6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man begins the morning by discussing Geno Smith sending cell phone pictures of his Weiner to some chick he was hitting on. Imus is impressed that there was no tearful ‘Mea Culpa’, no lame excuses, just… “Yeah, I took a photo of my junk and sent it to a babe. Now what?”
“IF YOU DIDN’T SEE IT ON THE INTERNET, IT’S ABOUT THE SIZE OF THREE OF THESE”
6:23:01 a.m. – Imus bit the inside of his mouth. It’s painful. We empathize. We do it all the time biting our lips when the I-Man asks us how his hair looks.
6:40:46 a.m. – Combat Veteran and former Navy Seal Officer Leif Babin is on. He has a REALLY AWFUL Musical Mt. Rushmore: George Strait, Marty Robbins, 3 Doors Down and…Tool. Uh….huh. It reads like a playlist off ‘Joe Dirt’s’ i-Pod. From ‘All My Ex’s Live in Texas’ to ‘Out in the old Texas Town of El Paso’ to ‘Kryptonite’…these are the three favorite bands OF a Tool. (Um…Just so you know, Mr. Babin, we really didn’t mean “Tool” in the Urban Dictionary Definition, you know, a ‘Tool’ being ‘One who lacks the mental capacity to know he is being used…a fool. A cretin, characterized by low intelligence and/or self-esteem.’ We meant ‘Tool of War’ as in ‘Lethal Instrument’. We LOVE Tool. In fact, we can’t decide which is our favorite song; ‘Schism’ , ‘Vicarious’ or ‘StinkFist’. Danny’s drumming in ‘Vicarious’ is God-Like.)
TOOL’S ‘TOOL’: YOU CAN USE THE ‘NUTS’ TO LOOSEN YOUR NUTS
6:47:11 a.m. – Leif weighs in on the Russian situation…Crimea and the Ukraine, he says “Kindergarteners can figure this out…if we don’t show strength by drawing lines in the sand that have serious consequences…then we become weak.” Or something like that. We’re not sure of the exact quote, all we know is, we wouldn’t DREAM of F^%$ing with Leif as a Kindergartner.
LEIF IN KINDERGARTEN, SPENDING RECESS AS HE ALWAYS DID: CLEANING HIS PISTOL
7:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man asks Warner if he’s ever bitten the inside of his cheek…as if he could bite the OUTSIDE of his cheek. Imus acts as though nobody else would know what that experience is like…much in the same way that he extolled how great the pancakes are at IHOP, the Bruce Springsteen is killer, and masturbation isn’t a bad way to spend 90 seconds.
YOU SEE, ‘EAT ME’ ISN’T A PHRASE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE LITERALLY
7:37:34 a.m. – ‘Blonde on Blonde’, or as we like to call it, ‘Where’s the Mute Button?’ Deirdre beats on Lis like a rented redheaded step-mule. Which is unusual, as Deirdre usually is very receptive to opposing views, and discusses them with Lis in a reasoned, measured, courteous manner in a civil, polite, well-mannered debate. Say what you want about Deirdre, she respects her elders.
LIS AT HER COLLEGE REUNION
7:45:09 a.m. – Imus plays a clip of Sister Cristina Scuccia from the Italian version of ‘The Voice’. It’s amazing. Lis is especially impressed, not by the good sister’s singing, but that a woman could actually take a vow of chastity. The nun IS talented, however, but she’s no Sister Bertrille. That girl could FLY.
“YO…SISTAH…WHERE THE PLANE AT?”
8:11:24 a.m. – Dagen makes the uncomfortable observation that both she and Carley would sleep with Nat Candido before they would even give the time of day to ‘Gunz’. This inspires the I-Man to play Cupid and set up Nat with Giselle, our Hair Stylist in the Green Room. He extolls our lovable Stage Manager’s many virtues: He’s thoughtful, kind, funny, enthusiastic…he’s got a big heart, he’s ‘relatively clean’. Dagen adds ‘Hirsute’, which is a fancy, Dick Cavett Scrabble word, meaning: ‘Back Hair Like A Chimp’. Stop. You had us at ‘Relatively Clean’.
WALKING IS NOT THE ONLY THING NAT DOES…UM… ‘UPRIGHT’.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE’RE SAYING, LADIES?
8:40:14 a.m. – Christopher, ‘Mad Dog’ Russo is on, live, in the studio. To truly get the full ‘Mad Dog’ experience, Russo MUST be seen in the flesh. He’s a role model for all the ‘Trainables’ out there with big heads because they’re so full of dreams…you know, the 40 year old guys living in their mother’s basements, eating pudding and playing NBA 2K 14 on XBOX…destined to die a virgin. It’s incredible to us that, not only is Mad Dog married, he’s fathered 4 children. (At least that’s his wife’s story) We’re of the opinion that this guy couldn’t’ get laid at the Bunny Ranch with a Black American Express card and a fistful of fifties taped to his junk.
CHRISTOPHER ‘MAD DOG’ RUSSO (L)
8:43:08 A.M. – Mad Dog reviews his old partner, Mike Francesa’s, new show on Fox Sports 1. Bigfoot puts the video of the show up on the monitor, and Russo gets confused, thinking Mike is buying a Diet Coke at a 7-11, because it looks like Security Cam footage.
8:47:08 A.M. – Chris reveals that he wants his 15 Year old son, Timmy, to play in the NBA. If he’s anything like his father, athletic-wise, the only way Timmy’s getting on a Professional Basketball court is if he’s wearing a Giant Animal head.
MAD DOG : HIS HOOPS CAREER HOPES DIED EARLY
8:55:10 A.M. – The I-Man informs us that he had a little ‘adventure’ when he left the studio yesterday. As he was getting into the backseat of the I-Scalade, an irate fan was giving him ‘The Business’ Brant, apparently, kept the door open, so the gentleman could finish his rant. Always the thoughtful one, that Brant Eaton. We’re surprised he didn’t off the nut job a ride. “Where you going? Soho? It should only take about 4 hours. I know a shortcut.”
“SORRY THE RIDE’S SO BUMPY SIR, BUT THE PIN’S STILL IN THE GRENADE, RIGHT?”
VIDEO OF THE DAY :
SISTER CRISTINA CRUSHES IT ON THE ITALIAN ‘VOICE’
WE WERE ABOUT TO GET WHACKED ON THE WRIST WITH A RULER