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Deirdre's Corner

Don't forget to catch Deirdre's weekly Psychos segments on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7:35am and Blonde on Blonde segment with Lis Wiehl, Wednesdays at 7:35am on Imus in the Morning!

Dangers of Formaldehyde Lurk in Everyday Products

by Deirdre Imus - The chemical and known human carcinogen formaldehyde pops up in many unexpected places, like pressed wood products such as cabinets and flooring, hair straightening or curling treatments, fertilizers, cigarette smoke, and some plastic and paper products. It is also used to kill germs, or as a preservative, which is its main function in the funeral industry. And, it is putting at risk the lives of those who deal with the dead.  Read more...

Playing Offense Against GMO's: Your Right To Know

by Deirdre Imus - Back in April the popular Mexican restaurant chain Chipotle announced it would use only ingredients free of genetically modified organisms, or GMOs.  Last year, Whole Foods Market committed to “full transparency” on products containing GMOs, demanding that by 2018 all products sold in its U.S. and Canadian stores be labeled to indicate if they contain genetically engineered materials. These are noble proclamations with potentially huge implications and should not be taken lightly.  Read more...

An Angry Father's Guide To The Measles Vaccine 

Be informed. Please. I wish I had, 10 years ago, and my life and my family’s life would be much different today. I don’t want you to agree with me, I don’t need you to agree with me, and I don’t need you to change any of your plans, but I hope you’ll listen to what I have to say so you have more information to make the right choice for your son or daughter. Read more...

 

Deirdre's Book Pick Of The Week

 

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing

This #1 New York Times best-selling guide to decluttering your home from Japanese cleaning consultant Marie Kondo takes readers step-by-step through her revolutionary KonMari Method for simplifying, organizing, and storing.  Read more....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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    Wednesday
    Mar182015

    At Least It's Diet Coke!

    6:05:06 a.m. –   The I-Man begins the program with the amazing news that Hampton beat Manhattan in the ‘Play In’ game of the NCAA finals.  Hampton Coach,  Edward Joyner, says that he has Jesus on Speed Dial to ask for help with their next game against number one seed, Kentucky.   What Joyner doesn’t know is that Jesus has Kentucky on his bracket and he’s picked them to go all the way.  So Coach can leave all the voicemails he wants, it ain’t gonna happen.

    “HEY, COACH…LISTEN,DO ME A FAVOR…LOSE THIS NUMBER.”

    6:09:18 a.m. – Dagen reports that the Market was down due to fears that Treasury Secretary, Janet  Yellen, is going to raise interest rates.  The I-Man asks Ashley that he said Yellen would NOT raise interest rates, and Dagen replies “That’s because he pulled that one out of his butt.”   Imus says “We can do without you suggesting what’s coming out of his butt.”   Even though we have it on good authority that it’s a string of beads.

    FINALLY, WE NOW KNOW WHY HE’S GOT THAT GOOFY SMILE ON HIS FACE

    6:12:24 a.m. –  Bernard mentions that he will have info during the briefing about Bruce Jenner’s ‘Reassignment Surgery’…otherwise known as a sex change.  The I-Man wonders if Chas Bono, who is currently in the market for a penis could use Bruce’s for his ‘Addadicktomy’.    Even if he could, would you really want one that’s been inside KRIS Jenner?  That would have to be on the ‘damaged rack’ at the Penis Emporium, ‘Your One Stop Shop Fall All Your Penis Needs.’   Where Chas is currently a ‘member’.   (See what we did there?)  What Imus doesn’t know is that the Male Junk is not removed, rather a VaJayJay is fashioned out of it, it’s fileted, flipped inside out and tucked ‘Inside’.    He’s shocked to know that Bernie, Tony and Dagen are familiar with the concept of the procedure and  Ashley says he thinks Dagen’s only familiar is because she’s “Had the Operation”. 

    ONE OF THESE PEOPLE USED TO HAVE A PENIS

    6:21:42  a.m. –   The I-Man admits, publicly, and on the air, that he has “…the attention span of a hummingbird.”  We’re not so sure it’s even that long.  A hummingbird can stay at a single flower bloom until all the nectar is sucked out of it.   The Boss can’t even finish an entire cup of coffee because he gets distracted by shiny objects and it gets cold.

    THE I-BIRD

    6:40:14 a.m. –  The Snappy and Smart Martha MacCallum is on, talks about sending American Troops in the Middle East to fight ISIS.   She is in support of ‘Boots on the Ground’.  We are in support of her boots on the ground.  Preferably, thigh highs.  And a real short skirt.  Unlike these ISIS animals, THAT’S something worth fighting for.

    MARTHA MACCALLUM: HOT, SMAHT, AND A DEAD SHOT

    7:05:10 a.m. –  Imus reports that his Texas Contractor, Tommy Morrison is going on a hunting trip in Argentina, something he heard Deirdre talking to Tommy on the phone about.  He’s not going for the Big Game, such as the Wild Boar, the Leopard or the Bear.  He’s bringing his elephant gun to bag the Wily and Dangerous…Pigeon.   You don’t think they’re worthy of hunting?  Park your car underneath a flock of them.  Believe us, you’ll want to shoot every last one of those Flying Little F@@@ers.   Not only the pigeon, the I-Man comes to find out, but also one or more of the 12 varieties of PARAKEETS indigenous to the country.  He’s going to fly 5,111 miles to shoot parakeets?   Go to some old lady’s apartment when she’s not looking, and pop one in the middle of it ringing the little bell in its’ cage.  Pigeons?  Why not go on any roof in Brooklyn?   Although it’s not much of a sport, as they’re caged up in coops.  An easy shot.  Unless it happens to be Mike Tyson’s coop.   In which case, there will be a considerable pursuit involved.   As in his chasing you down the street to kick your ass.  THAT’S when a pigeon is dangerous.

    IF YOU’RE GOING FOR PIGEON, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT AMMUNITION.  BECAUSE YOU’LL NEED AT LEAST THREE OF THESE TO PUT DOWN TYSON

    7:16:46 a.m. – Somebody sent an anonymous email to the Secret Service about the two agents who were accused of a ‘Bomb’ incident.   Well, actually ‘Bombed’…hit a barrier in front of the White House because they were s#!t-faced.  In a hearing with the Director of the Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, when asked how it was determined that the two agents were intoxicated, Clancy replied they received an anonymous email from someone a few days after the incident.  ANONYMOUS EMAIL?   You can Anonymously Email the SECRET SERVICE?  We thought that email address of the Secret Service was a SECRET!  Imus is incredulous that the Head of the Secret Service doesn’t know what the hell is going on with his agents.  Which is the same problem every actor who has signed with William Morris complains about.

    DIRECTOR CLANCY…HE KNOWS WHAT’S GOING ON AT ALL TIMES…

    7:19:44 a.m. – During Dagen’s Business hit she reports that Kraft has recalled 6.5 Million boxes of their Macaroni and Cheese as, apparently, there is a possibility that there might be metal fragments inside.   But if you’re willing to actually eat Macaroni and Cheese, metal fragments are probably the only nutritious thing in it.  At least you’ll get your iron.  One of the things Kraft Macaroni and Cheese DOESN’T have any of, however, is….CHEESE.  On the Ingredients List, it says ‘Macaroni, Yellow Powdered Stuff, and…Don’t Worry About It, Just Eat It And Mind Your F@#king Business.

    7:35:18 a.m. – BLONDE ON BLONDE, or, as we like to call it, IF YOU DON’T MAKE IT STOP I WILL JUMP OFF THIS BUILDING.   The ladies discuss Bibi Netanyahu’s re-election Hilary’s Emails, but let’s not dilly dally with these topics…the subject of Coca Cola trying to market itself in a ‘healthy way’, leads to Deirdre calling Lis, “You’re just a whore for the company.”   Um…WHAAAAATTT?   Did she just say what we think she just said? Lis is a Coke Whore? We were under the impression she was Pepsi all the way.  Wow.  You think you know a person…

    AT LEAST IT’S ‘DIET’ COKE

    7:55:11 a.m. – Dr. Bill Evans, Imus in the Morning’s Official Meterloga…Milgeoroge…Medeemoronol…Weather Man, does his James Carville Impression.  It’s actually not bad.  Not Rob or Tony quality, but certainly way better than Jeff McKay, the Traffic Dude’s Paul Begala.  (The ‘McKay Way’ makes Begala too sibilant)  The only problem with Dr. Bill is…once he gets into his Carville…he won’t stop.  Which, as you might imagine, doesn’t sit that well with the Cranky Cowboy.  Perhaps next time Evans should sing a few bars of ‘Into The Mystic’ because he does a killer Van Morrison.  Although, to properly get into character, he has to drink a fifth of Bushmills and kick a group of blind guys down the stairs.

    YOU THINK HIS ‘CARVILLE’ IS GOOD

     AIN’T HALF AS GOOD AS HIS VAN MORISON

    8:05:10 a.m. –  We have finally found a song we hate more than ‘1-877 Kars for Kids’.  It’s the new Texas Tornado’s ‘Sugar Blue’.  The I-Man says he can’t get it out of his head.   The problem is, neither can we.  Although it has replaced Lucinda Williams doing ‘West Memphis’.   

     

    8:35:00 a.m  –  Chris, ‘Mad Dog’ Russo phones in. We guess he’s too lazy to cross the street, as his Sirius XM Mad Dog Radio studio is LITERALLY ACROSS THE STREET.  He doesn’t really talk about the NCAA Tournament, (which we assume is why he’s on) as much as interview the I-Man while the I-Man is trying to interview HIM.  “How you doing Big Guy?  How’s Wyatt?     How’s Charles?.  (We assume he doesn’t listen to the program that much)  Chris also reveals that he just read the Bob Hope Biography by Richard Zoglin.  Which was printed in November of last year.  We suppose Chris is a little behind on his reading, as he just finished “That new author Dick somebody…Dick Charles I think…Dickens Charles that’s it! It’s called A Tale of The Twin Cities.  Which isn’t about Minneapolis/St. Paul, like I thought.”

    “I HATE THE DOG TRACK…SO DEPRESSING, WATCHING THOSE SKINNY LITTLE POOCHES CHASE THAT DUCK AROUND THE TRACK…”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    AN TRIBUTE TO THE NATIONAL BEVERAGE

    A Young Lady shows her appreciation for Coca Cola, while simultaneously displaying how much she loves God.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6my9ZNxUL8 

     

     

     

    In this one, at least the young lad gets his exercise:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9SXrOMxAvQ 

     

     

    And finally, Marilyn Monroe stars in a Coke Commerical that could have very easily also starred JFK

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3t42TG6uKtg 

    Tuesday
    Mar172015

    Happy St. Patrick’s Day

    6:06:06 a.m. –   Happy St. Patrick’s Day!  Your FREE ticket to get S**tfaced on cheap booze.  St. Patrick, (Patron Saint of Liver Disease and the D.T.s) is only one of two Saints to have a big ass Holiday named after him.  St. Valentine, (Patron Saint of Diabetes and Pu**y Whips) has one as well.  One provides a huge bump for Guinness and Bushmills, the other for Hallmark and the Free Clinic.  

    BEWARE OF THOSE YOU KISS BECAUSE THE CLAIM THEY’RE ‘IRISH’, OR YOU MIGHT COME DOWN WITH THE ST PATRICK STD

    6:09:18 a.m. –  We are informed by the I-Man that ISIS now has…a spokesperson!  Abu Muhammad al-Adnani. A nasty little spud. 

    THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF GUY YOU WANT TO LISTEN TO AT A PRESS CONFERENCE

    We’d rather envision the ISIS spokesperson as if he were like The Cocoa Puffs Bird, or the Pillsbury Dough Boy, you know, one of those little cartoon, advertising, brand mascots.   We’d name him ‘Abba Dabba Doo’, (Thanks, Bo) and he warns little Jihadists to beware of the Great Satan, and teaches them how to make Bomb Vests.  

    “HEY KIDS!  LET’S SAY IT TOGETHER!  ‘DEATH TO AMERICA’!”

    6:18: 14 a.m. –  Warner says that the new Baseball Commissioner is open to hearing Pete Rose’s argument regarding his ban from the Hall of Fame.  Imus says he agrees Pete should be up there in Cooperstown…although he is in favor of Rose being banned for dying his hair.  We’re not as opposed to him dying his hair, as we were when he wore it as a cross between Ringo Starr and Shemp from the Three Stooges.

    MOE, LARRY AND ROSIE IN “WHOOPS! I’M A GAMBLER!”

    JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE…AND PETE (ROSE…NOT BEST)

    6:40: 14 a.m. –  K.T.McFarland is on, and The I-Man, ever the gentleman, stands up to greet her but…forgets that he’s wearing ear monitors and the old cowboy nearly became a headless horseman, as he’s almost hanged himself.  We use the correct word, ‘Hanged’, because…well, we know he’s not HUNG.  Sorry, we meant IT’s not Hung.   Not HE’s.   Imus asks K.T.  about the Iranian Nuclear Negotiations,  the Israeli Elections, and during the discussion, we hear the I-Man utter the phrase, “I’m gonna Uptown Funk You Up.”   After giving Bigfoot a heart attack, thinking he said something else, Imus notices the blank stare of Ms. Mcfarland, who has, clearly, thought as Bigfoot had, that The Boss had dropped the ‘F Bomb’.   It’s also clear there is little to no, ‘Bruno Mars/Mark Ronson’ in her, or on her Victrola.   Although she has been known to cut a rug to ‘Blurred Lines’.

    BUT YOU’RE A GOOD GIRL!  I KNOW YOU WANT IT, THE WAY YOU GRAB ME, MUST WANNA GET NASTY

    7:05:10 a.m. –  Connell reads the story about Robert Durst being charged for 3 murders, a story the I-Man is clearly not interested in.  Dagen, who watched the entire documentary series ‘Jinxed’ which was about that very subject, believes Durst should be brought to justice.  Listening to Dagen’s diatribe, the I-man muses that Durst MISSED one.  Implying that there should’ve been four murders. 

    “WHAT WAS THIS CROSS-DRESSING FREAK THINKING…MESSING AROUND WITH…A MAN WHO IS ON TRIAL FOR THE MURDER OF 3 WIVES?”

    7:16:46 a.m. – Ashley reports that, the day after St. Patrick’s day is traditionally the one that has the most number of emergency dental visits.  Suggesting that the Drunks are either falling, or getting into fistfights.  Even Connell is amazed that an Englishman would have the gall to comment on a story about TEETH. 

    “AYE!  BE SURE YOU BE FLOSSIN’, ELSE YE MIGHT END UP LIKE THIS:”

     

    “THEN THE POT O’ GOLD WILL BE IN YER MOUTH!”

    7:38:53 a.m. – PSYCHOS I  Lou Rufino is on the panel, this morning, prompting Deirdre to pronounce “The Leprechaun is in the House!” 

    THE ‘LUPICAHN’ AND THE ‘LOUPRECHAN’

    7:40:08 a.m. – Dagen is upset with guys who stand too close to her at bars, or at the store, (surprise surprise)  Lou is concerned that Penn Station will be a cesspool because of all the Drunken Teens who will come in from Long Island  to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Nat complains about  ‘Door Holding Etiquette’  and freaks out when he does the chivalrous thing and women don’t say ‘Thank You’.   Deirdre is pissed off at people who don’t know what a Vegetarian is.  “So you eat only chicken and fish?”  “NO!”  Fair warning to all of you out there who might be tempted to ask her about Vegetarianism:   Don’t ‘Go There’ with Deirdre without wearing a helmet. 

     BEFORE YOU BRING UP THE SUBJECT WITH MRS. IMUS, BETTER PUT THIS MELON ON YOUR MELON

    7:44:28 a.m. – The I-Man says he hates the people in his building who see him coming and won’t hold the elevator.  We empathize with this.  It takes longer for Imus to walk from the front door to the elevator than it would take for it to go up to the Penthouse, come down, go back up and down again, stopping at EVERY floor, and he would STILL be ten feet away.   Well.  At least he can take the stairs.  If Brant carries him that is.

    “YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO GET ME UPSTAIRS.”

    “10-4”

    “NO, DAMMIT!  I SAID FIVE!!!”

    “YESSIR.  UNDERSTOOD.  NOW, WHICH DIRECTION AM I GOING IN?”

    “UP!”

    8:05:10 a.m. – Imus Sister-In-Law, Barbara Hekeler, sends a text to Him.  Why, you might ask?  She has a joke for the Boss.  Yup.  You heard right.  And he reads it on the air.  “Did you hear about the population in Ireland?  It’s Dublin.”  Hey now!  Boom!  Tip your waitresses, I’m here all week. 

     BARBARA COLEMAN HEKELER.  FIGHTING OFF HEKELERS

    8:16:32 a.m. –  Teresa Birney, the I-Man’s hairstylist, tells him that people around the building ask her all the time if that’s his real hair.   “Who would ever wear a wig like this?”  Imus says incredulously.  We don’t know.  Frank Luntz maybe?   That’s just off the top of our heads.  And his, by the way.

    ACTUALLY, WE KNOW A COUPLE OF PEOPLE WHO WOULD LIKE THAT HAIRDO

    8:17:00 a.m  –  Warner reports that the Oklahoma City Thunder Star Center, Serge Ibaka, will be lost indefinitely.  Apparently, he’s suffered a knee injury, which Imus was relieved to hear, as he thought Serge had stepped off the team bus and wandered off somewhere.  No, I-Man.  That’s you.

    BACK IN THE DAYS OF NBC RADIO, THE PROGRAM DIRECTOR MADE THE I-MAN WEAR A GPS HELMET SO THEY COULD FIND HIM WHEN HE WOULD WANDER OFF THE RESERVATION

    8:40:16 a.m. – Juan Williams, I-Fave, In Studio, wearing his Green Tie in Celebration of St. Paddy’s Day.  (And for those of you who don’t believe in ‘The Black Irish’ we will simply submit… Eddie Murphy)   Juan is here to discuss the Iranian Nuclear Deal, which Mr. Williams suggests is a long term interest for the stability of the Middle East.  They also talk about the Israel Election, and a casual remark about the NCAAs, which brings us an interesting insight to the I-Man:  He does not gamble.  Unlike Pete Rose, Gambling is the ONLY Vice Imus DIDN’T take part in, after losing 20 dollars in slot machine when he was a lad.  You’re saying, what’s the big deal?  20 dollars isn’t much of a big deal.  Well, when Imus was a young man, you could buy a new car for 20 Dollars.  A house for a hundred.  For 50 Cents you could go to Europe.  So we understand the Boss’s trepidation.

    BACK THEN, THEY CALLED THEM ‘ONE LUNG BANDITS’

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    The Famous YouTube Sensation

    A Real Life Leprechaun Sighting

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4DAkW4VwfA

    Monday
    Mar162015

    They Found Putin!

    6:06:06 a.m. –    The I-Man is looking forward to the NCAA Brackets, but not for the games, but to watch the teams who did not get picked to participate, whine about it.   So every time the camera pans to someone from Colorado State or USC in the stands and he mouths “UCLA?  F**K  UCLA!”  the I-Man will get an extra special thrill. 


     THE FANS HAVE SPOKEN

    6:09:18 a.m. –  The I-Man, still extolling the virtues of Tim O’Brien’s THE THINGS THEY CARRIED, informs us that reading it revealed something to him about himself.  Reading it on the Kindle, Wyatt walked in and saw where the Boss was in the book and stated.  “Oh, you’re in ‘Special Courage’.  “Really?  Where?” the excited Imus exclaimed, “Keep reading.” Came the Wy-Man’s reply.  However, Wyatt was merely commenting on where his father was in the book, not suggesting that the name ‘Imus’ was mentioned in it.  Furiously, flipping through the pages of the chapter, his self-absorption level meter pegged into the red, he subsequently provided Mrs. Imus and Young Fredric Wyatt Imus with material for them to hammer him with for the rest of the evening, and, perhaps, the rest of his life.

    6:25:50 a.m. –  During her Business Report, Dagen reveals that she saw the scariest movie ever, “It Follows”, which, according to Dagen, is about STDs.  Of course it is.  We’re surprised she’s not starring in it.   Then she further explains the plot, and, apparently, the STDS aren’t the usual Venereal Diseases, they are ‘Sexually Transmitted Demons’.  And of that, we are pretty sure, Dagen is a carrier.

    WE ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE WAS A ‘SUCCUBUS’…BECAUSE IT SOUNDS SO MUCH LIKE…UM…WELL, YOU KNOW.

    6:40:14 a.m. –  Bo Dietl is resplendent in his double breasted blue pinstripe suit, which, the I-Man says is “Right out of ‘Guys & Dolls’”.   Bo says “Everything is cyclicalated, cycle-it-a-zated…circumvali… things come around again.”   Luck be a Lady.

    “SIDDOWN, YOU’RE ROCKITATING THE BOATATIZATION.”

    7:05:10 a.m. –  Thank God, we learn that Vladimir Putin has been found.  We were concerned that, like Generalissimo Francisco Franco, he might bed dead…still.  But turns out he was just visiting his girlfriend in Switzerland, as she was giving birth to their love child, ‘Baby Putin’.  “I just want to see little bastard”, Vladimir was quoted as saying.

    “WHAT YOU LOOK AT?  GIVE ME BINKY.  NOW.  OR YOU SPEND WINTER IN SIBERIA.”

    7:16:46 a.m. – Connell reports that Secretary of State Kerry has said that the United States might negotiate with Syria’s President, Bashar Al Assad.  To prepare for this possibility, Secretary Kerry has been practicing on Larry Bird.


    AL BASHAR, HOWEVER, DOESN’T HAVE NEARLY AS GOOD A JUMPSHOT

    7:19:44 a.m. –  Ashley Webster reports on a new Cell Phone App, ‘Price Per Pint’ where you can locate the nearest bar and what they are charging for drinks…which will come in handy tomorrow during the St. Patrick’s Day Parade…until you’re too drunk to figure out how to use your phone.


    WHEN THE LETTERS AND NUMBERS START LOOKING FUZZY…                       YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH

    7:40:18 a.m. –         VINNIE FROM QUEENS   The boys discuss the upcoming NCAA Tournament, Boxing Vs. MMA (as a sport, not an actual bout, as any Boxer in history would get his ASS KICKED by an MMA Fighter…Maybe not Ali in his Prime…) and finally, the favorite part of the segment, “Who’s the Bigger Douche?”  This week featuring Alex Rodriguez, vs. Aaron Hernandez.  The panel is split between a double murderer and a serial steroid abuser.  Someone actually suggests Aaron Hernandez should go free so he can murder A-Rod.


    TWO WAYS TO WEAR PINSTRIPES

    8:05:10 a.m. – Imus gives a ‘Shout Out’ to Bill Fick, of ‘Bill Fick Ford’.  Apparently on his Ford Dually, one of the rims was bent.  (Probably because of all those Potholes in Texas)  He called the Ford Dealer in Brenham, Texas, wanting to throw one of the local businesses, Appel Ford, a bone.  Instead, the I-Man GOT boned.  They quoted him a price that TWO rims would cost at Bill Fick’s.  Out of curiosity, he asks how much Appel Ford would give him on a trade in of two trucks for two new ones.  And again, the conniving bastards at Appel made him an offer of HALF of what Bill Fick already gave him.  We think the first clue that they are thieves is that an Oil Change at Appel is 7500 dollars.  Plus the Oil.  We think that the folks at Appel think they’re going to pull the wool over the eyes of ‘That Jewwwww from New York.’    But they don’t know that the I-Man may have been born at night, but not last night.   About 27 thousand nights ago.

    JUST A WEE BIT PRICEY

    8:16:32 a.m. –  The I-Man gets a disturbing text from Deirdre, apparently, Meghan Hurlbut, the Office Manager at Imus International Headquarters, has called in sick.  Which means the Boss will be answering his own phone.   Which prompts us to ask all of you to call the Office and ask him to play the new ‘Texas Tornados’ record.  As if he’s on the air and playing records…request ‘My Sugar Blue’ By the way, don’t be alarmed by the heavy breathing you will hear when he picks up the phone.  He’s just walked across the room to answer it.

    “HERE’S A REALLY LOOOOOOOOONG DISTANCE DEDICATION TO CASEY KASEM…WHEREVER HE IS…”

    8:35:00 a.m  – The CBS Sports College Basketball Guru, Seth Davis, has phone in, and the I-man is looking for some help in filling out his ‘Brackets’.  Seth warns him, “Don’t use my picks”, but does suggest that a key to victory might be to focus on the 5-12 matchups in all four regions. Steven F Austin vs. VCU and Buffalo vs. West Virginia, are two of the games he thinks are ripe for upset.  He deals very well with upset.  Considering that Kentucky Wildcats and the Duke Blue Devils are favorites to go to the Final Four, we see it as an omen that Seth’s dad, Lanny Davis, had to deal with an upset when a certain blue dress had a certain white stain.  Blue and White being the official colors of both schools. 

    “OUT, OUT DAMN SPOT!”

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    In keeping with the theme of ‘March Madness’, and The I-Man liking anything with the word ‘Hate’ in the title, here is the ESPN 30-30 Special that aired over the weekend.

    “I Hate Christian Laettner”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z1NLQWqBb8 

    Friday
    Mar132015

    Emojis

    6:06:06 a.m. –  GREAT NEWS!  Ashley Webster is here this morning!  Apparently, he set THREE alarms and turned his television on to the ‘Big Ben’ channel.  We only wish there had been hideous traffic on his way to work.  Actually, after the way she savaged him yesterday, we were kind of hoping the Karma Bank would make a huge withdrawal from Dagen’s account.  And that she’d wake up at 3…P.M.   But one thing about evil…it’s always on time.

    AN UNLIKELY MAGAZINE COVER

    6:09:18 a.m. – Wyatt told the I-Man last night that he saw a TV ad that listed the signs of dementia, such as misplacing your keys or walking into a room and not knowing why…The Wy-Man makes the horrifying discovery that HE has those very symptoms.  It must be contagious.

     “WHATS YOUR NAME AGAIN, OLD MAN?”

    6:40:14 a.m. –  Hannah Storm.  Need we say more?  Okay.  The I-Man asks her if she’s excited about the upcoming NCAA Basketball Tournament and she is.  Only because her alma mater, Notre Dame is in the mix.  She tells the story about being a mascot in High School, a Wild Cat,  and so she was set to go to Duke to play the ‘Blue Devil’, when her father, an alumnus of Notre Dame got her to switch.  To be honest, we stopped listening after she told us she dressed up in a Wildcat Costume.  She goes on to say that she started as a Heavy Metal DJ in Corpus Christie, where she was known as ‘Hannah Storm’…apparently her real name is Hannah Storin.  We knew it was too good to be true. 

    “HANNAH STORM HERE WITH YOU WITH A TWO-FER TUESDAY FROM…SCORPION!”

    7:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man tells a story about Robert Andrews, that involves a dead guy, friendship and tournament fishing.  It would be funny if it didn’t go on longer than Moby Dick. 

    THE ULTIMATE FISH STORY.  WE THINK WE HAVE AN IDEA WHY HE WAS CALLED “MOBY DICK”.   WELL, HE WAS A SPERM WHALE.  (AND OBVIOUSLY JEWISH)

    7:19:44 a.m. –  Warner reports on all the illegal gambling that will take place during March Madness, and warns the I-Man not to participate in Tony’s Bracket, lest he run afoul of ‘The Cumulus Brothers’.  We think he means the ‘Dickey Brothers’…but he won’t say the word ‘Dickey’, as he has an iron-clad rule to not use profanity.  The Cumulus Brothers, by the way, were the two twins back in Ancient Rome who used to feed the Lions when there was a shortage of Christians.

    BEHOLD!  I HAVE CONQUERED THE CUMULUS BROTHERS!

    7:37:18 a.m. -  HOLLYWOOD & VINE  featuring Deirdre, (The REAL one this week), Imogen, Dagen and Riedel, which we like to refer to as “Two Hot Blondes and Two Flat-Chested Brunettes.”  The I-Man starts off the proceedings with “Who’s the Bigger Douche?  But before the panel can scream out “RIEDEL!”   He says “Bill Cosby or Bill Clinton?”  Even though you can never go wrong with a question about douches by answering with the name Michael Riedel.    

    THE NEWEST PRODUCT FROM DON-CO INDUSTRIES, THE SAME PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU ‘DOUCHE ON A STICK, ‘DOUCHE-AWAYAND ‘CUP ODOUCHE 

    7:40:18 a.m. -  Imus also brings up the fact that the Emoji for ‘Poop’ looks just like the Emoji for ‘Ice Cream’

     

     

                            ICE CREAM                   POOP              CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM                   

    BE VERY CAREFUL WHEN ORDERING FROM FRIENDLYS WITH YOUR iPHONE

    8:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man tells us that Wyatt bought both him and Deirdre a book titled, The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien.  Wyatt said it was a must read, and the Boss concurs so we are all intrigued by it.  The I-Man expounds on the joys of reading, there really is nothing better.  We would offer that a hot SuperModel with her top off reading to us, would be somewhat of an improvement, but we concur, as far as leisure time activities go, it is a fine way to pass the time.  So good, in fact, that the I-Man began reading at 8:00 P.M. , and when he finally looked up from the book, it was 11:00.  So engrossed was he in the tome, he spent three hours immersed in it without even realizing how much time had gone by.  Which is surely a sign of great writing…although somewhat disturbing, as the Boss was reading in the bathroom. 

    THE I-MAN ENJOYS A GOOD BOOK.  AND THE BEST PART ABOUT IT IS, IF THERES NO TOILET PAPER, YOU CAN JUST TEAR OUT A PAGE YOUVE ALREADY READ

    8:16:32 a.m. –  The I-Man gives Connell a hard time after reading a story about an autistic child who wandered away from school and was found 24 hours later.  The Boss wants to know WHERE the kid had been discovered, a fact which, Connell does not know.   There is no information regarding that part of the story…but despite this, Imus maintains that “Shep Smith would know where they found the kid.  Even (Former Imus in the Morning Newsman) CHARLES would know where they found the kid!”   It’s a moot point, however, as he can get neither of  THEM on the phone because  A- Bigfoot doesn’t have Smith’s number, and B- Charles won’t answer his phone in Missouri because he has caller ID.

     “WHAT PART OF ‘I DONT WANT TO F***ING TALK TO YOUDONT YOU UNDERSTAND?  YOU SENILE OLD BASTARD!  AND…NO, YOU CANT COME OVER TO OUR HOUSE FOR THANKGIVING!

    8:35:00 a.m  –  Carl, ‘Two Questions’ Jeffers phones in from Baltimore, where he is attending to his elderly mother who is recovering from a recent fall.  Even  though she is prone, in traction, and wearing a brace, she attempts to get out of bed just to get away from him because “He just won’t shut the F**K UP!”

    “MAMA, YOU GOT TO STAY IN BED SO YOU GET BETTER…NO MORE TRYING TO WALK OUT…” (OBVIOUSLY, WE USED A LEGO CARL JEFFERS)

    8:35:00 a.m  –  Carl is on to discuss Ferguson, (Not Craig Ferguson, the Scottish Comedian recently of ‘The Late Late Show’)  or Sarah Ferguson, (The Freckle Faced Duchess of York) but the city of Ferguson, Missouri.  The Boss wants to know what sparked the recent uptick of violence that occurred at a protest a few days ago.  Carl says that the scathing report by the Justice Department on Systematic Racism, and the Ferguson Police Department,  which, some think, motivated the Ferguson Chief of Police to resign, was the culprit.  We have it on somewhat good authority that the unrest was caused by someone in the crowd playing the new Van Morrison / Mark Knopfler record.  Maybe they should’ve played Lucinda Williams instead.

    THE ‘HEROIN NODYOUD GET FROM LISTENING TO HER WOULD PREVENT ANY TYPE OF VIOLENCE.  THOSE ‘SMACK NAPSARE PRETTY SERIOUS

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY 

    Wyatt Need Not Worry

    We Dont Think Senility is Something He Needs to Worry About

    However…..

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUY1rQ_ESFY

    Thursday
    Mar122015

    You Do Not Want to Mess With McDowell!

    6:06:06 a.m. –   Ashley Webster isn’t here, and according to the I-Man, it’s because he was out drunk last night.  Which, for an Englishman, isn’t all that out of the ordinary.  What is out of the ordinary is he was late because he had to brush his teeth and had a hard time finding them.  

    “BLIMEY!  I SLEPT THROUGH THE BLOODY ALARM!  IT’S BLOODY 5 O’CLOCK!  TIME FOR TEA!”

    6:09:18 a.m. – Theresa’s cat, (Who, you might recall, broke his knees the other day) is being operated on today.  We’re not sure if it’s a knee replacement, or just arthroscopic surgery to correct the tendons behind the patella, but Imus asks us to guess how much it will cost.  Rob offers “30 Thousand.”  Stupid bastard.  It actually costs 5,000, which, after that conjecture, makes the 5 Grand sound like a bargain.  Until you realize you then have to multiply the 5 Grand by 9.  But for 5 thousand dollars, she could buy 100 new cats.  Which would then make her a crazy cat lady, something that we’re not all that sure isn’t already true.  But when you get to thinking about it, it wouldn’t be the first time somebody paid 5 K for a little pussy.

     IN ADDITION TO PAYING 5K FOR CAT SURGERY, THERESA IS CURRENTLY PUTTING THREE OF THESE FELINES THROUGH ‘KITTY COLLEGE’

    6:29:57  a.m. –  The I-Man informs us that Van Morrison has a new album coming out on March 23rd!  And he already has a single from the record, ‘Irish Heartbeat’, featuring Mark Knopfler of Dire Straits.  The album is called ‘Duets: Re-Working the Catalogue’, where he performs some of his Classics with the likes of Steve Winwood, Bobby Womack, Taj Mahal, Mavis Staples, Natalie Cole and George Benson.   Apparently, Stevie Wonder didn’t get the call.  Maybe because Van already made his feelings known about the Sight-Challenged when he kicked the Blind Boys of Alabama out of the Green Room.   We are particularly interested in his duet with Bobby Womack, as the 60’s Soul Singer died in 2014.  We assume they recorded in separate studios.  Van also does a new version of ‘Real Real Gone’ with Michael Buble’, which makes us sorry that WE didn’t die in 2014.

    FOR A GUY WHO DIED A YEAR AGO, HE LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.

    SO DOES BOBBY WOMACK

    6:36:24 a.m. –  Dr. Walid Phares is on, and immediately, controversy breaks outs, as Imus is suspicious of some of the songs on the Good Doctor’s Five Favorites list.  “One Republic and Timbaland?”   “I lost a bet.” comes the answer.  Well, that explains the song choice.  Which, we assume is also the reason why the I-Man is playing the new Van Morrison song.  Imus asks Dr. Phares a question, and then the Dr. speaks for some time, after which the I-Man says “Of course you didn’t answer the question.”  We can almost hear Dr. Phares’ sphincter contract through the phone.  After the interview, the I-Man has a very pithy comment.  “Lose the accent , okay?”

     “I’M SO VERY SORRY,  BUT…WHAT DID YOU SAY YOUR NAME WAS AGAIN?  MY MEMORY IS A LITTLE COMPROMISED AS I HAVEN’T EATEN ANYTHING IN THE PAST 8 MONTHS.  WAS IT DR.  FERRIS?  FERRIS?  LIKE FERRIS BUELLER?   OH MY GOLLY GOSH I AM SUCH A BIG FAN OF YOURS!  COULD YOU SING ‘DANKESCHOEN’ FOR ME?”

    6:40:14 a.m. –  The conversation continues, leading to a discussion about Iran, of which, Phares is worried that the current situation might be reminiscent of the Russians in World War II, where all the territory they took from the Nazis, they kept.  We think that Dr. Phares has been watching ‘300’ too much, where Leonidas says “Remember this day, men, for it will be yours for all time!” 

    UM…DR. WALLY?  IT’S ONLY A MOVIE.

    7:05:10 a.m. –  “Hey!  Look!  Ashley Webster has decided to come to work!” the  I-Man remarks, seeing Ashley’s face in the monitor.  We find out that he overslept.  By 2 and a half hours.  Dagen is not happy, as she, and a number of other people, ran around like chickens with their legs cut off, due to his absence.   “I’ve covered for you as well, Dagen,” says the Brit Business Bitch.  “When I was out due to family members who were ill.” she replies.  Ohhhhkay…  Now what, Ashley?   “Dagen played the sick family card.” Imus observes, clearly pleased that he has started a war on the program.  We have just a bit of advice for Ashley.  Don’t go down this road, son.  It’ll be like you’re bringing a slingshot to a Nuclear Missile Fight.   You DO NOT want to mess with McDowell. 

    DESPITE OUR WARNING, WEBSTER TANGLES WITH DAGEN.  IT’S NOT GOING TO END WELL

    7:16:46 a.m. – Connell reports about a 36 year old ‘man’ who was arrested for shining a military grade laser pointer from the second story window of his mother’s house, blinding pilots trying to land at LaGuardia airport.  We assume he was playing ‘Star Wars’, dressed up like Yoda using his green light saber on the Imperial Cruisers.  What a shock he lives in his mother’s house.

    “LET ME GO!  SAVE THE REBELLION, I MUST!”

    7:16:59 a.m. – What IS surprising is that this dude was on the 2nd Floor of his mother’s house, and not the basement.  But then again, he couldn’t very well shine a light from his bedroom down there, so he had to climb the stairs up to the attic where Mommy keeps Grandma wrapped up in duct Tape, even though she’s been dead for the past three years.  If THAT’S not a ‘Febreeze’ Commercial…

    “IT REALLY DOES SMELL FRESH AND CLEAN IN HERE…CAN I TAKE OFF MY BLINDFOLD?”

    7:34:18 a.m. – PSYCHOS II the weekly sequel!  Covering all the craziness that wasn’t covered on Monday’s PSYCHOS I.  We think today’s segment should have been renamed  ‘Who’s Getting an Intervention This Week?’   Because between Deirdre and Bo Dietl, it’s a Jump Ball.   There were people who were released from Bellevue this morning, because they weren’t nearly as bad as some of the members on the panel.  Alan Colmes takes issue with the G.O.P. Letter to Iran, Bernie claims that Mayor DeBlasio is dissing his constituents, Deirdre is concerned with ISIS recruiting 10 year olds and Bo is…well, Bo.  What was bothering him this morning?  “Hillary Clinton looks like a chipmunk.”  

    WE CAN KINDA SEE THAT…AFTER ALL SHE DOES ENJOY TAKING AWAY NUTS

    7:39:32 a.m. –  Speaking of chipmunks, Gunz takes exception with the people in Times Square who sell their ‘Mix Tapes’ and those who dress up like Hello Kitty, Spiderman, and Elmo.  Gunz will never say ‘Hello’ to the Kitty, or even let Elmo touch him, as there was obviously some incident that occurred with the little red freak at some point Gunz’s past.    

    “OKAY, GUNZ…SHOW US WITH THE COOKIE MONSTER WHAT ELMO DID TO YOU.”

    YES.  THAT  PSYCHO.

    8:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man informs us all that he is truly special.  Oh, he’s ‘Special’ alright.  He’s definitely on the ‘Special Spectrum’.  He says that he was just born naturally talented, that he was dealt four aces and we got a pair of threes, and so we have to work harder.  The world loves him just as he is, and he doesn’t have to do anything for that to happen.   Which is A - True.   And B- The reason why we believe there’s no God.

    AND ON THE EIGHTH DAY, GOD CREATED…THE I-MAN

    8:36:00 a.m  –  Bernard Goldberg is on, an I-Fave, and someone who you would think was an erudite and brilliantly articulate man, but clearly, grew up in The Catskill Mountains splitting his summers between various Borscht Belt hotels.  Mr. Goldberg tells a ‘True Story’ about his 92 year old Aunt, ‘Mrs. Cohen’, and her friend at the other Nursing Home, an Irish woman whose name we don’t remember, but it really doesn’t make a difference, because it’s obvious this ‘True’ Story is an AWFUL joke, which, in order to be even marginally funny, can’t be told on the air, as the word ‘Screw’ doesn’t have as much punch as ‘F**K’.

    “AND THEN THEY ALL STAND UP AND TAKE A BOW, AND THEN THE AGENT SAYS ‘HEY, THAT’S GREAT, I’VE NEVER QUITE SEEN AN ACT LIKE THAT.  WHAT DO YOU GUYS CALL YOURSELVES?  AND THE FATHER SAYS, ‘THE ARISTOCRATS!’   THANK YOU,  LADIES AND GERMS, MY NAME IS SHECKY GOLDBERG, YOU DON’T FORGET TO TIP YOUR WAITRESSES NOW, SEE YOU TOMORROW BY THE POOL.”

    8:38:37  a.m  - The I-Man questions Bernie about his Five Favorite Songs, one of which is ‘Surfin’ USA’, by The Beach Boys, with the famous riff they stole from Chuck Berry, but  apparently, there are some ‘Blurred Lines’ as to how true that story is.  (There’s no blurred line…it’s true.  Total Rip Off)  One thing we’re almost positive of:  Chuck did NOT write a song about Surfing.

    “SH********T…IF  Y’ALL GONNA STEAL FROM ME, I MIGHT AS WELL JOIN THE GROUP.  BECAUSE I’M GETTIN’ PAID!

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    Van Morrison Discusses Working With Mark Knopfler On His New Album ‘Duets: Re-Working The Catalogue’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JK454__BbdM 

    Which can be heard here:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oPb2Ma9z2M 

    (Turn Your Speakers Up Now)

     

    On Bobby Womack and ‘Peace of Mind’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mYkDbmJ8S8 

    Which can be heard here:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t1x6bpHOYU 

      

    BONUS TRACK:

    His remake of ‘Real Real Gone’ With Michael Buble’

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRDHApDmTuI