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Deirdre's Corner

 Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Congress must make Chemical Safety Act live up to its name

by Deirdre Imus - The Frank R. Lautenberg Chemical Safety Act for the 21st Century has a nice ring to it. Named for the late, longtime New Jersey Senator who passed away in 2013, the bill, championed in the Senate by Republican David Vitter and Democratic Tom Udall, would reform the Toxic Substances Control Act of 1976 (TSCA). It is a shame that both the current and proposed legislation fall far short of their lofty names, and that countless Americans have suffered, are suffering, will suffer as a result.  Read more...

Deirdre Imus on Your World with Neil Cavuto - Little Caesars now selling pizza with bacon-wrapped crust

 

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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    Friday
    Oct032014

    You're Stupid

    6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man rails against the media’s Ebola coverage.  Our guest yesterday, Dr. Scott Gottleib, scared the hell out of us, but then Shep Smith had an expert on, and Shep maintains that this Ebola thing is all blown out of proportion, and that they’re making a big deal out of nothing.  Imus then repeats one of the key components of his philosophy: ‘You Can’t Get A Straight Answer Out Of Anybody’.   “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”  Rob would say “No.” because he doesn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings.  The Boss would say “YES!  JESUS, YES!!! YOUR ASS LOOKS LIKE AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER EATING A CHEESECAKE!”  By the way, I-Man…your hair looks GREAT today.

    YAH.  IT’S THE JEANS.

    6:18:16 a.m. –  “I want you to go to the Starbucks on 60th and Broadway, and tell the manager that, the next time he doesn’t open when he’s supposed to, I’m going to come over there with Bo Dietl and punch him in the neck.”   Imus is not pleased that his morning ritual of drinking a ‘Black Eye’, (Coffee with TWO shots of Espresso) is interrupted.   Who is he?  The F*CKING RAINMAN?  One little deviation from the norm and it’s over?   We’re putting together a paper plate with some cheese balls and tooth picks.  Hopefully, he’ll know how many are left in the box.

    “FIVE MINUTES TO CAVUTO…DEFINITELY FIVE MINUTES TO CAVUTO”

    6:49:08 a.m. – Bill Hemmer, back in the Green Room, post interview, says “You got a live one there.  I love it.”   Interesting statement, as part of the discussion was about how people really never tell the truth.  

    PENNY FOR HIS THOUGHTS?  WE’LL TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT HE’S THINKING: “THAT TIRE IRON AND BAG OF LIME IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR…AND A NICE, SECLUDED SPOT IN THE PINE BARRENS.”

    6:57:28 a.m. – Imus can’t figure out what he wants to eat from Starbucks.  The Mozzarella / Tomato Sandwich sucks, the Spinach / Feta Ciabatta is worse, and he doesn’t want the Protein Pack, because the peanut butter is too hard to open.  White People’s Problems.  We would tell him to ask the Starbucks Baristas for a suggestion, but we already know that answer:  “How about a nice, hot, Venti cup of S*it?”  

    “VENTI TURD LATTE, SOY MILK, NO FOAM?” NOTICE THE BRAND NEW STARBUCKS  ‘I-MAN LOGO’

    7:14:42 a.m. – Imus, sicker than 6.7 dogs, still soldiered in this morning, as Deirdre promised to take care of him when he came home.  We aren’t sure if by ‘Take Care’ she means the same thing as when the mob ‘Takes Care’ of somebody, or whether she will be the Central Park West version of Florence Nightingale, and fawn over him, firing up some tasty nachos and popcorn for him while he watches all 4 Major League Baseball Games today.

    ‘NURSE’ DEIRDRE GETTING READY FOR A LITTLE PRICK.

    IT’S NOT THE FIRST TIME.

    7:32:10 a.m. –  VINNIE FROM QUEENS   The I-Man’s position is that Sports Players should be able to yell back at the Fans, say ‘F You!’ and threaten to beat their asses…not unlike Boston Bruin, Mike Milbury, on December 23rd 1979, when he went into the stands at a Ranger game and beat a Ranger fan with the fan’s own shoe.

    “I CHALLENGE YOU!  CORDOVANS AT 50 PACES!”

    7:36:19 a.m. –   It would be a really spirited, interesting discussion, but Gunz’s hair is so distracting.  He looks like the guy in the Little Rascals when he got surprised by something.

    GUNZ.  NO, REALLY, IT LOOKS GOOD.

    7:42:18 a.m. –  The discussion about whether Players have the right to yell back at fans, leads the I-Man to ask Dagen how she would like it if he brought four or five people into the studio to heckle her while she gave the business report, maintaining nobody would like it if they had somebody criticize and say nasty things to them while they were trying to do their jobs.  Fat Rob and Four Eyed Tony, (both of whom suck and are not funny) don’t know what that feels like.

     “HOW HARD IS IT TO DO A F*CKING SIDELINE REPORT, MAGGOT?”

    7:47:24 a.m. – Mike from Washington D.C. calls in to Vinnie From Queens. He doesn’t have a sports question or comment, he just wanted to see if the phone number the I-Man gave out really works. 

     

    “HEY…IMUS…WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?”

    8:06:32 a.m. –  The I-Man says that he had planned to retire and manage Wyatt’s Rodeo Career, which he still plans to do, but he will never retire.  He will work as long as they will have him.  Because, as he paraphrases Bob Dylan, he’d need a dumptruck to unload everything on his mind.  In short, he’d have NOBODY to bitch to, or, for that matter, about.  So you do provide a valuable service, dear listeners.  You tune in every morning at 6, otherwise wheezing and a mental patient coughing fit will be the last sounds you hear before the I-Man fires his sniper rifle at you from the terrace of his Central Park West Penthouse.  Your choice.

    “I’LL SHOW YOU STARBUCKS BASTARDS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE A TASTY SANDWICH THAT I CAN EAT…”

    8:23:46 a.m. –  After much ado about nothing earlier, the I-Man reveals that he really enjoyed his Starbucks Breakfast.  The Veggie & Fontiago Sandwich was a “Bad Ass Sammidge.”  They are still on the Starbucks Menu, although there was only one left at the outlet across the street…which, the Barista said, they were SAVING JUST FOR HIM.  It’s true.  It has his name written boldly over where “XXX WARNING!!! DO NOT SELL THIS ONE XXX” has just been erased.

    CHOCK FULL OF PROTEIN.  YOU JUST DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT KIND.

    8:38:14 a.m. –  Mike Emmanuel shares his experience dealing with interviews where the subjects are suspicious because he’s from Fox.  They ask ‘Is this for Hannity?  Is this for O’Reilly?’ and he says ‘No, this is to get it right.’   The question they SHOULD be asking is: ‘Is this for Imus?’  He is DEFINITELY someone who you should worry about.  Because what he will say will MAKE the news.

    MIKE EMMANUEL:  THEN ( L ) AND NOW ( R )

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    TWO EXAMPLES WHY PLAYERS SHOULD DEFINITELY BE ALLOWED TO GET BACK AT HECKLING FANS:

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjupnYB5vUI

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLUbycSKAqY

    Comments from the I-Man: This sh*t is not funny. It is stupid. Do you know why it's stupid? No you don't. Do you know why you don't. Because you're stupid. Rob and Tony are stupid. You're stupid. Deal with it.

    Thursday
    Oct022014

    Ebola

    6:05:10 a.m. – We’re back on set!  Freed from the prison of the Green Room! 

    THE GREEN ROOM.  (ARTIST’S RENDERING OF THE BASTILLE)

    6:05:13 a.m. – Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty we are…oh.  We’re only out here to get chastised by the I-Man. He wants to chew us out.  In person.  On air.   Apparently, Fran Wood, wife of Media Columnist David Hinckley, a columnist herself and a painter, has been emailing the boss critiques of the program.  Hey, Grandma Moses…this is our job.  We don’t send you emails and tell you your Landscapes suck.

    HEY FRAN.  TAKE A FEW LESSONS. THEN USE THE MATCHES INSIDE TO SET THE PAINTINGS ON FIRE.  BECAUSE THEY WILL SUCK.

    6:40:08 a.m. –  Gordon Chang is on to discuss the Hong Kong protests. If we wanted a History Lesson on China, we would’ve rented ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.’   He mentions that Hong Kong’s chief executive, Mr. Leung, is referred to by the protestors as ‘Mr. 689’, which refers, not only to the number of votes he received out of 7 million, but there is no ‘7’ in the name, which in Cantonese, rhymes with the Chinese word for ‘penis’.  What they are essentially saying is that Mr. Leung…is not Hung.  See what we did there?

    “YOUR JUNK IS LIKE A MOSQUITO’S WING…INVISIBLE TO THE EYE.”

    6:51:11: a.m. – Dagen reveals that she shaves her legs twice a day.  TWICE a day?  What happens if Chewbacca skips a day?  Now we know why she wears them sexy shoes.  To distract us from them furry gams.

    FORGET THE GILLETTE FLEX BALL RAZOR WITH THE TRIPLE BLADE TECHNOLOGY.  BETTER  GET THE LAWN BOY WITH THE BRIGGS & STRATTON MOTOR

    7:05:28 a.m. – We begin the second quarter of the program with the image of Hong Kong Executive CY Leung’s Little Love Lizard firmly implanted in our brains, but Dagen replaces that horrifying sight with some Ebola fears.  She says people have to get on airplanes…and sometimes they get on sick, and you have a responsibility as a passenger to get them the hell off.  She once had some mouth breather sitting next to her with an open Staph infection, wearing BERMUDA SHORTS, no less!  She got him thrown off the flight.  She has also had a blind guy, a dead guy, and someone with a really bad stutter thrown off, because…well…it’s DAGEN.  Who is gonna go against that crazy woman?  We’re surprised they even let HER on the plane.

    “DAMMIT!  IS SAID IT’S JUST A COLD SORE!!! DON’T MAKE ME SPIT ON YOU!”

    7:32:10 a.m. –  THE MENSA MEETING  Only one topic: Ebola.  That’s all they need.  Deirdre’s head damn near EXPLODES.  Alan Colmes stays toe to toe with her, but although he’s able to go the distance, he loses by unanimous decision.  That being the decision of Deirdre.  Bernard basically attempted to provide a Rodney King, ‘Can’t we all get along’ stance, while Gunz…pretty much sat in a corner sucking his thumb.  And he’s the future of America.  No wonder everybody hates us.

    HIT ‘IM IN THE MUSCLE!  HIT ‘IM IN THE MUSCLE!

      GUNZ, BEFORE HE CURLED UP IN A FETAL POSITION, PROVING THAT…HE DOES, INDEED, ‘SUCK’

    8:13:32 a.m. –  The I-Man gives props to Jeff Markham, Tommy Morrison, and Joe Beaver.  Jeff, the Real Estate Agent, Tommy, the Contractor, and Joe, 8 Time World Champion Roper 2 Time Olympic Gold Medalist.  The Brenham, Texas Mob:

    JEFF ‘THE REAL ESTATE AGENT’  MARKHAM

    TOMMY ‘THE CONTRACTOR’ MORRISON

     JOE ‘THE COWBOY’ BEAVER

    8:16:16 a.m. –  Dr. Scott Gottleib, from the FDA, is waiting to come out and talk about Ebola, and he’s here in the Green Room, hanging by the Craft Services Table…and sneezes.  Without covering his mouth.  Irony?  Who’s to say?  It normally wouldn’t be a big deal, except he did it over the Bagel tray, which, of course, means Rob will be VERY sick.

    “PLEASE TELL ME THAT WHITE STUFF IS JUST CREAM CHEESE…”

    8:38:14 a.m. –  Dr. Scott Gottleib is on, and he is, basically, SCARING THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF US.  He says that although Ebola is not generally considered an ‘Airborne’ carried disease, it can be transmitted through respiratory droplets.  Which means that mouthbreather from your office may be a little more dangerous than you first thought when you found out he lived in his mother’s basement and had an extensive collection of Star Wars Action Figures, and so, when he coughed in your face…it was pretty much a death sentence.  Bottom line is…Deirdre was right!   And so we feel the I-Man’s pain.  We know what he’s going home to this morning.  Godspeed, Imus.  We’re sure you’d rather contract Ebola than have to listen to her for the rest of the week.

    “WHO WAS RIGHT?  WHO WAS RIGHT?  SAY IT!”

    “YOU WERE.”

    “WHAT?  I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

    “YOU WERE!”

    “THAT’S BETTER.”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    One thing is for sure…the I-Man will be very sleepy tomorrow, because he will be awake all night, worried about

     

    The F*CKING EBOLA VIRUS 

     THE CDC KNOWS THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO COMBAT AN OUTBREAK:

    KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF YOUR MONKEYS, FOLKS.

     THEN ASK YOURSELF:

    W.W.M.F.D?

    “What Would Morgan Freeman Do?”

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mj9SUJdpJS4

    Wednesday
    Oct012014

    Too Soon?

    6:05:10 a.m. – Martha MacCallum is already here, in the Green Room, preparing for her appearance in the first quarter of today’s program.  We’re tellin’ you right now, that’s a fine lookin’ woman.  Between her, and Deirdre and Lis…we are in  Blonde Heaven.  Although, we’re not sure Martha’s doesn’t come out of a bottle.  Something tells us her hair is more like Dagen’s.  (Another fine lookin’ woman, but Brunette Day is tomorrow)

    MARTHA MACCALLUM, SHE’S GOT DARKER ROOTS THAN ALEX HALEY

    6:06:12 a.m. – Imus says that Deirdre watches the news, and tells him all the scary stories in the headlines just before he goes to bed, which causes him to have nightmares.  He wakes up at 3 A.M. thinking people are chasing him down the hall.  Which he should automatically sense is a dream…he couldn’t even walk briskly down a hallway without stopping to catch his breath, cough and take an oxygen hit.  Of course, that would probably stave off any impending scary monster attack…even the Boogey Man would feel sorry and offer the I-Man a glass of water.

    “I KNOW YOU’RE THERE…I CAN HEAR YOU WHEEZING…DUDE…ARE YOU OKAY?”

    6:12:16 a.m. –  Imus is ready to ‘Go to the Mattresses’ with the property lines on his Ranch in Texas.  His neighbors have their cows on his land…and he wants the Heifers off of it.  Now.  They claim ignorance, unsure as to what the borders are  …so the Boss pays to find out…and discovers he has another 400 acres he didn’t initially have.  Some people find lost socks underneath their couches…the I-Man finds huge chunks of real estate.  At the approximate price of land per acre in Brenham, that’s somewhere around SIX Muh Muh Muh MILLION DOLLARS worth of property.  That’s a lot of Muthaf*kkin’ change in the sofa, son.

    ONE OF THE EASY CHAIRS AT THE I-RANCH IN TEXAS

    6:16:32 a.m. – Dagen reports that there are now panties available made with caffeine, ostensibly to help you lose weight. They’re called ‘iPants’.  Of course, you could spill a cup of coffee In your lap and it would pretty much do the same thing…which is nothing, as Dagen says the iPants don’t work.   The iPants we’re familiar with usually have urine in them.  We’re not sure they help you lose weight…although the  the I-Man IS awfully thin…

    THESE MAY NOT HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT…BUT THEY SURE WILL KEEP YOU FROM GETTING LAID

    6:46:03 a.m. – Martha MacCallum is on to discuss the new case of Ebola in the U.S.  Oh, great.   Another disease the I-Man can fear he’s got.  It’s an insidious illness…as you can mistake the symptoms for something else: Headache, Diarrhea, Vomiting.  All of which you can experience while watching ‘Morning Joe’.   The first case of Ebola in the United States is now in Texas.  The Boss has been to The Lone Star quite frequently of late… and he was complaining that he didn’t feel well…

    TRUST US, YOU’D RATHER GET EBOLA

    7:18:42 a.m. –  Turns out you need to have contact with the bodily fluids of someone infected with Ebola in order to contract the disease...  

    …SO IF YOU SEE SOMEBODY LIKE THIS, DON’T HAVE SEX WITH HIM

    7:19:10 a.m. – Back in the Green Room, Deirdre is overwhelmed by the emergence of Ebola in the nation.   She really doesn’t have anything to worry about.  If the I-Man had the disease, she would only get it if she had contact with any of his bodily flu… oh.  We see her point. Waking up to wet bed sheets would technically qualify as having contact with bodily fluids.

    DEIRDRE TAKES PREVENTATIVE MEASURES AGAINST EBOLA. 

    GO ON THE PAPER, I-MAN

    7:47:24 a.m. –  One of the B on B topics is about the ‘Yes Means Yes’ policy on College Campuses in California, that says that silence or lack of resistance, does NOT imply consent.  And that consent can be withdrawn at any time.  In other words, if your partner says nothing that is NOT considered a Green Light.   So FYI all you Necrophiliacs out there.

    "WELL…SHE DIDN’T SAY ‘NO’…”

    8:06:32 a.m. – The I-Man’s disgust with the Secret Service continues…he still is incredulous that someone was able to get into the White House so easily.  He says that the security here at Fox is better than that at the President’s residence.  We screen all the creepy people here…supposedly.  Yet, somehow, Frank Luntz and John Stossel still get through.

    WOULD YOU LET EITHER OF THESE GUYS ANYWHERE NEAR YOU?  THERE COULD AN  I.E.D. HIDDEN UNDER LUNTZ’S RUG, AND STOSSEL’S PORN ‘STACHE

     

    AND, DIGRESSING LIKE A COLLIE WHO, IN THE MIDDLE OF A WALK, STOPS TO LICK HIMSELF AND DISCOVERS, TO HIS HORROR, THAT HE’S BEEN NEUTERED,      IS IT US, OR DOES STOSSEL LOOK A LOT LIKE CROSS BETWEEN HARRY REEMS AND  ‘YANNI’ WITH A BAD HAIRCUT?

    8:18:16 a.m. –  Warner’s Sports Report includes the news that the Kansas City Royals, who won their first playoff game since 1985, last night against the Oakland A’s.  He plays a clip from A’s starting pitcher Jon Lester, who, despite their loss, has a lot of respect for his team mates: “They put their balls on the line every night.” He says.  Warner adds… “Better known as Testicles.”   Which, by Mr. Wolf’s logic, would make a ‘Full Count’ be  two strikes and three testicles.  Or, for that matter, ‘Two Strikes and an Imus’, who, as you know, possesses ‘Tres Huevos’…like he doesn’t already have a  hard enough time walking… Anyway, we’re not so sure we’d want to put our balls on the line.  Especially when there are guys on the field wearing spiked shoes.

    THE A’S.  PUTTING THEIR BALLS ON THE LINE

     A SQUIRREL.  PUTTING HIS ‘NUTS’ ON THE LINE

    8:38:16 a.m. –  Captain Mark Kelly talks Gun Control with the I-Man, who admits that he owns a number of guns, which, if that’s not a prime example of why we need more stringent background checks, we don’t know what is.  He freaks out when his coffee gets cold.  Imus with a carry permit and he gets an eyelash in his eye…things could get ugly.  Astronaut Kelly then tells us that his brother will go on a mission to the International Space Station where he will stay for a year…but, sadly, he will get up there on a Russian Rocket, such is the current state of the U.S.A.’s program.  Pretty degrading for a man whose people landed on the moon, has to stand outside the launch pad with his thumb out, trying to hitch a ride from the Russkies. 

    “DUDE…INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION?  CAN I AT LEAST GO WITH YOU AS FAR AS BARSTOW?”

    8:42:10 a.m. –  The information about Captain Kelly’s brother spending 12 months up in the International Space Station sinks in…and gives us Claustrophobic Anxiety Attacks.  Just sitting in the middle seat on an airplane makes us hyperventilate. We can’t imagine being cooped up for a year with a bunch of Borscht eating, vodka swilling, overly gassy Russians.

    “GREAT, WE’RE OUT OF ORBIT AGAIN…HEY SERGEI,  ‘FESS UP.  DID YOU JUST CUT A ‘TANG’ FART?”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    ‘Too soon’?  Not Exactly.   This commercial is 13 years old.

     

    Who Says Ebola Isn’t Funny?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHa-AvLk4no

     

    Tuesday
    Sep302014

    The I-Credo

    6:05:10 a.m. – The show has a somewhat bumpy start, with Bernard not in position at the opening, one of many things that will serve only to irritate the I-Man further than he currently is.   Coming up is Hannah Storm, whose presence, we hope, despite her ironic last name, will help to calm the seas.

    “PEACE!  BE STILL!”

    6:08:16 a.m. – As new details emerge regarding the White House Fence Jumper, the Boss asks the question:  “Who do they have protecting the President?  Connell McShane?”  He’s not asking Connell a rhetorical question, he is actually suggesting that Connell is as good at security as the Secret Service. 

    MCSHANE…CONNELL MCSHANE.  AGENT 00-‘NOT-CHARLES’

    6:40:08 a.m. – Hannah Storm comes on and talks about Sideline Reporting, and reveals that she filled in for O.J. the year he became…too busy…because he was defending himself in a double-homicide case.  She says it was the worst professional experience she’s ever had.  But the interview has just started, so she may want to re-assess.

    “HEY, O.J….ARE YOU HEADED BACK TO BRENTWOOD?  CAN I CATCH A RIDE?  NO?  OKAY, WELL GIVE MY BEST TO NICOLE.”

    6:46:03 a.m. – The Boss has a hard time getting Hannah to stop her story about her tenure as a Sideline Reporter.  He wants to move onto another topic, but she plows on…not unlike Carl ‘Two Questions’ Jeffers.   She doesn’t realize that she could continue speaking for as long as she would like, provided she said the word ‘Imus’ every 12 seconds or so.

    GRAPHIC REPRESENTATION OF A SUCCESSFUL I-MAN FILLIBUSTER. AS WELL AS WHAT AN ANDY WARHOL PAINTING OF IMUS WOULD LOOK LIKE

    7:05:28 a.m. – Imus says that he was going to bitch about something, but can’t remember what it was.  Ohhhh, don’t worry, Boss.  You’ll think of something.  You always do.  That’s something we can count on. 

    THE I-CREDO

    7:14:28 a.m. –  Imus says that he went to the Eye Doctor, Dr. Levine, to check to see if he has any eyelashes that need to be removed.   Apparently, there were none, and Levine chose not to attack that field of winter wheat on the Boss’ forehead that he calls eyebrows.  But the Doc did take a selfie.

    THE I-MAN AND HIS EYE-DOCTOR. (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

    ACCORDING TO DEIRDRE, THE REAL DOCTOR LEVINE IS ACTUALLY YOUNG…AND HUNKY…WHICH CLEARS UP THE MYSTERY AS TO WHY SHE FELT THE NEED TO TAKE HER SHIRT OFF AT AN EYE-DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT

    7:18:36 a.m. –  Dagen reports that Wal-Mart is suggesting that Tracy Morgan is partly to blame for the accident on the Jersey Turnpike which caused the death of one of his good friends.  They claim that Morgan wasn’t wearing his seatbelt.  In a related story, the Vatican says that the Artisan who sold the Romans the wood for the cross, was partly responsible for the crucifixion of Jesus.

    THE 1ST ANNUAL JESUS GOLF OUTING HAD A CONTROVERSIAL SPONSOR FOR THE DINNER

    7:32:10 a.m. –  HOLLYWOOD & VINE  - After an unusual start, where the panel argued about the Netanyahu Speech, they segue into the AC/DC tour.  Riedel, surprisingly says that he’s not a fan of ‘AC/DC’.  We will let you write your own joke to that one.  He then admits that he prefers…wait for it…AIR SUPPLY.  F*CKING AIR F*CKING SUPPLY!  ‘LOST IN LOVE’ AIR SUPPLY.  Well, what would you expect from a guy who prefers ROGER MOORE to SEAN CONNERY?  Although, to be fair, the I-Man is also a fan of Air Supply.  Just not the band.  The one that comes out of a tank.

    AIR SUPPLY…USING THEIR AIR SUPPLY

    7:44:32 a.m. –  Riedel accuses the Boss of having a ‘Double Standard’, chastising Lupica for appearing on ‘Morning Joe’, when upcoming guest, The REAL Butcher of Broadway, Frank Rich, appears on MSNBC all the time.  “Call the Associated Press…” the I-Man says, “Breaking news, Imus has a double standard.”

    A TYPICAL DOUBLE STANDARD

    8:06:32 a.m. –  Nat is finally doing well as the Sideline Reporter.   You’re welcome.

    “SO…WE NO LONGER HAVE TO STAY IN SIBERIA?”

    “DON’T GET AHEAD OF YOURSELF.  WE STILL SUCK.”

    8:09:16 a.m. –   Imus had the misfortune, yesterday, of watching Mike Francesa’s program on Fox Sports 1.  It’s.  Just.  Awful.  “It’s like watching Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now…in the cave…” 

    "THE HORROR…THE HORROR…”

    8:19:38 a.m. –   Warner says that he’s rooting for the Oakland A’s in the Wildcard Game tonight, instead of the Kansas City Royals, even though they haven’t been in the playoffs since 1985.  Imus says that he likes the City of Kansas City.  And then lists some of the cities he hates: Aspen, Telluride, and, of course, Santa Fe.  Wait a minute.  Did you mean Kansas City Kansas?  Or Kansas City Missouri? 

    “TOTO, I HAVE A FEELING WE’RE NOT IN KANSAS CITY KANSAS ANYMORE.  I THINK THIS MUST BE MISSOURI.  LOOK AT ALL THE MIDGETS.”

    8:35:14 a.m. –  A REAL Theater Figure, Frank Rich, is on to discuss a myriad of topics, not the least of which is the recent White House Intrusion.  Rich points out that on his successful HBO show ‘Veep’, they created a set of the East Wing…the real version of which, the trespasser ran through.  Rich said it was harder to get on the Veep set than it was to get into the actual White House…which is true.  First, you need an agent…then you have to audition…hopefully, you get a callback, then get cast…unless you just go as a SAG extra, in which case, you wait around a lot just to stand in the background.  At the White House, all you need to do is hop a fence and get around the Secret Service.

    AN OVERZEALOUS ACTOR ON THE SET OF ‘VEEP’, GETTING TOO DEEP INTO CHARACTER:   “UM…LINE?”

    8:46:00 a.m. – Frank also talks about Bibi Netanyahu’s U.N. Speech yesterday.  He wasn’t quite as enthusiastic as the I-Man about Bibi’s performance.  But then again, he probably panned ‘Fiddler on the Roof.’

    “IF I WAS FRANK RICH, MAN…. YAIDLE YAIDLE YIDDLE DAIDLE DAIDLE DAIDLE DEEDLE DUM…”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE SIDELINE REPORT THE I-MAN CAME UP WITH

    IS AN EXAMPLE OF A GOOD IDEA.

    HERE’S AN EXAMPLE OF…A BAD IDEA

     

    “Homemade Fireworks”

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=717vb7kLKKk 

     

    Monday
    Sep292014

    Imus in the Morning Sideline Reporters

    6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man states that “This is what my life has degenerated to:  Over at the New Yorker, they are going with more provocative covers.”  This week’s features a cartoon of a football player being chased by the police.  Wow.  “Really cutting edge.” says Imus, in a wonderful mélange of irony and sarcasm.  Two things, by the way, that were sadly missing from the New Yorker Cover.

    NOW THIS IS A CONTROVERSIAL COVER

    6:12:4 a.m. – “Big & Rich sound a lot better together than the Florida Georgia Line people.” The Boss observes, adding that Dagen has revealed that the dudes from FGL have…bressesses.   Man-Boobs.  These are not the terms that Dagen used, rather , she employed the slang contained in the phrase ‘Titty Bar’. 

    BRIAN AND TYLER RECENTLY AT THE CMA AWARDS.  NICE RACKS, FELLAS.

    6:18:36 a.m. – During Warner’s Sports Report, he relays the information that New York Jets Quarterback Geno Smith was booed by the fans in the game against Detroit yesterday.  Apparently, on the way out of the stadium, the camera caught Geno saying ‘F*ck You’ to the crowd.  “Why wouldn’t he?” the I-Man answers.  “They were saying icky stuff and rooting for a dog murderer.”   We have a hard time with this story, as most of the Jets fans were already long gone before Geno left the stadium.  Maybe he was saying ‘F*ck You’ to the Hot Dog Vendor,Because he was one of the only people still left in the stands.

    GENO, CURSING THE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T SITTING IN THE EMPTY SEATS 

    6:42:03 a.m. – Bo is back, railing about cops being unable to do ‘Stop and Frisk’ in the Subways.  “They’re putting handcuffs on the cops.  Let our Police Officers do their jobs.  Otherwise, the Abba Dabba Dos will blow up the city.”  Bo neglects to say that the ban on the S&Fs is really his fault, due to his getting a little ‘Handy’ at a cocktail party, feeling up some of the debutantes at the Policeman’s Ball.    The I-Man makes fun of Bo’s pink tie, which Bo says, is synanonymous, (Which, we think, means “Anonymously Synonymously Symbolizes” in Bo-Ese.)   He says it represents solidarity with the Gays and Lesbianics. 

    BO IN PINK, PARTYING AT THE POST PRIDE PARADE PARTY

    7:05:28 a.m. –  The Boss comes up with an idea:  An Imus in the Morning Sideline Report, and nominates Carley Shimkus and Nat Candido to be the Alex Flanagan and Tony Siragusa of the Program.  Carley isn’t here, so Nat will be making his debut at 8 A.M, which will be ‘Half Time’ on the Imus in the Morning Program.  We’re not sure who will be performing at the ‘Half Time Show’.  We just hope it’s not Guns n’ Roses.

    NAT.  HE’S NOT CARLEY, BUT…

    THEN AGAIN, WHO IS?

    7:38:10 a.m. –  IT MIGHT BE ELVIS   Picked by the I-Man and the Wy-Man.  I-Man picks Grand Funk Railroad’s ‘Bad Time’, which is, indeed, a ‘Bad Time’ for the panel.  Jesus.  Bring us the head of Mark Farner.  Then there’s a Big n’ Rich tune, which the panel unanimously passes to go on into the Power Rotation, not because they were just here, mind you, but…okay, it’s really because they were just here…and they’re back together, and neither Big Kenny nor John Rich have Man Boobs.   Then Wyatt’s picks come into play.  Wait for it…wait for it…GUNS N’ ROSES!  Wow, you must be psychic!   Couldn’t see that one coming.  We think we have to stage a Musical Intervention at the Imus Compound.  We have to play some music that was recorded in the past 10 years.  Or at least play Wyatt a couple of Beatles Tunes so he can tell the difference between a good song, and a song that sucks.

    GROUP A

    GROUP B

    OK, WYATT.  ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER.

    8:05:32 a.m. –  It’s ‘Half Time’ here at the Imus in the Morning Program, and time for Nat Candido, our sideline reporter, to give us some stats, interview Dagen, and generally sum up the show so far.  Off air, the I-Man has said it’s okay for Nat to suck.  A statement that, obviously, Nat takes quite literally.  The interview with Dagen was a lot like Agent Clarice Starling interviewing Hannibal Lecter.  Although not quite as friendly.  

    DAGEN:  NOT ALL THAT APPROACHABLE

    8:16:16 a.m. –  Imus says that he finished reading O’Reilly’s Killing Patton, and reveals one of the historical tidbits that Bill included: Apparently, Hitler liked to use the excuse to ‘Walk his Dog’, because he had gas.  Not the dog, mind you, but Der Führer.  We find it a tad ironic that he would leave the bunker, so that nobody would smell ‘Gas’.   Maybe he should’ve laid off the Weiner schnitzel. 

     Das Führerfarten Mit Seinen Hund: 

    “Es ist mir egal, wie viele Leber behandelt sie haben, ich bin nicht deine Finger.”  “I DON’T CARE HOW MANY LIVER SNAPS YOU HAVE, I’M NOT PULLING YOUR FINGER”

    8:19:38 a.m. – Connell reads a heartbreaking story about a group of Japanese Hikers who were scaling a volcano when it erupted.  The I-Man shares a story that he thinks is related, about Gus the Polar Bear in Central Park. We know you are wondering, as initially we were, “What the F*CK a Motherf*cking Polar Bear has to do with Japanese Hikers dying in a volcanic eruption?” but…stay with us here.  Apparently, Gus the Polar Bear, as all Polar Bears in ANY zoo, was not happy being confined to the little pool that the zoo provided that he had to swim in to stay cool and relieve his boredom.  One day, some kid jumped into Gus’ enclosure, and, well, as Polar Bears are wont to do, Gus ATE the stupid bastard.  Moral to the story, never go hiking with a Polar Bear.  Especially on a volcano.

    IS ANYBODY ELSE HOT?  OR IS IT JUST ME?

    8:25:14 a.m. – Nat provides another Sideline Report:  Apparently, the I-Man drinks anywhere between 2 to 6 Starbucks’ Black Eyes, Coffee with a shot of espresso.  More than half of them go cold, 2 of the 3 that do are left not drunk because of the excess urine.

    IF YOU WERE TO LINE UP ALL THE COLD, UN-CONSUMED ‘BLACK EYES’ THAT THE I-MAN HAS ORDERED OVER THE PAST YEAR, IT WOULD STRETCH FROM HERE TO COLUMBIA, WHERE HE COULD HAVE USED THE MONEY SPENT ON THE COFFEE TO PROVIDE FOOD AND SHELTER FOR AN ENTIRE VILLAGE, WHICH IS   NOT UNLIKE WHAT HE USED TO WHAT HE ACTUALLY CONSUMED BACK IN THE 70’S, WITH A DIFFERENT KIND OF ‘PICK ME UP’.

    8:27:54 a.m. -  The Boss reveals his disdain at Mike Lupica, who went on ‘Morning Joe’ to promote his stupid Kids’ Sports Novel.  Like a lot of Kids are watching Morning Joe.  Well, maybe some of the boys, if only to touch themselves while looking at Mika Brzezinski…at least the ones who like much much much older women. 

    “YOU’RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS, JESUS.”

    “WHAT, JUDAS, MY FRIEND?”

    “MIKE LUPICA WENT ON MORNING JOE.  SOME PEOPLE HAVE NO LOYALTY”

    “TRUE THAT, JUDAS.  TRUE THAT.  WORD TO YOUR MOTHER.”

    8:30:00 a.m. – Dagen said that she was uncomfortable talking to Nat during the Sideline Segment, because the camera zoomed in on her legs, and she had not shaved them this morning.  Something which the hirsute Nat did not even notice.

    GOOD THING THE CAMERA DIDN’T ZOOM IN ON THIS.  LOOKS LIKE DAGEN NEEDS TO MAKE HER OWN ‘PIT STOP’

    8:40:08 a.m. – I-Fave Juan (No NPR) Williams is on to discuss a myriad of topics, the most pressing, it seems, the reunion of Fleetwood Mac. Juan says that he had heard that they were back together although he hadn’t yet seen them perform. Apparently Mr. Williams has been going to nothing but “old Rockers” concerts including, Rod Stewart, Santana, and Lionel Richie. What? No Grand Funk Railroad?  

    ‘FLEETWILL MACWOOD’

     

     VIDEO OF THE DAY

     

    Rare Footage of Adolph Hitler’s deep hatred of Starbucks, as as well as an example of his aforementioned horrible case of  Führer Flatulence.

     

    (If you close your eyes, he sounds EXACTLY  LIKE a certain ‘Great One’)

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwObeQBGBb8 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYSMm0Oj5HU 

     

    Comments from the I-Man: The blog is fine, but it's TWO shots of espresso!