6:05:00 A.M. – Connell is taking on his Host Duties from Westchester, Pennsylvania, where he will be covering the Donald Trump Rally. Through the miracle of digital technology, you’d never know he’s not here with us in the ‘NUVO FAT Loss Studio’. Other than the fact that he’s complaining about a ‘Lou Gehrig’ style echo. In fact, he’s complaining so much, you’d never know that the I-Man wasn’t here with us.
TODAY…TODAY…TODAY…HE CONSIDERS HIMSELF…HIMSELF…HIMSELF…THE LUCKIEST MAN ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH…EARTH…EARTH…
6:17:34 A.M. – Bernard actually uses the phrase, “Naïve, Wilsonian Interventionist” in describing Hillary Clinton. The only words Gunz recognizes in that sentence are ‘Hillary’ and ‘Clinton’. When attempting to figure out what Bernie actually said… Gunz’s head explodes.
GUNZ TRIES TO SPELL ‘MESOPOTAMIA’
6:36:30 A.M. – Connell makes a reference to the Trump Rally he will be covering later today, and Tony says that he might show up as one of the Protestors. This causes Connell to worry, as Tony will no doubt be calling Connell’s name as he is abruptly, and forcibly, ‘Crowd Surfed’ out the door.
TONY GETS ‘ASKED’ TO LEAVE (ARTIST’S RENDERING)
7:11:22 A.M. – Connell reports that Pope Francis has been quoted saying that Money has become a God at the Center of the World. This, spoken by the man who is the head of an EIGHT BILLION DOLLAR organization.
“P-FRANKIE MAKIN’ IT RAIN, YO!”
7:17:34 A.M. – Warner reports on a Star Center for a Canadian High School Basketball Team…Jonathan Nicola, who was exposed for being a 30 year old Sudanese Refugee.
NICOLA, (TOP ROW, FIFTH FROM RIGHT) CAUSED SOME SUSPICION WHEN TEAMMATES NOTICED HE WAS THE ONLY PLAYER IN THE SHOWER WHO HAD GREY PUBIC HAIR
7:23:11 A.M. – Bernie plays a clip of Sheila E., remembering Prince…and she says that he was in constant agony most of his life from jumping off high risers onstage in high heels. It’s also what causes Senator Lindsey Graham’s knee trouble.
SENATOR GRAHAM. HE HAS A BAG TO MATCH
7:39:16 A.M. – Amie Parnes, reporter from ‘The Hill’, notes that the Koch Brothers, two of the biggest contributors to the Republican Party, actually suggested that Hillary Clinton might be a better president than any candidate on the G.O.P. side. She goes on to note that Hillary is more ‘Hawkish’ than any other current candidate, and is more willing to use Military Force. Then again, she is from Chicago, and… “He pulls a bazooka, you pull an Air Strike; he sends one of yours to a M*A*S*H* unit, you send one of his home in a Body Bag….THAT’S The Chicago Way!”
“HE BRINGS SANCTIONS…YOU LAUNCH NUCLEAR MISSILES…” HILLARY ADVISES PRESIDENT OBAMA
7:43:16 A.M. – Amie goes on to suggest that there actually may be a ‘Republicans for Hillary’ Movement.
“SHE HAD ME AT ‘HOT SAUCE’…”
8:05:11 A.M. – Bernie plays a clip of Donald Trump doing his impression of ‘Hillary Clinton Reading a Teleprompter’…which sounds like she’s making a Hostage Tape. Actually, it’s from all those years talking to her husband…low and slow, and through clenched teeth…
DONALD DOES A ‘KILLER’ HILLARY IMPRESSION. MORE SPECIFICALLY, IT’S A ‘KILLER HILLARY’ IMPRESSION
8:17:45 A.M. – Bernie plays a clip of Bill Maher’s ‘25 Things You Didn’t Know About Ted Cruz.’ Which is 24 more than we had…we got stuck after ‘He’s a Big Douche’.
NUMBER 17: ‘HE WAS BULLIED SO MUCH, SOMETIMES HE WOULD KICK HIS OWN ASS, JUST TO SAVE TIME.’
8:40:43 A.M. – Michael Goodwin of the New York Post is on to discuss the Bill De Blasio Fundraising Scandal. As far as we can tell, from Mr. Goodwin’s description, Mayor De Blasio is not to use obscure political jargon, … ‘In Deep Doo Doo’.
“I REALLY STEPPED IN IT THIS TIME…”
8:41:07 A.M. – It seems that Mayor De Blasio moves money around like a Three Card Monte dealer in Washington Square Park. Goodwin suggests that Hizzoner may need to retain a lawyer…and we wonder if he has Arthur Aidala on Speed Dial.
“YOU DON’T TALK TO ANYBODY…AS FAR AS YOU KNOW, THE MONEY FELL OUT OF A BIRTHDAY CARD YOUR NANA SENT YOU…”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
‘25 Things You Didn’t Know About Ted Cruz’
‘The Chicago Way’