6:05:10 a.m. – In honor of Queen Elizabeth’s 88TH Birthday, the I-Man has decided to wear his hair like her.
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN
6:07:24 a.m. – Warner reports that Masai Ujiri, the Toronto Raptors GM was quoted as saying ‘F**k Brooklyn’ at a fan rally. We guess the dumb bastard has never been to Brooklyn, and therefore, doesn’t understand what those words actually mean. Brooklyn has more people living in it than the entire country of Canada. Brooklyn could INVADE Canada. Brooklyn could make Canada it’s bitch. And the Nets are already up one in the playoffs. Those back bacon eating, maple syrup sucking, Justin Bieber exporting Canucks are going to need their National Health Care once the Nets are done with them.
6:13:24 a.m. – Dagen and Imogen went to see ‘Cabaret’ over the weekend, and, apparently, were ‘Perving’ over Alan Cummings. Um…ladies? You might want to save your energy and enthusiasm. Mr. Cummings is…shall we say…not a fan of the vagina…unless it’s attached to another man.
WILKOMMEN BIENVENUE…MADAMES…VOULEZ VOUS…UN PENIS?
6:16:32 a.m. – We learn that Kinky Friedman is the man who coined the term ‘Wussy’…we assume the Kinkster came up with that phrase when the I-Man saw a team of Doctors when he had an eyelash stuck in his eye. We assume he also came up with ‘Wouchebag’, ‘Wasshole’, and ‘Wickhead’.
6:18:36 a.m. – Warner reports that when President Clinton visited Shea Stadium, Mr. Met was told that there were snipers positioned throughout the park, and if he approached Bubba, they were authorized to use deadly force. If only every day citizens had that option. Mr. Met’s head would look like the surface of the moon.
“BRAVO 1, TARGET ACQUIRED…YOU’RE CLEAR TO TAKE THE SHOT”
6:22:44 a.m. – 16 year old Weston Hughes, one of Wyatt’s Rodeo Buddies, showed the I-Man a picture of his 16 year old girlfriend, and wanted to know if the Boss thought she was ‘hot’. The I-man demurs and says that he thinks his wife, Deirdre, is hot…but he’s not going to comment whether or not he thinks a child is ‘hot’. Unless, that child, of course, is 16 year old Deirdre.
6:40:46 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on, uncharacteristically talking about how much the President sucks. He unveils a new ‘Bo-ism’: ‘Ballsitation. Which is synonymous with ‘chutzpah’. It is a noun. As in “Do you believe the BALLSITATION on this guy trying to take my parking spot?”
BALLSITATION THE SIZE OF CANTALOUPES
7:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man relates a story about a Hawker 800 crashing in Mexico City, and not a Citation 10 in New Mexico, according to a very worried and confused Brant Eaton. Of course, the I-Man was in Texas, not New Mexico, nevertheless, Brant was concerned, and very happy to see the Boss touch down safely at Teterboro. The ride home, however, might as well have been from Mexico City, as Brant didn’t use Google Maps. So the shortcut through Delaware wound up being ill-advised.
BRANT PLOTS HIS ROUTE FROM THE AIRPORT (ABOVE LEFT)
7:39:34 a.m. – ‘It Might Be Elvis 3.0’ debuts this morning, with a brand new format. The I-Man chooses the songs and the panel decides whether or not they should be included in the Power Rotation…which seems to be a moot point, as the Boss has chosen the songs, and therefore, is already predisposed to liking them, and should we disagree with his musical taste, (Which is more than likely) it won’t make a difference. We think the segment should be retitled “I’m Playing It…Now What?” Which is fine with us, because we love Delbert McClinton.
“HEY DELBERT, PAUL SAYS YOU CAN SHOW ME HOW TO PLAY THE HARMONICA…BUT HE’S AN ASSH***”
7:41:34 a.m. – Imus has selected a Guns n’ Roses tune, a Macy Gray song, some hideous Rolling Stone Record, and Amy Winehouse, as if we needed any more inspiration to want to die of a heroin overdose ourselves. Miranda Lambert’s ‘Automatic’ is the only song he’s going to put in the power rotation, but only because we had to throw him a bone. In the Kingdom of the Deaf, the one-eared man reigns supreme.
8:05:10 a.m. – I-Fave, (and a R&T Fave as well) Steve Schirripa will be the 8:30 guest, and Imus takes exception to Mr. Schirripa’s ‘Musical Mount Rushmore’: Sting, Billy Joel, Paul Simon and Frank Sinatra. One of these things is not like the other. But we’re not about to tell him that. We enjoy our kneecaps.
STING. NAMED AFTER THE SENSATION HIS FATHER EXPERIENCED WHEN HE PEED
8:17:24 a.m. – Warner says “Give us a bigger hole”…which gives us pause, and then we realize he’s talking about golf. He reports that the PGA is experimenting with a 15 inch hole, in order to get more people to play the game. We have a better idea. Lower the f***ing Greens Fees.
A PAR TWO
8:36:14 a.m. – Steve Schirripa is here to promote the second season of his show “Karma’s A Bitch” on Discovery. It’s a show about wrongdoers who get it in the end. And by that, we don’t mean Joseph Abboud. He’s not a wrongdoer.
KARMA IS A BITCH…AND SHE WILL STICK YOU IN THE TRUNK OF A CAR
8:39:14 a.m. – Steve has just introduced a line of Tomato Sauce: ‘Uncle Steve’s’. Buy it. Don’t ask questions. Keep your mouth shut and just buy it. Then open your mouth and eat it.
NOT FOR NUTHIN’…BUT IT’S ORGANIC…SO YOU MIGHT WANT TO PUT SOME ON YOUR PASTA…IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU…AND IT’S GOOD FOR YOU. BECAUSE, LIKE WE SAID…IT’S ORGANIC. AND IF YOU DON’T PUT IT ON YOUR PASTA YOU MIGHT GET A PAIN RIGHT WHERE YOUR HEAD USED TO BE
VIDEO OF THE DAY :
HOW TO FIGHT A BABY
THREE WAYS TO FAIL A DRUNK TEST