6:05:10 a.m. – Dagen calls Shaun White a ‘Chokemaster’. We hope she’s referring to his poor performance in the ‘Half Pipe’ at Sochi, and not his ‘Own Pipe’ in his Hotel Bathroom. And that there’s no ‘Chicken’ involved.
SHAUN WHITE: LOSER. ACTUALLY, IT’S CARROT TOP. BUT SHAUN SUCKED SO BAD, WE COULDN’T BEAR TO LOOK AT HIS FACE. (WHICH GIVES YOU AN IDEA OF JUST HOW HORRIFIED WE WERE BY HIS PERFORMANCE, IF WE PREFER TO LOOK AT CARROT TOP’S FACE)
6:16:12 a.m. – Brilliant, author, Dupont award winning Broadcaster and Television journalist, Bernard Goldberg, has sent the I-Man an e-mail that’s so long, the Boss had to add paper to the printer. It’s more like a manifesto; an answer to Imus’ calling Bernie a ‘sycophant’. When any missive begins with the words, “You are one stupid Mother f$%#er”…it’s a pretty safe bet it’s not a fan letter. Note the use of the ‘ER’ version of the epithet, as opposed to the ‘CKA’ spelling. That one is used in the vernacular, usually in good spirits, as in ‘How are you this morning, Mother%#cka?” As opposed to the ‘ER’ suffix, which is what you’re called by the dealer you stiffed, just before he lets go of your ankles sending you 40 stories to the pavement.
BRUCE WILLIS MEANS BUSINESS (‘ER’)
6:37:34 a.m. – Laurie Puhn, Relationship Expert, (And who knew you could major in that in college?) is on to discuss…well, relationships. It’s her controversial opinion that we should say nice things to our partners. Wow. We wonder why we never thought of that when ‘Sharing’ with the bitches we’re married to. We can only hope that her marriage goes South, not that we want to hit on her, (Which…well, she IS a Snappy Dish) but because we would revel in the irony. The I-Man, however, is remarkably reserved. He has to be, as Laurie appears to be such a sweet, lovely, doe-eyed innocent. It would be like taking a baseball bat to Bambi’s kneecaps.
LAURIE PUHN…DOE-EYED INNOCENT
7:05:15 a.m. – The I-Man reads Bernie Goldberg’s letter. Mr. Goldberg suggests that we are pansies because we haven’t climbed over the desk to Jack the Boss’ Jaw. Bernie…keep watching. It’s coming. Just not this week, because we need him to promote our gig at the Paramount Theater in Rutland, Vermont, this Saturday night. (802 775-0905) We are not Pansies. We are merely sycophants with kids whom we need to put through college.
“YOU TALKIN’ TO ME? YOU TALKIN’ TO…ME? WELL…I’M THE ONLY ONE HERE…”
7:20:40 a.m. – We are shocked to find that Mr. Goldberg’s Email to Imus has affected our fearless leader deeply. He has experienced an Electronic Epistle Epiphany. He has come to the realization that people aren’t aware that he’s not serious when he says certain things.. and that, it’s his responsibility to do so. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa…wait a second. This beady eyed little sycophant tosses off a snitty note to the Boss, and now it’s Mea Culpa time? If we had only known…we would’ve been writing letters like that every week and putting Bernie’s name on them. We’re not sure we like this new ‘Kinder Gentler’ I-Man. But then again, there’s still time for the other shoe to drop. The over/under on the 180 is 6 AM tomorrow morning, when it will be… “You know, when you get to thinking about it… F&^K that MOTHERFf#$% ER!” (And he will mean business…with the ER)
APPARENTLY, T-PAIN CAME TO THE I-MAN IN A VISION WITH THE FOLLOWING WORDS OF WISDOM:
“I’M THE MAN IN HERE…YOU BETTER CALM THE F^&% DOWN.”
7:38:16 a.m. – ‘Blonde on Blonde’. Or as we like to call it, “Peroxide Water Torture”. The ladies discuss, among other things, whether or not they would breast feed a puppy. Lis, surprisingly says she wouldn’t…you’d think she’d welcome the attention. But Deirdre says, unequivocally, that she would. Then again…there’s not much difference between the I-Man and a Puppy. Neither one of them will pee where you want them to…and Mrs. Imus has to put newspaper down for both.
“HEY. TELL THE OLD BASTARD NOT TO MARK MY TERRITORY. THIS SPOT IS MINE!”
8:05:02 a.m. – The I-Man wants to make it clear that his discussion about Race with Charles Barkley wasn’t an attempt for him to appear like he’s a ‘Cool White Guy’. Which is comforting to us, because there isn’t ANYTHING the Boss could ever do to make him a ‘Cool White Guy’. He had observed to Mr. Barkley that, in his opinion, that nothing has changed much since Selma. Which is, in some respects, is somewhat true. For example, you’d think after Rosa Parks, the I-Man wouldn’t have to sit in the back of the limo.
IMUS? HE’S A COOL WHITE GUY. ACTUALLY, THAT OLD MOTHERF%$KA IS ALWAYS COLD. (‘KA’)
8:17:34 a.m. – Joseph Abboud has now texted the Boss, in a pathetic attempt to maintain relevancy, “You’ve hurt MY feelings for 20 years, you Son of a Bitch! I’m a designer, and I’m sensitive!” Designer? Wow. Now you’ve hurt OUR feelings.
THANKS FOR THIS ONE, JOE: A LEISURE SUIT OF A FABRIC AND COLOR, NEITHER OF WHICH, ARE FOUND IN NATURE
8:38:37 a.m. – K.T. McFarland is on. We’re huge fans, and, truth be told, we have little bit of a crush on her…we’d love to send her a Valentine, but…what do you give the woman who knows the combination to the Nuclear Football…and can have you Fed Exed to Gitmo for a parking ticket? Imus uses the appearance of this brilliant expert on National Security to ask her what anyone living in this violence-laden environment of terrorism: “Did you watch the Beatles thing the other night?” KT says she has. When asked which one was her favorite Beatle, we were, somewhat surprised to find out it was Murray the K.
MURRAY THE K, THEN… AND NOW. WELL, NOT NOW…AS HE’S CURRENTLY THE ‘THIRD’ BEATLE, IF YOU GET OUR DRIFT. BUT FROM THE ABOVE PHOTO ON THE RIGHT, YOU GET A PRETTY GOOD IDEA WHY HE WORE THE HAT
9:05:10 a.m. – Imus goes on the ‘Strawberry Tirade’ again. Jesus, is there anything worse than an old fruit going on about…fruit?
OKAY. SO IT’S $19.95…BUT…FOR HOW MANY? AND THEN, FOR 10 BUCKS DO WE GET TWICE OF THIS MANY? BUT THEN CAN WE TAKE THE 40% OFF? BECAUSE THE WAY THE SPOT READS…BY THE TIME WE’RE DONE ORDERING, THEY’LL OWE US MONEY
IT JUST SEEMS LIKE HE’S BEEN GOING ON ABOUT IT THAT LONG…
VIDEO OF THE DAY
‘ER’ OR ‘A’?
YOU BE THE JUDGE: