6:05:00 a.m. – The Front Page of the Post reports that Hall of Fame Quarterback Dan Marino has a seven year old love child. Which we all find somewhat unbelievable, as he has never been known to throw ‘Interceptions’.
“I’M DAN MARINO AND I TAKE FLEXCORE ‘JOINT’ SUPPORT. AND IT WORKED SO WELL ON MY JOINT…NOW I HAVE TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT.”
6:10:17 a.m. – Imus ordered the Deer Antler Spray. Cost a couple hundred bucks. And that’s without overnight shipping. We wonder if the ‘Doctor’ touting this stuff might be the same one the I-Man had a clandestine, ‘CASH ONLY’ meeting with in a Hotel Room.
“TRUST ME, I’M A DOCTOR…AND THAT’S MY NURSE OVER THERE. NOW DROP YOUR PANTS…”
6:10:27 a.m. - The I-Man has a pinched nerve in his left shoulder, and his Surgeon, one of the top Orthopedists in the country, Dr. Bronson, says that he needs to be on steroids for a few days to treat the excruciating pain. Unfortunately, he has a blood test scheduled for tomorrow to get his ‘levels’ checked. Dr. Katz, one of the top urologists in the country, says the steroids will have NO effect on the results. Deirdre, however, believes they will…and so, the I-Man is going to ‘suffer through’ the next 72 hours before starting his steroid therapy. Why? Because he’s not an idiot.
DR. KATZ DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE’S TALKING ABOUT
6:15:25 a.m. - While ‘Working Out’ his father, Wyatt says that he will “Punch you in the neck.” The I-Man finds it hysterical…because he knows that, with all the extra folds in his neck…it’s not going to hurt.
“BRING IT ON, WYATT…BRING IT ON.”
6:37:12 a.m. - Fox contributor, and terrorist expert, Lt. Col. Bill Cowan is the guest. He is a newlywed, having ‘tied the knot’ for the 3rd time, just last week. Which begs the question: “If he’s a terrorist expert…why the hell did he get married…AGAIN?” We would ask him that…if it weren’t for the fact that he looks like the kind of guy who would crush your windpipe…just for laughs.
“I LOVE THE SMELL OF WAFFLES IN THE MORNING…SMELLS LIKE…VICTORY.”
7:02:44 a.m. – Imus makes a statement: “The kids at the Ranch HATE Country Music.” Yeah, that’s it. The music. It has nothing to do with the cranky cowboy who keeps playing the same effing song over and over and over again, day after day after day… “Jesus…how many times do we have to hear PONTOON? It’s a boat…we get it.”
SOME OF THE KIDS FROM THE RANCH TRY TO MAKE A BREAK FOR IT…
7:09:15 a.m. – During the discussion of Dan Marino’s Paternity Issues, Warner says that it doesn’t bother him the former Dolphins Quarterback fathered an illegitimate child. Imus tells Warner to ask Mrs. Wolf how she would feel if Warner had sired a bastard. And by bastard we mean a child born out of wedlock…not a…um…forget it. There is some speculation that Warner could, actually, be Gunz’s father…which is just impossible. He’d have to be AT LEAST Gunz’s GRANDFATHER.
“GUNZ…I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU…WAWNUH ISS NOT YOUR FODDER…I AM. WHY DO YOU THINK WE CALLED YOU ‘GUNZ’?”
7:37:59 a.m. – “Bernie and the Brit”…Bernard and Imogen Lloyd Webber are on to ‘Debate the Isshes’. Imus makes the observation that she must weigh about 60 pounds…which means he couldn’t take her in a fistfight…not with his shoulder hurting like that.
THE BOSS TRAINS FOR THE ‘LLOYD-WEBBER/IMUS BOUT’
8:05:18 a.m. – “Desperation is an awful perfume”. Dagen with some Hillbilly Wisdom regarding Taylor Swift’s Reputation as a ‘Serial Dater’.
“CALVIN KLEIN’S ‘DESPERATION’…FOR WHEN EVEN A KENNEDY WON’T HAVE YOU.”
8:07:23 a.m. – Warner and Gunz are waiting until tomorrow to make their Superbowl Predictions, as they are waiting to see if any of the players get injured today during the media interviews. There’s no chance of that happening…unless one of them gets run over by Francesa’s motorcade.
“WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND…HOW COME THERE’S ONLY 12 COPS?”
8:17:23 a.m. – Imus asks us how he looks. We’re afraid it’s a trick question. We go for the insincerity, and say he looks ‘fabulous’, although we don’t think he looks any different than he does every morning. He than reveals he has no makeup on this morning. Really? You mean you look this bad when you have makeup on?
THE STEROIDS REALLY DO MAKE HIS FACE LOOK PUFFY
8:37:45 a.m. – Melissa Francis is the guest. We try to avoid eye-contact in the Green Room, as she definitely has ‘The Crazy Stare’. Last time we saw a look like that, it was in a Circus Sideshow, and it was on the guy who was biting the heads off chickens. This girl could ‘snap’ at any moment, and Tony and Rob will wind up being stuffed into mason jars.
“LAST THING I REMEMBER WAS, MELISSA WAS SHOWING ME A PASSAGE IN HER BOOK…”
8:41:39 a.m. – Melissa brings in a cowboy hat for the I-Man…looking for some type of approval, obviously, which, we sense, is a theme that began back when her abusive mother withheld affection. Imus dismisses the hat as not being authentic enough…which is just what Melissa’s mother used to say about some of her performances on ‘Little House On The Prairie’. I-Man shouldn’t have done that. He better not be thinking about taking a shower any time soon. We are about to start hearing some high-pitched, rapid-fire, violin notes. Melissa is gonna get all Norman Bates on him.
“AM I A GOOD GIRL, MOMMY?”
9:01:45 a.m. – A ‘Live’ Dr. Bill Evans says that now the rain has passed, there are Double Rainbows in the sky. He shares with us that in cases of the double rainbow, the 2nd rainbows colors are in direct opposite order…we didn’t know Dr. Bill took mushrooms. He asks Imus if, for 10 Thousand dollars to his favorite charity, he can name all the colors in the Rainbow. Connell jumps in with ROY G. BIV…the 8th Grade Science Class Pneumonic to remember the spectrum. Imus wonders why this ‘Roy’ guy isn’t doing the weather.
RED, ORANGE, YELLOW, GREEN, BLUE, INDIGO AND VIOLET
ALTHOUGH THE TOP ONE IS VIOLET, INDIGO, BLUE, GREEN, YELLOW, ORANGE AND RED…WHICH WOULD BE VIB G. YOR…WHICH, WE THINK, IS ABE VIGODA’S BIRTH NAME
9:05:25 a.m. – Following Melissa Francis’, thankfully, uneventful appearance, (although the I-Man has not yet returned home to take a shower) we speculate on the possibility of there being certifiably creepy,psychopathic tendencies inherent in some of the people who have appeared on the program. The list is…a veritable ‘Who’s Who’ of Imus in the morning guests. It seems that a case can be made for just about EVERYBODY who has ever set foot in this studio or phoned in from their ‘bunkers’: Frank Luntz, John Leboutillier, Laura Ingraham, Stuart Varney, Carl Jeffers, KT Mc Farland, Matt Taibbi, Frank Rich, and DEFINITELY Michael Riedel.
FRANK LUNTZ BEING ESCORTED FROM THE BELLAGIO FOR ‘CREEPING’ OUT THE PEOPLE AT THE NICKEL SLOTS
VIDEO OF THE DAY
WHO IS ALSO IN THE ‘FREAK OUT’ HALL OF FAME