Member Nav

 

Deirdre's Corner

Don't forget to catch Deirdre on Blonde on Blonde, Wednesdays at 7:35am and Psychos, Thursday at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning! 
 

 

Take a Vacation From Stress - By Deirdre Imus-July 2016 - Summer evokes a sense of nostalgia in most of us: carefree days and nights spent on the beach, chasing lightning bugs in the yard, licking melted ice cream off sticky fingers. The weather was warm, time was irrelevant, and homework non-existent. It was all so exciting, and full of possibility.  Read more... 

 Celebrating 15 Years Protecting Children's Health & the Environment

 The Deirdre Imus Environmental Health Center®  - When you are among the first voices to speak out on an issue, it’s difficult to know if anyone is listening. When I founded The Deirdre Imus Environmental Health Center® at Hackensack University Medical Center fifteen years ago, concern about our children's health being impacted by toxic exposures in the environment was not the hot button, trendy issue it is today.  Read more...

 

Deirdre's Dish Pick

 

Spiralized Summer Salad: Recipe courtesy of Barbara Simpson, Muirhead Foods - We are enjoying our spiralizer here at Muirhead Foods.  It is easy to use and easy to clean (watch the blade).  Summer squash is now available on the east coast in the markets and is a perfect vegetable to spiralize.  We keep it healthy by using Muirhead Balsamic Vinaigrette now made with organic ingredients and NO gums.  This dish is a good way to get your daily dose of seasonal vegetables.

If you have a fond memory from your childhood about some of the dishes we post please click here to contact us, we would love to hear your story.

If you have a Healthy Recipe that you enjoy and would like to see others indulge in, please share it with us: Deirdre.Imus@hackensackmeridian.org - You may have your recipe posted live on my Recipe Page! 

Deirdre's Book Pick Of The Week

 

Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance - In this instant New York Times bestseller, pioneering psychologist Angela Duckworth shows anyone striving to succeed—be it parents, students, educators, athletes, or business people—that the secret to outstanding achievement is not talent but a special blend of passion and persistence she calls “grit.”


    Support The Deirdre Imus Environmental Health Center

The Deirdre Imus Environmental Health Center® is devoted to the health and well-being of children, their parents and the general public. Donations to the Environmental Health Center will support research on children's environmental health.

 

Follow Us On

 

  
Inside Imus Control Center
The Imus Ranch Foundation

With the closing of The Imus Ranch For Kids with Cancer, The Imus Ranch Foundation was formed to donate 100% of all donations previously devoted to The Imus Ranch for Kids with Cancer to various other charities whose work and missions compliment those of the ranch. The initial donation from The Imus Ranch Foundation was awarded to Tackle Kids Cancer, a program of The HackensackUMC Foundation and the New York Giants.  In addition, once the Imus Ranch for Kids with Cancer is sold, 100% of those funds will be contributed to The Imus Ranch Foundation.

Warner's Sports Corner

Tyronn Lue, Cavaliers agree to contract extension - The Cleveland Cavaliers and coach Tyronn Lue have agreed on a five-year contract extension worth $35 million.

Jones carries Orioles to 3-2 win over Rockies in 10 innings -  Adam Jones scored the winning run in the 10th inning on a low throw to the plate by pitcher Jordan Lyles, and the Baltimore Orioles beat the Colorado Rockies 3-2 on Monday night for their fifth straight victory
 
Gordon Reinstated - Browns' Josh Gordon reinstated, set to serve four-game suspension
 
Tigers Beat Red Sox - Timely Tigers spoil Pomeranz's 2nd Red Sox start in 4-2 win

Recent Guests:
    Friday
    Aug212015

    If My Mother Had Been a Wheelbarrow...

    6:05:00 A.M. – The I-Man is taking this Friday off, as is his custom, (“Befitting a legend” says Bernie, sucking up like a Pilot Fish) and so Bernard is hosting…which, you wouldn’t know if it weren’t for the fact that he announces the fact with a few blasts of his trademark air horn.  At least we’re assuming Bernard is hosting and not just a Cruise Ship docking next to the Intrepid.

    THE TOILETS ARE GUARANTEED NOT TO WORK ON THIS VESSEL

    6:08:56 A.M. – While reporting on Pac Man Jones’ claim that, if it weren’t for his suspensions he would have made 100 million dollars, Warner says that… “Well, if my mother had been a wheelbarrow she wouldn’t…” We think he means to invoke the adage: “If my grandmother had wheels, she’d be a wheelbarrow.”   But… “If my mother had been a wheelbarrow…”    Finish that thought, Warner.  What if you mother were a wheelbarrow?  Would you push her around the yard by her ankles?

    “OKAY MA, I’M GOING TO PUT SOME BRICKS ON YOUR BACK NOW.”

    6:15:44 A.M. – Bernie reports that ‘Deez Nuts’, a prank pseudonym for a presidential candidate created by a 15 year old farm boy, is polling well in North Carolina…certainly higher than Senator Lindsey Graham...who, as you might expect, is BELOW ‘Deez Nuts’.  While the Poll…well, the way we’ve always understood it, is… ABOVE ‘Deez Nuts’.   Unless of course the person possessing ‘Deez Nuts’ had been kicked in the crotch.

    WE’D LIKE TO SUPPORT DEEZ NUTS

    6:40:27 A.M. Bernie’s favorite Congressman, Peter King, is on, and he believes that Hillary should’ve said up front what the story was with the Emails.  Of course, if she had admitted the truth at the very beginning, she probably wouldn’t be in as much trouble as she is now.  Then again…if she was a wheelbarrow…

    HILLARY WIPING HER SERVER CLEANER THAN MONICA’S BLUE DRESS

    …AND EMPLOYING A WHEELBARROW TO RID HER HOME OFFICE OF EVIDENCE, ALONG WITH THE SHOVEL SHE’LL USE TO HEAP THE PILE OF BULLSH*T SHE’LL BE USING IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE HER ASS FROM INDICTMENT

    7:05:11 A.M.  Bernie is STILL carrying a grudge against Mayor Bolshevik Bill DeBlasio, for his plans to rid Times Square of the Topless Women…which, may even include closing the pedestrian plaza that was recently built.  Which means there may not be a lot of time to check these babes out.  In fact, we would recommend going today…as we are expecting heavy rain…and we don’t know that the paint is waterproof.

    HOPEFULLY, THESE COLORS WILL RUN

    7:15:37 A.M. – Bernie plays a few cuts from Bernie Sanders’ Album.  Yes, that’s not a typo, the Socialist Candidate for President actually released a record called ‘We Shall Overcome’…a selection of Folk Songs that…well you could call it a ‘Spoken Word’ Album…if it weren’t for the fact that Bernie recites the lyrics…rhythmically.  Which leads us to believe that’s his actual singing voice.

    IT DIDN’T GO ‘PLATINUM’, IT DIDN’T GO ‘GOLD’…IT DIDN’T EVEN GO ‘LEAD’

    7:22:44 A.M. – The term ‘Anchor Babies’ is discussed, as Bernie believes it’s ‘Much Ado About Nothing.’ We, however, strongly believe this practice should be stopped.  Immediately.

    AN ANCHOR BABY DROPS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ATLANTIC

    THIS IS WRONG.  JUST…WRONG

    7:38:26 A.M. VINNIE FROM QUEENS where Gunz states that Johnny Manziel is his idol.  Makes sense.  They’re both too short to play for the NFL.

    GUNZ EMULATING HIS PETITE HERO

    7:39:59 A.M. – The boys discuss Tiger Woods having a great appearance at the Wyndham Championship. Despite the fact that it’s a Chump Championship.

    TIGER TEEING OFF ON THE CHALLENGING, 11TH HOLE, PAR FOUR, ‘WYNDHAM WINDMILL’

    (AT WHICH, HE CHOKED AND TRIPLE BOGEYED)

    7:41:37 A.M. – The topic of John McEnroe’s chances of beating Serena Williams is brought up, and Warner says that interviewed Chris Evert, who said she played her husband, John Lloyd, and he beat her EVERY TIME.  No matter how good she was, she said, he would always win because he’s a man. Of course, that was back in the days when they played tennis with wooden racquets…when the question was whether or not Renee’ Richards could beat herself in a tennis match.

    IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL ‘MIXED DOUBLES’?

    7:45:16 A.M. – Bigger Douche?  Brian Cashman vs. Roy Jones.  A guy for telling future Yankee Hall of Famer Derek Jeter he’d rather have Troy Tulowitzki, OR a guy asking Vladimir Putin for Russian Citizenship.  

    “YO, FYODOR…WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME IT WAS SO MUTHAF@CKIN’ COLD UP IN THIS BITCH?”

    8:09:34 A.M. – Noam Laden, who is filling in on the News for Connell today,  reports that North Korea has given South Korea until 5 PM today, (North Korea Time) to stop blaring criticisms of Kim Jong Un’s regime on loudspeakers over the border.   We can only imagine how nasty these propaganda-laden messages must be: “Over here we have KIA’s with Bluetooth.  Over there, you got man with ONE tooth riding an ox.”  “You like your Dog?  Well, over here you don’t have to eat it.”   “We have nuclear power.  You don’t even have cable.”

    ONE OF KIM’S STAFF ENJOYING LUNCH

    8:39:43 A.M. – Alan Colmes has phoned in, apparently, non-plussed by yesterday’s PSYCHOS where Deirdre beat on him like a Rented, Red-Headed, Step Mule.   He and Bernie have a spirited debate over wide range of subjects, including Bernie Sanders running a positive campaign, Hillary’s ‘You’ve Got Mail’ controversy, and Donald Trump’s ascendency.    This is an unusual situation for Alan to find himself in, as usually, when he’s on the program, it’s with Deirdre, Bernie, Curtis Sliwa and Bo Dietl, who treat him as though he was being jumped into a gang.

    “ISN’T THERE AN EASIER WAY TO INITIATE ME INTO THE GROUP?  LIKE I HAVE TO CARRY SOME ORGANIC SOYBEANS IN MY PANTS, OR SOMETHING?”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    ADOLF…IS NOT A FAN OF TRUMP’S 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajqWJEVKMLc

    Thursday
    Aug202015

    The 'Rump Roast'

    6:05:00 A.M. –ATT cut the phone line to the Ranch and that’s why the Fax Machine was dead…but the printer in the Brenham Studio STILL doesn’t work.  Apparently there’s some sophisticated, digital, technical problem, that, in order to be remedied, a complicated procedure must be performed.  It’s known as ‘Changing the Ink Cartridge’

    “SOMEBODY CALL TECH SUPPORT…I’M NOT SURE WHERE TO GET THESE TRASH CONTAINERS…AND I DON’T THINK THEY’RE GOING TO FIT…”

    6:08:56 A.M. – Listening to clips from Donald Trump’s ‘Town Hall’ in New Hampshire yesterday, the I-Man comes to the following conclusion:  “Trump reminds me of Francesa.”  In what respect?  He falls asleep in the middle of a phone call?

    “WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND…”

    6:26:27 A.M. When asked by Jimmy Kimmel who would win if he were to play Serena Williams, John McEnroe says he believes he would win.  We think he may be suffering from delusions from one of those side effects of that humiliating Toe Fungus Commercial he does.

    WE’RE PRETTY SURE THAT SERENA WOULD BEAT THIS FUNGUS LADEN FOOT AS WELL

    6:36:27 A.M. – Carl ‘Two Questions’ Jeffers is on, and we think that he may be renamed as ‘One Question’.  He believes that Trump is saying what’s on the minds of average Americans, but he’s sucking all of the air out of the political process with rhetoric that resonates with the common public because they feel disenfranchised by…zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.    

    THE I-MAN WAS ACTUALLY ABLE TO LEAVE THE STUDIO, GO DOWNSTAIRS, HAVE BREAKFAST, AND BRING BACK A CUP OF COFFEE BEFORE CARL STOPPED TALKING

    7:05:37 A.M. – The I-Man announces “You’ll be happy to know, Don Henley has a new album…it’s a Country Album called ‘Cass Country’.   We suppose this is going on the Power Rotation…which is GREAT news.  Because it means the Boss will stop playing the Jimmy Rabbit record.

    TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

    7:12:44 A.M. – The topic of ‘Anchor Babies’ comes up, and the allegation is that Donald Trump is racist as he believes they should be deported.  We are in favor of Anchor Babies.  Because without them…who is going to do the Baby News?

    “OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT…THE BINKY SHORTAGE IN TEL AVIV…”

    7:38:06 A.M. PSYCHOS or, as we like to call it, ‘Sidney Poitier and Jeffrey Dahmer In: Guess Who’s Gonna Be Dinner?’   Curtis is fed up with ‘Comrade Bill DeBlasio’ saying that the Guardian Angels are not needed to patrol the city, while just one stroll through Times Square offered a knock down drag out fist fight on 42nd Street, Homeless people laying prone like speed bumps on the sidewalks and junkies nodding out after coming back from scoring in Hell’s Kitchen.  In other words…just another Wednesday Night in the Apple. 

    CURTIS SURVEYING THE SQUARE ON THE ‘ANGEL TRON’

    7:39:56 A.M. – Curtis makes it painfully clear that he HATES ‘Straight Outta Compton’, and all concomitant violence and misogyny that goes along with it.  (Our words…we think he used ‘Moolah Shmoolah’ in place of ‘concomitant’)  Deirdre concurs, and is appalled at Donald Trump’s disrespectful treatment of women.  For which, somehow, she maintains is Alan’s fault.

    WE SUPPOSE THAT, IF SHE BEATS HIM HARD ENOUGH, HE WILL BREAK OPEN AND ORGANIC CANDY WILL FALL OUT

    7:41:38 A.M. – The D-Woman is still honked off about the Gender Neutral Bathrooms at Starbucks.  Alan doesn’t have a problem with them, which, Deirdre says, doesn’t surprise her because, in her estimation, not unlike the Hermaphrodites availing themselves of the Gender Neutral ‘Terlets’ (As Curtis Sliwa refers to them) Alan has no balls.

    HE’S GOING TO WRITE A BOOK…

    7:44:06 A.M. –Bernard is still on his crusade to destroy the Daily News’ crusade to ban the naked women from Times Square.  Which, come to think of it, might be the reason why Times Square has suddenly become the safest neighborhood in the city, as there are LOTS of curious Guardian Angels there…looking to protect those ladies of course.  California Condors don’t have that kind of protection. 

    HE’S NOT EXACTLY GUARDIAN ANGEL MATERIAL, BUT GUNZ IS ALSO BOYCOTTING THE DAILY NEWS’ CAMPAIGN…BECAUSE THIS IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS HE WILL EVER GET TO A NAKED WOMAN

    8:05:16 A.M. –  The I-Man announces that Bernie will be hosting the program tomorrow, and “Nooooooooaaaaaaam Laden” will be doing the news, making fun of the way Noam, has made it a point to pronounce his name as TWO syllables, to avoid it sounding like he should be one of those little statues you see in people’s gardens.

    “GNOME?  OF COURSE!  WE WORK WITH HIM!”

    8:19:34 A.M. – Imus tells Warner that, during the upcoming Sports Report, he will be munching on a ‘Melted Cheese Sammich with Wickles on Sourdough Bread.’  Wickles, apparently, are hot pickles…and not small growths that hang off old peoples’ chins.

     

    THIS.                                               NOT THIS.

    8:25:11 A.M. – Former Portland Trailblazers Greg Oden will be playing with the Jiangsu Dragons of the CBA, the Chinese Basketball Association.  The 7 Foot Center will, effectively reduce all the other teams in the League to the Washington Generals, who lose every game to the Harlem Globetrotters, as there aren’t many Jeremy Lins or Yao Mings playing.

    ODEN AND ONE OF HIS NEW TEAM MATES

    8:39:43 A.M. – Jeff Greenfield, an old friend of the show, phones in to say that he finds the current Political Season so intriguing, he decided he needed to comment on it, and so has begun writing for ‘The Daily Beast’.  He observes that there is a subset of Americans who are fed up with the political process who are responsible for the continuing support for Donald Trump.  

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE ‘RUMP ROAST’

    OOPS!

    WE MEAN, THE ‘TRUMP ROAST’ 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sF_ybKPD99E 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6ToZcZkVzE

    Wednesday
    Aug192015

    Happy Birthday Lis Wiehl!

    6:05:00 A.M. – The I-Man, in Austin for adopted son Zach’s Navy Commission, was having a post-ceremony snack at the Four Seasons, and was approached by a fan who had the album cover from 1200 Hamburgers to Go as the Wallpaper on the Home Page of his Cell Phone.   There’s a movie about somebody like that.  It’s called “Misery”.

    “I’M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!  I ALSO HAVE THE COVER OF ‘THIS HONKY’S NUTS’ TATTOOED ON MY…WELL, NUTS.”

    6:08:56 A.M. – In the middle of talking about the problems he’s having with the Fax Machine in his Brenham Studio, we hear the following disturbing phrase.  “Wyatt?  Why are you walking around naked?”   It’s not, however, as disturbing as if Wyatt were to ask, “Dad?  Why are you walking around naked?”

    THANK GOD HE PUT SOME PANTS ON. 

    “HEY, I-MAN.  IS THAT A BULGE IN YOUR JOCKEYS?  OR IS IT JUST YOUR TRUSS?”

    6:20:40 A.M. – “Did you see O’Reilly last night with Trump?”  The I-Man asks.  “Are they dating?”  We don’t think so...

    “YOU KNOW BILL…YOU’RE TERRIFFIC.  YOU’RE FANTASTIC.  AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT.”

    6:40:40 A.M. – Former CIA Field Operative, (At least he CLAIMS he’s ‘Former’) Mike Baker is on, phoning in from ‘Boise, Idaho’…which, we have reason to suspect, is code for ‘Safe House’.   He says he likes Trump’s honesty, but doesn’t see him getting the nomination.  He says pretty unequivocally that Trump won’t be ‘Getting the nomination.’  Which is sad for Mr. Trump, as he, apparently, believes he’s a ‘Shoe In’.   But, obviously, Mike knows something that we don’t know.  Or, Trump for that matter.  If we were him, we’d Google CIA and ‘Grassy Knoll.’

    MIKE BAKER, (IN DISGUISE AS A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN) DIVES TO PROTECT TRUMP JUST OFF DEALEY PLAZA

    7:15:37 A.M. – Today is Lis Wiehl’s birthday, and we want to send her our best wishes.  Fun Fact:  Her cake has so many candles on it…you can see it from Space.

    HAPPY 87TH BIRTHDAY, LIS!

    7:22:44 A.M. –  Bernie rails against Mayor Bill DeBlasio’s campaign to rid Times Square of the naked women who are charging tourists to take pictures with them.  We’re not sure why he’s targeting the lovely ladies…Elmo and Cookie Monster are both naked, and they’ve been taking photos in Midtown for years.

    WE THINK THE MAYOR SHOULD TAKE CARE OF ‘THE ELMO PROBLEM’ FIRST.

    7:39:06 A.M. BLONDE ON BLONDE, or, as we like to call it, 16   (a ‘10’ & a ‘6’)  The ladies discuss the Hillary Email fiasco, and whether or not she’ll be going to jail.   Lis thinks that she will be indicted for a misdemeanor, and just pay a fine.  Deirdre is hoping for the Death Penalty.

    THIS MAY BE WHAT YOU TECHNICALLY CALL, ‘OVERKILL’

    7:45:16 A.M. – When asked if either of them would consider taking a nude photo (as Sharon Stone has to prove that, despite being in her  50’s,  she’s still hot) Deirdre maintains that any woman can look great in a photo, because they can be enhanced digitally.  We beg to differ.

    LIS WIEHL, BEFORE ‘DIGITAL ENHANCEMENT’

    LIS WIEHL, AFTER PHOTO SHOP FILTERS

    8:07:34 A.M. – The I-Man is lost in the Brenham Studio… Not ‘Lost’ as in ‘Doesn’t know where he is’, as he usually is when we say he’s ‘Lost’…but he’s kind of ‘Clueless’ as to how he can get his Fax Machine or Printer to work. He admits he  can’t change an ink cartridge.  Apparently, he’s not ‘Tech Savvy’.   As in ‘Can barely work a ball point pen.’

    “WHAT?  HUH?  YOU HAVE TO SPEAK UP…I JUST GOT A NEW PHONE AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO WORK IT!”

    8:15:11 A.M. – In Austin to celebrate Zach’s Commissioning, the I-Man sat at one of the Antique Desks in the Texas State House, which is modeled after the Congressional Chamber…and carved his initials in it.

    THE TEXAS STATE HOUSE IN AUSTIN WILL NEVER BE THE SAME

    DETAIL OF THE CIRCLED AREA OF THE PHOTO

    8:19:38 A.M.  El Chapo, Deirdre, who is still in studio, much to the I-Man’s chagrin, rails about the existence of ‘Gender Neutral’ bathrooms at the Starbuck’s in Austin.  It’s sort of like the ‘Mounds’ and ‘Almond Joy’ of Public Facilities.  ‘Sometimes you feel like a nut…sometimes you don’t.’

    THE RESTROOMS ARE DESIGNED TO ACCOMMODATE NOT ONLY MEN, WOMEN AND TRANSGENDERS…BUT PEOPLE WITH BIG FAT ASSES TOO

    8:40:43 A.M. –  Kinky Richard, Big Dick, Freidman and Corky, Mississippi Queen, The Drummer From Mountain, Laing, have both phoned in to promote their appearance at the  Bay Street Theater and Sag Harbor Center for the Arts, with a show they’re calling ‘Folked Up Rock’.   We suggest showing up late…in time to catch Kinky, while, mercifully, avoiding Corky.

    CORKY’S CONTRIBUTION TO ROCK N’ ROLL

    8:41:09 A.M. – Kinky will be, naturally, Kinky, displaying why he is the Musical Legend that he is, while Corky plans on doing ‘Sit Down Comedy’ from behind his drum kit, (Which, he says, he’s moved to the front of the stage because…well, let’s face it, he’s an innovator)

    “DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT BUDDY RICH, WHERE HE DIES AND GOES TO HEAVEN?  ST. PETER SAYS, ‘OH THAT’S GOD…HE THINKS HE’S BUDDY RICH’…IS THIS ON?  HELLO?  IS THIS ON?  THANK YOU, I’LL BE HERE ALL WEEK…UM…NO, ACTUALLY IT’S JUST ONE NIGHT…”

    8:43:26 A.M. – When the I-Man mentions to Corky that he will be performing sans his former bandmates, Corky says that only Felix Pappalardi has, much like their Band Name, Mountain, is now covered in dirt.  Leslie West, however, has merely lost his lower right leg to diabetes.  Which, although doesn’t really affect his guitar playing, makes hitting the ‘Wah Wah’ Pedal a little more challenging.

    COME TO THINK OF IT, IF LESLIE WAS ON THE SHOW, HE’D ALSO HAVE TO DO ‘SIT DOWN COMEDY’

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN HONOR OF LIS WIEHL’S 87th…WE OFFER SOME CLASSIC

    ‘BIRTHDAY FAILS’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOHCNXYc0KI

    AND…

    LESLIE WEST SINGING ‘MISSISSIPPI QUEEN’

    (WHICH HE DIDN’T WRITE SO…HE REALLY DOESN’T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.   SEE WHAT WE DID THERE?)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMhPgo2fofg

    Tuesday
    Aug182015

    Congrats Zach!

    6:05:03 A.M. – The Boss informs us that his lovely wife Deirdre treats him like a king. This dedicated woman buys him twelve packs of mini muffins from H.E.B grocery store so that the I-Man can have a tasty little snack before he starts the program. Wyatt, however, treats Imus like the court jester. He often eats all of the muffins, and the organic Oreos that his mom buys, and then puts the empty pack back in the cupboard. We can almost hear the young Imus’ laughter as old Half-a-Lung Cassidy is standing there wheezing with his empty muffin tin after walking nearly 12 feet to get them. Good times.

    I Could’ve Swore There Was A Full Tin Of Muffins. Wyatt!!!!!

    6:09:56 A.M. – Congratulations to Zach for officially becoming a United States Naval Officer today. At a ceremony in Austin Texas, Zach will be commissioned as a junior officer receiving the rank of ensign. We all salute you sir.

    We’re All Proud Of You But Not Nearly As Proud As You Should Be Of Yourself Congratulations!

    6:16:47 A.M. – The I-Man asks Warner how the Chicago Cubs are doing. Curious question as the Boss has proclaimed the first place New York Mets are his team. Warner informs Imus that they have locked up a wild card playoff spot, and that they’re 18 games over .500. Imus says that he saw an ESPN feature on Cubs manager Joe Madden and that he kind of likes Joe Madden. Imus isn’t dragging his feet on the Mets bandwagon just yet, but if they slip there’ll be a Grapes of Wrath level of dust kicked up as the I-Man makes a dash to hop on that Cubs train.

    Look What Fedex Just Delivered To The Imus Ranch In Brenham. These Should Make It Easier To Jump On That Bandwagon

    6:38:17 A.M. – I-Fave, and New York based defense attorney Arthur Aidala, is the guest. Arthur begins the segment by saying that all of the people on his Facebook page want him to try to convince the I-Man to come back to TV. These are probably the people that Arthur couldn’t keep out of jail. They have TV in jail, but no radios. Carley and Dagen were very popular. The Boss asks Arthur about the naked women in Times Square that have some tourists, and city officials upset. Jesus what pu**ies. Arthur says that the concept is one that evolved from the “Naked Cowboy”. At first we think that he’s talking about Imus showing up to work without pants on then we realize he means that goof with the guitar and the Speedos. Aidala says that there’s a loophole in the law that states that you can be nude if you’re performing an artistic program. These lovely ladies also use body paint as a cover. Well, we don’t know much about art, but we know it when we see it, and we know what we like. Just think of these international lovelies as Venus de Milo that can play pattycake with you.

    What Happened To The Arms? The Artist Attempted To Shave Her Pits With A Chisel. She is …..Well….European

    If You Have A Problem with These Ladies, Then you Don’t Love America. And We’re Not Going To Sit Here And Let You Badmouth America.

    7:15:32 A.M. – Bernie tells Imus of a video of Bill and Hillary Clinton dancing at their friend Vernon Jordan’s 80th birthday party. Bernie says that you can see how miserable The Big Dog looks dancing with the old lady. He’s right. He has the same look that men have when they are forced to dance with their old, flatulent aunts, at a wedding.  The Boss googles it and observes that Grandma has no rhythm. They say that you can predict how a lover will be by the way they dance. We’re predicting a hot night with a Parkinson’s sufferer.

    When They Let Stephen Hawking Go Down The Soul Train Line And Not her, Hillary Thought Her Dancing Days Were Over.

    7:22:02 A.M. – Imus says that he didn’t realize that it was August,18th. He thought it was June. That suggests that his Texas life is so idyllic that the days just fly by the way that summers did back when he was a child and they used the position of the stars to guestimate the seasons. Either that or the old cowboy is in the early stages of dementia. It won’t be long before they have to put a bell around his neck to keep track of him. 

    Wyatt Did You Close The Gate. No? Then Get T-Money We Have To Catch Your Father Again

    7:27:32 A.M. – Imus is reading a spot for the Nuvo Fat Loss diet people. As he nears the end of his read he gives the tagline. In Lou Rufino’s absence the Boss has to prompt Crash, who is filling in for Lou. So he says. “lose the weight ..Crash”. He was telling Crash to play the bumper …not lose the weight …even though it sounded  a lot like he was telling Crash that it wouldn’t hurt to hit the salad bar every now and again. Realizing how it sounded he says to Crash , that it was a cue, but it may as well have been a clue as it’s getting harder and harder for Crash to see his own penis.

    I’m Not Fat Imus, I’m Big Boned, and Yes I Can See My Penis Because I’m Standing On A Mirror!

    7:41:32 A.M. – It’s Hollywood and Vine or as we like to call it, Two And A Half Women. The segment begins with a throwback to our old Might Be Elvis days. Imus plays a Kinky Friedman, Willie Nelson duet of Bloody Mary Morning for the crew. We can only guess that Willie Nelson named the song after he wrote it because a few pitchers of Bloody Mary is the only way to get through that. This song could have just as easily been named heroin overdose morning, fully loaded Russian Roulette morning, or the equally catchy step in front of a bus morning.

    I’d Rather Hear Corky Laing Do Stand UP And Sing Mississippi Queen Acoustic

    7:42:45 A.M. – The segment begins with Michael Reidel essentially stealing Bernie’s briefing about Suge Knight and his lawyer’s beef over Suge’s portrayal in Straight Outta Compton. Reidel pronounces the gangsta rap film’s title as though Peter Allen was singing the soundtrack. We know one thing. If Reidel were leaving Compton he wouldn’t go straight. 

    A Bitch Is A Bitch?… They Certainly Are Ice Cube

    7:44:25 A.M. – Imogen just got back from London where she saw Benedict Cumberbatch starring in Hamlet. Imogen has made no secret that she is hot for Benedict. Get over it sister it’s not going to happen. The only way your eggs will get close to Benedict is at a diner under some Hollandaise sauce. Forget Hamlet, maybe you should have an omelet.

    We’re Sure Imogen Can Also Get A Side Of Sausage. It Is, After All, The Most Important Meal Of The Day

    7:44:25 A.M. – Deirdre wants to discuss Pittsburg Steeler Linebacker James Harrison who gave his two son’s “participation” trophies back. We agree that these trophies that make everybody feel good are not cool. Good for Harrison teaching his kids that winning is earned. We can’t wait to see this movie of the week special, as this segment is called …”Hollywood & Vine” we figured it must’ve been one of those made for TV films.

    What Did I Say About Participation Trophies??!!!

    8:05:43 A.M. – Connell reports that for the first time in Army history two women graduated from the elite special forces Ranger school. That is very impressive as Gunz couldn’t even graduate from Forest Ranger school. He doesn’t have the legs for the short pants.

    Perhaps You Could Join These “Merry” … Men Gunz

    8:17:23 A.M. – Warner calls for a homerun call from last night’s Arizona Diamondbacks game. Naturally, Gunz plays a homerun call from last week. We look at the bright side. It’s certainly better than when Warner called for a clip of the New York Jets quarterback regarding his recovery time from his injury and Gunz played a clip where it seems that Joe Namath is predicting a Super Bowl win over the heavily favored Baltimore Colts. The fact that the Colts moved to Indianapolis years ago didn’t stop him.

    You’re Number 1 Gunzelman. Thanks Man. We’ll Probably Win A Whole Bunch Of These

    8:43:23 A.M. – Fox Business reporter  Charles Gasparino is late for his interview. We find it odd as Gasparino was enthusiastically Tweeting his upcoming appearance on the program. When he finally gets on he calls us jerks for not calling him. Do you believe the stones on this guy? Hey motherf%*ker who are you calling jerks. We called your goofy, fat ass….wait… what? Oh… so… Gunz didn’t call you. Okay then, guess we’re jerks. During the interview Gasparino tells us that he thinks that Donald Trump is a Clinton scam. He believes they’re working together. Okaaaay. We may be jerks but at least we’re not a moron.

      

    We’d Rather Be Jerks Then Have a Mouth Full Of Piano Keys. Hey Ron Jeremy Called. He Wants His Mustache Back

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Bill and Hillary “Dancing” At Vernon Jordan’s Birthday Party

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrk3WtSmkBg

    And A Little Something For Zach

    Tom Cruise In Top Gun

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOLgGA-Yqc8

    Monday
    Aug172015

    Lou the Leprechaun

    6:05:03 A.M. – Rob and Lou are not here this morning. Rob is on the Good Wife. That poor girl is going to really have a hard time breathing because being trapped under that fa….well…. because it’s really um…humid today.

    Hang In there Ms. Margulies. If the Jaws Of Life Don’t Work We’re Calling In A Crane

    6:05:56 A.M. – Lou is also missing this morning. It’s a little more serious. Lou has been kidnapped. Fortunately he wasn’t nabbed by ISIS, but by some drunk, staggering out of the Blarney Stone that saw Lou entering Madison Square Garden, and mistook him for a Leprechaun. At least the Vodka that he had been drinking told him that Rufino was a Leprechaun. We got a ransom note asking for a pot of gold. We don’t have that, but we do have a line on some Acapulco Gold. Hopefully we can swing a trade.

    Hang In There Lou! We’ve Got The Ransom

    While He’s looking At The “Pretty Rainbows” Make For the Door

    6:13:47 A.M. – Wyatt continues his ass kicking ways on the Texas calf roping circuit. The young man finished 4th at last weekend’s roping in Conroe, Texas. The I-Man reveals that while taking a break from the Texas heat in his air-conditioned vehicle, he ran into Joe Beaver at the snack bar. Joe hooked the Boss up with an icy cold Dr. Pepper and some French Fries.  We should caution Imus that fries are a gateway junk food. One can quickly go from downing some delicious, golden brown, crinkle cuts to scarfing down chili dogs two at a time.

    It All Started Innocently Enough. Just A Couple Of Fries On The Weekend. Then A Few Socially After Work. Before You Knew It He Was In And Out Of Rehab. Doing Things To Feed A Junk Food Habit That He Never Thought He’d Do. Don’t Let This Be You.

    6:18:17 A.M. – Gunz wants to know whether or not the I-Man is wearing pants today. It has been brutally hot in Texas, and Wyatt has often left the Boss bereft of his beloved Nike Basketball shorts. Given that, and the fact that we’re on radio, Imus could easily broadcast “commando”. We’re all painfully aware of that fact, but make every effort not to think about it. Gunz, on the other hand, is more than curious to know. Someone should remind Gunzelman that he has the job, and just because your boss is sitting at a desk sans pants doesn’t mean that he’s asking you to go all “Got Milk” on him.  

    So..Gunz.. How Did That Interview Go?

    6:42:09 A.M. – Bo Dietl is the guest this morning in his usual Monday slot. Its summer, and we believe Bo is calling in from his Hamptons compound. Bo is very popular with his wealthy Hampton neighbors. Every morning when he walks to the mailbox in his drawers they all raise a finger to show him that he’s number one. Bo is also a very considerate man and has decided to call us from inside of a closet so as not to wake the family. Imus thinks Bo is too subdued and wants him “out of the closet”. Well….you know not “out” of the closet , but out of the actual closet. Bo is surely not in some homotation situation. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    “Hey Shut Your Yap. You Can Phone Home When I Finish Talking To Imus.”

    7:06:06 A.M. – Imus is thrilled to see that Straight Outta Compton is number one at the box office this week. It’s good news for Imus’ friend Suge Knight. Suge was former head of Death Row records the label that gave N.W.A its start. Suge is currently in jail as the result of going to see Ice Cube and Dr. Dre to iron out some creative differences that he had over his portrayal in the blockbuster biopic. During the “discussion”, Suge accidentally ran over his friend with his truck…twice. He hit him, and then backed over him. We realize that’s kind of hard to do as the rearview camera on his Ford Raptor truck should’ve shown the  screaming face of his pal on the dashboard LCD screen, but perhaps Suge was so upset with the film’s  casting choices that he was distracted. Hopefully he’ll get a chance to see it on movie night in the joint.

    At Least His Hands Are At 10 And 2. Probably Because They’re Used To That Position From Being Cuffed All The Time

    7:15:32 A.M. – Crash is filling in for Lou Rufino. The I-Man schools Crash on the finer points of award winning radio broadcasting. “When I say get out of a song, I mean get out on the beat, and not just bang out”. Unbeknownst to Imus, Crash is rhythmically challenged. Even for White people Crash is ‘special”. There are two things that he should never do. A) Dance and B) Use the rhythm method of birth control. The first would lead to a spoon being shoved in his mouth as people would confuse his boogie with epilepsy, and the latter would lead to a Duggar sized family.

    At Least The Kids Have Rhythm

    7:42:02 A.M. – Vinnie From Queens this week features “The Human Baseball Encyclopedia” Michael “Crash” Caragliano filling in for panel regular Lou Rufino. It’s not often we have a baseball trivia wiz in our midst so Imus quizzes crash about the contract deals offered by the Dodgers to Sandy Koufax , and Don Drysdale (Famously known in baseball lore as The Holdout). Crash guessed the amount they asked for, 1mil over three years, they actually got 125 K for Koufax, and 110 K for Drysdale.  So much for Mr. Trivia. Sure he answered the rest of the questions correctly, but they don’t give you the lotto grand prize if you miss a number. Adding insult to injury he thinks that Who is playing second when everybody knows that Who is on first.

    Don’t Bother Looking For Crash’s Name, He’s Not In There

    8:05:43 A.M. – T-Money texts the Boss to alert him that one of the solar powered gates is not working. The I-Man wonders aloud what can he do about it as he’s on the air working. T-Money called Imus after first calling tech support in Mumbai. It was the smart thing to do as the first question from “Steve” was, “did you turn the sun on?”

    Numb nuts? No My Friend My Name Is Dave. Steve Is On Break

    8:17:23 A.M. – The funky solar gate is not the only problem Imus is having this morning. His headphones are also cutting out. While there is nothing that you can do about these two problems there is a way that you can help the I-Man this morning. It will only take you a couple of minutes. Perhaps before you watch the Video of The Day you could pick up the phone and call Outlaw Conversions, in Stephenville Texas, and ask them “Why they Suck”. We’d sure appreciate it. Here’s the number (254) 968-5732

    You May Have To Call A Few Times As The Lines Could Be Busy Today

    8:42:43 A.M. – Our favorite super soldier, Navy SEAL, Leif Babin is in this morning. We love it when Leif is on the show. He’s a great guy that can kill you with a cotton ball. Being in the room with Leif provides the same thrills of a high speed chase through three states. You’re excited, terrified, and ultimately glad it’s over. The I-Man asks for Leif’s thoughts on Trump. Leif thinks it’s refreshing to hear a politician that doesn’t give into political correctness. We would imagine that in Leif’s line of work , political correctness takes a back seat, as yelling “get some Sabu” probably would be frowned upon by some groups. In response to Imus’ question about his preference for president Leif says “He could get behind Carly Fiorina.”  We’re sure he means support, and not …well… you know. After all he’s married to Jenna Lee, and quiet as its kept she scares us more than Leif.

    Don’t Let The Smile Fool You. Jenna Is A Baaaad Woman

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Entertainment for the whole family. Bring the kids. Go to your local Magic Johnson theater and enjoy the number one movie in America

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-F5WcFPDzko