6:05:00 a.m. – Singer, songwriter, actor, horse breeder, and TRUE gentleman the GREAT Lyle Lovett is in studio this morning, and…it simply does NOT get better than that. He is here with legendary drummer Russ Kunkle, who, by himself, would be an amazing musical guest, but the two of them together is what you would technically call ‘An Embarrassment Of Riches’. Are we gushing? Yes. But if it’s wrong to have a full-on ‘Man Crush’ for Lyle Lovett…then we don’t want to be right.
WE ADMIT…WE’VE GOT THIS PHOTO UNDER OUR BED. DON’T JUDGE.
6:10:17 a.m. – We discover, during a discussion of tonight’s MLB All-Star Game that the I-Man is… A Big Chris Berman fan? Really? Questions immediately spring to mind: “How?” “Why?” The Imus answer: “He’s fat…and I like him.” We never knew that was the main criteria for the Boss to be fond of you. If that were the only requirement…he must absolutely ADORE Rob.
“GOD, I LOVE THE I-MAN!”
6:40:18 a.m. – Carl, ‘Two Questions’ Jeffers is on, and shares a story about a recent incident he had on a ‘Red-Eye’ flight, on which he had a SEVERE attack of Vertigo. As Carl described the ordeal, it’s a total loss of the sense of balance, you are completely unsure of your physical stability, an unsettling, disquieting sensation of helplessness… the feeling of not literally knowing, ‘Which way is up?’ Which, here on the Imus in the Morning program, we call ‘Monday Morning.’
UNUSUAL, YET FASCINATING PHENOMENON: STARE AT THIS PICTURE FOR A LITTLE WHILE, AND YOU CAN ACTUALLY HEAR CARL JEFFERS TALKING
7:05:57 a.m. – A woman sends an email to Imus, upset that the I-Man and D-Woman don’t personally sign the THOUSANDS of ‘Thank You’ letters they send for every donation made to the Imus Ranch For Kids With Cancer. Considering she is complaining to a man who is battling cancer, has breathing issues that require the use of bottled oxygen as he spends every summer at 7000 feet above sea level and does a radio program requiring him to get up at 2 o’clock in the morning Mountain Time, (and has done so for the past 15 years) we think you could file this one under ‘What The Hell Was She Thinking?’ Sign THIS, you old bag. It’s a ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ order.
“THANK YOU FOR YOUR DONATION. NOW, PLEASE DIE.
VERY SINCERELY YOURS, DON IMUS.”
7:17:42 a.m. – Dagen reveals that, due to Lyle Lovett’s presence in our studio this morning, she went all out to get ‘Prettified’ for him. A process that included her pulling her ‘back fat’ around to the front to create faux cleavage. Um…thanks Dagen. We think.
DAGEN, SIMULATING WHAT GOD FAILED TO PROVIDE (OKAY, OKAY, YOU GOT US, WE’RE JUST MESSING WITH YOU, THIS IS ACTUALLY THE BACKSIDE OF OUR PLUMBER’S PANTS AFTER HE RIPPED A HOLE IN THEM
7:27:13 a.m. - The I-Man sent Nat an email, disappointed in the studio audience our Stage Manager has assembled to watch Lyle’s first performance this morning, of “Don’t Touch My Hat” off his very fine new album “RELEASE ME” so for his second, song, “Natural Forces”, Nat has doubled the size of the crowd…we believe…by ‘cloning’. Now we know why Jeff Wilpon was so quick to provide Candido with tickets for tonight’s All Star Game.
QUICK! NAT! DO YOUR MAGIC!
7:40:17 a.m. – Tim McCarver, former Major Leaguer and Sportscaster Extraordinaire, is on to discuss tonight's All-Star Game. During the interview, he reveals that he is retiring after this year’s season, which is sad for everyone who looked forward to hearing his voice calling the games. Fortunately, you can still hear his golden-throated pipes sing ‘On A Clear Day’ on his album, which, we believe was ‘certified lead’ by the RIAA.
THIS RECORD HAS REPLACED ‘DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY’
ON GUANTANAMO BAY’S I-POD PLAYLIST
8:05:17 A.M. – It’s reported that the Pope has a new ‘Ride’, a Ford Focus, a car which, in the I-Man’s opinion, desperately needs to be ‘Pimped’. Not that the Holy Father is going to be out ‘Cruising for Chicks’ on Saturday Night, but you would think that, given the flamboyance of the position, and the florid outfits of the papacy, he’d have a somewhat flashier set of wheels. Although his vow of celibacy would preclude him riding around with the top down in his Benzo, Imus, whose long-time condemnation of the sexual abuse scandals in the Catholic Church is legendary, offers that a more appropriate vehicle for the Pope might be… an ‘Ice Cream Truck’. Yes, he did ‘go there’…and yes, he IS ‘going to hell.’
“IS THAT A VANILLA CONE IN YOUR POCKET? OR ARE YOU JUST…BLESSED?”
8:40:01 A.M. - Lyle Lovett and Russ Kunkle finish the program as they started, with two unbelievably great tunes from Lyle’s new record, “RELEASE ME”. The I-Man welcomes Lyle back ‘Anytime’. And it’s not that phony kind of offer, you know, ‘Hey, the door’s always open’…kind of deal you really don’t mean, you’re just trying to be polite…and dammit if the bastard doesn’t show up, making you have to come up with some excuse about how you are just about to go in for Cataract surgery…Imus genuinely MEANS it. “I’m serious…don’t even call, just show up…we’ll throw somebody else off…we don’t care.” We’re down for that. Maybe on a morning when Terry Francona or Bethenny Frankel is a guest…not that they ever will be booked again…but…you get the drift.
“UM…LYLE LOVETT JUST SHOWED UP…GET OUT.”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
IN OUR DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO FIND OUT JUST EXACTLY WHY THE I-MAN HAS SUCH AN AFFINITY FOR CHRIS BERMAN, (WE DON’T THINK THE ‘FAT’ THING IS REALLY ENOUGH) WE HAVE UNEARTHED A CLIP THAT MIGHT SHED SOME LIGHT ON THE MYSTERY. UPON VIEWING SAID CLIP, WE CAN KINDA SEE WHERE THEY MIGHT BE KINDRED SPIRITS: