6:00:10 a.m. – We begin the program with news that instead of ‘Hollywood & Vine’, we will be having an extra edition of ‘Blonde on Blonde’. APRIL FOOLS! Lis will find that out in a little while when she realizes that she was called at 4 A.M. this morning by an ‘Imus Impersonator’ demanding that she appear “At the studio in 20 minutes!” Sorry Lis. It’s mean, we know…but…hilarious nonetheless.
OBVIOUSLY, LIS IS NOT A ‘MORNING PERSON’
6:05:12 a.m. – The I-Man starts the show by pointing out that the Mets have promised to ‘Win 90 Games’, and their promise is still good. They still have 90 games to win, because they didn’t yesterday. Blew the game with two outs in the 9th inning. Not a good way to start the season, but Nat, ever the optimist, won’t start power drinking until the All Star Break. It’s not that the Mets suck…it’s just that now, their ‘Magic Number’ is 161. Everybody sing! “Meet the Mets! Greet the Mets! Come on out and BEAT the Mets!”
NAT, ON LEFT, STILL ‘LIVING IN HOPE’
6:15:01 a.m. – Speaking of Nat, who is not here with us today, the I-Man is not happy with his replacement, Nick. Apparently, Nick is not doing a good job keeping the wire slack enough on the ear monitors, or in controlling the temperature in the studio. The I-Man is freezing. Despite the fact that, according to Dagen, he is sitting in his own, personal, ‘Ring of Fire’. He maintains he’s still cold, however…which does make SOME sense. The Devil would be cold in a vat of molten iron.
“IS IT COLD IN HERE? OR IS IT JUST ME?”
6:38:01 a.m. – On the radio, they play a spot for ‘1-855-Kids 4 Cars’, encouraging you to donate your Kid in exchange for a new set of wheels…because “Kids are worth a lot more than you think.” Oh, we get it. April Fools! Ha. Ha. If only. We could use the Tax Deduction. “Sorry, Junior…you’re going to live at the dealership now.”
THESE FIVE SHOULD BE GOOD FOR AT LEAST A TRADE IN ON A NEW CHEVY
6:43:46 a.m. – National Security Expert, K.T. McFarland, is on to discuss the Ukraine, the shooting between North and South Korea, and Kim Jong Un’s hairdo, which, it appears, she is trying to comply with.
IT’S A ‘FUN’ ‘DO, THAT YOU’LL BE ABLE TO STYLE YOURSELF AFTER YOU LEAVE THE SALON
7:05:10 a.m. – Neil Cavuto emails the I-Man to tell him not to be so quick to buy into Michael Lewis’ ‘Flash Boys’ theory about traders that use extremely high speed internet to beat other traders to the punch. Naturally, Imus uses this as an opportunity to accuse Cavuto of being a ‘Shill’, a ‘Toady’ and ‘In The Pocket’ of the Wall Street Investment Bankers. That allegation couldn’t be any more false. There’s no way Cavuto is fitting into ANYBODY’S pocket.
NEIL AFTER HIS WORKOUT
7:17:34 a.m. – The I-Man complains that the spot they’ve given him for our new sponsor, ‘Borro.com’, is 2 and ½ Minutes long. There’s no way he can do it in 60 seconds. He then spends 5 minutes talking about it. We are left with the following information: Borro.com isn’t like the Mob, they’re not going to send somebody to your house to break your legs. At 36% a year, they’ll meet you at work to break your legs. These guys don’t play. They are serious about their money…they didn’t even bother to buy the ‘W’ for their domain name. Probably because it’s a no ‘Win’ situation.
7:36:34 a.m. – Hollywood and Vine, featuring the triumphant return of Michael Riedel, who was away skiing last weekend. They ruminate over Gwynneth Paltrow’s ‘Conscious Uncoupling’ phrase. Dagen says she “Couldn’t hate that woman any more.” She has no sympathy for Gwynnie and makes the following observation: “I have no sympathy for you, being a rich twig born into privilege and wealth.” Um…we assume she’s still talking about Gwynneth and not Imogen. She was rather brutal with our little British friend last week. Such is Dagen’s hatred for Paltrow, she watches ‘Contagion’ because Gwynnie is only in it for 10 minutes and she dies a horrible death…
IF YOU DON’T MIND, WE WILL ‘CONSCIOUSLY UNCOUPLE’ FROM YOU, NOW
7:44:34 a.m. – The 47 year old Riedel says he just got back from Barbados and looks like George Hamilton. Imus says he looks like he’s 61 years old. Riedel counters by comparing the I-Man’s appearance to that of Carol Channing. Hurtful.
WE DON’T SEE THE RESEMBLANCE AT ALL. SHE’S NOT EVEN WEARING A COWBOY HAT
8:09:10 a.m. – The I-Man talks about this ‘Flash Boys’ book again. We have the sinking feeling that this is going to be another Whitaker Chambers/Astral Weeks/Thimerosal/Where’s the Plane?-Style Obsession. He’s also talking about ‘A Million Ways to Die in the West’, Seth McFarlane’s revisiting of the Old West a’ la Mel Brooks. There’s a movie by the same name coming out in May with the same title. We’d say that McFarlane would have quite a plagiarism case on his hands…but it turns out the book is just a novelization of his own movie. We wonder why the ‘Family Guy’ novel was never published…
THE ‘FAMILY GUY’ BOOK…IT’S REALLY MORE OF A NOVELLA
8:17:24 a.m. – The I-Man speaks about his method of discovering talent. Apparently, it comes from talking to people. So if you’d like to be a radio and TV star, go up to the I-Man whenever you see him in public, and talk to him. Make sure you do all your ‘Impressions’ and ‘Voices’ and share your hidden talents, like…you play guitar in your garage with your friends…and tell him how everybody at work thinks you’re ‘A Scream’.
IF YOU CAN’T GET TO THE I-MAN IN PERSON, CALL HIM UP AND AUDITION
8:40:14 a.m. – Juan Williams is on, justifying his Musical Mt. Rushmore, which includes Marvin Gaye, Sam Cooke, Karen Carpenter and Frank Sinatra. Mr. Williams maintains that Gaye and Cooke are valid choices, if only for the reason that both were shot to death…Marvin by his Dad, Sam by a Hooker. Karen Carpenter wasn’t shot because she was so thin, you couldn’t get a bead on her…and, of course, Frank Sinatra…who could have had them ALL shot. Except for Karen Carpenter because… ‘She never gets hungry for dinner at eight…in fact, she never gets hungry. That’s why the lady…is a corpse!”
“HEY, SWEETHEART…WANNA GO FOR SOME RIBS…UM…SORRY.”
9:15:30 a.m. – “The I-Man knows what’s goin’ on…because he’s out there with the people…he’s at the IHOP…he’s at the Best Western in Huntsville, he’s going to El Chico saying “MAKE me that Taco Salad, baby!” How did you get there, boss? On the Private Jet? Did you FLY OVER ‘The People’? That’s right. We just ‘Lis Wiehl’-ed your ass.
LOOK REALLLLL CLOSE. YOU’LL SEE THE I-MAN IN LINE WITH ‘THE PEOPLE’, WAITING TO GO THROUGH SECURITY AT NEWARK AIRPORT
9:17:14 a.m. – Warner reports that “The Mets have signed Bobby Abreu…because Ed Kranepool wasn’t available. Abreu is very excited about the potential of playing in New York…because there are so many ‘Papaya Dog’ locations in the area.
ABREU IS ECSTATIC WITH HIS NEW HOME IN NEW YORK
VIDEO OF THE DAY
WE CANNOT WAIT.
“A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST”…THE MOTION PICTURE
BASED ON THE NOVEL THAT WAS BASED ON THE SCREENPLAY
OPENS MAY 30TH