6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man is not happy. Especially with the Fox Business TV audience. He notices that the ratings the past couple of days have sucked. And he’s going to take it out on them. Warner was going to play a really great Charles Barkley clip during the Sports Promo. The Boss, not known for his patience, wants Warner to play it immediately, then decides that he has to discipline himself and “Make you bastards wait.” That’ll show ‘em.
ALL OF YOU IN OUR FOX BUSINESS TV AUDIENCE…USE YOUR WAITING TIME PRODUCTIVELY
(THIS YOGA POSITION IS KNOWN AS THE ‘UPWARD DOG’)
6:07:14 a.m. – The Boss says that every time he goes to Texas, he gets fatter. He’s Six Foot Tall, 159 pounds, and wonders if he should call the NJ Diet people, so he can lose between 20 and 45 pounds in 40 days. There’s another way to achieve the same goal. Go ‘Jesus Style’. Head out to the desert for 40 days and ignore the Devil. He won’t have to worry about any buzzards…there won’t even be enough meat on the I-Man’s carcass for a little Birdie Snack.
“I DUNNO, BOB…IT HARDLY SEEMS WORTH EVEN SWOOPING DOWN TO TAKE A LOOK”
6:12:24 a.m – Connell reports a story about the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, playing hockey with former NHL Stars, Pavel Bure and Alexei Kastonov. Putin’s team won 21-4, with the president scoring 6 goals and 5 assists. The players on the opposing team who scored the 4 goals…are currently skating (on thin ice)…in Siberia.
THE PRESIDENT MUST BE A VERY GOOD SKATER. HE DIDN’T GET ‘CHECKED’ ONCE.
6:35:07 a.m. – “Bo Dietl, Bo Dietl, where you been?” “Up to your mama’s house and back again.” Bo is incensed at this guy ‘Boko Haram’. The I-Man tries to explain to him that it’s not a person…it’s a terrorist organization. It degenerates into a ‘Who’s on first’ routine, with Bo relating that he once provided security for a Middle Eastern Sultan, and so he knows the Sultan of Brunei is a ‘hippo-pottamus’. We think he means ‘Hypocrite’, because they are trying to bring ‘Sheer Law’…which we think he means ‘Sharia Law’…unless he’s referring to really transparent legislation. The quote of the morning is: “Lesbianics are really sexitatious.” How we got from Nigeria to a ‘Munchatation Situation’ is an art that ONLY BO can master.
BO, HAVING A “CONSULTATIONIZATION SITUATION” WITH THE “SULTANIANIC”
6:53:08 a.m. – The I-Man is very excited about the new Seth McFarland Movie ‘A Million Ways To Die in The West’. He says he might actually go to the theater to see it. We shudder to think what that experience might be like. The I-Man, out in ‘The Wild’, at some Jersey Multiplex. People might think they’re in the wrong theater…that somehow, they are seeing ‘Cocoon.’
WILFRED BRIMLEY, DON AMECHE, AND THE I-MAN, IN ‘COCOON’
7:07:28 a.m. – Imus grills Lori Rothman on her Mothers’ Day. It seems that only ‘Part of it sucked’. Someone misbehaved…and it wasn’t the kids. Apparently, there is some tension between Lori and her Mother in Law. We can’t imagine why. Lori is such an easygoing soul.
“HOW CAN I KILL THIS BITCH AND GET AWAY WITH IT?”
LORI ROTHMAN, (R) AND HER MOTHER IN LAW
7:09:24 a.m – We learn that the leader of the Boko Haram leader is Abubakar Shekau. Or, as Bo Dietl pronounces it ‘Abba Dabba Do’
AN ‘ABBA DABBA DOO’
7:39:34 a.m. – “It Might Be Elvis” – A musical suicide note from Mark Knopfler and Van Morrison, an Alan Jackson imitation of Frankie Lane doing Rawhide for the ‘Million Ways To Die In The West’, a Ha Ha Tonka song that has already BEEN on IMBE, and an Eminem clip we can’t hear because it’s…well, Eminem…and it needs about 4 minutes and 9 seconds of editing and the song’s only 4:11.
EVEN MARK KNOPFLER IS BEMUSED
8:16:32 a.m. – Warner reports that Baseball Games are now lasting four hours long… “Where are you going to go?” the I-Man asks anybody watching a Mets Game…as he believes they have NO place to go. It suggests that an awful lot of homeless people are Mets Fans. Yes. And?
A TYPICAL METS FAN
8:18:14 a.m. – The I-Man responds to Charles Barkley’s comments about ‘Fat Girls’ in San Antonio. He notes that they’re not just in San Antonio Texas, some of the rodeos he goes to, he sees some girls in the jeans with the sparkles on the pocket. He’s seen some butts he could set a bucket of water on.
TWO HEALTHY TEXAS GALS IN SPARKLE JEANS. YOU CAN’T SEE THEM SPARKLING, BECAUSE LIGHT CAN’T ESCAPE A BLACK HOLE
8:38:14 a.m. – Rhodes Scholar, New York Times Bestselling Author, U.S. Army Officer, former 82nd Airborne Ranger, Wes Moore is on to discuss the plight of American Veterans, and the documentary he made about soldiers returning to the U.S. after Iraq and Afghanistan, called “Coming Back” It’s a three part mini-series Tuesday Nights at 8 PM on PBS.
THIS MAN’S RESUME WOULD COVER ABOUT 5 LIFETIMES.
8:50:14 a.m. – “That’s one of the most impressive guests we’ve ever had.” Dagen sees Presidential potential. “He really must make Rob and Tony feel inferior.” Yeah. We needed him to make us feel that way. It’s not like we are made to feel that way EVERY F&*^ING day.
9:06:14 a.m. – The I-Man asks Lou if he’s found the Eminem track yet. Lou informs him that he’s always had it, but in its current form, it’s unplayable. Apparently, it has a lot of naughty words in it. It would require a number of beeps. The Boss thinks about playing it anyway, “What could happen?” Oh…probably nothing. We’re sure The FCC isn’t listening. And according to the I-Man this morning, during his rant about the Fox Business Audience, there’s nobody watching either.
THE YOUNG EMINEM AND HIS MOMS. WE HAVE TO SAY, IF OUR MOTHER CUT OUR HAIR LIKE THAT, WE’D STOP SPEAKING TO HER TOO
NOW WE KNOW WHY HE WEARS THE HAT…ALTHOUGH, IF HIS MOM REALLY LOOKED LIKE KIM BASINGER, HE MIGHT HAVE MADE UP WITH HER SOONER
VIDEO OF THE DAY :
AN AMAZING CLIP FROM ‘COMING BACK WITH WES MOORE’
FEATURING VETERAN BRAD FARNSLEY’S STORY