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    Friday
    Jul112014

    The Big Sit Down

    6:05:10 a.m. –   We begin with the I-Man calling us ‘Fat Idiots’ because we ‘Don’t know how to work the intercom’.  For some reason, he can’t hear us.  But, to be fair, the deaf bastard can’t hear us when we’re two feet away from him, let alone nearly TWO THOUSAND miles.  Maybe he should try reading our lips.  Oh.  That’s right.  He can’t see us either.  Which is just how we like it.  Although, he doesn’t get to see the special salute we give him many times every morning.

    GANGSTA MICKEY TAUGHT US HOW TO SHOW THE I-MAN WE THINK HE’S “#1”

    6:11:14 a.m. – The Boss tosses to Dagen, and, instead, it’s Neil Cavuto, who is caught, on camera, looking at the New York Times’ Obituary section, hoping he will find Imus’ name in one of them.  He is disappointed.  But not as disappointed as he will be later on this morning, when ‘The Godfather’ presides over the ‘Sit-Down’ between he and Bo Dietl and the I-Man.  Today, we settle all family business.  Somebody will be ‘Going Fishing With Fredo’ later on.  We hope the plastic sheets under the chairs in the studio don’t get stuck in the wheels.

    VERY EFFICIENT.  ONCE YOU’RE WHACKED, THE PLASTIC ON THE CARPET ‘MAKES CLEANUP A SNAP’

    6:13:30 a.m. – ‘Dawn of the Planet of the Apes’ opens today, and Dagen predicts it will be a Box Office Blockbuster.  The I-Man doesn’t understand ‘…what the big deal about the monkeys is’.  Dagen remarks that the Chimps in the movie resemble some of the men she’s dated in her life.  One of her first boyfriends had a ‘Very Simian Forehead’, and her ex-husband made Ed Asner look like he waxed his back. 

    DAGEN’S FIRST BOYFRIEND.  AND NO, THAT’S NOT A BLACK, ANGORA SWEATER

    6:20:40a.m. – The I-Man wants to know what one of the sponsors, “NJ Diet” is all about, and so he gives Carley the assignment, as clearly, Carley is almost as fat as Rob.  Yah.  In her dreams, maybe.   The commercial claims you won’t be hungry, there’s no exercise, no dieting, but you lose 20 to 45 pounds in the first 40 days.  Years ago, somebody invented something that provided the same results.  It was called Crack.

    UNFORTUNATELY, BECAUSE HE WASN’T AS COMMITTED TO IT AS HE SHOULD’VE BEEN, THE CRACK DIET DIDN’T WORK ALL THAT GREAT FOR MAYOR FORD

    6:37:07 a.m. –  Juan Williams is on, and weighs in on the Lebron James situation.  He believes it would be a great story if Lebron should go back to Cleveland.  But then again, he’s also a huge Mets Fan.  Which negates everything, and should, technically, prevent him from commenting on ANYTHING having to do with Sports.

    JUAN…IN ONE OF HIS ‘HOOP DREAMS’

    6:57:28 a.m. – The two cooks out at the Ranch quit the other day, and The Imus Family is having a difficult time finding someone to fill the position, as it requires a very special skill set.  Applicants must be able to run a kitchen and cook an exclusively Vegan menu for 30 people, 3 times a day, using only organic, whole food ingredients; not have a criminal record, drug or alcohol problem; and possess the ability to work, under pressure, while a decrepit cowboy stands next to you asking you every 5 seconds, “Have you read David Remnick’s book about Ali?”

    YOU’LL NEED QUITE A FEW OF THOSE VEGAN BLOODY MARYS

     (MADE WITH ORGANIC VODKA),

    OR SOME HYDROPNICALLY GROWN RAW WEED TO GET THROUGH YOUR FIRST SHIFT

    7:07:28 a.m. –  The Boss gives Noam Laden (No’-um Lay’-Din)  a ‘Shout Out’ for filling in this week to do the Local News on WABC radio, while Connell is on vacation, over in Ireland, researching his roots and drinking pints of Guinness until he urinates on himself.  He thanks Noam for stepping up.  And now, as the week is finally over, Noam will finally be able to go the bar across the street from the radio station and drink pints of Guinness until HE urinates on himself.

    NOAM?  WE WORK WITH HIM!

    7:11:24 a.m  –  Imus gives another ‘Shout Out’ to  ‘The Cleanery’, 5200 Eubank NE, Alberquerque, New Mexico, because they’re great.  You tell them ONCE what you want, and they get it done.  The I-Man HATES the fact that his custom shirts, made by Louis Riccart, have creases in the cuffs.  Seriously, Boss?  THIS is what’s got you upset?  You have creases all over your face.  We don’t think anybody will be paying attention to the cuffs.

    THE SUBJECT OF THE 8 MINUTE I-RANT

    7:14:24 a.m  –  Neil Cavuto appears in Bigfoot’s chair in the Control Room.  He’s like ‘Waldo’.  Except with Neil Cavuto, it’s kind of hard to miss his body in a crowd.

    WHERE’S CAVUTO?  CAN YOU FIND HIM?  OF COURSE YOU CAN.

    7:39:34 a.m. – An EXTREMELY spirited ‘VINNIE FROM QUEENS’, and the discussion ranges from whether LeBron is going back to Cleveland, to The Mets chances of finishing at 500 being a success.  The I-Man thinks James is going back to Ohio.  He says he actually is a fan of Cleveland.  But back then, those were the days when he was…well…..HIGH.

    7:41:39 a.m. –  Tony’s assessment on the LeBron situation is that James is staying in Miami, and they are waiting for Bosh to go to Houston.  The I-Man says “Bosh?  Isn’t that the guy whose wife was sleeping with ‘Lil’ Wayne’?  Gunz defends the diminuitive Wayne with “Allegedly…”  Prompting Nat to say, “Thanks, Lil’ Gunz”.  Oh snap!   It’s a ‘shortjoke’…although we don’t think that Nat was referring to Gunz’s height.

    GUNZ’S EX (YEAH, RIGHT) DEMONSTRATES THE SIZE OF GUNZ’S…UM…GUN

    8:06:32 a.m. – Two Black Limousines have arrived for the ‘Sit Down’.  We haven’t seen this many ‘Made Men’ gathered in one place since the Lego Convention.  Security is tight, both here and at the Ranch.  Here, it’s to protect two High Level Bosses, the one at the Ranch is to keep Deirdre from shooting the I-Man. 

    BO’S DRIVER IN A DISPUTE WITH CAVUTO’S DRIVER OVER A PARKING SPOT

    8:09:18 a.m. – Bernie reports on the Border Crisis, and notes that it’s primarily the Catholic Charities that are helping those poor, refugee children.  The I-Man observes, “There are children crossing over?  No wonder you got Priests flocking down there.” 

    A SIGN NEAR THE BORDER

    8:38:14 a.m. –  The time has come.  The ‘Sit Down’ begins. It’s as contentious as expected.  The I-Man begins by noting that the shot of Bo, Neil and Don Corleone in the studio here in New York, looks like an Overeaters Anonymous Meeting.  Don Cavuto says that the picture of The Boss out in New Mexico looks like a scene from Beetlejuice.

    WE DON’T KNOW WHAT NEIL’S TALKING ABOUT THERE’S ABSOLUTELY NO RESEMBLANCE

    9:08:16 a.m. –  Bernard reports that, as today is July 11th, (7/11)  there are FREE Slurpees at all  of the 7/11 Stores today from 9 a.m. to 7 p.m.  He then asks the I-Man if he’s ever had a ‘Slurpee’.  Imus says yes.  But we assume, back in the old days, he had to pay the Escort Service extra for it.  Coincidentally, they were ALSO called ‘Big Gulps’.  Well, with the Boss, maybe not THAT big.

    AT A RECENT SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT, SARAH PALIN SHOWS HER SODA TECHNIQUE TO A GROUP OF ‘PROFESSIONAL WOMEN’   

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    ANOTHER ‘SIT DOWN’, FROM ‘THE UNTOUCHABLES’, COMBINING THE BEST OF ‘VINNIE FROM QUEENS’ WITH THE MAGIC OF ‘THE GODFATHER’

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xy3MtznDeqg

    Thursday
    Jul102014

    Alan Colmes, Keepin It Tight

    5:45:09 a.m. – We get to the Green Room early this morning, so we can check Lis Wiehl’s ‘Our Time’ dating mailbox.  She’s received 8756 responses to her profile!  We would like to highlight a few of the more promising potential suitors:

      


    6:05:10 a.m. –     The I-Man says that Soccer sounds much better on the radio.  We are of the opinion that Soccer LOOKS much better on the radio too.  In fact, it’s the best when both the TV AND the radio are turned off.

    “GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!”

    6:08:14 a.m. – Good news.  Bill Powers will remain the President through the 2014-2015 Season, as well as the next Legislative Session and then return to the Law School where he will teach.  Not so fast there, Governor Perry, you Four-eyed, mouth-breathing, Mexican-Hater.

    GOVERNOR PERRY LAST CINCO DE MAYO

    6:11:30 a.m. – Lori Rothman, (Whose Birthday was yesterday, as she so readily and pathetically told us) informs us that her loving husband, MISTER Rothman, or ‘Frodo’, will take her to Mohegan Sun this weekend.  Apparently, her birthday present is a comped room and free tickets to see Adam Lambert be Freddie Mercury in ‘Queen’.  We’re not sure if he’s taking her to dinner, but we’re almost positive he’s got coupons for the restaurant.  So thoughtful, really going out of his way to make Lori’s 55th Birthday a special one.  We are, however, somewhat ‘troubled’ by the fact that they are going to see ‘Queen’.  We realize “You Should Never Pass Up Free Tickets” …but we also thought the tag line to that adage was “…unless they’re for a Queen Concert.”  Adam Lambert as Freddie Mercury?   If Lori’s not a fan, we have SERIOUS concerns about FRODO.  We wonder if he is ready to ‘Come out of the Cabinet’?

    ‘FRODO’ GETTING READY FOR ‘SEXY TIME’ WITH LORI

    6:37:07 a.m. – The Great Dick Gregory is here again, for the second time in as many weeks, but the special treat is…he’s here LIVE! IN PERSON!   He walks into the Green Room and immediately pulls Tony aside and whispers something to him.  Rob asks Tony what’s going on…Tony’s reply?  “It’s a black thing, you wouldn’t understand.”   Rob only hopes that when the Revolution goes down it  A- WILL be televised, and B- He’ll be spared because of his longtime friendship with Tony.

    ROB’S JOB AFTER THE ‘REVOLUTION’

    6:46:22 a.m. – Dick Gregory, as is his style, ‘Pulls our coat’ to a myriad of subjects.  He is part philosopher, part professor, part prophet and 100% Original. There is a difference between being REALLY SMART and REALLY WISE.  Dick is both.  I-Man observes that EVERYBODY likes Dick Gregory.  Even Joseph Abboud, who emailed The Boss after the interview, loves Dick.  And he thinks Mr. Gregory is pretty good too.

    WHAT BLACK SANTA CLAUS REALLY LOOKS LIKE

    7:05:28 a.m. –  The I-Man is very happy that Bill Powers is still the President of the University of Texas.  He makes the following statement.   “This has nothing to do with me.”    Of course we Bjhiorhiohaibo;hioe;ahgiahio;ahgio;rahgioa;rfhbr;oahgura;ghoguoibwbnuqb6nu04 nq904b7n3u[mvu9026b20bn6pourfjkdla;go;rajgria;jguriqoptuvnq[jgrqi;’jhrgqei’akjetuvio;erbwnuopri[buiop[eqmuvpoyure[mypowmo26m592bmvy8u597m190=6b7nv][mieorwpb7numq=m4uv9wq=p[etribmp,qvwtrkep[oiwmbyh[p0o83hj]26bgi4t[wkuew[rtg2[0n6muthyb2]gp[q34um65y[bh4506mhu3=gnokwenyuerbpouwenbu[b6nu4329[bnuqp’ernbjwket2o[n6u9[buy542b890t43unv[dspytijh6u54[mbyimwb0[ae npytinb26[]304wne4mintb3u[04w5b

    7:05:58 a.m  –  We apologize; after typing the above statement,  the computer went berserk.  We think because we typed the I-Man’s phrase “This has nothing to do with fjkdla;go;rajgria;jgu riqopt uvnq[ jgrqi;’jhrgqei’akjetuvio;erbwnuopri[buiop[eqmuvpoyure[my powmo26m592bmvy8u597m190=6b7nv][mieorwpb7numq=m4uv9wq=p[etribmp,qvwtrkep[oiwmbyh[p0o83hj]26bgi4t[wkuew[rtg2[0n6muthyb2]gp[q34um65y[bh45-06mhu3=-504]jdlkajdlak;jbiaruijakljhrqhiroutrahb857uy0hgi;onnbvlwuyqtu943qigq2[-y0[qujh9-hgpu2jq5h-9rt9wp

    WE DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE COMPUTER IN THE GREEN ROOM

    7:15:30 a.m  –  Dagen reports on Government Waste.  Apparently, there have been millions of dollars overspent on Medicare.  She hopes that some of that money went to Grandmothers who wanted to get their Ta Tas done.  The I-Man can’t understand why a Grandma would want a new set of boobs.  Well, maybe because she’s tired of stepping on her nipples.

     

    NANA  BEFORE                      NANA AFTER 

    7:39:34 a.m. – MENSA MEETING.  The topic of the Minnesota Twins installing a ‘SELF SERVE’ Beer Policy at their stadium is brought up.  Apparently, for a flat fee, spectators can avail themselves of 48 ounces of draft every 15 minutes.  This causes the I-Man to wax nostalgic.  “Nothing better than being at a baseball game with a cold beer and about 5 Hot Dogs.”  Really?  Then how come he always gives Rob s*&^ when HE does it?

    AMERICA’S ‘OTHER’ NATIONAL PASTIME

    ROB AT A METS GAME LAST MONTH

    7:41:24 a.m. – The panel discusses the ‘Border Crisis’, and acknowledge that there is a huge influx of children from Guatemala and Honduras.  We have brainstormed here in the Green Room and have actually come up with a solution:  We offer to take all the children from Guatemala and, in return, they get Gunz…a bag of baseballs, and a “Moron to be named later.”  It’s a ‘Win Win’, or, as they say in Spanish, ‘Ganar Ganar’

       

    THEM… FOR HIM.  IT’S A NO-BRAINER.  LITERALLY, WHEN YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT GUNZ

    7:55:32 a.m. – The I-Man complains to Deirdre that she has ‘Too many clothes’.  And she says that she’s “Not THAT into clothes”.  Which is just ridigjia;out ioqpt unvqiqi’tvmu[wv ypoerw uwrep[bpu[wytombwpoeybu[ep;rmtuoiqvnuw’ypmbowbpvmupembyp3wmuom’vweuywnbmp]veqopmvyuw]mbpevq]uobmyvw[]eponbvuywbpmtvuw[ybwvptri,q]wmuvy[wue],victq]muyv2[,iw]evy]53wbmyvu0[erymvwe],vquy]mptwriupob[muyw[ptr,iboyui,v]rpi[fjkdla;go;rajgria;jgu riqopt uvnq[jgrqi;’jhrgqei’akjetuvio;erbwnuopri[buiop[eqmuvpoyure[mypowmo26m592bmvy8u597m190=6b7nv][mieorwpb7numq=m4uv9wq=p[etribmp,qvwtrkep[oiwmbyh[p0o83hj]26bgi4t[wkuew[rtg2[0n6muthyb2]gp[q34um65y[bh45-06mhu3=-

    DAMMIT!  It did it again.  We really should install that ‘Bull$#!# Detector’ software.

    CURRENTLY IN BETA - TESTING

    8:09:18 a.m. – The Boss talks about Donald Sterling’s wife who testified at her husband’s ‘Competency Hearing’.  He thinks that one day “Deirdre will be testifying that I’m insane.”  Like she hasn’t already?  The I-Man’s lucky she hasn’t already called for a ‘Competency Hearing’.  He’d be doing the show from a studio at The Home.

    “ARE YOUR PEACHES FUNNY?  I DON’T LIKE PEACHES…THEY’RE TOO HARD TO CHEW…AND THEY GIVE ME THE RUNS…IS THIS ON?  IS THIS THING ON? I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM…UM…NEVER MIND.  I JUST DID.”

    8:20:40 a.m. – Bernard calls Bill Powers ‘Steve’ or ‘John’ or ‘Kenny’, we’re not really sure, but it definitely wasn’t Bill and the I-Man calls him out on it.  But then he calls Bernard the ‘Funniest Man Alive’.  Wow.  THAT was REALLY funny. Move over Carlin, Pryor, Winters…oh…that’s right, they’re dead.  Move over Chappelle…Seinfeld…Stewart…how come YOU guys can’t think of funny stuff like calling somebody the wrong name? Actually we know he’s referring to Bernard’s whole body of work.  We love it when he does those references to the Google Glass wearers as ‘Glassholes’ and comedian Anthony Jeselnik, as ‘Chisel Dick’.  We realize this is a rather rough assessment of our beloved Bernie, but we suddenly realized he has heretofore escaped any kind of character assassination from this Blog.   And we don’t want him to feel bad…because he was left out.

    WE DON’T KNOW WHY HE HAS THOSE GLASSES ON TOP OF HIS HEAD, UNLESS THEY’RE LOOKING FOR ANY SIGNS OF HAIR

    8:39:08 a.m. – I-Fave, (And R and T Fave as well) Senator John McCain is on to discuss the 3.7 Billion dollars the President has allocated to deal with the illegal immigrant children who are escaping the Cartels in their home countries.   The Boss tries to bait him into saying that if they had the votes, he would be in favor of impeaching Obama as suggested by Sarah Palin. The Senator, a LONG time listener of the program, does NOT fall for the trap.  The I-Man’s interrogation techniques are NOTHING like those of the North Vietnamese.

    “OKAY, OKAY!  THERE WERE FEWER VOTES THAN WE NEEDED!”

    8:56:14 a.m. – Off Air, the I-Man says, in a pained voice, that he ‘Can’t do this any more.’  He can’t breathe.  It’s the worst when he first wakes up in the morning.  We didn’t want to tell him that it’s probably because Deirdre has the My Pillow over his face.  Which is a reason why he should NEVER ‘sleep in’. 

    DEIRDRE AND DON, MOMENTS BEFORE HE ‘WAKES’.  WHAT’S THAT SHE’S GOT IN HER HAND?

    9:07:21 a.m. – While promo-ing the upcoming replay of this morning’s ‘Mensa Meeting’, The I-Man STILL marvels at the transformation of Alan Colmes, from ‘Ferret-Faced Dweeb’ to ‘Do-Able’.   The Boss mentions that Alan has undergone a ‘Frame Up’ Restoration akin to a Rusted-Out 57 Chevy.  We think it’s more like a 49 DeSoto, because Alan is 87 years old.  At least that’s what we think.  He COULD be immortal, if not for the fact that we have seen him during the day, and so he could NOT be a vampire.  But he COULD be one of the ‘Walking Dead’.

    ALAN COLMES.  ‘KEEPIN’ IT TIGHT’

    9:10:30 a.m. – Imus talks about the soccer game between the ‘Argentines’ and the ‘Netherlands People.’  You mean the Argentinians and the Dutch, I-Man?  ‘Argentines’ sounds like a small citrus fruit.  Have you been working with your ‘Rosetta Stone’ Bo-Ism Tapes?  Because the ‘Argentines Decimitated the Netherlandians in that Suckatation Soccer game last night.’

    TEAM ARGENTINA GOALKEEPER, SERGIO ROMERO, CUTS ONE LOOSE THAT’S SO POWERFUL, IT BLEW A HOLE THROUGH THE NET AND KNOCKED OVER THE CAMERAMAN

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN ANTICIPATION OF TOMORROW’S ‘SIT DOWN’ WITH THE ‘3 FAMILIES’,

    (THE CAVUTOS, THE DIETL’S AND THE IMUS’)

    HERE IS DON CORLEONE BACK WHEN HE MET WITH THE ‘5 FAMILIES’

    “HOW DID THINGS EVER GET SO FAR?”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jpwqWPKAUc

     

    Wednesday
    Jul092014

    Legal Bikini Briefs

    6:05:10 a.m. –     The I-Man begins the morning with an accolade:  “One of my favorite people in the world is Warner Wolf.  Warner will ‘tell it like it is’, whether it’s in his interest or not.”  Or whether he’s got the facts right or not. Or whether he can pronounce the names so it doesn’t sound like Tom Brokaw choking on a cough drop.  Truth be told, we love Warner too.  He’s like that favorite old Uncle who comes over every Thanksgiving and, even though you’re thirty, will still do the ‘Got your nose’ thing and then give you a dollar when he leaves.

    “VERY FUNNY, WARNER…NOW, PUT IT BACK.”

    6:13:14 a.m. – DAGEN IS BACK!!!   She says “I’m glad to be back with you weirdos.”  WE’RE the Weirdos, Daisy Mae?  She goes on to say that it’s clear that she didn’t use her time away from the program to get a ‘Breast Enhancement’.  We don’t believe she needs any cosmetic surgery, we subscribe to the French standard that the perfect breast should fit into a shot glass.

    JUSTIN BIEBER AFTER HIS BREAST REDUCTION SURGERY

    6:15:30 a.m. – Today is Lori Rothman’s Birthday.  How do we know?  She told us.  On the air, first thing out of her mouth.  It’s so sad.  Poor thing.  And she brought Ice Cream Dixie Cups  to share with the rest of the kids in her class.  Hopefully, Frodo will do something special for her tonight. Like give her an evening gown from Garanimals and then take her to the Amusement Park where she can stand next to the signs to see which ride she can get on.

    COINCIDENTALLY, LORI PUT THIS SIGN ON HER BEDROOM DOOR

    6:37:07 a.m. – Stuart Varney is on to sing the praises of President Obama.   Psyche.  Actually, he is on to bemoan the massive influx of Illegal Immigrants across the Southern Border.  He wonders why the President isn’t taking any action.  We are wondering as well.  How come Obama didn’t have anybody at the airport when Stuart flew in from Britain?

    STUART AT CUSTOMS IN THE LATE 80S

    7:05:28 a.m. –  The I-Man laments the fact that Bill Powers may be out as president of The University of Texas.  Good.  He no longer has to suck up to this loser any more, hoping to gain some kind of leverage to get Wyatt into the University’s Business School.  Hey Bill…don’t let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya.  We’re sure that the Boss’s new BFF, (TBD-To Be Determined) will do a much better job.  Imus is nothing, if not loyal.

    PRESIDENT POWERS AND TWO POTENTIAL REPLACEMENTS FOR THE POSITION

    7:14:24 a.m  –  In answer to the 3.7 Billion Dollars that the President has requested to assist in the Border crisis, the I-Man has a novel idea:  Give the money to all the immigrants so they can go back home.  And buy a big house.  And then hire some of their relatives to cook, clean, and do the lawn.

    MEXICAN IMMIGRANTS MAKING IT RAIN WITH ‘NOT COUNTERFEIT’ U.S. CASH

    7:39:34 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde.  Despite the fact that the two panelists are hot, steamin’ tenderonis, the segment gets off on an ‘Ugly’ note.  Sunday Shopping is the main bone of contention.  Deirdre is in favor of a day of rest, while Lis sides with those who need the hours of work, or who are at their jobs 6 days of the week, and use Sunday to ‘Catch Up’ with their  shopping, etc.   Deirdre accuses Lis of using Sunday to buy ‘All that junk food.’  That’s not true.  Sunday is the only day she takes a ‘Rest’ from Junk Food.

    WE KNOW.  SHOCKING.  WHY SHE DOESN’T TOUCH UP THOSE ROOTS…

    7:41:24 a.m. – The I-Man wants to set Lis up with Michael Lindell, former Crackhead and ‘My Pillow’ magnate.  We’re not so sure he’d be interested…as he no longer smokes Crack.  We decide we would like to help, and we have created a ‘Dating Profile’ for Lis and posted it on ‘Our Time’, the site for lonely people who are over fifty.  WAY over fifty.

    LIS WIEHL

     SCREEN NAME: “Legal Bikini Briefs”

    Seeking:    AMWAP:  ‘Any man with a pulse’ Willing to settle…um… DOWN, that is, I mean “Willing to settle DOWN.”  Marriage an option, although, I’m an ‘Old Fashioned Girl.  (Who believes that a Sugar Daddy is NOT just a candy!)    

    A little bit about me:

    Oops! You haven't answered this important question yet.

    I love long walks on the beach, Pinot Grigio, a good burger, and a big, thick, chocolate...milk shake.  “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours
    Damn right, it's better than yours, I could teach you but I have to charge.”
     I am fluent in French, Italian, Spanish, and the Kama Sutra; Board Certified in positions 17, 52, and 44  (Those are also my measurements.)

    Get Started!About the one I'm looking for...

    As long as he is breathing, has money in the bank, and isn’t in a wheelchair, I’m good to go.  In fact, if he has the first two, I’ll even be willing to deal with a stroke victim, as long as his mouth works, and the drooling isn’t too excessive.  Extreme old age not a problem, so long as he’s rich, in poor health, and willing to commit.  Legally.

     

    I'd just like to add...

    Oops! You haven't answered this important question yet.

    I'm blonde, (Collar matches the cuffs, by the way, I color them both) slender, EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE…despite a lazy eye and a problem with uncontrollable flatulence. Pull my finger, and I'll pull yours. C'mon, let's do this.

     

    My idea of a perfect evening:   You meet me in a crowded bar, and pretend my name is ‘Tanya’, a Russian Nymphomaniac, working undercover as a spy for the KGB.  You buy me a few boilermakers and a plate of chicken wings, and then we head back to your place for ‘Debriefing’ and ‘Interrogation’.  After I do three encores of ‘The Funky Chicken’ in the nude, we make wild, passionate love, and after the three minutes are up, you send me back home, frustrated and deeply unsatisfied, with cab fare, the doggie bag of leftover chicken wings, and no way to call you for a second date as you stole my cell phone.

    FIRST GUY TO RESPOND TO LIS’ PROFILE:  PHOTO TAKEN BY HIS MOM IN HER BASEMENT

    7:52:34 a.m. – Lis attempts to defend Lou Dobbs, much to Imus and Deirdre’s dismay.  They both have not forgiven Mr. Dobbs for his last ‘Appearance’, in which, the Fat, Immigrant Hating Shmoo…didn’t appear.  He’s so concerned about people coming over the border, why doesn’t he just go down to Texas and LAY on the line…there isn’t a Mexican alive who’d be able to scale him to get into the U.S.  We understand why Lis is defending Lou…she’s THAT desperate.

    ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ATTEMPT TO CLIMB OVER LOU TO GET INTO EL PASO

    8:06:32 a.m. – The Boss tries to create some kind of animus between Bernard and Dagen, questioning her ability to do the news better than he can.  Typical Imus.  Put two of his ‘dogs’ in a cage together, and then poke them both with a bacon-wrapped stick.  Neither are taking the bait, however, as Dagen is secure in the knowledge that Bernie is terrified of her, (which all of us are) and has no desire to get into a Hatfield/McCoy Style Feud with Mama Cornpone.

    THE REASON WHY DAGEN DOESN’T GET MAIL DELIVERED TO THE SHACK ANY MORE

    8:16:18 a.m. – Bernie reports a story about Hilary Clinton’s tepid book sales.  The I-Man remarks “You’re giving me an erection.”  “I can only hope”, thinks Deirdre, “It’s like ‘Waiting for Godot’.” She then promptly goes on Amazon.com to purchase a couple of copies for their bedroom at the Hacienda. We hate to disappoint her, but we think one of the camera guys out there surreptitiously raised Imus’ chair to improve the shot…and The Boss just THINKS it’s going up. 

    HILLARY’S IRONICALLY TITLED HARD CHOICES.  FUNNY, PICTURES OF HER USUALLY HAVE THE OPPOSITE EFFECT ON US.

    8:38:14 a.m. – Arthur Aidala is on to discuss the ‘Napping Yankee Fan’ Lawsuit, which he considers frivolous and meritless, and then launches into a Lester-Bangs-Style dissertation on the best concerts he’s ever attended, naming The Rolling Stones and Bruce Springsteen.  Gee.  Wow. That’s great, Artie. Within mere seconds, we are napping ourselves, and consider slapping HIM with a lawsuit for the 9 minutes of our lives that we will never get back.

    ARTHUR AIDALA:  BORED IN THE U.S.A.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A Compilation of Potential Love Connections for our dear friend, Lis

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bomkgXeDkE 

    Tuesday
    Jul082014

    Michael Riedel, Richard Pryor, and Dick Cavett

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The NY Post cover story this morning concerns a frivolous lawsuit filed against ESPN, their sportscasters, The Yankees AND Major League Baseball by some fat, napping shmoo who claims he lost his ‘standing in the community’ for ‘vituperative remarks’ made by the play by play guys on TV.  If you could sue every time somebody called you fat and stupid on TV…Rob would be a Billionaire.

    HE SHOULD’VE FILED TWO LAWSUITS.  HE WAS CLEARLY TAKING UP TWO SEATS

    6:13:14 a.m. – The I-Man announces that Theater Columnist and Founding Panelist on today’s segment, ‘Hollywood & Vine’,  Michael Riedel, will be filling in for Curtis Sliwa this week on WABC AM.  That’s right, the man with the ‘License to Kill A Broadway Show’ is going to host a radio show.  Riedel.  Michael Riedel. 

    MR. RIEDEL…AS HIS IDOL, ROGER MOORE.  THAT’S RIGHT…NOT SEAN CONNERY, NOT DANIEL CRAIG, NOT PIERCE BROSNAN…NOT EVEN GEORGE LAZENBY.  ROGER EFFING MOORE.  THE BIGGEST PUSSY JAMES BOND OF ALL TIME. 

    6:17:30 a.m. –  Warner reports that Major League Home of the Minnesota Twins, Target Field in Minneapolis, is going to sell passes to allow people to avail themselves of ‘Self-Serve Beer Stations’.   You can get 48 ounces every fifteen minutes…what could POSSIBLY go wrong with THAT idea?  Although there really is no other way to actually sit through an entire Twins game unless you’re drunk.  Really drunk.  Like pee into the dugout, throw batteries at the umpires, light the hot dog vendor on fire kind of drunk.  What are they thinking?  They’ll have a whole Stadium filled with fat napping guys like the one at the Yankee Game.  Maybe they just want to boost their municipal coffers with fines from DWI arrests.

    TARGET FIELD WILL ALSO INSTALL ‘DRUNK NETS’ TO CATCH INEBRIATED FANS GOING FOR FOUL BALLS

    6:37:07 a.m. – Walid Phares is on to discuss Iraq and Terrorism.  Not for nothing, but, we’re not sure guys, but he sounds like the kind of person who gets regular cavity searches when he even just drops somebody off at the airport. 

    DR. PHARES TODAY, AND HOW HE LOOKED  BACK IN THE LATE 80S WHEN HE PLAYED ‘MOLA RAM’ IN ‘INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM’

    7:14:24 a.m  –  After a story about Madonna receiving special treatment at Jury Duty, the Boss relates that he once had to testify in front of a Grand Jury.  Not because he was being investigated for Identify Theft after a complaint by Wolfman Jack, but because he once saw a murder from the window of his Astor Place Penthouse.  At least he THINKS he saw a murder.  It was, after all, the 80’s and…not exactly what you’d consider a ‘Reliable Witness’.

    THE CHALK OUTLINE WE ALL WISH HAD BEEN DRAWN ON THE SIDEWALK DOWN THERE IN THE VILLAGE

    7:39:34 a.m. – Hollywood & Vine, with Deirdre Imus, Imogen Lloyd Weber and Michael Riedel.  Or as we like to call it ‘Blonde on Blonde on Blowhard’.   Riedel has his shirt open to his navel, in full 70’s style, like he’s an extra from ‘Saturday Night Fever’. 

    RIEDEL.  ‘STAYIN’ ALIVE’.

    7:40:08 a.m. – The topic of a Richard Pryor Biopic, is discussed.  Casting the role of Pryor is the subject of speculation.  The I-Man thinks Chris Rock is perfect, while Deirdre maintains that Marlon Wayans was born to play the role, and, as usual, she’s right.  Ever since Gary Coleman died, Marlon is the only person destined to play Pryor.

    “WHATCHYOO TALKIN’ ‘BOUT, MUDBONE?”

    7:41:24 a.m. – The lovely Imogen Lloyd Weber admits that she does not know who Richard Pryor is, and, back in the Greenroom after the segment, gets him confused with Richard SIMMONS.   Which, we can sort of understand…as one is flaming, and the other BURST into flames.

    RICHARD SIMMONS.  FREEBASING BIRTHDAY CAKE?

    8:06:32 a.m. – Deirdre is tired of people using the fact that they were drunk as an excuse for when they do something wrong.  She goes on a tirade about how cowardly that is, and how getting drunk kills one in ten deaths of working adults and wants to basically, outlaw drinking.  Ironically, millions of people listening and watching the program begin drinking at this very moment.  Heavily.

    HERE’S A TIP, KIDS.  DON’T DRINK AND FORAGE

    8:15:18 a.m. – Kevin Magee sends an email to the I-Man, correcting Deirdre’s pronunciation of the word ‘Biopic’.  He claims it’s BIO-PIC…as in Biography Picture, and not ‘Biopic’ as in, ‘Rhymes with Myopic’.  No he d-int.  Correcting the D-Woman?  What is he, a Moron?  (Which, by the way, according to Bugs Bunny, is pronounced ‘Maroon’)  Michael Lynne, the Film Magnate, weighs in.  He agrees with Mr. Magee.  Obviously, he’s an ‘Idjit’.   (Which is the currect pronunciation of ‘idiot’)

    ORATOR AND RACONTEUR ABRAHAM LINCOLN  (PRONOUNCED ‘LIN-CONE’)

    8:38:14 a.m. – The Great Dick Cavett is on to talk about ‘Watergate’.  At first, we don’t have the heart to tell him that it was 40 years ago, and he’s a little late because Nixon has already resigned…and died, but then we learn that PBS is replaying the Interviews Mr. Cavett did with all the players.  So, if you didn’t get the chance to see him talking to the Senate Watergate Committee, here’s your chance, because you won’t be buying that box set…unless it also comes with Motown-Music of the 60’s Box Set, and the 17 volume Ken Burns Documentary about the Magna Carta.

    THE REAL ‘TRICKY DICK’ WITH U.S. SENATORS HERMAN TALMADGE, DANIEL INOUYE,   LOWELL WEICKER AND  HOWARD BAKER

    9:07:10 a.m. –  The I-Man mentions that he might forgo the use of the hair and makeup departments here at Fox when he gets back from the Ranch.  He claims he does NO hair and makeup out there in Reader’s Digest New Mexico, and there’s NO difference.  Hang on a sec there, Cowboy.  While we agree that Cosmetic Adjustments made for camera are tantamount to putting new curtains on the windows of the Titanic, but at least they kept you from seeing how dire your situation was.

    BEFORE HAIR AND MAKEUP

     AFTER MAKEUP.  BUT BEFORE HAIR.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    AS DOING A BIOPIC ABOUT RICHARD PRYOR WITH ANYBODY IS LIKE HAVING JUSTIN BIEBER PLAY MCCARTNEY IN A BEATLES’ BIOPIC, HERE IS THE ONE, THE ONLY, ORIGINAL , OFTEN IMITATED, BUT NEVER DUPLICATED, GENIUS HIMSELF. FROM HIS DEBUT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION, TO HIS CONCERT TOUR, TO HIS SHORT LIVED NBC TV SERIES

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmZm2HBMtTQ

    Monday
    Jul072014

    Bernard "Newsman" McGuirk

    6:05:10 a.m. –    Connell is not here.  He says he’s in Ireland, but then again, Charles said he was going to Arkansas…and nobody ever heard from him again.  Bernard is filling in to do the National News.  It’s a little unsettling.  Every time he goes to an Actuality Soundbite, we expect to hear Conan O’Brien’s voice.

    DAN ‘RATHER NOT’

    6:07:14 a.m. – Lori reports that there were, indeed ‘Fireworks’ at the Rothman Household this Fourth of July. We assume Frodo must’ve busted open a case of Viagra, so there was enough for ‘Two Towers’.  (See what we did there?  The Lord of the Rings reference?)  Although we are not sure what Lori would consider ‘Fireworks’.  Are we talking a Grucci Finale Display?  Or holding a sparkler in the backyard?

    IT WENT DOWN AS FAST AS IT WENT UP.  THAT’S WHAT YOU CALL ‘A DUD’

    6:15:30 a.m. – Brad Thor is in with his new book, Act of War, which he describes as ‘Faction’.  That’s a term he coined to describe a novel where “You don’t know where the facts end and fiction begins.”  We wonder if that’s similar to the phrase “Bestsucker” for a book that’s on the New York Times Bestseller list, despite the fact that it sucks.  Which would be one of Lis Wiehl’s books…if she ever actually WROTE a book.

     WE WONDER IF LIS HAS A GHOST WRITER FOR HER CHECKS

    7:06:28 a.m. –  Imus extolls the virtues of the Cleaners at 5200 Eubank N.E. in Albuquerque, who he has entrusted with his shirts.  He only had to tell them how he wanted them ONCE, and they’ve gotten it right ever since.  It took him TEN YEARS to get Hallak Cleaners to get the message.  Never mind the fact that for what Hallak charges, you can get 20 shirts done in Albuquerque.  Apparently, the only problem with the joint is the name:  “The Cleanery”    We guess the name “The Shirtery’ was already taken.   Good thing they don’t own a Port o’ Potty business.  We’re not sure we’d feel comfortable using a commode from ‘The S#!+ery’.

    WONDER IF THEY WILL DELIVER TO CENTRAL PARK WEST?

    7:20:24 a.m  –  Warner reports that all the Soccer Teams whose coaches forbid them to have sex before THE games are now out of the competition.  All the teams that got their respective Freaks On, are still in.  So we guess U.S.A. wasn’t allowed to have intercourse, so they decided to just F&^% us.

    MAYBE IF YOU’D JUST KNOCKED BOOTS WITH SOMEONE ON THE WOMEN’S TEAM, YOU WOULDN’T BE SUCH A LOSER

    7:39:34 a.m. – MIGHT BE ELVIS, the weekly ‘Rate A Record’ segment, with Rodeo Prodigy and Guns ‘n Roses fan Wyatt Imus is filling in for Dagen McDowell.  Ryan Adams, is first up.  He’s the dude from the Country Band ‘Whiskeytown’, and NOT the Canadian from ‘The Summer of ‘69’.   However, coincidentally, Ryan’s song also ‘Cuts Like a Knife’, (which was a hit for the aforementioned Bryan Adams), in that, we want to slit our own throats, after stabbing him to death.   Second up is ‘Rude’ from a group called ‘Magic’, which could be renamed, ‘A Coupla White Guys Sitting Around Trying to Do Reggae.’   The panel isn’t feeling it, other than The I-Man and Gunz.  So you KNOW it has to suck.  Miles Davis is next, with ‘Summertime’, which was introduced by The Boss mentioning his playing the Bugle in the Marines in the same sentence as noting that Miles ‘Also played the trumpet’.  The tune is an instrumental, in which, Mr. Davis is using the ‘Mute’ on his horn, which, unfortunately, didn’t mute the sound completely.  Trevor says about Kenny Chesney’s ‘American Kids’ that it’s “Refreshing to hear a country song about living in a trailer park and having a good time.”  Finally, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers’ “American Dream: Plan B”.  Ahem.  We hope Tom has plans C through J on tap.  Because he’s very close to giving Bob Dylan’s status as “Most Out of Touch Wilbury’ a challenge.

    THE PANEL ISN’T ALL THAT ENTHUSED ABOUT THE SONG CHOICES FOR ‘IT MIGHT BE ELVIS’

    8:06:32 a.m. – “Former Navy Seal Leif Babin is coming up.”  Imus promos our 830 guest.  We can only hope that HE doesn’t have a book.   But if he does, we know one thing:  It’s GREAT!  Brilliant!  Can’t put it down.  Even if he wrote it in crayon on toilet paper.  ANYTHING he does is A-OK with us, because we would like to keep our spleens right where they are, and not pulled out through our nostrils.

    THIS MAN CAN KILL YOU WITH A Q-TIP.  HIS NAME IS LEIF BABIN.  OR AS WE ALWAYS REFER TO HIM:  “SIR YES SIR!”

    8:09:18 a.m. –  Bernie plays a clip of Rick Perry from his interview on ABC and the I-Man observes that, “Rick’s glasses don’t make him look any smarter.”  He also notices that Rick is wearing the same tie as he did on his Fox News Appearance.  Probably because he can’t find a decent Dry Cleaner in Texas.  Apparently, Rick also hit on Deirdre when they ran into each other on Fox News…and he hit on her.  You don’t have to be that smart OR have glasses to know ‘Fine’ when you meet it.

    GOVERNOR PERRY TACKLING THE IMMIGRATION PROBLEM WITH HIS USUAL APLOMB

    8:11:14 a.m. –  Bernard does a story about Joan Rivers.  Is this the News?  Or the Briefing?  Must be the News, because there was no sign of either Jimmy Kimmel or Jon Stewart. 

    BERNIE BACK WHEN HE CO-HOSTED THE NEWS WITH CONNIE CHUNG

    8:38:14 a.m. – Leif Babin is on.  Besides being a NAVY SEAL, Leif is one of the co-founders of ‘Echelon Front’, it’s a leadership training and consulting group that uses the lessons and skills learned by Babin and co-founder Jocko Willink during their military service to educate.  And not some Domestic Terrorist Organization.

    LEIF BABIN.  NOT ‘THAT KIND’ OF FRONT

    8:40:14 a.m. – Leif is on to discuss his tour of duty in Iraq, and the current deteriorating situation with ISIS.  We think they could settle this problem if President Obama was only willing to say the following:  “Hey you Motherf^%$ers.  If you don’t stop this s&^%, we’re gonna tell…Leif.”

    LEIF CHILLING ON THE BEACH.  HE CAN CRUSH A PAINT CAN WITH HIS PECS.

    9:05:14 a.m. – Imus comes back at the top of the hour to comment on a promo that aired on WABC AM, for whatever the evening Drive Time Programming is.  The words ‘rough’ and ‘awful’ are among the few that are printable.  We think it will definitely help to improve the ratings of that show, as we anticipate a bump in the number of people who tune in…just out of curiosity to see what a Train Wreck sounds like.  Like Brad Thor, we again coin a new phrase.  “Radio Rubbernecking.”

    HEED THE SIGNS

    9:08:17 a.m. –  While researching the internet for a graphic for the above piece, we stumbled across a story that said  Yoko Ono’s set at the Glastonbury Festival was the ‘Worst Live Performance of All Time.”   First of all, if you’re buying a ticket to see Yoko Ono, you really have to know that it’s not exactly going to be a Beatles’ Reunion.  Second of all, they can only claim that it was the ‘Worst Live Performance of All Time’ because they never saw Ron White in concert.

    MAYBE YOKO WAS DOING HER ‘TATER SALAD’ BIT.

    9:17:34 A.M. -  Warner goes down ‘Memory Lane’ with the I-Man, reminiscing about Muhammad Ali and the David Remnick book King of the World.   Warner doesn’t remember reading it, as it was published in the Fall of 1998, and Warner doesn’t remember he had half a tuna sandwich at the movies yesterday.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    In honor of Bernard’s debut as Newsman,

    Here’s a collection of Classic ‘News Fails’

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7SeCCOkJw8