6:05:00 A.M. – The I-Man is taking this Friday off, as is his custom, (“Befitting a legend” says Bernie, sucking up like a Pilot Fish) and so Bernard is hosting…which, you wouldn’t know if it weren’t for the fact that he announces the fact with a few blasts of his trademark air horn. At least we’re assuming Bernard is hosting and not just a Cruise Ship docking next to the Intrepid.
THE TOILETS ARE GUARANTEED NOT TO WORK ON THIS VESSEL
6:08:56 A.M. – While reporting on Pac Man Jones’ claim that, if it weren’t for his suspensions he would have made 100 million dollars, Warner says that… “Well, if my mother had been a wheelbarrow she wouldn’t…” We think he means to invoke the adage: “If my grandmother had wheels, she’d be a wheelbarrow.” But… “If my mother had been a wheelbarrow…” Finish that thought, Warner. What if you mother were a wheelbarrow? Would you push her around the yard by her ankles?
“OKAY MA, I’M GOING TO PUT SOME BRICKS ON YOUR BACK NOW.”
6:15:44 A.M. – Bernie reports that ‘Deez Nuts’, a prank pseudonym for a presidential candidate created by a 15 year old farm boy, is polling well in North Carolina…certainly higher than Senator Lindsey Graham...who, as you might expect, is BELOW ‘Deez Nuts’. While the Poll…well, the way we’ve always understood it, is… ABOVE ‘Deez Nuts’. Unless of course the person possessing ‘Deez Nuts’ had been kicked in the crotch.
WE’D LIKE TO SUPPORT DEEZ NUTS
6:40:27 A.M. – Bernie’s favorite Congressman, Peter King, is on, and he believes that Hillary should’ve said up front what the story was with the Emails. Of course, if she had admitted the truth at the very beginning, she probably wouldn’t be in as much trouble as she is now. Then again…if she was a wheelbarrow…
HILLARY WIPING HER SERVER CLEANER THAN MONICA’S BLUE DRESS
…AND EMPLOYING A WHEELBARROW TO RID HER HOME OFFICE OF EVIDENCE, ALONG WITH THE SHOVEL SHE’LL USE TO HEAP THE PILE OF BULLSH*T SHE’LL BE USING IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE HER ASS FROM INDICTMENT
7:05:11 A.M. – Bernie is STILL carrying a grudge against Mayor Bolshevik Bill DeBlasio, for his plans to rid Times Square of the Topless Women…which, may even include closing the pedestrian plaza that was recently built. Which means there may not be a lot of time to check these babes out. In fact, we would recommend going today…as we are expecting heavy rain…and we don’t know that the paint is waterproof.
HOPEFULLY, THESE COLORS WILL RUN
7:15:37 A.M. – Bernie plays a few cuts from Bernie Sanders’ Album. Yes, that’s not a typo, the Socialist Candidate for President actually released a record called ‘We Shall Overcome’…a selection of Folk Songs that…well you could call it a ‘Spoken Word’ Album…if it weren’t for the fact that Bernie recites the lyrics…rhythmically. Which leads us to believe that’s his actual singing voice.
IT DIDN’T GO ‘PLATINUM’, IT DIDN’T GO ‘GOLD’…IT DIDN’T EVEN GO ‘LEAD’
7:22:44 A.M. – The term ‘Anchor Babies’ is discussed, as Bernie believes it’s ‘Much Ado About Nothing.’ We, however, strongly believe this practice should be stopped. Immediately.
AN ANCHOR BABY DROPS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ATLANTIC
THIS IS WRONG. JUST…WRONG
7:38:26 A.M. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS where Gunz states that Johnny Manziel is his idol. Makes sense. They’re both too short to play for the NFL.
GUNZ EMULATING HIS PETITE HERO
7:39:59 A.M. – The boys discuss Tiger Woods having a great appearance at the Wyndham Championship. Despite the fact that it’s a Chump Championship.
TIGER TEEING OFF ON THE CHALLENGING, 11TH HOLE, PAR FOUR, ‘WYNDHAM WINDMILL’
(AT WHICH, HE CHOKED AND TRIPLE BOGEYED)
7:41:37 A.M. – The topic of John McEnroe’s chances of beating Serena Williams is brought up, and Warner says that interviewed Chris Evert, who said she played her husband, John Lloyd, and he beat her EVERY TIME. No matter how good she was, she said, he would always win because he’s a man. Of course, that was back in the days when they played tennis with wooden racquets…when the question was whether or not Renee’ Richards could beat herself in a tennis match.
IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL ‘MIXED DOUBLES’?
7:45:16 A.M. – Bigger Douche? Brian Cashman vs. Roy Jones. A guy for telling future Yankee Hall of Famer Derek Jeter he’d rather have Troy Tulowitzki, OR a guy asking Vladimir Putin for Russian Citizenship.
“YO, FYODOR…WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME IT WAS SO MUTHAF@CKIN’ COLD UP IN THIS BITCH?”
8:09:34 A.M. – Noam Laden, who is filling in on the News for Connell today, reports that North Korea has given South Korea until 5 PM today, (North Korea Time) to stop blaring criticisms of Kim Jong Un’s regime on loudspeakers over the border. We can only imagine how nasty these propaganda-laden messages must be: “Over here we have KIA’s with Bluetooth. Over there, you got man with ONE tooth riding an ox.” “You like your Dog? Well, over here you don’t have to eat it.” “We have nuclear power. You don’t even have cable.”
ONE OF KIM’S STAFF ENJOYING LUNCH
8:39:43 A.M. – Alan Colmes has phoned in, apparently, non-plussed by yesterday’s PSYCHOS where Deirdre beat on him like a Rented, Red-Headed, Step Mule. He and Bernie have a spirited debate over wide range of subjects, including Bernie Sanders running a positive campaign, Hillary’s ‘You’ve Got Mail’ controversy, and Donald Trump’s ascendency. This is an unusual situation for Alan to find himself in, as usually, when he’s on the program, it’s with Deirdre, Bernie, Curtis Sliwa and Bo Dietl, who treat him as though he was being jumped into a gang.
“ISN’T THERE AN EASIER WAY TO INITIATE ME INTO THE GROUP? LIKE I HAVE TO CARRY SOME ORGANIC SOYBEANS IN MY PANTS, OR SOMETHING?”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
ADOLF…IS NOT A FAN OF TRUMP’S