6:05:00 a.m. – The I-Man has just joined the legions of ‘Breaking Bad’ fans, and has watched 5 episodes so far, but can’t devote any more time to viewing any more of them, and so the staff attempts to ‘Bring Him Up To Speed’ on the 5 Seasons. It’s like trying to explain an iPad to an Amish Farmer.
THERE’S A WHOLE LOT TO EXPLAIN…WE HAVEN’T EVEN GOTTEN UP TO THE PINK TEDDY BEAR
6:17:56 a.m. – We realize, after 12 minutes of discussion of ‘Breaking Bad’, that we’ve essentially ‘spoiled’ the show for those newbies who are currently watching the marathon on AMC in an attempt to be caught up for Sunday’s finale. When we bring this information to the I-Man’s attention, he is sympathetic. “F#&% ‘em.”
COMING SOON: A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE KIDS
6:25:34 a.m. – The I-Man notes that the Starbucks that he and Brant go to each morning is supposed to open at 5 A.M. They’ve decided to wait until 5:30 A.M. for some reason…but as soon as they see Brant, they immediately begin preparing the I-Man’s beverage, a ‘Black Eye’…black coffee with two shots of espresso . Starting Monday, he is instructing Brant to ask for something different. Just to make them pay for making him wait a half hour all this time. Don’t mess with the I-Man. Especially before he’s had his coffee.
“THE ONE ON THE LEFT HAS THE PEE IN IT”
6:40:28 a.m. – Bret Baier is on and shares a simultaneously heartbreaking/heart-warming story about his son, who has had 3 open heart surgeries, the first at 10 days old, the second at 10 months and just recently, at 5 years old. Bret shares the good news that ‘You’d never know to look at him’, that he was born with so many defects. Every once in awhile, SOMEBODY gets a break. Bret, obviously had to pay for his blessing by enduring an interview with the I-Man.
BRET AND HIS SON…WHO LOOKS LIKE HE COULD BE A FIGHTER
7:05:45 a.m. – Carley tries to tell the I-Man that there are two spots for him to record this morning. He informs her that he can’t hear her, and so she speaks louder. This irritates the Boss, who begins ranting ‘Stop talking!’ A discussion on the air reveals that Imus realizes that he may have hurt Carley’s feelings. She assures him he has not. She just wants him to ‘Stop Breathing!’
AS BILL ENGVALL WOULD SAY: ‘HERE’S YOUR SIGN’
7:09:22 a.m. – I-Man begins to plug Bernie’s appearance on ‘Red Eye’ ‘Tonight at 3 A.M.’ and Bernard informs him that this is incorrect, he’s actually appearing on Bill O’Reilly’s program. Meghan has not only mixed up his appearances, but she’s also made a ‘Time Faux Pas’. 3 A.M. is not tonight, it’s tomorrow morning. We wouldn’t know…it’s way past our bedtimes.
THE MOST ACCURATE CLOCK WE KNOW…IT JUST DOESN’T WORK AT NIGHT
7:15:57 a.m. – Imus questions Connell’s use of the phrase ‘Breaking News’. The story is about a vote in the U.N…which, in the I-Man’s estimation, is not weighty enough to be considered ‘Breaking’. Okay. How’s ‘Hot Off The Wire’? Or... ‘This Just In’? Here’s what’s NOT breaking news: The I-Man’s a moron.
“ROB IS FAT.” OOPS, THAT’S NOT BREAKING NEWS EITHER.
7:40:19 a.m. – Peter King is the guest. Of all the Kings we could’ve had, we get stuck with this one. A congressman. Who, Imus maintains is one of his favorite guests, so when Congressman King complains that he hasn’t been on the program in 7 months, that status rapidly changes. “You’re an o.k. guest. You’re no Neil Cavuto….or Deirdre Imus.” He’s not B.B. King either. Or Burger King for that matter.
8:05:33 a.m. – There is a story about Newark Mayor Corey Booker’s ‘Twitter Pal’. Apparently, she’s a ‘Vegan Stripper’. We don’t know if she’s an Organic Vegan Stripper, but the I-Man wants to know if “…She will eat ANY meat?”
NOW THAT’S WHAT WE CALL A ‘VEGAN STRIPPER
8:21:12 a.m. – Bigfoot runs a clip of a ‘Roided Up’ I-Man, back when his doctor had him on prednisone for his breathing problems. He’s got such a bloated face, he looks like Mason Reese.
THE I-MAN ON STEROIDS
8:40:56 a.m. – Kevin emails the I-Man about his hat. Wait a minute, Kev, you want to SEE his face? You realize we ARE on TV don’t you? Think about the viewers!
WE’RE GLAD YOU STOPPED TAKING THE STEROIDS, I-MAN
8:50:17 a.m. – A guy dressed like Captain America appears outside of our 6th Avenue window. The I-Man is late to the viewing party, and misses him. “Where is he?” We inform him that ol’ Cap has headed down the street… “Was it some guy DRESSED UP like Captain America?” Um…no, Imus. It was the real superhero. Oh look! Santa Claus!
CAP, HAWKEYE AND BLACK WIDOW…HEADING FOR THE N TRAIN
8:55:19a.m. – Connell has been playing a clip from the courageous tourist who got hit by the taxi in midtown last month. She lost a leg in the accident, and has finally been released from the hospital and says she’s looking forward to going back home to England to continue working on her new Fashion Line. We assume she’s going to adjust the design to accommodate some One-Legged Pantsuits.
FROM THE ‘HEATHER MCCARTNEY COLLECTION’
WE KNOW. WE’RE GOING TO HELL.
9:05:37 a.m. – Warner suggests that if the I-Man were to watch just one scene of ‘Homeland’, he’d never watch another episode of ‘Breaking Bad’ again. Warner says it’s about ‘What’s going on now.’ Yeah, because nobody’s cooking Meth in Albuquerque these days.
WARNER…EVEN THEY ARE GOING TO BE WATCHING BREAKING BAD ON SUNDAY!
VIDEO OF THE DAY
SO YOU CAN GET CAUGHT UP IN 9 MINUTES TO GET READY FOR THE FINAL EPISODE: