6:05 a.m. – Imus begins the program with the sad news that author Gore Vidal has died of pneumonia at the age of 86. He says that we are trying to get Dick Cavett on the phone to talk about Mr. Vidal and his contributions to literature. Dick, so far, has not answered the I-Man’s email. Which is unusual, as Dick usually emails the I-Man three or four times a morning, to “Correct the grammar inherent in the sparkling, scintillating discourse that is the hallmark of the Imus in the Morning Program.” (His words)
6:18 a.m. – After Warner reports on Hall of Fame Baseball Broadcaster Marty Brennaman’s plans to shave his head for charity this Friday Night after Reds/Pirates game, Imus says that he could actually be convinced to shave his head for a quarter of a million dollar donation to the ranch. We immediately start a collection.
NA NA NA NA NA!
6:37:28 a.m. – D.L. Hughley is on with his new book: I Want You To Shut the F*** Up! He is a charming, engaging guest. He did what comedians never do when they are guests on the program: He was funny…no tedious backstories about his life, or his position on headline issues of the day…unless they are part of his material. In short, the ‘Anti-Ron White’. The I-Man doesn’t agree. Although he thinks the book is a ‘Scream’.
7:05:12a.m. – Imus is off the Olympics bandwagon, as there are no ‘Good vs. Evil’ matchups, like there were in the 80’s between the U.S. and Russia. You know a sporting event sucks when the guy who used to watch people weigh fish decides to tune out.
THE JAPANESE ANGLING TEAM TRAINING FOR 2016
THE U.S. TEAM (THAT’S ONLY GOING TO TAKE A BRONZE)
7:15:38 a.m. – Dagen reports on the 100 Million dollar apartment for sale in NYC. The 8000 square foot Octagon Shaped Penthouse, on West 56th Street, has 6 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms and a wrap around terrace that features a 350 degree view of Manhattan and the Tri-State area. OR, as the I-Man calls it… ‘My Broom Closet’.
THIS IS WHAT 100 MILLION BUCKS BUYS IN NEW YORK?
7:16:17 a.m. – Imus mentions that “Ann Romney’s Dressage Horse didn’t do that well, did it, Wyatt? “ Except he’s not talking to Wyatt, he’s talking to Warner. An honest mistake. They look and sound so much alike. Wyatt is ‘Wise beyond his years’ and Warner is…just ‘Beyond his years’.
BOTH WARNER AND WYATT AGREE… ‘RAFALCA’ ISN’T GETTING IT DONE
7:35:10 a.m. – Blonde on Blonde: Deirdre talks about her love of the Olympics, specifically, Track and Field. It was her dream, back when she was at Villanova, to compete. She was greatly inspired by Jesse Owens. Clearly, she has a thing for ‘Older Men’. She actually got the chance to meet the Olympic Great…and was so nervous she promptly threw up. We would insert a really hideous joke here, at the I-Man’s expense…but it’s just way too easy…ah, f*** it. Threw up? She’s done that a lot during her marriage…she’s actually seen the I-Man naked. That’s not nerves…that’s nausea.
8:06:24 a.m. – Cavett still can’t be found. “We hope Dick is okay.” Outside of your urologist, where else would you say that phrase? On this program, of course.
8:07: 43 a.m. – Imus and Dagen debate the merit of certain Olympic sports. Dagen maintains that events like Ping Pong and Synchronized Diving are very difficult, and thus deserve to be included. “So is calf roping…there’s nothing harder than that…trying to throw a rope on a calf, riding a horse going forty miles an hour…it’s impossible.” Not as impossible as trying to get Pakistan to field an Olympic Calf Roping Team.
TRAINING WITH 8 TIME PAKISTANI ROPING CHAMPION SHAJID CHATTERJEE
8:12:06 a.m. – The I-Man’s iPhone (Yes, it WAS named after him) features a Train Whistle Alert every time he receives an email…which, when his mike is on, is audible to us in our studio. Connell: “Well, it looks like the 8:12 is on time.” The only problem is Imus is deaf, and the actual train could be in the studio with him blowing its whistle and he wouldn’t hear it. What a shame. It’s probably Dick Cavett.
“HEY STUPID, YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
8:19:21 a.m. – Imus: “Deirdre left here a half an hour ago…you think she’d be back here with my cheese sandwich.” Relax, boss. She’ll be there. The new chef obviously moved the arsenic and Mrs. Imus is trying to find an ‘organic’ and ‘green’ substitute.
“DEADLY NIGHTSHADE”: KILLS CANCER CELLS
…UNFORTUNATELY, FOUR OR FIVE BERRIES WILL ALSO KILL A SMALL BUFFALO
8:32:13 a.m. - The inimitable, incomparable, John McCain. Imus asks him about Dick Cheney’s recent criticisms of him. The War Hero Senator responds in his true, trademark, statesman-like, diplomatic fashion, with the class and style we’ve come to expect from him. Imus wants McCain to “Punch Cheney in his new heart.” We hope the Senator has seen ‘Kill Bill.’
DEIRDRE PRACTICING THE ‘KILL BILL-EXPLODING HEART TECHNIQUE’ ON THE I-MAN
9:02:16 a.m. – Connell reads a story about a church in Cobble Hill, Brooklyn, that was struck by lightning. Imus: “Struck by lightning? A CHURCH? Struck by LIGHTNING? Somebody better check out that Rev.” Unfortunately, it didn’t strike DURING a sermon…because depending on where the Rev was in the script, it might either firm up some believers, or come up with a few candidates for converting to Hinduism.
“AND THEN, THE GOOD LORD SAID…(CRACK!!) ‘JESUS! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?”
9:16 a.m. – Warner plays a tape of Dallas Cowboy owner Jerry Jones’ response to Dez Bryant’s being arrested for striking his mother. Imus: “Well, what did his mother do?” implying, of course, that the old lady brought it on herself. What did she do? She told her son that he better take the damn garbage out or she was gonna “Slap the taste ‘out his mouth.” What do you THINK she did? There’s NEVER a good reason to slap your mama. Unless your Grandmama tells you to.
“SAY ‘WHAT’ AGAIN, DEZ! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU!”
VIDEO OF THE DAY
OUR 6:30 GUEST, THE VERY FUNNY D.L. HUGHLEY
FROM HIS HBO SPECIAL ‘UNAPOLOGETIC’