6:06:06 a.m. – The I-Man is still infatuated with those birds he encounters in the park each morning on the way to work. He wonders if they’re always the same birds…if the ones he hears today are the same ones he heard yesterday. Because if they are the same, then that’s essentially a ‘Bird Hood’. And, we might add, obviously all WHITE birds, as they are living on the Upper East Side. Just another case of Bird Gentrification.
ONE OF THE MORE UNFORTUNATE EFFECTS OF ‘BIRD GENTRIFICATION’
6:12:22 a.m. – Gunz is back from his vacation in Miami and St. Lucia. He says that in Miami, he does what people in Miami do. Which, we assume, since he was in South Beach, means…
GUNZ. PART OF THE FLOOR SHOW
6:12:47 a.m. – He goes on to say that St. Lucia was ‘A Nightmare’. One road in and one road out, which causes a considerable amount of traffic. If he were staying in an actual hotel instead of in a sleeping bag on the side of the road, wouldn’t be that much of a problem.
DON’T GET EXCITED. HE’S JUST ASLEEP.
6:16:11 a.m. – Ashley Webster reports on Derby and Preakness winning horse, American Pharaoh, who, even if he doesn’t win the Belmont, can make up to 6 Million Dollars a year in Stud Fees. Too bad humans can’t reap the same kind of fees. Bill Clinton wouldn’t need ANY donations to his Clinton Foundation. We just don’t know why horses are never held accountable for ‘Foal Support’.
ALL WE CARE IS THAT THE LITTLE BULL BABIES BE RAISED CATHOLIC
6:25:29 a.m. – Imus reveals that, upon watching the Mets pull Matt Harvey, who was beating the Cardinals last night, which led to the Birds immediately tying the score, causing the Mets to play extra innings to take back the win, made UBER Met Fan, Nat Candido throw his TV remote against the wall, smashing it to pieces. He will be visiting the Cablevision store later this afternoon, where he will try to tell them he ‘dropped’ it.
“WHERE’D YOU DROP IT FROM? FROM THE OBSERVATION DECK OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING?”
6:40:14 a.m. – Juan Williams weighs in on George Stephanopoulos “How is he supposed to be an important journalist?” We didn’t think he was considered that in the first place.
SOMEHOW, WE CAN’T IMAGINE SEEING WALTER CRONKITE ON A CEREAL BOX.
6:43:01 a.m. – Juan and The I-Man talk ‘Sports’…hockey, which, Juan admits, is not his thing, especially after his hometown team, The Washington Capitols, got knocked out by the I-Man’s team, the New York Rangers. He IS, however, hyped up about the Washington Nationals’ Star Outfielder, Bryce Harper…Imus submits Mike Trout to be added to the list of promising up and comers. “They have a lot of future in front of them,” Juan offers… “Where else would their future be?” demands the I-Man. Juan responds “Well, if they walk out and get hit by a bus, then their future will be behind them.”
POOR BRYCE. THERE GOES HIS FUTURE
7:10:55a.m. – Ashley Webster reports that the most dangerous jobs to have, aren’t what you think they might be…Fireman or Policeman. Turns out Fisherman and Garbage Man are the most hazardous. We would’ve thought ‘I-Man’s Personal Assistant’ would be the one that would require procuring a hefty life insurance policy.
MEGHAN HURLBUT MOONLIGHTING A POSITION LESS STRESSFUL AND ANXIETY WROUGHT MEETINGS
7:40:18 a.m. – PSYCHOS this week, featuring Lou Rufino, Deirdre Imus, Bo Dietl and Bernard McGuirk. The segment starts off with Deirdre taking exception with Al Sharpton’s daughter, Dominique, suing the city for 5 Million Dollars because she sprained her ankle. Deirdre fails to look on the bright side of the story…at least Ms. Sharpton won’t be marching in protest.
THE CANE PRECLUDES THE RULES OF THE EVENT
7:40:18 a.m. – Lou is upset with Cable , which he claims, sucks, because he too threw his remote when all the sports he was watching were screwed up by a lack of serice. He says “You’re paying over 200 bucks a month…when it used to be free!” Yes, back in his day, TV sets weren’t even in color. And you had to walk three miles uphill in the snow each way to place the antenna on the roof of the cathedral. Lou also has a problem with the concept of ‘Recycling’. He thinks it’s pointless. Separating plastics does nothing…we’re not saving the planet…the planet is going to be here. Apparently, Lou has no problem with recycling…old George Carlin routines.
YOU GOTTA FIND A PLACE FOR YOUR STUFF
7:40:18 a.m. – Bo Dietl hate a tates, rats. Don’t we all? What? Oh, he means ‘snitches’. Guys like Joradan Belfour and Sammy ‘The Bull’ Gravano, who sell out their associatest to save their own asses. We thought cops…LOVED Snitches?
“BO? I’LL FLIP ON BO. NO PROBLEM.”
7:40:18 a.m. – Bernard hates the historical revisionists and liars regarding the Iraq War, referring to the candidates currently running for president, who are giving cover to the ‘Nation Builders’ who wanted to go over there on false pretense. Wha hoppen? Did Conan O’Brien just do a ‘joke’ from his monologue right there?
CONAN MCGUIRK AND BERNARD O’BRIEN
8:15:10 a.m. – Connell plays a clip of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, “The last person we want to hear from is ‘Moose-Ass’. ” We spell ‘Moose-Ass’ with a hyphen, while it could very easily be a compound word. All we know is ‘Drugstore’ is a compound word. It doesn’t have a hyphen…which means it also doesn’t have a period…which means it’s pregnant. (Punctuation Porn)
IT’S ALWAYS ‘GRAZING SEASON’ IN NEW JERSEY FOR BULLWINKLE CHRISTIE
8:40:18 a.m. - Bernie Goldberg is on to discuss George Stephanopoulos. He says that what George did was wrong. He says people donate money so as to gain access. Thank you for that insightful analysis, Bernie. You really know how to crystallize the zeitgeist.
HE ARE SMART REAL GOOD
VIDEO OF THE DAY
“The Planet is FINE.”