6:05:12 A.M. – The I-Man begins by talking about Tom Brady’s suspicious destruction of his cell phone. He then gives his audience an assignment: To come up with a creative way to hide incriminating texts on an iPhone. We have the ultimate answer. Stick it down Gunz’s pants. No one has ever, nor will they ever, look in there. It’s safer than the Lost Ark of the Covenant. It couldn’t be more invisible if it were represented by the William Morris Agency.
“I HAVEN’T SEEN IT…HAVE YOU SEEN IT? NOBODY’S SEEN HIDE NOR HAIR OF IT…I THINK IT MAY HAVE JUST ESCAPED…”
6:08:56 A.M. – The Boss went to Bill Fick Ford yesterday, and is proud of himself for not purchasing yet ANOTHER pickup truck he doesn’t need. He runs into a Texan Gentleman who, upon recognizing the I-Man, says that he ‘Watches’ him every morning on Fox. Uhhhhh huh. What the Fick?
WE THINK THE DUDE’S CONFUSING THE I-MAN FOR LIZ MCDONALD
6:15:44 A.M. – Imus reveals that he’s found a replacement for Meghan Hurlbut, the Office Manager for Imus in the Morning World Headquarters, and it’s our old friend, Ali from Fox Business. Gunz is VERY Excited that there will be another ‘Chick’ on the program. “You mean, besides you?” Connell asks.
GUNZ CAN’T CONTAIN HIS / HER EXCITEMENT
6:18:36 A.M. – Warner’s take on the Brady story this morning is that Tom should’ve ratted out the equipment managers who were involved in ‘Deflate Gate’…obviously, Warner’s never seen ‘Goodfellas’.
“YOU TOOK YOUR FIRST PINCH LIKE A MAN,
AND YOU DIDN’T RAT OUT YOUR FRIENDS”
JAMES ‘JIMMY THE GENT’ BURKE, ADVISES TOM BRADY
6:40:27 A.M. – Peter Kiernan, author of Becoming China’s Bitch , and AMERICAN MOJO...and the soon to be released, America’s Got It’s Mojo, Workin’. (That last one was ours) Why is Mr. Kiernan on again? He has a ‘Yen’ to talk about the Chinese Economy. We just had him on, but like most Chinese Specialties, a half hour later…you want to listen to him again. A very interesting interview that ends with the I-Man saying “You’re an idiot”, as Kiernan likes the Willie Nelson version of ‘Georgia’ more than Ray Charles’.
THE CHINESE RAY CHARLES HAS GOT HIS MOJO WORKIN’
7:05:10 A.M. – The I-Man was very upset over the murder of ‘Cecil the Lion’, a beloved animal that had been tracked for years as part of a zoological study about migration habits and inhumanely shot by this Walter Palmer, a Midwest Pantload Dentist who fancies himself a Big Game Hunter. It’s not exactly ‘Hunting’ when you practically shoot the proud beast while its still in the cage. Imus is audibly shaken by this horrible act…yes, the old cat with the great mane…showing empathy for another of his kind. There but for the Grace of God…
HE USED TO WORK FOR MGM
7:15: 34 A.M. – The Boss takes a ‘Selfie’, and discovers he looks just like Prison Escape Accomplice, Joyce Mitchell.
WE DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S TALKING ABOUT. THERE’S NO RESEMBLANCE AT ALL
7:20:40 A.M. – Breaking News: The Doug Sahm Documentary Project on Kickstarter has met its’ goal of seventy-five thousand dollars…and, in fact, raised three thousand more than they needed. But that extra 3K will go a long way to improving the already first class production value. What are they doing? Using Home Movies taken by the Sir Douglas Quaintet?
HE MADE IT A ‘SEXTET’. ‘HE’S ABOUT A MOVER’
7:35:56 A.M. – A clip of CNN’s Jake Tapper interviewing Republican Candidate Ben Carson, expressing his sympathy and condolences in light of Mr. Carson’s Mom’s death. It’s heartfelt, and sincere, despite the fact that Ben informs Jake that his Moms ‘Sprang Back.’ Srung back? Who is she? James Brown, throwing off the cape at the end of ‘Please Please Please’? The Crack CNN News Team Strikes Again!
UM…SHE AIN’T DONE YET, JAKE…
7:40:06 A.M. – BLONDE ON BLONDE, or, as we like to call it, ‘Pinata Time With Lis Wiehl.’ We could easily name it, ‘What’s Pissed Off Deirdre…Now?’ Well, actually, this morning, it’s Dr. Bill, for not coming clean about the fact that he had girlfriend. Mr. and Mrs. Imus have been trying to set him up with Lis, essentially, pimping her out. Maybe if Lis got a dark wig, took some photos, and post a profile written in ‘Tagalog’ on ‘Filipino Mail Order Brides’, she’d have some better luck.
LIS, UNDERCOVER, AS ‘IMELDA’:
SHE SEEKS “OVERWEIGHT, MIDDLE AGED, HAIRY ARMED, MOUTHBREATHING DORK WHO WEARS A CHEAP WATCH AND STILL LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER”
7:41:06 A.M. – Inspired by the story about Gay men now being allowed to be Boy Scout Leaders, leads the I-Man to pose the following question to the Bleached Babes: “Would you let your child go camping with a Gay Scout Leader?” Lis isn’t sure if she would allow her son or daughter…but she’d go in a heartbeat. She’s not above going the ‘Cougar Route’
“HEY…YOU BOYS WANT TO GET A LITTLE HELP EARNING YOUR ‘KNOT-TYING’ MERIT BADGE?
7:45:16 A.M. – Imus embraces the idea of Lis lowering her age limit requirement. He suggests that she takes a run at Gunz…who, basically, would take a run at that Filipino Mail Order Bride above. When faced a life alone or dating Gunz…Lis chooses…celibacy. She would rather be one of those old ladies with all the cats.
“THIS IS ABOUT AS CLOSE TO PUSSY AS GUNZ WILL EVER GET.”
8:17:34 A.M. – Deirdre turns down the Thermostat, and then disappears from the studio. Meanwhile, as you know, ‘Old people get cold.’ So the I-Man is freezing. You can’t be mad at the D-Woman, however, she’s just trying to slow down the aging process…and keep the Boss Fresh.
“DAMMIT, DEIRDRE, WHAT PART ABOUT ‘IT’S FREEZING IN HERE!’ DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?
8:39:43 A.M. – Lanny Davis, Crisis Management Specialist and Harvey Keitel from Pulp Fiction kind ‘Cleaner’ for the Clinton’s, is on, and Imus asks him if he would rep Bill Cosby, or Walter Palmer, the serial rapist and that Hunter/Dentist/Coward. Lanny firmly says ‘No’. Which says a lot, considering he defended Bubba & Hillary through Travelgate and Vince Foster’s ‘Suicide’.
LANNY DAVIS SUCCESSFULLY DISTRACTING HILLARY FROM NOTICING BUBBA HAS HIS LEFT HAND ON MELANIA TRUMP’S ASS
VIDEO OF THE DAY
IN MEMORY OF CECIL THE LION,
WE PRESENT TWO EXAMPLES
OF THE INCREDIBLE BOND
BETWEEN MAN AND BEAST