6:06 a.m. – The I-Man promotes the upcoming appearance of Michael Graham. Great. That gives us time to make a Starbucks Run. It’s not like anything FUNNY is going to happen while he’s on.
6:06:29 a.m. – It must be the ‘Monday Blues’. We don’t know why we lashed out at Michael Graham. He is a VERY funny fellow indeed. In fact, there are only a few things funnier than Michael Graham…Paper Cuts…Hepatitis C…Dead Puppies under the Christmas Tree…
ANTHROPODA CIMICIDAE, THE COMMON BED BUG
(FUNNIER THAN MICHAEL GRAHAM)
6:15:12a.m. – Imus shows video footage taken at the Ranch Chicken Coop to prove the existence of ‘Gay Chickens’. We aren’t convinced they are out and out homosexual…we think that they are all just going through an ‘experimental phase’…kind of like when you’re away at college for the first time. We are convinced that most of them will satisfy their curiosity and move on to continue their Fowl Heterosexual lives. Imus says that’s why he doesn’t eat eggs. We shudder to think of the reason why he doesn’t eat meat.
ACTUAL PHOTO OF A ‘GAY CHICKEN’
(IT’S NOT A PHASE)
6:20:42 a.m. – Warner: “The 42 year old man…killed…lightning.” Say what? The Blues Legend is dead? Oh my God, no! Wait a second…Lightnin’s been dead 30 years. Actually, Warner is reporting a tragic accident at the Pocono Speedway yesterday, where a spectator was hit in the parking lot by a bolt of lightning, which, by the way, has the same odds as winning the lottery, or being attacked by a shark. Of course, the odds of Lightnin’ Hopkins winning the lottery and then being struck by a bolt of lightning in a shark tank and killed for a SECOND time, are…astronomical.
“I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD’VE PARKED CLOSER TO THE TRACK”
6:30:07 a.m. – Bo Dietl is on, after a week long hiatus, and it’s good to see him back. We’ve missed his facile, articulate, eloquent discourse. He coins the phrase ‘Imitatious’. As in “The Chameleon is an imitatious reptile-ization.”
7:05:30 a.m. – Imus: “We’ve landed a Buick on Mars.” Yes we have. And there’s a body in the trunk. Apparently, NASA has had to find ‘Alternative Funding’ ever since the Budget Cutbacks, and so the ‘Private Sector’ has made a few investments. We think the gentleman in the trunk must have been in the Construction Business because he was wearing a pair of cement shoes. You thought Jimmy Hoffa was hard to find? Child, please.
“HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. VINNY FORGOT TO PACK THE LIME”
7:06:30 a.m. – Bernard does a story in the briefing about Tommy Chong, of ‘Cheech and Chong’ fame, who was a recent guest on ‘Varney & Company’ to discuss the legalization of Marijuana, and claimed that Bill O’Reilly, Dennis Miller and ‘Mike Hucklebee’ all smoke weed. Obviously, Chong was baked himself at the time, as he kept calling the former Arkansas Governor ‘Hucklebee.’ Although we can definitely see both O’Reilly and Miller bogarting a doobie, we find it difficult to imagine ‘Hucklebee’ sucking on the business end of a bong. We can, however, see him firing up a spliff and laying down some ‘hot bass guitar licks’ in his basement. Bernard does his impression of Chong, and Imus says “He sounds different this morning.” Maybe because Bernard is doing his Mexican accent…which would be ‘Cheech’, not Chong. Maybe Bernard’s just high.
CHONG AND CHEECH (ACCENT ON THE RIGHT)
7:30:24 a.m. – Doug Brinkley is the guest. We wait anxiously to make sure that he actually appears. Apparently, last week, there was some confusion as to when he was supposed to call, he was told 6:30…but he was in the Central Time Zone, and so picked up the phone at 7:30 Eastern Standard Time. This guy is a professor and doesn’t know how to use a watch? No wonder he teaches history. He’s always living in the past.
8:05:13 a.m. – 30 minutes to Starbucks…um…we mean the genius that is Michael Graham. Put on your Laughing Hats, kids!
8:06:06 a.m. – Imus discussing the landing of the Mars Rover ‘Curiosity’ after being informed that it cost 2 billion dollars. “There BETTER be some Little Green People up there.” Connell from downtown: “Yes…and they should be wearing ‘Imus in the Morning’ T-Shirts”. We think the best we can hope to find on Mars…are people who think Michael Graham is funny.
MICHAEL GRAHAM? THAT’S ONE UNFUNNY MOTHERF***ER
8:14:06 a.m. – Warner reports that Olympic Swimmer, Ryan Lochte admits to ‘Peeing in the Pool’. Which wouldn’t be such a bad thing, if it weren’t for the fact that he did it from the diving board.
“HEY, C’MON IN! THE WATER’S NICE N’ WARM!”
8:17 a.m. – Only 13 minutes until ‘Magic Time’!!! We can hardly contain ourselves in anxious anticipation of the Michael “FUNNY BOY” Graham appearance. In fact, if we were in a pool right now, we’d both be peeing.
8:35a.m. – MICHAEL GRAHAM IS ON!!! Right out of the box, the comedic genius mentions he has ‘felt up chickens’ for two years as he was the 4H Chicken Champion of his town. Ohhhhhkay….Imus has introduced him as a ‘Former Stand Up Comedian’. We guess “Former” would be the operative word here…”Comedian” being the other, and, from we can tell, with Mr. Graham, it is a term used VERY loosely. We have great respect for Graham as a comic. He doesn’t obsess over things like punchlines…or getting laughs. He’s a real renegade.
ACTUAL AUDIENCE REACTION FROM A MICHAEL GRAHAM STAND UP COMEDY SHOW
8:36:07 a.m. : Michael Graham continues…we think. We’re not sure, because Tony is at Starbucks and Rob is in the bathroom, taking a ‘Graham’. Graham makes disparaging remarks about Doug Brinkley. Note that we didn’t say he made any ‘funny’ remarks about Doug Brinkley.
SO, FOR YOUR REFERENCE, WE OFFER THE FOLLOWING ‘COMEDY’ CHART
TO HELP YOU FULLY ASSESS WHAT WE CALL ‘THE GRAHAM EFFECT’
(THERE WILL BE A QUIZ AT THE END OF THE BLOG)
8:45 a.m. – The I-Man goes postal on Michael Graham for calling I-Fave, Douglas Brinkley, a ‘hack’. He officially removes the ‘Choke Chain’ from his ‘Yuk Bitches’ …his ‘Comedy Pitbulls’, Tony & Rob. There will be no prisoners.
9:05 a.m. – Scott Salotto reports on the Tappan Zee construction project that will result in a 14 dollar toll. Imus, you might remember, was incredulous that, as a man of the people, he would have to pony up that kind of dough to cross the Hudson River. What Scott neglected to mention, is that the new toll schedule will not go into effect for another five years…as the bridge has not even been built yet, which gives the I-Man plenty of time to procure an Easy Pass so he can get the dollar discount. Imus is fuming, as we laugh at his misunderstanding of the situation, at which point he tells us “There are a lot more people like me than there are people like you guys.” Yes. There are hundreds of thousand chauffeur driven limos that cross the Tappan Zee daily, carrying millionaires who need to sell their Bentleys, just to afford the toll to cross.
THIS IS WAY TOO SH***Y A BRIDGE TO BE WORTH 14 BUCKS
9:24 A.M. –
‘INSIDE IMUS’ POP QUIZ:
You are in a room with a CD Player, a Michael Graham ‘Comedy’ CD, and a Pistol. You can’t shut the CD player off. Do you…
A- Use the gun to shoot the CD Player to turn it off.
B- Use the gun to shoot yourself.
C- First ‘A’…and then ‘B’.
IF YOU’RE GOING TO LISTEN TO A MICHAEL GRAHAM CD, JUST MAKE SURE IT’S LOADED
AND FINALLY, THE VIDEO OF THE DAY,
MARTIN & LEWIS OF MARIJUANA,
CHEECH AND CHONG
IN MIKE HUCKLEBEE’S FAVORITE MOVIE