6:05:00 a.m. – We always look forward to the first proclamation of the day. This morning, it is the following: “All weather people are out of their minds.”
WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THE I-MAN IS TALKING ABOUT, THIS MAN IS CLEARLY A TRAINED PROFESSIONAL
6:09:47 a.m. – The I-Man is now getting called for TV parts and commercials. Apparently, there’s an outfit that would like him to be the spokesperson for investing in precious metals, and the producers of ‘The Office’ want him to play a part…he has declined both. Rob wants to know if the people at ‘The Office’ would like someone to PLAY Imus, playing a part.
6:10:17 a.m. – We learn that our top of the hour Business Anchor, Diane Macedo is getting married. Those of you Die Hard I-Fans will remember Diane as the lead singer of ‘Tribeca Rhythm’, the winner of the Imus in the Morning Battle of the Bands from a few years ago. She and her fiancée will be tying the knot in London, as he is British…and she is flying the band across the pond to perform at the reception. She, however, will not be singing, as she will be busy performing her Bride duties…plus, that would be a little weird; A Wedding Singer singing at her own Wedding. That would be like a Moyle doing his own circumcision.
“HOLD THE BABY STILL WHILE I DO MYSELF FIRST.”
6:15:27 a.m. – Warner gives his Oscar picks and GUARANTEES that Lincoln will win Best Picture, Daniel Day Lewis Best Actor, and Tommy Lee Jones Best Supporting. If he is wrong, he will then have his ‘Guarantee Card’ revoked. Although Daniel Day Lewis will win for his portrayal of The Great Emancipator, and Tommy Lee Jones will win for his role as abolitionist, Congressman Thaddeus Stevens, and we believe Spielberg will take the Best Director statue… ‘Argo’ is a lock for Best Picture. Turn your sets off right there.
“IF YOU HAD LINCOLN SCORING LESS THAN 24 POINTS…YOU LOST!”
6:29:44 a.m. – Bernie has been playing clips from Comedy Central’s Anthony Chiseldick, whose material the I-Man has clearly been enjoying. We have, too. We just wonder what the over/under is before Imus starts saying things like… ‘Why can’t you two bastards be that funny?’
“Oscar Pistorious won't be able to talk his way out of this one. Some people just can't think on their feet.”
7:05:12 a.m. – Geraldo promos his radio program with the following: “Does the case against ‘The Blade Runner’ have legs?” Um…that’d be like Pat O’Brien saying… “The People Vs. Larry Flynt…rolls on.”
“PAT O’BRIEN IS AN @$$HOLE”
7:16:12 a.m. – Warner says ‘Amour’ is one of the most depressing films he’s ever seen…about an 80 year old woman who has a stroke and her husband euthanizes her with a pillow. Turn your ventilators off there!
“C’MON HONEY…IT’S BEDTIME.”
7:22:44 a.m. – We learn that our adored Stage Manager, Nat Candido, is ‘Looking for Love’…on Match.com. With the hours he keeps and the standards he has, it’s difficult for him to ‘Meet People’, but given our deep affection for him, we desperately want him to have a Fairy Tale Romance. So we take up a collection to insure that, at the very least…he can get a ‘Happy Ending’.
C’MON, LADIES! THIS MAN IS SWEET, FUNNY, HAS A JOB… A HEART AS BIG AS STATEN ISLAND…A JOB…NO KIDS….A JOB…AND WILL TREAT YOU LIKE A QUEEN…(AFTER HE COMES HOME FROM HIS JOB)…PLUS, HE’S A HUNKY DUDE WITH A PENIS LIKE A CAN OF PEPSI (DID WE MENTION THAT HE HAS A JOB?)
8:03:32 a.m. - During the break, Imus speaks to our favorite Crazy Weatherperson, Dr. Bill Evans…and it appears that he is having some ‘Sexy Talk’ with the ABC “Meterolxgphsytsveftist”. “Hey Bill…what’re you wearing?” “Nipple clamps and a Pirate Hat.” “What’re YOU wearing, Cowboy?”
“I LOVE IT WHEN YOU TALK SEXY I-MAN…I FEEL A WARM FRONT COMING ON.”
8:12:18 a.m. – Connell reports on a death row inmate in Texas whose last words were, “Let’s go, Warden”. The I-Man approves. We speculate on what HIS final words will be…so far, leading the pack is, “Hey, Wyatt…what the hell are you doing with that My Pillow?”
“YOU WANT ME TO FLUFF THAT FOR YOU, DADDY?”
8:31:23 a.m. – Bob Beckel, our guest, reveals that on this afternoon’s edition of the ‘The Five’, the panel will be discussing The Oscars, a conversation he will be taking part in, despite the fact that he’s not seen ANY of the nominated films. In fact, he hasn’t been to a movie since ‘Seabiscuit’. And he only saw that because he thought it was about a Naval Caterer. We love Bob…he wears suspenders better than Larry King, and will say “&%$^” at the drop of a dime… because he’s too fat to bend over to pick it up.
“I’D GO SEE ‘LINCOLN’ IN THE THEATER…IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE FACT THAT IT WOULD MAKE ME WISH THAT I WAS LINCOLN IN THE THEATER.”
9:05:45 a.m. – Imus again announces Diane Macedo’s impending nuptials, and remarks that he’s extremely happy that her fiancée is attractive. “That way we won’t have any jug-eared babies…because there ARE some ugly babies out there.”
THE LOVE CHILD OF FRANK LUTZ & ANDREA MITCHELL
VIDEO OF THE DAY:
THE VERY FUNNY ANTHONY CHISELDICK