6:05 a.m. – Connell does a story about the Capital Punishment case down in Huntsville Texas, where a convicted murderer was executed, despite the fact that he had an IQ of 61. Imus: “There’s a couple of people on the staff who should be worried…in fact, Connell, they’re sitting across from you…a couple of comedians…who look like Rob and Tony…dressed as Ringo and Lightnin’ Hopkins.” We’re not sure who he’s talking about. We’re not that bright.
WE COME DOWN SLIGHTLY ON THE LEFT OF THE HUMP
(OKAY TO THE LEFT OF THE CURVE ON THE LEFT OF THE HUMP)
6:20:11 a.m. – Right out of Warner’s Sports Report, Imus throws to Bernard for the Briefing and says the BoDeans will follow. It’s actually time for a commercial break. Um…we don’t not be all that smart, but we think maybe that might be not gooder.
6:30 a.m. – The BoDeans sing their first tune. Rockin’ the house before it’s even 7 A.M. HOW do they do it? Maybe it’s because they don’t know it’s so early…it’s still dark out. Or maybe it’s the Meth Rob sold them back in the Green Room. Yeah…he’s stupid, alright. Stupid like a fox.
THE BoDeans: MORNING BECOMES ELECTRIC
6:41:12a.m. – Chief Congressional Correspondent for Fox News, Mike Emmanuel is the guest, talking about Mitt Romney’s finances. He says people should be more concerned about jobs, and the economic situation in this country, rather than whether or not Romney paid taxes. This, of course, comes right after the I-Man grumbles about the Dry Cleaner he uses in Santa Fe. He is upset about them providing him with ‘Wrinkled Shirts’. Is he sure it’s the shirts he’s seeing in the mirror?
THE OFFENDING CHEMISE
6:48:07 a.m. – Imus asks Emmanuel if he’s been watching the Olympics. Mike says that he’s been caught up in the Phelps thing, the gymnastics, and the soccer. Imus: “What about the Beach Soccer?” Beach Soccer? What’s next? Equestrian Ice Dancing? And WE’RE the morons.
RUSSIAN ICE DANCING PAIR, YELENA KOVALEVSKY AND ‘BUTTERCUP’
DO THEIR TRADEMARK ROUTINE TO ‘MUSTANG SALLY’
7:06:30 a.m. – Connell reports that armed police are patrolling the Longacre Theater, after Terrorist Threat Tweets were received regarding Mike Tyson’s One Man Show. The Twitter account responsible for the Tweets threatened to execute an Aurora Colorado Style attack on the theater. Too bad Twitter didn’t exist back when Rob was still doing ‘How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying.’
LIVE GRENADES COULDN’T HELP ROB’S PERFORMANCE
7:25:30 a.m. – Bernie Briefing: Lolo Jones, self-proclaimed virgin, has been called out by the New York Times for using her ‘Sexuality’ to boost her career. He plays a cut of her being interviewed that sounds like it was done immediately after she ran the 100 Meter Hurdles. Bernie says it resembles the Soundtrack to a Porno Movie. That’s ridiculous. If it was a Porno Movie, the event would be the “Pole Vault”.
“YOU GONNA VAULT WITH THAT POLE? OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
7:39:24 a.m. – After another smoking number from the BoDeans, it’s ‘Blonde on Blonde’ time. Lis and Deirdre are given a list of potential running mates for Mitt Romney. Lis chooses Tim Tebow. Deirdre says she’s not surprised that Lis chose a ‘virgin’. The Cougariffic Ms. Wiehl would take care of that status in short order…giving the Jets newest Quarterback something for which to REALLY get on his knees and thank Jesus. Lis would be calling the plays on that one. “Go long…and go deep.”
“GET READY FOR THE SNAP, BIG BOY.”
8:06:06 a.m. – Imus: “I kinda feel bad for old Eddie.” Eddie, as you Inside Imus Members well know, is the tragically lonely shut-in from Texas who has no friends and likes to think we all are his friends. (If you happen to already be an Inside Imus Member, Eddie, we’re talking about an entirely different Eddie from Texas who wants to be our friend) We discovered the 300 dollars Eddie said was ‘Shot to hell’ when Imus dissed him on the air was NOT a donation to the Ranch, but rather what he paid his therapist. We think, at this point, it might be a good idea to let the whole ‘Eddie Thing’ go. Lest what’s REALLY ‘On The Boil’ might be…a bunny.
EDDIE EDDIE’S THERAPIST
EDDIE ON HIS THERAPIST’S COUCH:
“TELL ME, HOW DID WHAT IMUS SAID MAKE YOU…FEEL?”
8:35 a.m. – Imus interviews Kurt Neumann, BoDeans front man, and according to every woman in the building, a ‘HOTTIE’. Lis Wiehl actually considered putting off her vacation to Yakima, Washington to hang around and put the moves on him. Although, it wouldn’t take much to postpone a vacation to Yakima…unless you think throwing corn cobs off the balcony of your motel is a good time.
9:06 a.m. – Imus talks about the ‘Clean and Jerk’ champion (And by that we mean the weightlifting event, and not a quick shower and a crank yank) at the Olympics. 6’6” 364 pound Behdad Salimikordaisabi, picked up 545 pounds and held it over his head. Imus: “When you get it up on your chest, you got to put it on your shoulder and then you get it over your head.” Are we still talking about weightlifting? Salimikordaisabi could have gotten Gold just for lifting his name tag. Rob isn’t impressed. He lifts 475 pounds every morning when he gets out of bed.
WE HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS PHOTO
YOU TYPE ‘CLEAN AND JERK’ INTO A GOOGLE SEARCH AND SEE WHAT COMES UP
9:12:23 a.m. – Imus reveals he’s not a big fan of Access Hollywood, and specifically, Billy Bush, who, he implies, might have participate in that second Chick Fil A demonstration. Bernard: “I like Bush.” So do we. We LOVE Bush. Are we still talking about Access Hollywood?
9:27:13 a.m. – Bernie Briefing: Apparently, Bob Beckel, on ‘The Five’, had a problem pronouncing Chairman of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus. Beckel pronounces it ‘Free Pussy’. Imus notes “That’s something Mr. Beckel has never enjoyed…” Um…are we still talking about the Chairman of the Republican National Committee?
NAMEPLATE ON REINCE PRIEBUS’ DESK
FINALLY, THE ‘VIDEO OF THE DAY’
EDDIE MURPHY DOES HIS ‘DRUNK FATHER’ IMPRESSION
FROM THE CLASSIC BIT FROM ‘DELIRIOUS’ : “THE FAMILY COOKOUT”