6:05:00 A.M. – The Boss begins the program by informing us that the so-called Houston ‘Bathroom Bill’ was rejected by voters yesterday. The LGBT Equal Rights Ordinance would have allowed transgender people to use toilets of their choosing. So…word to the wise, Caitlyn Jenner. When you’re in Houston, if you don’t want to go standing up, you better learn how to hold it.
…BUT YOU HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH WOMEN IN MENS’ RESTROOMS, RIGHT?
6:18:36 A.M. – The micro-organism responsible for the Chipotle E-Coli outbreak in the Pacific Northwest has been identified. It’s amazing that scientists were able to discover the source of the food borne illness…as diarrhea seems to be a pretty common side effect after eating Mexican Food.
NOW WE KNOW WHERE THE ‘AY YI YI YI’ COMES FROM IN ‘CIELITO LINDO’
NOT A CHIPOTLE BURRITO. BUT IT WILL MAKE YOU GO LIKE YOU ATE ONE
6:40:27 A.M. – K.T. McFarland is on and tells us that her daughter got engaged to a computer nerd. K.T. doesn’t strike us as the kind of Mom who would be okay with anybody other than a NAVY SEAL marrying her daughter. But…
K.T.’S NEW SON IN LAW. HE SAYS HE’S GOT A ‘REALLY BIG HARD DRIVE’
SHE’S PRAYING THEY DON’T HAVE KIDS
6:43:27 A.M. – Ms. McFarland and the I-Man discuss a wide range of topics including ISIS, the President sending 50 troops to Syria, and the Islands in China, onwhich, Imus asks if there are any Hotels. Thinking of going on vacation, Boss?
WOODY ISLAND, OFF THE COAST OF CHINA. SITE OF ASIA DISNEYWORLD
7:05:37 A.M. – Imus is creeped out by the Marley Drug Commercial, which offers Sildenafil, the active ingredient in Viagra. We, on the other hand, are VERY interested in FIFTY 20 mg tablets for 80 Dollars instead of 10 100 Milligram tablets for 300 Dollars. We’re not that good at math, but we know a good cheap boner pill deal when we see it.
SHE’S HOPING THESE GENERIC VIAGRA DON’T WORK SO SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH GRANDPA’S DESSICATED WIENER
7:32:16 A.M. – There’s a new movie coming out called ‘In the Heart of the Sea’, a true story that was the inspiration for Moby Dick. The movie is based on a book by Nathaniel Philbrick, an author who the I-Man actually remembers interviewing. Of course, prior to speaking with Mr. Philbrick, the Boss was under the impression that Moby Dick was a venereal disease.
A SHOT OF FISH OIL…CLEARS IT RIGHT UP
AN EXAMPLE OF UNCIRCUMSIZED ‘MOBY DICK’
7:39:16 A.M. – BLONDE ON BLONDE or, as we like to call it, BLEACH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE CHICK. The I-Man asks the ladies whether or not they think the Jimmy Kimmel bit in which parents punk their children by telling them they ate all their Halloween Candy. Deirdre thinks it’s a scream, Lis, not so much. Ms. Wiehl experienced her own child being punked a couple years ago when she and her daughter ‘Doug’ visited the Imus Ranch. Deidre told young ‘Doug’ that if she ate all her vegetables, she could have Birthday Cake. The Little Wiehl forced the veggies down. PSYCHE! There IS no birthday cake! Oh, snap! Who’s the Boss, Doug? Say it!
WHAT WAS ORIGINALLY THOUGHT WAS A CRYPTIC MESSAGE, SCRAWLED ON A WALL IN THE HAY BAR AT THE IMUS RANCH…IS ACTUALLY A WARNING
7:40:16 A.M. – The segment continues with the conundrum of whether or not it’s a good idea to teach children how to administer a heroin overdose shot. Not the heroin itself, that is, but Naloxone Hydrochloride, an antidote for the opiate. Just the notion that this concept exists is enough to put Deirdre over the edge, causing her to question the future of humanity. But, when you get to thinking about it, if the kids are old enough to shoot smack, they should be old enough to use an Epi Pen with Naloxone.
“ARE YOU CHASING THE DRAGON, MOMMY? DID YOU CATCH HIM?”
7:44:16 A.M. – Instead of a drug to stave off an overdose, Deirdre believes that more time, effort and money should be put into prevention. She makes the analogy that it’s like trying to save a baby AFTER it falls off the cliff. Good point. We don’t want to get killed by a falling baby. Which makes us wonder if you drop a baby and a penny off the Empire State Building, which one hits the ground first?
8:17:34 A.M. – The I-Man has hired someone out at the Ranch by the name of Nicole, who will be the Texas version of Ali in New York. He tells a hilarious story about a phone call he made to Nicole to inform her that she had the job, but says that he made it sound like he was letting her down easy for not being hired. Well…it wasn’t quite hilarious. It was more…humorous. A humorous story. Well, maybe ‘humorous’ isn’t the right word…it was…a story. Yes. Absolutely. A story.
SISTER MARY MENGELE HAS MADE SIMILAR PHONE CALLS TO SOME OF THE NOVICES IN HER CONVENT: “I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR COMING IN AND TAKING YOUR SOLEMN VOWS…THERE WERE A LOT OF QUALIFIED CANDIDATES, BUT…YOU’RE THE ONE WHO GOT THE GIG. PSYCHE! BOOYAH!”
8:19:43 A.M. – Imus can’t remember who is sponsoring Warner’s Sports report, Peerless Boilers…or Hackensack University Medical Center. So he advises his listening audience to “Get the boiler and then go to the hospital.”
“WE HAVE A PEERLESS PURE FIRE BOILER IN THE OPERATING ROOM…IT KEEPS OUR PATIENTS NICE AND TOASTY WARM…”
8:39:33 A.M. – Staff Sergeant Travis Mills, a wounded veteran, 82nd Airborne, and a quadruple amputee, is on to promote his book TOUGH AS THEY COME . It’s one of the all time great interviews, after which, the I-Man, audibly moved by Sergeant Mills’ story, says “I’ve talked to people for 40 Years, and I’ve never talked to anyone as inspirational as you.” It’s one of the few times we can remember where everybody on the program agrees with the Boss.
VIDEO OF THE DAY
TWO AMUSING TAKES ON ‘MOBY DICK’