6:08 a.m. – The I-Man is sporting an 80’s ‘Miami Vice’ Style facial hair presentation. We can’t call it an actual ‘beard’, but, follicle-y speaking, it is somewhere between Gabby Hayes and a Hedgehog’s ass.
SOMEWHERE, BETWEEN THESE TWO, LIES THE I-MAN’S BEARD
6:12:17 a.m. – Dagen is ‘Over the Moon’ or, seeing how it’s Dagen, ‘Over the Moon Pie’, at her boy, Tony Stewart’s winning Saturday Night’s Coke Zero 400 race at Daytona. ‘Smoke’ was the victor, although he didn’t cry like a little b****, like Andy Murray did when he lost to Roger Federer. P***y.
HEY, MURRAY, YOU SISSY! THERE’S NO CRYING IN TENNIS!
6:14:12 a.m. – There is some speculation about Denis Leary’s impending appearance tomorrow. Imus seems eager to stir up some bad blood between Rob, Tony and Mr. Leary, in hopes that it will provide some comedic fodder for the program, as well as make it uncomfortable for Rob and Tony in the Green Room when Leary is here. After the threat of Cancer, Emphysema, COPD and Coronary Artery Disease caused by Leary’s second hand smoke, being ‘uncomfortable’ will be the least of their problems. Leary has no compunction about lighting up in the green room, although he does have a starring role in the new Spider-Man movie…something which makes Rob and Tony cry.
6:21 a.m. – Warner admits he also ‘got a little misty’ at the Murray loss at Wimbledon. With Warner, ‘getting misty’ could mean a lot of things, in this case, we hope it means he just got choked up with emotion, and didn’t need to change his trousers.
6:29:28 a.m. – Bernie Briefing: A tribute to the late Ernest Borgnine, dead at 95, in which Bernard reveals that Mr. Borgnine’s key to longevity was ‘Masturbating a lot.’ We also find out that he was married to Ethel Merman for 36 days, “Everything’s coming up roses.” Well, almost everything. Which would explain the masturbation fixation.
ERNEST BORGNINE…WHERE DO YOU THINK HIS HANDS ARE RIGHT NOW?
6:46 a.m. – Bo begins by reading an article off the prompter about the Australian Prime Minister and the banishment of Muslims…or something…we’re not sure, and from the way he’s reading the prompter, we don’t think he is either. Of course, Bo’s measured, calm discourse turns into “I’m sick and tired of people dying for our flag and our liber-tation, just so some Abba Dabba Doos can whine and complain about how things are in this country.” Bo-Ism of the day: “Liber-tation”. As in, “One Nation, under God, indivisible with Liber-tation and Justice-atation for all.” To paraphrase Simon and Garfunkel… ‘The words of the prophet are written on the bathroom stall’. Bo then segues from a memorial of the late Nora Ephron to ‘Our children are dying in the streets.’ In other words…it’s just another Monday in Dietl World.
7:15:12 a.m. – Warner reports a story about the Tour de France, in which Bradley Wiggins ranted about ‘doping’, using some salty language to describe the offenders, which Warner says included the ‘C’ word that rhymes with ‘Grunt’. We think Warner’s finally reached the point where he’s the ‘S’ word that rhymes with ‘penile’.
7:29:12 a.m. – Bernie Briefing: Bernard reports that Yassir Arafat’s death is being investigated as a possible homicide. It appears that traces of a radioactive isotope were found in urine stains on his underwear. Imus: “I could have gone all morning without ‘Urine Stains on Arafat’s Underwear’. “ Yes. Too bad you can’t go all morning without Urine stains on YOUR underwear.
7:31:02 a.m. – Bernie reports that Wayne Brady is not a fan of I-Fave, Bill Maher. In fact, he threatens to “Slap the S*** out of him.” We just don’t see Wayne Brady as a ‘Gangsta’. Anybody who can successfully host ‘Let’s Make a Deal’, dealing with guys dressed up as Rutabagas and Hot Dogs, doesn’t exactly invoke images of Suge Knight’s ‘Pimp Hand’.
7:35 a.m. – Back in the Green Room, Linda Fairstein, the Former Sex Crimes D.A. of New York, wants to take a picture with Rob and Tony…ostensibly that she can ‘tweet’ as she attempts to sell her new book. “Nightwatch”. Something about taking a ‘Twit Pic’ with a former Sex Crimes D.A. seems…a little too ‘Anthony Weiner’ for us, especially seeing as how Rob is dressed as ‘Elvis’ and Tony is dressed as ‘Charlie Rangel’. So a photo with both of them, taken out of context, would make it appear that Ms. Fairstein was promoting her book at a gay bar.
IN THE GREEN ROOM. NOT AT THE RAMROD ON ‘BETTE DAVIS NIGHT’
8:13:14 a.m. – Carley reads some ‘E-Mails’, one of which from Fox Business Imus viewer ‘Bubba’, who wants to suggest a segment wherein Carley and Dagen ‘Mud Wrestle’. Both of them decline the offer, which prompts The Boss to ask the rest of the staff if they could be convinced to participate. Everyone, even Connell, demurs. We wonder if our 8:30 guest, Mike Lupica might consider it, although his days with the WWE were very…um…short.
‘LOST’ PHOTO OF ‘MIKE LUPICA’ (COURTESY OF VINCE MCMAHON)
8:41 a.m. – Mr. Lupica, columnist for the New York Daily News, discussing the infamous Andy Murray ‘crying’ incident: “I didn’t even cry at ‘Old Yeller’…and in that one, the dog dies.” Dagen says “Even Lou Gehrig didn’t blubber like that when he gave his speech.” Well, only because he was dying of ‘Lou Gehrig’s Disease’, so he probably anticipated it.
8:45a.m. – Somehow, discussion turns to Hannah Storms Body Language when she’s on set with Chris Evert. We don’t blame Hannah. If we were on set with Ms. Evert, we’d ‘Sit funny’ too.
IF WE WERE ON SET NEXT TO HER, SOMETHING WOULD BE SITTING UP STRAIGHT
8:47 a.m. – Back in the Green Room, Dagen reads some of Connell’s Tweets: “Imus in the Morning Topic of the Day: Is it Okay to Cry at a Tennis Match?” Dagen’s reply, “Only if you have ovaries.” @LongRacin, one of Dagen’s followers: “Only if you get stabbed in the back.” There’s a lot of hate out there for Metro-Sexual men who are in touch with their feminine sides.
8:55:01 a.m. – Imus: “Lupica was good, you can hear him on…um…uh…” Tony: “98.7 FM” Imus: “Look around for him, he’s on there somewhere…or you can listen to him online at…uh…um…” Connell: “ESPN NEW YORK DOT COM”. Imus: “I used to know where he was.” Jesus, is the Senile Old Cowboy even LISTENING?
9:25 a.m. – Imus brings up Denis Leary again. “Apparently, everybody on the program hates him, except for me.” Patently not true. Nobody on the program hates Denis Leary. ESPECIALLY Rob and Tony, who foolishly believe that Leary can still ‘do something for them.’ even though “Rescue Me” is no longer on the air. And if it was, it wouldn’t matter anyway, as they already have their ‘Black Guy’ and ‘Fat Guy’:
LARENZ TATE AND JOHN SCURTI OF ‘RESCUE ME’:
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS ‘NOT TONY’ & ‘NOT ROB’
VIDEO OF THE DAY:
WAYNE BRADY GOES ‘GANGSTA’ WITH DAVE CHAPPELLE