6:05:43 a.m. – Delbert and Glen and the band are here this morning, and, according to the I-Man, neither Delbert nor anybody in the band, not even Wendy, Delbert’s lovely wife, seemed all that happy to see him. The only one who stood to shake his hand and say ‘Hi’ was Glen…and Imus isn’t all that crazy about him. It figures, the one person who actually likes the Boss…and the I-Man has no use for him.
FUNNY…ONLY THE GUY IN THE FUNNY HAT WAS HAPPY TO SEE THE I-MAN
6:09:22 a.m. – In polite, public discourse, etiquette dictates that people say “How are you doing?” when they meet a friend who they know is ill. Except not one person does with the I-Man. Because he’ll actually tell them. Nobody has that much free time. We have learned not even to say ‘Hello’ to him…we have resorted to… “What’s wrong with you now?”
SOME QUESTIONS JUST SHOULDN’T BE ASKED
6:15:49 a.m. – Surely a sign of the impending Apocalypse…Warner was RIGHT! He took the Bucs. He says he’s 100 imaginary dollars ahead. Actually, he’s just even, as there was a point spread tie over the weekend, and there has been many a man hung over a balcony by his ankles because “Ties count as a loss.”
MICHAEL JACKSON WASN’T PLAYING WHEN HE TOLD HIS INFANT SON, BLANKET, ‘I WANT MY MONEY, BITCH’. (BECAUSE HE’S ‘BAD’)
6:27:43 a.m. – Delbert and Glen sing ‘I ain’t old, but I been around a long time.’ We smell a new Imus in the Morning theme song…
METHUSELAH. HE WAS AROUND A LONG TIME TOO
6:40:43 a.m. – Roxanne Donovan, on the Board of Directors of ‘Joan’s Legacy, United Against Lung Cancer’ is on to promote the “Blues and News” fundraiser this Thursday night, featuring Delbert McClinton, Glen Clark and the band. There will be a silent auction that will include an item of particular interest: The opportunity to have a character named after you in a Stephen King novel. The I-Man would bid on it, but he’s already BEEN in a Stephen King novel. The title character in King’s story about an evil, rabid dog: Cujo
THE I-MAN’S FILM DEBUT
7:01:06 a.m. – Dr. Bill reports that we will have rain and wet snow today. “Rain or Snow?” the I-Man demands to know. “Rain…wet snow…close enough.” Not exactly ‘Accu-Weather’. Where’s the Doppler Radar, Mr. Weatherbee? Close enough? That may be okay for hand grenades and horseshoes…but not a meteorological event.
“THERE WILL BE A MIX OF RAIN AND WET SN…AH, F#$% IT, LOOK OUT YOUR F#$% ING WINDOW.”
7:03:43 a.m. – During the local news break, Connell reports on Yellow Dog, an Iranian Band that ‘Broke Up’, according to the I-Man, by way of murder/suicide. And people hate Yoko Ono…and all she did was break up the Beatles, not shoot them to death. Rob ruminates on the event, unaware his microphone is on. “Well, at least there won’t be any reunion tour.” No, Rob, there won’t be…unless you count the one in Hell.
THE WELCOMING COMMITTEE IN ROCK N’ ROLL HELL
7:15:43 a.m. – “I just got an eMail from Kevin Magee about my hat.” Apparently, our TV Boss here at Fox Business would like the I-Man to push his hat back so the audience can see his face. Does Mr. Magee want to run the risk of Trauma Lawsuits? “No, I’m not going to push my hat back…I’m not Dale Evans.” Well, that’s what you would technically call a “Distinction without a Difference”.
ULTIMATELY, THE I-MAN DECIDED TO GO WITHOUT THE HAT
7:40:38 a.m. – Author James Swanson is on with his new book, End of Days: The Assassination of John F. Kennedy. The I-Man makes the observation to Mr. Swanson that he looks like the kind of person that you might find when you pick up the paper and read that he had murdered everybody in the town.
“HE ALWAYS LOOKED FINE TO US. QUIET. KEPT TO HIMSELF. WE NEVER THOUGHT HE HAD SO MANY BODIES BURIED IN HIS BACK YARD. WE JUST THOUGHT HE WAS LAYING SOD.”
8:05:46 a.m. – We get the disturbing news that Jenna Jameson is getting back into Porn. Why ‘disturbing’? Have you seen her lately? As many times as we’ve enjoyed the ‘Trains’ going in and out of that ‘Tunnel’, that particular ‘Train’ has left the station. She’s now, a virtual ‘Train Wreck’. Holy God.
JENNA JAMESON: NOTHING A LITTLE MAKEUP…OKAY, A LOT OF MAKEUP… COULDN’T FIX
8:17:11 a.m. – Imus reports that California has proposed a new law that would require Porn Stars to use condoms AND protective Eye Wear when shooting Adult Films. In a related story, Vivid Pictures has bought a bunch of goggles with blackened out lenses for the actors shooting scenes with Jenna Jameson.
“HEY, WHERE IS SHE? I WANT TO MEET HER…HEY! I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING WITH THESE ON! OH. RIGHT. THAT’S THE POINT.”
8:40:27 a.m. – Delbert and Glen entertain again. Two more tunes, “I Said Yes When I Oughta Know” and “Peace in the Valley”. Imus makes the observation that Delbert still sounds amazing, despite the fact that he’s the same age as he is. We would like to make the observation that Imus also still sounds amazing. When he’s not coughing, wheezing or complaining about the nodule on his vocal cords.
DELBERT AND HIS GRANDFA…UM…THE I-MAN
9:05:37 a.m. – Connell reports on the controversy over the size of The World Trade Center Tower in NYC, and the Willis Tower in Chicago. Apparently, both cities are waiting on a ruling from The Height Committee of the Council on Tall Buildings and Urban Habitat. (Your Tax Dollars…At Work!) Chicago claims theirs is bigger, because you shouldn’t count the needle on the Trade Center Tower. It’s the same old story. Two sides, debating over who has the longest ‘needle’. Considering how cold Chicago is, it’s probably bigger…if you count ‘shrinkage’.
“UM…I’M SORRY…THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE. USUALLY, I’M A FULL 110 STORIES…I’M JUST UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE AT WORK.”
9:13:12 a.m. – There’s a story about Karl Rove and the I-Man mentions that he has frequently mistaken Rove for Dick Morris…and then relates that neither man will appear on the program. He’s especially perturbed at Morris’ refusal to be a guest, considering we offered to have a dog collar and a hooker available for him.
DICK MORRIS ENJOYING A LITTLE ‘DOWN BOY’ TIME
VIDEO OF THE DAY
When the I-Man thinks ‘Goggles’…he doesn’t think ‘Porn’…
…He thinks ‘Rocky and Bullwinkle’.