Inside Imus Control Center

Rob & Tony's

Behind the Scenes Blog

-Wednesday, April 16-0 Comments
-Wednesday, April 16-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man asks Warner if he watches Sports Center. Ironically, our legendary Sportscaster is not a big fan of Sports Shows. He answers that he does, sometimes, but not the ...
-Tuesday, April 15-0 Comments
-Tuesday, April 15-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – Imus has had an epiphany when it comes to ‘It Might Be Elvis’. He has decided that HE will now pick the songs, and the panel will all make suggestions as to whic ...
-Monday, April 14-0 Comments
-Monday, April 14-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – The Knicks are officially ‘Out of It’ and between that, and Wyatt winning nearly a THOUSAND DOLLARS at the Ultimate Roping in Montgomery, Texas, the I-Man ...

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    Monday
    Jul082013

    And He's Back!

    6:05:00 a.m. –   We return after our two week vacation, refreshed, renewed and restored… excited about the prospect of new beginnings.  The I-Man begins the week with a positive thought… “There are a couple of things I never have to do again.”   We think he is referring to his throat surgery, or perhaps his rehab stay 27 years ago this month…but no, he means he will never have to go to Gallup, New Mexico again.  The Imuses were there over the vacation to cheer on Wyatt in the National Jr. Rodeo finals, where the young lad won over FIVE thousand dollars.   If the Calf Roping Prodigy continues to improve, the I-Man might actually be able to retire in a couple of years.

     WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO RETURN TO THIS BEAUTIFULLY PASTORAL LOCATION?

    6:10:17 a.m. – Warner catches us up on the sports happenings over the past two weeks, most notably, Long Time Celtics coach Doc Rivers moving on to the L.A. Lakers…the only problem with that is…Rivers is now coach of the Clippers…not the Lakers.  But to be fair…it IS the same city.  And they DO play in the same building.  And they are both basketball teams.  Which, considering it’s Warner…isn’t always a ‘sure thing’.

    GLENN ‘DOC’ RIVERS, SOMEWHAT ANNOYED WITH WARNER WOLF.  HEY, DOC, IT COULD BE WORSE.  WARNER COULD’VE REFERRED TO YOU AS ‘DR. J’

    6:23:58 a.m. – Warner, on Wimbledon:  “The first set of Djokovic and Murray reminded me of the Hagler/Hearns fight.”   We assume that Warner made the connection when after the third serve, Murray had to take a standing eight count.

    HEARNS OFTEN USED A TENNIS BALL TO WORK ON HIS ‘STANCE’

    (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    6:40:18 a.m. –   After informing us that he has actually been in a flying simulator,  where he engaged a computer-generated scenario of a clear day landing at San Francisco International Airport, Bo Dietl provides some advice to pilots:  “Don’t cut your power when you’re making you final approach.” We are pleasantly surprised at Bo’s expert take on the matter.  Our advice would simply be “Try not to crash.”

    HOW HARD COULD IT BE?  EVEN A BLOW UP DOLL CAN DO IT.

    7:17:57 a.m. –  A discussion of Carmello Anthony’s wife, La La, and her ‘tasting like Honey Nut Cheerios’ transpires…which causes us to speculate about what flavor the I-Man would favor, if Deirdre were to be asked what breakfast cereal he would call to mind on the palate.  We are thinking, purely from a texture standpoint, the answer would be ‘Shredded Wheat’.

    THE I-MAN.  CEREAL LOVER.

    7:25:38 a.m. –  Warner shares a story about driving on Route 66 back when he was a young, upcoming sportscaster, looking for work. It sounds like a screenplay.  Apparently, he was driving from D.C. to L.A., and somewhere around Tucumcari, New Mexico, he got drunk on St. Patrick’s Day.  The inebriatio must have inspired him to look up an old family friend, Red Skelton, when he got to California.  Apparently, Red used to work with Warner’s parents, Jack and Rose, in Vaudeville.  According to Warner, they were quite close.  He was granted an audience with the comedy legend, and when showed Red a photo of his folks from ‘Back in the day.’  Red looked at the photo, looked at Warner…and then walked away.   Boy, that Warner sure knows how to tell a story.  He’s the embodiment of the old Show Business axiom… ‘Always leave ‘em wanting more.’’  Except with him, we would modify the adage to read  ‘Always leave them with…AT THE VERY LEAST, AN EFFING POINT!’

    “NICE PICTURE OF YOUR PARENTS.  DID IT COME WITH THE WALLET?  GOOD NIGHT…AND GOD BLESS.  NOW GET OUT.”

    7:39:17 a.m. – Juan Williams is on to discuss current events.  The I-Man has not watched TV or read the news for a couple of weeks…which would leave him particularly clueless about the state of the world…if it weren’t for the fact that he’s pretty clueless even when he reads the New York Times and watches Neil Cavuto. Juan attempts to bring the boss up to speed…however, it soon becomes apparent that the only burning question on Imus’ mind is why there isn’t a F%$#ing  ‘Full Service’ Starbucks in Gallup, New Mexico. 

    STARBUCKS PROPOSED AD CAMPAIGN FOR THE GALLUP, NEW MEXICO MARKET

    8:05:34 a.m. –   While talking about the tragic plane crash in San Francisco over the weekend, and why the pilot did not have much experience flying a 777 aircraft, Imus relates a story about a trip on the I-Jet.   Returning to Teterboro from Santa Fe on a Citation 10, he wandered up to the cockpit to find the pilots reading the flight manual.  A concerned I-Man wondered why they needed to ‘brush up’ while actually in the air, but we all surmise that they were quite proficient at the controls of the plane…they just pulled out the manuals and pretended to study just so they could avoid having to actually speak to the old fool.

    “UM…HI THERE, I-MAN…LISTEN, WE’D LOVE TO CHAT, BUT WE’RE KIND OF BUSY RIGHT NOW…THERE’S THIS LITTLE FLASHING RED LIGHT THAT SAYS ‘WARNING’, AND WE’RE NOT SURE WHAT IT MEANS.  SO WE’RE GOING TO PUT THE ‘FASTEN SEAT BELTS’ LIGHT BACK ON.”

    8:40:17 A.M. -  Martin Garbus is on to discuss “The Cuban Five” a case, about which,  we know nothing about.  But…thankfully, after his appearance, we know…even less.  He could’ve been speaking Spanish for all we know.  “The Cuban Five” could refer to a specialty sandwich at the Subway in South Beach, it could be the latest dance craze to hit Havana…it could be a sampler of Cohiba Robustos... we simply have no effing idea.  And, we get the feeling, neither does Mr. Garbus, despite the fact that he is probably one of the most brilliant legal minds in the country.   He could’ve gotten Julius and Ethel Rosenberg off.  (Not in a sexual way, mind you, but…you get the point) 

    THE ‘CUBAN FIVE’:  A DESI ARNAZ TRIBUTE BAND POSING FOR THE COVER OF THEIR NEW ALBUM:

    “MARTIN…YOU GOT SOME ‘SPLAININ’ TO DO!”

    9:17:01 A.M. -  In light of Elliot Spitzer’s announcement that he is running for the office of Comptroller for the City of New York, we engage in a debate about him and Anthony Wiener as candidates.  The topic?  Which is ‘more distasteful’:  Engaging the services of a prostitute, or texting pictures of your penis? In other words, which is worse?  To receive a cell phone photo?  Or actually get the ‘meat delivery’ in person?   As he does with all such dilemmas, Imus goes to Dagen and Carley for their positions on the matter.  Dagen maintains that men are under the misguided assumption that their members are larger than they actually are…subject to the ‘Side View Mirror Effect’.  (The ‘Images may be bigger than they appear’ deal.)  Although Carley does find men with facial hair and sleeve tattoos sexy, she does not consider texted photos of ‘male junk’ a ‘turn on’.   Which, to us, is somewhat ironic, as men with facial hair and sleeve tattoos would seem to be the type most likely to send such pictures.  This causes us to wonder if the penis were to have its own sleeve tattoo whether that would make a difference, but regardless, both ladies beg the I-Man to drop the subject, fearing that they will receive a plethora of obscene text messages before the program concludes this morning.  Unfortunately, their request comes too late.  Before we go to break, Gunz has used up his text message allotment for the month

    “I’M HAVING TROUBLE MAKING THIS OUT…IS THAT A VIENNA SAUSAGE?  OR IS GUNZ JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    In light of ‘the cuban five’ and bo dietl’s piloting ‘expertise’, we offer the first ‘bi-lingual’ video primer

    “Un manual sobre la mejor forma de emplear a un piloto automático al aterrizar un avión”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8JSt_xXs1g

     

    Thursday
    Jun202013

    Miami + Nightclub + Athletes = Trouble

    6:05:00 a.m. –  The I-Man is melancholy this morning… not only with the tragic news of James Gandolfini’s death, but also the passing of I-Fave, author Vince Flynn.  We are somewhat surprised that the death of 90 year old Yodeling Sensation, and a man who sold more records than the Beatles and Elvis, Slim Whitman, has not been acknowledged.  Taken too soon.  Why, God, WHY?   Why couldn’t it have been ‘Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute’?

    THE ‘Z-MAN’, ROCKIN’ THE PIPES.  “FREEEEEBIRRRRRD!!!” 

    6:17:17 a.m. –  Warner reports the news that New England Patriots Tight End, Aaron Hernandez, has gotten into serious trouble with the law…he’s implicated in a murder investigation, and in the middle of a civil suit for an alleged shooting at a Miami Night Club.  This prompts the I-Man to come up with the Line of the Day and it’s not even 6:30 a.m.:  “In a sports story, you only have to say two words: ‘Miami’ and ‘Nightclub’ and you already know it’s trouble.”

    NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS HERE AFTER MIDNIGHT  (AND THERE’S CERTAINLY NOTHING GOOD IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM…NO MATTER HOW HARD THE STRIPPER TRIES TO CONVINCE YOU)

    6:35:58 a.m. –   Stuart Varney, the Bombastic Brit whose program follows ours on Fox Business, is our guest, and Imus asks him who he had as a guest yesterday morning.  Varney reveals it was reality TV star Les Gold, from ‘Hardcore Pawn’.  Of course, this leads the boss to say “I bet you’ve never actually seen hardcore PORN.”  Varney tries to float some B.S. story about how his eyes have never witnessed such florid filth, however, we, on the other hand, believe that, not only has he seen thousands of hours of dirty videos…he’s actually STARRED in quite a few.  Tractor-Fetish stuff that, apparently, is quite popular with the Amish.

    STUART’S CINEMATIC DEBUT...WE ARE GUESSING THERE WAS QUITE A BIT OF SPECIAL EFFECTS WORK DONE TO ‘ENHANCE’ HIS PERFORMANCE IN THE TITLE ROLE

    6:40:18 a.m. –  Incredibly, things turn ‘ugly’ between the I-Man and The ‘V’-Man.  The Boss is not one to be trifled with.   He threatens Varney with “If I was there, I’d beat your ass.”  To which, Stuart replies:  “What would you do?  Hit me with your oxygen tank?”   Stuart from downtown…although it’s easy to grow a pair when there’s 1,947.7 miles and 6, 175 feet between him and his ‘prey’.

    THIS OXYGEN TANK IS NOT GOING TO BODE WELL FOR THIS PARTICULAR SHOW BUSINESS ICON EITHER

    7:02:58 a.m. –   Somehow, the name of ‘Joel Osteen’ is invoked.  Imus is surprised that Jesus has not come back to “Kick his ass.”  We wonder why Jesus hasn’t done that with a lot of people…

    7:26:57 a.m. –  The I-Man has a bone to pick with Rich Ford in New Mexico.  He has bought all of his trucks there…at BUST OUT RETAIL.   What part about ‘Professional Courtesy’ discount don’t they understand?   ‘Rich’ Ford…it’s not just a family name…this dude’s making a fortune…and on the back of poor, exploited Don Imus.  

    “HEY, PAL!  WAKE UP!  YOU GOTTA LEAVE NOW, WE HAVE TO PREP THIS TRUCK FOR IMUS”

    7:39:17 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting.  As expected, the ‘Spanking for Jesus’ topic makes for some lively discussion.

    “I WOULD SAY THAT THIS IS GOING TO HURT ME MORE THAN IT’S GOING TO HURT YOU…BUT I’D BE LYING.”

    7:43:12 a.m. – The best moment in the ‘Spanking’ discussion comes when the I-Man asserts his authority and states that “(he) wears the pants and makes the decisions in the ‘I-House’”.  The Mensa Meeting takes a brief pause while Deirdre collects herself…and pulls herself off the floor where she has collapsed in a fit of laughter.

    LUNCHTIME AT THE IMUS HOUSEHOLD (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    8:12:34 a.m. – Imus mentions that he has retained legal counsel in Texas, employing the services of ‘Shannon, Martin and Finklestein’, to assist him in the purchase of a Ranch near Houston.  The Finklesteins are a well known family in Texas, as they are the only Jews in a 1700 mile radius.  They are easy to find, however, you just look for the house with the burning cross on the lawn.

    FORGIVE US, WE WERE WRONG, APPARENTLY, THERE IS A RICH LEGACY OF JEWS IN TEXAS, AS THIS PREDECESSOR TO KINKY FRIEDMAN WILL ATTEST

    8:18:45 a.m. – Imus, in promoting the upcoming appearance of Terry Bradshaw, observes that he is not fond of guests who only show interest in appearing on the program when they have something to plug.  “You begin to feel like a hooker,” a dejected Imus says.  Imus as a hooker?   That’s quite an image.  We can’t see him as a ‘Midnight Cowboy’, in a hotel room with a client… “I’m about to pleasure you like you’ve never been pleasured before…as soon as I catch my breath and stop coughing like a mental patient.”

    “…AND NOW, I WILL REMOVE MY TRUSS AND ASSUME A NUMBER OF SUGGESTIVE POSES.”

    8:40:45 a.m. –  I-Fave, the aforementioned Terry Bradshaw now has his own, Big Time, Stage Show at the Mirage in Las Vegas.  You wouldn’t think that the former NFL Hall of Fame Quarterback could provide ‘Cirque du Soleil’ style entertainment, but then again, this is the town where the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet and the 99 Cent Shrimp Cocktail were invented.  Terry’s starring in: “Terry Bradshaw, America’s Favorite Dumb Blonde”, a revue featuring the All-Singing, All-Dancing Bradshaw, with Show Girls, Original Musical Score, Choreography…in fact, he does everything but draw a pair of eyes on his hand and perform ventriloquism.  Then again, we haven’t seen the show yet…we are just ASSUMING he’s not doing a routine with his Little Friend…‘Brad’-ley. 

    DON’T TELL ANYBODY, BUT TERRY AND HIS ‘LITTLE FRIEND’ SHARE A HAIRPIECE

    9:11:17 A.M. -  Warner, with the story of the morning…which is saying something, as we’ve already established the ‘Spanking for Jesus’ thing…  The Wolfman reports that the Brooklyn Cyclones, the Mets Minor League Farm Team, in honor of ‘Jewish Heritage’ night, will Bar Mitzvah their mascot, ‘Sandy the Seagull’, and then have 18 Rabbis throwing out the first ball.  We’d also like to report that admission will be 25% off, but that would be a hideous stereotype.  We wonder what ‘Sandy’ is going to do with all the Pen and Pencil sets he will receive, as he will have difficulty using them, as Seagulls don’t have opposable thumbs at the end of their talons…but we are happy they didn’t decided to perform a ‘bris’ on 2nd base.  Besides, we are more interested in the notion of the Rabbis throwing out the first ball…as we finally know the punchline to the joke:  “How many Rabbis does it take to throw out the…”  , oh, you know the rest.

    “’BARUCH ATAH ADONAI ELOHEINU MELECH HA’OLAM!   TODAY I AM A MAN!”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    WE WISH TO GO ON RECORD AS BEING COMPLETELY AGAINST THE CONCEPT OF CHRISTIAN DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE…

     

    HOWEVER…YOU CAN’T GET AWAY FROM THE FACT THAT..

    THIS $#&^ IS FUNNNNNY!!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-0lUHF6K88

    Wednesday
    Jun192013

    The Heart of a Lion

    6:05:00 a.m. –   We begin the day with the I-Man asking Dagen and Carley if they’ve seen the naked guy in the salad dressing commercial.  Both ladies admit that they have…and what’s more, they LIKE it.  We’re just glad nobody TOSSED that salad?  What?  We’re concerned the gentleman could get hurt with the tongs.

    UM…ARE THOSE CROUTONS UNDER THAT PICNIC BLANKET? 

    OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

    6:14:17 a.m. –  The I-Man is going to see the new Ford F-150 “Limited Edition”.  He has a 2008 Ford F-150 Limited Edition.  These trucks don’t seem all that “Limited”, seeing as how there appears to be a new one every year.  But, obviously, what do we know?

    THE 2008 LIMITED EDITION  (L) VS.  THE 2013 LIMITED EDITION (R)

    THE CHOICE IS CLEAR

    6:23:58 a.m. –   Imus did some reconnaissance prior to this trip to Gallup, New Mexico, for the National Jr. High Rodeo Championships…so will know where to find the Starbucks in town.  He’s looking forward to it being a GREAT Starbucks, because the one in Santa Fe, New Mexico, at 3899 Cerillos Road, (505-474-5766 should you want to call to check on their hours) is A HIDEOUS DUMP.  The I-Man likens the appearance of this location to that of the toilet at a Shell Gas Station on Route 66. (Should you want to find out whether or not this assessment is true, you could always call 505-474-5766 and ask the woman who answers the phone.  Hopefully, it will be the same condescending, snotty woman who informed Deirdre that their ‘Vocab’ does not use the name ‘Black Eye’ to describe a coffee with shots of Espresso added.  You might have to speak very slowly, because she clearly…has a problem.  It could be genetic, it could be the result of the massive head wound, but…please be patient.  She’s doing the best she can.)  The customer service at this Starbucks is not quite as friendly as that you will find in the Mess Hall at San Quentin Prison. In fact, if you want to hear just how arrogant and nasty the staff at the Starbucks at 3899 Cerillos Road in Santa Fe, New Mexico can be, you should call 505-474-5766 and inquire just what their problem is. We are NOT suggesting that you call to harass anyone at the Starbucks Outlet on 3899 Cerillos Road in Santa Fe, New Mexico.  But you might want to call them at 505-474-5766 just to see how they’re doing.  And then call back a number of times to make sure they’re all okay.

    A LITTLE IMAGINATION AND JUST A LITTLE MORE MAGIC MARKER, AND YOU, TOO, CAN SEND A MESSAGE TO THE PERSON WORKING BEHIND THE COUNTER AT THE STARBUCKS AT 3899 CERILLOS ROAD IN  SANTA FE, NEW MEXICO,

    6:29:18 a.m. –   Although Santa Fe appears to be populated, for the most part, by snobby, privileged, self-important people, conversely, Donnie Imus took the boss’ laundry to a dry cleaners in Santa Fe, and found, to his delight, someone who truly wanted to provide some friendly customer service.  When he instructed the attendant on just how much starch the I-Man required in his jeans... the person recognized and remembered their famous customer:  “Oh…HE’S back in town”. 

    THE I-MAN STOPS AT THE DRY CLEANER WITH HIS JEANS

    7:02:58 a.m. –  The I-Man is frustrated, because, for some reason, he can’t seem to get his Hanes Beefy T Shirts.  Whenever he makes an attempt to purchase them, there is always some kind of problem…stock issues, shipping issues… We suspect this is all a smokescreen to hide the fact that, deep down, Hanes is just looking to protect their brand…as Imus and the word ‘Beefy’ don’t naturally flow together.  Beefy JERKY perhaps…

    LOOKING GOOD, I-MAN…LOOKING GOOD. NOW, IF YOU COULD ONLY JUST BUY ONE OF THESE EFFING SHIRTS…

    7:16:45a.m. –  Warner discusses the climax of one of the greatest NBA Finals games EVER…where Ray Allen’s clutch 3-Point shot tied the game…“95-91”.   Um…Warner?  We know you’re not that great at the ‘New Math’…but a 4-point difference does NOT a tie make…unless you took The Spurs and 4 points.

    EXCITING GAME…FOR MANY REASONS, NOT THE LEAST OF WHICH IS, THE COMPLETE DISREGARD FOR THE LAWS OF ARITHMETIC

    7:26:38 a.m. –  Despite the fact that Nat Candido, our fearless Stage Manager, has a tattoo himself, Ink fan, Carley is unimpressed.  Perhaps it could be due to the fact that Nat sports an actual ‘sports’ tattoo…specifically, the New York Mets Logo…which, also happens to have faded to the point where it appears that the team colors are…green.

    UM…MAYBE HE GOT THE INK…ON ST. PADDY’S DAY?

    7:39:17 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde.  Or, as we like to call it, “Please, Jesus God, make it stop.” The ladies discuss salads…and tats.  Specifically, the aforementioned ‘Dressing Man’ from the “Zesty” Kraft commercial…and the ink worn on the skin by hipsters and old sailors found in semi-conscious states at waterfront bars. Apparently, Deirdre doesn’t believe the ‘Salad Man’ would be hotter with the addition of tattoos, in fact, she is vehemently opposed to them, as they render the bearers of them with ‘toxic blood’.   Lis, however, is of the mind that ‘a couple of tattoos are okay.’   Little did we know the reason why she is so accepting…

    LIS WIEHL.  GIRL BE… ‘INTO THE INK’.  IN FACT, SHE WENT FROM THE BACK OF THE HARLEY, RIGHT TO THE FOX AIRWAVES

    7:43:12 a.m. – The Starbucks talk continues.  This time, however, the I-Man is bestowing accolades, the kudos going to the Starbucks in Huntsville, Texas, where Renee’ holds court as the Official Barista Of The  Imus in the Morning Program.  Little does the boss know that, even she finds a way to add that little something ‘extra’ to his morning beverage.  She just makes sure she never eats asparagus the night before she knows he will be in town.

    “THERE’S THE HINT OF SOMETHING IN THERE…I CAN’T PUT MY FINGER ON IT…”

    OH, THAT’S OKAY.  SOMEBODY ALREADY HAS.  ALTHOUGH IT’S NOT A FINGER.

    8:17:45 a.m. –  Lupica emails the Boss to say that last night’s Heats/Spurs game was the BEST finals game he ever saw.  Warner begs to differ.  Warner remembers the very FIRST NBA Final.  Before there was a shot clock.  That game had 8 overtimes, until somebody realized that, due to the cloudy weather conditions, nobody could read the sundial.

    “JESUS, JUST HOW THE HELL DO YOU WIND THIS THING?”

    8:35:45 a.m. –  Derek and Annette George are on with their amazingly courageous son, John Paul, to discuss their new book, Heart of a Lion, which is the story about their son being born with hyperplastic left heart defect, a rare condition that is universally fatal without immediate surgical intervention.  19 years later, and, miraculously, young John Paul is still with us to tell his incredible tale.  To say that this family is extraordinary is painfully inadequate, at best.   They make you believe in the existence of angels.  Even the famously cynical, suspicious I-Man is moved.  We have always believed in the presence of Angels.  Only because of our experience working with…devils.    

    DEREK AND ANNETTE WITH THEIR SON: 

    “WE KNOW JOHN PAUL IS HERE FOR A PURPOSE.  HE’S OUR VERY SPECIAL GIFT.”  WE ALL HAVE A CHOICE ON HOW VIEW OUR LIVES.  WE COULD ALL TAKE SOME INSPIRATION FROM HOW THE GEORGES VIEW THEIRS.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Because we are completely, solidly confident in our manliness and physical appearance, we share with you ‘The Zesty Guy’. It’s not envy that leads us to observe that we don’t think he’s ‘All that’.  He didn’t ‘make it move’ for us.  NOR would we ‘HIT that’.  But, just for Carley and Dagen and Deirdre and Lis, here is Anderson Davis, in all his Salad Making Glory.  (Notice the subtle, sexually suggestive imagery when he talks about ‘Once you go Italian, you never go back.”  In the words of the late, great George Carlin, “You don’t have to be Fellini to figure that one out”)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhvfAAdK3Dw

     (HE’S NOT GAY, - NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT -  BUT THIS DUDE ACTUALLY COULD INSPIRE ROB TO HAVE A SALAD)

    Tuesday
    Jun182013

    Sleeve Ink and Beards

    6:05:00 a.m. –   The I-Man is amped for the Finals of ‘The Voice’.  We’re not sure who he is rooting for… The Okie Duo ‘The Swon Brothers’, the 16 year old sensation from Cypress, Texas, or Michelle Chamuel, the bespectacled ‘Indy Artist’ from Amherst, Massachusetts.  Both Danielle and The Swon Brothers are Country Artists from Blake Shelton’s team, while the self-described ‘Reverb Junkie’, Chamuel, is being coached by Usher.  We believe ‘Country Prone’ Imus  will find Shelton’s artists canceling each other out, leaving Usher’s prodigy as the Official I-Pick.  Then again, The Swon Brothers DID do a STELLAR rendition of the Eagles’ ‘I Can’t Tell You Why’.  We would ask Warner what he thinks should happen with ‘The Voice’, but we’re afraid he will advise “Have some hot tea with lemon and get some vocal rest.”

    ADAM LEVINE GIVES THE ‘VOICE FINGER’ TO THE THREE REMAINING CONTESTANTS, AS NONE OF THEM ARE FROM HIS TEAM

    6:13:58 a.m. –   Today happens to be both Paul McCartney AND Gunz’s birthdays.  If you’re looking for a gift for Gunz, you can get away with a bottle of just about anything short of after shave, so long as it has alcohol in it…although we’re pretty sure that, in a pinch, Gunzelman has been known to chug a bottle or two of ‘Old Spice’ in his day.  (However, he does prefer Aqua Velva with a splash of cranberry)   But with the ‘Cute Beatle’…what do you get for the man for whom when you sing ‘Happy Birthday’, he receives a residual payment for owning the publishing?

    “YOU CAN GO AHEAD AND SING IT…I’M RUNNING A SPECIAL THIS MONTH…YOU GET THREE PERFORMANCES OF ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’, ONE OF ‘FOR HE’S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW’, AND TWO ‘HAVA NEGILAS”

    6:40:18 a.m. –   Paul Begala is told to keep his nose clean, because Imus thinks he might need him to grease the wheels to slide Wyatt into the University of Texas.  The Wy-Man certainly is over-qualified academically, and he is probably going to get a full scholarship for Rodeo anyway…so, in our humble opinion, Begala might actually be a hindrance to matriculation.   If, however, Wyatt should find himself needing some ‘dry cleaning’ after a particularly raucous Fraternity Party, (You know, like for maybe…a soiled blue dress)  Paul would be the first call.  

    WYATT WITH HIS BROTHERS FROM ‘ROPE-A BIG-A CALF’ FRATERNITY

    7:05:58 a.m. –   Patrick McEnroe, who, back in the day, was ‘Our Warner’ before he was ‘Our Breen’,  pays a visit.  He was in the building to make an appearance on ‘Fox n’ Fiends’, the I-Man got wind of it, and sent Mr. McEnroe an email inviting him to stop by.  Of course the text of the email was more in the spirit of “Well, if you’re here anyway, why wouldn’t you not come on with us, you dumb bastard?”  The delightful Mr. McEnroe does just that…and within mere moments, reveals just why...the I-Man fired him and replaced him with Warner.

    PATRICK MCENROE: THE ‘TOMMY SMOTHERS’ OF TENNIS 

    (MOM DEFINITELY LIKED JOHN BEST)

    7:29:57 a.m. –  Imus reports on one of our fine Fox team members, Robert Cucchiaro, is leaving us for ‘greener pastures’, which, in this case would be ‘News 12 Long Island’.  They are a channel with the reputation of being… well, the ‘Tommy Smothers’ of Local News.  The I-Man is incredulous at Cucchiaro’s decision, as, in his estimation, (as well as that of any sane individual) News 12 is quite a step down from the National Cable Network of Fox Business.  Apparently, Robert’s decision is based on the fact that News 12 is closer to his home on Long Island, which would significantly reduce his commute.  Imus should relate to this way of thinking…where he broadcasts from out at the Ranch is less than a quarter of a mile from where he sleeps.  Which, apparently, is why he built the ranch there.

    YEAH…THEY’RE VIRTUALLY THE SAME

    7:39:17 a.m. – The lovely and brilliant Fox News Anchor, Martha MacCallum is on, (Who, by the way, News 12 would cut off one of its limbs to procure for their network), and Imus begins her interview asking her if she knew that he had vocal surgery.  There are Aborigine Medicine men who know that the I-Man had vocal surgery.  There are Japanese Soldiers still hiding in the jungles of Iwo Jima who believe World War II is still being fought…who have heard that he has Prostate Cancer.

    “LET ME GUESS…HIS THROAT HURTS.  I STOPPED LISTENING WHEN HE BEGAN WHINING ABOUT HIS BACK.”

    7:40:07 a.m. –  It’s not very long before the pointed line of questioning to Ms. MacCallum begins:  “How do you get along with Megyn Kelly?”  This is clearly, a transparent attempt to stir up some Dagen McDowell/Geri Willis tension between Martha and Megyn.  Martha doesn’t bite.  The boss moves on to the Syrian Conflict.  Ms. MacCallum says she doesn’t see the situation over there “Ending well.”  If she doesn’t come up with some dirt about her and Megyn Kelly, neither will this interview.

    MARTHA MACCALLUM.  WHO DOESN’T LOOK BAD FOR A 63 YEAR OLD MOTHER OF 12

    8:05:12 a.m. –  According to Dagen McDowell, ‘The Voice’ judge, Adam Levine, ‘Makes it move.’  She likes his tattoos.  So, for that matter, does Carley.  The ladies reveal that they are both fans of gentlemen who possess ‘Sleeve Ink’, tats from shoulder to wrist.  Who knew that women think guys who look like Circus Freaks are hot.  No wonder why Popeye needed so much Spinach…to beat off the women.  

    ACCORDING TO DAGEN, THIS GUY IS ‘H.O.T….DREAMY’

    8:07:09 a.m. –  Carley and Dagen also, it seems, have an affinity for men with beards.  Not the Joseph Abboud kind, we’re talking facial hair.  According to Carley, she likes the full on, Grizzly Adams, Duck Dynasty, ZZ Top style of beard.  Santa Claus is a very lucky man.  Upon hearing this about Carley, all the homeless men on the streets of New York let out a sigh of newly born hope.

    CARLEY LIKE IT?  THEN GANDALF BETTER PUT A RING ON IT.

    8:12:34 a.m. –  Imus has been trying to find out, all morning, just exactly how much rain they received out at the Ranch yesterday.  This prompts Warner to share a story about when he started out in broadcasting where…in addition to The Sports, he was also responsible for the Weather.  He would go out in the back of the station and stick a ruler in a tin can to measure the rainfall.  Then he would go back inside and light the gas lamps in the studio, tie a note with the weather information to a pigeon and send it off to the affiliates who would then light a fire to begin making the smoke signals for the morning’s broadcast.

    IT EITHER RAINED A LOT, OR THESE SCOUTS JUST PEED IN THOSE SODA BOTTLES (FROM THE SMILES ON THOSE FACES, WE CAN ONLY ASSUME…IT WAS A VERY SUNNY DAY)

    8:15:45 a.m. –  Imus reveals that in the early days of his career, he also wore a number of hats.  As he worked most shifts as the only person at the station, he would put on an extraordinarily long record, like Hey Jude or Inna Gadda Da Vida, so he could go next door to get coffee.  Of course, one day, he locked himself out of the studio.  This inspired him to create a 22 minute version of ‘Hey Jude’, where the chorus lasted for approximately 18 minutes.  And we assumed all this time that his ‘Na na na’ catchphrase was him imitating Wolfman Jack…who knew it was Paul McCartney?

    “HEY!  OPEN UP!  DAMMIT, I’M LOCKED OUT, YOU MORONS!  SOMEBODY OPEN THE &*^%ING DOOR!  THE RECORD’S ABOUT TO RUN OUT!  OH…YEAH.  I FORGOT.  I’M THE ONLY ONE HERE.”

    8:40:17 A.M. -  Dr. Walid Phares, whose ‘Wikipedia’ profile describes him as ‘A distinguished Middle East Scholar who is highly sought after by academia and governments for his expertise and understanding of the Global Jihadi threat, international terrorism, and Jihadist movements around the world.’  So, naturally, Imus’ first question to him will be “Have you seen the new Superman movie…and have you been watching ‘The Voice’?   

    DR. PHARES REALLY IS A FAN!

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIR PAUL McCARTNEY

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6azaG_c8yY

     

    Monday
    Jun172013

    Tiger's Dreadful Performance

    6:05:00 a.m. –   Despite the fact that the I-Man says he “Could NOT be in a worse mood”, the week gets off to a gleeful start, as he virtually… damn near audibly, ‘Kvells’ (Yiddish for ‘An over-abundance of delight’) over Tiger’s performance at the U.S. Open.  “When he got to 4 over par, I started rooting for 10 over…when he got to 10 over, I had a big old boner.”  As Woods finished at THIR-FREAKING-TEEN OVER, Mrs. Imus must be a very happy woman this morning. We suspect she can’t wait for the British Open.

    IF THE ‘WIDE WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS’ WAS STILL ON THE AIR…THIS WOULD BE THE CLIP THAT WOULD ACCOMPANY THE PHRASE ‘THE AGONY OF DEFEAT’  AH, SUCK IT UP, YA P*$$#!!!

    6:10:17 a.m. – During Connell’s very fine news report, a clip of former Vice President Dick Cheney weighing in on the Edward Snowden deal is played, prompting Imus to make the observation:  “He looks like the color of luggage.”

    THIS IS BAGGAGE YOU WOULDN’T MIND LOSING

    6:13:58 a.m. –   Tiger attempts to explain his dismal showing at the U.S. Open:  “I HIT THE BALL THE RIGHT DISTANCES, JUST NOT IN THE RIGHT AREAS.”  Yeah, well, Tiger, see…that’s the whole point of the game.  To get the ball in the right area.  Anybody can hit it the right distance.  The skill part of it is GETTING IT IN THE EFFING HOLE!  That’s like A-Rod saying, “I swung the bat, I just didn’t get it to connect to the ball.”  That’s like Kobe saying, “I bounced the ball off the backboard every time I shot…”   You wouldn’t want to be on an airplane that ‘Went the right distance’  but didn’t ‘Land in the right spot.’  

    “MISSED IT…BY THAT MUCH!”

    6:40:18 a.m. –   Bo Dietl is on to talk about the NSA spying controversy.  Bo has no problem with someone listening to his phone calls.  We tend to agree…who could understand him anyway?

    “WHAT THE HELL IS A ‘MUNCHATATION SITUATION’?”

    7:05:58 a.m. –   Warner saw Superman over the weekend, and has come to the conclusion that The Man of Steel, is Jewish.  He maintains that the ‘S’ on the chest of the costume is a ‘Chai’, which is the Hebrew letter that means ‘Life’.  Which means…if you’re on a train, and the bridge is out, and you are seconds away from hurtling into a ravine…if it’s after sundown on a Friday night…you’re basically…S.O.L.?   And by SOL we don’t mean the Jewish man’s name.  We mean ‘$#*^ OUT OF LUCK’. 

    7:11:24 a.m. –  We are beginning to gather some evidence that would serve to shed some light on why the I-Man is in such foul humor.  Somebody staying at the Ranch has parked their car in the middle of the road by the bunkhouse, and at 3 A.M., the Boss almost had an accident on his way to the studio…(despite the fact that he honked his horn, flashed his brights and gave the finger to the driverless vehicle.)  As if that brush with death weren’t enough, we learn that the Internet is down in Reader’s Digest New Mexico…so there is no way for the Boss to send his nasty emails or snippy texts to the minions of the ‘I-Nation’.   We don’t know if there’s enough money in the pool to continue paying Hughes Net of New Mexico to maintain the blackout, but…we enjoyed at least a blissful weekend of Cyber-Silence.  We are, however, considering a ‘Kickstarter’ campaign to see if we can’t squeeze another few days out before we go on vacation.

    ONE OF THESE GLOWING DOTS CONTAINS THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE: “MY THROAT HURTS…DO ANY OF YOU BASTARDS CARE?”

    7:16:57 a.m. –  Warner also goes on to say that he only went to see the movie was so he would be able to comment on it when Dagen, most certainly, would be doing a business story about it being the #1 Box Office Hit.   He ‘Took a Hit’ for the program.  Which means he sacrificed 2 ½ hours of his time…not take some blotter acid.

    WARNER ‘TAKES A HIT’ FOR THE PROGRAM: (Artist’s Rendering)

    “COME AWN…DON’T BOGART THAT JOINT!”

    7:39:17 a.m. – Anthony Mason is on to discuss Bob Schieffer’s brilliant Sunday Morning Rant about the NSA.  Imus asks Anthony if he has been following the Basketball Playoffs.  Mr. Mason reveals he’s not a big fan …which comes as a shock to us, considering the fact that he played for the NBA for 14 years.

    HE MIGHT NOT LOOK IT, BUT THIS GUY PROVES THAT

    “WHITE MEN CAN JUMP”!  * 

    7:49:11a.m. – The I-Man reveals that he received a Mont Blanc pen for Father’s Day.  Um…didn’t he give two Mont Blancs to Deirdre for…Mother’s Day?  Lucky for her he doesn’t remember.  We haven’t seen such seamless ‘Regifting’ since we passed off that Fruitcake to Aunt Dodie last Christmas.

    WITH THE INITIALS ‘D.I.’ ON IT, SHE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO GET IT RE-ENGRAVED

    8:11:12 a.m. – “Doesn’t Lou Dobbs seem as though he’s had a head injury?”  Bernie’s mentioning that Sarah Palin is returning to Fox, causes the I-Man to wax philosophical about various News Corp employees.   He LOVES Neil Cavuto, Sean Hannity,  Martha MacCallum and Megyn Kelly.   Dobbs, however, is not an I-Fave, but not because he’s had more lifts than a Jiffy Lube. Because he’s a moron.

    DOCILE…WOULDN’T HURT A FLY…HE DOES LOOK A LITTLE…SIMPLE, DOESN’T HE?  EVEN ‘TOUCHED’, PERHAPS?  WHATEVER THE CASE MAY BE, HE STILL DOESN’T THINK THAT THE U.S.A. SHOULD HAVE ALLOWED SUPERMAN TO TAKE UP RESIDENCY, AS…HE’S AN UNDOCUMENTED ALIEN

    8:29:34 a.m. –  During the briefing, the topic of ‘Ball Ironing’...a cosmetic surgery procedure that, essentially, undoes the wrinkles in a man’s scrotum.  George Clooney, apparently, has revealed that he had the process performed on his nugget pouch.   Imus surmises that it won’t be too long before WABC Radio’s Sales Manager, The Rev. Jonathan Mason, has one of these doctors on as a sponsor.  

    “THIS PORTION OF THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM, IS SPONSORED BY DR. MARK JENSEN, THE OFFICIAL ‘TACKLE TIGHTENER’ OF THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM.  MENTION THE WORD ‘IMUS’ AND GET 25% OFF A ‘SACK SMOOTHING’”

    8:40:17 A.M. -   Geri Willis is on to talk about the G8 Summit, but that isn’t what interests the I-Man.  He is more obsessed with what is, clearly, some major tension with her and Dagen.  Dagen has gone on record this morning, saying that she was looking forward to Ms. Willis’ appearance almost as much as she would the return of Real Housewife, (And Bona Fide B-Word) Bethenny Frankel.   An actual question from the interview, to illustrate he cares nothing about the topic, and only wants to fan the flames of resentment between the two co-workers:  “So…the G-8 is…us and seven other countries, right?”  Yes.  7 plus 1?  That would make 8.  “So like…the 3 Stooges…that would be…Moe and two other guys?”   Boy, nothing gets past the I-Man.

    C’MON, THERE’S NO ANIMOSITY BETWEEN THESE TWO LADIES!

     

    * Ordinarily, we wouldn’t feel the need to explain,  but for those of you who are not New York Knicks fans would not get the Anthony Mason reference…there are TWO famous people with that name.  One is an African American Basketball Player, the Other, a Prize Winning Journalist.    Neither of them are great interviews.

    ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF TWO FAMOUS PEOPLE WITH THE SAME NAME

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN LIGHT OF ‘MAN OF STEEL’ PULLING IN 125 MILLION AT THE BOX OFFICE THIS WEEKEND, AND WARNER’S SACRIFICING TWO AND A HALF HOURS OF HIS LIFE FOR THIS PROGRAM, (WHICH, CONSIDERING HOW HE REALLY DOESN’T HAVE THAT MANY HOURS LEFT, IS QUITE A SACRIFICE) WE OFFER ONE OF SUPERMAN’S BETTER MOMENTS

    (WHICH, OBVIOUSLY, DID NOT HAPPEN ON A FRIDAY NIGHT)

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xiwISrp1H4