6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man reveals that Wyatt needed to explain the Ukraine Situation to him. Pretty soon, Wyatt will need to explain to the Boss that the dog’s name is Virgil…and that his name is Wyatt…and that the woman in the kitchen making the organic Kale Loaf is…his daughter.
HIS BRAIN ISN’T THE ONLY THING THAT’S SHRINKING
6:16:12 a.m. – Mike Breen sounds positively despondent after the lowly Pistons DESTROYED the Knicks. We think we might have to put him on Suicide Watch, or at least get him to seek ‘Battered Fan’s’ Counseling.
‘BILL FROM WHITE PLAINS’ ENTERS ‘KNICK REHAB’
(NOTICE HE’S ALL ORANGE AND BLUE. WELL, BLACK AND BLUE)
6:40:46 a.m. – Hip Hop Mogul and Fashion Magnate, Russell Simmons is on to discuss his new book about meditation…he does so 40 minutes a day, in two 20 minute segments…which is easy to do when you wipe yourself with 100 dollar bills. He offers an easy mantra for folks who would like to attempt meditation: “Rum….Rum…Rummmmm.” Imus meditates every morning for 20 minutes when he first gets up as he’s done for the past 30 years. The difference is, back in the 80’s, his mantra was ‘Vodka…vodka….vodka…’
MAHARISHI IN THE MORNING
7:05:15 a.m. – “Does anybody look better after plastic surgery?” the I-Man asks a philosophic question for us to ponder. We offer the following list: Jane Fonda. Marilyn Monroe. And any burn victim lucky enough to get a graft from Kenny Roger’s eye skin.
MRS. CHUA SUNG KOONG, PRESIDENT OF THE THAILAND KENNY ROGERS FAN CLUB, AT A RECENT ‘KENNYFEST’
7:17:34 a.m. – Happy 45th Birthday to Chaz Bono, who, sadly, is still waiting for his penis to come in. Like Pinnochio, he wants to be a ‘Real Live Boy’. And he wants his ‘Wood’ to be authentic.
“SIT ON MY FACE AND I’LL TELL A LIE…AND THEN TELL THE TRUTH…AND THEN TELL A LIE…THEN THE TRUTH…”
7:46:34 a.m. – Hollywood & Vine. Reidel drops more names than Dick Cavett at Mort Sahl’s cocktail party. No matter WHO is talked about, Reidel maintains that they are “A Friend of Mine”. Which is different than a “Friend of Ours”, which would indicate they were ‘Made’. For example… ‘A Friend of Mine’ is Stephen Sondheim. ‘A Friend of Ours’, is Vinnie the Chin Gigante. Although they both spend a lot of time stumbling around in a bathrobe, completely clueless.
A ‘FRIEND OF OURS’ ‘A FRIEND OF MINE’
8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man says that reading Dan Jenkins’ ‘Semi-Tough’ was a seminal moment in his life. Much like people remember the Kennedy Assassination, he remembers where he was when he read the first page of Mr. Jenkins’ hilarious novel…sitting on a bench in a parking garage across the street from NBC. Where he would later return to sleep. Which is pretty ‘Semi-Tough’ in its’ own right.
THE I-MAN HAS ALWAYS LIKED TO READ BEFORE HE GOES TO SLEEP. THE BOOK SERVES AS A MAKESHIFT PILLOW
8:12:24 a.m. – Imus says that Dan Jenkins has had an extraordinary life…and he’s still living it…unless something happens this morning. Like he should happen to listen to Imus talk about Joe Beaver again…in which case Mr. Jenkins might sit in the bathtub and drop the hair dryer into the water.
“EIGHT TIME WORLD CHAMPIONNNNNNNN…!”
8:40:14 a.m. – Dan Jenkins is on, and Imus acts like a school girl at a One Direction concert. He has promoted Mr. Jenkins appearance all morning, and hyped him to be the greatest sportswriter of our time, and one of the funniest people on the planet. Well, one out of two ain’t bad. We assume it was just early in Texas. Maybe you have to be drunk and coked up to really appreciate the inherent comedic genius of Dan Jenkins.
THE FUNNY SPORTSWRITERS MT. RUSHMORE
(NOTICE HOW THE THREE GENTLEMEN TO MR. JENKINS’ RIGHT, GRANTLAND RICE, HERBERT WIND AND BERNARD DARWIN… AREN’T LAUGHING)
9:05:10 A.M. – Imus acts surprised to learn that we did not find Mr. Jenkins the ‘Yukfest’ that he promised he would be. We would say that he wasn’t even as funny as Ron White, but that would be a lie. Dead Puppies are funnier than Ron White. Maybe we’re being overly critical, as we didn’t get a chance to meditate this morning. The I-Man bristles at our assessment, and says that Jenkins is “…a writer! He’s not going to be appearing at Caroline’s or the Ha Ha Hut.” Dagen says that he couldn’t even hold court at Golden Corral Steakhouse. In other words, he’s not even ‘Denny’s Funny’. We understand that being a writer is different than being a stand up comedian… well, perhaps he should write something down that is funny and we can read it. Preferably on a bench in a Parking Lot in Rockefeller Center.
AND THERE’S AN ‘ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET’, TOO!
VIDEO OF THE DAY :
PUPPETJI SHOWS US HOW WE CAN ACHIEVE “TRUE” MEDITATION, EVEN IN THE CITY