6:05:00 a.m. – The I-Man, true professional that he is, has pulled himself from his sick bed, where he is recuperating from throat surgery, to host the program this morning…because Shooter Jennings and the band are in today and he has a deep commitment to all of his ‘Peeps’ out there in Listening Land. Thankfully, due to God, the genius of Dr. Peekaboo Wu, and the medical miracle known as Vicodin, he is not in pain…however, the results of the surgery are…not pretty. In fact, listening to him speak, you’d swear he was going through puberty. The 72 year old Radio Legend with the iconic voice… has taken to the airways sounding like Susan Saint James.
PROMO STILL FROM CLASSIC 90’S SITCOM, ‘KATE AND ALLIE’
6:10:17 a.m. – Imus is soldiering through the morning because of his fondness and appreciation for Shooter. He relates a story about his experiences as an up and coming DJ… “You know, in the old days, the artists used to have little presents for the Jock to show their appreciation…I don’t feel well enough for hookers, so let’s get straight to the cocaine.” We agree…it would be somewhat awkward and embarrassing to be in a bed with a prostitute…when we’re still waiting for his other testicle to drop.
6:31:42 a.m. – Shooter and the boys play the first song off their new album “The Other Life”, called “Hard Lesson To Learn.” It’s SMOKIN’! We are almost as grateful to the boss for coming in to do the program this morning as the band is. Not a bad way to start off a morning. The drummer is amazing. In short, the ‘Anti-Ringo’.
DRUMMER’S EYE VIEW. THIS ‘CAT’ ‘COOKS’ AND IS TOTALLY ‘IN THE POCKET’ (WANT SOME MORE HEPCAT MUSICIAN TALK?)
6:55:18 a.m. – Tony notices that Imus has painted ONE fingernail, the thumb on his right hand. We are somewhat surprised at his choice however, as we expected the middle to be the one to which he would want to draw attention…you know, for his customary ‘salute’. He says the polishing of the fingernail is for ‘good luck’ as it’s his ‘stopwatch finger.’ Cue the James Bond music… “Gollllldfeeeengah…he’s the man…the man with the broken lung…and wayward tongue….he’s full of dung… feengah…
“I’M SORRY, BUT…YOU MUMBLED YOUR MATERIAL, MR. BOND…I CANNOT ALLOW THAT. THIS LASER WILL SLICE YOU IN HALF IN APPROXIMATELY THREE MINUTES…GOOD MORNING TO YOU.”
7:02:58 a.m. – The I-Man mentions that ‘Yogi’ is the ‘Best driver ever.’ That is, of course, unless he sees a Pick-A-Nick Basket. Hey Boo Boo! All Hell is about to break loose!
STRANGELY, THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO BRANT
7:39:17 a.m. – Neil Cavuto is on. Imus accuses him of “Not bringing his ‘A’ game.” We don’t agree, but the I-Man isn’t really operating at his full capacity, as his legendary superpowers are somewhat dulled due to the effects of his throat surgery.
FRED MCMURRAY, ROB, CHIP AND ‘CAVUTO’ FROM ‘MY THREE SONS’
8:11:34 a.m. – Imus takes half a Vicodin. We wonder how long it will take before it kicks in. Not long, it seems, as about 3 minutes to the second later, he calls Shooter Jennings … ‘Scooter’. As if Mr. Jennings was some Sophomore from a Prep School in Greenwich, Connecticut.
THIS IS “SCOOTER”
THIS IS “SHOOTER”
(WE SUGGEST HE PUT THE ‘O’ BACK IN COUNTRY, BECAUSE WHERE THAT REVOLVER IS POINTING, HE’LL SOON HAVE TO PUT HIS NUT BACK IN THE SACK)
8:18:34 a.m. – Seeing as how the I-Man’s voice is very strained, we offer to interview Shooter for him. However, we quickly discover that interviewing is a skill that is not easy to perform, let alone master as well as Imus does. We come up with a list of questions, the first being what Shooter thinks about all this Gun Control talk with the Obama administration. Yes. We actually think nobody knows what this man’s position on the 2nd amendment is. He’s got a tattoo of a Colt Peacemaker down his left forearm…and his effing name is SHOOTER for Christ’s sake. We are not that bright.
“…AND I GOT A CLIP OF .44 CALIBER SHELLS TATOOED ON MY…OH, LEMME JUST SHOW YOU”
8:23:45 a.m. – Imus asks Shooter “What was it like singing with Nancy Griffin?” “Oh, it was great working with ‘PATTY’.” Yes, the Vicodin has DEFINITELY kicked in. Imus then introduces our musical guest for a set of 3 songs in a row. “Please welcome…Phil Rizzuto.”
WE HAVE PRINTED THE FOLLOWING LITTLE GUIDE ONTO AN INDEX CARD ESPECIALLY FOR THE I-MAN SO HE WON’T GET CONFUSED ANY MORE
PATTY GRIFFIN (L) NANCI GRIFFITH (R)
ANDY GRIFFIN PETER GRIFFIN
8:27:45 a.m. – Imus’ voice has now spilled over into the category where you could actually consider it ‘cute’. We beg him to call a pharmacy to ask if they ‘Sell rubbers there.’ We now know why the Vienna Boys’ Choir used to castrate their sopranos. Just so there would be no embarrassing, voice-cracking moments during the “Hallelujah Chorus”.
SEBASTIAN WALDSTÄTTEN, ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS CASTRATIS IN HISTORY WE AREN’T SURE, BUT WE THINK THE CHERUB UNDERNEATH HIS LEGS IS HOLDING HIS TESTICLES
8:43:17 A.M. - Shooter closes out a killer set with ‘Wake Up’, a song off his legendary concept album ‘Black Ribbons’, which has been described by the website BloodyAwful.com as ‘The Allman Brothers meets Pink Floyd … a mind-blowing opus that completely obliterates genre distinctions where twanging dobros co-exist with Nintendo Chipsets and surreal psychedelic soundscapes float above smoking slabs of whiskey-soaked southern soul…an electrifying thrill ride across a dense, dark and gloriously decadent musical landscape.” That’s about right. No insipid, Nudie Suit, Rhinestone Cowboy crap here, folks. The song has the lyric ‘Life is a movie, don’t let them edit you out.’ We couldn’t agree more, however, there are times when we think that in the movie of life…somebody else dubs in your voice.
IF YOUR LIFE RESEMBLES THIS MOVIE…YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT BEING EDITED OUT
VIDEO OF THE DAY
AS A TRIBUTE TO THE I-MAN, HIS DEDICATION TO HIS MILLIONS OF FANS, AND AS A TESTAMENT TO THE COMMITMENT HE HAS MADE TO BE THERE EVERY MORNING, NO MATTER HOW SICK OR IN PAIN HE MAY BE…
(AND A NOD TO HIS ADORABLE POST-SURGICAL VOICE)
WE OFFER THIS CLASSIC CLIP FROM ONE OF THE MOST ICONIC EPISODES OF THE WORLD’S GREATEST SITCOM, ‘THE BRADY BUNCH’