Friday
Mar142014

Jay Z Now Officially Has 100 Problems

6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man is actually irritated with the people who are venting their moral outrage over the new Beyonce’ Video for her song ‘Partition’.  We did not want to weigh in on the subject until we did the research on it, and so we fired up the video on You Tube…and we, too, are outraged.  The computer froze right when she was taking off her top.

WE DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ‘ART’, BUT WE KNOW WHAT WE LIKE. 

AND THIS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…IS A WORK OF ART

6:06:12 a.m. –   The I-Man promos Rob and Tony’s upcoming appearance at the Tarrytown Music Hall, and questions their honesty when they claim that there will be 80% new material that night.  Tony actually has over ¾ of an act full of new jokes.  Rob’s 80% will come from the fact that he hasn’t prepared ANYTHING.  So it’s going to be as new to him as it will be to the audience.   

 

EITHER WAY, IF YOU’VE NEVER SEEN THEM BEFORE, THEY HAVE 100% NEW MATERIAL

6:30:01 a.m. – Kosta Kennedy is on to promote his new book about Pete Rose.  It sounds like it’s a comprehensive treatise on the man who should be in the Hall of Fame.  One thing we don’t believe is covered in the book:  Why the hell a grown man would continue to wear his hair like that.

 

“WHY I OUGHTA…”

7:05:15 a.m. –  Speaking of Moe Howard, Imus asks Lori Rothman “Who was that ‘Daddy Warbucks’ looking Stooge you had, on?”  It’s some economist by the name of ‘Yawn’ or something like that.  Jan Randolph…who doesn’t look so much as Daddy Warbucks as he does Goldfinger.

“YOU AMUSE ME…BUT NOW IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO DIE.  GOODBYE, MR. BOND…”

7:12:15 a.m. –  Imus reveals that he heard that “While Elizabeth Vargas was in rehab, her husband was porking another woman.  That’s not good, is it?”  No, I-Man, it’s not ‘good’.  In fact, it’s more like something you’d call ‘An Icky Deal.’  The 24 Hour Party Girl is away spending her days in group therapy, while her old man’s banging her Facebook friend.

CLICK “LIKE” SHE NEEDS A FRIEND RIGHT ABOUT NOW

7:35:34 a.m. –   Vinnie from Queens.  A spirited debate about sports that ends with disdain for Nat Candido’s devotion to the New York Mets, by way of a list containing all the men Lindsay Lohan has slept with.  Which, we assume, from the sheer number of names, qualifies it as its own sport.

BANTAMWEIGHT, LINDSAY, “THE ANKLE BRACELET SKANK” LOHAN

8:05:10 a.m. – Baker, Mike Baker, is on to discuss ‘Where the plane went’.  Unfortunately, he was on his way to retrieve the hostage-held passengers when he got the call from the I-Man summoning him for an appearance.  Of course, Baker had to hustle back here to Fox to keep his cover as an International Businessman intact.  Thanks a lot, Imus. “Where’s the plane?  Where’s the plane?”  Well, Tattoo, we could’ve caught the Mother F%$#er if you hadn’t called Baker and told him to report to set.

HE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SHOOTING THE BAD GUYS…AND THEN THE PHONE RANG…

8:12:24 a.m. – “I wonder if Francesa is still waiting on that Porsche I promised him?”  The I-Man recalls a bet made with the Sports Talk Host Legend in which the I-Man lost…but yet Mike has yet to collect…probably due to some ‘fine print technicality’ Imus uncovered absolving him of paying up.  “He probably couldn’t fit in it now anyway” he justifies.  But if he had promised him a Panel Truck…the outcome would’ve been the same.

“OKAY…OKAY…WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND…THIS IS NOT THE TYPE OF PORSCHE  I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE…”

8:19:38 a.m. –  In the middle of reading a spot for the Chamonix Eye Cream deal, the I-Man mentions that if you order today, they’ll throw in a “Jug of that Esotique cream that Deirdre uses…girl is 49 and she got the skin of a 12 year old.”  Um...she DOES have amazing skin, Boss, but perhaps you might want to go with a more ‘Legal’ Age.  Especially as Larry Flynt is going to be a guest in a couple of minutes.

EVEN 12 YEAR OLD GIRLS DON’T HAVE SKIN THIS GOOD

8:40:14 a.m. – Larry Flynt is on to talk about the death penalty…and the execution of the guy who put him in the wheelchair…despite this fact, ol’ Larry’s not a supporter of the Death Penalty.  He’s quite the forgiving individual…and rather upbeat for a man who can’t get a lap dance at one of his own clubs without rolling off the stage.   We love Larry.  Not because he helped us get through puberty…and young adulthood, and pretty much every year of our lives up until…maybe this morning…but because he’s a fan of ours.  He actually tells the Boss that he thinks he’s too mean to us…clearly, not grasping the concept of a ‘bit’.  Of course, Rob, disloyal, pussy, scum sucking, phony worm that he is…does NOTHING to dispel Mr. Flynt’s assessment.  This invokes the Ire of a ‘fan’, who texts Imus.  What the ‘fan’ doesn’t seem to understand is that Larry is a ‘Purveyor of Fantasy’.  If he wants to think Imus is brutalizing us…maybe that’s one of the things that still gets him hot.  And who are we to judge? 

“YEAH…YEAH…THAT’S IT.  CALL HIM A FAT BASTARD, I-MAN…TELL HIM HE’S NOT FUNNY…I’M ALMOST THERE…”

9:05:10 A.M. – Warner and Gunz don’t know who is playing in the ‘Big East’ Tournament at the Garden today.  Let’s say that again…the two sports reporters for the biggest morning radio and television show in the country, have no idea who is playing a mere 17 floors below their stupid feet.  They have to walk past the Garden’s MARQUEE to get into the building every morning, and yet they are STILL clueless.  But if you need to know who won the 1922 NCAA tournament, (When there were only 3 basketball teams in the country…and ALL the players were white) then Warner’s your man.  Gunz can only tell who was in the movie ‘Space Jam’.

THE SUM TOTAL OF WARNER AND GUNZ’S BASKETBALL ACUMEN

 

VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

IN HONOR OF BOTH BEYONCE’ AND LARRY FLYNT:

HERE’S THE VIDEO THAT WAS BANNED IN 37 COUNTRIES…(WE JUST MADE THAT UP, BUT…YOU’LL SEE…IT’S WORTH IT)

PARTITION

(JAY Z NOW OFFICIALLY HAS ‘100’ PROBLEMS)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZ12_E5R3qc

Thursday
Mar132014

Wait a Second...Wait a Second...

6:05:10 a.m. – Mike Francesa’s WFAN Radio show is going to be simulcast on Fox Sports 1, AND Fox Sports 2.  Wait a second…wait a second…wait a second…where’s my Diet Coke?

          FOX SPORTS    1                      FOX SPORTS 2

6:06:12 a.m. –   Warner says he and his wife knew the Final Jeopardy Answer that stumped the reigning champion, Arthur Chu.  Gesundheit.  He says it’s from that movie ‘The Stutterer’.  Um…he means, ‘The King’s Speech’, which was about King George the 6th, not the 3rd, as Arthur Chu guessed. 

WHO IS…PORKY PIG?

6:18:01 a.m. – Walking in this morning, with his crack security team by his side, the I-Man hears someone call to him. “Don!  Hey Don!”  Turns out it was Neil Cavuto.  Thank God The Boss recognized him before he had the safety off the Glock.  Neil almost wound up looking like Spongebob.

SPONGE NEIL SQUARE CAVUTO

6:30:01 a.m. –  The I-Man is still obsessed with the way CNN is lit.  He says that Anderson Cooper looks like he’s Marlon Brando in the cave in ‘Apocalypse Now’.

“THE HORROR…THE HORROR…”

6:40:46 a.m. –  Scott Brenner, a former FAA Supervisor and an aviation expert is on to provide his learned analysis of the Malaysian Jet disappearance.  The I-Man asks the burning question:  “Is the Jet in the water?”  Brenner answers:  “Yes….but where?”  (Cue mystery music here.)  This guy’s a real font of information.  Where’s Rod Serling when you need him?

“IT WAS JUST A TYPICAL DAY FOR MALAYSIAN AIRLINES FLIGHT 370, NON-STOP FROM KUALA LAMPUR TO BEIJING…UNTIL THE PLANE…JUST DISAPPEARED.  ALL 227 PASSENGERS HAD A LAYOVER…DESTINATION: THE TWILIGHT ZONE…”

7:12:15 a.m. –  The I-Man wonders how they’re going to film Francesa on Fox.  Like an FBI Sting operation.   And with a wide angle lens…

“HIROSHI FROM FLUSHING…WADDYA GOT?”

7:17:34 a.m. –   Imus is frustrated with the lack of information provided by the News Media regarding the missing flight.  He gives Connell specific instructions:  “If you don’t know where it is…move on.”  Sounds like the same instructions Deirdre gave the I-Man on their wedding night. 

“OKAY, NOW IT’S MY TURN…HAND ME THAT PAIR OF TWEEZERS…”

7:19:38 a.m. –   Dagen reports that the folks who made up the game ‘Candy Crush’ are going public.  Imus reveals that he doesn’t know how to play ‘Candy Crush’.  Really?  The kid with the banjo on the bridge in ‘Deliverance’ is on level 120.  The Boss also admits that he doesn’t know how to play checkers either. That’s ok.  The people at the home will teach him.

“DID YOU JUST JUMP ME?  THAT’S THE FIRST TIME I BEEN ‘JUMPED’ IN 40 YEARS”

7:38:46 a.m. –  The Mensa Meeting.  Gunz has dressed in a manner that would suggest he was coming straight from a chain gang.  We’re not sure where he got this outfit…obviously something from McDonald’s ‘Hamburglar’ collection

 

7:46:34 a.m. – The panel discusses Hilary being ‘Too Old’ on Election Day.  Alan claims she’s not…because he’s a Left Wing, Blue State, Commie Liberal.  Deirdre agrees…because she’s a Right Wing, Red State, Wackjob Conservative…who happens to be MARRIED to an old woman. 

HILARY CLINTON (L)

8:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man complains that he has ‘Something in his throat’.  And it’s not, as is usually the case, his foot.  Nor is it Bernie’s Bald Headed Brief Baloney.  Joseph Abboud calls and asks whether the frog In the Boss’ throat used to be a ‘Prince’.  Because if that’s the case, Joe knows EXACTLY what to do.  (Hint:  It involves a Donna Summer record and assless leather chaps)

ABBOUD’S OPENING LINE:  “MY PAD?  OR YOURS?  AND, BY THE WAY, I’M NOT AFRAID OF WARTS.  I ALREADY HAVE A WHOLE LOT OF THEM, BUT THANKS TO VALTREX, THEY’RE UNDER CONTROL”

8:12:24 a.m. –  Imus weighs in on the rather uncomfortably contentiousChelsea Handler/Piers Morgan interview.  His observation, “Bottom line…she’s funny.”   Which is good enough for us.  Until Dagen adds “…and bang-able”.   Hmmmmm.  THAT would be the bottom line for us.   Move your chair, Piers…we’re going to be using this desk.

CHELSEA HAS CHUY TAKE CARE OF ALL THE ‘HARD TO REACH PLACES’

8:40:14 a.m. – Jeff Greenfield is on to talk about his trip to Vietnam.  Not back when he was supposed to have gone, back in the 60’s where Charlie would be firing tracer bullets over his head while he hid in a rice paddy.  The interview gives us a pretty good idea of what John McCain went through when he spent years being tortured by the Cong.  Or at the very least, what it was like when Robert DeNiro and Christopher Walken played Russian Roulette in the Deer Hunter.

“I SWEAR TO GOD…IF THIS GUY DOESN’T SHUT UP ABOUT DANCING WITH THE VIETNAMESE, I’M GOING TO PULL THE TRIGGER!”

9:05:10 A.M. – Warner’s team, from his Alma Mater ‘American University’, has made it to the   NCAA playoff championships.  Warner is a long time fan…ever since he graduated, back when it was still called ’13 Colonies College’.

WARNER’S HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR CLASS PICTURE

9:05:10 A.M. – The I-Man plays his submission for the ‘It Might Be Elvis’ segment, Brandy Clark’s ‘Hungover’…from her debut ’12 Stories’ album.  It’s a great record…off an album that was Number 2 on Billboard’s Top Heatseakers chart, number 23 on the Country Chart, and on a bunch of the staff’s ‘Five Favorite Songs’ list.  The album includes her hits ‘Stripes’, ‘Get High’, and ‘What Will Keep Me Out of Heaven Will Take Me There Tonight.’  We’re a little confused…didn’t the Boss say that songs that were on albums that were hits were ineligible?    Maybe it’s just that he forgot that he said that.  Now we’re worried about the fact that we’ve written this all down in this blog.  Then again, we’re pretty sure he’s forgotten that we write this blog by now. 

ARRESTED FOR ‘RECORDING WHILE HUNGOVER’

VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

SOME OF THE ELECTRIFYING RADIO THAT FOX SPORTS 1 WILL BE SIMULCASTING

MIKE FRANCESA…WHO MAY HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO JEFF GREENFIELD’S STORY ABOUT VIETNAM

  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAONQyJWC-8 

 

 

Wednesday
Mar122014

The I-Man Searches for Answers About the Plane Deal

6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man is not in a good mood this morning.  This is unusual for him.  But maybe it’s because the burning question on his mind this morning is ‘Where is the plane?’  Here’s a better question…why wasn’t he on it?

IF ONLY THERE WERE 228 PASSENGERS

6:17:12 a.m. –   Imus wonders aloud how much it must costs taxpayers for the President to come to New York just for a shopping spree.  “Air Force One can’t cost more than Net Jets.”  We suppose that’s right…but the upside is…those planes never go missing.  Or maybe that’s the downside.  This morning, it’s pretty much a jump ball.

  “THE GOOD NEWS, IMUS BROUGHT THE PLANE BACK ON TIME…THE BAD NEWS…WE ONLY HAVE 20 MINUTES TO DRY THAT SEAT BEFORE THE NEXT CLIENT’S FLIGHT”

6:25:01 a.m. –  The I-Man went to see Genius Throat Specialist, Dr. Peak Woo, yesterday, and extolls ‘Peak-aboo’s virtues as the BEST Throat Surgeon on the Planet.  Then he mentions the guy that Warner sent him to was the reason why he had to go to Dr. Woo in the first place.  “Don’t go to anybody Warner sends you to.”  Like his tailor, for instance, who can’t make trousers with an inseam longer than 22 inches.    Or the Escort Service he recommended back in the 70’s…that only featured Munchkin Hookers.  Conversely, don’t listen to any songs that Dr. Woo recommends for ‘Might Be Elvis’.  They’re all instrumentals.

“REALLY, DUDE, YOU GOTTA CHECK OUT MY FRIEND’S CD…EVEN THOUGH HE CAN’T SING BECAUSE I MISTAKENLY TREATED HIS LARYNGITIS WITH SULPHURIC ACID”

6:40:46 a.m. – Bo Dietl is the guest.  He doesn’t know where the plane is either.  But he knows where Oscar Pastorius is going.  Hell.  By way of a South African Prison. 

PASTORIUS BEGS FOR FORGIVENESS.  UNFORTUNATELY, HE DOESN’T HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON.

6:55:15 a.m. –  Lori Rothman, discussing the new Sheryl Sandberg’s new ‘Ban Bossy’ campaign says she LOVES being bossy and her husband is completely cool with that.  Hmmmm.  A Gnome Dominatrix.  That’s not too weird, is it?

LORI, (CENTER IN BLONDE WIG) INFORMS US THAT, APPARENTLY, IT’S A PRETTY POPULAR FETISH

7:12:15 a.m. –  The I-Man relates a scintillating ‘Duane Allman’ story…in which his guitar solo at the end of Wilson Pickett’s cover of the Beatles’ ‘Hey Jude’ was so fierce, the producer played it over the phone to Jerry Wexler, who bought Duane’s contract and moved him over to Atlantic.  Warner yawns during the story.  The rest of us were too, but we had the good sense to keep our mikes off. 

EVEN DUANE FELL ASLEEP DURING THAT STORY

7:17:34 a.m. –   Imus questions Megan Kelly’s dress choice.  It’s a stylish, black, asymmetrical frock.  Or, as fashion designers call it “H.O.T. Smokin’”  It MUST be sexy if a fashion designer thinks something on a woman is hot.  Joseph Abboud notwithstanding.

MEGAN PLAYING CHARADES AT THE FOX CHRISTMAS PARTY…IN THE FAMOUS DRESS…THE DROOL ON THE SHOULDER IS FROM BRIT HUME

7:26:34 a.m. –  The I-Man has Lou play the end of Wilson Pickett’s ‘Hey Jude’…and gets irritated, (The theme of today’s show!) because he can’t hear Duane Allman’s guitar part, because Wilson keeps screaming.  Well..it’s a WILSON PICKETT record, Imus.  Nobody wants to play lead Guitar behind Wilson…

“YOU WANT…WHAT???  HAVE THEM BRING YOU UP IN THE MIX? ALLMAN, PLEASE! OH…YEAH…THAT’S GONNA HAPPEN.  DAMN, YOU’RE ONE CRAZY WHITE BOY, DUANE.”

7:40:34 a.m. –  Alan Paul, the Allman Brothers Biographer, is the guest.  A fascinating guy, who has a lot to say, probably because it’s one of the few times he’s been able to get out of his Mom’s basement and talk to adults.  He talks about his relationship with the Allman Brothers.  They have somebody with whom they feel safe sharing their stories, and he gets to avail himself of their septuagenarian groupies.  (You know, because he’s got that Mom fetish from living in the basement all those years)

ALAN WRITING THE FIRST DRAFT OF HIS BOOK ON HIS TRS-80 WITH THE DOT MATRIX PRINTER.  WOW. HE HAS BEEN WITH THE ALLMANS FOR A LONG TIME.

8:05:10 a.m. –  Imus talks about how poor the CNN Broadcasts are… “I can’t watch anything that’s not in High Def.”   Makes sense.  He spent most of his life High and he’s totally Deaf.

TRUST US…YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE THIS IN HIGH DEFINITION

8:16:32 a.m. –  “Joel Osteen must have Jesus rolling over in his grave.”  The I-Man is, obviously, employing hyperbole…because, as every God-Fearing Christian knows, Jesus isn’t IN the grave.  He split the cave 3 days after the unpleasantness up on Calvary Hill, and never went back.  Then again, Imus was the same guy who said it ‘Depended on where they lived’ when asked if, in a Plane Crash on the U.S. / Canada border, where the survivors would be buried…we’ll give it a couple months, and then we will book The Boss a flight on Malaysian Airlines.

JOEL OSTEEN AND HIS BEARD…UM…WE MEAN WIFE. 

8:36:14 a.m. – “BLONDE on BLONDE”, or, as we like to call it, ‘Wednesday’s with Morrie’s Grandmother.’  The ladies discuss whether or not, they would, as Martha Stewart suggests, take a bath before and after a Nookie Session.   We know Deirdre certainly does…AFTER.  With Lye and ‘Greening the Cleaning’ Disinfectant.  Lis, on the other hand, doesn’t remember…it’s been that long.  But when she still did, she opted out of the pre-and post bathing, but only because it was too far a walk to the well.

DEIRDRE’S ‘AFTERGLOW’ CLEANING CREW STANDS BY FOR THE ‘POST POKE’ DISINFECTING.  THEY WON’T BE WAITING LONG.

8:40:14 a.m. – Lis started to get on Deirdre’s case about the chemicals the I-Woman uses on her hair…Deirdre counters with the information that there is ‘No ammonia’ in her coloring…which, unfortunately, is not a claim the I-Man can make about his coffee.

THE DIAGRAM WE USE TO MAKE SURE THE BOSS DOESN’T SMELL THE ASPARAGUS

9:05:10 A.M. – The I-Man is going to devote his day to finding information about the ‘Plane Deal’.  Perhaps he’ll go scuba diving in the Pacific…he’s already got the oxygen tanks.

AT LEAST NOW WHEN HE PEES IN HIS PANTS…NOBODY WILL NOTICE.

VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

THE ALLMAN BROTHERS LIVE AT THE BEACON THEATER, 2003

YOU’RE WELCOME.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IrAIlAN9z0

Tuesday
Mar112014

Rob vs. Gunz

6:05:10 a.m. – The day doesn’t begin well…for Bigfoot, that is.  The I-Man watched the daily ‘TIVO’ of yesterday’s program, has come to the conclusion that ‘It Might Be Elvis’ is fabulous, but the lackluster effort on the part of the TV side of the program leaves…EVERYTHING to be desired.  Imus contends that if Fox isn’t going to try, he’s not going to try either.  Bigfoot protests, claiming that he had a video package to go along with Dagen’s choice of Sturgill Simpson…and when the Boss asks why he didn’t show it while the song was playing, Bigfoot claims that it ‘Wouldn’t sync up.’  He then shows the ‘Video Package’.  Three still photos of this goober…repeated over and over like some carousel slide show for some Kiwanis Club presentation.  They were STILLS.  Not like they were trying to get him to lip synch.

THERE ARE 1700 PICTURES OF STURGILL ON THE INTERNET.  THESE ARE THE THREE PHOTOS THEY WENT WITH

6:06:12 a.m. –   This morning, we look forward to another exciting edition of ‘Hollywood & Vine’, and both Dagen and Imogen are wearing blue.    “Putting Reidel between those two is a waste”, the I-Man observes.  Which, we assume, means that he believes it will look like a $#!+ sandwich on Artisan Bread.

AT THE CARNEGIE DELI, THEY CALL THIS SANDWICH ‘THE RIEDEL’

6:13:01 a.m. – The Boss observes that “There’s something funny going on with the disappearance of that Malaysian Jumbo Jet.”  Wow.  What an insight.  You’re a regular Sherlock Home Boy, aren’t you?  You got your finger right on the pulse…you’re all over this one…next thing you know you’ll maintain that O.J. is probably ‘guilty’. 

HE ALSO THINKS THAT THE SITUATION IN CHECHNYA IS… ‘BAD’

6:28:46 a.m. – We learn that Trevor, one of the panelists for the new ‘Might Be Elvis’ segment won’t be available for the next installment.  We need a fill in?  Who could we possibly get?  Who has the musical acumen and gravitas to make this segment, excuse the pun, ‘hum’.   Wait a minute!  We know, he’s right here!  R…R…Gunz.  GUNZ?   @#$%ING GUNZ?  That mouthbreathing dweeb’s already got TWO segments!  Why not just put him on ‘Blonde on Blonde’?  Okay, he’s not a woman…but just a touch more highlight in that trainwreck of a hairdo he’s got and he’s good to go.  And, quite frankly, until we see a chromosome test, we’re not so sure about the former statement

GUNZ: JUST A BOTTLE OF PEROXIDE, AND HE’S GOOD TO GO

6:30:46 a.m. – The Great Oak Ridge Boys are here and start off the morning with ‘American Made’ one of their huge hits.  They are only going to do hits this morning, and they are all on their new LIVE album ‘Boys Night Out’.  There’s 14 of them.  We hope they do a lot so we won’t have to listen to You Know Who talk about the effing Rodeo again.

DUANE, WILLIAM LEE, JOE AND RICHARD.  THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN.

6:40:46 a.m. – Paul Begala, or as we affectionately refer to him, ‘Lightbulb Head’ is the guest.  He and Imus have a competition to see who is the better friend of Lyle Lovett’s.  “I have his email address.”  “Well I have his email address.”  “I’ve been to see him backstage.” “So what?  I’ve been to his house.”  “Well, I’ve had sex with him.”  “Um…you win, I-Man.”

IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL. HE’S NICE TO EVERYBODY. AND, EVEN LIKE THIS, HIS HAIR IS STILL BETTER THAN GUNZ.

7:03:15 a.m. –  Dr. Bill offers to fill in for the missing Trevor for the ‘I Hope It’s Elvis’ spot.  First of all, you moron, it’s ‘It Might Be Elvis’.  And second of all, we already know you’d pick ‘It’s Raining Men’.  For many reasons.  And it’s already been a hit.

WHAT ARE THE OTHER SONGS ON YOUR LIST?  BESIDES ‘SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW’? AND, WHILE WE’RE AT IT,  WHO’S HANDS ARE ON YOUR SHOULDER, AND WHAT IS HE DOING THERE, BEHIND YOU?

7:12:15 a.m. –  Dagen reports on record viewership for the True Detective finale.  Imus calls viewers of shows like this and Breaking Bad and Walking Dead…losers.  Instead he watched the SEC Track n’ Field Championships.  We could understand if it was 1960, before the invention of the remote control, but…we have to say.  For somebody who says he can’t breathe, it sounds like you’re doing pretty well out of your mouth.

“WHERE’S MATLOCK?”

7:17:34 a.m. –   Warner reports on Barry Bonds coaching skills:  “Let me show you guys how I did it….bend over.”    We are shocked.  Then we realize that Warner means Barry was referring to gluteal muscle steroid injections.  Whew.  For a minute there, we thought…oh, you don’t know what we thought. 

“OOOH!  IS THAT A HYPODERMIC NEEDLE, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?”

7:43:34 a.m. –  “Hollywood & Vine”, or as we like to call it, ‘A Coupla White Chicks Sitting Around Trying to Get a Word In Edgewise While Michael Riedel Talks About Himself.’  It gets ugly when the topic of Lena Dunham comes up.  Dagen is not a fan.  Imogen defends Dunham, quoting statistics on women’s eating disorders in America.  Unfortunately Lena doesn’t have one of those disorders.  She’s eating Dis Order, and Dat Order.  (Thanks Michael)

BUT SHE’S GOT A GREAT PERSONALITY

8:05:10 a.m. – Riedel asks if he can stick around as he’s a big fan of the band.  “They’re one of my favorite singing groups, The Everly Brothers.”   Uhhhhh huh.  Really, Riedel?  You want to hear the Everly Brothers?  Buy a shovel.

“WAKE UP…LITTLE MIKEY…WAKE UP…”

8:12:24 a.m. – The I-Man makes a bold statement.  “If you don’t live in New York or Texas…move.”  He’s referring to the fact that places like Santa Fe and Austin are unlivable, because too many people from other cities move there and ruin them.  So…exploring this argument…if everybody who didn’t live in Texas or New York moved…where would they move TO?  Texas or New York?  And, by the way, last time we looked, Austin WAS in Texas.  That would make it a little difficult to follow your rules I-Man.  I think everybody should move to Central Park West.  Right downstairs.  In your lobby.

GREENWICH CONNECTICUT…OR BUST.

8:40:14 a.m. – The Oak Ridge Boys treat us to two more songs ‘Reach Out and Touch a Hand’, (Make A Friend If You Can) and ‘Elvira’.   They also do a little A cappella version of ‘Nobody Wants To Play Rhythm Guitar Behind Jesus’, which the I-Man played back in 1975, effectively giving the Oak Ridge Boys their first real on air exposure.  So he’s responsible for their being here this morning.  Thank you, I-Man.  If it wasn’t for you, we would’ve been playing the ‘B’ Side to that number:  “Nobody Wants To Play Ocarina Behind Moses.”

THE OAK RIDGE BOYS WERE RIGHT.  NOBODY IS PLAYING RHYTHM GUITAR BEHIND JESUS…WE THINK BECAUSE HIS SOLOS ALWAYS WENT WAY TOO LONG

9:05:10 A.M. – Update on Rob’s potential appearance on ‘Might Be Elvis’ this Monday.  He and Gunz are to BOTH pick a song and submit them to the I-Man by 5 PM tomorrow.  Then Imus will make a determination based upon their musical selection.  Rob thinks he’s a lock.  He’s found a song he knows the I-Man has never heard before.  Mainly because it’s not Delbert, Lyle Lovett, Billy Joe Shaver or Hayes Carll.  It’s this band called ‘Van Halen’.  They were really big in the 80’s so it’s pretty sure the Boss won’t remember them.  Most of that decade is VERY blurry.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUMP

 

VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

THE REASON WHY DR. BILL WON’T EVER  BE ON ‘IT MIGHT BE ELVIS’:

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY…IT’S GONNA START RAINING MEN.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taVMcphy_xc 

 

Monday
Mar102014

Might Be Elvis

6:05:10 a.m. – Imus reveals that, on the flight back from Texas yesterday, Wyatt and Deirdre decided to discuss the missing Malaysian Air Jet.  The Boss is a White Knuckle Flier in the best of circumstances; this would have to be on the top of his “List of Things Not To Talk About”, above “Discussing Running Shoes With Stephen Hawking”, “Debating Movies With Jose Feliciano” and “Anything With Marlee Maitlin”.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN, FASTEN MY F$%^ING SEATBELT?”

6:16:12 a.m. –   Warner reports on the improbable Los Angeles Laker upset of the Oklahoma City Thunder.  Little known Laker player, Jody Meeks, played the game of his life, prompting the Wolfman to say “Jody Meeks…who will inherit the Earth…”  You see what he did there?  The Biblical reference?  What’s next?  “Yoakim Noah SCORES TWO MORE!”

NOAH PLAYING A GAME OF ‘TWO ON TWO’

6:40:46 a.m. – Juan Williams is on…and we don’t know what he’s supposed to be talking about, but we know what we want to be talking about with him:  How the Hell KAREN CARPENTER got on his Musical Mt. Rushmore.  The good thing with Karen Carpenter is…she doesn’t take up much room…you could fit Mama Cass up there beside her.  And you know, as they say, if Mama had only given Karen her ham sandwich, they’d both be alive today. 

“THANKS, MAMA!”

6:58:06 a.m. –  Warner takes a page out of Larry King’s ‘Droppin’ In’ says that he “Went to see a Play.”  It was an Off Broadway production, and then begins  goes on about this show, “London Wall” and how great he thought it was, how it was a British play that hasn’t been produced since 1930, and how he prefers Off Broadway to Broadway, and has NO idea that Imus stopped listening right after he said “I went to see a Play.”

“LONDON WALL” AT THE MINT THEATER.  NOT SOMETHING WE CAN IMAGINE THE I-MAN WANTING TO SEE…AS THERE’S NO COWBOYS IN IT.  (AND IT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE ANY OF THE BABES TAKE OFF THEIR TOPS)

7:03:06 a.m. –  Dr. Bill Evans offers to be the ‘Classical Music’ panelist for the new ‘It Might Be Elvis’ segment.  He doesn’t seem to understand that there’s a “New This Week” section on iTunes for Classical.  Hey, numbnuts.  Mozart’s latest album dropped  in 1790. “Straight Outta Vienna”, featuring the hit single “F^&% the Polizei”   

THE NOTORIUS M.O.Z.A.R.T.  HIS NEW ALBUM, ‘AMADEUS/YOU-ADEAUS’ DROPS NEXT TUESDAY

7:07:14 a.m. –  The I-Man is having trouble getting the phones installed at his Ranch in Brenham Texas…apparently, they can only bring the line in to one of the Oak Trees on the property, which means he has to go out to backyard and climb up onto a branch to make his prank calls.

“UM…HELLO?  McDONALD’S?  THIS IS SERGEANT KIRKLAND FROM THE AIR NATIONAL GUARD, WE’D LIKE TO ORDER 1200 HAMBURGERS TO GO…”

7:12:34 a.m. –   Dagen ‘Pimp Slaps’ Lori Rothman over their ‘Women Investors Rule!’ story.  Ever since Lori joined the program to replace Diane Macedo, she’s had to keep her Pimp Hand strong.

THE PENGUIN DIDN’T WANT TO DO IT, BUT SHE JUST HAD TO PIMP SLAP THE BITCH BEHIND HER FOR ‘FRONTIN’ LIKE SHE WAS A PUFFIN

7:38:34 a.m. –  The New ‘It Might Be Elvis’ segment debuts, and goes rather well…in that, Imus didn’t throw anybody off the panel, including Rob, who is on as an honorary judge, along with the I-Man.  Bigfoot, however, is not a fan.  He thinks it’s watching a lot of people sitting around listening to music does not make for good T.V.  So starting next Monday, Imus is going to make Rob dance to the songs.

IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU BETTER PUT A RING ON IT

8:05:10 a.m. –  Connell reports on the Oscar Pastorius murder trial, and details how ‘Crazy Legs’ was ‘Retching and Vomiting’ during the testimony of the coroner’s autopsy report.  WE all know how much Imus loves to hear stories about puking.   Now he knows how we feel when he goes on about the effing rodeo.

OSCAR PASTORIUS LOSES HIS BREAKFAST (ARTIST’S RENDITION)

8:12:24 a.m. – Warner is confused about which University of Houston team played against Lou Alcindor’s, (Kareem Abdul Jabbar) undefeated U.C.L.A. team in the Astrodome in 1968, arguably one of the most anticipated and watched college basketball games in history.  Warner, mistakenly, thought it was Hakeem Olajuwon…who was 5 years old when the game took place.  Albeit a 6 foot 8 inch 5 year old, but a 5 year old nonetheless.

HAKEEM OLAJUWON:  5 YEAR OLD HOOPS PRODIGY

8:26:14 a.m. – The I-Man is tired…he thinks it may have something to do with setting the clocks ahead an hour.  Warner reveals that that this practice doesn’t affect  him at all.  That’s probably because Warner uses a Sundial.

WARNER SETS HIS CLOCKS AHEAD…WHICH, FOR HIM, IS PRETTY OPTIMISTIC

8:40:14 a.m. –  Seth Davis is on to talk about the biography he wrote called Wooden, which, much to our dismay, is not about Pinnochio.   We then think it refers to his interview…but then we find out it’s about the legendary U.C.L.A. Basketball Coach during the 60’s and 70’s.

“SETH DAVIS’ NEW BOOK IS REALLLLY INTERESTING…”

9:15:10 A.M. –  The I-Man winds down, exhausted after another great show, with a triumphant debut of the ‘It Might Be Elvis’ segment.  He’s ready to go home for a nap…unfortunately, we think Brant may have neglected to set his clock ahead…

UM…BRANT’S GOING TO BE A LITTLE LATE

 

VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

OLIVER WENDELL DOUGLAS IS HAVING THE SAME PHONE DIFFICULTIES THAT THE I-MAN IS HAVING

 

THE I-MAN AND DEIRDRE CALL FROM BRENHAM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rU4u9WgVJNI