6:05 a.m. – It is all but official: Dr. Bronson believes the I-Man has a torn rotator cuff, which will go a long way towards FDA approval of ‘Video Examination’, wherein your physician watches you on television, listens to you detail your symptoms, and then makes a diagnosis based upon that. We’re just grateful that the problem wasn’t ‘erectile dysfunction’. “I can lift it up, I can move it to the left, move it to the right…” O.A.D., ‘On Air Diagnosis’, is a process that doesn’t seem like that much of a stretch, especially when you consider that, all you need to do is watch just three minutes of the program and even a lay person can surmise that the I-Man is certifiably psychotic.
WELL, YOU CERTAINLY LOOK SICK, NOW I JUST NEED YOU TO HOLD YOUR SCROTUM,
TURN YOUR HEAD AND COUGH AND TELL ME HOW THAT FEELS
6:16:29 a.m. – Imus shares with us that he got to bed late last night because he was reading Bill O’Reilly’s new ‘Killing Kennedy’ book. Bill has discovered a new literary genre, Historical Accounts of Assassinations. We assume the I-Man got an advance copy as he is, no doubt, the subject of a future book.
HOT OFF THE PRESSES
6:35:12a.m. – Michael Graham is on. A former stand up comedian. We aren’t sure if we should put quotes around the word ‘former’…or ‘comedian’. The ‘former’ designation would connote that he was, at one time, actually a comedian, and, professionally speaking, Dead Puppies under the Christmas Tree at the Orphanage… is funnier than Michael Graham. We’ve noticed something about him: The better he looks on camera, the more tedious the appearance. This morning…Michael Graham was flat out gorgeous.
MUG SHOT FROM WHEN GRAHAM WAS ARRESTED FOR ‘IMPERSONATING A COMEDIAN’
6:45:12 a.m. – Imus suggests that we use Graham’s appearances to savage him. Nothing could be further from the truth. That would be like saying Lion’s use a wounded Wildebeest as an opportunity for a snack.
“MICHAEL IS ESPECIALLY TASTY THIS MORNING…
BUT…WHAT WINE PAIRS BEST WITH AN ‘UNFUNNY COMEDIAN’?”
6:55:24 a.m. – Scott Salotto reports live from Sleepy Hollow, New York, in the wake of last night’s violent thunderstorms. He interviews a Police Officer who was parked by downed lamp post all night. Imus screams at Scott: “What was the point of parking it next to the light bulb?” Scott answers “To keep people from being electrocuted to death.” As opposed to…what? Being electrocuted to sexual arousal?
SCOTT STEERED CLEAR OF THIS…
7:05:44 a.m. – Imus trots out his signature, classic ‘Billy Sol Hargus’ character, who proclaims, “JESUS! JESUS…had a BALL AND CHAIN!!” Apparently, a scrap of papyrus from the fourth century has writing that suggests that Christ had…a wife. This is a revelation that inspires much conjecture… “Honey, the Simon Peters are coming over for dinner…I don’t think I have enough bread and fish.” “I got it covered…just make sure you draw enough water from the well…Peter sure likes his wine...”
“UM…NOT TONIGHT, HONEY, I’M MEETING THE BOYS FOR DINNER…”
7:15:06 a.m. – Imus: “Connell is GREAT. He can do ANYTHING. I’m telling you, ANYTHING!” Perhaps. Can he turn back the hands of time? Can he make a boulder so big that he himself cannot lift it? Can he bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never ever ever make you forget you’re a man?
CONNELL MCSHANE…MESSIAH IN TRAINING
7:19:06 a.m. – Imus does his UNCANNY Jerry Jones impression…that is, he would if Warner would just shut up and let him do it. It’s even better than his Hootie Johnson from Augusta impression. And head and shoulders above his stellar “Trailer Park Goober Sherriff”. We forget that, at one time, it was the I-Man who did all the voices and characters. Now the only extra voices are the ones in his head.
THE I-MAN’S REPERTOIRE:
“IT’S AMAZING HOW MUCH HE SOUNDS JUST LIKE ME!”
7:36:06 a.m. – Episode 33 of Blonde on Blonde, in which, Lis Wiehl refuses to answer the following question: “Would you have sex in a bar?” We are to assume the answer is ‘no’. However, the I-Man neglects to ask the obvious follow up: “Would you have sex ON a bar?” We are inclined to believe the answer to that would also be no, but only because it would interfere with her dancing.
LIS…MOST SATURDAY NIGHTS
7:54:06 a.m. – Imus commends the work of his assistant and producer Meghan Hurlbut…by calling her ‘Meghan Haul Ass’. Oh, that wacky I-Man. We’re just glad she doesn’t have a James Bond Girl style name. We don’t think we want to know what he would do if she were christened “Tig O’Bitties”.
“YOU HAVE THE BIGGEST…UM…EYES THAT WE HAVE EVER SEEN”
8:06:47 a.m. – Deirdre has remained with us on set, as Bob Woodward was cancelled, because his publicist refused to provide his Five Favorite Songs. We’re not sure if it’s because he’s embarrassed that they’re all Mojo Nixon tunes…or they just don’t want to play by the Imus in the Morning Rulebook. Nevertheless, we are treated to an extended visit by Mrs. Imus, who is HORRIFIED at the I-Man’s ingesting a Non-Organic, Non-Dairy Free, White-Flour-Laden and White-Sugar-Frosted Scone right in front of her. She could not be more appalled if he were chomping on a dog turd, which, by the way, would be organic, and far tastier than the type of crap she normally feeds him.
AN EMBOLDENED IMUS PLANS HIS NEXT MEAL
JUST TO SEE IF HE CAN MAKE HIS WIFE’S HEAD EXPLODE
8:11:12 a.m. – Imus asks Deirdre what she thinks of the Jesus’ wife story. She believes it has about as much validity as the paintings of Christ that shows him to be a six foot tall, red-headed, blue eyed hunk. “Jesus was born in the Middle East” she informs us…at about “One minute B.C. (Because, once he was, born…it was “One minute A.D.”) So, Deirdre obviously thinks Jesus looked like…your average New York City Cab Driver. Which makes us think of the Joan Osborne song, ‘What if God Was One of Us?’
“I MAY BE SON OF GOD…BUT I AM STILL NOT GOING TO BROOKLYN”
8:23:13 a.m. – The I-Man’s Aleve has worn off. And so he’s painin’…big time. Deirdre, however, is non-plussed, as she has spent the past 18 years listening to him bitch about how he ‘Doesn’t feel well.’ She reminisces about that day back in September of ’98 between 11:16 A.M. and 12:11…when he said that he actually ‘Felt Great’. Memories…light the corners of my mind…misty water colored memories…
THESE LOOK AN AWFUL LOT LIKE VIAGRA…
(WHICH MIGHT EXPLAIN THE ‘STIFFNESS’ IN HIS SHOULDER)
9:05:06 a.m. – Imus: “Big & Rich” have a great new album, ‘Hillbilly Jedi’…their first record together after their somewhat less than amicable split up a few years ago. Nothing like a couple of non-charting musical efforts, empty seats at the County Fair and winding up in a Rolling Stone, ‘Whatever Happened To?” article to make a reunion seem like a good idea. We are happy Big Kenny and John are back together…only because they were never able to work out who got custody of “Two Foot Fred”. Breakups are always hardest on the little ones.
“WHICH ONE OF YOU IS MY NEW MOMMY?”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
SINCE ‘GOD’S OTHER SON’, THE SAGA OF BILLY SOL HARGUS,
WAS NEVER MADE INTO A MOVIE,
HERE’S THE ‘OTHER OTHER MESSIAH’, BRIAN
COURTESY OF MONTY PYTHON