6:15 a.m. – Dagen is wearing white. She’s stepped up her game. Lori Rothman is in the house today. Well, alllllright now! Maybe they’ll wrestle. How long does it take to make Jello?
DAGEN & LORI PROVIDE SOME INTELLECTUAL DISCOURSE
WHILE NEIL CAVUTO LOOKS ON
6:35:30 a.m. – National Security Expert, K.T. McFarland is on, and the girl knows her way around Weapons of Mass Destruction. Imus asks her if ‘Henry Kissinger ever hit on her. “No, I was a typist in the Steno Pool.” Yes, we know…but we suspect you took some late night ‘dictation’ once or twice.
K.T. AND THE ‘K-MAN’ ENGAGE IN A LITTLE ‘CROSS BORDER INCURSION’
“YOU DO NOT MIND THAT I HAVE PLACED MY HAND ON YOUR HINTERN?"
6:55:12 a.m. – Imus: “I’m sick of Bigfoot. Sitting up there in a sugar coma…he never responds when I call him. He’s not paying attention.” Oh, he’s paying attention. Which is why he’s not responding. It’s called ‘Ignoring’. Right Bigfoot? Bigfoot? See what we mean?
“HUH? WHAT? DID YOU…UM…SAY SOMETHING?”
7:05:24 a.m. – Imus asks Carley if she is interested in Lori Rothman the same way that Dagen is. Diplomatically, and disappointingly, she responds in the negative. “Dagen is a different sort of person than I am.” This is officially the Understatement of the Year. Akin to ‘John Wayne Gacy loved kids.’ Both are strikingly beautiful, extremely bright ladies. But if you neglect to compliment her on what she’s wearing one morning, that evening, Dagen will break into your house and remove your toenails while you sleep.
CARLEY IS ‘NOT INTERESTED’? WHAT’S HER PROBLEM?
7:29:12 a.m. – Bernie Briefing: Bernard reports on the controversy in Russia over a Punk Group named ‘Pussy Riot’. We’re not sure if it’s actually a big story or not, we just think that B likes to say ‘Pussy Riot’ on the air.
7:37:12 a.m. – Lori Rothman is live, in studio, resplendent in a cobalt blue dress which highlights her eyes. Dagen behaves herself, as she actually likes Lori. If it were another of the ‘Fox Foxes’ here in the studio, it would be a scenario that calls to mind ‘The Hunger Games’.
DAGEN DRAWS A BEAD ON GRETCHEN CARLSON
7:55:24 a.m. – Neil Cavuto will be the 8:30 guest, but prior to his appearance, he has sent the I-Man an email calling the Radio Icon (Legendary, 4 Time Marconi Award Recipient) an ‘Idiot’. Unfortunately for Neil, he misspells the word ‘Idiot’. “Hello, Irony…pull up a chair, you’re going to be here for a little while.” We are hoping Neil’s gaffe is merely a typo, nevertheless, it is still there, in black and white: “You are an IDOT”. There may be no ‘I’ in team, but there are TWO F***ING ‘I’s in ‘IDIOT’. And, by the way, just ONE in ‘Neil’.
“UM…IDIOT…CAN YOU USE IT IN A SENTENCE?” “YES. MR. CAVUTO, YOU… ARE AN IDIOT.”
8:06:06 a.m. – Connell kicks off the hour as the I-Man needs to call Dr. Rice, the Sports Medicine Specialist in Santa Fe, to reconfirm Wyatt’s appointment this morning. Mike Lupica, who has arranged for Wyatt to obtain the difficult to get appointment, has informed Imus to ‘Call after eight, as soon as the office opens.’ The I-Man calls at 8:06, giving the office plenty of time to start their day, get the coffee going, check the emails and phone messages and have their ‘morning constitutional’. He gets some ‘moron’ on the phone who says “The nurse isn’t here, the office isn’t open yet, call after eight.” “It’s SIX Minutes AFTER eight!” Um…yes, technically, it is. Here on the East Coast. In Santa Fe, it’s only SIX minutes after SIX. Imus…is an IDOT.
EVEN SHE KNOWS WHAT TIME IT IS
(TIME TO THINK ABOUT WEARING ANOTHER PAIR OF SHORTS)
8:17:13 a.m. – Warner reports a story about a woman who is suing the Dallas Cowboys, and Jerry Jones, for singeing her posterior on a hot bench at Cowboys’ Training Camp…bringing new meaning to the phrase, ‘Burning Bush’. As in, “Holy Moses! You’ve got 3rd Degree burns on your ass!” This, most certainly, must have provided for a somewhat awkward scenario at the Emergency Room. The Triage Nurse: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?” “I burnt my butt on a bench.” “Uh…okay, just sit…um…stand over here while I call every Intern on call to come down to laugh at your sorry ass.”
THIS ROASTED CHICKEN WANTS TO MAKE IT A CLASS ACTION SUIT
8:39a.m. – The aforementioned Neil Cavuto is the guest. We LOVE Neil. He’s not just an I-Fave, he’s a cast and crew fave. But the dude does have a Prize Winning Sized Melon between his shoulders. Guess the number of Jelly Beans that it is capable of holding and you could retire on the winnings.
NEIL CAVUTO (MOST RECENT FOX PRESS PHOTO)
8:55 a.m. – We notice that, in the camera feed from the Ranch that Imus must have his humidifier on…although there are a number of other possibilities… The Studio could be on fire, The I-Man has been put in charge of electing a new Pope, or there is an imminent threat of a Commanche attack. You’d think with all the extra moisture he’s providing, he wouldn’t appear as though he just gave himself a facial with the Ron Popeil Beef Jerky Machine.
HEY, I-MAN…DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT CHANGING MOISTURIZERS?
9:07 a.m. – Imus tries to get Warner to say ‘Pussy Riot’. Warner demurs. “Oh, I don’t think it’s necessary to include me in this conversation.” Okay, how about ‘Kitty Uprising’? ‘Tabby Turmoil’? We’re actually somewhat partial to ‘Vagina Conflict.’ Now THAT’S a name for a band. The thing about Pussy Riot is…for a Punk Rock band, there’s only one week a month when they sound ‘Extra Angry’.
EHHHH…NOT WORTH RIOTING OVER
9:15:06 a.m. – Warner does a story about Victor Conti, former head of ‘Balco’, and pretty much, the guy who was singlehandedly responsible for all the steroid abuse in Baseball. Victor Comments on Giant’s Outfielder, Melky Cabrera’s testing positive for elevated Testosterone levels. He explains how easy it is for a player to cheat the test…timing your body’s metabolism and absorption rate. Imus is still confused. “You’d think I would know how drugs work.” Sorry, Cowboy…this is a drug that will make you ‘ACT LIKE A MAN!!’…not the kind for which you wait on a street corner in the cold for an hour and half. Testosterone dealers are somewhat more reliable than coke dealers.
“HEY, MAN…YOU GOT MY T-GEN? “
“YO, SON, YOU GOT TO SLOW DOWN…YOU CAN BARELY WALK WITH THAT THING AS IT IS.”
AND FINALLY, THE LAST ‘VIDEO OF THE DAY’ FOR THE SUMMER
A SCENE THAT EMBODIES THE SPIRIT OF THOSE TENDER MOMENTS
THAT HIGHLIGHT OUR CHILDHOOD MEMORIES
OF TRAVELLING WITH THE FAMILY
“NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VACATION”