Inside Imus Control Center

Rob & Tony's

Behind the Scenes Blog

-Wednesday, April 16-0 Comments
-Wednesday, April 16-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man asks Warner if he watches Sports Center. Ironically, our legendary Sportscaster is not a big fan of Sports Shows. He answers that he does, sometimes, but not the ...
-Tuesday, April 15-0 Comments
-Tuesday, April 15-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – Imus has had an epiphany when it comes to ‘It Might Be Elvis’. He has decided that HE will now pick the songs, and the panel will all make suggestions as to whic ...
-Monday, April 14-0 Comments
-Monday, April 14-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – The Knicks are officially ‘Out of It’ and between that, and Wyatt winning nearly a THOUSAND DOLLARS at the Ultimate Roping in Montgomery, Texas, the I-Man ...

Imus Ranch Foods

 

Recent Guests:
    Tuesday
    Nov122013

    Warner Was Right!

    6:05:43 a.m. – Delbert and Glen and the band are here this morning, and, according to the I-Man, neither Delbert nor anybody in the band, not even Wendy, Delbert’s lovely wife, seemed all that happy to see him.  The only one who stood to shake his hand and say ‘Hi’ was Glen…and Imus isn’t all that crazy about him.  It figures, the one person who actually likes the Boss…and the I-Man has no use for him.

    FUNNY…ONLY THE GUY IN THE FUNNY HAT WAS HAPPY TO SEE THE I-MAN

    6:09:22 a.m. – In polite, public discourse, etiquette dictates that people say “How are you doing?” when they meet a friend who they know is ill.  Except not one person does with the I-Man.  Because he’ll actually tell them.  Nobody has that much free time.  We have learned not even to say ‘Hello’ to him…we have resorted to… “What’s wrong with you now?”

    SOME QUESTIONS JUST SHOULDN’T BE ASKED

    6:15:49 a.m. –  Surely a sign of the impending Apocalypse…Warner was RIGHT!  He took the Bucs.  He says he’s 100 imaginary dollars ahead.  Actually, he’s just even, as there was a point spread tie over the weekend, and there has been many a man hung over a balcony by his ankles because “Ties count as a loss.”

    MICHAEL JACKSON WASN’T PLAYING WHEN HE TOLD HIS INFANT SON, BLANKET,   ‘I WANT MY MONEY, BITCH’.  (BECAUSE HE’S ‘BAD’)

    6:27:43 a.m. – Delbert and Glen sing  ‘I ain’t old, but I been around a long time.’  We smell a new Imus in the Morning theme song…

    METHUSELAH.  HE WAS AROUND A LONG TIME TOO

    6:40:43 a.m. – Roxanne Donovan, on the Board of Directors of ‘Joan’s Legacy, United Against Lung Cancer’ is on to promote the “Blues and News” fundraiser this Thursday night, featuring Delbert McClinton, Glen Clark and the band.  There will be a silent auction that will include an item of particular interest: The opportunity to have a character named after you in a Stephen King novel.  The I-Man would bid on it, but he’s already BEEN in a Stephen King novel.  The title character in King’s story about an evil, rabid dog:  Cujo

    THE I-MAN’S FILM DEBUT

    7:01:06 a.m. –  Dr. Bill reports that we will have rain and wet snow today.  “Rain or Snow?”  the I-Man demands to know.  “Rain…wet snow…close enough.”  Not exactly ‘Accu-Weather’.  Where’s the Doppler Radar, Mr. Weatherbee?  Close enough?  That may be okay for hand grenades and horseshoes…but not a meteorological event.

    “THERE WILL BE A MIX OF RAIN AND WET SN…AH, F#$% IT, LOOK OUT YOUR F#$% ING WINDOW.”

    7:03:43 a.m. – During the local news break, Connell reports on Yellow Dog, an Iranian Band that ‘Broke Up’, according to the I-Man, by way of murder/suicide.  And people hate Yoko Ono…and all she did was break up the Beatles, not shoot them to death.  Rob ruminates on the event, unaware his microphone is on.  “Well, at least there won’t be any reunion tour.”   No, Rob, there won’t be…unless you count the one in Hell.   

    THE WELCOMING COMMITTEE IN ROCK N’ ROLL HELL

    7:15:43 a.m. – “I just got an eMail from Kevin Magee about my hat.”  Apparently, our TV Boss here at Fox Business would like the I-Man to push his hat back so the audience can see his face.  Does Mr. Magee want to run the risk of Trauma Lawsuits?  “No, I’m not going to push my hat back…I’m not Dale Evans.”  Well, that’s what you would technically call a “Distinction without a Difference”.

    ULTIMATELY, THE I-MAN DECIDED TO GO WITHOUT THE HAT

    7:40:38 a.m. – Author James Swanson is on with his new book, End of Days: The Assassination of John F. Kennedy.  The I-Man makes the observation to Mr. Swanson that  he looks like the kind of person that you might find when you pick up the paper and read that he had murdered everybody in the town. 

    “HE ALWAYS LOOKED FINE TO US.  QUIET.  KEPT TO HIMSELF.  WE NEVER THOUGHT HE HAD SO MANY BODIES BURIED IN HIS BACK YARD.  WE JUST THOUGHT HE WAS LAYING SOD.”

    8:05:46 a.m. –  We get the disturbing news that Jenna Jameson is getting back into Porn.  Why ‘disturbing’?  Have you seen her lately?  As many times as we’ve enjoyed the ‘Trains’ going in and out of that ‘Tunnel’, that particular ‘Train’ has left the station.  She’s now,  a virtual  ‘Train Wreck’.    Holy God. 

    JENNA JAMESON:  NOTHING A LITTLE MAKEUP…OKAY, A LOT  OF MAKEUP… COULDN’T FIX

    8:17:11 a.m. – Imus reports that California has proposed a new law that would require Porn Stars to use condoms AND protective Eye Wear when shooting Adult Films.  In a related story, Vivid Pictures has bought a bunch of goggles with blackened out lenses for the actors shooting scenes with Jenna Jameson.

    “HEY, WHERE IS SHE?  I WANT TO MEET HER…HEY!  I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING WITH THESE ON!  OH.  RIGHT.  THAT’S THE POINT.”

    8:40:27 a.m. – Delbert and Glen entertain again.  Two more tunes, “I Said Yes When I Oughta Know” and “Peace in the Valley”.  Imus makes the observation that Delbert still sounds amazing, despite the fact that he’s the same age as he is.  We would like to make the observation that Imus also still sounds amazing.  When he’s not coughing, wheezing or complaining about the nodule on his vocal cords. 

    DELBERT AND HIS GRANDFA…UM…THE I-MAN

    9:05:37 a.m. – Connell reports on the controversy over the size of The World Trade Center Tower in NYC, and the Willis Tower in Chicago.  Apparently, both cities are waiting on a ruling from The Height Committee of the Council on Tall Buildings and Urban Habitat.  (Your Tax Dollars…At Work!)  Chicago claims theirs is bigger, because you shouldn’t count the needle on the Trade Center Tower.  It’s the same old story.  Two sides, debating over who has the longest ‘needle’.  Considering how cold Chicago is, it’s probably bigger…if you count ‘shrinkage’.     

    “UM…I’M SORRY…THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.  USUALLY, I’M A FULL 110 STORIES…I’M JUST UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE AT WORK.”

    9:13:12 a.m. –   There’s a story about Karl Rove and the I-Man mentions that he has frequently mistaken Rove for Dick Morris…and then relates that neither man will appear on the program.  He’s especially perturbed at Morris’ refusal to be a guest, considering we offered to have a dog collar and a hooker available for him.

    DICK MORRIS ENJOYING A LITTLE ‘DOWN BOY’ TIME

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    When the I-Man thinks ‘Goggles’…he doesn’t think ‘Porn’…

    …He thinks ‘Rocky and Bullwinkle’.

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWjRgzFeE_8 

    Monday
    Nov112013

    It's Warner Wolf's Birthday!

    (In Military Time, In Honor of Veteran’s Day)

    06:05:12- Saturday night, the I-Man fell, and couldn’t get up.  Cue the ‘Life-Alert’ commercial.   Apparently, he tripped over his oxygen hose and hurt his ribs.  Wow.  In the 70’s he was falling down because he was drunk.  The times, they are a changing.  He said he can’t take his pain pills, because then food will fall out of his mouth.   Something that we like to call   “Dress Rehearsal”.

    THE I-MAN DOES A PSA FOR AN IMPORTANT SAFETY ITEM

    06:17:34 – Warner bemoans the performance of J.R. Smith at the Knicks game, (read ‘blowout’) last night, going 1 for 9.  He says when asked about his poor shooting average, Smith replied:  “Where’s my weed?”  Oh, that wacky Warner.  He apologizes to the I-Man, knowing the I-Man can’t laugh because his ribs are hurting.  Oh, that’s okay, Warner.  We’re good.

    WE DIDN’T KNOW BOB MARLEY PLAYED HOOPS

    06:25:13 -  The I-Man visited with his In-Laws on Saturday, and was left by Deirdre and Wyatt and Deirdre’s Mom, and forced to engage in ‘small talk’ with his Father in Law, Jim, and his Brother in Law, Keith.  You all know how much I-Man loves engaging in small talk with ANYBODY, let alone his In-Laws…when it’s about ‘Obamacare’.   Keith, apparently, is a big fan of the show…he wants to know if the I-Man is still broadcasting from his office.  Um…yes.  And Charles and Larry and Al Rosenberg.

    AL ROSENBERG.  KEITH LOVES HIS ‘MR. T’

    07:05:12 – IT’S WARNER WOLF’S BIRTHDAY!!!!  HAPPY BI-CENTENNIAL, BRO!  And we never knew that your birthday was a National Holiday!  All the schools are closed!

    HE DOESN’T LOOK A DAY OVER 89 

    07:07:46 – Warner shares with us some birthday coincidences.  He was born on Veteran’s Day.  Father Wolf was born on the 4th of July, Mama Wolf was born on Memorial Day, and they got married on Thanksgiving.  Wow.  And did you know, Jesus was born on Christmas?  Freaky, right?

    FUN FACT:  3000 ATTENDED THE PARTY AND THEY DIDN’T RUN OUT OF CAKE…(OR WINE)

    07:17:15 -   We decide that it’s time for the I-Man to get a Little Rascal Scooter. 

    “HEY DEIRDRE! I’M GOING TO THE MAILBOX TO SEE IF THE STAIR LIFT BROCHURE CAME IN”

    07:40:37 – Imogen Lloyd Weber is on.  Imus informs her that he fell down.  “My grandmother falls down.”  Ah, that biting British Humor.

    NOT IMOGEN LLOYD WEBER’S GRAND MUM.  IT’S ACTUALLY IMUS TRYING TO TAKE A BATH

    08:05:22 –  Carley is out today, in Chicago, no doubt helping her fiancée, Pete overcome his deep depression over Michigan’s loss to Nebraska.  NEBRASKA?  We hope she took away his belt and shoelaces.  Filling in for her is the lovely Allie.  The I-Man asks, “Where did we get YOU from?”  “I’ve been working for you for the past 6 months.”  “Oh.  Well.  You’re doing a fabulous job.”  He wonders where she was this morning to accompany him to the studio as Carley does every morning.  He reveals that he does not know how to get to the studio.  We’ve only been here since 2008.  You can’t expect him to know everything. 

    HE COULDN’T FIND THIS IF BRANT DIDN’T DROP HIM AT THE CURB

    08:07:13 –  The Boss receives a text from Deirdre, who, apparently, was not aware that Imus had also torn a muscle in addition to bruising his ribs.  Deirdre, of course, gives him the nurturing, sympathetic, caring response you would expect from her: “You’re not an athlete”.   In a related story, water is wet.

    AN ACTUAL XRAY OF THE TORN SHOULDER MUSCLE.  (THE WORDS HAPPEN TO BE TATTOOS)

    08:10:55 –  Warner relates an anecdote about the first time he met the I-Man.  It was at one of the legendary Imus Stand Up gigs in 1976.  He was taken as a guest of Mike Lynne, and driven there in Imus’ ‘Psychedelic Van’, (You know, the one with the stained glass windows…it was a Rev. Hargus deal)  Let’s get one thing straight, Warner.  You let the Old Drunk Cowboy DRIVE?

    THEY WERE EITHER GOING TO SEE A SHOW…OR HELP SCOOBY DOO SOLVE A MYSTERY

    08:20:19 –  “We need to hurry up so we can get on Doris Kearns Goodwin.  Well, not ‘Get On.’  Although the girl does like to party.  We’ve seen her fantasize about Lincoln…she’s tied up…and calls to him, ‘Emancipate me, you stove pipe hat wearing mother f%$#er!”

    “OH DORISSS…I’M WAITING…FOR FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN MINUTES”

    08:35:19 –  Doris is on to promote her new book, ‘The Bully Pulpit’ , about Theodore Roosevelt and William Howard Taft.  Who would’ve thought a book like that would be interesting, let alone one you absolutely can NOT put down, and want to read as slowly as possible because you don’t want it to end?  Doris Kearns Goodwin, obviously. That’s why she wrote it.  She wants another Pulitzer to balance the other one she’s got…use them as bookends.  We have not seen Doris in quite some time…she’s been our ‘Drinking Buddy’ on many of our Boston Remotes.  Ol’ Doris do like a cocktail every now and then…and by now and then, we mean every three minutes. 

    “WANT ME TO SHOW YOU MY LINCOLN TATTOO?  I’LL GIVE YOU A HINT WHERE IT IS: I DIDN’T NEED TO HAVE THEM INK A BEARD.”

    09:05:19 –  It is Sandy Helm’s Birthday today as well.  Sandy, of course, the wife of the late, great, Levon Helm.  She discussed the fact that she and Warner have the same Birthdays, when she met him at ‘Imus at Night’ , at a broadcast from The Mohegan Sun Resort and Casino.  Warner, unfortunately, does not remember the incident.  We think it’s ‘Feed’.  He’s clearly hiding something.  Let’s go to the video tape…

     YOU CAN’T DENY THE PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE:  HERE WE CAN CLEARLY SEE WARNER PUTTING THE MOVES ON SANDY…RIGHT IN FRONT OF LEVON!

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN HONOR OF THE BIRTHDAY BOY, WARNER WOLF, WE PRESENT A CARTOON HE MADE BACK IN THE 70’S.

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIezIhi9JNc

     

    Friday
    Nov082013

    Happy Birthday Bigfoot!

    6:05:00 –  The I-Man has to unload the dump truck full of stuff he has on his mind.  He can’t retire any time soon, because he has no one to talk to.  Really?  Deirdre doesn’t patiently listen to everything he has to say?  And weigh in, from time to time, with supportive observations and pithy comments?  Oh.  Okay.

    WOW.  YOU HAVE AN AWFUL LOT ON YOUR MIND, I-MAN

    6:09:12 –  Imus receives an email from Kevin Magee, stating that he thought the Boss was a little hard on Carley yesterday with his ‘Pep Talk’.  He says he wasn’t totally serious.  Okay.  Well then, what percentage WAS he serious?  Carley says she forgives him.  He says he hasn’t apologized.  But he’s not totally serious about that.

    THE I-MAN’S STANDARD APOLOGY FORM

    6:23:17 – I-Man talks retirement.  Um…didn’t he say that he couldn’t retire because…?   We know better than to ask questions.  Besides…we really can’t picture him sitting on the couch in his new Texas Mansion, with Deirdre hanging on his every word…

    THE BOSS ON HIS HOG…ENJOYING RETIREMENT WITH HIS NURSE

    6:40:45 –The I-Man and Bill Hemmer discuss the 50th Anniversary of the Kennedy Assassination.  Someday, we will all remember where we were when we first heard them talk about this.

    “ASK NOT WHAT BILL HEMMER CAN DO FOR YOU…ASK WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR BILL HEMMER”

    7:09:55 –  Imus, still with ‘JFK Fever’, mentions that Esther ‘Lobster’ Newberg, his literary agent…should have ‘Been in the car’ instead of Mary Jo Kopeckne.  Apparently, it wasn’t enough that she was one of Ted Kennedy’s ‘Boiler Room Girls’.  He wanted her to be one of ‘Davey Jones Locker Girls’.   Well, with a name like ‘Lobster’…

    “NOW, BEFORE MY BROTHER DRIVES ANYBODY HOME, I WANT YOU LADIES TO REMEMBER TO PUT THOSE LIFE PRESERVERS IN THE CAR”

    7:15:18 –  The Boss reacts to Sarah Palin’s speech at the Billy Graham Birthday Celebration: “Is there any way that she could be put to sleep?  If they put a bunch of scientist together to assemble the dumbest person in the world…they couldn’t make one more stupid than her.”  An uncharacteristically measured response from the I-Man. 

    SARAH PALIN.  NOT GOING TO ‘FINAL JEOPARDY’ ANY TIME SOON

    7:40:11 – “Vinnie From Queens’ the new sports segment, with Tony Powell, Warner Wolf, Gunz Gunzelman and Lou Rufino debuts.  This from the wonderful folks who gave you ‘Blonde on Blonde’ and the ‘Mensa Meeting’.  This new feature is similar to those two panels…except with about 600 more IQ points.

    GUNZ, TONY, WARNER AND LOU.  JES’ TALKIN’ SPORTS, Y’ALL

    8:05:27 – Last night, Deirdre went from watching the Reverend Billy Graham on television, to ‘Sleeping With The Devil’.   But to be fair, she really isn’t as much like Satan as the I-Man would make her out to be (you thought we were calling the Boss the Devil…well, Deirdre don’t sign our paychecks)  although the girl do need to take a chill pill.  An organic one, of course.

    DEIRDRE, JUST AFTER SUCKING THE JOY OUT OF ANOTHER SWEET MOMENT

    8:15:43 -  “We’re having dinner with Esther Newberg at Promola, but only because it’s entertainment for Wyatt.  He likes to watch her get drunk.  And he missed out on the 80’s.  He would’ve REALLY had fun watching what went on back then.

    “HEY, LISHEN, MISH KITTY CAT…YOU GOTTA LET ME IN…I LOSHT MY KEY…HEY!  C’MON, I FELL DOWN OUT HERE!  I GOTTA COME INSHIDE…I THINK I BROKE A HIP…HEY!  LISHEN…YOU STUPID F&^%$ING CAT!  I’M SHERIOUS…HEY!  HEY..Y’KNOW, YOU NEVER LOVED ME…NOBODY EVER LOVED ME.  I’M AN OLD WOMAN AND I’M ALL ALONE AND NOBODY LOVES ME.   YOU DON’T KNOW ME…NOBODY KNOWS ME…AHH F&^%$ IT…I’M GOING BACK TO THE BAR.”

    8:25:36 -   The I-Man creates a new entity out of Dagen and Connell.  ‘Dagel’.  Which is either an amalgam of our friends McShane and McDowell, or a hybrid of a Donut and a Bagel.   It’s similar to the ‘Cronut’, the cross between a Donut and a Croissant.  Rob makes Dagels every morning back in the Green Room.  And you can too!  Toast a Bagel and then place a Bavarian Cream donut between the slices.  Enjoy.

    A ‘DAGEL’

    8:40:17  - Arthur Aidala, the superstar attorney is on to discuss the Oregon Doctor case, and Richie Incognito, who he inadvertently compares to the I-Man.  Everybody knows that The Boss more resembles The Oregon Doctor.  Because we think he could be pushed to…well, the Brink.  Although, he would have to catch his breath first.  Nothing worse than chasing after your old lady with a bottle full of painkillers and having to stop every two feet.

    “HEY DEIRDRE…SLOW DOWN…I HAVE TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING…I’M SERIOUS, DAMMIT!   SLOW DOWN SO I CAN KILL YOU…JESUS, I CAN’T BREATHE!”

    8:55:22 -   It’s Bigfoot’s Birthday.   At least we think it is.  Nobody really knows how old he is.  All we have is some shaky video from the 60’s. 

    TOM BOWMAN’S BABY PICTURE  (WE THINK)

    9:05:18  - The I-Man compliments Warner on having such a good sense of humor about himself during the ‘Vinnie From Queens’ segment.   “My Father used to say, if you can’t laugh at yourself, you have no reason to laugh at anybody else.”  Wow. That’s deep.  As deep as a puddle of dog pee.  It’s bad enough we have to endure the ‘bon mots’ during Warners 35 minute Sports reports twice an hour, now we have to listen to words of wisdom from the addled, crazy old coot he calls a Dad.  Thanks Warner.  And thanks, Pops.  Time to go back to the home now.

    DEEP THOUGHTS BY MR. WOLF SENIOR:

     “YOU KNOW, IF YOU GO TO BED EARLY, AND GET UP LATE…YOU’LL GET A LOT OF SLEEP.  YOU WILL ALWAYS GET MORE SOUP OUT OF TWO CANS THAN ONE.  .  YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER, BUT YOU CAN’T MAKE HIM DO THE BREAST STROKE.  HEY!  DID YOU KNOW I’M NOT WEARING ANY PANTS?”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    JOIN US IN WISHING TOM BOWMAN A VERY HAPPY 50TH BIRTHDAY.

    MANY HAPPY RETURNS, BIGFOOT, MAY THE BEST OF LAST YEAR BE THE WORST OF THE COMING YEAR.  

    WE ARE DEEPLY SORRY FOR ALL THE PRANKS WE PLAYED ON YOU OVER THE PAST FEW MONTHS

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8W9U0qhLz8

    Thursday
    Nov072013

    Sick Again

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   The I-Man is sicker than SEVEN dogs this morning.  He started at nine, went up to the Spinal Tap-esque eleven, and is now down to a manageable seven.   No antibiotic wonder drugs were involved…just a daily dose of Alpo.

    NO NEED TO GO BACK TO THE VET.  THE I-MAN’S NOSE IS STARTING TO GET MOIST AGAIN

    6:14:56 a.m. –  The I-Man comments on last night’s CMAs:  “Florida Georgia line are the products of people whose parents were related by more than just marriage.” 

    TYLER HUBBARD OF ‘FLORIDA GEORGIA LINE’

    “PLAY THAT BANJO, SON!  THANKS BROTHER…I MEAN, DAD.”

    6:15:12 a.m. –  61 Year Old George Strait won the Artist of the Year last night, and believes that we’re waiting with bated breath for his next project.  Unless it’s sitting in a wheelchair with oatmeal dripping on his chest…we really don’t care.

    GEORGE STRAIT.  WHERE’S THE DROOL CUP?

    6:25:34 a.m. – My Pillow has now introduced a ‘Mattress Topper’…which means, of course, the I-Man will have to hump THIS thing now.   We hope, for Deirdre’s sake, that it’s waterproof.

    WE’LL HAVE TO ASK MICHAEL LINDELL IF THE NEW

    MY PILLOW® MATTRESS TOPPER COMES IN RUBBER

    6:40:28 a.m. –  Author David Shoemaker is on to hump his new book Squared Circle about the world of Professional Wrestling.  Imus, along with the rest of his listening and viewing audience is curious… ‘How the hell did he get on the program?’   The I-Man happens to be a HUGE Wrestling Fan.   Ever since the First Olympics.

    WAIT A SECOND!  HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE ME TO DINNER FIRST?

    7:02:22 a.m. –  Scott Salotto reports that the Rockefeller Christmas Tree is being cut this morning up in Shelton, Connecticut.  Imus says he hopes it catches fire.  Or, at the very least, fall into the skating rink onto a bunch of unwitting Kansas Tourists.   His animus for the Tannebaum goes way back to his days at NBC when the tree would take up the area that he usually would use to park his limo.  The celebration of the birth of our Lord is a source of irritation for the I-Man because he had to walk an extra 25 feet  to get into the building.  Get over yourself.  The boy was born in a barn, and they done kilt him…over there by the railroad depot.  I told the boy… ‘Don’t you go downtown…messin’ with them Jews unless you got some money in your pocket!’   At least that’s the way Richard Pryor tells it.

    RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!  THAT OLD COWBOY JUST SET THE TREE ON FIRE!

    7:11:36 a.m. –  The I-Man attempts to donate to Kinky Friedman’s Political Campaign at TexasForKinky.com.   He pledges 1000 dollars.   At least we hope that’s all he sent.  We’re not sure where the decimal point landed.  He’s not that great at typing.  Kinky will either have a head start in his campaign for Texas Agriculture Commissioner, or enough money to drop out of society, head for Fiji, and lose the Boss’s number.   Imus asks the Kinkster what the donation will get him.  “Nothing” comes the honest, Old School, Harry Truman Democrat answer.  We try to make the same donation online back in the Green Room, however  we neglect to put the ‘For’ in the Web Address.  We are directed to ‘Texas Kinky’.  Where, by the way, you can get QUITE A BIT for your 1000 dollars. 

    ONE OF THE THINGS AVAILABLE ON ‘TEXASKINKY.COM’

    7:40:19 a.m. –  Mensa Meeting.  Deirdre is offended by Imus and Bernie’s obsession with Hannah Storm.  He says that, just yesterday, she was ‘Perving on Movie Stars’.  We don’t think having sex with Superman is exactly the same as drooling over the hot ESPN Sportscaster, but we have, ourselves, fantasized about having X-Ray vision every time Ms. Storm hits the screen, just so we could see what color underwear she has on.

    UM…LOOKS LIKE HANNAH’S GOT A ‘SUPER WEDGIE’

    8:05:33 a.m. –   Connell reports that there is a 95th Birthday Celebration for the Reverend Billy Graham in North Carolina today, an event with a guest list that includes Former President Bill Clinton, Sarah Palin and Donald Trump.  The Rev was one of the I-Man’s boyhood idols along with Lenny Bruce, who, it should be noted, had an entirely DIFFERENT take on Jesus.  Imus wonders aloud if ol’ Rev. Graham is still ‘there’, or whether they’re going to wheel him into the party like a Zucchini.   We couldn’t disagree more.  He much more resembles a Spaghetti Squash.

    BUT HERE’S THE GOOD NEWS, REV. :  YOU’LL BE SEEING JESUS

    …ANY MINUTE NOW

    8:40:12a.m. –   Hannah Storm from ESPN is on to discuss the Richie Incognito scandal. We didn’t hear a word she said. 

    UM…WHAT DID SHE SAY?  RICHIE WHO?  ICOGNITO?  WHY WOULD SHE HIDE WHEN SHE LOOKS LIKE THAT GOOD?

    8:55:47 a.m. –  It’s Carley’s birthday.  We have been sending her good wishes all morning.  She is going to Chicago to celebrate with her fiancée, Pete this weekend.  We can only hope he’s not throwing her party Saturday afternoon, in the bar where he watches the Michigan Football games.

    PETE ARRANGED FOR A CUSTOM BIRTHDAY CAKE FOR CARLEY

    9:05:29 a.m. – Carley informs the I-Man that she will not be in on Monday.  He takes this news in his usual measured, calm, understanding way.  He doesn’t understand why she needs any more time off when he gets 8 weeks of vacation a year, and she should take off when he does.  Except she doesn’t take off when he does.  Therein lies the problem.  He threatens to fire her if she is not here on Monday.  But he doesn’t mean it.   Mornings without Carley would be like Breakfast without…pork rinds.   (That’s what we eat, anyway…it’s the cornerstone of every nutritious breakfast)

    CARLEY READS A VIEWER EMAIL SENT BY ‘MIKE HUNT’.  WE KNOW SHE WROTE IT.   BUT WE’RE NOT TELLING ANYBODY.

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A CHRISTMAS SCENE THAT ECHOES THE I-MAN’S SENTIMENTS ABOUT THE ROCKEFELLER CENTER CHRISTMAS TREE

    COURTESY OF ‘NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION’

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_vFAs3UGWw

     

    Wednesday
    Nov062013

    Mary and the Bahres

    6:05:00 a.m.  –   The I-Man is here today, despite the fact that he’s ‘Sicker than 11 dogs…which is up from 9 Canines on Monday, even though it got to 57 towards the end of the program.  We think those were probably Yorkies and Poodles.  The 11 today are Great Pyrenees.  That’s a BIG ASS dog.   The only reason he is here is because he loves Stuart Varney, Neil Cavuto and the Blondes.  So he’s the one.  Who likes Stuart Varney, that is.

    THE BOSS GOT OUT OF BED…FOR THIS?

    6:14:56 a.m. – Lots to talk about today, but the story that appears to trump all others is the Toronto ‘Crack’ Mayor, who said the only reason he smoked the rock was because he was ‘In a drunken stupor’.   In a related story, the only reason he was in a drunken stupor was because he was ‘High on Crack’.

    MAYBE HE SHOULD TRY ‘CRACK LITE’ IT’S A THIRD LESS ‘FILLING’

    6:15:12 a.m. –  Imus talks about the Richie Incognito situation.  (And by the way, what name does he use when he’s…you know…incognito?)  Miami Coach, (And Bernard McGuirk LookAlike) Joe Philbin has a weak excuse as to why the player abuse took place.  “Joe Philbin is the Terry McCauliffe of Football”   For those not familiar with Terry McCauliffe, he’s the OJ Simpson of Governors.  Therefore…Joe Philbin is only one White Bronco, a dirty glove and bloody glove away from being OJ Simpson.  Which then, of course, makes Richie Incognito Kato Kaelin.

    IF INCOGNITO IS A S#8%, YOU MUST ACQUIT…

    6:25:34 a.m. –  Bernard (The Joe Philbin Lookalike) has a tragic story about an 86 year old lady, Joy Johnson, who ran the marathon this past Sunday, and died later that afternoon in her sleep.  Of course, she had been interviewed by Al Roker as she crossed the finish line. We hope you’re happy Al.  You killed that poor woman.  J’accuse!

    MARATHON RUNNER MURDERER…  AND HE POOPED HIS PANTS.

    6:40:28 a.m. –  Stuart Varney is on.  Imus asks him if he’s a citizen.  He is not.  Not of the United States, at least.   He is a proud member of the British Empire.   We would just like to offer the following:  One if by land…two if by sea, okay?  Battle of Saratoga.  Battle of Yorktown.  Need we continue?  You’re pretty lippy about the United States for a Redcoat.

    “FOMEBODY FHOULD TELL THAT FTUART GUY TO FURRENDER”

    (CHECK OUT THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE TO GET THAT JOKE)

    7:05:22 a.m. –  Imus makes the observation that ever since he and Dagen addressed how the women on ESPN dress, they have taken their fashion advice.  They are wearing solids and no prints.  The men, however, need to size up their sartorial sense…their choice of shirt and tie combinations are awful.  Maybe they should consider wearing solid dresses.

    THE DUDES ON ESPN SHOULD CONSIDER GOING IN DRAG.  IT OBVIOUSLY IS WORKING FOR MATT LAUER

    7:11:36 a.m. – Imus saw Gerri Willis downstairs without her makeup, and maintains that she looks better that way rather than “All painted up like Dolly Parton”.   We saw Dolly Parton without makeup.  She looks like Gerri Willis WITH makeup.

    GERRI AND DOLLY: SEPARATED AT BIRTH (IS DOLLY DOING KABUKI?)

    7:15:44 a.m. – The I-Man equivocates the Obamacare problems with those he is experiencing with…Hallak Cleaners.  Apparently, the inability of millions of Americans to procure Health Insurance is tantamount to the Boss being unable to get enough starch in his jeans.   He wants them to stand up in a corner by themselves so he can “Jump into them in the morning.”  This is a man who can’t walk up a flight of stairs without pulmonary resuscitation, and he’s going to be ‘Jumping’ into something? 

    THE I-MAN’S EMPTY JEANS…(ALTHOUGH, ACCORDING TO DEIRDRE, THEY’RE EMPTY EVEN WHEN HE’S IN THEM)

    7:40:19 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde.  A spirited game of KFM, (Kill, F#@&, Marry) is played.  We learn that between Batman, Superman and Iron Man, Lis would marry Batman.  Probably because she wouldn’t mind living in a cave.   Deirdre, meanwhile, would Marry Iron Man.   Of course, we could’ve predicted that.  She’s already married to Iron LUNG Man.   They both say they would ‘F’ Superman.  Which, would be somewhat of a problem, as Superman, in the throes of passion, would probably do them some harm.  The ‘Super Friction’ could cause a small ‘Brush Fire’.  So to speak.

    ALTHOUGH, TO HEAR A DISAPPOINTED LOIS LANE TELL IT, OL’ SUPE REALLY IS   “FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET” (AND WHERE’S THE ‘SUPER BULGE’?  IT’S EITHER COLD IN THE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE…OR LEX LUTHOR SHOVED SOME KRYPTONITE DOWN HIS PANTS)

    8:05:33 a.m. –  Imus wishes Delbert McClinton a Happy Birthday.  Unfortunately, it was two days ago. Delbert now joins the rarified air of ‘Favorite People Of The I-Man’s Birthday Club’, along with Joe Beaver and Lyle Lovett.  Mike Lupica has been sending The Boss reminders…essentially becoming the Geico Camel.  “You know what day May 11th is?  Do you know what day May 11th is?”   He will be 62 this coming May 11th.  We will, no doubt, be providing good Birthday Wishes, sometime around the Fourth of July.

    LUPICA, (MAY 11TH) AND ELMORE LEONARD (NO MORE BIRTHDAYS)

    8:05:12 a.m. – Imus gives another ‘Shout Out’ to the Bahre Family in New Hampshire for their 100 thousand dollar Ranch donation, as well as the dude who he bought his new Texas property from, who also sent a check for 100 Large.  But he makes special note of his new ‘Phone Buddy’, Mary, from Florida, who is in her late 70’s wrote the I-Man a letter, praising the character of Wyatt Imus, who is, indeed, an EXTRAORDINARY young man.  She also sent a 25 dollar donation, as she is on a fixed income, however, as the Boss has always said…those donations add up to millions.  We are touched by Mary’s generosity, humanity and heart.  But the last thing the girl needs is Beelzebub in the Morning calling her on the telephone.  Mary.  Listen to us.  Next time the Cranky Cowboy calls, we have three words for you to tell him.  “Lose my number”. 

    “WHO IS THIS?  ANUS?  ANUS WHO?  OH.  IMUS.  UM…LISTEN, I HAVE TO GO.  NO REALLY. I HAVE TO GO…FORGET IT.  I JUST WENT.”

    8:15:12a.m. –   Carmelo Anthony has stated that his 10-28 shooting average last night put him “In a Dark Place.”  Boy, that ‘Dark Place’ must be crowded.  Because Pete, Carley’s fiancée, has been there since Saturday’s embarrassing loss by Michigan to Michigan State.  Maybe somebody should send them a flashlight.  So they can shine it on themselves and see what LOSERS really look like.

    CARMELO ANTHONY: “PETE…IT’S ALL IN YOUR MIND, BRO.”

    8:40:47 a.m. –  The GREAT Neil Cavuto is on to discuss Obama Care, and he goes out on a limb to say that it’s a fiasco.  But not as much of one as The I-Man’s Starch problem at Hallak’s.  A very fine establishment that would probably welcome your thoughts on the matter: 212-832-0750.      

    “HEY…WHERE’S THE I-MAN’S F#@%ING STARCH?”

    9:05:29 a.m. –  The I-Man takes the Lord’s name in vain.  He just wants to know if there are any basketball games on tonight.  Warner says “None that you want to see,” forgetting a crucial fact:  Imus has resorted to watching them Weigh Fish on ‘Bassmasters,’ that’s how hard up he was for a televised sporting event.   “G-d Dammit, Warner…who’s playing?”  Warner didn’t want to mention the Pacers and the Bulls tonight in Indianapolis.  The two best teams in the East are facing off early in the season…yet Warner didn’t think that game was significant enough.  Warner didn’t think Ali/Frasier was going to be a big deal either.

    THINK FAST, CARLOS!  WARNER JUST THREW THE BALL TO YOU!

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM RICHIE INCOGNITO

    FOR THE MIAMI DOLPHIN FANS AT SUN LIFE STADIUM:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rc3lvSRFkJ8 

     

    AND YES, THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF THE WORD ‘IRONY’