6:05:00 a.m. – We return after our two week vacation, refreshed, renewed and restored… excited about the prospect of new beginnings. The I-Man begins the week with a positive thought… “There are a couple of things I never have to do again.” We think he is referring to his throat surgery, or perhaps his rehab stay 27 years ago this month…but no, he means he will never have to go to Gallup, New Mexico again. The Imuses were there over the vacation to cheer on Wyatt in the National Jr. Rodeo finals, where the young lad won over FIVE thousand dollars. If the Calf Roping Prodigy continues to improve, the I-Man might actually be able to retire in a couple of years.
6:10:17 a.m. – Warner catches us up on the sports happenings over the past two weeks, most notably, Long Time Celtics coach Doc Rivers moving on to the L.A. Lakers…the only problem with that is…Rivers is now coach of the Clippers…not the Lakers. But to be fair…it IS the same city. And they DO play in the same building. And they are both basketball teams. Which, considering it’s Warner…isn’t always a ‘sure thing’.
GLENN ‘DOC’ RIVERS, SOMEWHAT ANNOYED WITH WARNER WOLF. HEY, DOC, IT COULD BE WORSE. WARNER COULD’VE REFERRED TO YOU AS ‘DR. J’
6:23:58 a.m. – Warner, on Wimbledon: “The first set of Djokovic and Murray reminded me of the Hagler/Hearns fight.” We assume that Warner made the connection when after the third serve, Murray had to take a standing eight count.
HEARNS OFTEN USED A TENNIS BALL TO WORK ON HIS ‘STANCE’
6:40:18 a.m. – After informing us that he has actually been in a flying simulator, where he engaged a computer-generated scenario of a clear day landing at San Francisco International Airport, Bo Dietl provides some advice to pilots: “Don’t cut your power when you’re making you final approach.” We are pleasantly surprised at Bo’s expert take on the matter. Our advice would simply be “Try not to crash.”
HOW HARD COULD IT BE? EVEN A BLOW UP DOLL CAN DO IT.
7:17:57 a.m. – A discussion of Carmello Anthony’s wife, La La, and her ‘tasting like Honey Nut Cheerios’ transpires…which causes us to speculate about what flavor the I-Man would favor, if Deirdre were to be asked what breakfast cereal he would call to mind on the palate. We are thinking, purely from a texture standpoint, the answer would be ‘Shredded Wheat’.
THE I-MAN. CEREAL LOVER.
7:25:38 a.m. – Warner shares a story about driving on Route 66 back when he was a young, upcoming sportscaster, looking for work. It sounds like a screenplay. Apparently, he was driving from D.C. to L.A., and somewhere around Tucumcari, New Mexico, he got drunk on St. Patrick’s Day. The inebriatio must have inspired him to look up an old family friend, Red Skelton, when he got to California. Apparently, Red used to work with Warner’s parents, Jack and Rose, in Vaudeville. According to Warner, they were quite close. He was granted an audience with the comedy legend, and when showed Red a photo of his folks from ‘Back in the day.’ Red looked at the photo, looked at Warner…and then walked away. Boy, that Warner sure knows how to tell a story. He’s the embodiment of the old Show Business axiom… ‘Always leave ‘em wanting more.’’ Except with him, we would modify the adage to read ‘Always leave them with…AT THE VERY LEAST, AN EFFING POINT!’
“NICE PICTURE OF YOUR PARENTS. DID IT COME WITH THE WALLET? GOOD NIGHT…AND GOD BLESS. NOW GET OUT.”
7:39:17 a.m. – Juan Williams is on to discuss current events. The I-Man has not watched TV or read the news for a couple of weeks…which would leave him particularly clueless about the state of the world…if it weren’t for the fact that he’s pretty clueless even when he reads the New York Times and watches Neil Cavuto. Juan attempts to bring the boss up to speed…however, it soon becomes apparent that the only burning question on Imus’ mind is why there isn’t a F%$#ing ‘Full Service’ Starbucks in Gallup, New Mexico.
STARBUCKS PROPOSED AD CAMPAIGN FOR THE GALLUP, NEW MEXICO MARKET
8:05:34 a.m. – While talking about the tragic plane crash in San Francisco over the weekend, and why the pilot did not have much experience flying a 777 aircraft, Imus relates a story about a trip on the I-Jet. Returning to Teterboro from Santa Fe on a Citation 10, he wandered up to the cockpit to find the pilots reading the flight manual. A concerned I-Man wondered why they needed to ‘brush up’ while actually in the air, but we all surmise that they were quite proficient at the controls of the plane…they just pulled out the manuals and pretended to study just so they could avoid having to actually speak to the old fool.
“UM…HI THERE, I-MAN…LISTEN, WE’D LOVE TO CHAT, BUT WE’RE KIND OF BUSY RIGHT NOW…THERE’S THIS LITTLE FLASHING RED LIGHT THAT SAYS ‘WARNING’, AND WE’RE NOT SURE WHAT IT MEANS. SO WE’RE GOING TO PUT THE ‘FASTEN SEAT BELTS’ LIGHT BACK ON.”
8:40:17 A.M. - Martin Garbus is on to discuss “The Cuban Five” a case, about which, we know nothing about. But…thankfully, after his appearance, we know…even less. He could’ve been speaking Spanish for all we know. “The Cuban Five” could refer to a specialty sandwich at the Subway in South Beach, it could be the latest dance craze to hit Havana…it could be a sampler of Cohiba Robustos... we simply have no effing idea. And, we get the feeling, neither does Mr. Garbus, despite the fact that he is probably one of the most brilliant legal minds in the country. He could’ve gotten Julius and Ethel Rosenberg off. (Not in a sexual way, mind you, but…you get the point)
THE ‘CUBAN FIVE’: A DESI ARNAZ TRIBUTE BAND POSING FOR THE COVER OF THEIR NEW ALBUM:
“MARTIN…YOU GOT SOME ‘SPLAININ’ TO DO!”
9:17:01 A.M. - In light of Elliot Spitzer’s announcement that he is running for the office of Comptroller for the City of New York, we engage in a debate about him and Anthony Wiener as candidates. The topic? Which is ‘more distasteful’: Engaging the services of a prostitute, or texting pictures of your penis? In other words, which is worse? To receive a cell phone photo? Or actually get the ‘meat delivery’ in person? As he does with all such dilemmas, Imus goes to Dagen and Carley for their positions on the matter. Dagen maintains that men are under the misguided assumption that their members are larger than they actually are…subject to the ‘Side View Mirror Effect’. (The ‘Images may be bigger than they appear’ deal.) Although Carley does find men with facial hair and sleeve tattoos sexy, she does not consider texted photos of ‘male junk’ a ‘turn on’. Which, to us, is somewhat ironic, as men with facial hair and sleeve tattoos would seem to be the type most likely to send such pictures. This causes us to wonder if the penis were to have its own sleeve tattoo whether that would make a difference, but regardless, both ladies beg the I-Man to drop the subject, fearing that they will receive a plethora of obscene text messages before the program concludes this morning. Unfortunately, their request comes too late. Before we go to break, Gunz has used up his text message allotment for the month
“I’M HAVING TROUBLE MAKING THIS OUT…IS THAT A VIENNA SAUSAGE? OR IS GUNZ JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
In light of ‘the cuban five’ and bo dietl’s piloting ‘expertise’, we offer the first ‘bi-lingual’ video primer
“Un manual sobre la mejor forma de emplear a un piloto automático al aterrizar un avión”