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    Wednesday
    Jun182014

    Happy Birthday Gunz!

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man observes that, in the World Cup, we’ve all been reduced to rooting for countries that hate us.  Which would be…just about all of them.  Except maybe for England.

    FULECO, THE ARMADILLO.  OFFICIAL WORLD CUP 2014 MASCOT.  UM…SHOULDN’T HE ROLL HIMSELF UP INTO A BALL?

    LIKE SO?

    6:07:14 a.m. – Today Gunz is 27 years old, which, in Rock n’ Roll years…is the end of his life.  Hendrix, Joplin, Morrison…Smells Like Teen Spirit to us.  Of course, Gunz isn’t married to Courtney Love, so he might not be as inspired to eat the double barrel.  Although, we can’t say the same for whoever winds up being Gunz’s future wife.

    ROCK N’ ROLL HEAVEN.  ALTHOUGH GUNZ MIGHT MAKE IT HELL.

    6:11:14 a.m. – We get called out for dissing John Hiatt in yesterday’s blog.  The I-Man is offended that we attacked his good friend.  He wants to know why we were hating on the legendary singer/songwriter.  First, let us say that Mr. Hiatt…is a lovely guy.  We would love to sit in a car and listen to his new record ‘Old People’…provided the car was in the garage, the engine is running and the door is closed.  Actually, the only reason we took the shot at John Hiatt was…because we don’t think he reads this blog.  Of course, now he will, seeing as how the Boss has just brought it up on the air.  Thanks, Imus.  And you rock, John Hiatt.  LOVE that ‘Old People’, as we actually became them after listening to it.

    JOHN HIATT READS YESTERDAY’S BLOG.

    6:28:07 a.m. –  Kenny Wayne Shepherd is here.  He’s going to sing the blues.  His new album is called ‘Goin’ Home’.  Which, coincidentally, is where Dagen would like to take him. The boy is ‘D.R.E.A.M.Y HHHHHHHot!’ “If the House is a Rockin’ Don’t Bother Knockin’”   Ummmm hmmmm.  Message received, Ms. McDowell.

    KENNY WAYNE SHEPHERD.  HE LOVES THE BABY JESUS.  AND HE LOVES TO ROCK.                AND WE WON’T BE SAYING ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT HIM.  BECAUSE HE’S SITTING ABOUT 3 FEET AWAY FROM US.

    6:37:07 a.m. –  K.T. McFarland is on to discuss the volatile, growing crisis in Iraq.  What did you think she was going to talk about?  Kanye West at Bonnaroo?

    "YO, K.T., I’M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU, AND I’MA LET YOU FINISH…BUT RICHARD HAASS GOT THE BEST TAKE ON FOREIGN AFFAIRS OF ALL TIME!  OF ALL TIME!”

    7:09:28 a.m. – We wonder whether Gunz will lose his virginity this year.  Sure, that’ll happen. And the Mets will win the Pennant.  The Bunny Ranch has an order of protection against Gunz.  He violated one of the girls’ pet rabbits.  Left a twenty dollar bill inside the cage.  Obviously, he didn’t grasp the concept of the ‘Bunny’ Ranch.  Speaking of that, he’s not allowed at the Dog Track any more either.

    IF YOU CAN’T GET LAID HERE…YOU CAN’T GET LAID ANYWHERE

    7:39:34 a.m. – ‘Blonde on Blonde’.  One of the contentious topics is the Time Magazine Cover Story that suggests that everybody can now eat BUTTER.  Lis sees no problem with this theory, as she likes to chew a stick or two every once and awhile to take the edge off.  Sometimes she actually does it in the dairy section of the A&P.  It must be why the I-Man comments that she looks like she’s gained a little weight.  It’s not like she could be pregnant, because the Rabbit didn’t die.  Much to Gunz’s relief, by the way.  

    GEE, WHERE’S THE ‘GHEE’? (THE EXTRA 40 POUNDS ARE JUST FROM THE TV)

      

    HEY, TIME MAGAZINE SAID IT WAS OKAY

    8:06:32 a.m. – “Dagen?  Have either you or Carley made any inroads with Kenny Wayne Shepherd?” says, Imus, obviously trying to cause some trouble with the ladies and their significant others.  We are informed that Mr. Shepherd is ‘Married’, as he is ‘Wearing a Ring’.  Carley’s wearing a ring as well.  She’s engaged to be married.  She’ll be setting a date for when she’ll finally set a date, sometime in the future…just not too near.  Her fiancée, Pete, is a big burly dude, who wouldn’t cotton to some Country Hunk putting the moves on his betrothed.  Unless, of course, he’s a Michigan fan.  Probably not.  Kenny’s from Shreveport, LA, so he probably roots for the LSU Tigers

    WHAT KENNY WAYNE IS WEARING UNDERNEATH HIS JEANS.  NOTE THAT THEY ARE PARTICULARLY LONG…HE NEEDS THE SUPPORT.  THERE MAY BE A CATFIGHT BETWEEN DAGEN AND CARLEY BEFORE THE MORNING IS OVER

    8:29:14 a.m. – The I-Man interviews Kenny Wayne, and finds that he’s been a self-taught guitarist since he was 7, when he actually got to meet Stevie Ray Vaughan, and watch a concert from backstage, an event that  Kenny says ‘Changed his life.’  We’re just glad he didn’t go see Marilyn Manson back then.

    KENNY WAYNE AT 7…HAD THINGS WORKED OUT DIFFERENTLY

    8:31:14 a.m. – KWS and the Band play ‘King Bee’, the old Muddy Waters song.  Jesus, do these guys smoke!  And we don’t just mean when they disappear into the Tour Bus.   They’re amazing musicians.  The Drummer is  Chris Layton, formerly of ‘Double Trouble’ with the aforementioned Stevie Ray Vaughan.

    CHRIS LAYTON.  AND HIS BEST GIRL, SHELBY.  (THAT’S THE NAME OF THE CAR, NUMBNUTS)

    8:42:14 a.m. – Kenny and the Boys play ‘Blue on Black’ which is, according to Mr. Shepherd, “Our biggest hit so far.”   Cold on ice, A dead man's touch, Whisper on a scream, Doesn't change a thing, Don't bring you back, Blue on Black.”   It sure ain’t  ‘If You’re Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands.’

    THE ORIGINAL CLASSIC.  BACK WHEN JONI MITCHELL WAS STILL WITH THE BAND

    8:47:14 a.m. – They finish with a kickass cover of a Gary Moore classic,  “I was lookin’ back to see if she was lookin’ back to see if I was lookin’ back at her.”  Boogie Woogie for Breakfast.  Not bad for a bunch of guys who’ve basically been up since Flag Day.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    SO YOU CAN KEEP THE PARTY GOING…

    KWS

    ‘BLUE ON BLACK’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0mb0_SUx-A 

    Tuesday
    Jun172014

    The I-Man is Back!

    6:05:10 a.m. –   We are back after more than a week sabbatical from The Imus in The Morning Program, rested, refreshed and ready. 

    6:05:22 a.m. –   Somebody shoot us.  John Hiatt’s got a new record out.  Thankfully, Lou informs the I-Man that it doesn’t come out until July.  But, unfortunately, The I-Man has a copy.  There’s no way for him to play it unless he can get it to Lou somehow, which will give us enough time to fill a bathtub and plug in the toaster.

    BILL MURRAY.  HE’S NOT ENJOYING THE NEW JOHN HIATT RECORD EITHER

    6:11:22 a.m. –   Deirdre will be filling in for Michael Riedel during ‘Hollywood & Vine’, as he is at a dude ranch with his parents.  A dude ranch called ‘PAWS UP’, at which, we’re sure, there will be some Show Tunes Sing-alongs by the Campfire, and much riding Side Saddle.  Deirdre’s appearance has us considering changing the name of the segment to ‘Blonde on Brit on Bitch’.  Dagen hears us and threatens to remove our uvulas with her bare hands.

     HANG ON TO YOUR UVULAS.  DAGEN IS IN A ‘MOOD’

    6:13:14 a.m. – The I-Man reports that, at the Hotel in Abilene, he had FOUR shirts laundered for $13.00.   As opposed to Hallak Cleaners here in New York, where ONE shirt costs $15.00.  And doesn’t have enough starch, to boot.  Of course, the rent for a dry cleaner in Abilene is about 240 bucks a month.   And the State subsidizes that.  Still, with just the I-Man’s business alone, Mr. Hallak could buy ALL the Dry Cleaners in Abilene.  And charge $13.00 for ONE shirt.  And it STILL wouldn’t have enough starch.

    YOU CAN’T MAKE IT UP.  AT LEAST THERE’S A 17 CENT SURCHARGE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT

    6:20:14 a.m. – The I-Man discovers a new Mexican Restaurant in Abilene, that makes the fare at La Bodega taste like dog food.  Let’s get this straight, Imus.  You found a good Mexican restaurant in ANOTHER city in Texas?  Somebody call Ripley’s. You can throw a rock down any street in Texas and find a good Mexican Restaurant.  For that matter, you could throw a rock down somebody’s driveway and hit someone who is cooking good Mexican Food. 

    A MAP OF MEXICAN RESTAURANTS IN TEXAS

    A MAP OF MEXICANS IN TEXAS

    6:20:14 a.m. – Bill O’Reilly has a new book coming out.  “Killing Patton”.  What’s next?  “Killing Sonny Corleone”?  We’d like to write “Killing O’Reilly”, so he’ll stop writing these effing books.  Or rather, stop getting Martin Dugard to write these effing books for him.  He’s “Killing US.”

    THE AUDIO BOOK IS READ BY STEPHEN COLBERT

    6:37:07 a.m. –  Bo Dietl is in to discuss the IRS…we think. Then again, he could be talking about the INS, or IBS, for that matter.  He may not have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, but we do believe he’s a carrier. 

    SYMPTOMS INCLUDE CONSTIPATIONATATION & DIARRHEATIZATION

    7:09:28 a.m. – Dagen goes Bat S#^+ over Lori Rothman’s giving away the ending of ‘Game of Thrones’.  Apparently, Dagen doesn’t know about the Internet.  By the way, we don’t want to give out a spoiler, Dagen but the Castaways never get off ‘Gilligan’s Island.’  

    HEY, PROFESSOR!  HOW ABOUT YOU FORGET THE COCONUT FUELED JET PACK AND BUILD AN EFFING BOAT?

    7:39:34 a.m. – ‘Hollywood & Vine’ is extra special this morning, as The D-Woman takes Michael Riedel’s place, thereby making the panel the ‘Ultimate Hosable Trio’.  However, it’s been Dagen’s experience that  “In a three-way, one person always gets left out.”   Which, obviously, would be Riedel.  A three way for him means he’ll be the one holding the camera.

    OUR IDEA OF A THREE-WAY

    8:06:32 a.m. – Andrew Napolitano, ‘The Funky Judge’ as Imus calls him, will be our guest at 8:30.  We’re not sure what the I-Man will ask him, but he’s going to ‘Peel back the layers of that onion.’   For those of you who have never seen Judge Napolitano, that might very well be an onion that will make you cry.  A lot.  Any resemblance between Judge Tony ‘N’ and Luca Brasi…are purely intentional.  He does have an interesting scar on his right hand…

    WHICH ONE’S THE JUDGE AND WHICH ONE’S THE THUG? 

    (THAT’S WHAT YA CALL A DISTINCTION WITHOUT A DIFFERENCE)

    8:12:24 a.m. – On the 20th Anniversary of the O.J. Bronco chase, we learn that the car is still ‘On the Lam’.  It was reportedly in Miami, outside an Adult Bookstore, but that turned out to be false.  The I-Man want to see the Car Fax on this baby.  We’re not sure why.  But we know the car had mostly Highway Miles.  We shudder to think why he would actually want to buy it.  We’re not saying, we’re just saying. 

    “JESUS!  WHO’S THE OLD BASTARD IN THE LEFT LANE WITH HIS FLASHERS ON GOING 12 MILES AN HOUR?  HEY, POPS!  WHY DON’T YOU LET THE HOT BLONDE DRIVE?  AT LEAST HALF WAY!  YOU AREN’T ONE OF THOSE DUDES WHO WON’T LET THEIR WIVES DRIVE, ARE YOU?”

    8:18:14 a.m. – A woman having sex with a dolphin has been the subject of some discussion this morning.  We can’t imagine how one has sex with a dolphin, however, from Dagen’s experience, it’s not all that bad.  The only problem is taking the fish out to dinner first.  FYI: Red Lobster is a Home Run. Go for the ‘All You Can Eat Sardine Special.’   Or Sushi.  Either way, you’re going to get lucky. 

    “I’VE BEEN REALLY TRYIN’ BABY…TRYIN’ TO HOLD BACK THESE FEELINGS FOR SO LONG…AND IF YOU FEEL LIKE I FEEL BABY, THEN COME ON, OH COME ON…LET’S GET IT ON…”

    8:31:14 a.m. – Sad news.  We find out, during the Bernie Briefing, that the Dolphin who was having sex with the woman…committed suicide.  We think he drowned himself.  Because hanging himself wouldn’t work because he breathes through the hole in the top of his head.

    “HELP ME!  MY FLIPPER’S CAN’T REACH THE TRIGGER…”

    8:41:14 a.m. – Judge Napolitano is on and discusses the O.J. Trial.   Apparently, he was guilty.  He mentions that he was tired of practicing law and decided he would go into TV instead.  He mentions a show he was on called “Power of Attorney” which was a reality show where famous Lawyers would try not so famous cases.  Kind of like People’s Court, except Marcia Clark and Chris Darden would prosecute the Jay Walker…who would, no doubt, get off.  Gee, we wonder why the show didn’t last. The Judge doesn’t have any nice things to say about the OJ Prosecutors…okay, he downright hates on them, saying that they were more concerned about being on TV than they were trying their case.  Obviously.  With these two Numbnuts, Jeffrey Dahmer would still be ‘Dining Out’.

    HEY JEFFREY…YOU GOT A LITTLE GOSPEL SINGER STUCK IN YOUR TEETH.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    The Most Anticipated Release of the Summer Movie Season:

    ‘Dumb & Dumber To’

    The Sequel to End All Sequels

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNhFPHmeaXs

     

    Friday
    Jun062014

    Vinnie From Queens Reboot

    (Although It’s Mostly Tony’s Rob Stayed Home With a Migraine. Finnochio.) 

    6:05:10 a.m. – Warner reports that the San Antonio Spurs won the first game of the NBA Finals. The big story was that Lebron James couldn’t finish the game because of the oppressive heat in the arena due to failing air conditioning. Um…doesn’t Lebron play for a team called the “Heat?” Jesus, Lebron you live in effing Miami. The devil stays inside his Miami condo in June because it’s too hot outside. The I-man can barely breathe this morning, and where is he? That’s right, sitting at his desk in his air conditioned studio ready to talk on the radio. You should be half the man Lebron. Jesus, what a P***Y. Speaking of p***ies, Rob is home inside his darkened air conditioned room with a headache. Hey pal I’ve got a case of carpal tunnel syndrome that makes me look like Bob Dole peeling an orange and where am I?  I’m here typing this very fine blog.

    “OKAY, YOU’RE RIGHT, IMUS IS MORE OF A MAN THAN ME.”

    6:13:14 a.m. – Bernie remarks that the President gave a great speech commemorating the 70th anniversary of The D-Day invasion. The I-Man notes that the President always gives a good speech. Somehow Bernie’s innocuous observation leads to the I-Man threatening to beat Bernie’s ass. We assume that it would have to be an ass whupping VIA satellite. We all know how frustrating those satellite ass whuppings are. The punches and the cursing take an extra second or two to get there making the fight look as awkward as Michael Jackson kissing Lisa Marie.  Perhaps the I-Man should just mail an oxygen tank to B so that he can self- flagellate. 

    “I HAVE AN ASS WHUPPING HERE FOR A MR. MCGUIRK, PLEASE SIGN HERE”

    6:40:46 a.m. During a break Bigfoot plays a clip of Hollywood & Vine. The I-Man observes the interesting three shot of the lovely Dagen McDowell, the fetching Imogen Lloyd Webber, and well….Riedel whose appearance between these two lovelies creates the same aesthetic as a Baby Ruth Candy Bar floating in your million dollar pool.

    IMOGEN REACTS TO THE PRESENCE OF RIEDEL

    6:43:11 a.m. – Lt. Colonel Bill Cowan is on to discuss Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl’s release. Let’s just say that the Lt. Colonel is not a fan of Bergdahl’s. We don’t know much about anything, but we do know that you definitely don’t want to be on the bad side of a guy who can kill you using only a cotton ball and a gum wrapper.  

    “ANYBODY GOT A STICK OF JUICYFRUIT?”

    7:07:35 a.m. - The I-Man checks in on Lori Rothman, who catches herself mid-sentence wishing the boss a Happy Friday Lori: “… um…never mind I know how you hate that phrase…so have an awful weekend.”  Oh snap. No she di-int. Imus responds to the dis by calling the diminutive Mrs. Rothman a munchkin. Munchkins, to some, are delicious donut holes sold by Dunkin Donuts. Others of you know munchkins as those bubble butt midgets from The Wizard of Oz. Which Munchkin is Lori you ask? Um… Let’s just say that we didn’t see any glaze, sprinkles, or powdered sugar on Mrs. Rothman.

    HAPPY FRIDAY, LORI!

    7:23:15 a.m. – Connell reports that 93- year old former First Lady Nancy Reagan went to her husband’s grave to pay her respects. There is video of the wheelchair bound 93-year old. Imus observes that she looks like Larry Flynt sitting there. Well not quite like Larry. If it were Larry he would’ve been there shooting a pictorial called “Ladies Who Love The Gipper” featuring “The Four Horsemen”. Not the famous Notre Dame backfield, but four men hung like Mr. Ed.

    LARRY FLYNT.  A CONTESTANT ON NEXT YEAR’S ‘DANCING WITH THE STARS’

    7:25:37 a.m. – Imus gives out today’s birthday shout outs. It’s Judge Napolitano’s birthday. Imus mentions that the judge, a huge fan of the program, wants to appear on the show. “That is not going to happen” in addition to some shots taken at the judge. The I-Man feels bad about bagging on the judge so he proceeds to beat his “I-Doll” as his penance. Imus says that he doesn’t know why he goes off “perhaps there’s some anger there”. Maybe we could get to the bottom of these “anger” issues if he would just use the doll to show us where the bad man touched him.

    THE I-MAN  WITH THE I-DOLL, WHICH IS A CROSS BETWEEN ‘CHUCKY’ AND ‘TED’

    7:37:26 a.m. – Vinnie From Queens features a new panelist. Dagen McDowell joins the fellas. Now we have two women. Well Gunz is not really a woman, but sometimes he likes to feel pretty. The segment is lacking its usual oooomph this morning. Clearly it’s Rob’s fault. Rob isn’t in Vinnie from Queens, but he gets fired along with everybody else. Considering the number of people on Vinnie From Queens they will probably have to revise this morning’s jobs report as the lay-off of the Vinnie panel will cause the nation’s unemployment rate to tick up.

    THE PANEL FROM THIS MORNING’S ‘VINNIE FROM QUEENS’

    8:06:14 a.m. – Ahead of the upcoming jobs report, Imus rehires Gunz, Dagen, Tony, Nat, and Lou. Warner is the sixth man”. Bernie, Bigfoot, and Connell will man their positions just in case. That’s good news as that the unemployment rate will probably remain unchanged. Rob, however, is still out.  He doesn’t know D**K about sports anyway.

    “HAVE YOU TALKED ABOUT SPORTS IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS?  HAVE YOU TRIED TO TALK ABOUT SPORTS?  GO TO WINDOW 7”

    8:09:29 a.m. – Warner reports that Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay only has to deal with a suspended license after his DWI conviction whereas, if it were a player, there would be fines and suspensions. The I-Man notes that the mustachioed Irsay looks like the worst kind of porn producer. He’s definitely no Larry Flynt, who is our kind of porn producer. The kind of guy that makes hot lesbian porn unlike the animal porn that Irsay would produce. Which means there would be actual Beavers.

    “OH YEAH, BABY...OH YEAH...YOU GIMME THAT PADDLETAIL”

    8:17:24 a.m. – The Boss reminds the audience that he will not be in next week as he is going to Abilene Texas to watch the Wyman make the rodeo his bitch. We enjoy the network’s highest ratings. There’s no reason to stop watching this fine program when it airs next week when Imus is in Texas screwing, effectively screwing him out of his well-deserved ratings. Just in case you are thinking about changing the channel we have three words: Money…For…Breakfast. Yeah that’s what we thought. See you next week.

    YOU REALLY WANT TO SPEND ALL NEXT WEEK WATCHING THIS?

    8:30:24 a.m. – Thanks to Imus’ rapid response in promptly recasting Vinnie from Queens,  Peter Barnes reports that the unemployment rate has indeed remained at 6.3%. The economist estimates were for 218 thousand jobs to be added this month. The actual number was 217 thousand jobs added. The I-Man had no success in getting Senator McCain to admit that he hated Harry Reid, but Peter Barnes folded like a cheap suit under the I-Man’s blistering cross examination beat down. Where are you going to find that kind of hard hitting journalism? Don’t even think about tuning out next week.

    OKAY, YOU’RE DONE NOW, PETER.  YOU LOCK YOURSELF BACK IN THAT ROOM

    8:39:03 a.m. –  Lynn Sherr is on to discuss her new book, Sally Ride: America’s First Woman In Space about …. Well….America’s first female astronaut Sally Ride. Not the most clever title, but it will most surely be a fascinating book. Mrs. Sherr mentioned that one of the things that the late Sally Ride, her longtime friend, shared with her was how hard it was to move in zero gravity. Ms. Ride should’ve watched Imus at a High Altitude.  It’s pretty much the same. There’s no air, and you move really slow.

    “JESUS...AT LEAST NOW I CAN FINALLY BREATHE!”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    It’s I-Fave Colin Quinn’s Birthday

    A Perfect Opportunity To Share His Genius

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBIEbR94yO8

    Thursday
    Jun052014

    What Makes America Great?

    6:05:10 a.m. –  “There’s nothing more exciting than Playoff Hockey.”  The I-Man begins the program with this pronouncement.  We are really starting to get worried.   Then he says one of the topics for The Mensa Meeting is the question “What Makes America Great?”  According to the Boss, it’s “Football, Calf Roping and Lesbian Porn.”  Of course, we assume that it’s HOT Lesbian Porn, like Megan Fox and Portia De Rossi in a pile and not the kind with two Flannel Shirt, Earth Shoe wearing Wildebeasts who look like Ed Asner and Wilfred Brimley trying to start a fire with their belly buttons.

     

    YES.  OH, YES.

     

    NO. HELL, NO.

    6:13:14 a.m. – Lori Rothman is back with us this morning, after a mysterious absence, and, in another indictment of the criminal justice system, Ashley Webster, her former kidnapper, once again, filled in.   Lori begins a long, tedious story in which she maintains that she was summoned the other day to her daughters’ school, because, apparently, they were deathly ill,  and so she took her children to the pediatrician, who discovered that they had fevers of 101.  Of course, Lori could’ve felt their foreheads and with one of those 6.95 Digital Thermometers from CVS, and come to the same conclusion, and saved herself about $319.01, but it can’t hurt to be overly careful, especially with a temperature as high as 101, which, by the way, most children can get just running around the playground.  “Your kids have to learn to suck it up.” , the sympathetic I-Man says.  This from a man who takes an ambulance to Teterboro and flies in his private jet to the Mayo Clinic to see the World’s Foremost Ophthalmologist to get an eyelash removed from his eye.

    HEY, KID.  STOP WHINING…THE I-MAN SAYS YOU’RE NOT THAT SICK.

    6:37:07 a.m. –  ‘The Bombastic Brit’, Stuart Varney, is on to school us all about how America SHOULD be.  Of course, he’s not a citizen and can’t vote, but…he sounds real smart when he says ‘Obama is a Socialist.’  He uses his tongue purtier than a two dollar whore.  He explains that his cell phone case, which features a picture of himself, was a Christmas Gift from his children, who took the photo when he was shopping at ‘Michaels’… an Arts n’ Crafts store.  We always had Stuart pegged as a Pipecleaner Junkie.

    STUART’S ADORABLE ‘PIPECLEANER PALS’  THEY’RE PENCIL TOPPERS. HE GIVES THEM AS GIFTS.  NOT BECAUSE HE BELIEVES THAT HOME MADE GIFTS ARE MUCH MORE PERSONAL, BUT…BECAUSE HE’S A CHEAP BASTARD.

    7:06:28 a.m. – The I-Man observes that those Big Ol’ Bags under Chuck Hagel’s eyes look better, and surmises that the Secretary of Defense must be using that Chamonix ‘Genucel’ stuff.  It’s the serum that reduces puffiness on your eyes.  We hope he’s not using any on his penis…that would be unfortunate, because, he probably doesn’t have much to work with in the first place.  

           

    HAGEL BEFORE                                HAGEL AFTER

    7:24:48 a.m  – A clip of Anderson Cooper is played, where he relates a story of telling a woman at a McDonald’s Drive Thru that it was his birthday.  “You can’t be telling anybody it’s your Birthday!” Imus complains.  Unless, of course, you need to remind people that you’re still alive.

    SHE WON’T TELL YOU, SO WE WILL.  LIS WIEHL’S BIRTHDAY IS AUGUST 19TH

    7:39:34 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting covers a myriad of topics:  ‘What Makes America Great?’  The Minimum Wage, and Maureen Dowd eating a whole Candy Bar laced with Weed and hallucinating for 8 hours.  Maybe that’s what happened with the I-Man.  Because he says that ‘Alan Colmes looks good.’

    ALAN COLMES.  LOOKING GOOD.  LOOKING SMART.

    7:43:32 a.m. – One of the topics is ‘Should Priests Get Married?’  Bernard, a Catholic, is offended.  Imus maintains it’s a good idea because it will keep them away from the little boys.  Deirdre says she knows some women who would be hot for Father Jonathan.  Lis Wiehl phones in and leaves a message:  “Hell yeah!”

    “BLESS US FATHER…FOR WE ARE ABOUT TO SIN…”

    8:06:32 a.m. – Deirdre Imus reports that she is working with hospitals on a project to instill a new Nutrition Strategy called ‘The Stoplight’, in which food is  labeled green, yellow and red, signifying, respectively, ‘Healthy’, ‘Be Cautious’ and ‘Avoid’.  We tend to run red lights a lot.  With this program, we’d get so many tickets, we’d lose our ‘License to Eat’.

    THE THREE FOOD GROUPS.  WE’LL PROCEED WITH CAUTION

    AROUND THE FLASHING YELLOW LIGHT

    8:16:14 a.m. –  Dagen tells Mr. & Mrs. Imus that she’s wearing a  Short Skirt.  Deirdre wants to see it, as there’s no monitor out at the Ranch allowing her to do so.   The I-Man attempts to exploit Mrs. Imus’ appreciation of Ms. McDowell’s gams in yet another cheap attempt for him to get his wife to take her shirt off.  Which, considering the kinds of décolletage she displays with the shirts she wears, is actually a moot point.

    THE REASON WHY MANY BOYS WANT TO RETURN TO THE RANCH.  YOU COULD HIRE A GUIDE AND RIDE A MULE DOWN THE VALLEY IN BETWEEN THOSE PUPPIES

    8:18:36 a.m. –  The I-Man is loving the ‘One Republic’ Record, ‘Love Runs Out’, that was put into the Imus ‘Power Rotation’ after Monday’s ‘Might Be Elvis’.  We love it too.  In fact, we loved it back when Adele sang it and it was called ‘Rumor Has It’.  We’re just thankful it’s not some goober in a cowboy hat and tight jeans singing about his effing truck.

    “ONE REPUBLIC”  OR, AS WE LIKE TO CALL THEM, “FIVE GUYS NAMED GUNZ”

    THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS, THESE DUDES WILL ACTUALLY GET LAID THIS MILLENNIUM

    8:38:14 a.m. – Leif Babin.  The Coolest Man in the Room.  Even if the room is a Walk in Freezer.  Former Navy Seal and soon to be New Dad of Jenna Lee’s child, who, although isn’t due until September, already weighs 37 pounds.  It’s all muscle.  The Baby is only staying in for the next three months for Jiu Jitsu and small weapons training.  He’s already mastered the Scuba.

    IN-VITRO SONOGRAM PHOTO OF BABY BABIN’S ‘BUD/S’ TRAINING.  BY THE TIME HE’S BORN HE WILL BE A MASTER AT UNDERWATER DEMOLITION

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    ‘What Makes America Great?’

    Football,

    The United Way

    &

    Peyton Manning


    http://www.hulu.com/#!watch/1603

    Wednesday
    Jun042014

    The I-Doll

    6:05:10 a.m. –  “I’m just wondering why, with everything we know about heroin, there’s an epidemic of heroin use in suburbia.”  We have the answer.  One word:  Marriage.

    WHY DO YOU THINK THEY’RE SO F^&%ING HAPPY?

    6:07:14 a.m. – The I-Man admits that he will actually watch the Stanley Cup Hockey Playoff Game tonight between the L.A. Kings and the New York Rangers.  Yeah.  It’s definitely the altitude.  Although it IS a Sporting Event, and it IS on Television, and it IS involving a New York Team.  Nevertheless, it’s HOCKEY.  But then again, this is the man who watched a bunch of dudes weigh fish.

    A NEW SPORT FOR THE I-MAN TO WATCH: ‘FISH HOCKEY’

    6:12:24 a.m –  Back in the Green Room, we see some footage from the Sean Hannity Show last night, in which, we discover, Sgt. Bergdahl was a transvestite. But that’s only because we have the sound down.  When we turn it up, we find that it’s actually his former ballet teacher, Sherry Horton.  Whew.  We actually thought it was the Sergeant in a Muu Muu and a blond wig.

    YES.  EXACTLY WHO IS SGT. BERGDAHL?

    6:35:08 a.m. –  Hannah Storm is the guest, BUT, sadly, not IN studio.  We be lovin’ us some Hannah Storm.  So we will have to make do with the Stock Photo of her they use.  Maybe we can get a message to her and ask her to speak slowly…and in low tones.  Perhaps read a couple of chapters from ’50 Shades of Grey’.   Y’know…fa laughs.

    HANNAH STORM. ALL THIS AND YOU CAN TALK SPORTS WITH HER.

    6:41:56 a.m. –  Hannah is on to promote her upcoming ESPN Special about Payne Stewart, the PGA star who died in a plane crash shortly after winning the U.S. Open in 1999.  It’s a tragically   sad story, which, somehow, when she told it, managed to make it sound ‘hot’.

    THE FACT THAT SHE WAS ABLE TO MAKE TALKING ABOUT THE DEATH OF A GUY WHO ACTUALLY DRESSED LIKE THIS AN EROTICALLY CHARGED EXPERIENCE…IS EVIDENCE OF THE  GENIUS THAT IS HANNAH STORM

    7:05:28 a.m. – Dagen teases her story about the Google Glass and the I-Man says that, if it weren’t for the radiation, he’d have a bunch of them, in different colored designer frames.

    A CHEAPER, SIMPLER, HOMEMADE VERSION OF THE ‘GOOGLE GLASS’

    7:39:34 a.m. – The I-Man has received an ‘I-Man’ doll from some crazed fan with far too much time on his hands.  The Boss decides that he will punish the doll whenever HE does something bad.  We start taking an Over/Under for how long the doll will last until the head comes off.

    THE IMUS DOLL.  IT EVEN SCARES THE S#!& OUT OF CHUCKY

    7:41:37 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde.  Deirdre is out at the Ranch, while her Great Aunt Lis is here in the studio, which, at least, protects her from physical abuse at the hands of Mrs. Imus, although she can still be verbally beaten like a Baby Seal.  One of the topics is Billy Graham’s son Franklin, stating that Homosexuals cannot get into Heaven.  What Junior doesn’t understand is many Homosexuals wouldn’t WANT to go to Heaven, Because, A- No self-respecting gay would be caught dead wearing white after Labor Day, and B- Harp music is ‘Tacky’.

    HOMOSEXUALS IN HEAVEN?  NAAAAAAAHHHHH.

    7:55:10 a.m. – Off air, Imus says to Deirdre that he hasn’t combed his hair since they’ve been at the Ranch.  Which is 5 days, although, the way it looks this morning, it could’ve been ever since they’ve been at the Ranch…which is 16 years.  We think he’s letting it go natural, working on a new look for himself, that mirrors the feeling one experiences when they know he’s approaching:  Dreads.

    ONE LOVE, I-MAN.  YOU LOOKIN’ REAL IRIE.

    8:12:14 a.m. – In discussing the Heroin Addiction Epidemic in the Suburbs, Dagen relates that the lead singer of GWAR died of a Heroin Overdose.  Not that he lived in the Suburbs, or that, as he was in GWAR that he could actually be referred to as a ‘singer’, but the takeaway here is…Dagen is a GWAR fan.

    GWAR.  YOU’D RATHER DIE OF A HEROIN OVERDOSE YOURSELF.

    8:38:14 a.m. – Senator John McCain is on to discuss suspected transvestite Sgt. Bergdahl.  Okay, so the Sarge’s not a transvestite, although we think his old ballet teacher might be…but that’s another story.  The I-Man is pretty rough with Senator McCain, hammering the War Hero to answer his question, in the tough, journalistic style that is the Imus school of Interviewing.  Of course, he’s dealing with a man who spent the better part of the late 60’s and Early 70’s locked in a bamboo tiger cage.  We don’t think he feels ‘Threatened’.

    “I’LL ANSWER YOUR STUPID QUESTION WHEN I’M GOOD AND GODD@#% READY, OKAY, COWBOY?”

    8:41:14 a.m. – The I-Man attempts to goad Senator McCain into admitting that he hates Harry Reid, chanting ‘Say it!  Say it!’ the way a John screams at a Hooker to have her say his name, but, again, the Senator remains unbroken.  He was tortured for 5 years.  He can handle the COPD Cowboy yelling like a mental patient.  But…he REALLY DOES hate Harry Reid.

    “NYAH NYAH NYAH!  NO, I DON’T HATE YOU, HARRY.  NOW, DIE, BITCH!”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    EDDIE IZZARD, WHO IS A TRANSVESTITE, AS WELL AS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqxfwpJdyb8