6:05:06 a.m. – The I-Man begins the program with the amazing news that Hampton beat Manhattan in the ‘Play In’ game of the NCAA finals. Hampton Coach, Edward Joyner, says that he has Jesus on Speed Dial to ask for help with their next game against number one seed, Kentucky. What Joyner doesn’t know is that Jesus has Kentucky on his bracket and he’s picked them to go all the way. So Coach can leave all the voicemails he wants, it ain’t gonna happen.
6:09:18 a.m. – Dagen reports that the Market was down due to fears that Treasury Secretary, Janet Yellen, is going to raise interest rates. The I-Man asks Ashley that he said Yellen would NOT raise interest rates, and Dagen replies “That’s because he pulled that one out of his butt.” Imus says “We can do without you suggesting what’s coming out of his butt.” Even though we have it on good authority that it’s a string of beads.
FINALLY, WE NOW KNOW WHY HE’S GOT THAT GOOFY SMILE ON HIS FACE
6:12:24 a.m. – Bernard mentions that he will have info during the briefing about Bruce Jenner’s ‘Reassignment Surgery’…otherwise known as a sex change. The I-Man wonders if Chas Bono, who is currently in the market for a penis could use Bruce’s for his ‘Addadicktomy’. Even if he could, would you really want one that’s been inside KRIS Jenner? That would have to be on the ‘damaged rack’ at the Penis Emporium, ‘Your One Stop Shop Fall All Your Penis Needs.’ Where Chas is currently a ‘member’. (See what we did there?) What Imus doesn’t know is that the Male Junk is not removed, rather a VaJayJay is fashioned out of it, it’s fileted, flipped inside out and tucked ‘Inside’. He’s shocked to know that Bernie, Tony and Dagen are familiar with the concept of the procedure and Ashley says he thinks Dagen’s only familiar is because she’s “Had the Operation”.
ONE OF THESE PEOPLE USED TO HAVE A PENIS
6:21:42 a.m. – The I-Man admits, publicly, and on the air, that he has “…the attention span of a hummingbird.” We’re not so sure it’s even that long. A hummingbird can stay at a single flower bloom until all the nectar is sucked out of it. The Boss can’t even finish an entire cup of coffee because he gets distracted by shiny objects and it gets cold.
6:40:14 a.m. – The Snappy and Smart Martha MacCallum is on, talks about sending American Troops in the Middle East to fight ISIS. She is in support of ‘Boots on the Ground’. We are in support of her boots on the ground. Preferably, thigh highs. And a real short skirt. Unlike these ISIS animals, THAT’S something worth fighting for.
MARTHA MACCALLUM: HOT, SMAHT, AND A DEAD SHOT
7:05:10 a.m. – Imus reports that his Texas Contractor, Tommy Morrison is going on a hunting trip in Argentina, something he heard Deirdre talking to Tommy on the phone about. He’s not going for the Big Game, such as the Wild Boar, the Leopard or the Bear. He’s bringing his elephant gun to bag the Wily and Dangerous…Pigeon. You don’t think they’re worthy of hunting? Park your car underneath a flock of them. Believe us, you’ll want to shoot every last one of those Flying Little F@@@ers. Not only the pigeon, the I-Man comes to find out, but also one or more of the 12 varieties of PARAKEETS indigenous to the country. He’s going to fly 5,111 miles to shoot parakeets? Go to some old lady’s apartment when she’s not looking, and pop one in the middle of it ringing the little bell in its’ cage. Pigeons? Why not go on any roof in Brooklyn? Although it’s not much of a sport, as they’re caged up in coops. An easy shot. Unless it happens to be Mike Tyson’s coop. In which case, there will be a considerable pursuit involved. As in his chasing you down the street to kick your ass. THAT’S when a pigeon is dangerous.
IF YOU’RE GOING FOR PIGEON, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT AMMUNITION. BECAUSE YOU’LL NEED AT LEAST THREE OF THESE TO PUT DOWN TYSON
7:16:46 a.m. – Somebody sent an anonymous email to the Secret Service about the two agents who were accused of a ‘Bomb’ incident. Well, actually ‘Bombed’…hit a barrier in front of the White House because they were s#!t-faced. In a hearing with the Director of the Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, when asked how it was determined that the two agents were intoxicated, Clancy replied they received an anonymous email from someone a few days after the incident. ANONYMOUS EMAIL? You can Anonymously Email the SECRET SERVICE? We thought that email address of the Secret Service was a SECRET! Imus is incredulous that the Head of the Secret Service doesn’t know what the hell is going on with his agents. Which is the same problem every actor who has signed with William Morris complains about.
DIRECTOR CLANCY…HE KNOWS WHAT’S GOING ON AT ALL TIMES…
7:19:44 a.m. – During Dagen’s Business hit she reports that Kraft has recalled 6.5 Million boxes of their Macaroni and Cheese as, apparently, there is a possibility that there might be metal fragments inside. But if you’re willing to actually eat Macaroni and Cheese, metal fragments are probably the only nutritious thing in it. At least you’ll get your iron. One of the things Kraft Macaroni and Cheese DOESN’T have any of, however, is….CHEESE. On the Ingredients List, it says ‘Macaroni, Yellow Powdered Stuff, and…Don’t Worry About It, Just Eat It And Mind Your F@#king Business.
7:35:18 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE, or, as we like to call it, IF YOU DON’T MAKE IT STOP I WILL JUMP OFF THIS BUILDING. The ladies discuss Bibi Netanyahu’s re-election Hilary’s Emails, but let’s not dilly dally with these topics…the subject of Coca Cola trying to market itself in a ‘healthy way’, leads to Deirdre calling Lis, “You’re just a whore for the company.” Um…WHAAAAATTT? Did she just say what we think she just said? Lis is a Coke Whore? We were under the impression she was Pepsi all the way. Wow. You think you know a person…
AT LEAST IT’S ‘DIET’ COKE
7:55:11 a.m. – Dr. Bill Evans, Imus in the Morning’s Official Meterloga…Milgeoroge…Medeemoronol…Weather Man, does his James Carville Impression. It’s actually not bad. Not Rob or Tony quality, but certainly way better than Jeff McKay, the Traffic Dude’s Paul Begala. (The ‘McKay Way’ makes Begala too sibilant) The only problem with Dr. Bill is…once he gets into his Carville…he won’t stop. Which, as you might imagine, doesn’t sit that well with the Cranky Cowboy. Perhaps next time Evans should sing a few bars of ‘Into The Mystic’ because he does a killer Van Morrison. Although, to properly get into character, he has to drink a fifth of Bushmills and kick a group of blind guys down the stairs.
YOU THINK HIS ‘CARVILLE’ IS GOOD
AIN’T HALF AS GOOD AS HIS VAN MORISON
8:05:10 a.m. – We have finally found a song we hate more than ‘1-877 Kars for Kids’. It’s the new Texas Tornado’s ‘Sugar Blue’. The I-Man says he can’t get it out of his head. The problem is, neither can we. Although it has replaced Lucinda Williams doing ‘West Memphis’.
8:35:00 a.m – Chris, ‘Mad Dog’ Russo phones in. We guess he’s too lazy to cross the street, as his Sirius XM Mad Dog Radio studio is LITERALLY ACROSS THE STREET. He doesn’t really talk about the NCAA Tournament, (which we assume is why he’s on) as much as interview the I-Man while the I-Man is trying to interview HIM. “How you doing Big Guy? How’s Wyatt? How’s Charles?. (We assume he doesn’t listen to the program that much) Chris also reveals that he just read the Bob Hope Biography by Richard Zoglin. Which was printed in November of last year. We suppose Chris is a little behind on his reading, as he just finished “That new author Dick somebody…Dick Charles I think…Dickens Charles that’s it! It’s called A Tale of The Twin Cities. Which isn’t about Minneapolis/St. Paul, like I thought.”
“I HATE THE DOG TRACK…SO DEPRESSING, WATCHING THOSE SKINNY LITTLE POOCHES CHASE THAT DUCK AROUND THE TRACK…”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
AN TRIBUTE TO THE NATIONAL BEVERAGE
A Young Lady shows her appreciation for Coca Cola, while simultaneously displaying how much she loves God.
In this one, at least the young lad gets his exercise:
And finally, Marilyn Monroe stars in a Coke Commerical that could have very easily also starred JFK