6:05:10 a.m. – Today we will not have film legend, and Mensa Meeting panelist Alan Colmes in the 7:00 AM hour along with Bernard McGuirk, Gunz, and Deirdre Imus. Carley Shimkus is filling in for Alan, not that she could ever truly fill Alan’s shoes as he has six toes on both feet.
ALAN COLMES. MENSA MEETING PANELIST IN A FILM HE MADE BACK IN THE 80’S WITH WOODY ALLEN.
6:06:12a.m. – … but first, former child star Bret Baier will be on at 6:35.
BRET BAIER’S DEBUT AS ‘MIKEY’ IN THE LIFE CEREAL COMMERCIAL, ( L) AND AS HE IS NOW, AS A FOX NEWS ANCHOR ( R ) HE LIKES IT!!!
6:07:14 a.m. – It appears as if the I-Man is having another Bad Hair Day. REALLY Bad Hair Day. He notes that none of the dogs here at the ranch comb their hair. What?? “ Um…their coats” “I look just like them, but I don’t do the stuff they do”. Well that’s a comfort. Glad to know that you’re not going around sniffing stranger’s butts. Although we do imagine that Deidre has had to hit you on the nose with a newspaper on more than one occasion for peeing on the floor, and trying to hump her leg.
Imus wearing what Mr. Pierre at the salon calls “The Great Pyrenees”
6:26:52a.m. – The I-Man throws Joe Beaver and Mike Arnold under the bus for getting him all jacked up on “Johnny Football”. The Boss hasn’t had a bigger crush on a man since he was a young Marine getting a lip lock on a transvestite. To be fair, the transvestite also had huge hands just like Johnny Manziel….and an adam’s apple just like Johnny Manziel…and a big ….well you get the point.
No I’m not a quarterback big fella but I do have a Tight End
6:40:08 a.m. – I-Fave Bret Baier is on to discuss the ISIS crisis in Iraq and the situation in Ferguson, Missouri. Imus notes that Bret seems to be distracted as though he was “watching Fox and Friends, and trying to talk to the I-Man at the same time. Well in all fairness Mr. Baeir’s TV is on and tuned to Fox Business. Let’s just say that without hair, and make-up the Boss’ appearance can be ….well.. Distracting.
Hey Bret, Hellooooo, get with the program. You’re just dead this morning
7:05:28 a.m. – The I-Man is jacked up about Little League sensation Mo’ne Davis. Warner observes that the thirteen year-old will be going through pooberty. Oh yes pooberty that time when a young man , or a young wo….Wait a minute…did you say Pooberty Warner? We’re not all that familiar with that area of biology. We guess pooberty is that awkward stage when young people start to change, and find themselves sexually attracted to their Winnie The Pooh stuffed animals. These sexual urges sometimes lead to young men waking in the middle of the night to change the sheets. That’s so that they can get the stuffing off of them. Nothing says I’m becoming a man like a defiled Pooh Bear.
So you really like honey huh Pooh Bear? I think I know where you can find some
7:41:24 a.m. – The Mensa meeting begins contentiously as Imus asserts that there wasn’t mental capacity in entire group combined to actually qualify for admission to the Mensa Society. Well maybe they could, but Gunz’ negative 73 I.Q. ruins the curve for everyone else. One of the topic questions is, “What is the worst thing you’ve ever done to get out of a date?” Bernie replies that he once told a young woman that he couldn’t go because it was his wife’s birthday. Gunz says that he met someone for dinner at The Olive Garden, and she didn’t look anything like her pictures so excused himself to the bathroom and left. You can imagine how awkward it was when he ran into her sneaking out into the parking lot tearing up that picture of Zach Efron Gunz posted on his dating profile over his name.
Gunz Not Gunz
7:49:24 a.m. – “Hey Deirdre you are looking pretty good this morning.” We agree! I-Man. Imus: “It’s hard to believe that you’re 50.” We agree! Deirdre: “It’s hard to believe you’re 90”. We…Um…Deidre …..It’s not really all that hard
Well Truth Be Told Imus Doesn’t Look a Day Over 89 ½
8:06:32 a.m. – The I-Man has a bit of good news. Show fave Leslie Slender, WABC’s great promotions director, just got a promotion. No, she wasn’t the 77th caller to the station, she got a job promotion. There’s no job title yet, however Leslie’s new duties will include leading a team of individuals to help Cumulus Media generate non-traditional revenue. That sounds great. We, however, have no idea what that means. Exactly what type of “non-traditional” revenue are we talking because we know some people looking to move some ..um.. South American pharmaceuticals that could be looking for an investor. We hope Leslie isn’t going to hire a bunch of male strippers, and open a series of cabaret clubs called Magic Mics ( See what we did there? ) Mics?? Because…it’s broadcasting. Hiring male strippers would definitely be thinking outside of the box. Oh snap, we did it again. See…because they’re male strippers and they don’t have a b…..oh never mind. Good luck in your new position Leslie.
Hey Ladies Come A Little Closer We Want To Do Something Non-Traditional
8:17:16 a.m. – The Boss wishes that Mo’ne Davis and her Philadelphia team were in a Mike Lupica book. That way when little Mo’ne gets taken out of the game the kid that everyone teased, and made fun of could come in to save the game, and be the hero. The coach would send Little “Bobby Jew” into the game. What? I meant “Bobby Sue”. Oh that’s different. “Rabbi Schlomo goes to the bullpen. It looks like he wants the right hander …Little Bobby Jew. Bobby Jew goes into the wind-up…. it’s a 90 MPH fastball, ….but for you….. he’ll let it go for 67 MPH.”
Little Bobby Warms Up
8:43:14 a.m. – N.Y. Congressman Peter King is on to discuss world affairs, and says that he’s thinking about running for president. An incredulous I-Man asks the congressman, “how many people have asked you to run?” King says that he was at a Mets game, and a lot of people there asked him to run. That’s probably because they wanted Peter to get back with their hot dogs before they got cold. Jesus. Larry King will be President before Peter is. Don King, could have B.B. King as his running mate and get elected before this goober. Thanks for the yucks Congressman.
Another King Who Will Be President Before Peter
VIDEO OF THE DAY
In Honor Of Our Friend Leslie Slender’s New Gig We Offer Some Non-traditional Food For Thought.
Channing Tatum As Magic Mike
Comment from the I-Man: Tony wrote this one all by himself. Very clever and amusing. By himself....Tony wrote the blog today without lard ass butting in with unfunny sh*t...you know like that Dice Clay lame bit. Kudos to TONY. Misspelled Deurdre's name. See what I did there.