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    Monday
    Jan072013

    Rollin Out the Crazy Carpet for Dagen McDowell's Birthday!

    6:05: a.m. –     “I’m not here to change your mind about anything.  I’m here to unload my mind about everything. “  The I-Man begins the program and the week paraphrasing the great Todd Snider.

    TODD SNIDER:  ACTUALLY, HIS MIND IS PRETTY LOADED

    6:06:17: a.m.  –    The Boss is on a 3 Day Juice Cleanse which began yesterday.  We’re not quite sure of what his body needs to be cleansed, the man doesn’t eat anything but twigs and pebbles.  But Deirdre put him on it, and, if we were him, we would be cleansing too, lest she beat on us like a Wack A Mole game.  He’s about half way through the program, and, so far, we can’t see any adverse effects.  But the morning is still young.  Blood sugar levels should plunge right around the 7:30 half hour.  Stay tuned.

    MMMMM MMMMM GOOD.

    6:11:12a.m. –    “I have nothing to cleanse”, proclaims Imus.  We agree.  At least his body doesn’t need purifying.  We wonder if there’s any kind of mental ‘Wash’ available.  We look forward to the end of the ‘cleanse’, when he opens his mouth on a breezy day and his ass whistles like a freight train.

    “YOU HEAR THAT?  SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY’S PRETTY CLEANSED”

    6:13:37a.m. –  It’s Dagen McDowell’s Birthday.  This 54 Year Old doesn’t look anywhere near her age.  It’s a combination of diet, exercise and good Genes.  And we don’t mean Pitney, Krupa, or Hackman.

    ANOTHER ‘GOOD GENE’ WHO HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH DAGEN

    6:37:25 a.m. – It’s Bo Dietl Monday.  And he suggests that we should let old, retired detectives work in public schools to act as security guards and counselors.  Let us ask you the following:  Let us postulate what it would look like if Bo were to provide this service at your daughter’s Middle School and she says the following:   “Tommy who sits next to me in Math Class says that he wants to ‘Pounditate’ Sally…I told him he needs to control is Johnsonitation.”  

    “OFFICER CARSON TAUGHT US HOW TO GET DONUTS WITHOUT PAYING FOR THEM”

    7:05:12 a.m. –  Imus bemoans the fact that neither Deirdre, nor Wyatt would listen to Springsteen’s live version of “Jersey Girl” over the weekend, and so, an enamored with ‘The Boss’ Rendition, the I-Man says that now WE have to listen to it.  It could be worse.  They could have refused to listen to Terry Bradshaw’s Christmas Record.  We don’t think we are strong enough to sit through THAT again. 

    WE FIND IT DIFFICULT TO BELIEVE THAT BRUCE

    WOULD HAVE BEEN INSPIRED BY THIS JERSEY GIRL

    7:08:18 a.m. –  Imus complains that Deirdre doesn’t think him doing the Juice Fast while he has to work is a bad idea, and he maintains it’s because she doesn’t have to expend any energy as  he does, to do a radio and television program.  Bernard says that she also didn’t ‘Drink a half gallon of Vodka a day and Snort half of Peru  back in the 80’s’.    The I-Man protests that all his ‘Little friends in Texas’ need to know about his Substance Abuse Problems.  Dagen reminds him that “If a Mall Santa in New Mexico knows…everybody knows.”

    HE KNOWS IF YOU’VE BEEN BAD OR GOOD…

    7:19:44 a.m. –   Imus mentions Joe Tacopina’s appearance on Jeanine Piro’s program, “Justice with Judge Jeanine”, and observes that both of them have had ‘Work Done’.  Bernard protests, saying that Judge Piro is “Hooooooo-oooooot!”   Dagen agrees…she gives “Her Honor” the “I’d Hit That” seal of approval.  Excuse us for a couple of minutes while we conjure that image.   Happy Birthday to….US!

    DAGEN AND THE JUDGE…NOW THAT’S  ‘COMMUNITY SERVICE’

    7:39:15 a.m. –   Anthony Mason is on. Not the former Knicks Forward, even though he maintains that he’s more of an NBA fan than a football fan.  We kind of wish he WAS the former Knicks  Forward…at least he would have something interesting to talk about.

    THE ‘REAL’ ANTHONY MASON…LOOKING UP AT THE FISCAL CLIFF

    8:05:36 a.m. –  Imus continues hammering Joe Tacopina and Jeanine Piro for their Cosmetic Augmentation. “Plastic Surgery never works out…it never looks better.”  What is he talking about?  Wayne Newton…Kenny Rogers…Bruce Jenner …they don’t look BETTER?

    WAYNE, KENNY AND BRUCE, THE NEW ASIAN POP GROUP, ‘2 WONG FU’

    8:07:28 a.m. –   Warner coins a new phrase ‘Moves on a dime.’  We know he means ‘Turns on a dime’…normally we would suggest that someone who was that ‘confused’ would have a problem, but Warner is ‘Fit as a Cello’, and this is just ‘Water Off A Pigeon’s Back’.

    8:25:57 a.m. – Gunz puts his ‘Guarantee’ Cred on the line by going ‘All In’ on Notre Dame, knowing full well that, should he be wrong, he will NEVER be able to Guarantee anything again.  Which is upsetting to Tony, because Gunz owes him for his Fantasy Football League…

    GUNZ ‘GUARANTEED’ THIS WOULD BE GOOD BY TUESDAY

    8:40:59 a.m. –  Jake Tapper is on to tell Imus why he moved to CNN.  Apparently, he thought that ‘This Week With George Stephanopolis’ should have been called ‘This Week With Jake Tapper’.  Yeah, Jake…you really showed ABC.  Leaving  Network Television to go to the lowest rated Cable News Channel.  How’s that working out for you, Jake?  Or should we just ask Jermaine Jackson?

    “HEY, MARLON?  TITO?  JACKIE?  MICHAEL? 

    I’M GONNA BE A BIG STAR ON MY OWN. YOU’LL SEE!”

    9:05:11a.m. –  Dagen describes how she chooses those on her ‘I’d Tap That’ List.  She says she likes them “A Little Dirty”.  Imus responds, “Well then, Tanya Tucker would be at the top of the list.”  Unless the Top Spot was already filled by either Courtney Love or Carmen Electra.

    WE WOULDN’T ‘HIT THAT’ IF IT WAS A PINATA

    9:07:22a.m. –  The I-Man is still whining about having to do this Juice Cleanse while he has to work, despite the fact that  Deirdre maintains that the company who provides the Organic Juice for the Cleanse, was ‘backed up’ and couldn’t deliver last Friday.  We’re not so sure we would want to get a ‘cleansing’ from a company that’s ‘backed up’. 

    WHEN YOU MELT THESE DOWN YOU CAN DRINK THEM JUST LIKE JUICE

    (WHAT DID YOU THINK WE WERE DOING WITH THEM?  SHOVING THEM UP OUR…?)

     

     VIDEO OF THE DAY:

    THE OFFICIAL TODD SNIDER YOU TUBE PAGE

    A SERIES OF VIDEOS BY THE GREAT MAN,

    INCLUDING THE ‘18 MINUTE’ SPEECH

    FROM WHICH THE I-MAN PARAPHRASED THIS MORNING

    http://www.youtube.com/user/officialtoddsnider