Wednesday
Mar262014

Sing it Sister!

6:05:10 a.m. –   The I-Man begins the morning by discussing Geno Smith sending cell phone pictures of his Weiner to some chick he was hitting on.  Imus is impressed that there was no tearful ‘Mea Culpa’, no lame excuses, just… “Yeah, I took a photo of my junk and sent it to a babe.  Now what?”

“IF YOU DIDN’T SEE IT ON THE INTERNET, IT’S ABOUT THE SIZE OF THREE OF THESE”

6:23:01 a.m. –  Imus bit the inside of his mouth.  It’s painful.  We empathize.  We do it all the time biting our lips when the I-Man asks us how his hair looks. 

“NO, REALLY, BOSS, IT’S PERFECT…LOOKS LIKE YOU JUST FINISHED BOBBING FOR CIGARETTE BUTTS IN THE TOILET.”

6:40:46 a.m. – Combat Veteran and former Navy Seal Officer Leif Babin is on.  He has a REALLY AWFUL Musical Mt. Rushmore: George Strait, Marty Robbins, 3 Doors Down and…Tool.  Uh….huh.   It reads like a playlist off ‘Joe Dirt’s’ i-Pod.  From ‘All My Ex’s Live in Texas’ to ‘Out in the old Texas Town of El Paso’ to ‘Kryptonite’…these are the three favorite bands OF a Tool.  (Um…Just so you know, Mr. Babin, we really didn’t mean “Tool” in the Urban Dictionary Definition, you know, a ‘Tool’ being ‘One who lacks the mental capacity to know he is being used…a fool.  A cretin, characterized by low intelligence and/or self-esteem.’  We meant ‘Tool of War’ as in ‘Lethal Instrument’.  We LOVE Tool.  In fact, we can’t decide which is our favorite song; ‘Schism’ , ‘Vicarious’ or ‘StinkFist’.   Danny’s drumming in ‘Vicarious’ is God-Like.)

TOOL’S ‘TOOL’: YOU CAN USE THE ‘NUTS’ TO LOOSEN YOUR NUTS

6:47:11 a.m. – Leif weighs in on the Russian situation…Crimea and the Ukraine, he says “Kindergarteners can figure this out…if we don’t show strength by drawing lines in the sand that have serious consequences…then we become weak.”  Or something like that.  We’re not sure of the exact quote, all we know is, we wouldn’t DREAM of F^%$ing with Leif as a Kindergartner.

FILE PHOTO:

 LEIF IN KINDERGARTEN, SPENDING RECESS AS HE ALWAYS DID: CLEANING HIS PISTOL

7:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man asks Warner if he’s ever bitten the inside of his cheek…as if he could bite the OUTSIDE of his cheek.  Imus acts as though nobody else would know what that experience is like…much in the same way that he extolled how great the pancakes are at IHOP, the Bruce Springsteen is killer, and masturbation isn’t a bad way to spend 90 seconds.

YOU SEE, ‘EAT ME’ ISN’T A PHRASE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE LITERALLY

7:37:34 a.m. – ‘Blonde on Blonde’, or as we like to call it, ‘Where’s the Mute Button?’  Deirdre beats on Lis like a rented redheaded step-mule.  Which is unusual, as Deirdre usually is very receptive to opposing views, and discusses them with Lis in a reasoned, measured, courteous manner in a civil, polite, well-mannered debate.  Say what you want about Deirdre, she respects her elders.

LIS AT HER COLLEGE REUNION

7:45:09 a.m. –  Imus plays a clip of Sister Cristina Scuccia from the Italian version of ‘The Voice’.  It’s amazing.  Lis is especially impressed, not by the good sister’s singing, but that a woman could actually take a vow of chastity.  The nun IS talented, however, but she’s no Sister Bertrille.  That girl could FLY.

“YO…SISTAH…WHERE THE PLANE AT?”

8:11:24 a.m. – Dagen makes the uncomfortable observation that both she and Carley would sleep with Nat Candido before they would even give the time of day to ‘Gunz’.  This inspires the I-Man to play Cupid and set up Nat with Giselle, our Hair Stylist in the Green Room.  He extolls our lovable Stage Manager’s many virtues:  He’s thoughtful, kind, funny, enthusiastic…he’s got a big heart, he’s ‘relatively clean’.  Dagen adds ‘Hirsute’, which is a fancy, Dick Cavett Scrabble word, meaning:  ‘Back Hair Like A Chimp’.  Stop.  You had us at ‘Relatively Clean’.

WALKING IS NOT THE ONLY THING NAT DOES…UM… ‘UPRIGHT’. 

YOU KNOW WHAT WE’RE SAYING, LADIES?

8:40:14 a.m. – Christopher, ‘Mad Dog’ Russo is on, live, in the studio.  To truly get the full ‘Mad Dog’ experience, Russo MUST be seen in the flesh.  He’s a role model for all the ‘Trainables’ out there with big heads because they’re so full of dreams…you know, the 40 year old guys living in their mother’s basements, eating pudding and playing NBA 2K 14 on XBOX…destined to die a virgin.  It’s incredible to us that, not only is Mad Dog married, he’s fathered 4 children. (At least that’s his wife’s story) We’re of the opinion that this guy couldn’t’ get laid at the Bunny Ranch with a Black American Express card and a fistful of fifties taped to his junk.   

CHRISTOPHER ‘MAD DOG’ RUSSO (L)

8:43:08 A.M. – Mad Dog reviews his old partner, Mike Francesa’s, new show on Fox Sports 1.  Bigfoot puts the video of the show up on the monitor, and Russo gets confused, thinking Mike is buying a Diet Coke at a 7-11, because it looks like Security Cam footage. 

“HI.  WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE DORITOS?”

8:47:08 A.M. –  Chris reveals that he wants his 15 Year old son, Timmy, to play in the NBA.  If he’s anything like his father, athletic-wise, the only way Timmy’s getting on a Professional Basketball court is if he’s wearing a Giant Animal head.

MAD DOG : HIS HOOPS CAREER HOPES DIED EARLY

8:55:10 A.M. – The I-Man informs us that he had a little ‘adventure’ when he left the studio yesterday.  As he was getting into the backseat of the I-Scalade, an irate fan was giving him ‘The Business’   Brant, apparently, kept the door open, so the gentleman could finish his rant.  Always the thoughtful one, that Brant Eaton.  We’re surprised he didn’t off the nut job a ride.  “Where you going?  Soho?  It should only take about 4 hours.  I know a shortcut.”

“SORRY THE RIDE’S SO BUMPY SIR, BUT THE PIN’S STILL IN THE GRENADE, RIGHT?”

VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

SISTER CRISTINA CRUSHES IT ON THE ITALIAN ‘VOICE’

  WHEN WE WERE KIDS, IF A NUN GOT THAT EXPRESSION ON HER FACE,

WE WERE ABOUT TO GET WHACKED ON THE WRIST WITH A RULER

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2v6kpU6a8qI 

Tuesday
Mar252014

Hapy Birtday Aretha!

6:05:10 a.m. –  The I-Man was not happy with yesterday’s blog, said “Even Meghan thought it was bland.”   He believes we’re pussying out because our names are now on the blog.  Meghan thought it was bland because…well, Meghan’s suffered a horrible head wound that makes it difficult for her to communicate.  She meant to say the Blog was ‘Too Bold’.  Poor, dear, sweet child.  We are going to send her a little gift … ‘Just because’.   A brand new drool cup.

MEGHAN WITH HER NEW DROOL CUP: “UMBRELLA…PRETTY”

6:11:12 a.m. –  Dick Cavett was on yesterday, for about 10 minutes, (at least that’s what the clock said) to promote his Off Broadway Play in which, he plays himself.  Really stretching that acting muscle, huh, Mr. Cavett?  Dick is one of our favorite guests…despite the fact that, somewhere out in the Hamptons, he’s on the phone…thinking he’s still talking to Imus.

 DICK AS ‘BEPPO’, THE 6TH MARX BROTHER

6:23:01 a.m. –  The I-Man announces he, Deirdre and Wyatt will be having dinner with Esther “Lobster” Newberg…which, we assume, was nicknamed by Kinky Friedman due to her last name, when in fact, it refers to the fact that she’s an insect-like looking creature with a hard shell.  We’re not sure when the dinner is going to take place; however, one thing we ARE sure of.  Esther is already 3 quarters of the way through her first box of Chardonnay, and her Xanax prescription was upped to 50 Milligrams.

“UH OH…MOMMY HAD A LITTLE TOO MUCH RIPPLE AND FELL DOWN…  BUT SHE NEEDS TO GET BACK IN THE HOUSE…SO, COME ON, OPEN THE DOOR…PLEASE?  HEY!  OPEN THE F*&^ING DOOR! HERE, PUSSSSSY PUSSSSY…”

6:40:46 a.m. – Arthur Aidala is on to discuss High Level Trials of the day:  Bernie Madoff, Oscar Pastorius, but the I-Man warns him that Dagen is going to attempt to ‘Friend’ him on Facebook.  Too late.  She’s already ‘Friends’ with Arthur on Facebook.  Arthur says “Just until the restraining order kicks in.”

ARTHUR AIDALA (L) IN THE MOVIE ABOUT HIS LIFE, JOE PANTOLIANO WILL PLAY HIM.         THE CRAZED STALKER, DAGEN, WILL BE PORTRAYED BY REBA MCINTIRE

“HEY, ARTHUR.  I ‘FRIENDED’ Y’ALL.  WHY WON’T Y’ALL ‘FRIEND’ ME?”

7:17:15 a.m. –  The I-Man talks about his new Ford Pickup, and mentions that the gentleman he bought the truck from is in GREAT shape.  He does the P-90X Level 3 workout.  Connell remarks that the guy looks like he could tear Imus in half, which isn’t really that big a deal, Larry Flynt could tear the Boss in half.

“HEY…BRING IT, SUGAR BRITCHES…I’LL RUN YOUR BONY ASS OVER…”

7:28:34 a.m. –   Hollywood & Vine, which will be without Michael Riedel, who is on vacation…AGAIN.  We’d love to know how to get a gig where you work three times a week and take a vacay every three weeks.  Rob has filled in, and everyone waits with bated breath to see whether or not he will ‘Suck’.  The controversial topic of Kimye on the cover of Vanity Fair is discussed, and Dagen calls Anna Wintour, ‘The Twit Bitch’.  We assume she could get away with it because they’re friends on Facebook.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, she questions Rob’s penis size.  Oh no she di-int.  Let’s put it this way, you could tell time off his shadow.  He’s like a human sundial.   At the end of the segment, I-Man announces that Rob ‘Wasn’t horrible.’  Wow.  Progress.

DAGEN BELIEVES ROB MAY BE CHEATING

8:05:10 a.m. – A clip of Deirdre on Hannity is shown, in which, after asking her a question about China, she claims Sean is ‘For Dirty Water.’  We are not sure we follow the logic, nor are we positive that Mr. Hannity is, indeed, AGAINST clean water.  He insists he buys bottled water…which, he shouldn’t have done, because there’s toxins in the plastic.  Jesus, Hannity, have you learned NOTHING from the I-Man’s pain?  You might as well have asked Deirdre about Christina Aguilera’s new holiday idea, ‘Steak and BJ Day’.  (Which Imus is not, has never and never will celebrate) We have renewed respect for the I-Man, however.  It’s clear that she saved his life…so that she can torture him through the rest of it.  It’s like when the guy on Death Row gets Pneumonia, and they give him Anti-Biotics.

“YOU LIKE JESUS, SEAN?  HE ATE FISH!  YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MERCURY IS IN FISH?  AND HE WALKED ON WATER?  DID HE EVER WASH HIS FEET?  THAT WATER MUST’VE BEEN FILTHY! I GUESS YOU’RE OKAY WITH MERCURY AND DIRTY WATER!”

8:12:24 a.m. – Imus talks about Joe Tacopina.  Not that Arthur Aidala is a bad lawyer, but Tacopina is the man responsible for saving Wyatt’s dog Lucinda, by shutting down the Ritzy Canine, the boarding facility that ‘lost’ the dog.  Tacopina is LAW in the canine world.  In fact, he is such a popular human figure, that he can get his crotched licked anytime he wants.

“YOU CHANGED MY LIFE, JOE…YOU CHANGED MY LIFE…HEY, LEMME GET THAT FOR YOU”

8:15:14 a.m. – The I-Man relates the famous ‘Van Morrison/Blind Boys of Alabama’ story, where the very chaste, sight-challenged, lovely old Gospel-Singing Gentlemen were subjected to the Angry Leprechaun’s dropping of the ‘F Bomb’, and then promptly thrown out of the  Green Room by him, and were forced to endure more abuse when they didn’t leave fast enough for him…completely forgetting they couldn’t see where the effing door was.

THE BLIND BOYS WERE LEFT TO WANDERING THE STREETS AFTER VAN THREW THEM OUT OF THE GREEN ROOM.  IT TOOK AWHILE FOR US TO FIND THEM, BECAUSE THEY COULDN’T GIVE US ANY ADDRESS OR LANDMARKS TO INDICATE WHERE THEY WERE

8:35:08 a.m. – The Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, is 72 today.  The President wished her a H.A.P.Y. B.I.R.T.D.A.Y.

TODAY HER AGE FINALLY REACHES HER NECK SIZE

8:40:14 a.m. – War Hero, former presidential candidate, one of the most esteemed members of the Senate, and one of our very most favorite guests…  Senator John ‘Wayne’ McCain phones in.  The Senator has some harsh words for Vladimir Putin, and if we were the Russian President, we would be s#!&ing borscht right about now.  He says if he were president, he would treat Putin for what he is, a Former KGB punk and corrupt Kleptocrat.  We called Putin a ‘Douchenozzle’, because we actually had to look up ‘Kleptocrat’, because, well…we’re stupid.  It means “A Government Official who is a thief or exploiter.”  That will be a killer Scrabble word to know.  Much better than ‘Douchenozzle’.  (Although Douchenozzle DOES have two Z’s, which are  worth 10, but there’s only one in the game so you’d have to use a blank tile, which is only worth zero, but still, on a Triple word score you’d get 75, as opposed to Kleptocrat which, on a Triple letter score, would only be worth 57.)

D2 O1 U1 C3 H4 E1 N1 O1 Z10 Z10 L1 E1

OF COURSE, YOU’D HAVE TO PLAY OFF ‘DOUCHE’  (AND USE A BLANK TILE)

9:05:10 A.M. – We are ‘reminded’ as to what the I-Man expects from us on the program.  It only took two weeks, but finally, we got it.  We re-read his original E-Mail a little less self-consciously, and allowed ourselves to move our lips as we read.  Turns out we should probably give ourselves new drool cups, as we make Meghan look like Neil Degrasse Tyson compared to us.  Who’s Neil Degrasse Tyson you ask?  He’s the new guy hosting ‘Cosmos’.  Jesus.  Are YOU suffering from a massive head wound?  We thought WE were stupid.

TWEEDLE DUM AND TWEEDLE DUMBER

 

VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

A TRIBUTE TO ILL-TIMED TUMESCENCE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vGKOcZ4kp8

Monday
Mar242014

Nobody Knows Nothing

6:05:10 a.m. –  The March Madness Brackets are discussed.  Warner talks about the upsets and quotes himself: “Nobody knows nothing.”  Imus wants to know who said that first.  Warner claims it’s him.  He also claims that he said “The only thing we have to fear…is fear itself.”

“IF YOU HAD ME PLAYING HOPSCOTCH…YOU LOST!”

6:11:12 a.m. –   Connell reads a news story about the President travelling to Europe when he will meet with Pope Francis. The I-Man wonders if the former Holy Father, Pope Benedict, (Or as Imus will no doubt refer to him from this day forward: “Papa Benny”) will try to ‘horn in’ on the proceedings.  We wonder how The Previous Pontiff will do that.  Standing at the door with a glass to his ear?

“WHAT DOES HE MEAN, ‘BENEDICT NEVER PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN?’”

6:17:01 a.m. –  The Boss relates a story about a contractor at the Ranch in Brenham, informing the I-Man that he is going to build a roping arena with three ‘Big Ass Fans’.  Which, are not, as you might think, a trio of typical Imus in the Morning listeners, it’s the brand name for the fans that will be used to cool off the facility.

THREE OF IMUS’ BIGGEST ASS FANS

6:20:40 a.m. – Dagen mentions that Michael Waltrip was interviewing a woman trackside at California Speedway in Fontana, that she says he thought was Donna Summer.  Bernard claims that Waltrip was just joking, and knew that the woman was, in fact, NOT Donna Summer. Which would make sense, as she passed away a few years ago.  You know these 70’s Disco Divas all look the same.

YOU CAN’T BLAME OL’ MICHAEL WALTRIP, IT’S AN HONEST MISTAKE.  LUIS IS PRETTY CONVINCING…HE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY

6:35:01 a.m. –  Bo Dietl is on.  Bo is the man.  He’s on to discuss the President’s trip to Europe and wonders why Obama is travelling so much, and why he’s not at home working in the White House.  Well, Bo,most of the stuff at the White House is already taken care of…didn’t you see “The Butler”?   He’s the most powerful man in the Free World, Bo…which means he has to travel around the Free World.  You know, to make sure it stays free.

WOW, THREE WHITE BUTLERS?  THINGS REALLY HAVE ‘CHANGED’!

(“I THOUGHT THEY SAID THE JOB WAS TO SERVE ‘BATMAN’…NOT ‘BLACK MAN’”)

7:12:15 a.m. –  We play the video from the race and we see Waltrip talking to the woman who really DOES look like Donna Summer.  Tony is relieved, as it’s not a case of…you know… ‘All those 70’s Divas Look Alike’.

“HEY!  LAST DANCE!  MISS SUMMER!  I’M A BIG FA…UM…I’M SORRY ABOUT THAT, MISS GAYNOR.  BUT HEY, YOU ‘WILL SURVIVE’”

7:35:34 a.m. – ‘It Might Be Elvis’, the ‘Rate a Record’ segment that’s captured the imaginations of the Nation, goes off without a hitch, despite the fact that NONE of the four songs are any good.  Well, that is, except for Tony’s which is “You” by The Jazmin Sisters, a group of four Asian Women who sound…well, black.  Tony is playing the averages.  “A BILLION Chinese People in China, 12 Million Black People in the United States, all we need is a HALF a percent, and we are going to be REEEE ITCH  BEEE YITCH!”

“HEY!  SISTER SLEDGE!  WE ARE FAM…WHAT?  OH.  SORRY LADIES.  BUT ALL YOU CHI…UM…DISCO DIVAS LOOK ALIKE.”

8:05:10 a.m. – Michael Kay,the British Aviation Expert, (AND NOT THE REAL MICHAEL KAY)  is on to discuss where the plane is.  With all his experience with fixed wing and rotary wing aircraft, (being a Helicopter Pilot Instructor) he doesn’t know either.  Probably because, being British, he’s not used to planes being flown on the right side of the sky.

“SO SORRY, OLD CHAP.  BUT I WAS SO WRAPPED UP IN THIS CRICKET MATCH, I DIDN’T HAVE TIME TO RESEARCH THE MALAYSIAN PLANE DISAPPEARANCE.”

8:26:14 a.m. – Dagen made a handmade sign as Michael Kay was leaving.  It said:  “Hot”, referring to Mr. Kay.  We hope the dashing Brit brought his Pepper Spray.   Dagen heard that the British are known for their ‘Spotted Dick’.  We don’t have the heart to tell her that it’s an English Dessert.  A Sponge Pudding that you can purchase in a can.

THE SIGN THAT MADE MICHAEL KAY BLUSH

8:40:14 a.m. –   Dick Cavett is on to talk about his Off-Broadway play, ‘Hellman Vs. McCarthy’, about the legendary feud between Lillian Hellman and Mary McCarthy, who, apparently, was not a fan.  She maintained that “Every word (Hellman) writes was a lie, including ‘and’ and ‘the’.”   An assertion to which Ms. Hellman responded with a rather protracted lawsuit.  We are happy for Dick.  Even happier that he will be talking about somebody other than Tallulah Bankhead.

“MARY, DID YOU HEAR THE STORY ABOUT TALLULAH BANKHEAD ON THE TONIGHT SHOW?”

“NO, DICK, I DID NOT.”

“AND SO YOU SHALL, DEAR GIRL…AND SO YOU SHALL.”

8:45:14 a.m. –   We learn that Dick plays himself in the play, something he’s done before in films like ‘Forrest Gump’ and ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street 3’. 

‘FREDDIE’ , ZSA ZSA AND DICK.  THAT’S WHAT WE CALL A ‘NIGHTMARE’

9:03:17 a.m. -  Dr. Bill Evans has a problem pronouncing the word ‘Debilitating.’  You can add that to the list of things he can’t say;  a list that includes ‘Meteorologist’ and “I’ll move the car.”

A DEBILITATED DR. BILL.  WE DON’T WANT TO SEE THE CAST HE HAS ON HIS JUNK

VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

GET YOUR POLYESTER SHIRT, GOLD CHAINS AND PLATFORM SHOES ON

IT’S DISCO TIME!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlzlNpttvVM&list=PL958C754B25C41A04 

Thursday
Mar202014

It's Rob and Tony's Blog

6:05:10 a.m. – At 12:57 p.m. this afternoon, Spring will arrive.  It’s about Mother F^&%ing time.  We are so Mother F^&%ing done with this Mother F^&%ing winter, and all the Mother F^&%ing snow.  The fact that Meteorologist Dr. Bill Evans is not a dead man by now, is a Mother F^&%ing miracle.

THANKS FOR NOTHING, MOTHERF^&%ER

6:05:12 a.m. –   The I-Man has decided there will NOT be any wall to wall ‘Where’s the Plane?’ coverage this morning.  Despite the breaking news that they THINK they’ve found some wreckage, he’s going ‘Radio Silent’ on the matter.  Warner offers a theory.  He says that this could be a ‘Honey Trap’, where a female assassin who got her way into the cockpit, through the weakness of one of the pilots…which means two things:  1- He’s already been into the wine, and 2-he’s seen WAY too many James Bond movies.

“HEY, CAPTAIN, CAN A NAUGHTY GIRL COME INSIDE TO SEE YOUR ‘COCKPIT’?”

6:11:01 a.m. – The Boss has decided that, from now on, this blog will be known as “ROB AND TONY’S Behind the Scenes Blog”.  He’s tired of taking heat for the horrible things we say and do to the guests of the program within these humble pages.  Yesterday’s transgression had to do with Mary Higgins Clark’s Hustler Cover.  We humbly apologize to Mary for this lack of judgment on our part.  We should have used her Penthouse Cover.  It’s definitely a better shot of her, and here it is:

IMAGE

REMOVED

(PHOTO REDACTED DUE TO FEDERAL DECENCY LAWS) 

AFTER SUCCESSFULLY HACKING INTO THE BLOG AND REMOVING THE HIDEOUSLY TASTELESS PHOTO, MARY, TRIUMPHANTLY, FLIPS ROB N’ TONY THE BIRD

“TAKE THAT, YOU FAT PANTLOADS!”

6:40:46 a.m. – The I-Man has broken his vow to not speak of the missing plane, and engages Stuart Varney in a discussion of what he thinks happened.  Turns out, he believes Barack Obama is responsible, as part of a grand socialist scheme to get the people of Malaysia signed up for his Health Care Plan.

WHO IS THE SHADOWY FIGURE IN THIS PHOTO?  STUART KNOWS.

7:03:15 a.m. – Imus asks Dr. Bill where he thinks the plane is.  He says it’s in a hangar somewhere.  We wonder if it was previously in a driveway and somebody Valet Parked it.

“I’M SORRY SIR, BUT I CAN’T BRING YOUR VEHICLE AROUND UNLESS YOU HAVE A TICKET”

7:37:34 a.m. –   The ‘Mensa’ Meeting.  The Boss asks the panel what they think happened to the plane.  Colmes believes it was an electrical fire that crashed the plane.  Deirdre believes it’s in a ‘Chop Shop’, we assume so that it could be sold for parts. Bernard thinks the pilots are in on some kind of plot, and Gunz thinks that it took four hours for the plane to crash because you can’t go swimming right after you eat.

“I TOLD YOU, THIS ENGINE IS CHERRY, I CAN LET IT GO FOR 1500.”

7:4134 a.m. – The topic of School Districts allowing the first three periods of High Schools to be used for teenage students to catch up on their sleep…ENRAGES Deirdre, who used to run a mile to school each way.  Not because she was anxious not to be late, but because a creepy old dude in a Cowboy Hat in the back of a limo was following her.

“HEY, LITTLE GIRL…YOU WANT SOME ORGANIC CANDY?”

8:05:10 a.m. – STILL no word about the plane.  There’s something off the coast of Australia, according to the Satellite photos.  Yes, there is. It’s called Tasmania.

“Nina boula calabawa nanga tunapri mina kani” 

(THAT’S TASMANIAN FOR “I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE F&#% THE PLANE IS, EITHER”) 

8:12:24 a.m. – People are taking pictures of Dagen’s butt through the street level windows in the studio.  We assume they are using the Wide Angle Lens.  It’s better than when we were on the second floor.  Then they were taking ‘Upskirt’ Photos.

DAGEN THROUGH THE WINDOW.  YES, HER HEAD IS AS BIG AS HER BUTT. AND  THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT MAKES HER LOOK SO GOOD ON CAMERA

8:36:14 a.m. – “Vinnie From Queens”…Nat is spending a fortune on new Mets Gear to wear every week.  Today he sported a Jacket…he wanted to get a Phil Jackson Jersey, (A Rare Non- Mets attempt at Current Sports Relevance) but they didn’t come in his size.  He’s got no problem getting Mets uniform paraphernalia, however, as he can always find a ‘Bartolo Colon’ Jersey.

THAT’S NOT HIS NUMBER…THAT’S HIS NECK MEASUREMENT

8:40:14 a.m. – During Vinnie From Queens, Gunz reveals that he’s filled out SEVEN brackets.  SO FAR…who knows how many more he will complete before the deadline this afternoon?  Apparently, his Final Four Strategy is exactly the same as his Dating Strategy:  The Law of Averages.  Even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in awhile.  

THIS RODENT STANDS A BETTER CHANCE AT GETTING A DATE WITH A HOT CHICK…THAN GUNZ DOES.

9:05:10 A.M. – “Larry Flynt” makes a brief return to the program, and it’s clear he’s also had enough of Rob and Tony, taking exception to the way he’s being portrayed, much the same way as Mary Higgins Clark was offended.  In a million years, you’d never think Larry Flynt and Mary Higgins Clark would EVER be mentioned in the same sentence together, let alone sharing something in common…but such is Life’s Rich Tapestry.

ALTHOUGH THEY HAD SO MUCH IN COMMON, TRUE LOVE NEVER BLOSSOMED BETWEEN

THESE TWO SHIPS, PASSING IN THE NIGHT…WELL, ONE SHIP AND ONE ROLLING BARCALOUNGER

 

 AND FINALLY, IN AN ATTEMPT TO MAKE AMENDS FOR THE HIDEOUS JUDGMENT AND TASTE THAT WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR YESTERDAY’S ‘HUSTLER COVER’, WE HEREBY OFFER A SINCERE TRIBUTE TO THE BEAUTY OF MARY HIGGINS CLARK

THE LITERARY WORLD’S VERSION OF BOTTICELLI’S ‘VENUS’

 VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

WE THINK WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO FLIGHT 370

IT WAS ALL PROPHESIZED IN ‘AIRPORT ‘77’

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3JyEBM9ovk

 

Wednesday
Mar192014

Not Cool

6:05:10 a.m. – Warner Wolf is a superstar.  Seems that his name was a Trending Topic on Twitter yesterday, due to his fine reporting from the New York Knicks’ Press Conference, introducing Phil Jackson as the team’s new President.  Needless to say, he made quite an impression on the NBA Community.

 

6:06:12 a.m. –   Carol Higgins Clark is still the topic of discussion this morning, such was the impression she made on everybody yesterday.  The I-Man maintains that she was medicated.  As if that’s news.  We’re all medicated.  We start popping Valium, Xanax, and Klonopin, (Sometimes all three together)  the minute we wake up.  It’s our coping mechanism.  We realize that these are ‘Gateway Drugs’.  We would be on Heroin, but you can’t use cigarette lighters in the building or the smoke detectors will go off.

 CAN’T START THE DAY WITHOUT OUR ‘SPECIAL K’

6:30:01 a.m. – “Larry Flynt” is in the Green Room looking for Carol Higgins Clark.  This can’t be good.  Apparently, he wants to use her mother for a pictorial: ‘Girls of the Sarcophagus’.  It features women whose IUDs were made out of Papyrus.

6:40:46 a.m. –  David Berg is on to discuss his memoir, ‘Run Brother, Run, which is about the murder of his brother, by Woody Harrelson’s father.  It’s like a real life version of ‘True Detective’.  Except Woody Harrelson would be the guy who gets his murderer father off the hook.

A YOUNG WOODY HARRELSON’S FIRST ACTING HEADSHOT

7:05:15 a.m. –  Right after David Berg’s appearance, we realize that Woody Harrelson played Larry Flynt in the movie ‘The People Vs. Larry Flynt.’   Just another incredible coincidence.  Although they say there is no such thing as a coincidence. 

LARRY FLYNT.  MORE BELIEVABLE AS JUDGE MORRISSEY THAN WOODY WAS AS LARRY FLYNT

7:12:15 a.m. –  There’s a spirited discussion about Phil Jackson between Lou, Warner and the I-Man.  Mr. Wolf wants to give Knicks owner Jim Dolan credit for being a man and admitting that he doesn’t know what he’s doing.  Lou maintains that to act like he just discovered he didn’t know what he was doing is disingenuous.  He hasn’t known what he’s been doing for as long as he’s been president. 

HE MAY NOT KNOW WHAT HE’S DOING WITH BASKETBALL, BUT HE’S GOT IMPECCABLE FASHION SENSE, AS EVIDENCED BY THOSE SEVENTIES SIDEBURNS AND PORN STAR GOATEE

7:36:34 a.m. – ‘Blonde on Blonde’.  The ladies get into the Warner/Imus/Lou brouhaha.  It’s like watching Kim Kardashian try to have a conversation about String Theory with Neil Tyson DeGrasse.  “You mean like, what I use to put my pearls on?”   “Larry Flynt” claims to have nude photos of Lis from back when she did porn to pay her way through Harvard Law School.

LIS ON THE SET OF ONE OF HER PORN MOVIES:

“LEGAL BRIEFS: THE GIRL WHO WOULD NEVER OBJECT”

7:46:34 a.m. –  The topic of women being called ‘Bossy’ comes up.  And Lis gets pummeled like Jake LaMotta in his last fight against Sugar Ray Robinson.  

“HEY DEIRDRE…I NEVER WENT DOWN, MAN!  YOU NEVER GOT ME DOWN, DEIRDRE!  YOU HEAR ME, YOU NEVER GOT ME DOWN!”

8:05:10 a.m. – There is some ‘Behind the Scenes’ discussion about Greg Gutfeld’s (the upcoming 830 guest) disappearance from the O’Reilly Factor.  Bernard seems either unable or unwilling to give up the details about the absence.  Lis accuses the I-Man of trying to ‘Foment unrest’ among people.  He says he has an antenna that lets him know when someone is evading a question that they know more than he’s being told.  If only that antenna would make him hear better.

THE I-MAN’S ANTENNA IS UP AS HE CUES LOU TO GO TO BREAK

8:20:24 a.m. –  Warner reports that at Chase Field, the Arizona Diamondbacks Stadium, they are offering a 25 dollar corn dog.  It’s 18 inches long, is stuffed with cheddar cheese, jalapeno and bacon and comes with a side of fries.  The I-Man asks Dagen what she thinks about it, but she replies that she “Stopped listening after 18 inches.”

INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH, THE ‘D-BAT’ IS ALSO A VERY POPULAR ITEM ON FIRE ISLAND

8:26:14 a.m. – Greg Gutfeld has Iggy Pop on his Musical Mt. Rushmore.  According to the I-Man, “Greg either doesn’t understand what the concept of the Musical Mt. Rushmore is, or…he just doesn’t care.”

MAYBE MR. GUTFELD THINKS IGGY ALREADY LOOKS ‘ROCKY’ ENOUGH TO BE UP ON

MT. RUSHMORE

8:40:14 a.m. – Greg Gutfeld, panelist on ‘The Five’ and host of ‘Red Eye’ on Fox is the guest, promoting his new book, NOT COOL: THE HIPSTER ELITE AND THEIR WAR ON YOU”  Great title for a book, not a great title to put your face under, if the first thing you see when you look at the cover is your picture, your name, and the words ‘Not Cool’.  People might think it’s an autobiography. 

9:05:10 A.M. –  Just in case you were wondering, the plane has still not been found.  “Larry Flynt” has a theory.  “It’s hiding in Madonna’s Vagina.  It’s not the first time she’s had a bunch of Malaysians inside her.”

“HEY!  ARE YOU GUYS OKAY?  IS THE PILOT WITH YOU?”

VIDEO OF THE DAY : 

A scene from ‘Raging Bull’ that somewhat approximates what went on during ‘Blonde on Blonde’ this morning.

  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4SWbEC7EJk