6:05:00 A.M. – The I-Man comments on one of the moderators of tonight’s Fox Business: Neil Cavuto. “Boy got a big head, and there’s a lot of stuff in it.” We envision Neil on a dock like in Jaws where they pull the shark out of the water and open its belly and all that junk falls out of it. We hope Neil’s head has more than dead fish and license plates in it.
NEIL CAVUTO. HIS HEAD IS SO BIG…BECAUSE IT’S SO FULL OF DREAMS
6:08:56 A.M. – Warner does a story about the new doping scandal involving Russian Athletes. He then mentions a Russian Female Discus Thrower, Maria Ouspenskaya and plays a clip of her speaking. She sounds suspiciously a lot like…Barry White.
MARIA HAS QUITE AN ARM. ALMOST AS BIG AS HER PENIS
6:15:44 A.M. – At a press conference, Jeb Bush was asked the question that the New York Times magazine posted to its online readers: If you were able to travel through time, could you kill a Baby Hitler? Jeb’s answer? “Hell yeah.” Which also happens to be Warner’s answer. Hitler, interestingly enough, would not. Although if he could Time-Travel he’d go into the future to kill a baby Lee Harvey Oswald.
“MOMMY? WHAT IS THAT SHORT MAN DOING WIT THAT GUN?”
6:40:27 A.M. – NY Jets Kicker, Nick Folk, will be out for 6 weeks because he strained his leg during warmups before the game. The I-Man is incredulous at how a guy who makes his living by kicking could hurt his leg. “They ought to cut him.” He declares, “Not from the team, actually CUT him.” Somebody call Ben Carson. He’s got a knife.
QUICK! LOOK BEHIND YOU, NICK!
7:05:37 A.M. – Today is the Marine Corps Birthday. “You know, I was a Marine” the I-Man brags. Yes. But so was Lee Harvey Oswald.
HMMMM. LOOKS FAMILIAR.
7:08:16 A.M. – The I-Man wants to know if Curtis wears the Red Beret ALL the time. Yes. He does. Even when he gets his prostate checked.
IT LOOKS LIKE CURTIS MAY BE ENJOYING THIS A BIT TOO MUCH
7:15:36 A.M. – Imus bemoans the fact that debates haven’t changed much since the Lincoln/Douglas debate. To which, the I-Man can attest, as he was there selling T-Shirts.
“CHECK ‘EM OUT…ABE & STEVE DEBATE SHIRTS! 100% COTTON, PRE-SHRUNK!”
7:39:16 A.M. – HOLLYWOOD & VINE and the only original member of the panel is Deirdre, as Gunz is filling in for Imogen Lloyd Weber, and, taking the place of Michael Riedel, Curtis Sliwa. The first part of the segment is a Matchmaking one, with Don and Deirdre playing cupid…trying to set up Lis and Curtis. The Beret Wearing Beefcake makes it known that he wants be Lis’ Guardian Angel and Patrol her ‘Subway’ But unlike the IRT, he won’t need a Metrocard to gain entry.
WE’RE NOT SUGGESTING THAT LIS’ HAS BEEN AROUND MORE TIME THAN A…
7:40:16 A.M. – Deirdre is incensed at Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani’s Love Affair, as both were previously married, and she suspects they were running around before either of them was divorced. We think they’re both innocent as Donnie and Marie, as…he’s just a little bit country…and she’s a little bit rock n’ roll.
‘BLAKIE’ & GWEN-IE’
7:42:09 A.M. – Curtis admits that, although he usually HATES Spike Lee, he LOVES the idea of the new movie, an update of Greek Playwright Aristophanes’ ‘Lysistrata’, in which, all the women of a village refuse to have sex with their men, until they put down their shields and swords, and stop having wars. Apparently, it involves all the women of a violent Chicago Neighborhood attempting to stop the men from shooting each other by withholding the ‘Poontang’. We appreciate Curtis using the Medical Term.
MAYBE IT’S US…BUT IT DOESN’T APPEAR THAT IT WOULD BE ALL THAT DIFFICULT TO REMAIN CELIBATE IN THIS PARTICULAR VILLAGE
7:44:16 A.M. – Gunz is incredulous at the ‘Backstage Experience’ being offered on the Demi Lovato / Nick Jonas Tour. For only 10 thousand dollars, you can hang in the dressing room and take selfies with the Pop Duo. The special "Ultimate VIP Dressing Room" package – which allows 4 guests access to a private backstage dressing room (with rider – no green M&Ms), includes a backstage tour, dinner, a meet and greet with Lovato and Jonas, special photos and exclusive gear. But if you want to see the actual concert, however, you’ll need to purchase separate tickets as they are not included. And we wonder why the rest of the world hates us.
HERE’S AN IDEA: HOW ABOUT WE SAVE $9,990 AND JUST BURN A $10 BILL IN THE STREET?
8:05:11 A.M. – “This is UNBELIEVABLE.” We know that when the I-Man comes back from a commercial break, those words mean somebody’s day is about to be ruined. He complains that Deirdre, who has yet to thank him for effectively providing her the freedom to do whatever she wants, is texting Lis on her cellphone instead of getting him some cereal. You’d think that, her knowing that before she was born, the Boss was in a Rice Paddy, taking on Charlie…by playing the Bugle, (ESPECIALLY today, the U.S. Marines Birthday) she’d have a little gratitude. But he seems to forget that his service to our country is what has provided Deirdre with the very freedom to refuse to wait on him.
THE FEW, THE PROUD…THE STUPID.
8:15:43 A.M. – “Ben Carson is insane.” The I-Man…really going out on a limb with a statement like that…
NAH…HE’S COMPLETELY SANE
8:40:43 A.M. – After some more technical difficulties…Senator John McCain phones in to promote his book THIRTEEN SOLDIERS – A PERSONAL HISTORY OF AMERICANS AT WAR. And, like the total professional he is, the decorated Naval Pilot opens with a joke: “I tried to get into the Marine Corps…but my parents were married.” Boom! Thank you, you’re beautiful…don’t forget to tip your waitresses.
“I DON’T WANT TO OFFEND YOU…BUT YOU’RE THE WORST CROWD I’VE EVER SEEN. THIS IS THE MOST AWFUL EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE…AND I WAS TORTURED IN A VIETNAMESE CONCENTRATION CAMP FOR 6 YEARS…”
8:44:11 A.M. – Senator McCain’s book profiles some of the greatest soldiers in history. The I-Man asks the War Hero “Who was the greatest warrior ever?” There is no hesitation whatsoever: “Dwight David Eisenhower.” He’s certainly the most courageous there ever was…staying married to Mamie for 52 years until he croaked.
MAMIE EISENHOWER. INVENTOR OF THE ‘PRINCESS LEIA’ HAIRDO
VIDEO OF THE DAY
Are you inspired by the I-Man’s Service in the U.S. Marines?
Well then, this might be a career alternative for you.