6:05:00 A.M. – If you’re reading this, chances are you’re not one of the three people who won last night’s Powerball drawing.
WHAT YOUR TICKET SHOULD’VE SAID
6:15:30 A.M. – Connell reports that Ted Cruz has a ‘celebrity’ supporter. Phil Robertson, the Homophobic Duck Dynasty Patriarch. This leads the I-Man to comment about the whole idea of Duck Calls and Duck hunting. He maintains that, it’s basically, “You against a duck”. It doesn’t seem to him that you would need to use a Duck Call to make a duck think he’s getting laid, or sit in a duck blind wearing a camouflage jumpsuit, in order to trick the duck into flying towards you so you can shoot it. Which does make sense when you consider the Hunter and the Duck’s respective positions on the food chain.
THE SCHMUCK DYNASTY
WATCH YOUR BACK, PHIL. THERE’S A LOT OF IRATE DUCKS OUT THERE LOOKING FOR REVENGE.
6:20:40 A.M. – Knicks head coach Derek Fisher, discussing last night’s loss to the Brooklyn Nets, calling it a ‘Road Game’. Road? How far did they have to go? A mile and a half?
THEY COULD’VE TAKEN THE 2 TRAIN.
6:40:27 A.M. – Tavis Smiley is the guest. He’s on to discuss his book, DEATH OF A KING, which recounts the last year of Martin Luther King from April 4th 1967 until his assassination in Memphis on April 4th, 1968. It’s a fascinating account, one of the revelations in the book is that Dr. King was considered ‘Persona Non Grata’ for his comments about the Vietnam War and America’s culture of violence. Tavis mentions Dr. King could not get a book deal after that, and, sadly, was completely broke at the time of his death.
THE UNTOLD STORY.
7:05:10 A.M. – “The extent of my attention span is SnapChat” says the I-Man, using the Social Networking App that allows you to send a captioned photo or video to a friend, and after they view it, it disappears from the screen. Which, if the Boss was going to send naked Selfies, would be a very welcome feature, however, even a brief look at the image would result in it being burned in your mind forever.
SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSEEN
7:17:34 A.M. – Imus relates a story about the various canines who share the Ranch house with he, Deirdre and Wyatt. Apparently, Deirdre will call Virgil “A Fu@king A-Hole.” Um…how can he be sure she’s not talking to him?
“HEY, SWEETHEART…LEMME ASK YOU SOMETHING…WHO YOU CALLING A FU@KING A-HOLE? I’LL PEE ON YOUR BED. AND YOU’LL BLAME IT ON HIM”
7:39:16 A.M. – PSYCHOS with Deirdre, Alan Colmes, Bernie and Curtis Sliwa. The D-Woman is incensed by Doctors who don’t tell the truth…lying f@cking doctors. Saying women can have an occasional drink while they’re pregnant. “EVER HEAR OF FETAL ALCOHOL SYNDROME?” she rhetorically asks the Hippocratic Hypocrites, who must think it refers to an alcoholic who spends a lot of time in the Fetal Position.
THIS IS A DIFFERENT KIND OF FETAL ALCOHOL SYNDROME
Alan, as you might guess, states that the relationship with Iran brokered by Secretary of State John Kerry is responsible for the captured U.S. Sailors being released so promptly. He accuses the Republicans wanting to go to war over the incident…and Bernie agrees with him. This is the first sign of the impending Apocalypse. To be followed by forty years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together…MASS HYSTERIA.
A LOVE THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS’ NAME
Curtis is upset with Mayor Bolshevik Bill De Blasio, who’s claimed that the city is ‘Safer than Ever’, even after the recent violent assault of a young woman by 5 teenage boys. He then goes on a rant that, we’re not sure even HE is following.
WE HOPE THAT CURTIS GETS TAPPED TO ENDORSE ANOTHER PRODUCT: VALIUM
…and Bernie is upset with Governor of South Carolina, Nikki Haley, for taking cheap shots at Trump. Because he’s in the tank for Trump. Like SERIOUSLY deep deep deep in the tank.
BERNIE IS SO EXCITED AT THE TRUMP RALLY A LITTLE BIT OF PEE CAME OUT.
8:15:11 A.M. – Imus relates that, when watching television, he has such a difficult time hearing what everyone is saying onscreen, he has to turn the volume up until the windows rattle.
THE I-MAN WATCHES ANGLERS WEIGH FISH. AND HE NEEDS TO KNOW WHO CAUGHT THE BIGGEST ONE.
8:40:43 A.M. – Songwriter, and partner of the late Eddie Rabbit, Even Stevens is on to promote his new book SOMEDAY I’M GONNA RENT THIS TOWN. He and the I-Man reminisce about the music business in the 70’s…well, Even does…this is all new to Imus.
EVEN STEVENS AND ONE OF HIS #1 HITS
VIDEO OF THE DAY
DUCK SEASON? RABBIT SEASON?
WELL, IF YOU’RE TALKING DUCK DYNASTY AND EDDIE RABBIT…