Member Nav

The Mensa Meeting 

The Imus Ranch

Wyatt Wins!

Support The Deirdre Imus Environmental Health Center

We are and always have been committed to protecting the most innocent among  us and preserving a healthy future for us all.  Join us and make a tax-deductable donation today.  As a thank you for your minimum donation of $25, we'll send you a signed copy of The New York Times bestseller, The Imus Ranch Cooking for Kids and Cowboys... Click Here

 

Follow Us On

  
Recent Guests:
    Thursday
    Mar062014

    FRT (Fired and Rehired Thursday)

    6:05:10 a.m. – Rob and Tony are fired.

    6:06:12 a.m. – Rob and Tony are re-hired.   They stop filling out their Unemployment Insurance applications.

    ‘PREVIOUS POSITION’:  ROB PUT ‘FAT LOSER’

    6:07:14 a.m. – The I-Man has made some running changes to the ‘Might Be Elvis’ segment.  Panelists are not allowed to pick a song from an album on the Top 10 of iTunes.  Tony will be submitting a song off the Temptations last album….something he bought at a gas station on cassette in 1978.

    ONE THING’S FOR SURE…IT’S DEFINITELY NOT ON THE CHARTS

    6:15:30 a.m. – Tony asks the Boss for some clarification on the new rules for song submissions.  Does the I-Man mean the iTunes Top Ten?  Or the Top Ten in each of the genres?  Because Pharrell is NOWHERE to be found on the Country Chart.

    DON’T LET THE HAT FOOL YOU.  HE IS NOT A COUNTRY ARTIST

    6:43:46 a.m. – Mike Baker is the guest, but the I-Man gets to him late…because he’s been going on about nuthin’.   He says that Mr. Baker should be in the studio right now.  What he doesn’t know is…Mike IS  in the studio right now.  In a concealed position with a strategic vantage point.  He’s assessing the situation…with a laser scope. 

    NO, IMUS IS NOT HINDU…AND THAT DOT IS NOT JELLY

    6:47:15 a.m. –  The I-Man emails Rob, (Who is back in the Green Room, writing this very fine blog) to find out how many calories are in the oatmeal he just ate.  Rob, unfortunately, does not look at his cellphone, as he has weaned himself off his addiction to it, since they were banned in the studio by the I-Man a few months ago.  Even now, as we write at 7:35 A.M., (even though the entry is for 6:47 A.M., as we’ve been busy trying to do things that will improve the program) Rob has STILL not received the email.  Regardless, the I-Man, patient sort that he is, Googles it himself…as he is ALWAYS on his cell phone, sometimes during segments of the program.  He finds out that it’s 350 calories without the sugar, which he does not use, but with the nuts and berries he adds.  Normally, when Carley gets the oatmeal, it’s only 300 calories, as there’s usually urine in it, which means there is less oatmeal.  Sorry.  We mean FEWER oatmeal.

    GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS: BAD NEWS IS ROB HAS PEED IN THE BOSS’ OATMEAL.  THE GOOD NEWS?  ROB HAS A KIDNEY PROBLEM SO THERE’S PROTEIN IN HIS PEE

    7:12:15 a.m. –  “New policy…I’m only putting people on with books if I like the book…or I like the person.” The I-Man proclaims.  Quick translation:  There will be no more authors on the show.

    SORRY, SAM…WE’RE SURE THIS ‘HUCKLEBERRY’ BOOK OF YOURS IS GREAT, BUT…THE I-MAN AIN’T READING IT

    7:40:34 a.m. –  The Mensa Meeting, or, as we call the panel, “Rafts You Can Use When The Great Flood Finally Comes Again.”  Both the I-Man and the D-Woman say that if the Presidential Election were today…they would vote for Hillary Clinton.   Let us repeat that.  Both the I-Man and the D-Woman say that if the Presidential Election were today…they would vote for Hillary Clinton.   We call Dr. Bill to get the weather report in Hell.  We think the Polar Vortex may have infiltrated the Bottomless Inferno of Despair.

    “HEY BEEZLEBUB…IS IT ME, OR IS IT CHILLY IN HERE?  MY HORNS AND TAIL ARE FROSTBITTEN!”

    8:03:06 a.m. – Connell reads a story about I-Fave Mitch Modell, of Modell’s Sporting Goods, spying on his competition, Dick’s Sporting Goods.  Mitch, apparently, went around posing as a Dick’s executive.   How many filthy headlines can YOU come up with for this story?

    “Mitch Modell Spies on Dicks” – “Mitch Modell Intimidated By Dicks” – “Mo’s Interested In Dicks.”  “Sporting Goods CEO Wants To Know Why Dicks Is So Big”. 

    MITCH MODEL UNDERCOVER, IN DISGUISE,

    IN THE ‘HOCKEY EQUIPMENT’ DEPARTMENT AT DICK’S

    8:07:14 a.m. –  Earlier, Imus had asked Lori Rothman, the Business Update Babe on the 12th Floor, (And who gives ‘Perky’ a new meaning), if she’s been to any good concerts lately.  The next time he goes to her, she tells the I-Man she looked it up on The Village Voice dot com, and Paul Simon and Sting are playing together at Madison Square Garden tonight.  (She neglects to mention she found out there was also a ‘Swinger’s Party’ happening in Soho) She plans on attending the concert tonight.  She should have NO problem getting tickets for that one, right?  Day of?  And Face Value, too.  Maybe she could stand in front of the Garden and wait for intermission, when there’s a mass Exodus after Paul Simon is done with his portion of the show, before Sting goes on…only problem is…she’d probably be noticed as the rest of the Garden would be, well…empty.  What are we trying to say here?  Sting sucks.  And Paul Simon could record the 1-877 Kars for Kids commercials, and we’d buy it.

    UNFORTUNATELY, THEY ARE PLAYING TOGETHER, AT THE SAME TIME.  IS THERE ANY WAY YOU CAN TUNE OUT HALF OF A DUET?

    8:26:14 a.m. – Imus asks Tony if NFL Contracts are guaranteed. Tony replies that ‘Only the signing bonus, and essentially the first year are guaranteed, the rest of the contract is not.’  Warner pipes up and says that Peyton Manning’s contract is guaranteed.  According to Bleacher Report, Manning is only covered if he passes the physical.  Which, is not guaranteed, especially if Peyton has been up the night before, eating pizza with Papa John. 

    “NOW REF, ARE YOU SURE NONE OF THE STUFF IN THIS SAUCE IS GOING TO SHOW UP IN A URINE TEST?  I GOT SOME OATMEAL I GOTTA ‘FIX’ ” 

    8:33:14 a.m. –  Bernie reports a story about a New Mexican woman who was arrested for hitting her mother in the head with a vibrator.  We’re not sure whose vibrator it was, however, which would change the story considerably depending upon that information.

    “DAMMIT, MOM, I TOLD YOU TO PUT IT BACK WHERE YOU FOUND IT WHEN YOU WERE DONE!”

    8:45:14 a.m. – The I-Man lays into Arthur Aidala for not appearing in Studio live this morning.  Aidala informs the Boss that he told Meghan, when she was booking him, that he was good every day EXCEPT Thursday, which is the morning he drives his son to school…the ONLY day he gets to spend any time with his boy…  “Oh.” Says the I-Man.  “Never mind.”  He fires Meghan for the transgression.

    8:48:14 a.m. – He rehires Meghan.  She’s forced to abruptly cut off her celebration.  She turns off the music, and the cork goes back in the champagne bottle.

    SORRY, MEGHAN.  THE PARTY’S OVER.

    9:03:10 A.M. – It’s revealed that Dr. Bill Evans was a minor league baseball player, an infielder for the Lynchburg Braves, the Carolina League Atlanta Braves Farm Team.  No Triple A ball, but…he was very successful in that he had a ‘sixth sense’ when it came to notifying the Grounds Crew when to “Roll out that Rain Delay Tarp”.

    DR. BILL SUPERVISES THE GROUNDS CREW.  (THAT’S HIM UNDER THE TARP ROLL…GOOD THING HE HAD HIS CATCHER’S GEAR ON)

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    JEREMY OLDFIELD IS JUST A LITTLE TOO EXCITED ABOUT OATMEAL…AND TAKES TWO DAYS TO MAKE A BOWL.  AND HE DOESN’T EVEN PEE IN IT.

    FRANKLY, WE PREFER TO LET THE QUAKER DUDE TAKE CARE OF IT

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pT8IaxL6jtg

     

     

     

    Wednesday
    Mar052014

    The Power of the I-Man

    6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man is oozing “Juice”, and by that, we mean ‘Power’ and not ‘Drool’, as is his normal state.  He singlehandedly got Richard “Kinky Big Dick” Friedman into a runoff in the Texas Primary for Agriculture Czar, along with Leif Babin’s Dad, Brian, for Congress.  He also got Dan Jenkins’ memoir ‘His Ownself’, from 100 thousand something to 700.  It WILL be a number one New York Times Bestseller…why?  BECAUSE THE I-MAN HAS THE POWER! 

    AND HE’S HOLDING A COPY OF DAN JENKINS’ BOOK BETWEEN HIS LEGS

    6:06:12 a.m. –   Imus recently discovered Lyle Lovett’s 1996 masterpiece “Road to Ensenada”.  That’s the I-Man for ya…as powerful as he is…and still takes the time to seek out the hot trends.  Apparently, there’s a quartet out of Liverpool he’s really hot on. 

    THE LIVERPOOL STRING QUARTET: JEAN, PAULINE, GEORGE AND REGGIE

    6:22:01 a.m. –  Dagen throws Rob under the bus…actually, according to Tony, it looked like she’d ‘Tossed a Dwarf’.  She does a story about airlines cracking down on oversize carry on bags.  “Some of ‘em are bigger n’ Rob!”  Oooh!  Snap!  Nice one, ‘Not So Mini Pearl’

    IT’S NOT LIKE HE’S GOING TO FIT UNDERNEATH THE SEAT IN FRONT OF YOU

    6:40:46 a.m. – Stuart Varney has put ‘Gordon Lightfoot’ on his Musical Mt. Rushmore…which is sort of fitting, as all four of the figures on the real Mt. Rushmore are emblematic of Lightfoot’s demographic.  Imus doesn’t know why, but when he hears the name ‘Gordon Lightfoot’, he thinks of ‘Lake Erie’…oh, maybe it’s because Lightfoot’s biggest hit concerned a certain ship known as the ‘Edmund Fitzgerald’.  You’d think the I-Man would respond to the pneumonic…seeing as how he’s a pretty big ‘Wreck’ himself. 

     

    WHICH ONE IS THE CRAZY SENILE OLD COOT…AND WHICH ONE IS GORDON LIGHTFOOT

    7:07:14 a.m. –  Rob has been sent to the Green Room to compose a witty retort to Dagen’s gratuitous fat joke.  He decided not to respond in kind immediately, as he wanted to take the time to create a comeback that wouldn’t be vile, offensive, misogynistic and WAY over the line.  Yah.  Like that is EVER going to happen.

    ROB GOES TO THE ‘REFERENCE RACK’ IN THE GREEN ROOM TO DO RESEARCH FOR HIS ‘DICE’ PIECE ON DAGEN

    7:12:15 a.m. –  The I-Man wants to know why Connell and Bernie aren’t sporting their fireplaces on their forehead.  They mention that it’s kind of hard to find a priest at two o’clock in the morning.  The I-Man is incredulous, as he used to be able to get women from the escort service to come over in Nun costumes at any ungodly hour.  Rob says they could’ve just done what he used to do…have his father put out his cigar on their faces.

    “REMEMBER THAT YOU CAME FROM DUST AND TO DUST YOU WILL RETURN.”  NOW THERE’S AN UPLIFTING THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    7:17:34 a.m. –   They Wy-Man tries to hoodwink his Dad with a ‘Might Be Elvis’ song that’s already #5 on iTunes… ‘Heaven Knows’ by The Pretty Reckless.  He could have picked something from the past century and would’ve been able to put one over him.

    ‘BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO’ BY THE HARMANIACS IS #3 ON THE ‘NOSTALGIA’ CHARTS

    7:36:34 a.m. –  Blonde on Blonde gets off to a rocky start, as Deirdre responds to a report that a High Protein, Atkins Style, Diet is equivalent to smoking.  Her elderly Aunt maintains that meat is good for you.  Especially Pork, which is a mainstay of her diet, which is why she looks so good for 87 years old.

    LIS, ENJOYING HER MID-DAY SNACK OF A POUND OF BACON

    8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man wants an EXACT forecast for the weather in Huntsville, Brenham, and someplace else in Texas.  Why he just doesn’t buy a Farmer’s Almanac, we don’t know.  He’ll need one when it comes time to plant that Marijuana Patch he’s planning for his new ranch.  Oops!  We shouldn’t have said that.  He was planning on telling Mrs. Hank Snow that it was organic kale.  At least if you’re going to eat nothing but salad…you might as well REALLY enjoy it.

    THE NEW FLAG FOR THE ‘NOT SO LONE’ STAR STATE

    8:12:24 a.m. – Dr. Brian Babin and Kinky Friedman both call in so the I-Man can congratulate himself for dragging their butts over the line.  Dr. Babin thanks the Boss for the support.  Kinky, however, who is more self-absorbed than Matthew McConaughey at a mirror factory, neglects to offer his appreciation…he really DOES think it was all because of him.  We will see what happens come Election Day, when the I-Man switches his allegiance to whatever guy who’s leading the polls is.

    “UM…KINKY…WHAT WAS HIS NAME?  WHITMAN?  ISN’T HE THE ONE WHO SHOT ALL THOSE KIDS FROM THAT TOWER AT THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS?”

    8:26:14 a.m. – Deirdre doesn’t support the I-Man’s Hemp Aspirations.  She texts him, ‘What the F^%k is wrong with you?  You’re not growing that $#!+ on our ranch.’  First of all, we’re taken aback by the response.  But then we realize that the I-Man has never really been able to grow…ANYTHING.  As far as the ‘What the F^%k is wrong with you?’ remark is concerned…we don’t have the time, nor the space to devote to that particular answer.

    “HEY PEPINO!  THAT BUD ISN’T GOING TO PICK ITSELF!”

    8:40:14 a.m. – The Boss has been cautioned by ‘Bigfoot’ not to let Rob do his Dice/Dagen script.  The I-man notes that is a little on the ‘vile’ side…which is SO unlike the Dice character.  Perhaps we should let Dan Jenkins read it…that will at least ensure that nobody will laugh at such filth.

    HE’S OVER WAY OVER THERE NOW.

    9:05:10 A.M.- In light of the I-Man’s irritation with our assessment of Dan Jenkins, we realize that we have been extra hard on the man, who, is, admittedly, a literary genius.  And this has nothing to do with the fact that he refuses to plug our appearance at the Tarrytown Music Hall on March 22nd.  (Tickets available at tarrytownmusichall.org)  To be fair, Dan Jenkins’ ‘His Ownself’ is truly a brilliantly funny book.  Just don’t get it ‘on tape’…and play it in the car while you’re driving.  You will either fall asleep, or point the Buick in the direction of the nearest Bridge Abutment.

        

                               YES                   DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY

     

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY:

    LYLE LOVETT WITH THE TITLE TRACK FROM HIS MUSICAL MASTERPIECE:

    ‘THE ROAD TO ENSENADA’

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjAZfpmD5qo 

    Tuesday
    Mar042014

    Yet Another Yukfest

    6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man reveals that Wyatt needed to explain the Ukraine Situation to him.  Pretty soon, Wyatt will need to explain to the Boss that the dog’s name is Virgil…and that his name is Wyatt…and that the woman in the kitchen making the organic Kale Loaf is…his daughter.

    HIS BRAIN ISN’T THE ONLY THING THAT’S SHRINKING

    6:16:12 a.m. –   Mike Breen sounds positively despondent after the lowly Pistons DESTROYED the Knicks.  We think we might have to put him on Suicide Watch, or at least get him to seek ‘Battered Fan’s’ Counseling. 

    ‘BILL FROM WHITE PLAINS’ ENTERS ‘KNICK REHAB’

    (NOTICE HE’S ALL ORANGE AND BLUE.  WELL, BLACK AND BLUE)

    6:40:46 a.m. –  Hip Hop Mogul and Fashion Magnate, Russell Simmons is on to discuss his new book about meditation…he does so 40 minutes a day, in two 20 minute segments…which is easy to do when you wipe yourself with 100 dollar bills.  He offers an easy mantra for folks who would like to attempt meditation:  “Rum….Rum…Rummmmm.”  Imus meditates every morning for 20 minutes when he first gets up as he’s done for the past 30 years.  The difference is, back in the 80’s, his mantra was ‘Vodka…vodka….vodka…’

    MAHARISHI IN THE MORNING

    7:05:15 a.m. –  “Does anybody look better after plastic surgery?”  the I-Man asks a philosophic question for us to ponder.  We offer the following list:  Jane Fonda.  Marilyn Monroe.  And any burn victim lucky enough to get a graft from Kenny Roger’s eye skin.

    MRS. CHUA SUNG KOONG, PRESIDENT OF THE THAILAND KENNY ROGERS FAN CLUB,                AT A RECENT ‘KENNYFEST’

    7:17:34 a.m. –   Happy 45th Birthday to Chaz Bono, who, sadly, is still waiting for his penis to come in.  Like Pinnochio, he wants to be a ‘Real Live Boy’.   And he wants his ‘Wood’ to be authentic.

    “SIT ON MY FACE AND I’LL TELL A LIE…AND THEN TELL THE TRUTH…AND THEN TELL A LIE…THEN THE TRUTH…”

    7:46:34 a.m. – Hollywood & Vine.  Reidel drops more names than Dick Cavett at Mort Sahl’s cocktail party.  No matter WHO is talked about, Reidel maintains that they are “A Friend of Mine”.   Which is different than a “Friend of Ours”, which would indicate they were ‘Made’.  For example… ‘A Friend of Mine’ is Stephen Sondheim.  ‘A Friend of Ours’, is Vinnie the Chin Gigante.  Although they both spend a lot of time stumbling around in a bathrobe, completely clueless.

            A ‘FRIEND OF OURS’                         ‘A FRIEND OF MINE’

    8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man says that reading Dan Jenkins’ ‘Semi-Tough’ was a seminal moment in his life.  Much like people remember the Kennedy Assassination, he remembers where he was when he read the first page of Mr. Jenkins’ hilarious novel…sitting on a bench in a parking garage across the street from NBC.  Where he would later return to sleep.  Which is pretty ‘Semi-Tough’ in its’ own right.

    THE I-MAN HAS ALWAYS LIKED TO READ BEFORE HE GOES TO SLEEP.  THE BOOK SERVES AS A MAKESHIFT PILLOW

    8:12:24 a.m. –  Imus says that Dan Jenkins has had an extraordinary life…and he’s still living it…unless something happens this morning.  Like he should happen to listen to Imus talk about Joe Beaver again…in which case Mr. Jenkins might sit in the bathtub and drop the hair dryer into the water.

    “EIGHT TIME WORLD CHAMPIONNNNNNNN…!”

    8:40:14 a.m. –  Dan Jenkins is on, and Imus acts like a school girl at a One Direction concert.  He has promoted Mr. Jenkins appearance all morning, and hyped him to be the greatest sportswriter of our time, and one of the funniest people on the planet.  Well, one out of two ain’t bad.  We assume it was just early in Texas.  Maybe you have to be drunk and coked up to really appreciate the inherent comedic genius of Dan Jenkins. 

    THE FUNNY SPORTSWRITERS MT. RUSHMORE

    (NOTICE HOW THE THREE GENTLEMEN TO MR. JENKINS’ RIGHT, GRANTLAND RICE,              HERBERT WIND AND BERNARD DARWIN… AREN’T LAUGHING)

    9:05:10 A.M. –  Imus acts surprised to learn that we did not find Mr. Jenkins the ‘Yukfest’ that he promised he would be.  We would say that he wasn’t even as funny as Ron White, but that would be a lie.  Dead Puppies are funnier than Ron White. Maybe we’re being overly critical, as we didn’t get a chance to meditate this morning.  The I-Man bristles at our assessment, and says that Jenkins is “…a writer!  He’s not going to be appearing at Caroline’s or the Ha Ha Hut.”  Dagen says that he couldn’t even hold court at Golden Corral Steakhouse. In other words, he’s not even ‘Denny’s Funny’.  We understand that being a writer is different than being a stand up comedian… well, perhaps he should write something down that is funny and we can read it.  Preferably on a bench in a Parking Lot in Rockefeller Center.   

    AND THERE’S AN ‘ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET’, TOO!

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

     

    PUPPETJI SHOWS US HOW WE CAN ACHIEVE “TRUEMEDITATION, EVEN IN THE CITY

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5Z_EoyO_F8

    Monday
    Mar032014

    What About Rob?

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man watched ‘The American’, the one-day, 2 Million Dollar rodeo, and said it was the best thing he’s ever seen on T.V.  And he saw Elvis and the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, The Moon Landings, and coverage of the French and Indian War.

    EVEN WITH MUSKET TO MUSKET COVERAGE, NBC STILL CAME IN THIRD

    6:06:12 a.m. –   Dagen listened to the Car Race on the radio.  ON THE RADIO.  Next thing you know, she’ll be tuning into shows with Mimes and Magicians.

    ‘BOBO’, THE MORNING MAN ON WSHH RADIO

    6:16:32 a.m. –   We learn that Joe Beaver did not use Wyatt’s Horse ‘Marconi’ at ‘The American’ yesterday, the 2 Million Dollar Rodeo.  Instead, he used Mike Arnold’s horse, ‘Luther’, who, the I-Man says, “Is older than I am.” Maybe if he’d used ‘Marconi’, he could’ve put up something better than a 9.6.

    WE DON’T KNOW WHY IT TOOK HIM SO LONG TO GET OFF, SEEING AS HOW CLOSE HIS FEET WERE TO THE GROUND.

    6:40:01 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on, and he says he saw ‘Gravity’ and it didn’t belong on the list of nominees for Best Picture, as he hates George Clooney.  He’s not in a good mood, as Scorcese screwed him on tickets to the Academy Awards last night.  He watched the show from his booth at Rao’s, where the other patrons are not too happy at Scorcese ‘Losing to that Mexican’.  However, when Cuaron’s name is announced , there is a huge cheer from the kitchen.

    BO ‘GRAVITATING’

    7:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man announces that we are going to have an ‘On Air Production Meeting’, which will be just like our usual Production Meetings, with all the violent threats intact, but with none of the foul language. 

    “LET ME TELL YOU MUDDLE FUDGERS, SOMETHING…IF YOU DON’T GET YOUR MELON FARMING SHEET TOGETHER, I’M GOING TO FORGING FIRE YOU!”

    7:12:15 a.m. –  It’s revealed that Warner, and his wife Sue, went to the French West Indies on vacation.  They spent the week in St. Bart’s where they participated in ‘Drunk Kayaking’.  Sue did some waterskiing, and Warner says she’s so good at it, she can hold the tow rope in her teeth.  Which is not something that Warner can do.

    THE LAST TIME WARNER WATERSKIIED, THESE WERE FISHED OUT OF THE WATER BY A JAPANESE TUNA TRAWLER

    7:25:50 a.m. –  The I-Man observes that his hair is getting too long, not an opinion shared by his Amish Stylist, Brother Ezekiel.

    “VEE BISH DOO, BROTHER IMUS…I THINK THEE LOOK FABULOUS!”

    7:46:34 a.m. – We have our production meeting.  The segment is going to be called ‘What About Rob?’ as Rob has been removed from the very segment that was created especially for him.  It will feature Tony, Dagen, Lou and Trevor, our audio engineer.  Rob is none too happy that ‘The Help’ is getting a segment, while he’s going to be remanded to the Green Room.  What he doesn’t know is, the Latvian woman who cleans the bathroom is going to be added to ‘Hollywood & Vine’.

    “I HOPING THAT MICHAEL REIDEL NO SING…NO GOOD THE SINGING.”

    8:05:10 a.m. – Warner confuses Yannick Noah, with his basketball playing son Joakim.  Which is actually an improvement, as he once confused Yannick with ‘The guy who had the boat with all the animals on it.’

    “BUT LORD, IF WE BRING THE ELEPHANTS, THERE WILL BE NO ROOM FOR THE TENNIS COURT ON THE SHIP!”

    8:12:14 a.m. – Remember when we said the new segment would be called ‘What about Rob?’  Yeah.  Well, about that.  We’re going back to ‘It Might Be Elvis’.  Which Tony says sounds like a Jeopardy Category.

    “UM… ‘WHAT ABOUT ELVIS?  THAT WAS IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION.”

    8:18:36 a.m. – The Boss is obsessing over the lyrics to Lyle Lovett’s ‘The Road to Ensenada’.  On first glance, it appears to be just another one of those ‘Down on His Luck, Broke, Drinking Too Much, Guys Who Is Stuck in Mexico Nursing a Broken Heart’ songs.  Jesus.  It’s not like it’s ‘Hotel California.’   Or, for that matter, ‘McArthur Park’.  Obviously, someone’s ‘Left The I-Man’s Cake Out In The Rain’

    “I DON’T THINK THAT I CAN TAKE IT, COS’ IT TOOK SO LONG TO BAKE IT, AND I’LL NEVER HAVE THAT RECIPE AGAIN….OH NOOOOO!”  HEY.  WE REALIZE YOU’RE JUST A BOX BOY, BUT…IT’S JUST A F$#%ING CAKE.

    8:44:14 a.m. –  Mark Levin is the guest, but is late for his interview, saying that he’s ‘Having Trouble’ with his phone.  Gee, Mark, the NSA hasn’t had any trouble with it for the past couple of months.  They want you to know that when you order Chinese Takeout for Delivery, that you should use ‘Lucky House’ instead of ‘Jade Garden’, because they don’t use MSG.  And, oh yeah, Obama says ‘Hello’.

    “HEY, UH…ERIC?  DID YOU TAKE CARE OF THAT…UH…THING?”

     “WHAT THING?”

     “YOU KNOW, THAT UH…RADIO THING…THE ‘GREAT’ THING.”

    “OHHHH, THAT ‘THING’.  OH YEAH, BOSS.  IT’S DONE.  YOU WON’T HEAR FROM HIM NO MORE.”

    9:05:14 a.m. – The Great Dan Jenkins is going to be on tomorrow, a man who Imus believes is the “Greatest Sportswriter Ever”, much to the chagrin of Mike Lupica.  The 80 year old Jenkins will be phoning in tomorrow…um…TWO old farts on the phone attempting to converse?  “What?”  “What?”  “What did you say?”  “I thought you asked ME.”  “What?”   Warner isn’t even 80 yet and you see how well that goes.

    APPARENTLY, MR. JENKINS IS A ‘SCRATCH’ GOLFER, WHICH USED TO MEAN HE HAD A ZERO HANDICAP, BUT NOW MEANS THAT HE’S SUFFERING FROM SHINGLES

    9:07:10 A.M. -   Imus promos tomorrow’s ‘Hollywood & Vine’, and reminds Rob that he “Won’t be part of it.”  Rob takes the rejection as well as you might think.  He leaves the studio to cough, and returns with an AK-47.

    “WHO DOESN’T HAVE A SEGMENT NOW, BITCHES?”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

      FOR THOSE OF WHO WHO ALWAYS WONDERED WHY ‘DIGNEY FIGNUS’ AND ‘KAZINO’ NEVER REALLY BROKE OUT…HERE’S DICK CLARK’S ‘RATE A RECORD’, THE ORIGINAL ‘MIGHT BE ELVIS’

    (NOT THAT ROB’S NOT IN THIS ONE EITHER)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1wmOLttbrI 

    Friday
    Feb282014

    The Camp New Joy Radiothon

    6:05:10 a.m. – Today the I-Man lends his considerable power and influence to an endeavor, so worthy… ‘It’s stupid’, to quote the I-Man.  The idea’s not stupid…it’s just stupid nobody tried to come up with this idea before.  The Reverend Jonathan Mason, our Sales Czar at WABC, has created “Camp New Joy”, a place where kids who have no role models, and are defined by just their zip code, will be given a ‘Hand Up’ and not a ‘Hand Out’.  They will be provided with structure and discipline, and have their self-esteem restored.  The number to call is 1-855-6 New Joy.  (Or 855-663-9569)  Or Text 56512, or go to http://www.campnewjoy.org/

    THE REVEREND JONATHAN MASON

    6:06:12 a.m. –   Connell reads the news, and plays a clip of the inspirational speech President Obama gave at the White House yesterday for his “My Brother’s Keeper Initiative” for young men of color.  In the speech, he relates his experience as a troubled teen.  “I got high.” He shares.  “Pretty good, a President of the United States admitting he got high” the I-Man observes.  No, “I tried it, I didn’t like it, and I didn’t inhale” jive from Obama.  The President has demonstrated the concept of… “If you can’t find a role model…BE one.”

    “UNLIKE SOME POLITICIANS, I CAN ADMIT A MISTAKE” – NELSON MANDELA

    THE PRESIDENT INSPIRES AMERICA’S YOUTH THROUGH THE BENEFIT OF HIS OWN EXPERIENCE

    6:30:01 a.m. – The I-Man and the Rev discuss the late, great G.E. Patterson, a truly gifted preacher, one who, the Rev admits, he has been inspired by, as well.  The only difference is, when the Rev says he’s been ‘inspired’ by Bishop Patterson, he means he’s copped some sermon ideas.  In other words, he’s stealing material.  From a dead Preacher.  Well, it’s not like Bishop Patterson’s going to do anything about it now. 

    “LORD, FORGIVE BROTHER MASON…FOR HE KNOWS NOT WHAT HE DOES. 

    THAT’S RIGHT…HE’S STUPID!”

    6:40:46 a.m. – Alvin Darling and Celebration perform.  Reverend Mason has brought some Church up in here.  A pretty good way to start the morning.  After listening to them…you don’t need any coffee.

    AMEN.

    7:12:15 a.m. –  Just when we thought we were going to have a ‘Rodeo Free’ day, the I-Man is talking about Joe Beaver and ‘The American’.  Again.  It pains us to say this, but we would rather listen to him tell the ‘Mama T’ story again.  We will call 1-855-New Joy…and pledge ANYTHING…just to get him to shut up.

    70 YEAR OLD BARREL RACER, JUNE HOLEMAN, HAS QUALIFIED FOR ‘THE AMERICAN’

    (MS. HOLEMAN IS ON THE LEFT)

    7:17:34 a.m. –  Cowboy Tuf Cooper, (Son of Roper Roy Cooper, and A Certified Pantload by the I-Man) has guaranteed a win at ‘The American’ this Sunday.  “Losing is not an option.”  He says.  Um…Tuf?  Losing is ALWAYS an option.  And one you might find you’re forced to take on Sunday.  It’s not pretty when you’re taunted by a Calf:  “Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah…you MISSED me!”

    HEY TUF!  WHERE’S THE BIKER, THE COP, THE INDIAN AND THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER?

    7:46:34 a.m. – Alvin Darling and ‘Celebration’ perform ‘America The Beautiful’.  After that rendition, Vladimir Putin would apply for U.S. Citizenship.

    “I NEVER KNEW THAT FREEDOM…COULD MAKE A MAN SING LIKE THAT.”

    8:26:14 a.m. – MORE Alvin Darling and ‘Celebration’.  There hasn’t been this much joy and positive energy in the studio…since…EVER.   The I-Man might just spontaneously combust.  And not in the ‘Gay’ Way.

    HELLFIRE!  THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!  OUT, DEMON, OUT! 

    9:05:10 A.M. -   Imus wants Tony to come up with a ‘Rap Name’ for him.  ‘Walk D.O.A.’, ‘CWA: ‘Cowboys With Attitude’ and ‘Old Stupid Bastard’ don’t feel right…then…blinding inspiration:

    ‘Old Wheezy’

    “IT’S LIKE A NURSING HOME, SOMETIMES…IT MAKES ME WONDER…HOW I KEEP FROM GOIN’ UNDER.”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A LITTLE PRAISE SONG TO SET YOU OFF ON YOUR WEEKEND

    COURTESY OF ALVIN DARLING AND ‘CELEBRATION’

     

    DON’T FORGET TO CALL

    1-855-6 New Joy.  (855-663-9569)

    Or Text 56512,

    Or Go to http://www.campnewjoy.org/