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    Wednesday
    Dec112013

    You're in the POWER ROTATION!

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man wants to be brought up to speed on African Bands, as he is incredulous, as is most of the world, that, instead of Miriam Makeba, or Ladysmith Black Mambazo, two well respected African Musical Artists, CBS This Morning played Toto’s ‘Africa’ during their segment about the Mandela Funeral.  At least it wasn’t Billy Joe Shaver.

    CURRENTLY PLAYING THE LOUNGE IN HELL’S CASINO

    6:06:12 a.m. –   As if the Toto Infamia isn’t enough, it’s been announced that CBS Sports Network will be carrying the NFR from now on.  Which means that the I-Man won’t be able to watch it when he’s in Texas.  But seeing as how he’s already AT a %$#*ing Rodeo, it would appear to be a moot point.  Maybe without being able to watch the Tie Down roping, he won’t be going on and on about it like Whittaker Chambers getting a Thimerosal laced vaccination while viewing the Eagles Documentary and listening to Van Morrison’s ‘Astral Weeks.

    THE CALF IS LEAVING GAC AND JUMPING OVER TO CBS

    6:11:22 a.m. –  Warner reports that Johnny Mack Brown is not going to be re-signed by Texas.  Imus wonders when the Caretaker of his Brenham Ranch was ever signed to Texas.  Turns out that’s MAX Brown.  Here’s how you keep them straight:  Johnny Mack Brown works with a pigskin…Max Brown shovels Pig $#!&.

    IT’S NOT THIS MACK BROWN EITHER

    6:17:34 a.m. –  Connell reports that the family of six that went missing in the Nevada mountains has been found.  After their Jeep overturned in the wilderness, they braved the 21 below zero temperatures, for two days, by huddling together.  Of course, their biggest problem was that they were driving a Jeep and NOT an Escalade.  Because if they didn’t own such a CHUMP vehicle…they could’ve just hit the frigging ONSTAR Button.

    LOSE THE ATTITUDE AND JUST CALL A TOW TRUCK, OKAY, SWEETHEART?

    6:40:46 a.m. – Father Jonathan Morris is on for his annual holiday exorcism, except, this year, HE’S actually the one exorcised over Satan in the Morning’s antics.  The exchange leaves the Padre with a crisis of Faith that he is only able to justify by the knowledge that Imus is the only human being in history who The Baby Jesus would NOT forgive.

    “HOLY JESUS! UM…I MEAN…HOLY ME!  I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS A-HOLE…”

    6:55:11 a.m. – The I-Man wonders how Starbucks can run out of those little green stirrer deals that they stick in the hole in the plastic lid to keep the coffee hot.  He’s disturbed by this fact… he cannot fathom how they could not have enough of those to go around… “What if they ran out of coffee?”  Ah, White People’s Problems.

    THE REASON WHY THEY RUN OUT OF THESE THINGS IS BECAUSE THIS SELFISH MORON IS TAKING THEM FOUR AT A TIME

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The I-Man called it.  The world went Bat Dooky crazy over Obama’s handshake with Raul Castro.  He can’t believe people could be this stupid and petty.  What was he supposed to do? Play the knockout game?

    “SORRY, SEN~OR OBAMA…I JUST GOT OUT OF EL BAN~O AND THERE WAS NO PAPER TOWELS…”

    7:07:14 a.m. –   During the Mandela Funeral, there was apparently a fake sign language interpreter.  “Um…Kwame…Dikembe is stuck in traffic, can you stall for a little bit?”   The fact that he rolled his eyes and did the ‘J.O.’ gesture while President Obama was speaking should’ve been the first clue.

    THE UNIVERSAL SIGN FOR ‘FULL OF $#@!’

    7:19:38 a.m. –  The I-Man is cold.  The temperature in here is about that of the Tropic of Cancer, but the Boss is chilly.  It’s like a terrarium in here, Cactus would attempt to fan themselves… but Gramps needs a lap blanket.  Probably because Reptiles are cold-blooded.

    “NAT!!!!  TURN UP THE %$#ING HEAT!”

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Blonde on Blonde.  Please, Baby Jesus.  We realize we’ve asked for a lot this week, but we really need you to make it stop.  Just wave your little, chubby, 8 lb. 7 oz. Baby Jesus hand and make them go away.  In fact, we would actually sacrifice having to listen to the I-Man continue to incessantly talk about the effing rodeo as penance…if you would just find it in your heart to shut these two the hell up.

    ALL WE WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, BABY JESUS, IS A ‘SILENT’ NIGHT

    8:17:12 a.m.  –  “Jerry Jones” magically appears during Warner’s Sports report, and says the word ‘Titty’ about a million times.  Fox Business is still waiting for the Delay to catch up.  The program will now be another four hours longer. 

    JERRY DEMONSTRATES WHAT THE TITTY BAR PHYSICALLY DOES TO HIM

    8:40:08 a.m. –  Juan Williams is on to talk about the President’s visit to South Africa, and mentions that he told a friend he is on the Imus program ‘Once in a Blue Moon.’   “You’re in the POWER ROTATION!” the I-Man protests.  Maybe Juan just doesn’t want his friend to know he’s on the program that frequently.

    “NO…NO…I WASN’T ON WITH IMUS TODAY…MUST’VE BEEN A REPEAT…SERIOUSLY…IT MUST’VE BEEN THE LAST TIME I WAS ON…ABOUT THREE YEARS AGO…I KNOW I MENTIONED MANDELA’S FUNERAL…BUT UM…I WAS PREDICTING WHAT I THOUGHT MIGHT HAPPEN…”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE REASON FOR THE SEASON:

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lofRoxDl_GA 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_OmWREKhXo 

    Tuesday
    Dec102013

    More Christmas Cheer For All!

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man reveals something quite surprising about himself…he LOVES all the Christmas Decorations on 5th Avenue.  The pretty lights all twinkling, the giant plastic reindeer…the Rockefeller Christmas Tr…well, he won’t go THAT far.  Ebenezer Imus, a sucker for Holly and Mistletoe?  God Bless Us…everyone!

    IMUS PREFERS THE RED BALLS…TO BLUE BALLS

    6:15:30 a.m. –  Warner has a clip of Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.  Unfortunately, ‘Jerry’ isn’t ‘here’ this morning to talk to Mr. Wolf.  Apparently, Mr. Jones claims he is NOT going to be Warner’s ‘Dancing Monkey’.  Warner is disappointed like a kid who is denied a visit from Santa.  Which is saying something…as Warner is Jewish.   And to paraphrase Kinky Friedman, ‘We Gentiles believe the Jews killed Santa Claus.’

    TAKE THAT YOU FAT, ANTI-SEMITE BASTARD!

    6:17:34 a.m. – “He played both ways”   We are curious to hear which player Warner claims is bisexual…turns out he’s just referencing Green Bay Packer great, All-Pro, Heisman Trophy winning legend Paul Hornung, who played both defense AND offense.  Although he DID, however, play for the team known as the ‘Packers’…

    THIS BACKFIELD’S ‘IN MOTION’

    6:25:05 a.m. –  They’re having trouble with the oven over at Starbucks.  Carley will be a little late with the I-Man’s Vegetable Egg White Sammidge.  Uh oh. 

    SOMEBODY BETTER FIX THAT MOTHER#$%^ING OVEN…OR IT’S GONNA GET REALLY UGLY IN HERE.

    6:40:46 a.m. –  Alexis Glick is on to promote the GenYouth Foundation, and its work with nutrition…and…something about the National Dairy Council…and the NFL…and we really have no idea what the hell she’s talking about.  Somehow, Football and Cheese are related…we don’t know.  She IS in Chicago, which is only 90 miles from Wisconsin.  She must be a fan of the aforementioned Packers.

    GOT MILK?

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The Boss explains why it’s important to be seen in a Platinum Edition Escalade.  Why do you need one?  BECAUSE THEY MAKE THEM.   Anybody in a Suburban, has, clearly, just given up.

    IF YOU’RE SEEN IN A HYUNDAI SANTA FE?  YOU SHOULD JUST KILL YOURSELF

    7:17:15 a.m. –  Connell actually counts the house at Mandela’s funeral.  Apparently, it wasn’t a sell out.  An incredulous Imus cannot believe that McShane would be concerned with the ‘Empty Seats’ shown on the Jumbotron.  Clearly, the reason why it’s not Standing Room Only is because the I-Man hasn’t plugged it enough.  And, coincidentally, allow us to use the death of one of history’s most beloved icons to mention that Rob and Tony’s ‘I’m Dreaming of a Black n’ White Christmas’ tour ends this weekend, on Sunday at the New York Entertainment Club in Bellmore, Long Island, and The Seven Angels Theater in Waterbury, Connecticut.  How is that connected to Nelson Mandela, you ask?  He too, was dreaming of a ‘Black n’ White Christmas’…one in which  racial harmony would join together for Peace on Earth.

    THE DREAM GOES ON…

    7:18:17 a.m. –  The I-Man notices that Carrie Underwood has replaced Faith Hill in the TV opening for Sunday Night Football on NBC.  “It’s like the plot from that Nashville TV show.”  A cultural reference from Imus!   And one that Bernie is not aware of!   “You know, where the old country singer is replaced by the young country singer…”   NBC wouldn’t actually stage a stunt that might help promote the sagging ratings of one of their own shows, would they?   What’s next?  Al Roker in a Cowboy hat?

    AL ‘GRAVY PANTS’ ROKER

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Margaret Wrinkle is on to promote her book, Wash, which is a fictional story based on her family’s legacy as slave traders.  (What are they, like Baseball Cards)  It sounds like a fascinating book.  Tony doesn’t like the way she’s looking at him…she keeps telling him how ‘nice’ his teeth look.  He does hope the book does well, however…he plans on hitting her up for some reparations.

    “THANKS, MARGARET…NOW JUST COUGH UP THE 40 ACRES AND WE’RE EVEN.”

    8:01:02 a.m. –  Imus goes on a rant about why fat people bother drinking Diet Soft Drinks.  He then shows a clip of Cody Ohl from last night’s National Finals rodeo, resplendent in a pink shirt, and somewhat difficult to distinguish from the calves he’s roping.  Maybe he should start thinking about drinking Diet Coke.

    UM…YOU CALL HIM FAT.  WE’RE NOT INTERESTED IN GETTING ROPED TO A HITCHING POST

    8:07:14 a.m.  –  Lou makes an observation that winds up serving as Line of the Day:  “Dagen is the only woman that can make a man feel dirty.”  

    WE WILL ADMIT…THEM LEGS SURE MAKE US THINK DIRTY THOUGHTS…

    8:20:40 a.m. – Lou plays Canned Heat’s ‘Christmas Blues’, which features the lyric:  “You told me New Year’s Eve, that you’d be with me at Christmas Time.”   Which, obviously, is a year away, and, as we all know… $#!+ happens.   I-Man observes that she was probably drunk when she told the singer that.  Then again, he was probably the one drinking…if he actually believed her.

    “HEY!  HEY!  LISSHEN…BABY…LASHT YEAR YOU SHAID YOU’D BE HERE ROUND THISH TIME…WHERE THE &^%$ ARE YOU?”

    8:38:37 a.m. – Bob Schieffer is on to discuss Nelson Mandela, but, being that he’s from Texas, the I-Man decides to regale Mr. Schieffer with rodeo results.  In light of the tedium of having to listen to the Boss go ON and ON and ON about Tie Down roping, we’re beginning to believe that Nelson Mandela took the easy way out.

    “HMMM…SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT…CODY OHL HAS NOW PASSED TUF COOPER?”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    MORE CHRISTMAS CHEER FOR YOU!

      

    TRIUMPH, THE INSULT COMIC DOG’S

    CHRISTMAS SPECIAL!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UtZXP2FUBI 

     

    Monday
    Dec092013

    Stability in Afghanistan

    6:15:30 a.m. –   The I-Man is praising Mohegan Sun, where we were last Thursday and Friday, at the ‘Imus at Night’ concert with Delbert McClinton.  The crowd was especially festive Thursday Night…in fact, there was one woman, in particular, who was having such a good time, she jumped onstage and attempted to molest Delbert.  The Boss texted Wendy, Delbert’s wife, to tell him there was an overzealous fan, trying to ‘get’ her husband.  Wendy replied, “Sometimes, I kind of hope they DO get him.”  Fortunately for Delbert, The Crack Imus Security team wrestled the Groupie to the ground…and then took her for a ‘Check Up From The Neck Up’…although, she wasn’t quite as crazy as the crowd that got up at 5 o’clock in the morning on Friday Morning to ‘Watch’ us do a RADIO PROGRAM.

    DELBERT’S GROUPIE

    6:06:12 a.m. –  ESPN has made an official edict…on air talent can no longer use the word ‘suck’.  Which means that they probably can’t broadcast New York Giants or Knicks games anymore.  The I-Man observes that this new policy is somewhat ironic…in that ESPN, itself, sucks. 

    PROOF THAT ESPN DOESN’T SUCK

    6:17:34 a.m. – The Morning Log is missing.  Andre LeLong, the dude at ABC responsible for providing the log, is late.  Andre is a guy who wears a vest, suspenders, sock garters and spats.  He looks like he just stepped out of a barbershop quartet.  He is…in a word…CREEPY.  We shudder to think why he’s late this morning, but obviously, it takes a little more time to bury a coffin in the rain.

    THE VIEW OF ANDRE’S BACKYARD FROM HIS KITCHEN (WHERE HE CHOPS UP THE BODIES)

    6:40:46 a.m. – Bo  Dietl is on to discuss Nelson Mandela, who, according to Bo, was a great man, because he got rid of A Part Time in South Africa.  That’s a great legacy…making everything ‘Full Time’.  

    WE DON’T HAVE THE HEART TO TELL BO…THIS ISN’T NELSON MANDELA

    7:05:15 a.m. –   The I-Man shares that he was offered an opportunity to sponsor NASCAR driver Joe Nemechek.  20 Million Dollars.  Although he could save himself 19 million 999 thousand, 999 dollars by just burning a dollar bill in the street…with the very same results as he would get sponsoring this loser.

    WE GET THE FEELING HE DRIVES WITH THE LEFT BLINKER ON FOR THE ENTIRE RACE

    7:17:15 a.m. –  There’s no Quid Pro Quo here at Fox Business.   The I-Man responded to Kevin’s last minute request to have Kennedy on as guest, by immediately cancelling who we had booked…giving her the primetime 7:40 spot, without question.  But watch what happens when he asks for Friday off…

    TRANSLATION:  YOU FEED ME DISGUSTING GRUEL, I THROW UP IN YOUR FACE

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Kennedy is here.  She is lovely.  Smart, funny…and we suspect she’s a much better driver than Ted. 

    KENNEDY HAILS A CAB

    8:01:02 a.m. –  The I-Man begins to talk about the NFR.  Jesus.  God.  Jesus, please make him stop.  Baby Jesus we want You to use all Your Baby Jesus Powers…numb his tongue so we don’t have to listen to him talk about Tough Cooper and Cody Ohl…any more.  Please, Baby Jesus…work your Baby Jesus magic…forget turning the water into wine, the fishes and the loaves…healing the lepers…THIS takes precedence!

    ALAS, JESUS IS A RODEO FAN TOO

    8:18:12 a.m. –  Lou plays Robert Earl Keen’s ‘Merry Christmas From the Family”.   He plays the original Keen version, and not the Montgomery Gentry version.  “Because if you’re going to play ‘Merry Christmas From The Family’ you have to leave the tampon in”.  Um…WHAT???   Oh…you mean the lyric.  Never mind.

    READY TO LISTEN?

    8:38:37 a.m. – The Great Joe Beaver is on to discuss Nelson Mandela.  No, we’re just messing with you.  He’s on to talk about the National Finals Rodeo, for which he is doing the broadcast on the GAC Network.  Joe makes rodeo sound…interesting.  Maybe he can teach the I-Man how to do that when he’s giving Wyatt calf roping lessons.

    IT’S CUSTOMARY TO TAKE THE CALF TO DINNER BEFORE YOU DO THIS…

    9:00:18 a.m. –  Imus shares with us that Deirdre and Wyatt wake him up late at night to tell him the results of the NFR Tie Down Roping.   As opposed to just leaving a note he will find when he wakes up AT FOUR O’CLOCK IN THE EFFING MORNING.   The fact that the I-Man doesn’t see this as yet another piece of their master plan to get rid of him, is the very reason why they can do it.  That, and shining two flashlights in his eyes while shouting  ‘TRUCK!!!!’

    THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE THE I-MAN IS GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP

    9:15:30 a.m. –  Chuck Hagel is on his way to establish ‘Stability in Afghanistan’  Which, we assume, is the name of his new band…because ‘Stability in Afghanistan’ is an oxymoron.  Which, at first, we thought was pimple cream for stupid people.

    ‘STABILITY IN AFGHANISTAN’, PLAYING THEIR HIT, ‘KABUL COLLATERAL DAMAGE’

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS TAKES YET ANOTHER HIT

    WITH THIS YULETIDE CLASSIC

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLRnNMUOccY 

    Thursday
    Dec052013

    Is The I-Man Headed For a Home?

    6:05:10 a.m. –   There is a scandal brewing, and the I-Man is at the forefront of exposing the controversy:  Dennis Miller dyes his hair.  There is officially no God.  The formerly coolest cat in the room is now on an equal plane with your Uncle Morty.

    “YOU REALLY THINK THAT LOOKS NATURAL, CHA CHA?”

    6:06:12 a.m. – There is a discussion about the Rockefeller Christmas Tree, and the various Photographers who surround the Plaza offering to take pictures of tourists standing in front of it.  “Would you like a picture with the ‘Holiday Tree’?   HOLIDAY TREE?  Just what holiday is this CHRISTMAS tree celebrating?  We suppose that Menorah is for somebody’s birthday?

    “SOMEBODY’S NINE!  MAKE A WISH AND BLOW THEM OUT!!”

    6:17:34 a.m. – We are informed that we can no longer have Carley sing the dirty ‘Holiday Songs’.   O’Reilly is right.  There really IS a war on Christmas!  We don’t think we want to live in a world where we can’t have Ms. Shimkus sing about Mommy doing something more than just ‘Kissing’ Santa Claus.   We need to know what Scrooge-Like Grinch is behind this edict, and effectively sucking all the Joy out of this festive time of year.

    ON SECOND THOUGHT, PERHAPS NOT DOING FILTHY CHRISTMAS SONGS IS NOT THAT BAD AN IDEA AFTER ALL

    6:40:46 a.m. – The REAL Coolest Guy In The Room, not to mention the Most Lethal, (Even though he’s not ACTUALLY in the room…he’s live via satellite from an undisclosed location) Mike Baker is on, and uses the phrase ‘Goat Rope’ in discussing the Benghazi situation.  At first, we think it’s an ethnic slur, then realize it’s just a euphemism for “A situation where groups are obliged to comply with outdated, inconvenient or even counterproductive, rules.”  Like working on the Imus in the Morning Program.  Although, with some staff members, it would actually be considered “Buffalo Rope”.

    “DATE NIGHT” IN BENGHAZI…WHAT IS REFERRED TO IN LIBYA AS ‘GOAT ON A ROPE’

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The I-Man receives an email from his boss with the following statement:  “Working with you is like being on suicide watch.”   For who?  Imus?  Or our fearless leader?   All we know is, every morning, we are asked to surrender our belts and shoelaces to security.

    THE SIGN ON THE DOOR OF STUDIO G

    7:17:15 a.m. –  After 15 years, Hallak Cleaners FINALLY got enough starch in Imus’ jeans.  We think that it had less to do with the I-Man’s on-air threats, and more to do with Hallak’s deep-seated fear of Deirdre.  She’d take the starch OUT of that Dry Cleaner’s sails.  By removing his uvula through his anal cavity.  The good news for Deirdre is…at least now, there’s SOMETHING stiff in The I-Man’s jeans.

    WHEN YOU KEEP ‘EM BAGGY, NOBODY CAN SEE HOW MUCH OR LITTLE YOU’RE PACKING

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Mensa Meeting…and a huge, very spirited debate about The ‘Holiday’ Tree, versus ‘Christmas’ Tree.  Deirdre articulates the point brilliantly, with yet another ‘Line of the Week’:  “What’s next?  Should we call a Menorah the ‘Happy Candles’?”

    THIS IS ONE JUBILANT MENORAH!

    8:01:02 a.m. – All morning, the I-Man has been talking about Rolling Stone Magazine’s ‘Ten Greatest Songs of All Time.’   There is no Little Richard on the List, nor, for that matter, any K.C. and the Sunshine Band.  Ponderous.  Imus comes up with his own list, which, by the way, has no Beatles on it.  It does, however, include Kinky Friedman.  As self-absorbed as Kinky is, even HE doesn’t have one of his songs on his Top Ten List.  Van Morrison, of course, is represented with ‘Cypress Avenue’ from ‘Astral Weeks’.  Which, you will be happy to know, is the album Dr. Kevorkian suggests you put on the Victrola as a soundtrack to motivate you when using his ‘Final Exit’ machine.

    “YOU’RE STARTING TO FEEL SLEEPY NOW…THIS IS NORMAL…JUST EMBRACE IT, AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO LET GO…”

    8:15:30 a.m. –  In the wake of the Mensa Meeting, Imus mentions how much he likes Alan Colmes.  And then goes on about how Alan dyes his hair. As if Alan’s body image issues were ever suspect in the first place. We are starting to notice how obsessed the Boss is with Follicle matters.  Who is wearing a rug...who is dyeing their hair…spending WAY too much time looking in a mirror trying to primp his own unruly mane.  Vidal Sassoon isn’t that fixated with hair. 

    IF THIS WAS THE KIND OF ‘HAIR DON’T’ YOU WERE ROCKIN’…YOU MIGHT BE A LITTLE OCD ABOUT COIFFURES AS WELL

    8:27:54 a.m.  –  One of the Over the Top, Emotional Tributes accompanying Sam Champion’s Farewell to Good Morning America featured…Ginger Zee, who was effusive about what a great leader an inspiration Sam has been to her over the years, causing the I-Man to say “…and she didn’t have to sleep with him!”   Ginger says that if you “Look up ‘TV’ in the Dictionary, you will find Sam Champion’s picture.”   We agree, although we believe the ‘TV’ that’s referred to is the Euphemism for ‘Transvestite’.

    SAMMY WE HARDLY KNEW YE.  WE’LL MISS YOU TOO, ‘MISS’ CHAMPION

    8:40:08 a.m. –  Monica Crowley is on to discuss Obamacare, Benghazi, and whether or not her Brother-In-Law, Alan Colmes, dies his hair.  Alan is married to Monica’s sister, which means Thanksgiving must have been particularly interesting this year.  “Could you pass the peas, Monica?”  “I’d rather pass them than have Congress pass our Idiotic President’s health care bill.   But there are no peas left, because of the Socialist doctrine employed at this table because you decided to invite your poor neighbors over to have an equal share in the meal, even though they didn’t bring anything!”

    ONE OF THE GUESTS AT THE CROWLEY/COLMES THANKSGIVING…AND HE’S NOT HAPPY

    9:00:18 a.m. –  Deirdre has texted The Boss, and she’s not happy.  She happened to overhear our ‘Off the Air’ discussion about whether or not Deirdre and Wyatt will eventually put the I-Man in a Home.  She assures him, that, unlike what Rob and Tony maintain, she will NOT put him in a home.  He’s still going to one, however…but the Estate Attorney is the one who will be filing all the paperwork.  So HE will actually put the I-Man in the Home.  Deirdre and Wyatt will just visit. 

    “IT’S LUNCHTIME.”  “WHAT?”  “IT’S LUNCHTIME!”  “WHAT?”  “IT’S LUNCHTIME, YOU DEAF OLD BASTARD!”  “WHAT?”  “TIME FOR YOUR ENEMA!”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN KEEPING WITH THE CONCEPT OF

    SUCKING THE JOY

    OUT OF THIS FESTIVE HOLIDAY SEASON

     

    AN UNFORTUNATE EPISODE IN THE NORTHERN WOODS

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQHgITnrCLI 

    Wednesday
    Dec042013

    Bad Santa

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man has to work Friday for Fox, but Fox won’t work Friday for Imus.  We will be broadcasting live from the Wolf Den at Mohegan Sun.  Irony, where is thy sting?  We asked Imus ‘Forget the Wolf…what did Fox Say?’   ‘Ding Ding Ding Ding Ringedingding’.

    HE WON’T BE WORKING FRIDAY 

    6:06:12 a.m. – The I-Man can’t clear his throat and begins to gargle during Connell’s news.  Unfortunately, Connell was reporting on the Train Wreck story.  We’re often asked about what we consider the most important thing in Com…TIMING!

    “...AND THERE WAS A TWELVE ALARM FIRE AT THE ORPHANAGE WHERE 50 PUPPIES WERE BURNED BEYOND RECOGNITION…”

    6:25:05 a.m. – Imus is disappointed…(Read: ‘Really Annoyed’) over the fact that we didn’t get him anything for his 42nd Anniversary on New York Radio.  42?  What?  He’s not Jackie Robinson!  We promise we will get him something for his 50th Anniversary…like a nice wreath we can leave behind after we visit him…

    HAPPY ANNIVERSARY…TO YOUUUUUU….

    6:40:46 a.m. – Michael Reidel is on, and mentions that he has just seen ‘What’s It All About?’ the new Burt Bacharach Off-Broadway Musical.  What’s it all about?  We just told you.  Burt Bacharach. Pay attention, you morons.  Reidel said he was surprised by, not only how good the show was, but that it has one of the best looking casts on or OFF Broadway.  Not, ‘The Best Looking Chicks’…the ‘Best Looking Cast’   We’re starting to worry a little about Michael.  He’s beginning to veer into Frank Rich Territory.  Next thing you know, Reidel will be writing pompously tedious political columns for the New Yorker.

    NOT SO FAST THERE, WEB-SLINGER…THE GREY GOBLIN’S GOT YOUR NUMBER

    7:05:15 a.m. –  Roxanne Roundtree wants to donate 1500 dollars to the Ranch.  What?  Are you kidding us?  She apologizes that it’s ‘not enough’.  Amazing.  Not that this extraordinary lady has such an enormous heart…but that the I-Man isn’t telling her that the donation is… ‘not enough’.

    THE REMARKABLE ROUNDTREE FAMILY – ORDER THAT COOKBOOK!

    YOU WILL THANK US IN THE END

    7:17:15 a.m. –  Imus is irritated that he can’t concentrate on his Chess Game With Connell talking during the News. Really?  This from the man who is deafer than Helen Keller working at a Dynamite Plant.  “You’re taking my book?  What book?  I didn’t read any Chess Book!”

    “CZECH?  YOU’RE CZECH?”

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Blonde on Blonde.  Lis is back from three weeks of convalescing after her knee surgery.  (Which is what she’s calling her ‘Vagina Tightening’) The first topic is about the Flu Shot. Oh boy.  Vaccinations.  So much for her easing back into the fold.  Deirdre’s head is about to explode.

    LIS’ SURGERY.  (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    7:45:50 a.m. – During the segment with the Blondes, the issue of ‘Vaginal Rejuvenation Surgery’ comes up, (For those of you who follow these kinds of procedures…it’s not the one where the ‘Wizard’s Sleeve’ is ‘Tailored’…it’s the one where the ‘Holland Tunnel’ undergoes renovations to turn it into ‘One Lane’.)  This discussion leads to another of the ‘supposed benefits’ of Viagra.  The I-Man maintains he took it to help him breathe easier when he ran on the treadmill.  Yah.  Lis likens that excuse to women insisting that their Botox injections are for their migraine headaches.  Usually, a woman ‘Having a headache’ makes the use of Viagra a moot point, but, then again, taking it before running on a treadmill does make for a ‘trippig hazard’.

    HEY THERE, BIG FELLA.  BE CAREFUL, YOU MIGHT TURN OFF THE TREADMILL BY MISTAKE

    8:05:12 a.m. –  Carley debuts yet another song from her new Christmas Album:  ‘Rudolph the Red-Boned Reindeer’.  She had trouble with the term ‘Woodrow’.  It’s very difficult for a bunch of middle aged perverts like us explain to this delicate little flower that ‘Woodrow’ does not refer to the 28th President of the United States, rather, it’s a euphemism for a ‘Stiffy’, ‘Boner’…an ‘Erection’.  This, however, does not stop the I-Man from insisting that Carley articulate the lyrics in the song…especially the word ‘Bone’.   As difficult as it is to listen to a 73 year old man tell a 25 year old woman how to pronounce a profane slang for penis, we have to admit, we really find Carley singing phrases like ‘Rudolph with your jock so tight’…really puts us in… um… ‘The Christmas Spirit’.

    RUDOLPH: APPARENTLY HIS NOSE IS NOT THE ONLY THING THAT GLOWS

    8:07:12 a.m.  –  Connell is referred to by Imus as a ‘Money Grubbing Skunk’.   What happened to Good Ol’ ‘Numbnuts’?  We have to say, we’ve known Connell now for five years…and he’s definitely NOT ‘Moneygrubbing.’

    ‘PEPE’ MCSHANE

    8:20:37 a.m. – “The most irresponsible people on the planet are cocaine dealers.”  The I-Man makes this pronouncement, while, in the same breath, saying that he would always wait until he ran OUT of coke before he called the dealer.  Of course, if he ordered more coke before he finished what he already had, he’d  have begun doing that batch at the same time…in which case, he’d still be awake…today.

    IF WE HAD THESE ON EVERY CORNER WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO STAND AROUND

    AT 3 O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING WAITING FOR ‘HECTOR’ TO ARRIVE

    8:22:44 a.m. – Warner has been given a warning.  He either agrees to start trashing fellow Sportscasters or he’s out of ‘Vinnie From Queens’ this Friday.   In response, he calls Mike Francesa “An American Treasure”.  We see what he’s trying to do.  Imus says he better get with the program or he’ll be fired, a threat to which Warner responds, “You wouldn’t say that to that pompous fat bastard Francesa”.

    MIKE ENJOYS A LIGHT LUNCH AT RAO’S

    8:40:37 a.m. –  Liz McDonald is on to discuss her new book, Skirting Heresy, which chronicles the life of Margery Kempe , one of the earliest Christian reformers before the days of Joan of Ark, (Who, around 1431 was alive but…’medium well’)   Liz reveals that writing about Kempe was challenging, as most of  her works had to be translated from ‘Middle English’.  I-Man, excitedly, chimes in.  “That’s what the Hobbits spoke in Lord of the Rings!”  Um…no.  They lived in ‘Middle Earth’.  Middle English was the language Chaucer used for his Canterbury Tales:  ‘Whan that Aprille with his shoures soote, the droghte of Marche hath perced to the roote, and bathed every veyne in swich licour of which vertu engendred is the flour;’   And, while we’re at it…all those middle fingers you get on the street…they aren’t telling you they think you’re ‘Number One’.

    YOU WON’T FIND MARGERY KEMPE ANYWHERE IN ANY OF THE THREE MOVIES

    8:20:37 a.m. –  Imus scolds Neil Cavuto for bringing ‘Ugly People’ on to discuss the issues.  The I-Man observes that “You can get all sorts of people to talk about ANYTHING.  You might as well get some hot babes to do it.”   Not that we would ever stoop so low… (Blonde on Blonde, Carley Shimkus, Meghan Kelly, Dagen McDowell, Martha MacCallum, Lori Rothman…Stuart Varney)

    ONE OF THE EXPERTS NEIL HAD ON RECENTLY TO DISCUSS ‘OBAMACARE’

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    In our continuing efforts to drag you, kicking and screaming, Into the Festive Holiday Season, we offer you the following scenes from one of the Funniest, Filthiest Christmas Movies Ever Made

    Billy Bob Thornton IS:

     BAD SANTA

      

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpybGF13A7c