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    Wednesday
    Feb122014

    You Be the Judge

    6:05:10 a.m. –   Dagen calls Shaun White a ‘Chokemaster’.  We hope she’s referring to his poor performance in the ‘Half Pipe’ at Sochi, and not his ‘Own Pipe’ in his Hotel Bathroom.  And that there’s no ‘Chicken’ involved.

    SHAUN WHITE: LOSER.  ACTUALLY, IT’S CARROT TOP.  BUT SHAUN SUCKED SO BAD, WE COULDN’T BEAR TO LOOK AT HIS FACE. (WHICH GIVES YOU AN IDEA OF JUST HOW HORRIFIED WE WERE BY HIS PERFORMANCE, IF WE PREFER TO LOOK AT CARROT TOP’S FACE)

    6:16:12 a.m. –  Brilliant, author, Dupont award winning Broadcaster and Television journalist, Bernard Goldberg, has sent the I-Man an e-mail that’s so long, the Boss had to add paper to the printer.  It’s more like a manifesto; an answer to Imus’ calling Bernie a ‘sycophant’.  When any missive begins with the words, “You are one stupid Mother f$%#er”…it’s a pretty safe bet it’s not a fan letter.  Note the use of the ‘ER’ version of the epithet, as opposed to the ‘CKA’ spelling.  That one is used in the vernacular, usually in good spirits, as in ‘How are you this morning, Mother%#cka?”  As opposed to the ‘ER’ suffix, which is what you’re called by the dealer you stiffed, just before he lets go of your ankles sending you 40 stories to the pavement.

    BRUCE WILLIS MEANS BUSINESS (‘ER’)

    6:37:34 a.m. – Laurie Puhn, Relationship Expert, (And who knew you could major in that in college?) is on to discuss…well, relationships.  It’s her controversial opinion that we should say nice things to our partners.  Wow.  We wonder why we never thought of that when ‘Sharing’ with the bitches we’re married to.  We can only hope that her marriage goes South, not that we want to hit on her, (Which…well, she IS a Snappy Dish) but because we would revel in the irony. The I-Man, however, is remarkably reserved.  He has to be, as Laurie appears to be such a sweet, lovely, doe-eyed innocent. It would be like taking a baseball bat to Bambi’s kneecaps.

    LAURIE PUHN…DOE-EYED INNOCENT

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The I-Man reads Bernie Goldberg’s letter.  Mr. Goldberg suggests that we are pansies because we haven’t climbed over the desk to Jack the Boss’ Jaw.  Bernie…keep watching.  It’s coming.  Just not this week, because we need him to promote our gig at the Paramount Theater in Rutland, Vermont, this Saturday night.  (802 775-0905)  We are not Pansies.  We are merely sycophants with kids whom we need to put through college.

    “YOU TALKIN’ TO ME?  YOU TALKIN’ TO…ME?  WELL…I’M THE ONLY ONE HERE…”

    7:20:40 a.m. – We are shocked to find that Mr. Goldberg’s Email to Imus has affected our fearless leader deeply.  He has experienced an Electronic Epistle Epiphany.  He has come to the realization that people aren’t aware that he’s not serious when he says certain things..  and that, it’s his responsibility to do so.  Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa…wait a second.  This beady eyed little sycophant tosses off a snitty note to the Boss, and now it’s Mea Culpa time?  If we had only known…we would’ve been writing letters like that every week and putting Bernie’s name on them.  We’re not sure we like this new ‘Kinder Gentler’ I-Man.  But then again, there’s still time for the other shoe to drop.  The over/under on the 180 is 6 AM tomorrow morning, when it will be… “You know, when you get to thinking about it… F&^K that MOTHERFf#$% ER!”  (And he will mean business…with the ER)

    APPARENTLY, T-PAIN CAME TO THE I-MAN IN A VISION WITH THE FOLLOWING WORDS OF WISDOM:

    “I’M THE MAN IN HERE…YOU BETTER CALM THE F^&% DOWN.”

    7:38:16 a.m. –  ‘Blonde on Blonde’.  Or as we like to call it, “Peroxide Water Torture”.  The ladies discuss, among other things, whether or not they would breast feed a puppy.  Lis, surprisingly says she wouldn’t…you’d think she’d welcome the attention.  But Deirdre says, unequivocally, that she would.  Then again…there’s not much difference between the I-Man and a Puppy.  Neither one of them will pee where you want them to…and Mrs. Imus has to put newspaper down for both.

    “HEY.  TELL THE OLD BASTARD NOT TO MARK MY TERRITORY.  THIS SPOT IS MINE!”

    8:05:02 a.m. – The I-Man wants to make it clear that his discussion about Race with Charles Barkley wasn’t an attempt for him to appear like he’s a ‘Cool White Guy’.  Which is comforting to us, because there isn’t ANYTHING the Boss could ever do to make him a ‘Cool White Guy’.  He had observed to Mr. Barkley that, in his opinion, that nothing has changed much since Selma.  Which is, in some respects, is somewhat true.  For example, you’d think after Rosa Parks, the I-Man wouldn’t have to sit in the back of the limo.

    IMUS? HE’S A COOL WHITE GUY. ACTUALLY, THAT OLD MOTHERF%$KA IS ALWAYS COLD.     (‘KA’)

    8:17:34 a.m. – Joseph Abboud has now texted the Boss, in a pathetic attempt to maintain relevancy, “You’ve hurt MY feelings for 20 years, you Son of a Bitch!  I’m a designer, and I’m sensitive!”  Designer?  Wow.  Now you’ve hurt OUR feelings.

    THANKS FOR THIS ONE, JOE:  A LEISURE SUIT OF A FABRIC AND COLOR, NEITHER OF WHICH, ARE FOUND IN NATURE

    8:38:37 a.m. – K.T. McFarland is on.  We’re huge fans, and, truth be told, we have  little bit of a crush on her…we’d love to send her a Valentine, but…what do you give the woman who knows the combination to the Nuclear Football…and can have you Fed Exed to Gitmo for a parking ticket?  Imus uses the appearance of this brilliant expert on National Security to ask her what anyone living in this violence-laden environment of terrorism:  “Did you watch the Beatles thing the other night?”  KT says she has.  When asked which one was her favorite Beatle, we were, somewhat surprised to find out it was Murray the K.

    MURRAY THE K,  THEN… AND NOW.  WELL, NOT NOW…AS HE’S CURRENTLY THE ‘THIRD’ BEATLE, IF YOU GET OUR DRIFT.  BUT FROM THE ABOVE PHOTO ON THE RIGHT, YOU GET A PRETTY GOOD IDEA WHY HE WORE THE HAT

    9:05:10 a.m. – Imus goes on the ‘Strawberry Tirade’ again.  Jesus, is there anything worse than an old fruit going on about…fruit?

    OKAY.  SO IT’S $19.95…BUT…FOR HOW MANY?  AND THEN, FOR 10 BUCKS DO WE GET TWICE OF THIS MANY?  BUT THEN CAN WE TAKE THE 40% OFF?  BECAUSE THE WAY THE SPOT READS…BY THE TIME WE’RE DONE ORDERING, THEY’LL OWE US MONEY

     

    IT JUST SEEMS LIKE HE’S BEEN GOING ON ABOUT IT THAT LONG…

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    ‘ER’ OR ‘A’?

    YOU BE THE JUDGE:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0s_wZgxA7s 

     

    Monday
    Feb102014

    You Decide Who's Wearing a Wig

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man is loving the Olympics, especially the Figure Skating events, which are being covered by Scott Hamilton.  He speaks with Bismarck, our Official Gay Makeup person on the program, and asks what he thinks of the events, especially the Mens’ Ice Dancing:  “There’s gay…and then there’s ‘Johnny Weir’ gay.”  We didn’t know there were shades of Gay Grey.

     

    WAIT A MINUTE…JOHNNY WEIR IS GAY??????

    6:06:12 a.m. –  Connell reads a story about Caffeine consumption.  Apparently even pre-schoolers are getting their fix.  Nothing like a 3 year old after a triple Espresso.

    “OKAY, I’M GOING TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU AGAIN…BUT FOR THE LAST TIME…NOW WATCH MY LIPS, I WANT A VENTI MOCCACHINO…AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!!!  GET GOING BITCH! AND FIND ME A BARRISTA WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH!!!!”

    6:40:46 a.m. – Bo Monday, and today, Mr. Dietl is concerned that China will be taking over the world…and that we’ll all be speaking Mandarin.  We would think he’s just being a little paranoid…but he’s got notes.  He’s done research.  Which leads us to believe that, perhaps, we should get used to the taste of rice very soon.

    YEAH, FRANCE ONCE LAUGHED AT BO TOO.  THEY THOUGHT HE WAS ‘LE CRAZY’.  

    AND…LOOK WHAT HAPPENED

    7:05:15 a.m. –  “I have to look at the new studio today.”  The I-Man explains the reason for his bringing his oxygen tank with him.  He immediately covers his mouth with both hands like “Speak No Evil”  He’s said something he wasn’t supposed to.  New studio?  WHAT new studio?  Is he selling the Penthouse?  Or is Deirdre kicking him out and he has to rent a ‘Bachelor Pad’?  We are determined to get to the bottom of this…

    “THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL UNIT…ALL WOOD FLOORS, NEAR THE SCHOOLS, JUST A HALF A BLOCK FROM PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION, GREAT SUNLIGHT, SOUTHERN EXPOSURE…IT’S A STEAL.  IS THE FACT THAT IT’S A 5TH FLOOR WALK UP A PROBLEM?”

    7:17:15 a.m. –  We discover that the I-Man’s oxygen tank is dangerously close to his space heaters.  He is under the false assumption that it takes an open flame for it to be an explosion risk.  Dagen Googles the situation, and informs us that ‘Space Heaters are at the top of the list right underneath Camp Fire and Acetylene Torch’ in terms of the danger.  He has Tony take it away.  We can’t help but notice Mr. Powell kinking the hose.

    IT’S A GOOD THING THOSE TIBETAN MONKS SHOWED UP

    WITH THAT FIRE EXTINGUISHER, I-MAN

    7:28:16 a.m. –  The Boss is concerned with the possibility that Keith Urban may be wearing a wig. Between Bernard’s observation, and Dagen’s research with a celebrity Hair Stylist, the preponderance of evidence suggests that the Aussie Country Singer is, in fact, going ‘Full On Luntz’.  We are examining ‘Before’ and ‘After’ photos.

    KEITH URBAN.  IF HE BOUGHT THE HAIR ON THE RIGHT, HE’S DUE A MAJOR REFUND

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Laura Ingraham is on, and the I-Man uses her as an expert on the conditions in Sochi, because she adopted two Russian children.  That’s like asking Woody Allen about Chinese Food because he’s married to Soon Yi.

    WOODY, IN BED WITH HIS FAVORITE ‘TAKE OUT’ :

    “SUM YOUNG GAL”

    8:05:02 a.m. – Geraldo is a surprise guest this morning, to comment on his blowout with Bill O’Reilly last Friday.  He goes on about how O’Reilly, regardless of his opinions about the President, needed to give the office of the President the respect required.  And then spends the rest of his time on the air to kiss the I-Man’s ass so fervently, we’re surprised he didn’t break his nose again…as far up the Boss’ sphincter as he placed it.  Good news is, Imus doesn’t have to go to Dr. Katz for his monthly prostate exam.  Geraldo said it’s ‘A-Okay’.

    “HEY, I-MAN…I NEED TO LOOK UP THERE AGAIN, I THINK I LOST MY WATCH.”

    8:17:34 a.m. – The Boss asks Warner to weigh in on the Woody Allen/Dylan Farrow controversy.  Warner is impressed with Woody’s denial in The Times.  Imus takes umbrage with Woody’s phrase: ‘The heart wants what the heart wants.’  “Well put another quarter in the machine, Woody!  And he’s bitching about paying child support for Ronan because Mia Farrow claims it’s Frank Sinatra’s kid?”

    OLD BLUE EYES’ KID?  OR OLD FOUR EYES’ KID?

    RONAN (C) IS THE SPITTING IMAGE OF HIS FATHER (R)

    8:38:37 a.m. – Leif Babin is in, for no other reason than to make us feel inferior and inadequate as human beings.  The fact that we are actually considered in the same species is somewhat…specious.  He talks about his company, ‘Echelon Front’.  Well, Leif, we don’t care WHAT you do for a living.  As long as you don’t hurt us.

    WE THINK HE MIGHT BE A LITTLE INAPPROPRIATELY DRESSED TO ADDRESS YOUR NEXT BOARD MEETING BUT…YOU TELL HIM THAT.

    9:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man notes that our weatherman, “Dr.” Bill Evans, has had a cold for the past few weeks…sounding VERY nasal.  The I-Man is very sympathetic.  He had the same ‘cold’ for most of the 70’s….AND half the 80’s. 

    MAYBE YOU’D LIKE SOME ROBITUSSIN, DR. BILL?

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    TWO VERSIONS OF A CLASSIC

    YOU DECIDE WHO IS WEARING THE WIG

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUNxWax8WGs 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVbyWunzpzU 

    Friday
    Feb072014

    The Great Vince Gill is Here!

    6:05:20.am. – The Great Vince Gill is in to sing from his Bakersfield album. By the way you can get Gill’s deluxe version of Bakersfield at the Cracker Barrel restaurants. Imus mentions that he loves Cracker Barrel cheese. In fact he used eat it all of the time until he got cancer. Wait, that didn’t sound right. The cheese didn’t give I-Man cancer. In fact Cracker Barrel makes fine cheese blocks it’s just that the I-Man no longer eats processed foods since his diagnosis. So by all means feel free to buy a block of Cracker Barrel, and cut the cheese.  We be loving us some Vince Gill. His humanity matches his talent. He’s as great a human being as he is an artist. They say that the bigger they are the nicer they are. Vince, Lyle Lovett, Jerry Weintraub, Don Im….well…um..That Vince sure is a nice guy.

     

    6:06:10 a.m. – Rob is still recuperating from the unfortunate sheet cake accident. (See yesterday’s blog). He feels great.  Why wouldn’t he. Three square meals, snacks, and all of the ice cream he can eat. Unless the hospital wises up, it may be weeks before we see him. They’re keeping him for observation. Naturally Rob took the opportunity to use his captive audience to do his Leno impressions, and the highly regarded Dogs At A Cocktail Party. They say American healthcare sucks. Sure does if you are a nurse. They have to give Rob a sponge bath.

    Thank Yewwww Buh Bye Thank Yewwwww. Yes I get it

    Mr. Bartlett. I’m Gonna Need Some Help!

    6:19:28a.m. – Warner is still in rehab so Gunz is sitting in for the sports legend. Coincidentally our stage manager Nat Candido is subbing for Warner in Today’s Vinnie From Queens. Gunz, and Nat filling in for Warner? The Wolfman must be ready to hang himself. “Cmawn Dog. If you had Gunzelman and Candido …you lost” . It seems that Gunz is the one who got into the box wine this morning. During his sports report he mentioned some of the events taking place tonight in the Sochi Olympics including the Big Shalom. The what?? Um…Gunz, don’t you mean the Big Slalom? Jesus. We think the hair care products are starting to seep into your brain. What’s next? The 5000 Meter Bris?

    Hold Still Little Fella You’re Going To Feel A Slight Prick 

    6:40:15 a.m. – Mike Baker is our guest. Baker says that he too be loving some Vince Gill. Baker is on to discuss the security efforts, and concerns at the Olympics. Mike is on the phone this morning. He claims that he’s in Idaho with his kids, but we can just barely hear some Russian being spoken in the background. He did mention his little girl. Maybe the two of them are shopping for those cute Russian nesting dolls at a store in “Idaho” that just happens to specialize in Russian specialties.  Somehow we get the impression that Baker is racking up some Aeroflot frequent flyer miles.

    It Was Short Notice Mr. Baker But I’ve Got The Things You Requested. Russian Nesting Dolls? Dammit! I Knew There Was Something I Forgot

     

    7:07:14 a.m. – The closer we get to the Vinnie From Queens segment the more nervous Nat gets. He’s sweating like a Tourette’s sufferer on Jeopardy. He thought that trying to get the I-Man’s dual heaters adjusted was nerve racking. Granted trying to place two space heaters close enough to the I-Man to keep him warm, but not so hot that he’ll look like beef jerky in a cowboy hat is difficult. Besides, nobody wants to smell the I-Man slow roasting. Nat, however is a big fan of Slim Jims, He brings them to the Mets games, so he’s clearly  more comfortable  with jerky than he is with the upcoming  Vinnie segment.

    The Mets Are Going To The Series This Year!! WTF?? We Think He’s Better Suited For The Mensa Meeting.

    7:38:16 a.m. – As we begin the Vinnie From Queens segment we get breaking news that longtime WPLJ morning radio host, and New York Radio institution Scott Shannon will no longer be broadcasting with his longtime morning radio partner Todd Pettengill. Shannon broke the news to our local weatherman Dr. Bill Evans who currently does weather for this program, and apparently for Scott Todd’s program for over twenty years. We assume that Shannon needed to know what type of weather gear has room for the knife in your back (more on that later). We learn that Nat Candido was great as himself on Vinnie from Queens. Upon hearing that Rob had a seizure, and the hospital crash team was called.

    Mr. Bartlett Don’t Go In To The Light…..By The Way I Loved You In More To Love……Mr. Bartlett??? Get The Paddles

    8:05:02 a.m. – The I-Man has some tough love for Rob. It was stern, but touching. Clearly the I-Man loves Rob. Imus calls Rob one of the most remarkably talented people he has ever met. He reminds Rob that even if he cares nothing for himself then he needs to get his act together for the people that love, and depend on him. Wow! Even Tony is moved. He too wants Rob to get his act together. We have a gig together next week at The Paramount Theater in Rutland Vermont Saturday February 15. The Stupid Cupid show. What? Yea I know it’s a shameless plug but, why should I suffer just because the fat motherf**ker is in the hospital? Um…I mean.. uh…get well soon brother. Then again….if he doesn’t show up…. I don’t have to split the money. I’m strangely conflicted.

    No I’m Not Doing The Wheel Of Jordan So That you Can Get Your Cut!

    8:36:40 a.m. –  Vince Gill and the brilliant Paul Franklin serenade us. What’s better than Vince, and Paul in a private concert unplugged? Nothing! Holy smokes this guy is good. Tony is actually inclined to voluntarily walk into a place called Cracker Barrel to purchase a limited edition copy of Bakersfield. Walking into a barrel of crackers is not something Tony takes lightly.

    Look I just Want A Copy Of Bakersfield And Some Hash Browns To Go

    9:06:12 a.m. – The Scott Shannon mystery deepens. It seems old Todd already had his new morning radio team in place. Well that was lucky. You never know when you’ll need a new morning radio team ready, and raring to go. That must’ve made for a really awkward contract negotiation for Scott Shannon. “Oh really? I’m Scott f**king Shannon. I made my bones in this town when you were banging cheerleaders. Do you people think Todd and I can’t take our morning show anywhere, and get twice what you’re paying? We’re not going to stand for this right Todd? Todd??? Hey you disloyal @#$%^ where are you going?

    Jesus! The Next Thing You’ll Be Telling Me Is That You Slept With My Wife. Um…Scott We Need To Talk

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    We Really Don’t Know What happened at WPLJ but we think these clips might not be that far off

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lv00uh1XsHs

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Weaop_aiTg

    Thursday
    Feb062014

    How Stars Are Made

    6:05:10 a.m. –   Rob isn’t in this morning. He’s had a health emergency. No he didn’t collapse again in the parking lot driveway due to an embolism. No he didn’t pass out in a New Jersey Turnpike rest stop bathroom again due to dehydration. Rob suffered a severe head wound. Not like a combat kind of severe head wound. Rob bit his tongue eating a sheet cake. What? It happens especially if you’re eating while driving to work on New York’s pot holed filled streets. Damn these winter storms.

    Rob proved to be a cautionary tale. There was a time when this man would’ve taken these pies to go

    6:10:20.am. –Gunz reads a sports story about snowboarding champion Shaun White. White recently withdrew from slope style event citing a wrist injury. His Canadian competitors are calling him out. “Hey Shaun you’re a p*ssy eh”. These Canucks say that White is scared to compete because he knows that he’ll lose against them. Jesus Shaun! When you let Canadians call you a p*ssy you’ve reached rock bottom. That’s like being asked to step outside by Stephen Hawking.

    We Will Open Up A Can Of Canadian Whupass Eh

    6:14:28a.m. – The same snow, and ice that caused Rob to bite his tongue has also made it difficult for The I-Man to go into the talent entrance of the Fox studios on 48th street. The I-Man made Brant drive around the block a few times to find another way into the building. Finally he discovered another entrance on 6th Avenue. Apparently it was the main entrance. You know the one where the name of the building, the flags, the building number, and all those revolving doors are. The only thing missing was a giant flashing arrow.

    If only there was way to get in there. Perhaps those strange revolving things in the front

    6:17:46 a.m. – Connell reads a report about Philip Seymour Hoffman’s autopsy report. The report was inconclusive. Well that makes sen…..Wait a minute. WTF? Inconclusive? They found a f**king needle in his arm! They found over 70 packets of Heroin in his apartment. We’re going to go out on a limb here and say that he died of an overdose. This was the same coroner that said John Lennon died from lead poisoning.

    Who Knew Big Paul Castellano Had A Peanut Allergy

    6:40:15 a.m. –  Dick Cavett is on to discuss Tallulah Bankhead , however we convince him to discuss woody Allen instead. We learn that Woody never tapped that. Apparently Tallulah likes her men like she likes her coffee; hot, Black, and strong. Who knew? Our friend Dick seems to think that Woody is getting a raw deal. We just can’t get over the idea of a man named Dick, defending a man named Woody. It would be like Kitty Carlisle defending Pussy Riot.

    To Tell the Truth I was A Much Bigger Fan Of Pussy Riot’s Acoustic Stuff

    7:07:14 a.m. –  We learn that Lis Wiehl is subbing in for Gunz , who is subbing in for Warner, who is back in rehab. The good news is that there is no drop off in mental equivalency between Gunz and Lis. Lis is a Barnard College alum, and a Harvard Law graduate. Gunz eats paste. As we said, it’s a jump ball.

    Lis Struggled With Some Of The Mensa Topics

    7:38:16 a.m. –  The Mensa Meeting is on, or as we like to call it “Oh look it’s Lis, lets beat her like a baby seal Thursday.” She has become the Washington Generals of branded segments. The only thing missing is a bucket of confetti, and a yo-yo basketball. They discuss CVS’ decision to stop selling cigarettes, a subject that Deirdre is able to discuss calmly, and rationally. Who are we kidding? We may as well have asked her how she likes her steak.

    Finally Something That Both Gunz And Deirdre Agree On

    8:05:02 a.m. – As we continue to discuss whether Shaun White is just going to let these two Canadians diss his snowboarding skilz, Dagan reveals that not only is Shaun not a looker, but he’s also not a nice person. Apparently Shaun doesn’t like to hang out with the others in the professional snowboarder community. Why should he - they’re not winning like he is. These losers don’t have their own  snowboarding video games. We think Dagan secretly has the hots for Shaun White. In fact she probably has Shaun White pajamas. Yeah that’s right. Shaun White sells pajamas too. Your turn Canada.

    Haterz Gone Hate. Check Out The Jet. That’s Right Shaun White Is Rich Canadian Bitches. Yes I Referred To Myself In The Third Person Because I’m Rich!

    8:17:34 a.m. – Connell reads a news report about possible terror threats in Sochi. Apparently there is some ‘chatter” about the possible use of toothpaste tubes being used to hide explosives so they may actually confiscate toothpaste at the airport. Oh that’s great. You can’t flush the toilets. They are warning you not to let the brown water touch your face so you can’t shower, and now you will have stinking breath because you can’t brush your teeth. In other words you’ll be Al Roker for two weeks.  

    Um Al….There A Pack Of Tic Tacs In My Pocket. You Can Have The Whole Thing

    8:36:40 a.m. –  Fox Sports 1 personality Katie Nolan is on to talk sports with the I-Man. God she’s charming! We learn that she was discovered on the internet where she was posting funny news videos. She reveals that her videos only had a couple hundred views, but one of those views was by an executive at Fox Sports. That’s amazing. Katie has no idea how remarkable that is. There are two babes that fart in a bathtub that got 250 millions views, and agents won’t even return their calls. Then there’s the cat that plays the piano. He got 34 million views, and he’s opening for Dustin ”Screech” Diamond at the Chuckle Hut in Branson Missouri. Katie Nolan is the real deal.

    Sure She’s Great But Can She Play Great Balls of Fire

    9:06:12 a.m. – Gunz wants to know if Katie Nolan has a boyfriend as if he had a shot. At this point Gunz would settle for a handful of warm mud. In fact he has. Predictably the warm mud told Gunz to give it a call when hell freezes over. Gunz has now got Dr. Bill on speed dial. Canadian snowboarders have added Gunz to their list of losers.

    Hey Gunz, Good News

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    We wanted to show you how stars are made

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2m4E3dGGSOU

    Wednesday
    Feb052014

    Walking in a Winter Wonderland

    6:05:10 a.m. –   We all suck.  Imus goes down the line and brands us each with the ‘Suck’ designation.  We are united in our ‘Suckness’.  We embrace the Suckatation.  There is strength in numbers.  We ALL suck.  Except for Lou and Bernie.  Because they blow.

    DAGEN, CONNELL, ROB, TONY AND NAT

    6:06:12 a.m. –  O’Reilly wants his fans to go online and give him a grade for his interview with the President.  Given O’Reilly’s fans…we assume he’s going to be graded on the curve.

    WE GAVE HIM…AN ‘INCOMPLETE’

    6:10:20.am. – It is a miserable day in New York.  The second winter storm, in as many days, has left the streets and sidewalks of the city covered in ice.  We were worried that the I-Man might have slipped and fallen, and we know that he doesn’t have a ‘Life Alert’ button.  He used to, but they stopped answering his calls.  And to be honest, if you saw the Old Cowboy on the ground, would YOU stop?

    OOPS!!  IT’S SLIPPERY OUT HERE!

    6:14:28a.m. – Michael Riedel is a dead man.  Apparently, Poindexter has sent The I-Man a nasty email about Rob.  Imus is outraged.  HE can tell Rob he sucks…because he’s family.  But not some beady-eyed little loser who wasn’t man enough to show up for the Hollywood and Vine Segment this week, because he had to do his Ethel Merman impression for all the boys at the ski-lodge.  How hard is it to be the Theater Critic for the New York Post?  All he had to do was show he had more of a working knowledge of Judy Garland than David Guest.  The guy who sprays the shoes in the bowling alley has to be more skillful at his job than ol’ Shelly Showtunes over here.  Michael obviously has a Napoleonic Complex…he’s not short but he IS cream filled.  And he suffers from penis envy.  If God was going to give humanity an enema, He’d stick the hose in Riedel.  And he’d probably enjoy it.  Nobody likes this Dickweed.  Except for Elaine Stritch.  Who is so old, her vibrator has a hand crank. 

    MICHAEL RIEDEL TRICK OR TREATING LAST HALLOWEEN ON SHUBERT ALLEY DRESSED AS JUSTIN BIEBER

    6:40:46 a.m. – Stuart Varney is on to discuss how much Obama sucks.  Join the club, Mr. President, join the club. 

    THE HOOVER BARACK 5000.  DOESN’T QUITE SUCK AS MUCH AS THE BRITISH MODEL,

    THE VARNEY ‘BIG SUCK’ DUSTMASTER

    7:05:15 a.m. –  The I-Man chastises Dagen for being mean to Imogen yesterday.  What did he THINK was going to happen?  That’s why you don’t let your poodle swim in a Shark Tank.  You don’t let your gerbil play with your pet python.  Unless you’re Riedel.

    “ARE YOU SURE YOU SWALLOWED MY KEYS?”  “OH THEY’RE IN THERE…KEEP LOOKING.”

    7:07:14 a.m. –  Syrians have opened a Fast Food restaurant in Detroit called ‘The Bomb’.  Yeah.  “I would like the Jihad Shake, the Fatwah Fries…and a Suicide Burger…obviously, that’s all to go.”

     THIS ISN’T THE UNIFORM FOR PEOPLE WORKING AT ‘THE BOMB’.

    IT’S THE PRIZE IN THE HAPPY  MEAL

    7:38:16 a.m. –  Just as the I-Man suggested, we took notes during ‘Blonde on Blonde’.  No. 1:  Turn the sound all the way down.

    DEIRDRE AND LIS IN THE GREENROOM KITCHEN.  YOU’D RATHER DRINK GTC CLEANING LIQUID THAN EAT THE ‘SNACKS’ DEIRDRE PREPARED FOR THE SUPER BOWL

    7:42:08 a.m. –  One of the topics being discussed is the revelation that Columbia and Barnard students made a feminist porno movie at the Columbia Library.  Columbia is Lis’ Alma Mater.  “What did you do when you went there?” Deirdre asks.  “How did you protest against anti-feminism?  Did YOU make a porn movie?”  Well, yes, in fact, she did.  75 years ago when she was a Junior.  It was called ‘Wiehl’s on Fire’.

    LIS ON THE SET OF HER COLUMBIA PORN MOVIE

    8:05:02 a.m. – We get a ‘Double Dose’ of Divas!   The Blondes are called back to the studio to discuss the breaking news that CVS is going to discontinue the sale of tobacco products.  This DELIGHTS Deirdre.  “It only took 40 years!”  We agree. It’s a great idea. Because it frees up shelf space for weed.

    “LEMME GET A LID OF PURPLE HAZE KUSH…A NICKEL BAG OF CALIFORNIA SKUNK, AND A PACK O’ LUCKIES…WHAT?  NO CIGARETTES?  OKAY, THEN MAKE IT A BAG OF CHEESE DOODLES AND A PINT OF CHERRY GARCIA.”

    8:17:34 a.m. – Geraldo Rivera is coming up and we all share some serious ‘Man-Love’ for him.  He’s grown a beard, and now resembles the ‘World’s Most Interesting Man’ in the Dos Equis Commercials.  Handsome, yes.  Interesting?  Not so fast.

    “I DON’T ALWAYS DRINK BEER. BUT WHEN I DO, I TAKE SELFIES OF ME SMOKING A CIGAR.”

    8:20:40 a.m. –  There are no pillows in Sochi.  You can’t flush the toilets.  There are stray dogs wandering the streets.  Sounds like a Carnival Cruise.  Except, instead of the stray dogs, it’s packs of wandering, smelly, fat tourists in Hawaiian Shirts. 

    THE LIFEGUARD “TOWER” BY THE POOL AT THE SOCHI FOUR SEASONS

    8:38:10 a.m. –  Geraldo Rivera is on to discuss O’Reilly’s interview among other things, including the hideous Woody Allen story.  Geraldo is still angry with the Woodman for not inviting him to his New Years’ Eve Party in 1972, which, the I-Man says, is no surprise, considering what Geraldo’s behavior was like in 1972…and Woody probably didn’t have enough interns to go around.  We can’t help ourselves from staring at Geraldo who is live, via satellite.  He does look ‘Extra Dreamy’ with the beard.  Good thing Riedel isn’t here.  He’d spontaneously combust. 

    YEAH, BABY.  THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT.  YOU CAN OPEN MY VAULT ANY DAY!

    9:06:12 a.m. – Bigfoot plays a tape of Don Felder’s appearance on Fox n’ Fiends yesterday, in which, he sang ‘Hotel California’.  Now we have a pretty good idea why the Eagles fired him.  When he gets to the part about, “…this could be heaven or this could be hell…” we’re pretty positive it’s the latter.  We are ready to sign the confession.  We don’t care to what…we just want it to stop. 

    FELDER WITH HIS LIPS WELDED SHUT.  JUST THE WAY WE LIKE HIM.

    9:11:22 a.m. – Deirdre emails the I-Man, and comments on how icy it is outside the Fox Studios…and offers to come back to help the Boss get to the car.  We guess she’s going to carry him, just like she did over the threshold on their wedding night. At least we THINK it’s a thoughtful gesture out of concern for his safety.  Or…she’s outside now spraying organic sunflower oil on the walkway.

    “WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING, DEIRDRE?  YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?”

     

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    WALKING IN THIS WINTER WONDERLAND…

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fbb3631ew_4