6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man begins the program with high praise for San Francisco Pitcher Madison Bumgarner, who came in during the 5th inning, and wound up winning the World Series for the Giants, as well as MVP. Imus makes the observation that most of the great pitchers were left handed. Not that this is entirely true, but Warner agrees for the most part. There are some great Southpaws. Sandy Koufax, Warren Spahn, Whitey Ford. And, as you might expect, ‘Lefty’ Grove. Not too much is made of the best Ambidextrous Pitchers of All Time, a list that includes the Giants’ Shozo Yokinari and Moxie Manuel , not to mention, Pat Venditte of the Yankees. And, of course, Jim Abbott, who pitched a No-Hitter, completely bereft of a right hand. That’s our new definition for ‘Playing Hurt’.
JIM ABBOTT. ONE- HANDER WHO THREW A NO-HITTER. WE’RE WAITING FOR THE ONLY ‘NO-HANDED’ PITCHER. NOW THAT’S REALLY IMPRESSIVE.
6:07:14 a.m. –The Boss takes a moment to apologize to the Pro-Rodeo Gear dot com guy, after ordering some sweatshirts, with two-day delivery, and didn’t receive them on Tuesday as he had expected. He railed about it on Thursday’s Show, and, of course, it arrived on Wednesday, and Tommy the Doorman had signed for it, neglecting to inform the I-Man of its delivery. The fine print states that the Two Day Delivery is two days from the moment the item is shipped. Uh oh. The I-Man could have worn the sweatshirt while he was ranting about not receiving it. In fact, he had the opportunity to wear it, take it to the cleaners, and then rant about them using not enough starch.
NOW THAT’S A SWEATSHIRT WORTH WAITING FOR
6:14:36 a.m. – Dagen’s business report informs us that the automobile safety industry is changing with the times, as they are now using morbidly obese Crash Test Dummies. The used to be 167 pounds, they’ve since raised the weight limit to 273. Which seems to us to be pointless. Because a 270 pound person doesn’t sit exactly BEHIND the wheel. It’s like their air bag has already gone off.
LOOKS LIKE HE CRASHED INTO A DRIVE THRU AT BURGER KING
6:38:08 a.m. – Juan Williams, another I-Fave, is on, and he and the Boss ‘Talk Baseball’. Juan is a big Washington Nationals fan, but he had high praise for Bruce Bochy, the Giants’ manager for saving their stud pitcher, Madison Bumgarner to come into the last part of the game, so as to save it. They also ‘Talk Quarantine’. We, on the other hand, started Juan this morning, and saved Charlie Gasparino to save the show in the last hour. Although Gasparino does appear to be the kind of guy you would want to keep in Quarantine.
CHARLIE GASPARINO. NOT SO MUCH ‘QUARANTINE’ AS ‘SOLITARY CONFINEMENT’
7:13:26 a.m. – Lis Wiehl emails the I-Man with the legality of whether or not you can Quarantine someone against their will. Clearly it’s not legal, or the I-Man would be doing the show from a plastic bubble.
LIS WIEHL. SHE KNOWS A FEW THINGS ABOUT INFECTIOUS DISEASES… (DON’T WORRY, LIS, A SHOT OF PENICILLIN WILL CLEAR THAT RIGHT UP)
7:07:14 a.m. – The I-Man wanted a couple of Dwight Yoakam T-Shirts, for he and Wyatt. Dwight sent 100. The Boss only wanted a couple, so he took the rest to ‘The Housing Works’, a great charity on the West Side that provides shelter and medical treatment for those less than fortunate who also have AIDS. Because there’s nothing that a person staring death in the face appreciates more than a Dwight Yoakam T-Shirt.
IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T APPRECIATE IT, BUT I WOULD’VE MUCH RATHER GOTTEN A BOWL OF SOUP
7:13:26a.m. – “Have you seen Chris Berman lately? He looks horribly unhealthy.” The Boss is concerned about the beloved Sportscaster.
7:32:10 a.m. – MENSA MEETING Among the many topics are mandatory Ebola Quarantines, Airplanes with no windows, and Catcalls. Gunz is the victim of Catcalls. Every woman he looks at calls him a ‘Pussy’. The biggest bone of contention is between Bernard and Gunz and Deirdre over Taylor Swift being named the first Global Welcome Ambassador for New York City. Bernard is a fan of the sweet, talented woman, while Deirdre and Gunz argue that there about 1000 people better suited for the position. Alan wonders what she’s going to do: “Stand by the Holland Tunnel and welcome people as they come in?” Um…Alan. That’s a different kind of welcome. But if Taylor were to do that, she’d have a rather enormous number of gentlemen that would serve as inspiration for a catalogue of songs that would make her more prolific than the Beatles.
TAYLOR, WELCOMING TOURISTS. ‘GIVE US YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR, YOUR HUDDLED MASSES YEARNING FOR ANOTHER ALBUM.’
8:06:32 a.m. – The I-Man promos Charlie Gasparino, who Dagen says is “A Beefcake…a little sweaty sometimes, but a Beefcake.” She informs us that Charlie is covering the really nasty divorce case of a Wall Street Tycoon and his wife, and, according to her, there are some really disgusting details. “Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!” says the Boss, excited at the prospect of some sleazy sex stories.. Dagen says “It involves Defecation.” Ohhhh! Imus says “You didn’t have to give me THAT detail.” Connell offers that the story includes Cocaine use and Threesomes…which is what the I-Man was looking for in the first place. Although sex with Imus usually involves post-coital defecation.
IT’S BEHAVIOR THAT IS DE RIGUEUR WITH CANINES…AND WALL STREET TYPES.
8:16:16 a.m. – During the break, Lou plays ‘I Put A Spell On You’. However, not the Screamin’ Jay Hawkins version…the Creedence Clearwater Revival Version. “If you’re gonna be playin’ that song, you can’t be playin’ the White Man’s version. It’s like Pat Boone covering Tutti Frutti.” The White man’s version of a singing black man? That would be Elvis.
“CREEDENCE CLEARWATER REVIVAL? CREEDENCE MUTHAF#@KIN’ REVIVAL? YOU GOTTA BE S#!TTIN’ ME!”
8:28:56a.m. - Back in the Green Room, Charlie Gasparino remarks that with his hair and facial expression, the I-Man resembles ‘Rocky Dennis’. The young boy who was the subject of the movie ‘Mask’. Quite frankly, we don’t see the resemblance.
NO COMPARISON. ROCKY’S HAIR HAS MORE BOUNCE AND SHINE. HE’S ALSO ‘HAPPY’
8:38:14 a.m. – Charlie Gasparino comes on and speaks about Governor Chris Christie, and makes the observation that you can’t act like a tough guy with goon bodyguards behind you. Which is quite a statement coming from a man who looks like he’s a soldier in the Bonnano Crime Family. No disrespect. But you can definitely see him sitting in front of a social club drinking an espresso.
“HEY CHARLIE…YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GONNA TAKE CARE O’THAT… ‘THING’. DON’T MAKE ME ASK YOU TWICE. AND MAKE SURE THE GUY DON’T DEFECTATE IN HIS PANTS THIS TIME.
VIDEO OF THE DAY
See for yourselves. ‘I Put A Spell On You’
Done the Right Way
And the Wrong Way
And while we’re at it,
The Right Way
The Wrong Way