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 Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Congress Must Make Chemical Safety Act Live Up To Its Name

by Deirdre Imus - The latest version of the Frank R. Lautenberg Chemical Safety Act, endorsed last week by a Senate committee, is nothing short of an irresponsible prescription for disaster. This bill, introduced by Senators Tom Udall and David Vitter, does not come close to fixing anything – except maybe the bank accounts of chemical company executives. The bill pretty much absolves the chemical industry of responsibly for the long-term environmental health effects of its own products and fails to provide an avenue to determine this type of safety for the thousands of chemicals they are producing.  Read more...

Deirdre Imus on Your World with Neil Cavuto - Little Caesars now selling pizza with bacon-wrapped crust

 

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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    Thursday
    Dec042014

    The NFR, the Superbowl of Rodeo, Starts Tonight!

    6:05:10 a.m. –    The Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association’s National Finals Rodeo begins tonight.   That’s America, according to the I-Man, who laments that the organization is run by a ‘Bunch of Old Fools’.   Who, apparently, are the ones watching it as well.

    WE HOPE HE’S STILL ALIVE FOR THE SEMI-FINALS

    6:07:14 a.m. – The Boss says that Matt Lauer in Skinny Jeans is the most repulsive, repugnant, physically unattractive person on the planet…  and…Al Roker is just as revolting.   Well, what can you say?  When the I-Man is right, he’s right.  The two Elephant Man Esque figures held court last night at the Rockefeller Center Tree Lighting.  They do know a thing or two about trees…especially seeing how trolls usually live in them.  They’d do better broadcasting from a bridge opening.

    GRAB THE HAIR AND MAKE A WISH.  UNFORTUNATELY, YOU CAN’T WISH FOR THEM TO GO AWAY

    6:08:16 a.m. –  The I-Man is not happy with his hair today, which is a change from every other day when everybody ELSE isn’t happy with his hair.  He whines about it incessantly throughout the morning.  So put your stupid cowboy hat on, that’s what it’s for. 

      A COWBOY HAT CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH.  AS EVIDENCED HERE BY THIS PHOTO.  BUT, HEY, AT LEAST HIS HAIR LOOKS OKAY.

    6:38:08 a.m. –  Bret Baier is asked what he will be watching this evening:  Football?  Or Peter Pan?  Despite what you might assume, he says ‘Football.’  But we know the real story.

    “I’LL NEVER GROW UP, NEVER GROW UP, NEVER GROW UH-UP!  NOT ME!”

    7:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man mentions that Deirdre is a huge fan of the artist Damien Hirst, and so he went to the Museum of Modern Art’s online shop and purchased a clock based on a Hirst print.  For 500 dollars.  He then had to suffer the taunting of both Mrs. Imus and the young Wy-Man, who forbade him from hanging it on the wall.  Hirst is most famous for his ‘Shark in Formaldehyde’.  No wonder Deirdre is such a huge fan.  That’s her pet name for her husband.

    WE DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ART, BUT WE DO KNOW WHAT WE LIKE…IMUS COULD HAVE STUCK A PAIR OF HANDS ON A ‘TWISTER’ MAT AND SAVED 499 BUCKS

    THE ARTIST, DAMIEN HIRST, POSING HERE  WITH HIS 1991 PIECE, “THE PHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITY OF DEATH IN THE MIND OF SOMEONE LIVING.” SOLD TO CONNECTICUT HEDGE FUND MANAGER STEVEN A. COHEN,  FOR EIGHT MA MA MILLION DOLLARS.  CONVERSELY, HIS  “MOUSE IN A BOWL OF JELLO” ONLY WENT FOR 35 BUCKS

    7:13:26 a.m. –  Promoting the National Finals rodeo yet again, the I-Man says that “Cowboys built this country…and EVERYBODY wants to be a cowboy.”   Especially down in the West Village.

    “SAVE A HORSSSSE!  RIDE USSSSSSSSS!”

    7:18:36 a.m. – Imus gets a disturbing email from Michael Lynne, the Entertainment Lawyer, Motion Picture Mogul and Vintner.  Mr. Lynne presents the I-Man with a bit of perspective.  He says that the country is on the precipice of unprecedented racial divide, tens of thousands are dying of Ebola in Africa, The Middle East is on the verge of blowing up, and the Russians are flexing their nuclear muscles…while THE BOSS is worried about his hair.  He wishes ill will on the sweet Mr. M.L.    “I hope that the grapes at your winery turn into raisins and that half your art collection turns out to be forgeries” he snarls.   We don’t have the heart to tell him that raisins make some of the finest Amarone in the world, and that ‘Hirst Clock’ he bought was finger-painted by a pre-school student.

    WE WOULD WEAR A HAT TOO.

    7:32:10 a.m. –  THE MENSA MEETING  takes on the very challenging, controversial topic, “Should Mayor DeBlasio Ban Horse-Drawn Carriages?”   We’re not sure, let’s go to a press conference currently being held at the Plaza Hotel opposite Central Park.

    “WHAT DO WE WANT?  HAY!  WHEN DO WE WANT IT?  Now!  I MEAN, YOU try pulling A WHOLE FAMILY of fat tourists around the park for an ENTIRE hour!” 

    8:07:14 a.m. –  Arthur Aidala, having phoned in earlier, is now IN the studio.  Nice.  As he sits and pontificates, he’s got a client on Death Row waiting a call from the Governor, who flinches everytime the lights flicker.  We discover that while Joe Tacopina is over in Europe, (He, along with a bunch of investors, have purchased a Soccer Team.) he is getting all of Tacopina’s clients.  How unlike a lawyer to infringe upon a colleague’s livelihood.  To be fair, Aidala is attempting to be as much like Tacopina as possible.  So he’s purchased a Nets Jersey with Tacopina’s name on it, and is sporting a cheesy toupee.  

    ARTHUR TACOPINA…FOR THE DEFENSE

    8:38:14 a.m. –  Rodeo Legend, 8 time world champion, and I-Man Fave, Joe Beaver calls in to hype the National Finals Rodeo beginning tonight in Vegas.  The I-Man tells everyone all the ways you may be able to watch it…including Dish Network, which, might not show it as there is some kind of dispute that has the Network threatening to pull it from their airwaves.   The Dish Network.  An entity that has around 8 subscribers.  And even THEY don’t want to broadcast this thing.  Joe then begins to tell us the name of EVERY SINGLE PARTICIPANT COMPETING OVER THE NEXT 10 DAYS…including, ‘Buckaroo’  the guy in the big pants and funny hat, and recent parolee, who will be hiding in the barrels trying to keep the bulls away from the cowboys. Which, provided he stays away from the kids, will, hopefully, be his steady gig for awhile.  

    “HELL, THEY WON’T EVEN LET ME BUY CANDY”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A LITTLE TASTE OF WHY RODEO IS SO POPULAR

    (AND WHY YOU HAVE NO REASON TO COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR  JOB)

    EIGHT SECONDS FEELS LIKE AN ETERNITY…

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jaF_Jvcdxgg

     

    Wednesday
    Dec032014

    High Three

    6:05:10 a.m. –  Imus is excited that the Great Billy Joe Shaver is going to appear on the program.  We are so happy at the prospect of seeing the lovable cowboy, that Tony suggests, in celebration, we give each other a ‘High Three’.  Rob says nothing.  He does not wish to have Mr. Shaver shoot him in the face.

    WE NEVER KNEW THAT THE INSPIRATION FOR THE CLASSIC PAINTING, MICHELANGELO’S ‘CREATION OF ADAM’, WAS, IN FACT, BILLY JOE SHAVER, WHO, RIGHT AFTER THIS WAS PAINTED, SHOT ADAM IN THE FACE

    6:38:08 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on to discuss Ferguson with the I-Man.  We trust that they will engage in a quiet, respectful, intelligent dialogue about the facts, and Bo won’t go into one of his famous red-faced, vein popping diatribe-a-tizations.  He almost gets through the entire segment without losing it.  Almost.  He doesn’t let the I-Man speak, which hurts the Boss’ feelings.  He also calls Imus a ‘Liberal’.  The microphone is then shut off…unfortunately, about 15 minutes too late.

    BO & HIS SPIRITUAL MENTOR, MOHANDAS ‘JOHNNY LOINCLOTH’ K. GANDHI  WHO KNEW THE MAHATMA WAS SO TALL?

    7:05:10 a.m. –  I-Man reports that they are Lighting the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, which put him in the holiday spirit.  “Here’s what we hope happens: The Tree bursts into flames, the fire shoots 700 feet into the air, tips over into the Skating Rink, melts the ice, and you have to throw life preservers to the skating tourists.”  At least he didn’t wish that Al Roker would get his hat burnt off.  We, however, would like to see Mr. Roker so terrified that he, once again, ‘Tugs a Nugget’ as he did at the White House.

    “WELL, AT LEAST IT’S WARM…”

    “UM…YEAH, I POOPED MY PANTS AGAIN…”

     7:13:26 a.m. –  Imus promotes ‘Blonde on Blonde’, featuring “Deirdre Imus…and the Muppet.”   Muppet?  Why?  Because she always has somebody’s hand up her dress?

    ‘MISS WIEHLY’ AND HER BOYFRIEND, ‘KERMIE’

    7:18:36 a.m. –  The Boss is upset that Florida State is being penalized by the College Sports Playoff Selection Committee for winning close games instead of blowing teams out.  But he explains that he isn’t surprised, as the Committee is made up of ‘War Profiteers’.  Which is a helluva leap, to go from being part of the administration that sent troops to Iraq, to deciding if Ohio State or TCU should make the Final Four.

    WE REALIZE THAT ARCHIE MANNING HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MISINFORMATION ABOUT THE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, BUT HE IS CERTAINLY RESPONSIBLE FOR DESTROYING THE GIANTS’ SEASON THIS YEAR

    7:22:44 a.m. –  “You have to really want to see the National Finals Rodeo on Time Warner Cable…”  The I-Man is referring to the CBS Sports Channel being lost amid all the other channels on the Cable System.  Of course, we would say  that sentence as  “You have to really want to see the National Finals Rodeo…to want to see the National Finals Rodeo.” 

    THIS GUY WAITED ONLINE FOR THREE HOURS TO GET TICKETS, AND, OBVIOUSLY, IS OVERWHELMED BY ALL THE EXCITING ACTION

    7:36:08 a.m. –  BLONDE ON BLONDE.  Or, as we like to call it, ‘A Coupla White Chicks Sittin’ Around Screaming Over Each Other So You Can’t Understand What They’re Saying.’   The subjects are myriad:  The airing of “Peter Pan Live”, Dogs who understand human language, Re-Gifting, and McDonald’s in Churches.

    ANOTHER PAN WITHOUT A PETER.  EVEN THOUGH THIS ONE IS A GUY

    THEY CAN ALSO READ…AS PROVEN BY ‘KING’ HERE, WHO IS IN THE MIDDLE OF JACK LONDON’S  ‘THE CALL OF THE WILD’

    FRUITCAKE.  THE MOST REGIFTED ITEM OF ALL TIME.  IN FACT, THERE IS ONLY ONE OF THEM IN EXISTENCE… THIS ONE

    ST. MICKEY D’S : OVER 2 BILLION SAVED

     “YOUR PENANCE IS…FIVE ‘HAIL MARYS’, ‘TEN OUR FATHERS’, A LARGE FRIES AND A CHOCOLATE SHAKE.”

    8:03:06 a.m. –  The I-Man has a new policy concerning doctors.  “If you have killed somebody, you will NOT treat me.”  Seems fair.  Especially because, with a patient like Imus, it is a tempting concept.

    UNFORTUNATELY, DR. KEVORKIAN TREATED THE WRONG FEMALE COMEDIAN

    8:05:18 a.m. –  Imus says that he learned something from listening to Lyle Lovett’s ‘Road to Ensenada’:  Pretty Woman Julia Roberts, (The former Mrs. Lovett) is from Georgia.  “Smyrna” says Dagen, in an attempt to clarify from where in Georgia Ms. Roberts hails.   Thanks for clearing that up, Dagen.  We thought ‘Smyrna’ was either the brand of Vodka the I-Man drank in the 80’s…or the that cheesy stuff that you find under your…um…never mind.

    THE OFFICIAL VODKA OF THE IMUS IN THE MORNING PROGRAM 28 YEARS AGO. NOW, THE OFFICIAL DRINK IS THE STARBUCKS’ ‘BLACK EYE’

    8:38:14 a.m. –  The Great Reverend Jonathan Mason is on to discuss the Ferguson Incident and takes the Counterpoint to Bo Dietl’s situation.  The only thing missing is the Reverend saying, “Bo…you ignorant slut!”  

    BO AND THE REV AGREE TO DISAGREE

    9:05:17 a.m. -  The I-Man is still exorcised about the College Football Playoff rankings…he is REALLY upset by the fact that TCU is in the top four, as the only team they beat was Texas.  “WE could beat Texas.” He maintains.   We’re not so sure about that, I-Man.  There would be a considerable amount of running.  And the Boss can’t even scratch his head without running out of breath.

    “DAMMIT, CONNELL, WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?   JESUS, CAN’T ANY OF YOU FAT BASTARDS…BLOCK?”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    THE BIGGEST EVENT OF THE 2014 TELEVISION SEASON  (FORGET THE LAST EPISODE OF ‘BREAKING BAD) 

    THE NBC PRODUCTION OF ‘PETER PAN LIVE!’

    (WE WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR DEIRDRE AND DAGEN’S ASSESSMENT OF ALLISON WILLIAMS’ TOUR DE FORCE PERFORMANCE)

    WE WILL BE WATCHING, EVEN IF IT’S ONLY TO HEAR CHRISTOPHER WALKEN, AS CAPTAIN HOOK, EXCLAIM

    “HEY…PAN…Y’KNOW…KIDDO…I GOT A FEVER!  AND THE ONLY CURE…IS MORE TINKERBELL!”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0A98CFtHeY

    Tuesday
    Dec022014

    SPECIAL 43RD ANNIVERSARY IN NEW YORK EDITION

    6:05:10 a.m. –    December 2nd, 1971.  A date that will live…in infamy.  The morning that the man who invented ‘In The Morning’ first turned his microphone on in New York.  And the rest, as they say, is history…even though after bouts of addiction, being bucked off horses, and a lung capacity smaller than that of a fruit fly, he almost WAS history.  Godspeed, I-Man!  Here’s to another 43 years, which would make you…around 129.

    THE REVEREND BILLY SOL HARGUS, 43 YEARS AGO...PRAISING GOD…FOR THE GIFT OF WOLFMAN JACK

    6:07:14 a.m. –   We are chastised for our inability to get our facts straight…most recently in yesterday’s blog, in which we misrepresented the I-Man’s new NFL rule, and incorrectly identified Juan Williams’ older brother being 11 years the senior to Juan…when, in fact, he was only born 8 years ahead of him.  What Imus doesn’t realize is that Juan and his family were born in Panama, which is in a different time zone, causing the 3 year difference.

    COLON, PANAMA, WHICH IS IN ANOTHER TI…UM…OKAY, IT’S ACTUALLY THE SAME TIME ZONE AS US.  NEVER MIND.

    6:14:36 a.m. – Dagen mentions the low Gas Prices…which leads the Boss to tell a story about driving with Deirdre and Wyatt, where he remarked how the price of fuel was much cheaper these days…which inspired Wyatt to say “That’s an old people’s comment”.  Um…Wyatt?  Hellooooo.  News Flash: EVERYTHING he says is an ‘Old People’s Comment’.  Because…well, you do the math.

    BACK WHEN THE I-MAN FIRST STARTED DRIVING…THE CARS RAN ON…HAY.  GAS WAS 20 CENTS A GALLON…MILK WAS A NICKEL…AND YOU COULD GO TO EUROPE FOR A BUCK AND A HALF

    6:28:16 a.m. – The GREAT BLIND BOYS OF ALABAMA are here!  And they do a KICKASS Version of ‘People Get Ready’.  They are the LUCKIEST people in the studio, in that, they can’t see how the I-Man’s hair looks.  Which, today, oddly calls to mind a much older Paula Deen.

    STYLIN’.

    6:38:08 a.m. – Paul Begala is on and gets into a discussion with The Boss about Wyatt’s College prospects, University of Texas, and Rice University, considered by many to be “Southern Ivy League”.  Which, as Imus mentions, means they have a library with actual books in it.  Begala, (Or as we affectionately refer to him, ‘Lightbulb Head’…because he’s a…um…man of ideas…that’s it, a ‘Man of Ideas’.) is a UT Alum, and says that while it’s true Rice is a fine school, Wyatt would be a prime candidate for UT’s ‘Plan 2’, their very selective academic program, for which, only the best of the best qualify for admission.  That’s good to know.  Because, at the moment, Wyatt’s Plan 2 is…Yale.  Which seems unusual, because we never knew Wyatt even LIKED locks.

    INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, THIS IS HARDER TO GET INTO THAN THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS

    7:03:26 a.m. –  Imus reminisces about his first day on the air in New York, and remembers that he was doing Billy Sol Hargus screaming about Jesus, right out of the box…and then, missed the very next day.  He was staying at the Gramercy Hotel on Madison Avenue, and…overslept.  We guess he didn’t realize that in the big city…you could get a ‘Wake Up Call’ in a hotel…and not depend on the night manager to bang on the door like they did in the Motels back in Cleveland.  Of course, everyone assumed he had been fired for being profane and blasphemous…when he was really just setting the stage for the next two decades of his career.  Even then, a relative unknown, coming out of obscurity to lay claim to one of the most major of major markets…he was disdainful enough to sleep through his second show.  Setting the stage for his listening audience for the next two decades…

    EDITOR’S NOTE:  THE GRAMERCY HOTEL IS ACTUALLY ON LEXINGTON AVENUE.  JESUS, CAN’T HE GET ANYTHING RIGHT?  IT’S YOUR OWN LIFE!

    “HEY!  COWBOY!  WAKE UP!  SHOULDN’T YOU BE AT WORK RIGHT NOW?  WAKE UP YOU MORON!  HEY!  ARE YOU EVEN IN THERE?”

    7:21:10 a.m. –  Imus complains to Nat that he’s ‘Cold’, even though the temperature in the studio is such that an Iguana  would die of heat exhaustion if left out for ten minutes.  He instructs Stage Manager Candido to put the heater a little closer to him…not all that great an idea, seeing as how the heater is an electrical appliance and the reason he’s cold in the first place is because he’s wet his pants again.  Don’t they make Huggies in an Adult Medium?

    THAT HEATER WAS JUST A TAD TOO CLOSE, NAT…

    7:32:10 a.m. –  HOLLYWOOD & VINE begins with a contentious debate about Brian Williams daughter, Allison, starring in the title role of NBC’s Live Broadcast of ‘Peter Pan’.  Reidel is especially brutal about her performance, which, in true Reidel style, is criticism he offers, not having even seen it.  We suppose he is jealous…as HE believes HE should perform the title role…even though he’s really typecast for Tinkerbell. 

    LOADED WITH FAIRY DUST AND WAITING TO GO!

    8:03:06 a.m . -   Dr. Bill Evans asks, “What do you get a guy who has been on the air in New York for 43 years?  Chloroform?”  Imus responds… “You mean like the kind you take on your dates, Bill?”   Hey, if it’s good enough for Cosby…

     

    CHCI 2  :  THE TRICHLOROMETHANE THAT’S NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE

    8:06:32 a.m. –  Imus  relates that his first day on the air, he vowed to run the Gamblings out of town.  The Gambling family was the Radio Dynasty that ‘Rambled’ on the airwaves since Marconi first plugged it in.  It may have taken him 42 years, but the I-Man eventually DID run them out of town…albeit in a hearse.  Outliving the competition is always the best strategy for career success.   While there were many Gamblings, The Boss says that, over the years, there were also many Imus’: ‘The Profane’, ‘The Coked Up’, ‘The Drunk’, and the current one you see and hear today…’The A@%hole.’

    THE FOUR I-MEN OF THE APOCALYPSE

    8:21:16 a.m. –  Imus continues to defend the National Finals Rodeo, and orders Warner to cover all the results of the various competitions.  “You know, the NFR used to be on ESPN…I don’t know what happened…”   Well…obviously, they got real programming.

    THE NFR: IT’LL SWEEP YOU OFF YOUR FEET

    8:38:14 a.m. –  The Blind Boys are back, to sing ‘Merry Christmas To You’, and the sentiment is infectious.  We are all in the Holiday Spirit.  Then they sing a bluesy rendition of ‘Do You Hear What I Hear?’   Well…we sure don’t SEE what you see.  So we probably don’t hear as well as you do either, as your ears are much more sensitive to make up for the lack of eyesight.  You could probably hear a butterfly flapping its wings and a mouse peeing on cotton…in San Diego. 

    GOOD THING THAT CONVERTIBLE HAS A HORN…OTHERWISE, THIS DUDE NEEDS A LONGER CANE

    9:05:09 a.m. –  Mr. Marconi Winner says that it’s time for Don Rickles to move on.  He then tries to deny that he had anything but the utmost love and respect for him, and that he is just as funny today as he ever was.   We love and respect Don Rickles…who is just naturally funny, a talent you don’t lose with age…but we agree, it’s painful when a much older celebrity don’t know when it’s time to take that final bow and get off the f@#king stage already.  Nothing worse than someone who doesn’t know when to exit.

    “HEY DON!  DON?  EVERYBODY IS GONE….THE AUDIENCE LEFT ABOUT 40 MINUTES AGO…THERE’S NO  SECOND SHOW…IT’S TIME TO GO HOME NOW, DON…BE A GOOD BOY AND COME OVER HERE AND GET YOUR TEETH…”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

     

    WE KID BECAUSE WE LOVE…OBVIOUSLY, BY THE WAY WE TREAT  THE I-MAN, IT’S CLEAR THAT WE RESPECT OUR ELDERS.  WHICH IS WHY WE OFFER THIS TRIBUTE TO THE GREAT…BUT NOT QUITE LATE…

    (YET)

    DON RICKLES

     

    ON A ROLL AT THE JERRY LEWIS FRIARS’ CLUB ROAST

      

    F@#CK DICE CLAY…THIS IS ‘THE LEGEND’

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_mO0BXikDs 

     

    Monday
    Dec012014

    It's Christmas Music Time!

    6:05:10 a.m. –    The I-Man begins the program with a new rule for Football:  He thinks that if a Quarterback throws the ball to his player, and the player can’t catch it, causing the other team to intercept, the Quarterback should be credited with ‘Half a Completion’.  That said, we wonder if he thinks that a baseball player should be given credit for half a hit when he gets struck by a pitch, instead of just being awarded first base.  Technically, he did hit the ball…even though the ball did most of the work.

    WHEN A ‘HAIL MARY’ BECOMES AN ‘IMMACULATE INTERCEPTION’

    6:07:14 a.m. – Imus announces that he will only be playing Christmas Songs until Christmas.  Which means we can look forward to Huey Piano Smith and the Clowns’ ‘Silent Night’ so many times we will consider joining the statistics of the much higher suicide rate during the Holidays. 

    “JUMPIN’ J.C. HERE WITH YA ON WGOD,  ‘THE NAZ’, PLAYING ALL MY FAVORITE BIRTHDAY SONGS…THAT WAS DWIGHT YOAKUM ‘SANTA CAN’T STAY’…HERE NOW, LYLE LOVETT TO PUT YOU IN THE SPIRIT…TO LEAVE THAT FAT BEARDED BASTARD SOME ARSENIC COOKIES!”

    6:14:36 a.m. – “Did you use a condom when you ‘Stuffed’ your turkey?” , the 4 time Marconi Award Winner I-Man asks Ashley Webster.  What Imus doesn’t know is that Ashley had the Turkey take a blood test first.  Lest he contract an STD: “Stuffing Transmitted Disease”

    WE CERTAINLY HOPE THAT ASHLEY TOOK OL’ TOM TURKEY TO DINNER FIRST. (MAYBE A BIG, FAT, HAIRY STEAK?)

    6:38:08 a.m. – We learn that Juan Williams doesn’t get along with his brother.   Apparently, Bro is 8 years older than Juan…which means the younger Williams was actually a ‘Mistake’.  Juan was raised here, while the rest of his family emigrated from Panama.  His family speaks Spanish…Juan doesn’t.  No wonder he doesn’t get along with his brother.  He can’t understand a word he says.  We’d get a little frustrated too, if at Thanksgiving somebody said “Por favor, pase el pavo.”  It sounds dirty.  Even though it means “Please pass the turkey.”

    “He dicho dejar de comer todos los ñames, codiciosos maricon!”

    LOOSE TRANSLATION:

     (“I said stop eating all the yams you greedy bastard!”)

    7:09:26 a.m. –  Imus reminds us that the National Finals Rodeo begins this Thursday in Las Vegas.  And some people say there is no God.   Fitting that it’s being held in Vegas, because the smart money is betting on you not being able to stay awake while Warner reports the results for the next ten days.  You’d rather listen to Lyle Lovett’s ‘Christmas Morning’ while playing Russian Roulette.

    HEY, HANG IN THERE, TEX!  THE I-MAN IS ABOUT TO PLAY ANOTHER ‘UPLIFTING’ CHRISTMAS TUNE

    7:41:24 a.m. – An ‘All Xmas Tune’ ‘MIGHT BE ELVIS’  starts off with the aforementioned Lyle Lovett’s ‘Christmas Morning’, which features brilliant lyrics, but isn’t exactly ‘Frosty the Snowman’… It’s about a lonely man whose wife left and so he’s thinking of going to heaven to wish Jesus Happy Birthday in person…by jumping in front of a dump truck.  Merry Christmas, everybody!  Then there’s ‘Run Run Rudolph’ with Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters, Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top, and Lemmy Kilmister of Motorhead, which will make Chuck Berry turn over in his grave.  We know he’s not dead, but this cover will KILL HIM. 

    ONE OF THE ARCHITECTS OF ROCK N’ ROLL SHOWING OFF HIS ‘STRAIGHT EDGE’ SHORTLY AFTER THIS PHOTO WAS TAKEN, CHUCK WROTE HIS NUMBER ONE HIT ‘MY DINGALING’

    8:06:32 a.m. –  The I-Man can’t remember the journalist who wrote the forward to Deirdre’s book, “The Imus Ranch:  Cooking for Kids and Cowboys”, who happens to be David Von Drehle from the Washington Post…not exactly the kind of name you would forget…he’s the guy who wrote the book about the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire of 1911…which you’d think the I-Man would remember, as he was there taking pictures of it with his Kodak Foldable, while smoking a Marlboro…which, he swears, had NOTHING to do with the fire.

    “HEY YOU KIDS!  STOP JUMPING OUT OF THE WINDOWS!  I CAN’T FOCUS!  UM… ANYBODY GOT A LIGHT?”

    8:16:16 a.m. –  Warner reports the result of the Tennessee Titans/Houston Texans game as being a ‘Palindrome Score’… 31-13.  Which Warner reported while listening to ‘ABBA’ in a ‘Racecar’.     

    ‘MA IS A NUN AS I AM’  A PALINDROMATIC SENTENCE, DESPITE THE FACT THAT IF YOUR MOM IS A NUN, SHE KIND OF VIOLATED HER VOW OF CHASTITY

    8:20:14 a.m. –  Lupica emails the I-Man about Florida State, a team from the ACC, being just as good as a school from the SEC, like Auburn.   Hey.  Lupica.  Shouldn’t you be helping Santa get ready for Christmas Eve?  Focus on wrapping those presents , that sleigh is not gonna load itself.

    “WHAT’S THAT, MIKE?  ‘I LOVE IT, LET’S DO IT’?  NOW, SHUT UP, AND GO CLEAN THE REINDEER STALL…RUDOLPH’S GOT THE RUNS”

    8:46:00 a.m. – Charles Gasparino is on, and revisits his feud with Ron Insana.  Doesn’t take long for the I-Man to get Charlie all wound up…resulting in Chuck calling Ronnie a “Fat, disgusting, sycophantic, unctous bald jerk.”  (Not to put too fine a point on it.)    What are you really trying to say, Mr. Gasparino?  Can’t we all get along?  Still, if we were Ron Insana, we’d hire somebody to start our car for us.

    INSANA MAY BE FAT, BUT HE WAS THROWN A TOOD 60-70 FEET

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN CASE YOU WERE ALL FILLED WITH HOLIDAY CHEER

    AND GOOD TIDINGS OF COMFORT AND JOY

    HERE’S A TYPICAL IMUS CHRSITMAS SONG

    “THE CHRISTMAS SHOES”

    THE TOUCHING TALE OF A LITTLE BOY AND HIS MOM CROAKING

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJcPVB-we7g 

     

    PRETTY SOON, HIS MOM IS THE ONE THAT’S GOING TO BE IN A BOX…ALTHOUGH SHE WON’T BE BAREFOOT…BUT SEEING AS HOW THEY’RE NEW, HE CAN TAKE THEM OFF HER BEFORE THEY STICK HER IN THE GROUND SO HE CAN RETURN THEM TO GET HIS MONEY BACK AND BUY SOME WEED

    Friday
    Nov212014

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    6:05:10 a.m. –    Weighing in on Obama’s New Immigration Plan, the I-Man reveals that, ever since he was able to pay people to work for him, he has been asked to pay them off the books.  Something that he has NEVER done.  Except, of course, the Cocaine Dealers.  After that one time when he mistakenly wrote him checks.

     

    6:07:14 a.m. – Happy Birthday to Leslie Slender, our Promotions Director and the Promotions Director for ALL the New York Cumulus Stations, and one of the BEST people we’ve ever worked with.  It don’t hurt that The Girl is also a Snappy Dish.  If that’s what the Late 30’s looks like…sign us up for that!  Um…okay, it might be about 20 years too late for us for that…  

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOVE BUG!  WE GOT YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING…BUT WE DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO WRAP IT.  IT’S THE NEW ‘SEXIEST MAN ALIVE’, CHRIS HEMSWORTH…HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT HIM ‘BRINGING THOR’S HAMMER’ WITH HIM.  WE GUESS THAT’S WHAT THE KIDS ARE CALLING IT THESE DAYS. WHAT HE DOESN’T KNOW, IS THAT HE’S THE ONE WHO’S GETTING THE PRESENT

    6:38:08 a.m. – Anthony Mason, a man who is one of the I-Man’s most favorite people to talk to, brings up Jimmy Page, (Who, we understand, played guitar on the track for the James Bond Theme ‘Goldfinger’)  …a man for whom Dagen is quite fond…and by ‘quite fond’ we mean, she’s perving on the Led Zeppelin Guitarist…she says  “His music could cause her to ‘Make that Noise’.”    Which is a relief, at least it’s his music, and not the way he looks…

     

    JIMMY PAGE:  GOOD THING HE CAN PLAY GUITAR.  IF THIS ANCIENT, DECREPIT, ‘MR. MIYAGI FROM KARATE KID LOOK’ WAS WHAT MADE DAGEN ALL HOT AND BOTHERED…WE’D HAVE TO TAKE HER OUT OF OUR ‘BUBBLE’

    6:42:08 a.m. – Mr. Mason also talks about Glen Campbell, and how most people are unaware that he’s one of the session guys from the group known as ‘The Wrecking Crew’, who played on almost the majority of the hit singles of the 60’s.  Unfortunately now, Glen suffers from Alzheimer’s disease.  Although most people are unaware that he’s one of the session guys from the group known as ‘The Wrecking Crew’, who played on almost the majority of the hit singles of the 60’s. 

     

    GLEN CAMPBELL.  BY THE TIME HE GETS TO PHOENIX…HE’LL BE REALLY LOST

    7:05:26 a.m. –  Ashley Webster is not happy about the President’s Immigration Plan, having been an immigrant himself, and went through all the legal channels to come here to America.  Which…isn’t really all that impressive…it’s not like he could’ve swam across the Atlantic Ocean like it was the Rio Grande.

    ASHLEY SNEAKING INTO THE COUNTRY

    7:12:24 a.m. –  The I-Man comments on how good Bernie looks this morning.  Repeatedly.  Which is not disturbing because it appears that the Boss is feeling ‘The Love That Dare Not Speak His Name’…but that he thinks a chicken-necked, bald headed guy is actually handsome.  He must also love him some Frank Perdue.

     

    FRANK PERDUE…ON THE RIGHT

    7:32:10 a.m. –  VINNIE FROM QUEENS  A discussion of moving in the Citifield Fences in, so the Mets can hit more Home Runs.  It’s not like any other team had a problem hitting home runs with where the fences are now.  Still, we think moving them to behind 2nd Base is a little much, although it would save them a lot of money in payroll, not having to pay outfielders, which, now that we get to thinking about it, would be moot, because it still wouldn’t help Curtis Granderson.  He’d still go 0 for The Month of July.

    IT’S GETTING BETTER, CURTIS…THAT ONE ALMOST ROLLED OUT OF THE INFIELD.  MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST THROW  IT INSTEAD OF TRYING TO HIT IT.”

    8:03:06 a.m. –  There’s nothing better than watching the I-Man eat oatmeal.  Except watching Mama June eat Macaroni Salad.

    HOPEFULLY, YOU’RE NOT EATING WHILE YOU’RE READING THIS

    8:16:16 a.m. –  Ashley Webster has become a Comedy Critic, saying that although he thinks the Larry Flynt character Rob does is funny, he, as is Warner,  not a fan of the ‘Elephant Man.’  Ashley goes so far as to say, “It’s a one joke premise”.    Hey, Ringo…you’ve been with the program 20 minutes, and already you’re critiquing what we do?  Worry about what the market does before you weigh in on Comedy Material.  We don’t come upstairs and slap the Wall Street Journal out of your hands, do we?   Stick to Business and stay out of Show Business, okay, Crumpet Face?  Oh, and while we’re at it, we want to wish you a Happy Fourth of July a little early this year.   Light a Roman Candle for us, you Limey Loser. 

     

    WE LOVE ASHLEY WEBSTER.  ALTHOUGH WE FIND HIS JOBS REPORTS  A LITTLE ‘ONE NOTE’.

    8:36:32 a.m. –  Arthur Aidala opens his guest appearance on the program, by saying he’s happy that P.C. Richards is going to remain closed on Thanksgiving.  He believes that corporate greed is destroying the fabric of American families…especially in Urban Areas.  We expect him to say that…because he’s a defense attorney.  He knows that a group of relatives, tightly seated around a table in a very small room, where copious amounts of alcohol are consumed…is good for business.

    THANKSGIVING DAY.  OTHERWISE KNOWN AS ‘AIDALA’S 401 K’

    8:46:00 a.m. – Arthur also discusses Bill Cosby, and how he would defend him…(Remember, he defended Lawrence Taylor.)  He’d tell Cosby to disappear, and then be the one answering all the questions, taking all the heat.  He’d also sit in with ‘Fat Albert and The Cosby Kids, filling in for Bill on the Trash Can Drums.

    ARTHUR, FAT ALBERT, AND THE COSBY KIDS PLAYING ONE OF THEIR BIG HITS:  “DOES THIS RAG SMELL LIKE CHLOROFORM TO YOU?”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    One of Bill Cosby’s Forays Into The Musical Genre

    From His Album ‘Disco Bill’

     

    The Hit Song:  “Whatchya Think About Lickin’ My Chicken?”

    (If He’d Only Choked It, He Wouldn’t Be In This Mess)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGYeDakoK1Q 

     

    A Photo of Cos’ Taking His Cock Out