supposed to have dinner with Esther ‘Lobster’ Newberg, despite the fact that the Sweet 16 games of the NCAA basketball tournament will begin again tonight.  He has downloaded an App which will allow him to watch the games on his iPad.  Normally, someone watching basketball during dinner in a restaurant would be considered rude, however, anyone dining with the I-Man will have begun drinking hours before, so it’s not even noticed.

    “LOBSTER” THE LAST TIME SHE WENT OUT TO EAT WITH THE I-MAN

    SHE GETS EXTRA HUNGRY WHEN SHE DRINKS…

    7:17:34 a.m. –   The Boss actually watches a recap of last Sunday’s Kentucky/Wichita State game…WHILE THE PROGRAM IS GOING ON.  He says he wants to make sure that the battery is charged for tonight’s breadbreaking with Lobster, although he believes Esther would “Probably have batteries”.  He couldn’t be more wrong.  She uses a Pull-Start Kerosene Powered Vibrator.

    AND THIS IS THE ‘POCKET VERSION’

    7:46:34 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting.  The I-Man has a number of interesting topics for his ‘Trainables’ this morning, although we’re not sure he will be able to get to all of them, as he has to speak REALLLLLLY slowly for Gunz.  He asks the panel if it’s okay for a parent to get a restraining order against a kid who is bullying their nine year old child.  Deirdre says ‘Yes’, having some experience with restraining orders herself…her first being issued on her wedding night.

    1. The Defendant is prohibited from touching, kissing and/or even looking at the plaintiff. 
    2. The Defendant is prohibited from knowingly approaching the bedroom of the plaintiff.
    3. The Defendant is prohibited from being within a 5 foot radius of plaintiff.
    4. The Defendant is prohibited from even thinking about the plaintiff in a sexual manner, for purpose of fantasy, arousal or in other context than that of obeying what plaintiff commands defendant to do in terms of maintaining an organic, vegan diet.

    8:05:10 a.m. – The Boss discusses a new sponsor, Borro.com, which will give you a loan if you provide an item for collateral.  Hmmm.  Where have we heard this before?

    “WE’LL TAKE THAT GUITAR OFF YOUR HANDS…FOR 3.38 % ON THE VIG”

    8:17:24 a.m. – Dagen reports that, beginning today, Taco Bell will serve breakfast.  Let us repeat that.  Taco Bell will now serve BREAKFAST!  The shining star of their new A.M. menu is called ‘The Waffle Taco’: A Waffle wrapped around sausage, wrapped around scrambled eggs with a drizzle of syrup.  And some people say there is no God.  Deirdre, as you are reading this, we advise you to take a few deep breaths, have a Kale Smoothie and put an icepack on the back of your neck because it will help the swelling from the top of your head exploding.

    HE MAKES A RUN FOR THE BORDER…THEN RUNS FOR THE BATHROOM… ‘RUNS’ BEING THE OPERATIVE WORD

    8:22:14 a.m. – Connell tells Imus about a viral video, in which a little Irish boy has his tooth pulled with the use of a helicopter.  Imus chastises Connell for not explaining that it’s a string attached to a TOY helicopter.   We recognize we have a lot of ‘Mouthbreathers’ and ‘Hockey Helmet Wearers’ in our audience, but even THEY didn’t think it was an Apache AH-64.

    SURE HOPE THEY GAVE THAT KID SOME NOVACAINE…

    8:26:14 a.m. – The Boss plays some Billy Joel, who, coincidentally, resides on our next guest, Seth Davis’, ‘Musical Mt. Rushmore’.  Not a bad choice, IOHO, as well as his second place holder, Bruce Springsteen. Unfortunately, his other two choices, Yes, and The Radiators indicate that he has about as much taste in music as his father, Lanny, had in Presidents.

    THE RADIATORS.  THEY WILL MAKE YOU WANT TO BURN YOUR EARS ON A HOT ONE

    8:28:14 a.m. – Trevor Watrous, our On-Set Audio Engineer, and panelist on ‘It Might Be Elvis’, has the world’s most unenviable job, next to the guy at the circus following the elephants with a bucket, and the guy with the mop at the Peep show.  He has been charged with the task of De-Waxing Imus’ Ear Monitors.  We think we speak for everyone when we say, EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

     EVEN SHREK DIDN’T HAVE AS MUCH GUNK IN HIS EARS

    8:45:09 A.M. – Seth Davis is on, and the I-Man wants to know why anyone would think either Seth, or his on-air compadre, Jay Bilas,  know any more about college basketball than the average fan.  Let’s just say Seth knows more about College Hoops than Billy Joe Shaver knows about making shadow puppets.

    A DOG

    8:58:13 A.M. – A video clip from a little while ago is aired, in which, the I-Man is sporting his best ‘Bea Arthur’.  We’re sure glad he’s not making us all wear THAT hairstyle.

    YOU JUST DON’T SEE SOMETHING LIKE THAT OUTSIDE OF MOSCOW BEAUTY PARLOR

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    ON THE SUBJECT OF TATTOOS…

    HERE’S A COMPILATION OF SOME EPIC FAILURES

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cmCaYxjfgo

    Wednesday
    Mar262014

    Sing it Sister!

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man begins the morning by discussing Geno Smith sending cell phone pictures of his Weiner to some chick he was hitting on.  Imus is impressed that there was no tearful ‘Mea Culpa’, no lame excuses, just… “Yeah, I took a photo of my junk and sent it to a babe.  Now what?”

    “IF YOU DIDN’T SEE IT ON THE INTERNET, IT’S ABOUT THE SIZE OF THREE OF THESE”

    6:23:01 a.m. –  Imus bit the inside of his mouth.  It’s painful.  We empathize.  We do it all the time biting our lips when the I-Man asks us how his hair looks. 

    “NO, REALLY, BOSS, IT’S PERFECT…LOOKS LIKE YOU JUST FINISHED BOBBING FOR CIGARETTE BUTTS IN THE TOILET.”

    6:40:46 a.m. – Combat Veteran and former Navy Seal Officer Leif Babin is on.  He has a REALLY AWFUL Musical Mt. Rushmore: George Strait, Marty Robbins, 3 Doors Down and…Tool.  Uh….huh.   It reads like a playlist off ‘Joe Dirt’s’ i-Pod.  From ‘All My Ex’s Live in Texas’ to ‘Out in the old Texas Town of El Paso’ to ‘Kryptonite’…these are the three favorite bands OF a Tool.  (Um…Just so you know, Mr. Babin, we really didn’t mean “Tool” in the Urban Dictionary Definition, you know, a ‘Tool’ being ‘One who lacks the mental capacity to know he is being used…a fool.  A cretin, characterized by low intelligence and/or self-esteem.’  We meant ‘Tool of War’ as in ‘Lethal Instrument’.  We LOVE Tool.  In fact, we can’t decide which is our favorite song; ‘Schism’ , ‘Vicarious’ or ‘StinkFist’.   Danny’s drumming in ‘Vicarious’ is God-Like.)

    TOOL’S ‘TOOL’: YOU CAN USE THE ‘NUTS’ TO LOOSEN YOUR NUTS

    6:47:11 a.m. – Leif weighs in on the Russian situation…Crimea and the Ukraine, he says “Kindergarteners can figure this out…if we don’t show strength by drawing lines in the sand that have serious consequences…then we become weak.”  Or something like that.  We’re not sure of the exact quote, all we know is, we wouldn’t DREAM of F^%$ing with Leif as a Kindergartner.

    FILE PHOTO:

     LEIF IN KINDERGARTEN, SPENDING RECESS AS HE ALWAYS DID: CLEANING HIS PISTOL

    7:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man asks Warner if he’s ever bitten the inside of his cheek…as if he could bite the OUTSIDE of his cheek.  Imus acts as though nobody else would know what that experience is like…much in the same way that he extolled how great the pancakes are at IHOP, the Bruce Springsteen is killer, and masturbation isn’t a bad way to spend 90 seconds.

    YOU SEE, ‘EAT ME’ ISN’T A PHRASE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE LITERALLY

    7:37:34 a.m. – ‘Blonde on Blonde’, or as we like to call it, ‘Where’s the Mute Button?’  Deirdre beats on Lis like a rented redheaded step-mule.  Which is unusual, as Deirdre usually is very receptive to opposing views, and discusses them with Lis in a reasoned, measured, courteous manner in a civil, polite, well-mannered debate.  Say what you want about Deirdre, she respects her elders.

    LIS AT HER COLLEGE REUNION

    7:45:09 a.m. –  Imus plays a clip of Sister Cristina Scuccia from the Italian version of ‘The Voice’.  It’s amazing.  Lis is especially impressed, not by the good sister’s singing, but that a woman could actually take a vow of chastity.  The nun IS talented, however, but she’s no Sister Bertrille.  That girl could FLY.

    “YO…SISTAH…WHERE THE PLANE AT?”

    8:11:24 a.m. – Dagen makes the uncomfortable observation that both she and Carley would sleep with Nat Candido before they would even give the time of day to ‘Gunz’.  This inspires the I-Man to play Cupid and set up Nat with Giselle, our Hair Stylist in the Green Room.  He extolls our lovable Stage Manager’s many virtues:  He’s thoughtful, kind, funny, enthusiastic…he’s got a big heart, he’s ‘relatively clean’.  Dagen adds ‘Hirsute’, which is a fancy, Dick Cavett Scrabble word, meaning:  ‘Back Hair Like A Chimp’.  Stop.  You had us at ‘Relatively Clean’.

    WALKING IS NOT THE ONLY THING NAT DOES…UM… ‘UPRIGHT’. 

    YOU KNOW WHAT WE’RE SAYING, LADIES?

    8:40:14 a.m. – Christopher, ‘Mad Dog’ Russo is on, live, in the studio.  To truly get the full ‘Mad Dog’ experience, Russo MUST be seen in the flesh.  He’s a role model for all the ‘Trainables’ out there with big heads because they’re so full of dreams…you know, the 40 year old guys living in their mother’s basements, eating pudding and playing NBA 2K 14 on XBOX…destined to die a virgin.  It’s incredible to us that, not only is Mad Dog married, he’s fathered 4 children. (At least that’s his wife’s story) We’re of the opinion that this guy couldn’t’ get laid at the Bunny Ranch with a Black American Express card and a fistful of fifties taped to his junk.   

    CHRISTOPHER ‘MAD DOG’ RUSSO (L)

    8:43:08 A.M. – Mad Dog reviews his old partner, Mike Francesa’s, new show on Fox Sports 1.  Bigfoot puts the video of the show up on the monitor, and Russo gets confused, thinking Mike is buying a Diet Coke at a 7-11, because it looks like Security Cam footage. 

    “HI.  WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE DORITOS?”

    8:47:08 A.M. –  Chris reveals that he wants his 15 Year old son, Timmy, to play in the NBA.  If he’s anything like his father, athletic-wise, the only way Timmy’s getting on a Professional Basketball court is if he’s wearing a Giant Animal head.

    MAD DOG : HIS HOOPS CAREER HOPES DIED EARLY

    8:55:10 A.M. – The I-Man informs us that he had a little ‘adventure’ when he left the studio yesterday.  As he was getting into the backseat of the I-Scalade, an irate fan was giving him ‘The Business’   Brant, apparently, kept the door open, so the gentleman could finish his rant.  Always the thoughtful one, that Brant Eaton.  We’re surprised he didn’t off the nut job a ride.  “Where you going?  Soho?  It should only take about 4 hours.  I know a shortcut.”

    “SORRY THE RIDE’S SO BUMPY SIR, BUT THE PIN’S STILL IN THE GRENADE, RIGHT?”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    SISTER CRISTINA CRUSHES IT ON THE ITALIAN ‘VOICE’

      WHEN WE WERE KIDS, IF A NUN GOT THAT EXPRESSION ON HER FACE,

    WE WERE ABOUT TO GET WHACKED ON THE WRIST WITH A RULER

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2v6kpU6a8qI