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    Tuesday
    Mar042014

    Yet Another Yukfest

    6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man reveals that Wyatt needed to explain the Ukraine Situation to him.  Pretty soon, Wyatt will need to explain to the Boss that the dog’s name is Virgil…and that his name is Wyatt…and that the woman in the kitchen making the organic Kale Loaf is…his daughter.

    HIS BRAIN ISN’T THE ONLY THING THAT’S SHRINKING

    6:16:12 a.m. –   Mike Breen sounds positively despondent after the lowly Pistons DESTROYED the Knicks.  We think we might have to put him on Suicide Watch, or at least get him to seek ‘Battered Fan’s’ Counseling. 

    ‘BILL FROM WHITE PLAINS’ ENTERS ‘KNICK REHAB’

    (NOTICE HE’S ALL ORANGE AND BLUE.  WELL, BLACK AND BLUE)

    6:40:46 a.m. –  Hip Hop Mogul and Fashion Magnate, Russell Simmons is on to discuss his new book about meditation…he does so 40 minutes a day, in two 20 minute segments…which is easy to do when you wipe yourself with 100 dollar bills.  He offers an easy mantra for folks who would like to attempt meditation:  “Rum….Rum…Rummmmm.”  Imus meditates every morning for 20 minutes when he first gets up as he’s done for the past 30 years.  The difference is, back in the 80’s, his mantra was ‘Vodka…vodka….vodka…’

    MAHARISHI IN THE MORNING

    7:05:15 a.m. –  “Does anybody look better after plastic surgery?”  the I-Man asks a philosophic question for us to ponder.  We offer the following list:  Jane Fonda.  Marilyn Monroe.  And any burn victim lucky enough to get a graft from Kenny Roger’s eye skin.

    MRS. CHUA SUNG KOONG, PRESIDENT OF THE THAILAND KENNY ROGERS FAN CLUB,                AT A RECENT ‘KENNYFEST’

    7:17:34 a.m. –   Happy 45th Birthday to Chaz Bono, who, sadly, is still waiting for his penis to come in.  Like Pinnochio, he wants to be a ‘Real Live Boy’.   And he wants his ‘Wood’ to be authentic.

    “SIT ON MY FACE AND I’LL TELL A LIE…AND THEN TELL THE TRUTH…AND THEN TELL A LIE…THEN THE TRUTH…”

    7:46:34 a.m. – Hollywood & Vine.  Reidel drops more names than Dick Cavett at Mort Sahl’s cocktail party.  No matter WHO is talked about, Reidel maintains that they are “A Friend of Mine”.   Which is different than a “Friend of Ours”, which would indicate they were ‘Made’.  For example… ‘A Friend of Mine’ is Stephen Sondheim.  ‘A Friend of Ours’, is Vinnie the Chin Gigante.  Although they both spend a lot of time stumbling around in a bathrobe, completely clueless.

            A ‘FRIEND OF OURS’                         ‘A FRIEND OF MINE’

    8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man says that reading Dan Jenkins’ ‘Semi-Tough’ was a seminal moment in his life.  Much like people remember the Kennedy Assassination, he remembers where he was when he read the first page of Mr. Jenkins’ hilarious novel…sitting on a bench in a parking garage across the street from NBC.  Where he would later return to sleep.  Which is pretty ‘Semi-Tough’ in its’ own right.

    THE I-MAN HAS ALWAYS LIKED TO READ BEFORE HE GOES TO SLEEP.  THE BOOK SERVES AS A MAKESHIFT PILLOW

    8:12:24 a.m. –  Imus says that Dan Jenkins has had an extraordinary life…and he’s still living it…unless something happens this morning.  Like he should happen to listen to Imus talk about Joe Beaver again…in which case Mr. Jenkins might sit in the bathtub and drop the hair dryer into the water.

    “EIGHT TIME WORLD CHAMPIONNNNNNNN…!”

    8:40:14 a.m. –  Dan Jenkins is on, and Imus acts like a school girl at a One Direction concert.  He has promoted Mr. Jenkins appearance all morning, and hyped him to be the greatest sportswriter of our time, and one of the funniest people on the planet.  Well, one out of two ain’t bad.  We assume it was just early in Texas.  Maybe you have to be drunk and coked up to really appreciate the inherent comedic genius of Dan Jenkins. 

    THE FUNNY SPORTSWRITERS MT. RUSHMORE

    (NOTICE HOW THE THREE GENTLEMEN TO MR. JENKINS’ RIGHT, GRANTLAND RICE,              HERBERT WIND AND BERNARD DARWIN… AREN’T LAUGHING)

    9:05:10 A.M. –  Imus acts surprised to learn that we did not find Mr. Jenkins the ‘Yukfest’ that he promised he would be.  We would say that he wasn’t even as funny as Ron White, but that would be a lie.  Dead Puppies are funnier than Ron White. Maybe we’re being overly critical, as we didn’t get a chance to meditate this morning.  The I-Man bristles at our assessment, and says that Jenkins is “…a writer!  He’s not going to be appearing at Caroline’s or the Ha Ha Hut.”  Dagen says that he couldn’t even hold court at Golden Corral Steakhouse. In other words, he’s not even ‘Denny’s Funny’.  We understand that being a writer is different than being a stand up comedian… well, perhaps he should write something down that is funny and we can read it.  Preferably on a bench in a Parking Lot in Rockefeller Center.   

    AND THERE’S AN ‘ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET’, TOO!

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

     

    PUPPETJI SHOWS US HOW WE CAN ACHIEVE “TRUEMEDITATION, EVEN IN THE CITY

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5Z_EoyO_F8

    Monday
    Mar032014

    What About Rob?

    6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man watched ‘The American’, the one-day, 2 Million Dollar rodeo, and said it was the best thing he’s ever seen on T.V.  And he saw Elvis and the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, The Moon Landings, and coverage of the French and Indian War.

    EVEN WITH MUSKET TO MUSKET COVERAGE, NBC STILL CAME IN THIRD

    6:06:12 a.m. –   Dagen listened to the Car Race on the radio.  ON THE RADIO.  Next thing you know, she’ll be tuning into shows with Mimes and Magicians.

    ‘BOBO’, THE MORNING MAN ON WSHH RADIO

    6:16:32 a.m. –   We learn that Joe Beaver did not use Wyatt’s Horse ‘Marconi’ at ‘The American’ yesterday, the 2 Million Dollar Rodeo.  Instead, he used Mike Arnold’s horse, ‘Luther’, who, the I-Man says, “Is older than I am.” Maybe if he’d used ‘Marconi’, he could’ve put up something better than a 9.6.

    WE DON’T KNOW WHY IT TOOK HIM SO LONG TO GET OFF, SEEING AS HOW CLOSE HIS FEET WERE TO THE GROUND.

    6:40:01 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on, and he says he saw ‘Gravity’ and it didn’t belong on the list of nominees for Best Picture, as he hates George Clooney.  He’s not in a good mood, as Scorcese screwed him on tickets to the Academy Awards last night.  He watched the show from his booth at Rao’s, where the other patrons are not too happy at Scorcese ‘Losing to that Mexican’.  However, when Cuaron’s name is announced , there is a huge cheer from the kitchen.

    BO ‘GRAVITATING’

    7:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man announces that we are going to have an ‘On Air Production Meeting’, which will be just like our usual Production Meetings, with all the violent threats intact, but with none of the foul language. 

    “LET ME TELL YOU MUDDLE FUDGERS, SOMETHING…IF YOU DON’T GET YOUR MELON FARMING SHEET TOGETHER, I’M GOING TO FORGING FIRE YOU!”

    7:12:15 a.m. –  It’s revealed that Warner, and his wife Sue, went to the French West Indies on vacation.  They spent the week in St. Bart’s where they participated in ‘Drunk Kayaking’.  Sue did some waterskiing, and Warner says she’s so good at it, she can hold the tow rope in her teeth.  Which is not something that Warner can do.

    THE LAST TIME WARNER WATERSKIIED, THESE WERE FISHED OUT OF THE WATER BY A JAPANESE TUNA TRAWLER

    7:25:50 a.m. –  The I-Man observes that his hair is getting too long, not an opinion shared by his Amish Stylist, Brother Ezekiel.

    “VEE BISH DOO, BROTHER IMUS…I THINK THEE LOOK FABULOUS!”

    7:46:34 a.m. – We have our production meeting.  The segment is going to be called ‘What About Rob?’ as Rob has been removed from the very segment that was created especially for him.  It will feature Tony, Dagen, Lou and Trevor, our audio engineer.  Rob is none too happy that ‘The Help’ is getting a segment, while he’s going to be remanded to the Green Room.  What he doesn’t know is, the Latvian woman who cleans the bathroom is going to be added to ‘Hollywood & Vine’.

    “I HOPING THAT MICHAEL REIDEL NO SING…NO GOOD THE SINGING.”

    8:05:10 a.m. – Warner confuses Yannick Noah, with his basketball playing son Joakim.  Which is actually an improvement, as he once confused Yannick with ‘The guy who had the boat with all the animals on it.’

    “BUT LORD, IF WE BRING THE ELEPHANTS, THERE WILL BE NO ROOM FOR THE TENNIS COURT ON THE SHIP!”

    8:12:14 a.m. – Remember when we said the new segment would be called ‘What about Rob?’  Yeah.  Well, about that.  We’re going back to ‘It Might Be Elvis’.  Which Tony says sounds like a Jeopardy Category.

    “UM… ‘WHAT ABOUT ELVIS?  THAT WAS IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION.”

    8:18:36 a.m. – The Boss is obsessing over the lyrics to Lyle Lovett’s ‘The Road to Ensenada’.  On first glance, it appears to be just another one of those ‘Down on His Luck, Broke, Drinking Too Much, Guys Who Is Stuck in Mexico Nursing a Broken Heart’ songs.  Jesus.  It’s not like it’s ‘Hotel California.’   Or, for that matter, ‘McArthur Park’.  Obviously, someone’s ‘Left The I-Man’s Cake Out In The Rain’

    “I DON’T THINK THAT I CAN TAKE IT, COS’ IT TOOK SO LONG TO BAKE IT, AND I’LL NEVER HAVE THAT RECIPE AGAIN….OH NOOOOO!”  HEY.  WE REALIZE YOU’RE JUST A BOX BOY, BUT…IT’S JUST A F$#%ING CAKE.

    8:44:14 a.m. –  Mark Levin is the guest, but is late for his interview, saying that he’s ‘Having Trouble’ with his phone.  Gee, Mark, the NSA hasn’t had any trouble with it for the past couple of months.  They want you to know that when you order Chinese Takeout for Delivery, that you should use ‘Lucky House’ instead of ‘Jade Garden’, because they don’t use MSG.  And, oh yeah, Obama says ‘Hello’.

    “HEY, UH…ERIC?  DID YOU TAKE CARE OF THAT…UH…THING?”

     “WHAT THING?”

     “YOU KNOW, THAT UH…RADIO THING…THE ‘GREAT’ THING.”

    “OHHHH, THAT ‘THING’.  OH YEAH, BOSS.  IT’S DONE.  YOU WON’T HEAR FROM HIM NO MORE.”

    9:05:14 a.m. – The Great Dan Jenkins is going to be on tomorrow, a man who Imus believes is the “Greatest Sportswriter Ever”, much to the chagrin of Mike Lupica.  The 80 year old Jenkins will be phoning in tomorrow…um…TWO old farts on the phone attempting to converse?  “What?”  “What?”  “What did you say?”  “I thought you asked ME.”  “What?”   Warner isn’t even 80 yet and you see how well that goes.

    APPARENTLY, MR. JENKINS IS A ‘SCRATCH’ GOLFER, WHICH USED TO MEAN HE HAD A ZERO HANDICAP, BUT NOW MEANS THAT HE’S SUFFERING FROM SHINGLES

    9:07:10 A.M. -   Imus promos tomorrow’s ‘Hollywood & Vine’, and reminds Rob that he “Won’t be part of it.”  Rob takes the rejection as well as you might think.  He leaves the studio to cough, and returns with an AK-47.

    “WHO DOESN’T HAVE A SEGMENT NOW, BITCHES?”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

      FOR THOSE OF WHO WHO ALWAYS WONDERED WHY ‘DIGNEY FIGNUS’ AND ‘KAZINO’ NEVER REALLY BROKE OUT…HERE’S DICK CLARK’S ‘RATE A RECORD’, THE ORIGINAL ‘MIGHT BE ELVIS’

    (NOT THAT ROB’S NOT IN THIS ONE EITHER)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1wmOLttbrI 

    Friday
    Feb282014

    The Camp New Joy Radiothon

    6:05:10 a.m. – Today the I-Man lends his considerable power and influence to an endeavor, so worthy… ‘It’s stupid’, to quote the I-Man.  The idea’s not stupid…it’s just stupid nobody tried to come up with this idea before.  The Reverend Jonathan Mason, our Sales Czar at WABC, has created “Camp New Joy”, a place where kids who have no role models, and are defined by just their zip code, will be given a ‘Hand Up’ and not a ‘Hand Out’.  They will be provided with structure and discipline, and have their self-esteem restored.  The number to call is 1-855-6 New Joy.  (Or 855-663-9569)  Or Text 56512, or go to http://www.campnewjoy.org/

    THE REVEREND JONATHAN MASON

    6:06:12 a.m. –   Connell reads the news, and plays a clip of the inspirational speech President Obama gave at the White House yesterday for his “My Brother’s Keeper Initiative” for young men of color.  In the speech, he relates his experience as a troubled teen.  “I got high.” He shares.  “Pretty good, a President of the United States admitting he got high” the I-Man observes.  No, “I tried it, I didn’t like it, and I didn’t inhale” jive from Obama.  The President has demonstrated the concept of… “If you can’t find a role model…BE one.”

    “UNLIKE SOME POLITICIANS, I CAN ADMIT A MISTAKE” – NELSON MANDELA

    THE PRESIDENT INSPIRES AMERICA’S YOUTH THROUGH THE BENEFIT OF HIS OWN EXPERIENCE

    6:30:01 a.m. – The I-Man and the Rev discuss the late, great G.E. Patterson, a truly gifted preacher, one who, the Rev admits, he has been inspired by, as well.  The only difference is, when the Rev says he’s been ‘inspired’ by Bishop Patterson, he means he’s copped some sermon ideas.  In other words, he’s stealing material.  From a dead Preacher.  Well, it’s not like Bishop Patterson’s going to do anything about it now. 

    “LORD, FORGIVE BROTHER MASON…FOR HE KNOWS NOT WHAT HE DOES. 

    THAT’S RIGHT…HE’S STUPID!”

    6:40:46 a.m. – Alvin Darling and Celebration perform.  Reverend Mason has brought some Church up in here.  A pretty good way to start the morning.  After listening to them…you don’t need any coffee.

    AMEN.

    7:12:15 a.m. –  Just when we thought we were going to have a ‘Rodeo Free’ day, the I-Man is talking about Joe Beaver and ‘The American’.  Again.  It pains us to say this, but we would rather listen to him tell the ‘Mama T’ story again.  We will call 1-855-New Joy…and pledge ANYTHING…just to get him to shut up.

    70 YEAR OLD BARREL RACER, JUNE HOLEMAN, HAS QUALIFIED FOR ‘THE AMERICAN’

    (MS. HOLEMAN IS ON THE LEFT)

    7:17:34 a.m. –  Cowboy Tuf Cooper, (Son of Roper Roy Cooper, and A Certified Pantload by the I-Man) has guaranteed a win at ‘The American’ this Sunday.  “Losing is not an option.”  He says.  Um…Tuf?  Losing is ALWAYS an option.  And one you might find you’re forced to take on Sunday.  It’s not pretty when you’re taunted by a Calf:  “Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah…you MISSED me!”

    HEY TUF!  WHERE’S THE BIKER, THE COP, THE INDIAN AND THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER?

    7:46:34 a.m. – Alvin Darling and ‘Celebration’ perform ‘America The Beautiful’.  After that rendition, Vladimir Putin would apply for U.S. Citizenship.

    “I NEVER KNEW THAT FREEDOM…COULD MAKE A MAN SING LIKE THAT.”

    8:26:14 a.m. – MORE Alvin Darling and ‘Celebration’.  There hasn’t been this much joy and positive energy in the studio…since…EVER.   The I-Man might just spontaneously combust.  And not in the ‘Gay’ Way.

    HELLFIRE!  THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!  OUT, DEMON, OUT! 

    9:05:10 A.M. -   Imus wants Tony to come up with a ‘Rap Name’ for him.  ‘Walk D.O.A.’, ‘CWA: ‘Cowboys With Attitude’ and ‘Old Stupid Bastard’ don’t feel right…then…blinding inspiration:

    ‘Old Wheezy’

    “IT’S LIKE A NURSING HOME, SOMETIMES…IT MAKES ME WONDER…HOW I KEEP FROM GOIN’ UNDER.”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A LITTLE PRAISE SONG TO SET YOU OFF ON YOUR WEEKEND

    COURTESY OF ALVIN DARLING AND ‘CELEBRATION’

     

    DON’T FORGET TO CALL

    1-855-6 New Joy.  (855-663-9569)

    Or Text 56512,

    Or Go to http://www.campnewjoy.org/

     

    Thursday
    Feb272014

    The American

    6:05:10 a.m. –    If you live in Carley’s building…EVACUATE NOW.  Seems our lovely Associate Producer, Ms. Shimkus, left her apartment with her ‘Hair Straightener’ still plugged in and on.  She’s fretting, fearing that the place will surely go up in flames before she gets home.  She needn’t worry, as she left it on a pile of oily rags…they’ll certainly keep it insulated.  Still, she is going to call her Super to go into her apartment where…he will most certainly turn it off, and then go try on all her underwear.

    CARLEY’S SUPER:  “THE HAIR STRAIGHTENER IS OFF…NOW I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT’S HOT”

    6:06:12 a.m. –   Imus announces a new segment, tentatively titled:  “Might Be Elvis”, in which a panel will review four records, a country single, a pop single, a rock single and a hip hop single.  The panel will consist of Rob, Lou, Dagen, Tony and Trevor, our sound man, who plays a blistering ‘Stevie Ray Vaughan’ style guitar.  The I-Man decides that the panel has one too many participants.  Hmmmmm we wonder who’s going to go?  The Girl?  The Guy Who Chooses the Music on the Program, The Man whose ethnic heritage is richly steeped in rhythm…or the guy who can make a guitar speak?   Looks like the fat bastard who got kicked off ‘Hollywood & Vine’ is going to add “Might Be Elvis” to his list of ‘Previous Employment’ entries.

    “LET’S SEE WHO’S THE NUMBER TWO LOSER ON THE IMUS PROGRAM…UP FROM NUMBER THREE, IT’S….ROB WITH A BULLET!”

    6:18:36 a.m. –. Lori Rothman is, once again, caught with food in her mouth.  For somebody who weighs 40 pounds, this girl eats like a 385 pound Right Tackle…going to the Electric Chair.  She picks her teeth on camera…and a ham falls out.  She’s got the metabolism of a fruit fly. 

    “WAIT A SECOND…I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE BUFFET TABLE…”

    6:40:46 a.m. –. Joe Beaver is on to discuss ‘The American’, the Two Million Dollar U.S. Open of Rodeo, sponsored by RFD.  17 Cowboys rope a calf and then the top four advance to the finals to rope another calf and then the best of those four wins the money.  I’ll be darned.

    THE BOTTOM FOUR CALVES…WIN A TRIP TO THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE.  TRY THE VEAL, IT’S THE BEST IN TEXAS

    7:03:06 a.m. – The I-Man wants to know why all weather guys are such freaks.  From Tex Antoine on down…Willard Scott singing Happy Birthday to Centenarians, Al Roker pooping his pants at the White House…Lloyd Lindsay Young, “Helloooooooo…Piscataway!”

    AND THEN YOU HAVE THIS GUY, WHO IS WEARING A LACE BUSTIER UNDER THAT SUIT, AND FINDS IT VERY DIFFICULT TO PARK IN HIS OWN DRIVEWAY

    7:15:34 a.m. –  Dagen reports that Sandra Bullock stands to make upwards of 70 million dollars off ‘Gravity’…and that she doesn’t need no Tattooed Biker, when she’s got Money to keep her warm and not cheat on her.  Which is good…because at 49 years old, ‘Gravity’ is beginning to take its’ toll…and the money will be a big selling point when looking for dates.

    SANDRA BULLOCK:  BOY, THAT ‘GRAVITY’ IS A BITCH

    7:18:36 a.m. –   Gunz, (Who is filling in for Warner) reports that Larry King will be ‘Talking Sports’ on “Sportsnet L.A”   “Larry King: At Bat” will be the name of the show, and he will interview various Baseball Players.  The I-Man wonders if one of the guests will be a certain Little League Coach who’s been in Larry’s wife’s dugout.

    I TOOK THAT LITTLE BLUE PILL…AND IT CORKED MY BAT.”

    (THE OTHER BONUS IS THAT THE BAT DOUBLES AS A CANE)

    7:40:37 a.m. –  Mensa Meeting.  The I-Man asks the panel, in lieu of the Kerry Kennedy DUI case, whether or not Kennedy’s should continue to be allowed to drive.  Gunz says ‘I’d rather be Rhianna riding in the passenger seat of Chris Brown’s car, than take a lift from a Kennedy’. 

    ONE OF THE KENNEDYS OUT FOR A SUNDAY DRIVE

    8:03:06 a.m. –  The I-Man discusses the “Might Be Elvis” segment again, and pushes Rob to the point where he, unfortunately, refers to Trevor, the Sound Engineer of the program, as ‘The Help’.  It was obviously a faux pas on Rob’s part.  We’re sure he didn’t mean to say ‘The Help’.  He meant to say ‘The Servants’

    THE ‘CREW’ FROM THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM ON FOX BUSINESS

    8:27:54 a.m. – During the Bernie Briefing, we learn there is a new malady, caused by constant looking down on Cell Phones while reading emails and texting.  It’s called ‘Tech Neck’.  So now we finally know what the I-Man suffers from:  “Telegraph Neck.”  From looking down on the guys finger typing out the morse code.

    DON’T DO THIS… OR YOU’LL LOOK LIKE THIS

      

    DON’T DO THIS… OR YOU’LL LOOK LIKE THIS

    8:41:54 a.m. –  The I-Man interviews Mike Lupica, who is on to promote his new book: GAME CHANGERS: HEAVY HITTERS another one of his inspirational, uplifting, ‘IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU WIN OR LOSE AS LONG AS YOU TRY YOUR BEST’ books.  You know, those ‘Mad Lib’ things where he just plugs in different names and sports and locations, instead of adjectives, nouns and verbs.  We suppose he had a spare 20 minutes, and his lovely wife Taylor decided they needed another extension on the Mansion.   Anyway, Imus says that sometimes he gets so engrossed in a book, (Not one of Lupica’s obviously) that he won’t get up to go to the bathroom.  Notice he didn’t say that he didn’t go to the bathroom.  He DID go to the bathroom.  He just didn’t get up.   We have a name for this phenomenon:  “The Old Cowboy is ‘Riding Tall in the Saddle’”

    THE MIKE LUPICA ‘TEEN NOVEL-O-MATIC’ (PATENT PENDING)

    9:05:10 A.M. -   The I-Man promos what’s coming up… “Hey, Bunz…whaddya got?”  We’re not sure if he means ‘Bernie’ or ‘Gunz’.  We’re just glad we don’t have anybody named ‘Frank’ on the program…and that ‘Chuck’ is M.I.A.  That would be about as embarrassing as combining Blofeld and Oddjob.  (See what we did there?)

    PUT THEM BOTH TOGETHER, AND YOU GET…A LEWINSKY

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN ANTICIPATION OF THE NEW ‘MIGHT BE ELVIS’ SEGMENT, WE CELEBRATE THE DIVERSITY OF MUSICAL TASTES VIA A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT CONDUCTED BY DAVE CHAPPELLE AND JOHN MAYER

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xp3om8Zp5YA

    Thursday
    Feb272014

    The American

    6:05:10 a.m. –    If you live in Carley’s building…EVACUATE NOW.  Seems our lovely Associate Producer, Ms. Shimkus, left her apartment with her ‘Hair Straightener’ still plugged in and on.  She’s fretting, fearing that the place will surely go up in flames before she gets home.  She needn’t worry, as she left it on a pile of oily rags…they’ll certainly keep it insulated.  Still, she is going to call her Super to go into her apartment where…he will most certainly turn it off, and then go try on all her underwear.

    CARLEY’S SUPER:  “THE HAIR STRAIGHTENER IS OFF…NOW I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT’S HOT”

    6:06:12 a.m. –   Imus announces a new segment, tentatively titled:  “Might Be Elvis”, in which a panel will review four records, a country single, a pop single, a rock single and a hip hop single.  The panel will consist of Rob, Lou, Dagen, Tony and Trevor, our sound man, who plays a blistering ‘Stevie Ray Vaughan’ style guitar.  The I-Man decides that the panel has one too many participants.  Hmmmmm we wonder who’s going to go?  The Girl?  The Guy Who Chooses the Music on the Program, The Man whose ethnic heritage is richly steeped in rhythm…or the guy who can make a guitar speak?   Looks like the fat bastard who got kicked off ‘Hollywood & Vine’ is going to add “Might Be Elvis” to his list of ‘Previous Employment’ entries.

    “LET’S SEE WHO’S THE NUMBER TWO LOSER ON THE IMUS PROGRAM…UP FROM NUMBER THREE, IT’S….ROB WITH A BULLET!”

    6:18:36 a.m. –. Lori Rothman is, once again, caught with food in her mouth.  For somebody who weighs 40 pounds, this girl eats like a 385 pound Right Tackle…going to the Electric Chair.  She picks her teeth on camera…and a ham falls out.  She’s got the metabolism of a fruit fly. 

    “WAIT A SECOND…I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE BUFFET TABLE…”

    6:40:46 a.m. –. Joe Beaver is on to discuss ‘The American’, the Two Million Dollar U.S. Open of Rodeo, sponsored by RFD.  17 Cowboys rope a calf and then the top four advance to the finals to rope another calf and then the best of those four wins the money.  I’ll be darned.

    THE BOTTOM FOUR CALVES…WIN A TRIP TO THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE.  TRY THE VEAL, IT’S THE BEST IN TEXAS

    7:03:06 a.m. – The I-Man wants to know why all weather guys are such freaks.  From Tex Antoine on down…Willard Scott singing Happy Birthday to Centenarians, Al Roker pooping his pants at the White House…Lloyd Lindsay Young, “Helloooooooo…Piscataway!”

    AND THEN YOU HAVE THIS GUY, WHO IS WEARING A LACE BUSTIER UNDER THAT SUIT, AND FINDS IT VERY DIFFICULT TO PARK IN HIS OWN DRIVEWAY

    7:15:34 a.m. –  Dagen reports that Sandra Bullock stands to make upwards of 70 million dollars off ‘Gravity’…and that she doesn’t need no Tattooed Biker, when she’s got Money to keep her warm and not cheat on her.  Which is good…because at 49 years old, ‘Gravity’ is beginning to take its’ toll…and the money will be a big selling point when looking for dates.

    SANDRA BULLOCK:  BOY, THAT ‘GRAVITY’ IS A BITCH

    7:18:36 a.m. –   Gunz, (Who is filling in for Warner) reports that Larry King will be ‘Talking Sports’ on “Sportsnet L.A”   “Larry King: At Bat” will be the name of the show, and he will interview various Baseball Players.  The I-Man wonders if one of the guests will be a certain Little League Coach who’s been in Larry’s wife’s dugout.

    I TOOK THAT LITTLE BLUE PILL…AND IT CORKED MY BAT.”

    (THE OTHER BONUS IS THAT THE BAT DOUBLES AS A CANE)

    7:40:37 a.m. –  Mensa Meeting.  The I-Man asks the panel, in lieu of the Kerry Kennedy DUI case, whether or not Kennedy’s should continue to be allowed to drive.  Gunz says ‘I’d rather be Rhianna riding in the passenger seat of Chris Brown’s car, than take a lift from a Kennedy’. 

    ONE OF THE KENNEDYS OUT FOR A SUNDAY DRIVE

    8:03:06 a.m. –  The I-Man discusses the “Might Be Elvis” segment again, and pushes Rob to the point where he, unfortunately, refers to Trevor, the Sound Engineer of the program, as ‘The Help’.  It was obviously a faux pas on Rob’s part.  We’re sure he didn’t mean to say ‘The Help’.  He meant to say ‘The Servants’

    THE ‘CREW’ FROM THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM ON FOX BUSINESS

    8:27:54 a.m. – During the Bernie Briefing, we learn there is a new malady, caused by constant looking down on Cell Phones while reading emails and texting.  It’s called ‘Tech Neck’.  So now we finally know what the I-Man suffers from:  “Telegraph Neck.”  From looking down on the guys finger typing out the morse code.

    DON’T DO THIS… OR YOU’LL LOOK LIKE THIS

      

    DON’T DO THIS… OR YOU’LL LOOK LIKE THIS

    8:41:54 a.m. –  The I-Man interviews Mike Lupica, who is on to promote his new book: GAME CHANGERS: HEAVY HITTERS another one of his inspirational, uplifting, ‘IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU WIN OR LOSE AS LONG AS YOU TRY YOUR BEST’ books.  You know, those ‘Mad Lib’ things where he just plugs in different names and sports and locations, instead of adjectives, nouns and verbs.  We suppose he had a spare 20 minutes, and his lovely wife Taylor decided they needed another extension on the Mansion.   Anyway, Imus says that sometimes he gets so engrossed in a book, (Not one of Lupica’s obviously) that he won’t get up to go to the bathroom.  Notice he didn’t say that he didn’t go to the bathroom.  He DID go to the bathroom.  He just didn’t get up.   We have a name for this phenomenon:  “The Old Cowboy is ‘Riding Tall in the Saddle’”

    THE MIKE LUPICA ‘TEEN NOVEL-O-MATIC’ (PATENT PENDING)

    9:05:10 A.M. -   The I-Man promos what’s coming up… “Hey, Bunz…whaddya got?”  We’re not sure if he means ‘Bernie’ or ‘Gunz’.  We’re just glad we don’t have anybody named ‘Frank’ on the program…and that ‘Chuck’ is M.I.A.  That would be about as embarrassing as combining Blofeld and Oddjob.  (See what we did there?)

    PUT THEM BOTH TOGETHER, AND YOU GET…A LEWINSKY

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN ANTICIPATION OF THE NEW ‘MIGHT BE ELVIS’ SEGMENT, WE CELEBRATE THE DIVERSITY OF MUSICAL TASTES VIA A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT CONDUCTED BY DAVE CHAPPELLE AND JOHN MAYER

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xp3om8Zp5YA