6:05:00 A.M. – The I-Man begins the program with an observation about one of the local spots on WABC in New York. The tag line for which is: “If you have Type 2 Diabetes, call ‘Big Lou’.” “BIG LOU???” The I-Man asks incredulously. It’s actually a commercial for a service that helps overweight, unhealthy men on medications to get Life Insurance. But if you have Hepatitis C, you need to call ‘Tiny Tony’.
‘BIG LOU’ BELIEVE US, WHEN HE OFFERS YOU ‘LIFE INSURANCE’...YOU’D BETTER TAKE IT
6:08:56 A.M. – Both Connell and Warner are absent today, with Noam Laden and Gunz respectively, filling in for them. Noam is fine, if a bit stiff and dry, but the pacing of the program is off when everyone needs to stop for Gunz so we can define all the ‘hard’ words for him.
“UM...CAN YOU PLEASE USE IT IN A SENTENCE?”
“YOUR HEAD IS ‘EMPTY’”
6:15:44 A.M. – It’s Paul Simon’s birthday. He’s 74 years old. Not too far off from when ‘Darkness’ will be his ‘Old Friend.’ Maybe even sooner if his old lady has a few pops and decides to use him as a pinata.
WE GUESS HE MUST’VE BEEN A LITTLE CRITICAL OF HIS BIRTHDAY CAKE
6:40:27 A.M. – Fred Dicker, the State Political Columnist for the New York Post. He’s the go-to guy for when you need to get the 411 on New York State. This morning, he talks about the ‘Turf War’ between Mayor DeBlasio and Governor Cuomo. Not exactly Ali/Frasier or Custer/Sitting Bull, or for that matter, Ross/Rachel. But that’s what he’s got. So we listen.
AND DOWN GOES DEBLASIO...
7:05:37 A.M. – The I-Man discovered that his clock is one hour ahead. Which it should be, considering its set to New York time, but...it’s even an hour ahead of that. What’s the Daylight Savings Time deal? Spring Forward? Fall Back? We don’t want the Boss thinking he’s got one fewer hour left. On the program, of course. On the program.
LOOKS LIKE THE ATOMIC CLOCK MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A LITTLE BEHIND...
7:15:44 A.M. – In honor of Garfunkel’s Partner’s birthday, the Boss has been playing some of his favorite ‘Rhymin’ Simon’ tunes...but says that he keeps flashing back to the image of Paul and his wife, Edie Brickell, in court. He says she has that look on her face that reminds him of the Cialis Commercial, where the wife is trying to paint the fence, and her husband walks over with that look in his eyes... and she’s thinking... “Oh great...stupid’s been to the drugstore again...”
“BUT YOUR HONOR...SHE TRIED TO TWIST IT OFF...”
7:25:06 A.M. – During his sportscast, Gunz, (Or as we like to refer to him, ‘The Anti-Warner’) pauses to see if the I-Man is still with us. Of course he is, he’s just not listening, which is the side-effect most associated with Gunz. One day, Gunz will check and he will discover that the Boss is NOT with us, he’s gone to that Cattle Ranch in the Sky...at least we ASSUME it’s in the sky. It could be another place where the temperature is 451 Degrees Fahrenheit, and the Humidity is 250%
WITH US...OR NOT WITH US? SOMEBODY HOLD A MIRROR UNDER HIS NOSE
7:39:16 A.M. – HOLLYWOOD & VINE or, as we like to call it, DEIRDRE, RIEDEL & THE KID FROM THE SHORT BUS. Gunz establishes his position as Captain Clueless, when he says that he thought Cary Grant was a woman. We hate to break the news to him about Carroll O’Connor and Leslie Nielsen.
GUNZ SHOWS SURPRISE: “YOU MEAN STACY KEACH IS A MAN?”
7:40:22 A.M. – Deirdre shares that she watched “Far From The Madding Crowd”, the movie based on the Thomas Hardy Novel of the 19th Century about young English woman and her three suitors. It stars Carey Mulligan, the lovely actress who played opposite Leonardo DiCaprio in Baz Luhrrman’s ‘The Great Gatsby’. The D-Woman then confesses she’s got a ‘Girl Crush’ on Ms. Mulligan. Well, there goes our afternoon.
“LET ME GET RID OF GRAMPS, CAREY, AND WE CAN GO FOR SOME VEGAN CHILI”
7:41:44 A.M. – Gunz weighs in on the Hollywood Flops, like ‘Tomorrowland’ and the recent disaster, ‘Pan’. “I’d rather read your book than watch Tomorrowland.’ Says Gunz to Michael Riedel, author of ‘Razzle Dazzle: The Battle for Broadway’. Which is quite flattering to Riedel, as...it will be Gunz’s first book.
“HEY! WHERE ARE THE PICTURES?”
7:42:09 A.M. – The aforementioned Michael Riedel is disdainful of Daniel Craig’s revelation that he will no longer play James Bond, and incredulously, says that he believes Roger Moore was the best James Bond. ROGER MOORE? The ‘Finocchio’ Bond?’ Surely he’s kidding.
8:07:34 A.M. – Imus is irritated with CNN for all the hype they’re giving the ‘Free Podium’ for tonight’s debate... just in case Joe Biden should show up. We’ve seen this movie before...
THE PODIUM IS FULL...IT’S JUST THE CHAIR THAT’S EMPTY
8:40:09 A.M. – Ray Kelly, the former Two – Time Police Commissioner of New York City is on and...you cannot help but like this guy. He talks terror prevention. And, somehow, we think that he uses his charm to ‘disarm’ terrorists. You know, “May I have this Dance, Achmed? And then Ray crushes the ISIS member’s esophagus with his bare hands.
“AFTER I CHOKE HIM OUT...WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT HIM?”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
WE OFFER THE FOLLOWING FOR YOU TO MAKE YOUR OWN JUDGMENT:
THE ONLY MAN WHO SHOULD HAVE EVER PLAYED JAMES BOND