6:05:10 a.m. – The Imus In The Morning Show is not at full strength. Rob, Bigfoot, and Warner are all out today. Rob is recovering from an All You Can Eat Buffet. Poor fella thought the restaurant was trying to punk him. The restaurant was forced to remove that sign after Rob left. Warner is back in rehab. There’s nothing sadder than watching a sports broadcasting legend licking the cardboard insides of an empty box of wine. Bigfoot was captured by some Spike TV rednecks trying to get that ten million dollar reward. Foot tried to explain that he wasn’t an actual Sasquatch, and that the term ‘Bigfoot’ is merely a term of endearment. Sadly Bowman’s eloquence only led these rednecks to comment that Bigfoot “sure had a purty mouth”. We hope he’s okay
Hey Just Call Fox Business. They’ll Vouch For Me. I’m The Producer Of Imus In The Morning! What? Oh,.. You Are A Stern Fan. Ummm…..Bababooey
6:13:14 a.m. – Lori Rothman, our Fox Business News Update reporter, is caught on the monitor primping her hair. She says that the producers at Fox feel that her hair needs more loft. Naturally the I-Man can’t ignore someone’s hair. Jesus Gramps! What’s your deal with hair? The I-Man offers Lori some hair tips, which she seems okay with. Really? What’s next Lori? Cooking tips from Jeffrey Dahmer? Looks like primpin ain’t easy.
It’s Hard Out Here For a Primp. I’m Ready For My Close Up Bitches
6:40:46 a.m. – I-Fave Darrell Waltrip is the guest. He’s on to discuss this weekend’s Daytona 500. It’s the biggest event in the NASCAR season. He is the premier NASCAR broadcaster, and he’s on to give us some race insights. So naturally we talk about bird poop. Wyatt has made the observation that it’s white even though they don’t eat anything white. We learn that bird dookey is white because they don’t urinate, and therefore excrete nitrogenous, uric acid, and solid waste through their little birdy poopers. Waltrip is somewhat confused by this line of questioning, however he now understands why The I-Man sleeps on rubber sheets.
Sorry Kid. Note To Self. No More Tacos And Beer For Breakfast
7:13:35 a.m. – Gunz, filling in for Warner this morning, reports that the unranked UNC Tarheels beat their hated rivals The Duke Blue Devils. The I-Man asks the cub reporter if he can spell the legendary Duke coach, Mike Krzyzewski’s, last name. Since Gunz won’t see this blog until later the answer is no. Seriously Gunz can’t even spell his own last name. You can’t leave this moron alone unsupervised around a jar of paste.
They Thought It Would Be A Passing Phase
7:23:15 a.m. – A doctor called Deirdre for advice on how to treat his prostate cancer. It’s a testimony to the D-Woman’s vast research, and knowledge of best practices for treatment of prostate cancer. This doctor may have trouble following Deirdre’s advice as it will require marrying a much younger, hotter woman, who just happens to be a vegetarian prostate cancer savant, who is easily tempted by old cowboys with candy in the back seat of a limo.
Fortunately For The I-Man His Cowboy Candy Was Organic
7:38:37 a.m. – The first of two Vinnie From Queens segments begins. We learn from Connell that Mets superfan Nat Candido is “that guy”. By “that guy” he means the guy in your section of your favorite sports team’s stadium/ field / arena that screams “Loser” at the other team’s players. Naturally the irony that a Mets fan is yelling “loser” at the players on the team kicking his team’s a** is lost on Mr. Candido.
Nat’s Fellow Mets Fans Are Somewhat Uncomfortable With Mr. Candido’s Ball Park Behavior
8:07:26 a.m. – The I-Man wants to know if there is a smaller cup of coffee available at Starbucks than the one he’s been buying. As he only takes three or four sips from each four dollar cup, there might be a more efficient use of the I-Mans’ sheckles. Carley had been purchasing Imus’ morning joe in ‘Tall’ cups. This morning she learned that Starbucks has a ‘short’. Sadly it’s also something Mrs. Imus discovered on her wedding night.
The I-Man’s New Um.. Coffee Maker
8:16:14 a.m. – Connell reports a story about a pervy University of Florida professor that was arrested for surreptitiously taking up skirt pictures of his co-ed students. The I-Man seems confused as to why a man would secretly film up a woman’s skirt. Well Boss we suppose it’s because they probably wouldn’t stop and pose for the photos if you asked them to.
So You Say You’ve Never Been To College? The Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste
8:39:24 a.m. – For today’s bonus edition of Vinnie From Queens we have a surprise guest. Wait for it. It’s none other than our favorite meteorrrrahlogiss Dr. Bill Evans. We can’t see Dr. Bill as he’s on the phone calling in. It’s just as well. Seeing the wacky weatherman wearing his sports gear for the segment might be a little disturbing. Especially when you realize that Evans doesn’t know that you’re supposed to put the cup on the inside. By the way his cup is also a short.
Dr. Bill In His “Beach Volley Ball Gear”
9:06:11 A.M. – The I-Man reveals that he’s slowing coming around on Conan O’Brien, and is about ready to jump on the Team CoCo bandwagon. After hating on the “Herbie The Dentist” lookalike for years Imus is beginning to realize that he may indeed be funnier than Jimmy Fallon. Jesus, a puppy funeral is funnier than Jimmy Fallon. We recognize that it sometimes takes the I-Man a while to discover “new” things like the magic of I-Hop pancakes, and the fact that some people use Viagra for more than just breathing.
So Andy The I-Man Is Ready To Get On Board. True Story Yea. Yea.
VIDEO OF THE DAY
In Honor Of The Vinnie Double We Decided To Give You Another Pick-Em Video Choice. A Little Something From The House Of CoCo And A Little Something For You Up Skirt Fans