6:05:00 A.M. – The morning begins with a discussion of the shooting in California, and, although the I-Man says he doesn’t want to critique the news coverage of the tragedy, he can’t help himself from, deservedly, hammering Greta Van Susteren, who, in his estimation is a “Wretched human being.” When the boy’s right…he’s right.
GRETA AND HER CO-ANCHOR, POPEYE SAILORMAN
6:20:56 A.M. – A little good news brightens the program, with the report that Oscar Pistorius has been convicted of murder, after his manslaughter conviction was overturned.
WHERE HE’S GOING… HE WILL PROBABLY BE DOING A LOT OF CRYING…
BUT FIRST…OSCAR…WIPE YOUR F#*KING NOSE
6:26:53 A.M. – Imus plays yet another dismal Christmas song, one that, quite possibly, could be even MORE depressing than George Jones’ ‘Lonely Christmas Card’. It’s Lyle Lovett’s ‘Christmas Morning’ where Lyle apparently is harassing a woman at the supermarket. The I-Man beseeches Lyle to “Leave the girl alone at the Grocery Store.”
AFTER GEORGE JONES…AND THEN LYLE LOVETT…OL’ SAINT NICK COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE
6:27:09 A.M. – The Boss then relates the story about a phone conversation he had with Lyle about one of his songs: ‘Who Loves You Better’, as the lyric ‘ Who loves you more than I’ is grammatically incorrect. Of course, it should be, ‘Who loves you more than ME.’ But there are less people who would have picked up on that, than those who actually did.
YOUNG LYLE, NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE ENGLISH TEACHER WHO IS SHOWING HOW TO DIAGRAM A SENTENCE…
6:40:27 A.M. – I-Fave Arthur Aidala affirms Imus’ assessment of Shep Smith’s coverage of the California Shooting. Almost more effusive than the I-Man himself. He also is upset with the firing of Geraldo Rivera. “To cast aside an iconic figure was disgusting.” Don’t get us wrong, we LOVE Geraldo. But…ICON?
GERALDO RIVERA AS AN ICON
7:17:34 A.M. – Bo Dietl phones in to comment on the situation in San Bernadino, and the I-Man reluctantly takes the call, worried that Bo won’t offer any information, just speculation on the events. He doesn’t disappoint. Bo insists that we call this an act of Muslim Terrorism, and Imus doesn’t feel comfortable making that conclusion. He IS comfortable making the conclusion that Bo is an idiot. And lets him know that.
BO DETAILS HIS CONSPIRACY THEORY
7:17:34 A.M. – Warner reports that there was a packed house of 20,000 at the Washington Wizards game against the Los Angeles Lakers…Warner maintains that they weren’t there to see the Wizards…they were there to see the retiring Kobe Bryant’s last appearance in Washington. Imus wants to know how Warner knows that they were there to see Kobe. Warner says that the game was a sellout…which is somewhat out of the norm for the Wizards.
WHEN KOBE PLAYS…
WHEN KOBE DOESN’T PLAY
7:26:52 A.M. – The I-Man says that he usually schedules things that people want him to do, that he doesn’t want to do… far enough in advance that either he, or the person making the request will die before it happens so he won’t have to go through with it.
UNFORTUNATELY…THE I-MAN WILL WIND UP HAVING TO DO ALL OF THESE THINGS
7:39:16 A.M. – PSYCHOS! Bernie talks about ‘The Revenant’, the new Leonardo DiCaprio movie, in which…he gets raped…by a bear. Um…
YOGI…GIVING IT TO CAPRIO IN HIS ‘PIC-A-NIC BASKET’
Alan Colmes points out that there have been more mass shootings in America so far this year, than there were days of the year. 355. He also mentions that 185 THOUSAND background checks for new gun purchase were initiated on Black Friday. Looks like Santa will be packing this year.
YOU BETTER BE GOOD…FOR GOODNESS SAKE
Deirdre hammers Alan for his transparent positions on issues…he’s always towing the Liberal Party line, which, we believe, just isn’t true, because, once, while he was eating a tuna fish sandwich, mumbled something to the effect of “I don’t care how many f#cking dolphins were killed, this is a GREAT f#cking sandwich.”
“SORRY, FLIPPER, BUT THIS S#!+ IS…DELICIOUS!”
Curtis feels violated by Donald Trump, much like Leonardo was by the bear in the new movie. Who’s doing the raping? SOMEONE’S doing the raping. Donald Trump. He edited a clip of Curtis after the 9/11 attacks to suggest that Angel Sliwa agreed with him about the THOUSANDS of Muslims cheering on the roofs of their Jersey City apartments. And so, in order to vindicate himself…Curtis has challenged Mike Tyson to a fistfight. An event that, we predict, will end in another violation. This IDIOTIC idea makes us wonder if, in addition to Erectile Dysfunction, Hair Loss, High Blood Pressure and Prostate Problems…Curtis got a CONCUSSION.
SORRY, CURTIS…THAT’S A VIOLATION…
8:05:11 A.M. – Bo emails the Boss to tell him he didn’t appreciate being disrespected, and calls the I-Man a ‘F#cking A$$#ole’. Imus believes it should be ‘AN F#cking A$$#ole’. Connell corrects Imus’ grammar, saying that the word ‘F#cking’ begins with the letter ‘F’, a consonant, which would require the indefinite article ‘A’ rather than the preposition ‘AN’ which would be used in the event of the following word beginning with a vowel. To wit: ‘AN Idiot’… ‘A F#cking A$$#ole’
PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR CONJUNCTION AND SPREAD ‘EM
8:10:22 A.M. – Curtis has been held over in the studio after his stellar rant during ‘Psychos’. He discusses gun control, and the train wreck that is his life.
CURTIS MADE THE MOVIE BEFORE AMY SCHUMER
8:25:50 A.M. – Distracted from the horrors of the events yesterday, Imus forgot to mention that the National Finals Rodeo starts TONIGHT. Whew! Glad you remembered, I-Man. We wouldn’t have set our DVRs without your reminder. “It’s on CBS Sports Network…I think it’s on channel two…” “…MILLION.” Connell completes the thought.
CBS SPORTS NETWORK
(LOWER RIGHT HAND CORNER ON THE CABLE CHANNEL LIST)
8:40:43 A.M. – Chris Wallace is on, and the I-Man wonders if Mr. Wallace knows anything about San Bernardino that he can’t tell us now. He won’t tell us. Which, I guess is what Imus wanted…? The Boss then asks a very good question: “How do you know which sources to trust?” Wallace says in this case, it was that provided by the Law Enforcement there. Greta Van Susteren, however, was taking information from a guy holding the Magic 8 Ball.
“I HAVE EXCELLENT SOURCES WHO INFORM ME THAT THE SHOOTERS WERE, INDEED, MUSLIM TERRORISTS.”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
To lighten up your holidays
(in lieu of depressing Christmas tunes)
Here are a few
(which, of course, there is)