6:01:12 A.M. – After Two Weeks and Two Days feeling adrift as a rudderless ship, the I-Man is finally back on the air. He is in his Texas studio, the one he built on his ranch in Brenham, and he says, by force of habit, he looked for Carley to get his coffee. Of course, Carley is 1700 miles away, here in New York City, so, we don’t know who is going to drive the 15 miles to the nearest Starbucks. Maybe his Ranch Hand, T.Money, will ride one of the horses into town for the ‘Black Eyes’. And by ‘Black Eyes’, we mean the coffee with two shots of espresso, and not what T. might get if he calls the Sherriff a ‘Pussy’.
“LEMME GET THIS STRAIGHT…YOU RODE 15 MILES TO GET A ‘BLACK EYE’ FOR ONE OF THEM ‘NEW YORK JEEEEEEWWWS?”
6:15:56 A.M. – The Boss provides us with his observation of The Donald’s declaration of his intention to run for president: During his campaign speech, according to Imus, Trump “…sounded like a drunk at a bar.”
“…I BUILT THIS BAR, IT’S THE BEST BAR IN NEW YORK, EVERYBODY KNOWS IT..”
6:22:44 A.M. – Imus has taken to watching the local news, and already has a favorite. He’s in Houston, and his name is Dave Ward, anchor of KTRK TV Channel 13’s ‘Eyewitness News’ at 6 PM. The Boss Googled Dave, and found out that he’s been doing news for 50 years. And so, now when he reports it on the air, it appears to be as much of a surprise to him as it is to the viewing audience. We can see The I-Man and Ol’ Dave becoming BFF’s…seeing that, already, they have one thing in common. They are both 20 minutes from wandering around the Bus Station with a note pinned to their chest: “Please take care of my Grandpa.”
DAVE WARD. HE’S NOT RESEARCHING A STORY…
6:25:50 A.M. – Imus tells us that he has been the recipient of a number of texts and emails from Dwight Yoakam…wondering when the Boss would return to the air…and the minute Imus turned on his phone this morning, there was another one. Dwight obviously has a problem with his free time so we suggest that “Somebody give Paw Paw his pills…”
“C’MON NOW! BRING PAW PAW HIS PILLS!!!”
6:39: 27 A.M. – I-Fave, Congressman Peter King, the Rep of the 2nd District of Long Island is the guest…and the I-Man wants to know whether or not Peter King is still thinking about running for President. But although our boyhood dreams were to become a Major League Baseball Player, Astronaut, or President… we gave them up right around the time we stopped believing in the Tooth Fairy. The Boss asks The Congressman if he likes Trump. Rep. King responds that he likes Donald. What a pussy. Here’s a guy who wants to be president but is afraid to take a shot at one of his competitors. NOT the guy you want to go after ISIS.
7:15:37 A.M. – Secure in his spot on the Trump Bandwagon, Imus says he can’t wait for the first debate in August, because, if one of the other 9 candidates insults Donald, the Billionaire will go “All Adrian Petersen” on him. We don’t think he means that Trump will rush 100 yards, but that he will take a switch, pull down Marco Rubio’s pants and give him something to cry about…
“I KNOW HOW TO GIVE SPANKINGS…I’M VERY VERY RICH.”
7:17:42 A.M. – Deirdre has entered the Texas I-Studio, and the Boss remarks that, even without makeup, the I-Woman still looks pretty hot. Now that we’re no longer on television, he wonders what shape Ol’ Lis will be in when she comes stumbling in for Blonde on Blonde later this hour.
BEFORE MAKEUP AFTER MAKEOVER OVERHAUL
7:19:26 A.M. – It appears that the I-Man is in the path of Tropical Storm Bill, which, already, has kicked up winds that, Deirdre Fears, will knock down all the trees on the Ranch. So, it looks as if the I-Man’s pants are going to get wet this morning…which, wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened, so at least, he’ll be used to it.
THE I-MAN, HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH AN UNIDENTIFIED MAN,
OBLIVIOUS TO THE ‘SITUATION’ WITH HIS ‘SITUATION’
7:45:16 A.M. – BLONDE ON BLONDE or, as we like to call it… “What’s Lis’ older brother doing here in the studio?” We kid. We kid. Lis, taking full advantage of not being on TV is ‘Slumming’ this morning…and has ‘stumbled in’ as predicted, sporting a ponytail, flip flops and no makeup, …yet still inspires us to say ‘Now there’s a good looking woman.’ We imagine what we see in our studio is similar to what the I-Man is seeing in his…although Lis is not wearing a shirt with a neckline that goes down to her belly button. Nah nah nah nah! The ladies ‘discuss’ a series of issues, including Donald Trump, who Deirdre is a huge fan of. Which is a little uncharacteristic for her. One would not take her for a woman who finds a much older, ridiculously rich man with ‘Hair Issues’ attractive.
OKAY…WE CAN SEE WHERE DEIRDRE WOULD BE ATTRACTED TO THIS
7:47:47 A.M. – The I-Man asks the ladies if either of them has taken Sex Ed when they were in school. Deirdre insisted they offer that subject when they were in school, and thus, for a long while, assumed a ‘Menstrual Cycle’ was a fancy bike ridden by someone who sings Madrigals. Lis, on the other hand, did an ‘Independent Study’…where there were many ‘Labs’…mostly after school, and generally conducted by the Boys’ Gym Teacher.
YOUNG LIS WITH HER ‘HYGIENE’ TEACHER, ‘MR. HOWARD”
8:05:10 A.M. – Apparently, Deirdre has some ‘Microphone Issues’, where she reports that you can barely hear her. The I-Man seems concerned about this, which is ironic, as most of the time, he enjoys the power of shutting OFF her mike.
EFFECTS OF MIKE TURN OFF (ARTISTS’ RENDERING)
8:40:40 A.M. – Hannah Storm of ESPN is on to discuss the NBA Finals with the Boss. She finally explains how Golden State Forward Andre Iguodala won the MVP Award…even though he didn’t start in the first three games. Hannah says that inserting him in the lineup changed the series to favor the Warriors…he was an All-Star Last Year, and was bench player this year…but came up big in the Finals. All we know is…we are happy that Mr. Iguodala was the MVP Award Recipient over the Self- Declared Greatest Basketball Player in the World Right now, LeBron James, as Warner has no trouble pronouncing the name ‘James’. Iguodala, however, sounded like Dr. Bill Evans saying “Meteorologist” with a mouthful of pebbles after a Massive Stroke.
“MMHGMM MGHM MGMMGH GLGMMM”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
THE I-MAN’S NEW OBSESSION
KRTV ABC 13’S DAVE WARD
(DAVE KICKS IN AROUND 0:42)