6:05:10 a.m. – We begin with the I-Man calling us ‘Fat Idiots’ because we ‘Don’t know how to work the intercom’. For some reason, he can’t hear us. But, to be fair, the deaf bastard can’t hear us when we’re two feet away from him, let alone nearly TWO THOUSAND miles. Maybe he should try reading our lips. Oh. That’s right. He can’t see us either. Which is just how we like it. Although, he doesn’t get to see the special salute we give him many times every morning.
GANGSTA MICKEY TAUGHT US HOW TO SHOW THE I-MAN WE THINK HE’S “#1”
6:11:14 a.m. – The Boss tosses to Dagen, and, instead, it’s Neil Cavuto, who is caught, on camera, looking at the New York Times’ Obituary section, hoping he will find Imus’ name in one of them. He is disappointed. But not as disappointed as he will be later on this morning, when ‘The Godfather’ presides over the ‘Sit-Down’ between he and Bo Dietl and the I-Man. Today, we settle all family business. Somebody will be ‘Going Fishing With Fredo’ later on. We hope the plastic sheets under the chairs in the studio don’t get stuck in the wheels.
VERY EFFICIENT. ONCE YOU’RE WHACKED, THE PLASTIC ON THE CARPET ‘MAKES CLEANUP A SNAP’
6:13:30 a.m. – ‘Dawn of the Planet of the Apes’ opens today, and Dagen predicts it will be a Box Office Blockbuster. The I-Man doesn’t understand ‘…what the big deal about the monkeys is’. Dagen remarks that the Chimps in the movie resemble some of the men she’s dated in her life. One of her first boyfriends had a ‘Very Simian Forehead’, and her ex-husband made Ed Asner look like he waxed his back.
DAGEN’S FIRST BOYFRIEND. AND NO, THAT’S NOT A BLACK, ANGORA SWEATER
6:20:40a.m. – The I-Man wants to know what one of the sponsors, “NJ Diet” is all about, and so he gives Carley the assignment, as clearly, Carley is almost as fat as Rob. Yah. In her dreams, maybe. The commercial claims you won’t be hungry, there’s no exercise, no dieting, but you lose 20 to 45 pounds in the first 40 days. Years ago, somebody invented something that provided the same results. It was called Crack.
UNFORTUNATELY, BECAUSE HE WASN’T AS COMMITTED TO IT AS HE SHOULD’VE BEEN, THE CRACK DIET DIDN’T WORK ALL THAT GREAT FOR MAYOR FORD
6:37:07 a.m. – Juan Williams is on, and weighs in on the Lebron James situation. He believes it would be a great story if Lebron should go back to Cleveland. But then again, he’s also a huge Mets Fan. Which negates everything, and should, technically, prevent him from commenting on ANYTHING having to do with Sports.
JUAN…IN ONE OF HIS ‘HOOP DREAMS’
6:57:28 a.m. – The two cooks out at the Ranch quit the other day, and The Imus Family is having a difficult time finding someone to fill the position, as it requires a very special skill set. Applicants must be able to run a kitchen and cook an exclusively Vegan menu for 30 people, 3 times a day, using only organic, whole food ingredients; not have a criminal record, drug or alcohol problem; and possess the ability to work, under pressure, while a decrepit cowboy stands next to you asking you every 5 seconds, “Have you read David Remnick’s book about Ali?”
YOU’LL NEED QUITE A FEW OF THOSE VEGAN BLOODY MARYS
(MADE WITH ORGANIC VODKA),
OR SOME HYDROPNICALLY GROWN RAW WEED TO GET THROUGH YOUR FIRST SHIFT
7:07:28 a.m. – The Boss gives Noam Laden (No’-um Lay’-Din) a ‘Shout Out’ for filling in this week to do the Local News on WABC radio, while Connell is on vacation, over in Ireland, researching his roots and drinking pints of Guinness until he urinates on himself. He thanks Noam for stepping up. And now, as the week is finally over, Noam will finally be able to go the bar across the street from the radio station and drink pints of Guinness until HE urinates on himself.
NOAM? WE WORK WITH HIM!
7:11:24 a.m – Imus gives another ‘Shout Out’ to ‘The Cleanery’, 5200 Eubank NE, Alberquerque, New Mexico, because they’re great. You tell them ONCE what you want, and they get it done. The I-Man HATES the fact that his custom shirts, made by Louis Riccart, have creases in the cuffs. Seriously, Boss? THIS is what’s got you upset? You have creases all over your face. We don’t think anybody will be paying attention to the cuffs.
7:14:24 a.m – Neil Cavuto appears in Bigfoot’s chair in the Control Room. He’s like ‘Waldo’. Except with Neil Cavuto, it’s kind of hard to miss his body in a crowd.
WHERE’S CAVUTO? CAN YOU FIND HIM? OF COURSE YOU CAN.
7:39:34 a.m. – An EXTREMELY spirited ‘VINNIE FROM QUEENS’, and the discussion ranges from whether LeBron is going back to Cleveland, to The Mets chances of finishing at 500 being a success. The I-Man thinks James is going back to Ohio. He says he actually is a fan of Cleveland. But back then, those were the days when he was…well…..HIGH.
7:41:39 a.m. – Tony’s assessment on the LeBron situation is that James is staying in Miami, and they are waiting for Bosh to go to Houston. The I-Man says “Bosh? Isn’t that the guy whose wife was sleeping with ‘Lil’ Wayne’? Gunz defends the diminuitive Wayne with “Allegedly…” Prompting Nat to say, “Thanks, Lil’ Gunz”. Oh snap! It’s a ‘shortjoke’…although we don’t think that Nat was referring to Gunz’s height.
GUNZ’S EX (YEAH, RIGHT) DEMONSTRATES THE SIZE OF GUNZ’S…UM…GUN
8:06:32 a.m. – Two Black Limousines have arrived for the ‘Sit Down’. We haven’t seen this many ‘Made Men’ gathered in one place since the Lego Convention. Security is tight, both here and at the Ranch. Here, it’s to protect two High Level Bosses, the one at the Ranch is to keep Deirdre from shooting the I-Man.
8:09:18 a.m. – Bernie reports on the Border Crisis, and notes that it’s primarily the Catholic Charities that are helping those poor, refugee children. The I-Man observes, “There are children crossing over? No wonder you got Priests flocking down there.”
A SIGN NEAR THE BORDER
8:38:14 a.m. – The time has come. The ‘Sit Down’ begins. It’s as contentious as expected. The I-Man begins by noting that the shot of Bo, Neil and Don Corleone in the studio here in New York, looks like an Overeaters Anonymous Meeting. Don Cavuto says that the picture of The Boss out in New Mexico looks like a scene from Beetlejuice.
WE DON’T KNOW WHAT NEIL’S TALKING ABOUT THERE’S ABSOLUTELY NO RESEMBLANCE
9:08:16 a.m. – Bernard reports that, as today is July 11th, (7/11) there are FREE Slurpees at all of the 7/11 Stores today from 9 a.m. to 7 p.m. He then asks the I-Man if he’s ever had a ‘Slurpee’. Imus says yes. But we assume, back in the old days, he had to pay the Escort Service extra for it. Coincidentally, they were ALSO called ‘Big Gulps’. Well, with the Boss, maybe not THAT big.
AT A RECENT SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT, SARAH PALIN SHOWS HER SODA TECHNIQUE TO A GROUP OF ‘PROFESSIONAL WOMEN’
VIDEO OF THE DAY
ANOTHER ‘SIT DOWN’, FROM ‘THE UNTOUCHABLES’, COMBINING THE BEST OF ‘VINNIE FROM QUEENS’ WITH THE MAGIC OF ‘THE GODFATHER’