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Deirdre's Corner

 Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Playing Offense Against GMO's: Your Right To Know

by Deirdre Imus - Back in April the popular Mexican restaurant chain Chipotle announced it would use only ingredients free of genetically modified organisms, or GMOs.  Last year, Whole Foods Market committed to “full transparency” on products containing GMOs, demanding that by 2018 all products sold in its U.S. and Canadian stores be labeled to indicate if they contain genetically engineered materials. These are noble proclamations with potentially huge implications and should not be taken lightly.  Read more...

Deirdre Imus on Your World with Neil Cavuto - Little Caesars now selling pizza with bacon-wrapped crust

 

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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    Thursday
    Jan082015

    Ashley Webster Throwin Gang Signs

    6:05:10 a.m. –   “I was listening to the Eagles last night.  And they sound like a bunch of pussies.  ‘Witchy Woman’, ‘Peaceful Easy Feeling’, ‘Best of My Love’, it sounds like they were all on their period.”

    ‘GLENDA’ FREY

    6:05:14 a.m. –  The I-Man is exceptionally cranky today.  It’s obvious that HE’S the one who’s ‘On the Rag’. Or, as they say at The Rodeo, ‘On the Bandana’.

    “DON’T WORRY DAD…THESE ARE THE TAMPONS THAT ALL THE COWBOYS USE.”

    6:14:36 a.m. – Deirdre is home taking care of Wyatt, because he is ill, and because she’s the best mother on the planet, so Dagen McDowell will be filling in for her.  One Evil Woman for Another.  Is that what they call ‘An even exchange’?

    6:14:36 a.m. – “Happy Birthday to one of my favorite dictators.  Kim Jong Un.” Well, The Supreme Leader wants you to know that he feels the same way, I-Man.  You’re one of HIS favorite dictators.  With the emphasis on the ‘Dic’.

    “WHAT I TELL YOU?  I ONLY WANT PORN FOR BIRTHDAY PRESENT!  ONLY PORN!  WOMEN WITH BIG TITTY…MAN WITH GIANT PENIS…YOU NO GIVE TO ME…I FEED YOU TO DOGS!”

    6:18:24 a.m. – The Boss posits that Elvis would’ve been 80 years old today, and wonders what Elvis would be doing if he was still alive.  We surmise that ‘E’ would be performing at ‘The King’s TCB Theater and All You Can Eat Buffet’ in Branson.  Where, no doubt, he would perform as an Elvis impersonator, shaking his hip replacement.

    “BUT I CAN’T HELP…FILLING MY PANTS…WITH…POOOOOO.”

    6:21:42 a.m. – The I-Man is wearing his $75,000  ‘Mens’ Rolex, which Rolex donated to the Ranch .  He bid $25,000 on it figuring someone would outbid him. Which did not happen, so he wound up donating to his own Ranch.  He laments that it does not keep time or date accurately, so Deirdre and Wyatt bought him a ‘Watch Winder’.  But then, he quit. Something about he wanted to be paid off the books.   So they had to get him one of those ‘Rocking Machines’, but it’s still painfully inaccurate.  Maybe it’s because this is one of those special models where Rolex is spelled with a ‘ K S’.

    THE WOMEN’S MODEL ‘TAKES A LICKING BUT KEEPS ON TICKING’

    6:41:08 a.m. –  Lt. Colonel Bill Cowan is on to promote ‘Snatching Hillary’ which, the Colonel says is a “Light, easy read, guaranteed to get people laughing and thinking.” Which is exactly how his last book was…you know, the one where he had the Author Signing at Bellvue?

    BECAUSE ‘KIDNAPING HILLARY’ WOULDN’T SELL AS MANY COPIES

    7:05:10 a.m. –  We discuss Steve Kroft’s ‘Champagne Tastes and Caviar Dreams’  We know from where he sipped the bubbly.  What we don’t want to know where his mistress kept the Caviar.  Because caviar has a distinctly ‘fishy’ smell.

    KIM KARDASHIAN DEMONSTRATES STEVE KROFT’S PREFERRED METHOD OF IMBIBING A SPARKLING WINE.  FORGET THE GLASS, SHE COULD BALANCE A CASE ON THAT THING

    7:15:30 a.m. –  Imus reveals that Deirdre and he were feuding.  The ‘Ayatollah’ and the ‘Ass-a Hollah’  ‘Went to the mattresses’.  Turns out that Mike Lupica had to play a combination of U-Thant, Henry Kissinger, and Barzini.  Lupy made them an offer they could not refuse.  Deirdre can only stand on the I-Man’s oxygen hose until he turns purple, then she has to step off.

    IN RETURN, THE I-MAN WON’T BITCH ABOUT KALE ANY MORE

    7:40:32 a.m. –  THE MENSA MEETING feels a little different with Dagen pinch-hitting for Deirdre.  Maybe it’s because we notice something we never knew: IMUS is a part of the segment!  We’ve never heard his voice before! We assumed he just used this segment every week as an opportunity to give ‘Big Roy a drink’.  Like he also does on Wednesdays at this time. But you know something?  He’s not bad.  Although not as good as Bernie.

    ONE OF THESE THINGS…IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER FOUR

    8:24:10 a.m. –   The I-Man asks Dagen how the ‘Dow Jones’ was, and she says that it’s up, but doesn’t have the exact numbers.  So The Boss turns to Ashley Webster, who IMMEDIATELY fires back the figure.  To the decimal point.  Naturally, Dagen was fine with that.  She never gets upset when somebody throws her under the bus.  Especially when it’s “Some Smug Limey who drives on the wrong side of the road, who can use a bicycle chain for dental floss, who only has to sit upstairs and read stuff that somebody else wrote for him and infuse it with cute, British idioms like   ‘Queue’ instead of ‘Line’ and ‘Spotted Dick’ instead of ‘Raisin Pudding’.”  (Because when Dagen refers to ‘Spotted Dick’ she’s not talking about a dessert…she’s talking about some guy she knew who had a lot of freckles.) “ But at least you have to give Ashley credit for actually listening to the program…unlike other people who have sat in that chair.”   Whoa.  Take it down a little Daisy Mae.  You don’t want to get to wrasslin’ with Ashley down by the ‘Seement Pond’. 

    WEBSTER DOESN’T STAND A CHANCE

    8:28:27a.m. –   A tape is played of an interview with Bob Ley from ESPN, and Richard, Kinky, Big Dick, Friedman, from out there where the busses don’t run.  Bob asks the Kinkster to comment on the Chris Christie / Jerry Jones hug, to which Kinky offers that “It’s obviously because they’re both latent homosexuals.”  Bob Ley says “You didn’t really mean that, did you?”  To which Kinky replies “Well, they just want to be loved.”  A phrase which, according to the Kinky/English Dictionary, means “Hell yeah, I meant it.  Those two boys are Queers.”

    “I LIKE IT HERE!  BE MY FRIEND, JERRY!”

    8:37:33 a.m. – Laura Ingraham is here in the studio, ostensibly to talk about the potential of the Potential Republican Presidential Candidates, but instead, waxes effusively about the I-Man’s hair.  Which she compares to Tom Hulce’s, the guy who played ‘Mozart’ in Amadeus. We assume it’s the Tom Hulce from Animal House, and not Tom Hulce as he appears today:

    OBVIOUSLY, ‘AMADEUS’ ATE A DANISH.  A LOT OF THEM.

     HE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE ‘IMUDEUS’

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    To Help the I-Man Deal With His ‘Monthly Problem’:

    Walt Disney to the Rescue!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLhld_PI2zg

    Wednesday
    Jan072015

    Dagen McDowell Birthday Edition!

    6:05:10 a.m. –   Happy Birthday to Dagen McDowell!  So, what do you give the Hillbilly who has everything? A can of spray cheese and some Moon Pies? Indoor plumbing?  More teeth?  We settled on four new radial tires for her to put on her double-wide’s roof.  Chez McDowell will be stylin’ with them new 22’s  at the next “Pot Luck Supper” at the Trailer Park.  

    FOR DAGEN’S BIRTHDAY, HER HUSBAND ‘ROLLO’ SURPRISED HER BY PUTTING AN 8 TRACK TAPE PLAYER IN HER MERCURY GRAND MARQUIS

    6:05:14 a.m. –  The I-Man starts the program off with the following impression:  “I’m Steve Kroft, those stories and Andy Rooney on this edition of ‘Sixty Minutes’.”  There’s a story in the online edition of the New York Post that reveals the Naughty Newsman’s Nookie Nest.  Apparently, he has been having an affair with a beautiful lawyer, whose Pudding, he said in a text, he’d rather be eating than the Take Out he ordered one night while working late.   Don’t believe you wanted that little tidbit being uncovered, Steve.

    AND WE ASSUME STEVE’S MISTRESS WOULD RATHER EAT HIS ‘PUDDIN’ POP’

    6:14:36 a.m. – Connell shows a videotape of Joe Biden taking photos at the Senate Ceremonial Swearing In yesterday, and the Vice President attempting, unsuccessfully, to kiss Senator Chris Coon’s young daughter on the cheek. “She wasn’t into it” says Bernard.  “Are you CRAZY?” the incredulous I-Man says.  We are a little bemused ourselves.  What was Bernie thinking?  The Veep has ‘Duke of York Tendencies’?

    WE’RE JUST GLAD THE VICE PRESIDENT DIDN’T SAY:  ‘WELCOME, COONS’

    6:41:08 a.m. –  Juan Williams goes all in on John Boehner, disparaging the Speaker for acting like a pussy.  He didn’t use those words, we did, but you know Juan was thinking it when he was disdainful of Boehner for getting ‘Weepy Eyed’.  We believe The Speaker’s theme song is ‘Misty’.  

    “WHAT?  THEY SHOT BAMBI’S MOTHER?   WAAAAAAAAAA!”

    7:05:10 a.m. – Imus isn’t done yet humiliating Chris Christie, or rather, letting up on the Governor for humiliating himself for hugging Jerry Jones.  He maintains that ‘Anybody who has seen Bruce Springsteen in concert more than twice…you don’t want to be president.’  He mentions Bruce Uber Fan, Christopher ‘Mad Dog’ Russo, who has seen The Boss, (Springsteen, not the REAL Boss, The  I-Man) more than 100 times.  We agree. We wouldn’t want Mad Dog Russo being elected the most powerful man in the free world.  We couldn’t take the State of the Union addresses.  Jesus.

    “MY FELLOW AMERICANS…YOU GOTTA GIVE A LOTTA CREDIT TO THE LILLIPUTIANS, A LOTTA CREDIT…WHAT?  OH…THE LITHUANIANS…SORRY.  BAD JOB BY ME THERE…I CAN’T BE DOIN’ THAT!   THE LITHUANIANS!  WHO DISCOVERED LITHIUM … THOSE LITTLE BATTERIES THEY PUT IN PHONES…”

    7:40:32 a.m. –  BLONDE ON BLONDE : Or, as we like to call it, ‘A Coupla White Women Sittin’ Around Screaming At Each Other.’   As usual, Deirdre and her Mom, Lis, take on the topics of the day, which, this morning, include Flu Shots, Steve Kroft, and whether or not John Boehner is hot.  But the takeaway is Deirdre’s maintaining that Lis has an enormous forehead.

    AFTER HER APPEARANCE, LIS HAD TO RUSH TO THE AMC THEATERS AT TIMES SQUARE TO ACT AS THE IMAX SCREEN FOR THE NOON SHOWING OF ‘THE HOBBIT’

    8:05:10 a.m. –   Dr. Walid Phares phones in to report on the fatal armed assault  in Paris against a satirical newspaper.  He says that Islamic Terrorists have no sense of humor.  In fact, the Taliban has murdered comedians.  Which, Tony hopes, will finally be incentive for Rob to stop doing that tedious ‘Wheel of Jordan’ bit he’s been doing in his Stand Up act since the late 90’s.

    “I WOULD LIKE TO BUY A VOWEL”

    8:42:12 a.m. – I-Fave, Charles Gasparino, disputes Rival Network CNBC’s contention that Billionaire Carl Icahn bought Twitter.  We figure it’s probably not true.  If Carl HAD purchased Twitter…don’t you think he would’ve Tweeted about it?

    GOOD FOR YOU, CARL.  GOOD FOR YOU.

    8:46:12 a.m. – During his appearance, Charlie drops a bomb:  Neil Cavuto drinks ‘Pumpkin Spiced Latte’s’   Gasparino maintains that ‘Pumpkin Spiced Latte’s’   are “The most effeminate drink…ever.”  If we were C.G., we’d be careful calling Don Cavuto names, lest he wind up in a dumpster behind a Dunkin Donuts in Bayonne.

    GOOD TO THE LAST DROP

    9:06:89 a.m. –  Tomorrow, Lt. Colonel Bill Cowan will be a guest, promoting his new novel ‘Snatching Hilary’.  We’re not so sure we’d use those two particular words so close together, although we understand his co-author’s name is ‘Heywood Yablomi’.

    WHERE CAN WE RENT THIS VAN?

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    In honor of Dagen McDowell’s Birthday, her sister ‘Megan’ offers this charmingly adorable display, which, no matter how sad or stressed out you might be, is guaranteed to make you smile and make your day:

     

     

    YEAH, REAL ADORABLE.  IF YOUR SISTER IS A BULEMIC BUSINESS NETWORK REPORTER WHO LIKES STUFF THAT’S SO ‘CUTE’ SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO GAG HERSELF TO THROW UP.”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQZ3-OD0ml0

    Tuesday
    Jan062015

    That Awkward Hug

    6:05:10 a.m. – One of the top stories this morning is about the Hedge Fund Founder who was murdered by his 30 year old son, after an argument over Junior’s  ‘Allowance.’  Which is probably what Marvin Gaye’s father was arguing about when he shot Marvin.

    “I’M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW, DAD…WHEN YOU DON’T MOW THE LAWN AND TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE, YOU DON’T GET YOUR ALLOWANCE.”

    6:07:14 a.m. –  Nat has a new job.  In addition to being the stage manager of the Fox Business Television Simulcast of the program, he now is responsible for being the ‘Dribble Grip’.  Wiping the water and food that falls out of Imus’ mouth onto his jacket and shirt.  Which is a position not unlike the Mop Guy at a Peep Show.

    THE I-MAN ENJOYING HIS BREAKFAST

    6:41:08 a.m. – Historian Doug Brinkley is on the phone, and the Boss asks the Professor about his comparison between Obama and FDR.  “Does that mean Obama has Polio?”   We hope not.  It would certainly put a crimp in his golf game.  “What’s your handicap Mr. President?”  “I have polio, you moron!”

    “MR. PRESIDENT?  WILL YOU BE MAKING YOUR TEE TIME?”

    6:45:08 a.m. –  Mr. History weighs in on the controversy over the historical inaccuracies of the new film ‘Selma’, which depicts The Reverend Martin Luther King’s struggles during the Civil Rights Marches in the 1960s.   Professor Brinkley maintains that any Hollywood movie is going to be historically inaccurate.  Which explains the new Moses movie where a guy named ‘Christian’ plays a Jew.  We’re also pretty sure Moses didn’t wear Crocs.

    WE NEVER KNEW MOSES WAS A MALE NURSE

    7:05:10 a.m. – “One of my New Year’s Resolutions is not to fight with Hallock Cleaners.”   Although the true testament to the I-Man’s resolve is that although he did complain about the creases in his cuffs, he did not take it to the litigation level.   However, the Over/Under is Friday at 6:05:01 A.M.

    THE SOURCE OF WHAT WILL, EVENTUALLY, BECOME AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT

    7:18:36 a.m. –  The legendary Chris Christie / Jerry Jones uncomfortable embrace is brought up yet again, with the I-Man’s observation that “Here’s Jerry Jones and his mentally challenged son, the one who cleans his glasses, trying to have a family hug and there’s fatso trying to horn in on it.”  Jerry must’ve felt like he’d stuck his hand in a vat of Chris Christie Crisco.

    WE HAVEN’T SEEN SOMETHING THAT BIG AND RED SINCE…

     THE SCENE IN THE MOVIE WHERE JERRY JONES GETS ‘ABSORBED’ BY THE BLOB

    7:40:32 a.m. –  Hollywood & Vine  - The panel discusses the Prince Andrew Sex Pervert Controversy, how both the film ‘Unbroken’ as well as its’ director Angelina Jolie being snubbed for a Golden Globe Award, and  Bradley Cooper, who strips down in the revival of the hit play ‘Elephant Man’.  According to Dagen, there’s ANOTHER reason why he should be called ‘The Elephant Man’.

    APPARENTLY, THIS ELEPHANT MAN IS PACKING QUITE A TRUNK

    8:05:10 a.m. –  The Boss promos the upcoming appearance of Bret Baier, and refers to him as a “Howdy Doody Looking Doofus”.   We beg to differ.  We think Bret’s more like a ‘Bobby Brady Looking Doofus.’

     

    HERE’S THE STORY, OF A MAN NAMED ‘BRETY’

    8:12:14 a.m. –  Connell comments on the cancellation of Elon Musk’s Space X Launch, the private rocket that was slated to go to the International Space Station.  The I-Man asks Connell how Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic rocket is doing.  “Who would want to ride on one of these space deals anyway?  To which Dagen responds, “You pay somebody enough they’ll ride on anything.”

    “SALLY AIN’T THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO ‘RIDE’.  I’LL FLY ANYWHERE…EXCEPT URANUS.”

    8:19:12 a.m. –  The Boss asks Ashley Webster if he’s ever worn Women’s Clothes.  “Not this week” comes the reply.  Which is true, as the unitard  he wears under his suit is technically ‘Unisex’. As is his name. However, in the grand British Tradition of ‘Pantomime’, it is not unusual for an Englishman to dress as a woman. 

    WE’RE JUST AS SHOCKED AS YOU ARE.  WE CAN’T BELIEVE THAT ASHLEY ACUTALLY HAD THE NERVE TO WEAR WHITE

    8:42:12 a.m. – Bret Baier discusses the upcoming Republican Congress, and how the President will interact with them.  Probably the same way Bill Cosby would react to Hannibal Burress.  The conversation is wide ranging, including Governor Christie’s Dallas Cowboy appearance.  To which, Baier responds, “That red sweater is his ‘Lucky’ Sweater, and so he will be wearing it to all the games.”  We do hope the Governor plans on washing it between Sundays.  Or Jerry Jones won’t let him get near enough to hug him.

    INSIDE THE PARAPET OF THE NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR’S MANSION, AFTER TAKING IT OUT OF THE WASHING MACHINE…(WELL, OKAY, THE PASSAIC RIVER) CHRIS CHRISTIE LAYS OUT HIS ‘LUCKY SWEATER’ TO DRY

    9:05:10 a.m. –  “We have about 2 inches of snow here in New York.”  WHAT?  Hey, I-Man, it’s about a quarter of an inch.  “Well, it’s not the first time a man has exaggerated how many inches something was.”

    HEY FROSTY…WE THOUGHT THINGS SHRINK IN THE COLD.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A TRIBUTE TO CHRIS CHRISTIE, AND EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER BEEN INVOLVED IN AN ‘AWKWARD HUG’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRl5q2HYJK4

    Friday
    Dec192014

    This Joyous Holiday Season

    6:05:10 a.m. –  The Holiday Spirit is in Full Effect here at the Fox Business Studios, and even the I-Man is not immune.  He begins the program with a rhetorical question:  “What do you think the girl from the escort service thinks when Bob Beckel opens the door?  Um…maybe  ‘I should have gone to college’?

    “IS THIS 4B?  OH…4D!  I’M SORRY, I’M IN THE WRONG APARTMENT…I’M IN THE WRONG BUILDING…I’M IN THE WRONG CITY…”

    6:07:14 a.m. – Amazon now officially offers ONE HOUR delivery in Manhattan   for 7.99.   Which STILL won’t be fast enough for the I-Man.   When you reach his age, every second counts.

    THE I-MAN WILL BE ON HIS TERRACE WITH A RIFLE.

    THIS PUPPY WILL BE GOING DOWN

    6:38:08 a.m. –  Gordon Chang is on to discuss the North Korean hack of Sony, with the intention of scaring the living $#it out of us.  He tells us that the Chinese have the capability of shutting down our infrastructure, our power grid, and Amazon’s One Hour Delivery.  He informs the I-Man that they have initiated an incineration threat against 13 Major U.S. Cities.  The I-Man is taken aback by this information, and then asks the question we all have in our minds:  “What about Brenham, Texas?”   Chang says “Brenham is not on the list.”    Yet.

    BRENHAM, TEXAS:  THE THING ABOUT CHINESE INCINERATION IS, A HALF HOUR LATER, AND YOU’LL WANT TO BE INCINERATED AGAIN

    7:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man accuses Connell of “Lying” about the story that suggested Bill Clinton appeared on the last episode of the Colbert Report.  In truthiness, he only tweeted at Stephen.  Liar though he may be otherwise, Connell had nothing to do with this piece of misinformation.  Turns out the reporter from ABC was the one who was incorrect.  We guess ABC must use the same Fact Checkers as Rolling Stone. 

    “HI, STEPHEN.  CONGRATULATIONS!  I’M NOT ACTUALLY HERE RIGHT NOW, I’M A HALLUCINATION AN ABC REPORTER IS EXPERIENCING AFTER TAKING SOME BAD PSILOCYBIN MUSHROOMS.  BUT I’D STILL LIKE TO SHOW MY PENIS TO THAT HOT BLONDE IN THE FRONT ROW”

    7:32:10 a.m. –  VINNIE FROM QUEENS – The Panel discusses whether Johnny Football or Jay Cutler sucks more, who’s to blame for the Knicks sucking…Phil Jackson,  Carmelo Anthony, or the coach, Derek Fisher, and how Gunz is NEVER going to get laid.

    THAT’S ABOUT AS CLOSE AS GUNZ IS GOING TO GET TO ONE

    8:06:32 a.m. –  Ed Henry phones in about President Obama calling out North Korea.  Well, he’s not going to call them out by NAME, or anything. 

    ED AND HIS BFF KIM

    8:06:32 a.m. –  The I-Man opines that he loves Josh Earnest.  “Is he bangable, Dagen?”  She says “As a general rule, Mouthpieces and PR Flacks are not Bangable.”   “No, I meant for me…”

    “I APPRECIATE THE COMPLIMENT, IMUS, BUT…I’M NOT THAT INTERESTED”

    8:15:30 a.m. –  A new security system for the White House is the result of a study done by the Secret Service.  It only took 3 Months, 45.2 Million Dollars and Julia Pearson’s Brother in Law…who works as a Fencing Contractor.

    THE NEW SECURITY MEASURE AT THE WHITE HOUSE

    8:38:14 a.m. –  The I-Man and Neil Cavuto have a very warm, cordial, quiet visit together on the air…okay, we can’t tell a lie, because it’s Christmas.  Cavuto opens the segment with… “Good Morning Cadaver”.   Hurtful words from Mr. Cavuto levied against the I-Man during this festive Holiday Season. He would be in danger of getting coal in his stocking…but Santa would be afraid that Neil would eat it.  Which is also the reason why the Maintenance department no longer puts the urinal cakes in the Men’s bathrooms at Fox.  Neil also says that Imus was around “When Millard Fillmore was President.” What he neglects to mention is that The Boss had Fillmore on his ‘Telegraph Program’, and was the one who dragged that “White haired fat bastard over the finish line.” Prior to appearing with the I-Man, Fillmore didn’t have a chance!  Take that, Neil! 

    ACTUALLY, WE’D PREFER TO FIND A LUMP OF COAL

      

    “DOT DOT DOT…DASH DOT DASH…DASH DASH DOT DOT DOT DASH DOT DASH DOT DASH DOT DASH…DOT DASH…DASH DASH DASH…DOT DOT DASH DASH.”

    (EVERYBODY SAY BAYYYYYYBEEEEE!  MILLARD FILLMORE IS MY GUEST…)

     

    ON THE TWELFTH VIDEO OF THE DAY OF CHRISTMAS

    Your True Loves Gave To Thee

     

    DARLENE LOVE

    And One of the GREATEST Christmas Songs EVER!

    A David Letterman Show Tradition

    That is Currently In It’s 28th Year!

     

    The First One:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-8ZERV_D_Q 

     

    Last Year’s

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7M6wRPuD2w

    Thursday
    Dec182014

    You Can't Fix Stupid

    6:05:10 a.m. – “It’s Ron White’s Birthday today,” the I-Man informs us.  Okay…so?  It’s also the birthday of 20 million other, funnier people in the world.

    THE BIRTHDAY BOY IS 58 TODAY.  AT LEAST HE LOOKS GOOD. ‘YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID’?  GUESS ‘ YOU CAN’T FIX CIRROHSIS’ EITHER.  

    6:07:14 a.m. – The I-Man wants Bigfoot to run a clip from Bret Baier’s program last night, because he wants us all to see Marco Rubio’s ears.  Which are A- MASSIVE, and B- Pointed.  “Like Dr. Spock’s.” Imus offers.  Everybody knows ‘Mr. Spock’, the Vulcan Science Officer from Star Trek’s U.S.S. Enterprise, but only the I-Man knows about ‘Dr. Spock’, a pediatrician who tended to all the alien children on the ship, and advised their parents on how to raise them properly.

    MR. RUBIO & DR. SPOCK ON THE BRIDGE, PREPARING TO FIGHT THE KLINGONS

    6:12:24 a.m. – Connell reports that Vladimir Putin is holding his annual news conference while Russia is in an economic freefall.   The I-Man predicts that ‘Putie Pute’ will be hung like Mussolini.  Well, not ‘Hung’ like Mussolini, because, apparently, Il Duce had quite a Braciole between his legs, but rather, hanged from a lamp post with his shirt off… wearing nipple clamps. 

    PUTIN:  HIS SAFE WORD IS “NYET”

    6:16:32 a.m. – Brant tells Imus on the way over to the studio this morning, that former New York Governor George Pataki is thinking about making a presidential run.  The I-Man says that BRANT will be president before George Pataki.  That will certainly make the ‘State of the Union’ address that much more interesting.  It would take Brant about 4 hours to get from the White House to the Capitol Building, after he takes that shortcut through Delaware.

    “MY FELLOW AMERICANS…I’M…NOT SURE…WHAT THE STATE OF THE UNION IS.  I’M NOT EVEN SURE IF I’M IN THE RIGHT PLACE…”

    6:18:47 a.m. – The I-Man has discovered a new way to deal with his wife:  “I don’t criticize her about ANYTHING.  And she hasn’t called me an ‘Abusive F@#king @$$hole’ in a week.”   He should write a ‘How To’ Book for the rest of us on how to make OUR wives happy.  We think chapter one will read:  “Be An Old Millionaire With Health Challenges And No Pre-nup”.

    CHAPTER ONE: LEARNING HOW TO SAY ‘YES, DEAR’ WITHOUT MAKING IT SEEM GRATUITOUS.

    6:38:08 a.m. –   Mike Baker is on to discuss the Sony Hack attack.   He is of the opinion that Sony pulling the Seth Rogen movie from the theaters is okay, because there are some credible threats.  Although if Rogen’s new film had been pulled a few years ago, people would say ‘The Terrorists Win’.  Now, with the picture not opening at all, WE’RE the ones who win.

    REMIND US AGAIN, WHY IS THIS GUY FAMOUS?

    6:41:39 a.m. –   Agent Baker informs us that he has three sons that are named, Scooter, Sluggo and Mugsy.  He says that these are not nicknames, they are their real, official, social security numbered, birth names. We think that Baker is now officially the coolest Dad on the planet, until, off the air, he reveals that they, in fact, have ‘normal’ names.  It was too much to hope for that there was a ‘Sluggo Baker’  ‘Scooter Baker’ or ‘Baker…Mugsy Baker’ in the CIA.

    SLUGGO AND MUGSY ON THEIR WAY TO MIDDLE SCHOOL

    7:05:10 a.m. – Imus talks about the extraordinary kids from the Ranch and the Rodeo, and how they have made up Wyatt’s circle of friends since he was a young child.  The Boss is especially impressed with the Rodeo Kids, who, although, like other teenagers, they drink alcohol and smoke weed, they say ‘Yes sir’ and ‘No sir’ when they’re doing it.

    “IS THAT WEED YOU’RE SMOKING?”

    “YES SIR.”

    “HAVE ANY MORE?”

    “NO SIR.

    7:18:36 a.m. –  The I-Man checks in on Ashley Webster, who begins a diatribe about Sony caving in to North Korea.  Apparently, Ashley is very ‘Pissed Off’ about it.  We assume he’s a big Seth Rogen fan, but then again, he IS British, and they find ‘Unfunny Comedy’ funny.  After railing about how annoyed he is about the situation, there is an uncomfortable silence…which Imus breaks by asking Connell, “Do you remember me asking Ashley what he thought about that?”

    MR. WEBSTER GETS A FRESH PIECE OF DUCT TAPE PUT OVER HIS MOUTH, LEST HE CONSIDER ‘WEIGHING IN’ ON ANYTHING AGAIN

    7:40:10 a.m. –  THE MENSA MEETING – begins especially contentiously this morning.  They discuss the merits of Sony removing ‘The Interview’ from theaters, and the President’s new policy on Cuba.  As usual, Alan Colmes is treated like Frankenstein’s Monster, being hunted by torch and pitchfork carrying villagers.

    “BRING OUT THE LIBERAL MONSTER!  BRING OUT THE LIBERAL MONSTER!”

    7:62:03 p.m. –  Bernie and Alan don’t seem to have a problem with normalizing relations with Cuba.  Gunz would be happy with ANY relations, as he hasn’t had any recently, having been caught in a ‘Intercourse Embargo’ for some time now…like decades.  When asked what he thinks about ‘Cuba’, he answers that although he’s a fan of his Academy Award winning performance in ‘Jerry Maguire’, he hasn’t really done anything of merit since.

     “HEY GUNZ…SHOW ME THE NOOKIE!”

    8:06:32 a.m. – Dagen and Ashley have an on air argument about the Sony / North Korea imbroglio.  They debate fiercely, only to find that they totally agree with each other.  It’s so unlike Dagen to go ‘Bat S#*t Crazy’ on anything, without knowing what she’s going ‘Bat S#*t Crazy’ about.

    8:40:16 a.m. –  Frank Rich phones in and sings the praises of Julia Louis Dreyfus, who stars in the HBO Comedy Series ‘Veep’.  We agree that she’s brilliant…and don’t know why she wouldn’t be wrongly and gratuitiously savaged the way he did all those Broadway Shows he helped close back in the 80’s…until we realize that he is the Executive Producer of the show.  He says that he doesn’t celebrate Hanukkah or Christmas, for that matter.  Makes sense, because we think that, due to his brutal Theatre reviews, he doesn’t get invited to any Holiday Parties either.  So he probably doesn’t celebrate Easter, Passover, or Chinese New Year either.

    “NOBODY MAKE ANY NOISE…FRANK RICH IS JUST AROUND THE

    8:38:14 a.m. –  We wanted to see if any of you noticed the 7:62:03 p.m. entry.  Just to insure you’re still paying attention.

    9:05:10 a.m. –  Gunz was on Neil Cavuto’s program…we’re sorry, “That Sonofab*@%h Gunz” according to Imus, as when young Gunzelman appeared in Cavuto’s  ‘Generation Hexed’ segment, his designation was “Internet Radio Host”…and not “Imus in the Morning”…or even more accurately, “Warner’s Butt Boy”.  We never heard ‘The Gunz Show’ online…and apparently, nobody else has either, hence his cheesy attempt to promote it on Neil’s show.  Apparently, Gunz isn’t aware that Neil’s demographic thinks that ‘Fall Out Boy’, is a kid having a seizure.

    GUNZ HAS A SEIZURE…UM… ‘DANCES’ TO SOME ‘FALL OUT BOY’

    (ARTIST’S RENDERING)

     

    ON THE 11TH VIDEO OF THE DAY OF CHRISTMAS

    (AND THE THIRD NIGHT OF HANUKKAH)

    YOUR TRUE LOVES GAVE TO THEE

     

    The Ultimate, Accappella Hanukkah Mashup

    From

    “Stand Four”

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAbTDHblxFM