6:05:12 – Today is a very special day on the Imus in the Morning Program…a joyful day for a couple of people who we dearly love…who are among our favorite people on the planet…and we could not be happier for them. Delbert and the Band will be part of ‘Imus at Night’ on December 5th at the Mohegan Sun. Oh yeah…Bigfoot and Alyce are getting married tonight.
“I KNOW I’M GOING TO REGRET THIS…BUT I MIGHT GET ANOTHER BLUES SONG OUT OF IT.”
6:07:14 – The I-Man waxes nostalgic about the 12 years that he’s known Bigfoot and Alyce, who were with us ever since the MSNBC days, and have been loyal staff members, manning the booth, in every Television incarnation we have ever been associated with. We are looking forward to celebrating this joyous event with both of them…partly because of how much we love them both…but mostly because The Boss won’t be attending. By ‘The Boss’, we don’t mean Springsteen, despite the fact that the wedding will be held in New Jersey.
WE THINK THAT REFERRING TO ALYCE AS A LUMBERJACK IS VERY MISLEADING
6:17:34 – Warner tries to pull a fast one, claiming that a ‘tie’ is a ‘win’. Not according to Vito ‘The Butcher of Bologna’ Capobianco, who is an ‘expert’ on such things…and who is more than happy to ‘explain’ it to him.
“IF YOU HAD A ‘TIE’…YOU LOST!”
6:40:13 – Paul Begala is on, and according to the I-Man, is the Spin MASTER. At any given moment, he can provide an interpretation to persuade public opinion in favor for whomever he is an apologist at the time. He could turn Hitler into ‘A Misunderstood Romantic…With a Dream.’
HE KNOWS WHEN YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING…
6:47:22 – Begala ends all speculation about whether or not Chris Christie is going to run. He assures us it will DEFINITELY happen. He hasn’t announced yet, but, not unlike the Governor eventually walking into a Dunkin Donuts…it’s only a matter of time.
“TIME TO EAT THE DONUTS…”
7:05:12 – The I-Man asks a pertinent question: “What time is sunrise?” Usually the time when the sun comes up. We’ll try to look up the actual time for you…but we’ll need to take our sunglasses off because there’s so much glare in the studio.”
LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE SAYS: “IT’LL COME OUT TOMORROW”
7:15:46 – Deirdre sents a frantic text to the I-Man. Apparently there is a dead, white bird on their terrace. It fell out of the sky in front of her…and it has no head. This sounds like the pre-credits sequence of a ‘Law & Order: Special Victims Unit’ episode. The D-Woman, understandably, sounded a little freaked out by the incident. A white bird, probably a Dove of Peace, dead on the terrace of the Imus Penthouse? Sounds like a suicide, to us.
IN ISLAMIC DREAM INTERPRETATION, A WHITE BIRD RESEMBLES YOUR ‘WORK IS CLEAN’, IF IT’S ‘BEHEADED’, IT MEANS… ‘DON’T BUY GREEN BANANAS OR RENEW YOUR MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS’
7:40:37 – Another exciting edition of ‘Vinnie From Queens’, the Sports Forum with Tony, Warner, Gunz and Lou. Gunz, in light of the train wreck that he called his hairstyle on yesterday’s ‘Mensa Meeting’, chose wisely when he groomed for today’s appearance: He wore a hat. A knit, wool watchcap. Which, unfortunately, looked like an fully unrolled condom on his head. This kid has the fashion sense of Jose Feliciano.
UNFORTUNATELY…THIS PROPHYLACTIC WON’T PROTECT YOU FROM…HIS THOUGHTS
8:02:15 – Given the success of “Blonde on Blonde”, “Mensa Meeting” and “Vinnie From Queens”, Dr. Bill Evans suggests a new segment, featuring himself, Al Roker and Lloyd Lindsay Young, called “What’s Up With That Cold Front.”
WE THINK A SEGMENT FEATURING ‘THE WEATHERMEN’ WOULD BE FASCINATING
8:02:45 – The I-Man has his own suggestion for a new feature on the program: “Celebrity Divorce Court.” ARCANE REFERENCE ALERT.
DR. BILL MAKES A GUEST STARRING APPEARANCE ON IMUS’ NEW SHOW
8:18:27 – In Warner’s Sports Report, he is disturbed about a story in which a Beaumont, Texas, Assistant Math Teacher knocked out a 4 foot 11 inch, eighth grade student for teasing him about his favorite sports team losing. The I-Man’s take? What do YOU think? “Hey, how about keeping your mouth shut there, Tiny? Where’s your effing homework?”
THE ‘THREE R’S’: ‘
“READIN’, RITIN’…AND RASSLIN’”
8:40:13 – Matt Taibbi is on to talk about the idiotic behavior of the media, handicapping the 2016 Presidential Race when it’s still so far off. He shares the joyous news that he is about to be a new dad. It’s a boy, and appears to be a chip off the old block. He’s not even born yet and he’s writing a column for The New York Times.
TAIBBI JUNIOR IN THE FAMILY BUSINESS:
“THE CONUNDRUM EXTANT IN THE WORKPLACE REMAINS THE RHETORICAL QUESTION ‘WHAT DOES ONE CALL A CO-WORKER?’ THE ANSWER BROUGHT FROM ACADEMIA TO THE POLITICAL WORLD BY HENRY KISSINGER AND NOW BANDIED ABOUT IN THE BOARDROOM IS ‘COLLEAGUE’. IT HAS A NICE UPPER-EGALITARIAN FEEL, RELATED TO THE GOOD FELLOWHIP OF COLLEGIAL, AND DOES NOT BELIE THE FACT THAT, IN MY CASE, THE COLLEAGUES ARE ALL SITTING IN A PILE OF THEIR OWN FECAL MATTER.”