6:05 a.m. – The I-Man’s shoulder is better this morning. We know you all wouldn’t be able to start your days without knowing what the deal was. You can rest assured that his rotator cuff is ‘On the Mend’ and that, before long, he will have an entirely different malady to complain about. When we say ‘before long’, we mean by the end of the program.
YOU’D COMPLAIN OF PAIN TOO,
IF YOU HAD A RED ARROW STICKING OUT OF YOUR SHOULDER
6:06:29 a.m. – Imus relates that Dr. Bronson told him to ‘Suck it Up and stop acting like a Little Bitch.’ Um…probably in not so many words…nevertheless, he refused to give the I-Man any Scrip. But guess what, Dr. Quackenbush? The Don of Dons has him a stockpile of Tylenol with Codeine. When it comes to pain medications, the I-Man is like a Survivalist…with a bunker full…so in the event of the Apocalypse…he will be able to remain in a good mood throughout the Apocalypse.
THERE’S ENOUGH VICODIN IN HERE TO SUPPLY A MILITIA OF 500
(OR GET THE I-MAN THROUGH THE WEEKEND)
6:17:21 a.m. - Tony Danza arrives in the Green Room. He is here to promote his new book I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO EVERY TEACHER I EVER HAD. He is, surprisingly, much shorter in person than you would expect. He began his career as a boxer…which begs the question: Just whom did he box? Jockeys?
TONY DANZA (ON RIGHT) EARLY IN HIS CAREER, IN A 12 ROUND BOUT
AGAINST 2.7 FOOT, 43 POUND, CHI CHI ‘STRETCH’ RODRIGUEZ
6:35:12a.m. – Tony is the Anti-Van Morrison. No entourage, no bad attitude, a charming, funny, sweetheart of a man. He lets slip that he has a deal for a sitcom with one of the networks. Rob attaches himself to Mr. Danza like a Remora on a Hammerhead Shark.
“IS THERE A PART ON YOUR NEW SHOW FOR YOUR ‘FAT NEPHEW’?”
6:55:12 a.m. – Rob gets an Imus ‘Pep Talk’ about Radio Etiquette. Yesterday he engaged in a conversation with Deirdre while the I-Man was in the midst of reading a ‘Live Spot’…a faux pas that is punishable, apparently, by firing squad. Of course Imus didn’t mention anything to Deirdre about it…because she would have kicked his ass.
“YEAH, I WAS TALKING…SO F*&%ING WHAT, PIGEON CHEST?”
7:03:24 a.m. – Imus asks Nat if he’s “Keeping the S*&# off my jacket.” Whenever the I-Man wears this particular black velour jacket, it acts like a lint magnet. There’s so much stuff falling off the Boss that shows up on the jacket on air…looking like the first snow on Mt. Rainier.
7:17:24 a.m. – The Boss reveals that, at first, he thought that ‘Fantasy Football’ meant thinking about NFL players you want to have sex with.
MMMM MMMM…GIVE ME SOME O’ THAT!
7:36:06 a.m. – Bernard McGuirk and Tamara Holder are on to ‘Debate the Isshes’…but, once again, “A debate is a discussion in which reasons are advanced for and against some proposition or proposal. But Tamara has ‘Goo Goo Eyes’ for Bernie, and so she won’t disagree with anything he says.
THERE WAS A TIME, BEFORE BERNIE GOT MARRIED,
WHERE THE ONLY DEBATE WOULD’VE BEEN “YOUR PLACE, OR MINE’?
8:05:13 a.m. – The I-Man interrupts Rob’s ‘Fat Elvis’ performance…and Rob thinks it’s because it’s something he’s done. The I-Man says he just wants to let people know what he’s singing about…that it’s not Rob’s fault. WTF? Imus not blaming Rob for something? Surely it’s a sign of the impending Apocalypse. Quick! Check that Mayan Calendar. And stop calling me ‘Shirley’.
IF YOU LOOK HARD, AT ABOUT 7 O’CLOCK,
THERE IS A CARVING OF ROB WEEPING AT IMUS’ MEA CULPA
8:17 a.m. – Imus asks the staff if he should take the pain pill, or suck it up and stick it out until the end of the program. He gets myriad, varied and quite different advice…everything from Dagen’s admission that if he should drift off mid-sentence and drool all over himself, we won’t wake him or wipe his chin, to Elvis’ encouraging the I-Man to crush the Tylenol with Codeine and snort it. Imus gets a text from Deirdre: “Do NOT take any pain pills.” He puts it back in his antique, silver pill box. Damn. We were looking forward to the silver string dripping from his upper lip to the desk below.
THE I-MAN, TWENTY MINUTES AFTER TAKING A TYLENOL WITH CODEINE
8:36:12 a.m. – Monica Crowley is on, a lovely lady, but one who, in Imus estimation, “Has blinders on.” She is a conservative…REALLY conservative. Rush Limbaugh thinks she’s a little ‘too much.’ Back in the Green Room, after her fine appearance, she discusses her impending nuptials with Dagen. Just when this marriage is actually going to occur is anybody’s guess, as there is no set date as of yet, and she’s only newly engaged. What’s the rush, Monica? You’ve been dating this guy for 37 years…it’s no longer a question of “He won’t buy the cow if he gets the milk for free.” The milk’s already turned into cheese.
WE WOULD MARRY HER TODAY…IF OUR WIVES WOULD LET US
9:05:06 a.m. – Imus continues his enthusiastic praise for Bill O’Reilly’s KILLING KENNEDY. His support has become SO over the top, even HE says, “I know I sound like O’Reilly’s Butt Boy for talking up his book so much.” Um… Bill O’Reilly’s ‘Butt Boy’? This conjures an image that we really could have done without…but one that will, most certainly, haunt us for the rest of the day.
“HEY THERE, HANDSOME, DO YOU MIND HANDING ME THAT SOAPY LOOFAH?”
9:15:02 a.m. – After his lengthy endorsement of KILLING KENNEDY, Imus receives a text from someone recommending Steven King’s 11-23-63, but the Boss reveals that he can’t read ‘Scary Books’. He can’t see ‘Scary Movies’ or ‘Violent Movies’, because he does not like looking at horrifying things. So…we’re thinking that he must shave in the dark.
IF THIS WAS STARING BACK AT YOU FROM THE MIRROR EVERY MORNING,
YOU WOULDN’T READ STEVEN KING EITHER
VIDEO OF THE DAY:
The Craze That Is Sweeping The Nation:
It won’t be long until Imus will be doing his own version:
(Of course, it will be much slower and he will need oxygen when he’s finished)
But until then, here’s the original: