6:06 a.m. – Warner starts off the program with a bang with a story about the Olympic boxing match between Japan's Satoshi Shimizu, and Azerbaijan's Magomed Abdulhamidov. Abdulhamidov fell down six times in the third round, and yet the judges not only awarded him the round, they gave him the decision, they gave him the match. “Feed”…as Warner would say. He would also say “Abzerbonnyjonny”. Which he did. Subsequently, the referee, Ishanguly Meretnyyazov, was removed from the Olympics. Good thing Warner didn’t try to pronounce that one…he might have swallowed his tongue.
UM…MAGOMED? YOU MIGHT WANNA WORK ON YOUR STANCE
6:17:12 a.m – Imus promotes the 8:29 Jobs Report, a special simulcast ‘Break In’ with Stuart Varney. There hasn’t been this much Anglo-Anticipation since the Beatles came to America. You’d think this was the Ed Sullivan Show. Oh no, it’s Stuart. So it would be the David Frost show.
6:27:12 a.m. – Imus promotes the upcoming Imus Ranch Golf Tournament, and encourages listeners to sign up for “Celebrity Foursomes”…”You can play with Lupica, you can play with Connell McShane…you can play with yourself…” Of course, it all depends on what shape your putter is in.
DESPITE WHAT YOU MIGHT THINK…
“BALL WASHERS” ARE NOT THERE TO HELP YOU “FEEL FRESH”
6:30:42a.m. – Anthony Mason, from CBS News, is on, talking about Peter Frampton retrieving the 1954 Gibson Les Paul Guitar that he thought he lost in a plane crash 32 years ago. Apparently, two fans helped him find it. DAMN YOU! WHAT THE F*** DID YOU HAVE TO DO THAT FOR?
GREAT. 32 MORE YEARS OF ‘SHOW ME THE WAY’. THANKS A LOT.
7:02:27 a.m. – Connell does a local story about the Tappan Zee Bridge toll’s rising to 14 dollars. Imus: “What does it cost to BUY the bridge?” We’re not sure of the price on that one, but, if he’s in the market for River Crossings, we can get him a deal on the Brooklyn Bridge.
YOU WON’T FIND THIS BAD BOY IN NO WAL-MART
7:05:30 a.m. – We are still waiting with bated breath for Stuart Varney’s Special Break In Jobs Report. This is the most anticipated event since the Royal F***ing Wedding. What’s the big F***ing deal?
7:16:24 a.m. – Warner reports a story about Jimmy Haslam, minority owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers, paying 1 billion dollars to buy the Cleveland Browns. Warner describes him as a ‘Self-Processed’ Pittsburgh Steeler Fan. We think he means ‘Self-Professed’, unless Steelers Fans contain High Fructose Corn Syrup, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Xanthan Gum and Caramel Coloring.
THE LABEL ON STEELERS FANS
7:28:13 a.m. – Imus decides NOT to play the Jon Stewart cut that aired yesterday, based on the New York Post Headline regarding the Chick Fil-A controversy: “Cockfight”. Gee, we wonder what Jon did with that one?
7:29:18 a.m. – Bernard plays a clip of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, speaking in Colorado. Imus asks “Where in Colorado was he? That’s not far from the Ranch, maybe he could stop by and we could ‘Team Rope’ him, and have some of the kids ride him. “ Either that, or milk him.
GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE AT HIS INNAGURAL BALL
(HE WAS THE ONLY ONE THERE…NOBODY ELSE COULD FIT IN THE ROOM)
7:35:19 a.m. – Laura Ingraham is the guest, and she talks about watching the Olympics with her children. Laura has adopted two Russian Boys and a Guatemalen Girl, and, apparently, in the Gymnastics competition, her son had ‘Mixed Loyalties’, so Mommy had to ‘Straighten him out.’
“U.S.A.! U.S.A.! DO YOU HEAR ME? U.S.A.!”
8:00:06 a.m. – Imus, talking to Bigfoot in anticipation of the Big Stuart Varney Jobs Report at the bottom of the hour, asks Producer Bowman why we are carrying this coverage. Bigfoot informs the I-Man that this report has implications that will affect the November Election. Imus: “Well, we do have that big erection coming up, don’t we?” Bigfoot: “Well…YOU don’t, but…yes, WE do.” Bigfoot from Downtown. Unfortunately for him, Bigfoot will be adding to the jobless claims by the time the report happens.
8:05:06 a.m. – 24 minutes to Varney. We feel like Paul Revere. “The British are Coming!” In trying to figure out why they’re making such a big deal out of it, we’ve come to the conclusion that Stuart is going to be giving the numbers without pants.
STUART IN THE NEWSCORP LOBBY,
ON THE WAY TO HIS STUDIO FOR THE “BIG JOBLESS NUMBERS REPORT”
8:17 a.m. – Imus: “What’s coming up today in the Olympics, Warner? Anything interesting?” Warner: “Nothing that interests me…” Imus: “It’s not about you, Warner.” Right. If it was, there would be more Abzerjonnybonny athletes competing.
8:26:16 a.m. – 2 minutes and 44 seconds to Varney…
8:27:37 a.m. – 1Minutes and 23 seconds to Varney…
8:28:57 a.m. – THREE SECONDS TO VARNEY!!!
8:29 a.m. - It’s Varney time!!!
8:29:15 a.m. - “We will have those Jobless Numbers for you in just a few seconds.”
8:29:35 a.m. - “The Jobless Numbers will be revealed in just 25 seconds.
8:29:53 a.m. - “We are mere seconds away…”
8:30 a.m. - “Here with those numbers, live from the Department of Labor…is Richard Edson.”
8:30:58 a.m. – 163 Thousand new jobs created. Unemployment up a tenth of a point. Um…that’s it? Really? Is that all there is?
ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING US? THIS IS WHAT WE WAITED TWO AND A HALF F***ING HOURS FOR? WE THOUGHT THERE WAS 400 THOUSAND NEW JOBS CREATED…OR THAT THERE WAS 75% UNEMPLOYMENT! WE CUT AWAY FROM THE IMUS PROGRAM…FOR THAT?
8:35:12 a.m. – Longtime Imus pal, Geraldo Rivera is the guest. And we have never been more happy to see him than we are right now. He talks about the Presidential election, he talks about the Jackson Family troubles…he talks about the Olympics. You know what he DIDN’T talk about? The F***ING JOBLESS CLAIMS!!! Or the MOTHERF***ING UNEMPLOYMENT RATE! He talks about his Charity Golf Tournament that raises money for developmentally challenged adults. Guess he’s not that big a fan of ‘Brian Wilson’.
9:05:02 a.m. - Connell and Dagen explain the Jobless Report numbers in ‘Layman’s Terms’. Imus: “No wonder they had Stuart do the report.” Dagen: “I’m sorry there wasn’t more Aggressive Alliteration From The Anxious Anchor.” Some Hilarious, Highfalutin’ Hyperbole From the Hissyfit Heaving Hillbilly.
FINALLY, IN HONOR OF THE SPECIAL JOBS REPORT,
YOU ARE JUST 5 SECONDS AWAY FROM THE VIDEO OF THE DAY:
THE SILHOUETTES FROM AMERICAN BANDSTAND