6:03:40 a.m. – Apparently, upon stopping at a traffic light while driving past the WABC TV Studios on the Upper West Side, Dr. Bill Evans ran up to the I-Man’s Platinum I-scalade like a Teenybopper jumping on the hood of the Beatles limo in front of the Plaza in 1964. Or like Deirdre Imus, with her Moby Worm Lunchbox, excitedly greeting the Ice Cream Truck. Until she finds out he doesn’t have any Tutti Frutti Tofutti Pops. Dr. Bill is lucky that Imus still isn’t ‘Carrying’. Or there’d be some bloodstains on the weathermap this morning. He’d be wounded with a 30% chance of death.
THAT’S NOT YOGURT ON HIS RAINCOAT
6:05:00 a.m. – Imus reports that the Wy-Man won EVERYTHING. He took the championship in every one of the three events in which he entered at the District 9 Regional Finals in Crockett, Texas: Tie Down, Team Roping and Ribbon Roping…receiving THREE Saddles and THREE Gold Belt Buckles. He’s going to the State Championships in May, with a chance at going to the Nationals. If he keeps this up…Imus might actually be able to retire.
…AND HIS FATHER CAN’T EVEN TIE HIS OWN SHOES…
6:12:17 a.m. – The I-Man weighs in on “That punk, Hamid Karzai… The dude has more capes than James Brown. Why can’t we send Leif Babin or Mike Baker over there to take care of the evil little bastard?”
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT’S STAR TIME…THE HARDEST WORKING DICTATOR IN CENTRAL ASIA, ‘MR. DYNAMITE’…(BECAUSE HE’S ACTUALLY WEARING IT ON HIS BELT)…’MR. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE’, (BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THE PEOPLE HE TORTURES SAY) PLEASE WELCOME…THE ONE, THE ONLY, HAMID KARZAI!”
6:25:27 a.m. – Todd Snider is here, providing some of his GENIUS songwriting skills. He sings a song about The Kingsmen’s ‘Louie Louie’ and it’s controversial effect on the youth of America. Not a bad way to start the week.
DO THESE YOUNG, FRESH-FACED FELLOWS LOOK LIKE DEGENERATES TO YOU?
6:37:12 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on talking about Arby’s, the fast food chain for which he is TV spokesperson, and meets the I-Man’s disdain about Roast Beef Sandwiches being unhealthy with a Bo-Ism: “What, am I supposed to be like you, eating Yak?”
A YAK SANDWICH. YOU WON’T FIND THIS AT ARBY’S
7:02:44 a.m. – The I-Man reiterates the show’s policy. Unlike Fox, ‘We Report, You Decide’, ‘We Decide…then Report It. You have nothing to do with it, so don’t send us any effing e-mails.’
THE NEW ‘IMUS ON FOX’ BUMPER STICKER
7:27:59 a.m. – Todd Snider sings another song about a buddy of his from East Nashville, ‘A quiet little drinking town with a musician problem.’ We’re moving tomorrow.
EAST NASHVILLE: POPULATION GOES UP BY 2
7:37:59 a.m. – Richard Haass, the President of the Council on Foreign Relations, and not the guy with the Avocados, is on to discuss Karzai. He agrees that we should send Mike Baker or Leif Babin or some Covert Navy Seal to ‘Sanction’ the evil little bastard. Okay, not in so many words, but we are reading between the lines, and it’s certainly OUR position.
RICHARD HAASS…AND HIS ‘MINI ME’, SETH GREEN
8:05:18 a.m. – In a rare, introspective moment, the I-Man tells a story about someone he is hiring who was recommended by someone else…and along with the reference came the warning: “She’s a lesbian”. Imus does not understand why a person’s sexual orientation should have ANYTHING to do with the character of a person. He doesn’t care whether she’s a lesbian or not. He’s perfectly fine with that…having been outed as a lesbian himself a number of years ago, holding #21 in the ‘TOP 25 MEN WHO LOOK LIKE OLD LESBIANS’ list from Cracked Magazine. And, to be honest, if being lesbian means enjoying sensible shoes and having sex with women…we are proud lesbians ourselves.
MARTINA IN THE MORNING
8:25:23 a.m. – Imus shares a story about one of the woman at the Post Rodeo celebration at Margarita’s Restaurant in Crockett Texas last Saturday Night, who is ‘The funniest person I ever met.’ Apparently, the woman used to work in a gynecologist’s office, and after a number of years, quit because, in her words ‘Vaginas are ugly.’ We guess you had to be there. One thing’s for sure…she’s obviously not a lesbian.
C’MON…COULD YOU EVER SAY THAT’S UGLY?
8:45:44. – Todd Snider tells an incredible story about Jerry Jeff Walker, in which, he witnessed a homeless street musician, way past closing time, perform Walker’s iconic song ‘Mr. Bojangles’, unbeknownst that he was singing it for the man who wrote it. What Jerry Jeff and Todd Snider were unaware of…the guy was actually named ‘Mr. Bojangles.’ Irony? Coincidence? Nope. That’s just what happens after closing time.
“HEY! HOW ABOUT YOU PUT SOME OF THAT MONEY YOU MADE OFF THAT SONG IN THE DAMN CUP?”
VIDEO OF THE DAY:
WE OFFER, BY WAY OF SETH MCFARLANE, WHO WE WOULD SEND OVER TO AFGHANISTAN TO TAKE CARE OF THAT DOG KARZAI