6:13 a.m. – Revealing a ‘New Policy’ that involves ‘Not making fun of anybody’, The I-Man is back. At least he says he’s Imus. The new ‘Not making fun of anybody’ policy suggests that he has been kidnapped and replaced by an ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ type pod. ESPECIALLY because Andre, from the Newsroom at ABC, the ‘Keeper of the Log’, is late for work, and so the I-Man is left in the lurch. Andre, apparently, has complained to our ABC Radio Boss Steve Borneman, about Imus’ on air characterization of him. So instead of calling Andre a ‘Creepy, Pencil-Necked Geek’, he refers to him as ‘eccentric’. Which is a safe bet, as this is a man who wears a Straw Hat and shirt garters to work, like he was in the Disneyland Barbershop Quartet.
6:17 a.m. – 12 minutes have gone by since he’s hit the airwaves this morning, no tirade about Andre’s inability to come to work, and no mention from the I-Man of any breathing problems. It’s DEFINITELY a pod person.
6:18 a.m. – Imus accuses Dagen of being ‘aloof and detached’. She insists nothing is wrong. She just hates him.
6:30:57 a.m. – Bernie Briefing: B Reports that Alec Baldwin is considering a run at Gracie Mansion. To become Mayor, that is, not actually RUN LIKE A CRAZY PERSON towards Gracie Mansion, which, considering Mr. Baldwin’s past behavior, is not that much of a stretch.
WOULD YOU VOTE FOR THIS MAN? IF NOT, YOU’RE JUST A ‘RUDE LITTLE PIG’
6:38a.m. – Dick Gregory, our first scheduled guest, is a no-show. Imus hopes he’s okay. We all do. The Boss then announces that, “This is what happens with some of our guests…they’ve been on for years…and then they get old…they start staring off into space…and food starts falling out of their mouths…” Yes. But only as a gesture of solidarity with the program host.
7:10:12 a.m. – Imus asks Dagen about her ‘Beach Vacation’. Dagen complains that there was a man with a metal detector and a Glock strapped to his hip who was allowed to walk on the beach, but not her two Chihuahuas, Ramon and Mabel. Imus says he wouldn’t want to be “On the beach, trying to get a tan, while your two dogs are taking a dump next to me.” He’s damn right he wouldn’t want to be on the beach with two dogs. They’d wind up burying him in the sand. Or is that cats?
OOOH! LOOK! SOME GOLD NUGGETS! UM…WAIT A SECOND…
THOSE AREN’T ‘GOLD’ NUGGETS
7:16 a.m. – Imus, frustrated, says “I STILL don’t have a log.” Uh huh. That’s what SHE said.
7:16:57 a.m. – Joseph Abboud calls the studio. Apparently, he’s had a LOT of experience ‘Doing a Log’.
7:17:03 a.m. – Imus: “Has Andre EVER done a log?” Um…we think he might have, actually.
7:35:14 a.m. – Governor Chris Christie is the guest. He actually phones in as he was supposed to. Imus tries to trick him into admitting he’s being ‘vetted’ for Vice President by the Romney Camp. Christie responds that Imus is “Crafty…but not that crafty.” Slick thinking from the Governor, as the I-Man set a trap about as obvious as Wile E. Coyote’s using Gunpowder Bird Seed and an Acme Anvil on the Road Runner.
GOVERNOR CHRISTIE (ABOVE LEFT) SEES IT COMING A MILE AWAY
7:55:17 a.m. – Dagen admits that she had an ‘incident’ last night, which might account for her appearing ‘distant and aloof’. Apparently, she was stuck in an elevator in her building with “Sticky, sweaty drunks”, one of whom dropped a tray of ‘Red White and Blue Munchies’ on her head. Imus wonders how tall the drunk had to be to drop anything on her head, Tony wonders how drunk they were, while Rob just wonders what kind of munchies would be Red, White and Blue.
8:15 a.m. – After Dagen announces the better than expected the ADP report about Private Sector Hiring as well as the Jobless Claims, the I-Man reveals that one of those claims will be the Ranch Chef who, apparently, had to be fired. It seems his Prize Winning Bacon Wrapped Steak Tartare recipe wasn’t embraced by Deirdre’s Vegan Menu Plan.
THERE’S ‘VEGGIES’ ON THERE…WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?
8:27a.m. – Bernie Briefing: Andrea Peyser’s cynical take on Anderson Cooper’s admission of his homosexuality…notes that the revelation was not made on CNN. Imus: “Well, they would’ve gotten it wrong anyway.” Yeah, that, and Cooper actually wanted people to hear him make the pronouncement.
8:35a.m. – Frank Rich is not on…perhaps he’s been kidnapped along with Dick Gregory? Is this the ‘Vast Right Wing Conspiracy’ everybody keeps talking about? Oh, no…wait a minute. There he is.
8:36 a.m. – Frank’s been on for a minute. We already wish he was wherever Dick Gregory is.
8:47:13 a.m. – Frank waxes philosophical on Anderson Cooper’s ‘Coming Out’ …and that it was done right before the Fourth of July, when it wouldn’t get a lot of notice. Note to John Travolta: Now’s the weekend you might want to reschedule your ‘massage’.
9:05 a.m. – Imus asks Dagen to elaborate on the elevator incident, wondering “Where was your head in the elevator that made it possible for someone to drop something on it?” Dagen insists that the inebriated gentleman in question was “Well over 6 feet…and he was carrying trays of food on HIS head.” Uh huh. That’s what SHE said.
THAT’S A LOT OF RED, WHITE AND BLUE MUNCHIES YOU GOT THERE, FELLA
9:07:18 a.m. – Naturally, all this talk about ‘heights’ and ‘heads’ and ‘dumping things on them’ leads to a discussion about riding the New York City Subway System. Dagen teaches us a new word: ‘Frottage’, from the French, “Frotteurism, a nonconsensual paraphilia” . Which is ‘Fancy Talk’ for “Some creep rubbin’ up on ya and leavin’ ya with a Monica Lewinsky-style dry cleanin’ bill.”
‘FROTTAGE’: BE CAREFUL, IF YOU MOVE IT IN A CIRCULAR MOTION, YOU CAN START A FIRE
9:09:15a.m. Connell reports the story about the San Diego Fourth of July Fireworks display, which, unfortunately, was subject to a case of “Premature Explosion Syndrome”. It appears that they all went off simultaneously, and the show was done 15 seconds after it started, not unlike a Cub Scout Pack in a circle, reading a stolen copy of ‘Playboy’. It’s a story every Red-Blooded Male knows all too well: There’s America, waiting all year, anticipating the ‘Sure Thing’ on its’ birthday, and then, fifteen seconds after it starts…it’s all over. “Sorry, America, this has never happened to me.” Yeah. She’s heard that one before. At least it was a BIG display. Because, as every Red-Blooded Male also knows all too well: Even if it’s over fast, size DEFINITELY matters.
9:27:15a.m. – Bernie Briefing: B reports on Former New York Knick Point Guard, and Mike Breen Broadcasting Partner, Mark Jackson, who is being extorted by a stripper. Apparently, Mr. Jackson sent a picture of his Weiner to the stripper. The I-Man wants to know if Mr. Jackson ‘Dressed his Weiner up.’ Tony responds: “I think it had a headband on.”
FINALLY, TODAY’S ‘VIDEO OF THE DAY’
COMES TO US FROM THE GENIUS THAT IS CHRIS ROCK