6:05:10 a.m. – “I was listening to the Eagles last night. And they sound like a bunch of pussies. ‘Witchy Woman’, ‘Peaceful Easy Feeling’, ‘Best of My Love’, it sounds like they were all on their period.”
6:05:14 a.m. – The I-Man is exceptionally cranky today. It’s obvious that HE’S the one who’s ‘On the Rag’. Or, as they say at The Rodeo, ‘On the Bandana’.
“DON’T WORRY DAD…THESE ARE THE TAMPONS THAT ALL THE COWBOYS USE.”
6:14:36 a.m. – Deirdre is home taking care of Wyatt, because he is ill, and because she’s the best mother on the planet, so Dagen McDowell will be filling in for her. One Evil Woman for Another. Is that what they call ‘An even exchange’?
6:14:36 a.m. – “Happy Birthday to one of my favorite dictators. Kim Jong Un.” Well, The Supreme Leader wants you to know that he feels the same way, I-Man. You’re one of HIS favorite dictators. With the emphasis on the ‘Dic’.
“WHAT I TELL YOU? I ONLY WANT PORN FOR BIRTHDAY PRESENT! ONLY PORN! WOMEN WITH BIG TITTY…MAN WITH GIANT PENIS…YOU NO GIVE TO ME…I FEED YOU TO DOGS!”
6:18:24 a.m. – The Boss posits that Elvis would’ve been 80 years old today, and wonders what Elvis would be doing if he was still alive. We surmise that ‘E’ would be performing at ‘The King’s TCB Theater and All You Can Eat Buffet’ in Branson. Where, no doubt, he would perform as an Elvis impersonator, shaking his hip replacement.
“BUT I CAN’T HELP…FILLING MY PANTS…WITH…POOOOOO.”
6:21:42 a.m. – The I-Man is wearing his $75,000 ‘Mens’ Rolex, which Rolex donated to the Ranch . He bid $25,000 on it figuring someone would outbid him. Which did not happen, so he wound up donating to his own Ranch. He laments that it does not keep time or date accurately, so Deirdre and Wyatt bought him a ‘Watch Winder’. But then, he quit. Something about he wanted to be paid off the books. So they had to get him one of those ‘Rocking Machines’, but it’s still painfully inaccurate. Maybe it’s because this is one of those special models where Rolex is spelled with a ‘ K S’.
THE WOMEN’S MODEL ‘TAKES A LICKING BUT KEEPS ON TICKING’
6:41:08 a.m. – Lt. Colonel Bill Cowan is on to promote ‘Snatching Hillary’ which, the Colonel says is a “Light, easy read, guaranteed to get people laughing and thinking.” Which is exactly how his last book was…you know, the one where he had the Author Signing at Bellvue?
7:05:10 a.m. – We discuss Steve Kroft’s ‘Champagne Tastes and Caviar Dreams’ We know from where he sipped the bubbly. What we don’t want to know where his mistress kept the Caviar. Because caviar has a distinctly ‘fishy’ smell.
KIM KARDASHIAN DEMONSTRATES STEVE KROFT’S PREFERRED METHOD OF IMBIBING A SPARKLING WINE. FORGET THE GLASS, SHE COULD BALANCE A CASE ON THAT THING
7:15:30 a.m. – Imus reveals that Deirdre and he were feuding. The ‘Ayatollah’ and the ‘Ass-a Hollah’ ‘Went to the mattresses’. Turns out that Mike Lupica had to play a combination of U-Thant, Henry Kissinger, and Barzini. Lupy made them an offer they could not refuse. Deirdre can only stand on the I-Man’s oxygen hose until he turns purple, then she has to step off.
IN RETURN, THE I-MAN WON’T BITCH ABOUT KALE ANY MORE
7:40:32 a.m. – THE MENSA MEETING feels a little different with Dagen pinch-hitting for Deirdre. Maybe it’s because we notice something we never knew: IMUS is a part of the segment! We’ve never heard his voice before! We assumed he just used this segment every week as an opportunity to give ‘Big Roy a drink’. Like he also does on Wednesdays at this time. But you know something? He’s not bad. Although not as good as Bernie.
ONE OF THESE THINGS…IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER FOUR
8:24:10 a.m. – The I-Man asks Dagen how the ‘Dow Jones’ was, and she says that it’s up, but doesn’t have the exact numbers. So The Boss turns to Ashley Webster, who IMMEDIATELY fires back the figure. To the decimal point. Naturally, Dagen was fine with that. She never gets upset when somebody throws her under the bus. Especially when it’s “Some Smug Limey who drives on the wrong side of the road, who can use a bicycle chain for dental floss, who only has to sit upstairs and read stuff that somebody else wrote for him and infuse it with cute, British idioms like ‘Queue’ instead of ‘Line’ and ‘Spotted Dick’ instead of ‘Raisin Pudding’.” (Because when Dagen refers to ‘Spotted Dick’ she’s not talking about a dessert…she’s talking about some guy she knew who had a lot of freckles.) “ But at least you have to give Ashley credit for actually listening to the program…unlike other people who have sat in that chair.” Whoa. Take it down a little Daisy Mae. You don’t want to get to wrasslin’ with Ashley down by the ‘Seement Pond’.
WEBSTER DOESN’T STAND A CHANCE
8:28:27a.m. – A tape is played of an interview with Bob Ley from ESPN, and Richard, Kinky, Big Dick, Friedman, from out there where the busses don’t run. Bob asks the Kinkster to comment on the Chris Christie / Jerry Jones hug, to which Kinky offers that “It’s obviously because they’re both latent homosexuals.” Bob Ley says “You didn’t really mean that, did you?” To which Kinky replies “Well, they just want to be loved.” A phrase which, according to the Kinky/English Dictionary, means “Hell yeah, I meant it. Those two boys are Queers.”
“I LIKE IT HERE! BE MY FRIEND, JERRY!”
8:37:33 a.m. – Laura Ingraham is here in the studio, ostensibly to talk about the potential of the Potential Republican Presidential Candidates, but instead, waxes effusively about the I-Man’s hair. Which she compares to Tom Hulce’s, the guy who played ‘Mozart’ in Amadeus. We assume it’s the Tom Hulce from Animal House, and not Tom Hulce as he appears today:
OBVIOUSLY, ‘AMADEUS’ ATE A DANISH. A LOT OF THEM.
HE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE ‘IMUDEUS’
VIDEO OF THE DAY
To Help the I-Man Deal With His ‘Monthly Problem’:
Walt Disney to the Rescue!