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6:05:10 a.m. – The I-Man happily reports that this past Monday’s ‘Might Be Elvis’ was the highest rated hour of THE ENTIRE BROADCAST DAY. Rob claims that he is responsibl ...
-Tuesday, April 22-0 Comments
-Tuesday, April 22-0 Comments
5:55:10 a.m. – My Pillow Michael Lindell is here, back in the Green Room with us, awaiting his appearance on the program this morning. He drove straight through from Philadelphia at 3 A.M. ...
-Monday, April 21-0 Comments
-Monday, April 21-0 Comments
6:05:10 a.m. – In honor of Queen Elizabeth’s 88 TH Birthday, the I-Man has decided to wear his hair like her. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN 6:07:24 a.m. – Warner reports that Masai ...

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    Friday
    Nov152013

    Vinnie From Queens!

    6:05:12 –   Today is a very special day on the Imus in the Morning Program…a joyful day for a couple of people who we dearly love…who are among our favorite people on the planet…and we could not be happier for them.   Delbert and the Band will be part of ‘Imus at Night’ on December 5th at the Mohegan Sun.  Oh yeah…Bigfoot and Alyce are getting married tonight.

    “I KNOW I’M GOING TO REGRET THIS…BUT I MIGHT GET ANOTHER BLUES SONG OUT OF IT.”

    6:07:14 –   The I-Man waxes nostalgic about the 12 years that he’s known Bigfoot and Alyce, who were with us ever since the MSNBC days, and have been loyal staff members, manning the booth, in every Television incarnation we have ever been associated with.  We are looking forward to celebrating this joyous event with both of them…partly because of how much we love them both…but mostly because The Boss won’t be attending.  By ‘The Boss’, we don’t mean Springsteen, despite the fact that the wedding will be held in New Jersey.

    WE THINK THAT REFERRING TO ALYCE AS A LUMBERJACK IS VERY MISLEADING

    6:17:34 – Warner tries to pull a fast one, claiming that a ‘tie’ is a ‘win’.  Not according to Vito ‘The Butcher of Bologna’ Capobianco, who is an ‘expert’ on such things…and who is more than happy to ‘explain’ it to him.

    “IF YOU HAD A ‘TIE’…YOU LOST!”

    6:40:13 –  Paul Begala is on, and according to the I-Man, is the Spin MASTER.  At any given moment, he can provide an interpretation to persuade public opinion in favor for whomever he is an apologist at the time. He could turn Hitler into ‘A Misunderstood Romantic…With a Dream.’

    HE KNOWS WHEN YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING…

    6:47:22 – Begala ends all speculation about whether or not Chris Christie is going to run.  He assures us it will DEFINITELY happen. He hasn’t announced yet, but, not unlike the Governor eventually walking into a Dunkin Donuts…it’s only a matter of time.

    “TIME TO EAT THE DONUTS…”

    7:05:12 – The I-Man asks a pertinent question:  “What time is sunrise?”   Usually the time when the sun comes up.  We’ll try to look up the actual time for you…but we’ll need to take our sunglasses off because there’s so much glare in the studio.”

    LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE SAYS: “IT’LL COME OUT TOMORROW”

    7:15:46 –  Deirdre sents a frantic text to the I-Man.  Apparently there is a dead, white bird on their terrace.  It fell out of the sky in front of her…and it has no head.  This sounds like the pre-credits sequence of a ‘Law & Order: Special Victims Unit’ episode.  The D-Woman, understandably, sounded a little freaked out by the  incident.  A white bird, probably a Dove of Peace, dead on the terrace of the Imus Penthouse?  Sounds like a suicide, to us.

    IN ISLAMIC DREAM INTERPRETATION, A WHITE BIRD RESEMBLES YOUR ‘WORK IS CLEAN’, IF IT’S ‘BEHEADED’, IT MEANS… ‘DON’T BUY GREEN BANANAS OR RENEW YOUR MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS’

    7:40:37 – Another exciting edition of ‘Vinnie From Queens’, the Sports Forum with Tony, Warner, Gunz and Lou.  Gunz, in light of the train wreck that he called his hairstyle on yesterday’s ‘Mensa Meeting’, chose wisely when he groomed for today’s appearance:  He wore a hat.  A knit, wool watchcap.  Which, unfortunately, looked like an fully unrolled condom on his head.  This kid has the fashion sense of Jose Feliciano.

    UNFORTUNATELY…THIS PROPHYLACTIC WON’T PROTECT YOU FROM…HIS THOUGHTS

    8:02:15 –   Given the success of “Blonde on Blonde”, “Mensa Meeting” and “Vinnie From Queens”, Dr. Bill Evans suggests a new segment, featuring himself, Al Roker and Lloyd Lindsay Young, called “What’s Up With That Cold Front.” 

    WE THINK A SEGMENT FEATURING ‘THE WEATHERMEN’ WOULD BE FASCINATING

    8:02:45 –   The I-Man has his own suggestion for a new feature on the program:  “Celebrity Divorce Court.”   ARCANE REFERENCE ALERT.

    DR. BILL MAKES A GUEST STARRING APPEARANCE ON IMUS’ NEW SHOW

    8:18:27 –   In Warner’s Sports Report, he is disturbed about a story in which a Beaumont, Texas, Assistant Math Teacher knocked out a 4 foot 11 inch, eighth grade student for teasing him about his favorite sports team losing.  The I-Man’s take?  What do YOU think?   “Hey, how about keeping your mouth shut there, Tiny?  Where’s your effing homework?”  

    THE ‘THREE R’S’: ‘

    “READIN’, RITIN’…AND RASSLIN’”

    8:40:13 –   Matt Taibbi is on to talk about the idiotic behavior of the media, handicapping the 2016 Presidential Race when it’s still so far off.  He shares the joyous news that he is about to be a new dad.  It’s a boy, and appears to be a chip off the old block.  He’s not even born yet and he’s writing a column for The New York Times.

    TAIBBI JUNIOR IN THE FAMILY BUSINESS:

    “THE CONUNDRUM EXTANT IN THE WORKPLACE REMAINS THE RHETORICAL QUESTION ‘WHAT DOES ONE CALL A CO-WORKER?’  THE ANSWER BROUGHT FROM ACADEMIA TO THE POLITICAL WORLD BY HENRY KISSINGER AND NOW BANDIED ABOUT IN THE BOARDROOM IS ‘COLLEAGUE’.  IT HAS A NICE UPPER-EGALITARIAN FEEL, RELATED TO THE GOOD FELLOWHIP OF COLLEGIAL, AND DOES NOT BELIE THE FACT THAT, IN MY CASE, THE COLLEAGUES ARE ALL SITTING IN A PILE OF THEIR OWN FECAL MATTER.” 

    8:55:53 –    We learn from Gunz that he has asked Carley to go to a concert with him.  We assume he had tickets to see The Eagles, because, he must’ve checked the temperature in hell…and it has been a little cooler. 

    GUNZ:  HERE’S YOUR SIGN.  THERE’S ANOTHER ONE RIGHT BEHIND THAT SAYS: 

    “YOU STILL DON’T HAVE A SHOT”

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A Preview of the New Segment on the

    Imus in the Morning Program:

    CELEBRITY DIVORCE COURT

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BgrG4SB3Kw

     

    Thursday
    Nov142013

    The Stupidest Man in History Goes To...

    6:05:03 a.m. –  ‘Dick Lehr’ (as in ‘Dick Layer’) is on to promote his book about ‘Whitey Bulger’.  (As in BULGER) Why does it appear to us that these two guys could EASILY be Porn Stars?

    WHITEY BULGER DISCUSSES THE BIRDS AND THE BEES WITH LINDA LOVELACE

    6:11:25 a.m. –  The I-Man reminisces about the time he was travelling in the Southwest with Deirdre, and staying at the World Famous Hotel in the Grand Canyon…a National Park, where, at the time, it was illegal to have a gun.  Of course, they checked out, and Half a Lung Cassidy left his Glock on the Nightstand.  But because they were at 7000 feet above Sea Level, and the Boss has the Lung Capacity of an Asthmatic Fruit Fly, he couldn’t run back to get it.  And so, Deidre, the Villanova Track Star, was sent to retrieve the weapon.  How sorry are we that this is where the story simply ends?  In our scenario, not only does she go back for the pistol…she then uses it.  Repeatedly.  And then drops it, and the body, into the Canyon.

    “DEIRDRE?  DEIRDRE?  WHERE’D YOU GO?  COME BACK!  I NEED MY OXYGEN!”

    6:13:54 a.m. –    The Boutique Pookie and Sebastian, at 1488 2nd Avenue, (Between 77th and 78th) have not been all that forthcoming about their return policy, and have not treated our Carley very well.  Uh oh.  They shouldn’ta done that.  Especially as they are unaware that Carley works for the Legendary Pitbull of Broadcasting.  The muzzle is off, and we implore you to call the folks at Pookie and Sebastian at 212 861-0550 just to clarify what ALL their policies are.  And, while you’re at it, ask them what they think about the Nets and Knicks, Obamacare, and whether Miley is out of control.

    POOKIE & SEBASTIAN…THAT ALSO SOUNDS LIKE A COUPLE OF PORN STARS, DOESN’T IT?

    6:40:09 a.m. – Dick Lehr is on.  Um…he’s DEFINITELY NOT a porn star.

    DICK LEHR…IS HIS ‘WHITEY’…A ‘BULGER’?

    7:05:12 a.m. –   There is a ‘Starbucks Controversy’ (or as we like to call it, ‘The Mystery of the 6 Dollar Overcharging) update.  Newsflash…it appears that the I-Man has been paying for Connell’s coffee all this time.  Of course, had Connell just checked his cellphone, he would’ve noticed that HIS balance has remained the same for the past six months.  Freeloader.

    CONNELL…FINDING A PERFECTLY GOOD CIGAR ON THE STREET

    7:12:22 a.m. –  It appears that the I-Man has taken special interest in the Alec Baldwin / Stalker Trial.  He has advice for the  ’30 Rock’ actor:  “Don’t be hosing the Psycho Actress.”   Full disclosure requires us to mention that…when the I-Man met Deirdre…she was studying the ‘Meisner Method’.  We’re not saying…we’re just saying…

    NAH…SHE DOESN’T LOOK CRAZY AT ALL, ALEC.  BUT…WE THINK THAT YOU MIGHT WANT TO HIRE A GUARD FOR YOUR PET RABBIT JUST TO BE SAFE

    7:40:38 a.m. –  It’s Mensa Meeting Time.  The most ironically named segment in major Market Radio and Morning Television.

    GUNZ GOT A HAIRCUT AND DRESSED UP THIS WEEK

    8:05:46 a.m. –    We come back from break after a ‘Spontaneous’ Bigelow Tea Commercial, where the lovely Cindy Bigelow interviews Legendary NFL Quarterback Phil Simms about what he drinks every morning.  Suffice to say that neither of them have studied the Meisner Method of Acting.  They sound like two people who have suffered massive head wounds.  You’d think that English was Simms’ second…or even third, language. This is the stupidest guy in the world.

    “ME…LIKE…DRINK TEA…GOOD…OOOH LOOK AT THE PRETTY LIGHTS!”

    8:15:22 a.m. –  Dagen reports on the two morons from ‘Snapchat’ who turned down an offer of 3 Billion dollars in cash from Facebook.  We hereby take back our comment about Phil Simms.  Clearly, THESE dudes are the Stupidest People currently on the planet, and, perhaps, in HISTORY.

    SNAPCHAT’S CO-FOUNDERS

    8:25:22 a.m. –  The I-Man promos the upcoming appearance of Astronaut and Author, Mark Kelly, who is in to discuss his new book, ‘Mousetronaut Goes To Mars’, a sequel to his bestselling ‘Mousetronaut’.  He asks Rob and Tony if it’s a children’s book.  No, it’s a Non-Fiction Mouscumentary.  The big pictures of the cartoon mouse in the space helmet are there for you, Imus.   We hereby take back our comments about Snapchat’s co-founders.  THESE two guys are the stupidest creatures in the UNIVERSE.

    “WAIT A MINUTE…YOU MEAN THE MOUSE DIDN’T REALLY  GO TO MARS?”

    8:40:27 a.m. –Astronaut, Aviator, (Because he’s in the Navy) and real American Hero, Mark Kelly, is on with his book, and when he leaves, the I-Man says that Kelly is ‘Translucent’…and has a very powerful ‘Aura’.   We postulate what he would do if one of us every said either of those words.  We are sure he would use the word ‘Fruit’ in there somewhere.

    trans·lu·cent

    transˈlo͞osnt,tranz-/

    adjective

    adjective: translucent

    1. (of a substance) allowing light, but not detailed images, to pass through; semitransparent

               "fry until the onions become translucent"

    UM…SO, WHAT IS THE I-MAN TRYING TO SAY?

     THAT AVIATOR KELLY NEEDS A TAN?  OR THAT HE’S AN ONION?  WHAT KIND OF AN ‘AURA’ DO ONIONS HAVE ANYWAY?

    9:05:37 a.m. –  Mike Lupica calls in to straighten the I-Man out about his position that the Knicks beating the Hawks being like the Miracle on Ice.  He suggests that the I-Man probably misunderstood because he was obsessed with the missing quart of Strawberries at Starbucks.

    “AHH, BUT THE STARBUCKS REWARDS…THAT’S …THAT’S WHERE I HAD THEM.  THEY LAUGHED AT ME AND MADE JOKES, BUT I PROVED BEYOND THE SHADOW OF A DOUBT AND WITH …GEOMETRIC LOGIC…THAT THE BARRISTA HAD NOT USED MY REWARD…AND THAT I HAD BEEN OVERCHARGED…DID YOU KNOW I HAVE THREE BALLS?  THEY’RE IN MY HAND.  THEY’RE MADE OF STEEL…”

    (IS THAT AN ARCANE ENOUGH REFERENCE FOR YOU, DEAR READER?) 

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    WITH APOLGIES TO GUNZ, PHIL SIMMS, THE SNAPCHAT FOUNDERS AND THE I-MAN, HERE IS THE STUPIDEST MAN IN HISTORY, INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU, AS PLAYED BY THE LATE, GREAT,

    PETER SELLERS

    (WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A PORNO ACTOR TALENT AGENCY)


     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93ZDOcU2TL4 

    Wednesday
    Nov132013

    The McDowell Sisters

    6:05:43 a.m. –  The I-Man was watching a TIVO of the program yesterday, and discovered, for the first time, that Fox bleeps out the phrase ‘Titty Bar’.  We guess poor ol’ Jerry Jones will have to take his boys down to the ‘Gentleman’s Club.’  Because they’ll see ‘Lot’s o’ titties there’.

    GUESS THE COWBOYS WILL HAVE TO PATRONIZE ‘HOOTERS’

    6:07:52 a.m. –  Dagen says that Glenn Frey is a word that rhymes with ‘Stick’.  We’re confused.  Is he a ‘Sheep Tick’?  A ‘Salt Lick’?  A ‘Scissor Kick’?  But hearing that when Dagen was running the Beer Cart on the golf course he was playing on, he referred to our delicate flower as ‘The Help’…makes us think he’s just a ‘Dick’. 

    YEAH, THAT’S THE FACE OF A ‘DICK’ ALRIGHT

    6:15:27 a.m. –   Our Sound Guy, Trevor, earns his money today.  He ‘helps’ the I-Man, by fixing his left ear monitor.  He’s a technical whiz at all things audio, Trevor is…and he also knows how to unclog the earwax with a paper clip.

    WE MADE A WHOLE SERIES OF SCENTED CANDLES WITH THE WAX WE PULLED OUT OF THE I-MAN’S EAR MONITORS

    6:40:43 a.m. – Lori Rothman was on to discuss the Eagles Concert she attended with her diminutive husband last Friday Night.  Apparently, they had great seats, and they even had a booster for Mr. Rothman.  The concert was great, and very much like the Showtime Documentary…which, one would think, would make actually going to the live show somewhat of a moot point.  Lori says she was just glad to get out of the house…which, in her case, must be a Hollow Tree.

    LORI AND HER HUSBAND, ‘BOBO’, GETTING READY FOR THE SHOW

    7:07:32 a.m. –   Connell doesn’t know his cholesterol numbers.  Idiot.  Everybody knows their cholesterol numbers.  Even newly bleached blonde, Megan McDowell, Dagen’s sister, who is in for Lis Wiehl this morning.  Hers is 657 / 928, which means her blood has the consistency of ceiling spackle. 

    THE MCDOWELL SISTERS IN A HAPPIER MOMENT

    7:40:38 a.m. – Megan and Deirdre go ‘Head to Head’ on ‘Blonde on Blonde’.  It’s like throwing a Shark into the Walrus pool at SeaWorld.  It’s more like ‘Blonde on Beef’.  Megan is what you would consider…a ‘Plus’ size type.  Although you wouldn’t necessarily consider her looks a ‘plus’.  The girls ‘Go at it’, but, somehow, it doesn’t have the same effect on us as it does when it’s Lis and Deirdre.  Instead of envisioning two hot blondes mud wrestling together, it looks like a swimsuit model is being attacked by a manatee.  You’d never know it by looking at her, but Megan works at a ‘Titty Bar’. ‘The Great Alaskan Bush Company’ in Phoenix.

    MEGAN’S FAVORITE POST-LAP DANCE SNACK

    8:05:46 a.m. –     “Megan Kelly is a great interviewer.”  The I-Man has spoken.  She had a segment with James Carville last night, but Serpent Head didn’t answer her direct question.  We agree she is a great interviewer, but we also know that, if we were to be sitting across from her, we would just say ‘Yes’ to everything she said.

    “WHAT?  WHAT DID SHE SAY?  UM…NEVER MIND.  YES, MEGYN.  DEFINITELY YES.  TO WHATEVER IT IS YOU JUST SAID.  ABSOLUTELY YES.”

    8:15:22 a.m. –  Our TV Boss, Kevin Magee stops in to check out Megan McDowell in person.  He seems particularly enamored of her, to the point where it begins to get uncomfortable.  “Maybe you’d like to go to lunch?  I know an all you can eat smorgasbord on 7th Avenue.”  Um…Kevin?  It’s Rob.  “Oh.  Well, Rob…maybe you’d like to go to…a Titty Bar?”

    KEVIN’S EX.  ‘TOOTSIE’ MAGEE

    8:25:22 a.m. –  The I-Man is upset that Carley has returned with his coffee and it appears that Starbucks hasn’t used one of his ‘Free Coffee Awards’…not only that, but they overcharged him for his coffee.  He sends Carley back to straighten out the situation…and has Tony go with her to make sure they understand the severity of the situation.    

    ON SECOND THOUGHT…MAYBE WE SHOULD START GOING TO DUNKIN DONUTS

    8:40:27 a.m. – Juan Williams is on, and he goes out of his way to make the I-Man look stupid.  Which, when you get to thinking about it, isn’t all that difficult to do.  Nonetheless, he has hurt the Boss’s feelings…and he will add this to his list of things that are injured: His pride, his ribs, his back, his lungs…there isn’t enough Vicodin on the planet to put him out of his misery.   There is, however, more than enough to put us out of ours…all he has to do is take a handful and chase it with a quart of Stoli.

    UNFORTUNATELY, THEY DON’T HAVE THIS PARTICULAR DRINK AT STARBUCKS

    9:05:37 a.m. –  Tony comes back with Carley, and apparently, he was able to bring the matter to a successful conclusion…and it had nothing to do with the fact that both the Barista and the Manager were both African American.  Although Tony DOES speak Jive, and once he told them.  “Butters layin’ me to the bone.  Cutty say he can’t hang.” the matter had been resolved.

    “YOU WORK FOR WHAT RADIO PERSONALITY?”  “HOWARD STERN”

    9:13:12 a.m. –   People Magazine is going to announce its’ ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ later today.  Um…good luck, I-Man. 

    I DON’T…THINK SO.

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    A TRIBUTE TO MAN’S FAVORITE PLACE

    COURTESY OF ‘AXIS OF AWESOME’

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3Lwdkkhkhk 

    Tuesday
    Nov122013

    Warner Was Right!

    6:05:43 a.m. – Delbert and Glen and the band are here this morning, and, according to the I-Man, neither Delbert nor anybody in the band, not even Wendy, Delbert’s lovely wife, seemed all that happy to see him.  The only one who stood to shake his hand and say ‘Hi’ was Glen…and Imus isn’t all that crazy about him.  It figures, the one person who actually likes the Boss…and the I-Man has no use for him.

    FUNNY…ONLY THE GUY IN THE FUNNY HAT WAS HAPPY TO SEE THE I-MAN

    6:09:22 a.m. – In polite, public discourse, etiquette dictates that people say “How are you doing?” when they meet a friend who they know is ill.  Except not one person does with the I-Man.  Because he’ll actually tell them.  Nobody has that much free time.  We have learned not even to say ‘Hello’ to him…we have resorted to… “What’s wrong with you now?”

    SOME QUESTIONS JUST SHOULDN’T BE ASKED

    6:15:49 a.m. –  Surely a sign of the impending Apocalypse…Warner was RIGHT!  He took the Bucs.  He says he’s 100 imaginary dollars ahead.  Actually, he’s just even, as there was a point spread tie over the weekend, and there has been many a man hung over a balcony by his ankles because “Ties count as a loss.”

    MICHAEL JACKSON WASN’T PLAYING WHEN HE TOLD HIS INFANT SON, BLANKET,   ‘I WANT MY MONEY, BITCH’.  (BECAUSE HE’S ‘BAD’)

    6:27:43 a.m. – Delbert and Glen sing  ‘I ain’t old, but I been around a long time.’  We smell a new Imus in the Morning theme song…

    METHUSELAH.  HE WAS AROUND A LONG TIME TOO

    6:40:43 a.m. – Roxanne Donovan, on the Board of Directors of ‘Joan’s Legacy, United Against Lung Cancer’ is on to promote the “Blues and News” fundraiser this Thursday night, featuring Delbert McClinton, Glen Clark and the band.  There will be a silent auction that will include an item of particular interest: The opportunity to have a character named after you in a Stephen King novel.  The I-Man would bid on it, but he’s already BEEN in a Stephen King novel.  The title character in King’s story about an evil, rabid dog:  Cujo

    THE I-MAN’S FILM DEBUT

    7:01:06 a.m. –  Dr. Bill reports that we will have rain and wet snow today.  “Rain or Snow?”  the I-Man demands to know.  “Rain…wet snow…close enough.”  Not exactly ‘Accu-Weather’.  Where’s the Doppler Radar, Mr. Weatherbee?  Close enough?  That may be okay for hand grenades and horseshoes…but not a meteorological event.

    “THERE WILL BE A MIX OF RAIN AND WET SN…AH, F#$% IT, LOOK OUT YOUR F#$% ING WINDOW.”

    7:03:43 a.m. – During the local news break, Connell reports on Yellow Dog, an Iranian Band that ‘Broke Up’, according to the I-Man, by way of murder/suicide.  And people hate Yoko Ono…and all she did was break up the Beatles, not shoot them to death.  Rob ruminates on the event, unaware his microphone is on.  “Well, at least there won’t be any reunion tour.”   No, Rob, there won’t be…unless you count the one in Hell.   

    THE WELCOMING COMMITTEE IN ROCK N’ ROLL HELL

    7:15:43 a.m. – “I just got an eMail from Kevin Magee about my hat.”  Apparently, our TV Boss here at Fox Business would like the I-Man to push his hat back so the audience can see his face.  Does Mr. Magee want to run the risk of Trauma Lawsuits?  “No, I’m not going to push my hat back…I’m not Dale Evans.”  Well, that’s what you would technically call a “Distinction without a Difference”.

    ULTIMATELY, THE I-MAN DECIDED TO GO WITHOUT THE HAT

    7:40:38 a.m. – Author James Swanson is on with his new book, End of Days: The Assassination of John F. Kennedy.  The I-Man makes the observation to Mr. Swanson that  he looks like the kind of person that you might find when you pick up the paper and read that he had murdered everybody in the town. 

    “HE ALWAYS LOOKED FINE TO US.  QUIET.  KEPT TO HIMSELF.  WE NEVER THOUGHT HE HAD SO MANY BODIES BURIED IN HIS BACK YARD.  WE JUST THOUGHT HE WAS LAYING SOD.”

    8:05:46 a.m. –  We get the disturbing news that Jenna Jameson is getting back into Porn.  Why ‘disturbing’?  Have you seen her lately?  As many times as we’ve enjoyed the ‘Trains’ going in and out of that ‘Tunnel’, that particular ‘Train’ has left the station.  She’s now,  a virtual  ‘Train Wreck’.    Holy God. 

    JENNA JAMESON:  NOTHING A LITTLE MAKEUP…OKAY, A LOT  OF MAKEUP… COULDN’T FIX

    8:17:11 a.m. – Imus reports that California has proposed a new law that would require Porn Stars to use condoms AND protective Eye Wear when shooting Adult Films.  In a related story, Vivid Pictures has bought a bunch of goggles with blackened out lenses for the actors shooting scenes with Jenna Jameson.

    “HEY, WHERE IS SHE?  I WANT TO MEET HER…HEY!  I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING WITH THESE ON!  OH.  RIGHT.  THAT’S THE POINT.”

    8:40:27 a.m. – Delbert and Glen entertain again.  Two more tunes, “I Said Yes When I Oughta Know” and “Peace in the Valley”.  Imus makes the observation that Delbert still sounds amazing, despite the fact that he’s the same age as he is.  We would like to make the observation that Imus also still sounds amazing.  When he’s not coughing, wheezing or complaining about the nodule on his vocal cords. 

    DELBERT AND HIS GRANDFA…UM…THE I-MAN

    9:05:37 a.m. – Connell reports on the controversy over the size of The World Trade Center Tower in NYC, and the Willis Tower in Chicago.  Apparently, both cities are waiting on a ruling from The Height Committee of the Council on Tall Buildings and Urban Habitat.  (Your Tax Dollars…At Work!)  Chicago claims theirs is bigger, because you shouldn’t count the needle on the Trade Center Tower.  It’s the same old story.  Two sides, debating over who has the longest ‘needle’.  Considering how cold Chicago is, it’s probably bigger…if you count ‘shrinkage’.     

    “UM…I’M SORRY…THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.  USUALLY, I’M A FULL 110 STORIES…I’M JUST UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE AT WORK.”

    9:13:12 a.m. –   There’s a story about Karl Rove and the I-Man mentions that he has frequently mistaken Rove for Dick Morris…and then relates that neither man will appear on the program.  He’s especially perturbed at Morris’ refusal to be a guest, considering we offered to have a dog collar and a hooker available for him.

    DICK MORRIS ENJOYING A LITTLE ‘DOWN BOY’ TIME

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    When the I-Man thinks ‘Goggles’…he doesn’t think ‘Porn’…

    …He thinks ‘Rocky and Bullwinkle’.

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWjRgzFeE_8 

    Monday
    Nov112013

    It's Warner Wolf's Birthday!

    (In Military Time, In Honor of Veteran’s Day)

    06:05:12- Saturday night, the I-Man fell, and couldn’t get up.  Cue the ‘Life-Alert’ commercial.   Apparently, he tripped over his oxygen hose and hurt his ribs.  Wow.  In the 70’s he was falling down because he was drunk.  The times, they are a changing.  He said he can’t take his pain pills, because then food will fall out of his mouth.   Something that we like to call   “Dress Rehearsal”.

    THE I-MAN DOES A PSA FOR AN IMPORTANT SAFETY ITEM

    06:17:34 – Warner bemoans the performance of J.R. Smith at the Knicks game, (read ‘blowout’) last night, going 1 for 9.  He says when asked about his poor shooting average, Smith replied:  “Where’s my weed?”  Oh, that wacky Warner.  He apologizes to the I-Man, knowing the I-Man can’t laugh because his ribs are hurting.  Oh, that’s okay, Warner.  We’re good.

    WE DIDN’T KNOW BOB MARLEY PLAYED HOOPS

    06:25:13 -  The I-Man visited with his In-Laws on Saturday, and was left by Deirdre and Wyatt and Deirdre’s Mom, and forced to engage in ‘small talk’ with his Father in Law, Jim, and his Brother in Law, Keith.  You all know how much I-Man loves engaging in small talk with ANYBODY, let alone his In-Laws…when it’s about ‘Obamacare’.   Keith, apparently, is a big fan of the show…he wants to know if the I-Man is still broadcasting from his office.  Um…yes.  And Charles and Larry and Al Rosenberg.

    AL ROSENBERG.  KEITH LOVES HIS ‘MR. T’

    07:05:12 – IT’S WARNER WOLF’S BIRTHDAY!!!!  HAPPY BI-CENTENNIAL, BRO!  And we never knew that your birthday was a National Holiday!  All the schools are closed!

    HE DOESN’T LOOK A DAY OVER 89 

    07:07:46 – Warner shares with us some birthday coincidences.  He was born on Veteran’s Day.  Father Wolf was born on the 4th of July, Mama Wolf was born on Memorial Day, and they got married on Thanksgiving.  Wow.  And did you know, Jesus was born on Christmas?  Freaky, right?

    FUN FACT:  3000 ATTENDED THE PARTY AND THEY DIDN’T RUN OUT OF CAKE…(OR WINE)

    07:17:15 -   We decide that it’s time for the I-Man to get a Little Rascal Scooter. 

    “HEY DEIRDRE! I’M GOING TO THE MAILBOX TO SEE IF THE STAIR LIFT BROCHURE CAME IN”

    07:40:37 – Imogen Lloyd Weber is on.  Imus informs her that he fell down.  “My grandmother falls down.”  Ah, that biting British Humor.

    NOT IMOGEN LLOYD WEBER’S GRAND MUM.  IT’S ACTUALLY IMUS TRYING TO TAKE A BATH

    08:05:22 –  Carley is out today, in Chicago, no doubt helping her fiancée, Pete overcome his deep depression over Michigan’s loss to Nebraska.  NEBRASKA?  We hope she took away his belt and shoelaces.  Filling in for her is the lovely Allie.  The I-Man asks, “Where did we get YOU from?”  “I’ve been working for you for the past 6 months.”  “Oh.  Well.  You’re doing a fabulous job.”  He wonders where she was this morning to accompany him to the studio as Carley does every morning.  He reveals that he does not know how to get to the studio.  We’ve only been here since 2008.  You can’t expect him to know everything. 

    HE COULDN’T FIND THIS IF BRANT DIDN’T DROP HIM AT THE CURB

    08:07:13 –  The Boss receives a text from Deirdre, who, apparently, was not aware that Imus had also torn a muscle in addition to bruising his ribs.  Deirdre, of course, gives him the nurturing, sympathetic, caring response you would expect from her: “You’re not an athlete”.   In a related story, water is wet.

    AN ACTUAL XRAY OF THE TORN SHOULDER MUSCLE.  (THE WORDS HAPPEN TO BE TATTOOS)

    08:10:55 –  Warner relates an anecdote about the first time he met the I-Man.  It was at one of the legendary Imus Stand Up gigs in 1976.  He was taken as a guest of Mike Lynne, and driven there in Imus’ ‘Psychedelic Van’, (You know, the one with the stained glass windows…it was a Rev. Hargus deal)  Let’s get one thing straight, Warner.  You let the Old Drunk Cowboy DRIVE?

    THEY WERE EITHER GOING TO SEE A SHOW…OR HELP SCOOBY DOO SOLVE A MYSTERY

    08:20:19 –  “We need to hurry up so we can get on Doris Kearns Goodwin.  Well, not ‘Get On.’  Although the girl does like to party.  We’ve seen her fantasize about Lincoln…she’s tied up…and calls to him, ‘Emancipate me, you stove pipe hat wearing mother f%$#er!”

    “OH DORISSS…I’M WAITING…FOR FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN MINUTES”

    08:35:19 –  Doris is on to promote her new book, ‘The Bully Pulpit’ , about Theodore Roosevelt and William Howard Taft.  Who would’ve thought a book like that would be interesting, let alone one you absolutely can NOT put down, and want to read as slowly as possible because you don’t want it to end?  Doris Kearns Goodwin, obviously. That’s why she wrote it.  She wants another Pulitzer to balance the other one she’s got…use them as bookends.  We have not seen Doris in quite some time…she’s been our ‘Drinking Buddy’ on many of our Boston Remotes.  Ol’ Doris do like a cocktail every now and then…and by now and then, we mean every three minutes. 

    “WANT ME TO SHOW YOU MY LINCOLN TATTOO?  I’LL GIVE YOU A HINT WHERE IT IS: I DIDN’T NEED TO HAVE THEM INK A BEARD.”

    09:05:19 –  It is Sandy Helm’s Birthday today as well.  Sandy, of course, the wife of the late, great, Levon Helm.  She discussed the fact that she and Warner have the same Birthdays, when she met him at ‘Imus at Night’ , at a broadcast from The Mohegan Sun Resort and Casino.  Warner, unfortunately, does not remember the incident.  We think it’s ‘Feed’.  He’s clearly hiding something.  Let’s go to the video tape…

     YOU CAN’T DENY THE PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE:  HERE WE CAN CLEARLY SEE WARNER PUTTING THE MOVES ON SANDY…RIGHT IN FRONT OF LEVON!

     

    VIDEO OF THE DAY

    IN HONOR OF THE BIRTHDAY BOY, WARNER WOLF, WE PRESENT A CARTOON HE MADE BACK IN THE 70’S.

     

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIezIhi9JNc