6:05 a.m. – Joss Stone is here, and according to our Stage Manager, Nat Candido, she has ‘Raised the Bar’ when it comes to ‘All Time Greatest Soundchecks’. Nat has sent the boss an email saying that very thing. He says she has the ‘Voice of an Angel’. We may have to turn the hose on ol’ Nat…we think he’s a little sweet on Ms. Stone, and, well, quite frankly, we fear for her safety. She’s a beautiful woman, with an even more beautiful voice, but…sings barefoot, which, considering she’s in our studio, is a bold move, indeed.
I CRIED BECAUSE I HAD NO SHOES…AND THEN I HEARD THIS ‘VOICE OF AN ANGEL’
…WHO HAD NO SHOES
6:27:12a.m. – Bernie Briefing: B plays a cut of Hannah Storm going all ’50 Shades of Gray’ on Tim Tebow. She’s positively GUSHING over his going shirtless in the rain at practice the other day. We think both Mr. Tebow AND Ms. Stone consider the acquisition of ‘Restraining Orders’. Nat and Hannah are not to be trusted.
“TIM? I’M YOUR BIGGEST FAN…TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT…NOW!” - HANNAH STORM
6:30:42a.m. – Joss Stone sings “Stoned Out Of My Mind”. After she’s done…the room is positively speechless. Like we are when we’re “Stoned Out of Our Minds.” You don’t have to be high to know that…damn, this girl can sing!
6:37:28 a.m. – Presidential Historian, Professor at Rice University, and I-Fave, Doug Brinkley, is the guest. Good Morning, Professor Brinkley. Um…Doug? WHERE THE HELL IS DOUG BRINKLEY? Imus: “Doug Brinkley is A.O.L.” We think he means Professor Brinkley is A.W.O.L. Absent Without Leave. Otherwise, Doug’s ‘Got Mail’.
6:44: a.m. – Bernard asks the Boss if he participated in the ‘Chick Fil-A Appreciation Day’. Imus informs us that he doesn’t get the boycott of the Fast Food Chain, because chickens are gay. In fact, he offers that all that the chickens at the Ranch are ‘Freaky’, implying that they are, at the very least, bi-sexual. “Maybe I should have Glen go up and film the chickens.” Yeah, that sounds great. Chicken Porn. “You’re gonna get laid, Mama! Crow my name! Crow my name!”
MMMM MMMM MMMM! I’LL TAKE TWO BREASTS AND TWO THIGHS, BABY!
7:08:27 a.m. – Connell is trying to do the news, the I-Man is in a rush to get to Joss Stone again…so as Connell plays a clip of President Obama’s Stump Speech, Imus interrupts him with the ‘Shut Up!!’ clip. The Boss says “What else do you have?” Connell: “I have the Chick Fil-A Story.” “Okay, go ahead” The I-Man says. A frustrated Connell observes that… “We have no time for the President Obama on the Campaign Trail, but Gay Chickens…we’re all over it.” WABC’s motto: ‘Breaking News & Stimulating Talk’. We’re not sure which of those criteria the Gay Chicken story falls under…perhaps both.
7:15:30 a.m. – Imus: “When I get back to New York, I’m going to start blood doping.” He tries to get the Ranch Doctor to sign off on the idea…the Doc ain’t buying. This is one of those times when the Medical Professionals being quiet doesn’t work for the I-Man.
NO EXTRA RED CELLS FOR ‘GRUMPY’
7:30:24 a.m. – Joss Stone performs a second song… “The High Road”…not only is her voice amazing, but any one of her three backup singers could be solo artists themselves. How the HELL do you sing like that at 7:30 IN THE MORNING? She is officially the “Anti-Tribeca Rhythm”. (Those of you who subscribe to ‘Inside Imus’, obviously, are tailor made to get that reference.)
7:42:43 a.m. – Dick Cavett is on to talk about Gore Vidal, who was, reportedly, bi-sexual. Not unlike the Chickens on the Imus Ranch. The I-Man asks the question that’s obviously on everybody’s mind. “Dick, did YOU have sex with him?” Mr. Cavett handles the query with his customary wit and charm: “If I had, I think I would remember that.” We have to admit, we are disappointed. THAT would be some interesting ‘Pillow Talk’. Certainly well-written, ‘Pillow Talk’.
GORE VIDAL AND…TRUMAN CAPOTE
8:05:13 a.m. – Imus: “I have Cowboy Boots older than Joss Stone.” Uh huh. You have toe jam older than Joss Stone. You have Cowboy Boots older than Sly Stone.
I WANT TO THANK YOU…FALETTINME BE MYSELF…AGAIN
(HOW OLD ARE THOSE BOOTS? THEY’RE ROMAN GLADIATOR OLD)
8:06:06 a.m. – Imus plays the BRILLIANT ‘On the Boil’ parody with Senator John Kerry that Ray Avilla from Texas produced. It’s even funnier than it was when Imus did it live with Kerry last week. The I-Man proclaims Mr. Avilla a ‘genius’…although he doesn’t work at the Apple Store, and it will only be a matter of time that he won’t be ‘Bringing the Potato Salad to the Mensa Picnic’ or ‘Going to the Lightning Round.’ Geniuses tend to turn into morons faster than they did in Flowers for Algernon.
BEWARE, MR. AVILLA: GENIUS IS FLEETING
8:34:06 a.m. – Imus asks Connell “Who tied your tie this morning? Edward Scissorhands?” Although it is a pink tie, and the knot isn’t a ‘Standard Windsor’. Connell, under his breath: “Who tied your neck this morning.” For a man who fusses with his hair before he puts a cowboy hat on, and shows up to work sometimes looking like a Versace Grave Digger, we thinks the I-Man Protesteth too much.
C’MON, CONNELL! HOW HARD IS THIS? C’MON, I-MAN! HOW HARD IS THIS?
8:17 a.m. – Warner: “I feel a BOIL on the back of my neck.” Clearly, he’s already been into the Box o’ Wine this morning.
8:35a.m. – Bernard does a story about Macaulay Culkin’s addiction to Heroin and Pain Pills. Imus says the best pain pills on the planet are Dilaudid. He then waxes nostalgic about his days as a Coke Fiend. He says when he stopped snorting, he put some drug dealers out of business. Bernard: “But at least you put Pablo Escobar’s kids through college.” That’s the thing about the I-Man. Always a giver.
8:36:07 a.m. – Joss Stone does two more songs. Jesus. Holy God.
9:08 a.m. – Kevin McGee, our ‘TV Boss’ sends the I-Man an email: “Nice to see an act on your show that doesn’t have a beard, or reek of gin.” McGee from Downtown. Although, we’ve had every Bearded, Drunk, Outlaw Hillbilly Act in Nashville on the program, it’s the Beautiful Brit who is the only one who didn’t wear shoes.
9:15 a.m. - Imus rushes Dagen off the air, as he’s bored with her business report. “Let’s talk Shuttlecocks instead!” She’s referring to the Chinese, Indonesian and South Korean Badminton teams being banished for tanking their games. At least that’s what we HOPE she’s talking about. With Dagen…you can never really be sure.
“TURN YOUR HEAD AND COUGH.”: SOMETIMES THESE ARE CALLED ‘BIRDIES’
AND, IN HONOR OF THE INSANE TALENT DISPLAYED THIS MORNING
THE OFFICIAL YOU-TUBE CHANNEL OF THE AMAZING JOSS STONE: