Member Nav

 

Deirdre's Corner

Don't forget to catch Deirdre on Psychos, Monday and Thursday at 7:35am and Blonde on Blonde, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning! 


Vaxxed: From Cover-Up to Catastrophe - As a children's health advocate dedicated to raising awareness of and protecting children from the numerous toxins in this world, I cannot strongly enough recommend the film “Vaxxed: From Cover-Up to Catastrophe.”  Read more...

 Celebrating 15 Years Protecting Children's Health & the Environment

 The Deirdre Imus Environmental Health Center®  - When you are among the first voices to speak out on an issue, it’s difficult to know if anyone is listening. When I founded The Deirdre Imus Environmental Health Center® at Hackensack University Medical Center fifteen years ago, concern about our children's health being impacted by toxic exposures in the environment was not the hot button, trendy issue it is today.  Read more...

 

Deirdre's Dish Pick

Carrot Cake - Recipe by Deirdre Imus, The Imus Ranch: Cooking for Kids and Cowboys - Rich in vitamin A, beta-carotene, and phytochemicals, carrots are a nutrition powerhouse that help boost the immune system and fight off infection. Baked in this moist, dense cake, of course, they are also naturally sweet and delicious. Since this cake is dense, a small slice will satisfy, but it will also stay moist and fresh for several days if covered airtight and stored at room temperature.

If you have a fond memory from your childhood about some of the dishes we post please let us know by emailing us at Dimus@hackensackumc.org or contact us here, we would love to hear your story.

 

Deirdre's Book Pick Of The Week

 

Vegan for Her by Virginia Messina - a blueprint for optimal health and wellness at any age, will show you how to: lower your risk for breast cancer and heart disease; manage conditions like arthritis and migraines; diminish PMs and cramps; build strong bones for life; enhance fertility; make an easy transition to a vegan diet; and incorporate principles of both fashion and compassion into your home and wardrobe.


    Support The Deirdre Imus Environmental Health Center

The Deirdre Imus Environmental Health Center® is devoted to the health and well-being of children, their parents and the general public. Donations to the Environmental Health Center will support research on children's environmental health.

 

Follow Us On

  
Inside Imus Control Center
The Imus Ranch Foundation

With the closing of The Imus Ranch For Kids with Cancer, The Imus Ranch Foundation was formed to donate 100% of all donations previously devoted to The Imus Ranch for Kids with Cancer to various other charities whose work and missions compliment those of the ranch. The initial donation from The Imus Ranch Foundation was awarded to Tackle Kids Cancer, a program of The HackensackUMC Foundation and the New York Giants.  In addition, once the Imus Ranch for Kids with Cancer is sold, 100% of those funds will be contributed to The Imus Ranch Foundation.

Warner's Sports Corner

Warriors Defeat Thunder - The Warriors still trail 3-2 in the series, but a 120-111 win against the Thunder on Thursday will extend their incredible season, keeping afloat the idea that they still could come back and overcome Oklahoma City despite trailing by two games.

Penguins beat Lightning, advance to Stanley Cup Final - Penguins blitzed the Tampa Bay Lightning 2-1 to win Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Final and earn their first trip to the Stanley Cup Final since 2009.

Art Briles's stunning ascent ends in sudden disgrace following damning report - Baylor University demoted president Kenneth Starr and fired its popular football coach Art Briles following revelations Thursday that the sports program responded to sexual assault accusations against its players with alarming indifference or outright hostility toward alleged victims.

Martin Truex Jr. wins pole for Charlotte's NASCAR race -  Martin Truex Jr. put himself in good position for another strong showing at the Coca-Cola 600, a race he thought he should have won last year.

Recent Guests:
    Monday
    Jul132015

    El Chapo

    6:03:12 A.M. –  “El Chapo” has escaped from jail.  This is the second time Mexico’s most notorious Drug Lord, Joaquin Guzman Loera has broken out.   Joyce Mitchell was unavailable for comment.  She likes her men like she likes her coffee.  Confined.

    MAYBE SHE EXPECTED HIM TO MARRY HER

    6:08:56 A.M. – Friday, Nat Candido Emailed the I-Man for Taylor Swift tickets for the concert at the Meadowlands…that night.  The I-Man sent an email back, saying, “No problem, they’ll be at the ‘Will Call’.   And I got you backstage passes.  Just tell them the I-Man sent you. Enjoy the show.”  After Nat spelled ‘Don Imus’ about 50 different ways at the Box Office…he realized, he’d been had. 

    “OKAY…CHECK…DON IMUS…OKAY…J.D. IMUS…UM…JOHN DONALD?  I-MAN?  CAPITAL ‘I’.  C’MON, BRO, THEY HAVE TO BE HERE!  HE SAID THEY’D BE WAITING FOR ME!   DOES THIS MEAN I’M ALSO NOT RIDING BACK TO THE HOTEL IN THE LIMO WITH HER?”

    6:10:44 A.M. – The Boss informs us that Meghan Hurlbut, the woman who runs the Imus World Headquarters Office, will be ‘Leaving the Family’, which makes us alternately, happy AND sad.  Happy for her moving on to other opportunities, and sad, because, we will miss her.  But we also want to know…what she did to ‘Get Out’   Because The Imus Family is like a Mafia Family.  Once you’re in…you’re NEVER out.

    “HURLBUT…HURLBUT…WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MAKE YOU TREAT ME SO DISRESPECTFULLY?

    6:14:08 A.M. – The I-Man has bad news about Liz Cho for Dr. Bill Evans. She tied the knot.  Not her tubes…she didn’t tie THOSE.  She got MARRIED. So she’s off the market.  But he should look at the bright side.  He’s gained a parking space.

    NOT GONNA HAPPEN NOW.  NOT THAT IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN ANYWAY.

    6:40:27 A.M. Bo Dietl talks ‘El Chapo’.  He says he’s a ‘Real Bad Dude’.  He’s killed tons of innocent people and police.  He thinks he should be ‘Assassinate-atated’.   Then he goes on to sing the praises of President Obama.  If by praises you mean, “He’s the worst president EVER.”  

    BO AND THE PRESIDENT.  IN HAPPIER TIMES.

    7:05:10 A.M.  The I-Man informs us that one of the calves on the Ranch is sick.  It’s ‘Down’, as they say in Ranching.  He notes that the calf looks a lot like him in the 80’s.  Which makes sense to us, because calves don’t wear pants either.

    “MOOOOO…I DON’T FEEL WELL…”

    7:13:26 A.M.  Connell plays a clip of Miss Rhode Island at the ‘Miss USA’ pageant, attempting to answer a question about ‘Political Correctness.’  That Dumb B….Broad, is totally lost.  She did have a nice rack though.  Sorry, that wasn’t ‘Politically Correct’, but…at least now we can answer the question.

    MISS RHODE ISLAND, AND BILLY REDDEN, THE BANJO GUY FROM DELIVERANCE.  HE KNEW THE ANSWER…

    7:40:16 A.M. VINNIE FROM QUEENS  featuring Warner Wolf, Tony Powell, Lou Rufino, Connell McShane, Gunz Gunzelman, and a distraught Nat Candido.  Apparently, he waited at the Box Office until Saturday to get his ‘Non Existent Tickets’.  He did HEAR the show, however.  From the Parking Lot.

    “I SWEAR, BRO…HE SAID THEY WOULD BE THERE.”

    7:43:18 A.M. – The guys discuss LA Clipper’s Center, Deandre Jordan, who backed out of his verbal agreement with Mark Cuban and the Dallas Mavericks.  Gunz thinks that’s horrible, for someone to back out of an agreement, but then, Gunz has been on the other side of that scenario many times.  The only difference is that Deandre didn’t say his Grandmother was sick or that he had to wash his hair.

    “TRUST ME DUDE, SHE AIN’T COMIN’”

    7:44:36 A.M. – Danica Patrick getting ‘Rear Ended’ by Dale Earnhardt Jr. in Kentucky last Saturday Night at the Kentucky Speedway.  She was quite upset with Jr., and let fly a few F-Bombs in his direction.  Apparently, she doesn’t like being ‘Rear Ended’.  Which happens to be a bone of contention between her and her boyfriend, NASCAR driver, Ricky Stenhouse Jr.

    “C’MON…WON’T YOU EVEN TRY IT?”

    8:05:11 A.M. – Warner has a cough. He needs to stop smoking.  It’s clearly stunted his growth.

    MAYBE IF HE STUCK WITH LOLLIPOPS, HE WOULDN’T HAVE THE PROBLEM.

    8:23:11 A.M. – Warner reports the story about Buffalo Bills Offensive Coordinator Aaron Kromer, who, on vacation assaulted three kids who had the audacity to move his deck chairs.  He punched one, pushed another, and told the third he was going to ‘Kill his family’ if he squealed.  This leads Warner to ask, “What’s (Bills Coach) Rex Ryan going to do now?”  Imus’ quick response:  “Probably suck on his toes.”

    NOTHING BETTER THAN A PEANUT BUTTER AND TOEJAME SAMMICH

    8:39:43 A.M. – One of our favorite people, Monica Crowley, phones in and we learn that she’s still engaged to the same guy.  You’d think that after 20 years they would know whether or not they have a future together, and finally ‘Pull the Trigger’ on the marriage.  But apparently, Monica doesn’t want to ‘Rush Things’.   She wants to wait until their kids are dead.  

    MONICA WAITS PATIENTLY

    8:45:09 A.M. – Monica leaves us with an incredible prediction:  Hillary will not get the Democratic Nomination.  Joe Biden will get in the race, and will have the full support of the White House and Hillary Hater, Barack Obama, behind him.  She also predicts the resurgence of Betamax and Platform Shoes.

    THE VICE-PRESIDENT WILL THROW HIS HAT IN THE RING, RIGHT AFTER HE TAPES ‘THE ROCKFORD FILES’ AND ‘WELCOME BACK KOTTER’

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THAT WACKY BILL COSBY

    You Feelin’ a Little Sleepy Yet?”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CA4yuz8qgj4 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAorIG6MZnc

    Friday
    Jul102015

    Bernie in the Morning

    6:03:12 A.M. –  The I-Man is not here this morning, which is serendipitous, because his cramps from yesterday might have precluded his being here anyway, but it just so happens that today is one of the days Imus will activate the  ‘Most Fridays Off’ provision of his new contract.  So this morning, we will be ‘Bernie in the Morning.’  Na na na na!   We are a little worried that, as the morning progresses, Bernard will become more and more like the Boss.   We saw him in the hallway on the way to the studio; and when we said “Good morning!” he made the ‘Horsie Noise’ and pronounced “I don’t feel well.”

    IN ANOTHER STRANGE TWIST, BERNIE GREW AN EXTRA TESTICLE

    6:08:56 A.M. – Gunz will be going to the Tickertape Parade down at the Canyon of Heroes, given for the Womens’ World Cup Champion Soccer Team.  We think that HE thinks he will improve his chances at getting a date.  What the hopeful young lad is too dim to realize is, he has NO chance with any of the girls on the team.  Especially now that they’ve won the World Championship…they actually have some ‘Self Esteem’.   

    SOMETHING GUNZ SEES A LOT

    6:40:27 A.M.  K.T. McFarland is on, National Security Analyst, is on to discuss the Iranian Nuclear talks, and worries that we won’t get a good deal from them, but apparently, she hasn’t bought a Persian Rug, because as long as you hang in there, you’ll eventually wear them down.  Bernie plays a clip of Donald Trump saying we should bomb the hell out of ISIS, World War II style, without concern for collateral damage…which K.T. didn’t seem to have a problem with.  Which is yet another reason to not piss this woman off.

    K.T. ON THE WAY TO THE SUPERMARKET

    7:08:37 A.M.  Gunz reports that he will be riding on one of the Parade Floats this morning…just not on the Team Float, as the restraining order is still in place.  His float will be “No less than 100 Yards” behind.   He’ll be easy to spot, though.  He will be the one holding up the sign:  ‘Don’t Wave!  Make Out!’

    GUNZ.  ADVERTISING.  THE BULLHORN WAS AN EXCEPTIONALLY ANNOYING ADDITION

    7:35:06 A.M. HOLLYWOOD & VINE returns!  Deirdre Imus, Michael Riedel, and Imogen Lloyd Weber weigh in on Show Business stories.  Imogen reports on the story she broke on Broadway.com, debunking the ‘James Bond Broadway Musical’ rumor.  Declaring herself ‘The Woodward & Bernstein of Broadway’, she actually checked with Barbara Broccoli, the keeper of the franchise, and found out that 007 won’t be tap dancing any time soon.  We’re disappointed.  We were hoping for a song about ‘Pussy Galore’.

    “I’VE GOT A LICENSE TO KILL…LICENSE TO KILL…OH, WHAT A THRILL, A LICENSE TO KILL, A GREAT BIG PILE OF BODIES I’LL BE MAKIN’…MAKE ME A MARTINI, STIRRED NOT SHAKEN…”

    7:38:07 A.M. – Deirdre is not a huge fan of Ben Affleck.  She asks “Are you surprised he was cheating on his wife, Jennifer Garner?” No, we’re not.  We saw ‘Gone Girl’, and, as you said, the director made a comment about how convincing Affleck was playing an adulterer.  And…as everybody knows, he’s not that great an actor.

    HE MAY SUCK AS A THESPIAN, BUT, APPARENTLY, ‘COPPING A FEEL’ IS IN HIS ‘SENSE MEMORY’

    7:40:07 A.M. – Riedel is enamored with Broadway Diva, Patti Lupone.  We’re not surprised by that either.  In the middle of her performance in Douglas Beane’s comedy ‘Shows For Days’, she stopped and snatched a cell phone from an audience member who was texting during the play.  The audience, apparently, applauded.  But…if somebody is texting while you are onstage…you’re pretty effing boring.  And that applause…probably covered up for the rest of the audience texting during the show.

    “HEY, PINHEAD!  STAY OFF YOUR F#@$ING PHONE!”

    7:44:08 A.M.-  Riedel and Bernie share a fondness for the ‘Old Hollywood Legendary Leading Men’: Robert Mitchum, Gary Cooper, Cary Grant…and, probably Rock Hudson.  At least from Riedel’s perspective. 

    HE KNEW HIM WHEN.

    8:05:34 A.M. – A cut from the emotional speech given Rep. Jenny Horne from the floor of South Carolina’s House of Representatives Wednesday, imploring her fellow lawmakers to vote for the Bill to remove the Confederate Flag from the State House Grounds.  Horne, a white woman, revealed that she is a descendant of Jefferson Davis.  No, Gunz, he’s NOT Sammy Davis’ Uncle, NOR is he a middle linebacker for the Giants.

    “HEY MAN, I DON’T TOUCH THE PIGSKIN…IT’S NOT KOSHER.”

    “NEVERTHELESS, THAT WAS A HELLUVA END ZONE DANCE, DAVIS.”

    8:40:43 A.M. – Rep. Peter King is the guest, weighs in on Republican Presidential Candidates Rand Paul and Ted Cruz, by saying “I’d hit one with a left, and one with a right.”  He also says he’s not running.  Damn.  We’d love to see him get into fisticuffs with those two pantloads. 

    “AND WHEN I’M THROUGH MAKING YOU MY BITCH, CRUZ…I’M GOING FOR THAT PUSSY PAUL!”

    8:44:08 A.M. –  Congressman King tells us he wants Congress to pass a law that would allow the Government to see your online activity.  He makes it seem as though he wants to be able to get a jump on terrorist activity on the Internet, when, really, we think he just wants to know what the most popular Porn Sites are.  We’re not so sure we want the likes of Rep. King to see what we’re doing on our computers.  Although, we’re sure he’d get tired of watching hour after hour of Angry Birds and Candy Crush.

    “HEY!  CONGRESSMAN!  ANY IDEA HOW TO GET THROUGH LEVEL 7?”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    SEEING AS HOW THE ‘PALEO DIET’ IS DOING SO WELL, HERE IS A RECIPE FROM THE NEW ‘CRO MAGNON DIET’

    “How to Heat Ravioli in a Lava Flow”

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6M-YX-r0Ll4

    Thursday
    Jul092015

    The Gronk Cruise

    6:03:12 A.M. –  The I-Man has stomach cramps.  He’s not sure why, and he’s not sure he can make it through the program, but, nevertheless, he has cramps.  We have an idea why, even though he’s always cranky so it’s hard to tell the difference. Although we can’t see him so we’re not sure if he’s also retaining water.  Perhaps some chocolate will help him get through it.

    HIS NIPPLES ARE ALSO VERY TENDER

    6:08:56 A.M. – The I-Man describes a photo on the cover of the Daily News of NY Giants Defensive End, Jason Pierre Paul, pointing in the air…accompanying a story that reports Paul had his right index finger amputated.  He still doesn’t have a contract.  And he might never be able to sign one.  He won’t be able to hold the pen.

    “WE ARE NUMBER…A HALF!”

    6:40:27 A.M. Author Peter Kiernan has been with us before, promoting his book ‘BECOMING CHINA’S BITCH’.  He’s on today to promote his new book ‘AMERICAN MOJO’.  This one focuses on, what Mr. Kiernan believes, is ‘America’s greatest challenge – and opportunity- restoring the middle class to its full promise and potential.’  We think it may have something to do with the middle class making the upper class ITS’ bitch.

    THE MIDDLE CLASS.  A LITTLE MOUTHY.

    7:05:37 A.M. – After Dr. Bill’s Weather Report, he has his usual difficulty pronouncing the word ‘Meteorologist’.  The I-Man wonders why the Good Doctor has a problem saying what he is.  Apparently, Imus has no problem referring to himself as “An asshole.”

     FROM AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT ’12 STEP’ PROGRAM

    7:12:24 A.M. –  The Boss reports that today is Senator Lindsey Graham’s birthday, and he’s turned 60 years old.  Imus asks ‘Senator Graham’ if he will have something special popping out of his cake.  Probably not, but he might have something popping out of his pants.

    “…AND IT’S REALLY, REALLY TINY.”

    7:38:06 A.M. PSYCHOS II  with Deirdre Imus, Alan Colmes, Bernard McGuirk, Gunz Gunzelman and, making his triumphant return, Curtis Sliwa.  The I-Man begins with a tirade about the Texas Motor Vehicle Department…who, when Zach and T-Money went to get an inspection and Texas plates for his Freightliner, they were told they would have to register the truck as a ‘Commercial Vehicle’.   “IT’S NOT A COMMERCIAL VEHICLE!” exclaims Imus.  Maybe he should take the ‘MyPillow’ Logo off it.

    THE I-MAN CAN’T USE A MYPILLOW AS A SEAT CUSHION.  BECAUSE IT MAKES HIS ASS FALL ASLEEP

    7:38:06 A.M. – Alan says that he’s going to take the High Road and say something positive about Donald Trump.  Here it is: Thanks to Trump, he’s proven that it’s not okay to make Racist Comments, as evidenced by the backlash from the Press and many of his Business Associations.  This, as you might imagine, gets Deirdre revved up, which will manifest itself in just a little bit…

    THE DEMON HAS AWOKEN…

    7:39:19 A.M. – …but first, we must hear from Curtis, who would like Gunz to be his ‘Maytag’, which is the new Urban Slang for ‘Prison Bitch’.  He is also incensed that the Womens’ World Cup Soccer Team Champions are getting a Tickertape Parade through the ‘Canyon of Heroes’ when there should be a parade for returning Iraqi Vets.  He’s not playing fair.  He’s supposed to be crazy.  Not talk sense.

    “I’M SORRY, BUBBA, BUT…I’M ALREADY SPOKEN FOR.”

    7:40:57 A.M. – Bernie hates Bernie Sanders.  We guess because he doesn’t want the name ‘Bernie’ to EVER be associated with ‘Socialism’

    “NOT SO FAST, THERE, YA COMMIE BASTID…”

    7:38:06 A.M. – …and NOW, finally, The Wrath of the D-Woman.  She is absolutely apoplectic over violence against women, in light of this video where a Manhattan Panera Manager waylaid a female employee, hot on the heels of a Florida State Football Player going all Ike Turner on a lady bar patron.  Even though she’s 1700 miles away, WE are scared $#!^less.

    BE AFRAID.  BE VERY AFRAID.

    7:38:06 A.M. –  Gunz barely has enough time to express his disgust with ‘Liberal Butt Crack Sniffers’.   Well then, he should have no problem with Curtis…because Gunz will be sniffing a Conservative Butt Crack.  “Now finish washing those T-Shirts and…that grilled cheese sandwich isn’t going to iron itself!

    CURTIS.  EXPLAINING THE RULES TO GUNZ

    8:05:09 A.M. – The I-Man reports that Deirdre went to the Supermarket and purchased 775 dollars worth of groceries.  Later that afternoon, Nephew Donnie and another of the cowboys from the Ranch in New Mexico, Perry, drove 13 hours to Brenham to bring some horses to the new ranch.  “Do you want to take them out to dinner?”  Deirdre asked.  “OUT to DINNER???  YOU JUST BOUGHT ALMOST 800 DOLLARS WORTH OF FOOD!”  The subtext to this statement, is, obviously, ‘You better get out in that kitchen and rattle those pots n’ pans.’   Something we’re pretty sure was not expressed in the Boss’  ‘Outside Voice’.

    THE KITCHEN PANTRY AT THE WILLOWS

    8:15:11 A.M. – Warner reports that Rob Gronkowski and his brothers are sponsoring a vacation cruise to ‘Gronk Island’ in the Bahamas.  As if a cruise wasn’t already a backed up toilet, listeria – laden nightmare, just wait until the Gronkowski family takes the helm.  3 days aboard the S.S.S.T.D.  will be exactly what you would expect, a Satyricon – Like Bacchanal, were the aromas of Hawaiian Tropic and Vomit will fill the air!  Come back with a tan, AND a prescription for Valtrex! 

    IT’S GONNA GET REAL, YO.

    8:40:09 A.M. – Hannah Storm phones in from England, where she is broadcasting Wimbledon for ESPN.  The I-Man breaks some bad news to Ms. Storm: Keith Olbermann is leaving ESPN.   She doesn’t seem all that broke up about it, to tell the truth, but IS surprised when the I-Man says that Keith is moving to Aljazeera to do the Camel Racing Reports.

    YOU INFIDEL!  DO NOT THROW PAPER AT CAMERA!

    8:43:16 A.M. – The conversation then turns to Jason Pierre-Paul, and, unlike us, she has some empathy for his losing battle with an M-80, having been the victim of an awful burn caused by an exploding gas grill.  It must be said that Hannah suffered her injury attempting to MAKE dinner…whereas Jason will have to use a special, custom fork to EAT dinner.

    YOU DON’T NEED AN INDEX FINGER FOR THIS ONE

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    RON GRONKOWSKI’S ‘GRONK’ CRUISE

    WHERE SEASICKNESS WON’T BE THE WORST THING YOU’LL GET

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QSAXZd8vpU

    Wednesday
    Jul082015

    Have a Great Day!

    6:05:12 A.M. –  Dr. Bill Evans, at the end of his weather report, wishes everyone to ‘Have a Great Day!’   The I-Man takes exception to this, by observing that NOBODY is going to have a great day.  Most people are just trying to get to the time when it’s socially acceptable to start drinking.  They’re either fat, or alcoholics or addicted to drugs, or in a lousy marriage or hate where they work.  Wow.  Rob really ISN’T going to have a great day today.

    WE DON’T…THINK SO, SNOOPY.

    6:08:56 A.M. – Imus reports that, apparently, Jerry Weintraub didn’t need to die.  Somehow, the care he got in the hospital Santa Barbara was responsible for his death.  So the I-Man says that he’s told everyone that if anything should happen to him, he wants to be taken back to New York, and not treated in Texas.  Yah.   That’s a good idea.  Have a heart attack and then take a 3 hour plane ride back home. 

    “I’M SORRY MR. IMUS…TETERBORO IS BACKED UP…WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO CIRCLE FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.”

    6:40:27 A.M. Dr. Arthur Turovets from the ‘Nuvo Fat Loss’ company, (Formerly NJ Diet) is on to discuss, among other things, why he changed the name of his outfit.  He says that it’s not just New Jersey any more.  It’s gone national.  He says that one of the secrets of the program is that there is a hormonal component to weight loss.  So…Caitlyn Jenner was…on a diet?

    THOSE HORMONES ARE A BITCH

    6:42:18 A.M. – Dr. Turovets says that the outfit provides 24/7 support, and that everyone who signs up for the Nuvo Fat Loss program gets his personal phone number.  Yeah, that’s what you want.  Some fat bastard calling you up at 2 o’clock in the morning from a Taco Bell Drive Thru screaming, “I’m F#@KING STARVING!”

    “HELLO?  DR. TUROVETS?  F%$# YOU, AND YOUR F%$#ING DIET!”

    7:05:10 A.M.  Warner reports that during the Serena Williams/Maria Sharapova match at Wimbledon, it will be a ‘Grunt’ Fest, as they are both known for Grunting as they hit shots during the match.  Warner says it like it’s a bad thing…that two hot women in short skirts in the heat…grunting.   Despite the fact that most men will be watching this match with their pants off.

    “YEAH…YOU GRUNT, MARIA.  GRUNT FOR ME.”

    7:16:32 A.M. –  The I-Man reports that Lis Wiehl can’t find a man. Are they hiding?  Where is she looking?  Ollie Ollie Oxenfree!   Come out, come out wherever you are.  Maybe that’s the problem.  Every time she gets involved with a guy…he ‘Comes Out’. 

    UNLUCKY IN LOVE?  MAYBE JUST FAULTY ‘GAYDAR’?

    7:20:46 A.M. – Warner is having a hard time pronouncing the names of the competitors at Wimbledon.  Stan Wawrinka, Varek Pospisil, Garbine Mugarusa…those he can say fine.  It’s Andy Murray that’s giving him the problem.  Maybe Dr. Bill should help him out with his elocution…you know…the Meteoyuvbhfgtrsfwqeds…  Metbmoplkzxsd…ah f*&k it.  The Weatherman.

    THAT’S THE PROBLEM.  WARNER’S DIPTHONG KEEPS GETTING IN THE WAY

    7:35:06 A.M. BLONDE ON BLONDE…or, as we like to call it, ‘Female Fight Club.’    There are rules involved with ‘Female Fight Club’:  1st Rule: You do not talk about Female Fight Club.  2nd Rule: You DO NOT talk about Female Fight Club.  3rd Rule: If Lis says “Stop” or goes limp, the Fight IS NOT OVER. 

    WASH YOUR HANDS FIRST

    7:38:16 A.M. – This week’s Battle begins with the question that’s on everybody’s mind:  “What’s the average age of the men Lis Wiehl dates?”   The answer?  Somewhere between very old and nearly dead.  She claims anywhere from 30 to 50 something.  Lis, just because a man helps you across the street doesn’t qualify as a ‘First Date’.  He’s probably just trying to get a merit badge. 

    “AREN’T YOU A NICE YOUNG MAN!  UM…WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER?” 

    7:40:08 A.M. – There’s talk about Trump, there’s talk about Cosby, and then the I-Man asks the 64 Thousand Dollar Question:   “Did you sleep with Bill O’Reilly?”  She’s horrified by the very notion…when in fact, if she did, she’d have to give HIM a Quaalude.   Which would then be the inspiration for her next book:  ‘Killing O’Reilly’

    WE’LL WAIT FOR THE MOVIE

    8:09:18 A.M. – Connell reports that Rosie Perez is leaving ‘The View’…a program which, obviously, has a problem with women named ‘Rosie’.   Perez says she’s leaving to ‘Pursue her acting career.’   She better put them Nikes on.  Cos’ it’s gonna be a helluva chase.  She can’t act her way INTO a paper bag. 

    YEAH.  IT COULD HAPPEN.

    8:31:11 A.M. – During Bernie’s Briefing, a cut of Former Model, (And Bad Plastic Surgery ‘After’ Picture) Janice Dickenson, she, herself, once a victim of a Bill Cosby Sexual Assault, expressing outrage over Whoopi Goldberg’s defense of him.   The ‘Innocent Until Proven Guilty’ take.   Janice calls Whoopi a “Stupid…Woman.”  The I-Man remarks that you can literally hear her start saying the ‘B’ in ‘Bitch’ before switching to a less inflammatory word.   Sorry.  Fewer Inflammatory Word.

    FORGET STUPID.  WE’RE NOT EVEN SURE SHE’S A WOMAN

    8:45:09 A.M. – Bill O’Reilly is on and the I-Man starts by telling him that he loves when O’Reilly is talking with someone he disagrees with, and is trying very hard to control his temper.   It’s amusing.  Bill has a new Children’s Book Version of ‘Killing Patton’ called ‘Hitler’s Last Days’   A Kids’ Book About Hitler?  Didn’t Dr. Seuss do that already?

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Amy Schumer, apparently having a harder time with men than Lis Wiehl:

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-hF0eHyz6I 

    Tuesday
    Jul072015

    Rest in Peace, Jerry Weintraub

    6:03:12 A.M. – The Coolest Guy in the Room, Jerry Weintraub, passed away yesterday.  We’re all sad, because he was one of our favorite people.  A great guest, with hilarious stories of his life as a producer, promoter and manager.  Wherever you are Jerry, we hope you’re ‘Firing Ferguson’.

    JERRY WEINTRAUB

    1937-2015

    6:08:56 A.M. – Warner has been battling a cough since his return from Europe a month ago, and his Doctor has told him that, whenever he flies, he should wear a mask.  Warner says that he will be.  However, we’re not so sure Warner understands that the doctor means a Surgical Mask.   

    UM…WARNER?  NOT THAT KIND OF MASK

    6:15:44 A.M. – Connell reports on new evidence, from a formerly sealed court document, in which, Bill Cosby admits giving Quaaludes to a woman.  We assume he used Quaaludes because ‘Roofies’ weren’t invented yet.  If he knew then what we know now…

    “YA SEE…YOU GOT…TO PUT…THE QUAALUDES…IN THE…CAPPUCCINO…IF YOU WANT TO GET…IN THE PUDDIN’.”

    6:40:27 A.M. Lt. Colonel Bill Cowan is on to discuss ISIS.  He, like most of us, wonders why this country has taken it upon itself to deal with that terrorism, when the countries they’re terrorizing do nothing.  It’s like you’re holding Thanksgiving Dinner, and the rest of the countries are like your deadbeat brother in law who doesn’t bring anything, eats everything, and then falls asleep on your couch.

    “HEY…DUDE.  YOU’RE OUT OF CHIPS…”

    7:05:37 A.M.  The I-Man and Warner discuss Serena Williams and both agree that she just may be the greatest female tennis player of all time.  All…time.  Warner points out that she needs to win two more Grand Slam Titles to tie Steffi Graf, and FOUR to tie Margaret Court…which leads Imus to observe that “When Margaret Court played, she was jackin’ it up against all those old bags at the country club.”

    “15 LOVE, MARGARET.  GOOD SHOW!”

    7:15:44 A.M. –  Connell relates the story about Cosby, and how there was money given to women, through their William Morris Agents, ostensibly, in return for their silence.  “What else would the money be for?”  Wonders the I-Man.  “…to send them to college?”  That would be one option…the other would be to send them to rehab to get that Quaalude monkey off their backs.

    QUAALUDES.  THEY’RE NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE

    7:18:36 A.M. –  Warner reports that the New York Giants may rescind their contract offer to their star defensive end, Jason Pierre-Paul, who blew his hand up with fireworks this past Fourth of July.  Imus correctly observes, “He won’t be called for holding.” 

    NOTE TO SELF, JASON: GET SOMEBODY ELSE TO LIGHT IT

    7:35:06 A.M. PSYCHOS! – Bo is on the warpath with the President for not taking on ISIS more aggressively and giving the troops what they need to fight them.  He says “We only got TWO Cruise Missiles left…maybe three.”   We’re pretty sure there’s more than two or three left…at the very least, they should be coming in by Fed Ex later this morning.  Gunz is upset with people who illegally leak sealed documents, such as the Cosby Papers, and when it was revealed that Pete Rose was gambling while he was playing.  Really, Gunz?  That’s all you have to be angry about?  We’d think you’d be more concerned about not getting any P***y for the past 5 years.  Deirdre is disgusted with the lack of ‘Customer Service’, especially Outlaw Conversions, and the way they treat their clients.  She couldn’t get a boss on the phone…she was forced to talk to some dude in Mumbai called ‘Steve’. 

    “OH MY GOLLY GOSH, MRS. AMOS…I AM SO SORRY YOU ARE NOT HAVING A POSITIVE EXPERIENCE WITH OUR OUTLAW CONVERSIONS…”

    7:45:16 A.M. – And Bernard questions the Greeks Work Ethic, and why this big, fat, Souvlaki Eaters won’t pay their debt.  We think it might be because nobody buys those cakes you see in the revolving case at Diners.

    BE HONEST.  YOU’VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE EVEN ORDER A SLICE…LET ALONE EAT IT

    8:07:34 A.M. – The I-Man is upset that some of you bastards have STILL not purchased a ‘MyPillow’, after years of humping the product.  We were all skeptical at first, because, as The Boss recalls, when meeting Michael Lindell, the MyPillow Creator, a former crack addict, it’s easy to think that he was…crazy.    “The boy was Jumpy”, he observes.  Maybe HE’S not getting much sleep.  That Crack will keep you up all night.

    “ONE DAY, I’M GOING TO INVENT THE ULTIMATE PILLOW.  BECAUSE…I HAVEN’T SLEPT SINCE CHRISTMAS”

    8:16:11 A.M. – Deirdre has brought the I-Man his breakfast.  An Egg (Organic) and Cheese (Soy) Sandwich, (On sprouted cardboard) along with some little vegetable sausage.  “These little wieners look just like yours, Gunz.”   He’s right about that.  Gunz is packing NO meat whatsoever.

    GUNZ.  NOT EVEN QUITE THIS BIG

    8:39:43 A.M. – Author Brad Thor is on to promote his latest book, Code of Conduct, Brad is a multi-million bestselling author of Thrillers that are considered ‘Faction’…which is fiction that’s…maybe a little more true than you’d like to think.   He spends his free time talking to the CIA, and was once part of an Anti-Terrorist ‘Think Tank’ along with Action Director Michael Bay, to come up with possible scenarios that could be carried out by terrorists, in an effort to stay a step ahead.  One of the situations he came up with…actually came true.  When he asked if he could brag about this ‘achievement’…they told him… ‘Um…no.’   He reveals that his protagonist, Scot Harvath, is his alter-ego…and that he doesn’t have sex.  We assume in the book.  We’d hate to think that Brad’s wife was holding out on him.

     

    BRAD THOR, BESTSELLING AUTHOR…AND GOD OF THUNDER

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    NOBODY had better stories than Jerry Weintraub.

    Here are two of them.

     The Elvis Check

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epwwGp2AA8k

     

    The George Clooney Prank

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4lYWuQME4c