6:05:00 a.m. – Gunz is filling in for Bernard this morning, who is home sick. So the “Bernie Briefing” will now be “The Gunz Report”…as in: “a sharp explosive sound (especially the sound of a gun firing)” This is a great opportunity for the young, ambitious, broadcasting ‘up n’ comer’…and so we are somewhat suspicious that we may have an ‘All About Eve’ situation here. Where the Understudy uses Machiavellian techniques to create a scenario in which he or she can shine. We wonder if Gunz provided Bernie with a Flu-Laden cup of coffee last week. In sports, it would be akin to the tale of ‘Wally Pipp’, who was a Yankee First Baseman, who showed up to the stadium one afternoon with a headache and was replaced by a rookie known as ‘Lou Gehrig.’ Who is Wally Pipp, you ask? Exactly.
IF HE’D JUST TAKEN AN ASPIRIN, HE’D BE IN THE HALL O’ FAME TODAY
6:07:17 a.m. – We learn that Dagen did not watch her husband ‘Rollo’, (Not his real name) on the very fine Bulls n’ Bears program on Fox Business this weekend. When we press her on the subject back in the Green Room, she says, “What’s the big deal? I’m on the TeeVee every damn mornin’. He doesn’t watch me. Because the Imus show is on opposite cartoons.
“ROLLO” WOULD RATHER PLAY WII… THAN WATCH HIS WIFE ON THE TV
6:08:27 a.m. – Connell does a story about the baby born with HIV who was, apparently, cured of the disease…causing the I-Man to note: “Don’t want no Junkie Babies…baby.” He stops short of giving Blind Mississippi White Boy Pig Feets Dupris the order to write a Blues song with that title, which is good, because it would be difficult to find rhymes for ‘AIDS’.
‘FEETS’ IN THE STUDIO
6:37:12 a.m. – It’s ‘Bo Monday’, and “The Dietl” doesn’t disappoint. He references the ‘Se-question’. To which, apparently, he has ‘Se-Answer’. He also wants to know if Imus and Connell, ‘Play Twitter’…as if it was a video game. It’s not, and we know that for a fact, as if it were, ‘Rollo’ would be playing it in the morning instead of watching Dagen.
7:02:44 a.m. – There seems to be a little bit of tension between Dagen and Warner. Warner takes exception to ESPN treating the Dennis Rodman/Kim Jon Un thing as a ‘Sports Story’. Dagen suggests that because Rodman went over to North Korea with the Harlem Globetrotters it sort of IS a Sports Story. Warner sneers dismissively. We want to warn Warner. You do NOT want to get into it with Dagen. Or we will be ‘Going to the Videotape’ as ‘Exhibit A’ in the Assault trial. The videotape where you get your testicles handed to you.
GREGORY HINES WASN’T A EUNUCH UNTIL HE MET DAGEN
7:07:16 a.m. – Dagen and Imus argue about Danica Patrick, who, the I-Man maintains, “Doesn’t believe she can win.” Unfortunately, in this argument it is DAGEN who can’t win…despite the fact that she believes she can. The Boss turns off her microphone…which he says ‘Rollo’ wishes he could do.
SOON TO BE INSTALLED IN THE MCDOWELL APARTMENT
7:37:59 a.m. – Michael Riedel is on…star of the NBC smash… ‘Smash’. Um…well, he’s not exactly the ‘Star’…then again, it’s not exactly a ‘Smash’ either. So, it’s pretty much, a wash.
MICHAEL REIDEL PORTRAYING A VISCIOUS, SNARKY THEATER COLUMNIST. REALLY STRETCHING HIS ACTING MUSCLE
8:05:18 a.m. – Imus promotes the upcoming appearance of Fox News’ Bret Baier…and that he believes the man’s News Reporting is not biased at all, despite what the MSNBC, NBC, CBS, ABC and Al Jazeera junkies would maintain. The I-Man does say, however, that although it could be possible that Mr. Baier was ‘Rockin’ a sheet somewhere’, it doesn’t affect his professional objectivity.
BRETT BAIER: “SORRY I’M LATE FOR THE MEETING, FELLAS!”
8:16:23 a.m. – Gunz, who has been in for Bernard all morning, obviously was taken by surprise when informed that he would be on camera for four ‘Briefings’ this morning…which explains why he is allowing himself to be shot wearing a shirt that looks as if it came from Howdy Doody’s Garage Sale, and sporting a haircut that he obviously had done during a power surge. Dagen, normally a fan of Gunz’, says that not even SHE wouldn’t ‘Hit That’.
GUNZ HAS BEEN DOING A GREAT JOB ALL MORNING…BUT HE AIN’T ‘MAKIN’ IT MOVE’ FOR DAGEN
8:37:45 a.m. – Bret Baier says he “Just got off the Red Eye.” Sleep-Deprived is not the way to start your week off when you have an on-air interview with the I-Man.
BRET? HELLO? BRET? BRET!! WAKE UP!!!!
9:05:13 a.m. - Connell has video of a new crimefighter in London…a British Man who is dispensing Vigilante Justice dressed…as Batman. Problem is, he doesn’t exactly have a ‘Caped Crusader’ kind of body…
HOLY SALAD BAR, BATMAN!
VIDEO OF THE DAY:
IN HONOR OF GUNZ WE OFFER THIS CELEBRATION OF