Inside Imus Control Center

Rob & Tony's

Behind the Scenes Blog

-Wednesday, April 23-0 Comments
-Wednesday, April 23-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man happily reports that this past Monday’s ‘Might Be Elvis’ was the highest rated hour of THE ENTIRE BROADCAST DAY. Rob claims that he is responsibl ...
-Tuesday, April 22-0 Comments
-Tuesday, April 22-0 Comments
5:55:10 a.m. – My Pillow Michael Lindell is here, back in the Green Room with us, awaiting his appearance on the program this morning. He drove straight through from Philadelphia at 3 A.M. ...
-Monday, April 21-0 Comments
-Monday, April 21-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – In honor of Queen Elizabeth’s 88 TH Birthday, the I-Man has decided to wear his hair like her. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN 6:07:24 a.m. – Warner reports that Masai ...

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    Thursday
    Jul112013

    Free Slurpee Day

    6:05:00 a.m. –   Today is ‘7-Eleven Day’, which is the annual appreciation of the largest operator, franchisor and licensor of 24 Hour convenience stores in the world.  50,000 Outlets World-Wide.  That’s a lot of Big-Gulps, people…Mayor Bloomberg notwithstanding.  To celebrate, today, between the hours of 11 a.m. and 7 P.M., (7-11, GET IT?) they will provide free 7.11 oz. (WE THINK WE SEE A PATTERN HERE…) sized cups of their signature, magnificently delightful, spectacularly sweet, fabulously frozen drink, the Slurpee.   We just wish Porsche would offer a similarly-styled promotion.

    NOW, IF WE COULD JUST GET A FREE FROZEN DRINK TO GO WITH THIS FREE PORSCHE, WE COULD PUT IT IN THIS CUP HOLDER, ODDLY PLACED UNDER THE EFFING SEAT…BUT THEN AGAIN, IF YOU OWN A PORSCHE, AND YOU ARE ACTUALLY DRINKING A SLURPEE WHILE BEHIND THE WHEEL…YOU HAVE MORE PRESSING PROBLEMS THAN THE CUP HOLDER BEING INCONVENIENTLY LOCATED…

    6:10:17 a.m. – The I-Man banishes both Rob and Tony back to the Green Room, a ‘Time Out’ punishment suspension for their miserably failed performances yesterday. And so, we are, literally, ‘BEHIND’ …“Behind the Scenes”. It should prove to be a very educational morning, as we will experience the program much like any of the I-Man’s millions of listeners and viewers.  Not that we’re surprised by the revelation, but…Damn!  This is a GREAT program!  Although something appears to be missing.  Oh.  Yeah.   FREE SLURPEES!!

    A FROZEN DRINK THAT IS OF A COLOR… NOT FOUND IN NATURE

    6:11:22 a.m. –  Connell reports on a new revelation concerning the Asiana Airlines crash in San Francisco the other day.  Apparently, the pilot maintains that the tragic accident was due to the fact that he was momentarily ‘Blinded by the Light’.  We don’t quite understand why a Springsteen Song is being used to explain the loss of control of a 777 Jet…but maybe the ‘Non-Sully’ should have been listening to the Manfred Mann cover version instead.  Then again, if he’d just stuck with ‘Do Wah Diddy’ he wouldn’t have had a problem in the first place.

    FLIGHT 214…IT’S HIS FAULT

    6:32:58 a.m. – The Bernie Briefing.  The lead story, incredulously, is Dustin Hoffman’s recollections about filming ‘Tootsie’ in 1982, and a personal epiphany he had, when, after getting into the drag costume and makeup for the first time, he broke down into tears when he realized he was NOT an attractive woman.  Joseph Abboud had the very same problem the first time he put on a dress…

    ‘JOSEFINA’…ABBOUD

    6:40:18 a.m. – K.T. McFarland is on, ostensibly to talk about Egypt, but somehow, winds up discussing Osama Bin-Laden instead, and how he was able to hide out by disguising himself…by wearing a cowboy hat. Hmmmm…you mean there was a tall, thin man, terrorizing people in a cowboy hat?   That’s just crazy talk.

    “DEATH TO THE INFIDEL FUZZY PEACH!  NA NANA NA NA “

    7:32:57 a.m. –  The Bernie Briefing, with a story from the ‘You Can’t Make This $#*+ Up’ Department: A man in Hidalgo County, Texas, was arrested twice in three months, for having sex with a horse.  The SAME horse.  There is currently no bestiality law in Texas; however, the man COULD be charged with animal cruelty if it can be proven the stallion was hurt.  Which would be bad for the horse, but a plus for the man’s ‘reputation’.  We can only hope that the gentleman didn’t go ‘bareback’, and engaged in Safe Sex when he ‘mounted’ the steed. 

    “SON…I THINK IT’S TIME WE HAD A TALK ABOUT WHEN I MET YOUR MOTHER.”

    7:39:11 a.m. –   The Mensa Meeting.  We begin with a discussion about Robin Thicke’s new controversial record, ‘Blurred Lines’.   Evidently, lyrics like “You the hottest bitch in this place…you wanna hug me…what rhymes with hug me?” are posing a problem for the young singer.  Let’s see…what DOES rhyme with ‘Hug me’?  ‘Mug me’?  ‘Slug Me’?  ‘Drug Me’?  ‘Plug Me’?  Yeah, that’s it.  ‘Plug me’.  And then ‘Un-Plug Me’   And then ‘Plug Me’ again.  Repeat…and then smoke a cigarette.

    A SCREEN CAP FROM THE ‘BLURRED LINES’ VIDEO:  WE KNOW WHAT RHYMES WITH ‘ROBIN THICKE’…WE’RE JUST NOT SURE IF HE HAS A BIG ONE OR NOT.

    8:14:34 a.m. – Dagen offers Gunz some valuable fashion advice, and in doing so, also provides us with the ‘Line of the Morning’.  “If you ever want to be inside of a woman again, DON’T EVER wear flip-flops.”

    ANY CREATURE WITH TOES LIKE THIS…IS NOT ONLY NEVER GETTING LAID, BUT COULD ALSO HANG UPSIDE DOWN OFF A TREE

    8:40:17 A.M. – The Great Colin Quinn is on.  And we use the word ‘Great’ without irony, but rather, with deep respect and the utmost of sincerity.  Colin is a comic’s comic.  Comedians are the most insecure, cynical, negative, delusional, self-absorbed people on the planet.  It is not enough for a Stand Up to do well, all his peers need to fail miserably; spectacularly, in fiery crashes that rival the ‘Burning Atlanta’ scene from ‘Gone With The Wind’.  Colin is not one of those, and, when it comes to him, neither are we.  We are genuinely happy for his well-deserved success.  We just wish the son of a bitch wasn’t so damn funny, so Imus wouldn’t be able to use him as the benchmark to compare to our myriad of personal and professional deficiencies. 

    THE GREAT COLIN QUINN.  &$#@ YOU AND YOUR OFF BROADWAY SHOW, FUNNY BOY

    9:17:01 A.M. -  Bernard shares a story that actually happened to him as he left the Fox Studios after the ‘Mensa Meeting’ this morning.  Apparently, ‘Fox n’ Fiends’ had the You Tube Sensation, Two year Old ‘Trick Shot Titus’ for an outdoor segment with “Fn’F” host, Brian Kilmeade.  After the toddler dazzled the audience with EIGHT shots in a row, Kilmeade tried to ‘Help Out’, by tossing the miniature basketball back to the little tyke…and, in doing so, proceeded to smack the kid in the face with it. 

    BRIAN KILMEADE: HE MADE A TODDLER CRY

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Today, “The Video Of The Day” is not a video at all, but rather, an audio clip from a podcast, featuring Colin Quinn at ‘The Moth’, with one of the All-Time Greatest Show Business Stories EVER.  It’s a rare look at the inside of a Stand Up Comic’s Mind, and an uncanny recreation of what it feels like when you’re on stage…and bombing.  It begins with Robert De Niro’s wife, hiring Colin to perform at her husband’s Birthday Party….

    FROM SNL: COLIN QUINN AS ROBERT DENIRO

    http://bethschacter.com/uncategorized/colin-quinn-on-the-moth-dying-at-deniros-birthday/

     

    Wednesday
    Jul102013

    The I-Man Wears What He Wants

    6:05:00 a.m. –    The I-Man is living up to his pledge to wear whatever he finds in his Ranch closet. This morning, he’s sporting a shirt from the 1980’s.  A Lucchese denim cowboy shirt from the… ‘Village People’ collection.

    THE ‘WELL WORN’ LOOK.  WHAT THE ‘WELL WORN’ COWBOY IS WEARING THESE DAYS

    6:10:17 a.m. –  “Deirdre told me that, yesterday, I was wearing ‘Mom Jeans’.  What are ‘Mom Jeans’?”    Well, basically, they’re dungarees from Lucchese’s… ‘Village People’ collection. 

    THE ‘I-MOM’ IN HIS ‘JEANS’

    6:23:58 a.m. –  “The worst car dealership in the world is ‘Larry H.  Miller Hyundai’ in Albuquerque, New Mexico.”  Apparently, the I-Man has purchased a car for his adopted son, Zach, from the automobile outfit there, and they refused to take his Black Titanium American Express Card as payment.   They DID, however see fit to put a THREE THOUSAND DOLLAR DOWN PAYMENT on it, and then, when Imus provided a check for the full, cash amount for the car, said it would take a few weeks for them to refund the 3 K.  Um…who do they think they’re dealing with here?  If they will screw the I-Man, what do you think they will do to mouthbreathers like us?  If you would like to find out just what would happen if you were to purchase a car from Larry H. Miller Hyundai, you should call them at 866-685-5594.  Call often.  And make sure you ask all the questions you need to have answered.  Don’t worry about keeping them on the phone, they are deeply committed to customer satisfaction.

    LARRY H. MILLER HYUNDAI:

    THE SINGLE WORST CAR DEALERSHIP IN THE WORLD 

    CALL LARRY HIMSELF.  866-685-5594. 

    WE’RE SURE HE’D LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU

    6:40:18 a.m. –   Stuart Varney is incensed, he is one of those ‘Clapton is God’ dudes, and so he’s in a ‘Brit Snit’ due to Imus’ refusal to acknowledge “Slowhand’s”  guitar brilliance.  Stuart’s gotta take it down a few notches.  Clapton can play guitar, sure, but Stevie Ray Vaughan he’s not.  Neither, unfortunately, is Mr. Varney.

    HOW ABOUT A HELICOPTER RIDE, STUART?

    7:02:57 a.m. –  Imus’ ‘take away’ from the Zimmerman trial after the judge walked out of the proceedings after 12 hours of testimony: “Hey Warner?  She missed Jeopardy!”

    “WHO IS JUDGE DEBRA NELSON?”

    7:07:38 a.m. –  Imus relates the story about Nat sending an email over the vacation…not to wish Wyatt good luck in the Rodeo Nationals, or to see how the I-Man might be feeling, seeing as how he had just had throat surgery prior to the break, but to ask for tickets to this year’s All Star Game at Citifield.  Imus is incensed by the insensitivity of our Stage Manager, Mr. Candido, and vows that, although he could easily email Mets owner Jeff Wilpon to wrangle a couple of tickets to the event, he will not…because Nat is such a phony.

    THE ONLY WAY NAT IS GOING TO THE ALL STAR GAME

    7:17:38 a.m. –  Dagen makes the point that Nat WASN’T being a phony, in that, he did NOT bother to suck up with insincere inquiries about the family, but rather, merely got right to his agenda, which was to see if he could score some ducats to the game.  “Good Point” Imus realizes…and immediately sends an email to Mr. Wilpon on Nat’s behalf.   Wilpon responds:  “Nat who?”  Jeff is obviously, a ‘Big Fan’ of the program.

    “I JUST GOT AN EMAIL FROM IMUS…I REALLY DON’T WANT TO OPEN IT…WHAT AM I GONNA DO?”

    7:41:38 a.m. –  Blonde on Blonde, or, as we like to call it… “Please, God, Make It Stop!”  Lis Wiehl actually refers to Anthony Weiner’s lack of judgment as ‘The Sending of The Wiener’.   Sounds like the title of a Robert Ludlum novel.

    THE LATEST IN LUDLUM’S ‘BOURNE’ SERIES, A CRACKLING, WHITE KNUCKLE, EDGE OF YOUR SEAT THRILLER INVOLVING THE TEXTING OF DIGITIALLY ENCRYPTED PENIS PHOTOS

    7:42: 19 a.m. –  Now might be a good time to start calling Larry H. Miller Hyundai to inquire as to why they’re such ‘Dope Dicks’ to customers.  They’re probably not open yet, but we’re sure you could leave a voicemail.  Or a couple of hundred voicemails, actually.     866-685-5594.   Ask for Larry. He’s there to help.

    DOESN’T HE LOOK HAPPY TO HAVE YOUR BUSINESS?  THAT’S A FACE THAT JUST SCREAMS ‘CUSTOMER SERVICE!’

    7:44:12 –  There are puppies in the studio at the Ranch.  Dagen and Delbert, the two new Great Pyrenees Puppies.  Not that it’s difficult to ignore Lis during any given ‘Blonde on Blonde’ segment, but…there’s PUPPIES IN THE STUDIO!

    “WHITE ON WHITE” DURING “BLONDE ON BLONDE”  IT’S LIKE THERE’S NOBODY ELSE IN THE ROOM…(NOW, YOU MIGHT NOTICE THAT THERE ARE THREE PUPPIES HERE…WELL, APPARENTLY, IT DIDN’T TAKE TOO LONG FOR DAGEN AND DELBERT TO ‘GET BUSY’, FORTUNATELY, THEY’RE NOT FROM THE SAME LITTER, SO, YOU KNOW, YOU’RE NOT GONNA WIND UP WITH SOME ‘SHORT BUS’ PUPPIES)

    8:01:22a.m. –   Dr. Bill Evans tells Imus about the Radar showing there being a possibility for there to be thunderstorms later on this afternoon…and that says that his “Pekinese may wind up under the bed.”.  “They’re not Pekinese, numb nuts.  They’re Pyrenees.”  We wonder what’s hiding under Dr. Bill’s bed.

    DR. BILL REALIZES, FAR TOO LATE,

    THAT HE SHOULD HAVE WORN HIS ‘ADULT DIAPER GEAR’

    8:17:34 a.m. –   Wilpon finally relents and coughs up the tickets for the I-Man to give to Nat.  Jeff clearly must owe the Boss for SOMETHING.  Nat responds to this incredible good fortune by sending Imus an incredibly insincere suck up ‘Thank You’ email.  In which, he actually uses the phrase:  “YOU MADE MY LIFE!!”  It’s enough to make you vomit.  Actually, it’s enough to make Imus decide to give the tickets to somebody else.

    SO CLOSE, NAT…SO CLOSE

    8:40:17 A.M. – After an inadequate performance from Tony as ‘Little Richard’, (“Jesus, you write this &#*^, you’d think you’d be able to perform it!”) Rob, as Larry King, begins his bit, not realizing he is not wearing his fake ‘Larry King’ glasses…but as there are no lenses in them, he is under the false assumption that he is, indeed wearing them, his vision being unchanged.  Yet another example of him screwing the I-Man.  The lack of specs causes a spectacle, and Imus proceeds to solicit auditions for “Replacement Comedians”.  Bernie suggests that perhaps the Boss is overreacting just a little bit.  Nevertheless, resumes immediately begin arriving at the Ranch Studio.  There is no shortage of comedians who are more than willing to put the fat bastard out of business.

    DAVE BONFIGLIO, A REGULAR AT GOTHAM COMEDY CLUB, DOES A GREAT  LARRY KING…AND AT LEAST HE REMEMBERS TO WEAR THE EFFING GLASSES

    9:17:01 A.M. -  After being thrown out of the studio by the I-Man, Rob has breakfast.

     ROB WASHED A HANDFUL OF THESE BABIES DOWN WITH A LARGE GLASS OF BOURBON.  AFTER ALL, IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY

    9:32:56A.M. -  We’re relatively sure that Larry H. Miller Hyundai is now officially open for business at this point. You really should call to see about their deposit refunding policies.   866-685-5594.   

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    WHAT THE FOLKS AT LARRY H. MILLER HYUNDAI IN ALBERQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO, (866-685-5594)   CAN LOOK FORWARD TO, IF THEY DON’T REFUND THAT 3 THOUSAND DOLLARS BY FIVE O’CLOCK TONIGHT, COURTESY OF STEWIE GRIFFIN OF ‘FAMILY GUY’

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzKAut3sVrw

     

     

    Tuesday
    Jul092013

    Duh!

    6:05:00 a.m. –    Yesterday, the I-Man went to the Santa Fe Airport to pick up his two new Great Pyrenees puppies, Dagen and Delbert.  Deirdre said that, before returning to the Ranch, they needed to stop at the Pet Store to purchase some ‘Wee Wee Pads’, to house train the dogs.  A half an hour later, she returned to the car with a shopping cart FILLED with 600 dollars worth of the effing things.  To be fair, some of them WERE for Imus.  He’s not quite house trained yet…and, as Wyatt has already informed him, he will soon be needing a leash.

    “MOVE OVER, POPS…I GOTTA TAKE A LEAK.”

    6:10:17 a.m. – Connell reports a story about the Ohio Kidnap victims from a couple months back…it seems that the three ladies made a You Tube video to thank their family and friends for their support during the ordeal.  Imus makes the observation that he wouldn’t be surprised if Scott Salotto might not have some people tied up in his basement.   

    “BE NICE AND DON’T SAY ANYTHING GRANDPA, AND I WILL TAKE YOUR LEG IRONS OFF LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO GO MAKE PEE PEE.”

    6:23:58 a.m. –  Warner has what could, quite possibly, be one of the greatest sports stories…EVER.  A true ‘Die-Hard’ Cleveland Browns fan put a final request in his will for six active Browns players to act as Pallbearers at his funeral, so that, in his words, “They can let me down ONE more time.”

    CLEVELAND BROWNS PALLBEARERS…ABOUT TO FUMBLE THE CASKET

    6:40:18 a.m. –   Author, Historian, and I-Fave, Doug Brinkley is the guest, ostensibly to talk about something about Presidents…but the conversation, somehow, devolves into a discussion about the quality of the water in Upstate New York.   That, somehow, leads to a conversation about Levon Helm.  NOW he has our attention.  We love a guy who can segue’ from presidential politics, to the water table, to beloved rock music figures.

    TRUST US…THESE THREE THINGS ARE CONNECTED

    7:01:57 a.m. – The aforementioned, potential hostage taker, Scott Salotto, reports on an experiment conducted by NYPD Scientists to test the Subway System’s airflow.  This is information which would be useful, should there be a terrorist initiated poisonous gas attack.  Today they will flood the tunnels throughout with concentrated, ‘non-poisonous’ gasses…hourly.  We think they could save thousands of dollars and countless hours of effort by merely treating the homeless who populate the A-Train line with free Taco Bell.

    7:15:38 a.m. –  “Glenn Beck needs to be put to sleep”.  This observation is made by the I-Man based upon Beck’s theory that Teresa Heinz faked her illness to cover for her husband spending the weekend on his yacht while there was a military takeover in Egypt.  Perhaps not put to sleep, but, given the involvement of the boat, perhaps he should be given what, in Gangland parlance, is known as ‘The Natalie Wood Treatment’.

    “HEY GLENN?  YOU OKAY, DUDE?”

    7:39:17 a.m. – Thor.  Brad Thor.  A great guest who also gets the rare ‘Carley & Nat Seal of Approval’, which is given only to those who show friendly compassion in the Green Room to the ‘Underlings’.  Tony, unfortunately, mistakes Brad for the Norse God of Thunder from ‘The Avengers’ movie…because Tony, well…is a moron.

    DON’T LET THE HAMMER FOOL YOU.  DEEP DOWN, HE’S A ‘LOVELY GUY’

    8:05:34 a.m. –   The ‘Oft Married’, and ‘Frequently Maligned’,  Lis Wiehl has sent the I-Man an email, in response to his complaining that we do not have anyone covering the Zimmerman trial.  She points out that she is a former federal prosecutor, legal analyst, and correspondent, who has been providing ‘Gavel to Gavel’ coverage of the trial for Fox News…and sees fit to end the missive with… “Duh”.   “Oh no she di-int.”  (“Oh yes she di-id.”)  Things might get a little ugly tomorrow during the popular ‘Blonde on Blonde’ segment.  Lis will wish she was Jodi Arias before the morning is over.

    “DUH”…INDEED

    8:11:17 A.M. -  Despite Lis’ offer to provide her legal expertise and perspective, we hold out for a ‘Real Lawyer’, and Anna-Sigga Nicolazzi is summoned to the phone, and she affords us with a concise, intelligent, insightful and well-expressed account of exactly what’s happening with the Zimmerman trial.  Unfortunately, she’s just on the phone.  So we can’t turn the sound down…which we will certainly be doing tomorrow when Lis is in the studio with us.

    ANNA SIGGA NICOLAZZI…SHE NOT ONLY PASSED THE BAR, SHE’S ALSO SET IT AWFULLY HIGH. IN OTHER WORDS: COMPLETELY OUT OF GUNZ’S LEAGUE

    8:14:27 A.M. -  During Dagen’s ‘Very Fine Business Report’, next Monday, July 15th, will be a very special day…THE RETURN OF THE HOSTESS TWINKIE!!!!  The company, under new management, will proudly put the Holiest of Holies back on the shelves, and the I-Man declares that we will have a ‘Taste Test’ with ‘Fat Elvis’.  This news causes Rob to momentarily lose consciousness.   After reviving him with some smelling salts, Tony informs the Fat Bastard that, yes, indeed, he DID hear correctly.  There will be a Taste Test of the Twinkies with ‘Fat Elvis’ next Monday morning.  At which point, Rob faints again.

    THESE PARTICULAR TWINKIES WERE BAKED ON JULY 15TH 1973…AND THEY TASTE JUST AS GOOD TODAY AS THEY DID 40 YEARS AGO.  IS THAT BECAUSE OF SOME HIDEOUS CHEMICAL PRESERVATIVES?  OR JUST PLAIN, OLD, ‘CREAMY GOODNESS’

    8:18:17 A.M. -  Warner weighs in on the Home Run Derby:  “Let’s get some REAL pitchers, throwing spitballs, brush backs, throwing real heat, hitting batters, knocking players down…”  It’s clear that Warner has already opened the ‘Box O’ Wine’ for today.  Either that, or after years of doing Sports for the Imus in the Morning Program, he has finally succumbed, and passed over to the ‘Dark Side’.

    WARNER’S APOCALYPTIC VISION OF THE ALL-STAR GAME’S “HOME RUN DERBY”

    8:39:17 A.M. -  Bob Beckel regales us with “Tales from the 1980’s”, the days before he was clean and sober, and still procuring the services of ‘Professional Female Companionship’.  Apparently, back in the day, ol’ Bob was quite the ‘Playa’…we have images of him using his trademark suspenders to bind women to the headboards on the beds of hotel rooms…for a small additional fee.

    WOULD YOU WANT A NAKED, SWEATY, VERSION OF THIS ON TOP OF YOU?  

    WE DIDN’T THINK SO.

    9:02:01 A.M. -  “Meteorolgphsyrtwqdst”, Dr. Bill Evans, says that he’s been enjoying the program this morning, acknowledging what he considers a highlight: The Anna Sigga Nicolazzi interview.  He also says that he always enjoys the I-Man’s comments on News and Weather.   We’re not sure, but we suspect he may be sucking up for All Star Game Tickets like Nat Candido.

    DR. BILL EVANS DISPLAYING HOW HE DEALS WITH THE STRESS OF BEING THE OFFICIAL “METEOROLWQYFSDXCVBKIST” FOR THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM: BY CHOKING A SMALL DOG

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

     

     Some people are born great,

    Some achieve greatness,

    While some have greatness thrust upon them  

    Takeru Kobayashi is…great.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5oY5FYULoU

     

    Monday
    Jul082013

    And He's Back!

    6:05:00 a.m. –   We return after our two week vacation, refreshed, renewed and restored… excited about the prospect of new beginnings.  The I-Man begins the week with a positive thought… “There are a couple of things I never have to do again.”   We think he is referring to his throat surgery, or perhaps his rehab stay 27 years ago this month…but no, he means he will never have to go to Gallup, New Mexico again.  The Imuses were there over the vacation to cheer on Wyatt in the National Jr. Rodeo finals, where the young lad won over FIVE thousand dollars.   If the Calf Roping Prodigy continues to improve, the I-Man might actually be able to retire in a couple of years.

     WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT TO RETURN TO THIS BEAUTIFULLY PASTORAL LOCATION?

    6:10:17 a.m. – Warner catches us up on the sports happenings over the past two weeks, most notably, Long Time Celtics coach Doc Rivers moving on to the L.A. Lakers…the only problem with that is…Rivers is now coach of the Clippers…not the Lakers.  But to be fair…it IS the same city.  And they DO play in the same building.  And they are both basketball teams.  Which, considering it’s Warner…isn’t always a ‘sure thing’.

    GLENN ‘DOC’ RIVERS, SOMEWHAT ANNOYED WITH WARNER WOLF.  HEY, DOC, IT COULD BE WORSE.  WARNER COULD’VE REFERRED TO YOU AS ‘DR. J’

    6:23:58 a.m. – Warner, on Wimbledon:  “The first set of Djokovic and Murray reminded me of the Hagler/Hearns fight.”   We assume that Warner made the connection when after the third serve, Murray had to take a standing eight count.

    HEARNS OFTEN USED A TENNIS BALL TO WORK ON HIS ‘STANCE’

    (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    6:40:18 a.m. –   After informing us that he has actually been in a flying simulator,  where he engaged a computer-generated scenario of a clear day landing at San Francisco International Airport, Bo Dietl provides some advice to pilots:  “Don’t cut your power when you’re making you final approach.” We are pleasantly surprised at Bo’s expert take on the matter.  Our advice would simply be “Try not to crash.”

    HOW HARD COULD IT BE?  EVEN A BLOW UP DOLL CAN DO IT.

    7:17:57 a.m. –  A discussion of Carmello Anthony’s wife, La La, and her ‘tasting like Honey Nut Cheerios’ transpires…which causes us to speculate about what flavor the I-Man would favor, if Deirdre were to be asked what breakfast cereal he would call to mind on the palate.  We are thinking, purely from a texture standpoint, the answer would be ‘Shredded Wheat’.

    THE I-MAN.  CEREAL LOVER.

    7:25:38 a.m. –  Warner shares a story about driving on Route 66 back when he was a young, upcoming sportscaster, looking for work. It sounds like a screenplay.  Apparently, he was driving from D.C. to L.A., and somewhere around Tucumcari, New Mexico, he got drunk on St. Patrick’s Day.  The inebriatio must have inspired him to look up an old family friend, Red Skelton, when he got to California.  Apparently, Red used to work with Warner’s parents, Jack and Rose, in Vaudeville.  According to Warner, they were quite close.  He was granted an audience with the comedy legend, and when showed Red a photo of his folks from ‘Back in the day.’  Red looked at the photo, looked at Warner…and then walked away.   Boy, that Warner sure knows how to tell a story.  He’s the embodiment of the old Show Business axiom… ‘Always leave ‘em wanting more.’’  Except with him, we would modify the adage to read  ‘Always leave them with…AT THE VERY LEAST, AN EFFING POINT!’

    “NICE PICTURE OF YOUR PARENTS.  DID IT COME WITH THE WALLET?  GOOD NIGHT…AND GOD BLESS.  NOW GET OUT.”

    7:39:17 a.m. – Juan Williams is on to discuss current events.  The I-Man has not watched TV or read the news for a couple of weeks…which would leave him particularly clueless about the state of the world…if it weren’t for the fact that he’s pretty clueless even when he reads the New York Times and watches Neil Cavuto. Juan attempts to bring the boss up to speed…however, it soon becomes apparent that the only burning question on Imus’ mind is why there isn’t a F%$#ing  ‘Full Service’ Starbucks in Gallup, New Mexico. 

    STARBUCKS PROPOSED AD CAMPAIGN FOR THE GALLUP, NEW MEXICO MARKET

    8:05:34 a.m. –   While talking about the tragic plane crash in San Francisco over the weekend, and why the pilot did not have much experience flying a 777 aircraft, Imus relates a story about a trip on the I-Jet.   Returning to Teterboro from Santa Fe on a Citation 10, he wandered up to the cockpit to find the pilots reading the flight manual.  A concerned I-Man wondered why they needed to ‘brush up’ while actually in the air, but we all surmise that they were quite proficient at the controls of the plane…they just pulled out the manuals and pretended to study just so they could avoid having to actually speak to the old fool.

    “UM…HI THERE, I-MAN…LISTEN, WE’D LOVE TO CHAT, BUT WE’RE KIND OF BUSY RIGHT NOW…THERE’S THIS LITTLE FLASHING RED LIGHT THAT SAYS ‘WARNING’, AND WE’RE NOT SURE WHAT IT MEANS.  SO WE’RE GOING TO PUT THE ‘FASTEN SEAT BELTS’ LIGHT BACK ON.”

    8:40:17 A.M. -  Martin Garbus is on to discuss “The Cuban Five” a case, about which,  we know nothing about.  But…thankfully, after his appearance, we know…even less.  He could’ve been speaking Spanish for all we know.  “The Cuban Five” could refer to a specialty sandwich at the Subway in South Beach, it could be the latest dance craze to hit Havana…it could be a sampler of Cohiba Robustos... we simply have no effing idea.  And, we get the feeling, neither does Mr. Garbus, despite the fact that he is probably one of the most brilliant legal minds in the country.   He could’ve gotten Julius and Ethel Rosenberg off.  (Not in a sexual way, mind you, but…you get the point) 

    THE ‘CUBAN FIVE’:  A DESI ARNAZ TRIBUTE BAND POSING FOR THE COVER OF THEIR NEW ALBUM:

    “MARTIN…YOU GOT SOME ‘SPLAININ’ TO DO!”

    9:17:01 A.M. -  In light of Elliot Spitzer’s announcement that he is running for the office of Comptroller for the City of New York, we engage in a debate about him and Anthony Wiener as candidates.  The topic?  Which is ‘more distasteful’:  Engaging the services of a prostitute, or texting pictures of your penis? In other words, which is worse?  To receive a cell phone photo?  Or actually get the ‘meat delivery’ in person?   As he does with all such dilemmas, Imus goes to Dagen and Carley for their positions on the matter.  Dagen maintains that men are under the misguided assumption that their members are larger than they actually are…subject to the ‘Side View Mirror Effect’.  (The ‘Images may be bigger than they appear’ deal.)  Although Carley does find men with facial hair and sleeve tattoos sexy, she does not consider texted photos of ‘male junk’ a ‘turn on’.   Which, to us, is somewhat ironic, as men with facial hair and sleeve tattoos would seem to be the type most likely to send such pictures.  This causes us to wonder if the penis were to have its own sleeve tattoo whether that would make a difference, but regardless, both ladies beg the I-Man to drop the subject, fearing that they will receive a plethora of obscene text messages before the program concludes this morning.  Unfortunately, their request comes too late.  Before we go to break, Gunz has used up his text message allotment for the month

    “I’M HAVING TROUBLE MAKING THIS OUT…IS THAT A VIENNA SAUSAGE?  OR IS GUNZ JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    In light of ‘the cuban five’ and bo dietl’s piloting ‘expertise’, we offer the first ‘bi-lingual’ video primer

    “Un manual sobre la mejor forma de emplear a un piloto automático al aterrizar un avión”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8JSt_xXs1g

     

    Thursday
    Jun202013

    Miami + Nightclub + Athletes = Trouble

    6:05:00 a.m. –  The I-Man is melancholy this morning… not only with the tragic news of James Gandolfini’s death, but also the passing of I-Fave, author Vince Flynn.  We are somewhat surprised that the death of 90 year old Yodeling Sensation, and a man who sold more records than the Beatles and Elvis, Slim Whitman, has not been acknowledged.  Taken too soon.  Why, God, WHY?   Why couldn’t it have been ‘Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute’?

    THE ‘Z-MAN’, ROCKIN’ THE PIPES.  “FREEEEEBIRRRRRD!!!” 

    6:17:17 a.m. –  Warner reports the news that New England Patriots Tight End, Aaron Hernandez, has gotten into serious trouble with the law…he’s implicated in a murder investigation, and in the middle of a civil suit for an alleged shooting at a Miami Night Club.  This prompts the I-Man to come up with the Line of the Day and it’s not even 6:30 a.m.:  “In a sports story, you only have to say two words: ‘Miami’ and ‘Nightclub’ and you already know it’s trouble.”

    NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS HERE AFTER MIDNIGHT  (AND THERE’S CERTAINLY NOTHING GOOD IN THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM…NO MATTER HOW HARD THE STRIPPER TRIES TO CONVINCE YOU)

    6:35:58 a.m. –   Stuart Varney, the Bombastic Brit whose program follows ours on Fox Business, is our guest, and Imus asks him who he had as a guest yesterday morning.  Varney reveals it was reality TV star Les Gold, from ‘Hardcore Pawn’.  Of course, this leads the boss to say “I bet you’ve never actually seen hardcore PORN.”  Varney tries to float some B.S. story about how his eyes have never witnessed such florid filth, however, we, on the other hand, believe that, not only has he seen thousands of hours of dirty videos…he’s actually STARRED in quite a few.  Tractor-Fetish stuff that, apparently, is quite popular with the Amish.

    STUART’S CINEMATIC DEBUT...WE ARE GUESSING THERE WAS QUITE A BIT OF SPECIAL EFFECTS WORK DONE TO ‘ENHANCE’ HIS PERFORMANCE IN THE TITLE ROLE

    6:40:18 a.m. –  Incredibly, things turn ‘ugly’ between the I-Man and The ‘V’-Man.  The Boss is not one to be trifled with.   He threatens Varney with “If I was there, I’d beat your ass.”  To which, Stuart replies:  “What would you do?  Hit me with your oxygen tank?”   Stuart from downtown…although it’s easy to grow a pair when there’s 1,947.7 miles and 6, 175 feet between him and his ‘prey’.

    THIS OXYGEN TANK IS NOT GOING TO BODE WELL FOR THIS PARTICULAR SHOW BUSINESS ICON EITHER

    7:02:58 a.m. –   Somehow, the name of ‘Joel Osteen’ is invoked.  Imus is surprised that Jesus has not come back to “Kick his ass.”  We wonder why Jesus hasn’t done that with a lot of people…

    7:26:57 a.m. –  The I-Man has a bone to pick with Rich Ford in New Mexico.  He has bought all of his trucks there…at BUST OUT RETAIL.   What part about ‘Professional Courtesy’ discount don’t they understand?   ‘Rich’ Ford…it’s not just a family name…this dude’s making a fortune…and on the back of poor, exploited Don Imus.  

    “HEY, PAL!  WAKE UP!  YOU GOTTA LEAVE NOW, WE HAVE TO PREP THIS TRUCK FOR IMUS”

    7:39:17 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting.  As expected, the ‘Spanking for Jesus’ topic makes for some lively discussion.

    “I WOULD SAY THAT THIS IS GOING TO HURT ME MORE THAN IT’S GOING TO HURT YOU…BUT I’D BE LYING.”

    7:43:12 a.m. – The best moment in the ‘Spanking’ discussion comes when the I-Man asserts his authority and states that “(he) wears the pants and makes the decisions in the ‘I-House’”.  The Mensa Meeting takes a brief pause while Deirdre collects herself…and pulls herself off the floor where she has collapsed in a fit of laughter.

    LUNCHTIME AT THE IMUS HOUSEHOLD (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    8:12:34 a.m. – Imus mentions that he has retained legal counsel in Texas, employing the services of ‘Shannon, Martin and Finklestein’, to assist him in the purchase of a Ranch near Houston.  The Finklesteins are a well known family in Texas, as they are the only Jews in a 1700 mile radius.  They are easy to find, however, you just look for the house with the burning cross on the lawn.

    FORGIVE US, WE WERE WRONG, APPARENTLY, THERE IS A RICH LEGACY OF JEWS IN TEXAS, AS THIS PREDECESSOR TO KINKY FRIEDMAN WILL ATTEST

    8:18:45 a.m. – Imus, in promoting the upcoming appearance of Terry Bradshaw, observes that he is not fond of guests who only show interest in appearing on the program when they have something to plug.  “You begin to feel like a hooker,” a dejected Imus says.  Imus as a hooker?   That’s quite an image.  We can’t see him as a ‘Midnight Cowboy’, in a hotel room with a client… “I’m about to pleasure you like you’ve never been pleasured before…as soon as I catch my breath and stop coughing like a mental patient.”

    “…AND NOW, I WILL REMOVE MY TRUSS AND ASSUME A NUMBER OF SUGGESTIVE POSES.”

    8:40:45 a.m. –  I-Fave, the aforementioned Terry Bradshaw now has his own, Big Time, Stage Show at the Mirage in Las Vegas.  You wouldn’t think that the former NFL Hall of Fame Quarterback could provide ‘Cirque du Soleil’ style entertainment, but then again, this is the town where the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet and the 99 Cent Shrimp Cocktail were invented.  Terry’s starring in: “Terry Bradshaw, America’s Favorite Dumb Blonde”, a revue featuring the All-Singing, All-Dancing Bradshaw, with Show Girls, Original Musical Score, Choreography…in fact, he does everything but draw a pair of eyes on his hand and perform ventriloquism.  Then again, we haven’t seen the show yet…we are just ASSUMING he’s not doing a routine with his Little Friend…‘Brad’-ley. 

    DON’T TELL ANYBODY, BUT TERRY AND HIS ‘LITTLE FRIEND’ SHARE A HAIRPIECE

    9:11:17 A.M. -  Warner, with the story of the morning…which is saying something, as we’ve already established the ‘Spanking for Jesus’ thing…  The Wolfman reports that the Brooklyn Cyclones, the Mets Minor League Farm Team, in honor of ‘Jewish Heritage’ night, will Bar Mitzvah their mascot, ‘Sandy the Seagull’, and then have 18 Rabbis throwing out the first ball.  We’d also like to report that admission will be 25% off, but that would be a hideous stereotype.  We wonder what ‘Sandy’ is going to do with all the Pen and Pencil sets he will receive, as he will have difficulty using them, as Seagulls don’t have opposable thumbs at the end of their talons…but we are happy they didn’t decided to perform a ‘bris’ on 2nd base.  Besides, we are more interested in the notion of the Rabbis throwing out the first ball…as we finally know the punchline to the joke:  “How many Rabbis does it take to throw out the…”  , oh, you know the rest.

    “’BARUCH ATAH ADONAI ELOHEINU MELECH HA’OLAM!   TODAY I AM A MAN!”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    WE WISH TO GO ON RECORD AS BEING COMPLETELY AGAINST THE CONCEPT OF CHRISTIAN DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE…

     

    HOWEVER…YOU CAN’T GET AWAY FROM THE FACT THAT..

    THIS $#&^ IS FUNNNNNY!!!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-0lUHF6K88