6:05:10 a.m. – The Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association’s National Finals Rodeo begins tonight. That’s America, according to the I-Man, who laments that the organization is run by a ‘Bunch of Old Fools’. Who, apparently, are the ones watching it as well.
WE HOPE HE’S STILL ALIVE FOR THE SEMI-FINALS
6:07:14 a.m. – The Boss says that Matt Lauer in Skinny Jeans is the most repulsive, repugnant, physically unattractive person on the planet… and…Al Roker is just as revolting. Well, what can you say? When the I-Man is right, he’s right. The two Elephant Man Esque figures held court last night at the Rockefeller Center Tree Lighting. They do know a thing or two about trees…especially seeing how trolls usually live in them. They’d do better broadcasting from a bridge opening.
GRAB THE HAIR AND MAKE A WISH. UNFORTUNATELY, YOU CAN’T WISH FOR THEM TO GO AWAY
6:08:16 a.m. – The I-Man is not happy with his hair today, which is a change from every other day when everybody ELSE isn’t happy with his hair. He whines about it incessantly throughout the morning. So put your stupid cowboy hat on, that’s what it’s for.
A COWBOY HAT CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH. AS EVIDENCED HERE BY THIS PHOTO. BUT, HEY, AT LEAST HIS HAIR LOOKS OKAY.
6:38:08 a.m. – Bret Baier is asked what he will be watching this evening: Football? Or Peter Pan? Despite what you might assume, he says ‘Football.’ But we know the real story.
“I’LL NEVER GROW UP, NEVER GROW UP, NEVER GROW UH-UP! NOT ME!”
7:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man mentions that Deirdre is a huge fan of the artist Damien Hirst, and so he went to the Museum of Modern Art’s online shop and purchased a clock based on a Hirst print. For 500 dollars. He then had to suffer the taunting of both Mrs. Imus and the young Wy-Man, who forbade him from hanging it on the wall. Hirst is most famous for his ‘Shark in Formaldehyde’. No wonder Deirdre is such a huge fan. That’s her pet name for her husband.
WE DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ART, BUT WE DO KNOW WHAT WE LIKE…IMUS COULD HAVE STUCK A PAIR OF HANDS ON A ‘TWISTER’ MAT AND SAVED 499 BUCKS
THE ARTIST, DAMIEN HIRST, POSING HERE WITH HIS 1991 PIECE, “THE PHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITY OF DEATH IN THE MIND OF SOMEONE LIVING.” SOLD TO CONNECTICUT HEDGE FUND MANAGER STEVEN A. COHEN, FOR EIGHT MA MA MILLION DOLLARS. CONVERSELY, HIS “MOUSE IN A BOWL OF JELLO” ONLY WENT FOR 35 BUCKS
7:13:26 a.m. – Promoting the National Finals rodeo yet again, the I-Man says that “Cowboys built this country…and EVERYBODY wants to be a cowboy.” Especially down in the West Village.
7:18:36 a.m. – Imus gets a disturbing email from Michael Lynne, the Entertainment Lawyer, Motion Picture Mogul and Vintner. Mr. Lynne presents the I-Man with a bit of perspective. He says that the country is on the precipice of unprecedented racial divide, tens of thousands are dying of Ebola in Africa, The Middle East is on the verge of blowing up, and the Russians are flexing their nuclear muscles…while THE BOSS is worried about his hair. He wishes ill will on the sweet Mr. M.L. “I hope that the grapes at your winery turn into raisins and that half your art collection turns out to be forgeries” he snarls. We don’t have the heart to tell him that raisins make some of the finest Amarone in the world, and that ‘Hirst Clock’ he bought was finger-painted by a pre-school student.
WE WOULD WEAR A HAT TOO.
7:32:10 a.m. – THE MENSA MEETING takes on the very challenging, controversial topic, “Should Mayor DeBlasio Ban Horse-Drawn Carriages?” We’re not sure, let’s go to a press conference currently being held at the Plaza Hotel opposite Central Park.
“WHAT DO WE WANT? HAY! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? Now! I MEAN, YOU try pulling A WHOLE FAMILY of fat tourists around the park for an ENTIRE hour!”
8:07:14 a.m. – Arthur Aidala, having phoned in earlier, is now IN the studio. Nice. As he sits and pontificates, he’s got a client on Death Row waiting a call from the Governor, who flinches everytime the lights flicker. We discover that while Joe Tacopina is over in Europe, (He, along with a bunch of investors, have purchased a Soccer Team.) he is getting all of Tacopina’s clients. How unlike a lawyer to infringe upon a colleague’s livelihood. To be fair, Aidala is attempting to be as much like Tacopina as possible. So he’s purchased a Nets Jersey with Tacopina’s name on it, and is sporting a cheesy toupee.
ARTHUR TACOPINA…FOR THE DEFENSE
8:38:14 a.m. – Rodeo Legend, 8 time world champion, and I-Man Fave, Joe Beaver calls in to hype the National Finals Rodeo beginning tonight in Vegas. The I-Man tells everyone all the ways you may be able to watch it…including Dish Network, which, might not show it as there is some kind of dispute that has the Network threatening to pull it from their airwaves. The Dish Network. An entity that has around 8 subscribers. And even THEY don’t want to broadcast this thing. Joe then begins to tell us the name of EVERY SINGLE PARTICIPANT COMPETING OVER THE NEXT 10 DAYS…including, ‘Buckaroo’ the guy in the big pants and funny hat, and recent parolee, who will be hiding in the barrels trying to keep the bulls away from the cowboys. Which, provided he stays away from the kids, will, hopefully, be his steady gig for awhile.
“HELL, THEY WON’T EVEN LET ME BUY CANDY”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
A LITTLE TASTE OF WHY RODEO IS SO POPULAR
(AND WHY YOU HAVE NO REASON TO COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR JOB)
EIGHT SECONDS FEELS LIKE AN ETERNITY…