6:05:06 a.m. – Yesterday was not a good day, according to the I-Man. First, the smoke from THREE separate forest fires is making the already difficult process of his drawing breath that much more complicated; Wyatt was complaining that his father ‘SUCKS’ as a Rodeo Coach, and, as if that wasn’t enough, when commenting to his wife about how he thinks his hair has gotten ‘wiry’, Deirdre did a wig out on The Boss. “IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!!!!” she screams. She’s known Imus for over 20 years…and she’s JUST NOW figured that out?
THE COUPLE IN ‘HAPPIER TIMES’ THE I-MAN LOOKS PARTICULARLY HAPPY…THE KIND OF HAPPY THAT YOU FIND IN THE BACK OF A ‘SHORT BUS’. JESUS, PUSH THAT HAT UP, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE ABOUT TO EAT PASTE
6:11:22 a.m. – Glen, a cameraman out at the Ranch, says that one of the forest fires is pretty close to Ribera…about “Eight miles as the crow flies.” Which, traditionally, is a Crow’s preferred method of transportation. However, the fires would be about “Eleven miles, as the crow drives.” But, if the crow were riding in the back of a limo driven by Brant, it would seem to be about 368 miles away, and take a day and a half to reach.
HOW FAR WOULD IT BE AS SHERYL CROW DRIVES?
6:17:58 a.m. – Warner shares a ‘Turkey Story’. Of course, only Warner would actually HAVE a ‘Turkey Story’. It involves the ancient Turkish city Ephesus, where there were outdoor commodes festooned with…marble toilet seats. Of course, as they were exposed to the elements, said seats were, understandably, quite ‘chilly’. This situation created a need for a very specific job position: ‘Toilet Seat Warmer’. We realize that everybody needs to start ‘At the bottom.’ But serving as an actual ‘Bottom’, really would be considered an ‘entry level position’. This, of course, begs the question: “Who were the guys who WEREN’T experienced enough to get this particular job?”
THIS GUY MAY ACTUALLY BE OVERQUALIFIED
6:40:18 a.m. – Mike Baker, former Covert Op for the C.I.A., is on from Idaho. Why Idaho, you ask? Well, we don’t think it has to do with his fondness for potatoes. We suspect that the supposedly ‘Whereabouts Unknown’ Edward Snowden, the NSA Whistleblower, may have been sighted somewhere near Boise. The I-Man asks Mike what his plans are for the day…there at the ‘compound’. Baker replies, “Nothing…just a couple of interrogations…and then I have to reset the mines.”
SOMEWHERE IN THE ‘RED ZONE’, ARE ED SNOWDEN AND MIKE BAKER. ONLY ONE OF THEM, HOWEVER, WILL BE RETURNING FROM THE AREA
7:07:58 a.m. – In discussing the Miami Heat’s Chris Bosh’s poor performance at the NBA Finals game last night, Imus wonders if Mr. Bosh’s shooting trouble is due to his somewhat fragile mental state, given Lil’ Wayne’s assertion that he ‘Hit that’…the ‘that’ being Bosh’s wife. The other possibility is the fact that Bosh is a six foot eleven inch Center, who wishes he were a clean seven feet. Imus asks the four foot eleven Warner Wolf, “If you’re six eleven, wouldn’t you want to be seven feet?” Warner’s expert take? “I think that one inch makes a difference.” We assume the Wolfman is talking about the height, and not…um…Mr. Bosh’s…length.
IN POINT OF FACT, WE THINK IT MAY BE THOSE PANTS LIL’ WAYNE IS WEARING THAT ARE BREAKING CHRIS BOSH’S CONCENTRATION
7:20:13 a.m. – Warner has Bigfoot roll a clip of National Intelligence Director James Clapper answering a question from Oregon Senator Ron Wyden in front of a Senate Sub-Committee about the NSA spying on Americans. The F.B.I. course that Warner took about this very subject taught him that the three telltale signs that a person is lying are ‘Eyes cast downward’, ‘Unsure of hand placement’, and ‘Immediately Changing Answers From Previously Made Statements’. And, in the clip, Clapper displays EVERY SINGLE ONE of these signs. In fact, his answering the question could EASILY be used to demonstrate the F.B.I. profiling technique.
UM…DIRECTOR CLAPPER? LOOK UP, BRO. AND YOU MIGHT WANT TO HOLD A PEN OR SOMETHING SO IT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO PULL THE TRUTH OUT OF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD
7:39:17 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde. Or, as we like to call it, “A Coupla White Girls, Sitting Around Arguing About NOTHING.” One of the topics up for discussion today, incredulously, is PLACENTA EATING. Really? PLACENTA EATING? We’re trying to have breakfast. We’re actually surprised that Deirdre is in favor of placenta eating. Which we find ironic, as it’s not vegan. Let’s get this straight…she won’t even THINK of eating a Bacon Cheeseburger…but the organ that separates a fetus from the uterine wall…that’s what she calls lunch? Well, never it be said that we are resistant to progressive ideas, in the interest of widening our horizons we offer the following recipe from ‘The Placenta Cookbook’.
Remove Placenta from fetus. Cut meat of 3/4 of the placenta into bite size pieces, then brown quickly in 1 tbl. butter plus 1 tbl. olive oil. Then add 1 large can tomato puree, 2 cans crushed pear tomatoes, 1 onion, 2 cloves of garlic, 1 tbl. molasses, 1 bay leaf, 1 tbl. rosemary, 1 tsp. ea. of salt, honey, oregano, basil, and fennel. Simmer 1 1/2 hours. Serve over Pasta, accompanied by an ice cold glass of Mother’s Milk.
EXCUSE US, BUT…WE HAVE TO GO URP NOW
8:05:34 a.m. – Imus mentions that James Carville was on O’Reilly last night and that Bill was ‘polite’ to Mary Matalin’s Old Man. Well, if you had Carville two feet away from you, you’d tread lightly too.
WHAT DID SHE EVER SEE IN HIM? WELL, ALL WE CAN SAY IS, THAT MUST’VE BEEN ONE HELLUVA RING THAT HE GAVE HER
8:06:45 a.m. – Dr. Bill Evans challenges the I-Man to a car race. The Meteorologist’s Subaru versus the Imus Custom Ford F-150. How ‘WeatherBoy’, actually thinks that his Rice Suckin’ $#*+-box Subaru is going to take a checkered flag away from 5586 pounds of Iconic, All-American, 311 Horse, 6.2 Liter, Detroit Steel…is anybody’s guess. He’ll be choking on V8 Exhaust worse than the I-Man is choking on the Forest Fire Smoke.
JAMES DEAN’S GOT SOME ADVICE FOR YA, DR. BILL:
“WATCH OUT FOR THE CLIFF”
8:40:17 A.M. - Frank Rich is on to speak to the aforementioned NSA Scandal, and it’s Frank’s contention that we all are aware that we are being spied on…for instance, you might notice that when you go to Google Search, the Pop Up ads for Penis Enlargement are an indication that ‘somebody’ is monitoring your Internet Research Habits. (Unless your wife has been using your computer without your knowledge, in which case, give the girl a break, she’s just trying to be ‘helpful’) Imus then asks Frank if he watched the Tonys the other night. Frank says he had to, as ‘Penance’ for his many years as the New York Times Theater Critic. Which, truth be told, COULD be the reason why when HE is on Google Search, there are Pop Ups for Assless Leather Chaps and Gladiator Movies.
“HONEY, HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER AGAIN?”
9:05:17 a.m. - The I-Man takes Rob and Tony to task for not ‘Getting with the program.’ All morning, he has wished Marv Albert a ‘Happy Birthday’, noting that Marv is 72 years of age today…but his hair is ‘6’. The two overpaid bastards did not laugh at the joke, as they had done the previous two times he told it. Of course, radio and television audiences for any morning show rotate approximately every twenty minutes, so there was a large part of the demographic who had not, as of yet, heard the joke. And, without Rob and Tony’s support, they might have been led to believe it was funny. They left the I-Man ‘Hanging’…yet again, screwing him…as they do nearly every chance they get. Rob, in a cheap attempt to get the Boss to plug his date at the New York Entertainment Club in Bellmore, Long Island on Saturday, June 22nd, (Tickets available at 516 785-4234) assures The Boss that the joke was indeed HILARIOUS, and he was deeply sorry for dropping the ball.
ROB: CLEARLY TELLING THE TRUTH
VIDEO OF THE DAY
From ‘COMING TO AMERICA’
Eddie Murphy Is ‘Left Hanging’, Not Unlike the I-Man