6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man begins the show with a story about his trainer, who asked him, “How much longer do you think you’ll do this radio and T.V. thing?” “Not much longer.” He answers. Wow! We’re shocked. Not that he might not be doing this much longer…but that he actually has a TRAINER. Who, by the way, went on to say “You ought to relax and enjoy the time you have left.” Time he has left? Somebody get out an egg timer.
ACCORDING TO HIS BIRTH YEAR, THE BOSS IS 15 YEARS AFTER HIS PREDICTED EXPIRATION DATE. IF HE WERE MILK, HE’D BE CHEESE BY NOW
6:09:18a.m. – Ashley Webster reports that, unless it can get an infusion of 100 million in cash, Radio Shack will be going bankrupt. We don’t know why…who doesn’t want to give their name and address and phone number just to buy a two pack of nine volts? They’re a ‘Must Stop’ at the Mall. Just for entertainment purposes. Whenever we’re feeling a little ‘down’, we like to go into R.S. to watch the fat, mouth breathing nerd explain why when connecting your VCR to your Home Theater System, you should always use component cables.
“OH MY GOSH! THE NEW SHIPMENT OF CAPACITORS JUST CAME IN!!! I FEEL LIKE I’M GONNA FAINT!”
6:11:22 a.m. – Connell reports that a guy was arrested for threatening to blow up the Capitol Building. He posted his plans on Twitter. Not the smartest move, in fact, that’s the first chapter in ‘Terrorism For Dummies’. “Do not put bombing plans on Twitter.” However, he did get favorited 11 Million Times which made him trend. They put up a picture of the young lad…and the I-Man notes that “He looks like a Roadie for Cat Stevens.” Who, by the way, is Muslim, so it could very well may be true.
NAH, THIS GUY DOESN’T LOOK SUSPICIOUS
6:15:30 a.m. – Ashley reports that Gold is up, due to the concerns about the Economy. Which means we’ll be seeing more of those commercials with Fred Thompson. Yeah, that’s what we want to do. Invest in a precious metal endorsed by Frankenstein. Imus notes that they get a lot of former big stars to promote that and Reverse Mortgages. Like Henry Winkler. “The Fonz got fat”, he observes. Of course he is, he’s been eating at Arnold’s for the past forty years.
“AYYYYY! YA GONNA EAT THAT?”
6:41:08 a.m. – Mike Baker is here, the C.I.A. version of James Bond, and he is only wearing a T-Shirt. It’s 6 degrees outside the studio but, we believe where Mike is headed, it will be hot and dry. Either that, or he’s conditioning himself for an Antarctic Sanction. Some Polar Bear needs to be assassinated…for giving away the secret formula of Coca Cola.
“SAY GOODNIGHT, CHILLY WILLY…”
7:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man laments that he used to spend his 8 o’clock hour of the evening watching the replay of Comedy Central’s Daily Show. Now, the programming people have taken that off and replaced it with South Park. So now he will have to force himself to watch basketball because there’s nothing else on. Not true. South Park has done a couple of Basketball episodes.
THE ALL STAR LINEUP FROM THE SOUTH PARK EPISODE
‘JEWS CAN’T PLAY BASKETBALL’.
7:40:32 a.m. – THE MENSA MEETING begins with an actual ‘MENSA QUESTION’, out of ‘More’, ‘Pears’ (or pairs, this is an aural question) ‘Etchers’ and ‘Zipper’, which one is different than the other three. We think that Dagen’s answer would be ‘Etchers’. Because for her, ‘Pairs’, and ‘More Zippers’ is a quiet Saturday Night at the Trailer Park.
WHICH GRAPHIC MOST ACCURATELY COMPLETES THE SEQUENCE? IF YOU PICKED ‘D’ , YOU ARE CORRECT. F#@K YOU, MENSA
8:05:10 a.m. – Neil Cavuto emails the I-Man : “Huckabee stuck up for you, you ungrateful Scoundrel.” Scoundrel? He’s a ‘Cad’. A ‘Blackguard’, (actually a ‘African American Guard.’) Sounds like Neil’s been hanging out too much with the gents in his Barbershop Quartet.
NEIL AND HIS BARBERSHOP QUARTET: ‘THE UNF@#KABLES’
8:06:12 a.m. – Chastened, the Boss offers his apology. “If I have offended anyone this morning, please kiss my ass.” There’s your apology, bitches.
8:08:16 a.m. – Ashley has been reporting the most popular Cabbie names in New York. Apparently, ‘Mohammed’, (Spelled FIVE different ways) is number one. The most popular last name is ‘Singh’. ‘Mohammed Singh’. Sounds like what they call ‘Glee’ in Pakistan…or auditions for ‘Afghanistan Idol’.
“AND NOW WE SING FOR YOU PEOPLE, VERY CRAZY HOT TUNE FROM MRS. BEYONCE…QUEEN BEY…’DRUNKEN DADDY’ WE DEDICATE TO MR. MIKE HUCKABEE…GO LIKE THIS…I WANT YOUR BODY RIGHT HERE DADDY, CAN’T KEEP YOUR EYES OFF MY FATTY...WHY CAN’T I KEEP MY FINGERS OFF IT BABY? LAST THING I REMEMBER IS OUR BEAUTIFUL BODY GRINDING UP IN CLUB! “
8:11:22 a.m. – Neil Cavuto sends a follow up email to the I-Man after Imus trashed Neil for his first admonishing missive. Neil’s note reads simply ‘F U 2’. We never realized Mr. Cavuto was one of those people who took ‘Songs of Innocence’ off his iPod.
“WHAT DID I EVER DO TO NEIL CAVUTO? HE DIDN’T EVEN SEND ME A ‘GET WELL’ CARD AFTER I FELL OFF ME BIKE…
8:42:12 a.m. – I-Fave Christopher “ Mad Dog “ Russo is the guest. The I-Man doesn’t think Russo has brought enough energy with him this morning so he tells dog to ramp it up. What?? Are you nuts? That’s like telling telling a diabetic to have another Snickers Bar. What is he thinking?
RUSSO ‘GETTING UP FOR THE SHOW’
8:46:12 a.m. – The Academy Award nominations are out, ‘Boyhood’ up for Best Picture. Mad Dog won’t go to see it. “Who has the time to watch a movie that’s twelve years long? I got a radio show to do!”
12 MINUTES WOULD BE ABOUT ALL YOU COULD TAKE OF THIS
VIDEO OF THE DAY
Proof that South Park Isn’t Funny