6:05:01 a.m. – Dagen, right out of the box, provides us all with not only the ‘Line of the Day’, but perhaps even the ‘Line of the Week’. In fact, if we may be so bold as to proclaim it so, it could, conceivably, be ‘Line of the Year’. In referring to ESPN’s cadre of on-air female correspondents, particularly Suzy Kolber, she employed the phrase, “A Closet Full of Chew Toys”. I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there.
UM…JUST HOW DRUNK WAS JOE NAMATH?
6:37:22 a.m. – Juan Williams is the guest, answering the proverbial question, How many Political Analysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: Just Juan. He’s an I-Fave, always engaging, informative and affable, PLUS, he’s very susceptible to the I-Man’s poking at him with a stick.
7:01. 06 a.m. – WABC Cub Reporter, Scott Salotto, reporting on the Kerry Kennedy DUI story, suggests that they found drugs in her system. To which, the I-Man says “It wasn’t drugs…it was Ambien!” Scott defends his choice of words… “I’m not saying she was doing lines of coke off the dashboard, but she IS a menace.” Yah. Especially, if she’s doing it WHILE she’s driving. It’s very hard to make a left turn when your nose is pressed up against the GPS screen. But the ‘On Star’ button does come in handy sometimes when you’re trying to call your dealer.
“HELLO, THIS IS ON-STAR, WHAT’S THE NATURE OF YOUR EMERGENCY?”
“I CAN’T STOP GRINDING MY F***ING TEETH!”
7:07:17 a.m. – The I-Man can barely contain his excited anticipation of using the ‘John Batchelor’ question on Senator John Kerry. He asks the staff for direction on how to best deliver the line. We know he wants to ‘Sandbag’ the former Presidential Candidate, but we can only hope that the Windsurfing Swift Boat Veteran isn’t listening to the program, otherwise, the Boss’ efforts will be thwarted, and the Senator will be “Un-PUNKable”. And somehow, it will all be Rob’s fault.
7:12:18 a.m. – Imus gives Dagen the opportunity to apologize for her statements regarding the women of ESPN. Dagen, naturally, flatly refuses, and suggests that, given his devotion to Hannah Storm, Bernard needs to work a little on his ‘Cattle Culling’ skills. She insists that sometimes he’s inclined to keep ‘questionable’ calfs among the herd…such as the aforementioned Ms. Storm. Um…did she just call the women of ESPN a bunch of heifers? Oh no she di-int.
‘MISS FEBRUARY’ ON THE ‘WOMEN OF ESPN’ CALENDAR
8:05:12 a.m. – Imus: “Bigfoot, did you hear what I said? Bigfoot? Bigfoot? WHERE THE HELL IS BIGFOOT? Apparently, our Fox Business TV Producer is ‘Indisposed’…as in “He’s in the bathroom”. He’s been in there since 7:50 A.M. It took less time to lay the Transatlantic Cable. We wonder what he’s laying down in there.
“JESUS, BOWMAN, JUST WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EAT?”
8:16:24 a.m. – Imus relays the contents of an Email he received from NASCAR legend Darrell Walltrip, who reaffirmed his offer to take the I-Man on a ride around the track at Charlotte Motor Speedway. Imus declines yet again, to which, an incredulous Dagen responds, “What’s more fun than going 200 Miles Per Hour in a circle?” The Boss then tells the story about the time, back in the day, when he rode a Roller Coaster while high on coke. He says he’s STILL having nightmares about that. We’re sure that is the case, although probably not as many nightmares as the people who were on the ride with him.
“FORGET THAT 800 FOOT DROP, WHAT’S THAT THING IN THE COWBOY HAT?”
8:27 a.m. – Bernie Briefing: Discussing the marriage of ‘Lil’ Kim’, the newly married Korean Dictator, Kim-Jung-Un, Bernard offers, “Margaret Cho is better hung than this punk.”
“MISS CHO? TURN YOUR HEAD AND COUGH.”
8:38:12 a.m. – The moment Imus has been waiting for, all week: Asking John Kerry the ‘Batchelor Question’. As anticipated, like a Wide Mouth Bass in Bull Shoals Lake, John Kerry bites, and bites HARD, swallowing the I-Bait, “Hook, Line, Sinker, Rod AND Reel.” What’s “On the boil?” Obviously not IQ points. The Senator answers the idiotic, basically rhetorical question with gusto and zeal, and proceeds to provide a rambling proclamation that the Boss nearly has to employ the ‘Cough Button’ on the Ranch Studio mike to prevent Kerry from hearing the laughter. The I-Man is One Happy Camper. Not that the Ranch is a ‘Camp’…it’s not. It’s a working cattle ranch for kids with Cancer. It’s also the place where the little childrens were so bitterly disappointed during Kerry’s unsuccessful presidential campaign, when he did not stop his train to say ‘Hi.’ Payback is a bitch.
SENATOR KERRY RESPONDS TO THE ‘ON THE BOIL QUESTION’
9:05:46 a.m. – Connell reports a news story regarding Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, and does not quite pull off the patented Charles McCord Style, ‘Fake It Til You Make It’ pronunciation of foreign names. Imus actually asks Dagen to help Connell sound it out. Dagen? Really? As she herself freely admits, she can barely manage to communicate in English. And when you get the girl going, she starts speaking in Tongues. Which, apparently, she does every ‘Seardee Night’. And you want HER to help Connell? By the way, it’s pronounced: “بشار حافظ الأس” (You say it exactly how it’s spelled)
“SERIOUSLY? YOU WANT DAGEN TO PRONOUNCE MY NAME?
AND I’M THE MADMAN?”
9:21:07 a.m. – It’s Mick Jagger’s 69th birthday today, and so Lou has been playing Stones and Jagger cuts all morning, which prompts Dagen to share, off camera, the following: “You have to question the wisdom of Mick Jagger singing ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’ at his daughter’s wedding. Which, by the way, was the song the band played at the I-Man and Deirdre’s wedding reception, as a teary-eyed Mr. Coleman danced with his daughter.
“JUST MAKE SURE YOUR NAME IS SPELLED CORRECTLY IN THE WILL”
AND FINALLY, THE ‘VIDEO OF THE DAY’
THE LEGENDARY ‘FUNNY OR DIE’ CLASSIC FROM WILL FERRELL AND ADAM MCKAY
‘PEARL THE LANDLORD’