6:06:17 a.m. – Imus mentions a conversation he had with Dagen yesterday regarding Country Singer Eric Church. Dagen, a hard core, ‘Old School, Country & Western, Outlaw’ aficionado, has no use for the ‘Designer, Pretty-Boy, Crossover, Nashville Poseurs’. Back in the Green Room, she shows us a video of Mr. Church, who, apparently, was auditioning for ‘Guys & Dolls’. Not that being in Musical Theater automatically negates your candidacy as a Country Bad Boy, but…it should be noted that Mr. Church was auditioning for the part of ‘Adelaide’ and not ‘Nathan Detroit’.
DAGEN IS RIGHT. THAT JUST AIN’T ‘COUNTRY’
6:27:28 a.m. – Bernie Briefing: Controversy over the Mitt Romney comments regarding London’s hosting of the 2012 Summer Olympics…he plays a clip of an ‘Off the Hizzy Hizzoner’ Boris Johnson, the Mayor of London, who sounds like he’s straight out of a Dickens novel, and looks like he’s Gary Busey’s Albino Cousin. Where we only have to deal with a Mayor who’s obsessed with Soda Cup Sizes, our British Brothers have to worry about their Mayor getting hammered on Black n’ Tans and ‘Storming Buckingham Palace.’
“MITT ROMNEY IS A C***”
6:38a.m. – Ed Henry, The Senior White House Correspondent for Fox News, is the guest. Imus mentions that that he sounds like he’s still in his ‘Jammies’, and just rolled out of bed. Ed complains that perhaps he would be a little ‘perkier’ if he were to appear later on in the morning. This is not something one should say to a man who has to get up at the crack of the crack to be on the air. If Mr. Henry was smart, he would just stay up all night, ‘Complicated Musicians Lifestyle’ Style, and then he wouldn’t have to worry about his “Beauty Rest”. Not that there would be enough ‘Beauty Rest’ to help Mr. Henry. That there’s a case not even a ‘My Pillow’ can help. You see that face on a Milk Carton…you don’t look for that guy.
OKAY, ED, WE GET IT…YOU’RE TIRED, YOU HAVE BAGS UNDER YOUR EYES
6:54::17 a.m. – Imus: “Boy, that Ed Henry is a great guest. Y’know, I’m always surprised with how smart these people are. Then again, why would they hire morons…” Um…well, technically…let’s see…just how exactly are you defining ‘Moron’?
7:05:18 a.m. – Imus: “The Olympics start today…you know, I will watch any sporting event where they are keeping score. I will even watch bowling…and most of them are fat…but they can bowl their asses off.” Nice to know that Walter Ray Williams Jr., arguably the greatest professional bowler of all time, can now put… ‘Bowl my ass off’ on his resume.
7:07:58 a.m. – Imus continues his Olympics Love: “I’m watching Senegal play Soccer against Great Britain, and I’m just praying for Great Britain to lose…but usually I can’t even tell who is playing.” Um…it’s a pretty safe bet that the team with all the black guys on it is Senegal.
IT’S A COMMON MISTAKE. WE CAN’T TELL THEM APART, EITHER.
7:08:29 a.m. – “They use State Abbreviations, so it’s difficult to know which country is which…I’m watching the mutants doing gymnastics and don’t know where they’re from.” F.Y.I., “KSA” is Saudi Arabia. Why? We have no f***ing idea. KSA…isn’t that a chain of Campgrounds?
7:12:23 a.m. – More ‘Eric Church’ Talk. We don’t know him, but we’re starting to believe that Dagen may be right. He’s too ‘pretty’ to be an Outlaw. In fact, he’s pretty enough to be a News Anchor.
“OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT…”
7:37 a.m. – New York Times Columnist, Author, Pulitzer Prize Winner, I-Fave and… Commie, Tom Friedman, is the guest. As is tradition, the I-Man tries to ‘Start some s***’, and brings up Matt Taibi, which, immediately, much to the Boss’ delight, makes Mr. Friedman get defensive.
IF WE WERE MR. FRIEDMAN, WE WOULD BE A LITTLE ENVIOUS TOO
(REALLY, TOM. WHAT’S WITH THE 70’S PORN STAR ‘STACHE?)
7:59:12 a.m. – “You’re fat and stupid.” We are momentarily confused. WHO is ‘Fat and Stupid’? It could be any one of us, except, maybe Dagen and Connell. Turns out that the I-Man is referring to Tom ‘Bigfoot’ Bowman. Whew.
IS THIS GUY EVER NOT IN THE BATHROOM?
(FOR THE RECORD, HE DOESN’T LOOK STUPID)
8:03:24 a.m. – Imus compliments Scott Salotto’s poetic use of language describing the damage left behind in the aftermath of last night’s storm. “You can hear the distant sound of the chainsaw in the cool, mountain air.” Basically, it’s a bunch of goobers upstate in Elmira New York, trying to clear the branches off their trailers, and he makes it sound like Lumberjacks in a ‘Summer’s Eve’ commercial. Damn, Scott sure got a ‘purty mouth’.
8:04:16 a.m. – “Scott, have you been Kayaking?” the I-Man asks, knowing that one of Mr. Salotto’s favorite hobbies is rowing down the Hudson River. “Only once. My boat has a crack in it…it fell off the roof.” “It’s a Kayak, Scott. What’s it doing on the roof?” “The roof of my car…it’s a long story.” “Yeah, well, too bad we don’t have enough time for it now.”
SCOTT’S GOT A ‘LEAKY KAYAK’
(SO THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE CALLING IT NOW)
A SHOT OF PENICILLIN, SCOTT, IT’LL CLEAR RIGHT UP
8:06:16 a.m. – Imus and Dagen continue their discussion about Eric Church, who Ms. McDowell still maintains is ‘Not a real Outlaw’. She relates the story about Country singer, Scott H. Biram, who was involved in a horrible accident with a Tractor Trailer, and performed the very next night, in a wheelchair, with an I.V. in his arm. Now THAT’S country. Imus: “Although, not as country as Hank Sr., who, according to Donnie Imus, got out of his plane in a White Nudie Suit with a load in his pants. A little more information than we really, needed, and an image it will take us at LEAST a bottle of Jack Daniels to get out of our heads.
“GOODBYE, JOE…ME JUST GONNA GO…IN MY TROUSERS”
8:35: a.m. – Angela McGlowan is the guest, and she’s not…well, exactly what you might call a ‘Fan’ of President Obama’s. She has made it her mission to prevent his re-election, and to get Mitt Romney into the White House. That’s sweet. Everybody needs a hobby.
8:55: a.m. – In response to the allegation that some of the Male News Anchors are ‘Too Pretty’, Imus says he wants “A guy with some skid marks on him…you know, like Shep Smith…you know there’s a chainsaw and some rope somewhere around there.” Yes…and most likely, Scott Salotto will write a poem about it.
NOT ALL THAT ‘GNARLY’ AN ANCHOR, BUT HE’S GOT A NAME YOU CAN TRUST,
(IF ONLY BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE SOME KIND OF WEIRD SEXUAL PRACTICE)
9:05 a.m. – The I-Man is bummed that he won’t be able to see the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics at 2 PM Mountain Time, live, as they happen, in London. He is truly upset that he can’t see them before everybody else in the entire world, who will watch it on NBC during Prime Time in their respective Time Zones. Actually, he’s not happy with the idea that they are not performing the ceremony expressly for him, out at the Ranch…which is a shame, as Paul McCartney would probably enjoy Deirdre’s Vegan Fare.
OK, PAUL, WE GET IT. NO BURGER KING FOR YOU.
9:07 am. – The tedious conversation about Eric Church continues. Imus suggests that he will email his pal at CMT, who will verify the veracity of the video. Connell: “Gee, that would be great, I-Man…maybe you could email us over the weekend to let us know…because we won’t be able to sleep until we find out if that was really him auditioning for ‘Guys and Dolls’. Imus: “You’re a dick.” We’re not sure if that comment actually made air…or it got dumped out on by Bernie and Bigfoot. Because it’s one thing to BE one…it’s another to HAVE one…it’s like the old George Carlin ‘You can prick your finger, but you can’t finger your…’ Well, you know.
9:16 am. – Warner: “Hey, I-Man. Look at my cheek, you see that? I’m nicked up. I have a scar.” “Um…Warner? No, we CAN’T see it, we’re on the radio.” Warner merely wanted to show that he had some ‘Skid Marks’ on him. And not the kind we expect from him…which are somewhat reminiscent of those in Hank Sr.’s shorts. Warner also has some deep ‘Emotional Scars’ built up from years of working with Mark Simone.
IF THAT’S NOT A ‘RUG’, THEN WARNER’S HAVING NIGHTMARES FOR NOTHING.
VIDEO OF THE DAY:
THE LATE, GREAT SAM KINISON,
ON WHY JESUS DIDN’T HAVE A WIFE: