6:05 a.m. – The I-Man begins the program with some solemn news…it seems that “Jelly”, one of the Ranch Cats…was on life number eight…and had a bad day. There was an unfortunate automobile accident, and…well, he’s gone to that great big litter box in the sky. A tragic story, and yet, strangely enough, STILL funnier than Michael Graham. Jelly…we hardly knew ye, and hope you are chasing infinite mice and unspooling never ending yarn balls up there in that big litterbox in the sky.
WE HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE ‘JELLY’ WAS DUIC,
‘DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF CATNIP’
6:06:29 a.m. – Warner reports on Olympic Judoka, Nicholas Delpopolo, testing positive for THC, which Warner, and NOT the I-Man, is able to identify as the active ingredient of Pot…Weed…Chiba, Mary Jane, ‘The Sticky Icky’or, as Warner calls it, “The Video Tape”. It may be time to have Warner peeing in a Red Solo Cup every morning. We suspect he’s on more than just that Box O’ Wine.
“YO, WARNER, THIS IS SUCH ILL CHRONIC SHIZNIT …
YOU WON’T NEED TO GO TO THE ‘VIDEO TAPE’ ”
6:35:12a.m. – Bernie Briefing: Elton John calls Madonna the ‘C’ Word. And by that, we don’t mean Catholic. We hate it when Drag Queens fight.
YOU VOTE: WHICH ONE IS THE REAL ‘C’ WORD?
6:30:07 a.m. – Brad Garrett, F.B.I. Profiler is on. We want to get his take on a Sociopathic, Megalomaniacal, Vegan in a Cowboy Hat. We want to make sure we’re not in any danger.
7:13:30 a.m. – Warner, on last night’s thrilling USA/Canada Women’s Olympic Soccer Game, insists there were a number of controversial calls that could have changed the outcome. “You talk to Hockey Experts and they say they’ve never seen anything like this.” Imus: “Warner, why would you be talking to Hockey Experts about a Soccer game?” Warner: “Yeah, you’re right I-Man, they wouldn’t know anything.” Probably because the ladies aren’t skating on ice, using sticks. Warner is clearly smoking Hydroponic Weed. We want to meet his dealer.
“WHAT THE F*** DO I KNOW ABOUT SOCCER?”
7:16:30 a.m. – Imus: “This Mars Rover cost 2 Billion Dollars? To look at dust? They better find a Toys R Us up there.” Why, I-Man? We looking to start dating again?
THE MARS ROVER…2 ½ BILLION FOR…LEGOS?
7:29:24 a.m. – According to Bernard, when Arnold Schwarzenegger was a boy, his bedroom walls were adorned with photos of oiled up men in Speedos. His mother was worried that he was taking a “Turn South”, which, we assume, is an Austrian Euphemism for ‘Homosexual’. Not that anyone would ever mistake Arnold as gay, unless you count that, as the I-Man observed, with all the plastic surgery he’s had recently, he resembles an aging lesbian. We’re talking about Arnold here, not the other guy who looks like an ‘old lesbian’. Because the I-Man has never had plastic surgery.
LOOKIN’ GOOD, I-MAN!
7:35:24 a.m. – Jon Friedman, author of a new book about Bob Dylan is on…and, turns out he’s not the guy who made up the quotes…despite the fact that he never actually interviewed Dylan at all. He didn’t speak with ANY Dylans at all…not even MATT Dillon. However, he tells a ‘Funny Story’ about Bob he got from George Thoroughgood, who obviously got it from Michael Graham. The I-Man says it’s remarkable that Friedman got a book out of this…we um…agree. The interview is so scintillating to paraphrase Mr. Zimmerman: “Everybody must get stoned.”
JON FRIEDMAN, AND SOME OF THE PEOPLE HE INTERVIEWED FOR HIS DYLAN BOOK
8:06:06 a.m. – Jon Friedman is still the talk of the program. During the break, Rob does his impression of him to the delight of Connell and Tony. It sounds remarkably like his Gilbert Gottfried impression. Rob, by the way, is going to hell.
8:15:13 a.m. – Imus, inquiring as to whether or not Ms. McDowell has stopped going to the Tanning Parlor: “Hey, Dagen…you look a little pale.” Tony: “It’s all relative.” Previous to this week, Dagen was resembling one of Tony’s relatives.
DAGEN , BACK IN JUNE
8:14:06 a.m. – “Eddie From Texas” emails in again. Eddie, you may remember, emailed us a couple days ago, saying that, seeing as how he had none, he considered all of us his friends. Imus gave Eddie a little “Tough Love” at the time, informing EFT that, “We’re not your friends Eddie…and you’re a moron.” Today, Eddie’s missive complains that he was thrown under the bus, and suggests that his 300 dollar donation to the Ranch was a waste. Imus: “Eddie…we’re not your friends. We’re rich people on TV. I’m trying to unload a Bentley, for crying out loud. How could I possibly relate to a trailer park goober like you.” He backs that bus over Eddie’s head. Eddie? Your serve.
“EDDIE FROM TEXAS” (HIS OTHER CAR IS A BENTLEY)
8:35a.m. – I-Fave, Mary Matalin is on. She doesn’t ‘bite’ on Imus’ ‘On the boil’ question. “You’re a boil” she says “On my butt.” Later on, when Imus asks her if she knows Rush, she informs the I-Man she LOVES Rush. “Did he ever give you any pills?” “You’re a pill.” she says. Queen of the comebacks. What is he, Mary? A boil? Or a pill? We need to know if we’re lancing…or getting a scrip.
MARY MATALIN’S LATEST PROMO PHOTO
SHE HAS NOT HAD ‘WORK DONE’. SO, WHAT WE WANT TO KNOW IS…
WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE SEE IN CARVILLE?
CLEARLY, JAMES GAVE HER A REALLY NICE RING…
9:12 A.M. – Imus: “I HATE Canada! I really HATE Canada! I hate all their teams…Canada SUCKS!”
REALLY, I-MAN? HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY HATE CANADA?
THEY PUT THE ‘MOUNT’ IN ‘MOUNTIE’
FINALLY, THE VIDEO OF THE DAY
A TRIBUTE TO JON FRIEDMAN, AND THE MAN HE NEVER SPOKE TO,