6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man is sorry he bought property in Texas because Ted Cruz is the representative in the Congress. In a related story, Ted Cruz is sorry he’s the Texas representative now that Imus has bought property there.
ALL THAT’S MISSING IS THE HOCKEY HELMET
6:06:12 a.m. – The Boss had Brant drive by the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree this morning, and has decided…it’s not all that impressive. It’s just… ‘Okay’. We agree. A forty foot tree in the middle of an ice rink in the middle of a teeming metropolis…meh. How could we make it something REALLY special? How about hanging Rockettes off the branches?
STOP KICKING AT GET UP ON THE DAMN TREE
6:17:34 a.m. – Sadly, we realize that Warner has become as cynical and jaded as the rest of us. He isn’t just happy that the Knicks are so terrible this season, he is actually gleeful that Mike Breen is suffering. He wants to see the ESPN Color man hang himself off the hoop.
DON’T DO IT, MIKEY…IT’S JUST A SHADOW…
6:40:46 a.m. – Doug Brinkley is on to discuss Nelson Mandela’s life, but spends an awful lot of time talking about the Danish Prime Minister. Apparently, he wouldn’t have to wait until closing time to take her home from the singles bar. In his humble opinion, she’s the best Danish export since…Herring.
THAT’S ONE SWEET DANISH BUTTER COOKIE
6:55:11 a.m. – The impossible has just happened. Starbucks has no coffee. You heard right. That’s like the Bunny Ranch not having any hookers. Apparently, the coffee grinder caught fire. So the I-Man was forced to drink an ‘Americano’. Which is espresso and water. Usually he drinks a Black Eye, which is espresso and coffee. Maybe if they put an extra shot of espresso into the ‘Americano’, it would be close to what he’s used to. We don’t know why they have espresso and NOT coffee, but maybe what’s missing is…the urine.
OKAY, SO THE COFFEE GRINDER CAUGHT ON FIRE…WHY DON’T YOU JUST OPEN UP A FEW BAGS, YOU MORONS?
7:05:15 a.m. – We learn the South African interpreter is a paranoid schizophrenic, prone to violence. So, let’s get this straight…you put a wack job who hears voices a foot away from the major leaders of the world…and you’re focusing on Michelle Obama making faces at her husband for leering at the Danish Prime Minister?
“PRESIDENT OBAMA SAYS…HE REALLY WANTS A CIGARETTE RIGHT NOW…”
7:17:15 a.m. – Dagen’s attraction to women is ‘troubling’ to Imus. We, however, find it to be something that should be whole-heartedly encouraged…like a child’s interest in art or music. In fact, we look forward to the day when Dagen’s ‘appreciation’ for the same sex blossoms to the point where she will demonstrate her fondness…live, on camera. Please, Baby Jesus…use all your Baby Jesus powers…
NOW, IF STEVE DOOCY WOULD JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY…
7:38:16 a.m. – Mensa Meeting. Mandatory Flu shots are coming to New York City. We watch with bated breath, waiting for the top of Deirdre’s head to explode.
WE CAN ONLY HOPE THAT SHE DOESN’T HEAR ABOUT THE MEAT MANDATE IN SCHOOL LUNCHES
8:01:02 a.m. – Carley has found another Starbucks…which is not an easy task in NYC, as there are only two on every Manhattan Street Corner. She was able to locate one that was down in the subway…which is most convenient, as there’s a much better chance of finding someone to urinate in Imus’ coffee.
CARLEY’S USUAL STARBUCKS…SANS COFFEE…THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF THE MORNING RUSH. APPARENTLY THERE ARE NOT THAT MANY FANS OF THEIR MOCHA CHAI LATTES.
8:05:12 a.m. – The I-Man asks us if we know why the Rodeo has become so popular over the past two or three years. It’s because of him. He started talking about it ever since Joe Beaver began training Wyatt. So you have yet one more thing to thank him for…along with Van Morrison’s ‘Astral Weeks’ album sales…the high ratings of the Eagles Documentary…and the availability of ‘Tofurkeys’.
YET ANOTHER OF THE MANY THINGS WHERE ITS SUCCESS IS DUE TO THE I-MAN
8:38:37 a.m. – Lori Rothman is on discussing how she has had to tell her children that they won’t be celebrating Christmas this year. It’s not that she isn’t filled with the Christmas Spirit, it’s just that…they’re Jewish.
SANTA’S REAL NAME IS ‘KRIS KRINGLEBERG’. WHO ELSE WOULD WORK ON CHRISTMAS EVE?
8:40:08 a.m. – The tradition of the ‘Elf on a Shelf’ is discussed. Imus is not familiar with the practice of the little stuffed pixie hiding around the house to watch children’s behavior and report back to Santa. It’s a good thing. The little bastard would wind up being thrown off the terrace of the Penthouse with a nine millimeter slug in his head.
YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE WHAT THEY DID WITH HIM NEXT…
9:01:02 a.m. – The I-Man asks Carley is she can cook. When you look like Carley the only thing you ever need to make…is reservations.
DON’T YOU EVEN LIFT A FINGER, CARLEY…WE WOULD GLADLY DO ALL THE COOKING
VIDEO OF THE DAY
A DIFFERENT KIND OF ADVENT CALENDAR
A NEW HOLIDAY TRADITION
THE ELF ON THE SHELF HAS BEEN NAUGHTY…