6:05 a.m. – It is the 35th Anniversary of the death of Elvis Presley. In the Greenroom, we celebrate with a Fried Peanut Butter, Bacon and Banana Sammidge and a handful of Phenobarb. We then do some Karate moves and fall asleep on the toilet. The King is dead…long live The King.
THE ‘THRONE’ IN THE MAIN BATHROOM AT GRACELAND
6:07:16 a.m. – Rodriguez, The ‘Sugar Man’ is here. Physically that is…his body is in the studio. We’re not exactly sure where the mind is. In fact, we’re not exactly sure he knows where he is, or where he even thinks he is. He is…how do you say…more than a little bit… ‘Quirky’. He talks to himself, and then to us, as though we were part of the original conversation. He wants to know what our ‘Bag’ is. We’re not sure what he means. He says he will sing anything and begins playing a snippet of…well, everything. Somewhere between the ‘Greensleeves’, ‘Rhapsody in Blue’, ‘The Battle Hymn of the Republic’ and his version of Marvin Gaye’s ‘Let’s Get It On”, we start thinking that in the 30 year hiatus when he went missing, he had returned to his home planet of Rygel Seven.
WE THINK THE TITLE OF THE ALBUM IS…USING QUITE A BIT OF ‘POETIC LICENSE’
(AND…DOES THAT OTHER SHOE BELONG TO HIM AS WELL?)
6:09:29 a.m. – Rob is in this morning as ‘Fat Elvis’. And Rodriguez is a LOVELY guy. The ANTI – Van Morrison. We think he believes Rob is actually ‘The King’. Rodriguez wants to do a duet. We don’t have the heart to tell him, Rob ISN’T Elvis, but seeing as how Rodriguez is definitely from another planet…we are starting to believe that Elvis might actually still alive. Nevertheless, back in the Greenroom, The Sugarman forces Rob do sing a duet of The Beatles’ ‘Yesterday’. He then asks ‘Elvis’ what he’d like to sing next. ‘Elvis’ offers: “Ozzy Osbourne’s ‘Suicide Solution’”
6:11:29 a.m. – Madonna is 54 years old today: “Age' is the acceptance of a term of years. But maturity is the glory of years.” -- Martha Graham. ”As we grow old…the beauty steals inward.-- Ralph Waldo Emerson. “You gotta stop taking your titties out on T.V.” – Don Imus.
MADONNA’S ‘GOOD SIDE’
IT’S NOT THE YEARS…IT’S THE MILEAGE
6:14:29 a.m. – Imus reminisces about where he was when he first heard the news about Elvis… “I was in front of this house I was living in up in Greenwich, sitting on a Harley…no…a Triumph...when somebody came out and told me Elvis Presley was dead.” There are two headlines here: 1- Imus remembers ANYTHING about the 70’s. And B- Somebody actually was willing to talk to him.
6:19:31 a.m. – Warner has seen ‘Searching for Sugarman’, and relates the incredible story about how, Rodriguez apparently made a record…which didn’t do all that well…and so he dropped out of the music business and pretty much lived a normal life as a laborer. Unbeknownst to him, his career lived on…and he became a HUGE hit in South Africa in the interim. Rumors abounded suggesting that he had committed suicide on stage, via gunshot, or self-immolation. (Both of which, sound pretty good to us right about now.) Warner says that, initially, when Rodriguez had been found and did the first of the sold out stadium shows, people thought he was an imposter, and the comeback was all just a ‘Rouge’. Uh huh. And a little bit of tastefully applied powder and a touch of mascara.
RODRIGUEZ IN CONCERT
6:31:12a.m. – Bernie Briefing: He plays a clip from the Jimmy Kimmel show last night, a ‘Positive’ Romney Campaign Ad. He’s oversold it, and although he maintains it’s funny…there is a silence. The I-Man is not amused. “He’s got a whole staff of writers and that’s what they come up with? If they worked for me they wouldn’t have a job. I’ve already got two morons who are teetering on the brink as it is.” Great. Jimmy Kimmel’s writers suck. And it’s our fault. We are hoping Rodriguez may need a couple of roadies. Y’know…just in case.
KIMMEL’S WRITERS SUCK SO BAD,
JUST READING THEIR MATERIAL GAVE HIM A BLACK EYE
6:35:30 a.m. – Rodriguez sings ‘Nice N’Easy’. A Sinatra tune. We are pretty sure Ol’ Blue Eyes is dead. All we know is…right about now, we wish WE were too.
AS FAR AS WE KNOW, FRANK NEVER COVERED ‘SUGARMAN’
“I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT THAT KOO KOO SUGAR…MANNNNN…..JACK!”
6:39:12 a.m. – Stuart Varney is on…and he can’t spell the word ‘Coxswain’. We’re not exactly sure why he would need to, or why the I-Man cares, but…we just love to hear him pronounce it. Which, if said correctly, rhymes with ‘Toxin’, although Stuart makes it sound like the title of a British Porn Movie.
A ‘COXSWAIN’. IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
DESPITE WHAT HE HAS IN HIS MOUTH
7:11:24 a.m. – The Boss tells his ‘The Day Elvis Died’ story again. “I was in front of this house I was living in up in Greenwich, sitting on a Harley…no…a Triumph...when somebody came out and told me Elvis Presley was dead. “ How do you remember that, and yet you don’t remember what f***ing motorcycle you were on?
7:23:24 a.m. – There is some weird kind of technical glitch at work this morning, so while the I-Man is interviewing Rodriguez, there is a strange echo…which actually occurs before he opens his mouth. It’s as if we have developed the ability to read his mind, and know what he is going to say before he actually says it, resulting a situation that calls to mind the soundtrack to a bizarre, out of synch, Japanese Horror Movie scene.
“CLEAR THE STREETS! THIS ‘RODRIGUEZ’ DUDE…IS PRETTY WEIRD!”
7:39:06 a.m. – Bill O’Reilly is on, promoting the ‘Young Adult’ version of his “Killing Lincoln” book…which he has re-titled “Lincoln’s Last Days”…as it’s more “Kid Friendly”. All we know is, the way it’s going this morning? Ol’ Honest Abe was the lucky one.
7:43:36 a.m. – We begin postulating on what other changes O’Reilly made to the book to ‘soften’ it for the kids. We suspect in this version, Lincoln only suffers a ‘Flesh Wound’ and then ‘retires to spend more time with his family.’
7:45:06 a.m. – The conversation turns to the Assassination of JFK, which, surprisingly enough, is the subject of O’Reilly’s NEXT book. The third in the trilogy, no doubt, will be about Garfield.
WHY ANYBODY WOULD WANT TO ASSASSINATE THIS ADORABLE KITTY, IS BEYOND US
7:47:13 a.m. – Imus goes on and on about how ‘Stunning’ the Kid’s version of the book is. Not the book itself, but the cover. Which, as you know, despite the old axiom…you CAN tell a book by it. That said, we just can’t figure out how the Bible has been a bestseller all these years. It’s like Spinal Tap’s ‘Smell the Glove’ album. “There’s NOTHING on that G**Damn Cover!”
ARGUABLY, SPINAL TAP’S BEST RECORD.
8:06:13 a.m. – We love it when Imus and Dagen get into discussions about Country Music. It’s like watching a twisted version of ‘Donny & Marie’. “What do you think about Tim McGraw?” he asks the Rider of the Crazy Carpet. “He might as well be wearing a plastic cowboy hat.” Apparently, she’s not a fan. Oh no she di-int. In not so many words, she just called Tim McGraw a ‘Fake Cowboy’. He could wear a Bowler Hat, a pair of velour culottes and Crocs for all we care. The thing we like on him the best…is Faith Hill. Cowboy or no cowboy, he’s married to her, and if he’s ridin’ that, it’s enough for us.
YEE HAW! RIDE ‘EM COWBOY!
8:11:06 a.m. – “You know, I remember where I was when I first heard the news about Elvis…“I was in front of this house I was living in up in Greenwich, sitting on a Harley…” IT WAS A F***ING TRIUMPH! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT WAS A F***ING TRIUMPH! We can tell you this…we will remember where we were when we first heard you tell this tedious f***ing story.
8:33:06 a.m. – Rodriguez plays his signature song, ‘Sugarman’. Before he does so, he takes off his jacket showing his sleeveless, black undershirt, revealing his pot belly and granny arms. In other words, ‘Not Tebow’.
8:36 a.m. – As he sings, we are starting to wonder why, in his absence, anybody ever went looking for him. These South Africans have very STRANGE tastes in music. Remember, they are the lovely folks who brought us apartheid, so, obviously, they know a thing or two about torture.
9:05:06 a.m. – “You know, 35 years ago, I was sitting in front…” yadda yadda yadda yadda. Uh huh. On your Harley. We get it.
WE CAN SEE WHERE HE’D BE CONFUSED…THEY BOTH HAVE WHEELS
9:15:26 a.m. – Connell reports the story about the Michigan Citizen who won over 300 million dollars in the Powerball Drawing there. Imus: “I don’t want to hear about anybody winning Powerball if it’s not me. They’re probably too stupid to get somebody like the Andrews’ Brothers to get them some of that ‘Facebook’ stock.” Yeah, you’re right. Or a bunch of Netflix stock. We hear you can get in on the ground floor of this thing they call ‘Betamax’.
ALL WE KNOW IS…IT WASN’T US
9:27:12 a.m. – Bernie describes Elton John flashing his butt while vacationing in St. Tropez. The pictures are not flattering, and, for the life of us, we can’t figure out why Elton would do that. Bernie’s position: “Maybe at one point, it was ‘Bootylicious’.” You just can’t describe Elton John’s ass as ‘Bootylicious’. Not and keep your Heterosexual Membership Card. Although, given his age and his sexual history, we are sure the Rocketman’s Posterior looks remarkably similar to the ‘Sea of Tranquility.’ “That’s one small step for a man…one giant ass for another man.”
“HOUSTON? WE HAVE A PROBLEM. HEYYYYYYYYY!”
VIDEO OF THE DAY:
IN CELEBRATION OF THE KING’S DEATH…
(WELL, PERHAPS ‘CELEBRATION’ IS THE WRONG WORD…)