6:05:00 a.m. – Today is ‘7-Eleven Day’, which is the annual appreciation of the largest operator, franchisor and licensor of 24 Hour convenience stores in the world. 50,000 Outlets World-Wide. That’s a lot of Big-Gulps, people…Mayor Bloomberg notwithstanding. To celebrate, today, between the hours of 11 a.m. and 7 P.M., (7-11, GET IT?) they will provide free 7.11 oz. (WE THINK WE SEE A PATTERN HERE…) sized cups of their signature, magnificently delightful, spectacularly sweet, fabulously frozen drink, the Slurpee. We just wish Porsche would offer a similarly-styled promotion.
NOW, IF WE COULD JUST GET A FREE FROZEN DRINK TO GO WITH THIS FREE PORSCHE, WE COULD PUT IT IN THIS CUP HOLDER, ODDLY PLACED UNDER THE EFFING SEAT…BUT THEN AGAIN, IF YOU OWN A PORSCHE, AND YOU ARE ACTUALLY DRINKING A SLURPEE WHILE BEHIND THE WHEEL…YOU HAVE MORE PRESSING PROBLEMS THAN THE CUP HOLDER BEING INCONVENIENTLY LOCATED…
6:10:17 a.m. – The I-Man banishes both Rob and Tony back to the Green Room, a ‘Time Out’ punishment suspension for their miserably failed performances yesterday. And so, we are, literally, ‘BEHIND’ …“Behind the Scenes”. It should prove to be a very educational morning, as we will experience the program much like any of the I-Man’s millions of listeners and viewers. Not that we’re surprised by the revelation, but…Damn! This is a GREAT program! Although something appears to be missing. Oh. Yeah. FREE SLURPEES!!
A FROZEN DRINK THAT IS OF A COLOR… NOT FOUND IN NATURE
6:11:22 a.m. – Connell reports on a new revelation concerning the Asiana Airlines crash in San Francisco the other day. Apparently, the pilot maintains that the tragic accident was due to the fact that he was momentarily ‘Blinded by the Light’. We don’t quite understand why a Springsteen Song is being used to explain the loss of control of a 777 Jet…but maybe the ‘Non-Sully’ should have been listening to the Manfred Mann cover version instead. Then again, if he’d just stuck with ‘Do Wah Diddy’ he wouldn’t have had a problem in the first place.
FLIGHT 214…IT’S HIS FAULT
6:32:58 a.m. – The Bernie Briefing. The lead story, incredulously, is Dustin Hoffman’s recollections about filming ‘Tootsie’ in 1982, and a personal epiphany he had, when, after getting into the drag costume and makeup for the first time, he broke down into tears when he realized he was NOT an attractive woman. Joseph Abboud had the very same problem the first time he put on a dress…
6:40:18 a.m. – K.T. McFarland is on, ostensibly to talk about Egypt, but somehow, winds up discussing Osama Bin-Laden instead, and how he was able to hide out by disguising himself…by wearing a cowboy hat. Hmmmm…you mean there was a tall, thin man, terrorizing people in a cowboy hat? That’s just crazy talk.
“DEATH TO THE INFIDEL FUZZY PEACH! NA NANA NA NA “
7:32:57 a.m. – The Bernie Briefing, with a story from the ‘You Can’t Make This $#*+ Up’ Department: A man in Hidalgo County, Texas, was arrested twice in three months, for having sex with a horse. The SAME horse. There is currently no bestiality law in Texas; however, the man COULD be charged with animal cruelty if it can be proven the stallion was hurt. Which would be bad for the horse, but a plus for the man’s ‘reputation’. We can only hope that the gentleman didn’t go ‘bareback’, and engaged in Safe Sex when he ‘mounted’ the steed.
“SON…I THINK IT’S TIME WE HAD A TALK ABOUT WHEN I MET YOUR MOTHER.”
7:39:11 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting. We begin with a discussion about Robin Thicke’s new controversial record, ‘Blurred Lines’. Evidently, lyrics like “You the hottest bitch in this place…you wanna hug me…what rhymes with hug me?” are posing a problem for the young singer. Let’s see…what DOES rhyme with ‘Hug me’? ‘Mug me’? ‘Slug Me’? ‘Drug Me’? ‘Plug Me’? Yeah, that’s it. ‘Plug me’. And then ‘Un-Plug Me’ And then ‘Plug Me’ again. Repeat…and then smoke a cigarette.
A SCREEN CAP FROM THE ‘BLURRED LINES’ VIDEO: WE KNOW WHAT RHYMES WITH ‘ROBIN THICKE’…WE’RE JUST NOT SURE IF HE HAS A BIG ONE OR NOT.
8:14:34 a.m. – Dagen offers Gunz some valuable fashion advice, and in doing so, also provides us with the ‘Line of the Morning’. “If you ever want to be inside of a woman again, DON’T EVER wear flip-flops.”
ANY CREATURE WITH TOES LIKE THIS…IS NOT ONLY NEVER GETTING LAID, BUT COULD ALSO HANG UPSIDE DOWN OFF A TREE
8:40:17 A.M. – The Great Colin Quinn is on. And we use the word ‘Great’ without irony, but rather, with deep respect and the utmost of sincerity. Colin is a comic’s comic. Comedians are the most insecure, cynical, negative, delusional, self-absorbed people on the planet. It is not enough for a Stand Up to do well, all his peers need to fail miserably; spectacularly, in fiery crashes that rival the ‘Burning Atlanta’ scene from ‘Gone With The Wind’. Colin is not one of those, and, when it comes to him, neither are we. We are genuinely happy for his well-deserved success. We just wish the son of a bitch wasn’t so damn funny, so Imus wouldn’t be able to use him as the benchmark to compare to our myriad of personal and professional deficiencies.
THE GREAT COLIN QUINN. &$#@ YOU AND YOUR OFF BROADWAY SHOW, FUNNY BOY
9:17:01 A.M. - Bernard shares a story that actually happened to him as he left the Fox Studios after the ‘Mensa Meeting’ this morning. Apparently, ‘Fox n’ Fiends’ had the You Tube Sensation, Two year Old ‘Trick Shot Titus’ for an outdoor segment with “Fn’F” host, Brian Kilmeade. After the toddler dazzled the audience with EIGHT shots in a row, Kilmeade tried to ‘Help Out’, by tossing the miniature basketball back to the little tyke…and, in doing so, proceeded to smack the kid in the face with it.
BRIAN KILMEADE: HE MADE A TODDLER CRY
VIDEO OF THE DAY
Today, “The Video Of The Day” is not a video at all, but rather, an audio clip from a podcast, featuring Colin Quinn at ‘The Moth’, with one of the All-Time Greatest Show Business Stories EVER. It’s a rare look at the inside of a Stand Up Comic’s Mind, and an uncanny recreation of what it feels like when you’re on stage…and bombing. It begins with Robert De Niro’s wife, hiring Colin to perform at her husband’s Birthday Party….