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    Friday
    Apr112014

    Leaving on the I-Jet

    6:05:10 a.m. – Vindication for Tony!  His position on Connecticut Basketball Coach, Kevin Ollie, being a viable NBA Coach, was a sound idea.  At least according to Lupica.  He has received the Sacred Sports Imprimatur.  Walk talk, Tony.  Just not next to Lupy.

    MIKEY THROWS OUT THE FIRST PITCH ON ‘IRISH NIGHT’ AT YANKEE STADIUM.  WHY AN ITALIAN MAN WAS THROWING OUT THE FIRST PITCH IS ANYBODY’S GUESS.

    6:12:24 –  Dagen announces that Glenn Frye inducted Linda Ronstadt into the Rock n’ Roll Hall O’ Fame, while the I-Man maintains that, back in Makeup, she said it was Don Henley.  It really doesn’t matter.  It’s amazing that he believes he can remember anything.  He forgets what he’s talking about in mid-sentence.  He probably forgot he even likes the Eagles.  He probably thought Don Henley was the guy from ‘Miami Vice’. 

    “PLAY ‘DESPERADO!”

    6:27:24 –  Video of Hilary Clinton giving a speech in Las Vegas at The Mandalay Bay Hotel and Casino, during which, a shoe was thrown at her.  The I-Man notices that Hilary ducked late.  Probably because she’s usually the one throwing the shoe…or ashtray…or toaster at her husband.

    COINCIDENCE?  IT’S BUBBA’S SIZE

    6:35:07 a.m. – History Professor at Rice University, Doug Brinkley, is on to discuss Chuck Berry and Woody Guthrie.  Who, as far as we know, never played together.  Professor Brinkley is teaching a course about Woody Guthrie, so, it’s a safe bet that ‘This Land Is Your Land’ will be on the final. 

    WOODY WITH HIS GUITAR, ‘THE MACHINE THAT KILLS FACISTS’

    7:12:24a.m. – Warner reports on Michael Pineda, starting pitcher for the Yankees, being caught with a dark substance on his hand.  Yes.  It’s called…his hand.  He’s a black man, from the Dominican Republic, Warner.  He’s got a black substance all over his body.  The STICKY substance on his hand is from the Jelly Donut he ate in the dugout.

    THERE’S A DARK SUBSTANCE ON HIS PENIS, TOO…WHICH IS ALSO ‘STICKY’…WHICH MEANS THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND HAD A JELLY DONUT IN THE DUGOUT TOO

    7:28:34 a.m. – A clip of The Great One, Mark Levin, is played, in which his producer, Gunz, is asked about the hateful names he’s been called, to which, Gunz answers, “Yeah, there’s a lot of ‘Anti-Jew’ stuff”.  We know he means ‘Anti-Semitic’…but also that he’s technically, a ‘Trainable’.   Levin continues: “Call screener…turn on your microphone.”  Call Screener?  Gunz has worked for this nut for the past 7 years.  He doesn’t know his name? 

    “YOU!  WOMAN FROM WHOSE LOINS I SPRUNG!  WHAT’S YOUR NAME AGAIN?”

    7:39:34 a.m. – VINNIE FROM QUEENS!   One of the questions is ‘Who is your favorite fat Sports figure?’   For us, it’s a tossup between Babe Ruth and that guy Lambeau Field.  He’s huge.

    LOOK AT THE ASS ON THIS GUY

    7:41:34 a.m. – After last week’s betrayal, it’s clear that Warner is sucking up to Nat.  After pushing him off the platform onto the subway track this past Friday, he goes out of his way to give Nat credit for his opinions.  He must really feel bad.  NOBODY gives Nat credit for ANYTHING.  He’s like the Little Richard of the Imus in the Morning Program.  Except he’s not that ‘little’. 

    ‘LITTLE NAT’   SHUT UP.

    8:05:10 a.m. – ‘Larry Flynt’ has written a song about Colbert, which he is allowed to do live, back in the Green Room.  It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but Tony looks for it on ‘iTunes’, so he can submit it for ‘I-Music’ this Monday.  It’ll be better than anything Dagen comes up with.

    Stephen Colbert, is getting Letterman’s chair

    And he’ll be a multi-millionaire

    Rush Limbaugh thinks the decision redefines what is funny

    And his position is CBS will waste their money

    So Rush before you get way too overblown take an oxycodone

    Say a prayer, and go kiss Stephen’s rear in Times Square

     

    Stephen Colbert, y’know he just doesn’t care

    And he likes to shave his pubic hair

    He shapes it all nice and tidy…to look like a bald eagle

    Monday to Friday…which although is not illegal

    Would surely be considered bad taste, like the flag being defaced,

    But you’LL stare at what’s there in Colbert’s underwear

    THE B-SIDE IS ‘YOU LIFT ME UP’

    8:36:14 a.m. – Christopher ‘Mad Dog’ Russo is on, and basically an extension of ‘Vinnie From Queens’ except it’s only one person.  The I-Man and Russo spar over what’s a more ‘American’ Sport.  The Rodeo or Baseball.  We’re not sure…but the discussion DOES make us long for a rope and a bat.

    MAFIA ‘PINCH HIT MAN’ 

    “YO!  HOW LONG’D IT TAKE TO TIE HIM UP?”

    8:48:14 a.m. – Russo is incredulous at the I-Man’s weekend plans.  “You mean, you fly your kid down to Texas, put him on a horse…and you WATCH that?”  It’s certainly better than what Fruit Loops will be doing with HIS weekend:  Throwing Darts at a Mike Francesa poster, eating pudding and kissing his autographed photo of Will Clark.

    WILL THE THRILL…HE’S NOT BLEEDING, THAT’S MAD DOG’S LIPSTICK – HE’S AS SURPRISED AS WE ARE…HE THOUGHT RUSSO WOULD’VE GONE WITH MORE OF AN ‘EARTH TONE’

    9:17:34 a.m. –  The I-Man will be leaving for Texas…on the I-Jet.  Which, we certainly hope, doesn’t have a flight plan that includes the Indian Ocean…but that would only be if BRANT were flying the plane.

    “HEY, ‘SKIPPER’.  I DON’T REMEMBER THERE BEING SUCH LARGE LAKES OVER TEXAS”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    THIS IS THE ‘HEIR TO THE ‘LATE NIGHT’ THRONE:

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pDbyisUGKc 

    Thursday
    Apr102014

    Global Warming

    6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man begins the morning irritated with Tony’s ‘Stupid’ ‘Vinnie From Queens’ question.  It’s probably Rob’s fault.  They realize he’s not happy with them, and, in the interests of the program, set out to find him some other comedians he can hire…who won’t start irritating him until their second week.

    A NEW PROSPECT FOR OUR REPLACEMENT

    6:35:07 a.m. – Stuart Varney and the I-Man get into a debate about Global Warming.  Varney doesn’t buy the signs behind it.  He points out that only 98% of Scientists believe it’s real.  Apparently, Varney likes his Environmental Philosophy the way he likes his milk:  2%.   Which is ironic, especially considering that it’s the methane from Dairy Cow Farts that causes most of the damage to the Ozone Layer

    A CONTROVERSIAL SOLUTION TO GLOBAL WARMING

    6:40:46 a.m. – Stuart points out that there are actually, little known BENEFITS of Global Warming…such as the production of higher crop yields…due to increasing temperatures…then there’s always the massive flooding, which allows EVERYBODY to have a pool.

    A COUPLE TAKE A FRIENDLY DIP IN THE DRIVEWAY WITH THE NEIGHBORS

    7:05:10 a.m. – Connell reports a story about the sentencing of the woman who murdered her husband with the heel of her shoe.  Dagen points out that “It wasn’t a particularly sharp heel, so she really had to put some force behind it.”  Interestingly enough, ‘Shoe Murder’ doesn’t exist in the Lesbian Community because Birkenstocks don’t have heels.

    SISTERS OF SAPPHO:  YOU ARE SAFE.  (BUT SHAVE THEM LEGS, BABY)

    7:39:34 a.m. – The Mensa Meeting…the most wrongly named segment on Television.  The panel’s first topic is ‘The Rock n’ Roll’ Hall of Fame inductees, where Dagen is quite dismissive of ‘Kiss’, while Deirdre says she was actually intrigued by them…she dug the Platform Shoes, the Kabuki Makeup, The Big Ass Boots…The Giant Tongue…   Ahem.  

    17 YEAR OLD DEIRDRE COLEMAN WITH THE BAND…SHE PROVIDED THEM WITH THEIR ORGANIC BACKSTAGE RIDER

    7:41:34 a.m. – The topic then switches to ‘Global Warming’.  Deirdre and Alan Colmes actually AGREE.  And if THAT isn’t one of the four signs of the Impending Apocalypse…no WONDER the planet’s getting hot… 

    “YOU STILL THINK THIS SH**’S NOT REAL, MOTHER F**KER?  I CAN’T TREAD WATER ALL THAT F**KING LONG!”

    7:47:34 a.m. – Then, the panel debates California’s proposed Bill to end the Killer Whale Shows at SeaWorld…and Alan steps up and says he is “Against the use of animals for entertainment…”  Deirdre then asks him if he eats meat.  So much for their brief alliance.  Alan admits that he, indeed, DOES eat meat…but not for entertainment purposes…as they usually serve dinner AFTER the singer is finished.

    ALAN PREPARES TO MISTREAT HIS  LUNCH

    8:05:10 a.m. – Imus plays a clip of the MLB Network’s Christopher ‘Mad Dog’ Russo’s rant on Baseball Executive’s proposal to shorten games to 7 innings.   It’s understandable, as it usually takes Russo at least 9 innings to articulate a coherent thought.  He screams for the return of the ‘Twi-Night Double Header’…we don’t have the heart to tell him that’s not Back to Back Games played by Vampires.  (And when they win and dump a cooler, filled with blood, on the coach…)

    ‘BELA NOSFERATU’, FIRST BASEMAN FOR THE YUGOSLAVIAN NECROMANCERS

    (YOU SHOULD SEE THE BAT BOY)

    8:17:24 a.m. – The I-Man weighs in on the Male Strippers performing at the Nursing Home on Long Island, giving lap dances to an 87 year old Alzheimer’s patient.  There’s a lawsuit involved, wherein the son of the old lady in question maintains that his mother’s mental capacity was diminished to the point that she could not express her wish to decline the lapdance.   Meanwhile, she was stuffing her Social Security Check instead of a single down the front of his Speedo, shouting, ‘Kielbasa for dinner, tonight!’   

    FIRST, SHE TRIED SWIPING HER MEDICAID CARD IN HIS CRACK       

    8:36:14 a.m. – All Star Attorney Joe Tacopina is on to discuss the Pistorius case…and we learn that Joe, even though he believes Oscar is guilty, maintains that he could easily mount a defense for him. Tacopina’s ‘Tack’?    Pistorius wouldn’t be able to chase the assumed intruder out of the house, and, being vertically-challenged, he would have had to shoot all over the the door to hit the target.

    TACOPINA: “THE GROUPING SUGGESTS THAT, IF HE HAD ACTUALLY FIRED THESE SHOTS, THE ONES AT THE TOP OF THE DOOR WOULD REQUIRE THE USE OF A SCOPE”

    8:48:14 a.m. – We interview Mr. Tacopina back in the Green Room.  I-Man has Tony ask Joe if he felt like he had to take a shower after representing Alex Rodriguez.  We learn that A-Rod has ‘excellent grooming habits’…Tacopina mistaking the question as an inquiry as to Mr. Rodriguez’ showering schedule.  We are sure both of them are very hygienic…which prompts Rob to drop trou and offer his butt to Joe for a shot of HGH.  Instead, he gets a brief, though tender, Gluteal Massage.  So full, so round, so firmly packed.

    9:17:34 a.m. – Warner reports a story about Arnold Palmer on the Golf Course, pulling down his pants and pinching one off on the green. Must’ve been too many of those Iced Tea/Lemonades.  We are shocked that ol’ Arnie ‘Left a Bogey’ on the course, we expect that kind of behavior from Jack Nicklaus.  But at least ‘The Bear’ sh**s in the woods.   Of course…because he’s a ‘Pooh Bear’.

    YES, THEY DO #2 IN THE WOODS…BUT WHEN THEY HAVE TO TINKLE…

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    COWS ARE NOT THE ONLY ANIMAL POSING A THREAT TO THE ENVIRONMENT

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GO3lgO55kuY 

    Wednesday
    Apr092014

    Murder/Suicide

    6:05:10 a.m. – Warner reports the ‘Beat Down’ UCONN gave Notre Dame last night.  79-58, which leads him to the fascinating thought:  UCONN’s National Men’s Championship Team, should play UCONN’s National Women’s Championship Team, for a charity event.  He suggests that they spot the women 35 points before Tip-Off.  It’s 6:06 a.m.  Warner is already halfway through the box of Pinot Noir.  Wine: They Drink It For Breakfast In France.

    “HOW ABOUT THIS?  SERENA WILLIAMS PLAYS NOVAK DJOKOVIC FOR CHARITY?  IT COULD BE LIKE THE BOBBY RIGGS VERSUS BILLIE JEAN KING…EXCEPT SERENA’S NOT A LESBIAN.”

    6:11:12 a.m. – There is a report that the battery is dying in the black box of Flight 370.  The I-Man muses that the batteries in his hearing aid last longer than that.  Which is good to know when your hearing aid is in the bottom of the Indian Ocean.  We would question his assessment of his hearing aid’s reserve power…because he still can’t hear a F**king thing.

    “HEY I-MAN!  I THINK I FOUND YOUR HEARING AID!  “WHAT?” “I THINK I FOUND YOUR HEARING AID!”  “WHAT?”  “I THINK I FOUND…FORGET IT.  IT’S STILL WORKING.  NOT BECAUSE THE BATTERY IS SO GOOD, BUT BECAUSE ALL THAT EARWAX MADE IT WATERPROOF.”

    6:40:46 a.m. – The I-Man promos Carl Hoffman’s ‘Savage Harvest: A Tale of Cannibals, Colonialism, and Michael Rockefellers’s Tragic Quest For Primitive Art.’  Which, much to Rob’s Chagrin, is NOT a cookbook, filled with recipes for how to cook humans.  It is a tragic story, for if Mr. Rockefeller had only walked outside of the building named after his family, he could have found HUNDREDS of people on the sidewalk, selling primitive art.  And they wouldn’t eat him.

    SOME OF THE ‘PRIMITIVE ART’ CAN BE MADE ON THE SPOT.  WITH YOU ACTUALLY IN IT…WITH A BIG, EXAGGERATED HEAD…RIDING A SKATEBOARD.

    7:05:10 a.m. – It seems that ‘The Godfather’ has written a Children’s Book about the Reverend Al controversy:  “The Cat Ain’t A Rat”.  Timely as today’s headlines:

    I am Al. Al I am. Some people think that I’m a ham.

    If there’s a camera, my picture’s in it.  Any story, I can spin it.

    Once worked for the FBI, I was kind of like a spy

    CI-7 Agent Sharpton, almost wound up on a milk carton

    Got in a jam and cut a deal, instead of doing time I squealed

    To wear a wire was my job, taped conversations with the mob

    Notified my next of kin, dropped a dime on Vince the Chin,

    That dude walked ‘round in his pajamas

    That looked just like my Baby Mama’s

    I know the family Genovese,

    With me would not be all that pleased

    But inform I did, in much detail, to keep my fat ass out of jail

    The Post says that I was a snitch?

    Don’t make get up in this bitch

    Hit someone with a baseball bat,

    Cos’ Reverend Al he don’t play that

    I never ever was a rat, I’m a cat… I’m cool like that

    7:17:34 a.m. – The I-Man plays George Strait’s ‘I Got A Car’  which, apparently, is a pick up line that works for ol’ George.  It sure wouldn’t be successful here in New York.  You want to impress a woman in Manhattan, your opening line has to be ‘I Got A Job’.  Or, ‘I Got A Large Penis’.  We know George has the former…not sure about the latter.

    “BUT IT’S A REALLY BIG CAR!”

    7:25:34 a.m. –  The I-Man has been reading Carl Hoffman’s book all during the program…and relates to us that the Dutch Government and the Catholic Church were aware that Michael Rockefeller didn’t drown and that he was eaten by Cannibals.  We’re not sure how they knew, other than they found one cannibal picking his teeth with a finger that had a Harvard ring on it. Or perhaps, it was the canoe they used that had two nipples and a nose.  “Those aren’t oarlocks.  I think those are ears!”

    “LET’S NOT EAT HIM.  HE’LL PROBABLY TASTE FUNNY.”

    7:35:34 a.m. –  ‘Blonde on Blonde’, or, as we like to call it, “Murder/Suicide”, because about twenty seconds in, we want to perform both of those acts…but not necessarily in that order.  (Last man standing, turn out the lights.)

    THIS IS EITHER THE GREEN ROOM IN ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES…OR WE’VE UNCOVERED ANOTHER KEITH HARING PAINTING

    7:41:08 a.m. –  It’s getting ugly in there…between Obama not paying the women in the White House at a wage commensurate with their male counterparts, and the study that suggests that women who eat an ‘Organic Diet’ are no less likely to develop Cancer than those who eat a ‘Non-Organic’ diet, it’s like a No-Holds-Barred, Girl on Girl, Steel Cage Match.’

    LIS AND DEIRDRE… ‘GO AT IT’

    7:54:19 a.m. – Imus says to Deirdre, “You know, you’re not any different here than you are at home.” a statement that has done the impossible:  Made us sympathetic to the plight of The I-Man.  Off the air, Deirdre compares Lis to a ‘Tainted Beaker in a Science Experiment.’

    425 MILLILETERS OF ‘TAINTED LIS WIEHL’.  WE WOULD GLADLY GARGLE WITH THAT.

    8:05:10 a.m. – Chuck Chaffin, a Fox Business I I T M viewer, (Tweeting as @3rdedit) observes: “Why put the camera on Imus when he's eating? My God! It's pathetic! His upper lip rolls over like a horse & he drools.” We don’t know what he’s talking about.  We’ve never seen The Boss’ lip roll over.  And he only drools at work, because when he’s at home, Deirdre doesn’t make anything that actually makes his mouth water.

    “JESUS…CAN’T YOU PUT SOME BACON AND CHEESE IN THAT…SO IT DOESN’T TASTE LIKE A PIECE OF CARDBOARD SH**?”

    8:26:14 a.m. – Carl Hoffman is on to promote his new book, which we mentioned earlier.  It really is a fascinating, if not nauseating, story.  We have some burning questions we’d like answered:  ‘Do Cannibals, as we do, at Thanksgiving, also fight over the ‘Wishbone’?  ‘Do they use the human ‘giblets’ to make gravy? ‘  ‘Do they prefer ‘The White Meat’?’  and… ‘What do you serve as a ‘side dish’ when cooking a 23 year old Billionaire Art Afficianado?’  Seeing as he was an Art Collector, we certainly hope they appealed to his sensibilities, and stuck some of those ‘Paper Booties’ on his feet before they brought him to the table.  One thing is for sure, although it IS meat, Deirdre would be okay with Human…because it IS Organic.  Unless, of course, the human smokes.  If it were up to us, that wouldn’t be a problem.  We’re big fans of ‘Smoked Meats’.  

    “MICHAEL ROCKEFELLER?  A LOVELY CHAP.  WE’RE HAVING HIM OVER…FOR DINNER.”

    8:40:14 a.m. – Carl Hoffman’s segment begins with Imus retelling his driver, Brant’s, father’s harrowing story, about the time when he crash landed in New Guinea.  Brant’s Dad did not get eaten by the Cannibals, however.  He was in the Army Air Corps.  And those guys are way too tough.  You have to boil those bomber jackets for a really long time just to make them soft enough to chew.

    “HEY…CHIEF!  EAT THIS!

    8:53:10 a.m. – After Carl’s fascinating stories about Michael Rockefeller, Warner has a very strange question…although not all that strange for him:  “What kind of wine do you serve with a Rockefeller Roast?”   According to our Cannibal Sommelier, “A Barolo is deep and complex and would wrap itself around a Human Brisket like a glove.”   Then there’s always the Hannibal Lecter Vineyards’  ‘Nice Chianti’.  But you can also drink an ice cold beer.  You’re at a ‘Cookout’, you’re in the fresh air, so the casual environment would allow for a different beverage choice.  We recommend ‘Sam Adams’.  He tastes pretty damn good when he’s cold.

    WHEN DINING ON  RICHARD SIMMONS, WE RECOMMEND SOMETHING WITH ‘FRUITY’ NOTES

    (HE TASTES ‘JUST LIKE CHICKEN’)

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    Because you CAN’T get too much of a good thing:  From the ACM Awards, George Strait and ‘I Got A Car’

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jg8B85MW0GA

    (We know Marvin Gaye was ‘Straight’…Does That Mean…? No…we don’t think so.)

     

    Tuesday
    Apr082014

    All About the Eyes

    6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man announces that Delbert McClinton has just undergone a triple cardio bypass…and he uses this news to talk about the importance of diet and not smoking.  It is difficult to stop smoking. It is even more difficult to stop eating…as Mahatma Gandhi could’ve you.

    “OH MY GOLLY GOSH…I AM SO HUNGRY I COULD EAT A BIG MAC”

    6:15:12 a.m. – The Boss engages Lori Rothman who is up on the 12th floor in the other building, observing that her eyes are bloodshot.  He asks Nat if Lori had ‘Rolled herself a fat one’ before going on the air.  Lori says she’s merely a contact wearer, and a woman of her age has problems with dryness.  TMI Lori.  We just wanted to talk about your effing eyes, not get a Peri Menopause update.

    LORI’S… ‘EYES’

    6:36:01 a.m. – Attorney Arthur Aidala is on to talk about the Pistorius trial, and finds it hard to believe that somebody would fire a gun four times into a locked bathroom door.  Of course, Arthur’s never seen Deirdre need to get into the bathroom when the I-Man is hogging up all her time primping his hair.

    DEIRDRE AT THE RANGE GETTING IN A LITTLE ‘TARGET PRACTICE’

    6:50:46 a.m. – In a post-show interview with Mr. Aidala, we find that there was some controversy between him and Dagen.  Apparently, he was offended by a comment that Dagen made on the air the other day about ‘Brooklyn Douchebags with Fedoras and Handlebar Moustaches’.   He takes exception, as he’s from Brooklyn, wears a Fedora, and his father has a Handlebar Moustache…he also has a few clients who, after he represented him, considered him a ‘douchebag’.  Turns out that Dagen didn’t say that at all.  She said ‘Porkpie Hat’.  We assume she still thinks Arthur is a ‘Douchebag’. 

    From the Urban Dictionary: 

    douchebag (noun) doosh-bag

    Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and ***hole, however not yet reached f**ker or mother**ker. Not to be confused with douche.

    Dave: He kept hitting on my girlfriend at the party, he just wouldn’t leave her alone!!
    Sam: God, what a douchebag.

    DAGEN’S ASSESSMENT OF ARTHUR AIDALA

    7:05:10 a.m. – Imus talks about Fox First’s Fox Ainsley Earhardt, and her appearance on Sean Hannity’s fine program.  Apparently, they were talking about Spring Break and the outrage that the annual college tradition.  I-Man notes that Ainsley and her partner Heather Childress are both “Lovely…but you can just tell…they’re just CRAZY…something in their eyes like Bill Hemmer…those wild eyes.”   We agree with the I-Man about Bill Hemmer. He’s got those ‘Friday the 13th’ eyes. Put a hockey mask on that boy, and you’ll never sleep again.   We don’t know about Ainsley and Heather, though, as we’ve never looked up at their eyes.

    OHHHH…WOW!  THEY REALLY DO HAVE NICE EYES!

    7:17:34 a.m. – The I-Man asks if Borro.com has a spot on this morning.  He’s informed that they do.  Rather than read or do the spot itself, he interviews us in the Green Room about the company for 5 minutes, as we did some research on it last week. The way we look at it…Borro.com owes US money.  We were going to send them our Rolexes, but we don’t think we’d get much for them.  They only cost us 20 bucks and Rolex is spelled with a K.

    WE THINK THIS ONE MIGHT BE A FAKE

    7:36:34 a.m. – Hollywood and Vine…the gang discusses the Morning Show Wars.  Imogen says that it’s like The Hunger Games.  Dagen says ‘Al Roker has clearly eaten through his staples.’  She also believes Barbara Walters head is ripe to be place on a Hustler Model…Hmmmmmm.

    CHECK OUT THAT VIEW!

    8:05:10 a.m. – The Boss is talking about upcoming I-Fave, Matt Taibbi…who is leaving Rolling Stone.  We hope it’s not because Jann Wenner was hitting on him.  Or maybe it was Ben Fong Torres.  We know it wasn’t Annie Liebowitz.

    “HEY MATT…YOU LIKE GLADIATOR MOVIES?  EVER SEEN A GROWN MAN NAKED?”

      

    ACTUALLY, THIS WOULD TURN ANY MAN

    (NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT)

    8:17:24 a.m. – The I-Man is back on his ‘Ainsley’ rant again. “Who names their kid Ainsley?”  We would surmise people who have tires on the roofs of their homes…who consider Ranch Dressing one of the four food groups…and for whom teeth…are an option.

    OTIS NAMED SIX OF HIS NINE KIDS AINSLEY

    (HE FINALLY PUT THAT SECOND BATHROOM IN THE TRAILER…WELL…ON  THE TRAILER)

    8:36:14 a.m. – Matt Taibbi is on and discusses his departure from Rolling Stone.  The I-Man compares Matt to Hunter Thompson…AGAIN.  Nothing a writer likes more than being compared to another writer…who’s dead.  He wants to know how Matt learned how to write…  Apparently, Mr. Taibbi studied the ‘Funny’ Russian Authors.  So did we.  Yakov Smirnov to name just one.  “What a Country!”

    BORIS AND NATASHA.  TWO OF OUR FAVORITE FUNNY RUSSIAN AUTHORS

    (‘KILL MOOSE AND SQUIRREL’ IS A LITERARY CLASSIC)

    8:40:14 a.m. – Matt is promoting his new book:  ‘The Divide – American Injustice in the Age of the Wealth Gap’.  We think we’re going to wait for the movie.   The only gaps we’re familiar with are the place where you buy Jeans and that space between David Letterman’s teeth.

    MATT TAIBBI: TOO SMART FOR ROLLING STONE

    (AND, COME TO THINK OF IT, TOO SMART FOR THE ROLLING STONES AS WELL)

    9:05:10 A.M. – Back in the Green Room, Matt regales us with some stories about his time playing Basketball in Mongolia for the Mountain Eagles.  He was number ‘Zero’.  And the tallest member on the team.  He was, essentially, the Mongolian Yao Ming.  The hardest part of playing was not being able to practice during Yak Hunting Season.

    TAIBBI’S COACH, GANBAATAR, WITH THE TEAM MASCOT 

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    BREAKING NEWS:  BORIS AND NATASHA ARE BEING DEPORTED

      

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoeHDeQiMuE

    Monday
    Apr072014

    The Trouble With Superimposing

    6:05:10 a.m. – Mickey Rooney is dead.  And the I-Man says he thought that he had died 20 years ago.  And today, we’re reminded that he was alive…because he just died.  We’re glad the I-Man brought this up.  For awhile there, this morning, we thought HE was dead.

    THE I-MAN, ANGRY AT NAT BECAUSE IT’S ‘TOO COLD’

    6:06:12 a.m. – Imus watched a little of the Academy of Country Music Awards last night, on which, there were a number of guys in tight T-Shirts and backwards caps performing.  An acquaintance of the I-Man’s remarked:  “Isn’t it great that they have so many gays in Country Music?”  If wearing a tight T-Shirt and a backwards cap makes you gay, then most of Alabama can march in the Pride Parade.

    LEE BRICE AND ZAC BROWN.  WE DON’T THINK THEY’RE DATING.  BUT YOU NEVER KNOW

    6:08:16 a.m. – The Boss promotes Bo Dietl’s upcoming appearance on the program, but slips and calls him ‘Bo Diddley’.  It would be pretty great if Bo Diddley WAS on the program, seeing as how he’s dead, at least we think he’s dead…he could die this morning just to remind us he’s not dead…like Mickey Rooney.

    BO DIDDLEY SHOWS OFF HIS AMPLIFIED COFFIN

     “BO DIDDLEY BO DIDDLEY, ARE YOU DEAD?”

    “IN 2008 I NEVER GOT OUTTA BED.”

    6:43:46 a.m. – Detective Dietl is on.  And he’s fired up again, as he was last week about Benghazi.  He’s worried he’s not ‘explanatory enough to articulizate’ his thoughts…and about to burst a blood vessel, while we’re all ‘Hilary Clinton’:  “What difference does it make?”

    BO AND ONE OF HIS BIGGEST FANS

    7:05:10 a.m. – Connell plays a clip of a tearful Oscar Pistorius, apologizing to the parents of his slain Girlfriend.  He maintained that he was only ‘Trying to protect her.’   Oh, then that’s okay…we can see how shooting her through the bathroom door was in an effort to keep her safe.  He wanted to protect her?  Why didn’t he just get her a dog?

    HE’S JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE THE DOG HAS FEET.  AND AS IF THAT WASN’T BAD ENOUGH, HE’S GOT FOUR OF THEM

    7:07:14 a.m. – Mike Francesa’s program on Fox Sports was pre-empted for a few days by…Soccer.  When he finally comes back to the show, he is under the impression that his audience doesn’t know what’s going on, as he wasn’t on the air to tell them.  Sorry Mikey.  They may be dumb as…well, your old partner, Mad Dog, but they still have a remote control they can use to click on ESPN…and hands they can use to click their mouse on the Sports Illustrated Website, and legs with which they can use to walk by an EFFIN NEWSPAPER!!

    AND FRANCESA HAS A SOFT HEAD

    7:46:34 a.m. – ‘I-Music’ is the name of the segment formerly known as ‘It Might Be Elvis’  Why I-Music?  Because ‘I-Tunes’ is already taken.  As per the new criterion, all the songs have to be Country Songs.  So in case you haven’t heard enough about some dude, drunk in his truck doing donuts in the Stuckey’s parking lot, because his best friend stole his girl, you’re in luck.  The only song that gets added to the I-Man’s Power Rotation list, is the one he proposed by George Strait, “I Got A Car”, every second of which you listen to it, you lose 12 IQ points.

    JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE ONE, DOESN’T MEAN YOU NEED TO WRITE A SONG ABOUT IT.  WHAT’S NEXT?  ‘I HAVE A WASHING MACHINE’?  ‘I HAVE SHOES’?  ‘I HAVE A PROSTATE’?

    8:05:10 a.m. – Breaking news…from now on, we will go back to last week’s ‘New’ ‘New’ Criterion.  Where you can pick any song you want, but unless it’s country he’s not going to play it.

    UNLESS IT’S BY DELBERT…IT AIN’T GONNA GET PLAYED

    8:07:24 a.m. – The I-Man promos Kinky Friedman’s upcoming appearance, to help him in his campaign for Texas Agriculture Commissioner…as he is looking at an uphill battle, because he is for legalizing Marijuana and Hemp…and according to Leif Babin’s father, Brian, anybody who thinks Pot is going to be legalized in Texas…is high.

    WILLIE THINKS ‘KINKY’S GOT A REAL GOOD SHOT AT IT’

    8:26:14 a.m. – The I-Man chastises us for the photo we put in the blog a couple of weeks ago of Mary Higgins Clark.  We superimposed her head on the body of a Hustler Cover Model.  We think that’s the reason why she’s cancelled her upcoming appearance.  We’re heartily sorry for our portrayal of Mary Higgins Clark as hot.  We will never make that mistake again.  We love Mary. She is a loyal sponsor of the Imus Ranch For Kids With Cancer, and her daughter is a lovely lady herself.  From now on, we will just put Carol Higgins Clark’s head on the naked women’s bodies.

    THIS IS OBVIOUSLY PHOTOSHOPPED.  ROB IS DEFINITELY A DD CUP

    8:40:14 a.m. – Kinky is on to discuss the many uses for hemp.  Apparently, you can make a lot of things out of hemp.  30,000, in fact.  Contractors are using Hemp derived products to build houses.  We assume those houses don’t have fireplaces.  We wonder if among the 30,000 uses for Hemp, George Strait songs can be made out of it.

    9:05:10 A.M. – Connell reads a report that rescue crews are racing towards what they believe is an underwater ‘Ping’ from the lost Malaysian Air Flight.  The I-Man claims it’s just Wolf Blitzer’s watch.  Which it probably isn’t as that is more than likely in Anderson Cooper’s butt.

    SHOW US ON THE PUPPET WHERE THE BAD MAN TOUCHED YOU, ANDERSON

    9:07:14 A.M. – The I-Man reveals that he rides an exercise bike as part of his daily workout.  He doesn’t look at the speedometer or odometer or the clock, he figures he will just ride long enough to last through 10 songs on his iPod.  He estimates that each song is about 3 and a half minutes long and so he should be done in about 35 minutes.  What he neglects to figure, is that the playlist includes ‘Inna Gadda Da Vida’, ‘American Pie’, ‘Hey Jude’, ‘Stairway To Heaven’ , ‘Rapper’s Delight’ and the ‘Live’ version of ‘Freebird.’   He biked 47 miles.  He effectively finished the first leg of the Tour de France, and didn’t stop until well after 11:30 P.M.

    THE I-MAN LIKES TO RIDE IN A JACKET AND TIE…IT’S MORE CIVILIZED

    VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

    A TRIBUTE TO THE LATE, GREAT, MICKEY ROONEY

    (WHO, AFTER WATCHING HIM DEAL WITH HIS WIFE IN THIS VIDEO, OBVIOUSLY TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKmSs684hS0

    AND BECAUSE THE I-MAN SAW IT AND THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS HERE’S A BONUS CLIP:

    SETH MCFARLANE ROASTS DONALD TRUMP

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97JSlRgOevg