6:05:00 a.m. – There is jubilance in the Fox Business TV Studios…but no joy over at the WABC Radio facility, Carley Shimkus, our Associate Producer, is, now, officially “taken”, much to the chagrin of ‘Gunz’ Gunzelman. Although Carley has been dating her fiancée for the better part of two years, Gunz was under the impression he ‘Still had a shot’. ROB had a better chance with Carley than Gunz did. They say ‘Hope is the thing with feathers.’ We would disagree, believing that Hulk Hogan’s Boa is the thing with feathers, but you can’t fault Gunz for his ceaseless optimism.
SORRY BOYS…SHE’S ENGAGED
6:07:17 a.m. – Imus has changed his tune, and has pledged his undying love and support for Tiger Woods…not only does he “…root for him…I root for the other people to miss.” Which is a situation that the I-Man knows all too well. Not only do his enemies hope they do better than him…they hope he dies.
“IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN…REFUSE HIS SUPPORT?”
6:3727 a.m. – Father Jonathan Morris is on to discuss the Vatican…duh. It’s not like he’s in to talk about March Madness…although he is somewhat ‘crazy’ this morning. Having forgotten his clerical collar, he was forced to improvise and use a substitute. Which, it turns out, is a Pope Francis Trading Card.
BATS LEFT…BLESSES RIGHT
7:05:44 a.m. – Imus has great empathy for gays who want to get married. There’s a pair of lesbians down in Texas with whom he is on a casually friendly basis, he’s not sure how old they are…probably because ‘Crack don’t Crack’. He is STAUNCHLY in favor of Gay Marriage…he is actually quite touchingly passionate in his zeal for their right to happiness. Which isn’t a surprise, as…if there’s anybody who is sensitive to the desires of lesbians….it’s this old lesbian.
THE I-MAN: PROUD SUPPORTER OF GAY MARRIAGE
7:37:59 a.m. – Melanie Bloom is on to discuss Deep Vein Thrombosis. As attractive as she is, we were somewhat disappointed to learn that ‘Deep Vein Thrombosis’ isn’t what we thought it was…it actually has to do with a medical condition that involves blood clots…and not…well, a ‘Deep Vein’.
NOT THE KIND OF ‘SWELLING’ WE HAD IMAGINED
8:05:18 a.m. – We learn that Buzz Bissinger has…um…a ‘shopping problem.’ Apparently, he’s a shopaholic…but that’s not the worst of his problems…he is a big fan of leather clothing…and has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on it…but even THAT’S not the the worst of his problems. Some of the clothing he purchases…and WEARS…is…um…women’s.
BUZZ ‘FEELING PRETTY’ WE’RE NOT GONNA LIE…HE LOOKS PRETTY DAMN GOOD IN THAT LEATHER CAT COSTUME
8:14:23 a.m. – After having his heart broken by Carley this morning, Gunz has set his sights on Liz Cho. He doesn’t even stand a chance with MARGARET Cho.
“GUNZ? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’D PUT A REAL ONE IN MY MOUTH BEFORE I EVEN CONSIDERED THAT!”
8:17:23 a.m. – Joseph Abboud takes exception with Imus’ assessment of how he looks in clothing. Apparently, Joseph doesn’t look good in ‘Men’s Clothes’…which, lucky for him, isn’t a problem.
WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THE I-MAN IS TALKING ABOUT. WE THINK JOE LOOKS ‘FABULOUS’
8:37:45 a.m. – Stuart Taylor is on to discuss Prop 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act. He is a fascinating interview, which is saying a lot, considering it takes place on the same morning that we hear Carley is engaged and Buzz Bissinger likes to wear Leather Bustiers.
“OKE-A-LEE DOKE-A-LEE, I-MAN…BUT THE LORD ISN’T IN FAVOR OF SAME SEX UNIONS…”
9:05:45 a.m. – It’s Diana Ross’ birthday, and the I-Man relates a disturbing story…apparently, he and Ms. Ross spent an evening drinking together at the La Semana resort in St. Maarten. We wonder if Diana remembers that night, and, if she would like to do it again sometime…or go back in time to undo the first time. We are thinking the latter…because ‘Ain’t NO Mountain High Enough’ to keep the I-Man far enough away from her…
“OH MY GOD…I JUST SAW HIM IN A BATHING SUIT!”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
In Honor of Buzz Bissinger’s Fashion Sense