6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man’s got something on his lip. And it’s surprising that it’s not Roger Ailes’ ass. He had something removed, and now has a stitch on the lower right corner of his mouth. We never heard anything about this surgery before, and so we suspect he made up the malady just so he could get some of those “Personality Pills”. The doctor, if you can believe it, actually tried to give Imus TYLENOL. F*CKING TYLENOL! Didn’t that sh*t kill a bunch of people a few years ago?
6:12:34 a.m. – Scotland has voted to stay in the U.K. Probably because it was too expensive to become their own nation. You know…that sterotype about Scottish People being all stingy and cheap? Yes? Ahh, who gives a sh*t. It’s a bunch of Haggis eating dudes wearing plaid skirts.
IF A BODY CATCH A BODY COMIN’ THROUGH THE RYE…SHOOT THE BASTARD
6:18:08 a.m. – The GREAT Sam Moore is here with his Bluegrass Band….what? The GREAT Sam Moore is here with his BLUEGRASS BAND. That’s what we thought you said. Can’t wait to hear ‘Soul Man’ done on Banjo, Fiddle and Mandolin.
SAM & DAVEY BOB, JIM BOB, COOTER & SLUDGE
6:28:08 a.m. – Sam & his Bluegrass band, ‘Nu-Blu’ do his new song, ‘Jesus and Jones’, comparing Christ to Possum. We think it’s a stretch. Jesus came back from the dead…George, so far…not so much. But then again, he was always known for ‘Not Showing Up’.
THE LAST JEW IN COUNTRY MUSIC. BEFORE KINKY, THAT IS.
6:38:08 a.m. – K.T. McFarland, Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense for Public Affairs for Reagan is here. Although Defense for Public Affairs might have come in handy during the Clinton Administration but…20/20 Hindsight. She is on to discuss the ISIS/ISIL situation. The I-Man continues to ponder why the President insists of calling them ‘ISIL’. She attempts to explain, telling him the Terrorist Group now refers themselves as ‘IS’. As in “We Just Is.” Jesus. We haven’t seen so much re-branding since Madonna.
MADGE, EVER THE PEACEKEEPER, SOLVES THE MIDDLE EAST CRISIS
7:09:28 a.m. – Talk about Irony. Turns out that Dr. Gwen Korovin, the woman who cleans the I-Man’s ears, was the doctor in the operating room with Joan Rivers. AND, according to TMZ, was the one who took the ‘Selfie’, a charge she denies. Although, if you’ve been to her office, you’ll notice she’s got 8x10’s of HUNDREDS of Celebrity Patients. Maybe she just needed one more to complete the set.
DR. GWEN WITH THE JOAN RIVERS FIGURE AT MADAME TUSSAUD’S…OH, WAIT A MINUTE…THAT’S THE REAL JOAN RIVERS. HARD TO TELL THEM APART. THEY’RE BOTH REALLY SHINY
7:18:42 a.m. – The I-Man says that Bernie’s remarks about Dr. Korovin, (“You win some, you lose some”) are going to send him to hell faster than anybody’s ever gone. Dagen reports that she can’t wait to see the Joan Rivers balloon at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Okay. Maybe Bernie WON’T be the fastest.
THE ‘HELLO JOANIE’ BALLOON DEBUTS THIS THANKSGIVING
7:22:44 a.m. – Imus relates that he wanted to stop in Clovis, New Mexico, to buy a Buddy Holly T-Shirt at the Buddy Holly museum. Much to his dismay, the co-ordinates on his Google Map sent him to an open field. Which might actually BE the Buddy Holly museum, as the plane he and the Big Bopper and Richie Valens were in went down IN a field in Iowa. The I-Man asked people to direct him to the museum, and was disheartened to find that people in Clovis didn’t know who Buddy Holly is. They DID, however know who HE is. “You’re that potty-mouthed JEW on the radio up there in New York.”
BUDDY IMUS. HE’S GOT A PRIVATE PLANE TOO.
WE’RE NOT SAYING, WE’RE JUST SAYING
7:41:24 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS with new permanent member, Carley Shimkus. Carley answers the question “Should NFL players be allowed to beat their spouses, their kids, their agents or their meat?” the same way everyone else does: “Meat.” Except her perception of what ‘Beating your meat’, is that scene in Rocky when he’s in the Butcher Locker using a side of beef as a heavy bag. Um…yeah, Carley. That’s it. The Rocky Movie.
ROCKY BALBOA TENDERIZING SUNDAY DINNER
BUT YOU CAN’T BEAT THIS MEAT
7:56:32 a.m. – Neil Cavuto stops by for a visit. The I-Man accuses him of being a suck up to Rupert Murdoch, then, immediately wants to know if Mr. Murdoch even knows that he works for him. Has Imus ever spoken to Mr. Murdoch? No. Then YES, he DOES know he’s working for him.
NEIL PAYS TRIBUTE TO RUPERT MURDOCH
8:07:16 a.m. – The I-Man plays a clip of Mr. Cavuto from yesterday’s Election Coverage, where Neil does his ‘Scottish Accent’, which sounds suspiciously like Tom Brokaw trying to speak Mandarin Chinese.
NEIL CAVUTO DOING HIS ‘SCOTTISH CHARACTER’
8:11:24 a.m. – BREAKING NEWS! WABC has hired JOAN HAMBURG to do weekends on the radio! The I-Man says that they hired her because Long John Knebel is dead. The Good News is that she brings a whole new revenue stream with her. You can’t have enough Assisted Living Facilities, Funeral Homes, Little Rascal Scooter Dealers or Reverse Mortgage Sponsors. She will be broadcasting from the ‘Depends Studio’.
THE HIRING OF JOAN (ABOVE) IS VERY EXCITING TO HER FANS (BELOW)
8:18:36 a.m. – Cavuto and the I-Man engage in their usual banter. Imus tries to get Neil to leave by saying “There’s a new tray of donuts in the Green Room.” The C-Man counters with “Oh yeah? Well there’s some fresh vials of blood outside, you want me to bring some in for you?” Which is true. There are, however, no donuts. Not as long as Rob is in the Green Room.
NEIL WITH HIS FAVORITE OF THE FIVE FOOD GROUPS
8:40:00 a.m. – Sam and Nu Blu do another song. Um…nope. It’s ‘Jesus and Jones’ again. Although we think this is a different version because Sam is singing different lyrics. But who are we to make such judgements. This is Sam Mother F*cking Moore. He could sing ‘Old MacDonald Had A Farm’ and make it sound good.
THE FLIP SIDE TO ‘TWINKLE TWINKLE’
VIDEO OF THE DAY
NEIL CAVUTO PRACTICING HIS SCOTTISH ACCENT
Comments from the I-Man: It's Long John Nebel, not Knebel!