6:05:00 A.M. – Imus grills Rob about the attendance at his Concert Date the other night in Tarrytown. Rob admits it wasn’t a sell-out, that there was an open row, and there were 12 or 15 seats in the row…and when pressed to say how many were actually there, Rob says “793”. The answer is immediate. The I-Man says that he likes immediate answers, whether they’re correct or not. Good thing. Because there was actually only 789.
UM…LOOKS LIKE THERE’S AN EMPTY SEAT ON THE SIDE THERE, ROW ‘P’
6:15:30 A.M. – The Boss takes Bernie to task for this weekend’s stunning UFC upsets. Both Champions, Conor McGregor AND Holly Holm, (Bernard’s ‘UFC’ Ultimate Fighting Crush) GOT Crushed. In fact, Ms. Holm’s windpipe was literally crushed, choked Out by Miesha Tate in the Fifth Round. By falling unconscious, Holly also put to sleep her Big Bucks rematch with Ronda Rousey.
ALTHOUGH THIS MADE BERNARD SAD, IT IS NOW THE PREMIERE IMAGE IN HIS ‘SPANK BUBBLE’
6:20:46 A.M. – I-Fave Doug Brinkley, who edited the Bestseller, the Reagan Diaries, has some eloquent words on the passing of Nancy Reagan. The I-Man is a HUGE fan of Mr. Brinkley, noting that the Historian, who is a history professor at Rice University, is treated like Elvis when he walks around the campus.
PROFESSOR BRINKLEY’S GOT A HUNKA HUNKA BURNIN’ LOVE
6:40:27 A.M. – Liz MacDonald from Fox Business and Fox News is the guest, and reveals that she supports Kasich. So she’s the one. She observes that the Debates are turning into The Jerry Springer Show. We think it’s more like the ‘Maury Povich’ Debates. “Donald Trump…you ARE the father!” (He has three baby mamas). She is writing a book about all the ‘Great Forgotten Fires of New York City’. We can’t wait for that one. So we can peruse the center section with all the photos of the Burn Victims. Not exactly a ‘Summer Beach Read’, although it might remind you to use sunscreen.
“OF COURSE, I’M THE FATHER…I’M A GREAT FATHER. MY POLL NUMBERS SHOW THAT I’M THE FATHER OF THE YEAR…”
7:05:10 A.M. – The Boss admits that he was ‘sucked in’ by his boys from ‘The Voice’: Adam Levine, Blake Shelton, Pharrell, and Christina Aguilera. She’s not a man, of course…but we believe she’s had sex with an awful lot of them.
NO, I-MAN. YOU MISINTERPRETED. THEY DON’T WANT YOU, THEY WANT…OH FORGET IT
7:17:34 A.M. – Imus accuses Warner of raining on Peyton Manning’s parade, because, as he retires today, Warner was bold enough to suggest that it was because Denver Broncos weren’t going to pay him for another year. Instead of celebrating one of the greatest players in the history of football, Warner is slinging mud, bringing up the unfortunate allegations of his attempted Teabag of the female trainer at the University of Tennessee.
IN PEYTON’S DEFENSE, IT WAS FOUR O’CLOCK. TEATIME.
7:25:50 A.M. – The I-Man surmises that, despite Trump’s assertion that he’s packing some serious junk in his trousers, given the fact that he’s almost 70 years old, when he makes love to his wife Melania, “He has to stand her on her head and drop it in.”
“OH DOOOOONALD…I’M READY….”
7:39:16 A.M. – PSYCHOS – Starring Bo Dietl, Sid Rosenberg, Tony Powell, and, Deirdre Imus as “The Crazy Woman”. Bo leads off, screaming about 22 Billion Dollars given to Anchor Babies on Welfare, taking the money away from Senior Citizens. As Bo could now be considered a ‘Senior Citizen’, he has a dog in this race: His ‘Financialization Deprivation Situation.’
COLOMBIAN SOFIA VERGARA…THE REASON WHY BO IS GOING TO HAVE TO EAT RAMEN NOODLES FOR THE REST OF HIS DAYS
Deirdre still angry over what looks like what will be the two choices in November. “The two most disgusting people on the planet.” She hates the Donald, saying he would be the worst thing for this country…besides Hillary, who would be…the worst thing for this country. She can’t believe that Trump brought up the subject of his ‘Dick’ on the debate the other night. She didn’t seem all that surprised that Hillary didn’t bring up HERS on the Democratic Debate last night.
HILLARY AND HER 73 INCH DICK
Sid accuses Connell of stealing his headphone jack, calls Conor McGregor a ‘Pussy’, Peyton Manning “The White Kobe Bryant”, and had some words for Nancy Reagan. He says that if her anti-drug ‘Just say No’ campaign worked, his wife would be a National Hero.
NANCY REAGAN WAS VERY INSTRUMENTAL IN SID’S RECOVERY
And Tony is bewildered by the White Supremacists that flock to Trump Rallies, supporting him because he will help fight against the oppression of White People. Tony says that, due to his MyPillow, he must’ve slept through the Revolution, because he doesn’t remember when Black People where in charge of ‘Holding the White Man down.’ Well, Tony, it’s not that you were sleeping…it’s just that, as Gil Scott Heron warned you, the Revolution was NOT televised.
8:05:11 A.M. – Imus implies that, his believing that Peyton Manning would’ve had another job offer, Warner is suggesting he’s naïve and a moron. Not true, I-Man. Warner doesn’t think you’re naïve.
A NEW PUB WARNER HAS INVESTED IN
8:15:40 A.M. – Warner says that over the weekend, he and his wife Sue went to the Piano Bar at the Carlyle to see Chris Gillespie play. They requested him to do ‘Rhapsody in Blue’ when they were there, and when Imus asks if he tips Mr. Gillespie, Warner says he gave the man 20 dollars. But he doesn’t have a tip jar, so you have to put the money in his hand, which is a slightly difficult task to navigate, as he’s using his hands to play the damn piano.
YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE CASH ON THE TOP OF PIANO LID…LIKE YOU DO ON THE TOP OF THE DRESSER WHEN YOU’RE DONE WITH THE HOOKER AT THE CATHOUSE
8:22:44A.M. – Imus accuses Bernie of covering up for Conor McGregor’s loss like he covers up for the Altar Boy Enthusiast Priests. He also is trying to gloss over the Trump Rally where the crowd all raised their right hands…
DONALD UBER ALLES: ‘HEIL TRUMP!’
A GUEST SPEAKER AT THE RALLY ENDORSES DER DONALD
8:28:36 A.M. – After informing the I-Man that former Trump Baby Mama, Marla Maples, will be on ‘Dancing With The Stars’, he adds that, joining her will be Geraldo Rivera. Which leads Imus to wonder “What would he say ‘No’ to?”
APPARENTLY, THEY’RE USING THE WORD ‘STAR’ VERY LOOSELY
8:40:43 A.M. – I-Fan and Imus described Radio Superstar, ‘The Great One’, Mark Levin is on. The Boss is justly effusive with his praise of the Levin, but not nearly as vociferously gushing as Mark is of The I-Man. He sucks up to Imus worse than Rob hocking for a plug for one of his hideous personal appearances. It’s damn near nauseating.
LEVIN…HE DOESN’T THINK HE COULD EVEN SHINE THE I-MAN’S SHOES. OBVIOUSLY, HE’S WRONG ABOUT THAT.
VIDEO OF THE DAY
Despite Warner’s Negativity
A Celebration of the Career of